Original subtitles

Thank you.

I know she could have seen me by now.

A lady is fucking right.

That one, two razor blades in her ass and her booty.

Girl, is that you?

I want to show you something, honey.

Do you like that?

Hard to be blind as ladies a freak.

I'll be damned.

I don't know.

Bill,

is that you?

Oh, honey. Why don't you come over here?

Oh, Bill.

Who the fuck is Bill?

Hi, honey.

Mm -hmm.

Do you like it?

Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.

Oh, that feels nice.

Oh, why don't you give me a nice car park?

Did you have a nice day at work today, honey?

Mm -hmm, mm -hmm.

Sometimes I worry about you.

It's tough being the wife of a cop.

It feels bigger than usual, but I feel great.

You've been taking your vitamins, Bill?

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm.

Do you like me to lick your balls?

Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.

Ew.

Oh, God. Let's get him some bread.

Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.

Oh, God.

Ew.

Ew, this hard thing.

Oh.

Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.

Mmm. Mmm.

Yeah. Do you like that?

I like pink things.

How about the other one?

Yeah.

Thank you for

watching.

It's so nice and hot.

I'm so hot and warm.

Good night.

Do you like it up there?

I

feel

nice tight balls.

Oh, I like a hard cock in my ass.

Oh, your dick is so nice.

Oh, I like it in my ass so much.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, baby, I want you to take it out of my asshole.

Put it in my mouth.

Oh, yeah.

How'd you know I was blind?

You mean you're not blind?

That's nice.

Well, honey, that's the most hair you've cut since we bought this gold mine.

Honey, you can't sweep up what ain't there.

Well, if there ain't hair everywhere.

I know I should have gotten that waiter's job at the truck stop.

Lookie here, there's...

There's hair over there, and there's hair over there, and there's hair all

the goddamn place.

I just didn't want to listen to Mama.

First there was hair on my head, and now there's hair all over the goddamn

floor. I had to go and marry this ignorant fool.

Moved to L .A. to buy this hair shop.

I'll use the Hoover.

Where'd you hide the damn vacuum, Stella?

I could have been somebody.

I wouldn't hide in big zones.

Put a mirror down Adam for him. He always did like me.

Always tell me I smell like the interior of a new car.

I'll just, I'll just hoover it up. I'll just suck it all up. That's what I'll

do.

Hello, L .A. Chop Shop.

Well, hello, Colonel Calhoun. How the hell are you?

Oh, mighty fine, mighty fine.

You want to cancel your wife's appointment?

Well, now, Colonel Calhoun, you know I can easily slide her in for another

no problem.

Well, sir, you know, we're always busy, but we're never too busy for you, sir.

Colonel? Hello?

Colonel?

Hello?

Some hillbillies submit to morons.

I got to go and beat them silly.

You never talk to me anymore.

Got to do something about these people.

They're so far behind their times.

They're about to undermine the very fabric of our great city.

You only talk to my pussy.

Have to do something about them. If they're going to live in L .A., They

start thinking and acting like us.

Ever since you made me grow my hair's back.

There is money to be made.

There is cars to be driven.

There is bones to be picked.

But what the heck.

One last bone in and then off to the market with you.

We'll miss you.

Sorry, but I need the money to pay for my car insurance.

You know what it costs these days.

Here, talk to this.

Ah!

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh,

yes. Oh,

yeah.

Oh, I feel so good.

Oh, yes. Oh,

yeah. Oh,

yes. Oh, your tongue feels so good.

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

I love it. Oh, yeah.

Oh, sticks.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

shit.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, shit.

Oh,

why don't you turn that dildo out, Colonel?

Oh, it feels so good.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, fuck me with your finger.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

yeah.

Scoot!

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh,

yeah. Oh,

yeah.

Oh, yeah.

I love you.

Oh, come on.

If you love me, you'll swallow it.

Sir, if you bother to update your services, you could rake in a lot of

I wonder what he meant by updating my services.

Honey, maybe I ought to get you the facts. Hell no.

It'll be a cold day in L .A. before I allow units to have sex in my shop.

Who the hell could that be?

How the hell are you? How you doing there, Hargis? Good to see you.

Good to see you, buddy. How's it going?

Great.

Hey, who might this creature of lovely elegance and beauty be?

Why, count her, Jasper. That's my wife, Stella.

Your wife, Stella?

Well, I'm sorry, Stella. I didn't recognize you with your legs crossed

that.

So, well, what brings you around these parts here, Jasper?

Well, look here, Hargis. I decided I'd move out here to L .A. and make myself a

mess of money, just like everybody else who's normal in this here area. And then

I got to thinking, hell, it's about high time I come over here and see my

cousin, Hargis.

Well, well, it's good to see you, Jasper, but, uh, you know, business

too good lately.

Well, hell, now I can see that.

In fact, this place looks like somebody's idea of a bad joke.

Well, what the hell are you talking about, Jasper? It looks mighty fine to

Well, hell, in the first place, it looks more like a living room than it does

a barber shop.

And hell, in the second place, I got an idea. You might be just a little...

bit too honest for your own good, Harga.

Shit, I'm gonna set you up real good in the fur skinning business.

The what?

Fur skinning. There's a whole market out there that you ain't even tapped into

yet. And shit, this here place is perfect like for it.

Jasper Wool.

What are you raving on about, boy?

Well, look here, Harkins. I can see you're still in the dark.

I'm talking about poon plucking.

I'm talking about beaver cleaving.

I'm talking about bushwhacking.

What we do, we take out our used pussy, and then we just

skin it alive, you know, and then faster than you can shake the little...

Last drop off your end of your weenie while we stick it right back out there

the cunt market.

And that pussy is every bit as fresh as new.

Yeah, but they ain't new, Jasper. They just shaved.

Hargis, now you know that.

And I know that.

But to John Q. Public, a shaved pussy is every bit as fresh as your daddy's

pre -adolescent girlfriend.

Well, I ain't never heard of such a thing.

Well, shit, I'm going to tell you something right now.

It's so simple, it's just like what they do with them there cars.

First of all, they paint them and then they cap them and they sell them just

like they came off the assembly line.

And that's what we're going to do with them pussies.

And shit, you can get into it if you've a right of mind to.

Well, I don't know, Jasper. I mean, you sure it's legal and all that?

I don't know about you two, but something smells kind of fishy to me.

You know what? I'm going to give you a little demonstration of what I'm talking

about right now.

I brought my supplies with me.

We're going to shave her down right here and now.

We're going to shave her down right here? You got that right, Hargis.

Let's get to it.

Okay, now, Cousin Hargis.

So we can do it just like a regular beer, right? We put a little water on

Well, that's right. You've got to put some water on it to get it started here.

Nice, warm water like that there.

More. Good.

That's good.

Pop the top on this here. A little bit more water. A little bit more water.

Okay, ready? Now we're going to go put the shaving cream on here.

Yeah, that's just fine. I'm going to spread it all around. She likes the warm

water. She likes the warm water. All right, I can do it.

Get the jolly dog over there.

Now, see, we're going to spread this all around here, like this here, like that,

on either side, like that, and leave the opening in the middle there.

Do that last, see?

Okay. Do it just like that there.

Put the extra right there on the side, like that there. So you got extra, like

reserve. That's it.

That's it.

And then you grab yourself the razor and you get it good and wet to start with.

Go ahead and dunk it in there like that. Good and wet. That's it. Oh, shit, I'm

getting some on the carpet. Now, just be careful there, Harvest. Come on now.

You know better than that. Now, get your edge good and wet and start up here at

the top like this here.

See? And you just take a little short stroke like that there.

You see?

See how it comes right off of there? Look at that there.

Right on.

Coming right off.

Bald as a fucking billiard ball. We're going to have a balded clam here in a

minute.

Do it like it comes.

I'm thinking about you all the same.

Yep, right, honey.

Get in here. Get in here. You ain't safe out there, are you? That one little

motherfucker right there. Where the hell is he?

Ow. He got him. He got him.

God damn it, Jasper. Watch it.

Hey.

What the hell? That's starting to look...

Lickered in the fucking Kelly Cervales head.

Where? Right there. Be careful with that. I'm pouring it out to him. Right

I just did, yeah.

Get

all

that shaving cream off of there. Yep.

Good idea.

Now, I think we're right ready for some of this here oil.

Get some of this oil all over, make it nice and shiny. Show me what it looks

like. Golly, where's the mirror there, Jasper? Mirror, all right. I got the

mirror right over here.

Here it is.

Okay, you ready for this there, sweetheart?

Okay. Look here.

As I live and breathe. Look at that.

Oh, boy.

It looks like the first time I ever dipped my wick in her.

Yeah, the year I dropped out of high school.

Yeah, I got drafted.

The year Jasper came home on leave.

Yeah, I remember that well.

Hargett, why don't you go on out and buy yourself a new mirror?

Well, hell, I don't need a new mirror, Jasper. Yes, you do. This one here got a

crack in it.

Where's it got a crack in it?

Where?

Right there. See that crack right there?

Whoa.

Well, hell, I don't need that mirror. Yes, you do. I can just use the back of

this here frying pan.

Well, hell, then, go out and walk a dog in, damn it.

I don't have a dog to walk.

Well, then, fuck, go out and buy yourself a dog and take it for a walk.

Hell, Jasper, you don't have to beat around the bush.

You want to fuck Stella, don't you?

Well, I wouldn't mind. Oh, don't fret yourself. None about it. I tell you

I'm going to sit over here and watch my weenie. Go ahead and fuck. I don't mind

a bit.

Go ahead. Go to it, Jasper.

I'm just going to sit here and watch my weenie. Make sure it don't go away.

Oh.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, Jasper. You like that?

Oh, yeah.

Come on, Jasper. That's right now, Hargis. You just sit right there and

it, okay?

Do it to me.

I'm going to do it myself for you. Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Jasper.

Oh, dear.

Oh,

dear. Oh,

dear.

I'm getting dizzy all right.

I feel like a pony's peeping Tom, you know what I mean?

Oh.

Well, Phil, how come you never done that with me before?

Oh, Jasper.

Yes, oh, yes, oh, yes.

Oh.

You know what? I got another little surprise for you, honey. What you got

I got some beads for you.

Yeah. Now we're going to do something.

Here comes the surprise.

Oh. Here it comes.

Oh.

Yeah. Oh.

Ain't that great?

Isn't that great?

Oh, yeah. You're going to love it.

Ain't that terrific?

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

yeah. Come on, yeah. Come on, baby.

Come on. Come on. That's it.

That's it.

That's it. Come, baby.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Come on.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

One more coming at you. Yeah. One more.

Here it comes.

Here it comes.

I'm going to have to fuck you now.

Look at that beak come out there.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, ain't that great?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, here comes another one.

Oh, yeah. Look at that.

Oh,

yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

yeah. Come on.

Oh.

It turns me on.

Okay,

come on, baby. Come on down here and give me some head.

Come on, baby.

Okay.

You do that so good, baby.

Oh,

sweetheart.

You do that so good.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God. I'm going to cum like crazy. Here I cum.

Oh,

yeah.

Oh.

Oh.

Good show.

That's my baby.

Yeah. Yeah.

This feels nice.

Look how clean it is. It looks nice, too. Let me get the rest of the shaving

cream off of there.

Look at that. It's clean as a whistle.

Yep.

Oh, she feels wonderful.

Well, you know what? I should save all these beaver shavings and make coats out

of them.

I bet Jasper would be real proud of me coming up with a scheme like that all by

myself.

Instead of divorcing me, my husband decided to have my pussy shaved and sell

for whatever he could get.

You know, I could probably make furry wallets out of them and furry

wigs.

I could even make furry dinnerware.

I guess buyers would think I'm brand new if my curve is clean.

All this disgusting hair while it's making my thing stiff.

Well, let's go fuck before my husband gets back and carts me off to the meat

market.

Well, that's the best idea I've heard all day.

Wait, I want you to introduce you to a little friend of mine.

A what?

That's Muhammad Willie.

He looks fun.

Yeah. Got a pecker that looks like a colored fellow.

What?

Oh, boy.

My fingers keep flipping off the handle, damn it.

Come on.

I think we've had enough old Muhammad Raleigh over here.

Come on back to the back room here. Let me show you what I got.

You got a marvelous body. All right.

Oh, yes.

Mmm.

Like that.

She...

God, that jumper.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, I want to do what my honey Willie was doing to you.

Oh. Oh.

Son of a bitch.

Oh, my God.

Whoa.

You know what I want to do, Donna?

No.

I hid Willie's brother under the pillow.

This is Abdul Leroy.

What I want you to do, I want you to suck on this and I'm going to jerk off

over your face.

Oh, that looks so good.

Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, jerk it. Jerk it off.

Oh, it's still coming out.

Oh. Oh, yeah, rub it all over your face.

Oops, got it in your eye.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, shit.

Oh. That's good.

I loved it. I loved it. Oh, it feels so good.

Yeah? Oh, you're great.

Come in.

I'm in here.

Hi there.

I'm here for your afternoon shave.

Would you like some?

I think you must have the wrong house.

Come on, I recognize you.

You're the girl from that stupid TV show this afternoon.

You have the wrong house. Now please, leave.

Are you sure?

But of course, you see. My pussy, it's already been shaved.

Well, I must have taken a wrong turn on Hollywood Boulevard or something.

But since I'm here, would you mind taking a look at my pussy? I shaved

too. You want to look?

Why not?

Well, okay.

Oh, isn't that pretty?

It's all gone, just like yours.

Oh, isn't that interesting?

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Oh,

that's nice.

Oh. Ooh.

Ooh.

Okay. Ooh.

Come on, talk to me. Come on.

Oh,

yeah.

That feels so nice.

And that

nice shade of pussy.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, wow.

Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Yeah, eat one because you want to. Yeah, that's wrong.

I'm going to eat one.

up to the car, raise it up, change the car, wash myself, and sew my own blue

jeans, ain't I always nice, your kid sister, take her

ridin' with me every night, so, sit her up on my feet, cause I like you and

you're sweet, and no it ain't

You like her?

Hell yeah.

Found her out there on Melrose.

I figure what we'll do is we'll shave her clean and get her back out there on

the street before lunch.

Well, hell, Jasper, she ought to pick up a nice piece of change.

There you go.

Well, you know what? I think we ought to inspect the bitch before we take a

chance on her. You know what I mean?

I think you're right, Jasper.

Okay, boys.

Watch this.

Like this?

I love it. Would you just like to lick this?

Sure would.

Me too.

Take it off. Take it off.

Let's see what you got, honey.

I got lots and lots to show.

Nice and slow. Yeah, turn around. Let me show you that.

That's really nice. My goodness.

Would you just like to run your hands down?

I sure would.

Just a little bit there, Hargis.

Yeah, a little over here. Come on, let's do this, dude.

Get up there, brother.

Goddamn, hair all over.

That's right.

I don't want to mess you up, so we're going to put this on you, okay?

Fine with me. Fix you up right now.

Yeah.

There you go, Marty.

Let's put that down there on the floor so it don't make a mess now.

We don't want to make no mess now.

Okay. There you go. Now where's the shaving cream?

The shaving cream on this here is good.

There you go. I need more than that. No, don't put it on there.

Give me some more. Okay, okay. A little bit more. There you go. There you go.

All right, let's get it.

Man, that stuff does go all the way down there.

I'm telling you.

Let's get this down here.

There's another razor right over there. There it is. I got it right here.

We're going to get it wet. We're going to get it good and wet right here.

We've got to shave her down. There we go.

There we go.

Get it all shaved off there and get her back out there for lunch.

Yeah.

It's coming off real quick.

Coming right off. Look at that.

We're getting down to the precarious level now.

We're getting into the point where it's going to be touch and go. Touch and go.

You've got to be real careful. You've got to be real careful.

Real carefully right here.

You know, you might as well...

You know, go for all the bargains, you know, you can't.

Every little penny counts.

I shouldn't have brought them in.

Well, you're the expert.

I'm still in with this game.

Yeah, well, it won't be too long and you'll be an expert at bushwhacking.

Okay, get all that shaving cream off there. Let me see what we got here,

Look at this. Look at this.

You know what, Hardin? That is a piece of fucking genius.

That's one of the finest jobs of beaver cleaning we've ever done.

I think so, bro. Yep, I think so. Look here. Let's finish up the job here.

Nice oil on there, Hardin. Yeah, all nice and slippery.

Real nice.

You good, son? Put some more on there. Come on there. Let's see.

Rub it all around there.

Rub it in there.

Get it all rubbed in there good.

Yeah, get a nice and shiny there.

Wait a minute. She's got something up in her pussy.

What are you talking about? Something hard. I don't know what the hell it is.

Look. Well, I'll be ding -danged. What in the world do you call that thing?

That's a ball bear. It's out of a Jimmy Kimmel.

There what?

Benoit Balls? Yes.

I wear them all the time.

Well, what do they do?

They turn you on, actually.

Benoit, what kind of word is that? I've never heard no Benoit Balls. Benoit,

that must be like Japanese or something. Beat the shit out of me.

You don't need this to turn you on, sweetheart. No, all you need is us. You

me and Jasper. We're going to show you what life is all about. Right now.

We're going to wait another second. Come on.

You grab one leg, I'll grab the other. Here we go.

Here we go.

I knew she was a kinky one.

Look at me.

Oh, I am.

I'll slap my pussy with your cock.

Yeah,

that's real nice, sweetheart.

I'm going to bite your ass.

Put some finger balls. Yeah, yeah.

Do it harder.

Come on.

Faster, faster.

Harder, harder.

Harder. I can't feel it.

I'm going to do it harder. Come on.

I can't feel it.

Come on.

Oh, Jasper, she's got a nice, fine mouth there. Oh, I've got to have some of

that there mouth.

Get on up over there, man.

Come on.

Yeah. Get it to its bones at the same time, sweetheart.

Take that thing inside your mouth, buddy. Yeah.

Go ahead.

Yeah. Oh, suck on it. That's it.

I love to do this.

Ooh, suck on it.

Ooh,

you'll see it. Hey.

Yeah,

that's it, baby.

Ooh, suck on it. Yeah, there you go.

Oh, oh, this is so good.

Darling, I got a little pie for you.

Don't you like to get those cookies?

Mm -hmm.

She's into it a little bit.

I think she likes it a little bit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

A little bit.

Looks pretty.

All right.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, my God. Oh, yeah, yeah.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, you take them. Oh. Oh.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, baby. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. Oh, God.

Oh, that was.

Oh.

Oh, yeah.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, yeah, baby, yeah.

Oh, baby.

Oh, this is so good.

Oh, yeah.

Let's knock on that cock.

Yeah, that's it.

Oh, yeah.

Knock on it.

Oh, man.

Oh, yeah. You know what you do to a little dildo?

What you do to a cock?

I'll cover you with that.

Oh, yeah.

Oh,

come on.

Let's spit that out on my... That looks my purty.

I ain't never seen nothing crazy in all my born days.

I brought the hair.

I am not interested.

But that's what I'm here for.

I'm only interested in one thing.

What else is new?

So are they.

Who?

Them. The ones watching you and me.

Master, don't you be talking like that.

They're only interested in watching me bone you.

Nobody wants to hear what you're saying.

That's why they have fast forward buttons for.

Come on. We wasted too much time talking.

Come on.

Weird guy, this colonel. He talks to puppies, not to people.

I don't want to roll over.

Against me?

Oh, my

God.

I don't want to step in with you.

I'm coming. Oh, God.

or something.

Hey, what's up? Hey, that's my name.

Yeah, it is my name.

I don't know.

What's gaffer?

Everything is goofy.

This has been a production of Fuck Up Video.

Please see our next feature coming up next summer.

See you then.

It's too late. Been too long with the day.

For everyone who speaks Spanish, we want to tell you that we'll be back next

year.