All language subtitles for Gilmore Girls - 01x15 - Christopher returns.DVDRip.English.orig.Addic7ed.com

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Previously on Gilmore Girls...

I want to know
why you won't paint this place.

It's a pain. I'd have to close the place,
which I can't afford, or paint it at night...

which I don't want to do
because I hate painting.

How about this?

I'll help you. I love to paint.

I guess maybe, if I had help.

- He's so cute. What's his name?
- Case Study Number 12.

Show yourself.

Molt or chirp or something.

This is so not funny.

Luke, Stella got out.
Could you come over and help me?

I'll be right over.

Out of all the people
you could have called...

that would have come and dropped
what they were doing, you called Luke.

Do you have feelings for this man?

Maybe I do.

- Don't you meet your folks on Friday?
- Yes.

But I can get out early
for a special occasion.

- Friday it is.
- Good.

Dad!

On the way, I thought I'd stop by
and surprise the Gilmore Girls.

Are you surprised?

The teeniest feather could knock me out.

Where would somebody find
a place to stay here?

- You're staying?
- I'm thinking about it.

- Stay with us.
- Why not stay with us for a few days?

Thanks. You won't even know I'm there.

Hey, hop on.

Christopher.

- He looks good, don't you think?
- He looks good.

- I like his hair shorter.
- Shorter's nice.

- Do you think he'll stay long?
- Wouldn't bet on it.

Maybe we make him stay
a couple of weeks.

Absolutely, by weighting
him down with blankets.

I just want him to be comfortable.

He's gonna come and go
as he pleases, babe.

- I know.
- No amount of bedding will change that.

But he's never been
to Stars Hollow before.

I know.

Yeah, okay.

I still think something's different though.

That is the worst shower I've ever had.

Water pressure keeps changing
every two seconds.

I'm fixing it tomorrow.

You stay away from my shower.

We ordered Chinese food.
It should be here soon.

- Good, I'm starving.
- Here.

How is Diane?

Diane is ancient history.

When I met her at Easter,
you said she could be the one.

The one to be gone by Memorial Day.

- You're worse than Mom.
- Low blow.

- Can't keep a fella happy?
- I keep them very happy.

- Okay, don't get gross.
- You're upsetting us.

I'm gonna go study
before the food arrives.

- What? Tomorrow's Saturday.
- I know.

I like to get my weekend homework done
by Saturday night...

so then I can do extra-credit stuff
on Sunday.

Don't look at me.

She's a great kid.

I wish I could say
I saw more of myself in her...

other than we have similar left earlobes...

but she's all you.
Chip off the old perfect block.

Why the hell are you here?

- Behold the queen of the subtle transition.
- Why are you here?

You're gonna force me
to lawyer up, Officer.

Okay, look...

I've been making changes,
especially in my career...

and I've got all my ducks in a row.

You're opening a shooting gallery.

- I was tying up the loose ends of my life.
- Do they make that much string?

You've always had that quick mind.
It's annoying.

So you've been tying up loose ends.

I don't know what your dad told you...

but I'm on the verge
of a big success. It's for real.

I've got a company with actual cash flow.

I've got employees.
I've got an accountant, for God's sake.

He wears a tie and says words
like 'fiduciary' and 'ironically. '

- It's for real this time.
- I would love to believe it is.

Why does your dad
have more faith in me than you?

My father hit his head surfing Rincon
a couple of years ago.

- His judgment's a little off.
- So you have zero faith?

I've known you since I was six.

You're that guy
who crashed his new Porsche...

two hours after he got it
on his sixteenth birthday.

You were the girl
in the Pinky Tuscadero T-shirt next to me.

- Horrified.
- Think again.

- All right. Having a blast, then horrified.
- Listen to me.

I am. Your life is back on track,
that's great...

and I appreciate you coming here
for the very first time...

might I add, to tell us that.

- I didn't come here just to tell you that.
- No?

There's some things I need to do,
to take care of.

Like?

I haven't been enough a part of Rory's life.

So I wanna be around more,
to be another pal she can depend on.

I'm not crazy. I know there's already
a life going on here...

and God knows she doesn't need
anyone besides you.

But if you give me a chance...

I've always had the door
to Rory open for you.

- I know.
- You've hardly ever used it.

I wanna use it now.

- Is that okay?
- Of course it is.

Good.

I forgot to ask you. Tomorrow morning,
I'm going to a softball game.

- Do you wanna come?
- You play softball?

No.

- 'You play softball?' That's good.
- Okay.

- Whose game is it?
- It's my friend Dean's.

- Dean?
- Yeah, it starts at 9:00.

Sure, it's a date.

- She has a Dean?
- She has a Dean.

How did this happen?

A single-celled organism
crawled out of the primordial ooze...

and that pretty much led to Dean.

I need a beer.

Yes, dear?

There's a lot more
than an earlobe resemblance there.

Good. Thanks for the door thing.

Thanks for wanting it.

You got the next one, don't worry about it.

- So, which is your Dean?
- That's him over there.

Okay, we got two down.

- That's Luke.
- Luke's the diner guy?

Yes, we eat there practically every day.

Looks like we got out Number Three
coming to the plate, guys.

I'd send your boys a little farther
into the field, Luke.

Why? Will they have
a better view of you whiffing?

The only way I'm not hitting it
is if you don't get it over the plate.

The truth of the matter is that
you can't pitch and you can't hit.

So this'll be a terrific matchup.

- Knock it off, Kirk.
- A historic lack of action.

Don't you have anything better to do?

What can I say, I'm addicted to comedy.

Half an hour they've been playing,
and it's tied zero-zero.

If you take this show on the road,
I've got a name for you.

Zero and Zero.
Dean Zero and Luke Zero, get it?

- Doesn't even resemble clever.
- I'm dumbing it down for you, Alfalfa.

- How long do these games last?
- Till they get tired.

Then they say
the first team to get a run wins.

Yeah, it's really professional down there.

Luke, does your husband
play softball, too?

All right, that's it.

I'm getting a page. I've gotta go.

Dean, this is my dad. Dad, this is Dean.

- Nice to meet you.
- Same here.

So, do you live in the area?

No, I had some time,
so I rode my bike out from Berkeley.

Really? What do you got?

- A 2000 Indian.
- I got an '86 Suzuki.

- Nice.
- Yeah.

Dean, come on!

I gotta go. I'll see you later.
It was nice meeting you.

- So that was a Dean?
- That was a Dean.

Next run wins, all right?

Yeah, all right.

- Wow!
- Wow what?

Wow, I have never seen you two
enjoy a pleasant moment together.

Come on.

You have seen us
enjoy a pleasant moment.

- No, not ever.
- You're being absurd.

You have to admit,
they are few and far between.

Through no fault of mine.

I'm just saying it's refreshing.
It's not the usual'grr,'that's all.

Through no fault of yours?
I'm sorry, but you're the one that's so...

I don't know.

You do know,
or you wouldn't have started saying it.

- Just yourself, caustic.
- You mean obnoxious?

- Your words, not mine.
- Go to hell.

I'm just saying it is refreshing
to see the two of you just...

You, get in here and tell me
about the happenings at home.

I assume you mean,
'Did we get our toaster fixed?'

And no,
it's been cold Pop-Tarts for a week.

It's like a damn Dickens' novel.

I'm not talking about the toaster.
I'm talking about the man.

What's it like having him
around the house all the time?

It's a little weird.

We have fewer clean towels than usual.

Give me something.
Tell me how you feel. I'm dying here.

Honestly, I've been trying to figure out
how this makes me feel...

since he asked me
to take my shirt off the other day.

- Excuse me?
- No, it was a 'hello' kind of thing.

- Wow, he's smooth.
- Yeah.

I've not seen this man
since last Christmas, right?

We hear from him maybe once a week.

Then, all of a sudden,
he's here in my town...

and Rory's running around all excited.
He's sleeping on the couch.

I'm thinking,'Should I be mad?
Should I send him to a hotel?'

But then he smiles...

and it's Christopher.

No matter how many years go by
or how long I don't see him...

whenever I do, it's always Christopher.

- What do I do with this?
- Dunk. Go on.

This man knows all my secrets.

All of my bad-girl moments
happened with him.

My worst fashion choices,
my big-hair days...

wearing the Bonne Bell Lip Smackers
around my neck...

it was all with Christopher.

So, do you think you two will...

No.

- That's convincing.
- I don't know.

He wants to be more involved with Rory.

He wants to spend more time with her
and be a pal.

- It's about time.
- Yeah, that's good.

Yes.

- Lf it's true.
- And if it's not?

Then it's... Christopher.

This is the town flower shop.

Over there is a good pizza place.
That's the stationery store.

- And that's Al's Pancake World.
- Good pancakes?

- He doesn't serve pancakes.
- Okay.

He switched to international cuisine
a couple of years ago...

and dropped the pancakes.

He had already printed a million napkins
with the original name...

- so he just kept it.
- What kind of international cuisine?

He kind of hops around.
Last month, it was his salute to Paraguay.

- Anyone salute back?
- Not really.

Rory, honey.

- How are you, sweetie?
- Great.

- Miss Patty, this is my dad, Christopher.
- Your dad.

- Nice to meet you.
- You're Rory's father.

Well, well, well.

You know, Christopher,
we're all like Rory's parents around here...

and I'm one of her mothers.

And since you're her father...

that would make us... a couple.

Couple of what, I don't know!

- Okay, well, we gotta be going.
- Yes.

- Come back and see me.
- I will.

Bye.

You must be Rory's father.

- Yes, I am.
- Taylor Doose, grocer to Stars Hollow.

Very nice to meet you.

- News travels fast around here.
- Yes, it does.

Bookstore. Good. Come on.

Christopher, Jackson Melville.

Hello.

I gotta tell you,
did they get your description wrong.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Much more George Clooney than Brad Pitt.

Don't you think he's much more
George Clooney than Brad Pitt?

I'm going with
the Billy Crudup comparison myself.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I don't see it.
Maybe from the side. Do you mind?

What? No, not at all.

There's a little Crudup in there.

It's nice to meet you,
whoever you look like.

Nice to meet you, too.

I'm kidnapping you
and getting you out of here.

They all mean well.

I'm sure all lunatics
have the best intentions.

- I hear you like books.
- Why, yes, I do.

I would like you to pick something out
and let me buy it.

You don't have to buy me anything.

Come on, what's the book of your dreams
right now?

That would definitely be
The Compact Oxford English Dictionary...

Excuse me, one Compact
Oxford English Dictionary, please.

Dad, no. It costs a fortune.

You need something
to remember this visit by.

- Here you go.
- Holy mother!

This is the monolith from 2001.

It has every word ever recorded
in the English language...

plus origins and earliest usage.

Wouldn't you rather have a car?
They weigh about the same. Here.

This is so nice of you.

Yeah, I've got a lot of things
to make up for.

- No, you don't.
- Yes, I do.

I'm sorry, but your card's been rejected.

- Rejected? What are you talking about?
- I can run it through again if you like.

- Yes.
- No.

He doesn't need to run it through again.

Could you hold that for us?
I'll come back with another card.

- Sure, Chris. No problem.
- Thanks. Come on.

- Now you'll really remember me.
- I didn't want it that much anyway.

Listen, don't tell your mom
about this, okay?

- Okay.
- Thanks.

Yes, it is her real dad. He seems very nice.

Kind of a folkie, poppy,
urban, scruffy look to him.

Obviously there's
some money mixed in there...

because he's got that, you know,
money nose.

- Rory was at the game today.
- Yeah.

- She was with some guy.
- Dean.

No, I know that punk. Some older guy.

- That would've been her dad.
- Really? So that's...

The guy who impregnated me
with Rory, yes.

He did a good job.

- Impregnating me with Rory?
- This has taken a very weird turn.

Hi, where were you?

We saw Al's Paraguayan Pancake House.

We were stalked by townspeople,
and apparently, I look like Billy Crudup.

- You do not.
- Take it up with Jackson.

Hello?

Emily!

- It's your mother.
- Hi, Grandma.

Actually, I'm sitting here with your girls.

Sure. She wants to speak to you.

Hi, Mom.

Lorelai, Christopher is in town.

What? I didn't know.

Coincidentally, I'm sitting across
from an amazing Christopher hologram.

I just had this wonderful idea.

Christopher's parents are in town, too.

You remember Straub and Francine,
don't you?

Yes, the Schnickelfritzes.

- The who?
- The Haydens.

I called them up
and invited them to dinner.

They said that they are free
to join us all on Friday night.

- Join us all?
- Yes.

You, Rory, Christopher, your father.

- That's quite a gathering, Mom.
- I should say so.

We haven't been together
since you both were children.

Straub and Francine haven't seen Rory
since she was a baby.

- Yeah, I know, but...
- It'll be like a wonderful reunion.

All of us together again.
I never thought it would happen.

Yeah. Me either.

I've gotta see my parents.

Ladies and gentlemen,
the drama king and queen of Connecticut.

Hello, anybody home?

Oh, my God, you're here.

Christopher, look at you.

Emily, as always, perfect.

I am so glad to see you.
I didn't hear the doorbell.

We didn't ring the doorbell.

- You let yourselves in?
- It's okay. Look, not a rapist among us.

Hi, Grandma.

- You usually knock.
- Not since you gave us a key.

- That's for emergencies.
- Mom, I'm starving to death.

Is that enough of an emergency for you?

Richard's in the living room.
Come on in. He's dying to see you.

It's a setup, giving me that key. It's meant
to be used. It's my parents' house.

- Shut up.
- Sorry.

Here they are!

- Hi, Grandpa.
- Hello, Rory.

Lorelai. Christopher, old boy, how are you?

My gosh, it's good to see you.

- How are you, Richard?
- Better than most.

- Not as good as some.
- And annoyed with all.

You speak the truth, young man.

I have made martinis.

So, Christopher,
tell me about your business.

Richard, let the poor boy relax.

I simply want to find out how it's going.

It's going great.

I'm afraid to jinx it
by telling you how good it's going.

That is wonderful.
I always knew you had it in you.

You have a splash of greatness,
as my mother would say.

You always had that splash of greatness.

I'd like another splash of greatness
if you don't mind.

Richard, isn't Rory
the spitting image of Christopher?

I just hope you inherit
your father's business sense also, dear.

I know one thing for sure.

You certainly have
your father's musical talent.

- Wait just a minute.
- What?

Neither of these two
have any musical talent.

- I play guitar.
- The opening lick to Smoke On The Water.

And I've mastered the opening lick
to Jumpin' Jack Flash.

I'm a Chuck Berry man myself.

Something wrong?

I'd never have guessed that last sentence
would ever come out of your mouth.

- And why not?
- Chuck Berry?

Yes, Chuck Berry. He was all the rage
when I was in school.

- So we're talking pre My Ding-A-Ling?
- I believe I am.

Do you remember
when the two of you were ten...

and you put on that adorable show for us?

What show, Mom?

Lucy, Schroeder,
you laying on the coffee table.

You pretending it was a piano.
God, why is that remembered?

Because it was
such a wonderful production.

I don't know if it was a production.
It was just one song.

- Suppertime.
- Did you write that?

That was really very good.

Dad, that's from You're a Good Man,
Charlie Brown. It's a famous musical.

I thought Christopher
might have written it.

He's a very talented man.

That would be Straub and Francine.

Your turn.

Haven't seen your parents
in quite a number of years.

We were practically inseparable
for a while.

I remember that.

This is weird.

These are my other grandparents.
I don't even know them.

- What do I call them?
- Call them what I call them.

Sorry, my tie's too tight.

Just call them Straub and Francine.

Call them Mr. And Mrs. Hayden.

Sir and ma'am?
Just avoid calling them anything.

Look who's here.

- Hello, Mother, Pop.
- Christopher.

Christopher, hello.

Mr. And Mrs. Hayden, long time no see.

- Lorelai, you look well.
- I am, thanks.

You remember Rory.
You haven't seen her in a while.

No, we haven't.

She was just beginning to speak
in complete sentences.

So not for two years then.

She's been talking a long time.

I was making a humorous comment
sometimes referred to as a joke.

- I see you haven't changed, Lorelai.
- No, not at all.

- Rory, hello.
- Hi.

- Did you just curtsy?
- Shut up.

Sorry, milady.

- Straub, Francine, how about a martini?
- Please.

How is retirement treating you?

Yes, do tell us about the Bahamas.

You can get an entire island there
for the cost of a decent house here.

Really?

How about you?
Any thoughts of retirement on your mind?

Straub, if only you could talk him into it.
I've given up.

We're very pleased about Christopher's
business success out in California.

Yes, it's taken a while, but it seems
to be finally coming together.

- Seems to be.
- Christopher, your tie, please.

Straub and...

Mr. And Mrs...

Are you enjoying your time here...

you two?

That she got from you.

- How old are you, young lady?
- 16.

A dangerous age for girls.

Rory is a very special child.
Excellent student, very bright.

You should have a talk with her.
She could give you a run for your money.

- Is that so?
- That's right.

I think my money is safe.

- I hate President Bush.
- What?

- Oh, boy.
- He's stupid.

His face is too tiny for his head.
I just wanna toss him out.

- That is the leader of our country.
- Ignore her.

'His face is too tiny for his head,'
what kind of a thing is that to say?

I see your daughter's
just as out of control as ever.

Pop, please. Let's try to keep it civil.

What have you been doing
with your life, anyway...

besides hating successful businessmen?
I'm just curious.

Why don't we go to the dining room?

I run an inn near Stars Hollow.

- Really?
- Yes, really.

- Dad, come on.
- Nice to see you found your calling.

Dinner's ready.

- Christopher, your tie.
- Mom, please.

- Is your life all you hoped it would be?
- Yes, it is.

You might not want to take
quite such a haughty tone...

when you announce to the world
that you work in a hotel.

There's nothing wrong with where I work.

Please, I'm getting a headache.

Come on, Richard,
lead us into the dining room now.

If you'd attended university...

as your parents had planned,
and as we had in vain for Christopher...

you might have aspired
to more than a blue-collar position.

- Don't do this.
- I wouldn't give a damn about you...

derailing your own life
if you hadn't swept my son along.

Honey, go in the next room. Go, go.

I'm going to have to echo
Christopher's call for civility here.

A mutual mistake was made
many years ago by these two.

But they've come a long way since.

A mutual mistake?
This whole evening is ridiculous.

We're supposed to sit here
like one big family...

and pretend the damage
that was done is over?

I don't care about how good
a student you say that girl is.

Our son was bound for Princeton.

Every Hayden male attended Princeton,
including myself.

But it all stopped with Christopher.

It's a humiliation we've had to live with...

all because you seduced him
into ruining his life.

She had that baby and ended his future.

- You recant that.
- You're spilling my drink.

- You owe my daughter an apology.
- An apology? That is rich.

- How dare you?
- Richard, what are you doing?

- How dare you insult my daughter!
- Let go of me!

What is going on here?

- Shame on you for opening all this again.
- Get your purse, Francine.

My daughter's very successful
at what she does.

- We're leaving.
- You're not leaving, I'm kicking you out!

Come on.

And you brought up Bush because...

It seemed like a good idea at the time.

I feel 16.

Dad.

Can I get you something to eat?

- I'm not hungry.
- Okay.

Look, thank you.

Thank me? For what?

For what you did in there.

I'm just unbelievably touched
and grateful for what you said to him...

for defending me like that.

I know it was hard for you because...

But thank you.

Why do you think I did it?

- What?
- Why do you think I did it?

I don't know.
Out of protectiveness, I guess.

You don't need to be protected, Lorelai.

You've made it very clear
that you can look after yourself...

- and that you need nothing from anyone.
- That's not...

A member of my family
was being attacked.

The very Gilmore name
was being attacked.

I will not stand for that,
not under any circumstances.

Okay, it doesn't really matter
why you did it.

Yes, it does matter why I did it.
It matters greatly!

What are you going to take away
from this?

That everything that happened in the past
is suddenly fine because I defended you?

That the hell
you put your mother and me through...

for the past 16 years
is suddenly washed away?

- It's not!
- We've all been through hell.

I had to tell my friends, my colleagues...

that my only daughter,
the brightest in her class...

was pregnant and was leaving school.

That must have been devastating.

Then you run away and treat us as lepers.

Your mother couldn't get out of bed
for a month. Did you know that?

We did nothing to deserve that.
Nothing to earn that.

I get it, I'm horrible.

So why don't you disown me
and adopt Christopher? You love him.

Don't be a martyr, Lorelai.
And don't be naive.

Do you think I love the boy
who got my daughter pregnant?

I wanted to kill him.
I would have, too, with my bare hands.

But there was a proper procedure
to be followed in a situation like this.

Marriage.

Christopher was willing to follow
the procedure we laid out.

- You weren't.
- What about what I wanted?

Dad, didn't that matter to you at all?

Sometimes...

one has to sacrifice something
in order to do what is right.

I feel indescribably sad
for you right now, Dad.

Save your emotions.
I've had my fill of them tonight.

So we just end it here?

Nothing resolved?

I'm tired.

Okay.

There you are.
I was wondering where you went.

- Sorry.
- No, it's nothing to be sorry about.

- Can I get you something?
- I'm fine.

That's hardly dinner.

That was quite a bit of excitement tonight.

Oh, yeah.

- Not the good kind.
- Nope.

- None of this means anything, Rory.
- I know.

Straub is actually a good man, very smart.

He was one of the top lawyers in his field.

A very arcane aspect of international law.

And he's always been so active
in his community.

His charity work
has never diminished over the years.

Let's face it, he's a big ass.

I know you heard a lot of talk
on various disappointments this evening.

I know you've heard a lot of talk
about it in the past.

But I wanna make this very clear.
You, young lady...

your person and your existence have never
ever been, not even for a second...

included in that list.

- Do you understand me?
- Yeah, I do.

Good. Now eat up.

You look great.

Yeah, I look the way I feel, wise guy.

- That was a memorable evening.
- Yes, it was beautiful in there.

We should commemorate it
with an oil painting...

or a severed head or something.

Next time we get this group together,
we're gonna have to frisk for weapons.

- Hand out gags.
- Employ six individual cones of silence.

The old balcony's still the same, isn't it?

In all its beautiful away-from-them-ness.

Perfect hideout, totally private.

We spent a lot of time out here.

Sneaking Dad's telescope,
scanning the skies for alien ships.

Never found any.

Then when we were older, scanning
the neighbors' houses for naked people.

- Found a couple of those.
- Mrs. Dominski...

undulating in her big, fat underalls
is forever carved into my brain.

And in mine.
Here's to Mrs. Dominski's underalls.

Holding out on me.

Take it.

And in an effort to further chronicle
this balcony's history...

we are now in the immediate vicinity...

of the spot upon which
was Rory's initial emanation.

Yes, we are. Here's to Rory.

- The bright spot in all the darkness.
- And how.

Even if you hadn't gotten pregnant
and everything had gone as planned...

I still would've never made it
through Princeton.

I don't believe that.

That's why you're you and I'm not.

Wow.

- You wigged?
- Yeah, I'm a little wigged.

- Why?
- Are you kidding me?

This is the next-to-last thing
I thought would happen tonight.

The last thing being a saint
riding down on a chariot from Heaven...

to announce Armageddon.

Hartford's the place he chooses to make
his announcement? I don't think so.

Yes, it was unexpected, but it was great.

- God, I can't believe this.
- Fine. You know what? We should go.

Yeah, we should go, like, 30 minutes ago.

I'm sorry.

Don't apologize. It was the both of us.

God, my parents have got to seal
these windows up, I swear to God.

- So, where were you guys?
- Nowhere.

- Where's nowhere?
- Where we were.

- Good night, you.
- Good night, Dad.

- Good night, Lor.
- Good night, yeah...

You have a really good night.

You've got some dirt
or some schmutz on your...

- Where did you...
- It's been a long night.

There's just been a lot
of schmutzing going on.

Come on, we haven't really had
a chance to talk.

- About the schmutzing?
- No.

About all the warm and fuzzy
family moments that went on tonight.

- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.

All those crazy people saying horrible
things were directing them at me, not you.

They were directing them to you
because you had me.

No, they were directing them at me
because I screwed up...

their big Citizen Kane plans, that's all.

- They don't even wanna know me.
- That is not true.

They are just so full of anger
and stupid pride...

that stands in the way of them realizing
how much they wanna know you.

Yeah.

Their loss, and it's a pretty big one.

I'm going to bed now.

No regrets from me or your dad.

- Yeah?
- No regrets about you.

There's a misspelled-tattoo incident that
I'm sure he'd like to erase from his bio.

But you, that's a no-brainer.

Where does dad have a misspelled tattoo?

Another story for another time,
possibly before your first trip to Mazatlan.

- Good night, babe.
- Good night, Mom.

Oh, no.

- I feel horrible.
- Don't.

- I stood you up. I didn't even call.
- It's okay.

- I'm a rat. We had a date. I stood you up.
- It wasn't a date. It was just to paint.

- I'm a rat. I need cheese.
- Forget it.

- Let's reschedule.
- I didn't wanna do it in the first place.

Come on, don't change your mind.
We can do it tonight or right now.

- Was it an emergency?
- Yes.

You would not believe what happened.
I slipped, and I busted my...

It wasn't an emergency.

It was just me being a rat.

- Something came up?
- Yeah.

Something, someone.

- Am I right?
- I'm sorry.

Yeah, okay. Well, I'm late.

Where were you?

Fruitlessly trying to rectify
a ratty transgression.

- You want some coffee?
- No.

What?

I know you well enough to know
that when you say no to coffee...

- all is not right in Whoville.
- Very astute.

So, last night...

Last night was Chernobyl
and the Hindenburg combined.

- Right, just checking.
- My father almost hit someone.

He's probably only hit someone
in college wearing boxing gloves...

and one of those Fred Mertz,
Golden Gloves pullover sweaters.

- Fred Mertz?
- I Love Lucy, Fred Mertz.

Landlord to Ricky, husband to Ethel.
It's a weird reference.

- Hello, pajamas.
- Right, continue.

- My dad had a meltdown with your dad...
- He was asking for it.

...and then with me.
And then, you and me.

- Oh, boy.
- Don't say it like that.

- Stupid. Dumb.
- Much better.

And to top off the whole fabulous fiasco...

I stood up a friend
who was counting on me.

He just stood there looking hurt
with the paint and the chairs.

And it hurt me. It's not your fault.

But in this parade of stupid and dumb...

I am the one twirling the flaming baton.

- Lor?
- What?

I wanna marry you.

And the hits just keep on coming.

Just think about it
before you make a rash...

You are completely insane.
You have flipped your lid!

Charlie Manson is freaked out
by you right now!

- Come on, we're already a family.
- Who's a family?

Us. You, me, and Rory.

- You don't know what a family is.
- People living together.

No, it's a big commitment.
It's responsibility and hard work.

It's coming home at the same time
to the same place every day.

What do you want, financial statements?

I can be a family man.
I'm responsible now.

Honey, you can't even buy a book
without having your credit card declined.

I told Rory not to rat me out.
I can't believe she did that.

She didn't.

Andrew from the bookstore called,
and Jackson, and the UPS guy.

It was the lead story
on the Stars Hollow web page.

Then I asked Rory,
and she very reluctantly confirmed it.

- 'Rat me out. ' What are you, 16?
- I'm sorry.

What are you doing telling my daughter
to lie to me, anyway?

- She's my daughter, too.
- More like your playmate.

I don't deserve that. I'm as mature as you.

What? The Offspring is your favorite band.

So? You're into Metallica.

Metallica is way more substantial
than The Offspring.

It's the same Black Sabbath riff
all over again.

The Offspring have one chord progression.
They use it over and over.

They pop on new words
and call it a single.

I don't wanna talk about this anymore!

I'm the immature and irresponsible one.

I was willing to get married
when you got pregnant.

We were too young
and wouldn't have made it. You know that.

We're not too young now.

Okay, now I need some coffee.

What about last night?
What did our having sex mean to you?

It meant that Jose Cuervo
still has amazing magical powers.

You're funny.

We can't get married, Christopher.
We don't even know each other as adults.

Let's get married
and get to know each other as adults.

That's very Fiddler on the Roof of you.

Let's get to know each other.
What do you wanna know?

How's your business really doing?

I knew it.

I was gonna tell you
if it didn't pick up soon. I swear.

You just sat there last night,
just smiling and nodding...

while my dad and your dad
went on and on...

about Christopher and his
great big business success in California.

I didn't wanna upset anybody.

- I wanted last night to be nice.
- It was.

It would've been better
if I would've announced:

'On top of everything you're upset about,
I wanna add...

'I'm the world's biggest loser. '
Would that be festive?

- You're not a loser.
- Please.

You're a liar, but you're not a loser.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

We're arguing like an old married couple.
Doesn't that show potential?

Christopher, I swear to God...

I've been looking for the one.
That elusive soul mate. I really have.

I just believe it's you. It's always been you.

- Chris, come on.
- Rory might be my only child.

That's not true. If Tony Randall
can crank one out in his 70s...

you have decades left to spawn.

I don't know how much I miss Rory
until I see her like this.

It's easier staying away.

No, don't stay away.

Don't.

Rory needs her dad.

Or her pal, right?

I think she'd take a combo.

- Call us when you get home.
- I will.

- And call more.
- I will.

See you.

Dad wants to know if you'll reconsider.

She says, 'Nope, Offspring sucks
and Metallica rules. '

Fair enough.

Drive safe.

- He wanted you to marry him, didn't he?
- Spy.

You know, crazier things have happened.

Crazier than having
your mom and dad married?

- Yes.
- I don't think they have.

- Why is that so crazy?
- Because it is.

Because he wants things
he is not ready for.

- How do you know?
- I know him so well, you have no idea.

Maybe he can change. Maybe it's different.

He did come here this time.
He's never done that before.

- Stop.
- Why?

I don't want you
getting all worked up over this.

- He loves you.
- He does love me.

- Do you love him?
- Honey, come on.

Answer me.

- Honestly?
- Yes.

- I will probably always love him.
- Okay, so?

But that doesn't change the fact...

that he still has a long way to go
before he is ready to take us on full time.

I mean, you are a handful, missy.

While I'm pure joy and sunshine
every waking hour...

I still have my own set of needs
that must be met.

It just wasn't right, babe.
You have to trust me on that.

Talk, please.

I still think
there was a little something different.

- Maybe you're right.
- Really?

- It would be nice.
- Yeah, it would.

I'll tell you what,
let's not put all the blankets away just yet.

- Really?
- You never know.

What the...

- How'd you get in here?
- Your bread guy let me in.

I'm switching bread guys.

- What do you think?
- I think you shouldn't break and enter.

So what do you think?

I've got to admit it looks pretty good.

- I knew you'd like it.
- Thanks.

Anytime. It's fun.

So, where's the guy?

- He's gone.
- Too bad.

We'll be fine.

- Luke?
- Yeah?

- Can I make one more suggestion?
- Nope.

- Curtains.
- No.

- Manly curtains.
- Oxymoron.

- What did you call me?
- No curtains.

Come on!

You got to give a little.
How about a tablecloth?

No, we don't do tablecloths here.