Original subtitles

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Fellas!

You’ll never guess what happened. Butters just beat up Scott Malkinson.

– Butters? Why? – It was crazy.

Scott was saying he needed to take his insulin shot,

and outta nowhere, Butters said he’s sick of people with diabetes.

Scott told Butters to shut up, and Butters started whaling on him.

You’re talking about Butters.

Butters beat the crap out Scott, then locked himself in the bathroom.

Leave me alone!

– Come out here. – Get outta here, all of you!

People can’t just go around beating up people who have diabetes.

– Whatever your problem is… – You think you know everything!

Every little thing, you gotta shoot your mouth off like you’re the expert!

You don’t know everything, because your best friend

thinks the entire planet revolves around him,

and he only cares about his image!

You think Cartman is the only selfish piece of crap at this school?

You’re all fake and stuck up,

and none of you have the courage to tell Jimmy that he’s not funny.

The only kid here with any sense of dignity is Kenny,

and the rest of you have your heads up your butts!

Apparently, Kenny is Butters’ best friend.

You guys gonna make out?

That’s another thing!

You always trivialize everything I say by getting the last word!

You’re not getting the last word this time!

Double wow!

I’m sorry, but your son is distracting the other students,

and his attitude is just getting worse.

What on earth has gotten into you?

I don’t know. I was just pissed off, I guess.

Do you think this behavior is fair to your teacher and classmates?

I don’t suppose it is, but I don’t give a darn!

Do you have any idea how grounded you are about to be?

Why don’t you shut up and stick it in your ear!

Are you thinking what I’m thinking?

Our little Butters is flowering. He has reached the age of panua.

Excuse me?

– This isn’t Butters’ fault. – It’s not?

It has to do with biology.

You’ve maybe noticed that Butters isn’t…

exactly like other kids.

You probably think Butters seems somehow different.

– All the time! – It’s because he is.

His mother and I, our whole family…

we’re not of this place.

I’m sorry, I really don’t understand.

Just understand that for our people, it’s a very private matter.

He can’t be helped by your discipline. It must be dealt with by his own kind.

If it’s all right with you, we’d like an extended leave for our boy.

It’s a cultural thing.

I don’t want him to go. He’s too young!

It’s our people’s way. You know that better than I do!

– Then we can go with him. – You know that’s not allowed!

Will somebody tell me what the friggitty fookshmere going on?

You’ve reached the age where you must journey to your birthplace

for the ceremony of hapa noa.

But I’m from here!

We moved here just before you started preschool.

You were born in our native land.

A distant and very secluded island world, called…

Hawai‘i.

We’re from Hawaii?

Only Haoles pronounce it “Hawaii”.

But those of us from Hawai‘i are a very special people.

We have many customs and traditions to keep our culture alive.

We drink chi-chis from the coconut.

We eat poke that the Safeway provides.

And when we’ve chosen a mate, we marry at the Fern Grotto,

as your mother and I did so very long ago.

As a Stotch, you are actually Hawaiian royalty.

Your grandma and grandpa were there in the time of the King.

What does it have to do with me acting like an emo chick on her period?

Not an emo chick on her period.

Like a salmon needing to swim back up river.

All Hawaiians feel it.

It is called hapa hua opae loa,

and it means it’s now your time to make your trip to our island home.

You must do your walkabout to your homeland.

And you must do it alone.

Take this.

It is our Mahalo rewards card. It will provide you with all you need.

And now, I must turn my back on you.

Holy shit balls!

– Guess what, you guys. – What?

Butters got on a bus with his bags packed

and said he’s going to Hawaii.

He has to go back to his homeland,

told me it was none of my business and to keep my fat mouth.

What the hell? Somebody’s gotta stop him!

After all the things he said, he can go ahead.

Kenny, you’re his best friend. Stop him.

I’m not his best friend.

Go rescue him so he can lick your balls some more.

– Butters, come on. – They won’t let me on the plane.

I can’t do anything right.

I have to go to Hawaii!

I have no idea what’s waiting for me, but I can’t go on like this!

Excuse me, he needs to get to Hawaii.

I told him I can’t allow anyone to fly who appears to be intoxicated.

I’m not intoxicated!

I’m just deligerent because of my hapa noa huy loa!

Please let him on the plane. It’s really important.

Tell you what, there’s plenty of points on his Mahalo rewards card.

If you fly with him, I can let him go.

Can’t you see I’m in horrible pain? Do you have any idea…

I’ll go.

We’re here. Now, what do I do?

Can I help you?

I’m not sure where I’m supposed to go.

Are you with a cruise ship or a land tour group?

I’m not a tourist. I’m a native Hawaiian.

Butters Stotch?

Welcome home, young keiki.

Your parents said you would be coming for your ceremony.

– Who’s this? – This is my friend, Kenny.

Native Hawaiians don’t really approve of Haoles coming to their ceremonies.

Without him, I couldn’t have come.

Very well, we shall speak with the chief of our island and see.

Come now.

You folks are native Hawaiians too?

My wife and I have been coming for five years,

and Bill and Donna own a timeshare in Poipu.

But Poipu is getting overrun with tourists, I’m afraid.

Let us eat.

Let us eat.

Five orders of saimin, please.

– What’s saimin? – It’s one of the foods of our people.

I get 20% off, I’m a native. Here’s my Mahalo rewards card.

Come on, you freaking tourists! Jesus, buy a postcard.

These are the ancient ruins of our ancestors.

They say the spirit of the King is still in there.

You must stay away from this place, it is kapu.

That means taboo. Especially the Haoles.

That there is Bubba’s Burgers.

In Hawai‘i, us natives say “Bubba’s bra”.

Here’s the Sheraton. Another mega hotel for the tourists.

Here’s where many of us natives live.

The Sheraton Residences.

It’s all right, we’re natives.

Protector and chief, I present to you the keiki Butters Stotch.

Stephen and Linda’s child.

Last time I saw you, you were the size of a coconut.

Who’s the Haole?

My dearest friends.

I am living amongst the natives in the remote and tiny island of Kaua‘i.

What can I tell you of this island and its people?

It is a place of wonder,

and yet, to the outsider like me, a place of odd tradition.

The people here are peaceful and joyous

and seem to care little for the rush and worry of the outside world.

Their diet is an odd mixture

of coconut milk, pineapple juice and vodka,

which they call the chi-chi.

As for Butters, he is quickly learning the ways of his ancestors,

and seems to be feeling better with every passing day.

He still seems quite angry at times,

but luckily, his ceremony will finally take place on the morrow.

“On the morrow”? What the fuck is wrong with Kenny?

To wit, I have found nothing wrong with this remote place,

and I must admit it will be with some melancholy

that I will leave this island and return home.

I saw this chick in a bikini on the beach, too.

She had the nicest boobs ever.

Humbly yours, Kenneth.

In the time-honored traditions of our ancestors,

we honor the native Hawaiian Butters Stotch with his hapa noa.

The shark’s tooth necklace represents your connection to our island.

Now drink the chi-chi.

It’s like gasoline.

Drink, young keiki,

and you will feel the last of your aggression melt away.

I do feel butter… better.

Oh spirits of ancestors,

we ask that you bless this native Hawaiian with his hapa noa!

– We ask that you… – Listen!

Listen, everyone. I have terrible, horrible news!

Do you realize that you are interrupting a hapa noa?

I’ve just come from the front office.

The Mahalo rewards card is…

What has happened? Speak!

The Mahalo rewards card is being eliminated.

They’re trying to say our points…

are no longer going to be accepted.

I knew one day it would come to this.

To what? What does this mean?

The Haoles are trying to do away with us.

With no rewards program,

they’ll be no distinction between who’s a native and who isn’t!

Why can’t your people respect our island?

Why do you always want more?

I’m sorry, keiki, your hapa noa will have to wait.

For we must unite together as never before!

It is time to show the Haoles that this is our island!

Stop ruining our island, Haoles! Fire!

What are they doing?

Take a swing. Let them know they’re not welcome.

I’ve never done this.

It’s all right, just try to tap into that anger that’s inside you.

My anger…

Stupid Ben Affleck!

Hold on!

I can’t!

I love you!

I love you!

This is Breaking News.

An insurrection in the Hawaiian islands has escalated to war.

After sinking a cruise ship, the natives of Kauai

continue to go berserk, forcing all tourists off their island.

They just pushed us onto airplanes and said we weren’t welcome anymore.

Then a little boy called me a skank.

The president says he will send the Coast Guard to take the island back,

though he sympathizes, being a native Hawaiian himself.

Are all the tourists gone from our island?

All but a few who are hiding out at Duke’s restaurant.

We’ve sent Bob and Trisha Turner to smoke them out.

– What about him? – What about me?

He’s a tourist and he knows everything. We have to kill him.

Kenny’s my friend!

He’s the only kid at school I actually like, you bunch a jerks!

Be careful, young keiki, your anger stills controls you,

because we were not able to finish your ceremony.

Perhaps we should finish it now.

Finish his ceremony? We are at war, David!

I have lived on this island for ten years!

Every July and part of August.

What we are about to face from the Haoles

is nothing short of genocide.

He’s right, David. We can’t trust any tourists.

– He won’t betray us, will you, Kenny? – I won’t fucking betray anybody!

Then let him prove himself. Trial by opaekaka.

He’s only a child.

If he wants to be one of us, he must face the challenge.

Very well.

This isn’t right.

He’s not a native. He’s gonna get killed!

Be careful!

Quiet, he must face this challenge alone.

By the gods, perhaps he does have the heart of a native after all.

He still has yet to make the turn.

That’s pretty good.

I told you a Haole couldn’t do it.

Did you make the turn your first try?

Did any of us?

Don’t worry, your friend will find his way back to his kind.

The gods will protect him.

We have called for this great meeting, because if we are to survive this war,

all the native Hawaiian tribes must join as one.

We are not joining the people of the Hyatt grand vacations.

They have no right to call themselves natives.

And you do?

Your ancestors came on an airplane six months ago!

Our ancestors sailed here.

On a cruise ship, nine months ago.

If we are to fight the Haoles, we have to allow all natives to stay.

It doesn’t matter how many tribes we have.

We are but few against the Haoles’ military might.

We may have passion, but passion does not win wars!

Come up here, keiki.

This child sunk a cruise ship by himself.

Tell them, keiki.

I don’t know about you,

but I’m sick and tired of being pushed around all the time!

I came for my hapa noa ceremony, and I can’t even have it,

’cause the fucking Haoles have to ruin everything!

Screw them!

If you ask me, the only good Haole’s a dead Haole!

With a stick up his butthole, and his wiener cut off!

Let us make a pact with more chi-chis!

We’re out of chi-chis.

Oh right, we’ve closed off all the ports.

But they’re still letting vodka through, right?

They can’t cut off our chi-chis.

Oh my God.

This is the US Coast Guard.

We have instructions to take you by force if necessary.

Ready! Fire!

Fire.

Launch the bocce balls!

Goddammit.

Keep fighting! Stand your ground!

– We can’t fight without chi-chis! – You can and you must!

Stupid! Greedy! Haoles!

Kill! Them! All!

Listen, everyone.

We gave it all we had.

It’s over.

We must go down to Nawiliwili Harbor

and surrender to the American government.

Surrender? To heck with that!

We can’t hold out here any longer.

I won’t do it, you hear me? I’m not licking anybody’s testies.

Young keiki, try to control your anger.

This is our home!

I’m sick of everyone who thinks they’re better

just ’cause they got good looks and even after massacring Daredevil,

they happen to come back and hit a home run that everyone loves!

You shouldn’t be able to be good looking and be with Jennifer Lopez

and be a good director!

All right, fine. Argo is a good movie.

There, I admitted it!

I told people it didn’t hold up, but it holds up!

Ben Affleck has everything.

Everyone! Look, I say!

The Haole did it!

My dear friends of the mainland.

What adventures I have found on the tiny island of Kaua‘i.

I have truly become one with the natives,

who found new courage to fight their oppressors.

We are not surrendering today!

Go back and tell your leaders that we will fight them until the end!

You people just don’t give up, do you?

The American government finally gave in to the natives,

and had the Mahalo rewards cards reinstated.

Our two cultures, it appears, will once again live in peace.

With the war at an end,

our Butters is able to have his hapa noa ceremony,

and with any help from the gods,

become his old cheery self again.

And so, it is with great honor that we recognize these two natives

with their hapa loa.

Take your cards, boys.

It’s finally over, young keiki. Is your anger at rest?

I guess so.

Except it still doesn’t change the fact that Ben Affleck is handsome, talented,

and then gets to go home and kiss Jennifer Lopez.

Ben Affleck isn’t with Jennifer Lopez anymore.

He’s married to Jennifer Garner.

Really?

But I thought I was totally jealous of him.

He’s just married to Jennifer Garner?

I feel so much better!

You do?

I like that Ben Affleck guy. He’s a good filmmaker.

Come on. I owe the kids at school an apology.

Did you see Argo? It’s a pretty good movie.

Ben Affleck has a lot going for him. Not everything, but a lot.