Original subtitles

[snoring]

[nostalgic lullaby playing]

FLEISCHER 24-HOUR TOWING SERVICE

[narrator] If there are three things Toni Fleischer's always been good at,

it's sleeping, procrastinating, and sleeping.

Until now.

[snorts]

[screaming]

[Charly screaming]

[screams again]

[Charly screaming again louder]

[distant screaming]

[both screaming]

-[Johnny] Hello? -What are you doing here?

I had a nightmare.

Can I sleep in your bed?

Here?

[narrator] Charly didn't have a nightmare, of course.

-Okay. -[narrator] He's never had a nightmare…

[Charly] Okay. -…he just wanted to cuddle with his dad.

[Toni grunts]

And so Toni learned the first big lesson of parenthood.

[sighs]

-[lawnmower running] -[bird chirping]

No more sleep ever.

[Charly] Mm!

Good morning!

I'll make breakfast.

-[Toni groans] -["Sunshine" by Twista playing]

[rapping] ♪ Let's get them dollars ♪

♪ Let's get this money ♪

[Toni groans]

♪ Keep my mind on my ♪

♪ I keep my mind on my money Money on my mind ♪

♪ I got my finger on the trigger Stayin' on the grind ♪

♪ Now when I wake up in the mornin' I gots to hit a lick ♪

♪ Saw the 2003 Navi' On Spre's with a kick ♪

♪ Soon as my eyes see the sunshine ♪

♪ My thoughts is jukin' the block Dodgin' the one time ♪

♪ Peep how we movin' them rocks and Pounds of dro before I double my shit ♪

♪ I can serve 16 ounces for 6 And get back 96 ♪

♪ A killer for the scrilla Best not be stalk-- ♪

[blender whirring, then stops]

-[Johnny] Toni. -Mm.

Would you look at all the creative things your boy made us for breakfast?

-[Toni] Mm. -Spicy ketchup cream fountain,

sour snake farfalle Jell-O, sausage water coffee.

[gagging]

[Charly] Chocolate scrambled eggs.

How'd you sleep?

Are you serious?

[Johnny] I slept like a rock.

-Hm. -Dig in.

-[Johnny] Yeah! -I'm not really a breakfast guy.

Cornflakes and coffee.

Best combo. I've been doing it all my life.

[clearing throat]

THE BEST DAD

[Johnny clearing throat] Toni…

[through gritted teeth] Charly put in a lot of effort.

-[Johnny clears throat] -Okay, I'll try just a bit.

[hopeful organ music playing]

[moans] Goddammit, that's delicious.

Scrambled eggs with chocolate.

[crying] It tastes like love in my mouth.

Speaking of love,

do you think it's A, totally normal, or B, a little weird,

to be in love with your cousin?

Asking for a friend.

A guy in my class made out with his cousin.

Aww.

"Konny the Cousin Kisser", that's what they called him then.

-For years, they all made fun of him. -[Johnny] Hm.

Well, where I come from, which is Oaxaca, Mexico,

that's very normal.

-[Charly laughs] -You know what?

Lots of famous people in history were married to their cousins. That's a fact.

-Albert Einstein… -[Charly gasps]

…Charles Darwin, my father. Heh.

[Johnny clearing throat]

-Hm. -Okay, next topic, today's plan.

Papa, since you missed the last 13 years of my life,

I want to do stand-up paddleboard limbo with you.

Aww.

So, are you in?

[gulps] Sadly, I don't have time. I have to write.

A hit.

Yep. Your papa's going to write a hit now.

[door closes]

Don't take it too hard.

Paddle board limbo's too dangerous anyway, and you have to go to school.

I'll just clean up a bit.

-[horror music playing] -[Tupac quacks]

Yeah, I guess I could--

Cool, thanks. Ciao.

And if someone wants me,

I'll be spending a few hours today gloomily gazing at the view.

-[Toni] Shut up, Johnny! -Okay. Mm.

[narrator] Meanwhile, our heroes had no idea that

that Mayor Veronica Ferres and her son

were cooking up a plan to take something away from them.

[comically sinister music playing]

An evil plan.

Of course it was an evil plan. Look at them.

Do they look like their plans are good?

CRAP HAPPENS

[whimsical music playing]

'Kay. Let's get down to business.

[narrator] Today everything was supposed to be about Toni's hit.

[drumming] Hit. Hit, hit, hit, hit, hit.

[clock ticking]

[sighs]

Supposed to be.

In 18 freaking years, Toni hadn't finished a single song.

-[yawning] -Now he only had two weeks,

and thanks to Charly, he was feeling incredibly tired.

I'll just shut my eyes for one minute.

[snoring]

[narrator] Yep. He's still got it.

-The Master of Naps. -[snoring continues]

[bell ringing]

Even though his morning wasn't exactly off to a perfect start,

Charly was really looking forward to seeing Sascha.

[Charly] Hi.

[narrator] Apparently, the whole cousin thing was a problem for her,

but Charly was ready to deal with that.

-Hi. -Hi.

So I've been thinking…

Cool, me too. And doing some research.

GENETICS FOR DUMMIES

COUSINS SEX

-[moaning on computer] -[Charly exclaims]

Did you know that over 30% of the internet consists of pornography?

-Yeah, of course. -Cool.

What I actually wanted to say is,

some might think it's a problem we're cousins,

and I guess in our culture it isn't really a thing,

but if we were to move to somewhere like Mexico for example, after graduation,

-we'd be fine. And my grandpa said-- -It's over, Charly.

[exhales]

[melancholy music playing]

What?

[narrator] The first heartbreak of his life.

Please, no.

[echoing] But we can still be friends. Okay?

[organ continues melancholy tune]

Shut up for a minute!

[organ stops abruptly]

[laughs] See?

That's the level of authority I have here.

Here, I'm practically… God.

Yeah.

So, let me introduce you to our newest band member.

This is Köbi from Switzerland. [laughs]

Yeah. Go on.

[in Swiss German accent] Okay. Uh… Grüezi, everybody, hi.

-[Paule laughs] Um, so…

-I'm Köbi… -Oh.

…and my folks got a divorce.

So that's why my old man brought me to Schitten, so here we are.

And because the air here's so clean. It's nice.

He's not having a stroke, kids. That's how they talk.

[both chuckling awkwardly]

Right, Köbi? [laughs]

-Now show these losers what you've got. -[Köbi grunts]

[feedback whines]

[playing complicated riff]

-[finishes] -[Paule] Shit.

-[clapping continues] -[Paule chuckles]

That was really cool.

Um, hi, I'm Sascha.

I'm Köbi.

Well, my friends actually call me Köbi sometimes. Or Köbi.

Anyhow, either's fine. Köbi's fine…

[narrator] Köbi? What a stupid name.

Hi, Köbi.

Hi. Really cool to meet you, Sascha.

[sinister music playing]

[violin playing horror film notes]

Get your instruments.

[groans]

Köbi…

[clock ticking]

[snores]

[ticking continues]

[Dalia] Tick-tock, tick…

-Two weeks to go. -…tock!

I don't handle pressure super well.

-And the ticking clock won't stop ticking. -Tick-tock!

Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick.

[snorts, gasps]

Fuck! Shit!

[narrator] Slept half the day away.

-Shit, shit. -Crap, goddammit. Crap!

Why the hell's Toni so damn good at taking naps?

He has to start.

-He wants to. He really does. -[plays]

GLASS FIGURES

But instead, he procrastinates like a boss.

[grunting and groaning]

[vocalizing, makes crashing noise]

Oh, oh…

[tambourine jingles]

SECRET FANTASIES

[narrator] Sure enough, procrastinating actually helped. As always.

12 STEPS TO BECOMING A RAP GOD

-Huso? -A VHS he'd asked for as a birthday gift.

"Twelve Steps to Becoming a Rap God."

Could he find what he'd desperately been looking for,

for what felt like a solid ten minutes, on this lousy retro rap guide?

[school bell ringing]

[Köbi] So yeah, the cow actually ate my shoe.

And then I hopped all the way to the top of the mountain on one leg.

And when we came back down three days later,

my shoe was just lying there on the grass.

[narrator] Charly was jealous for the first time.

[Köbi laughs]

The stupid cow shat the shoe out, just like that.

And look, it's completely fine.

[narrator] Unfortunately, he couldn't think of anything better than…

-[Köbi] It's crazy. -[Sascha] Yeah, so crazy.

I have a pet duck now, check it out.

Oh, it seems so happy.

-Mm-hmm. -I've always wanted a pet too.

However, I'm allergic to nearly all kinds of critters.

[Charly laughs derisively]

Did he just say he's allergic all kinds of critters?

Yeah, especially dogs, actually.

[Charly] Allergic to dogs.

You're so sensitive, Köbi.

[school bell ringing]

I gotta go help my mom.

She owns a jail.

-Cool. -See you, Köbi.

[laughs shyly] See you around, Sascha.

[narrator] Charly was certain: he had to get rid of his Swiss rival.

Oh, uh… Hey, Charly, um…

Tell me, what do cool guys like you do in Schitten for fun?

And is there a local alpenhorn venue?

[narrator] And this was his chance.

Well…

Sascha and I hang out at the abandoned hangar lot. Um…

-Oh. -You should come by sometime.

Hang out?

No, hangar.

-Okay, well, that's really nice, thanks. -Hm.

I'm sure we're gonna be best friends.

-[ominous music playing] -Sure, Köbi.

Okay, see you in a bit then.

[narrator] Here's what Charly didn't tell Köbi.

No one who wasn't suicidal ever hung out there.

After the big animal shelter breakout in 2001,

a bunch of wild dogs created their own little society

-on the abandoned hangar lot… -[dogs barking]

-[chuckling evilly] -…kinda like Planet of the Apes,

-only with dogs. [barking and laughing continue]

Charly.

What kind of evil laugh is that?

This is a true evil laugh.

[low, mirthless laughter]

[disturbing laughter]

[deranged gibbering]

[clears throat]

Well, I'll see you tomorrow.

-Mr. Paule… -See you. [clears throat]

Heh. That was good.

Oh, right, the hospital, I forgot.

[old-school hip-hop music playing on TV]

RAP GOD

[Huso] Twelve Steps to Becoming a Rap God.

What up, kids? It's your boy, Huso, your favorite hip-hop hand puppet.

[laughing]

Yeah!

[narrator] Huso the hip-hop hand puppet was a big deal in '90s German rap.

But after a meteoric rise,

millions of record sales and tons of ad deals,

came the inevitable downfall.

-Drugs, scandals… -Hey, stop filming me, asshole!

…and as a final Hail Mary, rap tutorial videos.

Toni couldn't remember exactly what Huso's tips were,

but he did remember thinking they were pure genius back then.

Are you all ready?

-Yeah! -[Huso] Woo-hoo!

Just follow my 12 steps and become a real-deal rapper!

RAPPERS

Step one of my twelve-step program:

tidy up your room.

[Huso laughs]

[shattering]

JOHNNY'S JUNK

Step two.

Rapping with a friend is a lot more fun.

So go fetch yourself a buddy and get started.

-[Toni] Hold still. -[Tupac chitters]

[chirps]

Gangsta? You're a baby duck.

[narrator] Yeah, Tupac's gangsta!

Aight, now for step three…

Oh.

[snorting]

-Awesome! Whoo! -Huso?

[laughing]

Okay, now go and find your mother's purse,

snatch 100 German marks

and send them to Huso Hoffmann,

23 A Flow Avenue.

-Go, go, go, go! -Not this time, Huso. Not doing it.

[laughing deliriously]

If you wanna write an iconic and catchy rap song,

and I mean a real hit,

there's just one thing you need.

-Oh! -And that thing is

the--

[VHS stops]

Huso? No.

-[narrator] Info time for the Gen Zers. -Huso!

GRANDPA'S BURIAL

Ten million years ago, back in the VHS days,

if you didn't do this,

you'd probably end up recording over what was on the tape.

Which is exactly what Toni did with…

Armageddon.

-[narrator] Armageddon. -[gasps]

[narrator] An asteroid is heading for Earth,

and the Americans fly off to save us all.

Ah, the good old days.

["I Don't Want to Miss a Thing" by Aerosmith playing]

♪ Don't want to close my eyes ♪

It was the first movie Toni had ever seen in a theater,

and he went on to watch it a record-breaking 819 more times.

♪ Even when I dream of you ♪

-[sobbing] -[explosion]

Bruce!

Oh God!

TANNING SALON

[narrator] While Toni procrastinated with the Hollywood blockbuster,

Charly was on his way to meet Sascha.

With Köbi was out of the way, he wanted to give it another try.

POLICE & PEDICURES

So he went to the police station,

SCHITTEN-ON-HAVEL

which, due to budget cuts, was downsized so much

that in the end, only Nancy was left.

And to top it all off, she had to share it with a nail salon.

That's the last time, hear me, Vladimir?

Da. Thank you, Officer Fleischer.

[man giggling]

Hello, Aunt Nancy.

Hello, Charly.

Is Sascha here?

Ah. You've met?

At school.

And now you know you're cousins, right?

Isn't that great?

Sure.

She's over there.

[yelling] Hey, cell five! You've got a visitor!

Don't try anything!

I've always wanted to say that. It's an awesome line.

Mm-hmm.

Sadly, there are hardly any real prisoners or crimes.

[sighs deeply]

[foreboding music playing]

[narrator] But the police station/nail salon wasn't the only one cutting costs.

The Veronica Ferres way of life eats money for breakfast.

But now the solution to all her financial problems was suddenly within reach,

and Ferres had no time to waste.

[dialing on phone]

[page turns]

[dialing continues]

[phone buzzing]

dog barking]

Hello?

This is Veronica Ferres, your mayor.

I'm sorry for your loss, Johnny Carrera.

Thank you, I appreciate that.

How are you doing?

Well, I miss Wera.

All the books we started but never finished reading…

My only consolation is that my son and my grandson are visiting right now.

Johnny Carrera,

I understand you're the sole heir to Wera's beautiful property.

Is that true? Including the vegetable garden?

-Yes. -I'd like to buy it from you.

-For my sweet son. -For me?

Aww…

And I'm offering you…

SCHITTEN CAPITAL BANK PROPERTY TRANSFER - LOTS OF MONEY

[grunts]

…a really huge check.

But that check is far too huge.

That does sound like a really huge check.

Yep, anything for my son.

[Johnny] Hmm…

All right, I guess I should--

[Wera] Don't you dare, Johnny Carrera!

Oh! Oh, oh…

Down here.

Ahh!

You can't go through with it, Johnny Carrera.

Don't sell, she's up to no good.

-[screaming] -Hello?

-[muffled screams] -Don't act suspicious.

[Veronica] Hello? Uh…

Johnny, are you okay?

I… can't go through with this, Miss Mayor.

Uh… If it's about the amount, well, I have even huger checks.

Even huger?

Sorry, I can't sell.

-Hello? Hello? -[busy signal beeping]

-[gasps] -[Wera] You did well, Johnny Carrera.

I'll be back soon.

[Johnny gasps] Oh.

Oh…

[shaky murmur]

She'll be back.

Aww.

[squeals delightedly]

[bangs phone]

-Asshole. -Don't be angry, Mama.

I'm good, I don't need that place at all.

It is not for you, you idiot.

It's not?

So what do we do now?

[sinister music playing]

We'll just keep stealing it from them in secret.

[chuckles]

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

[laughs maniacally]

TOWN HALL

[evil laughter echoing]

[Paule] Now, that's an evil laugh!

Hey.

What are you doing here?

[cheesy romantic music playing]

Did you know that Albert Einstein was married to his cousin?

Yeah.

-[music stops] -Oh.

-[music restarts] Did you know Charles Darwin married

his cousin and had ten kids with her?

-Yeah, sure. -[music stops]

But Charles Darwin's first child, Annie, happened to die when she was ten.

Mary, the third, died right after birth.

The tenth, Charles Junior, died at two.

And all the others had their own issues.

I love you. You're so smart.

Charly, it's over.

Just deal with it.

Okay?

Okay.

[forlorn music playing]

[man over radio] Falcon to Mole! Falcon to Mole! Falcon to Mole. Over.

Hunter Harald.

A case for Nancy!

[face-paced, intriguing music playing]

[grunts]

Mole here, over.

[Harald] Uh, 3B-17 spotted in quadrant 87.

Proposing Operation Moonlight and requesting authorization. Over.

Harald, I don't know what your codes mean, over.

I found an injured rabbit by the old hangar lot.

[Nancy] By the hangar lot?

[Harald] Spotted a massive wild dog. Foam around mouth. Probably rabies. Over.

Rabies?

[Harald] Requesting napalm deployment.

[groans quietly]

Harald, it's a restricted area out there. You're in for a big ticket.

[Harald] We have to bomb them or we're done.

-They're going to kill us! -[hangs up]

[uneasy music playing]

[narrator] Charly just wanted to give Köbi a little scare.

-But rabies? -[uneasy music intensifies]

[Charly] Ahh!

I know what you did, kid.

[Charly breathes heavily]

And tell your mom I need an appointment for a haircut!

POLICE & PEDICURES

[narrator] Charly had to save Köbi, but he couldn't do it alone.

[stirring, emotional music playing on TV]

Best film ever.

[music continues]

[quacks]

Fine, I'll get back to writing.

[music stops]

[narrator] That's enough procrastinating now.

[sighs]

[cracking]

[narrator] All right. It's time to write a hit.

-[Charly gasping] -[Toni gasps]

-Papa, I need your help. -Right now?

Right now, yes! And it's a matter of life or death!

[motor accelerating]

[funky music playing]

[Toni] Dog hair allergy?

[Charly] Yeah.

Köbi. What kinda freak names their kid Köbi?

Okay, so now Köbi might die because you wanna keep making out with your cousin.

C'mon, don't put it like that, Papa.

It's not that horrible.

It is. I screwed up bad.

We'll save him, don't worry.

[funky music continues on radio]

[music stops]

I'm Konny.

What's that?

I'm Konny the Cousin Kisser.

Really?

Yeah. That's my middle name. Anton Kornelius Fleischer.

[laughing] What kind of freak names their kid Kornelius?

[laughing] Hey…

And your cousin?

[sentimental music playing]

She's your mother.

[laughs] Sike, man!

[continues laughing]

Oh, your face.

[both laughing]

[bicycle wheel spinning]

[dog barking in distance]

[foreboding music playing]

[grunts]

Sascha!

Charly! It's me, Köbi.

DOGS RUNNING LOOSE BEWARE

[yodeling]

[Toni's obnoxious ringtone playing]

ASSFACE (DUDE TRYING TO BE MY FATHER)

[Toni] Ugh.

Johnny?

[Johnny] Hey, you two!

What are you up to?

Father-son stuff.

Oh, father-son stuff!

That's nice.

-Um, so, listen, um… -[phone cuts out]

…the Mayor, you know?

And she wanted to just to have a ser…

-Johnny? -…the house…

-…and then I said-- -Johnny!

-I can't hear you. -…go thr…

Can you hear me? Hm?

[hip-hop music playing]

NO RECEPTION NO RECEPTION AT ALL

[dogs barking]

-[creepy music playing] -[gasps]

Charly? Sascha?

Are you there?

Uh… This is… well, a little creepy, actually.

[dog snarling and panting]

Ahh!

[continues screaming]

[tense music playing]

[Toni] Don't worry, we'll save that little Swiss kid.

[dog snarling]

[Köbi panting]

[tires screeching]

Köbi!

[Toni] Köbi!

What a stupid name.

Köbi!

[panting]

[dog snarling]

No, no!

Get away. Get away!

[distorted] Leave me alone!

[narrator] What happened next

was the single most terrifying moment of Köbi's entire life.

[puppies whining and whimpering]

[barking and whining]

[distorted] Go away! [shuddering]

[distorted] Go away!

-[puppies yipping] -[Köbi grunting]

[Toni] Köbi!

[Charly] Köbi!

[sniffing]

Shit.

[Köbi screaming]

-Köbi. -[Toni] Köbi!

[puppies whining]

[Köbi whimpers]

Help! Get away!

-Help! -Köbi!

Over there!

-Köbi! -[puppies barking]

[Toni laughing]

[Charly] Oh my God!

-[Köbi] Help! -[Charly] Hi!

-[Toni] So cute! -[Charly laughing]

-[Toni] Yes, you are! You are! -Oh!

Get away from those killer beasts!

Köbi, I'm so sorry.

The whole thing was a trap, but we're here to rescue you, okay?

I can't. I can't get out of here. It's way too dangerous.

[yips]

They're everywhere, and it's all infected!

Um… Apparently he can't get out 'cause of the dog hair.

That's it! There has to be another way to get me out of here.

Is there some other way to get him out of here?

[Köbi] Yeah.

I can't breathe.

[upbeat music playing]

-[Charly] We'll be right back. -What?

No, please! Don't leave me alone!

NICE FAMILY LOOKING FOR 3-ROOM APARTMENT

[gasps]

[puppies whining]

[mechanism whirring]

Thanks, Papa.

-Mmm… -[Toni chuckles]

-Sure. -Hello? I can't breathe, guys. Really.

[Toni] Okay, get in the truck.

Hold on tight, Köbi.

[dog barks and snarls]

[barking]

Charly…

Close the door nice and slow.

[distorted barking]

We won't hurt you, little friend.

[dog snarling]

[barking]

[narrator] Guess who had to save the day yet again?

The narrator of this story.

The voice of truth.

The one and only,

the untouchable…

[distorted] Stay back!

…the great…

Tupac Fleischer.

[whines]

-[chirping] -[hip-hop music playing]

[Tupac] Yep. I'm the one telling this story.

And I'm a duck, so quack-quack, bitches.

Huh?

[Tupac] Looks like I still got the mojo.

[Tupac tweets and chitters]

Yo, I'm sorry I doubted your gangsta-ness, little guy. totally my bad.

[quacks]

[Tupac] Now let's get that boy home.

[Charly] Hey, Papa. Do you have a favorite movie?

-[Toni] Armageddon. -[Charly] Uh, Arma what?

[Toni] Armageddon, the best movie of all time.

-Don't tell me you don't know Armageddon. -Can we watch it?

[Toni] Sure. I could watch that movie every day.

Maybe even twice a day.

Well, that was fun. And now Armageddon?

Yeah!

[Charly] Best day ever!

[Toni] Best day ever.

Hm. Best Dad ever.

Ahh!

Miss Müller-Müller?

Nuh-uh. It's a pop-up version of her.

You know she's called Müller-Müller

'cause her mother wanted to keep her surname, right?

Johnny, why do you have a big cardboard cutout of Müller-Müller?

Oh, uh, she was here.

She came in a chopper. Ooh! [laughs]

She wanted to check on your progress,

so I told her, "Toni isn't here right now, Miss Müller-Müller."

"He's busy with some father-son stuff."

"Father-son stuff here, father-son stuff there,

father-son stuff everywhere, that's all Toni's been doing."

And then she got really angry and said,

"What the fuck's wrong with him? He has shit for brains, doesn't he?"

"He should be working, why the hell isn't he?"

-Why didn't you just use your phone? -I did, but you-you had no reception.

Shit!

Buddy, don't get upset.

It's fine, Daddy took care of it for you.

I came up to her and said, "Miss Müller-Müller."

"What?!" "Oh, please calm down."

[growls] "Suggestion, what if Toni…"

"Yeah?!" "…comes by your office first thing in the morning

and sings all his nice little songs for you personally?"

And then she left this here to put a little pressure on you, and said,

"Tomorrow morning, 8:00, my office! And the songs better be really good!"

J-Johnny, which songs?

Well, the ones you're always playing around with, right?

None of them are done yet, they're all just… junk.

Oh.

Uh, well, then that was really dumb of me.

Shit!

Okay, I'm ready for movie night.

Goddammit, an entire day gone straight to the garbage.

Thanks a lot, you two.

I have to write!

[door slams]

[Toni] Ahh!

[moody music playing]

[hip-hop song playing]

♪ Okay ♪

[rapping in German]

[upbeat song playing]

[electric organ music playing]

[music ends]