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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:01,301 --> 00:00:02,536 -I love you. Enjoy yourself, everybody. 2 00:00:02,536 --> 00:00:04,671 Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to 3 00:00:04,671 --> 00:00:06,173 "The Tonight Show." 4 00:00:06,173 --> 00:00:08,542 You're here. Thank you for watching. 5 00:00:08,542 --> 00:00:10,744 [ Cheers and applause ] Thank you for being here. 6 00:00:10,744 --> 00:00:12,446 Let's get to some news, everybody. 7 00:00:12,446 --> 00:00:14,248 Well, guys, according to a new poll, 8 00:00:14,248 --> 00:00:15,849 President Trump's approval rating 9 00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:18,252 just dropped to a record low. 10 00:00:18,252 --> 00:00:19,419 -Ooh! 11 00:00:19,419 --> 00:00:21,488 -Yeah, it's -- it's exciting. 12 00:00:21,488 --> 00:00:24,558 If it goes any lower, it'll match the actual price of gas. 13 00:00:24,558 --> 00:00:25,993 -Oh. -Yeah. 14 00:00:25,993 --> 00:00:28,462 [ As Trump ] We're going to meet at 19. 15 00:00:28,462 --> 00:00:32,499 [ Normal voice ] Yep, Trump's approval rating is down to 34%. 16 00:00:32,499 --> 00:00:35,536 Yeah. Just to give you an idea, Jeffrey Epstein's at 35%. 17 00:00:35,536 --> 00:00:38,238 So I think... 18 00:00:38,238 --> 00:00:40,507 I don't get it. TSA lines are four hours long. 19 00:00:40,507 --> 00:00:41,775 Gas costs more than gold. 20 00:00:41,775 --> 00:00:43,544 We just started a war in the Middle East. 21 00:00:43,544 --> 00:00:45,712 I mean, what do people want from this guy? 22 00:00:47,414 --> 00:00:49,750 Meanwhile, the U.S. has now entered its fourth week 23 00:00:49,750 --> 00:00:52,753 in the war with Iran, and the White House 24 00:00:52,753 --> 00:00:54,922 still doesn't appear to have an exit strategy. 25 00:00:54,922 --> 00:00:56,423 It feels like being stuck in an escape room 26 00:00:56,423 --> 00:00:58,525 with your dumbest friends. 27 00:00:58,525 --> 00:01:02,496 "Clue! Clue! We need a clue." 28 00:01:02,496 --> 00:01:04,631 "Open the drawer. Open the drawer again." 29 00:01:04,631 --> 00:01:07,334 "Clue!" "No, the other drawer." 30 00:01:08,335 --> 00:01:11,572 And today, Trump said the Strait of Hormuz could open very soon, 31 00:01:11,572 --> 00:01:13,574 and it might be jointly controlled by himself 32 00:01:13,574 --> 00:01:15,175 and the new Ayatollah. 33 00:01:16,243 --> 00:01:17,711 You know Trump's in control 34 00:01:17,711 --> 00:01:21,081 when he turns the whole strait into a giant lazy river. 35 00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:24,218 Meanwhile, Trump said the U.S. is talking with a top person 36 00:01:24,218 --> 00:01:26,687 in Iran, but not the Supreme Leader. 37 00:01:26,687 --> 00:01:29,990 Or, as that's also known, not the top person. 38 00:01:31,525 --> 00:01:33,727 Yep, we're now in week four of the war in Iran, 39 00:01:33,727 --> 00:01:35,829 so we thought we'd catch you up on everything that's happened, 40 00:01:35,829 --> 00:01:38,198 and there's no better way to understand the situation 41 00:01:38,198 --> 00:01:40,200 than by using Trump's own words. 42 00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:42,169 He's always explaining things so clearly. 43 00:01:42,169 --> 00:01:44,037 So I'll show you what I mean. 44 00:01:45,005 --> 00:01:47,541 At first, Trump said that he'd defeat Iran very quickly, 45 00:01:47,541 --> 00:01:48,642 or, as he put it... 46 00:01:48,642 --> 00:01:51,144 -Bing, bing, bing, shiii! 47 00:01:51,144 --> 00:01:53,046 It's gone. It's amazing. 48 00:01:53,981 --> 00:01:55,983 -He ordered a military campaign costing 49 00:01:55,983 --> 00:01:58,418 billions of dollars a day, or, as he put it... 50 00:01:58,418 --> 00:02:00,187 -Bing, bing, bing. 51 00:02:00,187 --> 00:02:01,655 Missile launch, missile launch. 52 00:02:01,655 --> 00:02:03,257 Bing, whoo, boom. 53 00:02:08,195 --> 00:02:10,497 -But Iran closed the Strait of Hormuz, 54 00:02:10,497 --> 00:02:12,466 and gas prices began to skyrocket, 55 00:02:12,466 --> 00:02:13,500 or, as he put it... 56 00:02:13,500 --> 00:02:15,369 -They're like this. 57 00:02:15,369 --> 00:02:17,804 And we're like ding...boom. 58 00:02:17,804 --> 00:02:20,274 This is me. I hear "bing." 59 00:02:22,910 --> 00:02:24,778 -Other countries are refusing to help, 60 00:02:24,778 --> 00:02:26,980 so the U.S. has to do all the heavy lifting, 61 00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:28,215 or, as he put it... 62 00:02:28,215 --> 00:02:29,216 -Ah. 63 00:02:29,216 --> 00:02:30,484 Ahhh! 64 00:02:30,484 --> 00:02:32,119 Aaah! 65 00:02:32,119 --> 00:02:33,520 Ohhhh! 66 00:02:35,055 --> 00:02:37,391 -And now he's thinking about sending in troops, 67 00:02:37,391 --> 00:02:38,425 or, as he put it... 68 00:02:38,425 --> 00:02:41,695 -Ding, ding, ding. Hello? 69 00:02:41,695 --> 00:02:43,497 Where do I drop these people? 70 00:02:44,898 --> 00:02:46,600 -So, now here we are four weeks in, 71 00:02:46,600 --> 00:02:48,268 and Trump still doesn't have an exit plan, 72 00:02:48,268 --> 00:02:49,570 or, as he put it... 73 00:02:49,570 --> 00:02:51,939 -Take me home, mommy. This is too tough for me. 74 00:02:51,939 --> 00:02:53,407 -Right. That clears everything up. 75 00:02:53,407 --> 00:02:55,108 Thank you. 76 00:02:55,108 --> 00:02:57,110 [ Cheers and applause ] 77 00:03:00,047 --> 00:03:02,482 Bing, bing, bing, bing, bom, boom, boom, bing, boom. 78 00:03:02,482 --> 00:03:04,418 Bing, bing, bing. 79 00:03:04,418 --> 00:03:06,186 Some more news today. 80 00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:09,489 Trump was in Memphis, and he visited Elvis's Graceland home. 81 00:03:09,489 --> 00:03:10,691 Yeah. And this is nice. 82 00:03:10,691 --> 00:03:12,159 In honor of Elvis, Trump forced Marco Rubio 83 00:03:12,159 --> 00:03:14,995 to wear a pair of oversized blue suede shoes. 84 00:03:18,632 --> 00:03:22,102 Did you guys see this? Did you guys see this? 85 00:03:22,102 --> 00:03:24,838 The commission of -- [ Laughter ] 86 00:03:24,838 --> 00:03:27,574 -Oh, my God! -Did you guys see this? 87 00:03:27,574 --> 00:03:29,610 The Commission of Fine Arts just approved a commemorative 88 00:03:29,610 --> 00:03:31,411 gold coin of President Trump 89 00:03:31,411 --> 00:03:33,647 for the country's 250th anniversary. 90 00:03:33,647 --> 00:03:34,648 Can we see it? 91 00:03:35,349 --> 00:03:37,451 Ugh. 92 00:03:37,451 --> 00:03:39,786 That's heads, but can we see tails? 93 00:03:39,786 --> 00:03:41,455 Oh, there you go. Hey, not bad. 94 00:03:41,455 --> 00:03:42,823 Ooh. -Wow! 95 00:03:42,823 --> 00:03:44,224 -Nice. 96 00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:45,792 [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ 97 00:03:45,792 --> 00:03:47,628 -Bing, bing, boom. 98 00:03:47,628 --> 00:03:50,464 -Meanwhile, the TSA staffing shortage is still causing 99 00:03:50,464 --> 00:03:52,633 crazy-long security lines at airports, 100 00:03:52,633 --> 00:03:54,501 so today, the Trump administration decided 101 00:03:54,501 --> 00:03:58,038 it would be super-helpful to send in ICE agents. 102 00:03:58,038 --> 00:03:59,873 For more on this, 103 00:03:59,873 --> 00:04:01,942 please welcome the Trump administration spokesman, 104 00:04:01,942 --> 00:04:02,943 Tim Garrison. 105 00:04:04,011 --> 00:04:06,046 -Thanks for having me. 106 00:04:06,046 --> 00:04:09,616 -So, Tim, explain to us how putting ICE agents 107 00:04:09,616 --> 00:04:12,419 in airports will help long TSA lines. 108 00:04:12,419 --> 00:04:14,054 -Well, it's simple, Jimmy. 109 00:04:14,054 --> 00:04:16,390 When you take something people hate 110 00:04:16,390 --> 00:04:19,092 and you add a second thing people hate, 111 00:04:19,092 --> 00:04:23,830 they cancel each other out and you get something people love. 112 00:04:23,830 --> 00:04:25,966 -Yeah, I don't know if that's true. 113 00:04:25,966 --> 00:04:29,102 -That's why we're adding ICE to the TSA. 114 00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:33,507 And it's also why we're putting the DMV in charge of the IRS. 115 00:04:33,507 --> 00:04:36,677 -Wait. No, I'm sorry, but that is just a bad idea. 116 00:04:36,677 --> 00:04:41,114 -Exactly. I mean, it is so bad, it's good. 117 00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:44,618 You know, like White Castle or the movie "Mamma Mia!" 118 00:04:44,618 --> 00:04:47,988 -I'm pretty sure you're just making bad situations worse. 119 00:04:47,988 --> 00:04:51,291 -Jimmy, have you ever imagined what it would be like 120 00:04:51,291 --> 00:04:54,328 if your cable company was also your dentist? 121 00:04:55,195 --> 00:04:57,064 -That's an actual nightmare I've actually had. 122 00:04:57,064 --> 00:04:58,866 Look, all people want is to be able to buy plane tickets 123 00:04:58,866 --> 00:05:00,501 and get on a plane. 124 00:05:00,501 --> 00:05:02,603 -And that's exactly why we're sending 125 00:05:02,603 --> 00:05:05,939 in a new organization to help people buy plane tickets. 126 00:05:05,939 --> 00:05:07,441 -Please don't say it. 127 00:05:07,441 --> 00:05:08,942 -Ticketmaster. -Okay, thank you very much. 128 00:05:08,942 --> 00:05:11,512 A Trump White House spokesman, everybody. 129 00:05:11,512 --> 00:05:13,514 -Two wrongs make a right. -That's not how the saying goes. 130 00:05:13,514 --> 00:05:17,150 -Two wrongs make a right. Two wrongs, one right. 131 00:05:17,150 --> 00:05:18,385 -Guys, listen to this. 132 00:05:18,385 --> 00:05:22,189 I read that Kim Jong Un just won 99.9% of the vote 133 00:05:22,189 --> 00:05:23,957 in North Korea's election. 134 00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:27,694 Over there, that's called a nail-biter. 135 00:05:27,694 --> 00:05:30,030 Kim was like, "Make it 99.9, because if it's 100, 136 00:05:30,030 --> 00:05:32,199 people might think it's rigged." 137 00:05:32,199 --> 00:05:33,967 Switching gears to some entertainment news, 138 00:05:33,967 --> 00:05:36,570 "Project Hail Mary" had a huge opening weekend, 139 00:05:36,570 --> 00:05:40,207 bringing in $140 million at the box office. 140 00:05:40,207 --> 00:05:42,142 The reviews are great, by the way. 141 00:05:42,142 --> 00:05:43,177 Check out what they say. 142 00:05:43,177 --> 00:05:44,411 For instance, this review called it... 143 00:05:47,247 --> 00:05:49,917 Oh, hang on. That's actually a review for every TSA line. 144 00:05:49,917 --> 00:05:50,918 Sorry. 145 00:05:51,985 --> 00:05:53,120 Next up, this review said... 146 00:05:56,456 --> 00:05:58,692 Yeah. Oh, actually, that's a review for... 147 00:06:01,128 --> 00:06:03,430 Sorry. Let's get to the real reviews. This review says... 148 00:06:06,333 --> 00:06:08,802 Hang on. That's about Kevin Hart's wax statue. 149 00:06:08,802 --> 00:06:09,803 -Wow. 150 00:06:10,904 --> 00:06:12,472 -Here's a review right here. It says... 151 00:06:13,607 --> 00:06:14,708 Oh, hang on. That's about... 152 00:06:20,914 --> 00:06:24,318 -Five stars. Come on. -That's alright. Take your time. 153 00:06:24,318 --> 00:06:26,820 Take your time with that one. -My people. Right. 154 00:06:26,820 --> 00:06:28,689 -Take your time on that one, enjoy it when you want. 155 00:06:28,689 --> 00:06:30,123 -Take it home. -Enjoy it. 156 00:06:30,123 --> 00:06:31,792 Take it home with you. Yeah, enjoy it whenever you want. 157 00:06:31,792 --> 00:06:32,893 -Pack it up. 158 00:06:32,893 --> 00:06:34,127 -This is the review right here. It said... 159 00:06:37,130 --> 00:06:38,265 Oh, hang on. That's actually... 160 00:06:39,566 --> 00:06:42,669 Sorry. This... Finally, this review said... 161 00:06:45,639 --> 00:06:46,640 Hang on. That's about... 162 00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:51,578 Sorry. Interesting reviews. I'll get to them eventually. 163 00:06:51,578 --> 00:06:54,381 It was a good movie. 164 00:06:54,381 --> 00:06:56,450 And, finally, Minnesota is proposing 165 00:06:56,450 --> 00:06:58,185 a grandparents happy-hour bill 166 00:06:58,185 --> 00:07:01,321 that would let senior homes serve alcohol without a permit. 167 00:07:01,321 --> 00:07:04,525 -Oh. -Yeah, I like that. 168 00:07:04,525 --> 00:07:06,860 Soon, bouncers are gonna be like, "Uh, I don't know. 169 00:07:06,860 --> 00:07:08,395 You don't look 84." 170 00:07:08,395 --> 00:07:09,663 We have a great show. 171 00:07:09,663 --> 00:07:11,098 Give it up for The Roots, ladies and gentlemen. 172 00:07:11,098 --> 00:07:13,100 [ Cheers and applause ] 173 00:07:13,100 --> 00:07:22,643 ♪♪ 174 00:07:22,643 --> 00:07:25,179 Welcome to the show, everybody. Just a quick reminder. 175 00:07:25,179 --> 00:07:27,681 This Wednesday, we have an episode you don't want to miss. 176 00:07:27,681 --> 00:07:30,083 Our guests are the biggest pop group in the world. 177 00:07:30,083 --> 00:07:34,021 BTS will be here Wednesday. [ Cheers and applause ] 178 00:07:34,021 --> 00:07:35,389 They're back after four years. 179 00:07:35,389 --> 00:07:36,523 We're going to catch up with them. 180 00:07:36,523 --> 00:07:38,358 We've got some really fun stuff planned, 181 00:07:38,358 --> 00:07:40,794 and they're performing songs off their newest album. 182 00:07:40,794 --> 00:07:42,763 This is Wednesday and Thursday. 183 00:07:42,763 --> 00:07:44,865 BTS on "The Tonight Show" this week. 184 00:07:44,865 --> 00:07:46,967 [ Cheers and applause ] 185 00:07:46,967 --> 00:07:49,469 But first, what a show we have for you tonight. 186 00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:52,005 They star in the Broadway production of 187 00:07:52,005 --> 00:07:53,841 "Joe Turner's Come and Gone." 188 00:07:53,841 --> 00:07:56,510 Taraji P. Henson and Cedric the Entertainer 189 00:07:56,510 --> 00:07:57,578 are here tonight! 190 00:07:57,578 --> 00:07:59,279 -Come on. 191 00:07:59,279 --> 00:08:01,648 -Love them both. 192 00:08:01,648 --> 00:08:03,917 He's a Rock & Roll Hall of Famer 193 00:08:03,917 --> 00:08:05,752 from the Red Hot Chili Peppers 194 00:08:05,752 --> 00:08:08,055 and one of the greatest bass players of all time. 195 00:08:08,055 --> 00:08:11,992 His debut solo album, "Honora," comes out this Friday. 196 00:08:11,992 --> 00:08:15,762 Flea is joining us to talk and perform! 197 00:08:15,762 --> 00:08:17,364 [ Cheers and applause ] 198 00:08:17,364 --> 00:08:21,702 [ Bass playing "Higher Ground" ] 199 00:08:21,702 --> 00:08:23,103 How'd you know? 200 00:08:23,103 --> 00:08:24,638 How'd you know that was the one I was doing? 201 00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:27,508 [ Vocalizing bass line ] 202 00:08:27,508 --> 00:08:29,977 [ Bass playing "Higher Ground" ] 203 00:08:36,583 --> 00:08:38,919 -Flea is on the show tonight. 204 00:08:38,919 --> 00:08:41,488 [ Cheers and applause ] 205 00:08:41,488 --> 00:08:44,224 "Honora." He's the best. I love that dude. 206 00:08:44,224 --> 00:08:46,326 Oh, plus, she stars in the new series 207 00:08:46,326 --> 00:08:48,529 "Something Very Bad is Going to Happen." 208 00:08:48,529 --> 00:08:49,930 -Ooh! -It's going to be a big show. 209 00:08:49,930 --> 00:08:52,599 -All eight episodes premiere this Thursday on Netflix. 210 00:08:52,599 --> 00:08:55,502 Camila Morrone is here tonight. 211 00:08:55,502 --> 00:08:56,937 Camila! 212 00:08:56,937 --> 00:09:00,774 [ Cheers and applause ] 213 00:09:00,774 --> 00:09:02,009 I had a fun weekend. 214 00:09:02,009 --> 00:09:04,411 I've been seeing a lot of videos online of 215 00:09:04,411 --> 00:09:07,114 grandmas making these crocheted toilet-paper doilies. 216 00:09:07,114 --> 00:09:08,282 -Oh, yeah. 217 00:09:08,282 --> 00:09:09,750 -And they're really charming, and it's funny. 218 00:09:09,750 --> 00:09:11,318 And I thought it'd be fun to show some of my favorites 219 00:09:11,318 --> 00:09:13,687 in a new segment called "Nana's Knittables." 220 00:09:13,687 --> 00:09:15,489 -♪ "Nana's Knittables" ♪ 221 00:09:15,489 --> 00:09:16,924 ♪ Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na ♪ 222 00:09:16,924 --> 00:09:18,358 ♪ Na ♪ -Yeah. 223 00:09:18,358 --> 00:09:19,826 -All right, let's have a look at this 224 00:09:19,826 --> 00:09:22,329 first YouTube video here for -- 225 00:09:22,329 --> 00:09:26,700 Ooh! Oh, it's one of those CAPTCHA things. 226 00:09:26,700 --> 00:09:28,735 -We can cut that out. -Should I just do it? 227 00:09:28,735 --> 00:09:30,170 -Yeah. -Get it over with? 228 00:09:30,170 --> 00:09:32,172 Identify the stop signs. Alright, here you go. 229 00:09:32,172 --> 00:09:34,708 This one, this one, this one, this one. 230 00:09:34,708 --> 00:09:36,810 Yeah, it's easy. Alright, here we go. 231 00:09:36,810 --> 00:09:37,811 Alright. 232 00:09:40,013 --> 00:09:41,348 "Click 'I'm not a robot.'" 233 00:09:41,348 --> 00:09:42,683 Sure. 234 00:09:42,683 --> 00:09:44,084 [ Ding ] 235 00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:45,786 Okay, here we go. 236 00:09:45,786 --> 00:09:48,755 "Say 'Yes' or 'No.'" Uh... 237 00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:50,490 Yes. 238 00:09:50,490 --> 00:09:51,758 [ Buzz ] 239 00:09:53,060 --> 00:09:55,162 I'm not a robot. I'm not. 240 00:09:55,162 --> 00:09:56,697 This is -- Come on. 241 00:09:57,831 --> 00:10:00,400 "Please identify: the end of the Scotch tape roll." 242 00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:03,937 I -- How could I -- In real life, I can't do... 243 00:10:05,038 --> 00:10:08,275 This, this, this, and this. 244 00:10:08,275 --> 00:10:09,877 Alright, let's do... [ Ding ] 245 00:10:09,877 --> 00:10:11,678 -Oh. Okay. 246 00:10:11,678 --> 00:10:14,014 -"Please identify who ate in this outfit." 247 00:10:14,014 --> 00:10:17,451 They all look -- They all look like they're eating. 248 00:10:17,451 --> 00:10:22,022 Oh, gosh, I'd say her, her, her, and her. 249 00:10:22,022 --> 00:10:24,224 [ Ding ] Perfect. Let's do it. 250 00:10:24,224 --> 00:10:27,160 "How would you whistle to get this bird's attention?" 251 00:10:28,195 --> 00:10:30,531 -Wow! -[ Whistles ] 252 00:10:30,531 --> 00:10:32,432 [ Ding ] -Oh, there you go. 253 00:10:32,432 --> 00:10:35,269 -I can't win. Look, let's just go -- 254 00:10:35,269 --> 00:10:37,804 "Identify the people who regret getting a second cat." 255 00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:43,443 I mean, I'd say her, her, her. 256 00:10:43,443 --> 00:10:45,012 Let's go. [ Ding ] 257 00:10:45,012 --> 00:10:46,380 Perfect. Alright, good. 258 00:10:46,380 --> 00:10:48,182 "Please identify all the squares that were supposed to have 259 00:10:48,182 --> 00:10:50,250 buses in them, but the bus is running late." 260 00:10:50,250 --> 00:10:53,153 Guys, we got -- How would I even possibly... 261 00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:57,524 Sure. This one, this one, this one, and this one. 262 00:10:57,524 --> 00:10:59,293 Yeah. Perfect. Great. 263 00:10:59,293 --> 00:11:02,563 -Okay, great. -"Tell me I'm beautiful." 264 00:11:02,563 --> 00:11:04,531 You're beautiful. 265 00:11:04,531 --> 00:11:05,699 [ Buzz ] 266 00:11:09,369 --> 00:11:10,637 You're beautiful. 267 00:11:10,637 --> 00:11:11,972 [ Ding ] 268 00:11:20,414 --> 00:11:22,850 How could I possibly... -That one for sure. 269 00:11:22,850 --> 00:11:24,751 -Oh, I'll go -- Yeah, well, that one definitely. 270 00:11:24,751 --> 00:11:26,987 Yeah, yeah. And then that one. And this one. 271 00:11:26,987 --> 00:11:28,222 There you go. [ Ding ] 272 00:11:28,222 --> 00:11:30,591 Alright, perfect. Alright, thank you. 273 00:11:30,591 --> 00:11:32,092 "The shower knob that makes sense." 274 00:11:32,092 --> 00:11:33,961 None of them. They never make sense. 275 00:11:33,961 --> 00:11:36,129 I don't know. Uh...this one. 276 00:11:36,129 --> 00:11:39,032 [ Ding ] Is that right? 277 00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:42,669 "Coconuts that secretly have a crush on a bowling ball." 278 00:11:42,669 --> 00:11:46,106 This one, this one, this one, and this one. 279 00:11:46,106 --> 00:11:47,207 [ Ding ] 280 00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:48,809 We did it. Alright, we did it. Finally! 281 00:11:48,809 --> 00:11:51,845 [ Cheers and applause ] 282 00:11:51,845 --> 00:11:53,680 Unfortunately, we're out of time, 283 00:11:53,680 --> 00:11:55,516 so we'll have to look at toilet doilies next week. 284 00:11:55,516 --> 00:11:56,917 Stick around. We'll be right back with 285 00:11:56,917 --> 00:11:59,186 Taraji P. Henson and Cedric the Entertainer. 20149

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