Original subtitles

[bombastic fanfare]

[retro synth fanfare]

[enthusiastic, goofy fanfare]

[fanfare becomes more energetic]

[increasingly absurd and repetitive fanfare]

[fanfare becomes more manic and intense]

[fanfare crescendos]

[ominous music with Gregorian chanting]

[other worldly breathing]

[other worldly breathing]

[radio chatter]

[radio chatter]

[sludge metal plays on stereo]

[more sludge metal plays on stereo]

[cell phone vibrates]

[riffling through trash]

[woman] I'm really hoping you pull through...

...on Jayden's birthday surprise this year.

Yeah, babe, I'm working on it.

[woman] Jayden's counting on you.

Listen, tell Jayden his birthday surprise is in the bag.

I'm wrapping it as we speak.

[woman] He can't have another disappointment on his birthday.

[man] It's taken care of.

[woman] You're going to have to do better than last year's present.

As in absolutely no clowns.

Can you relax?

[woman] And no RC cars. I read on goop about...

...the latest lithium batteries causing infertility in children.

[man] Tell little Jadeite

his birthday surprise is going to be super cool and mysterious.

He's going to love it, I promise.

[woman] Oh, can you pick up some Baton Rouge

buff-links from Beef man's for Jayden's birthday surprise dinner?

Uh, I got gross trash on my shoe.

Buff-links, check.

[woman] Baton Rouge buff-links.

He likes the ghost pepper flakes that those have.

[man] If Jayden wants to blow out his butthole,

that's his business.

I'll get him the buff-links.

Jayden's birthday's gonna go off without a hitch.

[clicks off phone]

Without a hitch you fucking bitch.

[doorway bell dings]

[man] Hey, what's up?

This place is, uh...

this place is kind of weird.

Hey, um, I'm looking for toys for my son.

Thought I'd pick him up something at...

[man] What is this place?

Benny's Desert Fast Trip.

[man] Yeah. What's that all about?

I guess it's like a farting butt.

And, like, this cactus guy over here is, like, not liking the smell or something.

[man] Toys.

You got any?

Toys like for kids and stuff?

[man] My kid's birthday tomorrow.

I'd already gotten this big freaking RC truck...

...with lights and all sorts of things.

But his mom read about

some kid getting cancer from batteries.

And now she wants me to send it back.

[cashier] Yeah, cancer.

That looks like, that's a really tough one.

But, you totally came to the right place,

cause we got lots of stuff for that, actually.

Like this, will just totally cure it.

But if you really have a little more money,

you could spring for one of the bracelets over there.

- They're like... - [man] I need to find my kid a new toy,

- pronto. - [cashier] Toys.

Yeah.

Like, we got some of that stuff.

Like, kids like,

Like animal bones.

Like pogs, guns, like, squish men.

Back over there.

[grunge music plays from headphones]

[ominous music with Gregorian chanting]

- [steam hiss] - [other worldly moans]

[moans continue]

[squelching pumping]

[viscid squish]

[orgasmic ethereal moan]

[quickening rhythmic clashes]

[bubbling breach]

[squelch]

[bubbling and moist jostling]

[man] What in the hell is this thing?

[sweeping]

Oh yeah, that's our Hoagie.

It's sort of like, maybe an alien or like a troll, I guess.

What's its deal?

Are you talking about Hoagie?

Yes, Hoagie.

What is it?

More of a who actually than a what.

At least that's what the legend says.

This I gotta hear.

[cashier] Well, so, like, ever since I started working here,

it's just like sitting on the shelf.

Kind of like, in this weird cocoon, pulsating

and, like, kind of hibernating, I guess, but, like,

the word is, it was like, found a really, really

hell a long ass time ago.

[cashier] There were these, like, dirty, super

nasty, grody ass, dirty miner guys.

This was when people, like, pooped in those little wooden houses.

Like in big gross holes.

They would wear the same clothes

all the time, like every day and every night.

If you were some person who was like a lady or a

woman or whatever,

you just sort of scraped beans around in an old buckets, like...

Or something.

So they got their miner shovels and stuff.

And started doing their rock and, like, dirt digging and stuff.

In like a total full-on, like, cave I guess.

And it was like really hard.

[steam hissing] [squelching]

[slime dripping]

What the shit?

[cashier] That's when Pork Chop, like, one of the crusty old miner guys

He like saw something really crazy.

That's when he... it all started.

I guess.

[grunts]

[excited laughter]

Spicy Mike!

Getcher ass over here!

Hey man!

Oh, let me look at that thing. Oh,

[Pork Chop] Hell no.

[Spicy Mike] Damn it Pork Chop!

[Pork Chop] What the...

Where'd that weird piece of meat come from?

[Spicy Mike] This lick-spittle Judas won't split up that damn ostrich egg!

[Pork Chop] This is a thing of wonderment...

...and a fit to be worshipped!

[Spicy Mike] Ah to hell with that!

Now you crack that egg or I'll crack your skull.

[metal thud]

[woman] Give him hell Spicy Mike!

[woman] Get on your feet you peckerwood!

[woman] Don't lie there like a coward.

[woman] Give him a punch!

[woman] I'm gonna wear his guts like a feather boa!

[bone snap]

[agonized grunt]

[hammer click]

[gunshot]

[Pork Chop] Ahhh!

[cashier] So they, like, totally shot Pork Chop to get the egg.

And like, Spicy Mike went full serial killer psycho on him.

He stabbed him like, a million times.

- [woman] Stab him again! - [Spicy Mike] Die!

[woman] Give him hell Spicy Mike! C'mon! Go give him hell!

[cashier] Pork Chop wasn't dead.

[Spicy Mike] Jeepers creepers!

[cashier] Hoagie's power was, like, calling to him.

[grunting] [ethereal moans]

[flesh stretching]

[flesh ripping]

[grunting]

[cashier] Then they ripped him in half.

[Spicy Mike] He's finally dead.

[cashier] And after that, his dead body farted.

Like, the butt part, I guess. [corpse fart]

[cashier] Pretty normal.

[Spicy Mike] Ahhh!

[meaty squelch]

[Spicy Mike] Why won't you die?!

[Pork Chop] Gaaahhhh!

[skull splintering thud]

[cashier] Then he was definitely dead.

[Spicy Mike] Now I'm gonna eat this fuckin' egg!

[cashier] And Spicy Mike got the egg he so desired.

[meaty squelching]

Oh my god!

[cashier] And that ended up being

Spicy Mike MacGruder

He was, like, the founder and the mayor of this town.

He's, like, super famous and, like, really important.

So what's Hoagie then?

[cashier] Nobody really knows about Hoagie,

but I guess he sort of, like,

makes all your wishes and, like, fantasies into reality and stuff.

And like,

for some people that can be like heaven, but for other people it's...

hell.

Well, I think Jayden would really like something like this.

He's into all sorts of weird shit.

I'll take it.

Well, my boss said to like,

never, ever, ever, ever sell Hoagie.

He says that his powers are too great and it's too dangerous.

And, like, man is not ready for these forces to be unleashed

upon the world and blah, blah, blah, blah.

But if you were to, like, drop, like 200 dollars out of your wallet,

like, on this floor, I would like totally have to go

take a giant shit.

[approaching footsteps]

[heavy thud]

[sinister music]

[droning music] [children celebrating]

[confetti clattering]

[muffled revelry]

[scooting trash]

[splat]

[joystick clicking]

[muffled game audio]

[game narrator] Here's your next victim.

- [game narrator] Show no mercy. - [npc] The heck's going on in here?

[game narrator] Now, murder him.

What is this place?

[game narrator] Hahaha! Nice kill!

[joystick clicking]

[game narrator] Yes! 50 points!

Victory!

[ad] That's the American man's dream.

Hi, I'm David Michael O'Malley,

let me show you what David Michael O'Malley's

real estate team has in store.

You're gonna absolutely love this inventory.

I hope you packed some extra

diapers, boys and girls, because you are gonna shit your pants

when you see this house.

No thanks David Michael O'Malley, no sale.

[click] I've already got my dream home.

[man] Isn't that right Jayden?

Jayden.

Whatever, Dad.

[man] Alright birthday boy,

it's time for bed.

[ominous music] [old parchment pages turning]

[ethereal moans]

[ethereal moans] [dripping]

[moist squelching]

[ominous music]

[moist squelching]

[ghostly moan]

[drippy squelch]

[moaning intensifies]

[door creaks]

[ethereal moan]

[penetrative squelch] [man] Ungh!

[grunting]

[wet slapping and squelching]

[ominous music intensifies]

[grunting]

[demonic growl]

[explosive squishy ejection]

[demon growl]

[squish]

[music intensifies]

[demon growl]

[possessed man] Hi honey.

Gaahh!

[woman] Ahhh!

[squelch]

[woman] Ugh!

[woman] Ahhh!

[dryer hums]

[metal clang]

[cap unscrews and clatters]

[chugging and splashing]

[Jayden] Dad?

Are you out here?

[gurgling]

[Jayden] What are you doing?

[possessed man] Jayden, you're mine.

[Jayden] Dad! No!

[chop] [squelch]

[clattering head]

[ghostly Jayden] Dad! No!

[morning alarm sounding]

[man] Jayden?

[ghostly Jayden] Daddy, it's so dark.

Hey, Jayden.

[heartbeat]

[ghostly Jayden] I'm cold daddy.

I'm so cold.

[music sting] No!

[ghostly Jayden] Help me daddy.

Daddy!

Why'd you kill me daddy?

[droning music]

[wet thud]

[thud]

[latching]

[chains rattling]

[steam hisses]

[dragging and shuffling]

[ghostly moans]

[chains clatter] [dull thud]

[thump]

[digging]

[rattle]

[racking]

[moans intensify]

[music intensifies]

Ahhh!

Ahhhhhhh!

[blast] [meaty squelch]

[propulsive music]

[wet squishing] [rushing wind]

[squelching]

[heartbeat]

[heartbeat]

[meaty squishing]

[muffled pumping]

[heartbeat]

[bubbling]

[hissing vapors]

[pumping]

[squishy rip] [wet breathing]

[bubbling and pumping]

[flowing liquid]

[rhythmic breathing]

[music continues]

[burbling brook]

[chirping birds]

[shuffling boxes]

[children laughing]

[children] It's fun!

[laughter]

Oh, yeah.

[birds chirping]

[water gently pouring]

[cat meows loudly]

Giorgio!

You startled me, you little brat!

Giorgio...

[cat hissing]

[ominous music]

Yah!

Jesus Christ,

you fucking kids scared the shit out of me.

Hi, dad.

I love you beautiful kids so much.

You're everything to me.

[children giggle]

[man] Mr. O'Malley, is that you?

Can you even hear me, bro?

You know I don't repeat myself.

[Duncan] I hear you now.

I got these new Raycons, and they're sort of tricky.

Raycons is donkey shits, Raycons suck donkey dicks.

Nobody on my team uses those.

[Duncan] Yes sir. They suck, I admit it.

They suck.

That's one of the mistakes that Linda made.

[Duncan] Affirmative.

Sure thing boss, I'll shit-can these things ASAP.

This butthead is way the fuck out in the boonies.

[Duncan] This the tear-down on Blackwell Street?

Nah. Some pencil-neck geek named Brendan Bean.

[Duncan] That name sucks.

[O'Malley] I know that name sucks.

He moved like, three weeks ago.

I'm a little bit late bringing his shitty-ass family

his welcome to the neighborhood bundt cake.

Hope it's not too dry.

[Duncan] Fuck yeah, dude. You rule.

[children laughing]

[girl] Hey, wait up!

[children] Whoa!

[boy] An axe!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Get it Aiden!

[metal twang]

[girl] Yeah!

Tear it up!

[wood splinters]

[creaking lid] [squelching]

[children] Ewww!

[Aiden] It looks like a lard omelette!

[girl] It looks like a puke sandwich!

[ethereal moan]

[tires on asphalt]

Lame fucking cake is the least I could do for this poor boner.

[Duncan] Yes!

[O'Malley] Doesn't even know he moved into the splatter house.

Made him think he got the come-up of the century. Psyche!

[Duncan] Oh, snap.

You saddled this loser with the murder house?

[O'Malley] Last owner straight up murderized his whole family.

Cops found his kid's head on a silver platter.

[Duncan] Dude, that's awesome!

I heard he killed his wife and shit too.

Lopped her all up!

Chopped up his wife,

chopped up his kid,

blew his own brains out.

That's awesome.

Don't be so goddamn cavalier!

[Duncan] I'm really sorry.

I don't give a rat's ass what you say on your own time!

- [Duncan] Yeah boss... - [O'Malley] But if you're on my team,

you better have some respect.

- [Duncan] Yep. - [O'Malley] Respect for me.

[Duncan] I do.

[O'Malley] And respect for dead bodies and stuff.

[Duncan] I will. For sure.

- Linda said the same shit, dude. - [Duncan] Sorry.

- You better watch your attitude. - [Duncan] I will...

- Alright bro. - [Duncan] Yeah boss.

Time to work my magic.

Gotta suck the last dick of the day.

[Duncan] Later, Mr. O'Malley,

when you get back I have all your stuff that you...

[phone clicks off]

[Aiden] What is this!?

Ewww!

[groans in disgust]

[Aiden] Hey, check it out.

[straining] [fleshy squelch]

[Aiden] Check it out!

[gooey squishing]

Cool.

[fart]

Ewww!

- That fart stinks! - [Aiden] Gross!

[lid clatters]

[squeaking bundt]

[door shutting]

[door slams] [car alarm arms]

Mr. O'Malley, what a pleasant surprise.

It's always a pleasure, Brendan.

Welcome to my house.

My home.

I brought you this freshly baked bundt cake.

Mmmmmm.

Looks and smells divine.

A bundt for the Beans.

Absolute divinity.

[children laughing] [ominous Latin chanting]

As you can see,

April and I have been hard at work getting things settled.

I still can't believe this place, David.

Can I call you David? [phone buttons clicking]

This yard, the fruited trees, fully fruited.

They're swelling with fruit. And it's all at an amazing price.

I'm like, are you effing kidding me?

Like, are you fucking kidding me?

Like, what's the catch?

But there is no catch.

That's the catch. There is no catch.

It's all for real.

Right, honey?

Yeah. Brendan. [phone dings]

Yeah. This house is really amazing.

[phone dings]

[O'Malley] Uhhh, you know what?

I got to take off.

I recommend that you pair that bundt with a chilled Zinfandel.

You should do that on your new patio.

David, I love that patio.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

[steps on gravel]

[Brendan] April and the kids are going away...

...for the weekend to her mother.

She really wants me to make that woman-shed fully habitable.

By the time she gets back from her mother's place.

No easy task. [truck engine starts]

[children laughing] [ominous Latin chanting]

[hefty kick]

[muted other worldy screech]

[heavy thud] [wet squelch]

[children] Whoa! Let's scram!

[slam]

[engine roars]

Oh, yeah.

Duty calls, duty calls.

[children laugh]

[tires screech]

[children hiss]

Fucking crazy ass kids.

Get the fuck out of here! [children giggle]

Fucking beansprouts.

Vaya con dios, amigo.

[truck screeches away]

[ominous synth stab]

[intimidating guitar twanging]

[urine spattering on the ground]

[footsteps on gravel]

[engine starts]

[door slams]

[engine roars] [tires spit gravel]

[papers shuffle]

Make much money with your

businesses out here, sir?

[man] I got three of my convenience stores now.

I got a Benny's Desert Fast Rip here,

one out in Indio, and another one in Hesperia.

Working on getting a few more off the ground.

They're all very lucrative.

I'll have you know, for your information.

[man] Before you came along I was regrouting floors at the KFC

for ten bucks an hour.

You really saved my ass.

I saw you had potential, Spragg.

You had the makings of a Promised Man.

I'm something of a...

Modern day alchemist.

I can take human excreta like you and mold you...

Into a warrior.

[Spragg] Fucking A.

You're an inspiration to the men.

You're like a father to us.

Damn it!

You are my son, Spragg.

You're all my sons.

I made you my sons.

You got any real kids, Mr. Piazza?

Rugrats?

Sperm-children? Offspring?

Yeah. You know. Affirmative.

Sure I do.

I'm not fond of the boy, though.

[Spragg] Well, they're a handful, you know,

They said "just wait till they start talking back," and...

They weren't wrong.

My favorite phase is when they're just

little babies.

My favorite phase was the jizz coming out of my dick.

It was all downhill from there.

You really do have beef with this kid, don't you?

I cast the boy off as soon as he failed me,

like a fart in the wind.

[Spragg] Failed you?

How's that?

He was a child of a 7 or 8 years old.

Already a root of discord.

We are en route to Sparks, Nevada.

I needed gasoline and had to take a slash.

We stopped over at a Terrible's, Chevron.

We emptied our bladders in the restroom side by side,

and some castoff chewing gum in the urinal

caught the boy's eye.

He picked that thing up and he proceeded to chew it.

The urinal-gum?

Chewed up, discarded, urine-tainted, toilet gum Spragg!

God dang.

At that moment I knew, I was done with the boy.

I turned around, brought him back to his mother's.

I've seen neither of them since that day.

I guess I would have done the same.

I would have done the same thing, boss.

Now I have my own family.

- Yep. - [man] A family of warriors.

[Spragg] Warriors.

[man] And this country's last chance for salvation.

And with the magnificent metamorphosis of my homunculus

coming to a conclusion...

Total victory is on the horizon.

[music intensifies]

[truck revs]

[mild plop]

[garage door jangling]

[birdsong]

[Aiden] Mom, I like, really gotta take a whizzy!

[girl] Had a hamburger for breakfast...

[Aiden] Starlynn! Shhh!

Well honey, I'll... I'll have that she-shed...

...whipped into shape by the time you get back.

You're leaving a house...

You'll come back to a home.

Don't work too hard, Brendan.

All right.

You and the kids have a good time at your mother's.

[Start yon] Bye bye daddy!

See you when you get home.

[kids] Bye dad, love you!

Have fun guys. [car horn honks]

[kids weirdly groaning]

[ominous music]

[Brendan] What the hell is going on with my family van?

[steam hissing]

Oh, no. Smoke.

Last time I checked, it's not a good sign.

[steam hissing]

[bubbling and gurgling]

Wow.

[meaty squelch]

Are you for real?

Oh my god, this is so weird.

[ghostly whoosh]

[ethereal steam hiss]

[rhythmic thumping]

[squishing and squelching]

[demonic growl] [rhythmic rustling]

[sac breaching squelch]

[ominous Latin chanting]

Oh my god.

[creature groaning] [squishy egg breaching]

[Brendan] What the fuck?

[creature moaning]

What are you?

Hoag! Hoag!

I-I can't believe this.

- You can talk? - [creature] Hoag! Hoag!

Hoag!? Oh my god, he said hoag!

Hoag, is that your name?

Is your name hoag?

No!

Hoagie.

Hoagie.

Hi, Hoagie.

I'm Brendan.

Brendan Bean.

I don't know what you are,

I don't know where you came from, but Hoagie,

you are just about the strangest little thing I've ever seen.

Come on, let's get you someplace safe.

Brendan.

[Hoagie] Brendan!

[woman] Hi, so it says here that these pot pies have probiotics,

and are filled with super-foods,

But looking at the ingredients, I just don't see how that's possible.

So, probiotics are actually, like, you can't really see them in the food,

but they're there, and they, like, cure loads of ailments,

and super foods are like, there's nothing, they don't like,

Look super anything,

But... they're full of health.

[woman] Uh huh.

Well, it just looks like a normal pot pie.

It actually looks really bad for you.

Like, it literally says ground beef.

Cubed beef and... meatballs

all separately, which doesn't even make sense.

And what is, squirted meat product?

So actually, it's, like, full of ashwagandha

green tea powder and, like, qigong

and Reiki mushrooms and lingen and chai berries and stuff.

[tires on gravel] [threatening music]

[door slams]

[bolt racked on firearm]

[hurried footsteps]

[cage door squeaks]

[gooey squish]

Fuckers!

Leave!

[male customer clears throat]

[exit bell chimes]

[sweeping]

Oh hi, Benny.

Hi my ass, you bean-brained dildo.

Look, Benny, I'm assisting this

very inquisitive customer, and it's just, like, not a good time.

Listen, hard, you fucking mutton head.

Where is my homunculus zygote?

Why is my Hoagie cage empty!?

Wait, what?

What happened to Hoagie? Oh, my...

I can't believe it.

Where did he... where did it go?

That's like strange.

You got the IQ of a goddamn salad bar, lady.

And you.

Brunt! What the hell do you do all day?

The kitchen smells like King Kong took a fucking dump in there!

This entire place has the stench of dog farts and...

Asparagus pee.

What the hell am I paying you jackals for?

Dog fart.

[Benny] Dog fart?

That's right, dog fart.

You ought to have your goddamn brains counted.

All you do is lurk around back there with that broom like some Spanish moss

Dog fart.

[Benny] Get back to work, you flip pin dipshit.

Where is the egg? Speak, you dipshit,

before I remove your goddamn balls for you.

Who is this psycho?

[Benny] Your time is soon,

And if you fuck with me your time will be now.

[Spragg] Hey Benny, this is Spragg. We got the location secured.

Speak, Trisha...

Someone must have, like, stolen it.

And that really, really sucks.

I explicitly told you not to never, ever sell it.

I told you his powers were too great and that it is too dangerous,

And that man is not ready for these forces...

...to be unleashed upon the world.

Do you realize that through your stupidity and puerile greed,

you have compromised the mission of the Promised Men,

and that has put my destiny as the ruler of this nation into jeopardy.

Now get the fuck out of my sight!

You two get the fuck out of here!

Your homunculus.

He's not in the cage.

I got to gather some intel the old fashioned way.

[Spragg] Hoagie, he's missing.

I gotta ask the ancient ones.

[ominous guitar twangs]

I'm tapping the source.

[Hoagie moaning] [water spraying]

Cold! Cold!

Cold. Yeah, I bet you're cold.

Let's get you warmed up, bud.

[Hoagie whimpering]

Gosh, you sure are something.

Hey, cool!

[Brendan] You can do whatever I can do.

You're pretty smart my friend.

Wait till April and the kids get a load of you.

They'll shit their Drains out!

- April. - Oh no!

April.

What is it, Brendan?

I promised April I'd finish her new she-shed.

We just had a fight

about how I never follow through with my chores around the new house.

Take a look at this place.

Does this look like a she-shed to you?

[Hoagie] Shed.

More like a turkey shed.

With all the excitement of finding you,

I just completely forgot.

[Hoagie chanting strangely] [mystical music]

Brendan, you really dropped the ball on this one.

[Hoagie chanting strangely]

[Brendan] Oh I shat the bed this time. Honey's gonna be pissed.

Oh, Brendan, you really pulled a boner this time.

Hoagie, what are you doing?

[magical sprinkles]

[Hoagie chanting]

[Hoagie chanting] [supernatural zooms]

[mystifying explosions]

[Brandon] Oh my god,

look at all this stuff!

Look at all these great things!

[Hoagie] Beans gather here.

[Brendan] Hoagie, this place looks utterly fucking amazing!

April's gonna love it.

She's gonna shit when she sees it.

[Hoagie grunting]

[magical fart] [descending fairy dust]

[extra-dimensional whoosh]

[spinning pizza] [electrical buzzing]

[Brendan] Whoa! Is that pizza!?

[whooshing intensifies]

[metallic clangs]

[steam hiss]

[squish]

- [Brendan] Pizza!? - [Hoagie] More! More food!

[Brendan] More food!?

Houston, we have contact!

He likes food, people!

[Hoagie] Foooooo...

[ominous music]

Watch the perimeter.

You've got my six.

[crunchy bite]

[chunky spit]

[Spragg] Mr. Piazza!

This apple,

This apple is donkey shits,

and it sucks donkey dicks, sir!

[Spragg] You need... You good in there?

[ominous guitar]

I hate this part.

Time to lube up Benny. [squirt]

This is game day.

This is why we train.

This is why we train.

Oh yeah!

This is why we train! This is why.

Ohhhhh

Tapping the source.

Ahhhhhh!

That is the way!

[sucking in breath]

[creaking door]

[gust of wind]

[fleshy vibrations]

[gooey squish]

[viscous dripping] [heavy squelch]

[ecstatic supernatural moans]

[squishy movement]

[moaning]

[squelching]

[ominous music continues]

[ecstatic moans]

[gooey squelching]

[rubbery movement]

[meaty entry]

[gentle caresses]

[gentle heartbeat]

[heavy squelch]

[squish]

[footsteps on gravel]

[whoosh]

[Brendan] Hi Hoagie.

I don't know what you are.

I don't know where you came from.

[music intensifies]

[whoosh]

[juicy squelching]

[Brendan] I'm Brendan.

Brendan Bean.

Towel.

I need to replenish my endocrine system.

I need some lipids.

Amino acids!

So you, uh?

You locate the asset, the ah,

homunculus thing?

Find me this Brendan Bean!

Brendan Bean.

- Mobilize the Promised Men. - [Spragg] Dude, that name sucks.

All right, so do you want me to get all the dudes?

All the dudes!

Ahhhhh!

[mellow music]

[Hoagie] More food!

Ah!

Well, I figure,

you must be hungry.

The key to a good sandwich, Hoagie,

is the mustard.

Sandwich!

I'm a mild Dijon kinda guy.

Love the tang,

hate the spice.

Tang!

That's right Hoagie, tang!

Tang!

[Brendan] It's got a nice little tang to it.

You like that?

Wait' ll you try this.

[Music shifts to upbeat pop] ♪ When you feel that rhythm ♪

♪ And the feeling's right ♪

♪ Got a love that your givin' ♪

♪ And a chance to be alive ♪

♪ With your feet and the rhythm ♪

♪ And the rhythm high ♪

♪ Got to love that your livin' ♪

- Ow! - ♪ Cause I'm dancin' on the sky! ♪

♪ Wide open blue ♪

♪ We can fly! ♪

♪ When it's me and it's you ♪

♪ It's fun to do ♪

♪ These things with you ♪

♪ You're number one ♪

♪ It's so much fun ♪

♪ I love to see ♪

♪ The world with thee ♪

♪ We're far from done ♪

♪ Cause it's so much goddamn fuckin' fun! ♪

♪ Oh the look that you're givin' ♪

♪ Dancin' in your eye! ♪

♪ Got a feelin' like forever ♪

♪ We are gonna be alive! ♪

♪ They won't bring us down ♪

♪ We can fly ♪

♪ And I'll be your clown ♪

♪ It's fun to do ♪

♪ Fun things with you ♪

♪ You're number one ♪

♪ It's so much fun ♪

♪ I love to see ♪

♪ The world with thee ♪

♪ We're far from done ♪

♪ Because it's so much goddamn fuckin'... ♪

[harmonica solo]

[splash]

[wheels rolling]

[music box]

[enamored grunts]

[machinery operating]

♪ It's fun to do ♪

♪ Fun things with you ♪

♪ You're number one ♪

♪ it's so much fun ♪

[radio] ♪ I love to see ♪

♪ The world with thee ♪

[ominous guitar twangs]

[phone dialing]

[phone ringing]

Hello.

[Brendan] Davidson Dugan?

It's Brendan Bean.

Ah, Brendan.

To what do I owe the pleasure?

[Brendan] Hoagie! Don't make a mess over there.

[ranch dressing squirting] [Brendan] Hoagie?

Haven't you had enough ranch?

Brendan, is everything okay?

Hoagie, you can't just eat the hot dog. [slurping and munching]

You gotta have the bun. [burp]

That's what's got all the nutrients.

It's an enriched bun.

It's for your growth and your development, Hoagie.

Hoagie!?

Brendan, what in god's name is going on over there?

I'm gonna be blunt with you, Davidson.

[Hoagie] Fooood!

[Brendan] I found something.

[clutching]

And I think you're the only one that I know...

...that can shine some light on this.

Brendan, I'm a simple mammalogist for cryin' out loud.

I study animals.

Are you telling me you found some sort of...

[munching]

Animal?

[Brendan] I don't know what I found, Davidson.

I think I need you to see this. [munching and crunching]

Brendan,

I'm your friend from college.

Of course I'll help you out.

My door is always open.

Thank you, Davidson.

I knew I could count on you.

You're a great college friend.

[Hoagie] Food.

All right, Hoagie.

Looks like we're going on a little road trip.

[Hoagie burps]

[Hoagie making strange noises]

[montage song plays on the radio]

[Hoagie] Scooter!

How ya doin' back there, Hoagie?

Good Brendan.

Where are we going?

We're going to see a very old friend of mine.

I'm taking you to meet him.

Friend?

Friend?

You know, two people that know each other.

Care about each other.

Kind of like you and me, Hoagie.

We're friends.

Friend.

[Montage song dominates the soundtrack]

♪ It's fun to do ♪

♪ Fun things with you ♪

♪ You're number one ♪

♪ It's so much fun ♪

♪ I love to see ♪

♪ The world with thee ♪

♪ We're far from done ♪

♪ Because it's so much goddamn fucking fun ♪

[Hoagie muttering]

Fruit.

It's good for your brain development.

Hoagie, you're going to take a bite of this and you're going to love it.

It's called a banana.

[Hoagie] Banana.

No, no.

Please eat the banana Hoagie.

Fruit is good for your brain development.

See, it's good!

[Hoagie groaning]

[Brendan] Fruit is good!

It's good for you! It's good!

There you go. It's fruit. [mushing and squishing]

Fruit is good for you Hoagie.

[charming sedate music]

[squeaking pram]

Here's the place Hoagie.

I present the residence of Dr. Davidson Dugan.

Wow!

Davidson.

Brendan Bean.

Davidson Dugan.

[Brendan laughs]

[synchronized grunting]

[simultaneously] You should see the other guy!

Brendan Bean, it's been ages.

How the hell are you?

Very well Mr...

Or should I say, Dr. Davidson?

It's so good to see you, but I've got to tell you,

I'm curious as hell to figure out what that frantic phone call was...

Argh!

[vigorous fecal eruptions]

[liquid excretions]

[continued squelching]

No fruit!

[shattering]

Hi, Davidson. [final exclamative fart]

It knows my name.

Dr. Davidson Dugan,

I'd like to introduce you to Hoagie.

Brendan,

It's amazing.

Davidson.

Absolutely fascinating.

Come.

Both of you, come inside.

[dripping]

The back of your family's van with no explanation whatsoever?

I'm just a simple speech language pathologist.

I work with children,

gooey little goblins are not in my purview.

Goblins?

It's not like he came with an instruction manual.

- [Davidson] Let's get a look. - Whoa, hey!

[woman] That's an interesting specimen.

Wow. Claire Sinclair-Dugan. In the flesh!

Long time no see.

[together] You should see the other guy!

[Claire] B.B., you son of a bitch.

I haven't seen you since I got hitched to this bag of bones.

[Brendan] What the crap have you been doing with yourself,

you old sack of shit?

Same shit, different day, you lanky shitty bitch.

Language, please.

[Claire] You're looking at the Aleister Crowley endowed chair

of interdisciplinary occultism.

Impressive.

[Claire] It's not all it's cracked up to be.

I can only accept a couple of grad students.

[Brendan] Oh, bummer.

My travel funding's been slashed.

Bummer.

[Claire] I go to one conference a year, if I'm lucky.

[Brendan] I'm sorry to hear that.

The field is clogged by these parapsychologist dildos

looking for a reality TV show.

Dildos you say? That sounds fascinating.

- Don't worry Hoagie, I won't hurt you. - [Hoagie] Dildo!

[Hoagie] No! Oww!

[Brendan] The occult?

That's like demons, witchcraft, goblins?

[Claire] In the simplest of layman's terms, yes.

But you don't think Hoagie has anything to do with that occult

evil stuff, right?

Let's see what Davidson's findings yield before we jump to any rash conclusions.

All right now,

this might be a little bit cold.

[Hoagie] Uh! Oww! Oww!

Cold!

Sorry about that, buddy. You're being so good.

[Hoagie] Noo!

[Brendan] Hoagie's gotta be some kind of,

an animal, like a, highly intelligent sloth.

Some kind of slow loris? [beeping thermometer]

[Hoagie] Uhhhh...

Absolutely fascinating.

Hearing Hoagie speak for the first time.

It's like I was Liam Neeson...

...and he was Jodie Foster in the movie Nell.

[Hoagie] Nell!

You should have seen the way his language took off!

He was hurdling over developmental milestone...

...after developmental milestone like they were fucking breadcrumbs!

The taxonomy of this being absolutely confounds me.

I don't know where to start.

Davidson, we're old college friends,

How 'bout you start by telling me the truth?

I'll do my best. It's like nothing I've ever seen.

Some features are mammalian, others are reptilian,

And yet others still downright other worldy.

I can say without a doubt

that this creature, this Hoagie,

does not exist within the known fossil record.

What exactly are you telling us, Davidson?

Brendan, I think there's some people whom you should meet.

[mysterious electronic a]

[computer voice] Access granted.

Brendan, you just happened to arrive on the day of our annual symposium.

An assemblage of the brightest minds in the intersecting fields of mammalogy,

cryptozoology and the occult.

[servos and beeping machinery]

Let me introduce you to the team.

And let me warn you,

they're an idiosyncratic and charming group of misfits

united by a shared, obscure passion.

Meet C.J.

Her field work in the distribution of supposedly extinct

hominid sightings is required reading for any self-respecting cryptozoologist.

[C.J.] Gun to your head, Van Halen,

or Van Hagar?

I gotta say C.J.

I prefer my rock with a little bit of that authentic down home soul.

Bruce Hornsby, Steve Winwood,

Christopher Cross, Chuck Mangione, Kenny Wayne Shepherd...

I can vouch for this guy C.J. He's pretty cool.

Xavier Moncrief, a theoretical zoologist,

who has become somewhat of a celebrity.

Wow, celebrity.

[Davidson] And vocal proponent of his own infamous empath theory.

I sense urgency.

A newly discovered friend.

You're here for our help.

Xavier, that's amazing.

How did you know all that?

[Xavier] It's the empath theory. Some humans and animals subconsciously

reflect the emotions of those around them.

Don't get him started on his bat shit theory.

These two sometimes forget that I'm a distinctive individual

who doesn't mince words or play by the rules.

Fantastic.

Joey Linkowski.

Just call me Link. You know I prefer my hacker name.

Just so happens this kid with a knack for the hack,

is also the world expert in animal cyber appendages.

Admirable stuff.

What's up? I'm Link.

[Brendan] Hello, Links.

So would you say you're a hacker?

Basically a hacker.

And, who are those two guys over there?

Don't ask, they're total fucking losers.

They'll pretty much never be a part of our symposium.

Why don't you show them what you brought us, Brendan?

[Hoagie gurgling] [pram rattling]

[Xavier] Very cool.

- [Hoagie] Oh yeah! - Everyone, meet Hoagie.

[mysterious and badass electronic a]

[Brendan] These guys didn't waste any time.

They got right to work.

Using all of their skills of science, observation and technology.

Even computers. [typing and electronic noises]

Hoagie wasn't always thrilled. [fleshy ripping]

After all, they pricked, prodded, and probed him,

In the end there wasn't a fold of flesh left unturned,

nor an orifice left un-fingered. [Hoagie moaning in pain]

But you couldn't argue with the results.

Terrific, scientific results. [assorted digi blips and beeps]

[servos and robotic noises]

[harsh glitch]

[ominous guitar and synth]

[muffled gunshots]

[fluttering]

[engine running]

[radio] Clearance at Gate 1.

[electric gate]

[muted gunshots] [dog barks]

[radio chatter]

[Dog barks]

[radio chatter]

[gravel sliding]

Move your ass!

I was stacking slopes like cord wood

before you cheese-dicks were even sperm!

You don't deserve the name Promised Men!

[Man] Move your ass, you punks!

Let's see if you've got any gravel in your guts!

[back slap]

- Careful there, you'll... - [child] I have to get down...

- Oh my god, well that's, be careful! - I am...

You don't want to hurt yourself there.

[Benny on recording] Breathe with me.

[Takes deep breath]

Exhale.

[Exhales]

Never forget, you are Benny Piazza,

A man of great power and tremendous influence.

You exert a stalwart and muscular hold on your subjects.

They need you.

Your leadership is a succor for their weak spirits.

They are your wounded boys.

- Your strength is the balm. - [Dog barks]

The unguent.

The poultice which mends,

and builds them anew.

- Sshhhhh! - [Benny recording] You are the rod,

And the staff.

Spare the rod, spoil the child.

Spoiled milk feeds no man. [tape ends]

[Benny cassette tape rewinds]

[Benny groans]

[twisting lid on mason jar]

[Benny farts]

[lid twisting on]

Spragg my boy,

find me everything there is to know about this Brendan Bean character?

[Spragg] I'm pleased to report that the guy is 100% square-john,

soy-boy, lib-tard.

Low T all the way, estrogen levels through the roof.

Moved out to the sticks with his family not too long ago.

He teaches simpletons for a job.

[Spragg] Here he is standing on a porch.

Here is eating an apple or something.

What an asshole.

And I got one of him rollerblading.

Here he is eating shit.

Wipeout.

[Benny] Fucking millennials.

Here's a pic of him poisoning his body with some weed.

What other surprises you got in store for me, Bean?

[Spragg] With... with a cat in this picture.

Now that is some cat.

Magnificent.

Extraction should be hell a easy.

You hear that Lucas? [ominous and mysterious music]

We'll bring these little shits along, too.

They can meet their brother.

Take a peek, Spragg. [liquid gush]

These are Benny's bastard homunculi.

Failures in every way. [homunculi coo and mumble]

In every respect that Hoagie is a divine masterpiece,

these are abject failures.

Gestation period was off.

Some of 'em had too much jizz.

Others not enough.

Basically, a bunch of fucking retards.

Shut up. Shut up! Shut the fuck up!

Shut up! Shut up!

I told you to fucking... Shut up when I'm talkin' to you!

Trickster. Ohhhbh...

Cunning little shit.

And Blast-Face. He's as ugly as he is tough.

And finally...

Female Hoagie.

Do not be fooled...

by her beauty or feminine wiles.

She's a bitch.

And the only one in the lot of them,

that's worth a damn thing,

was stolen from my clutches.

It's time for a family reunion.

[Davidson] We've concluded our assessment.

Brendan, I'm sure you won't be surprised to hear

that what we found is nothing short of extraordinary.

First, we took a biological inventory.

According to my calculations,

Hoagie's vision is at 20/20.

But he has a visual acuity of, say,

your common house-cat.

[Xavier] His olfactory and gustatory systems are highly advanced.

The tendons in arms and feet have fuzed themselves to the bone,

giving him the strength and agility of the world's buff est wolverine.

Hoagie's circulatory system rejects raw vegetation,

which explains the mess we had in the front yard this morning.

I'm currently analyzing a stool sample from this morning's excretion.

So far it contains,

seven different elements unknown to science.

Let me play this film.

[projector clicks] [film whirring]

[two-pop]

[Narrator] What is a homunculus?

In the 16th century, the alchemist known as Paracelsus,

explored the phenomena and outlined it in his seminal work,

De Natura Rerum.

Had he achieved the creation of a miniature, fully formed human?

One which, once imprinted on its master, bestowed great power and abilities?

Paracelsus outlined it thus,

"That the sperm of a man be putrefied by itself...

"...in a sealed cucurbit for 40 days.

A living, human child grows therefrom."

Once a homunculi has bonded with its master...

...its potential knows no bounds.

[projector turns off]

It's a lot to digest.

[pram squeaks]

[Brendan] Armed with all this knowledge,

I knew, Hoagie and I were well on our way to...

Oh, shit. What now?

Whoa mister, what are you doing here?

Hello, young lady.

To tell you the truth, I'm not even sure where here is.

We both must look pretty lost.

Give me a cigarette, old man.

Our street, our rules.

I-I don't smoke and you already have a cigarette.

I like having lots of them.

So give me a dollar you geriatric old fossil.

[squelch]

[Hoagie grunting]

Your baby's weird and slimy.

He sucks balls.

- [Hoagie] Balls!? - [teen] Ugh, like, gag me with a spoon.

That baby's fucking nasty, I hate it.

Like, what in the actual fuck?

Cool burn victim baby, not!

That baby looks like it's been turned inside out

and plucked out of a boomer's ass.

H-How rude.

He looks like Freddy Krueger's weiner.

Weiner?

[Brenden] No, no!

[splattering liquid]

[teen] Oops! My bad, fucked up baby.

Just stay away from him you mean girls!

- Come on Hoagie! - [Hoagie] Cold!

- [teen] Bath-time for barf-baby. - [Hoagie] Sad!

[teens chortle]

[Hoagie] Brendan! Bean!

[Hoagie moaning]

[squishy wipe]

Just... just ignore those mean girls, Hoagie.

They're bullies, plain as day.

Bullies?!

- Yeah, yeah, bullies, Hoagie. - [Hoagie] Why!?

[Brendan] Some people...

How can I put this?

Some people are just mean to one another,

but usually it's because they don't feel good about themselves.

But we can't let them make us feel bad.

We got to show them that our beauty's on the inside.

Inside!

There, good as new.

[Hoagie farts]

Uughh. Jeez Hoagie.

Sorry.

[automatic gunfire]

[Man] Let's see if you peckerwoods got any gravel in yer fuckin' guts!

[gunshots] [hits, ricochets and whizzes]

[gunshots] [shell casings clatter]

[intense music]

Sprag Hun?

Get the Madera boys on the horn,

and let 'em know we're coming with everything we've got.

- You've got it. - Babcock!

Ease down on that fire!

Promised Men! To me!

Hennessy? Hennessy!

Bogardus! To me!

I have kicked down enough doors and windows in my time,

and I do not want to have to do it again!

I want to thank you all,

for everything you have done to your bodies!

It's still real to me, dammit!

Lucas! Let's go get one of our prisoners.

I intend to arouse us into some form of action!

No matter what it takes!

C'm on!

Time to wake up, my friends!

We cannot be just sleeping all the day,

wasting this life away.

Come out to meet your family!

Oh!

This place smells like shit!

Yes, yes Lord Benny.

Thank you for this project you give to me. [flies buzzing]

These prisoners have become to me like family.

I care for them.

I treat them well.

You see, I give them buckets to defecate.

This is like dream come true to me.

Well...

what do we have here, Lucas?

Here we have librarian from school,

and, bursar from the same institution, Lord Benny.

The Promised Men find this one guilty.

Guilty as charged.

[captive moans]

[Benny] Bring him to the execution spot.

[Bogardus] Yeah, serves the fucker right.

Time to go now, Jellybean.

Meet again soon.

Soon?

[Lucas] Hope to meet again soon!

[woman] Jellybean...

Good to get to know you, Jellybean.

[woman] Jellybean.

This is you. Yes, Jellybean.

Time to go now.

[shuffling footsteps]

[Lucas] Go now.

[intense music] [radio chatter]

[light thwacking]

[muted splashes]

[thud]

What's your name?

Lloyd.

Is that short for "mongoloid?"

[laughter]

[Lloyd] My name is Lloyd Gray.

I'm a Christian man.

I got a family,

and I got a soul...

[metallic impact] Urgh!

Eh! Jeez look at that pumpkin head swell!

- [Promised Man] Nice one! - [Benny] Okay...

Who wants to finish this leftist piece of shit?

- Me! - I got him!

No, no, no. You've all had your turn.

Where's Walter?

He's not yet been blooded.

- [Benny] Go fetch the boy. - [Promised Man] Hey, where's Walter!?

Fuck's going on?

[Promised Man] There's the little guy.

[Spragg] That's like, a little kid.

Oh, there you are, young man.

Step forward, boy,

time for you to nut up and get some hair on that sack.

Hey there, young man.

Lucas!

Come bring us one of those gizmos you're so proud of!

[Promised Man] Here comes Lucas.

Damn Lucas, all tactical and practical.

[Funlatching]

[Promised Men exclaim in admiration]

It's time to have a big day here.

[radio] Lucas has arrived at the execution spot.

[Lucas] This is part, is, not my favorite.

[Promised Men chortle and guffaw]

This part, disgusting to me.

Homosexual. Why do I do this?

I explain. [squelching]

Dildo-bomb, as designed,

to explode anal cavity...

[Lucas grunting]

Must be inserted rectally.

There is no other way.

Sodomy, an abomination, yes?

Not my preference.

There is no other way.

[Spragg] Oh, Lord.

[Promised Man] Lucas is one sick puppy.

[Spragg] I didn't sign up for that.

Okay, young squit.

Walter, my state of the art dildo-bomb...

...is fully inserted and ready for detonation.

- [Walter] Cool! - And you push that little trigger.

It's gonna make Lucas' state-of-the-art dildo-bomb explode.

[Spragg] Kid's like three years old dude.

[Promised Man] Way to man up, Walter!

[powerful explosion]

[squishy slap]

[Promised Men cheer]

[intense music]

- [Promised Man] He ain't laughin' now! - [Cheering]

[Promised Man] That's gonna leave a mark!

[chambering round]

[gunshot] [yelp]

The revolution starts here!

Move with purpose!

It's go time, ladies.

Pack your shit!

We will move on Brendan Bean,

and then we will collect my Hoagie,

and your names will be written in history!

[radio] Viking Six and Saber Team,

We are moving out.

We're going on a little road trip, ladies.

[checking and loading guns]

[Radio] Benny!

Benny, this is Benteen.

Get back to me!

This old cowboy desperado has seen his last rodeo.

I wish I could ride with you again.

But it's time to hang up my spurs.

Vaya con dios, Blanco.

Benteen...

You are a gleaming testament to the white race,

A great killer of men,

and a towering force of devastation, this world has not seen since Attila

and his unruly Huns held dominion over Central Asia.

Take care of the compound.

You have the con, my old friend.

Benny!

Benny, are you there?

Losing you god dammit!

Benny, where the hell are you?

Answer!

[Benteen] Pick up!

[engine]

I know you!

This is nice woman I talk to!

[Benny] Lucas, what are you harpin' on about?!

[Woman] Jelly... Jellybean...

Hello!

It's good to see you again so soon!

You remember me!?

It was nice to be meeting you!

Ahhhh!

[squelching thud]

[van engine]

[radio chatter]

[radio] Copy that Viking One.

We are collecting the bastard homunculi.

Preparing them for transportation.

[Hoagie cooing]

Go!

[Brendan] All righty, Hoagie.

Here we are.

Home sweet home.

[teapot whistle]

[pouring]

[Brendan] This hot tea is just what I need.

[Hoagie] Hot tea! Yum yum.

[Brendan] Sorry, Hoagie, it's got caffeine.

[Hoagie grumbling]

[Brendan] Oh, I got a voicemail from Davidson Dugan.

[Hoagie] Davidson Dugan?

[Davidson] Boy, I sure hope you get this message in time.

Link just filled the team in.

There's been lots of chatter on several subreddits about homunculi,

Matching the very same physical makeup as our Hoagie.

A group calling themselves the Promised Men...

...have been raving about it.

They're led by a foul,

nasty man who calls himself Benny Piazza.

Here, I forwarded you the latest video postings.

Brendan, I must warn you,

he seems dangerous and completely irrational.

[commercial] Tired of those other guys burgers with no sauce?

The fatty patty six-stack is back in big way.

Go to town with our signature brown sauce.

More brown sauce.

You only live once, don't hold back.

You didn't forget the beans-can, didja boys?

Anderson Valley Ranch, it is so good.

[Benny] A lot of people ask me, Benny, how are you so strong?

[man grunts in pain]

[Brendan] Benny Piazza?

[Benny] Health is an essential tenant of the Promised Men.

And with the Promised Men's protein power,

with BCAAs, electrolyte amino acids, triglycerides, and adaptogens...

Grow strong!

Our protein is on a hundred percent...

[Brendan] Okay, this guy's weird.

[Benny] Pure whey. No way. You got it.

We got amino branch...

I don't care if you use full stem or non-stem pre,

but you gotta get that pump.

The pursuit of the pump with the mind-muscle connection,

ls what the Promised Men are all about.

We don't use roids around here. But we...

[Hoagie] It's fun.

Well, this guy seems like a complete lunatic.

Lucky thing he has no idea where we are, who I am, or how to find us.

Come on, Hoagie.

Let's get to bed.

[Hoagie] Bedtime?

I have located the homunculus, Brendan Bean.

I know who you are.

I know where you hide.

And while you cower in fear have no doubt...

...that my forces are gathering.

And we will fall upon you,

with all of our fury and all of our arsenal.

I will wipe you and your seed from this earth,

and reclaim what is rightfully mine.

Your days are numbered, Bean.

Get it?

[ominous guitar twangs]

[man sighs] [gasoline glugs]

Takes forever.

[birds chatter]

Mmmm, breakfast.

[ignition]

[lawnmower]

[peeling]

Mmmm.

[ominous guitar twangs]

You ready over there, Lucas?

Yes, Lord Benny.

You know this man eat egg for breakfast? [moist egg bite]

We may have underestimated this one.

We're gonna move on my signal.

Stay focused, no theatrics.

[babbling brook]

[man] Didn't get my 40 winks last night.

My sciatica's giving me hell.

Sounds like a herniated disc.

Any time I eat too much, my nose gets a little runny.

Okay. Let's move, Lucas.

Staggered formation.

Steak dinner to the man that brings me Bean alive.

[badass assault music]

[Benny] Saber team on my mark, go.

Go! Move, move, move.

[grass rustling] [footsteps]

[Benny] Saber Team, converge on Bean.

Move, move, move!

Lucas, no witnesses.

Take the neighbor out of commission ASAP.

[gunshot] [grunt]

[lawnmower]

[moist bite]

[Benny] Shoot to maim.

Bring him to me.

[rustling footsteps]

[gunshot]

[Brendan moaning]

[radio chatter]

The tango is down.

Benny tagged him in one shot.

Operation is a success.

[Benny] It's Miller time, ladies.

You boys owe yourself a beer.

[Promised Man] I don't know what's going to happen to you.

But it's not gonna be pretty.

[Promised Man] What do you think Benny's gonna do with him?

[Benny] We got a problem, Bean.

Big problem.

The creature was incubated and brooded on my watch,

Benny... Bad.

The fruit of my labor and of my loins.

[Hoagie] Bad!

But he went and hatched in your lap.

This life form thinks you're his friend and mayhaps the paterfamilias.

[Hoagie] Brendan...

I will not allow this...

violation.

He has imprinted with you,

and now you must surrender him.

Body and spirit.

You're a vampire, Benny.

You prey on weak people's blood.

You're talking to the man who wrestled down the devil...

...and fucked him in the ass.

Let me make this shit-simple.

My man Spragg is going to go to work on that homunculus.

Undo the damage that you have caused.

And then my ever loyal servant Lucas is going to allow you to marinate

all night long in one of his creations...

The Shit Box.

[Lucas] Here we have box.

Strong, made of metal.

Also, we have shit saved up.

This my design here simple.

Shit go in.

You go in.

Not the box.

Then we wait.

Maybe long time we wait.

This is like, experiment.

You go in box, then we see what happens.

What's going to happen?

These turds smell like shit!

Use this elixir with caution soldier.

Lucas' blend.

A consecrated and divine potion, anathema to homunculi.

[Promised Man] Huh, it's that magic juice.

- [Brendan] Hoagie! - [Hoagie] Brendan!

Hoagie!

[Hoagie] Brendan! Help me!

Whenever your wife and kids get home from wherever the fuck,

I will haul you out of that shit box,

and allow you to observe,

as I put a round in each and every one of their cerebellums.

Extinguishing their trivial lives.

And only then will I do you the courtesy...

...of sending you into the bosom of Abraham.

[Hoagie grunting]

[Spragg] Shut up you little turd!

[Hoagie grunts]

[Promised Man] I hope you like shit.

Time for a shitty dip.

[Promised Man] That smells awful.

[Brendan moaning]

[Brendan] Ahhhh!

Unggh!

[Brendan moans in disgust and fear]

[Brendan whimpering]

[foreboding and mysterious music]

[Benny] You got your casein protein, your whey protein, my collagen protein.

Stacked and jacked.

[promised men chattering]

[foil bubbling]

You stay away from that linseed oil.

[mysterious music]

[Blast-Face moans and grunts]

[podcast chatter]

[commercial] Mmm, wanna fuck a duck?

How about now?

[birdsong]

[radio] Hi, uh, Commander Piazza...

...says that chow is ready at the command center.

Umm, we got flapjacks and breakfast burritos.

[interrogative music]

[Lucas] Did not lock it the shit box.

Brendan!

Why do you hide from me?

You know me!

That's right Lucas, you fucking prick,

You forgot to lock the shit box.

You know who I am! I'm inside you!

[squelch]

It's like I'm controlling inside of your mind right now.

Brendan Bean.

This is you, this is me too!

I'm Brendan Bean.

I would want go back into shit box.

You see, I don't have a weapon.

I don't want to hurt my friend.

You play this game good.

When you play the game,

you have your two choices

to win

or to lose.

Why would you choose to lose?

You lose this game you play Brendan.

My name is Brendan Bean.

[Lucas] Brendan Bean?

And I'm a winner!

[heavy thud]

[grunting]

[bluesy guitar music]

[shattering]

[smack] [grunts of pain]

[dirt scattering]

[smashing]

[snapping wood and debris]

[heavy thud]

[flesh chop] [Lucas screams]

[shattering glass]

[shuffling bodies] [grunting]

[lawnmower starts]

[Hoagie moaning]

Don't you look at me like that you little freak.

I don't like this any more than you do.

I should be at the Indian casino...

...checking out Chris Angel with my old lady.

[squishy bite]

Instead I'm stuck here wiping your nose you little mole!

- No! - Shut up!

[heavy thud]

Fuck you!

[Spragg] Fuck me?

Fuck you.

[bottle shattering]

[bottle shattering]

[shuffling wood]

[fleshy stab] [grunting]

[sucking wound]

[bottle shattering]

[wood clattering to ground]

You... eat egg...

For breakfast?

Egg, for breakfast?

Lucas.

You're a very bad man. [hammer click]

But I didn't want to have to hurt you.

[tremendous boom]

[agonized moan] [body sliding across ground]

[corpse plop]

[gentle patter of blood dripping]

[lawnmower turns off]

[instrumental music]

[Spragg] Benny, we got, uh...

We got gunfire out here.

[Benny] I'm sure some of the boys are just fucking around.

You keep working on that little shit.

Kiss my ass!

[Spragg] Affirmative.

Well...

Here goes nuthin' shit bird.

[Hoagie moans in pain] [flesh dissolving sizzle]

[Hoagie] Pain! Pain!

[water splashing]

[music picks up in intensity]

[Brendan] This looks like a nice gun.

[Promised Man] Heads up, soy boy.

You're fixing to use that puppy?

Have to flip the safety.

Little doohickey on the side.

[click]

- Oh shit! - Ahhhhh!

[gunfire] [flesh ripping]

[gunfire]

Argh!

[Promised Man moaning]

[radio] Gunfire reported.

Hostile is on the loose.

[gunfire]

It's Brendan Bean!

[gunfire] [debris]

[gunfire]

[body plop]

[gunfire] [debris]

[scream] [corpse slam]

[Brendan] Die, motherfucker!

[gunfire] [debris]

[gunfire] [debris]

[gunfire] [debris]

[grunts of death] [plopping corpses]

[Brendan] I'm actually killing these guys!

[Hoagie] Pain!

- [Spragg] Oh shit! - I melted the little guy!

[radio] The fire team is down!

- [radio] Reporting several casualties. - [melty squelches]

We need backup!

This dude's a fuckin' killing machine! [gunfire]

Benny, do you hear me!? [gunfire]

Benny! [gunshot]

[death-grunt]

Benny, where are you!?

[gunshot] Show yourself!

Benny, this is my house!

And the house always wins!

What the hell is going on out there?

[Bogardus] Benny, it's a fucking bloodbath!

Gimme a SITREP!

He's a total badass.

Guy is a ghost.

Bogardus!?

Ex-special forces or something.

Bogardus!?

This guy must have a doctorate in shredding ass.

[Promised Man] Ready to rock!

[Benny muttering]

Get out there and check the perimeter!

You got it Benny!

Anybody sees Bogardus you let me know ASAP!

I need a SITREP!

Benny's gonna barbecue my ass! [squelch]

Benny Piazza!

You trying to hide!?

Shit.

[Brendan] Ah shut up!

Ahhhhhh! Ahhhhhh! [gunfire]

[shell casings tinkling]

[wet thud]

Ahhhhhh!

- [Promised Man] I got him! - [Brendan] Benny!?

[gunfire] Yahh!

[Brendan] Yes! More guns!

[music gets more badass]

It's Bean!

Go, go, go!

[Promised Man moaning in pain]

Hi! How you doin?

[gunfire]

Psycho sack of maggot bag of puke!

[gunfire] [meaty chunks splattering]

[gun clicks]

Uh!

Light him up! [gunfire]

[gunfire]

[gunfire] [debris]

[epic guitar music]

[Promised Man] We got him pinned down!

[Sheriff] Here, Beanie Beanie!

[gunfire] [debris]

[Promised Man] Sheriff guy's got him.

[Sheriff] Come on out.

Ahhhh! [meaty bite]

[revolver fires]

[Grunting]

[gunfire]

[Promised Man] Shit!

[gunfire] [meaty explosions]

[Promised Man] Re-loading!

Suck on this!

[pistol shot] [brains and chunks expel]

[shotgun blast] [debris]

[pistol shot]

[Brendan] Die!

Haha! Gotcha!

[radio] We have lost sight of the target and are proceeding with extreme caution.

Over.

[distant gunfire]

Benny, we just assumed he was harmless.

Assumption is mother and midwife to all fuck ups, hermano.

[Promised Man] No. Please.

[Benny] Now, go to sleep.

[neck snapping] [grunt]

[mysterious and mischievous music] [Bastard Homunculi chortle and giggle]

[Blast-Face] Hey Benny, what happened to your Promised Men!?

- He's all alone! - [Trickster] They're all dead!

[Female Hoagie] All of your buddies are dead!

[Bastard Homunculi laugh and jeer]

You little monsters.

I curse the day I created you.

Gaaaahhhh! [gunfire]

[gunfire] [exploding homunculi]

Gahhhh!

[radio chatter]

[shotgun blast] [Promised Man] Gah!

[body plop] Ahhh!

[gunfire] [debris]

[Promised Man] He took my leg!

[gunfire] [debris]

[shotgun racks]

He took my leg!

[shotgun blast] [genital shredding squelch]

[gunfire] [body thud]

[Brendan] Good night, shithead!

My nards! My jewels! [shotgun racks]

[Promised Man] No, no, no, no, no...

[shotgun blast] [squishy splat]

[Brendan] Bye bye bubble-butt! [shotgun racks]

[Promised Man] Hey asshole! Gimme an ambulance you sick fuck!

Dirty prick!

[shotgun blast] [explosive squelch]

[gurgling skull] [Brendan] Say please, asshole!

- [Brendan] Cuckoo! - [Promised Man] Oh god, Jeez!

[shotgun blast] [heavy thud]

[Brendan] Sorry!

[radio] Target acquired.

[gunfire] [shattering glass]

[gunfire] [metal impacts and ricochets]

[Benny] Spragg, this is Benny!

Spragg, where the hell are you!?

I need you out here soldier. I need every swingin' dick we got!

[fleshy constriction] [heavy squelching]

[orifice squishing] [Spragg moaning]

[flesh-dissolving sizzle] [sustained squelching]

[flesh crunching] [splattering liquid]

Ahhhhhhhh!

[bubbling] [steaming]

[thud]

[gunfire]

[eerie music with Gregorian chanting]

[ripping flesh] [demonic growls]

[demonic moans]

[whooshing]

[instrumental music intensifies]

[demonic growl]

[radio chatter]

Gahhh!

[Demonic growling] [stabbing]

[gut-ripping squelch]

[gut-ripping squelch]

[dying wheeze]

[demonic huffing]

[demonic growling]

[gunshot]

I'm offering two steak dinners to any swinging dick...

...that can deep six that asshole!

- Go! - [Bogardus] Let's get him you guys!

I'm gonna give your head to Salome mortherfucker.

[Benny] Tarkowski and Jones,

You two sweep the house.

Locate Bean,

and exterminate that motherfucker!

Who's got eyes on me!?

Who's got eyes on me? Anybody?

Can somebody get me a goddamn SITREP?

What the fuck is going on?

[instrumental music]

Hey Benny, this is Tarkowski.

I'm checkin' out the basement.

Check.

Keep your head on a swivel and mind your six.

SITREP when cleared.

[Demon Brendan] Tarkowski...

You're mine.

[gunfire]

Tarkowskiiiii...

Tarkowski, I'm over here.

[meaty stab] [Tarkowski grunts]

[stabbing]

[demonic grunting]

[demonic grunts] [gurgling blood]

[Tarkowski screaming]

[Demon Brendan] Nice face...

[blade clatters to floor]

[flesh stretching]

[face peeling flesh-squelch]

I'll take it.

Somebody check on Tarkowski, dammit!

[music intensifies]

[demonic muttering]

[footsteps]

Tarkowski...

[Tarkowski gargling]

He took his fuckin' face.

[chainsaw roaring]

[scrotum pulping squelching] [screaming]

[chainsaw whirring] [blood and meat splattering]

[chainsaw buzzing] [thud]

[muted chainsaw buzzing]

[Demon Brendan] Pretty face...

[squishing]

[squishing]

[demonic grunting]

[radio chatter]

[sizzling]

[glass smashing] [grunt]

[bone crunching snap]

[stab] [grunt]

[Brendan] I love you beautiful kids so much.

You're everything to me.

[thundering whoosh]

[Benny] Uh, can I get an update?

Can I get an update? Over.

[growing pressure] [fleshy pumping]

[moist bubbling]

[powerful explosion]

[intense instrumental synth music]

[steam hisses]

[fleshy breaching] [monstrous moaning]

[squishes and squelches]

[wet slapping]

[steam hiss] [squishes]

[Mega-Hoagie grunting]

[fleshy rips]

[footsteps]

[ejecting clip]

[reloading]

[wood splintering]

[Mega-Hoagie moaning]

Hoagie has metamorphosed.

[Mega-Hoagie growls]

Wow!

He's huge.

Get a hold of that beast!

Oh Lord, what have I wrought?

[Bogardus] Come on guys!

Let's defend ourselves!

Eat it, you bitch!

[Brendan] Yeah, that's it Hoagie!

Rip 'em a new one!

[Brendan laughing]

[Benny] Don't all stand in the circle.

Attack him all at once!

[thud]

[Bogardus yells in fear]

[skull-bashing squelch]

Bogardus!

[thud]

I got $100 gift card to Claim Jumpers

to whoever captures that beast!

[thud]

[thwack] [Promised Man yelps]

[Brendan] Yeah, yeah!

There you go Hoagie, rip 'em a new asshole!

[Promised Man screams in fear]

[Brendan] Yeah! Give him the ole one-two!

Yeah, get him!

[head crushing squish]

[Mega-Hoagie muttering]

I wanted to spare your life.

You were my creation.

But I see you now, Hoagie.

[Brendan] Watch out Hoagie, he's got a knife.

No, he's my friend!

[Mega-Hoagie grunting in pain]

[juicy stab]

Noooo!

[dramatic music]

[Brendan] No, stop! Benny!

You're hurting him! You're hurting him!

Can't you see that he's hurt!?

♪ Hoagie ♪

♪ Hoagie ♪

♪ Hoagie ♪

♪ Hoagie ♪

[Brendan] Hoagie...

You're my very best friend.

And friends never say goodbye.

♪ Hoagie ♪

♪ Hoagie ♪

[gunshot] [brain splattering]

[running footsteps]

[gunshot] [ricochet]

[gunshot] [Benny] Take a bite out of me!?

[gunshot] You wanna take a bite out of Benny!?

[gunshot] Take a bite out of Benny!?

You wanna take a bite out of me?

You'll be licking your asshole for a month...

...trying to get the taste out of yer mouth.

Kiss my ass, Benny.

And I'll lay a lil dookie in there for ya! [kick impact]

[Brendan roars] [body crashing]

[blade unsheathing]

[blade unsheathing]

I'm gonna drop you like a hot turd.

[blades striking] [whooshing of knives]

[instrumental music]

[grunting] [clang of metal]

[slicing flesh]

[blades striking] [whooshing of knives]

[grunting] [smashing and clattering]

[fleshy slice]

[struggling grunts]

[dull thuds] [grunts of pain]

[blade whoosh] [squishy slash]

[heavy thud] [grunt of pain]

[struggling]

[heavy impact]

[struggling]

[slicing] [Brendan grunts]

[struggling]

[slicing]

[thud]

[struggling]

[meaty stab] [gushing blood]

[squish] [Benny grunts in pain]

[moist pull]

[heavy wet impact] [Benny grunts]

[Benny in agony] [blood squirting]

[wet pull]

[dripping blood]

[Benny moaning]

[Benny grunting]

[heavy machinery whirring]

[Benny screams] [bone crushing squelches]

[wood splitting]

[heavy machinery whirring]

[blood dripping] [Benny moaning]

[Benny grunting]

I guess I cut off a plug of tobacco

bigger than I could chew.

You're pretty good, Bean...

I never knew

what a warrior you could be.

[dramatic music]

My son.

My boy.

I forgive you,

I forgive you your transgressions.

Come give your father a hug!

[flesh rending rip]

[blood dripping]

[thud]

♪ Into the water ♪

♪ I wade out and see ♪

♪ The reflection of a man looking back at me ♪

♪ A man we knew ♪

♪ Who brought only grief ♪

♪ A liar, a cheater, a heartbreaking lonesome thief ♪

[car horn honks]

♪ He wore my name ♪

♪ For I was he ♪

♪ But he vanished away when I banished him out to sea ♪

[childen yammer]

♪ Every now and then ♪

♪ He comes back to shore ♪

♪ And I find myself trapped with that man behind a locked door ♪

♪ In a cell called my soul ♪

♪ I found a way ♪

♪ To break free ♪

♪ To give up the ghost and be more of the man you need me to be ♪

♪ I found a way ♪

♪ I found a way ♪

♪ To move from my past and grow into the man that you see here today ♪

♪ I found a way ♪

[diegetic nu-metal]

[door squeaks]

[shoveling dirt]

[mysterious music]

[shoveling dirt]

[footsteps approach]

What is that thing?

That's a Hoagie.

It's kind of like an alien, maybe.

Or like a troll.

It could be dead, but it could be alive.

What does that thing do?

Well, it holds all kinds of, like,

arcane powers and stuff, like,

if you got, like, osteoporosis or,

like, problems with your boner, or like, plantar fasciitis,

like, Hoagie can fix all of that, I mean, easy.

Where did that thing come from?

Brunt had to dig though so many garbages,

and, like, he chopped it off with a saw

and put it in that jar so we can sell it on Facebook Marketplace.

Because, you know, it does grant, like,

your darkest desires and your deepest wishes.

But where did it come from?

Well, it all started

a hell a, hell a long ass time ago...

There were these, like,

dirty, super nasty, grody ass, dirty miner guys...

[meaty squelching]