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Erectile dysfunction is a fact of life.

You want to show her you love her, but you’re old, and so is she.

The next time that moment comes, don’t let your sex drive fail you

because your wife looks like a shriveled prune.

Fake it with Cialis.

It won’t make her any hotter, but you won’t care for three hours.

And you can still have your own separated bathtub later on.

You feel like having some fun?

Did the Cialis commercial turn you on again?

How about I put on the uniform?

What do you think? You know you like it.

UPS, ma’am.

I have a package from Amazon for you.

I’m barely dressed.

If you’ll just sign right here.

You’re so rough with me, Mr. UPS man.

You like your package, ma’am?

Do it harder, UPS man!

What’s the matter?

You’ve been crying all morning. What’s going on?

Oh, my God.

Are you sure about this?

This is a big deal. You have to be absolutely 100%.

I saw them, Kyle!

You guys can’t tell anybody, not until I figure out what to do.

– What happened? – Take a look.

– What’s this? – Ike found out last night.

My mom’s having sex with the UPS man.

– Dude, no way. – Yeah, dude.

Are you sure they had sex, like sex sex,

like they actually had sex?

Yeah, dude, full on. Ike saw everything.

It totally makes sense now. She’s been ordering from Amazon.

Sometimes, she doesn’t remember what she’s ordered.

She’s probably been having sex with the UPS man for a long time.

– Are you gonna tell your dad? – I don’t know.

I should confront my mom first, but it’s so embarrassing.

Have you stopped to think that maybe the sex wasn’t consensual?

Isn’t it possible you mom was raped by the UPS man?

We don’t know this guy, and he shows up to all our houses.

What kind of sane, normal person would want sex with Kyle’s mom?

– Not now. – Hear me out!

Haven’t you seen those ATT commercials?

Women these days get raped by normal white guys in broad daylight.

It may be too late for Kyle’s mom, but I’m getting some goddamn security.

The thing is do we tell Gerald, or do we stay out of it?

How do we tell him?

“Sorry, but the UPS man is banging your wife.”

It’s none of my business.

If my wife was having sex with the UPS man, I’d want to know.

How do you know she’s not? Think about it.

This is a guy who visits all our houses during the day,

who clearly has a kind of insatiable lust…

Someone who’d have sex with Kyle’s mom would have sex with anything.

He can’t be trying that with all of our wives.

Wouldn’t be the first time.

There’s to be price to be paid of having things convenient.

Used to be…

a man had to go to the store to buy himself a pitcher of milk.

But men got lazy.

They wanted that milk delivered right to the door.

Only problem was the guy delivering that milk ended up fucking your wife.

Sure, you had your nice, cold milk delivered right to your doorstep,

but your wife was getting pounded out like a mallard duck.

And now, you got your Amazon,

and the milkman’s come back.

And none you are safe.

So you need the motion detectors in the living room and the kitchen,

the touch pads at the front and rear doors,

and break-in monitors on all windows.

Those are not secured at all.

Really?

I’m sorry, I don’t think I can afford this.

Do you want to get raped? Haven’t you seen the commercial?

You can get raped by a white guy these days!

Unfortunately, it’s not enough to be fearful of strangers these days.

What?

Many times, houses are burglarized by someone the victim knows.

I knew it. Kyle is always taking my stuff!

Yesterday, I couldn’t find my iPod headphones.

That sneaky little Jew.

We realize it’s a lot of money, but really,

how much is feeling secure in your own home worth?

There’s dangerous people out there trying to screw us both!

Don’t you need to go to work?

No, I think…

I’ll just hang out a little longer.

I’ll get it.

I’ve got a couple of packages from Amazon for you.

Yeah?

If I can get your signature right there.

Sure…

– Chad, is it? – Thad.

Nice.

You having a busy day?

Just trying to get to everyone.

I’ll bet.

– Have a good one. – Yeah, you too, Thad.

Sharon, these came for you.

– Stuff from Amazon? – What are they?

To be honest, I can’t remember.

You just ordered stuff from Amazon, and you can’t remember what?

The paring knives I ordered.

Sorry, I was a little tipsy.

This is the book Stan’s been wanting. Can you take it up to him?

Yeah, sure.

People order things from Amazon and forget what they got.

Stan, you’ve got stuff from Amazon.

Shit!

This is Jeff with Wolf Home Security. Is everything all right?

Sorry, I live here.

I can’t remember the alarm code.

Do you have your security pass phrase you can tell me?

My pass phrase is: “Kyle is a dirty no good Jew”.

Wait, “Kyle is no good lying Jew”.

I’ve got something different.

Is it: “My friend Kyle is a no good dirty…”

Hang on, I wrote it down.

– No problem. – Sorry about this.

It happens all the time.

OK, thanks. Wait…

What do you mean, “that’s all right”?

What if I was somebody trying to rape my mom?

Do you want to?

You’re so cool about the alarm and me not knowing the password.

How do you know I’m not making it up? I could have raped her twice by now.

You said you lived there.

I do, but you don’t know that.

I could be Kyle trying to take more of my shit!

How did you get rid of him?

How did you get rid of the milkman?

There’s no getting rid of him.

Not in any way you folks will be prepared for.

No, best to let him go on fucking your wives.

Maybe he’ll get tired of it.

It’s not just our wives anymore.

This morning, he came for me.

I opened the door. It was the UPS man.

He had a box from Amazon.

I looked inside and found an adapter for an iPhone,

and then I remembered I had ordered it.

I ordered it the day before, and I barely had any recollection.

The UPS man is using his powers to try to have sex with me now.

You said we wouldn’t be prepared to get rid of him.

How did you?

We used a pretty blonde to lure him in.

When she answered the door, she told him to follow her to the bathtub.

She took off her clothes,

and asked the milkman to fill the tub with milk.

The milkman said,

“Do you want that milk pasteurized?”

The blonde replied,

“No, just up to my boobs.

“I can splash it in my eyes.”

That’s when we jumped him.

It was over in minutes.

Then we burned his body.

You want to get rid of the milkman,

You’ve got to kill him good,

then you’ve got to go to the store for your stuff from then on.

You want me to do this, you’ve got to pay up front.

You’ll get your money when you’ve done what I asked.

When I lock the door,

give me a few seconds to arm the system,

then you break in and try to rape my mom, got it?

This is Michael, Wolf Home Security. Is everything all right?

A man just broke into our house, and he’s about to rape my mom.

Go, she’s upstairs.

Did you hear me? A rapist is here. He’s white.

Should we contact the police?

Yes, you fucking should contact them. My mom is about to get raped!

We’re contacting them now.

He’s going up, you better hurry.

Stay calm, the police is on their way.

Maybe they can bring some cigarettes, ’cause the guy will be pretty wiped out.

The fuck!

Hey there, Mr. Stotch. Looks like another Amazon package.

What I feel for you is just some kind of spell.

Sorry?

Just let me sign.

He’s coming to you.

Hello there, Mr. UPS man.

You should have left our wives alone.

Now, let’s go for a drive.

You can have whatever’s in the back. It’s all stuff from Amazon.

Pull in here.

Just let me go.

Then we’d miss out on all the fun.

You should have never come to our town.

A man’s wife is his life, Mr. UPS man.

Come on, honey.

Thought we wouldn’t find out?

Who’s there?

This is Varachnu with Wolf Home Security.

A man broke into the house with…

Varachnu?

I didn’t sign up to have an Indian guy. Are you even in the United States?

I am in United States.

That’s bullshit. Put your manager on.

Hold on.

This is Kevin with Wolf Home Security. Is everything all right?

It’s not.

Why is a guy from India calling me when my house is being broken into?

We have alarms going off across the country 14 times a minute.

That takes a lot of employees manning phones.

I’m not paying to have some guy on the other side of the Earth.

It doesn’t matter. We contact your neighborhood police.

I’m so relieved. There’s still one little problem.

How do you know I didn’t break in, set off the alarm,

and now, I’m stalling by being upset about the Indian guy,

and have actually stolen a lot of shit, raped my mom,

and you have done nothing about it?

That fucked my head.

I just fucked your head, and the UPS guy just fucked my mom!

Quiet down, people!

I know you’re all worried about your families security.

All I can tell you is that so far, Bane has not been caught.

What are we supposed to do?

If Bane is out there on the loose, none of us are safe.

One Bane’s bad enough, but apparently, we’ve got seven Banes.

What do we tell our kids? We can’t leave them in the dark.

Wouldn’t be the only ones in your family completely in the dark.

Nothing.

Listen, there’s nothing more we can do to protect your homes,

but there’s someone here who says he can.

We’re more than happy to get your homes safe and secure.

You’ll want monitors on all your doors and windows,

motion detectors in the living areas.

And I’d also recommend you get our newest personal security system,

to make sure your wives are safe outside the home.

Wait, what do you mean?

Protecting your home and family is hard enough,

but sometimes, alarms on your doors and windows aren’t enough.

A new security system allows not only to monitor your doors and windows,

but your fear levels as well.

A security system that is actually inside you.

It’s called Insecurity.

We’ll never forget the day we took our daughters to the beach.

What cute twins.

They’re so adorable that I’m gonna bash their heads in!

This is Peter with Insecurity. Is everything all right?

A white man tried to murder our twin girls.

A police car is in the way with blankets and cocoa.

I hope other people have Insecurity to protect their families.

– How does the shoe fit, pal? – I think it fits good.

Let’s see if it fits better than this knife through your skull!

This is David with Insecurity. Is everything all right?

A white shoe salesman tried to murder my son.

Hold tight, police are on their way with blankets and cocoa.

Don’t let your family become another statistic.

Have peace of mind

with Insecurity.

It just keeps getting worse.

I see stuff from Amazon every day. My poor dad has no idea.

– You’re gonna have to tell him. – I know.

Let’s see you try and take my iPod headphones now!

If you want to steal somebody’s stuff, you should look elsewhere.

Nobody wants any of your stuff, you fat bitch.

Fat bitch?

It just so happens that this fat bitch has Insecurity now.

I’m protected from all you greedy Jews until you and your people die out.

The Jewish population isn’t dying out, fat ass, it’s growing.

This is Marcus with Insecurity. Is everything all right?

I heard troubling news, and it set my Insecurity.

Could I get your password, please?

It’s uloveboobs.

– I love boobs? – No, uloveboobs.

Lowercase U, loveboobs.

– How did you know that? – My password is uloveboobs.

I get it. That’s pretty funny.

It’s fucking hilarious. Now, shut off my Insecurity, please.

Here you go.

Anyway…

Goddammit.

And then, I had to drive to Walgreens,

Barnes & Noble and Ace Hardware.

Going around having to buy stuff again sucks.

At least, we never have to deal with that UPS driver again.

He’s back.

I just came from Will Paterson’s house.

His mother got three packages from Amazon,

and the UPS guy told her what he’d like to do to her.

– How? – He dropped this on his way out.

Oh, my God!

Didn’t kill him, did you?

I didn’t think you had it in you.

We scared him. We thought it’d be enough.

Milkman don’t get scared.

Not with free pussy at every doorstep.

Son of a bitch! It’s him, all right.

This guy doesn’t know when to quit.

He’s stopping at another house.

This guy is a lot tougher than we thought.

Must be why our wives want him so bad.

Sorry, that’s me.

This is Alan with Insecurity. Is everything all right?

Sorry, false alarm. Pass phrase is “tickle me homo”.

It’s a joke.

Mom, Dad,

you’ve taught me that being honest is a basic Jewish tenet.

That’s right.

And that applies to all of us, doesn’t it?

Even though it’s convenient to have things done for you,

sometimes, it’s best to deal with it yourself.

I got a delivery for you.

Come in for a minute.

I need you to come sit down for a second.

Here we all are.

Mom, do you want to tell Dad something?

Mom?

– What’s going on? – You know damn well what’s going on.

This ends right now!

We are a family, and you need to go somewhere else!

Don’t you think I want to?

I hate this damn town.

Every day, things keep getting weirder around here,

and I’m just about sick of it.

Oh, my God!

This is Brian with Insecurity. Is everything all right?

They blew up my car!

Police are on their way with blankets and cocoa.

They’re after me again. Do something!

Hold on, I have another emergency coming in.

This is Brian with Insecurity. Is everything all right?

False alarm again.

I’m in the store, and some fat bitch asked me if my dad likes cologne.

– What the hell is going on out here? – Stay out of this.

Some men care about what their wives are doing.

You don’t even have a wife.

Somebody answer me.

You have to send help now!

We are sending help, just stay calm… Hang on, sir.

This is Martin with Insecurity.

I’m thinking maybe Gerald’s house is nicer than mine is.

This is Martin…

I’ve had it with you people!

I thought I was getting CSI guys protecting my ass,

but all you answering the phones are complete retards!

This is Mike with Insecurity. Is everything all right?

Come down here!

So you say this man killed himself because he was a psychopath

who was forced to have sex with his mother?

We found that in his pocket.

We found this in the closet upstairs.

– That’s mine. – Yours?

Give me that.

What we do in our bedroom is our business.

Wait a minute. Dad was the UPS man?

Sometimes, when people get older they need…

to play and pretend to keep things interesting.

It’s a way I can still be intimate with your mother

without relying on silly sexual enhancement drugs.

It’s over.

But you were wrong.

We don’t have to be afraid of Amazon.

The only price to be paid for convenience

is that we must be secure with ourselves.

Got yourselves some nice home security systems, don’t you?

Paying a man to do your job of protecting your house.

Only problem is while you’re out feeling like your things are safe,

that security man is fucking your wife.

Doors and windows should be armed. Your motion detectors are running.

Just call me whenever you need me back.

– Who are you? – It doesn’t matter who we are.

What matters is our plan.

You should have respected my authority.