Original subtitles

La Fabrique www.sous-titres.eu

This whole coming week is the Jewish holiday of Passover.

It’s all about how Moses led the Hebrews out of Egypt.

Very good!

So on Friday, all Jewish people

will celebrate Passover with a Seder dinner.

Because God commanded the Jews

to only eat bread that hasn’t been given yeast to rise.

That’s so cool. So then Passover lasts seven days?

One week, from Seder dinner on Friday to the next Friday.

Interesting. And why is it called Passover again?

Because in ancient Egypt,

God passed over the houses marked with the blood of a lamb.

So interesting.

Get outta here.

Get outta here!

I better be going. Thanks so much, I learned a ton.

You’re very welcome.

What are you gonna do?

Isn’t it possible I want to learn more about the Jewish faith?

All right, listen.

Legends tell of a horrific creature that sucks the blood of goats,

and it might have been spotted in South Park.

What does that have to do with Passover?

All I can promise you is

that this is gonna be the most memorable Passover ever.

Cartman’s Passover holiday special.

Starring…

the Jewpacabra!

All right, next please. Signing up for the Easter egg hunt?

Ooh da lolly! This is gonna be so much fun!

– I can’t wait for Sunday. – Me too.

Should be a real blast.

I just hope Jewpacabra doesn’t show up.

Jewpa-what?

It’s nothing. Forget I said anything.

– What time does the event start? – OK, look.

A lot of people claim that on Passover,

a blood-sucking creature comes out and preys on children.

This year, Passover happens to be the same week as Easter.

You mean it’s like a monster?

It’s just a legend!

But people all over town have started reported strange things.

Knocked over trash cans, weird howls…

– Nu-uh. – Yeah-huh!

Don’t think you’re safe because you’re black!

You guys, check this out.

All right, stay back!

Looks like a Jewpacabra attack, but it’s hard to tell.

We’re gonna need some video cameras.

We gotta try to get proof of this thing.

All right, knock it off! Stop spreading lies.

I’m trying to protect people.

And why are you so quick to try and cover up its existence?

I looked on the known species web page.

There’s no “Jewpacabra” mentioned anywhere.

Neither is Bigfoot, but many people say they’ve spotted a Sasquatch.

If someone says they saw a Sasquatch,

they are either lying, or they are stupid.

Stop lying about a Jewpacabra before stupid people believe you!

No such thing as Jewpacabra.

People made it up.

That’s OK.

Even if there was a Jewpacabra, it couldn’t get in my room anyways.

You and me are gonna try to catch Jewpacabra on camera.

It’s a school night.

Do you know how many times it has been shot on video?

Zero.

I can’t do this alone.

Help me prove to the rest of the world Jewpacabra is real.

Look at these dense trees and brush.

This is exactly the kind of forest Jewpacabra likes to hide in.

You think Jewpacabra is here?

Pretty sure it was here.

– Maybe we scared it off. – You can’t scare a Jewpacabra.

We’re dealing with a creature that drinks blood, hides in the night

and has absolutely no belief in the divinity of Christ.

Did you hear that?

I’m gonna try a Jewpacabra mating call.

No Christ!

I’m really not buying this whole Christ thing.

He’s here somewhere.

I’m scared.

– Jesus is a lie! – Stop it!

– Help me call it out. – I’m not saying Jesus is a lie!

You wanna catch Jewpacabra on camera or not?

There is no Christ.

Jesus is a lie.

No way Jesus was son of God, huh, Butters?

I don’t think Christ has any basis in reality.

You hear that?

Oh, hamburgers.

We started Sooper Foods to give people a place to buy groceries

that was fun and safe.

We won’t cancel our Easter egg hunt, because of some wild story!

I didn’t think you’d believe me.

That’s why I took it upon myself to capture it on video.

What I’m about to show you

is the first video ever shot of a Jewpacabra.

And you’re the first to see it.

This is just after 8 pm.

We heard rustling in the bushes, then a strange scurrying sound.

That’s when we saw this.

Wait for it.

Right there! You see the Jewpacabra?

It takes a minute for your brain to process what it’s seeing.

Watch again.

Wait for it… there!

Jewpacabra.

There’s a Jewpacabra in South Park. God help us.

That wasn’t a dog?

It was no dog. I was there.

This thing had no idea that Jesus Christ had died for our sins.

I can try to catch it, but I’ll need all your resources.

If this thing isn’t contained, your hunt is going to be a blood bath.

Mr. Billings?

Two things separate Sooper Foods from all the other groceries stores:

fun and safety.

What do you think?

What are the chances that this Jewpacabra is real?

I’m estimating somewhere around…

0.000000001%.

I can’t afford to take that chance. Get this kid whatever he needs.

So where are we heading first?

We need to get to Nassau, in the Bahamas, here.

– The Bahamas? – That’s right.

There’s a resort near there called “The Atlantis hotel and casino.”

They have a water slide that goes through a shark tank.

Cool!

Check it out!

Where to, now?

Now, we head back to Colorado, here.

We need to get my video

into the hands of professionals who can analyze it.

Would you stop scaring everyone with your dumb ass myth?

People thought Atlantis was a myth, but I was just there.

I’ve explored the depths of Atlantis, and I’ll prove a new species exists.

– I’m a little James Cameron. – These people won’t prove anything.

To believe any of this, you either have to be a liar or stupid.

These are professional people who go around tracking Sasquatches!

They aren’t liars, and they aren’t stupid!

Look at its trajectory. It heads directly to the right.

It can’t be human, it’s too low to the ground.

– What do you think, Bobo? – Bobo think scary!

It’s definitely something. I’m thinking a Sasquatch.

It’s not big enough to be a Squatch.

– A baby Squatch? – That’s what I’m thinking.

I’ve already done my research. You’re looking at a Jewpacabra.

Jewpacabra?

It’s like a Sasquatch, only more elusive,

more ferocious and more greedy.

Jewpacabra, that sounds scary!

But it makes total sense.

If we rule out a human and a baby Sasquatch,

Jewpacabra is all we have left.

That’s it.

You have to allow only me into the Easter egg hunt.

I’m the only one qualified.

The kids will be so disappointed.

Look at this!

I did the heatie thermal thingie to the video!

It’s all orangy, but it’s supposed to be yellowy.

My God! This really is proof of a Jewpacabra!

What?

We’ve never seen this before. It really is true!

It could have just been a dog.

It’s impossible. Look at the zoom in.

If I drop an image of a dog next to it…

That thing is way too big to be a dog. And check out the thermals.

That’s the thermals, they make a proof and the thermals!

That’s right.

Whatever this thing is, it’s mean and angry as hell.

It’s probably a Jewpacabra, but this isn’t definitive.

I’ll tell you one thing.

– You’re pretty brave. – Why?

You took the video of this thing. It’s not gonna like that.

If it is a Jewpacabra,

he’s gonna be coming after you.

There’s no way…

No way Jewpacabra’s real.

They don’t know what they’re talking about.

They just gave me a case of the Hebrew jeebies.

Jewpacabra can’t be real, right? Tell me again why it can’t be real.

Something I made up couldn’t turn out to actually exist.

What are you doing?

Even if there was a Jewpacabra,

it wouldn’t know I was the one who got video of it.

How could it know? It couldn’t, right?

Jesus loves me, this I know

’Cause Republicans tell me so

Little ones, God will protect

’Cause letting kids be harmed is child neglect

Everything’s still clear out there?

– Guys? – It’s all quiet out front.

Check everywhere!

I’m not paying you each twenty bucks to scratch your buttholes!

He says he’s not paying us to scratch our buttholes.

What was that?

Jesus Christ! You guys?

You guys?

It’s trying to get in. Where the hell are you?

We got scared, so we’re next door at WingStreet.

WingStreet?

– It was the closest place to hide. – Dude, I want wings!

Jesus, it’s only you!

Grab him.

You say the Jewpacabra hunts for anything Easter.

And now, it’s looking for you.

Get me outta here!

Help!

Look, we’re sorry.

But if it’s you that Jewpacabra wants, we don’t have a choice.

It’s gonna kill me!

What the…

Just a little blood to try and draw it out.

We just can’t risk the creature showing up tomorrow.

Our entire business is based on fun and safety.

This isn’t safe or fun!

Maybe it won’t even show up.

Maybe we’ll all make it out of this OK.

Fuck, we better get out of here!

Come back! This isn’t right!

Hello, young man.

Let me start off by saying Sooper Foods is not

an anti-Semitic company.

But…

if your people do have a monster that feeds on Easter children,

we just wanted to let you know there’s a sacrifice for it in the park

that is totally fun and safe to eat.

I know what you’re thinking,

that this is some kind of fitting comeuppance.

Admit you’re lying, and I’ll let you go.

Of course, I was lying. There’s no Jewpacabra.

Please, it’s Easter Eve.

If Jewpacabra smells this blood, I’m in trouble.

Wait! I’m sorry, I couldn’t help it.

Please, I’ll give you money! I have lots of money!

What am I doing? I mean…

I don’t have any money. I’m totally broke!

I am in a heap of trouble.

It’s so cool that…

even though I’m Christian, I celebrate Passover too.

I think both holidays are awesome.

I really sympathize with those Jews in ancient Egypt.

I really do.

What do you think?

No doubt about it. It’s a three-foot tall Bunny Man.

I told you.

Bunny people must be a throwback to paleolithardic times.

Shoot it.

Bobo shoot it!

What the…

Bobo got it! Bobo got the Bunny Man!

Good shot!

– Now, what do we do? – I know.

Let’s go get a show about it on Animal Planet.

Good idea!

Wait, we’re gonna need to take the evidence.

All right, I got the evidence right here:

the dart gun I shot the Bunny Man with.

– All right! – Let’s go!

What… where…

What?

What’s going on?

The plagues are upon us! Run!

It’s raining frogs!

My Hebrew friend! Did you see that it’s raining frogs?

It’s because the pharaoh won’t give the Hebrews what we want.

God is angry.

So God makes it rain frogs?

That just seems kind of mean to frogs.

That’s how God is.

And next, he’s gonna kill all Egyptian first-born boys.

I’ll talk to the pharaoh and see if he’ll change his mind.

It doesn’t matter, because God is going to harden pharaoh’s heart.

– What does that mean? – Jehovah’s gonna use his powers

to keep him from letting us go.

That doesn’t seem very fair.

If God will make pharaoh say no, why punish him for saying no?

That’s just how God is.

You’re wrong. God is not a dick!

Dad, when’s it gonna stop raining frogs?

It’ll be OK, my son. The weather will clear.

But my friend Kyle,

he says we’ve had all these plagues, because you won’t let the Jews leave.

It’s a complicated political issue, my son.

An economic social issue that needs time.

We can’t let them leave, but is it really all that different

from when the North didn’t let the Confederates leave the USA?

That makes sense. Don’t think anyone can deny that.

Poor frogs. I feel so badly for them.

But, Dad,

my friend Kyle says that if we don’t do whatever the Hebrews want us to do,

God is gonna kill little Egyptian boys.

I don’t think God would do such a thing.

We can’t let ourselves believe in the Hebrew version of God.

We believe in a just lord who’d never murder innocent children.

I love you, Dad.

And I love you son.

And our love grows.

And our love grows

Like the mighty river of the Nile

See it flow

We’ll never be apart

Have no fear For God is near

And God loves all his children

Why? What are you doing?

This is what God told us to do.

– I don’t believe you! – You’ll see!

What’s happening to us?

Mom! Don’t let God kill me!

Care for a peanut butter and jelly sandwich?

The bread’s all flat!

Son, we were wrong! I was wrong!

We were wrong!

I’m sorry, God. I’ll be Jewish, I promise!

Please don’t kill me!

The bread is all flat!

People are thinking about two things when they are grocery-shopping:

fun and safety.

On this beautiful Easter morning,

we are thrilled to give back to the people of South Park

who for the third year in a row have made our grocery store number…

four in fun, and number six in safety.

Let the hunt begin!

I’m alive!

I’m alive! I don’t know how, but I’m alive!

Can you believe it? It’s a miracle!

Listen, everybody. Last night, I almost died.

But then, a Passover miracle happened.

The Jewpacabra passed me over,

and by the power of Jehovah, I somehow woke up safely in my bed.

I learned a big lesson.

It’s wrong.

Christ didn’t die for our sins, and God is angry.

It’s time for us all to stop this Easter ridiculousness,

accept Jehovah as our God and deny Christ.

Stop trying to ruin Easter, you heathen!

You guys, listen!

I finally know how you feel.

Knowing your religion is right, but being laughed at by everyone else.

It’s so hard for us Jews.

But we have to let stupid people believe what they’re gonna believe.

I know what you’re thinking, but I really do believe in Judaism now.

I’m not lying.

I know you’re not.

Cool, thanks.

And, Kyle, happy Passover.

Happy Passover.