Original subtitles

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Hey, everyone! Excuse me!

Can I have a second of your time?

Everyone, listen up!

Listen, everybody…

I owe Kyle a big apology in front of everyone, because…

– I was wrong. – About what?

I’m afraid that Kyle and I got into a disagreement yesterday.

It was pretty nasty.

And I was totally wrong, and you were right, Kyle.

I thought only humans could be gingers.

Davin Miller here?

There you are. I owe you an apology too.

When Kyle said other species could have light skin and freckles,

I totally laughed in his face.

But Kyle was right.

There are other animals that can be ginger as well.

I didn’t believe it. I didn’t want to believe it.

This morning, I saw a red-haired light-skinned cow,

and I owe you, Kyle and Davin, my sincerest apologies.

Where did you find a red-haired cow?

Would you guys like it see it?

There it is, right there.

A red-headed cow.

Look at it!

You were right, Kyle. A ginger cow.

I shall never question your keen intellect again!

That’s pretty trippy.

Be sure to get pictures of it!

I’m pretty sure this occurs only rarely in nature.

– All right, joke’s over. – This is real!

Tell everyone you made the cow look like that!

You were right. I was wrong.

I sure do admire your courage to admit when you’ve made a mistake.

Thank you.

I gotta go show this to my mom.

Let’s go get the kindergarteners. They’ll wanna see this too.

Be sure to show everyone. It’s really amazing.

Too good, too good.

Even the dumbest lie can have big consequences.

You’re right.

I’m sure that is going to have earth-shattering consequences.

Your attention, please.

Will Kyle Broflovski report to the principal’s office?

Kyle Broflovski to the principal’s office.

– What you do, Kyle? – Nothing.

Busted!

Thanks for coming.

What’s going on?

These men have apparently come from Israel to speak with me,

but we need a translator.

I don’t speak Hebrew.

Please try your best. It seems pretty important.

This boy is Jew.

Jew…

like you.

Try speak to Jew.

We’re trying to tell them we come on very urgent business.

– Anything? – They come on urgent business.

What did they need?

We believe this school has something of the utmost important to our people.

We wish to see the red cow.

The red… You can’t possibly be here for that!

For what? What did he say?

You must understand.

The fate of the world is at stake.

The coming of a red heifer is the most holy sign of Judaism.

It signals the beginning of the end.

It’s not just our religion, but Islam and Christianity as well.

They all agree on one thing.

That the red heifer means the end of times.

You catch any of that, Kyle?

– It’s right over here by… – Oh, my holy schmear!

The Muslims, they beat us here!

What’s going on?

He said the Muslims beat them here. Goddammit!

Step away. You all know what this means.

And you know you’re about to die.

– Hold on, this thing isn’t even… – Don’t touch it!

I ran to the school and told everyone,

“There’s a red-headed cow outside.”

Cartman, stop! You don’t know what you’re doing!

I’m pretty sure this cow can make ginger cheese,

which is like a Swiss cheese with freckles instead of holes.

The Muslim and the Christians are calling for a meeting

to discussing the terms of war.

Very well.

Let us meet to discuss how the world as we know it ends.

All right, so far, we agree

there’ll be no automatic rifles, no shanks and no chemical weapons.

If there can be no chemical weapons,

then the Christians can use no nuclear weapons.

Without nuclear weapons,

what kind of final Armageddon is this gonna be?

Could we agree on non-ballistic nuclear weapons only?

– I suppose that’s fine. – That makes sense.

Non-ballistic nuclear only. All right.

Now, on to prisoners. Are we all agreeing to decapitations?

Of course, we are! What do you think this is?

Come on!

Wait a minute!

Has anyone noticed something?

We are all in a room together.

Talking.

Has it occurred to anyone else that this prophecy,

which amazingly is in all three religions,

could actually be meant to bring us together?

The prophecy says the red heifer signals the end.

Could it mean the end of war?

If the cow is sacrificed in Israel, according to the prophecy,

perhaps it could bring about peace.

After all the years of holy wars and hatred,

a possibility for peace in the Middle East.

In the past 48 hours, Jews, Muslims and Christians

have met in Israel to sort out their differences.

It may be a rocky road, but the chance for peace is real.

And all because of a red cow,

discovered by a young boy here in the US.

We’ll be back with more on these amazing developments.

Got a minute?

I’ve got to tell you something.

The red-headed cow…

isn’t real.

I made him up.

No shit.

I totally lied.

When you asked me if I lied, I looked you in the eye and said no.

I owe you an apology, and I mean it.

It’s OK.

There’s no denying it worked out for the best this time.

You said it’s never for the best. Remember that?

And you’re right. You’re right, Kyle!

Don’t you do this.

The Middle East is finally at peace.

But it’s not true!

I’m being serious. I have to tell the truth.

I don’t know how I can live with this.

I don’t know if I can, unless… I don’t know.

Maybe you called your mom a fat skank.

Maybe if you said that to your mom,

and that her tits belong in the morgue,

maybe somehow I can live with this lie.

Go to hell.

You’re right.

You’re right. I should just tell the truth.

Wait.

– Mom. – Hi, bubbe.

There’s something I need to tell you.

What is it?

You’re a fat skank.

What did you just say?

You’re a fat skank, and your tits belong in a morgue.

Oh, my God.

Are you OK? Does he always talk to you like that?

Come on over here. I’ve got more stuff in my locker.

You’re carrying Cartman’s stuff?

– I thought it’d be nice. – He’s doing all kinds of things for me.

He finished my homework, gave me his soda from lunch.

He’s stoked I brought peace to the Middle East.

– Right, Kyle? – Yes, sir.

Most everyone’s here. Was there something you wanted to say?

Remember, about the…

I love Cartman’s farts.

You what?

Yummy, yummy, I want Cartman’s farts in my tummy.

What are you talking about?

Yummy, yummy, Can I have Cartman’s farts in my tummy?

Jesus. Lie down on your back.

– Yummy, yummy. – Let’s see what I can muster up.

Yummy, yummy. Thank you, Cartman.

What the fuck?

Come on in.

– Can I talk to you? – Sure, what’s the matter?

If you knew something, but you couldn’t tell anyone,

what would you do?

Living with a lie is never a good thing.

Could you maybe just tell me?

I love having Cartman’s farts in my tummy.

I love it so, so much.

Why do you like his farts in your tummy?

Because they taste so yummy.

That’s kind of odd.

Not sure how to help you with that.

Could I… Sorry, am I interrupting?

Not if you have some delicious farts for me.

Are you sure?

All right.

Yummy, yummy.

Today, begins a new Israel.

Today, we are all united as one.

Now, let us celebrate

under one symbol.

No way, no way!

Epic!

Hello, Israel!

The party is officially under way.

Jews, Christians and Muslims have united,

ushering in ten years of Van Halen.

People are celebrating like never before.

No doubt Israel is the happiest rockingest place to be.

There’s peace in the Middle East.

Maybe it’s gonna lead to peace all over the world.

Everyone’s really happy. You should be too.

I am happy. I’m thrilled.

We’ve been friends a long time.

Can you just tell me why you like Cartman’s farts so much?

I just do.

You like how they smell? How they taste?

They’re that good?

Should I try?

Yummy, yummy.

This is Cartman. I have to take it.

I was about to order some dinner. What sounds better, Thai or Greek?

– I don’t care. – I care.

You should have a say in this.

– Should we go with Thai? – That’s fine.

Maybe you should get some help.

Please just leave it alone. Everything is as it has to be.

– I don’t get it. – Maybe he’s mentally ill or something.

Whatever it is, we gotta figure it out.

I think all those farts are starting to go to Kyle’s head.

No more.

Who is that?

Why do you endure all the farts?

Because the world is at peace. I must endure.

What you are doing

is the most awesome thing ever.

I know.

Who else would take such torment?

That’s kind of what I was thinking.

You should like shave your head and get all peaceful about it.

Your sacrifice saves the world.

I endure what I must for the sake of all humanity.

What can this reporter say

except that Israel freaking rocks.

Things just keep getting better here.

In a few days, they’ll honor the little boy

who discovered the red cow, here on stage,

and things are gonna go off.

You’re gonna come with me to Israel?

– I will! – You’re coming?

Whatever you want.

I want the world to see how much you love my farts.

Plane leaves tomorrow.

Don’t eat Cartman’s farts in front of the whole world.

Just stop, please.

It’s OK. Everyone, it’s OK.

Perhaps one day, you will all understand.

What I do,

I do, because I care about each and every one of you.

Now, he just sounds like a self-righteous asshole.

We need to talk. This has to stop.

There are greater things at work than what you understand.

If you wanna suck farts, that’s fine.

But you can’t suck farts and be a dick about it.

I’m actually the opposite.

You seem to think you’re above everyone else.

I’m not better. I’m making the world a better place.

You sound like a dick.

I’m the one person

putting everyone else’s needs before their own.

That’s a dick talking.

You got sulfur poisoning, and now, you’re a dick.

All you need to know is I’m way awesomer than you think.

I don’t think Kyle really loves Cartman’s farts.

– There’s something else going on. – Really? Like what?

This started with the stupid peace in the Middle East.

It’s making Kyle crazy. We’ve gotta get to the bottom of this.

And now, let us honor the little boy who helped make all his happen,

Eric Cartman and his best friend, Fart Boy.

Thank you, everyone.

It’s my honor to have been a part of this miracle.

Isn’t that right, Fart Boy?

Can I please have one of your piping hot farts in my mouth?

Are you sure, Fart Boy?

I’ve had a lot of strange food on this trip.

Yummy, yummy, I want your farts in my tummy.

Excuse me. I’m sorry, everyone.

There’s some breaking news in the United States.

We’re in Colorado, where the red cow was discovered,

and two boys have shocking news that might change everything.

There’s something you all need to know.

The truth about the red cow.

We have all been…

Sorry, hang on.

Do not do this.

You don’t understand. Cartman hasn’t been telling the truth!

I know that!

Why you think I’ve been putting up with his farts?

I know Cartman made it all up.

I also know nothing is more important than peace in the Middle East.

I’m OK with this.

I’m not OK with it. It turned you into a dick.

I’m not a dick! I’m like Gandhi.

When Gandhi starved himself, he wasn’t all,

“Look how fucking awesome I am. Check me out!”

You’re right.

Maybe I let being a martyr go to my head.

Just please, let me stay on this path,

and I’ll try to be cool about it.

Sorry.

You should apologize to Kenny too.

– I’m sorry, Kenny. – That’s OK.

What is the new information?

The red cow…

I saw it too.

It came down from the sky in a flash of light.

It was a miracle.

It was a miracle?

Then it’s not true.

The prophecy is not true!

I thought we were all here because of the prophecy

of a miraculous red cow.

The prophecy is that one day, a fat child with a small penis

would decorate a cow to look ginger.

Not that one would miraculously just fall from the sky.

This was all too good to be true.

We’re associating with these heathens for no reason!

Small penis?

The party’s over.

Muslims, Jews and Christians are back at each other’s throats.

And Israel is once again a place of conflict and turmoil.

You have to listen.

The prophecy did come true!

– It didn’t. – It did!

The prophecy was that a fat boy with a small penis

would one day decorate a cow to look ginger.

We should have known a prophecy like this

was too impossible to ever come to be.

But that is what happened! Tell them, Cartman.

You were right.

I see now that little lies can cause huge problems.

– But it’s the truth! – It’s not.

I have a huge dick.

Sorry, boys. We have to get to a fight.

There’s a rumble at the Wailing Wall.

So it was all for nothing.

The whole time, I was eating farts for nothing.

Cheer up.

This isn’t the first time someone suffering for humanity

was actually just sucking farts.

How about we get a dessert to help cheer you up?