Original subtitles

In the not too distant future, sex will be illegal.

The exact time is unimportant.

Suffice it to say, several generations hence.

In this world of the future, overpopulation had taken its toll.

A drastic drop in the birth rate became necessary for the world's survival.

But all the myriad forms of birth control that technology had given the

had proven in the final analysis miserably ineffective.

Even surgical sterilization procedures were deemed untrustworthy due to

incompetence among medical professionals.

At least, this was the case in the United States.

And so the government stepped in with the only acceptable solution.

Mass suppression.

of the human sex drive by compulsory administration of a chemical sex

suppressant. Heterosexual intercourse was outlawed. And just as

intercourse became a felony, oral sex became a misdemeanor.

Because in the eyes of the government, it could lead to intercourse.

And so...

masturbation became the most desirable sexual activity of all on

those monthly occasions when the population demanded some form of sexual

release. Technology had succeeded in suppressing the sex drive, not

it.

And thus, pornography in all its forms became not

only legal, Not only respectable, but a multi -million dollar industry.

Subsidized by the government, the Library of Congress amassed the world's

largest collection of erotica. The Department of Health, Education, and

issued civil service exams to pornographic film producers.

And Al Goldstein, in vigorous good health at age 83, was appointed

as a cabinet officer.

Those who remembered what intercourse was like when it was still legal swelled

the endless waiting list for licensing by the FEC, the Federal Exhibitionism

Commission, known to its intimates as FEC.

Those licensed were legally permitted to engage in sex only

as performers.

Our story involves the sex stars of the not -too -distant future.

Men and women like the handsome young man from Iowa named Jonathan Zee, and

girl of his wet dreams, the beautiful and double -jointed Tappy Pull.

And how their world was changed inexorably when television producer

Probrish skated into their life.

In the not -too -distant future, that will be illegal.

But there will be roller babies.

This is their story.

69, 69.

Who's calling?

Oh, Mr. Smith, can you hold on a minute, please?

Mr. Smith from the television station wants to talk to you.

Are you in? In? In? What the hell do you think I am, an anteater?

No, I mean to Smith.

Tell him I'm out to lunch.

I'm sorry, sir.

He's eating at the moment.

Yes, sir.

He won't wait.

All right.

Hello?

Yes, sir.

Of course, sir.

Yes, sir. I know what you always said. Let's put the X back in W -S -E -X.

Yes, sir.

Thank you. Goodbye.

Prick. What do you want?

Oh, the usual.

Gotta have more imaginative acts on the fucking suck show. Remember the

competition and blah, blah, blah.

He also said that the widow of the female impersonator with the horse is

sue.

You remember.

The one who did the impression of Catherine the Great.

Oh, yeah.

Yep.

Jesus, Alice!

You've got to be more careful.

I know.

I can't do anything with a camera staring at us.

Are you sure they can't see us?

I told you, Professor Roxo fixed everything.

See the attachment on that lens?

It's called a masker. It distorts the image they're supposed to see at

headquarters. You know what they're seeing right now?

You, sitting behind a desk, in front of a voice transcriber, recording a letter.

As far as they're concerned, this is a normal, everyday office.

I don't know how Roksov does it, but he does it. Watch this.

Hey, you.

At the Federal Bureau of Sex Impulse Suppression.

Bite my schvank, motherfuckers.

Some invention, huh?

Cut it out, Sherman.

Will you stop being so skimpy? I told you they can't see us. Besides, they see

millions of guys every day with their flutes in their hands.

That's okay by them.

Just as long as nobody's S -C -R -E -W -I -N -G screwing.

That's a no -no.

What a fucked up country.

The law is the law.

I don't know what's happening with me.

I used to masturbate for years and years and years, and all I ever get is a

tingle. But since I've been working for you, I've been cumming and cumming and

cumming. I don't know, maybe it's these new lollipops.

Could be.

6969, Forbisher's Television.

Who's calling?

Mr. Vito. Hold on a moment, please.

Vito who?

Just Vito.

Oh, that Vito.

I owe him a repayment on a loan.

Tell him he'll have a check at the end of the month.

Mr. Vito, sir, you'll have a check at the end of the month?

Yes, sir.

Yes. Goodbye.

How much do you owe him?

A million and a half.

What was the message?

Just remember what happened to Sidney's kidneys.

You don't have that type of money.

$69 .69.

Yes, of course. Send her up.

Miss Hope, nice to see you.

That's the niece of a friend of mine.

Come on, let's get organized.

Listen, go on. Go out to your desk and make like we're running a legitimate

office here.

Hope, are you sure about this?

Of course I am, Mr. Frobish. And Uncle Jack said you could help me.

Well, you realize, Hope, that a sex performer has to be licensed by FEC.

Yes, that's my problem.

I can't get a job unless I have a license.

But I can't apply for a license unless I know I have a job.

Please say you'll take me on.

Well, personally, I like to be on top.

Huh? Never mind.

Look, Hope, are you sure you're cut out for this sort of work?

Boy, was that a stupid question.

What I mean is, you hardly know anything about sex.

I mean, you're still a virgin, aren't you? Of course I am.

Do I look like a common criminal?

Of course not. No offense intended.

Well, you might as well find out what you're getting into.

Where are you going?

Not me.

Us. We are going to my club.

Nightclub? Yes.

Oh, good. I've got to change into my tux.

We're taping next week's show over there.

Let's go. You're going to find out just what it takes to be a sex star.

Uncle Jack never told me that you were the hungry sphincter.

I've heard a lot about this place.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the Fuck and Suck Show. A

carnal cornucopia coming to you from the hungry sphincter in New York City.

Courtesy of PBS, the pornographic broadcasting system.

I'm Austin Aran, your host for this evening's Attraction of Stellar Sex,

you to sit back, relax in the privacy of your cubicle, and please, feel free to

do it with both hands, so that you can't change the channel.

Tonight, we're presenting America's biggest sex stars, Jonathan Zee and

Poole.

And direct from the Denmark Ballet, Caesar Shorthairs and Hedonistic.

Performing their famous pas de deux from the Nutsucker Suite.

And also we have tonight America's favorite erotic comedian, Lillian

Ventriloquist, Senor Cojones and his talking cock.

Patty Cakes and her all -girl orchestra and many, many more.

So please stay tuned. We'll be right back.

Everybody has a gimmick.

Well, who thought up that one?

Me. Oh.

I don't mean to tell you how to run your business or anything, but what could

possibly be erotic about a ventriloquist?

Now you see why I brought you here.

Look, you want to make it in this business, kid, you gotta have a gimmick.

Did you ever hear of Linda Lovelace?

I took a porn history course in college.

Well, then you know what she did, right? Simple.

Basic. She sucked a good cock.

But nobody had ever seen anybody suck a cock like she did on a screen before.

It was different.

It was a gimmick.

Pretty soon this Linda Lovemore came along.

What happened to the original?

In the toilet.

She never came up with a better gimmick. Look, let's call a spade a spade.

You see one cunt, you've seen them all. It's the same with cocks. Look, some are

bigger than others.

You blow them up on a movie screen, they all look big. It gets boring after a

while, so you've got to come up with different things. Keep topping yourself.

When porno started surfacing in the 1970s, pretty soon you had chicks

while they sucked cock.

Had some guy with tattoos all over his body. Got a lot of attention.

Now tell me, what could possibly be erotic about some stupid broad who

Juergens lotion from her cunt 200 feet?

Nothing in and of itself, but that's the whole point.

Pretty soon, it's not whether or not something's a turn -on, but whether it's

different.

In other words, the novelty itself becomes erotic. So you gotta have a

The scene you have just witnessed contains redeeming social significance.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, the stars of our show, America's favorite sex

performers, Jonathan Zee and Pappy Poole.

Watch them. They're terrific.

Wait a minute.

I forgot to take my suppressants today.

And I don't have any with me.

Have one of those.

Thank you.

There's a laser operation to sterilize the sex dog that's full of poop.

Why can't they give that to everybody?

It's a lot better than having to take those lousy pills every day.

I know.

Well, they say it's because the laser operation would be too expensive to give

to everybody, but I don't believe that.

I think those laws were made by the last surviving Puritan on the face of the

earth.

Maybe.

So you gave me the right pills?

I feel funny.

Jeremy, I feel different.

Huh? I like it.

I feel mellow.

Oh? I feel all sort of mooted -like.

You know something, Shermie?

This glyph is beginning to bore me.

Why don't we go somewhere else and find something better to do?

Got any suggestions?

Yeah, lots of suggestions.

Come on, Shirley, let's go now.

I wanted you to see this other act that's coming on next. Senor Cajones and

talking cock.

Oh, I can't wait, Shirley.

Let's go now.

Come on, Shirley.

All right.

Oh, Shermie, where are we going?

Someplace private.

For God's sakes, will you please stop calling me Shermie?

Shermie.

Come on!

I don't understand why you wanted to stop over at the store first.

You'll see.

You said I have to have a gimmick, right?

Well... Take off your clothes.

Well, it's been done before, but we'll give it a fuck.

I never tasted a cock so delicious.

Pistachio is my favorite.

Oh.

Oh.

Believe it.

Come in my mouth.

Come, you green cock.

So fucking good.

Wow, for a virgin, you've got some great moves, kid.

Well, it helps if you've grown up watching porn films.

It's great for learning technique.

Yes.

Many marriages and relationships have been saved by the educational benefits

explicit pictorial pornography.

Many relationships built on trust, deep personal commitment, open communication,

and true love still founder because of lack of communication.

in the conjugal bed.

Kroger here.

Yes, Alice.

Who's Alice?

My secretary.

Yes.

Who?

Fuller who?

The commissioner of the FEC?

Suffering space war, sure.

Of course.

Tell him I'll be there in a half an hour.

Look, I gotta lift off.

Can you find your way out of here?

Hey, wait a minute!

Look, I'll glom you later. I'm in a hurry.

What about me? You lousy, no -dick motherfucker.

You promised to make me into a star.

Keep practicing.

And so, Sherman Frobish came to the office of the Federal Exhibitionism

Commission at my express invitation.

What he did not know is that his life of success, glamour, and illicit sex was

about to take a turn for the worse.

What he did not know is that his life of success, glamour, and illicit sex was

about to take a turn for the worse.

About to take a turn for the worse, goddammit!

That must be Frobish now.

Coming!

Mr. Frobish. Yes, sir.

Mr. Frobish, I just want you to know that we in fact deeply appreciate your

efforts in making the fuck and suck show such a strong hit

in the past.

But now there's a new competitive sex network that wants to steal our

audience. We're in trouble.

The affiliates of the entire network.

Very much in trouble.

K -U -N -T in Los Angeles may fall soon due to lack of funds.

W -H -O -R in Chicago is under attack by Mayor Daley.

We're in trouble, son.

The public wants alternative sex programming.

Please, sir, get to the point.

Well, in the last year, Frobish, the ratings of the fucking sex show were to

it bluntly.

Slipping. So, though it pains me deeply to have to say it, after six more

presentations, your program will be cancelled.

I asked you here because I thought you might want to hear this personally,

from the top. I'm terribly sorry, Frobish.

Thank you, sir.

Of course, there's no hurry.

But my son, Bull, is coming in as the producer of the program, which is going

replace yours.

So you won't be needing the key to the PBS executive washroom.

Thank you.

Well, now if there's nothing else... Well, maybe there's an opening on the

schedule. Perhaps I could do a pilot that you could look at.

No, no, son. I'm sorry. We need younger men, like my son Bull.

Bull Shite.

Fine boy. He just graduated Northwestern University.

Younger? Oh, look at it this way, Frobish.

Could be worse.

Fifty years ago, you might have had wife and family to worry about.

Sure. Sure.

What have I got to worry about?

Just payments on a two -room office.

One of only three of its kind in the city.

And a Class A luxury cubicle.

How can I go back to a Class D flat now?

I'm young, but not that young.

I've got so much.

Two suits.

Real neat.

How can I give all that up now?

I've got bills to pay.

Vito, oh my God, Vito. Oh, come.

Come now, my boy. I'm sure you'll work everything out.

And if there's anything you need, just call my secretary.

And let's have lunch together, eh? Real soon, eh?

Goodbye.

And so Sherman Probish turned to the one man he knew could help him.

Dr. Irving Roxoff, the noted inventor.

They say that behind each great man is a good woman.

Not so in Sherman Probish's case.

Oh, he had a great many good women.

But they were mostly under him, not behind him.

No.

Behind him and all his accomplishments...

stood the mad Professor Rocksall.

Professor Rocksall, how are you?

Oh, shimmy, shimmy, my boy. It's good to see you.

You here to give me my latest assignment?

Hey, tell me, those sexy dresses I give you, they're working here. Tell me how

effective they are with all those fancy schnitzels you got.

Would you stop for a minute? You're making me dizzy.

Listen to me.

I've got some bad news for you. What? What happened?

I'm going to have to let you go.

Oh, don't talk to me.

One of those girls, she got sick from the stimulant. So now maybe she wants to

sue.

Don't talk to me. I don't want to talk to her. No, no, it's nothing like that.

Look, it's just that in a little while I might not be able to afford you, that's

all. I mean, look, for a while I was riding high, big man on television, all

that glyph.

But now... You're in a TV show.

That's right, my TV show. In the toilet.

They call me into the office and tell me, six more weeks, and then the fucking

suck show is caped.

But don't worry, I'll buy you out of your contract with me, somehow.

But we're going to have to close down this laboratory right away.

There's nothing I can do. I don't see how.

Unless you can invent me another TV show overnight.

to come up with something.

After all, didn't I make for you to mask it so you could stoke your brains out

and nobody sees you?

Yeah? And didn't I make for you the stimulant pills that, uh, butterflies

completely and sex suppressants that they make us take? Which work better, my

boy? Well?

You're not kidding, they work.

Gave one to my friend's niece the other day. She nearly raped me in front of

half the FBSIS at my club.

Hey,

wait a minute.

What about if we go into business selling those things after my show

at least once a month and not have an old -fashioned fight.

You want them, you should increase their value and make them feel worse.

Besides, on the black market, you'll have to sell.

Who would want it?

Well, how about if we market the minister?

What's the matter with you, bully, huh?

In your head, you got lots of it.

For you, all right, but for everybody, sure.

Federal offense, you're talking to a man, boy.

Better you shouldn't even think.

I have something for you. I didn't want to have to tell you, but if you want a

new way to bring in the shekels, I have just what you need.

Holy shit!

That lunatic worked for me.

Why? Why?

What could you possibly need a dead body for?

Damn! Who said anything about that?

Calm down, relax.

She's my android.

Your android who?

Look at her. She's beautiful.

She's got everything.

She's got eyes, lips, the breast, and even, uh, you know, her look.

I can see, but what do I care about?

Hey, wait a minute.

Oh, you mean like, uh, like an inflatable doll, only it moves.

Nah, go on.

It won't sell.

I mean, who wants to stick his shrugs into a piece of machinery?

What's the matter? You never read Penthouse?

Central atoms.

Yeah, but you got it all wrong.

I never said Roman.

I said android.

She's made from chemicals. She's got everything a real woman's got.

Even internal organs.

Made from inorganic materials.

You should watch this. I'm going to do something you've never seen before.

Sharon's 69.

Pleased to meet you, Mr.

Sherman, I'm sure.

69?

Oh, there were 68 other models in the Sharon series.

You know what they say, if at first you don't succeed, go out and try her.

Try her? You mean... Yeah, why not?

Hey, Sharon.

Show Mr.

Sherman what you can do. What I meant.

Mother.

You got a towel?

No, you don't need one.

The lubricant has a special compound that dries on contact with the air.

What do you think, my boy?

Not bad.

Not bad at all. Yeah, but like I said, it's still got a few bugs in it. I gotta

make pee -pee.

He talks. Yeah, I noticed.

But it feels like the real thing.

That's the important part.

And what's more important is you don't need birth control.

Fucking an android would be legal.

If we market these, we'll make billions!

Professor, you're a genius!

Vito?

Frobish.

Yes, we're expecting a shipment of synthetic hair very soon.

Right. I'm converting my club into a factory.

Yes, we hope... Yes, Vito, yes.

Yes, we hope to be going into production on our first line of androids very soon

now.

Yes. Okay, sure. I'll have it checked for you at the end of the week.

Right.

Zippity -doo -dah, zippity -doo.

With my androids, everybody can screw.

Shermie, baby, you're beautiful. You've got your own personal genius under

exclusive contract, and he's going to make you stinking rich.

Who needs television?

So who needs pornography?

Sherman Frobish, industrial tycoon.

Jesus, that has a nice ring to it.

Miss Weisquad, the CEO says she's a second performer.

Well, tell her to get lost. We're not singing performers now. We're getting

of TV, remember?

But we still have five more shows to do.

All right, all right. Send her in.

Miss Weisquad?

How do you do, Miss Weisquad? I'm Sherman Froch. You've met my secretary,

Koja? Yeah.

Have a seat.

Thank you, Alan.

Now, what can I do for you, Ms. Squad?

I'd like to know what I have to do to get on the fucking suck show.

Thanks.

Well, we're primarily interested in novelty acts.

You know, something with a gimmick.

Let's see here.

Hmm.

License seems to be in order.

You're having a special classification, I see.

TPTK. What is that?

That's my gimmick. I give mind.

You mean you give head, don't you? No, I give mind.

I'm telepathic and telekinetic.

Tele -what?

Telekinetic, you know.

Mind over matter. I give telepathic blowjobs. I can get you up and get you

without ever touching you.

by the sheer force of my mental energy.

And if you'd like to know how it works, I'm in a film that's out now.

It's called Deep Thought.

Well, I don't have the time to see many films, Miss Quad, but thank you very

much. May I give you a demonstration?

Sure.

But not here.

It's too public.

I'm shy.

How about your place tonight?

Yeah, um, alright.

Twenty hundred hours, okay by you?

Fine. Fine.

Okay, now watch this.

and you didn't even touch me. Am I in?

You bet your mind, kid.

Wonderful. Let's have a drink to celebrate.

Good idea.

Why don't you go relax in the other room while I get the champagne?

To my job.

To my job.

I should know better than to dance champagne like that. It goes straight to

head. Then I do naughty things.

Really?

Like what?

This.

Oh, wow.

Just consider it a token of my appreciation.

Oh, shit.

Trolley's here.

Sherman? This is Alice. Don't talk, just listen.

I just ran a check on Vice Squad, and the fact says there's no such person

a performance license.

You better watch your ass. I smell a Nixon.

Holy shit.

And I gave her the... Listen, thanks a lot, Alice. I'll keep in touch.

Excuse me. Maybe we really should know how to do this. You know, we might get

trouble. Come on.

Don't worry about it. It's only a misdemeanor. That just gives a ticket.

I'll pay the phone.

Now, come on. Hey, I mean it.

Now, cut it out.

Hey, come on. Stop that.

Hey, look.

I said stop it!

Hey, I'm not going to tell you again.

All right, that's it.

No more Mr. Nice Guy.

I hate to have to do this, but you leave me no choice.

Operator, get me the FBSIS.

No, give me that phone. Why?

Is this what you want? Is this what you want?

This is a staff, isn't it?

Yes. I mean, no.

Ha!

I mean... Oh, shit.

It wasn't supposed to work out like this.

What wasn't supposed to work out like what?

Come on, you evil little cunt. Spill it. Who the fuck are you anyway?

My name's Gumshoes. Anita Gumshoes.

I'm with the CIA.

Sorry, sister. I'm not buying. You'll have to do better than that. There

been a CIA for 20 years.

Not the Central Intelligence Agency. The Carnal Intelligence Agency.

What? Here.

Holy shit.

We understand you've been engaged in an illegal intercourse on a promiscuous

basis for several years. It was my job to gain the evidence.

You mean screw me two different ways at the same time, don't you? I guess so.

Sorry to disappoint you.

Wait, I didn't think it would be like this. I mean, it's skitsy. I was really

starting to like you, you know?

Save it, will you? I'm telling you the truth.

Get off it.

Maybe we could work something out?

Do it off the record.

I'm government.

I've got connections.

You must think I'm awfully stupid or something.

All right, you motherfucker.

You had your chance. You're going to wish your mother had never been picked

be a breeder.

I'm going to be on your ass day and night. You won't be able to take a shit

without us knowing about it. Remember, I'm telepathic, you son of a bitch.

You've been careful, but you'll slip up. And when you do, I'm going to know

about it because I'm going to be reading your mind.

And we're going to bust you so fast your head will spin. You hear me? I'm going

to nail your ass, Probish.

Probish here.

Yes, Professor. Good to hear from you.

Slow down, Professor. I can't understand you.

In English.

Yes.

Sure.

What?

Professor, calm down.

Okay.

Okay, sure, right away.

What?

What? Look, look, look at her!

What? What is it?

Can't you see? She's pregnant!

How? How? How? How the fuck can she be pregnant?

I think you just answered your own question.

Professor, she's an android, remember?

So obviously she's pregnant, though. Look at her. What else could it be? What

it?

It looks like she's either pregnant or she's just deep -throated a watermelon.

But just answer me one question, all right? One teensy, eensy, weensy

if you don't mind.

How? How?

Maybe in this one I duplicated human functions just a little bit too closely.

Too closely?

Rock so.

You incompetent. You charlatan. You doobie quack. Wait till I get my hands

you and I'll be a couple of human functions you'll be duplicating, you son

bitch. Like screaming, bleeding.

Don't tell me she wants to have sex already.

Oh, calm down, my boy. Calm down. I want to have a heart attack. I want to have

a heart attack. It should be soon. It's 5 to 20 in the state pen.

Don't you realize what this means?

The android is worthless.

And we've got four weeks to the last show.

It's bankruptcy work for me now, surely.

Oh, God, and not to mention what Vito's going to do to me.

Bessa, we've got to do something.

Fast. I need lots of money.

Fast. Please, protect an android that can't get pregnant through something,

anything! But what about this one?

I don't know, if you built her, you can fix her!

What if I may be so far to ask, are you suggesting already?

An abortion?

No, absolutely not, I can't, no, no.

Why the fuck not?

She's got...

What's the matter, gumshoes? Is your mind -working technique working?

You have to resort to snooping, huh?

Well, I've had it with you this time.

You're really going to get it. I've taken all I'm going to take.

I ought to pound the shit out of you.

In fact, I think that's just what I'm going to do. It'll teach you a lesson,

bitch. Are you with me? You bet you are. I won't get away with this. I won't let

you. Shut up. I won't let you.

Oh, my God!

You liked it. Admit it. Come on.

I like you. I have, from the first moment I met you. I tried to tell you

but you wouldn't listen. It's that male ego of yours.

I like you too, Gumshoes. You're an okay broad.

I think I'm getting nauseous.

But when I found out you were a fit, I skitzed.

I felt like I'd been had.

And I realized when we started making it that I didn't know what I was missing.

If what we've been doing here is illegal, our society must be pretty damn

up.

Sure.

Oh, boy, do I feel like a shit now.

People, I've got a confession to make.

You aren't really attracted to me, gumshoes.

No more than Alice here is every time we make it together.

Oh, really?

Yeah. See, Professor rocks off to... Developed this sexual stimulant pill. It

just releases all the repressed sexual energy in our bodies.

I slipped some of it in your champagne.

You think I didn't know that? I'm a mind reader, remember?

Oh, wow.

Sex stimulants, eh?

Is that stuff in these lollipops?

Yeah.

You mean you're not angry with me?

I love fucking.

Okay.

Wonderful.

But what about you?

The CIA still wants my ass.

Oh, fuck the CIA.

What?

I've decided I'm in the wrong business. I don't want to be a spy anymore. I want

to be a sex star.

Oh, terrific.

So I'll introduce you to some of my friends.

Can't you make me a star?

Honey, one month from now, I'm going to be out of the business. Wiped out.

Finished. And if Vito doesn't have me floating down the Hudson in a... pair of

concrete water wings by then I'll consider myself lucky.

But I don't want to be a star for just anybody, Sherman.

I want to work for you.

Ah, you two make me sick.

You want to work for me?

Then I've got to stay afloat.

Do you think you can use some of your mental powers to help me stay on the

Maybe. And I am willing to do anything I can. That is, if you're convinced I've

given up my allegiance to the CIA.

I'm convinced.

Now, the first thing we've got to do is get back on the air somehow.

I can't stall Vito much longer.

Who is it? Come in.

Did you get everything?

I think so.

Nobody saw you going into my apartment.

No. Look.

I don't understand what all this cloak and dagger stuff is all about, anyway.

The new CIA's resources are almost as extensive as the old.

Whenever one of their operatives just disappears without formal resignation or

debriefing, they get nervous. They'll come looking for me, I know. So I'll lay

low here until I can figure out what to do.

Alice, thanks for this stuff.

Don't mention it.

Here. Who is it?

SPSS, Maintenance Division.

I've come to inspect your beacon cam. Just a minute.

I do. Hold on a minute.

Oh, shit.

What? What are you getting?

It's a CIA undercover man. He's come for me. Oh, my God.

Go hide the masker.

Same thing. They'll keep me waiting outside while they fix themselves up.

Listen, lady.

You've seen what I've seen with these things.

You know, the folks whacking off and all. Shit, nothing embarrasses you no

You look tired, you fellow.

It's been a long day.

Can I fix you a cold drink? Hey, what do you got? We got pure water.

Not every day you meet someone who's got that. Hey, hey, hey, terrific.

Where's your camera?

The camera's in the next room in the bedroom.

Okay.

Hey, thanks.

Hey, it tastes funny.

Nah, it's been so long since I had this stuff. What do I know?

Rostov.

Anybody home?

Yoo -hoo!

Hey, let's have a party.

Hey, little boy, I've got good news for you.

Hey, so what's with you already?

Don't mind me, Professor. I'm just a little phased at the moment.

Yeah, I understand. You're depressed. Maybe you should forget that you want to

hang yourself.

Professor, you have such a talent for cheering me up.

Well, I figured out what went wrong with the android. I figured out how to...

Eliminate the reproductive system from the model without sacrificing the

chemical hormones that make it so lifelike.

Triff. Absolutely Triff. That means we're back in business again, doesn't

Yeah, absolutely.

Positively.

$473 ,000 and $432 ,000 and $23 .4

million.

That's an approximate figure.

Well, you know... Oh, well, gee, it's good.

I was a little worried, you know, another 25 cents and we might have had a

problem on our hands. Good work. You asshole!

That's four and a half million dollars more than you said it would cost to

50 of them.

I don't believe this.

That means the market value on each of these things is going to be six million

dollars. Who the fuck in their right mind is going to spread six million

just to get laid?

Does that mean we're not in business anymore?

What do you think, you nitwit?

Don't you go liking me. You're making me seasick.

What am I yelling about?

I'm the asshole here.

I'm the one.

I'm the one who put his entire trust, his professional future, his whole life

the hands of an idiot to find the roller skates.

I should have known.

Professor, who runs around his lab in roller skates. Professor!

Oh, God!

You know, you could have helped everybody three months ago if you just

and killed yourself. Okay.

That's what makes this case so much more effective. I can't possibly fall.

Wait a minute. You say you can't fall?

No, I invented the old gyro roller skates.

It's just an idle little invention.

Idle invention?

Wait a minute. You cannot fall no matter what you do?

Yeah, that's what I've been trying to tell to you.

Professor?

Professor! Professor!

Some bull hated it.

But I loved it.

My boy, you have set a precedent in this industry.

We closed the door on you. But you, on your own initiative, made your own

And at your own expense.

And you practically forced us to look at it.

My boy, this is it. You are made.

Your film is definitely thought out.

Triff. Pardon?

Great. Fine.

Do I get to go ahead for 12 episodes?

You may start immediately.

Thank you.

Thank you very much.

I'll get to work on the first show right away.

And now, from the people who brought you The Fuckin' Suck Show.

It's Roller Babies, the fastest moving sex show on television, in which four

celebrity teams compete for big dollars, creating imaginative sex positions on

roller skates.

Now circling our studio rink is our regular celebrity couple, famed sex

Jonathan Zee and Taffy Pull, who will demonstrate for our home audience how

game is played.

Each of our celebrity teams competes for cash prizes on behalf of a home

contestant chosen at random from postcards addressed to our studios in

from our television viewers.

Each team will engage in an actual sex act for our panel of judges as they

around the rink.

Points are scored by the skaters for originality and grace in the execution

the act itself based upon the intricacy of the position chosen.

The team scoring the highest number of points will win our grand prize for the

day. Ten genuine Philly Mignon dinners and a pair of his and her jumpsuits of

100 % nylon.

All adding up to a grand prize package worth $50 ,000.

Jonathan and Taffy will now demonstrate the basic roller sex position, mobile

rear entry with woman in crouch.

This is one of the easier positions because in it, the rhythms of love

beautifully and gracefully complement the forward movement of the skaters.

Forward momentum is gained with each thrust of the man's pelvis, and

some of the other positions in which the partners must face each other are more

difficult because one of the players must move backwards.

To stay in the game, each team must engage in continuous hardcore sex

without ejaculation for a minimum of three minutes.

A team with a male partner who climaxes before the minimum time has elapsed is

immediately disqualified from further competition.

Now, let's find out who our four teams are playing for today.

Team number one is competing for Mr. Argyle Tax of Trojan Bend, Indiana.

Team number two will be playing for Mrs.

Testesterone. of Vastaferns, New Mexico.

Team number three is participating on behalf of Ms. Francois Sanouf of Split

Beaver, Pennsylvania.

And team number four is competing for Mr. E. Jackalation of Bell Hatchet,

Nebraska.

And it's 1960 -1982K, 2020, 2040 and 10 is

50, and another, and that makes three.

So that should hold you for now, and I'll give you the other $7 ,000

Oh, buddy, I can wait until you give me a check at the end of the week.

Yeah, but just remember, you need any more roller gyro stabilizers, I'll have

them ready for you by Monday.

Yeah, you know they go for $1 ,250 apiece, but for you, $1 ,249 .95.

Professor, you're a pussycat. Listen, I've got to lift off now. I'm taking

something over at Patty Hearst Memorial Stadium.

Go away, away, away.

Hold on, hold on.

I have for you something. You should be so lucky. What?

What's this?

Just the most earth -shattering discovery since the 39th Amendment

from our daily pleasures.

It's the first, 100 % guaranteed, most effective, 100 % effective

contraceptive. You should be so lucky.

Contraceptive? Yeah.

Yeah, I mean, contraceptive. As in, again, septic. As in getting back up so

swell up and look like a fresh salami.

Are you sure this works?

Naturally, I discovered it.

Well, that's amazing.

Well, that would mean... Wouldn't that mean that sex would be legal again? Of

course!

Beautiful!

Professor, if you've really done it this time, if this is really what you say it

is, then we'll be set for the rest of our very sweet lives!

Thank you, Jonathan Zee and Taffy Full. Now it's time to meet today's celebrity

teams, and here they are.

Team number one features former CIA operative Harry Stalfus, former ice

star Sonia Heine, and ever -ready film star San Ding Dong.

Team number two stars freelance artificial insemination donor DeForest

feminist rock star Connie Lindquist, and the star of Mandingo Part 7, Tyrone

Exlack.

Team number three pairs part -time gerbil breeder Clint Torres with

Sherry Jubilee.

And last but not least on team number four, sex star Annette Stockings and

physicist Dr.

Bendover. Dr.

Bendover is inventor of preparation H -bomb, or atomic piles.

And now it's time to play Roller Babies.

Team number one gets the action off to an arousing start as Sonia Honey dives

into a moving fellatio with female in crouch position with teammates standing

down.

And here's team four starting off slow with a beginner's position.

It's the same one that Jonathan and Tappy demonstrated earlier.

And oh, my goodness, look at that. Sherry Jubilee and Clint Torres are

bid for the 50 -point bonus, going right for the tricky stuff.

A male supported backward moving mobile information.

Here's team one again, still in the same position, but with some interesting

mouth action there.

Team number four, continuing the basic position.

Oh, but they're demonstrating a 180 degree spin in which Annette Stocking

us her point spread.

Team number one, continuing with a really professional suck job.

Team number four is really starting to move now, folks.

I think they're trying for the ten -point speed skating bonus.

And now Sonya's coming out of her crouch.

She looks like she's trying for a point bonus for a more difficult position.

Oh, we have an ejaculation on team three.

Sorry, Doctor. You and your limp noodle are disqualified from further scoring.

Enjoy yourself all you like, but no points.

Now Sonya's back in her crouch again.

There's the three -minute bell.

Oh, there goes Stan, and not a moment too soon.

Good work, Stan. Holding out against Sonya's oral expertise sure doesn't look

easy.

Team number four is still moving briskly.

Now in a rear entry with female bent over.

And there goes Dr. Dover.

Let's see if Annette can jack him up again for a quick recovery so that team

number four can continue to compete.

Now Sonya's taking on her other male partner, Dr. Mr. Perry Salsons.

Only 30 seconds remaining in the first quarter.

There goes Perry Stahlseth ending the first heat. The judges will tally up the

scores and will return after a short commercial message.

Sherman! Anita, hello.

I'm so glad you're here. I love this.

Forget about this. Wait till you hear what I've got to tell you. Good news, I

hope. The best.

The professor has come up with something completely new. It's going to make us

much richer and the whole world a lot happier.

But listen, I can't talk about it here. I just want to watch the show now.

Just one question, Sheriff, okay?

Shoot. How in God's name did you get the money to shoot a partisan like this?

Oh, I just made a few deals.

You really want to know?

Anita Gump Shoes, meet my new partner, Vito Corleone. That's hilarious.

But, but how?

Easy. I just made him into a fit he couldn't refuse.