Original subtitles

I am Merlin, and I am back,

awakened from my eternal slumber to reach out across time

for a brave warrior who can take up the sword, Excalibur,

and save Camelot.

O, great spirit of light,

bring me that knight!

(crashing sound)

(man) Out!

You're up, Fuller.

Ventilate 'em, Calvin.

Try swinging this time, Fuller.

(clapping)

OK...

(crowd chattering)

- Come on, Cal! - (cheering)

It's only a game, son. Just give it your best shot.

Good luck. We're rootin' for ya.

- I get your room if you get killed. - If I die, you take out the trash.

Mmm.

Fuller! Now look, just remember what I told you.

Three things: you lean in,

you cover the plate, you pick a point in the outfield,

and you let 'er rip.

Actually, that's four things.

Just try and hit the ball, will you, Fuller?

- Come on, Cal! - (all cheering)

Three things:

Lean in, cover the plate,

pick a point in the outfield, let 'er rip.

You're dead meat, Fuller.

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God!

Strike one!

(grunts)

Ohh!

Strike two!

Keep your eye on the ball, Cal!

Hasta la vista, Fuller.

Cal, swing!

- Strike three, you're out! - (all groaning)

It's all right, son.

(clapping)

You gotta be doin' something...

Mom, he didn't even try!

Fuller, get me my bat.

As you wish, Your Highness.

(rumbling)

Earthquake! Everybody, out of the dugout! Come on!

(rumbling, crashing)

(wind howling)

The Black Knight has stolen the royal money box! Stop him!

Hurry!

(whinnying)

(wind howling)

(screaming)

(shrieks)

(distant shouting)

- (man) Get him! - Here!

Hold, boy!

Hold up!

- Hold up! - Sire.

Find the brave man who foiled the Black Knight. I want to thank him personally.

Please.

Thank thee, Lord Belasco.

My pleasure, Your Highness.

Spread out! Find the boy!

(panting)

(Calvin) Where am I?

Ride on!

(chattering)

- Excuse me. - (bell ringing)

Thank you!

- (grunts) - Sorry.

Clumsy mutt!

(man) Get out of my way!

- Where is he? - Out of the way!

- Where did he go? - That way, sire, he went that way!

Ahh!

(panting) Whoa!

- Ah! - (chicken clucking)

- (dog barking) - (donkey braying)

There's nothing left to steal in all of Camelot.

The king does not steal.

He merely takes his fair share.

In other words, everything. Ahh!

I have no time for this.

I am looking for a boy.

Do not fight him. The king is no longer a man of the people.

You speak treason. Ugh!

- Uhh! - Ahh. A little mouse.

Ahh!

- (man) Get him! - Oh, boy.

Ah! Don't kill me. I didn't mean to do it.

I don't even know what I'm doing here.

- Take him to Camelot. - (Calvin) Let me go!

The king awaits his presence.

King?

(chattering)

Where's the boys' room? I've been holding it since the third inning.

Where are we going? Don't I get a phone call or something?

(medieval music)

- Oh! Whoa! - (clapping)

(chattering)

Ah! 'Tis the brave man who frightened off the Black Knight. (chuckles)

- Bring him close. - Not a man, Father, just a boy.

He has a very pleasant face.

Don't be ridiculous, sister. He dresses like a fool.

(all laughing)

- Did you find the boy? - Of course.

Then bring him to me.

He was taken to the great hall, my lord.

The king...

You take your orders from me, not that stupid old fool.

Look, I have Arthur exactly where I want him.

The Black Knight's working his magic wonderfully.

I do not need interlopers like this little boy spoiling it!

Now you are my high chamberlain. Deal with it!

Dost thou know who I am, then?

Um... the king?

That's right, lad.

I am King Arthur.

Cool.

Cool? Huh?

(all laughing)

- Your Highness! - Oh! Uh.

It's obvious this boy is in league with the Black Knight.

(Calvin) Who, me? No, no, I'm not.

He's nothing but a common spy and a little thief!

I don't know how I got here, Your Honour. But I'm not a spy! Or a thief!

Thou hast been challenged, lad.

Step up and prove thyself worthy.

Of course the boy may be allowed to choose the mode of combat, hm?

Combat?! Can we talk about this for a minute?

Wake up.

- This isn't a dream. - Quite right.

It's your worst nightmare come true.

Choose.

Mode of combat.

I gotta choose a weapon.

My God. I gotta choose, I gotta choose.

All right.

(man) What does he choose?

I choose... combat rock.

(man) Huh?

Here goes.

(rock music blares)

(man) Some powerful magic!

'Tis a miracle.

In full-blown digital stereo.

I never heard such a clamour in all my days.

That was no clamour. That was rock'n'roll.

Come. Sit here, lad.

Now, tell me, what do they call thee, boy?

And from whence doth thou hail?

Calvin Fuller, sir. From Reseda.

Oh! Knights and ladies,

I give thee Calvin Fuller of Reseda.

(all) Calvin Fuller of Reseda!

And now, let us eat.

Uh... looks real good. What is it?

Braised boar snout with haggis. Come on, eat up, boy.

I heard what transpired between thee and the Black Knight.

Who is this Black Knight guy, anyway?

A scoundrel.

His mission is to bring down my father's kingdom.

Eat. It loses its bouquet when it's taken cold.

(dog panting)

(dog growls)

(man) He's got a good cut.

Say, where's Merlin? When does he show up?

Sadly, Merlin passed away many years ago.

- (Calvin) Your Highness? - Yeah.

I don't mean to butt in here, but where's the Round Table?

Round Table?

Where you and your knights have meetings.

It's round so you look everybody in the eye. No favourites. Everybody's equal.

Everybody's equal? (laughs)

- Fascinating idea. - Where did you say you were from?

- Reseda. - Reseda?

What an odd name.

Hey, it's the bowling capital of the world.

May I suggest for our honoured visitor from Reseda

a fortnight of training with Master Kane.

(Arthur) A splendid idea.

My master at arms shall instruct thee in the ways

of the knights of Camelot. Prepare his quarters, come on! (laughs)

(belches)

Welcome to Camelot, sir.

Thanks... I think.

OK, where's the bathroom?

(gasps) Lord Elastic!

- Belasco. - Right.

Shh.

Listen.

What? I don't hear anything.

Exactly.

I could choke the life right out of you, right now,

and no one would hear you scream.

Hold that thought.

(crickets chirping)

Yah! Uh! Uh! Hiyah! Yah!

(continues grunting)

Ahh!

Oh. Excuse me, good sir. Pardon my intrusion.

My father asked that I make sure thou art comfortable in thy new quarters.

Want me comfortable, how about getting me a road map out of the Middle Ages.

If I don't get home, I'm grounded.

You Resedians wear very strange garments.

Oh! Excuse me.

OK.

Wait. Your father sent you here?

I, um... cannot lie to thee, sir.

My father knows nothing of my nocturnal transgressions.

Do me a favour, call me Calvin.

Calvin.

That dance... what was it?

- Dance? - You know...

- (grunts) - Oh.

That's not a dance. That's karate.

There was this big kid who was beating me up and stealing my lunch money.

So my dad signed me up for karate school.

I really miss them.

My sister too.

You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?

I fear I know nothing of karate or lunch money.

But I do know what it is like to miss one's parents.

My father has never been the same since Mother died.

I miss my mother deeply.

I miss my father even more.

I really need to get home, Katey.

- Can you help me? - I truly cannot.

But perhaps there is somebody who can.

- Who? - Merlin!

But you said he was dead.

Not quite.

- (Calvin) Cool, a secret door. - Come!

(rumbling)

This way.

(wind howls)

We've lost the light!

No problem.

It's incredible!

Just like the Temple of Doom.

This is it.

(rumbling)

These were once Merlin's quarters.

It is now my father's private sanctuary.

(Calvin) Is that...? Oh, it can't be.

Oh, that. That's just Father's old sword.

Old sword?

That's Excalibur.

My, thou dost know a lot.

I watch a lot of CNN.

No one's touched it in years.

'Tis true.

Wow, you even have a hot tub.

'Tis the Well of Destiny.

That is all that remains of Merlin.

If there is a way home, it will be in there.

Sweet.

(noise echoing)

Quick. Someone comes!

Hurry!

Here is where we must part.

There's something very special about you, Calvin of Reseda.

Perhaps your arrival here is no accident.

(rumbling)

Hey, how do I get back?

Follow the wall. It stops at your quarters.

Good night, sir.

(rumbling, closing)

(man) Hahh, the knight I sent for.

Come to the well so that I may gaze upon the face of greatness.

- Who said that? - Come. Come.

- We haven't much time. - Is someone down there?

(bubbling)

What are you doing here, boy?

Stand aside, so I may see my great warrior.

Where is he? Come, come. Step forward.

Um, I hate to tell you this, but I'm the only one here.

- You must be joking. - No.

You're Merlin, right?

Something has gone horribly wrong.

What was that wretched spell I cast?

Half a quart of pig vomit and the two monkey bladders...

Pig vomit?

Or was it the other way around?

- Good Lord! - Oh, I get it.

This is all a big mistake. That's OK. Everybody picks me last.

I couldn't have got it wrong.

But look at you! What manner of armour is that?

And that animal sleeping on your head.

Animal? It's my hair!

Look, Your Wetness, I don't understand any of this. And what am I doing here?

I brought you here... to save Camelot.

- Me? - Arthur is in trouble.

His kingdom has been shattered by the iron fist of Lord Belasco.

Oh, the dork in the purple dress. We've met.

And you haven't seen the last of him. He is a dangerous man.

He means to steal Camelot from Arthur. And you...

...are going to stop him.

Look, you definitely have the wrong guy.

Why don't you send me home? I mean, my family really needs me.

Camelot needs you!

Help Arthur find his way back...

...and I will help you find yours.

Ohh...

- (yelling) - (clanging)

Ah! Uh!

(all yelling, grunting)

(man laughing)

- Nicely done. - Thank you.

Oh, would you care to show us how it is done in Reseda?

Actually, I was hoping for a desk job.

As from today, you're a knight in training.

Thanks, but I won't be here that long.

Don't tell me a brave lad like you,

who's faced the full fury of the Black Knight,

is afraid of a dummy.

No way, I was just testing you.

(laughs)

- (clangs) - Uh. Ah...

God, these things are heavier than they look on TV.

TV? One of your knights of Reseda, no doubt?

Something like that.

Good fit.

- Can you see? - (echoing) Perfectly.

It smells like something died in here.

Oh! Excuse me.

- This way. - (Calvin) Yeah, I knew that.

Uhh. There.

Whoa! Ahh!

- Calvin? - Yeah?

(laughing)

Remember three things:

Lean in, protect your steed,

fix a point on your opponent's person and have at him!

- That's four things. - What?

Never mind.

Hit it.

(both laughing)

Well, I'd like to see you try that.

(chattering)

I thought all knights spent their time rescuing damsels and fighting dragons.

What are they all doing here?

They're all training hard for the big tournament.

You see, the prize is quite appealing to all men of royal blood.

Really? What's the prize?

My sister.

And Camelot.

What about her? Doesn't she have a choice?

She has refused all suitors.

Therefore, on her 21st birthday, the tournament must decide for her.

- Bummer. - I think I agree.

Come. You try.

- (crashing) - (cat screeching)

(birds chirping)

You are the most exquisite flower in this garden.

There is one major difference between the garden flowers and myself:

A rose will prick you,

but I will do far worse.

You cut me to the quick.

All I want is what is best for my king and his kingdom.

Camelot could be great.

- We could make it great again. - We?

Yes, of course. The two of us together,

in wedded bliss.

I will marry the man who wins the tournament.

Enter it...

...if you have the nerve.

Good day, sir.

(Calvin) So, Master Kane, where's your castle?

Oh, I have no land of my own.

Does that mean you can't enter the tournament?

Alas, the tournament is reserved for far better men than I.

No way, you're the best.

If thou art trying to get on my good side,

thou hast succeeded with royal colours.

Ahh, here is thy opponent.

Wait, I can't fight the princess.

You are right about that, sir.

Come.

I wonder, do the knights of Reseda swim?

Thou hast much to learn before supper.

I hear the kitchen is serving poached goat's head in grub sauce.

- (groans) - Or perhaps you could catch yon goose.

- Mm! - Oh! Whoa!

- (Katey laughing) - Oh, jeez.

I cannot believe I fell for the oldest trick in the book.

Then again, since I'm here,

maybe it's the... newest trick in the book.

(chattering)

Hey, how's it going?

Ah, good sir.

My shop is at your service.

Really? Well, thanks.

I hear you can make anything.

Indeed, I have that reputation.

What about this?

By the circle builders themselves.

Well, I need another pair, like, yesterday.

Huh, um...

(rooster crows)

- Who's there? - I trust you slept well.

Yeah, we all did,

me and the forest of crawling things living in my bed.

All right.

Come. Breakfast is served in the great hall. We must hurry, or we'll be late.

Just a minute. I have something to show you.

What is it for?

Come on, this way.

- Careful. - Come on.

- So if it's bad, it's good. - Right.

And if it's cool, it's hot.

I fear I will never understand your Valley-speak.

Lord Belasco. (chuckles)

What dost thou wish to speak about?

Decisions, Your Highness.

- It's time you made one. - What didst thou have in mind?

I've been loyal to you for years, and all I ask for in return

is Sarah's hand in marriage.

Thou knowest the laws of Camelot.

The tournament shall decide for her.

The fate of Camelot cannot rest upon the folly of a tournament.

Can it, Your Highness?

I...

I shall speak to my daughter on thy behalf.

- I thank thee, Your Highness. - Watch out!

Ooh! Ahh!

Hey, the Round Table. History books are gonna love ya.

Not staying for breakfast, Lord Belasco?

I do not eat with children!

Sit, sit, before it gets cold.

So, what's for breakfast?

Leftovers.

Mmm.

Guard it with your life.

Go for it.

For what do we owe this unexpected pleasure, Lord Belasco?

Get out of my way, teacher.

Well, if you've had enough of fighting wooden men,

how do you fancy taking on a real man for a change?

- Sir... - This has nothing to do with you.

You guys are hung up on this dominant male monkey thing.

I take it your answer's no.

Calvin.

- (grunts) - Uhh...

(grunts, groaning)

I could be wrong, but I think I just qualified for a black belt.

You'd better use it to hang yourself with

because, when I come for you,

it'll be worse.

Far, far worse.

(groaning)

As a reward, thou hast earned... a grand supper.

- On one condition. - What is that?

I do the cooking.

- Mmm, smells divine. What is it? - (Calvin) It's a surprise, princess.

- No, those are poisonous love apples. - Trust me. And no peeking.

(sizzling)

Smells so wonderful, I can hardly wait.

Patience.

OK. You can look now.

It is...

...beautiful. But what is it?

It's a meal fit for the Round Table:

Double cheeseburger, lettuce, tomato on a whole-wheat bun.

- What? - Big Mac.

Mmm.

It's good.

I mean, bad.

Thou called for me, Father?

I did? Oh, yes, yes, yes, of course I did.

Oh, my dear daughter,

I believe I know what is best for my kingdom.

I mean, a game to settle the fate of Camelot...

I fear the tournament is an outdated notion.

Thou art dancing, Father. Get to the point.

I have decided that thou shalt marry Lord Belasco.

If I cannot marry for love,

then the law of the land will prevail.

I shall let the tournament decide.

Thou art as stubborn as thy mother.

Riding isn't as hard as I thought.

Avert thy eyes.

(clicking)

Thou was not to see that.

Swear your silence to me now or risk my wrath.

- It's none of my business... - Swear it!

OK, OK, I swear it.

Can we put this off till next Tuesday?

It is time to put a real lance in your hand.

Look, this is too soon. I still get carsick on merry-go-rounds.

Lean into the charge, and the lance will do the work for you.

- Why don't you do the work for me? - Hast thou no confidence in thyself?

Look, there's a two-headed dragon.

I see only trees.

Yeah.

Maybe I need to get my eyes checked.

Perhaps you're not quite ready.

Of course I am.

Let 'er rip, professor.

- Yah! - Whoa!

Whoa. Ahh.

No. No, no, go left, go left!

Oh...

(whinnying)

Oh... Ahh!

- Calvin? - (groaning)

- Look what you've done. How could you? - But, princess, you asked...

How dare you contradict me. This is your fault.

I'm so sorry.

Please speak to me.

- You deceived me. That's impertinent. - Oww!

- Ouch! Princess, wait. - You are a clever lad.

I think she likes me.

I did not expect to see you again so soon, sir.

The blade rollers did not meet with satisfaction?

No, no, they were killer.

- This time I need something bigger. - Bigger?

It's gotta be light as a feather, but hard Belasco's head.

- I know no such metal. - You will.

Melt this and that together...

...stir and then stand back.

How does a boy know so much?

Metal shop. Eighth grade.

See, you start with the frame...

(Sarah) What is it, sister?

Distress.

Burning of the heart.

No, 'tis not heartburn.

'Tis heartache.

- You are in love, little one. - Don't be silly.

(laughs)

I can't hide anything from you, can I?

I know it all too well, myself.

Does it always hurt this much?

Sometimes, it hurts much worse.

Poor Father.

Every day he drifts further away from us.

What is to become of our family, Sarah?

I know not.

But I will always look after thee.

Farewell, my beauties. Ha!

What are you now eating, lad?

- Oh, Mad Dog bubblegum. - Huh?

Here.

(gulps)

No, you're not supposed to swallow.

- You're not? - (sighs)

Look, here.

- Just put it in your mouth and chew. - Chew.

- Never swallow. - Never swallow.

What is its purpose?

- There is no purpose. - No purpose?

Strange.

(mumbles) Why is it called Mad Dog bubblegum?

- I have no idea, Your Highness. - Hmm.

- (footsteps approaching) - Oh!

Lord Belasco...

Take a seat.

Get out.

Affairs of the court, lad. You understand.

It's OK. I have a date.

Date?

I'll explain later.

Have you spoken to your daughter?

Yes, of course, of course.

And?

I cannot force her to marry thee.

But if she means that much to you...

...there's always the tournament.

She'll be mine. No one will have her.

So you are planning to enter the tournament.

Are you a complete idiot?

Do you think I wanna die?

There's another way.

(birds chirping)

I came only because my music lessons were cancelled.

- You are still impertinent. - I'll take that as a compliment.

State your business, and I shall be on my way.

I have a surprise for you.

- What is it? - It's a mountain bike.

What is it for?

In Reseda, we have a custom.

It's called a picnic.

Hop on.

Watch your step.

Here we go.

Look at that.

(laughs)

Ohh!

It's not so bad, is it?

Don't go so fast.

You know the night you took me to see Merlin's book of spells?

Mm-hm.

Well, I went back.

And I don't know if I'm going crazy or what,

but I saw Merlin in the well.

He came to you?

Yeah. He said that he brought me here to save Camelot.

Well, actually, he didn't bring me here.

- He meant to bring someone else. - He chose well.

What are the girls like in Reseda?

I don't know.

'Course you do.

Well, they're nothing like you.

(horse snorting)

(chattering)

(bell ringing)

(man 1) What do you make of that?

(man 2) Hurry! Before Belasco's men come.

Boy, they sure are hungry.

(woman 1) I'll take the rest.

(woman 2) Lord Belasco, I fear.

Where did it all come from?

(man 3) Long live the Black Knight.

(girl) God bless the Black Knight!

The Black Knight is one of the good guys?

It cannot be true.

Are you OK?

Confused.

About the Black Knight?

And other things.

I shall never forget this moment.

Hey, where you going?

(sighs)

I'll walk you to your room.

Old Reseda custom.

The more I hear of Reseda, the more I want to see it.

I wish I could take you there.

Good night.

Princess...

I haven't had this much fun in my whole life.

I know you're worried about your father.

- Me too. - (Katey whimpers)

I promise I'll do everything I can to keep Belasco from screwing things up.

I guess that's all.

Oh, yeah.

You're a great kisser.

Wise girl. Come on!

One sound, but it would have been your last.

Get in!

Out of the way.

(screams)

(screams)

- Hah! - (whip cracks)

What sorcery is this, Merlin,

that I'm no longer able to brandish the sword, Excalibur?

I thought with thee I would reign forever.

I was wrong.

Camelot rots.

And I play at being king.

I want her great again.

But I fear I'm too weak to bring her back.

Oh, Guinevere.

My Guinevere.

I'm too old.

Too tired.

(Merlin) Go ahead. Take it.

I want you to have it.

- We need to talk. - Oh.

You're not trying to dodge your way out of our deal, are you?

- Oh, no, no, nothing like that. - Hm?

I'm not so sure I wanna go home yet.

Oh. Of course. The princess, Katherine.

Yeah. She's incredible.

True. But you won't have much of a honeymoon in Belasco's dungeon.

Good point.

I suggest you take Excalibur.

What about Arthur?

You must lead the way!

- Now. - (bubbling)

Wait!

Was there something else?

Aren't you gonna wish me luck?

Very well. Good luck.

Are you going to need it.

Ah! Princess. So good of you to come at such short notice.

Your servant said I would be supremely interested in what you had to say.

- And he did not exaggerate. - Then say it,

and I shall be on my way.

How dare you! When my father hears how you are treating me...

I didn't bring you here to listen to your incessant royal prattle!

Now shut your mouth, and your sister will remain unharmed.

- What have you done with my sister? - She's safe...

...for now.

But I'm getting tired of waiting for you to accept my offer.

You are mad.

You cannot force me to marry you.

Well, if you do not consent,

then Princess Katherine will die.

And this pact is between you and me. You utter one word of this to anyone,

and you will never see your sister again.

I await your answer.

You have until the tournament.

Sweet dreams.

Night-night!

Huh?

What do you want?

You're under arrest.

For the murder of Princess Katherine.

Seize him.

- Ahh! - (grunts)

Find him.

And then... kill him.

Mmph!

Calvin, I must speak to you of Katey.

I didn't do it. All we did was go on a picnic, I swear.

- I... I didn't kill her. - She's been kidnapped.

- I need your help. - My help?

You must bring her back.

All right, this way.

They're looking for me. Belasco tried to arrest me.

Then you only have one chance.

- Just one, huh? - My father.

Give him this, he will know you speak the truth.

Guards! He went this way.

Come with me.

(whispering) Calvin.

Calvin, come.

(panting)

(snoring)

- (door crashes open) - (gasps)

By Merlin's prophecies, dost thou come at me in my sleep?

Well, thou shalt not take me that easily.

Come into the light, you cowards!

Calvin, which way did they flee? How many were there?

Five? Ten? The royal blood is pumping now.

- Leave us ride after the interlopers. - Sire, stop. There are no interlopers

- or outer-lopers. - Don't be ridiculous, boy.

Get me my royal wardrobe. The hunt is on.

- Katey has been kidnapped. - Kidnapped?

My baby is sleeping with the goats.

- She's been taken prisoner. - That's impossible.

Belasco's orders.

But I would trust Belasco with my life.

Bad idea, sire.

You been faked out, played for a sucker. Your chain has been royally pulled.

All right, I get the point.

Belasco plans on stealing Camelot, just like he stole Katey.

I cannot believe it.

So it is all true.

(knocking)

- Yes? Who is it? - Lord Belasco, Your Highness.

Lord Belasco.

Why art thou disturbing my sleep?

Sorry, Your Highness.

I have some terrible news.

Princess Katherine is dead.

Dead?

Dead? Katey?

My poor, poor Katey, dead. (crying)

Who's done this?

Calvin of Reseda, Your Highness.

Calvin of Reseda!

After I fed him and clothed him, this is the thanks I get.

Why art thou wasting my time? Find the boy.

Bring me his head on a pike.

Your wish is my command, sire.

He'll be dead by daybreak, Your Highness.

Calvin?

Calvin? Ah!

My artifice was well nigh rewarded, lad.

- He bought it? - He bought it.

You know where they might have taken her?

I do indeed, lad.

(horses galloping)

- (man) Ha! - (whip cracks)

- What are you going to do with me? - Nothing,

if your sister gives herself to Lord Belasco in betrothal.

And if she doesn't?

- (stomps) - (grunts)

(Calvin) We're gonna have to go in disguise.

- Disguise? - I figure if we look

like miserable, starving peasants, no one will notice.

Peasants! Don't be ridiculous, boy.

The royal pendragon strikes fear into the hearts of my enemies.

Not anymore, it doesn't.

What do you know, boy?

They hate you.

Hate me?

Belasco's been stealing from your people for years.

There's nothing but sickness and starvation in Camelot and...

...they think you don't care about them.

They hate me.

You do care, don't you?

'Course I do, lad.

Come, I know a way out.

Ahh!

Whoa! Oh!

(pigs snorting, squealing)

(spitting)

Yuck! More boar snouts?

(Calvin) Come on! This is where we get off. Jump!

Oh! (laughs)

I rather like this. Out among my own people.

Watch whom you bathe, washer woman.

Washer woman, eh? And who do you think you are?

The bloody King of England?

As a matter of fact,

- I am your king. - And I'm Cleo-bleedin'-patra.

If thou was a man, I would call thee out!

If you were a man, I'd throw more than a bath.

- Let's go. - Stop!

Your Majesty, I don't wanna insult you,

but are you nuts? This isn't the castle where everyone kisses your butt.

This is the real, carjacking, drive-by shooting,

kill-you-for-your-Reeboks street life.

- What language art thou speaking? - Let me give it to you straight.

They find out you're king, you're dead meat.

The murderer!

Come on, men!

(yelling)

- Ohh! - Ahh!

Merlin! Where art thou now?

Sire!

Sire, run!

We are lost.

The royal stables is under heavy guard.

We shall never reach the princess in time.

Yeah, we will.

This is sorcery!

We are going to die!

(both yelling, grunting)

Your Highness, are you OK?

If OK means a sore bum, then yes.

- Great. - The Black Knight!

After him!

Chill out! He's on our side.

On our side?

- I don't understand. - Let's boogie.

Boogie?

Boogie?

I'm so sorry about the Princess Katey.

- I missed you desperately. - I came not for comfort.

- I came to say goodbye. - Goodbye?

Oh, dear, sweet Kane.

I have lost everyone I have ever loved.

- And now I have lost you. - No!

You have not lost me.

No matter what we think, no matter how we feel,

- our lives are not our own. - Then we'll make them our own.

It is too late. I must marry Lord Belasco.

(men yelling)

Go on.

Right.

- (clicking) - (horse snorting)

You know, when I was a boy,

much the same as you, I could not face the things I feared.

It was by sheer accident I pulled the sword Excalibur from the stone.

Oh, it's true, over the years, I grew into a strong king,

but now, alas, I fear I've become that cowering boy again.

I've lost all faith in myself.

And if I cannot believe in myself, who will?

You know, sire,

where I come from, there are no swords and stones

that turn dweebs like me into heroes.

I used to think I needed one.

But you know what?

I don't.

You're a good man, Calvin Fuller.

(howling)

(horse snorts)

This is impossible. There's no way into this place.

How did you say it? Chill out.

(water splashes)

(gasps, pants)

Cool. A secret passage.

Ahh. Merlin showed it to me long ago

when I played here as a boy.

(squealing)

Uhh!

(continues squealing)

(screams)

Shh.

(Katey) Help!

He's got her in the dungeon.

(Katey screams)

Hey, you. Where you think you're going?

Bow to the king, you dog.

- Ah! - (grunts)

- Father! - Katey!

- Oh, I knew you'd come. - Hi.

- You wouldn't happen to have a key. - I have something better, lad.

A father's love for a daughter.

And a king's shoulder.

Oohh!

I'm sorry, lad. I'm no match for Merlin's door.

Maybe not.

But this is.

- What sorcery is this? - Swiss Army Knife.

Swiss Army Knife.

The very name conjures up greatness.

It's right up there with Harley-Davidson.

- (lock clangs open) - Cool.

Come, daughter. Come! Quick! Come!

Guards!

(groans)

Nice one.

Shh.

Your Majesty.

Welcome.

We're in big trouble.

- What wouldn't I give for Excalibur? - You've got it.

(ringing)

Ahh!

(grunting)

Behind you, Katey!

Gee, this always works in the movies.

(Katey screams)

- Katey! - Put me down!

Katey! After him, boy.

Let me go!

Ratan! Stay where you are.

- Let my daughter go. - Stop there,

or she flies like a bird.

- No, take me. - Stay put,

or her blood will be on your hands, boy.

- Come, we'll charge together. - I have a better idea.

I'm afraid rock'n'roll will not work this time.

(Calvin) You're wrong.

It is the great equalizer.

(shrill ringing)

(screaming)

(splashing)

Oh, Calvin.

So, what about me?

- Father. - (laughs)

- Why are we stopping here? - Come.

This is as fine a place as any.

For what, sire?

Kneel, lad.

- Kneel? - Just do it.

Calvin Fuller of Reseda,

dost thou swear allegiance to thy king and thy kingdom?

Dost thou swear to uphold the laws of Camelot,

and to always follow the paths of righteousness and goodness?

I'll try, Your Highness.

I will.

Then let all who witness this know

it does not take a sword in stone to make a hero.

By the sword Excalibur,

I dub thee...

...knight of the Round Table.

Arise,

Sir Calvin of Reseda.

We have some unfinished business.

(laughs)

- Thank you for coming. - Your wish is my command, princess.

- Made your decision yet? - Yes.

- And? - I will consent to marry you.

I always knew you were the smart one in the family.

(gasps)

(sobbing) Oh, thank God.

Oh, Father! I see you have your old friend with you.

I do indeed, dear daughter.

I, too, am delivered.

You're looking extremely well, Your Highness.

Excuse me, I'll go get ready for the tournament.

Welcome back.

You're gonna let him walk after all he's done?

- Well, I'm not. - Wait, lad!

Now, remember, the people believe me to be a coward.

And the guards are still loyal to Belasco.

Bide thy time, young knight.

When the hour is nigh,

we'll nail him.

Father.

(horns play)

My people!

My people!

You belong to the land.

And so do I.

I was but a stableboy when I pulled Excalibur from the stone

and you made me your king.

For years, together,

we made Camelot great.

And then I turned my back on you.

I betrayed your trust.

But, my people...

...I shall fail you no longer.

From this day henceforth,

the tournament shall be open to all free men!

- (crowd cheering) - (applause)

And let it be known,

the great sword Excalibur,

Camelot,

my daughter's hand,

all shall belong to my successor,

the last man unhorsed in honourable combat.

Let the tournament begin!

- (crowd cheers) - (horns play)

- That's your cue, professor. - I can't believe my ears.

Go, son. Prepare thyself.

Thou deserveth a place in my court.

Let's go, lover boy. Still gotta win this turkey.

(horse grunts)

(crowd cheers)

Here. I've been saving this for a special occasion.

It's called a candy bar.

Is it food?

Compared to what you're used to, it's gourmet dining.

You are truly a great knight.

(crowd clapping)

(crowd cheers)

(horse whinnying)

(crowd cheers)

(crowd cheers)

(crowd cheers)

You have defeated all opponents.

Only one of you will leave this field of honour,

and one day rule in my stead.

Kick his butt.

(horse grunts)

(whinnying)

(gasps)

(crowd) Ohh!

(sobbing)

I fear that Kane is defeated.

Hey, you know the rules. He's still on his horse.

He's right, Father. As long as he's on his steed, he's in the game.

Stall him. I'll be right back.

It is done! I claim my victory.

As you have not unhorsed Master Kane, he is not yet defeated.

- But sire... - Rules are rules.

Very well, then.

I shall await the allotted time, then you can proclaim my legacy.

Ah, I can hardly wait.

Hurry.

Sir Kane, how many fingers am I holding up?

Just a little off the top. Keep the sideburns.

He speaks in tongues.

- Hey! Where are you going? - To announce Sir Kane's defeat.

He's not defeated. He's...

He's meditating.

- Hurry, Calvin. - (hoofbeats approaching)

Time is passed, Your Highness. Please, declare my victory.

- Wrong again. Dweeb. - (crowd cheers)

(crowd gasping)

'Tis black magic.

(crowd cheers)

You're history, Belasco.

- Your blood is mine! - Hey, chill out, dude!

Prepare to meet thy ancestors.

Come back here!

(grunting)

- (screams) - (crowd cheers)

(all laughing)

Thou hast won the tournament, Sir Knight.

Sarah's hand is thine.

Sarah? But I hardly know her.

It is not a question of familiarity. It is a question of victory.

- Isn't it? - No, Father, it is not.

Listen, I'm not your knight in shining armour.

He is.

It seems I owe thee more than one debt of gratitude, Sir Knight.

Reveal thyself, so that we may all know thee.

(man) Who is it?

(crowd gasps)

Hello, Father.

(woman) The princess!

- (crowd cheers) - (applause)

Daughter.

Daughter, thou hast won the right to choose.

(woman) Princess Sarah and Master Kane!

(crowd cheers)

(grunting)

As for thee, Lord Belasco,

thou art banished from my kingdom forever.

If I were thee, I would not stop until thou reachest...

- Cucamonga. - Cucamonga.

Cucamonga?

You are a great knight.

I had a great teacher.

(Arthur) Sir Calvin,

my kingdom is thine.

What does thou want? A castle? A dukedom?

I just wanna go home.

Godspeed, Sir Calvin.

You've given me so much.

- Is there anything I can give you? - No.

I wouldn't mind that Swiss Army Knife.

Is there nothing I can say or do to make you stay?

I have to go back.

You won't forget me?

How could I?

I'm ready, Merlin.

(bubbling)

You have done well, brave knight.

Thank you,

Sir Calvin.

And now it's time for me to keep my end of the bargain.

Behold.

Your way home.

Are you sure about this?

(Merlin) Trust me.

(crashing sound)

I'm back.

There wasn't any earthquake.

You're up, Fuller.

Ventilate 'em, Calvin.

He brought me back before I struck out.

Try swinging this time, Fuller.

Thanks, Howell. Love your tan.

(crowd cheers)

Come on! Whoo!

It's only a game, son. Just give it your best shot.

(woman) Good luck. We're all rootin' for ya.

I get your room if you get killed.

- You got it. - Yes! Yes!

- (man) Right out of the park. - Remember what I told you.

Three things, right, coach?

- Go for it, kid. - (crowd cheers)

Come on!

(crowd chattering)

(Arthur) Calvin.

Remember,

it does not take a sword in a stone to make a hero.

You're dead meat, Fuller.

Not this time, Baker.

(crowd cheers)

(screams) Run!

Nice going, Fuller.

Katey?

(laughs)

(boy) I knew you could do it.

Taught the kid everything he knows.