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1
00:00:01,301 --> 00:00:02,536
-I love you.
Enjoy yourself, everybody.
2
00:00:02,536 --> 00:00:04,671
Welcome, welcome, welcome,
welcome, welcome to
3
00:00:04,671 --> 00:00:06,173
"The Tonight Show."
4
00:00:06,173 --> 00:00:08,542
You're here.
Thank you for watching.
5
00:00:08,542 --> 00:00:10,744
[ Cheers and applause ]
Thank you for being here.
6
00:00:10,744 --> 00:00:12,446
Let's get to some news,
everybody.
7
00:00:12,446 --> 00:00:14,248
Well, guys,
according to a new poll,
8
00:00:14,248 --> 00:00:15,849
President Trump's
approval rating
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00:00:15,849 --> 00:00:18,252
just dropped to a record low.
10
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-Ooh!
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00:00:19,419 --> 00:00:21,488
-Yeah, it's -- it's exciting.
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If it goes any lower, it'll
match the actual price of gas.
13
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-Oh.
-Yeah.
14
00:00:25,993 --> 00:00:28,462
[ As Trump ]
We're going to meet at 19.
15
00:00:28,462 --> 00:00:32,499
[ Normal voice ] Yep, Trump's
approval rating is down to 34%.
16
00:00:32,499 --> 00:00:35,536
Yeah. Just to give you an idea,
Jeffrey Epstein's at 35%.
17
00:00:35,536 --> 00:00:38,238
So I think...
18
00:00:38,238 --> 00:00:40,507
I don't get it.
TSA lines are four hours long.
19
00:00:40,507 --> 00:00:41,775
Gas costs more than gold.
20
00:00:41,775 --> 00:00:43,544
We just started a war
in the Middle East.
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I mean, what do people want
from this guy?
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Meanwhile, the U.S.
has now entered its fourth week
23
00:00:49,750 --> 00:00:52,753
in the war with Iran,
and the White House
24
00:00:52,753 --> 00:00:54,922
still doesn't appear
to have an exit strategy.
25
00:00:54,922 --> 00:00:56,423
It feels like being stuck
in an escape room
26
00:00:56,423 --> 00:00:58,525
with your dumbest friends.
27
00:00:58,525 --> 00:01:02,496
"Clue! Clue!
We need a clue."
28
00:01:02,496 --> 00:01:04,631
"Open the drawer.
Open the drawer again."
29
00:01:04,631 --> 00:01:07,334
"Clue!"
"No, the other drawer."
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00:01:08,335 --> 00:01:11,572
And today, Trump said the Strait
of Hormuz could open very soon,
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and it might be
jointly controlled by himself
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and the new Ayatollah.
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You know Trump's in control
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when he turns the whole strait
into a giant lazy river.
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Meanwhile, Trump said the U.S.
is talking with a top person
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00:01:24,218 --> 00:01:26,687
in Iran,
but not the Supreme Leader.
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Or, as that's also known,
not the top person.
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00:01:31,525 --> 00:01:33,727
Yep, we're now in week four
of the war in Iran,
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so we thought we'd catch you up
on everything that's happened,
40
00:01:35,829 --> 00:01:38,198
and there's no better way
to understand the situation
41
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than by using Trump's own words.
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He's always explaining
things so clearly.
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So I'll show you what I mean.
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At first, Trump said that he'd
defeat Iran very quickly,
45
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or, as he put it...
46
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-Bing, bing, bing, shiii!
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It's gone. It's amazing.
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-He ordered
a military campaign costing
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billions of dollars a day,
or, as he put it...
50
00:01:58,418 --> 00:02:00,187
-Bing, bing, bing.
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00:02:00,187 --> 00:02:01,655
Missile launch,
missile launch.
52
00:02:01,655 --> 00:02:03,257
Bing, whoo, boom.
53
00:02:08,195 --> 00:02:10,497
-But Iran closed
the Strait of Hormuz,
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00:02:10,497 --> 00:02:12,466
and gas prices
began to skyrocket,
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or, as he put it...
56
00:02:13,500 --> 00:02:15,369
-They're like this.
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And we're like
ding...boom.
58
00:02:17,804 --> 00:02:20,274
This is me.
I hear "bing."
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-Other countries
are refusing to help,
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so the U.S. has to do
all the heavy lifting,
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or, as he put it...
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-Ah.
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Ahhh!
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Aaah!
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Ohhhh!
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-And now he's thinking about
sending in troops,
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or, as he put it...
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-Ding, ding, ding.
Hello?
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Where do I drop these people?
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-So, now here we are
four weeks in,
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and Trump still
doesn't have an exit plan,
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or, as he put it...
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-Take me home, mommy.
This is too tough for me.
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-Right.
That clears everything up.
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00:02:53,407 --> 00:02:55,108
Thank you.
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00:02:55,108 --> 00:02:57,110
[ Cheers and applause ]
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Bing, bing, bing, bing, bom,
boom, boom, bing, boom.
78
00:03:02,482 --> 00:03:04,418
Bing, bing, bing.
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00:03:04,418 --> 00:03:06,186
Some more news today.
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00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:09,489
Trump was in Memphis, and he
visited Elvis's Graceland home.
81
00:03:09,489 --> 00:03:10,691
Yeah. And this is nice.
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In honor of Elvis,
Trump forced Marco Rubio
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to wear a pair
of oversized blue suede shoes.
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00:03:18,632 --> 00:03:22,102
Did you guys see this?
Did you guys see this?
85
00:03:22,102 --> 00:03:24,838
The commission of --
[ Laughter ]
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00:03:24,838 --> 00:03:27,574
-Oh, my God!
-Did you guys see this?
87
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The Commission of Fine Arts
just approved a commemorative
88
00:03:29,610 --> 00:03:31,411
gold coin of President Trump
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for the country's
250th anniversary.
90
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Can we see it?
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00:03:35,349 --> 00:03:37,451
Ugh.
92
00:03:37,451 --> 00:03:39,786
That's heads,
but can we see tails?
93
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Oh, there you go.
Hey, not bad.
94
00:03:41,455 --> 00:03:42,823
Ooh.
-Wow!
95
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-Nice.
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[ Cheers and applause ]
♪♪
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-Bing, bing, boom.
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-Meanwhile, the TSA staffing
shortage is still causing
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crazy-long security lines
at airports,
100
00:03:52,633 --> 00:03:54,501
so today, the Trump
administration decided
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it would be super-helpful to
send in ICE agents.
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For more on this,
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please welcome the
Trump administration spokesman,
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Tim Garrison.
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-Thanks for having me.
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-So, Tim, explain to us
how putting ICE agents
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in airports
will help long TSA lines.
108
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-Well, it's simple, Jimmy.
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When you take something
people hate
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and you add a second thing
people hate,
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they cancel each other out and
you get something people love.
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-Yeah,
I don't know if that's true.
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-That's why we're adding ICE
to the TSA.
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And it's also why we're putting
the DMV in charge of the IRS.
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-Wait. No, I'm sorry,
but that is just a bad idea.
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-Exactly. I mean, it is so bad,
it's good.
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You know, like White Castle
or the movie "Mamma Mia!"
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-I'm pretty sure you're just
making bad situations worse.
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-Jimmy, have you ever
imagined what it would be like
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if your cable company was
also your dentist?
121
00:04:55,195 --> 00:04:57,064
-That's an actual nightmare
I've actually had.
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Look, all people want is
to be able to buy plane tickets
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and get on a plane.
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-And that's exactly
why we're sending
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in a new organization to help
people buy plane tickets.
126
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-Please don't say it.
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-Ticketmaster.
-Okay, thank you very much.
128
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A Trump White House spokesman,
everybody.
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-Two wrongs make a right.
-That's not how the saying goes.
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-Two wrongs make a right.
Two wrongs, one right.
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-Guys, listen to this.
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I read that Kim Jong Un
just won 99.9% of the vote
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in North Korea's election.
134
00:05:24,825 --> 00:05:27,694
Over there,
that's called a nail-biter.
135
00:05:27,694 --> 00:05:30,030
Kim was like, "Make it 99.9,
because if it's 100,
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people might think it's rigged."
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00:05:32,199 --> 00:05:33,967
Switching gears
to some entertainment news,
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"Project Hail Mary"
had a huge opening weekend,
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bringing in $140 million
at the box office.
140
00:05:40,207 --> 00:05:42,142
The reviews are great,
by the way.
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Check out what they say.
142
00:05:43,177 --> 00:05:44,411
For instance,
this review called it...
143
00:05:47,247 --> 00:05:49,917
Oh, hang on. That's actually
a review for every TSA line.
144
00:05:49,917 --> 00:05:50,918
Sorry.
145
00:05:51,985 --> 00:05:53,120
Next up, this review said...
146
00:05:56,456 --> 00:05:58,692
Yeah. Oh, actually,
that's a review for...
147
00:06:01,128 --> 00:06:03,430
Sorry. Let's get to the real
reviews. This review says...
148
00:06:06,333 --> 00:06:08,802
Hang on. That's about
Kevin Hart's wax statue.
149
00:06:08,802 --> 00:06:09,803
-Wow.
150
00:06:10,904 --> 00:06:12,472
-Here's a review right here.
It says...
151
00:06:13,607 --> 00:06:14,708
Oh, hang on.
That's about...
152
00:06:20,914 --> 00:06:24,318
-Five stars. Come on.
-That's alright. Take your time.
153
00:06:24,318 --> 00:06:26,820
Take your time with that one.
-My people. Right.
154
00:06:26,820 --> 00:06:28,689
-Take your time on that one,
enjoy it when you want.
155
00:06:28,689 --> 00:06:30,123
-Take it home.
-Enjoy it.
156
00:06:30,123 --> 00:06:31,792
Take it home with you. Yeah,
enjoy it whenever you want.
157
00:06:31,792 --> 00:06:32,893
-Pack it up.
158
00:06:32,893 --> 00:06:34,127
-This is the review right here.
It said...
159
00:06:37,130 --> 00:06:38,265
Oh, hang on.
That's actually...
160
00:06:39,566 --> 00:06:42,669
Sorry. This...
Finally, this review said...
161
00:06:45,639 --> 00:06:46,640
Hang on.
That's about...
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00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:51,578
Sorry. Interesting reviews.
I'll get to them eventually.
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It was a good movie.
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And, finally,
Minnesota is proposing
165
00:06:56,450 --> 00:06:58,185
a grandparents happy-hour bill
166
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that would let senior homes
serve alcohol without a permit.
167
00:07:01,321 --> 00:07:04,525
-Oh.
-Yeah, I like that.
168
00:07:04,525 --> 00:07:06,860
Soon, bouncers are gonna be
like, "Uh, I don't know.
169
00:07:06,860 --> 00:07:08,395
You don't look 84."
170
00:07:08,395 --> 00:07:09,663
We have a great show.
171
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Give it up for The Roots,
ladies and gentlemen.
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[ Cheers and applause ]
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♪♪
174
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Welcome to the show, everybody.
Just a quick reminder.
175
00:07:25,179 --> 00:07:27,681
This Wednesday, we have an
episode you don't want to miss.
176
00:07:27,681 --> 00:07:30,083
Our guests are the
biggest pop group in the world.
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00:07:30,083 --> 00:07:34,021
BTS will be here Wednesday.
[ Cheers and applause ]
178
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They're back after four years.
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00:07:35,389 --> 00:07:36,523
We're going to catch up
with them.
180
00:07:36,523 --> 00:07:38,358
We've got some
really fun stuff planned,
181
00:07:38,358 --> 00:07:40,794
and they're performing
songs off their newest album.
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00:07:40,794 --> 00:07:42,763
This is Wednesday and Thursday.
183
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BTS on "The Tonight Show"
this week.
184
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[ Cheers and applause ]
185
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But first, what a show
we have for you tonight.
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00:07:49,469 --> 00:07:52,005
They star in the
Broadway production of
187
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"Joe Turner's Come and Gone."
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00:07:53,841 --> 00:07:56,510
Taraji P. Henson and
Cedric the Entertainer
189
00:07:56,510 --> 00:07:57,578
are here tonight!
190
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-Come on.
191
00:07:59,279 --> 00:08:01,648
-Love them both.
192
00:08:01,648 --> 00:08:03,917
He's a Rock & Roll
Hall of Famer
193
00:08:03,917 --> 00:08:05,752
from the Red Hot Chili Peppers
194
00:08:05,752 --> 00:08:08,055
and one of the greatest
bass players of all time.
195
00:08:08,055 --> 00:08:11,992
His debut solo album, "Honora,"
comes out this Friday.
196
00:08:11,992 --> 00:08:15,762
Flea is joining us
to talk and perform!
197
00:08:15,762 --> 00:08:17,364
[ Cheers and applause ]
198
00:08:17,364 --> 00:08:21,702
[ Bass playing "Higher Ground" ]
199
00:08:21,702 --> 00:08:23,103
How'd you know?
200
00:08:23,103 --> 00:08:24,638
How'd you know
that was the one I was doing?
201
00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:27,508
[ Vocalizing bass line ]
202
00:08:27,508 --> 00:08:29,977
[ Bass playing "Higher Ground" ]
203
00:08:36,583 --> 00:08:38,919
-Flea is on the show tonight.
204
00:08:38,919 --> 00:08:41,488
[ Cheers and applause ]
205
00:08:41,488 --> 00:08:44,224
"Honora." He's the best.
I love that dude.
206
00:08:44,224 --> 00:08:46,326
Oh, plus,
she stars in the new series
207
00:08:46,326 --> 00:08:48,529
"Something Very Bad
is Going to Happen."
208
00:08:48,529 --> 00:08:49,930
-Ooh!
-It's going to be a big show.
209
00:08:49,930 --> 00:08:52,599
-All eight episodes premiere
this Thursday on Netflix.
210
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Camila Morrone is here tonight.
211
00:08:55,502 --> 00:08:56,937
Camila!
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00:08:56,937 --> 00:09:00,774
[ Cheers and applause ]
213
00:09:00,774 --> 00:09:02,009
I had a fun weekend.
214
00:09:02,009 --> 00:09:04,411
I've been seeing
a lot of videos online of
215
00:09:04,411 --> 00:09:07,114
grandmas making these
crocheted toilet-paper doilies.
216
00:09:07,114 --> 00:09:08,282
-Oh, yeah.
217
00:09:08,282 --> 00:09:09,750
-And they're really charming,
and it's funny.
218
00:09:09,750 --> 00:09:11,318
And I thought it'd be fun
to show some of my favorites
219
00:09:11,318 --> 00:09:13,687
in a new segment called
"Nana's Knittables."
220
00:09:13,687 --> 00:09:15,489
-♪ "Nana's Knittables" ♪
221
00:09:15,489 --> 00:09:16,924
♪ Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na ♪
222
00:09:16,924 --> 00:09:18,358
♪ Na ♪
-Yeah.
223
00:09:18,358 --> 00:09:19,826
-All right,
let's have a look at this
224
00:09:19,826 --> 00:09:22,329
first YouTube video here for --
225
00:09:22,329 --> 00:09:26,700
Ooh! Oh, it's one of
those CAPTCHA things.
226
00:09:26,700 --> 00:09:28,735
-We can cut that out.
-Should I just do it?
227
00:09:28,735 --> 00:09:30,170
-Yeah.
-Get it over with?
228
00:09:30,170 --> 00:09:32,172
Identify the stop signs.
Alright, here you go.
229
00:09:32,172 --> 00:09:34,708
This one, this one,
this one, this one.
230
00:09:34,708 --> 00:09:36,810
Yeah, it's easy.
Alright, here we go.
231
00:09:36,810 --> 00:09:37,811
Alright.
232
00:09:40,013 --> 00:09:41,348
"Click
'I'm not a robot.'"
233
00:09:41,348 --> 00:09:42,683
Sure.
234
00:09:42,683 --> 00:09:44,084
[ Ding ]
235
00:09:44,084 --> 00:09:45,786
Okay, here we go.
236
00:09:45,786 --> 00:09:48,755
"Say 'Yes' or 'No.'"
Uh...
237
00:09:48,755 --> 00:09:50,490
Yes.
238
00:09:50,490 --> 00:09:51,758
[ Buzz ]
239
00:09:53,060 --> 00:09:55,162
I'm not a robot.
I'm not.
240
00:09:55,162 --> 00:09:56,697
This is -- Come on.
241
00:09:57,831 --> 00:10:00,400
"Please identify: the end
of the Scotch tape roll."
242
00:10:00,400 --> 00:10:03,937
I -- How could I --
In real life, I can't do...
243
00:10:05,038 --> 00:10:08,275
This, this, this, and this.
244
00:10:08,275 --> 00:10:09,877
Alright, let's do...
[ Ding ]
245
00:10:09,877 --> 00:10:11,678
-Oh. Okay.
246
00:10:11,678 --> 00:10:14,014
-"Please identify who ate
in this outfit."
247
00:10:14,014 --> 00:10:17,451
They all look -- They all look
like they're eating.
248
00:10:17,451 --> 00:10:22,022
Oh, gosh, I'd say her,
her, her, and her.
249
00:10:22,022 --> 00:10:24,224
[ Ding ]
Perfect. Let's do it.
250
00:10:24,224 --> 00:10:27,160
"How would you whistle
to get this bird's attention?"
251
00:10:28,195 --> 00:10:30,531
-Wow!
-[ Whistles ]
252
00:10:30,531 --> 00:10:32,432
[ Ding ]
-Oh, there you go.
253
00:10:32,432 --> 00:10:35,269
-I can't win.
Look, let's just go --
254
00:10:35,269 --> 00:10:37,804
"Identify the people who regret
getting a second cat."
255
00:10:37,804 --> 00:10:43,443
I mean, I'd say her, her, her.
256
00:10:43,443 --> 00:10:45,012
Let's go.
[ Ding ]
257
00:10:45,012 --> 00:10:46,380
Perfect.
Alright, good.
258
00:10:46,380 --> 00:10:48,182
"Please identify all the squares
that were supposed to have
259
00:10:48,182 --> 00:10:50,250
buses in them,
but the bus is running late."
260
00:10:50,250 --> 00:10:53,153
Guys, we got --
How would I even possibly...
261
00:10:53,153 --> 00:10:57,524
Sure. This one, this one,
this one, and this one.
262
00:10:57,524 --> 00:10:59,293
Yeah. Perfect. Great.
263
00:10:59,293 --> 00:11:02,563
-Okay, great.
-"Tell me I'm beautiful."
264
00:11:02,563 --> 00:11:04,531
You're beautiful.
265
00:11:04,531 --> 00:11:05,699
[ Buzz ]
266
00:11:09,369 --> 00:11:10,637
You're beautiful.
267
00:11:10,637 --> 00:11:11,972
[ Ding ]
268
00:11:20,414 --> 00:11:22,850
How could I possibly...
-That one for sure.
269
00:11:22,850 --> 00:11:24,751
-Oh, I'll go -- Yeah,
well, that one definitely.
270
00:11:24,751 --> 00:11:26,987
Yeah, yeah.
And then that one. And this one.
271
00:11:26,987 --> 00:11:28,222
There you go.
[ Ding ]
272
00:11:28,222 --> 00:11:30,591
Alright, perfect.
Alright, thank you.
273
00:11:30,591 --> 00:11:32,092
"The shower knob
that makes sense."
274
00:11:32,092 --> 00:11:33,961
None of them.
They never make sense.
275
00:11:33,961 --> 00:11:36,129
I don't know.
Uh...this one.
276
00:11:36,129 --> 00:11:39,032
[ Ding ]
Is that right?
277
00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:42,669
"Coconuts that secretly
have a crush on a bowling ball."
278
00:11:42,669 --> 00:11:46,106
This one, this one,
this one, and this one.
279
00:11:46,106 --> 00:11:47,207
[ Ding ]
280
00:11:47,207 --> 00:11:48,809
We did it.
Alright, we did it. Finally!
281
00:11:48,809 --> 00:11:51,845
[ Cheers and applause ]
282
00:11:51,845 --> 00:11:53,680
Unfortunately,
we're out of time,
283
00:11:53,680 --> 00:11:55,516
so we'll have to look at
toilet doilies next week.
284
00:11:55,516 --> 00:11:56,917
Stick around.
We'll be right back with
285
00:11:56,917 --> 00:11:59,186
Taraji P. Henson and
Cedric the Entertainer.
20149
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