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♪ It seems today
that all you see
2
00:00:04,655 --> 00:00:08,256
♪ Is violence in movies
and sex on TV
3
00:00:08,325 --> 00:00:11,643
♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values
4
00:00:11,712 --> 00:00:14,862
♪ On which we used to rely?
5
00:00:14,931 --> 00:00:18,100
♪ Lucky there's a family guy
6
00:00:18,169 --> 00:00:21,520
♪ Lucky there's a man who
positively can do
7
00:00:21,588 --> 00:00:23,104
♪ All the things that make us
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00:00:23,190 --> 00:00:24,856
♪ Laugh and cry
9
00:00:24,925 --> 00:00:29,694
♪ He's a family guy ♪
10
00:00:39,440 --> 00:00:40,640
Trick or treat?
11
00:00:40,674 --> 00:00:43,074
Chris, what in God's name
are you doing?
12
00:00:43,143 --> 00:00:44,910
You can't go out
dressed like that.
13
00:00:44,979 --> 00:00:47,012
Why not? I'm Bill Cosby.
14
00:00:47,081 --> 00:00:50,332
Okay, but, I mean...
You can't go out like that.
15
00:00:50,401 --> 00:00:52,751
Well, come on, Mom,
don't I look like him?
16
00:00:52,820 --> 00:00:56,004
(IMITATING BILL COSBY)
17
00:00:56,090 --> 00:00:59,675
Well, yes, but, Chris,
you can't just walk around
in blackface.
18
00:00:59,743 --> 00:01:01,409
It's racist.
19
00:01:01,479 --> 00:01:04,680
Now, go upstairs and put on
that Indian chief costume
I bought you.
20
00:01:04,748 --> 00:01:07,232
I don't want to!
(GRUMBLING)
21
00:01:16,694 --> 00:01:18,026
Peter, what's with all the eggs?
22
00:01:18,095 --> 00:01:20,462
Well, every Halloween,
me, Joe and Quagmire
23
00:01:20,531 --> 00:01:22,175
do this thing
where one of us is it,
24
00:01:22,199 --> 00:01:23,376
and then the other two of us
25
00:01:23,400 --> 00:01:25,345
nail the crap out of him
with awesome pranks.
26
00:01:25,369 --> 00:01:27,018
Well, who's it this year?
27
00:01:42,169 --> 00:01:43,169
Damn it.
28
00:01:49,543 --> 00:01:50,575
(GASPS)
29
00:01:51,411 --> 00:01:53,628
(YELLING)
30
00:01:53,697 --> 00:01:55,864
Guys, guys, be careful!
This isn't my box!
31
00:01:55,950 --> 00:01:57,610
Oh, yeah, sure.
Then whose is it?
32
00:01:57,634 --> 00:01:59,167
MAN: It's mine.
33
00:01:59,236 --> 00:02:01,203
I'm Dick Pump,
and I'd appreciate it
34
00:02:01,272 --> 00:02:04,106
if you hooligans
didn't get your eggs
all over my parcel.
35
00:02:04,174 --> 00:02:05,952
Sorry. I keep getting
your mail, Dick.
36
00:02:05,976 --> 00:02:07,220
Hey, what's in there, anyway?
37
00:02:07,244 --> 00:02:09,027
Embarrassing stuff.
38
00:02:15,051 --> 00:02:17,719
Wow, that was terrific, Jessica.
39
00:02:17,788 --> 00:02:19,555
It was good for me, too.
40
00:02:19,623 --> 00:02:20,923
(SCREAMS)
41
00:02:20,991 --> 00:02:23,592
(LAUGHS) Got you
again, Quagmire.
42
00:02:23,661 --> 00:02:25,605
You said you were
that waitress
from Friendly's!
43
00:02:25,629 --> 00:02:27,563
I lied.
You jerk!
44
00:02:27,631 --> 00:02:29,097
I didn't feel anything.
45
00:02:29,166 --> 00:02:30,398
But you did!
46
00:02:30,467 --> 00:02:32,801
Happy Halloween, fuck face.
47
00:02:35,556 --> 00:02:36,788
Hey, hey, get away!
48
00:02:36,857 --> 00:02:38,268
(COCKS GUN)
Just get away
from me, Peter!
49
00:02:38,292 --> 00:02:40,492
Hey, take it easy, Quagmire.
Nobody wants to hurt you.
50
00:02:40,527 --> 00:02:41,527
Right, Joe?
51
00:02:43,147 --> 00:02:44,257
Gotcha!
52
00:02:44,281 --> 00:02:45,530
Ha! Hepatitis C!
53
00:02:45,598 --> 00:02:47,558
Joke's on you.
I already got it.
54
00:02:47,951 --> 00:02:49,017
Meningitis!
55
00:02:49,086 --> 00:02:50,286
I'm a carrier.
56
00:02:50,371 --> 00:02:52,211
Gonorrhea!
Patient Zero.
57
00:02:52,272 --> 00:02:54,923
You're gonna have to
do better than that.
58
00:02:54,992 --> 00:02:57,859
I don't know, Joe. That's it.
We're out of known diseases.
59
00:02:57,928 --> 00:02:59,294
Unless...
60
00:03:22,803 --> 00:03:25,504
All right,
what this is has no name,
so you can't have it.
61
00:03:31,962 --> 00:03:34,240
(CHUCKLES)
We got him.
62
00:03:34,264 --> 00:03:36,014
Halloween is fun.
63
00:03:39,770 --> 00:03:41,164
(GROWLING)
(GIRL SCREAMING)
64
00:03:41,188 --> 00:03:42,770
What was that?
65
00:03:49,145 --> 00:03:51,529
(GASPS) Oh, my God.
I knew this day would come.
66
00:03:51,598 --> 00:03:53,531
Rupert, we're under
attack by monsters!
67
00:03:53,600 --> 00:03:54,799
Dear God!
68
00:03:54,852 --> 00:03:57,018
But wait, there's Superman.
He'll save us.
69
00:03:57,087 --> 00:03:58,854
Superman! Superman!
70
00:03:58,922 --> 00:04:00,500
Wait, wait.
Where are you going?
71
00:04:00,524 --> 00:04:01,706
To hell with him.
72
00:04:01,775 --> 00:04:03,670
We'll have to deal with
these marauders ourselves.
73
00:04:03,694 --> 00:04:05,327
Rupert, man your station.
74
00:04:06,863 --> 00:04:08,913
All right, you undead bastards,
75
00:04:08,982 --> 00:04:10,760
time to send you back to hell!
76
00:04:10,784 --> 00:04:12,384
(YELLING)
77
00:04:13,586 --> 00:04:14,902
(ALL SCREAMING)
78
00:04:16,990 --> 00:04:18,818
Hey, Stewie,
you all set to go
trick-or-treating?
79
00:04:18,842 --> 00:04:20,153
Whoa, what the hell
are you doing?
80
00:04:20,177 --> 00:04:21,693
We're under attack, Brian!
81
00:04:21,762 --> 00:04:24,362
By zombies and vampires
and a Mexican princess!
82
00:04:24,414 --> 00:04:26,008
Stewie, those aren't
monsters, they're kids.
83
00:04:26,032 --> 00:04:27,432
They're trick-or-treaters.
84
00:04:27,500 --> 00:04:29,267
Trick-or-treaters?
85
00:04:29,335 --> 00:04:31,069
Yeah. It's what
kids do on Halloween.
86
00:04:31,138 --> 00:04:33,922
They dress up in costumes,
and they go around
asking for candy.
87
00:04:33,990 --> 00:04:35,790
How do you not know
about trick-or-treating?
88
00:04:35,859 --> 00:04:38,605
Well, how do you not know
that your reflection
in the patio door
89
00:04:38,629 --> 00:04:39,739
isn't another dog?
90
00:04:39,763 --> 00:04:41,930
Hey! That guy
is a dick.
91
00:04:43,466 --> 00:04:45,400
Hey, get out of here!
This is my house!
92
00:04:46,754 --> 00:04:48,153
Oh, my God, Brian.
What happened?
93
00:04:48,221 --> 00:04:49,655
Who did this to you?
94
00:04:49,723 --> 00:04:51,990
Did you do this?
You son of a bitch!
95
00:04:58,198 --> 00:04:59,464
Okay, see you later, Mom.
96
00:04:59,533 --> 00:05:01,533
Where are you off to, sweetie?
97
00:05:01,602 --> 00:05:03,368
You gonna go see
three movies in a row
98
00:05:03,437 --> 00:05:05,303
so it seems like
you're out doing something?
99
00:05:05,372 --> 00:05:08,990
No, Mom. I'm going to
my first big high school
Halloween party.
100
00:05:09,059 --> 00:05:11,543
That's nice.
What are you dressed as?
101
00:05:11,611 --> 00:05:13,161
I'm a slutty cat.
102
00:05:13,229 --> 00:05:15,830
(SCOFFS) Why has that
become what Halloween is
for girls today?
103
00:05:15,899 --> 00:05:17,732
It's just an excuse
to dress slutty.
104
00:05:17,801 --> 00:05:20,035
"I'm a slutty nurse,"
"I'm a slutty pirate,"
105
00:05:20,103 --> 00:05:22,837
""I'm a slutty
cancer survivor."
106
00:05:22,906 --> 00:05:26,074
Who wants to check my boobs
for lumps, bitches?
107
00:05:26,143 --> 00:05:27,675
(ALL LAUGHING)
108
00:05:27,744 --> 00:05:30,261
I'll be back late.
Don't wait up.
109
00:05:31,414 --> 00:05:33,547
Quack, quack.
110
00:05:33,616 --> 00:05:37,869
Oh! My little ducky.
You look so adorable.
111
00:05:37,937 --> 00:05:39,565
Oh, no, no.
You see these holes?
112
00:05:39,589 --> 00:05:42,523
I got bit by a vampire.
I'm a vampire duck.
113
00:05:42,592 --> 00:05:45,226
But I'm a modern vampire duck
who hangs around
with Anna Paquin
114
00:05:45,295 --> 00:05:46,989
and drives around
in a black Mercedes.
115
00:05:47,013 --> 00:05:48,107
What is that?
116
00:05:48,131 --> 00:05:49,164
It's True Blood.
117
00:05:49,232 --> 00:05:50,843
Yeah, no one knows what that is.
118
00:05:50,867 --> 00:05:52,567
Rich gay people do.
119
00:05:58,742 --> 00:06:01,743
Brian, are you sure
none of these
are real monsters?
120
00:06:01,812 --> 00:06:02,955
Stewie, it's gonna be fine.
121
00:06:02,979 --> 00:06:04,374
Look, here's our first house.
122
00:06:04,398 --> 00:06:05,713
There you go.
123
00:06:05,782 --> 00:06:09,667
A Cornish game hen for you,
a Cornish game hen for you.
124
00:06:09,736 --> 00:06:12,014
Everybody gets a hen.
125
00:06:12,038 --> 00:06:13,750
Would you like some gravy?
126
00:06:13,774 --> 00:06:16,324
Sure you'd like some gravy.
127
00:06:19,029 --> 00:06:20,340
How about that house there?
128
00:06:20,364 --> 00:06:22,564
No, that house is no good,
Michael Cera lives there.
129
00:06:22,633 --> 00:06:24,966
He's just handing out
low energy one-liners.
130
00:06:25,035 --> 00:06:27,352
Nice costume.
(MUMBLING)
131
00:06:27,420 --> 00:06:29,701
I haven't put mine on.
132
00:06:30,690 --> 00:06:32,724
Not really.
133
00:06:32,793 --> 00:06:34,575
This is my costume.
134
00:06:36,546 --> 00:06:38,146
Whoa, nice place!
135
00:06:38,214 --> 00:06:40,815
Yeah, former
heavyweight champion,
Floyd Weatherton, lives here.
136
00:06:41,952 --> 00:06:43,417
(DOORBELL CHIMES)
137
00:06:44,104 --> 00:06:45,203
Trick or treat!
138
00:06:45,272 --> 00:06:47,150
Well, the thing about Halloween
139
00:06:47,174 --> 00:06:50,942
is that the candy corn
is not particularly,
unusually,
140
00:06:51,010 --> 00:06:54,057
the cause of
the determinate factor
of timeless tradition,
141
00:06:54,081 --> 00:06:56,647
is in contrast
to the turkey day.
142
00:06:57,584 --> 00:06:58,850
Gesundheit.
143
00:07:01,788 --> 00:07:04,684
Oh, my God,
Brian, you were right.
Halloween is the best.
144
00:07:04,708 --> 00:07:07,659
Look how much candy I have.
Where should we go next?
145
00:07:07,728 --> 00:07:09,094
Look, there's Mort's house.
146
00:07:09,162 --> 00:07:11,674
But I hope he doesn't have
some gross
Jewish candy, like...
147
00:07:11,698 --> 00:07:16,001
Like rugelach or hamentashen
or hachahachahacha.
148
00:07:16,069 --> 00:07:18,319
Right, Brian? Brian?
149
00:07:18,388 --> 00:07:19,537
Brian, where are you?
150
00:07:22,643 --> 00:07:24,671
Hey, kid, nice costume.
151
00:07:24,695 --> 00:07:26,861
Really? Oh, my God,
thank you so much.
152
00:07:26,930 --> 00:07:28,223
My mother bought it for me,
153
00:07:28,247 --> 00:07:29,892
and I was worried it
might be a tad banal,
154
00:07:29,916 --> 00:07:32,433
but if you big kids like it,
then it must be pretty cool.
155
00:07:32,502 --> 00:07:34,869
That's a nice bag
of candy you've got.
156
00:07:34,938 --> 00:07:37,522
Oh, thank you. You know,
it's actually a pillowcase.
157
00:07:37,590 --> 00:07:39,569
They're sort of thrifty
around my house, you know.
158
00:07:39,593 --> 00:07:40,942
Well, now it's ours.
159
00:07:41,011 --> 00:07:43,027
Uh, well, no.
But how about this?
160
00:07:43,096 --> 00:07:45,664
You can have
the apple and the raisins
161
00:07:45,732 --> 00:07:48,099
and the cheese and crackers
with the little red stick.
162
00:07:48,168 --> 00:07:50,488
I don't...
I don't know how
that's candy, but...
163
00:07:51,388 --> 00:07:52,771
Thanks, duck boy.
164
00:07:52,839 --> 00:07:53,921
(ALL LAUGHING)
165
00:07:58,712 --> 00:08:00,940
Hey, get back here!
Hey, that's my candy!
166
00:08:00,964 --> 00:08:03,348
Damn you, that's my candy!
167
00:08:03,417 --> 00:08:06,084
How could this day
get any worse?
168
00:08:08,622 --> 00:08:09,721
(EXCLAIMS)
169
00:08:15,929 --> 00:08:18,396
Brian! Brian,
help me! Brian!
170
00:08:18,465 --> 00:08:19,465
Hey, there you are.
171
00:08:19,516 --> 00:08:21,182
Brian, where were you?
172
00:08:21,251 --> 00:08:24,185
Well, that jerk dog
from our patio door
somehow got inside a hubcap.
173
00:08:24,254 --> 00:08:25,965
I just wanted to alert
the owner of the car.
174
00:08:25,989 --> 00:08:27,233
I left a note on his windshield.
175
00:08:27,257 --> 00:08:28,389
What is wrong with you?
176
00:08:28,458 --> 00:08:29,658
You abandoned me!
177
00:08:29,709 --> 00:08:31,988
And some
larger children
took my candy.
178
00:08:32,012 --> 00:08:33,628
All right, look, just calm down.
179
00:08:33,696 --> 00:08:35,456
It's still early.
We'll get you more candy.
180
00:08:39,736 --> 00:08:41,214
Brian, this isn't working.
181
00:08:41,238 --> 00:08:42,748
What do you want
me to do, Stewie?
It's late.
182
00:08:42,772 --> 00:08:44,283
Everybody's stopped
giving out candy.
183
00:08:44,307 --> 00:08:46,285
Well, then let's get
my candy back, Brian.
184
00:08:46,309 --> 00:08:48,821
Let's track down the punks
who stole it
and make them pay.
185
00:08:48,845 --> 00:08:49,939
Look, Stewie,
I don't think that...
186
00:08:49,963 --> 00:08:51,313
Brian, please.
187
00:08:51,398 --> 00:08:54,265
This is my
first Halloween, and...
And it's ruined.
188
00:08:54,333 --> 00:08:56,095
All right, all right, fine.
We'll look for them.
189
00:08:56,119 --> 00:08:57,652
Good, because so far,
190
00:08:57,720 --> 00:09:00,388
Halloween's a bigger letdown
than being a Mets fan.
191
00:09:00,457 --> 00:09:03,274
ANNOUNCER: Opening day,
and here's the first pitch.
192
00:09:03,343 --> 00:09:05,410
And the season's over.
193
00:09:09,466 --> 00:09:11,499
You were a good sport
this year, Quagmire.
194
00:09:11,585 --> 00:09:13,935
Well, you know, Peter,
it's all in good fun, right?
195
00:09:14,004 --> 00:09:16,215
You know, my grandfather
used to have a saying...
196
00:09:16,239 --> 00:09:18,739
(SPEAKING JAPANESE)
197
00:09:22,345 --> 00:09:24,012
Holy crap, you speak Ebonics?
198
00:09:24,080 --> 00:09:25,791
No, no, Peter, it's Japanese.
199
00:09:25,815 --> 00:09:30,852
Wait, are they
the angry eye ones
or the tired eye ones?
200
00:09:30,920 --> 00:09:34,555
I'm not sure I...
The first one, I guess.
I... I don't know.
201
00:09:34,624 --> 00:09:37,086
My grandfather
on my mom's side
was Japanese.
202
00:09:37,110 --> 00:09:39,310
Wait a minute, you're...
You're part Japanese?
203
00:09:39,378 --> 00:09:41,290
Sure am.
My grandfather
was a pilot
204
00:09:41,314 --> 00:09:43,615
for the Imperial Air Force
during World War II.
205
00:09:43,683 --> 00:09:45,962
Flew a kamikaze mission
in the Battle of Midway.
206
00:09:45,986 --> 00:09:47,897
He's part of
the reason
I became a pilot.
207
00:09:47,921 --> 00:09:49,921
Wow. How come
I never met him?
208
00:09:49,990 --> 00:09:51,456
He was a kamikaze pilot.
209
00:09:51,524 --> 00:09:53,168
Yeah, no, I heard you,
he was a Karma Chameleon,
210
00:09:53,192 --> 00:09:54,759
but how come I never met him?
211
00:09:54,828 --> 00:09:56,121
Because he died, Peter.
212
00:09:56,145 --> 00:09:58,463
Oh, my God, when?
And how?
213
00:10:01,852 --> 00:10:03,212
Hey, Joe, what are you doing?
214
00:10:03,236 --> 00:10:04,730
I thought we were gonna go
to The Clam and get wasted.
215
00:10:04,754 --> 00:10:06,771
Ugh. I can't.
I'm on duty tonight.
216
00:10:06,840 --> 00:10:09,540
And Halloween's
got to be the worst night
of the year to be a cop.
217
00:10:09,609 --> 00:10:13,111
All you do is drive around,
confiscate beer
from teenagers
218
00:10:13,179 --> 00:10:16,447
and occasionally handcuff
a drunk woman
in a sexy costume.
219
00:10:16,516 --> 00:10:18,678
Oh, cool!
Hey, I got
a great idea.
220
00:10:18,702 --> 00:10:20,012
How about
we ride around
with you
221
00:10:20,036 --> 00:10:21,581
and steal beer from teenagers?
222
00:10:21,605 --> 00:10:23,188
I don't know, you guys.
223
00:10:23,256 --> 00:10:24,755
This is my job,
224
00:10:24,825 --> 00:10:26,302
and I can't have you
fooling around,
getting into trouble.
225
00:10:26,326 --> 00:10:28,354
Hey, when the hell
do I get into trouble?
226
00:10:28,378 --> 00:10:31,195
Well, didn't you get lost
in the grocery store
last week?
227
00:10:31,264 --> 00:10:33,948
(CRYING LOUDLY)
228
00:10:36,119 --> 00:10:37,952
Are you okay?
No!
229
00:10:38,021 --> 00:10:41,489
I came in with my wife
and now I can't find her!
230
00:10:41,558 --> 00:10:45,176
I'm sure she's here
somewhere. Come on,
I'll help you find her.
231
00:10:45,245 --> 00:10:47,078
Okay.
232
00:10:47,130 --> 00:10:49,964
Will Lois Griffin please
come to the courtesy booth?
233
00:10:50,032 --> 00:10:51,743
We have a little gift for you.
234
00:10:51,767 --> 00:10:53,351
(SNICKERING)
235
00:10:53,420 --> 00:10:55,770
I'm Lois... Oh,
for God's sakes, Peter.
236
00:10:55,839 --> 00:10:57,338
Yay, Lois!
237
00:11:01,028 --> 00:11:04,279
This is so cool.
Our first high school
Halloween party.
238
00:11:04,347 --> 00:11:05,642
Do you think
we'll get to
make out?
239
00:11:05,666 --> 00:11:08,182
These things always end up
in make-out sessions.
240
00:11:08,251 --> 00:11:09,846
Hey, you know what, you guys?
241
00:11:09,870 --> 00:11:11,848
My cousin went to
a Halloween party
and made out with a guy,
242
00:11:11,872 --> 00:11:12,904
and she's hideous.
243
00:11:12,973 --> 00:11:14,350
I mean, really hideous.
244
00:11:14,374 --> 00:11:16,675
Like Egon Schiele's
expressionistic period.
245
00:11:16,743 --> 00:11:18,187
Well, what did you expect?
246
00:11:18,211 --> 00:11:20,156
He was a protege
of Gustav Klimt.
247
00:11:20,180 --> 00:11:22,613
Yes, but Klimt
was more focused
on symbolism
248
00:11:22,683 --> 00:11:23,848
and heightened emotion
249
00:11:23,917 --> 00:11:25,662
whereas Schiele
was purposely vulgar
250
00:11:25,686 --> 00:11:26,896
in order to
de-mystify
the human form.
251
00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:28,386
Good point.
252
00:11:28,455 --> 00:11:30,849
Am I the only one
who wants to
wet some knuckle tonight?
253
00:11:30,873 --> 00:11:32,634
Yeah. How'd
your cousin do it?
254
00:11:32,658 --> 00:11:34,436
She wore a mask.
Don't you get it?
255
00:11:34,460 --> 00:11:37,461
If we wear our masks
and we don't take them off
for the whole party,
256
00:11:37,530 --> 00:11:38,908
the boys won't know who we are,
257
00:11:38,932 --> 00:11:40,676
and we'll have
a better chance
of hooking up.
258
00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:41,733
Good idea!
259
00:11:41,801 --> 00:11:43,046
We are so gonna hook up!
260
00:11:43,070 --> 00:11:44,070
I think we look hot.
261
00:11:44,121 --> 00:11:45,121
Totally hot.
262
00:11:45,188 --> 00:11:46,637
Ugly bitches!
263
00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:48,005
(QUAGMIRE MOOING)
264
00:11:50,443 --> 00:11:51,920
JOE: So, what's the story,
Quagmire?
265
00:11:51,944 --> 00:11:55,012
Do you observe
any particular
Japanese customs?
266
00:11:55,081 --> 00:11:57,326
QUAGMIRE: Oh, yeah,
I'm very in touch
with my Asian roots.
267
00:11:57,350 --> 00:11:59,595
You notice
I take my shoes off
whenever I enter my house.
268
00:11:59,619 --> 00:12:00,885
PETER: Oh, yeah.
269
00:12:00,953 --> 00:12:02,987
I do five hours
of math homework
every night
270
00:12:03,055 --> 00:12:04,132
even though
I'm no longer in school.
271
00:12:04,156 --> 00:12:05,189
(JOE EXCLAIMS)
272
00:12:05,258 --> 00:12:07,392
Sometimes I drink
out of a wooden box.
273
00:12:07,460 --> 00:12:08,826
Ah, very Asian.
274
00:12:08,895 --> 00:12:11,763
I was a very cute baby
and now
I'm a joyless adult.
275
00:12:11,831 --> 00:12:13,414
They are unhappy.
276
00:12:13,482 --> 00:12:14,860
DISPATCH: All units,we've gota domestic disturbance
277
00:12:14,884 --> 00:12:16,317
at Fifth and Maple.
278
00:12:16,403 --> 00:12:19,487
This is Officer Swanson
responding, I'm on my way.
279
00:12:19,556 --> 00:12:21,005
All right, you guys,
280
00:12:21,074 --> 00:12:23,152
these domestic
dispute situations
can get pretty dicey,
281
00:12:23,176 --> 00:12:26,510
so I need you to
stay in the car, okay?
No joking around.
282
00:12:28,148 --> 00:12:29,564
All right, sir, sir, ma'am.
283
00:12:29,633 --> 00:12:32,567
I just need you to tell me
clearly and calmly
what happened.
284
00:12:32,636 --> 00:12:33,918
One at a time, please.
285
00:12:33,987 --> 00:12:35,063
The whore gets
her stubby fingers...
286
00:12:35,087 --> 00:12:36,164
He puts cigars in his mouth...
287
00:12:36,188 --> 00:12:37,266
in my wallet!
Larceny!
288
00:12:37,290 --> 00:12:38,401
And he becomes
a different person!
289
00:12:38,425 --> 00:12:40,191
PETER: No freakin' way.
290
00:12:40,260 --> 00:12:42,154
Guys, I told you
to wait in the car.
291
00:12:42,178 --> 00:12:44,712
Domestic abuse
is a very delicate matter.
292
00:12:44,798 --> 00:12:47,748
Joe, this isn't
domestic abuse,
this is hilarious.
293
00:12:47,817 --> 00:12:51,147
And another thing...
I'm tired of massaging
your foot knuckles!
294
00:12:51,171 --> 00:12:54,038
You call that a massage,
with your
baby carrot fingers?
295
00:12:54,107 --> 00:12:55,184
Go to hell!
296
00:12:55,208 --> 00:12:56,524
Come here!
Get over here!
297
00:12:56,593 --> 00:12:58,604
Stay away from me!
You keep him
away from me!
298
00:12:58,628 --> 00:12:59,928
Why, you little...
299
00:12:59,996 --> 00:13:01,629
(BOTH YELLING)
300
00:13:02,699 --> 00:13:03,765
Get over here!
301
00:13:03,833 --> 00:13:05,043
I'm gonna jump over
you and I'm gonna...
302
00:13:05,067 --> 00:13:06,617
Come back here!
303
00:13:06,686 --> 00:13:09,081
All right,
that's enough, you two.
This is serious. Stop it.
304
00:13:09,105 --> 00:13:11,105
(YELLING CONTINUES)
305
00:13:11,173 --> 00:13:14,125
Quick, Quagmire,
give me your iPod.
306
00:13:14,193 --> 00:13:15,343
(CARNIVAL MUSIC PLAYING)
307
00:13:15,411 --> 00:13:16,727
WOMAN: I swear to God!
308
00:13:18,965 --> 00:13:21,005
You keep him away from me!
309
00:13:23,503 --> 00:13:24,752
JOE: Got 'em.
310
00:13:25,922 --> 00:13:27,433
Aw, they got tuckered out.
311
00:13:27,457 --> 00:13:29,757
Of course they did,
they ran, like,
two miles for them.
312
00:13:34,563 --> 00:13:37,448
Okay, there they are,
Brian. And they've
still got my candy.
313
00:13:37,517 --> 00:13:40,018
You distract them,
and I'll run up
from behind and grab it.
314
00:13:40,086 --> 00:13:41,197
Stewie, don't be ridiculous.
315
00:13:41,221 --> 00:13:43,065
They're kids, and I'm an adult.
316
00:13:43,089 --> 00:13:44,267
I'll just go over there
317
00:13:44,291 --> 00:13:46,531
and calmly ask them
to give back the candy.
318
00:13:47,543 --> 00:13:48,575
Hi, fellas.
319
00:13:48,644 --> 00:13:50,189
Hey, look, it's Snoopy.
320
00:13:50,213 --> 00:13:52,341
Hey, Snoopy, where's Woodstock?
321
00:13:52,365 --> 00:13:54,148
Ah, that's...
That's a good one.
322
00:13:54,217 --> 00:13:56,684
Listen, my friend,
Stewie, he's just a baby,
323
00:13:56,752 --> 00:13:58,586
and you guys
took his candy earlier.
324
00:13:58,654 --> 00:14:00,099
What do you say you
just give it back,
325
00:14:00,123 --> 00:14:01,784
and we all forget
this ever happened?
326
00:14:01,808 --> 00:14:03,008
Sure, why not?
327
00:14:03,059 --> 00:14:04,936
Your friend's candy
is right around the corner.
328
00:14:04,960 --> 00:14:06,777
All right.
Terrific.
329
00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:11,583
(THUMPING)
330
00:14:11,651 --> 00:14:12,761
BRIAN: Hey, hey,
what are you doing?
331
00:14:12,785 --> 00:14:14,397
Stop it! Hey, let me go!
(SPRAYING NOISE)
332
00:14:14,421 --> 00:14:16,153
No! No! (SCREAMS)
333
00:14:18,241 --> 00:14:22,192
Oh, my God, you look so cute.
What is that, spray paint?
334
00:14:22,261 --> 00:14:25,324
Yeah. Those little
punks want a war.
And now they've got one.
335
00:14:25,348 --> 00:14:27,848
Hey, here's someone
who might understand
how you feel.
336
00:14:30,103 --> 00:14:32,703
Hey, how you doing?
First day being pink?
337
00:14:32,772 --> 00:14:33,804
Yeah.
338
00:14:33,873 --> 00:14:35,540
Welcome to hell.
339
00:14:45,885 --> 00:14:47,713
All right, Brian,
we're getting
my candy back,
340
00:14:47,737 --> 00:14:49,269
and here's how
it's gonna go down.
341
00:14:49,338 --> 00:14:52,072
First, we track down
those teenage hoodlums
and kill them all.
342
00:14:52,141 --> 00:14:54,219
Yeah, okay, fine,
let's kill 'em.
343
00:14:54,243 --> 00:14:56,410
Really? No way.
344
00:14:56,479 --> 00:14:59,646
No, I was only
half serious.
We can't do that.
345
00:14:59,715 --> 00:15:02,883
Oh, my God...
Pink Brian
is crazy Brian.
346
00:15:02,952 --> 00:15:04,535
Oh, man.
347
00:15:04,603 --> 00:15:07,416
I know, I know we can't.
I just feel bad
they stole your candy.
348
00:15:07,440 --> 00:15:08,760
Well, now I know how Peter feels
349
00:15:08,808 --> 00:15:10,441
when Mort steals his paper.
350
00:15:14,414 --> 00:15:17,114
Come on,
that's right,
you bastard.
351
00:15:19,052 --> 00:15:20,052
Stop right there!
352
00:15:22,422 --> 00:15:23,454
Give me the paper!
353
00:15:23,523 --> 00:15:26,235
No! No!
Don't hurt me,
you bastard.
354
00:15:26,259 --> 00:15:27,691
Mort, give me the paper.
355
00:15:27,761 --> 00:15:29,404
No, I'm reading it in here.
356
00:15:29,428 --> 00:15:33,464
You can have
the real estate section.
It's for schmucks, anyway.
357
00:15:36,102 --> 00:15:38,018
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
358
00:15:40,289 --> 00:15:42,017
Okay, your turn
to spin the bottle,
359
00:15:42,041 --> 00:15:44,008
guy dressed like Bill Clinton.
360
00:15:44,077 --> 00:15:46,143
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
Yeah, dressed like.
361
00:15:51,701 --> 00:15:54,819
All right, let's go
make some Whitewater.
362
00:15:59,692 --> 00:16:02,359
Okay, slutty cat,
you're up next.
363
00:16:02,412 --> 00:16:05,830
Oh, my God,
this is totally working.
Nobody knows who we are.
364
00:16:11,504 --> 00:16:15,672
All right.
Slutty cat and Optimus Prime.
Into the closet.
365
00:16:15,741 --> 00:16:17,792
(ALL GIGGLING)
366
00:16:17,877 --> 00:16:20,961
Oh, my God,
you're gonna hook up.
With a boy.
367
00:16:21,047 --> 00:16:23,114
I know.
I can't believe it.
368
00:16:23,182 --> 00:16:25,816
Oh, I feel as pretty
as Scarlett Johansson.
369
00:16:25,885 --> 00:16:26,934
(CAMERAS CLICKING)
370
00:16:27,003 --> 00:16:28,346
PHOTOGRAPHERS: Scarlett!
Scarlett Johansson!
371
00:16:28,370 --> 00:16:30,015
MAN 1: Scarlett, over here!
WOMAN: Scarlett Johansson!
372
00:16:30,039 --> 00:16:31,719
Scarlett!
Scarlett!
373
00:16:32,792 --> 00:16:34,425
MAN 2: Laura Linney.
374
00:16:35,895 --> 00:16:38,015
(CAMERA CLICKS)
Whoops.
375
00:16:39,332 --> 00:16:43,484
Come on, you guys.
It's been well
over seven minutes.
376
00:16:43,553 --> 00:16:46,771
Let's go.
Other people want
to use the closet.
377
00:16:47,890 --> 00:16:49,707
You guys...
(ALL GASPING)
378
00:16:49,775 --> 00:16:52,310
Oh, my God.
379
00:16:56,983 --> 00:16:58,031
Chris?
380
00:16:58,100 --> 00:16:59,216
Meg?
381
00:16:59,285 --> 00:17:01,936
(BOTH SCREAMING)
382
00:17:02,004 --> 00:17:04,071
Oh, my God,
what are you
doing here?
383
00:17:04,139 --> 00:17:05,684
Trying to grab some boob!
384
00:17:05,708 --> 00:17:06,974
From your sister?
385
00:17:07,042 --> 00:17:08,487
I didn't know it was you!
386
00:17:08,511 --> 00:17:10,060
Well, who did you think it was?
387
00:17:10,113 --> 00:17:11,757
Some bitch!
Who cares?
388
00:17:11,781 --> 00:17:12,864
(GAGGING)
389
00:17:12,932 --> 00:17:14,799
Oh, my God!
390
00:17:14,868 --> 00:17:16,133
We did so much!
391
00:17:16,202 --> 00:17:17,996
Shut up! Shut up!
Shut up!
392
00:17:18,020 --> 00:17:22,056
We're disgusting!
We're a disgrace
to our family!
393
00:17:22,125 --> 00:17:24,775
Oh! Maybe
I can get in on this.
394
00:17:30,566 --> 00:17:33,767
It's good to
finally be off duty.
395
00:17:33,836 --> 00:17:36,081
Wow, I never knew
about this place,
Quagmire.
396
00:17:36,105 --> 00:17:38,316
Yeah, this is
the Air Force
graveyard,
397
00:17:38,340 --> 00:17:40,786
where old
military planes
come to die.
398
00:17:40,810 --> 00:17:42,204
That one over there
is my favorite.
399
00:17:42,228 --> 00:17:44,311
It's an old Japanese Zero.
400
00:17:44,380 --> 00:17:46,875
Wow, no calories
and all that
Japanese taste?
401
00:17:46,899 --> 00:17:49,278
That's the kind of plane
my grandfather
used to fly in the war.
402
00:17:49,302 --> 00:17:50,382
Cool.
403
00:17:53,089 --> 00:17:55,969
Man, this thing looks like
it still might be
in working order.
404
00:18:02,081 --> 00:18:03,425
You guys want to go for a ride?
405
00:18:03,449 --> 00:18:04,965
Sure.
Hell, yeah.
406
00:18:07,469 --> 00:18:10,905
Wow, I always thought
the Japanese
flew flying saucers.
407
00:18:34,147 --> 00:18:35,579
All right, there they are.
408
00:18:35,648 --> 00:18:39,066
All right, boys,
it's candy time.
Let's dig in.
409
00:18:45,575 --> 00:18:48,576
Okay, Brian,
let's do this.
Give me a boost.
410
00:18:53,366 --> 00:18:54,415
STEWIE: Hello.
411
00:18:56,803 --> 00:18:59,014
Hey, it's that stupid kid.
412
00:18:59,038 --> 00:19:00,855
Yes, it's that stupid kid.
413
00:19:00,923 --> 00:19:03,923
Now, listen very closely
'cause here's how
it's gonna go down.
414
00:19:10,934 --> 00:19:13,401
(ROARING)
415
00:19:17,039 --> 00:19:19,206
(SOLDIERS CHEERING)
416
00:19:19,275 --> 00:19:21,091
Guys, guys, guys,
417
00:19:21,160 --> 00:19:24,328
I don't want to
toot my own horn here,
but I think that was me.
418
00:19:27,316 --> 00:19:28,366
(EXCLAIMS)
419
00:19:30,486 --> 00:19:33,904
Well, there's only
one thing to do now.
Go to plan B.
420
00:19:33,972 --> 00:19:36,557
Mom!
421
00:19:38,777 --> 00:19:43,247
I am so sorry, Mrs. Griffin.
I have no idea
what got into my son.
422
00:19:43,315 --> 00:19:46,267
Well, just have
him return the candy
and everything's fine.
423
00:19:46,335 --> 00:19:50,370
Justin, you give
this young man
his candy back right now.
424
00:19:51,306 --> 00:19:52,773
All right. Here.
425
00:19:54,176 --> 00:19:55,242
Thanks.
426
00:19:55,311 --> 00:19:57,194
Now we want Justin's candy.
427
00:19:57,263 --> 00:19:58,996
What?
You heard me.
428
00:19:59,064 --> 00:20:01,432
Take Justin's bag of candy
and pour it into Stewie's.
429
00:20:01,501 --> 00:20:02,566
All of it.
430
00:20:02,635 --> 00:20:04,179
And if I think
you're holding back on me,
431
00:20:04,203 --> 00:20:05,952
we're gonna have
a serious problem.
432
00:20:06,021 --> 00:20:08,489
Well, all right.
That's what
I'm talking about.
433
00:20:08,557 --> 00:20:09,957
Yeah, serious problem.
434
00:20:12,645 --> 00:20:15,963
Good. Now, go in your purse,
take out $40
and put it in the bag.
435
00:20:16,049 --> 00:20:18,410
All right, Lois,
you're kind of
scaring me now.
436
00:20:18,434 --> 00:20:20,751
I... I don't have $40.
437
00:20:20,803 --> 00:20:22,602
All right, I understand.
438
00:20:22,672 --> 00:20:25,506
I'll be back tomorrow
for the $80.
439
00:20:25,574 --> 00:20:27,214
And I'm taking your welcome mat.
440
00:20:37,103 --> 00:20:40,154
Whoa,
Quahog looks beautiful
from up here.
441
00:20:40,240 --> 00:20:42,267
Yeah, this thing
handles pretty smooth,
doesn't it?
442
00:20:42,291 --> 00:20:43,658
Feels right.
443
00:20:43,726 --> 00:20:46,460
Feels kind of like something
I was meant to fly, you know.
444
00:20:46,528 --> 00:20:47,945
Hey, there's Quahog Harbor.
445
00:20:50,199 --> 00:20:52,249
Look at all those
old naval vessels.
446
00:20:52,317 --> 00:20:54,201
Yeah, look at 'em all.
447
00:20:57,373 --> 00:20:59,384
Whoa, whoa, easy, Quagmire.
What are you doing?
448
00:20:59,408 --> 00:21:00,585
I don't know, Peter.
449
00:21:00,609 --> 00:21:03,210
It's like something
just awakened inside me.
450
00:21:03,279 --> 00:21:06,913
I can feel my grandfather's
Japanese blood
coursing through my veins.
451
00:21:12,254 --> 00:21:14,016
Quagmire, what the hell's
the matter with you?
452
00:21:14,040 --> 00:21:16,120
What are you, nuts?
Shut up, round-eye!
453
00:21:18,878 --> 00:21:21,429
Oh, my God! Stop, Quagmire!
I don't want to die.
454
00:21:21,497 --> 00:21:22,896
Please don't kill us!
455
00:21:22,965 --> 00:21:27,851
(SPEAKING JAPANESE)
456
00:21:29,722 --> 00:21:30,755
Oh, God!
457
00:21:30,823 --> 00:21:31,855
No!
458
00:21:34,643 --> 00:21:36,577
(BOTH SCREAMING)
459
00:21:36,645 --> 00:21:38,240
You know what they call this
in my country?
460
00:21:38,264 --> 00:21:39,264
What?
461
00:21:39,331 --> 00:21:40,381
Payback!
462
00:21:48,607 --> 00:21:49,857
(BOTH PANTING)
463
00:21:49,925 --> 00:21:51,320
What the hell was that?
464
00:21:51,344 --> 00:21:54,211
Prank's on you, assholes!
I'm not Japanese.
465
00:21:54,263 --> 00:21:55,658
You're not?
No.
466
00:21:55,682 --> 00:21:58,944
That was for making me
have sex with Joe,
you sons of bitches.
467
00:21:58,968 --> 00:22:00,629
You guys actually had sex?
468
00:22:00,653 --> 00:22:03,270
Yeah, I kind of went
rogue with that one.
469
00:22:07,910 --> 00:22:10,427
Brian, you took me out
on my first
Halloween tonight,
470
00:22:10,496 --> 00:22:12,429
and you showed me
an exciting time.
471
00:22:12,498 --> 00:22:13,897
And for that,
472
00:22:13,966 --> 00:22:15,010
I'm going to
let you pick out
some candy from my bag.
473
00:22:15,034 --> 00:22:16,216
Thanks.
474
00:22:16,285 --> 00:22:18,513
And keep in mind,
we can't use
any actual brand names
475
00:22:18,537 --> 00:22:20,220
due to advertising concerns.
476
00:22:20,289 --> 00:22:23,234
Right, okay,
I'll have
a Mr. Whip-o Bar,
477
00:22:23,258 --> 00:22:26,226
a Kooky Nut Pop,
some Jim 'n M's,
478
00:22:26,295 --> 00:22:29,045
a Zip Zap, a Choco Buddy,
479
00:22:29,582 --> 00:22:31,715
a $64,000 Bar,
480
00:22:31,784 --> 00:22:35,051
a Notafinger
and a Dawkin's
Peanut Butter Disc.
481
00:22:35,120 --> 00:22:36,604
God, I hate television.
482
00:22:38,257 --> 00:22:40,090
Brian, why are you pink?
483
00:22:40,159 --> 00:22:43,527
(SNIFFS) Why do you and Meg
smell like sweat and shame?
484
00:22:43,596 --> 00:22:47,681
Uh, well...
You see... We...
485
00:22:47,750 --> 00:22:49,227
You know what?
I don't care.
486
00:22:49,251 --> 00:22:50,995
I hooked up
with a chick tonight,
487
00:22:51,019 --> 00:22:53,765
and I am
pretty darn proud
of myself.
488
00:22:53,789 --> 00:22:55,155
You're right, Chris.
489
00:22:55,223 --> 00:22:58,191
I hooked up
with a guy tonight,
a high school guy,
490
00:22:58,260 --> 00:23:00,794
and I think maybe
he'll call tomorrow.
491
00:23:00,863 --> 00:23:03,144
You may be disappointed.
492
00:23:39,652 --> 00:23:40,732
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