Original subtitles

# I've never known a girl Like you before

# Now just like in a song From days of yore

# Here you come a-knockin' Knockin' on my door

# Well, I've never met A girl like you before... #

Fancy seeing you here.

What are the chances?

So this is me.

Take care, OK?

If I never see you again...

..it'll be too soon.

Bert, I only have one wish for you.

May you die in your sleep.

Hey, let me help you.

Oof! It's books.

One has to pass the time.

Too fast?

What? No. It's good to get a bit of speed up.

So, how are you? Life treating you good?

You know.

No, I don't. It's been ten years.

Where is it you're living?

In the hills.

Ooh. You didn't fancy going back to dear old Blighty?

Yeah, the fact I haven't lived there since I was 16,

and the driving rain, it was a real draw

What have the doctors said?

Months, not years.

I'm sorry. Don't be.

Gives me time to think about my epitaph.

Live, laugh, love.

Die, cry, hate.

What do you need, Bert?

A bed, a toilet and a window.

Anything else?

I need you to pull over.

Pull over!

You OK? Yeah, yeah. Regular occurrence.

I'll get you some water.

Ta.

I can almost see the sea.

I wanna go swimming.

Well, I've got a little pool at my place.

Got a pool? Are you allowed to go swimming?

I've got cancer, I'm not porous.

Bit nippy up here in the clouds, innit?

'Ey.

It's a lot of land. It's not mine.

So whose is the donkey?

The donkey's mine.

So are the chickens. The boars are wild.

Suppose it helps not to be the only "bore" around here.

She's still funny!

I suppose we can't all have your wit and repartee, can we?

It's a curse.

Shit, is that the pool?

I was hoping to get my lengths in.

Well, you can if you want.

Jeez. I can't die of Legionnaires' disease

when I've pencilled in the big C.

Can I ask?

Tumour on my liver, inoperable.

Pills make me nauseous and tired, but they help me live longer.

If I don't take 'em, I feel... weirdly normal,

but I could drop dead in weeks, not months.

So a Catch-22, if you will.

This isn't where I thought you'd be living.

Thought you'd be in a front line villa in Puente Romano.

Puente Romano?

I'm more Benahavis.

Yeah, yeah, of course. Up above it all.

Got you some bits.

What?

Well, that's a lovely lady bra.

It's all they had.

And I had to guess the size. Thanks.

I've made up your room,

and if there's anything you need, I can get it when you're...

What, in my death throes? You can say it.

Well, yeah, OK, that.

Look, if things get too spicy,

then I'll down a bottle of bourbon, neck some pills,

and you can bury me under your goats.

They've made me sign things.

I'm your carer and your guardian. You can't just go and top yourself.

I'll write a letter saying you knew nothing about it.

Jesus, Sam! Lighten up.

OK.

You gonna offer a girl a drink? Of Batch Five?

That is clean.

That is... That is better than prison hooch.

It's made from tomatoes. What?

Am I getting this right?

You're living on the side of a mountain, in a goat herder's hut,

making tomato moonshine

to make sure that life isn't too easy?

Yeah. I suppose I am, yeah. Why?

You're the best con woman I know.

You could be living the high life. That'd be crass, wouldn't it?

With you in prison.

We should have both gone down for that job.

'Well, it was my job, and I fucked it up.'

Come on, we're going out. Let's not dwell on the past.

Today, we drink to life!

OK, yeah. Let's go out. Whatever you want.

You wanna put some make-up on,

cos you don't wanna spook the horses with that face.

Hurry up, mate.

Salut.

To you. To us, surely?

This isn't about me. OK, to me.

God, no. It's herbal, I promise.

Guarana. Try it. No!

It just gives me a little pep in my step.

Don't want me falling asleep mid-conversation, do you?

Where did you even get it? The chemist in prison was a mate.

Have you done any jobs since I was away?

No. Would you consider a job if it came up?

No. Our old contacts, you told them that you're out?

No. Don't wanna bum anyone out with my bad news.

How's your emotions? You're very zen.

It's been ten years. People change.

So they say.

What's that meant to mean?

Just... once a con, always a con.

One of the oldest bullrings in the world.

Barbaric sport.

No, it's the opposite.

It's our attempt to sanitise barbarism.

To tame the beast, as it were.

Aw, it's shut. We'll have to come back tomorrow.

I wanna go in. It's on my bucket list.

No, it isn't.

How do you know? It's my bucket that's been kicked.

You wanna go in now cos you can't go in now.

Bet you a euro that you can't get in there.

I'm not doing that. I'm not doing "I bet you a euro." No way.

You've never failed a euro bet.

Well, today's the day.

That's a dummy. I can tell.

Whatever you're getting us into, I'm not doing it.

You've just got out of prison. Yeah, on compassionate discharge.

You don't worry about my discharge.

How's your discharge? I hope that's compassionate.

We'll get caught!

So then make sure we don't.

Look, you can come back here when I'm gone,

and you can remember the time that we argued

about not breaking into the bullring,

or you can remember the time that we got into the bullring undetected.

So which is it gonna be?

Fine.

Go.

It's not the usual sort of thing you bring out to drinks.

I take it everywhere with me.

Yeah, I know you do.

Right, well, keep a lookout, then.

Ooh, I'm in.

This is why they pretend it's alarmed.

It's not just a dust bowl for spearing cattle.

No, this was worn by the great Francisco Romero,

300 years ago.

He introduced the red cape to bull-fighting.

This little get-up is worth an arm and a leg.

Big bull-fighting expert now?

No, I was reading the plaque.

The killing of the bull...

It's not quick.

It's slow.

And the first banderilla goes in here, in the ribs,

and then three more spears are fired.

Disables the bull, tears at the muscle,

breaks him down while he's alive.

Fuck. You OK?

Just give me a minute.

I've gotta find the loo.

Hey.

Hey, you OK? You've been ages. Yeah.

Fine.

Man.

Oggy, oggy, oggy!

Oi, oi, oi!

Yodel-ay, yodel-ay, yodel-ay-hee-hoo!

Now what?

Why's there always gotta be a "what"?

All right.

What are you...?

Charge me.

I'm not charging you in your massive lady bra.

Yeah, go on!

Charge me. Piss off!

Ole!

What are you doing?

Why didn't you come and visit me in prison?

You told me not to.

I said, "Let the dust settle."

I meant a couple of months, not ten years.

I did...

..want to, but I'd left it too long.

And then...

I felt so bad that you'd been sent down and I hadn't. Yeah?

'Ey! F...

Come on. Charge me.

Come on.

Come on, play the game.

I don't play games, Bert.

Yes, you do. Go on.

Shit!

Hey!

Para!

Hey!

You're a dick. Don't ever do that again!

Sorry, I forgot that you were... No, it's fine. I get it.

When's the last time you did anything like that?

Not even a little break-and-enter? Just to get the blood pumping? No.

You need to remember who you are. I know who I am.

Yeah. You're no fun any more.

Erm...

Perdon.

Art?

Yeah, it's my new thing.

There's something I need to say.

I'm really sorry.

For what?

For not coming to see you.

And it's not OK.

I don't need your guilt, Sam.

We agreed that if one of us got charged,

we wouldn't take the other one down.

And I didn't. And that's all that's happened, yeah?

I'm sorry I wasn't there while you were going through this treatment.

It's fine. It isn't.

Just leave that.

Is there no-one you want me to contact for you?

No.

Not even Miss Take?

I know it went south, but she was like a mother to you.

No.

She didn't come and see me in prison.

I wrote to her over the years, but...

I always felt like you gave her too much credit.

She's all I had.

I'm just saying...

she could have behaved better.

Yeah. Well, we all could've behaved better, but here we are.

Is there anything I can do to make you more comfortable?

Is there any pain relief that you need?

Can we not talk about the cancer?

I just want to enjoy my time with you.

If that's what you want. Yeah. It's what I want.

OK.

God, leave it. It's...

It's nice to have the option to turn it off myself.

Yeah, of course.

Night.

Ladies and gentlemen, prepare to bingo for your lives.

Are you feeling lucky tonight?

Yeah!

You are lucky to be in front of this goddess.

Let's go.

'Heart of Glass' by Blondie

From Bert?

She's out.

She can't be.

Says she's been released early on compassionate grounds. Why?

She's dying.

Says she wants to meet you. Something she wants to do.

Or wants ME to do, more like.

Poor girl.

There is nothing poor about her.

Carmen. Let's not take any chances.

We'll keep her at a distance.

You OK?

Yeah, yeah.

How did you sleep? Like a log.

Can't believe you kept 'em. Just stuffed in a box.

They might smell. You can stick 'em in the wash.

Yeah, well, you'd smell if you were kept in a box for ten years.

Egg wine tonight?

I was thinking more for breakfast.

Can we go to Tajares today?

Just for old times' sake. Really?

Yeah. I just... I wanna go to some of our old haunts. Why?

Because I'm a sentimentalist. Humour me.

You're not.

But OK.

'Porque Te Vas' by Jeanette

# Hoy en mi ventana brilla el sol

# Y el corazon

# Se pone triste Contemplando la ciudad

# Porque te vas. #

My husband likes to order for me.

Is it old and tired, or is it just me?

I think you look gorgeous.

Everywhere looks exciting when you're young.

You remember that barman Xavi?

He was young and exciting, or at least you thought so.

He was a dick.

There's been no significant other while I've been away?

No-one of note.

Are you not gonna ask me? What it was like in prison?

How one gets on in the old sex department?

I'm sure you're gonna tell me.

Well, there was this one young woman called Leona

and a guard who was delightful.

Put it this way, I passed the time.

Been thinking a lot about the past, though. Yeah.

We should have stayed out of trouble.

We were never far from trouble, not working for Miss Take.

She had us running some right scams, didn't she?

I mean, we were fucking teenagers,

and she had us pickpocketing old men.

Yeah, and the rest.

Good training ground, though.

If we hadn't worked for her,

we'd not have gone on to bigger, better things.

We wouldn't have ended up... I wouldn't have ended up in prison?

Did it really just stop when I was locked up?

Yeah, of course.

Why "of course"? Because...

..I don't do crimes on my own.

Because you need me? I didn't say that.

Well, I need you.

I'm here, aren't I?

Yeah, you are.

I also need the loo.

Hello, Heather.

I ordered for you.

I thought you might want something to eat.

What? Nothing.

Something.

I wanna do one last job with you before I die.

Sam, I wanna go out with a bang.

No. Not happening!

Sam... Absolutely not.

Look, if you're so desperate to do one,

call one of your other mates.

Hey.

Abracadabra, baby.

Ooh!

I love you.

I'll get the gas. Want anything else?

No. I'm fine, thanks.

Drive!

What?

Shit, shit! I said, drive!

Shit.

My fucking God, what is wrong with you? What did you do?!

I just politely informed them

that we needed the money in the till more than they did.

With a fucking gun!

There's CCTV. They'll have the plates!

Wasn't working, I checked. I'm not stupid.

My God! A gun, Bert! A fucking gun!

Where did you even get it?

I smuggled it out of prison.

What the fuck!

I want no part in this.

I've kept my nose clean for ten years.

And then last night at the bullring, and now this.

You've only been out two minutes. Do not bring your shit to my door!

Shut up, you love it. I really don't.

Why don't you get yourself something nice, sweetcheeks?

You're such a twat.

Whoo!

God, I think it's hidden.

Why are you so stressed?

Cos you can't keep your dick in your pants.

Get rid of the gun!

"Get rid of the gun!"

Sam, but we're such a good team.

You were always so good under pressure.

Why would you do that? Well, because I can.

You can't go through life doing things cos you can.

It's a bit late for a lecture.

How much did you take?

Couple of hundred. Here, take it.

Where are you going?

To clean up your mess... on my own.

Just trying to inject a bit of fun into your drab little life.

'Quando M'en Vo' from La Boheme

Bilal... eat up.

You don't know what you'll be getting fed over there.

Don't fuss, Mum. I'll be all right.

I just want you to be careful.

I'm getting picked up at the airport, driven to a villa,

and all I have to do is paint, Mum.

That's it.

Little twat.

- Viros? - Ya estoy!

You can't come here, I told you.

I don't have anyone else who understands.

You're the only one that knows what went down.

Then you'll need to figure it out on your own,

or it will be dangerous for you.

How is she?...

Sam, we've discussed this.

You just need to hold your nerve, OK?

Do what you said you'd do for her and just be her friend.

Well, it's easier said than done when she's living under my roof.

She's pushing me. I feel like I'm gonna crack.

Viros, quien es?

I'm sorry, Sam. You can't contact me, OK? I have to go now.

Todo bien. Era un vendedor.

Aw, you kept my Jeep!

You lied to me. Why?

What is wrong with you? You're very paranoid today.

I know you didn't hold up the garage. No, I didn't.

So why did you pretend to?

Just to show you that you still love that feeling

and to see, if push came to shove, if you still had my back.

Isn't this enough?

Coming to get you, bringing you here,

promising to take care of you?

Yes, of course. For dying purposes.

Where did you get the money?

It's what I came out of prison with. I worked at the hairdresser's.

I could blow you off, if you like.

Sam! Is it not a little bit funny?

No, not at all.

I just wanna get you to a place

where you might be open to saying yes.

That immediately makes me wanna say no.

I'm just trying to remind you of who we are together.

What? You threw a tomato at me, that's what!

OK, so I don't just want to do a job. There is a job.

Of course there is. It's big.

Are you listening to me? I said no.

This is different. It's one and done. It is fuck-off money.

Oi!

What do you need the money for? You're dying.

Kick a girl when she's down!

What's in it for you?

Legacy.

I wanna make my mark before I shuffle off this mortal coil.

OK, it's not... just about legacy.

It's a... It's a bit...

OK, a lot about payback.

That's more like it. Payback to who?

My old cell-mate, Isabella. What did she do that was so bad?

She underestimated me, treated me like a little bitch.

It was her job.

But I got her contacts out of her, stupid fucker.

Just please, Sam, say yes.

Say yes to what, exactly?

Well, let's just say you'll be clearing seven figures.

Well, if it's so much money and you're double-crossing her,

what's to stop this Isabella from coming after you?

Well, another ten years in prison, for a start.

Look, I know I can do this job.

I just... I just need a partner.

Sam, I don't just need any partner. I need you.

Please. If this is the last thing you do for me, and...

it probably will be...

I need this.

Sam, please. Just do it for me.

And then, afterwards, I will go away.

I'll die quietly. I've found a hospice.

You don't even have to hear from me again. Jesus Christ!

You've been going through my stuff? Put that back.

If your daughter rocks up, which I know you want,

what are you gonna offer her?

Half a dozen eggs or to be set for life?

Can you imagine never having to worry about money again?

How amazing would that be? What a legacy for you to leave.

Do not bring her into this.

I fucking knew it.

The fucking matador costume.

The police'll be looking for it.

Fuck!

Everything you touch!

Just breathe.

One, two, three. One, two, three.

One, two, three. One, two...

Just... Look, just tell me something, anything. Just...

Just take my mind off it.

Bert wrote to me.

She's out. Bert?

God, not her.

Don't get involved with her, babe. She is not worth it.

Hey. Do you hear me?

Yeah.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's why you're all here.

Tonight, he's not at Caesars Palace, Las Vegas,

because he's here with you all.

It's The Great Diavolo.

And introducing his beautiful new assistant, Komet!

'Buffalo Stance' by Neneh Cherry

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce the high hat.

Go on...

Jesus. That's good!

Now the tambourine! Where did you come from?

Right now!

Whoo, DJ!

Well, some chickens have just got it.

And you got it, baby.

Hangin' off the kerb Lookin' all disturbed

As the boys from home They all came runnin'

They were makin' noise Manhandling toys

That's the girls on the block With the nasty curls

Wearing padded bras Suckin' beers through straws

Dropping down their drawers Where did you get yours?

Woohoo!

# sucker? Gigolo

# Gigolo sucker?

# Who's lookin' good today?

# Who's lookin' good in every way? ..in every way?

# No style rookie

# You better watch Don't mess with me

# No money man can win my love

# It's sweetness That I'm thinkin' of

# We always hang In a buffalo stance

# We do the dive Every time we dance

# I'll give you love, baby Not romance

# I'll make a move Nothing left to chance

# So don't you get fresh with me. #

Oye!

Jesus!

Fucking hell.

What's the job? Tell me. You gonna do it?

As long as I call the shots.

No, it's my gig, my knowledge, my contacts.

No deal, then.

Sorry, I'm not just gonna do what you tell me to do.

Why not? Because it doesn't work for me.

I need to be in charge. One job - that's it.

And I'm gonna orchestrate it so that if anything goes wrong -

and I mean anything -

it'll look like you did it, not me.

Come on, now. How's that a good deal for me?

Because you know you can trust me.

Is that so?

Your feet need to be to the fire, and I need to keep them there.

What happened?

You happened.

So go on, then. What's the job?

Art theft.

What are we gonna do? Steal the Mona Lisa?!

Don't be ridiculous.

We are gonna steal The Face Of The Great Masturbator

by Salvador Dali.

So it's ten million euros for us,

and all we have to do is break into the largest gallery in Spain.

Correct, but first we have to gather the team.

We need the talent...

a little bit of magic...

..and a touch of panache.

Who is this buyer? She's a feminist art collector.

Ten million's a lot of money. Stealing a painting's a lot of work.

Can you sort my wimple?

I thought you'd never ask!

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