Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language and adult humour

Well, well, well.

Ooh! Oh, no, no!

Yes! SHE SCREAMS

SHE HISSES

Erm...

Quite windy today. Yeah.

Whoo! Wrong way.

That's how you do it, baby. OK.

Oh, my God!

THEY EXCLAIM

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello! I'm Greg Davies, welcome to Taskmaster.

Tell Nan to stop shuffling around the kitchen - we're starting.

That's it, in you come, Nan, sit down. Get her a cushion.

Get Nan a cushion. Sit Nan up.

Nan?

Na-a-an!

Oh, it's OK - she's asleep.

So let's just get stuck in to some comedians.

Please welcome Joanne McNally... APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

..John Robins... APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

..Nick Mohammed... APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

..Sophie Willan... APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

..and Steve Pemberton! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And next to me, a man who recently confided in me when drunk

that he thinks the Pride movement

has got "a bit out of hand".

IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE: It's Little Alex Horne!

Now, I, I... Yeah, I don't remember that.

So I've got you, uh, I've got you a coffee. Just got you a coffee.

Ah, what...? Then we'll crack on with the show. OK.

I know how you like your coffee.

I like my coffee black... I know you do.

..with milk on the side.

It's here, it's a black coffee with milk on the side.

It's got milk on the side!

It's got milk...!

ALEX CLEARS THROAT Ready.

It's prize task time. What's the category, please, Alex?

Yes, well, unfortunately it's

"the thing of yours Greg would most like

"to squeeze in his mighty hands."

Yes, that's where we're at, and I'm fine with it.

Greg will give five points to the thing he'd like

to squeeze most in his mighty hands,

and all five squeezable things will go home with

the winner at the end of the show.

It's easy squeezy. THEY LAUGH

Nick. Yes. What have you brought in that I might like

to squeeze in my mighty hand?

This is a ticket, this is Nick's thigh token,

and this is basically one thigh squeeze per month and,

I'm going to let you... Genuinely going to let you squeeze it,

and the reason why is because there is

an element of surprise.

There is. Go for it.

Oh, fuck.

There you go. That's it. That's that.

What a mighty tree trunk you're hiding. Yeah.

It's really hard, isn't it?

What's THAT all about?

I just walk everywhere fast.

I was not expecting that. I mean, that feels...

I feel alive.

I feel alive. Can you describe - was there any give to them at all?

Let's have a go on yours.

Ew.

I'm just wondering how's this going to work.

Will you go to them or do they have to come to you?

That's a good question, actually.

We'll just sort of meet somewhere central.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

OK, good start. Unusual.

Hi, Steve. Hi.

Uh, I have brought you a device, Greg, that will allow you

to squeeze a filling of your choice

into an unpeeled banana.

He's not lying.

It's similar in...in the way

that they inseminate pigs. Um...

You've... God, this is turning out to be a sexy episode, isn't it?

We actually have a video of it in action,

if you'd like to see the video.

Oh, on a banana, yeah? On a banana.

We've used chocolate sauce.

You could...

I actually have a banana down here

that I would like to show you and demonstrate.

Oh, for God's sake, Steve.

This is an unpeeled banana, yeah? Yeah.

And, uh, so you've sent your kids to school.

And they've said, "Ooh, what's the surprise today in my banana?"

And they break it open

and inside you get lovely chocolate.

That's good! Ooh!

Sorry St...Steve, have you got shares in this company?

No.

I'll read you out just one of the many positive reviews.

"Inexpensive enough to enjoy the memories made."

Thanks, Steve. Joanne.

I'm just going to show the picture.

It's something I think you'd like to squeeze.

It's my nose. So, I have

no cartilage in my nose. What do you mean?

Well, so it goes all the way flat down. Wow...

So I used to flatten it out, that was my party trick.

I'd flatten it down and then I'd, like, buff it back up after

to remould it. Do you wanna try? Can I? Yeah.

You're gonna squeeze it in your mighty hand.

No, you have to... It's more like a push-down.

Just give me your finger. I'll guide you.

I do sort of...

Keep the hair out of the face.

Do...do you want me to hold your hair back?

Yeah, that'd be great, thanks.

I told you, he's a gentleman! Here we go.

AUDIENCE GROANS

I don't like it, I don't like it!

I don't like it.

I answered the brief.

No, the brief asked for something

I'd LIKE to squeeze in my mighty hands.

I feel like I've been forced.

It's kind of cool, isn't it? I wonder why you haven't got that?

And I'm adopted so when I was younger...

You went round pressing people's noses.

I was like, "Are YOU my mum? Are YOU my mum?

"Are YOU my mum? Are YOU my mum?"

John.

Well, Greg, I have brought for you to squeeze in your mighty hands

my farthing collection.

SOPHIE: Wow!

When I was at school, I didn't have a huge amount of friends.

Girls weren't particularly interested,

so I thought I'll set myself apart through collecting coins.

I presume they're discoloured

with your tears of loneliness.

Hmm... Do you want to squeeze them in your mighty hands?

Of course not, I want to...

I want to hold John and tell him it's going to be all right.

All right, who's left? Uh, Sophie.

Yes, I'd gone down the body parts theme as well.

I tried to get my left breast for you

to squeeze, cos it's my better one.

Is it detachable? Well, I was going to have it moulded.

I mean, it'll send me over the edge, Sophie.

I've already squeezed a thigh and someone's brain.

Yeah, and nipples are not allowed on Channel 4.

And I thought, "What would be lovely to squeeze,

"and what have I got in the dressing room?" Right.

I thought, "If I've not got a tit, what have I got?"

You know what I mean?

So this is what's left.

A bottle of paint.

You don't mind if I just write down "one point" while you're...?

Is there any part of you wants to squeeze that paint

in your mighty hands? Yeah. Yeah!

There is part of me that wants to give it a squeeze, yeah.

And it's not necessarily one point, by the way,

because we have - let's not forget - John's farthing collection.

Give them both one point.

Or both two points. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I'll give them both two points. Oh.

I'd quite like to squeeze both, in a way.

I feel sorry for John. Yeah, they're charity points.

Two to John, two to Sophie.

I don't think I particularly want to pump bananas full of stuff, Steve.

I'll give you three points. OK.

I think it's Nick Mohammed's thigh I want to squeeze the most.

Oh!

Yeah, I'm gonna say it's four points and five points.

Fair enough. Five to Nick Mohammed. Well done, Nick!

Well done, Jo.

OK.

Let's get tasking, Alex.

Oh, flip off, Greg...in a good way.

Is it warm, your jacket? Do you know, it's not?

How's the coat? Very comfy, yeah.

It's both warm and fabulous, so what more do you need?

Just, just like me. Mm.

A flip-flop, a flapjack and a...

..flan.

Flip-flop, flan, flapjack. Yeah.

Flip, flan, jack.

That's not the... OK, will I just open it? Yes, please.

Flick, flip and flap a flip-flop, flan and flapjack.

You may only flick, flip and flap once.

Furthest flicked, flipped and flapped

flip-flop, flan and flapjack finishes first.

You have 15 minutes.

Ah, no. Right.

It doesn't say 15 minutes.

You have flifteen minutes.

You have flifteen minutes, your time starts now.

You have 15 minutes. Not quite.

You have 15 minutes.

No.

So I've got one flick, one flip and one flap.

Yes.

The furthest flap, but what's the furthest flap?

I dunno.

You have 15 minutes?

No. Which bit? The whole thing?

The 15 bit.

You have flifteen minutes. Your time starts now.

Oh, flifteen!

Yes, I put an L in it.

God, you're right, you're a monkey actually, aren't you?

Yeah, there's always a trick, in't there?

APPLAUSE

You like a little tongue twister, don't you?

Uh, that's my favourite ever thing.

You got all excited. Yeah, I really did. I bet this whole task

was created just so you could say lots of "fl"s.

I'm gonna say more in a minute. Naughty fl.

OK, well, Joanne and John are the flirst to flip, flap and flick.

You're gonna be flapping from here?

Yeah.

How far should I go?

Further than that.

Don't patronise me.

I'd say go home. I'm gonna stay here.

Greg's gonna flick the flip-flop. Is he?

So if I just...

Yes, mate!

So this is the flip-flop.

OK.

You ready? Ready.

LAUGHTER, JOANNE SCREECHES

False start.

I'm happy with that.

OK.

That's been flapped, has it?

Disappointed with that flap. Hit it really hard at the net.

I curved to the left. You did, a bit.

I'm gonna flip.

I'm absolutely thrilled. I've never used a cable tie before.

Ready, steady...

HE GRUNTS

It's gone quite far, Alex.

So you're flicking that, you're definitely

gonna be flicking it, are you? Flicking it, yeah.

Come on, you bastard.

Just go gaffer, go gaffer crazy.

Tighter, tighter.

Onto the skin? Yeah, yeah, yeah, onto the skin.

I'm very happy.

Flop a flan is like turn a flan over, basically.

John, you've got one and a half minutes left.

OK, I'm just thinking, if I flap like that...

..then that gets a bit of balance in the old...

Right.

Oh!

Oh, that's not bad. WHISTLE BLOWS

Bye, John. Bye-bye!

OK, you ready? Oh, yeah.

At least I hit something.

You flopped him right in the face.

I wish there were more sportspeople who,

as they do whatever sport they're playing, shouted,

"Come on, you bastard."

Yeah.

I thought John was very creative.

I very much enjoyed you turning yourself into a giant,

uh, human albatross.

Do you know what? Watching it back,

I remember the feeling of freedom.

You asked him to gaffer tape your wings on and Alex said,

"Do you want me to put it on the skin?"

And he was so genuinely excited. Yes.

Show them the face. I couldn't believe my luck.

LAUGHTER

Little things, little things keep me going.

OK, advert time.

Alex, why don't you sign off this part for a change?

ECHO-Y: Thanks, Greg.

Oh, oh, dear.

Did Daddy pay the sound man to make Alex echo again?

Ah, see you in part two-o-o!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello, hello, everyone, welcome back to Taskmaster,

where we were in the thick of a flipping,

flicking and flapping task.

Oh, yes. The incredible hunk is right.

Up next, it's flipping Sophie Willan and flapping Steve Pemberton.

Have you seen Cirque du Soleil?

They did a very similar thing to this.

I've always wanted to, actually. Slam time.

I was wondering when it would be.

I'm gonna go quick, OK?

Run out. OK, is everyone ready?

We've alerted the... Heathrow about the flight path? OK.

Your time starts now.

Ooh, right, OK. Well, I'm gonna,

I'm gonna flick a flip-flop.

Just checking that's your attempt, is it, on the flip-flop?

That was... Yeah, I flicked it. Yeah, cos it's furthest wins.

It didn't go very far. Oh, it's furthest wins,

I missed that, I forgot about that bit.

Yeah, well, you've done that one. Oh, God, no. Is that it now?

Yeah, that went a centimetre.

Right, OK, so that wasn't my best work.

One, two, three.

I am gonna measure the height rather than the distance.

I think you should.

I'm gonna flip this because I think it'd be very fun.

Is it all right to flip a flan? Of course it is, yeah.

I felt like I just had to.

I feel quite rebellious.

Flapjack to flick.

And am I allowed to use a pen to flick with?

Please be careful. Oh, thank you.

Quite sharp.

OK, this is a one-off.

Happy with that. Wow, flapjack flag.

OK.

And, right, with the flapjack, I can only do one last thing now.

Just to say you have got fl-ourteen minutes left.

Oh, I've got fl-ourteen minutes.

I've got ages. Yeah.

I've not thought this through.

Um, how many of my flifteen minutes have I got left?

Six.

Six. When I get to flive, let me know. OK.

I'm gonna flap the flip-flop.

What's a flap?

If we're gonna be flapping, I think we need...

..we need an owl.

If you will imagine that this blue blanket is the owl's wing

and that is where the flap comes in, OK? I'd love to.

I think I'm gonna flap. I'd say a flap is like a, I'm...

Oh, that, yeah.

That was better.

That cleared the stage.

When you startle the owl...

Yeah.

..the flap will happen.

There's a mouse!

STEVE HOOTS

How was that?

Well, you've made the flip-flop disappear.

It's gone!

You've finished the task. Right, not well, though.

But it was done. Thank you.

That was fun.

What can I say? I'm happy with that. WHISTLE BLOWS

That's your time up. Thank you, Steve. Thank you.

Can I just say? Jumping on that,

uh, pivot and sending that flan into the sky, it made me so happy.

Well, as you walked off at the end, with your owl tucked under your arm,

you looked like the happiest boy in the schoolyard.

I was! I don't care whatever else happens,

this was my moment.

LAUGHTER

So, Sophie, do you feel any sense of shame?

I definitely didn't grasp the task well.

You know, it was fine because I was done in two minutes.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I didn't know that it was supposed to be entertaining.

I think that's...what...I missed.

Well done, Steve.

Who's next, please?

Everyone's had a go, apart from Nick.

Oh, he's such an intelligent,

talented man. I just can't wait to see him having a go.

You may only flip, flick and flap once.

Ah.

Why are you going over there?

Cos it's the furthest. OK.

Oh, he... LAUGHTER

Flipped.

Have you finished? Yeah.

I could only do...do it once.

Yeah, I think I've nailed it.

Thanks, Nick. Uh, thank you. Lovely stuff.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Well, I presume some of the cheering and applause there is sarcastic.

And carrying the table across the garden?

In a wonderfully ceremonial way.

Yeah. Oh, it was borderline religious.

Thank you. Uh, yeah, well,

just trying to get as far away from Alex as possible, really.

Yeah, he thought furthest from Alex. Um...

Furthest from Alex. Was that what it said?

No. No, no, no.

Sophie, you must be fucking punching the air. I feel fantastic now, yeah.

Were you watching the other four thinking, "What are you doing?!"

Genuinely, cos you saved me till the end I was like,

"I've nailed this." LAUGHTER

I whispered to him... Yeah, you did, you did.

"Have you done something extraordinary?"

And I was like, "Oh, yeah."

So what did Nick do?

He did flick some objects off a table.

Sure. I've just measured it

from where the flick started to where it ended.

So I've just gone from the top of the table to the floor.

Height of the table is a metre.

We're measuring everything in pigeons -

but just the width of pigeons all stood next

to each other - so it'd be about, uh, ten pigeons.

And Sophie was 56.9 pigeons

so that shows how badly you did, Nick.

Now, let's get on to the serious athletes.

Joanne, 197 pigeons,

Steve, 208 pigeons, so, yes, he is in second place.

But the mighty John flapped,

flicked and flipped 408 pigeons in a row. Wow.

A huge total of standing pigeons! So many pigeons.

40.8 metres. So five to John, four to Steve,

three to Joanne, two Sophie and one to Nick.

Marvellous. Can we have a scoreboard?

It's a three-way at the top.

We have... LAUGHTER

..seven points for Joanne,

John and Steve.

APPLAUSE

Lovely, what's next, then? I'd love to tell you,

but it's a secret. GREG GASPS

And it's a secret which I'm going to tell you right now.

Hi, Steve. Hi.

Do you mind opening that and reading it?

WHISPERS: Please could you take this and read it?

Now?

Yes, quietly.

I'm so sorry.

WHISPERS: You've got something secret.

Well, I've gotta give you that.

Got a little bonus thing for you.

Oh. But it's very secretive.

Ooh!

WHISPERS: In the next task, you must say the word umbrella five times.

WHISPERS: In the next task, you must say the word umbrella five times.

If you say the word umbrella five times

and no-one else says the word umbrella,

you get two bonus points.

Your team-mates must hear you say umbrella -

your umbrellas - and you must not mention the concept of a bonus task.

The next task you must lie on... Sh!

The other people, it's secret from them.

Right. In the next task you must lie on the floor for 30 seconds.

If you lie on the floor for 30 seconds

without anyone questioning why you're lying on the floor,

you get two bonus points.

In the next task, you must get something from the caravan,

the shed, the hutch and the toilet before the task is finished.

If you get something from all those places without anyone questioning

why you're getting something from all those places,

you get two bonus points.

OK, this is getting pretty serious.

ALL: If you fail, you lose two points.

Thank you, bye-bye. Bye, Alex.

APPLAUSE

I don't mean to be rude,

but I can't think of anyone less suited to a secret task...

Joanne literally talks at the same volume you would... I know!

..use to warn ships away from rocks.

LAUGHTER

OK, so we know their secret tasks,

but what's the team task to test them?

It's time to find out.

Hello, John. Hello, Alex.

Hello, Steve. Hello.

Hello, Joanne. Hello, Alex.

Hello, Nick. Hello, Alex.

Hello, Sophie. Hello.

Hello, team. Hello.

Hello, team. Hello.

Whoo. Ooh.

OK. I'll take the lead here.

Uh, put the watermelon on this table.

Put the watermelon on this table.

The table may not be moved.

Once you leave this room, you may not re-enter this room.

Also you may not step on the stage

and the watermelon may not touch the...

..touch the stage, floor or ground.

Finally, you must speak into your hand-held microphones at all times.

Fastest wins.

Your time started when you said hello for a fourth time.

You did say hello a lot at the beginning.

Oh, God. Did we?

Yeah, I said, "Hello, Steve. Hello, Nick. Hello, team."

And then, each time you both said hello.

Oh. So put the watermelon on this table. The table may not be moved.

Into the microphones, please.

They don't work.

ALL: Oh.

APPLAUSE

That's it. Mm-hm.

There's some sneaky stuff afoot.

OK, well, here are the team of three with Joanne,

John and good old subtle Sophie.

LAUGHTER

There's a watermelon on the stage.

So who wants to stay in the room to receive the watermelon?

I'm happy to stay in the room to receive. Are you happy to receive?

A watermelon. Are you...? Let's keep...

You seem to know what you're doing. ..keep you in for now and I'll go

and check there's a watermelon out there. That's fine.

All right. Umbrella, yeah, great.

OK, right, I see what's going on.

There is a watermelon on the stage. Oh, God, right. OK.

I got these from the hutch

just in case you wanna lay them on the floor.

Right, OK, we could do that.

We need to think of something to use to get

the watermelon off the stage.

Umbrella. Can you check what does it say? Yeah.

Put the watermelon on this table.

Right, umbrella. Once you leave this room,

you may not re-enter this room. So... We can touch the watermelon.

Yeah, but we can't walk on the stage.

Right, OK. What's going on here?

You're here, you're ready to receive.

Right, I'm... I feel like an umbrella.

I've got this from the caravan.

Oh, good idea. Step on the stage.

You may not step on the stage,

the watermelon may not touch

the stage, floor or ground.

Oh, yeah, grand. So I think,

but...we need something else to pat,

to stop it hitting the stage. One sec.

John, what if I lie down

and then you roll it on to me.

Right, I've got this from the shed

and that from the toilet.

Umbrella?

You may not step on the stage.

The water... You may not step on the stage.

Well, if we step on that, are we stepping on the stage?

Ruling, please, Alex?

I am unfortunately not the rule-maker.

Don't know what's going on.

Then to be honest, I've not had a clue what's going on

for most of this.

Umbrella.

He went past, so I can say that.

John, I've cracked it.

Oh, yes! You might need something to hook it with,

like an umbrella. Brilliant.

It's gonna be quite heavy. You might need something

to hook it with, like an umbrella!

Yeah. Quick.

John, Sophie's trying to talk to you.

Great. No, we've got it.

Not an umbrella?

Great stuff. We've got the watermelon. Yeah, brilliant.

Sophie, are you ready to receive the watermelon?

Are you ready receive? I am, umbrella, I am.

Are you allowed to touch the watermelon?

I'm allowed to touch the watermelon, am I not?

Let's check it. Yeah.

Where's the task?

Has it gone?

Where's the task?

I think I can touch the watermel...

Well, all the information's on the task. Right, all right.

John, it's in your pocket. John, it's in your pocket!

You umbrella!

Right, come on. Yeah, we can touch the watermelon.

Great, I'll just pick it up, you umbrella. Well, just pick...

..take the basket and put it on like that. All right.

Run, Sophie, run! Run, Sophie, run.

That's like carrying an umbrella.

We did it. Whoo!

Done. I've stopped the clock.

I thought we really pulled it together there at the last minute.

OK. There was no umbrella.

No, you didn't need an umbrella.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I mean, in many ways,

this task is a sort of metaphor for life, really.

In that none of us are listening to each other really, are we?

You, uh, you only had to say umbrella five times.

I just wanted to make sure they'd got it,

but without getting it. How many times did she say umbrella?

15. 15.

But by the end, she wasn't even trying to slip it in.

She was, she was just going, "Umbrella!"

LAUGHTER

Neither of you noticed this woman lying on the floor.

John was standing right beside me and didn't even blink.

Didn't even, didn't acknowledge it at all.

My head was in the mud, I was just lying there.

I think the more time I've spent with Sophie and with,

uh, Joanne, the less likely I am to notice that

Sophie has said umbrella 15 times

and Joanne's just laid down

for 30 seconds. And Joanne's just lying on the floor.

I'll tell you, definitely all three of them get their two bonus points.

Oh, God, yeah. OK, time for another break.

Watch the adverts by all means, but know this,

you don't need an air fryer,

you need to start noticing each other again.

Kiss, spend the break kissing.

We'll see you in a bit.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

Hello, there you are! Welcome back to the Taskmaster fold.

Oh, yes, it's like a big calzone with a filling

and Greg the heavy-duty dough

smothering us in his moist vacuum.

Hello. LAUGHTER

There's a team task in play,

all they've gotta do is get the watermelon on

the table in the living room

without it touching the ground at all.

But they also each have a secret task to complete.

So let's see Nick and Steve try to be sneaky

and efficient at the same time.

Put the watermelon on this table, and we can't move this table.

Hmm, OK. Right, well, we need to get going, don't we?

We need to see where the watermelon is. Yeah. OK.

Come on, let's go and find that watermelon.

Yeah, I wanna find, uh, an umbrella to find stab it

and then pop it on the end or something. Yeah.

And then, well, we could always take one. Did you bring the task?

No.

You've got the task?

I don't have the task.

There's the watermelon.

We may not step ON the stage.

We may not step on the stage!

Where's the task? Where's the task?

Um...

D... So.

Shall I run back and get the task? Yes, please.

Yeah, you keep talking in your microphone. Uh...

Steve's just going to get the... Oh, I can't go back in the room.

..the task again. Can't go back in the room.

Oh, God. So we've gotta find a way of getting that off there.

Look.

Hang on. Oh, God watch out here.

All right. Oh, my God.

Would it be better if I used the umbrella or the brick?

Oh.

That was good. OK, OK.

Are we any further forward?

What about one of these pipes?

Oh, yeah, we should've done that in the first place.

Go on.

Oh.

Yeah! Oh.

Oh, hang on. Ah!

I've got it, I've got it!

Oh! OK, now, it can't leave the stage. Are we done?

No, it can't leave the stage?

What did it say?

Does it say...Alex, remind us can it leave the stage?

I don't think it's really my job to remind you what the task is.

All right.

It was definitely something to do with the watermelon and the stage.

Was, did...?

Did it involve an umbrella?

Say again. Did it say something about we're not allowed...?

Why didn't we bring the task with us?

Oh, I'm gonna get, let's go and get the task. We're not allowed back

in the room. But, uh... Well, let's just take it, then.

Let me just see if I can grab it without going back in.

Using this umbrella.

Shall I bring the watermelon cos this is a timed task?

That's not gonna work.

I can't remember if I can touch the watermelon.

Can I touch the watermelon?

I can't remember what the rules are.

What do you two think the task is?

We've gotta put this on the table.

No, but I don't think it's just that you carry it.

Well, if we don't know what the task is,

how are we gonna solve it?

Right, it's clearly nothing to do with this umbrella

so I'll leave that there. Right, OK. So...

DING!

Gotta put this on the table and you can't move the table.

My worry is it might, might fall off the edge.

Well, you can't literally go in the room.

OK. OK, you ready? Yeah.

BANG

LAUGHTER, BANG

APPLAUSE, BANG

Oh, in a... In a...in a, uh... There is some on there.

Where is the watermelon?

On the table. It's on the table.

And on the fl...bits are on the floor.

Do you think you've completed the task?

Shall we just cut our losses and say we've completed the task?

I've stopped the clock.

Can we now go and see what it was? I don't think you should.

STEVE WHEEZES Oh. OK.

APPLAUSE

I don't remember it being that bad.

Well, I thought you both managed your secret tasks.

You were showboating with the umbrella.

Yeah, the umbrella wink's gonna catch on for you, I think. Yeah.

OK.

LAUGHTER

In terms of the rest of it,

well, this is what I've written down -

I don't think it's unfair to say that that's

the worst task attempt I've seen in 17 series of the show.

LAUGHTER

So points-wise, all five get their two points?

Without question.

Team of three, I'm presuming, five points for doing the task?

Correct. How many points do the team of two get?

Well, they just get their two bonus points each.

So it goes two points to Steve, two points to Nick,

all the rest get seven points. There it is.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good. Let's get cracking with another, please.

OK, then, but I think YOU should get a life.

GREG GASPS

Hi. Come on in.

Two men enter the dome...

Only one will leave.

This looks very serious, doesn't it?

I do tend to be. Shall we hold hands?

This is a mannequin but I thought you could call it a Joanna-quin.

JOANNA CHUCKLES Nice.

What are we up to, then?

Ah. Yes.

Ah, I knew it.

Ha-ha-ha.

Make this mannequin come alive.

It's alive!

Does that mean...

..sort of, decorate it or...

..or as a sort of...performance?

Most alive mannequin wins.

You have 20 minutes...

Your time...starts...now.

What does being alive mean? This is deep, in't it? Um...

What's your definition of alive? Um, alive. I'd like to see some organs.

Do you like it? Yeah.

Just trying to, sort of, get some sort of inspiration... Hmm.

..from it.

Oh. Well, that's a good start.

OK.

You wouldn't be the first man I know with a rod stuck up his hole.

LAUGHTER

Oh, God. Shall I bring the arms? Yeah, maybe. OK.

Oh, hello. Hello, everyone. I'll be seeing you in a bit.

Do not disturb.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, I'm intrigued to watch them all become Dr Frankenstein.

Scale it back a little bit, we're gonna start...

LAUGHTER ..with Sophie and John's mannequins

coming to life. Wow.

PROJECTOR WHIRS

WALTZ PLAYS

LAUGHTER Hello, my name's Wolfy,

I'm 36. I'm a Scorpio, I'm looking for love.

Do you have any hidden talents?

I'm a very, very, very good dancer.

For a...for a sort of puppet-woman-wolf,

I'm good at a few things.

Well, I'd like to see that.

All right, uh, one, two, three.

Ooh, ooh, ah. Ooh, ooh, ah. Ooh, la.

Ooh, la-ah.

Oooooh!

LAUGHTER

MWAH!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

I can do a beatbox.

Yes, I'd like to see that.

Right.

SHE BEATBOXES

LAUGHTER

BEATBOXING CONTINUES

Thank you. I can't believe you've been single for so long.

I know. Stop it, you're flirting!

Bye. Bye-bye.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

John's is quite haunting in a way.

LAUGHTER Just side note,

you've got two of those jackets, have you?

What I saw there... Hmm.

..was someone being thoughtful... Hmm.

..and intelligent, and I think that was a really sweet response.

Thank you.

LAUGHTER

And you did a, uh, beatboxing puppet-wolf-woman.

LAUGHTER

What's more alive than a beatboxing wolf?

An ashtray? LAUGHTER

She was called Party Dog. 36 years old and a Scorpio.

LAUGHTER

I mean, I really enjoyed it, Sophie. It was so shit.

LAUGHTER

Good. Who's next?

OK, well, brace yourself, because it's

Joanne Mc...mannequin-Nally... It's Joanne... It's Joanne Mc...

It's Joanne Mc-man... It doesn't matter, here we go. Joanne!

LAUGHTER

RAIN LASHES

Do you mind? LAUGHTER

Kind of in the middle of something here, Alex.

Sorry, Joanne. Trying to resuscitate a man.

LAUGHTER

ELECTRICAL BUZZING

Darren! SLAP

LAUGHTER

Come on, buddy.

SLAP No, I think he's properly gone now.

Well, his eye's fallen off.

He doesn't need it where he is. LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

What was the task again?

Bring this mannequin to life.

LAUGHTER

Oh, it wasn't jumping on the corpse of a mono-eyed man.

LAUGHTER

I don't know what I was doing.

But what's interesting is you were in control of the narrative...

..and you chose not to save him.

I literally announced his death myself.

LAUGHTER

Stop what you're doing

and watch the adverts, or don't. I could not care less.

Goodbye. APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING Hello, hello again!

Here we are, it's the final part of the show

and our comedians are busy bringing to life mannequins.

MONOTONE: Spot on, bro. Most alive...

LAUGHTER ..mannequin wins

and if you'd like to see Nick Mohammed's attempt next,

then you're in luck because we're gonna see

Nick Mohammed's attempt now.

Oh, hello. Hello.

Now, I've...I've decided to show you some, some magic.

OK, what, so, wh-what's your name?

Daniel Paul. Daniel Paul, is it? Yeah.

Oh, hello, Daniel Paul.

So, what I'm gonna do is,

I'm gonna cut this rope in half.

I don't know if you've heard of the,

uh, famous cut-and-restored-rope trick.

Uh, as this is magic we don't need real scissors,

we just use magic scissors and, uh,

I can just go snip like that. Ooh,

like that and then one like that.

Oh, dear. The ends have... The ends have come off.

Well, if they're the ends then this must be, uh, the middle

and this doesn't even have any ends, does it?

So, uh, yes, there you go, that's the little trick.

And, thank you very much. Um, my name's been Daniel Paul.

Thank you. APPLAUSE

That's him bowing. See ya. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What a boring magician he was! LAUGHTER

I know. The actual trick was brilliant, but him... Hmm.

..he sort of was alive, but I kind of wanted him dead throughout.

LAUGHTER

He also occasionally would go... SINGSONGY: .."Hello!"

But then, then he would just be my voice.

Yeah... Yeah. One left.

Yes, there is just one last attempt

and remember, remember,

the fifth is Steve Pember.

LAUGHTER

An attempt to fuse man and mannequin.

MENACING AND MYSTERIOUS MUSIC

ECHOING AND DISTORTED: Man and mannequin. You won't feel a thing.

It's alive! Man and mannequin. Alive, I tell you!

It's alive.

If the eyes are the windows to the soul...

There we go.

Skin.

Oh. Skin.

HIGH-PITCHED RAPID BEEPING

An attempt to fuse man and mannequin.

FADING OUT: It's alive, it's alive. Man and mannequin.

MYSTERIOUS MUSIC BOX PLAYS

LAUGHTER

Ah.

MUSIC STOPS

"Ask me to dance."

Would...would you mind dancing?

HIGH-PITCHED: Are you referring to me?

LAUGHTER What is your name?

Um... Alex.

Oh, Alex.

Alex Horne. I'm Quinn.

Quinn?

Quinn. Manny Quinn.

LAUGHTER Manny Quinn.

I don't know if you can tell from my expression,

but I feel quite lonely.

LAUGHTER

I would certainly love it if you would dance with me.

Oh, I see.

Because dancing makes me feel

the most alive it's possible to feel.

Haven't got long.

Oh... Oh!

ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS Oh! Oh, dear.

Am I looking at you?

Yes. Yeah.

Do you like my scarf?

I don't mind the scarf.

Yeah, we're going all the way round, are we? Yes. Yeah.

Are you looking at me?

Yes. Yeah. Uh...

LAUGHTER, MUFFLED SPEECH

I feel ALIVE!

I FEEL ALIVE!

I feel alive. MUSIC STOPS

I'm gonna blow my whistle now.

WHISTLE BLOWS

Ooh!

NORMAL VOICE: And scene. LAUGHTER

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Do you wanna give me some back story to your character?

She wanted to feel alive. She wanted to...

Oh, she? Sorry. Yeah, oh, yeah.

OK, yeah, sorry, I-I may have missed that.

I missed that too. Yeah. LAUGHTER

But as soon as I went, "It's alive," then I thought

the Frankenstein and then I used what I've got.

Yeah, and I think it was the most alive,

and I shall be rewarding it handsomely.

Yeah, I can vouch for that, it was...

..it was forceful. Yeah. LAUGHTER

Well, do you want some points?

All right. Most alive mannequin wins.

Well, we've gotta start with the least alive mannequin,

haven't we, Joanne?

Yeah. LAUGHTER

So, one point to Joanne McNally.

Wolfie was great...Yeah. CHEERING

..weren't she? Yeah. CHEERING

No, I'm not gonna be...

I'm not gonna be worn down by public opinion, two points.

AUDIENCE BOOS

Oh, fuck you.

LAUGHTER

I'm tempted to give Nick and John three points each

because I have to put a gulf between their wonderful creations

and this twisted monster's.

LAUGHTER

So three to John, three to Nick and five to Steve Pemberton.

There it is. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Let's have a look at the scores, then, please, Alex.

Well, you won't believe it. In the lead it's John with 17 points.

He's away again.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Please make your way to the stage

for the final task of the show.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hi there, good boy. Who's reading the task?

John Robins is gonna read the task.

Write down a letter of the alphabet. You have ten seconds.

When I blow my whistle, you've got ten seconds

to write one letter of the alphabet, nice and clear on it.

WHISTLE BLOWS

OK, we have a T, L, M, B, P.

And that's the end of the task.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come on, you silly boy, what's next?

Right, John. There's the proper task.

Ah. Every time Greg asks you

a question, you must write down an answer.

Last correct answer placed on the board is eliminated.

Greg will ask you a question. It will involve your letter.

The last person to put

a correct answer up on the board is eliminated.

Gotcha. Right. OK.

Well, the atmosphere is electric.

LAUGHTER

Ready?

What is a country beginning with

the letter four before yours in the alphabet?

Four before? Four before.

# A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M... #

LAUGHTER

SQUEAKING

That is incorrect.

John, that is correct.

Yemen!

Sophie, that is incorrect.

Yemen? Incorrect.

Correct, Joanne.

What have you written?

Libya. Correct.

It's between Nick and Sophie.

What? Oh, I-I can just keep going? Right.

Yeah, yeah. What have you written?

India. That is correct.

I'm afraid we have lost Sophie Willan. Sophie.

AUDIENCE: Aww!

The trouble is, the fourth before hers is...

X! ..begins with X and there are no countries beginning with X.

No countries, so actually I've been fucked. You have been.

LAUGHTER

Four people left as we go to round two.

What is a food beginning with

the letter 25 letters after yours in the alphabet?

A food beginning with the letter 25 letters...

Correct. He is correct.

That was fast. I mean...

Joanne, that is incorrect.

John, that is correct.

Olive. Correct.

I'm afraid we have lost Joanne McNally.

APPLAUSE

OK, it's the three men.

What is something heavier than a cat, beginning with

the letter ten letters before yours in the alphabet?

Oh, you're fast with...

Oh, my word, Nick, correct.

John, incorrect.

Nick, he's like Rain Man tonight.

Goose? Incorrect.

Correct, John.

We've lost Steve Pemberton. We've lost Steve Pemberton.

AUDIENCE: Aww! APPLAUSE

Yeah, we were looking for an F there.

OK, it's the big final. What is a common lady's name...

LAUGHTER

..eight letters after your letter?

It's Tina...

..and that's correct. He's done it.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ursula just after the Tina there, so that means

the winner of the task is Mr John Robins.

There it is.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Come down here and we'll add that to the final scores.

I tell you what, series-wise, you wouldn't believe

the effect it's had on the scores.

Nick's at the bottom and John's at the top,

and there's only 47 points between them.

LAUGHTER

You have got a chance of winning the series still...

OK. ..if three people die.

LAUGHTER

I can do that. LAUGHTER

John won the task

and the episode was also won by Mr John Robins, with 22 points.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

John Robins wins!

Please, go and squeeze your things that were meant to please me.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media