Original subtitles

-I love you. Enjoy yourself, everybody.

Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to

"The Tonight Show."

You're here. Thank you for watching.

[ Cheers and applause ] Thank you for being here.

Let's get to some news, everybody.

Well, guys, according to a new poll,

President Trump's approval rating

just dropped to a record low.

-Ooh!

-Yeah, it's -- it's exciting.

If it goes any lower, it'll match the actual price of gas.

-Oh. -Yeah.

[ As Trump ] We're going to meet at 19.

[ Normal voice ] Yep, Trump's approval rating is down to 34%.

Yeah. Just to give you an idea, Jeffrey Epstein's at 35%.

So I think...

I don't get it. TSA lines are four hours long.

Gas costs more than gold.

We just started a war in the Middle East.

I mean, what do people want from this guy?

Meanwhile, the U.S. has now entered its fourth week

in the war with Iran, and the White House

still doesn't appear to have an exit strategy.

It feels like being stuck in an escape room

with your dumbest friends.

"Clue! Clue! We need a clue."

"Open the drawer. Open the drawer again."

"Clue!" "No, the other drawer."

And today, Trump said the Strait of Hormuz could open very soon,

and it might be jointly controlled by himself

and the new Ayatollah.

You know Trump's in control

when he turns the whole strait into a giant lazy river.

Meanwhile, Trump said the U.S. is talking with a top person

in Iran, but not the Supreme Leader.

Or, as that's also known, not the top person.

Yep, we're now in week four of the war in Iran,

so we thought we'd catch you up on everything that's happened,

and there's no better way to understand the situation

than by using Trump's own words.

He's always explaining things so clearly.

So I'll show you what I mean.

At first, Trump said that he'd defeat Iran very quickly,

or, as he put it...

-Bing, bing, bing, shiii!

It's gone. It's amazing.

-He ordered a military campaign costing

billions of dollars a day, or, as he put it...

-Bing, bing, bing.

Missile launch, missile launch.

Bing, whoo, boom.

-But Iran closed the Strait of Hormuz,

and gas prices began to skyrocket,

or, as he put it...

-They're like this.

And we're like ding...boom.

This is me. I hear "bing."

-Other countries are refusing to help,

so the U.S. has to do all the heavy lifting,

or, as he put it...

-Ah.

Ahhh!

Aaah!

Ohhhh!

-And now he's thinking about sending in troops,

or, as he put it...

-Ding, ding, ding. Hello?

Where do I drop these people?

-So, now here we are four weeks in,

and Trump still doesn't have an exit plan,

or, as he put it...

-Take me home, mommy. This is too tough for me.

-Right. That clears everything up.

Thank you.

[ Cheers and applause ]

Bing, bing, bing, bing, bom, boom, boom, bing, boom.

Bing, bing, bing.

Some more news today.

Trump was in Memphis, and he visited Elvis's Graceland home.

Yeah. And this is nice.

In honor of Elvis, Trump forced Marco Rubio

to wear a pair of oversized blue suede shoes.

Did you guys see this? Did you guys see this?

The commission of -- [ Laughter ]

-Oh, my God! -Did you guys see this?

The Commission of Fine Arts just approved a commemorative

gold coin of President Trump

for the country's 250th anniversary.

Can we see it?

Ugh.

That's heads, but can we see tails?

Oh, there you go. Hey, not bad.

Ooh. -Wow!

-Nice.

[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪

-Bing, bing, boom.

-Meanwhile, the TSA staffing shortage is still causing

crazy-long security lines at airports,

so today, the Trump administration decided

it would be super-helpful to send in ICE agents.

For more on this,

please welcome the Trump administration spokesman,

Tim Garrison.

-Thanks for having me.

-So, Tim, explain to us how putting ICE agents

in airports will help long TSA lines.

-Well, it's simple, Jimmy.

When you take something people hate

and you add a second thing people hate,

they cancel each other out and you get something people love.

-Yeah, I don't know if that's true.

-That's why we're adding ICE to the TSA.

And it's also why we're putting the DMV in charge of the IRS.

-Wait. No, I'm sorry, but that is just a bad idea.

-Exactly. I mean, it is so bad, it's good.

You know, like White Castle or the movie "Mamma Mia!"

-I'm pretty sure you're just making bad situations worse.

-Jimmy, have you ever imagined what it would be like

if your cable company was also your dentist?

-That's an actual nightmare I've actually had.

Look, all people want is to be able to buy plane tickets

and get on a plane.

-And that's exactly why we're sending

in a new organization to help people buy plane tickets.

-Please don't say it.

-Ticketmaster. -Okay, thank you very much.

A Trump White House spokesman, everybody.

-Two wrongs make a right. -That's not how the saying goes.

-Two wrongs make a right. Two wrongs, one right.

-Guys, listen to this.

I read that Kim Jong Un just won 99.9% of the vote

in North Korea's election.

Over there, that's called a nail-biter.

Kim was like, "Make it 99.9, because if it's 100,

people might think it's rigged."

Switching gears to some entertainment news,

"Project Hail Mary" had a huge opening weekend,

bringing in $140 million at the box office.

The reviews are great, by the way.

Check out what they say.

For instance, this review called it...

Oh, hang on. That's actually a review for every TSA line.

Sorry.

Next up, this review said...

Yeah. Oh, actually, that's a review for...

Sorry. Let's get to the real reviews. This review says...

Hang on. That's about Kevin Hart's wax statue.

-Wow.

-Here's a review right here. It says...

Oh, hang on. That's about...

-Five stars. Come on. -That's alright. Take your time.

Take your time with that one. -My people. Right.

-Take your time on that one, enjoy it when you want.

-Take it home. -Enjoy it.

Take it home with you. Yeah, enjoy it whenever you want.

-Pack it up.

-This is the review right here. It said...

Oh, hang on. That's actually...

Sorry. This... Finally, this review said...

Hang on. That's about...

Sorry. Interesting reviews. I'll get to them eventually.

It was a good movie.

And, finally, Minnesota is proposing

a grandparents happy-hour bill

that would let senior homes serve alcohol without a permit.

-Oh. -Yeah, I like that.

Soon, bouncers are gonna be like, "Uh, I don't know.

You don't look 84."

We have a great show.

Give it up for The Roots, ladies and gentlemen.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Welcome to the show, everybody. Just a quick reminder.

This Wednesday, we have an episode you don't want to miss.

Our guests are the biggest pop group in the world.

BTS will be here Wednesday. [ Cheers and applause ]

They're back after four years.

We're going to catch up with them.

We've got some really fun stuff planned,

and they're performing songs off their newest album.

This is Wednesday and Thursday.

BTS on "The Tonight Show" this week.

[ Cheers and applause ]

But first, what a show we have for you tonight.

They star in the Broadway production of

"Joe Turner's Come and Gone."

Taraji P. Henson and Cedric the Entertainer

are here tonight!

-Come on.

-Love them both.

He's a Rock & Roll Hall of Famer

from the Red Hot Chili Peppers

and one of the greatest bass players of all time.

His debut solo album, "Honora," comes out this Friday.

Flea is joining us to talk and perform!

[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Bass playing "Higher Ground" ]

How'd you know?

How'd you know that was the one I was doing?

[ Vocalizing bass line ]

[ Bass playing "Higher Ground" ]

-Flea is on the show tonight.

[ Cheers and applause ]

"Honora." He's the best. I love that dude.

Oh, plus, she stars in the new series

"Something Very Bad is Going to Happen."

-Ooh! -It's going to be a big show.

-All eight episodes premiere this Thursday on Netflix.

Camila Morrone is here tonight.

Camila!

[ Cheers and applause ]

I had a fun weekend.

I've been seeing a lot of videos online of

grandmas making these crocheted toilet-paper doilies.

-Oh, yeah.

-And they're really charming, and it's funny.

And I thought it'd be fun to show some of my favorites

in a new segment called "Nana's Knittables."

-♪ "Nana's Knittables" ♪

♪ Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na ♪

♪ Na ♪ -Yeah.

-All right, let's have a look at this

first YouTube video here for --

Ooh! Oh, it's one of those CAPTCHA things.

-We can cut that out. -Should I just do it?

-Yeah. -Get it over with?

Identify the stop signs. Alright, here you go.

This one, this one, this one, this one.

Yeah, it's easy. Alright, here we go.

Alright.

"Click 'I'm not a robot.'"

Sure.

[ Ding ]

Okay, here we go.

"Say 'Yes' or 'No.'" Uh...

Yes.

[ Buzz ]

I'm not a robot. I'm not.

This is -- Come on.

"Please identify: the end of the Scotch tape roll."

I -- How could I -- In real life, I can't do...

This, this, this, and this.

Alright, let's do... [ Ding ]

-Oh. Okay.

-"Please identify who ate in this outfit."

They all look -- They all look like they're eating.

Oh, gosh, I'd say her, her, her, and her.

[ Ding ] Perfect. Let's do it.

"How would you whistle to get this bird's attention?"

-Wow! -[ Whistles ]

[ Ding ] -Oh, there you go.

-I can't win. Look, let's just go --

"Identify the people who regret getting a second cat."

I mean, I'd say her, her, her.

Let's go. [ Ding ]

Perfect. Alright, good.

"Please identify all the squares that were supposed to have

buses in them, but the bus is running late."

Guys, we got -- How would I even possibly...

Sure. This one, this one, this one, and this one.

Yeah. Perfect. Great.

-Okay, great. -"Tell me I'm beautiful."

You're beautiful.

[ Buzz ]

You're beautiful.

[ Ding ]

How could I possibly... -That one for sure.

-Oh, I'll go -- Yeah, well, that one definitely.

Yeah, yeah. And then that one. And this one.

There you go. [ Ding ]

Alright, perfect. Alright, thank you.

"The shower knob that makes sense."

None of them. They never make sense.

I don't know. Uh...this one.

[ Ding ] Is that right?

"Coconuts that secretly have a crush on a bowling ball."

This one, this one, this one, and this one.

[ Ding ]

We did it. Alright, we did it. Finally!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Unfortunately, we're out of time,

so we'll have to look at toilet doilies next week.

Stick around. We'll be right back with

Taraji P. Henson and Cedric the Entertainer.