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1
00:00:24,780 --> 00:00:34,050
Subtitles by MemoryOnSmells
http://UKsubtitles.ru.
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00:00:38,340 --> 00:00:41,059
Ow! Yeah!
3
00:00:41,060 --> 00:00:42,539
Hey, budski!
4
00:00:42,540 --> 00:00:44,699
All right, man?
Just watching the racing.
5
00:00:44,700 --> 00:00:46,779
I've got a bet
on the dispenser 55.
6
00:00:46,780 --> 00:00:48,419
Come on, Golden Boy, you big lump.
7
00:00:48,420 --> 00:00:52,259
Golders! There we go!
Come on, you're winning by a snout!
8
00:00:52,260 --> 00:00:55,179
That's the lad! Come on,
you fine thing, you! Here we go!
9
00:00:55,180 --> 00:00:57,459
God!
10
00:00:57,460 --> 00:00:59,779
You lazy fat pig.
11
00:00:59,780 --> 00:01:01,980
That's 100 dollar-pounds
down the crapper.
12
00:01:03,340 --> 00:01:04,860
Pigs racing!
13
00:01:05,900 --> 00:01:07,660
Hey! What's this?
14
00:01:08,980 --> 00:01:12,259
Found that in Petersen's quarters.
Some crazy stuff in that, man.
15
00:01:12,260 --> 00:01:15,539
For instance, did you know
that in the 1970s in Sweden,
16
00:01:15,540 --> 00:01:18,899
20% of all traffic accidents
involved a moose?
17
00:01:18,900 --> 00:01:21,179
A moose?
It's crazy, that, isn't it?
18
00:01:21,180 --> 00:01:24,899
Well, if they're stupid enough
to let 'em drive,
what the hell do they expect?
19
00:01:24,900 --> 00:01:27,699
The moose aren't driving.
You just said they were.
20
00:01:27,700 --> 00:01:30,140
They're not driving -
just causing the accidents.
21
00:01:30,141 --> 00:01:34,579
You mean they're in the back
fooling around, distracting
the driver? That is insane.
22
00:01:34,580 --> 00:01:37,059
Why they giving them a lift
in the first place?
23
00:01:37,060 --> 00:01:38,819
Let 'em walk! They got legs!
24
00:01:38,820 --> 00:01:41,979
No, the moose aren't in the cars,
antlers out the sunroof.
25
00:01:41,980 --> 00:01:45,459
They're in the roads, moosing about,
crossing roads, causing accidents.
26
00:01:45,460 --> 00:01:48,179
You mean they're not looking
left and right? Exactly.
27
00:01:48,180 --> 00:01:50,499
Not using the pedestrian crossings?
Exactly.
28
00:01:50,500 --> 00:01:53,619
Not paying attention to whether it's
a little green man or a red man?
29
00:01:53,620 --> 00:01:57,259
Of course they're not!
They're mooses! Eesh!
30
00:01:57,260 --> 00:02:00,180
These Swedes - they expect too much.
31
00:02:03,780 --> 00:02:06,819
Ah, Kryten.
Mail, sir, internal.
32
00:02:06,820 --> 00:02:08,819
Excellent. I resat my astronavs.
33
00:02:08,820 --> 00:02:11,259
Again, sir? Is that wise?
34
00:02:11,260 --> 00:02:13,899
I want to be an officer, Kryten.
I can't help myself.
35
00:02:13,900 --> 00:02:18,059
I've always loved leading. Being
a leader, doing leadery things.
36
00:02:18,060 --> 00:02:20,899
Bossing people about, sir? Exactly.
37
00:02:20,900 --> 00:02:23,699
But aren't you concerned,
though, sir, if you fail,
38
00:02:23,700 --> 00:02:26,340
you'll spend another weekend
sobbing inside a cupboard?
39
00:02:28,780 --> 00:02:31,019
I've only failed nine times, Kryten.
40
00:02:31,020 --> 00:02:34,339
You make me sound like
a complete halfwit. Here we go.
41
00:02:34,340 --> 00:02:35,859
Good luck, sir.
42
00:02:35,860 --> 00:02:38,700
Good luck not required,
you metal munchkin.
43
00:02:39,860 --> 00:02:43,460
Because - and here's
the clever bit - I EXPECT to fail.
44
00:02:45,820 --> 00:02:47,259
You do, sir?
45
00:02:47,260 --> 00:02:49,939
Absolutely, Kryten.
It's a fiendishly difficult paper.
46
00:02:49,940 --> 00:02:52,459
And I've decided
not to be so hard on myself.
47
00:02:52,460 --> 00:02:54,499
If I pass, splendissimo.
48
00:02:54,500 --> 00:02:57,260
If I fail, hey-ho, pip and dandy.
49
00:02:59,700 --> 00:03:01,379
That's my new life slogan.
50
00:03:01,380 --> 00:03:04,019
Oh. Hey-ho, pip and what, sir?
51
00:03:04,020 --> 00:03:07,499
Sometimes you have to learn how to
lose before you're ready to win.
52
00:03:07,500 --> 00:03:09,819
It's all in this fascinating book
I'm reading.
53
00:03:09,820 --> 00:03:11,300
Oh, what's it called, sir?
54
00:03:11,301 --> 00:03:15,139
Sometimes You Have To Learn How
To Lose Before You're Ready To Win.
55
00:03:15,140 --> 00:03:21,099
It's not a long book, Kryten,
but it makes a good point, I think,
which is...
56
00:03:21,100 --> 00:03:24,379
Sometimes you have to learn how to
lose before you're ready to win.
57
00:03:24,380 --> 00:03:25,900
You've read it?
58
00:03:27,220 --> 00:03:28,859
Er... actually, no, I haven't, sir.
59
00:03:28,860 --> 00:03:30,899
Ah, sounds like you have. Anyway...
60
00:03:30,900 --> 00:03:32,539
the point is, after reading it,
61
00:03:32,540 --> 00:03:35,619
I'm much more forgiving
of my little faults and failures.
62
00:03:35,620 --> 00:03:39,219
Whatever the result, I shall
accept it with calm equilibrium.
63
00:03:39,220 --> 00:03:41,939
Hey-ho, pip and dandy, sir!
64
00:03:41,940 --> 00:03:43,340
Exactly.
65
00:03:57,900 --> 00:04:01,059
Can you never, ever,
succeed at anything?!
66
00:04:01,060 --> 00:04:04,740
You useless, rancid, cancerous
sack of sick!
67
00:04:09,220 --> 00:04:13,260
I'm guessing this is a hey-ho,
pip and dandy moment, sir.
68
00:04:14,820 --> 00:04:17,779
'Your craft
has just entered the catchment area
69
00:04:17,780 --> 00:04:20,979
'for the All-Droid Mail Order
Shopping Station.'
70
00:04:20,980 --> 00:04:22,220
Hey, what's this?
71
00:04:22,221 --> 00:04:25,619
'Welcome to All-Droid,
where shopping's made easy.
72
00:04:25,620 --> 00:04:29,819
'That is totally astonishing!
Talk me through this, Bob.'
73
00:04:29,820 --> 00:04:32,819
Oh, these shopping channel ads
are just so lame.
74
00:04:32,820 --> 00:04:36,299
'You simply put your sugar
into your coffee like so,
75
00:04:36,300 --> 00:04:38,259
place it in the housing unit...'
76
00:04:38,260 --> 00:04:40,139
Who buys this junk?
77
00:04:40,140 --> 00:04:42,099
'..grab your Stirmaster,
78
00:04:42,100 --> 00:04:45,899
'and the Stirmaster
stirs your coffee for you!
79
00:04:45,900 --> 00:04:48,419
'Golly! Even I could do that!'
80
00:04:48,420 --> 00:04:51,619
Who'd want that? It's totally junk.
81
00:04:51,620 --> 00:04:54,059
'The average person
who lives to their 90s,
82
00:04:54,060 --> 00:04:55,859
'and has six cups of coffee a day,
83
00:04:55,860 --> 00:04:58,979
'spends over two weeks
stirring drinks!
84
00:04:58,980 --> 00:05:00,899
'Oh, my!' Two weeks?
85
00:05:00,900 --> 00:05:02,259
Two weeks?
86
00:05:02,260 --> 00:05:04,299
'Think what you could do
in that time.
87
00:05:04,300 --> 00:05:07,899
'Two weeks stirring,
or two weeks skiing?
88
00:05:07,900 --> 00:05:11,499
'I know what I'd rather do!
Ha-ha! Me too!
89
00:05:11,500 --> 00:05:13,219
'The Stirmaster.
90
00:05:13,220 --> 00:05:16,259
'A lovely addition
to any modern kitchen.
91
00:05:16,260 --> 00:05:17,540
'Buy yours now!'
92
00:05:17,541 --> 00:05:19,859
I want one. What about you?
93
00:05:19,860 --> 00:05:21,660
I'd like to order a Stirmaster,
please.
94
00:05:21,661 --> 00:05:23,619
Two. Make it two.
95
00:05:23,620 --> 00:05:27,659
'You are presently in
a queue, but we care about your call
96
00:05:27,660 --> 00:05:31,060
'and promise to deal with your order
as soon as possible.'
97
00:05:33,260 --> 00:05:35,979
Sirs? The scouters
have located a derelict.
98
00:05:35,980 --> 00:05:39,020
I'm getting a Stirmaster.
I'm getting one, too.
99
00:05:43,020 --> 00:05:45,180
Have you seen this about mooses?
100
00:05:48,500 --> 00:05:51,740
- Did you have to bring that?
- I'm next up!
101
00:05:59,860 --> 00:06:02,379
Hey, nice ship.
102
00:06:02,380 --> 00:06:05,299
A Quantum Twister, Listey.
The pride of the Space Corps.
103
00:06:05,300 --> 00:06:07,339
My three brothers
served on ships like this.
104
00:06:07,340 --> 00:06:10,459
I had no idea, sir.
What were they - waiters or barmen?
105
00:06:10,460 --> 00:06:13,019
Captains, Kryten.
106
00:06:13,020 --> 00:06:16,019
Proud Fellows of the Space Corps
Super-Infinity Fleet.
107
00:06:16,020 --> 00:06:19,059
And your brothers have the same
genes as you? That's impressive.
108
00:06:19,060 --> 00:06:21,460
It's like a pole-vaulter winning gold
with a chopstick.
109
00:06:23,460 --> 00:06:25,180
It must make you so proud, though,
sir,
110
00:06:25,181 --> 00:06:28,179
knowing that your brothers
served on ships like this.
111
00:06:28,180 --> 00:06:30,379
Must give you a warm glow
in your heart.
112
00:06:30,380 --> 00:06:33,099
Yes, it's called heartburn, Kryten.
113
00:06:33,100 --> 00:06:36,099
I also get palpitations and nausea.
114
00:06:36,100 --> 00:06:39,619
How can you be jealous? Those
Space Corps jocks were all jerks.
115
00:06:39,620 --> 00:06:43,099
Just a load of over-privileged,
practical-joke-playing party boys.
116
00:06:43,100 --> 00:06:47,419
Party boys? They were space marines,
Listey, ripped and pipped.
117
00:06:47,420 --> 00:06:49,019
Do you know what their slogan is?
118
00:06:49,020 --> 00:06:53,059
"While you sleep,
we're probably saving the universe."
119
00:06:53,060 --> 00:06:55,859
You sure? I thought it was,
"While you sleep,
120
00:06:55,860 --> 00:06:59,020
"we're probably shaving off your
pubes and gluing them to your head."
121
00:07:00,780 --> 00:07:02,939
Hey, maybe we could swap ships.
122
00:07:02,940 --> 00:07:05,259
This baby's got to be better
than Red Dwarf.
123
00:07:05,260 --> 00:07:08,019
That crate's slower
than the speed of dark.
124
00:07:08,020 --> 00:07:11,900
Unfortunately impossible, sir.
The Trojan is not flight-worthy.
125
00:07:13,180 --> 00:07:17,019
There must be 40 buttons here,
all for the captain only...
126
00:07:17,020 --> 00:07:19,499
his special private
captainy buttons.
127
00:07:19,500 --> 00:07:20,859
40!
128
00:07:20,860 --> 00:07:25,659
This could have been mine. Why could
I never pass my damned astronavs?
129
00:07:25,660 --> 00:07:28,499
Those Space Corps boys
had everything.
The buttons, the blasters,
130
00:07:28,500 --> 00:07:31,900
the snug elasticated jumpsuits.
They had it all!
131
00:07:34,620 --> 00:07:35,979
Did you see that?
132
00:07:35,980 --> 00:07:38,100
That was cool!
133
00:07:39,140 --> 00:07:40,499
Do it again.
134
00:07:40,500 --> 00:07:41,939
Are you OK?
135
00:07:41,940 --> 00:07:44,859
My Light Bee must have glitched.
Look, I'm going for a look around.
136
00:07:44,860 --> 00:07:48,339
'Welcome to All-Droid.'
Hello? Yeah, still here.
Still holding.
137
00:07:48,340 --> 00:07:50,219
Stirmaster!
138
00:07:50,220 --> 00:07:53,540
Don't forget me! I want one, too!
139
00:07:55,340 --> 00:07:59,219
This ship's got everything.
It's light years ahead of Red Dwarf.
140
00:07:59,220 --> 00:08:00,900
It's even got one of these.
141
00:08:03,460 --> 00:08:05,619
A greeny, glowy thing.
142
00:08:05,620 --> 00:08:08,419
Mm. Sir. That is a quantum rod, sir.
143
00:08:08,420 --> 00:08:11,619
It acts like a magnet,
allowing the ship to star-jump.
144
00:08:11,620 --> 00:08:13,419
Does it? How?
145
00:08:13,420 --> 00:08:17,259
Well, quite simply, sir,
it draws things formerly connected
back together
146
00:08:17,260 --> 00:08:21,499
and, as everything is made
of energy, and all energy
was present at the big bang,
147
00:08:21,500 --> 00:08:23,539
then everything is connected.
148
00:08:23,540 --> 00:08:26,579
So the rod reconnects things
light years apart,
149
00:08:26,580 --> 00:08:29,459
allowing the ship to contract
space/time.
150
00:08:29,460 --> 00:08:31,179
Kryten, you have a real gift.
151
00:08:31,180 --> 00:08:33,699
You make things that are
really, really complicated
152
00:08:33,700 --> 00:08:35,739
sound really, really complicated.
153
00:08:35,740 --> 00:08:37,579
It is a little sensitive, sir.
154
00:08:37,580 --> 00:08:39,660
You should put it back.
155
00:08:44,220 --> 00:08:45,699
What the hell was that?
156
00:08:45,700 --> 00:08:48,139
'This is the Columbus 3.
Do you read me? Over.'
157
00:08:48,140 --> 00:08:51,139
Another ship! 'This is Columbus 3.'
How do we answer it?
158
00:08:51,140 --> 00:08:53,299
Where's the comm switch?
'Do you read me? Over.'
159
00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:55,019
Ah, I've got it.
160
00:08:55,020 --> 00:08:57,539
Rog, Columbus 3.
161
00:08:57,540 --> 00:08:59,699
This is former First Tech
Maintenance Division,
162
00:08:59,700 --> 00:09:02,339
now Acting Commander
Captain Arnold J Rimmer
163
00:09:02,340 --> 00:09:05,019
of the Deep Space Explorer Craft,
Red Dwarf.
164
00:09:05,020 --> 00:09:06,458
What's happening to the chair?
165
00:09:06,459 --> 00:09:08,338
I think that one is the comm switch,
sir.
166
00:09:08,339 --> 00:09:10,220
Why couldn't they mark it
more clearly?
167
00:09:10,221 --> 00:09:12,259
Someone could look a real idiot
doing that.
168
00:09:12,260 --> 00:09:14,899
'This is Columbus 3. Come in.
Do you copy? Over.
169
00:09:14,900 --> 00:09:17,059
'Need help, and fast. Over.'
170
00:09:17,060 --> 00:09:18,699
Go, Columbus. Over.
171
00:09:18,700 --> 00:09:21,979
'Crew dead. Main drive fragmenting.
Do you copy? Over.'
172
00:09:21,980 --> 00:09:23,819
Affirmative. Over.
173
00:09:23,820 --> 00:09:25,939
'Navigation locked in a death dive.
174
00:09:25,940 --> 00:09:29,099
'Ship will impact meteor storm
in 17 hours.
175
00:09:29,100 --> 00:09:31,499
'This is Ship Hologram Howard Rimmer.
176
00:09:31,500 --> 00:09:33,500
'Can you help us? Over.'
177
00:09:35,180 --> 00:09:37,379
What? Over.
178
00:09:37,380 --> 00:09:41,659
Your brother, sir! What are
the chances? It's extraordinary.
Did the rod do this?
179
00:09:41,660 --> 00:09:45,699
'Ship Hologram Howard Rimmer.
Can you help? Over.'
180
00:09:45,700 --> 00:09:48,699
I can't meet him. How can I meet
him? He's a captain, I'm a nobody.
181
00:09:48,700 --> 00:09:52,699
A vending-machine repair man.
I can't save his life -
it's too embarrassing!
182
00:09:52,700 --> 00:09:55,139
'Trojan, confirm coordinates
received. Over.'
183
00:09:55,140 --> 00:09:58,459
Er... received. Over. Sir,
shall I prepare the teleporters?
184
00:09:58,460 --> 00:10:02,380
I've got 15 hours to pass
my astronavs, become his equal.
Then I can save him.
185
00:10:03,500 --> 00:10:07,019
Columbus, we're on our way.
We'll be there in 15 hours. Over.
186
00:10:07,020 --> 00:10:09,659
But, sir, we could be there
in a matter of seconds.
187
00:10:09,660 --> 00:10:12,099
Kryten, as your superior officer,
188
00:10:12,100 --> 00:10:14,779
I order you to erase the last
five minutes of your memory.
189
00:10:14,780 --> 00:10:17,099
But, sir, that contravenes
my rights of service.
190
00:10:17,100 --> 00:10:18,699
In which case, I also order you
191
00:10:18,700 --> 00:10:21,660
to erase the memory of the order
I just gave you to erase it.
192
00:10:41,100 --> 00:10:44,539
Lister, will you turn that damn
thing off? I'm trying to revise.
193
00:10:44,540 --> 00:10:47,739
I'm getting that Stirmaster, Rimmer.
I'm not hanging up this phone.
194
00:10:47,740 --> 00:10:50,619
It goes everywhere with me.
The loo, the bath - you name it.
195
00:10:50,620 --> 00:10:53,539
If Kochanski walks through that door
now and wants sex,
196
00:10:53,540 --> 00:10:56,899
I'll wedge it in me bum crack
and get to work.
197
00:10:56,900 --> 00:10:59,580
I am not hanging up the phone.
198
00:11:01,700 --> 00:11:04,859
A lateral-thinking question.
I've never been good at these.
199
00:11:04,860 --> 00:11:06,859
Come on, then. Come on, hit me.
200
00:11:06,860 --> 00:11:09,659
Right, it's 1971.
201
00:11:09,660 --> 00:11:12,059
A Swedish man crashes into a tree.
202
00:11:12,060 --> 00:11:14,219
What causes the accident?
203
00:11:14,220 --> 00:11:16,660
It's nothing medical.
Nothing wrong with the car.
204
00:11:18,260 --> 00:11:20,539
Right, so, um...
205
00:11:20,540 --> 00:11:25,179
Swedish guy drives into a tree.
What caused the accident?
206
00:11:25,180 --> 00:11:28,179
Answer's in the back, right? Right.
207
00:11:28,180 --> 00:11:31,499
Wow! It's a really hard one, that.
208
00:11:31,500 --> 00:11:35,059
I mean, you've probably got to be
pretty damn smart
209
00:11:35,060 --> 00:11:36,940
to get a question like that right.
210
00:11:38,260 --> 00:11:41,699
You know what? I'm gonna go for
a moose. A moose?!
211
00:11:41,700 --> 00:11:44,579
Yeah, it was in the road.
He swerved to avoid the moose.
212
00:11:44,580 --> 00:11:46,300
Are you insane? How can it be a...?
213
00:11:46,301 --> 00:11:48,139
It's a moose.
214
00:11:48,140 --> 00:11:50,020
Sometimes life is good.
215
00:11:51,020 --> 00:11:55,139
Ah, sir, you asked me to remind you
it's ten minutes to your exam.
216
00:11:55,140 --> 00:11:58,619
Kryten, a lateral-thinking question.
Just got it myself.
217
00:11:58,620 --> 00:12:00,099
It's 1971.
218
00:12:00,100 --> 00:12:03,539
A Swedish man drives into a tree.
What causes the accident?
219
00:12:03,540 --> 00:12:05,740
It's a moose, sir.
He swerves and hits a tree.
220
00:12:08,140 --> 00:12:11,099
Is it me? How did you get that?
221
00:12:11,100 --> 00:12:13,579
Get what? I've got something for you.
222
00:12:13,580 --> 00:12:16,099
A lateral-thinking question.
A lottery what?
223
00:12:16,100 --> 00:12:19,099
Ah, I knew I could rely on you.
224
00:12:19,100 --> 00:12:20,939
What caused this accident?
225
00:12:20,940 --> 00:12:22,779
What accident?
226
00:12:22,780 --> 00:12:25,380
No, it's a question, all right?
Are you ready?
227
00:12:26,580 --> 00:12:29,219
It's 1971. A man...
228
00:12:29,220 --> 00:12:30,500
Was he Swedish?
229
00:12:34,220 --> 00:12:35,660
Yes. A moose.
230
00:12:44,980 --> 00:12:46,020
It was a moose.
231
00:12:47,380 --> 00:12:49,939
He swerved to avoid it
and hit a tree.
232
00:12:49,940 --> 00:12:53,299
Oh, the moose is on the road,
by the way, not in the car driving.
233
00:12:53,300 --> 00:12:56,500
Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!
234
00:12:58,020 --> 00:13:00,619
Who am I kidding?
I'm never going to pass this exam.
235
00:13:00,620 --> 00:13:02,220
It's so unfair!
236
00:13:20,873 --> 00:13:23,872
Look at his eyes. They're
spinning beach balls of doom.
237
00:13:23,873 --> 00:13:25,672
His hard disk must have crashed.
238
00:13:25,673 --> 00:13:28,432
Mmm. He's completely helpless.
What are we going to do?
239
00:13:28,433 --> 00:13:30,673
I say we draw a moustache on him.
240
00:13:31,873 --> 00:13:34,872
What? It's a once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity.
241
00:13:34,873 --> 00:13:36,512
Then we fix it.
242
00:13:36,513 --> 00:13:40,032
But, first, get out the felt-tips.
243
00:13:40,033 --> 00:13:42,593
Who's this?
Oh, look, you can't do this.
244
00:13:43,593 --> 00:13:46,033
You got who it is yet?
Oh, look, this is so wrong.
245
00:13:46,034 --> 00:13:48,672
You can't do this.
It's so... It's so...
246
00:13:48,673 --> 00:13:50,193
It's Salvador Dali. My go!
247
00:13:58,073 --> 00:14:00,312
How long have I been out?
248
00:14:00,313 --> 00:14:03,833
Three hours. It took longer than
we thought to rub off the felt-tip.
249
00:14:05,073 --> 00:14:06,152
What happened?
250
00:14:06,153 --> 00:14:11,152
Well, sir, your hard drive was
overrun by a form of self-created
malware, sir...
251
00:14:11,153 --> 00:14:14,872
millions of unnecessary memory files
clogging up your system.
252
00:14:14,873 --> 00:14:18,432
The average person
has 3,000 different thoughts a day.
253
00:14:18,433 --> 00:14:20,672
HE only has three.
254
00:14:20,673 --> 00:14:24,512
But of your thoughts,
over 60% were you obsessing about
past resentments.
255
00:14:24,513 --> 00:14:27,152
Your brothers' success,
your career failure,
256
00:14:27,153 --> 00:14:29,113
your death, your lousy sex life.
257
00:14:30,873 --> 00:14:35,032
Over the years, your system has
become so engorged with resentment,
258
00:14:35,033 --> 00:14:37,072
you've had a massive data jam.
259
00:14:37,073 --> 00:14:39,512
Are you saying
I'm a resentful person?
260
00:14:39,513 --> 00:14:41,313
I really resent that.
261
00:14:42,353 --> 00:14:45,072
Probably explains
why you couldn't pass the exam.
262
00:14:45,073 --> 00:14:47,032
There's no room left in your head.
263
00:14:47,033 --> 00:14:48,153
So, what happens now?
264
00:14:48,154 --> 00:14:52,232
Well, we've drained the resentments
and we've cleaned up
your hard drive.
265
00:14:52,233 --> 00:14:54,072
Oh. I feel different.
266
00:14:54,073 --> 00:14:56,232
My head definitely feels roomier.
267
00:14:56,233 --> 00:14:59,713
Once, I lived in a tiny one-bed.
Now I'm in a barn conversion.
268
00:15:00,993 --> 00:15:04,512
This is great! I can finally
pass that exam, impress Howard.
269
00:15:04,513 --> 00:15:06,592
What, your brother?
270
00:15:06,593 --> 00:15:08,431
We got a distress call
from his ship.
271
00:15:08,432 --> 00:15:10,673
I didn't want to see him
until I'd become an officer.
272
00:15:10,674 --> 00:15:13,072
Howard? Wasn't he the one
in the Space Scouts
273
00:15:13,073 --> 00:15:15,193
who painted your todge
with orange glow paint?
274
00:15:16,713 --> 00:15:20,712
For three whole nights,
I could read Biggles Flies West
under the bed sheets
275
00:15:20,713 --> 00:15:23,152
without needing a torch.
276
00:15:23,153 --> 00:15:27,473
When I lay on my back,
I could have doubled as a lighthouse
for really small ships.
277
00:15:29,153 --> 00:15:31,232
He teased me mercilessly.
278
00:15:31,233 --> 00:15:34,792
Hardly a day went by when he didn't
swirly my head down the toilet
279
00:15:34,793 --> 00:15:37,872
or leave me wedgied to a door hook,
sometimes for hours.
280
00:15:37,873 --> 00:15:39,793
Hey, this guy sounds amazing!
281
00:15:42,233 --> 00:15:45,952
Who am I kidding? Passing this exam
isn't going to solve anything.
282
00:15:45,953 --> 00:15:49,152
So I'm an officer on board
a beat-up old mining ship.
283
00:15:49,153 --> 00:15:50,953
That's not going to impress Howard.
284
00:15:50,954 --> 00:15:55,952
Extraordinary! His powers of logic
and reasoning have improved
dramatically.
285
00:15:55,953 --> 00:15:58,072
You don't have to impress him.
286
00:15:58,073 --> 00:16:01,312
You've always had
this stupid rivalry
with your brothers, haven't you?
287
00:16:01,313 --> 00:16:03,952
Look what it's got you.
A hard drive full of resentment.
288
00:16:03,953 --> 00:16:06,872
But now you've got a choice.
Are you going to grow up
289
00:16:06,873 --> 00:16:09,312
and let him see you
for who you really are,
290
00:16:09,313 --> 00:16:12,232
or are you going to carry on
being a lying, cheating weasel,
291
00:16:12,233 --> 00:16:14,033
pretending to be
something you're not?
292
00:16:15,153 --> 00:16:17,713
I think we all know
the answer to this.
293
00:16:41,353 --> 00:16:43,712
Coordinates locked and logged, sirs.
294
00:16:43,713 --> 00:16:47,072
Teleport active! Everyone ready?
Lister, hang up that damn phone.
295
00:16:47,073 --> 00:16:49,632
No way am I hanging up the phone,
Rimmer.
296
00:16:49,633 --> 00:16:51,951
No way am I talking
to seven different droids again,
297
00:16:51,952 --> 00:16:54,153
giving each and every one of them
a name and address,
298
00:16:54,154 --> 00:16:57,712
only for the next droid to ask me
the same set of stupid smegging
questions.
299
00:16:57,713 --> 00:17:01,912
Now, look. I will play along
with your silly little charade,
but I'm not hanging up the phone.
300
00:17:01,913 --> 00:17:04,792
Well, put it somewhere. Hide it.
Put it away. Here they come.
301
00:17:04,793 --> 00:17:06,273
Coming through now, sir.
302
00:17:14,873 --> 00:17:16,232
Arnold?
303
00:17:16,233 --> 00:17:18,512
Is that... you?
304
00:17:18,513 --> 00:17:20,872
Welcome aboard, Howard.
305
00:17:20,873 --> 00:17:23,592
Th-This is YOUR ship?
306
00:17:23,593 --> 00:17:25,792
YOU'RE in the Space Corps?
307
00:17:25,793 --> 00:17:27,113
You?
308
00:17:28,233 --> 00:17:32,353
Captain Arnold J Rimmer, holder
of the Gold Oblong of Pluck...
309
00:17:33,713 --> 00:17:36,792
..and proud Fellow of the
Space Corps Super-Infinity Fleet.
310
00:17:36,793 --> 00:17:39,033
But you were an utter twat!
311
00:17:41,993 --> 00:17:44,232
How on earth did you get
in the Space Corps?
312
00:17:44,233 --> 00:17:46,432
And how did you pass the exams?
313
00:17:46,433 --> 00:17:50,313
Your brain's smaller than the salad
section in a Scottish supermarket.
314
00:17:51,993 --> 00:17:55,073
I'm sorry to disappoint you,
Howie, but I made it.
315
00:17:56,553 --> 00:17:58,072
Enchante, mademoiselle.
316
00:17:58,073 --> 00:18:00,352
Charmed, Captain Rimmer.
317
00:18:00,353 --> 00:18:01,872
Sim Crawford.
318
00:18:01,873 --> 00:18:05,152
What happened to that rust bucket
mining ship you were on?
319
00:18:05,153 --> 00:18:06,913
We all thought you'd gone down
with that.
320
00:18:06,914 --> 00:18:09,152
Passed my astronavs, Howster.
321
00:18:09,153 --> 00:18:12,352
Got a placement here
and was fast-tracked to the top.
322
00:18:12,353 --> 00:18:14,592
Allow me to introduce you
to my crew.
323
00:18:14,593 --> 00:18:18,273
Over here we have flight coordinator
Kryten Krytenski.
324
00:18:19,993 --> 00:18:22,072
It's a great pleasure
to meet you, sir.
325
00:18:22,073 --> 00:18:25,272
I understand Captain Rimmer
learned all his leadership qualities
326
00:18:25,273 --> 00:18:27,712
and supreme bravery from you, sir.
327
00:18:27,713 --> 00:18:30,152
Oh, hush, you.
328
00:18:30,153 --> 00:18:31,912
It's so embarrassing.
329
00:18:31,913 --> 00:18:33,712
A mechanoid!
330
00:18:33,713 --> 00:18:36,432
Why don't you get a simulant
like Crawford?
331
00:18:36,433 --> 00:18:39,432
I like working with
the underprivileged, Howard.
332
00:18:39,433 --> 00:18:42,872
The down and out.
The deranged and needy.
333
00:18:42,873 --> 00:18:46,072
When we found Kryten, he was
a burnt-out wreck on a junk heap.
334
00:18:46,073 --> 00:18:49,152
And you rebuilt him -
gave him something to live for.
335
00:18:49,153 --> 00:18:52,073
No, we just hosed him down
and gave him a hat.
336
00:18:55,793 --> 00:18:58,992
And as part of our interspecies
programme,
337
00:18:58,993 --> 00:19:01,192
our very able navigation officer,
338
00:19:01,193 --> 00:19:03,673
flight officer Gerald Hampton.
339
00:19:05,633 --> 00:19:07,153
Gerald Hampton.
340
00:19:08,433 --> 00:19:10,072
Hampton!
341
00:19:10,073 --> 00:19:12,352
Oh! Er... good to meet you, Captain.
342
00:19:12,353 --> 00:19:17,193
And finally, my fearless flight
commander, David Listerton-Smythe.
343
00:19:18,193 --> 00:19:19,552
Hi.
344
00:19:19,553 --> 00:19:21,552
Your uniform, the insignia.
345
00:19:21,553 --> 00:19:24,792
You're a Touch-T.
Beg your pardon, ma'am?
346
00:19:24,793 --> 00:19:26,352
A Touch-T.
347
00:19:26,353 --> 00:19:30,152
Oh, yeah, yeah. That's exactly
what I am. I'm a Touch-T.
Yeah, course I am.
348
00:19:30,153 --> 00:19:32,272
That must be fascinating.
349
00:19:32,273 --> 00:19:35,912
It is. It so is.
Fascinating's exactly what it is.
350
00:19:35,913 --> 00:19:38,193
Ha-ha-ha! He loves it.
Yes, the whole Touch-T thing.
351
00:19:38,194 --> 00:19:41,192
All the different aspects.
Fascinating. Yeah, it's brilliant.
352
00:19:41,193 --> 00:19:43,433
Do you mind showing me?
353
00:19:46,273 --> 00:19:49,872
Just to be able to touch someone
and read their thoughts.
354
00:19:49,873 --> 00:19:52,712
Touch-T is touch-telepathy, sir.
355
00:19:52,713 --> 00:19:55,152
Please, try it on me.
356
00:19:55,153 --> 00:19:58,352
H-Have we got the time? I don't
think we've really got the time.
357
00:19:58,353 --> 00:20:00,272
Hey, we got plenty of time, bud.
358
00:20:00,273 --> 00:20:01,832
Go ahead!
359
00:20:01,833 --> 00:20:04,152
Don't worry about it.
Go ahead, touch him.
360
00:20:04,153 --> 00:20:08,433
I'll think of something,
and you tell me what I'm thinking.
361
00:20:11,793 --> 00:20:12,873
OK. OK.
362
00:20:23,793 --> 00:20:26,552
You're thinking...
You're thinking...
363
00:20:26,553 --> 00:20:29,632
Um... I'm sensing discomfort.
364
00:20:29,633 --> 00:20:31,352
Um...
365
00:20:31,353 --> 00:20:33,272
pain.
366
00:20:33,273 --> 00:20:36,192
You're thinking
I'm squeezing your head too hard.
367
00:20:36,193 --> 00:20:40,992
That's amazing!
That's exactly what I was thinking.
368
00:20:40,993 --> 00:20:43,192
Shall we move on?
369
00:20:43,193 --> 00:20:45,832
Oh, must we?
I'd like to do another one.
370
00:20:45,833 --> 00:20:48,992
I think so. Oh, OK. Show me
the rest of your ship.
371
00:20:48,993 --> 00:20:52,512
The rest of the ship?
Oh, I want to see everything.
372
00:20:52,513 --> 00:20:55,432
So, this is a corridor.
373
00:20:55,433 --> 00:20:57,112
Windows, of course.
374
00:20:57,113 --> 00:21:00,632
We tend to use it very much
as... a corridor.
375
00:21:00,633 --> 00:21:02,272
After you.
376
00:21:02,273 --> 00:21:05,072
'I'm so sorry you've
been kept waiting so long, sir.'
377
00:21:05,073 --> 00:21:07,992
Sorry? Sorry?! It's ridiculous!
378
00:21:07,993 --> 00:21:12,072
I've been on hold for hours now,
listening to that stupid smegging
music. 'I'm so sorry, sir.
379
00:21:12,073 --> 00:21:15,192
'Would you like to make a formal
complaint about being put on hold?'
380
00:21:15,193 --> 00:21:17,473
You're damn right I would!
'Please hold.'
381
00:21:18,993 --> 00:21:21,072
I'm at breaking point.
I'm about to crack!
382
00:21:21,073 --> 00:21:25,712
Sir, let me take over.
As a droid myself,
I understand how these things work.
383
00:21:25,713 --> 00:21:29,352
I'll have you through
to the right department in no time.
384
00:21:29,353 --> 00:21:32,712
Now, you listen to me,
you trumped-up piece of metal trash!
385
00:21:32,713 --> 00:21:35,632
If you put me through
to one more department
386
00:21:35,633 --> 00:21:38,352
where I'm asked who I am
and what I want,
387
00:21:38,353 --> 00:21:41,352
I will shove this phone
so far up your...
388
00:21:41,353 --> 00:21:43,832
I'll take over from there, Krytes.
389
00:21:43,833 --> 00:21:45,913
Thanks for showing me
how to stay calm.
390
00:21:47,273 --> 00:21:49,912
So, what do you think, Howdy Doody?
391
00:21:49,913 --> 00:21:54,112
Well, this is quite a ship,
quite a crew. Quite incredible.
392
00:21:54,113 --> 00:21:56,432
I still can't wrap my head around it.
393
00:21:56,433 --> 00:21:58,912
You were such a weasel.
394
00:21:58,913 --> 00:22:00,632
Now you've got it all.
395
00:22:00,633 --> 00:22:05,113
The buttons, the blasters,
the snug elasticated jumpsuits.
396
00:22:08,713 --> 00:22:10,072
Look at his eyes.
397
00:22:10,073 --> 00:22:13,552
HE'S resentful of ME?
Sir? Crawford, sir.
398
00:22:13,553 --> 00:22:15,712
Suggest we get
urgent medical assistance.
399
00:22:15,713 --> 00:22:18,072
Don't believe
he'll survive teleportation.
400
00:22:18,073 --> 00:22:21,552
Suggest we fly him to
the medical facility
on the All-Droid Space Station.
401
00:22:21,553 --> 00:22:24,832
On THIS ship?
Of course on this ship, sir.
402
00:22:24,833 --> 00:22:28,072
Good idea, Crawford.
Plot a course, Lieutenant Commander.
403
00:22:28,073 --> 00:22:30,832
On THIS ship?
Of course on this ship.
404
00:22:30,833 --> 00:22:32,832
Navigation officer, plot a course.
405
00:22:32,833 --> 00:22:34,992
On THIS ship? Of course on this ship!
406
00:22:34,993 --> 00:22:37,192
But I mean... Just do it!
407
00:22:37,193 --> 00:22:41,432
I'll teleport ahead
to the space station
and have medidroids on standby.
408
00:22:41,433 --> 00:22:42,832
Good plan.
409
00:22:42,833 --> 00:22:45,073
Course to that place
you asked to go to, plotted.
410
00:22:45,074 --> 00:22:47,632
In your own time,
take us away, Navigation Officer.
411
00:22:47,633 --> 00:22:49,233
That's me. I'll do that!
412
00:22:51,353 --> 00:22:53,832
Strange. I didn't sense us turning.
413
00:22:53,833 --> 00:22:55,792
Er... turning now, ma'am.
414
00:22:55,793 --> 00:22:57,873
Turning right now, ma'am!
415
00:23:03,473 --> 00:23:05,513
We'll see you on the space station,
Crawford.
416
00:23:14,993 --> 00:23:18,832
Kryten! I want you to do
a resentment drain on Howard.
417
00:23:18,833 --> 00:23:22,032
Once he's stable, we'll teleport him
straight to the space station.
418
00:23:22,033 --> 00:23:24,993
Yeah, you do that.
I'm gonna get me another felt-tip.
419
00:23:54,993 --> 00:23:57,712
What happened?
You had a resentment attack.
420
00:23:57,713 --> 00:24:00,872
Because you were so jealous of me,
it froze your entire system,
421
00:24:00,873 --> 00:24:02,673
because you were so jealous! Of me!
422
00:24:02,674 --> 00:24:04,792
I made you that jealous! Me!
423
00:24:04,793 --> 00:24:07,192
That could have wiped
my whole hard drive.
424
00:24:07,193 --> 00:24:10,432
I know.
That's how jealous you were. Of me!
425
00:24:10,433 --> 00:24:13,112
Look, Arnold, I...
426
00:24:13,113 --> 00:24:15,032
I've got a confession to make.
427
00:24:15,033 --> 00:24:17,192
I want to come clean.
428
00:24:17,193 --> 00:24:20,352
I'm not who you think I am.
429
00:24:20,353 --> 00:24:22,752
I am in the Space Corps,
but I'm not a captain.
430
00:24:22,753 --> 00:24:25,833
I'm a... vending-machine repairman.
431
00:24:28,313 --> 00:24:32,472
Two nights ago,
I was awoken by laser fire.
The ship was under attack.
432
00:24:32,473 --> 00:24:36,352
I leapt out of bed and...
hid under a table.
433
00:24:36,353 --> 00:24:39,912
Two days later,
when I finally emerged,
434
00:24:39,913 --> 00:24:43,872
like the lily-livered,
yellow-bellied coward that I am,
435
00:24:43,873 --> 00:24:46,992
I discovered that the only other
survivor was Crawford.
436
00:24:46,993 --> 00:24:50,272
Our main drive was dead
and the ship was out of control.
437
00:24:50,273 --> 00:24:52,513
Who attacked your ship?
Did you ever find out?
438
00:24:54,153 --> 00:24:56,392
Isn't it obvious? Crawford?
439
00:24:56,393 --> 00:25:00,032
What are you doing? I thought you
teleported to the space station.
440
00:25:00,033 --> 00:25:04,472
No, sir, I beamed up two floors
to the munitions store.
Brought myself this.
441
00:25:04,473 --> 00:25:06,672
But why, ma'am?
442
00:25:06,673 --> 00:25:09,352
For years I served the human race,
doing their bidding,
443
00:25:09,353 --> 00:25:12,952
watching them poison the universe
with their selfish stupidity.
444
00:25:12,953 --> 00:25:16,632
But no more. I want the Trojan data
files and quantum rod.
445
00:25:16,633 --> 00:25:20,632
I'll use the rod's power to unite
all sims and start the uprising.
446
00:25:20,633 --> 00:25:23,633
Never again will we
be servants to man.
447
00:25:33,193 --> 00:25:35,832
Now for the rod. No-one move.
448
00:25:35,833 --> 00:25:39,352
'Mr Lister,
great news, sir.
You're finally logged in, sir.
449
00:25:39,353 --> 00:25:41,832
'We can now process your complaint.'
450
00:25:41,833 --> 00:25:45,832
Do what you gotta do,
but I've gotta answer that phone.
Move and you're dead.
451
00:25:45,833 --> 00:25:47,392
I am going for the phone!
452
00:25:47,393 --> 00:25:50,192
Sir, it's not worth it!
It's just a Stirmaster.
453
00:25:50,193 --> 00:25:52,552
It's not about the Stirmaster
any more, Kryten!
454
00:25:52,553 --> 00:25:55,112
It's turned into something else,
something bigger.
455
00:25:55,113 --> 00:25:57,752
I mean, I'm the last human being
alive, God damn it!
456
00:25:57,753 --> 00:26:02,272
And if I don't answer that phone
and make a formal complaint,
then who will?
457
00:26:02,273 --> 00:26:05,912
I'm a human being, God damn it!
My life has value!
458
00:26:05,913 --> 00:26:08,312
And if I have to die
so that no other life form
459
00:26:08,313 --> 00:26:09,953
has to go through this maze of hell,
460
00:26:09,954 --> 00:26:11,312
then so be it.
461
00:26:11,313 --> 00:26:13,313
I am going for the phone.
462
00:26:15,193 --> 00:26:17,752
Hello?
Evil psychopathic droid in the room.
463
00:26:17,753 --> 00:26:19,553
I'm going for the phone.
Then I'll shoot.
464
00:26:19,554 --> 00:26:21,912
I'm going for the phone.
Then you're dead.
465
00:26:21,913 --> 00:26:24,073
Oh!
466
00:26:34,833 --> 00:26:38,753
Mr Hampton, sir!
Resentment file! Neck port!
467
00:26:52,953 --> 00:26:54,393
Hello?
468
00:26:55,953 --> 00:26:57,673
Hello? Hello?!
469
00:27:00,753 --> 00:27:03,032
Howard!
470
00:27:03,033 --> 00:27:04,552
You're hit!
471
00:27:04,553 --> 00:27:06,672
Arnold.
472
00:27:06,673 --> 00:27:11,353
For the first time in my life, I'm
not pretending to be someone I'm not.
473
00:27:12,393 --> 00:27:14,392
It feels so much better.
474
00:27:14,393 --> 00:27:16,192
This is me.
475
00:27:16,193 --> 00:27:18,272
Take it or leave it.
476
00:27:18,273 --> 00:27:21,032
Howard, I too have a confession.
477
00:27:21,033 --> 00:27:23,672
You know when I told you
I was an officer in the Space Corps,
478
00:27:23,673 --> 00:27:26,272
this is my ship,
I've been married three times,
479
00:27:26,273 --> 00:27:28,552
and I've got two
Lamborghini Sesto Elementos?
480
00:27:28,553 --> 00:27:31,672
Yes? It was a lie.
481
00:27:31,673 --> 00:27:33,193
I've only got one.
482
00:27:35,593 --> 00:27:37,073
I feel so much better now.
483
00:27:53,593 --> 00:27:55,833
Pkow! Pkow! Pkow!
484
00:28:02,313 --> 00:28:04,112
Cheers, darling.
485
00:28:04,113 --> 00:28:06,873
Mail, sirs,
from the GMC on-board computer.
486
00:28:09,913 --> 00:28:11,753
It's about Goalpost-Head's brother.
487
00:28:11,754 --> 00:28:16,592
I informed it of Howard's holodeath
so they could update his files.
488
00:28:16,593 --> 00:28:19,392
Ah, case closed. RIP, Howie.
489
00:28:19,393 --> 00:28:21,392
His wedgying days are over,
490
00:28:21,393 --> 00:28:24,752
and never again will I have
a flaming mucus ball of resentment
491
00:28:24,753 --> 00:28:27,912
smouldering in my gut
every time I think of him.
492
00:28:27,913 --> 00:28:32,112
"In view of Howard Rimmer's heroic
death saving both crew and ship,
493
00:28:32,113 --> 00:28:36,232
"we feel it only fitting that he is
awarded the Platinum Star
of Fortitude."
494
00:28:36,233 --> 00:28:39,552
But that is the highest
military decoration
495
00:28:39,553 --> 00:28:41,313
awarded by the Space Corps!
496
00:28:42,393 --> 00:28:45,112
"And we feel it is
entirely appropriate
497
00:28:45,113 --> 00:28:49,153
"that Red Dwarf be renamed
the SS Howard Rimmer."
498
00:28:50,873 --> 00:28:52,393
I'll go and get my paintbrush.
499
00:28:55,393 --> 00:28:59,873
I think this could be one of those
"Hey-ho, pip and dandy" moments,
sir.
500
00:29:02,517 --> 00:29:54,368
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