Original subtitles

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Next, please.

– You are sure you want to do this? – Of course, I’m sure.

Roll up your sleeve.

I can’t believe we all got duped.

I been wearing this thing for months. I feel like such a tool.

Lying jerk!

Hold still, please.

I don’t know what to believe in anymore.

Let’s do this.

Make me believe in something that’s bullshit, will you?

Hold on.

Let’s see… that one.

Stupid fraud!

Good riddance to you!

All right, I’m next. Get this thing off of me!

– Did you do it? – It’s done.

I spent five bucks on that stupid thing.

I told you it was a bad idea.

Don’t even start.

Because you didn’t buy into bracelets doesn’t mean you’re smarter than me.

What’s wrong with him?

– I feel like such an idiot. – It’s all right.

But I wore that wristband everywhere, and the guy is a complete phony.

There’s even more coming out about it today.

These latest tests are once again confirming

that the performance enhancing drug HGH

was in the body of Christ at the time of crucifixion.

All over the country, people are having

their “What would Jesus do?” wristbands cut off.

It was a last week, a team of scientists

found traces of HGH on the Shroud of Turin.

Along with several other illegal compounds and pain killers.

Without a doubt, there was HGH in the body of Christ

at the time of crucifixion.

Jesus did not suffer for our sins.

He was, in fact, very high.

All the years of being told something.

It’s just so unfair.

Priests and bishops have been working overtime

to remove Jesus from the record books and from the Last Supper.

I know people that paid ten bucks for those bracelets.

I bet they all feel pretty stupid now.

And so then, I asked preacher, “What about the New Testament?”

And he says, ”You still should gotta read it,

“but you’ll have to put an asterisk next to Jesus’ name

“whenever it comes up.”

So weak, dude.

Dark times.

Dude, what the hell?

You’re wearing a “What would Jesus do?” bracelet!

All right, I got it a few weeks ago. Big whoop.

The big whoop isn’t that you have one, it’s that you’re still wearing it!

Didn’t you hear Jesus did all his miracles on drugs?

I know.

Don’t you care?

Jesus asterisk Christ! People are feeling cheated by all this!

Where do I go?

What do I do?

Cartman’s right. If you care about fairness,

you have to lose the bracelet.

Look, I don’t want to, you guys. Honestly, it’s not that big a deal.

It’s the Charlie Rose Show. Here’s Chuck.

We are here tonight with the only person in America

who still wears his “What would Jesus do?” wristband.

Please welcome Stan Marsh.

Dick!

After everything that’s come out, after all the facts have been proven,

why do you still wear it?

I dunno, I just like it.

You just like it.

I don’t know.

I’ve had it a long time. I don’t want to cut it off.

Joining us now is one of billions of people

who think that anyone who still wears their wristband

is doing all of society a disservice.

Chris Martin, you say that Stan Marsh is a dick?

Yeah, thanks.

My problem with this kid is he doesn’t care about the truth.

If Jesus rose from the dead with the help of drugs, that’s fine.

But he went on to say it was a miracle,

and that is where it became dangerous.

What about the Incas? What about the Aztecs?

Millions of people who were murdered in Jesus’ name,

and then Jesus turns out to be a fraud.

Wearing that bracelet is a slap in the face to everyone.

What do you say about that?

I don’t know. I like it.

We searched high and low to find my next guest,

who actually agrees with Stan Marsh and thinks he’s doing the right thing.

Please welcome a retarded fish.

You don’t see any problem with someone keeping their bracelet?

That’s because you’re a retarded fish and you don’t know any better!

What about the crusades? The inquisitions?

How many people were tortured for somebody who was a fake?

What about the crusades? Does that enter into your decision?

No, I just… I don’t know.

Anything to add?

No, I’m good. Thank you.

Can I talk to you?

Listen, I just wanna tell you…

you’ve really been an inspiration.

I have?

I can’t believe in Jesus any more, because he’s a damn fraud.

So what I’m gonna believe in, is just being me

and being independent like you.

So what I did is I got this brown bracelet

to remind me of standing my ground,

and just believing in the cause of being me.

You’re wearing a bracelet to think of me?

I’m not the only one. There’s lots of people doing it.

– Stanground! – Stanground, Mr. Mackey!

Anyway, thanks.

And you just keep on standing your ground.

You’re wearing a brown bracelet now?

It reminds me I shouldn’t back down when I feel peer pressure.

I got really moved after what you did for all those farmers in Belarus.

Farmers in where?

Where are people getting all the brown wristbands?

I don’t know. I got mine down at 7-Eleven.

See? Right here.

You interested in a Stanground brace…

It’s you! Stanground, bro!

This is happening so fast.

Steve Nelson with Endorsement Management.

Are you ready for your Nike commercial?

My friends told me I was crazy,

that I was wasting my time.

But my cause is to stand my ground.

When others sat, I kept my bracelet on.

Because I stand… for standing.

– Would you like to be seated? – No, thanks, I’ll stand.

– You wanna sit down? – I’m good.

The captain asks everyone to take their seats.

Tell the captain to take off.

People ask me, “You never took the bracelet off?”

Not once?

Never. Not ever.

What do I do? I Stanground.

Now, when Dr. Drew told Jeff Conaway he was on a one-way street to nowhere,

what tactics did he use to try and convince…

Mr. Marsh, if you don’t mind, we’d like to see your bracelet.

Why?

If you have nothing to hide, please hand it over, Mr. Marsh.

What is this?

Are we good? We live?

I’m here at South Park Elementary, where officials have barged in,

after reports that Stan Marsh of the Stanground Foundation

did in fact, at one point, remove his yellow bracelet.

Rumors have surfaced that Stan did not stand his ground

as previously stated,

and that the wristband is in fact, superglued back together.

Please let us check your wristband for Super Glue.

This is stupid!

He’s the one person who doesn’t do stuff like that!

Leave him alone!

Are you afraid we might find glue on your bracelet, Mr. Marsh?

I never cut it off!

Then, let us see it.

This is an outrage.

Who out there is saying that Stan is a liar?

I cannot say, but he is a reliable and credible source

who is of the utmost prestige.

– Who? – All right, it was Craig.

Craig? You asshole.

What’s the big idea?

It looked like you cut it off, that’s all.

You got nothing better to do than try and knock me down?

You can’t just say anything you want about people!

Look at him go standing his ground!

You know what happens when you lie? You hold that lie inside.

And it grows right in your balls until they have to cut it out!

Little unnecessary, but go, Stan!

Go ahead and test it.

Then let’s just see what happens to this money-hungry prostitute!

Prostitute?

This is Breaking News.

The tests are done and the results are in.

The little boy who claimed he never cut off his bracelet

did cut it off and lied about it.

Not only did we find traces of Super Glue,

but of yellow Magic Marker as well.

This is a dark day for honest

French Swedish people everywhere.

Though the tests seemed conclusive,

Stan Marsh continues to deny any cheating.

Hey, dude.

People are kind of pissed off at you.

Thanks, Kyle.

You probably should come clean and tell the truth.

– Did you superglue your bracelet? – Why does it matter?

Because you kind of made it matter.

You know, I’m just through with this whole thing.

I can’t put my family through any more of this.

You did superglue it.

You know what’s really sad is that this is what matters to people.

What nobody seems to remember are the farmers in Belarus!

Stanground is bigger than me.

You want to tell all those farmers it’s all bullcrap?

The sooner you eat your peas,

the sooner you can win your friends back.

You need to Bill Clinton this.

You think I went through all that trouble, lying,

and claiming to be something I wasn’t, for what, Kyle?

This is a witch hunt.

It’s all that stupid French scientist.

He’s the fraud, and I’m gonna prove it!

Would you mind getting me some water, darling?

Can’t you see I’m trying to do my a calisthenics?

But my throat is parched, dear, and I’m so scared of burglars.

Is tap water going to be OK,

or do you want me to go down to a crystal geyser

and bring her highness some right from the spring?

Tap is fine, dear.

What was that? I saw something outside.

It’s your imagination.

Could you change the channel? The remote is dead.

You want to me to change the channel, or should I go

and make a TV program written for you?

Just change to channel ten. Thanks.

It’s starting to feel like a the Carol Burnett Show.

What was that? I think somebody’s here!

Maybe it’s the pee pee fairy, so somebody can pee pee for you too.

Please, I’m terrified. Please go check it out.

Jesus!

What are you doing here?

My child, the man who lives here has led a witch hunt

to destroy my legacy.

I’m simply here to search for something I can use to discredit him too…

That’s what I’m doing.

It’s a Tweedledum and a Tweedledee trying to break into my a house.

Everyone is claiming you were using drugs.

– Why didn’t you say anything? – Sometimes, it is best to say nothing.

– I’ve been kind of seeing that. – Excuse me,

I’m sorry to intrude, but do you want to please leave,

or should I make you some a kaffebröd and sausages?

It all happened so fast.

The next thing I new, I had a Nike commercial.

I know how it goes.

Everyone hates me now, and it isn’t fair.

I know.

I feel like if people could see me in action again,

they’d realize I’m not a fraud.

Here you go, kaffebröd and sausages for you.

Thanks a lot.

Did you take HGH to do your miracles?

That’s just…

Everyone just lost their faith.

Did you cut your wristband off, my son?

– Anyway, it’s not even the issue. – I know, right?

It’s like, that’s here and…

We’re like…

here it’s…

There’s farmers in Belarus who are in a life and death struggle.

That’s what should matter.

Instead of focusing on us, we need to get everyone

focusing on what matters!

Where’s Belarus?

Exactly! People don’t even know where it is!

Maybe if we could get people to care about it,

then I could go and save it,

and people would be stoked on me again.

How can we raise awareness?

We need to get some bracelets.

Welcome to the P.F. Pityef bracelet factory!

How can I be of service?

We wanted to start a new movement,

and we thought since your company seems to make all the bracelets…

I see you’re wearing one of our brown scauses already!

Delightful!

What color would you like for your new scause?

Our scause?

Of course!

You came for a scause to wear on your paws.

And you want others to wear yours upon thars!

I’m confused.

I should start from the beginning.

In the modern age, there are those who believe,

that a cause is a thing to be worn on one’s sleeve.

And so, we sell a cause, it’s called a scause.

And wearing a scause gets you lots of applause.

We start some plastic,

which is sherped by our sherpas, then dip it in colors

that show off your purpose.

There are green scauses for recycling, blue scauses for kitties,

and pink scauses that focus on nothing but titties.

Do you hate abortion?

Then a white scause is for you!

Why not champion your scause with some sparkles and glue!

We make scauses for this! We make scauses for that!

Why, there’s even a scause for just being fat!

What’s the matter? Can’t think of a scause?

How about raising awareness for the hairs in your schnoz?

Let’s think of the thing that you care about most!

Make it orange, like marmalade!

Thank you for your coming down.

I’m off to go sell these in your little town!

The hell just happened?

Kids, I need to talk to you about a serious matter.

You’ve probably all noticed my orange wristband, m’kay.

It’s to show my solidarity with the people of Belarus.

You should know that the Belorussian government

– is right now trying to… – We know.

We have our Belarus bracelets too.

Oh, you do. You got those.

M’kay, that’s good.

Good you’re doing something about it.

Hey kids, over here!

What’s this about orange bracelets?

– Where do you get them? – A guy’s selling them downtown,

but they’re not made from recycled plastic.

I don’t give a crap about using recycled plastic.

You do.

I guess I do.

Some people say you knew what you were doing all along.

That you cut it off on purpose to shed light on the farmers.

– People are saying that? – Yeah. Is it true?

Whatever it takes, people are aware of the problems there.

Maybe I did it all on purpose, or it was a coincidence.

Whatever. I thought you were a butthole,

but now I think you’re a cute sneaky little one.

We did it.

It has become the biggest concern for most people.

The farmers of Belarus in their plight against their government.

And one person is taking it upon himself to end the crisis.

His name?

Jesus.

These are very troubling times, and they’re fighting for their lives.

You know,

I’m here to do whatever I can.

Some people might be thinking you’re doing this as a publicity stunt

to put to rest the rumors of your drug use.

You know, I don’t even have time to think about that.

This crisis needs my attention, and I’m just here to do what I can.

I’ve talked to the government and to the farmers,

and I think we have everything worked out.

You know, whatever stupid rumors people want to believe about me,

it doesn’t change the fact that Balarus needs my help.

I believe it’s Belarus.

It very well may be if we don’t do something now.

You think you’ve done something to keep the conflict from escalating?

I’m just doing what I’ve always done. People wanna know what I’m on.

What am I on?

I’m on a farm in Balarus, busting my ass.

What are you on?

And now that the Belorussian farmers are all dead, what will you try next?

What?

Shit!

One at a time, please!

Look, I want to return this orange bracelet, m’kay.

It’s worthless now!

Not a problem, return your scause, and for just $5, I’ll give you two more!

I need a violet one for domestic violence, a lime one for herpes,

and a jade green one for my hate for Kyle.

Absolutely! Five dollars, please!

Heidi Turner says you asked her to borrow Super Glue last week.

Are you still on that?

Have you ever heard of ends justifying means?

– Oh, my, it’s the sound! – What sound?

Of all sounds in all soundom, this one’s most profound!

That’s the sound that means I must pack up my tent!

It’s the sound of the very last cent being spent!

My work here is done, and just look at you now!

You’re all covered in scauses, from your hoof to your brow!

Enjoy all your scauses! You look great in your cause!

Be sure to give each other lots of applause!

I’m off to the next town in my little truck!

Have a nice day!

Fuck.

Weak.

It’s almost like…

like that guy had this figured out all along.

We were trying to do good.

But we got everyone duped by a bracelet company.

We’re just gonna accept that people won’t think very highly of us.

We can’t just let that guy get away with taking everyone’s money.

What can we possibly do?

What would Jesus do?

Vengeance is mine!

No, please! Please show mercy!

Thank you, my children. We’ve all been through a lot.

We got caught up in scauses.

That didn’t mean squat.

They turned my message away from the teachings it hid

and made it about me and the things that I did.

Which of course I didn’t do.

And even if I did use drugs, so did all the other prophets.

But I didn’t.

So what have we learned from this great wristband theft?

Maybe that when stripped of our scauses,

only causes are left.

And causes shouldn’t be worn on our wrists with a sneer.

Let’s keep our causes where they belong,

which is right here.

On t-shirts!

Free Pussy Riot!

Free Pussy Riot!