Original subtitles

Crime at the Chinese Restaurant

Hey, Castrato. - What is it?

For the chick I would spit out at least 30,000.

I would certainly go even higher.

Then I'll bid 50,000.

10,000 because it's you.

Have you heard how cheap the state ladies are, Gasparotto?

Do you want to trade or pay now?

I'm leaving soon, I just...

You are in a no-parking zone

and obstruct all traffic.

No, no, I'm leaving right now.

I am just waiting here for the owner of the Chinese restaurant,

Chang Tse Piao. I have to drive him to the airport.

I'll be off in a minute. - I got it,

but hurry up a little.

Thank you very much...

Mr Piao,

we must hurry. There's a meter maid outside,

trying to give us a ticket.

Yeah, yeah, just don't rush it. We're leaving soon.

Before I do, I just want talk to Vincenzo.

He wants our old cook into retirement.

Why does he want to fire him so badly?

He has probably become too old for him.

You know the Chinese saying:

What good is a good cook if his hands are shaking?

Get it?

Took a little longer, but I've prepared a little farewell ceremony

with the staff. - A propos staff,

that reminds me: a certain Cit: Ci Ciao is waiting for us at the airport,

He's from Hong Kong. - Mhm.

He's uh... our new assistant cook.

He's been warmly recommended to us.

From the Chinese Embassy. - Ah.

The boy is sleeping with you, so make up a bed for him, understand?

Ciu Ci Ciao? - Yes.

When will you be back from China?

Ah, in a few weeks, I think.

I have important business to do.

And I also have to find a good cook who can replace Ju Li Tang.

Wait a sec, - I entrust the restaurant to you, Vincenzo.

You surely know how much Tai Thung means to me.

Please wait! The staff wants to say goodbye to you.

Come on out, kids. Come on out and show your banners.

Here, you take one too.

Tamu, Tamu, Tamu...

I am deeply touched.

Honestly.

Let's go.

Off we go.

Thank you.

Don't you worry.

I'll manage everything perfectly.

Now you are the boss. - Of course I am.

It's your responsibility... - All right.

To make sure that the shop runs well. - Understood.

I count on you. - I will do my duty.

And take special care of this Cil'i Ci Ciao.

I want the man to feel at home with us.

I will take care of everything. You can rely on me completely.

I'm just wondering, how the ambassador knows the man.

Well...

That's it. - Have a good trip.

Goodbye!

Are you Mr cm Ci Ciao?

Yes, sir. - Follow me to the Foreigners' Office.

Oh no, I'm afraid that's impossible.

I am expecting my superior, Mr Chang Tse Piao.

I'm sorry, but we have our rules.

Ah, I see. Where is this foreigner thing?

Yes? Right over there?

Can you hold it that long?

So the supervisor can see that I have already arrived.

Look, I don't have that much time.

Ah, just be patient.

The greatest virtue of a wise man is to be patient.

Listen to me.

The questionnaire should be filled out in Italian,

not Chinese!

But I can't write well in Italian, Director.

But you can speak in Italian.

That's why Mr. Ambassador sends me

briefly in the... uh... Via Luculla 23,

so I can learn.

Listen. - Mi hang Ii...

in banca.

If you do not have enough time

then simply take a quick course.

It sounds like this. Listen.

All right, all right.

I'd like to know: What is the reason for your stay here in Italy?

I will cook here, Mr. Director.

Undeclared work? - No, yellow work. You know what I mean?

Me yellow.

Neither white nor black. Me yellow. Yellow work, understand?

Whatever.

But I ask you to be careful

not to violate the laws of our country,

otherwise your Residence permit will immediately be withdrawn,

and you will be deported to Hong Kong on the next available flight.

Ah, me respect the laws, Mr. Director.

No, no. It's "I" respect the laws. Not "me".

Yes, of course you do.

'I' like in 'eye'.

What the heck are you talking about, man?

There is no 'I' in 'eye...

One eye, two eyes: no 1“, see?

How can you see when you have no eyes?

And don't insult me. I don't even wear any glasses.

Mr. Director Inspector.

Let's not do this. Please tell me, what do you work?

Yes, I am able to to make green rice.

I beg your pardon? You're not trying to tell me you can make rice glow.

Oh yes, a speciality of my home country, Mongolia:

Mongoloid ricecream. - How beautiful.

Wait, I have to go to stamp your documents.

Please wait here for me... Glowing rice...

That is simply unbelievable!

Miss, are you also from Mongolia?

No, I'm from Piacenza.

Oooh!

A mongoloid from Piacenza!

I've told you a dozen times,

I am not Ciu Ci Ciao, I just represent him,

until he.. uhm...

Oh, well, there he is...

About time. — Are you Ciu Ci Ciao?

Good afternoon.

Oh, great master! - Not at all.

The shoes are not dirty at all. - I worship you.

You have given me great pleasure. - Oh, no, no, no.

You give me work. - You don't do that here.

Stand up, please. - Ciu be very happy!

Come on, get up.

Now, I want you to put your head up and listen to me.

This man will take care of you. - How do you do?

Do you understand this? - How do you do?

I have to go to the counter. - Sehl elfleut.

Goodbye. - Goodbye, boss! Bye, boss.

You be too kind, too kind.

Hey, don't lick my shoes!

Goodbye, Bombolo.

Book him into the Tai Tung. I'm counting on it.

Come on, let's get out of here. The car's right outside.

The best thing is to take the suitcases together. It's easier.

You take him. - No, you carry it.

And what are you carrying?

The sign.

Oh, to the other side.

Are you all right?

Please forgive me if I hurt you.

I didn't mean to knock your head. Kiss!

I'd like to know why you are working here in Italy of all places?

Cause we are all very poor and very hungry.

Our family consists of very many people.

And if we want to have lunch, we have to put a herring

in the middle of the table, and then our whole big family

has to lick it, and lick and lick

You can all just lick it? - That's right.

Does it take you long to lick the fish?

We never run out of herring as it is pickled in alcohol bottle.

That's...

Say, do you happen to have a stamp from your home country?

I am a passionate collector.

Not possible, unfortunately,

because postcard in my home country Mongolia reached its destination

without the stamp having held. She can't be on it.

But isn't it rubberised?

Yes, but all people spit on the face that is on the stamp.

Who is there?

I don't have a mattress at all, but I would like to have one.

Uh... I suggest we play a game.

If you lose, you must give me your mattress.

OK? - Yes.

How many fingers do you have?

Count.

Ten. - Haha, you miscounted!

I'm gonna count for you: One, two, three four, five, six, seven, eight and nine.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight and nine.

I could have sworn it was 10... - You've lost!

What a bummer. Today of all days, I have to get up early tomorrow.

Hey, Bombolo, how do you lay the bricks?

Like this everything collapses immediately.

I do my best, but you need to know,

I am not a mason, but a cook.

Since when?

Only a small assistant of the assistant cook.

Oh no, I am a great specialist!

I am able to cut onions without crying.

Never mind. You want some?

No, water makes me puke. I prefer wine.

Angela! - What is it?

I think we forgot the toilet.

But it was marked in the plan.

We forgot it in the plan. But here we could implement it well.

But Nico, this is the bedroom.

So we put it here.

Are you stupid? This is the children's room.

Then put it here.

You're full of it. This will be the living room!

Makes a great impression on guests when they have to go to the toilet.

Then only this room remains.

This one? - Yes.

This is the kitchen.

Do we then shit on the meadow?

Ey Nico, stop with the dirty words.

The last time you talked like that, you broke something.

You took a vow when the boy was so ill.

You like to forget that.

I will try to find other words.

When I get the feeling I'm

What is it called? I have to go to the... yeah,

and we have no bathroom. Do we have to go out in the meadow?

Mum, Dad.

See, what am I saying? Er already sha...

I mean he already evacuated his bowels.

What does it matter? What are you getting upset for?

What is so bad about it?

Come here, Baby.

Mommy will clean you up.

Hey, listen.

You want to dance?

Oh nonsense, I have to leave right away.

I thought...

your restaurant only opened in the evening.

Yeah, that. But the boss is out of town,

and we have a new assistant cook.

I have to give him a hand.

All lame excuses! You just don't want to work.

Did you hear what she said? I didn't wanna work?

I am not only a cook, I also wash plates and I am also a chauffeur.

As a side job bricklayer.

I, a former prisoner, am helping an inspector to build his house.

Me and lazy, that's the peak!

I'm gonna get out of here.

Piss off.

Isn't it a wonderful day today?

Well, whatever you want to call it.

You are probably annoyed because you work.

I guess so. - What is this supposed to be?

Well, you know... nothing special. Just enjoying the sun.

Haha, very obvious. And that just happens to be standing there?

That? - Yes.

This is a little house for my son to play in.

Yes, of cours it is. And when he's finished playing,

then you transport all the stones and building stuff back home.

Yes, of course, sure. - Well, well.

Listen, let's stop playing games.

We come from the same community,

I'm a detective and you're a patrolman.

Oh, is that so? I hate guys like you.

You know the laws.

You think you can do anything you want, without any consideration.

I see. You think you can build something up here somewhere,

without first asking the authorities for permission.

But this is municipal territory, understand?

You'll tear the stuff down again!

I'll show you!

No one's gonna tear down the house, you bloody...

Nico! - I'm tearing down my son's playhouse again, that's what I wanted to say.

You have to excuse me, there are only illegally built houses in this area.

One more or less, what does it matter? - Why are you still making big statements?

He doesn't understand a word anyway. - Senora, listen.

I was just trying to explain to your husband

that an illegally built house must be demolished again.

There is nothing you can do about it.

There are laws, after all!

I'll tell you what you can do. - And what?

Go make an enema and use it to flush out your brain.

Nico!

Did I swear?

Cut through...

and done. - I don't get it.

He makes stuffed rice.

This is as stupid as filling macaroni with spaghetti.

I Will. I'll show you again in detail.

Take a grain of rice,

Cut up the rice grain...

Take the little ant

and put it in the rice grain.

Then press the rice grain together.

Then you take a very thin thread,

wrap it carefully around the rice grain,

make a tight knot.

Take a pair of sharp scissors and cut the thread.

It's easy work.

But how long do you need until a portion is ready?

You know, I lose a lot of time because I am extremely patient in my work,

but if I wanted to, I could also be much faster.

Try the same with more speed.

With pleasure..

Divide the rice grain, put ants in it, tie up.

Divide the rice grain, put ants in it, tie up.

Divide the rice grain, put ants in it, tie up.

Divide the rice grain, put ants in it, tie up.

Oh man, he reminds me of Speedy Gonzales.

Where did you learn that? From a magician?

No, I had my feet on power lines.

He's nuts

My father taught me that way.

But then father soon became too old for it.

Instead of dividing the rice, he cut all his fingers.

Really unfortunate. What was Mr. Papa's name?

Uh, Dum sil-Iy

Anyone who cuts off his fingers is also dumb and silly.

He was not dumb, no!

Dum sil-Iy his name. Meaning Honourable Sir.

And Ciu means sweet chicken.

Ah, I get it.

If it is called sweet chicken, we can cook him in the soup.

Unfortunately, that's my name.

Sounds funny, but that's the way it is.

Poor you.

[Ciu could also mean corn.

And Ci means we will surely see each other again soon.

Like the word ciao in Italy.

And the word "Ciao" in rear Mongolia means:

You can kiss my ass.

And my name means port.

I want to go home, I have to sleep now.

Hm?

Sweet dreams.

Say, can't we put your stuffed rice

on the menu tonight already?

Oh no, you have to wait at least nine days.

But if the guests really want to eat some of it tonight, what then?

I can't let that happen, because we'll have to wait,

until ants are mouldy.

Our customers have to be a little patient.

If guests do not wait patiently

then our rice tastes awfully, and I then will be guilty.

Mrs. Inspector, good morning!

Mrs. Inspector buys in person?

Save your stupid remarks.

Your wife is quite nervous today.

Anything go wrong with you yesterday?

No.

Everything went very well.

What? You did it six times?

Once. I showed it to you.

Wasn't particularly great either.

He doesn't understand anything. - Let's go buy fish.

And you, mind your own business.

Hey, is the herring fresh at least? - Just caught this morning.

What are you doing?

I wanted to ask him, if he has seen my uncle,

who drowned two months ago. But this one here hasn't seen water for years.

Impossible! This morning he was as bright as a button,

he even bit my finger.

Let's go somewhere else. — Oh! And what does Rocky get?

A few on the nose.

Oh, I'll never shop with you again!

Right now you need to listen to some stupid music.

And what do we buy for our child? - Don't bother me...

I am a big music lover.

Oh yeah? Since when?

For quite some time. I was at a music school and I was ringing bells.

You don't say. And then what happened?

I rang and rang, but nobody opened.

Fan Gun!

Do you think the food is running to the table by itself? Come on, hurry up!

You idiot!

I told you a hundred times, you have no business out there, understand?

You are not a Chinese!

Our guests shall think we make Chinese food!

And not just any crap canned food! - What are you, Chinese?

Indeed. I am Neapolitan, and they are everywhere.

Neapolitans are international.

Now piss off, get to work.

Just don't make me angry, I am the best onion slicer here!

Piss off, you weepy. - Why weepy?

I never weep when cutting onions.

Listen, someone has fallen asleep at the table in front.

I must hurry, or I'll miss my metro.

Oh, you can go. You don't have to worry. You go ahead.

Uh, listen, Vincenzo. - Hm?

May the lovely morning dew

wet your shining eyes. - Thank you, thank you.

Sweet dreams.

Come on, let's go to bed, I am already falling down from fatigue.

Shh, you have to speak a bit quieter, someone has fallen asleep back there.

If he's sleeping until tomorrow morning, we are still standing around here.

I'll wake him up. - Oh no, you don't wake up our customer.

Do not tear him out of his rest. You are too clumsy.

I make much more tender, like little kitty.

Pspspspspspspspspsp.

A-to. Pspspspspspspsp.

Aaaahh!

Are you crazy? - I was just trying to scare him.

Like little kitty.

When you scream like that you'll even wake up a rhinoceros.

My lord.

Ah...

My lord.

The man is dead as a doornail!

He probably sick,

and never be able to lick.

I hold Dead Man's Chant.

I'm scared of dead people.

Oh, you don't have to be afraid of dead people

You must be afraid only of living ones.

But we must do something.

We need to call an ambulance.

We can't leave him lying there like that. - But we can't do that,

the police are no good here.

And then I lose Residence permit

and the good reputation of Restaurant is ruined.

Understand?

But what do we do now?

Oh, uh... Well, I think that... uh...

we cut him into small slices and then we hide him.

What? You want to make goulash out of that man?

You do not like goulash?

I have relations with a police inspector, he is a good friend of mine.

He will help us if I call him.

Oh, its totally unnecessary to call the police.

We can sort this out between us.

For such small things do not need police.

Oh, let me think... It could be that...

Listen! You go quickly and close the shutters, okay?

Go, Pocoto, Pocoto.

What does your stupid Pocoto mean?

Pocoto means: Hurry. And Pocoto Pocoto means:

Get busy, tubby. We”, get busy, tubby.

Well... OK

I'll check his stuff.

What are you doing? - Searching pockets!

I will help you search.

You don't search him at all. You were stealing!

Nonsense, the man is dead. He doesn't mind.

If you steal from a dead man, someone'|| fry you in a pan.

It's immoral, don't you see?

I wouldn't have expected that from you.

Really not.

Here. A bunch of keys.

And another bunch of keys.

Ah, this must be his ID.

This will probably be one of the keys to the flat,

the other one probably for the car, huh?

What is it? - Well, you have to excuse me.

I'm thinking all the time

that I am a Mongolian from Mongolia,

but you are a Mongoloid from Malatea.

In reality you are a very intelligent little guy.

You give me kisses.

ID card of... um...

Gio... Giovanni Papetti, Viale Calzo Number 5.

There is no street in Rome with this name.

But here it is, read it yourself.

There stands Viale CaRRRzo.

But I have problems reading with my mongol eyes.

Lucky, you don't need to wear glasses.

But I always look like I'm asleep.

How does it look when you really sleep?

Forget it. You're probably the only mongoloid among us.

You cost me a lot.

No, the boss pays me. You don't have to do that.

No, you fool! You're costing me my nerves, You know what I mean? So listen.

Above all, we need a great deal of patience, because only if we are completely patient

will we get the beautiful corpse out of the restaurant,

without anyone noticing.

You carry body, I switch off light.

Light switch switches light off.

You moan like wild boar.

I'm moaning only because the body weighs so damn much.

The guy weighs so much because he weighed so much when he was alive.

You know what I mean? Understand?

I'm going out now and explore the situation.

All clear.

Pocoto, pocoto; Get busy, tubby.

Oh, quick, we have to sing now. - In the deep cellar we drink

the wine barrel empty.. - Those two are pretty drunk, huh?

Yes! The man must always drink too much of good wine on Saturday.

But it's Wednesday.

Yes, where I come from we have a slightly different time schedule.

Today is Saturday and tomorrow is Friday.

He's drunk too. Let's roll.

I only drink wine, because I don't like water...

Hey, you better check where his car is.

Okay, then you have to hold the body. - Yeah, sure, I'd love to.

We're lucky, it's standing over there. The key fits.

Come on, pick him up.

You carry him, I prefer to walk alone.

You cannot always choose your companion.

Come on, move it!

Someone once told me that the Chinese are a helpful people.

Hurry up!

Hurry up, it will be light soon.

Someone told me something about patience.

Yeah, I know, but I meant the fast one.

The fast patience! You gooks, you all have a...

In with the body!

Pocoto, pocoto.

You're a lot of fun. This guy is way too big for that car.

We could saw off legs.

Better open the top soon.

Then it will be cold.

I don't care. Just open it.

Uh, open what? - The top of the car.

First we pull him out again.

Come on, you take his feet.

No. Better you take him on one arm, me on the other.

Shit, that donkey lets go again...

So now I hold him on both his arms.

How many arms do you actually want to hold on to?

We are doing a good job.

I am not a gravedigger. - Come on, help me!

Where is Viale Calzo?

At the Piazza Panziza. - And where is Piazza Panziza?

Along Viale Mancini. - Where is Viale Mancini?

At the Viale Carzo.

Not Carzo. Carzo.

It's your turn, I feel suddenly completely exhausted.

But I don't have a driving licence for car. Only for bike.

So you drive. - Whatever. Let's go.

Let's get going.

Oh God, oh God, oh God...

Stop! You must stop!

You lost.

Why lost? I was married twice. That's where I lost!

Oh, then lost twice:

Freedom and carcass over there.

What carcass?

Damn!

Come on, pull up!

Pull him up! - I am pulling him up...

At last! We did it.

This is Viale Carzo, and this is house no. 5.

Listen and carry carcass,

and I will try to open door with key.

Yes, good.

Everything goes smoothly.

Ah, here it is.

He lives on the eighth floor.

Come on, hurry up!

Don't breathe so loudly!

Come on, come on.

Oodt, Papetti. Eighth floor.

Come on!

And hurry!

Are you insane?

Pssssst! - Shit.

If you make noise, you'll wake everyone up, do you understand?

It says lift is not in order. - This lift's broken?

I'm not dragging him up eight storeys, then he's staying here.

Ah, ah, ah, you carry him up there. - And you?

I not strong enough. You much stronger.

Big muscles, me just weak Mongolian.

Someone probably shat in your brain!

No, no one has ever done that,

but as the saying goes:

If thieves wanna break into your joint

You better sleep, or there is no point.

You are a frigging poet.

You still carry our corpse.

What have I done to deserve this? I used to go to confession...

Faster and quieter!

Hurry up, tubby.

And on, and...

on,

and...

on,

and...

on,

and on,

and...

on,

and...

Strange.

I don't think he's so heavy anymore.

You lost carcass.

Where could he be? He was in his jacket a minute ago...

Ah, there's our body! He's gone for a little ride.

You will bring him back up.

I'm not going to move from this spot.

You're probably right. I really haven't been very generous to you.

Forgive me, please.

I would suggest we play a little game.

If you lose, you must carry the dead man up.

If I lose, I bring the carcass to the top.

Fine by me, let's do it this way.

So come on: on your hands are how many fingers?

Nine. - No, there are ten!

Go ahead, count it.

One, two, three, four, five,

six, seven, eight, nine, ten. - Ato, you lost again.

Come on, give me a kiss, now.

Give me a kiss! - You always want a kiss...

Hey, let me take your jacket.

It's much too heavy for you.

You have enough to carry. - You are a true friend.

But now hurry up a little. - Really? Sure. I'll give you a hand.

Go, hurry, tubby.

Hutty, tubby... Kiss my...

Wonderful! Finally done.

Come on, come on, hurry up.

Come on, put him down.

It must look as if he died of a normal heart attack, got it?

So...

He must lie on the ground as if by chance,

as if the blow had suddenly hit him.

Yes, it looks very nice.

But why did you put the jacket on him the wrong way round?

But the jacket is perfectly all right, you don'thave to talk me into everything.

No, the jacket is the wrong way round! We have to change it.

You with your eternal change. Better change yourself.

Don't talk so much, but take off your jacket, go!

You not very nice to foreigners. You racist.

Watch it!

Damn it! What are you doing?

You fool! - You are the biggest fool of all.

We can argue later.

Now we must prepare the dead.

It will be beautiful this way! Looks like he just passed away.

Now turn on his stomach,

then it looks like most natural heart attack in the world.

Let him go! You're hurting him, you fool!

Close the door quickly.

Guys like you should be deported immediately.

This one looks amazing!

I place the keys in his hand.

Be careful not to break his fingers in the process.

Bombolino, would you be so kind as to answer the telephone?

I don't think I'm doing very well there,

because I have a slight foreign accent.

What, a slight accent? You talk like a turkey!

Very bad things you say to poor foreigner.

You must think more generously.

You should understand, Bombolino.

I have a small disability in my teeth.

But you obviously have a major disability on your head!

Who is this?

Giovanni Papetti, we will kill you.

Already happened.

We're out of here. - Oh, good.

Carefully we sneak away,

as we didn't want to stay. Heh, good rhyme, right?

What?

No, I have never seen a clearer case.

Probably the secret service. We found three IDs.

All with the same picture on it.

But with different names, of course.

But what do I care? I want you to find Giraldi!

If I knew where he was, I'd look for him myself. Find him!

Are you the porter of this building? - Yes. Yes.

Do you have a tablet? - A pill? Unfortunately not. Is that a crime?

Judge, I'll give you an aspirin.

Thank you, Commissioner. - Headaches again?

I am tormented by a terrible insomnia.

I have not slept since my birth.

But you are overdoing it, Judge!

Sometimes I have to take nine. - A day?

All at once!

Have you ever tried acupuncture?

But that is no use. - You think so?

No, it doesn't help at all.

Listen, have you observed any abnormalities in Signor Papetti's behaviour

in the last few days?

No, no, absolutely nothing abnormal.

I interviewed the neighbours. No one could tell me anything about him.

He lived a completely normal life. Inconspicuous.

In general a criminal always lives inconspicuously!

Ow, you moron!

Please be careful! - Oh, I'm sorry.

Any other new findings? - The doorbell rang.

Then someone should open up, right?

Good afternoon, Inspector.

Ciao.

Ciao, Trentini. - Ciao, Nico.

Morning, Judge. How's your skull?

Very bad, Inspector.

And how's your leg?

The damn thing always itches.

Mhm, it is a positive sign. - I guess so.

So...

who is the murdered man?

A certain Papetti. The man lived here.

The autopsy revealed that the man died of an arsenic overdose

after he had Chinese food.

He would probably have been in one of these typical Chinese restaurants.

And the poison must have worked right after he came into the flat.

His hand clutches the bunch of keys. - Right.

Yesterday morning, I went to bring him the paper,

so I had to unlock the door with my key.

I brought him the newspaper every morning. I found him there.

Yes? - Yes.

You knew the man better, didn't you?

Surely you can tell me who has visited him from time to time.

A friend or so?

You must remember something!

Excuse me, I really can't tell you much.

I only know he loved women very much.

He often brought some home.

An enviable man.

Tell me, you don't know any more precisely?

I mean, I need names.

No, no, I don't want to make a mess!

Oh wonderful, just wonderful!

Go on, get out of here, you understand?

You must not shout like that, Judge.

Mr. Porter doesn't want to be make a mess.

This has never happened to me before.

Any fingerprints, Gargiu? - Yes, inspector.

But there's nothing familiar about it.

Was anything stolen? - At first glance nothing is missing,

but we cannot rule it out.

Several documents were found in the wallet.

They found cigarettes and matches,

a pencil and a calendar, nothing more.

A very bad finger, this Papetti, or whatever his name might be.

The man had three passports with him.

No relatives, no friends either. The only evidence we have,

is that he may have eaten in a Chinese restaurant.

I have the following suggestion:

You will search all Chinese restaurants in Rome with his photo.

Maybe someone will recognise him.

Very well, Judge.

There aren't that many Chinese restaurants,

We can easily manage that today.

I will contact headquarters immediately.

They are to make copies of Papetti's picture.

Bombolino, you should put the stamps aside

and rather learn how to make stuffed rice.

How can I ever make stuffed rice with my paws?

Maybe I could fill watermelons with it.

I am also a passionate stamp enthusiast.

Ah, then you must be a syphillitic.

You're moronic. It's called philatelist.

And anyway: In my free time I do what I want.

You can make your stuffed rice.

I take care of my stamps.

Oh, Bombolino, you must also think about the future.

Our guests do not like eating stamps.

Well, I'd suggest we open a restaurant.

Chinese-italian.

I mean that spaghetti are big favourite dish in Italy,

and water snake is always a favourite dish in Mongolia.

None of us Romans would eat snakes.

We would rather starve to death.

Listen, I wanted to remind you that you promised me a bed,

because I don't like lying on hard woods.

Hello?

Police.

Oh God, the police are here!

Police at the door, Mongolian clears the floor.

I grab my purse before it gets worse.

Who is this?

The inspector. I didn't recognise your voice.

I'll open up right now! - Come on, move your ass.

Bambolo!

Where are you? - I'm hiding!

Nobody gets nothing out of me, capito?

What do you mean "get nothing out"?

You're a lousy coward, that's all!

And now what?

Why? Something wrong? - Come on, spit it out.

Well, spit what out?

Don't play the fool. This is murder and you know it.

What should I know? I don't know anything.

Spit it out already.

But I can tell you nothing.

You know very well that I have improved.

I even found a decent job.

Where did you get this stamp?

You know yourself I am a great stamp collector.

Now I have just committed myself to the San Antonio chain.

I sent over 10 letters all over the world,

and the stamps are now gradually coming back.

Here is your stamp collection.

And I will slap your face until you tell me the truth!

Your fingerprints are on the scissors.

That's for sure.

You tell me what you know now, okay?

I ain't telling you shit!

But you can believe me, Inspector!

No swearing, you hear? I took a vow.

You have taken the vow, not me.

That would be like blowing smoke in a non-smoker's face.

You don't do that, Bombolo.

I don't give a damn...

I want you to tell me the truth.

I didn't do it, the Chinese did it.

Which Chinese?

It was our new temporary cook, this person with the mean face.

What is the man's name?

His name is kind of Chinese.

I keep forgetting the guy's name.

At the moment he prefers bambolo.

Is he here?

Bambolo.

I'm Inspector Giraldi from the police, open up.

I cannot do that, unfortunately. - Open the door!

No, this impossible.

While I'm making stinky stool, I can't open with my tool.

Open up, Bambolo! The inspector is a personal friend of mine.

If anyone can help us, he can.

So this is what a Mongolian Mongolian looks like. Understand everything.

Understand what?

We are both completely innocent.

Believe me, Inspector

The murdered man was already sitting dead at a table in the restaurant.

We both just discovered him then!

We just wanted to avoid a scandal for the restaurant.

And that is why we immediately took him to his flat.

The man has been poisoned with arsenic.

And you are under suspicion.

The autopsy

has clearly shown

that the murdered man

had definitely eaten in a Chinese restaurant before.

Arsenic impossible! We only use excellent soya!

Damn shit soy!

The Chinese was determined to bring the murdered man home.

I would have called you immediately!

I think you'd both be really too stupid to commit such a crime.

There you hear it! The inspector means we”.

Listen.

You're going to tell me everything you know about Papetti.

Pa petti?

Hm, was not a regular in our restaurant.

That day he had come with a blonde.

Good looking.

At some point she left, but Papetti just stayed in his chair.

But he came together into the restaurant with the blonde?

That's what I said.

Then maybe the blonde killed him.

You wonderful logician! Go find murderer, hurry, hurry!

Hey Chinese, you take care of your damn pocottos,

and I'll do what I want, got it?

Do what the inspector says!

Do you have any idea how many blondes there are in Rome?

There are over 400,000 of them!

Let me help you.

I'll cover for you.

Maybe I can find some clues.

Fortunately, Judge Taducci, who is leading the investigation, has a constant headache,

so he can't do much.

But you have to keep a low profile!

You two saw nothing.

You both know nothing either.

If it goes wrong, it's my ass, okay?

Understood.

Does the shitter understand that too?

Got it, Inspector! - Good.

Listen.

I'm coming for dinner tonight.

You will pretend not to know me. Maybe I'll find clues.

If you get into trouble, call me at home, not at the office.

At home. At home, get it?

At home, got it! - My number is 6-5-4-3-2-1.

That's it.

And you two shut up.

If I notice that you have something to do with it after all

I'll be back

and turn two idiots into four.

Oh, Mother of God. Mamma Mia, Saint Benedict.

What kind of story did you two tell me there?

What did you have in mind?

Just abduct and take him for a little ride like the Boy Scouts.

Simply made a journey, very nice.

You just take a murdered man and think nothing of it

and take him to Viale Carzo.

Understand that you are complicit in this.

We are all complicit!

I have a family, I have a family.

My wife is in her 15th month.

You know what they say about pregnancy here, Vincenzo?

The longer the pregnancies last the more fathers you must ask.

Does that mean my wife does it with everybody?

You very irritable today, Vincenzo.

I don't think that your lovely wife favours all the gentlemen in the world,

just maybe some.

Let's drop this before we start arguing.

I would just like to know how the story with the dead man continued

after you had already driven him through half of Rome.

Why all the excitement? The inspector is a good friend of mine,

he will help us further.

Yes, very close friendship.

Because our little dumpling got only ear cuffs,

until he couldn't remember his name.

Interesting. I don't want to know anything else about it.

I am curious to see how it all turns out.

What are you saying?

You missed the fourth episode of the show?

Oh, that was the best!

Yeah. I had a great time.

It was funny, I almost died laughing.

Come again?

Wait, I'll tell you everything.

Pay attention.

I'll tell you.

The two had met before,

and they had, uh...

Hey, if you start with the Middle Ages, where will you end?

You've been talking to her for over two hours now. Cut it out, will you?

Whatever...

Oh, that was my husband, that pain in the ass.

All right. I'll call you tomorrow, okay?

Ciao.

You are a cruel man. I hardly understood a word.

Oh, I almost forgot:

On Sunday she comes for dinner.

Ah, wonderful! If your fat sister eats here more often,

I'm gonna need a raise.

Fat, you say?

She had broken a foot once, but the ambulance couldn't do anything.

She had to be transported away in a truck.

I forgot how disgusting you could be.

To show you how generous I am, I invite you to dinner tonight.

Really?

I'll take you to a Chinese restaurant, and then I'll drop you off there.

Make yourself pretty, if you can still do that.

What are you saying, huh?

I am pretty by nature.

Tell me, why...

are we going to a Chinese restaurant?

Do we have something to celebrate?

30 years of marriage.

But why 30 years? We got married three years ago.

No shit?

Well, I feel like it's been over 30 years.

Very funny.

I'll go get ready.

Listen, Rocky! Here's a tip: never get married.

For the women are all great dung.

I mean, uh, great mysterious beings.

You look up quickly!

Hey! This is Inspector Giraldi.

I pretend not to know the Mister. - Yes.

Good evening, Your Excellency. - You don't know me, okay?

Yes, my Lord.

I am the manager of the Tai Tung. I just wanted to tell you,

I have nothing to do with it, my name is Vincenzo.

I'll do anything you want.

I will choose a nice table for your wife.

Above all I would like to inspect the table

where the murdered Papetti was sitting

and to do so quite inconspicuously.

Understood.

No one must notice it.

Classified stuff. Trust me, I got it.

Attention, alarm! Clear the table immediately!

Get the hell out of here!

This is a secret matter, the police are here!

This is a raid, identity check!

Police investigation, get lost, everyone is suspect!

How much longer is this going to take?

Come on, hurry up, no need to pretend to be tired!

How dare you? - Get out, you have no say in this!

Out!

Get out of here, a special manhunt is on!

Let's get out of here, he's a madman! - Get the hell out of here!

The murdered man... - How dare you!

The murdered man had...

Inspector.

Where is he?

Come on, over here!

Yes? - Come here.

Your servant.

If someone tells you not to make a fuss and you do,

what do they call you? - Dumbass.

That's the way it is. - Thanks.

Nico, no swear words. - He said it, not me.

Bring us some food. - Yes, right away.

Franco!

Yes, what can I do for you?

Yes, I would like spaghetti, and if you have

I would also like sour Miacchi.

Angela, are you trying to embarrass me?

This is a Chinese restaurant.

We never get sour Miacchi here.

No?

Two lasagnes...

and oxtail soup. - We don't have that here.

I can offer you bamboo as a starter

or also shark fin soup, if you wish.

Okay, then bring me a fried shark,

but in one piece. - With pleasure.

Thanks, you can pick up the photos tomorrow.

Small photo, Signor?

Yeah. Come on, Nico, a photo would be nice for Rocky.

Stop, wait!

That's better.

Yes...

Thanks a lot. They'll be ready tomorrow.

Ceremonys. Bat-isms. Weadings. Photos for your evernings and tombs.

Is this

Signora Romualdi speaking?

You and I spoke on the phone 3 days ago.

Sorry for the delay, I had traffic problems.

Have you thought about my proposal?

Oh well...

Ah, you mean 400 thousand for the negatives would be a bit too much for you.

Ah, that makes me sad.

Your husband would certainly pay me over 500 thousand for this.

Ah, Signora, don't start crying, okay?

We just have to work our way through it, right?

Ah.

I will wait two more days.

But not a minute more, okay?

Who are you, what do you want here?

I wanted to pick up the photo you took.

Ah, got it...

Everything was closed. How did you get in here?

If I were to tell you

that I am now with the police

and that I was a crook in the past, can you guess?

Police?

What do you want from me?

I will put you away.

Because of your blackmailing and accessory to murder.

But I don't do that at all.

You must definitely be wrong!

You have no chance.

I overheard the telephone conversation just now.

What are you doing?

You take pictures of the couples in the restaurant.

If you find out that they have a secret fling

then you blackmail them.

Like the woman you just talked to on the phone.

But no, I don't do that at all!

Do not play the innocent here, you sausage, understand?

It didn't work for Papetti. Isn't that right?

Hm?

He didn't pay.

And because he wouldn't pay, you put some poison in his food.

No, I swear on my mother!

Hurry up, Gargiulo!

Get him, Gargiulo!

Gargiulo!

Gargiulo!

The idiot simply leaves me alone.

I have to catch the fat one!

Where is the car?

Inspector!

Inspector Giraldi!

You stupid pig, you moronic idiot!

Do you even know what you have done?

Piss off, asshole!

Kiss my ass! You have a shit car anyway!

You big asshole!

Get lost, or I'll knock your crooked mouth straight again!

Attention!

Attention!

Attention!

Highest alarm level.

Highest alarm level.

Danger of explosion.

Avoid any vibration.

Attention! Attention!

Highest alarm level.

Danger of explosion.

Attention!

AVOID VIBRATIONS

DANGER

Go! Wake up!

Wake up!

Where am I?

A bit cold here, isn't it?

Mummy!

Help! I don't feel well.

Shut up, or the nitro will blow!

I am innocent, Inspector. I didn't kill anyone, I'm sure of it!

I don't even know this Papetti.

I also have no idea about this blonde.

If I took a picture of these two, it was only by chance.

The pictures must definitely still be there.

I hope so, or you'll be in trouble.

There they are, Inspector.

The man wanted me to go to hell when I photographed them.

I need an enlargement of this immediately. Four times.

I will, but it will take two days.

All right. I'll pick it up in two hours.

Whatever you say.

From now on you stop the blackmailing,

or I'm gonna smash your stupid face in, you got it?

I'd bust your ass if I hadn't made a vow.

It says: “Chief Justice Tarducci

is the head of the investigation into the Papetti murder case.

The judge says the investigation went well

and he believes they are well on their way

to isolate the man's murderer or the perpetrators."

He probably means us, you know? Me and you.

You sure you know what it says?

I will still be able to read after all.

You don't look like you can read.

What? Better than you with your gooks!

If you catch your perpetrator, someone talked, I guess a traitor.

My uncle keeps telling me.

What was your exceedingly clever uncle's name?

Uncle's name To Po.

You mean this gamble game, "Toto".

You don't get it!

To his first, Po his last name.

To Po.

Whatever. What do we do?

I am a great strategist, got it?

Uhm...

I do acupuncture, you understand?

This is a great therapy.

You put a needle in one specific region of the body

and the patient loses his memory.

Hm. What are you gonna do?

Inspector Giraldi said that the judge

suffers from a bad headache.

I do acupuncture for Mr. Judge

and he loses his complete memory.

Do you know anything about acupuncture?

Nothing at all.

But my uncle To Po said the world is only a small trickle

and nothing is impossible for man from Mongolia.

But no, you are completely wrong here,

You need to contact another department, you understand? Yes, please.

What's up? Yeah, this is Rengini, uh, Trentini!

No, I can't do that.

When I give you an order, I want it to be executed

without discussion! Do you understand?

Listen, dear Commissioner. Don't always make such a fuss.

No screaming, copy that.

No, I am not talking to you!

The judge asked me to provide for more peace.

There's no yelling, you understand, man?

You drive me crazy! Uh, what are you talking about?

Commissioner, listen to me! My head is exploding!

Yes, he is exploding!

No, nobody has exploded here, only the judge's head is about to explode!

Anywhere else, DOD, wherever you want.

The Salvation Army for all I care!

Yeah, you too!

Hello, who's speaking?

My name is Trentini, not Quantunti! - You'll have to speak a little louder.

I can't understand anything, please speak louder!

Please keep it down...

I don't understand a word. Louder!

No, a little quieter! I can't go on, my head is bursting!

I emigrate. - I'm sure you're absolutely right, Judge.

But why not try acupuncture?

Yes, wonderful, wonderful!

You need acupuncture. I know an excellent man.

He cured my wife again.

Horrible.

Why horrible? - Why horrible?

Uh, I was going to say: luckily. - Give me whoever you want,

send me what you want - I am no longer capable of anything.

And because of the Papetti murder case,

tell the stupid journalists, we just don't get any further.

We do not have the slightest evidence.

Look, I really don't know which idiot jackass

told the press we had a lead.

Judge, that was you yourself.

When I was in the office with you, you told me to take care of the journalists.

Hey, can't you watch where you're falling?

Call 103.

Watch it, man!

You know that he is not...

Who is there? - The doctor of acupuncture is here.

Just a moment.

Good afternoon. - Ah, good afternoon.

Good afternoon, Missy.

Good afternoon, Doctor - Ah, good afternoon, Ma'am.

Good afternoon. - Are you the Chinese doctor?

Acupuncturist says more healing, less talking.

That takes a load off my mind! - But also for me.

Please come with me.

My husband has retired to the study.

Only there he can find the necessary peace.

Ooooh, how dreadful, oh!

Hubby is doing pretty badly? - Yes, you could say that.

Poor devil...

There he is. - Oh, it looks bad.

So, are we missing something? - Dearest.

It does not look good at all, my Lord. - The Chinese acupuncturist is here.

Oh yes, I was expecting him. Commissioner Trentini sent him.

I'd better get out, then, wouldn't I? You don't need me.

If someone's in the room while healing, he'll soon be dead but dreaming.

Ciao, my heart. Ciao.

It's much too dark here. I switch on the light.

Is it necessary to turn on the light? - Of course it is necessary,

otherwise I couldn't see anything.

Stand up. Come on, get up.

Get up.

That's it, good boy. That's a good boy.

Hurts, doesn't it?

I now sit down.

And you sit down too, on my lap.

So what now? - You lie on your lap like mom.

Like mommy weigh mongoloid child. Fine, that's good.

Just be relaxed. Relax, okay?

You like that? - No.

You feel good now, right? - Uh, no.

All right, then other healing.

You now get up again. Just relax.

Then you sit down here. Go on, go on.

Sit down very loosely. That's good.

Lie down very long, like this. Keep the pig's eyes tight.

You don't cheat either? You can't see anything?

No... - Let's go!

Ow!

The headache gets worse and worse!

If your head is hugely ill, tell the doctor Thanks for nill.

Signora, you must not get so upset.

You will see that your husband will soon feel better.

I need drill. Fast. - There is a drill in the storage room!

Hurry up, quick, close it!

Here is the drill, but what do you need it for?

For Acupuncture.

Oh, my poor... - It's impossible,

Acupuncture is only done with needles!

Ah, an electric saw. - Why an electric saw?

Hurry up!

Here we have the saw.

But the clothes are not disinfected!

Oh, God. Oh, God. What is he doing to him?

Scalpel, quickly!

The scalpel, hurry up!

Before it's too late!

What do you need all these tools for?

To open closure of my bag.

Ah, I'm relieved!

So, finally it is open.

Yeah, it's all there.

Now I need you to relax, okay?

You now be very calm, because if you are not calm, I get nervous.

And if I'm nervous, I do everything wrong, understand?

One on the mouth, that will do you good.

And on the nose comes the second one.

And I'll stick one in here.

And another one then in here.

And on your forehead, I will put a particularly beautiful needle on it.

What is it? - Signora, it's the judge,

he screams terribly! - I hear it myself, how terrible!

Normally this does not hurt.

On the contrary, my mother tried it herself once.

You already lose your memory?

N-n-n-no, no. I even remember what there was to eat back then,

on the day of my first communion.

I can't take it anymore, we absolutely have to look!

Oh, my poor Enrico! You're completely spiked.

Go on, call the police immediately, the number 113, you hear?

No, do not please call the police, no.

I would like to work here for a long time. I do not want to go back to China!

China not good at all! I now feel at home in Rome.

But who sent you here?

Inspektol Giraldi told me to go here.

Oh, Giraldi!

Closed by judicial order

Here comes the inspector.

We are completely exhausted, inspector.

They have closed our Chinese restaurant,

and arrested Bombolo and Bambolo.

How?

This Mongolian wanted to erase

the judge's memory in his house through acupuncture.

But the judge didn't want to do the mongol the favor of dying.

That's why he confessed that you were protecting him

for the murder at the restaurant.

Hey, I report important things and he disappears.

Such a mess! How is this possible

in a democracy!

With a police force that is state-sponsored,

any kind of discipline has been abolished.

She went to the dogs.

I feel like I'm on a boat that... uh...

completely rotted out and drifts on the big ocean.

But, judge, what's the point of this completely unnecessary excitement?

Everything was planned

completely in your sense.

It's just that something went wrong.

But Nico, you have to admit

that you have hindered the investigation in a certain sense.

But what are you talking about?

I did everything I could to prevent the journalists from coming

and the photographers from taking photos.

That might have led to an insane misfortune!

Well, that seems like a very strange theory.

A strange theory? Then have a look at this!

If the gentlemen could take a look? - Very interesting!

Is this the woman who was with Papetti

and left the restaurant before him? - Didn't you find out anything about her?

What do you think of her?

Of course, I spoke to the porter of Viale Carzo.

He told me that she had frequently met with Papetti.

Before his murder!

And the suspicious lady is called Frizzi!

Frizzi? She lives in Via Orgiata.

Orgiata, hm?

Orgiastic, huh?

What is it?

Her name is Orgiata.

But not what you think in your crooked brain again.

It is called Orgiata corner Cassia.

Orgiata corner Cassia - The street is called Olgiata!

Orgiata, I've always said so! - If you prefer...

Olgiata, with L. - Orgiata is written without I!

Yeah, that's right.

Tell me...

What happened to you?

Oh, it was that Mongol, your fine protégé.

He absolutely wanted to acupuncture me.

But this man has completely perforated me.

I look like a kitchen sieve. - Oh, by the way:

You can release the two idiots from the restaurant,

they are completely innocent.

These two don't concern you at all,

you better mind your own business, got it?

Let me give you some advice:

Do not always interfere in things that don't concern you!

You want to go to the Olgiata. Then why don't you get out?

Sure.

Inspector! - Thanks to the ass-

Thanks to the request of my boss I will now go to the Orgiata!

You wait here for me. Don't move.

Not like last time, get it?

Excuse me, Inspector,

but the last time I was here I just got myself something to eat.

If you are not married, you have to take care of everything yourself.

You're a real lucky guy, Gargiu, damn lucky.

If you knew my old lady, your eyes would pop out.

All day long she thinks about money.

20,000 the day before yesterday, 30 today and the same again this weekend!

Yeah, but... What is she doing with all that money?

I would like to know that too, Gargiu. I'm outta here.

One move and I blow your brains out.

What would you do with me if I suffered from head twitching?

No tricks, right?

At the slightest wrong move I will blow you away, so

so that your guts can be gathered up on the lawn.

Hahahaha, what do you look like?

Is the uniform from a mail order company?

Just be careful, otherwise you'll be in for the last time!

That's horrible.

I kill without thinking.

You hear me? I am a member of the Central Italian Private Police Association.

I guess they'll hire anybody...

May I move my hand?

Here.

Look. - Oh!

Please excuse me, Inspector. But I didn't recognize you!

Listen, my boy. Let me give you a tip:

You would have to file the graim off your pistol.

But why, Inspector?

If only I had not taken this cursed vow.

But wait, I'll show you in sign language.

Two...

gangsters...

take...

steal...

my gun. Hahaha.

Two gangsters...

uh, me...

pull down my pants.

The two... gangsters...

who...

stole...

my gun...

want to stick my gun up my ass.

But it hurts!

Yes, that's why you have to file the grain down first, got it?

Hello?

I'll let you in.

Good morning, signora. - Can I help you?

I am Inspector Giraldi, Judicial Police.

I have a few questions for you.

Look, signora:

This here is you.

The man is an old friend of yours.

For God's sake, I beg you, my husband is at home.

He must not hear about the whole story.

I stumbled over the cord.

I'm terribly embarrassed. - Who's making all that noise?

Oh, what a misfortune, my precious ceramics!

What is this man doing there?

I am the plumber. The signora called me

to fix the toilet.

Yes, that's right! - I tripped over the cord.

Yes, darling. I told you I'd call a plumber.

But then why doesn't he go to the toilet, but is about to devastate my house?

The house looks like a heap of rubble!

This is not true, the cat is still intact.

What do I care about that stupid cat?

You don't care about it?

Then I might as well throw them down. - What are you doing? We're leaving.

Oh God!

Oh God, my cornucopias!

Oh God, my cornucopias from Daphne!

He broke my cornucopia horns!

Don't worry, your wife will certainly put new ones on you.

What are you trying to say?

You broke my horns!

I mean, maybe your wife will glue them back together for you?

I, uh... everyone stands where he belongs.

I see. I thought you were making fun of me.

But now go, get out of here!

Sweetheart, it was nothing but a little misfortune!

Just a little misfortune. Now repair the bathroom!

Get out of here! He broke my cornucopias.

So, dear Signora, now you come out with the truth.

I know what happened anyway.

Your husband was somewhat disturbed that you always cheated on him,

and that is why he poisoned Papetti.

But no, that is not true at all!

My husband plays no role in this. He knows nothing.

Well, you're right.

I was the Giovanni Papetti's mistress.

A man who really understood me. He meant well by me.

He was very sensitive.

My husband, however...

The guy is only interested in his Safaris in Africa and in his ceramics!

Excuse me, signora, one moment.

Could you stop or sit down?

I'm sorry.

I feel like I'm on a tennis court, which makes me nervous.

You are right. I went to the Tai Tung with Papetti that night.

But I left early!

I only learned from the newspaper the next day

that Giovanni had been murdered.

Excellent.

I would just like to know who then mixed the arsenic into the bamboo salad.

Arsenic? - Hm.

What? He's... He was killed with arsenic?

Yes, indeed.

And I'm sorry, but the suspicion falls on you.

But what are you saying? This is idiotic.

You must know, I loved that man. Why would I kill him?

There is some truth in it. So now...

you are going to tell me the whole story,

but without leaving anything out.

We talked about everything possible.

Stop, wait!

He told me he had been robbed in the afternoon.

Robbed?

Yes. But by a strange pickpocket.

He even gave him back his wallet, but not the money.

The only thing missing from the purse was the money?

Or did the thief also steal something else?

You know, Giovanni said, that this crook didn't even take

his pillbox, even though it is made of gold.

The pillbox contained his diabetes pills.

Your husband, um... your... never mind...

say, lover, took the pills before your eyes?

But of course, he took the tablets after each meal.

I'll tell you what:

I'm gonna go find that crook.

And the pillbox too. I know where it is.

Listen, Inspector...

I haven't moved an inch away from here since my release.

Then why are you crying?

You don't have to steal my precious time!

You and that idiot Chinese opened Papetti's purse

and then took out the two sets of keys.

B-b-but we had to, didn't we?

You know, in the purse, there must also have been a golden pillbox.

But they were not found on the dead body.

You bagged it.

You bagged it, you did it!

I took the pillbox.

He was dead, what else could he do with it?

It was made of gold!

I wanted to sell it. Life is not easy, Chief Commissioner.

I'm just an inspector, okay?

It is not easy these days.

You don't get anything for free.

Is this all stolen stuff?

I, uh... I just kept it. The guests left it here.

The shaver, for example.

There it is! It weighs over 20 grams.

I could have sold it well.

What was in it?

Some white pills.

Where are the pills?

I threw them away, somewhere in the kitchen.

We'll look for them.

I need to check something.

A terrible misfortune, a telegram from Chang Tse Piao.

He'll be back tomorrow! He'll kill us all!

I'm sure he does! - Come on, let's go.

He'll probably kill us all!

He will surely kill me!

He gave me the place, but you two idiots

had to do this crazy thing and acupuncture the judge!

I must kill myself! - But Vincenzo,

who's going to cry, Vincenzo?

No need to cry, everything will be fine, everything will be fine again.

But it makes me cry, you know? - No, Vincenzo.

If you cry too much, your body loses too much salt water.

But I am not very well at all. I have great pain in my stomach.

I am in great pain. My legs are shaking

like crazy and I have a terrible fever! - So you are really slim,

I need to take a look at your eyes. - But don't touch them.

Vincenzo, you have terrible liver inflammation.

Oh, Holy Virgin Mary, Saint Joseph, help me!

Is that really true?

Your shit, what does it look like?

What shit? - Your shit. Is it purple?

I have no idea.

Chocolate? - No.

Then Nuts? - No.

Strawberry? - No.

Pistachio? - Nein.

You think I swallowed an ice cream parlour?

I feel so bad because the boss is coming back tomorrow,

and he blames me for the fact that the shop is closed!

What will the boss do with me? Could you tell me that?

He certainly intends to perform the Chinese revenge.

How does the Chinese revenge work?

Chef puts a huge rock on your chest.

Then I take the rock and throw it out the window.

No, that's not good, don't do this, no!

Why not? - Because long rope is already tied to rock,

and long rope is tied around your neck.

Oh!

Honey, did you lock the front door well?

Yes sure, I locked twice. - I can be reassured?

Totally reassured.

You know, sweetie?

My headache is completely gone.

That's great! About the acupuncture?

Yes, it may sound strange, but this charlatan, this batty Chinese

actually cured me with his insane method.

Any news, Inspector?

The murder in the Chinese restaurant is almost solved.

Ahm...

this Papetti...

He's been robbed.

But this crook then sent the purse back to him.

But before that he replaced the diabetic tablets in his pillbox

and put arsenic pills in instead.

Papetti then took them and immediately fell over dead as a doornail.

Wonderfully combined, but do you have any proof?

But of course. Here they are.

For God's sake, keep your hands off!

There, Gargiu, hold them for so long.

The rats ate the pills that were in Papetti's can.

If we dissect them, it will come out, that

they died from the same poison as Papetti.

Then take them to the lab

and don't scare my poor wife all the time, understand?

I am already gone.

I was right in my assumption, wasn't I?

Sure. No one disputes that.

Exactly, because I'm rarely wrong. - All right, so keep talking.

Cheers.

The culprit must be either this pickpocket

or someone who tried to frame the little crook

and then bumped off the pickpocket so he wouldn't talk.

Mmm, that sounds pretty reasonable.

That's why I've already sent Gargiulo to the morgue,

to have all those murdered that day checked out.

Well done.

Among the murdered will be our little pickpocket,

I'd bet my balls... I mean, my guts.

I must not swear. I always forget.

Here Trentini.

Ah, it's you, signora... Uh, it's your wife.

What's up?

Nico, the boy is terribly unwell,

he has spots all over his face!

If we are unlucky, he'll get the measles. What am I going to do?

Were you swearing again today?

Swear words? I never use swear words.

But no! I was babbling something about my guts,

and my guts aren't a dirty word, are they?

You call the doctor right now!

And with the boy, you have to take a temperature, understand?

I'll be home as soon as I can. Goodbye.

Damn it. I have to go home right away.

Just don't worry about me.

You know, Gargiulo has to be back here any minute.

I'll let you know right away.

I'm worried, though, because I can't do anything with the cast on my leg.

I need Gargiulo as a driver! - Don't get upset.

There he is.

Did you find anything out? - Well...

Yes, Trentini speaking.

No, no, you're not interrupting at all! Your wife again.

What is it?

Honey, you don't have to worry at all.

Rocky is perfectly fine.

He was just very dirty.

There were dirt stains.

You will wash his face in the morning in the future. Let's be clear about this!

Hey, why are you getting upset? - Damn it, that's why!

Ah! What do I hear?

Remember, you and I took a vow!

I haven't forgotten the vow,

but I can't work anymore if I'm not allowed to swear while doing it!

This damn vow!

I don't care if we go to see the Pope or go to Lourdes!

I am unable to work like this!

Do what you want! You are a stupid dog. Ciao!

Bye.

Give Rocky a kiss for me.

Ciao!

Do tell.

So, on that particular Wednesday, there were a total of five people murdered.

The perpetrators all remained unknown. - Mhm. Yes.

Uh, two women, a bum, our Giovanni Papetti and a certain...

a certain Umberto Tadei, with multiple convictions.

He was found in the woods of Castel Cusane.

He had a nice hole in his head.

This man will be able to tell us the name of the murderer!

Nico, the man was murdered, he does not speak.

You never talked to a corpse before?

Can't recall.

No, no!

No! Please don't.

Please don't! Ah!

He got what he deserved.

Dear Mr. Chief of Police.

Inspector. - Inspector.

This Silvana works here - isn't that right?

Yes, Silvana used to work here as an usher.

But I haven't seen her in a few years.

How well did you know this Umberto Tadei?

Pretty good, I'd say.

We both did some great jobs together.

But Umberto has turned to pickpocketing,

and you know, with my fat ass I couldn't...

I don't like swear words.

Outch, right on the ingrown nail, chief inspector!

Inspector, clear?

Right, Inspector.

See? There she is!

Go get her for me, come on. - I'm off.

I always forget your leg, commissioner... - Inspector.

Inspector, excuse me.

Silvana! Don't you recognize me?

I am Bombolo, Umberto's friend.

There's an acquaintance of mine sitting there who wants to talk to you.

He may be a cop, but he's a decent guy.

Do me a favor and tell him everything you know, got it? Come on.

This is Silvana, Inspector. - Ciao.

Ciao.

So?

But I don't know anything important. I have to go back now.

Not so fast. It's nice here.

Did you love this Umberto?

I loved the man more than anything.

Then I'm sure you'll be pleased to hear that I'm after the man

who killed your dear Umberto.

For all I care.

I'll have time for you after the last show.

Only after the last performance?

But I don't have that long, I still have to pick up the boss at the airport.

You'd have to drive me, I can't.

Do you have a driver's license? - Yes.

Then we'll meet here. - OK.

I'll watch the movie, and when you're done, we'll go.

OK.

Come on, get out!

I'm afraid he be angry. - Bullshit. Come on now.

I prefer to wait here. He can tear you to pieces for all I care.

Do you know what we do? You stand in front of Chang Tse Piao

I open the car door for him, and you get out of there.

Yes, so that fine gentleman can kick me in the ass.

I'm not crazy, just do it yourself.

But it's going to be okay, get it!

Inspector Giraldi will catch the killer.

Our Chinese restaurant Tai Tung will open again,

and we will all be satisfied.

Come on.

No, you will tell our fine gentleman the wonderful news,

I hold the fort here.

You are a coward! A lousy quitter!

Ten million lire he promised us. Five immediately in cash.

Who can say no to that?

And the rest?

He wanted to pay the rest, after we had done the work.

Work you call it?

Steal and swap.

In any case, he then had the opportunity to replace the pills.

You know, I had no idea about the whole thing.

Umberto didn't know about it either, honestly.

And Umberto was only supposed to leave the purse at a news stand,

where Papetti would pick it up.

And when your friend went to get the second installment, he just got shot.

By that vile murderer!

Do you know who it is?

Of course I do. - You would recognize him?

Sure. It was a Chinese guy.

How did the trip go, Mr. Piao?

Very gratifying. Has something happened?

The place was closed by the police. Apart from that it's going great.

Why was my restaurant closed down?

Why?

Because they found a man who was murdered in the restaurant.

What's that supposed to mean? What happened to you?

They arrested us and locked us up, but apart from that everything's fine.

I'm going crazy. You explain to me right now what happened.

Inspector Giraldi, a friend of mine,

has been able to identify an eyewitness to the murder.

But Cil'i Ci Ciao is in the car. He'll tell you everything in Chinese,

that way you will understand better.

That one is the killer. - Him?

Now I get it.

Now I get it.

Simply everything!

Your fine boss pretended to be going on a trip. But he did not.

But why not? Bombolo drove him to the airport.

He just wanted us to think that.

He pretended he was going to fly away in the plane.

However, he did not fly until a day later.

So he had enough time to carry out the murder plan.

Where are Bombolo and the Chinaman?

They went to the airport in Fiumicino to pick up the boss.

They'll be back in half an hour, I think.

But he might...

But he might have gone home, too.

Hm?

Where does Piao live?

Lungotevere Ripetta 31.

Hello? This is Inspector Giraldi.

Which of us is on duty now?

Good, connect me.

Ciao, Gusso.

Listen, I need a favor.

I need some people quickly in the...

Lungotevere Ripetta 31. Lungotevere Ripetta 31.

Watch out, as soon as two guys

and a Chinese guy show up, arrest them immediately.

Next, you absolutely must send a car with... uh...

some plainclothesmen to the Tai Tung restaurant immediately, uh...

Vicolo del Forno Nr. 3. - Vicolo del Forno Nr. 3.

Notify Trentini as well.

And Gargiulo, too, got it? Okay, ciao!

You both claim that this inspector, with the help of this pickpocket's girlfriend,

would unmask the culprit or, more correctly, the murderer?

Inspector Giraldi is a clever man.

Yes, he will catch the killer without even shaving his beard.

Isn't that right, Bombolino? - Yes.

So, your fine inspector seems to me to be an excellent man.

I would like to send him a gift.

Do you know where he lives?

I only remember number of phone.

It was the six, the five, the four,

the Three, the Two, the One.

Six, five, four, three, two, one?

100 percent correct. Right, Bombolino?

I beg you, you should excuse great impropriety on our part.

Yes, you just have to forgive us. What bad thing have we done?

We found nothing but a poisoned body in the restaurant.

Ha ha, forgiveness you want? You have done nothing at all?

Hm?

My restaurant was closed.

I am discredited, you two have ruined my reputation!

I leave you alone for only a few days

and you have already destroyed thirty years of my work.

I'm kicking you out! You will be fired!

Stop the car immediately!

Stop at once! - Please don't do that!

I don't want to see you anymore, you understand?

Get out of here! Get out of here!

We regret everything!

Come on, get out! - What have we done to you?

Get the hell out of here! - What have we done?

Bye!

Oh Shit.

Instead of storm I prefer warm.

This son of a goat-shithead abandons us here in the middle of the road!

A lot of shouting is useless, Bombolino. Don't always think about the past.

Rather think what we ca do now because of our future.

When people make great fault

they quickly blame some God.

And what do we do now? - We must run now to Rome.

Run to Rome? Over 30 km? No, I can't do that.

No, I mean, only one should go. I very good suggestion, listen.

Really very good suggestion.

If you should lose, you take me on shoulder.

If I lose, I'll take you on my shoulder.

How many fingers on your hands?

Ten! It's Ten!

Ha, ha, ha, again you lose game.

Ten, Nine, Eight,

Seven, Six... plus Five equals...?

Eleven!

Can not count well. Take me on shoulder!

I feel like a packhorse...

Now he even sleeps, the jerk.

I don't want any more, do you hear?

If you weren't an idiot, you'd stop a car.

If I'm not mistaken, I just heard something like a car.

Don't you want to take a look?

And?

Yes, I can see car! But it's not my task. You have to ask.

Excuse me, sir, could you perhaps give us a ride?

Of course, get in.

Thank you very much, this is very kind of you.

Very generous...

Where should I let you out?

Where it suits you best. Main thing is to come back to Rome.

Yes, to Rome.

It is terrible, kind sir, to be unemployed.

And without a domestic home.

And without work.

And without any family at all!

We are two orphans, but waiting for a finder.

Would you two be interested in a job?

Would you have a job for us?

Ah, I have permission for that! I like to do that, yes!

I could use two guards for a hotel that is currently closed.

Very interesting. What is name of hotel?

It's called

Hotel Bloody Hand!

Hey! Say, what are you afraid of?

This man very kind to us.

Bambolino, quickly give me my little kiss! That's good!

How long do they take?

The plane landed an hour ago.

I called.

The witness is hidden?

She's with Vincenzo.

I'm going to call home.

Do you know who's talking?

Your dear husband.

It's very nice to hear you, but when are you coming home?

Yes, a little later. I still have a lot to do here.

Listen, Rocky doesn't want to go to bed.

Can't you just quickly go over to the pharmacy

and get some chamomile for him?

Angela, I'm about to get terribly angry.

I'm about to get terribly angry, yes?

Huh? Don't you understand? I have to work! I don't have time!

You don't understand? That's why I'm calling in the first place.

To tell you it will be a little later!

So, you think he must finally go to bed?

Then you have to put him in front of the TV and he'll be asleep right away.

This afternoon your dear son had a fight with all the neighborhood kids.

Ha, wonderful, that boy!

He must have this calm and peaceful nature from his father.

The doorbell rang. I'll be right back!

No, Angela, no!

Angela!

Hello, who's talking?

It's Chang Tse Piao.

A gun is pointed at your wife and son.

You will now do exactly as I tell you!

Listen.

If anything happens to my wife or son,

I'll make mincemeat out of you.

Inspector, stay reasonable!

I don't lose much now anyway!

I'm leaving your apartment now, and your two sweethearts are hostages!

Stay calm.

If you want to see them both healthy again,

then you and the girl, who recognized me,

should come to the old hall of Fiumicino airport in about an hour.

I repeat: only you and the girl. Do you understand?

Who was he? What did he want? What did he say?

No one wanted anything.

Someone is threatening your family!

Look, I'll take care of my family myself, all right?

What do you mean? We are here to help you with that.

No! None of you will follow me!

None of you, or I'll shoot!

Don't worry, I'll always be around you, but you have to play along, got it?

Wouldn't it have been better if Silvana had come along?

Maybe he knows her. - The man does not know her.

She knows what he looks like, but he doesn't know her.

Besides, I'm not endangering the only witness.

So, then it might get dangerous?

Not dangerous at all. He just wants the exchange, nothing more.

What do you think he'll do to me when he gets his hands on me?

Go to Capri, perhaps? The man is a cold-blooded murderer.

He will silence me on the spot.

This is it.

Take the next right out.

But that's not the way to Fiumicino.

You do as I tell you! We have to lose the police behind us, understand?

But what do you want from us? What have we ever done to you?

Keep the kid quiet, got it?

But if he... - Shut up.

Come out of the car!

You give me my wife and the boy, and you get the girl!

But the two come together!

I want the girl here first. No discussions!

Do it, Nico!

Otherwise he'll kill us! He will shoot us!

Yes, that's right! That's exactly what I'm going to do, Inspector!

You will do as I say, or I will shoot them on sight!

My gun is pointed at your son! Hurry up!

You must be armed!

Hopefully you realize that now is not the time for heroics!

I'll give you 3 seconds, then I'll kill the little bastard!

Hurry up!

Do it! Throw the gun away!

Come on, hurry up, Inspector!

Drop the gun or I'll shoot!

A bad mistake.

Now I'm going to kill all of you!

You will be the first!

You pig, you won't!

Nico!

Come here! - Oh, Nico!

Come here! Come to your Daddy!

Come on! - I was so scared.

We're just playing, we're just playing.

We both played cops and robbers.

Don't cry, don't cry, little guy.

There, go to mommy, be good, ok?

Everything is fine again.

Daddy! Daddy!

Vincenzo.

Why? - It was just a coincidence.

That stupid Papetti, he...

He only came to Tai Tung by accident.

Why did you do it?

He was an agent, he...

He was going to kill me, and I thought

I had to finish him off first.

Why did he want to kill you?

I'm an agent, too.

It's not easy to explain all this.

A tangled story among spies.

You see, little guy? Here I am again.

Dad is back, completely healthy. It was all just a joke.

Did you watch me throw the stick away?

That was a great number, wasn't it?

Hello?

This is fox, all right?

This is Trentini. Tell me, what happened?

The murderer has been caught.

Is he alive?

Of course he's alive. Who am I going to kill?

If I killed him,

we wouldn't be able to put him in jail.

There he'll serve life.

Wonderful. Write me a report right away!

No. I'd rather write the report tomorrow. I can't do it today.

I need to finish building my house. You will help me, won't you?

Look, Nico! That policeman is trying to get in our way again.

A little faster, go Trentini, hurry up!

Hurry up! You can't think of anything else, can you?

We do what we can here, don't we?

What more do you want? I feel overwhelmed.

I even played a transvestite.

Hurry! Give me the last brick, quick!

Here it is, judge!

Gargiulo!

You idiot!

Ah, wonderful.

So you didn't take my advice.

All the worse for you,

because you are now tearing down the building again on the spot.

Everything here you can tear down right away.

You built for absolutely nothing, get it?

You are too late!

In fact, we have just covered the entire roof with the last tile!

And you will know it as a state official yourself,

that once you have covered a roof,

the house can never be torn down again.

You're a smart little guy, all respect.

A common bricklayer.

Do you actually think you of all people could tell me something new?

Of course, I can tell you a few things, because I am a chief justice!

What am I supposed to do with my painstakingly prepared files?

Listen, I'll tell you:

You can wipe your ass with it!

Aaaah!

Inspector!

Nico!

Nico, what did you do?

I must have broken the other one too.

I begged of you, don't use profanity!

You have violated your vow. For that, you've been punished by God.

At least once he could pretend not to hear it.