Original subtitles

No, no, no. Sarah and I were arguing three months after we were married.

Arguments. Bad scenes.

We were going to bed hating each other.

Got so there was nothing but pain at home and anger in me.

Finally I said, "I'm moving out."

She said, "Good." She wanted to live alone.

I moved out, got my own apartment.

Now, one day, I'm in the supermarket.

I'm throwing all kinds of shit into my basket.

This woman comes up behind me and she says,

"You must have a station wagon."

And I said, "No, I've got a pickup. You need a ride?"

She says, "Yeah."

Sol give her a ride home,

and I carry her groceries upstairs to the apartment.

Inside, sitting on the floor, is a little boy watching TV.

We sit around for a while talking, drinking.

The little boy gets up, cooks himself supper,

gives himself a bath, and goes to bed.

We go to bed about midnight.

Maybe, 4:00 in the morning, I wake up thinking,

"I didn't leave one woman to jump in the sack with another."

So I get up, I get dressed, and I leave.

I'm just about to pull out of the driveway

when this woman comes running out, naked.

She says, "Where are you going?"

And I said, "Home."

She said, "I'll come with you." I said, "No, no, no. I'll phone you."

And then she says, smiling,

"Okay. Good night."

Just like her little boy. Easy.

Following afternoon when I woke up, I know I wanted to see her.

But I didn't know her number. I didn't know her address.

I didn't even know her name.

So I went back to the supermarket.

Went around the parking lot.

I did this every day for a week.

I kept remembering the way she looked at me and said,

"Okay. Good night."

I really wanted to see her.

But I don't think I could have recognized her.

When we met, she was wearing jeans.

What if she walked up to me in a dress?

Anyhow,

I never saw her again.

That's your love story?

Do you still love her?

How come you never told me that story?

I'm not so sure it happened.

I still look for her.

Even now, when Sarah sends me out shopping,

she doesn't know the risk she's taking.

Hey, I have an idea. Why don't we all look for her?

That can be the purpose of this club.

Looking for Cavanaugh's woman. What do you say?

That's the whole story?

Yeah.

I fell in love with a woman I couldn't find the next day.

Tell me why not? Just don't keep saying, "No."

I'm very busy.

That's your reason?

I can give you a lot of reasons.

Give me the real one.

It embarrasses me.

I mean the idea makes me laugh.

Men getting together. What for?

A women's group, I understand. Politics, rights, wrongs.

They got a lot to talk about.

They talk about their anger, how to live with it.

Anyhow, being personal with a roomful of strangers,

it's not my style.

Don't you hear me?

I'm talking about a men's club.

Regular guys. A lawyer, a real estate.

A professor.

Nobody's going to ask for your confession.

Well, I see a high school locker room,

naked boys snapping towels at each other's balls, that kind of fun.

We don't hang out with the boys. We're past that.

Anyhow, why me?

How often do we see each other?

Sometimes I see you on the campus in a crowd of people,

I open my mouth and nothing comes out. I don't even say hello.

And then you just disappear.

Mr. Cavanaugh, I don't mean to interrupt, but I get off duty in a few minutes.

Can I have your autograph? It's for my kid brother.

Could you just sign the menu? He'll be so thrilled.

What's your name?

Tanya. Thompson.

I live in Mill Valley.

My brother's name is Dickie.

Baseball freak, eh?

Do you know he's got this picture of you?

It's like a poster on his wall.

You're just flying through the air.

That's how I think of you, too.

- Flying through the air. - Yeah?

I was pretty good, you know?

.320 lifetime. World Series ring.

It's awfully gaudy, that thing.

What are you talking about? You never came to the games anyway.

Let me tell you something.

I came to games and never told you.

You paid for tickets?

I wanted to be your friend. Not your fan.

You're an asshole.

I could have gotten you in for nothing.

You better come to this meeting Wednesday night.

I told them I was bringing a professor.

Tanya Thompson, Mill Valley?

No, I don't have the street address.

No, Tanya with a "T," not a

"T," like in "tits."

God, you know, I got so much shit on my tapes.

I don't even know what I got.

I mean, I put this one on at random.

Do you tape all your patients?

Well, somebody could be telling me something.

I'm not hearing 'em. Later I play the tape, and I hear 'em.

Why don't you hear 'em?

How much does a person have to say?

One thing, that's it.

You know, how a person walks, he says it.

How a person eats, he says it. I tune out.

The machine is my ears.

Well, if you didn't tape everything, you'd remember.

Hey, that's good. Better write that down.

- It is good, isn't it? - Yeah.

What did I say?

I don't remember.

Hey, what's bothering you?

You know that meeting Wednesday night.

We're supposed to talk to each other, right?

Yeah. I mean, really talk. Man to man.

A men's club, you dig?

Well, why do you want to tape it?

Well, that's what's bothering you?

Yeah. I don't want a machine listening to me, man.

I want you listening.

Like you said, man to man.

It's hard enough talking to a person.

Hey, bud!

You do it good.

I've been watching you.

Help me park my car.

Please.

You don't have to tell me you got trouble.

I can see it.

I mean, when it comes to screwing things up,

or things going wrong, I am the boss. The leader, the king.

I flew down here from California to make a deal,

upon which many other deals are hanging.

I mean, there is money moving in California that's gonna fall flat on its ass

if other money isn't moving here in Baton Rouge.

Nothing is happening.

I mean, these guys stick me in a waiting room,

I'm sitting in this waiting room.

They come out and tell me that the trade is off.

They humiliated me.

Dear Harold,

after six years of psychoanalysis,

I have finally found out who I really am.

I know how surprised you might feel this moment.

I am also surprised.

I hope you can appreciate how surprising it is for a person

to discover who she really is.

It's very surprising.

You can keep the furniture.

I've taken some duplicates.

Sincerely, Daisy.

P.S. There's some tuna fish in the refrigerator.

I mean, the kitchen.

I've taken the refrigerator.

- What are you doing to me? - Sorry.

Get off, get off! Get off me!

Jesus.

What is the matter with you? Can't you even sleep like a normal person?

I gotta get up in the morning with the kids. You know that. I...

I need my sleep.

I'm so tired.

Don't ever do that to me again. You really scared me.

Tomorrow night, okay?

Tomorrow night, baby.

I'll get a good night's sleep, and we'll make love.

I'm going to sleep now.

How am I going to write you a letter?

I don't even know your address.

It says here you checked out, Mister. Are you staying another day?

Check me out.

I have appointment with Dr. Baker.

There's no Dr. Baker in this place, hooch,

so just haul your ass out of here,

and you take your jive to another emergency room.

Won't I do?

Doctor, she is trouble.

Are you a doctor?

I work here.

Dumb job, if you ask me. Most of those people out there are sick.

It's messy.

Yeah, well, I wear old clothes.

Doctor, emergency entrance, please.

I had one drink, and I fell down the stairs.

I don't know how it happened, Doctor.

I mean, one hears about these things,

yet you never imagine it might happen to oneself.

It's like a little death, isn't it?

And me, of all people. I don't even catch cold.

Can you move?

No, no, I don't think so.

I've seen this before.

Usually with women or children in cases of severe shock.

Kathy, get the ice.

- Big bag? - Yeah.

Lie very still.

- Don't move. - I can't move.

I'm paralyzed.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Oh, my God! Are you crazy?

What is this place, a torture chamber?

I told you, I'm paralyzed!

Thank you, Doctor.

You'll do anything if I give you a prescription?

Anything.

Anything, Doctor.

I am the queen of kink.

I will do anything you dare say out loud.

Okay.

Play the game one more time.

Just once more.

Five, nine, 17, 41, hot dog, nine, 66,

banana pie, ten, three, zero.

I want it backwards this time, and I want it fast.

Zero, three, ten, banana pie, 66, nine, hot dog, 41, 17, nine, five.

You're a genius!

Come on, man, give me a scrip.

I don't know, Felicia.

I tell you, I was beginning to think you and I had something here, you know?

Some sort of friendship, or even love.

The way a man shows his love is a test of his character.

Do you really believe that?

Yeah. And you've got no character.

Give me a scrip!

Take off your clothes.

Damn it, damn it, damn it! I forgot to put the coffee on!

They're out there talking and I just want to hear what they're saying.

Hannah, Hannah, Hannah.

You go bed, Phoebe honey. What are you doing keeping her up, Phillip?

God, I have to do everything?

Hannah, I'm making the coffee. Just go back in.

Well, not too strong.

And put her to bed now, okay?

- Please? - As soon as I finish cleaning up.

- Thanks. - You're welcome.

Kiss Mommy.

You all set for Wednesday night?

Well, I got a guy driving in from San Jose, another one from San Francisco.

How about you? Are you coming?

Cavanaugh, I don't know.

All right, give me the address again.

Only you could drag me to something like this.

It's not so easy getting out of the house, you know?

You just open the door, and you're out.

Kramer's house.

222 Green Street.

Listen, you might even have a little fun.

Come on, Phillip. Do it.

Do it.

I'll think about it.

Wait a minute!

You saying... You're telling us

you wouldn't be jealous if she made it with another guy.

- Jealous? - Yeah, jealous.

No, man, I'm liberated.

What the hell does that mean?

I don't feel anything!

Being liberated means you don't feel anything?

Yeah.

I'm liberated.

You don't feel anything?

Once, I felt something.

Tell us about that.

Tell us about that. Tell us about the time that you felt something.

- Everybody wanna hear? - Yeah.

All right. We were

in a...

We had rented a cabin in the mountains near Tahoe. A ski cabin.

The first night we got a little drunk after dinner, and somebody...

Maybe me.

Yeah, me.

I said, "Let's trade partners."

- It was my own idea, right? - Yeah.

Okay, so we traded.

It was okay, it wasn't the first time. We did it.

But then, I heard my wife moaning.

She was overdoing it, you know what I mean?

She was moaning with love.

Love?

Yeah. Moaning with love.

Did it ruin your weekend?

It was horrible, man.

I lost my erection.

I was humiliated. I ran...

I ran outside the cabin!

I sat on a rock, and she...

She's hollering through the door, "Solly! Solly Berliner!"

So she comes outside. She's laughing!

As she finds me, she says

it's not her fault. It was my idea.

I hit her, I said, "That's my idea, too!"

She started crying.

Soon as she started crying, my erection came back!

So then what happened?

You know what happened. I mean, it's a cliché.

She hit him and they made it together.

How do you know? How do you know everything?

I'm telling what happened to me! Me!

All right. All right.

What happened next?

She hit me and we made it together!

It's a love story, isn't it?

You guys call it love.

I call it stories about the other woman.

Moaning, just moaning, she's your wife.

But moaning with love, she becomes the other woman.

You all think that only the other woman is interesting.

What, are you trying to tell us that we don't love our own wives?

Yeah, 'cause if that's what you're trying to say, you're right.

I hate my wife.

All right, let me talk. I wanna tell a love story.

Go, man. Sings the blues.

Okay, when I was in college, I roomed with a woman named Marilyn.

All right?

Now, we went everywhere together. Movies, concerts, parties.

But there was nothing sexual between us.

We were too close.

It would have been a crime.

One night, Marilyn invites a girlfriend home to dinner,

who looks something like her.

Same curly, brown hair, same blue eyes.

Before dinner's over, Marilyn excuses herself, and leaves.

The girlfriend and I are left alone.

It is glorious.

The next day, Marilyn says that I acted badly at dinner,

practically forcing her out of her own apartment

I say, "I thought you left as a favor to me."

She said, "I left because you made it extremely obvious"

"that you wanted me out of here."

"Why don't you just admit that you find me disgusting physically?"

"That you always have?"

So I sit down next to her on the couch.

She says, "Get away from me, you pig!"

Jumps up, storms into the bathroom.

I hear her in there, slamming around,

bottles are toppling out of the medicine cabinet, smashing.

Then she comes out. She's wearing a robe,

nothing underneath, and the robe is open.

And she stands there,

she accuses me of things that

I couldn't have imagined, let alone thought about her.

Suddenly, I am full of a new feeling.

It's not what a normal person would call "sexual feeling."

What does your dick know? It's not a connoisseur of normal sex.

So I find myself leaping off the couch, grabbing her.

She's twisting, she's trying to hit me,

I mean, she's seriously trying to hurt me.

Then, she begins to collapse, slides to the floor.

I'm on top of her. I'm in my clothes, she's laying on her open robe.

It's supernaturally exciting.

We're both just shivering, wild.

We just fall asleep like that.

I wake, and I feel her moving.

We look at each other.

Then she says,

"This is very discouraging."

She gets up and goes to the bedroom and shuts the door.

I knock. She opens the door.

She lets me kiss her,

and shuts the door.

And I move out the next day.

I like Marilyn.

I always like the other girl.

There was a woman who used to like to taste my food in restaurants.

I went out with her for months. I almost married her.

She liked to taste your food?

Deborah Zeller. Graduate student in anthropology.

Maybe you knew her. She was a...

She lectured a lot, she had black hair like a swarm of bees.

So, what about Deborah Zeller?

Oh, God.

I'm ashamed.

Man, come on.

This is the 20th century. You can't feel shame.

Listen, people start feeling shame, psychotherapists will go out of business.

Kramer, I'm glad I'm not one of your patients.

Or what is it you call them, your "clients?"

They're sniveling creeps, if you ask me.

My patients are not sniveling creeps.

You know, they come to me in pain.

I get rid of the pain for them.

Yes, yes, I know that you get rid of it, and everything goes with it, doesn't it?

And I know what I'm talking about because my wife

was in psychoanalysis for six years.

And that's so she could find out who she really was,

a greedy little furniture thief.

I came home to an empty house.

Women are practical.

When I can't sleep,

I wake up my wife, and give her a little nookie.

Yeah.

Then I conk right out.

The marriage bed has its benefits.

He's right. He's right.

That's for sure.

But it's different when you're working it with another girl.

The time, the time.

The conversation.

The kissing. I hate kissing.

Reminds me of Sarah.

I drive home every time saying, "I'm never gonna do this again."

But I do it again.

That's 'cause you lie to Sarah.

Now, that's why you can't sleep.

I don't lie to her, I lie to me.

I'm out screwing around, right?

I can't wait to get home.

I get home, dinner is set,

table is ready, kids are all cleaned up waiting for me,

Sarah looks great.

There's a nice little jar of daisies sitting on the table.

I mean, it's just the way it should be, right?

It's perfect.

We start to eat.

I get the fork about two inches away from my face,

and I get a nice little whiff of cunt.

And what do I do?

I say, "Sarah, get those goddamn daisies off the table."

"They're taking up too much room. We can't eat with daisies!"

I like daisies.

This is what I'm telling her to do.

Not this way with you, huh?

No.

You have no kids. You haven't paid your dues.

For you, bullshit is a way of life.

Let's not get personal, Cavanaugh.

I hope I'm not getting personal, but I'm hungry.

Is there anything to eat?

Terry is hungry.

And I believe him, because I, too, am hungry.

And, guys, you are in luck!

Because, tomorrow,

Nancy is having a luncheon meeting of her women's group.

- And the refrigerator happens to be packed. - Oh, man!

Now, let me itemize.

There's different kinds of salad.

There's chicken, turkey. There's a cold, poached salmon.

And there's pecan pie.

I love pecan pie!

You guy are animals.

Wait a minute, Berliner.

Now, look, there's two lemon pies.

There is a chocolate cake...

There we go!

Gentlemen, I offer you this food and this Zinfandel!

This is a wonderful club.

This is a wonderful club!

This table, where did you get this table?

I bought it at an auction. I used tung oil on it.

You licked the table?

Kramer, you know how to run the club.

This is more than a club, this is a symposium.

But, I mean, we've got great food, we've got drink.

- We've got talk. - Yeah.

But we lack something, you know.

We lack entertainment.

We don't lack anything.

I'm glad you reminded me. Don't anybody move.

What you are about to see, gentlemen,

comes to you from the mysterious east,

where I was first introduced to this fantastic spectacle of flying steel.

You're not gonna...

Is that a neat thing.

Instruments of perfect beauty,

balance, and...

Death.

Wow.

I won 'em playing poker in Okinawa with some Marines.

They're very pretty.

They're handmade throwing knives. Perfectly balanced.

They remind me of my wife. She's pretty, too.

She's like a knife?

No, she's just pretty.

Big deal. Women are pretty.

She looks pretty, she moves pretty.

She sits cross-legged on the bed in the middle of the night

and brushes her hair. I watch her do it, every night.

You know, if I made it with another woman, it would degrade Hannah.

What if you didn't tell her?

She'd get sick.

Yeah, she'd get sick. She'd get very sick.

She'd need an operation.

For me, one woman makes another woman necessary.

Remember how I show up at those parties with Miss Beautiful?

And in 10 minutes, I'll be looking at every other woman in the room.

I'd feel trapped for the evening.

Tough, eh?

I don't have to tell you what I did on the road when I was playing ball.

You'd make it with 10,000 groupies.

You're close.

You lack inner resources.

It's not a serious condition.

I love to fuck!

That's serious.

It's gonna be on my gravestone. "He loved to fuck."

Personally,

I prefer courtship.

I never did much courtship, but like...

I met this woman in Baton Rouge in a motel parking lot.

Drunk, leaning up against her car, she couldn't park it right

and she asked me to do it for her.

So, I'm giving her back the keys,

and she says, "We got nothing in common, bud,"

"so don't make any moves on me."

Later she comes back to my room, I couldn't do anything wrong.

She kissed me,

and put her tongue in my mouth.

That's all that happened?

Everything happened,

but the thing is,

she liked me.

I kissed her, too.

Same way.

I think she really liked me.

Later, when I came home, I told Sheila I had to talk to her about something.

She said, "Okay, talk."

So I lay down on the floor, with my suitcases and everything.

She's looking at me like I'm playing some joke.

I said, "Come down here."

She's half-smiling.

But she drops down on her knees. She's humoring me.

She says, "Okay, talk."

"What? You buy into the property?"

I said, "Kiss me."

"Put your tongue in my mouth."

She looks at me, a long time,

and says,

"I will not."

I wanted to punch her right in the head.

I understood then the whole problem with our marriage.

Sheila doesn't like me.

You didn't know your wife didn't like you?

I don't know.

I didn't really understand until I met the woman in Baton Rouge.

She put her tongue in your mouth.

That's how you knew.

It was words.

How come I didn't have the words until then?

I knew a woman like yours.

I was alone in the emergency room, except for a nurse.

And suddenly, this gorgeous Latino appears, coming down the hall.

She had on high heels, short skirt,

jewelry, rings.

Like the emergency room was her place to go dancing.

She was nothing like the girl I met.

Yes, she was.

She liked me. We became friends.

Praise the Lord!

Ignore me. Go on, please.

Don't let me interrupt you. I'm sorry.

I think you were telling us all about your...

Your very good friend, weren't you?

In my opinion,

Harold is telling us all to shut up.

Look, I dislike being analyzed, Kramer. I'm not one of your patients

I'm not one of your clients, your sniveling creeps.

It's the stories, isn't it?

You see, not everyone would like our stories.

You don't have to like our stories.

Thank you. I was afraid I had to like them.

The stories are obscene.

And they make me feel soiled.

But I've been sitting here, and I've been listening.

And I have incurred a debt to this club,

so I think that I should tell a story, too.

But you know that I don't meet gorgeous Latinos?

I have a perfectly ordinary life.

Nothing happens to me.

It's not ordinary for someone's wife to disappear with the furniture.

Well, no, maybe not.

But I realized what it meant. She was leaving me.

She made her point too strongly, but she could have burned the house down.

- Nothing happens to you? - No.

Come on, man. Tell the truth.

What do you do?

I'm a lawyer.

I sue people. I read documents. I write legal instruments.

The work's very hectic. It's full of anxieties.

One of our partners collapsed at a conference recently.

- That's a story! - Good, good.

I paid my debt to the club. Quentin had a heart attack and he died.

Quentin Cohen. He invited me to this meeting.

- Quentin? - Yes.

Haven't you noticed that he isn't here?

I mean, I suppose a lot of others didn't show up.

- Maybe they're all dead. - Quentin is dead?

Yes, he fell down at a meeting at the business conference.

Fell down?

- Where? - Berliner, you know you're harassing me.

- What do you want to hear? - He was my buddy!

I'm sorry. I didn't know him intimately.

- He had a speech impediment. - That's right.

I don't intend to go to his funeral.

I'm just here to pay my respects.

Hey, what about some coffee?

Nancy laid out a whole lot of coffee, for the girls, you know.

Kona, Uganda, Brazil, you know. I'll mix it up.

- How do you guys like it? - Sit down!

Doesn't anybody want any coffee?

What is this coffee shit? Harold is talking.

Did we come here to talk, or to have fucking coffee?

You want some coffee? Go and make it for yourself, and shove it up your ass.

Hey, didn't you hear what Harold's been saying?

You know, that our club is a fucking funeral,

he came to pay his respects to the dead.

You know, your stories are obscene, my patients are sniveling creeps.

Didn't you hear all of that, Solly?

I thought you were my friend.

Maybe I was wrong about you. Maybe I ought to kick your ass.

Try it.

Gentlemen, really, really. This is my fault.

I ruined everything by starting all this dissention.

If you must hit anybody, I suggest that you hit me.

Fuck it. No.

- Kramer! - Break it up!

Stop it! Come on!

Kramer, stop it!

Deborah was a brilliant woman.

She was wonderful, really wonderful.

She was articulate, she could lecture, she played tennis like a man.

And she could sing.

And I'm a sucker for singing women.

One time,

driving home from a movie,

she started to sing Brother, Can You Spare a Dime.

The money blues.

I drove so slowly,

hoping she'd never stop.

As for what happened, I'm still ashamed.

I mean, we were having dinner in a restaurant in San Francisco,

and I was trying to impress her.

Let her know that doctors know about food, too.

And this dessert I ordered was strawberries under flaming chocolate.

And I wasn't just eating it, I was committing it to memory.

And Deborah was giving me looks of approval,

as if to say how much she enjoyed my pleasure in the dessert.

And suddenly, she takes her fork,

and she sticks it into my strawberries without asking my permission.

Many things about her I admired.

But nobody puts herself between my plate and my mouth.

She sticks her fork in the dessert,

and she hacks away a piece and she shoves it in her mouth,

and she starts rolling it around.

A bulge in one cheek, and then there's this bulge in the other cheek.

And she's smiling at me as if we're sharing this delicious dessert.

What'd you do?

I kicked her under the table.

Wow.

She screamed, and she started to fall back, but her chair got caught in the rug.

I kicked her again,

and again and again.

She was stabbing at my foot with her fork.

I was wearing thin Italian shoes, she could have stabbed right through.

What a bitch she was.

Did you know her?

Know her? Why should I know her?

You can't end an affair like that with just a kick under the table.

You're right. I should call her.

I'm glad I told that story, 'cause now I finally understand how I feel.

She's waiting for my call, I can feel it. She's waiting for it.

How long has it been since you spoke to her?

Five years.

Well then, call her.

No, man, don't call her. Please.

Come on. You're with us tonight.

Hey, look. Harold says we gotta do something physical.

I mean, that's what this club needs.

I know. Wait a minute.

How about I teach you how to throw these little beauties?

It's night time.

- So? - It's dark. We'll lose the knives.

All right, we'll do it in here.

At the kitchen door.

Like this. Look, I'll show you.

Hey, Paul. Take care of the table.

- Okay. - Here we go.

And...

All right.

All right.

- Cavanaugh. - Look at him! Look at him!

Come on!

Now, Paul.

- Come on, come on. - Okay.

- Oh, no. Not me. - Come on.

Something physical.

Look at him.

- I've never done that before. - You're an Indian.

Let's see who can beat that.

I think so.

Will you throw the knife?

Come on, let's go!

Just a little low. Just a little low.

I'm going to bring it right up to center. Watch this.

It's the glasses, the glasses.

Well, next time.

Wing it!

Good one!

You know, he's a natural.

Don't worry about it.

Are you sure this is okay?

You know, usually at this time of night, I'm in my backyard,

I'm in my robe and my slippers and I'm beating my dog with a magazine.

It's amazing. He starts to howl when he hears the sirens,

and every dog in the neighborhood howls.

I mean, it's the most ghastly sound you ever heard.

It's not ghastly at all.

I played ball for a summer team called The Red Wolves.

If we won, we'd go into the locker room and howl. It's terrific.

I'll clean it up tomorrow.

Tonight.

Tonight.

Hi, Nancy.

Hi, Solly.

It's no problem, Nancy, we'll clean it up.

Come on, guys.

Hey! You got your hair cut.

Wow, it looks good. Very good.

I like it, too.

Thanks.

Yeah, the horizontal look.

It's in. Very, very in.

Yeah, one of my clients had her hair cut with the vertical look.

And the very same day, she sees a model on the cover of a magazine

with her hair totally fucking opposite from hers. I mean, you know...

She goes vertical, the rest of the world goes horizontal.

I mean, it really destroyed her. Made her feel stupid.

Vertical. Everybody else is horizontal.

She went deaf for a week.

Do you think it's fair talking about her like that?

Yeah.

Hey, where did you get it cut? San Francisco?

A woman friend of mine cut it for me.

It's a good job.

Yeah, what do you call it?

Layered? Right?

Sort of the windblown look.

Like the beach. Windy beach.

Yeah. Your friend really did a good job.

Hey, my client paid 80 bucks to get her hair cut,

then she had to come and talk to me about it afterwards.

So another 50 bucks.

You figure, 130 bucks for a haircut?

Plus going deaf.

I mean...

I'll take care of those marks.

Must have been hungry.

Yeah, God. We were starving.

Listen, I'll replace the food, yeah.

I'll have it catered. You know, chicken, salmon, everything.

What time is your women's group coming over?

I feel invaded.

Invaded.

How do you feel about that?

Why don't you put it on tape?

Put it on tape?

We could put it on a tape.

I think I could express myself without putting it on tape.

Although, I think even now, you think by expressing myself,

I'm like, cutting your balls off. I mean, I sense negative vibes, you know.

I think you think I'm ruining your party.

N...

Listen, you're not responsible for my feelings.

- Right. Right. - I mean, I could be feeling what I'm feeling.

Right, I understand.

I appreciate your feelings about your freedom.

Yeah, and I appreciate, like, how you want to express yourself.

But you just don't think I should express myself right this minute.

Do you think I could, like, express myself later?

Could be later.

Sure, sure, I understand, yeah. It could be later.

- Right. - Sure, that's cool.

We could sit down later. Talk.

Right. We could sit down and talk over a cup of coffee in the morning.

- This is the morning. - Right.

It's gonna be okay. She's a nag, but she's in control.

Oh, no.

Don't!

I feel you're feeling anger.

I want to express myself, like, now!

I feel you're feeling anger.

Now, how do you feel about that?

I don't want to talk to you!

Okay.

Tonight! You clean up tonight!

I don't know what's going on. You know...

She never nags, never complains,

never has moods, never even gets sick.

Now, all of a sudden, she has a tizzy.

- What the hell is going on? - Stop moving.

I thought we had an understanding.

Anyone could see that.

You want us to clean up, man?

Yeah, we can clean up. We can...

No! No! You're my guests.

Hey, listen.

Why don't you guys go out somewhere, you know?

- Enjoy yourselves. - No, we really would like to help.

Forget it.

She does that when she's mad. But only sometimes.

Wait!

The Victorian dresser. Big mother.

I don't know how she did it.

Must be really pissed. Really pissed.

Well...

I'm really glad you guys came by this evening, you know.

I really enjoyed tonight. And, you know, I wanna do it again.

Thing is, I need to work out a better schedule with Nancy.

You know, I mean, I see that now, that's our problem.

We need a better schedule.

Well, listen, you guys, it's time for you to go home now.

I mean, she'd never say anything so uncool,

but, you know, I know her. I see what she's, like, trying to say.

- You take care of that, hear? - Yeah.

I mean, if you hang around,

it could fuck up my marriage.

Gentlemen, I have got an idea.

Would you let me buy you all breakfast?

I know a wonderful place in San Francisco.

They've got great music, they've got wonderful food.

Well, there's entertainment I think you'll like.

Yeah, yeah, go. Great idea.

- Good night. - Good night.

- Good night. - Take care of yourself, man.

Right.

For he's a jolly good fellow

For he's a jolly good fellow

Look.

Need to make a call.

- Are you ordering food? - I'm fine.

Yes, hello. This is Harold Canterbury.

My law firm represents Max Rogers.

I'm with a party of six,

and I was wondering if you could possibly take us.

How do you do? I'm Harold Canterbury.

How have you been, Harold?

I believe you have the advantage of me.

Well, I used to be a redhead.

I telephoned a short while ago. I know this is short notice, but...

Show us some identification, Harold, and maybe I'll remember.

Okay.

They're not cops.

Come on, Jo. They're pumpkins.

It's late.

Throw caution to the winds.

Welcome, pumpkins. Welcome to the House of Affections.

Girls, I'm here!

They moved the floor. I'll sue you!

I hope you don't sue us, darling.

I swear I got here as fast as I could, sweetheart.

But I got kidnapped by this gang of fairies.

An ass like mine is irresistible.

I have that problem, too.

- Where do I sign? - At the X.

The sticker price is $4,500.

Any arrangement you have with Max suits me.

I want everything he gets.

Of course, Harold.

And now I'll introduce you to Teensy.

Of course. Who's Teensy?

Your bonus.

She's very much in demand.

Max always asks for Teensy.

Would you like a drink?

Thank you.

- How 'bout you? - Yeah. Thanks.

Glad you came?

Yeah, I could have missed all this.

What's bothering you?

It means a lot to me that you're here tonight.

Christ sakes, we never see each other, we never talk.

You've said more than I wanna hear.

You know, Sarah's a friend of mine.

I don't wanna know things about her that she doesn't know,

you know, know that I know.

I feel compromised You know, I can never talk to her

the same way ever again.

You fucking understand that?

She wants a divorce.

Again?

She thinks she's in love with some guy.

Can you believe it?

Been killing me for weeks.

I wanna sympathize. I really do, I want...

The only thing that I can remember

is that whole parade of beautiful women.

Every one looking so small, so obedient next to the star, the big hero.

Have you ever wanted Sarah in particular?

Do you know where you are as you're saying this to me?

Do you know where you fucking are at this moment?

I tell Sarah the truth, and she wants a divorce.

I tell you the truth and you get hysterical.

I know where I am! I've been in places like this before.

Trouble with you is you never get out of your head.

I do what I want to do.

All right.

All right. Do you wanna keep Sarah?

I'll tell you what you do.

Go home.

Right now.

Go home and tell her that you love her.

Tell her that she's the center of your world.

Tell her that you can't live without her.

Tell her anything to keep her in place.

And hurry right back. We'll be waiting for you.

We both fucking know that you're gonna be back here. Don't we?

Don't we?

How are you tonight?

Okay.

- Hi, fellas. - Hello.

- I'm Lake. - Of course you are.

What an extraordinary, beautiful name.

I'm Terry, and this is Paul.

Hello.

"So, we could talk to each other, man to man. You know, really talk."

"Man to man."

Except, a woman comes along and it's every man for himself.

My name is Allison.

I knew that. I could tell that.

You're gorgeous.

Put your tongue in my mouth.

My name's Page.

You wanna hurt me?

Why would I wanna do that?

Because I'm hurting you, lover.

I feel where the pain is the worst.

What do you say we do something to ease it?

How do you like this look, Jo?

Never tried it before.

It's you.

Teensy, meet Harold.

Harold, do you like this look?

Not too vulgar, is it?

- It's ravishing. - Want me to do one on you?

Harold doesn't wear makeup, Teensy.

Ask him about his job.

Tell me about your job, Harold.

I'm a lawyer.

N...

I do corporate law. It isn't interesting.

Ask him if he's married, Teensy.

Are you married?

My wife left me.

Change the subject, Teensy.

Tell me about your wife.

Change the subject, Teensy.

Was she pretty?

Yes.

Was she a good fuck?

I think so, yes.

But there was stuff she wouldn't do. A man needs more than a good fuck.

No, there was nothing she wouldn't do.

So what was the trouble? She stupid?

She could tie her shoelaces.

She was stupid.

But you loved her.

Yes.

Poor Harold. I know that kind of bitch.

She wore too much perfume.

She was always buying clothes that didn't look right.

She couldn't balance her checkbook.

You pity her, Harold?

I didn't want to.

How could you help it? She had no taste.

She couldn't understand your jokes.

She made you talk slow.

She never understood a word you said.

You want me to stay, Harold?

You can go.

- What was your stupid wife's name? - Daisy.

Sounds like a sleeper.

Was she a sleeper, Harold?

Well, she certainly slept a great deal. That's what you mean, isn't it?

More or less.

- She a pill-head? - I really loved her.

You said that already.

You're a monotonous man, Harold.

You're a Johnny-one-note.

Yes, you are.

That was like music.

Like poetry.

Like...

Don't you have any feelings that aren't like something?

Hey, lover, why can't you let me do my job?

You did it.

Don't ruin it with bullshit.

That's my job.

My real name is Cynthia. I hate it.

You know what I did?

What did you do? Tell me.

I had a bunch of cards printed up so I could give them away to people.

And there was one word printed on the card. It said, "Lake."

Your name.

With my phone number underneath it.

You...

Go ahead and say that again. Only this time, say it really slowly.

Man, that's eerie.

It's erotic.

I think I'm gonna have an eruption.

Come on, let's go to my room.

I'm sorry, I can't. I...

This is the first night...

This is, like, the first night in 15 years I haven't been with my wife.

Come on.

This is hard for me.

I love my wife.

Know what I mean? I mean, when I'm with her, I...

I don't have to try...

to live, you know?

You're a mean son of a bitch.

That's good.

Come on, baby, talk... Talk dirty to me.

What?

Well, I'm listening.

I'm an old fashioned sort of person.

I need to have, you know, some kind of relationship with a person before...

Why don't you tell me something about yourself?

Me?

You want me to talk about myself?

Well, that's very old fashioned, but what have I got to talk about?

Where are you from? Things like that. Just simple things.

Simple things?

Simple things, my ass.

You wanna know, like,

how I got turned out and all that?

Well, if I wasn't doing this, I'd be doing something else.

Look, honey, I never finished high school.

I'm boring.

I am so boring.

Really, really boring.

You wanna hear something interesting?

Listen to this.

That's French.

Go ahead, baby, talk any language you like.

But you think if... If you don't mind too much,

could you hold me while we talk?

Like this?

Tighter.

See, the thing is,

when I talk,

I depress myself. Know what I mean?

Tighter.

- Tighter, tighter. - Give me that goddamn machine!

You have ego problems.

You just lie down and shut up!

Talk, talk, talk, talk, talk, blah, blah, blah, blah.

You must be some kind of animal.

Mercy! I mean merci.

Do I remind you of your wife?

Not yet. Complain about something.

You're okay, Solly.

Can I ask you a personal question?

I do it for money.

I thought you did it for the exercise.

Comes with the job.

All the girls here are in great shape.

I want nice clothes.

I want to be independent.

Have a good time.

Do anything else?

I'm writing a book.

About whores?

I mean, prostitutes?

No. About married men.

Put me in it, will you? I'll tell you anything you wanna know.

- Have dinner with me. - It's against the rules.

Fuck the rules. I know a great Mexican restaurant.

Got fantastic burritos and enchiladas

and a little band of fucking midget Mexican guitar players.

- There's something... - You'll love it.

About our relationship that you don't understand.

How about Italian?

- The answer's no. - McDonald's. I'll buy you a hamburger.

Solly. Let's go to my room.

All right. Wanna go to your room? Come on, let's go, let's go.

- Hey, take it easy. - You are easy.

What the hell are you doing? Jesus!

Now, do you hit?

Well, you don't want dinner.

Come on, I'll give you what you want.

- You're crazy! - Tell me what you want.

You want me to fuck you?

That's Billy. You want her?

I wanna watch you dance with her.

I can't believe what I'm watching.

How venal.

Look at that son of a bitch.

Well, in this dream, people speak to me in Chinese.

And I understand them.

Not only that, I answer them in Chinese.

So?

So, I don't speak Chinese.

What's it all about?

It means you're not really you.

You're a lost soul.

You mean I'm really Chinese?

But I'm walking around like this?

Like I'm me, but not really me?

You got it.

Wow.

I'm gonna have cards printed up.

They're gonna say, "Lost Soul."

With your phone number underneath.

Yeah.

Are you a fag?

No.

Wouldn't bother me if you were.

It wouldn't bother me either.

You can tell me anything.

I wanna tell you things.

I wanna hear.

Tell me what you're most ashamed of.

I find you very appealing.

Harold, I'm really into this, but I don't know about you.

You don't move.

You don't say anything unless I ask you something first.

Oh, Jesus.

You mind if I do some more?

No, I think I would mind if you didn't.

You are a horse.

Just take it real easy.

That's good.

What's the matter with you?

I wanna call Hannah.

Who's Hannah?

It's his old lady, can you believe it?

Why don't you? Pick up a phone. Make an ass out of yourself.

"Hello, Hannah, I got laid tonight."

"Is that all right with you, honey?"

Cut it out, he's feeling low.

Listen to me, Phillip.

It gets easier.

You'll be calling me.

We'll see.

Anybody else? Anybody else wanna say something?

What would you like to say?

- Would you like to say something? - It's your dime.

Any comments?

I stopped going to confession years ago.

Yeah?

Still, it has a cleansing effect.

Hi. Guess who.

That's what I want to tell you.

I'm in San Francisco.

Right. The club meeting moved.

Hannah, listen to me.

I'm in a whorehouse.

No, not a warehouse, a whorehouse.

Six of us are here.

Right. Men are animals.

Me?

Mainly I watched. I watched Cavanaugh.

He screwed two women on the floor.

No, I'm not joking.

Right in front of everybody.

He's just that way.

No, I shouldn't laugh.

He's my best friend. But, you know, you're right.

No, just go back to sleep.

No, you don't have to call Sarah.

She's leaving him.

Yeah.

What'd she say?

I wanna hear every word.

She said

that the temperature is 55,

but is expected to be sunny and mild tomorrow,

but small craft warnings have been issued along the coast.

She said it again and again and again.

I feel so much better now.

You like me, don't you?

I'm sorry I fucked you.

You're not the first.

It should have gone the other way.

I should have really liked you, then fucked you.

I can hardly wait to tell that to the girls.

What do you like about me?

MY Nags?

I've been told they are fine.

I'm serious.

Sweet Solly.

Really, really sweet.

I'm crazy about you, too.

No, really, I am.

But let's not get too serious.

Don't touch me, don't touch me, just leave me alone.

Men come here for one reason, Solly.

They don't want a woman to love.

There's a guy who comes here,

doesn't want me to do anything

except watch him masturbate.

You guys never do anything else, anyway.

I'm not masturbating!

I'm in love with you.

You're embarrassing me.

If you don't know how to behave in a decent, civilized way, well then...

I wanna marry you!

I wanna marry you!

Is that so fucking uncivilized?

And what are we drinking, lover?

Leave it alone.

The minute I leave the room, you go and hurt yourself.

Let's put something on that.

It's my fault. I knew I shouldn't have left you alone.

I had a feeling about you.

It is your fault. All I wanted to do was talk.

Have you danced with her yet?

Hey, come on, Solly. Come on.

You know, you look like you need it more than I do.

Be nice to him.

Billy, get over here.

Jo, I didn't do anything. The guy's out of his mind.

Somebody deal with him right now, or I will.

What's going on, man?

What's wrong? What'd she do to you?

Come back here. Come here.

I'm sorry. I didn't mean...

What's the matter, man?

Her.

- Her? - No. Her.

She won't have dinner with me. It's against the rules.

Hey, you!

Come over here!

Do what he says. Don't worry.

What's all this shit about the rules?

There she is.

What have you got to say for yourself?

He thinks he's in love with me.

He wants me to break the rules and have dinner with him.

Is that true, Solly?

I wanna marry her.

Cavanaugh,

I don't want to be treated like a sex object. I'm a person.

You treated my friend like a sex object?

You gotta make it up to him.

Sally's a person.

You are both nuts!

Say you'll marry him.

I'll marry you.

I don't like you too much.

Say you'll go to dinner with him, too.

I'll have dinner with you, too.

She's afraid.

Jo will throw her out if she has dinner with me.

Let's hear it, Jo.

Let me not to the marriage of true minds be a problem.

I wanna help these kids.

- Harold. - Yes?

We are in need of your services.

Marry these two.

Well, I would really like to oblige, but, you know, I'm only a lawyer.

It's just not within my power.

Harold, come off it.

Anyone can see you're a witch doctor. This is well within your power.

Jo, you aren't going to go along with this, are you?

I mean, it's ridiculous.

I can't get married in this dress.

- Help her out, girls. - I'm thrilled.

I love weddings.

Jo, this is our first wedding, isn't it?

I'll get the flowers.

And I have the perfect dress. A real wedding dress.

I wear it for the weirdos.

Is this for real?

I mean, I know it's not, but is it?

Great.

Now, we can't have a wedding without a ring.

It was my great grandmother's ring.

I want it back, Alli.

Dearly, beloved. We are gathered here together

in this sacred house in the presence of these men and women

to join this man, Solly Berliner, and this woman...

What's your name?

I'm the bride.

Solly and the bride.

Show some respect for tradition.

Recite a poem or something.

Hey, Solly, think about what you're doing.

I mean, you hardly even know this woman.

I know her.

You never saw her before tonight.

I fucked her twice.

Was that what you were doing?

Well, you gotta do it more than that, man.

You gotta do it for years!

Solly's doing the right thing. She's a wonderful girl.

It won't last.

Nothing lasts, Cavanaugh.

We keep trying-

Bullshit!

How about that poem, Harold?

Do it, Harold.

"Hickory, dickory, dock The mouse ran up the clock"

"The clock struck one..."

The rest escaped with minor injuries.

Is that the only poem that you know?

- Get this show on the road! - Okay.

Do you, Solly, take this woman...

- Whore! - Woman!

- Whore! - Woman!

I said whore!

Cavanaugh,

you got a real problem, you know that?

You must be some kind of faggot. That's why Sarah needs another man!

Come on, Cavanaugh, break it up.

All right, come on.

All right, come on, I'm not afraid of you anymore.

Come on, let's settle this!

Come on!

This is my wedding, you son of a bitch. Her name is Allison!

Cavanaugh!

Hi, Jo.

How you been?

Very fine, and you?

I take it you got some objection to marriage ceremonies?

We already been there.

We all started at the altar.

I was just trying to explain that to the guys when you

interrupted our discussion.

I mean, if it's ceremonies they want,

maybe they should all go home,

where there's one going on every fucking minute!

Just one long, long, long, long, empty ceremony!

I need something more.

I need something real!

You protest too much, Cavanaugh.

As far as I can see, this ceremony is the realest thing you know.

You're no different from them.

You're a husband.

And the worst kind, too.

The kind who never stops thinking he's a lover.

Stand back, motherfucker.

You be the man you are,

or the next shot gets you where the sun never shines.

If anybody knows a reason why this man and woman should not be joined

in holy matrimony,

speak now, or forever hold your peace.

Let the ceremony continue, Mr. Canterbury.

Bride here, groom here, preacher here.

Now, I was going to recite another poem,

but none really comes to mind. Do you think anybody could oblige?

"You did not know, till now Whom to love, or how"

"But be glad, be happy For now you know"

"it's she of whom it has been sung"

"She makes the old man young"

"Keeps middle age away"

"Lets nothing in your heart decay"

"She is the reason why all the world"

"For love may die"

And now, Allison,

do you take this man, Solly, to be your lawful wedded husband?

All right.

No, come on. Say, "I do."

I do.

Good. I now pronounce you man and wife.

Solly?

You can kiss the bride.

Come on, Solly.

Do it the way you're supposed to.

- Who wants to catch? - I do!

Congratulations.

I need the keys to the pickup.

What for?

Our honeymoon.

You done good, Solly.

We're going on our honeymoon!

All right, somebody get some tin cans and some string.

Everybody, wait! Tomorrow's the weekend.

I've got a place in Tahoe. It's big enough for all of us.

We'll honeymoon with you. What do you say?

Great idea!

We're off! To Tahoe real fast.

Aren't you going?

I'm going home.