All language subtitles for top.gear.s26e01.hdtv.x264-mtb

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to
an all-new series of Top Gear.

We're back
and we've been hard at work.

Yeah, and you know how we used to
get a bit big and explodey?

Well, this series we're trying a
quieter, more cerebral approach.

Nah, we're just kidding.

It's still going to be like this.

RASPY EXHAUST NOTE

- Three... - Yeah.

..two...

..one...

..go!

OK, we're up and away.

Ho, ho, ho!

♪ Let the games begin... ♪

This doesn't look good.
I'm heading on the grass.

Chris has lost control!

Jesus!

Oh!

Yee-haw!
Go! Go! Go! Go!

Ah, how smooth is that?

It feels like it wants to go over.

- Where? - Everywhere.

CHRIS GIGGLES

I can administer a wet willy.

Oh!

This is like having a child
test the rear seat.

CHRIS BREAKS WIND

It does 97mph in first gear.

Pow!

I love overtaking!

# Ain't no stopping it

# Ain't no stopping it

# Ain't no stopping it

♪ Let the games begin. ♪

You just wrecked my tuk-tuk.

Yeah, that's my bad.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK, all that coming up
over the next few weeks.

But first,
let's talk station wagons.

He means estate cars.

Now, for the last couple of years,

this has been the pick of the bunch,
the benchmark, the Skoda Superb.

Rubbish name, cracking car.

But recently, we've seen a bunch
of new contenders trying to beat

the Skoda at its own game.

So, the producers told Chris and I
to each choose our favourite

practical family station wagon.

Estate car.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

And prepare for a series
of challenges

in the land of the Viking.

CHRIS SCOFFS
Shut it.

LAUGHTER

This is Norway.

Ancient, rugged and home to some
of the world's most stunning roads.

So, when choosing a practical
family estate car to test here,

there was only one choice.

ENGINE ROARS

This is what you want.

The Porsche Panamera Turbo
Sport Turismo.

Now, I'll admit at £121,000,

it's the upper limit of the family
estate car market.

But it's pretty cool.

Yes, it's £101,000 more
than your Skoda Superb estate

but you do get a lot more
for your money.

For starters, I've got
four-wheel-drive.

I've got a twin turbo 540hp V8.

I've got it covered here.

I wonder what
Matt's going to turn up in.

He's going to hate this.

Oh, I don't believe it.

Ferrari GTC4Lusso.

RADIO: You git!

And I bet it's the V12, isn't it?

Well, yeah.

RADIO: That's a £230,000 car.

No, no, it's a £230,000
family estate.

You've cheated!

Well, technically,
we've both cheated.

I just cheated better than you.

FERRARI ENGINE ROARS

So, the Ferrari GTC4Lusso.

Quite possibly the coolest
estate in the world.

It's got a naturally aspirated
V12 engine that makes 690hp.

Or to put it another way,

an entire Skoda Superb
more than Harris's Porsche.

This is a family estate
that'll do 208mph.

And that's the kind of speed
your family will really appreciate.

"Are we there yet, Dad?"

"Are we there yet?
Are we there yet?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact,
we are, son."

"We arrived half an hour ago."

Hey, Chris, what's the 0-60 time
on that Porsche Pananarama?

It's a Panamera.

And it's 3.8 seconds.

This is 3.4 seconds.

And that'll really come in handy
on the school run.

You get an extra 0.4 seconds in bed.

And you know what else you get
for that 230 grand?

Listen to this.

FERRARI ENGINE ROARS

HIGH ENGINE REVS ECHO

Chris, I can't hear your car.
Is it switched on?

Yeah, very, very funny.

But, more to the point,

the acoustics of tunnels
are actually very, very interesting.

When your tunnel, like this one,
has an uneven surface,

that causes the sound waves
to diffract in random...

FERRARI ENGINE REVS

RADIO: Sorry, what did you say?

Stop doing that. I can't...

FERRARI ENGINE REVS

What?

ENGINES ROAR

OK, I'm sorry, I just couldn't help
but refract there.

Now, another interesting point
for you.

Did you know the firing order
of an engine has a huge effect

on how it sounds?

So, for example, this Porsche V8
has a firing order - one, three,

seven, two, six, five, four, eight.

And Ferrari's flat-plane V8
goes - one...

FERRARI ENGINE ROARS

With Norway echoing to the sound
of the world's best and second-best

estate cars, it wasn't long before
we got some local attention.

Hey, look, it's Braveheart.

No, that's a Viking.

What do you think he wants?

I don't know, he's got an axe.
Why don't you go and find out?

Hi. Morning.

Did you ever see Braveheart?

Beautifully handled.

It's from the producers.

It says, "Since you have failed to
bring sensible family estates..."

That's a matter of opinion.

"..you might as well head to
Norway's greatest driving road,

the Trollstigen."

Sweet.

That's a...

"However, since you maintain
your cars are practical..."

- Which they are. - One of them is.

"..their usefulness
will be tested en route. Now go."

All right, take it easy.

Nice axe.

ENGINE STARTS

So, we set off for the Trollstigen,

and determined to prove our cars'
practical credentials,

soon we came across the perfect
place for some in-depth testing.

Oh, yes, baby!

Now, you might be asking,

why do you need this
kind of pace in a family estate car?

Think about it, it'd be practical.

B&Q car park fills up quickly.

You've got to get in there.
You've got to grab that space.

That's why you need the Panamera.

I'm telling you, this is the way
to drop the kids off at school.

No need to park up.

Just kick it into a drift,
open the passenger door,

and the kids can just
jump, tuck and roll.

See? Practical!

Ho, ho, ho!

This four-wheel-drive
system's fantastic

because when I want traction,
the front axle comes with me

and the moment I want to slide
it around, there's a little German

brain in there that says, "Yes,
we will let you oversteer now."

TYRES SCREECH

Now, the GTC4 actually has
two gearboxes.

One for the front axle
and one for the rear...

..which means they can send power
to whichever one can use it best.

You don't get that
in a Skoda Superb.

If you'd said to me 15 years ago
I'd be sliding a large Porsche

estate car around, I wouldn't
believe they'd ever build

such a thing.

It's got a pretty good
balance to it.

I mean, it is a big car.

But the motor's just...

That was a sideways LeBlanc
and then a spinning LeBlanc.

She got away from me a little bit.

CHRIS LAUGHS

But then I discovered this
playground came with a very

unique feature.

Hey, Chris, take a look at this.

That looks quite dangerous.

Yeah, get it wrong here,
and you are getting wet.

Which gave me an idea
for an even better practical test.

OK, top speed challenge.

Fast as you can get before
you have to hit the brakes.

Loser is the one who goes slowest,
or ends up in the sea and drowns.

- You ready? - Can I just point out,
this is very unfair?

My top speed, 190mph.

Your top speed, 208mph.

Yeah, I'll go first.

You, er...
You keep an eye out for planes.

There's 100.

There's 130.

Oh, yeah!

177... I'm braking.

Brake! Brake! Brake! Brake! Brake!
Brake! Brake! Brake! Brake! Brake!

Ho, ho, ho, ho!

177 to beat.

Time for the Pananaramadingdong.

Oh! Launch control!
That's fierce!

I've got a bit
of a secret weapon here

and I've got 20 seconds of overboost
in sport response mode.

We're still hauling.
We're still hauling.

160.

165.

Brake! Brake! Brake! Brake! Brake!
Brake! Brake! Brake! Brake! Brake!

TYRES SCREECH

I wouldn't want to be
much further on than that!

How fast did you go?

First of all,
I definitely braked later than you.

That wasn't the challenge.

How fast did you go?

I think I did 165mph.

OK, that's good.

Come on!

177.

- 177?! - Yeah.

And you braked like a right wuss
as well!

I did, yeah.

You know, if you weren't so
particular about drowning,

you could have won that.

I still braked later than you.

- You did brake later than me.
- I braked later than you.

You should be proud of yourself!

So, after one round of practical
testing the Ferrari had,

well, killed the Porsche,
and Chris needed a win.

OK, let's talk Isofix.

Very important in any
family estate car. OK?

My Porsche has them.

Does your Ferrari?

Yes.

How many?

I'm going, 11.

No.

One?

Do you know what Isofix is?

No.

Who cares?

Isofix is for babies.

Tell me about the fuel
economy in that beautiful V12.

Oh, I'd say it's, er, appalling.

It's got to be around
12 miles to the gallon.

How's yours?

About double that. 24.

Double the car,
double the fuel economy.

OK, I'll give him that one.

Oh, look, the Viking's back.

Hello.

Still working that axe, huh?

RADIO: It's from the producers,
Matthew.

It's time for a boot space
challenge.

The summer solstice is traditionally
marked in Norway with a big bonfire.

You will each load your cars with an
entire tree's worth of firewood

and race to your fjord-side
cabin to build a fire.

Last to arrive fixes dinner.

So, the producers wanted
to test our boot space

and because they think they're
funny, which they're not,

when they said an entire tree's
worth of firewood,

that's exactly what they meant.

Ooh.

That is some green firewood.

I'm glad I brought a proper
estate car, then, Matthew.

One with a boot.

What do you mean?

Go and open the boot
on that Ferrari.

It's absolutely tiny.

Come on.

Look.

Check it out.

It's got room for everything I need.

Have you felt how hot
the boot floor gets?

If you put the family Labrador
in there, it would cook.

Are you done?

Well, look at the leather as well.
So expensive.

How are you going to repair that
when you drag a branch over it?

OK, Chris, on go.

Go!

CHAINSAW BUZZES

Sport Turismo boot.

Look at the size of this.
Huge, split-fold rear seats.

So, fold this one down.

Where's my button? There we go.
Fold this one down.

And then apply some science.

Look at this science now. Ready?

How long is the boot?

One, two, three paces.

How long is my tree?

Well, it's twice the size of Matt's,
obviously.

One, two, three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine.

Three pieces, I'm in. Let's go!

While Matt channelled
his inner lumberjack,

my approach was much quicker.

See you!

- Where are you going? - Loser.

You left half the tree!

That's not an entire tree's
worth of firewood!

What is LeBlanc doing?

Anyone knows that the key to doing
well in a race is not how fast

you go, it's how little time
you spend stationary.

While he's messing around
creating a beautiful log pile,

I'm moving.

His extra 160hp doesn't mean
anything here.

He's got to get it on to the surface

and I think the Porsche has
a cleverer four-wheel-drive system.

Er, well, I don't know
if all that's going to fit in there.

Oof.

He's going to turn up with
a very neatly arranged log pile

in his very small boot.

I don't know how
he plans to beat me.

Easy.

With a Schliesing 220MX.

This feels absolutely insane!

£150,000, 190mph estate car
on the loose.

I've got this nailed.

Not so fast, Chris.

Come on,
he's got to be here somewhere.

My strategy is clearly the best.

That tree in Harris's car's
never going to stay in there.

Never.

Oh! This is the most fun
way to deliver stuff.

I don't know, wood, food, children.

- But then...
- Oh, there's a bit of a jump here.

Oh, BLEEP.

I'm missing a...

Come on, Harris, where are you?

I know you're hiding.

I can smell you!

Ho, ho, ho, ho!

Oh, what happened?

Oh, just a small... Never mind.

I'll see you at the ford...
The fj-... The fj-...

I'll see you at the lake.

Let's go and catch LeBlanc.

Sloppy, sloppy, sloppy, Harris.

Come on, Mr Porsche.

We know you're just
better at everything.

Let's keep the pace up,

because he is going to be right up
my butt in no time, I know it.

I know I'm catching him.

I know I'm quicker on this surface
than him.

His car is worth £300,000,
for crying out loud.

He must be a little bit nervous.

Come on!

This looks like it's fjord-like
down here.

I'm running out of time.

Let's go. Come on.

There you are!

Ha, ha, ha!

Sloppy, sloppy, sloppy.

MATT CHUCKLES

Congratulations.

Thank you. So, 2-0 to the Ferrari.

And as the loser,
Chris had to fix dinner.

Scandinavian mystery balls.

Hey, what time's it get dark
around here?

It doesn't get dark.

- Never? - Well, around September.

Well, I'm pretty sure I'm going
to need to sleep before September.

- You got any more of those
interesting facts? - Oh, yeah.

IKEA's naming strategy. OK?

So, bookshelves,
coffee tables, now,

they're named after Swedish places.

Yeah, that'll do it. Keep talking.

OK, OK.

And, this is the really clever bit.

- Yeah. - You'll love this.

I'm dying.
I'm on the edge of my seat.

Hall furniture and beds.

Now, they're named after
Norwegian places...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And we will pick up that story
a little later in the show.

Now, here's a little game
we play in the office sometimes.

Imagine you've got £100,000 to buy
two new cars to cover all bases.

What do you go for?

OK, well, you've got to go
practicality and performance.

So, I'm thinking Volvo XC90
and a Lotus Elise.

OK, good. But wrong.

Because I've got a much,
much better answer.

Rugged wilderness.

Great driving roads.

Practical urban living.

For £100,000, picking just two cars
to handle everything Britain

has to offer isn't easy.

But I have found the answer.

What you need
is a £15,000 Suzuki Ignis.

And that's it.

Save the rest of your 85 grand
because this is two cars in one.

I mean, it's all the cars in one.

This car does everything.

Bombing around town, tick.

Looking great while
bombing around town, tick.

Charging both my phones
while looking great,

while bombing around
town, tick, tick, tick.

It is quite literally the solution

for anything that Britain
can throw at you.

I mean, come on,
you can't drive two cars anyway.

And with the Ignis you don't
have to nip home to change it

when the open road beckons.

Although, admittedly,
it's not what you'd call quick.

It uses a 1.2 litre engine,
which makes, I don't know,

several horsepower.

It does 0-60 in under 12 seconds
and tops out at 103mph.

But let's be honest, if your 100
grand garage has some 150mph sports

car, you're going to end up spending
even more cash on speeding tickets.

But in the Ignis, it's basically
impossible to get a speeding ticket.

Don't quote me on that,
especially in a court of law.

And in its own leisurely
old-fashioned sort of way,

the Ignis really is a joy to drive.

Look at that weight transfer,

just like you'd get
in an old-school rally car.

Five-speed manual,

same as you'd find in
an old Lambo Diablo, by the way.

Nice to see that technology
trickling down.

It's just a willing, happy,
engaging little car.

Oh, look, there's a sheep...

..overtaking me.

And when the open road runs out,
the Ignis just keeps going.

It's light, it's tough,
it's got good ground clearance,

and most importantly,
it's got four-wheel-drive.

Look at that. Honestly, this thing,
it just skips over the bumps.

It's smooth.

Oh! So smooth!

And of course, if you spend 60 grand
on an off-roader, you don't actually

want to take it off-road
in case you scuff it.

If you spend 15 grand
on an off-roader,

you don't mind getting
it dirty. You know?

Even a bit dented.
That's what it was made for.

But the biggest advantage
to only spending 15 grand

on your perfect £100,000 garage?

It leaves you with
loads and loads of money

to spend on whatever you want.

Check it out.

So, I've bought this watch.
Huh? Yeah.

I mean, I've already got a watch.

But I figured,
why not have one on each wrist?

Brow.

Thank you.

Oh, I also bought a towel man.

I didn't even know that was a thing.

He's very good.

Discreet.

Bit bumpy. Sorry, Dimitri.

You know, maybe it's Dimitri's
steaming mint-scented towelette

talking, but honestly, this really
is all the car you'll ever need.

Your Range Rovers and your Cayennes
get bigger and bigger year on year.

You know what doesn't get bigger?

British countryside.

It's staying the same size.

It has done for years.

The Ignis just fits Britain.

There is nowhere
this car cannot go.

And so I give you, the Suzuki Ignis.

My answer to
the perfect 100 grand garage,

complete with a lot of change
to spare.

Will you start the fans, please?

I have always wanted to do this.

RORY LAUGHS

Oh.

Thanks.

Ah, it's from the producers.

It says, "You think your tiny city
car can handle anything?

"Time to prove it. You will drive
to the top of Gurlet Hill."

Which one's that?

That one up there.

- What, that? - The big one.

No, no, that's a mountain, mate.

Apparently, not quite.

At 1,998 feet,

Gurlet Hill falls just two feet
short of mountain status.

And if I could transport two feet's
worth of rocks to the top of it

I would have the honour of
christening Britain's

newest mountain.

Oh, yes!

I like it!

If ever there was a test
for my mini off-roader, this was it.

So I equipped the Ignis with
a smattering of off-road gear

and steeled myself
for the solo ascent.

All right, Ignis, me and you
versus the wilderness.

HORN BEEPS

Hi, buddy!

Sabine, what are you doing?

Beating you to the top
of the hill.

Yes, to make things interesting,

the producers had invited along
some competition.

A ruthless German driving the
reigning champion of the baby SUV

world, the Fiat Panda cross.

OK, bring it!

Oh, jeez, Dimitri, sorry, mate.
Get out, yeah? Towel time's over.

Thanks, buddy. Thanks.

OK, here we go.

Three...

..two...

..one..

..go!

Woo!

Come on, Ignis!

Reid is in the lead!

River!

Aaah!

Mount Ignis or Mount Panda?

Woohoo!

To the mountain!

To claim the name we'd have to
climb over 1,000 vertical feet

up the slopes of Gurlet Hill's
muddy, rocky, moorland terrain,

and that meant the key was to find
a route our cars

could actually handle.

I need a turning, I need a turning.

OK, bye, Rory!

She's gone.

Go, little Panda!

I'm taking this one. Here we go.

Here we go.

I hope this is the way.

Already attacking
the lower slopes...

Second gear!

..Sabine had found herself
a rough but open climb.

Woohoo!

I, on the other hand, was borderline
trespassing through someone's farm.

Which way? Which way? Through here.

Here we go!

A gate? A gate?

But to turn this hill into
a mountain, we each needed the rocks

to do it and the farmer
had kindly left me a ready supply.

Making a mountain!

Sabine, meanwhile...

I need rocks!

Oh!

..had her own approach.

Sorry, Panda!

Ugh!

One...

That's for my Mount Panda!

Yeah!

Rocks aboard, it was time to leave
the lower slopes behind

and make a break for the wide open
moorland that led to the summit.

Oh, my God, that thing's massive!

Wide open moorland, which, it turned
out, could only be reached

through one narrow gate.

- Oh, there's Sabine!
- SABINE LAUGHS

No!

Aaahh! She's got in front of me!

Come on, Ignis!

Now well on our way to the
top of the hill,

our intrepid little off-roaders
would have to tackle terrain that

would test even the biggest
and toughest 4x4s.

And the Panda was in trouble.

She's stuck! Come on, baby!

No, no, no, no! Don't get stuck.
Don't get stuck. Do not get stuck.

Do not get stuck. Come on, come on!

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

That's not fair!

- Come on! - Yeah! We're moving!

HE LAUGHS

And she's not!

Oh, I'm too heavy!

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Oh, I have found me a trail.

Leaving Sabine bogged down,
the Ignis

and I could make a break for it.

Oh, no! Panda.

And forced to ditch weight to get
herself moving...

This trail is a disaster.

..while Team Panda had some serious
catching up to do...

Come on, Panda! Yee-ha!

Go, go, go, go!

..Team Ignis were making
effortless progress... ish.

Yeah, I know that looks bad,
but it's...

Hang on!

Yes, the climb was punishing
both our cars.

HE GRUNTS

No!

But despite punctures...

I don't need you any more.

..and a few knocks...

Argh!

..OK, a lot of knocks -
they kept pushing forward,

and best of all,
the Ignis was still in front.

Gurlet Hill wasn't done yet.

With 440 feet left to climb,

I reached a towering ravine
and the steepest part of the ascent.

Holy...
Oh, I might need help with this.

Luckily, I had just
the tools for the job.

Land anchor!

Yes! The automotive equivalent
of an ice pick and a climbing rope.

I saw this on YouTube once.
Can't be that hard.

There's a lot you can learn
off the internet.

- REVVING
- We are moving! We are moving.

All right. Next leg. Oh, yeah.

The winner was going to have to
haul themselves to the top.

And already,
three winch lengths in... Sabine!

..I had a massive lead.

For a minute.

Yeah! Get out of my way! Yeah!

- No, no! - Yeah!

- No!
- SHE LAUGHS

How did you get up here?

I'm in the lead!

- But thankfully, the Panda could
drive no further. - Oh-oh!

It was Sabine's turn to start
winching.

And with the summit now just 37
land anchors away...

Get off my car, get off my car!

..so began the slowest drag
race in history.

Welcome to Top Gear,
where a small Fiat

and a small Suzuki are driving very
slowly up a hill.

We inched our cars higher
and higher.

Until eventually - like, really,
really eventually...

She's gaining, she's gaining.

..we made it to the top of the
ravine.

Come on, come on.

And with just the last short
dash to the summit left...

I'm coming, Rory.

..it was go time.
Oh, we're motoring now, baby.

There's the summit. I can see it.

That's what I'm talking about.

Come on, Ignis.

OK, little Panda. Full power.

Come on, baby. Come on, baby.
Come on. Come on!

Ah! Argh!

- Not now. - Rory, I catch you!

Oh, stuck!

Woo, hoo, ooh! Oh, yeah!

- No, no! - Bye-bye!

Argh!

- Yeah! - No!

See you later, alligator!

I'm not letting her win.
I am not letting her win.

Maybe if I go backwards?

Yes, yes! It's working.

Come on! Up the hill.

Yes! I found a route!

Ooh!

HE LAUGHS

I need another plan!

No, no, no. I need a miracle.

Ha-ha! Woohoo!

I'm nearly there!

Yes, Sabine and the Panda had
reached the summit.

Woohoo!

Little Panda.

INDISTINCT

Yes! Oh!

But as she staked her claim
for Britain's newest mountain...

Ta-dah!

Mount Panda!

..there was one last ray of hope
for the Ignis.

That's not two feet.

I'm on top of my own mountain!
Mount Panda.

Hang on a minute.

What's wrong?

You do realise we are
supposed to build

an extra two feet
on top of this hill

in order for it to be a mountain?

Oh, man. Come on. You don't want to
lose. You're a bad loser.

- Oh, no, no, no, no. We've got...
- You are a bad loser.

No, we have to do this properly,
otherwise, it's not a mountain.

Yeah, no problem. Look.

Oh-oh!

- It's 19.5 inches. - Aw!

- It's not enough. - OK.

It's not a mountain.

Sabine was 4.5 inches short.

Come, give me your rocks.

I'm not sure you understand how this
works. We're not a team.

- We are competing against each other.
- No, no.

But with negotiation skills that
would put Brexit to shame...

- Mount Igna. - Igna? No, no, no.
Panda must be the first letter.

It's not my fault you didn't
collect your rocks.

We agreed to raid the Ignis
for a little extra altitude...

- I can't believe I'm actually
helping you win. - Yes.

..and settled on a result.

- 38 inches. - Yes. - That's a mountain.
- Yes!

Britain's newest
mountain would be named...

- That is Mount Pagnis.
- Pagnis! - Come on!

THEY LAUGH

- Woohoo! - Mount Pagnis!

THEY LAUGH

That was exhausting.

Can I have a lift down?

- Sure. - All right. - Your car's BLEEP.

THEY LAUGH

APPLAUSE

OK, OK.

Sabine may have won, but credit
where credit's due -

that was genuinely impressive.

Yeah, you know. Build a mountain
with my bare hands. No big deal.

In my house, we call that Tuesday.

Yeah, except you didn't actually
build a mountain, did you?

Well, er, kind of ish...

Mmm...

What did the people from the
Ordnance Survey say? Come on.

They said stop phoning us.

- LAUGHTER
- And...?

Well, they said that dumping
a bunch of rocks in a spare

wheel on top of a hill doesn't
officially make something

a mountain. Like they'd know!

What was the exact phrase they used?

- Fly-tipping.
- LAUGHTER

Matt?

OK, now it's time to put
a Star In A Reasonably Fast Car.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome
star of X-Men, 30 Rock

and Westworld, James Marsden.

APPLAUSE

Yeah!

How are you, sir? OK, OK.

INDISTINCT

Welcome to the show. Thanks
for coming all the way from LA.

This is cool, man. This is a show
I've watched for ages

and now I'm sitting here with you
guys, it's pretty damn cool.

Because you've always been a car
guy, right?

I mean, I... Yeah. I guess every guy
is, like, "I love cars," but to me,

I grew up in Oklahoma in a pretty
rural part of Oklahoma City,

and was driving when I probably
shouldn't be driving. 14.

We sort of have it backwards there.

We can drive at 16 but you have to
wait to 21 to drink.

I think it sort of should be
reversed,

but I was driving back
rural roads on,

you know, gravel roads in my mom's
'78 Oldsmobile Cutlass,

figuring out what oh, counter steer
is. "Oh, this is fun!"

- Yeah, some of my best times were in
a car. - Doing crazy stuff?

Yeah, some incriminating things,
actually, I think.

Hopefully the statute of limitations
is past, but I was...

- Yeah, we're a small island off
Europe. It doesn't matter here.
- Yeah, bring it!

Great. Well, I won't go back to the
States! I'll stay here.

No, my buddies and I,
once I got, you know,

you get your licence
and then you're off.

Like, if you're lucky
enough to have a car,

but we, um, we were
so bored during the summers,

we would look through the classified
ads for cars for sale,

and we would target cars that were
just two seaters,

in the hope that the owner would be,
like, "You boys go take it for a
test drive."

And we would take these cars
and learn how to drive them -

a manual gearbox, and, you know,
find puddles and right-hand turns

and let the tail-end go out
and, you know, bring the car back.

And they'd trust you to do that?

80% of the time, yeah.
And we'd bring it back.

We'd sort of dress up nice and be,
like, "Mmm. I don't know.

"We have to take it for a spin."

You know, some 16-year-old!
But, um...

They couldn't have been great cars!

- Well, it was like RX-7s,
and, you know, and... - Really?

Any car that slides is a great car.
You know that?

- This is true, yeah, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah. I think we took out
a 928 once. Er, yeah. Yeah!

- We wouldn't thrash them, obviously,
but we would... We would thrash
them. - Yeah, exactly!

That's not the craziest thing you
and your buddies did, is it?

Like I said, there wasn't a lot
going on in Oklahoma during the

summers, so we would get bored,

and we had this game
we played where, if you, like,

the Vulcan neck pinch, where if you
pinch one of your buddies' neck, no

matter what they were doing, they'd
have to stop what they were doing.

So at speed sometimes,
high speeds occasionally, we would

think it would be funny to come
up behind the driver

and pinch his neck, and
if that happened, you had to stop,

like, even going 100mph,
you'd just drop.

LAUGHTER

And then the friend in the passenger
seat, "Take the wheel,
take the wheel!"

By the way, I don't... I don't
condone this behaviour

or encourage this kind of behaviour
at home, or anywhere else.

I do. That sounds like fun!

All right, let's take a look
at your training lap with Chris.

How did that go out there?
What do you think?

It was... I don't know. You tell me.
I don't remember it.

I'm not good at doing two or three,
what, three things at once.

You were a heady combination
of nerves, ambition, terror

and sitting on the wrong
side of the car.

That was... I don't want to...
I don't want to look for any
excuses, but that did...

- It's a tough gig. - That stymied me.

But I could tell from the start
that there was talent there.

So let's see it.
Come on, let's see it.

- All right, let's take a look. - All
right. Don't build me up too much,
Buttercup!

LAUGHTER

James,
welcome to the Top Gear test drive.

Thank you very much.
Thanks for having me.

- I know that you're...
- I'm not nervous.

I know you've wanted to come
here for a while.

I have been, yes. I've been...

The last 10 years of my life,
I've been watching this show

and seeing you guys kicking butt
the last couple of years.

I've always thought - you know,
you always think,

"I'm a competitive person,"
so you look at the leaderboard,

and you want to be atop it.

I'm hoping I can get up there,
but I'm also realistic about my...

Before we've even started,
you're telling me

you want to be at the top
of the leaderboard!

- Did I say that?
- Yeah. But that's the challenge, OK.
- That may just be jet lag.

- That might alter my behaviour. Let's
get going. I'm going to push you.
- All right.

- Go. Give it some beans.
Give it some beans! - All right! - Go!

Push me. But I need you to push me.

Third gear. Don't... Don't shift
till that red light comes on.

- All right. - Wait for the red.

Wait for the red light. There you
go. Let her sing.

Do you do any of your own stunt
driving or not?

- Er, clearly not!
- Yeah, you'd be good enough.

- Ah, there's the grass!
- Oh, he's using all the track!

- And what are you going to do before
the tyres? - Brake in second.

- You are. - Did I get it?
- No, that's fourth.

BLEEP.

That's second. Yes!

Round to the right-hand side.

Whoo! Come on, let's let them
loose a little bit.

Did you see those snakelike
reactions on the oversteer? Amazing!

- Good, good. - Second? Third?
- Third. - BLEEP.

Round to the left, round to the
left. Leave it in third.

Leave it in third.
That's good. You can carry third.

Get the clutch out, get the clutch
out. Don't dip the clutch there.

Hammerhead,
the notorious Hammerhead.

The notorious Hammerhead.

Does it look as glamorous as you
thought it would?

Er, it...! I didn't see it go by.

This is good. Flat down, flat down,
flat down. I can see that foot.

Get that foot in that footwell.

Fourth gear. That's good. Woohoo!

Jesus,
this feels like it's going to roll.

OK. What's the fastest you've
been in a motor car until now?

Um, what? 140mph.

- On the track or on the road?
- In a 1979 Camaro.

- Brake, brake, brake! - Third, break.
- That's good, that's good.
That's good.

What's your favourite
car in a film ever?

Er, favourite car in a film. We're
going off the track here.

- Talk and drive, talk and drive. - Oh,
I can't...! The Judge, The Judge!

The Judge! The Judge! Over the line.
That's good. OK, let's stop there.

Let's stop there.

- Talking of driving... - It really is,
like, can you do four things at
once?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's that, it's that one, isn't it?

It is, man.

APPLAUSE

Good. I don't remember any of that.

- I was so... I was so calm.
- He's very distracting.

Yeah, you asked me
what my favourite car in a film was.

I was, like, "What's a car?"
I don't know what a car is!

- Well, I'm...
- I was just trying not to die!

My job is to coach you and distract
you. It's quite a strange role.

- Oh, well, you achieved that.
- CHRIS LAUGHS

OK, let's get back to cars. At the
start, what was your first car?

Er, my very first car was
a 1986 Pontiac Firebird.

Um, it was a V8 350hp V-8
that was...

all power to the rear wheels
and, you know,

it was easy to let things slide
into kerbs, which I did frequently.

I was 16 when I had it,

so I thought it would be cool to
call it the Lovebird.

- Ooh! - Yeah, yeah. It wasn't that
cool. It turns out...

It turns out that was one of the
reasons why I didn't have a
girlfriend! Um...

And then after that,
how did you replace the Lovebird?

I graduated in '91, dating myself,

- but I was given as a graduation gift
a '91 Honda Accord, like, burgundy.
- Ooh!

- Yeah. - And did the love life improve,
or...?

- I got sensible and boring. - Yeah.

- Not as much spirit or soul as the...
- No.

The Lovebird. But, er,...

But then you had another Accord,
right, after that?

- I did, yeah. It sounds like I loved
the Accord, but when I decided...
- Ooh!

- That one's nice. I like that one.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I always love it when you take
a sensible, dependable car,

and sport it up with louvres or
a spoiler like that.

But louvres actually mean
something in your country,

cos you have sun.

We had louvres in the '80s,
but we didn't have the sun.

- I don't understand why we had them.
- What, is that...?

I still do this day don't know
what they're used for.

- Is it just for blocking sun out?
- Downforce, mate.

- Artificial downforce. - Downforce.

Yeah, yeah. And getting chicks!

I mean, look at that baby.

Probably be quite helpful for BLEEP
as well. If you look at it...

LAUGHTER

But I drove to LA
when I decided to be an actor.

I moved in '93 to LA and I drove
out in that car, listening to Don

McLean's American Pie on a loop,
trying to remember the lyrics.

You know, the Firebird was
fun for a while,

but that was, like,
the sensible car.

So you have actually owned a couple
of British classics, haven't you?

I had a little patch where my son
was getting into cars.

He was seven, eight, maybe nine,
something like that, so I was, like,

let's get an old classic and sort
of share working on it with him.

There was a little car show nearby
where we lived at Bob's Big Boy -
like, a diner.

- I've been there, I've been there.
- You've been there, yeah.

- You two go to a place
called Bob's Big Boys? - Yeah.

- No, no. No. Bob's Big Boy.
- Oh, Big Boy. - It's a burger joint.

- Being singular doesn't make it
any better, Matt!
- LAUGHTER

Bob's Big Boys has a whole other
meaning, doesn't it?

Um, yeah, so I bought a 1960...

I think it was a 1964 MG Midget,
in, like, British racing green

and I like to buy cars
that make me look bigger.

LAUGHTER

Obviously!

And then, after that,

- I had a '67 Austin Healey BJ8 3000
for a little while. - Oh!

Another British racing green,
a little darker,

but I couldn't afford the
Jag E-type, so I went for the, er...

- All right. - I went for the Healey.

I think it's time we take
a look at your lap out there.

- What do you think? - Do we have to?
- You've flown a long way to do this.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah. I've waited many
years to try this out.

It always looks easier
when you're watching TV.

Was it easier without him
screaming at you,

- asking you dumb questions
all the time? - No offence, but, yes.

LAUGHTER

- Let's take a look. Come on. - Hey.

Off the line.

That's a good start, James.

# Just some good ol' boys

♪ Never meanin' no harm... ♪

Urgh, late brake here!

OK, enough of the Dukes of Hazzard.

What's the line like?
The line is good.

Looks like them Duke boys
are up to no good!

Now, this was the one you were
struggling with earlier.

Braking, that's good.
Second gear now.

What's the line like here?
That's pretty good.

Running wide there to let
the car build speed.

We're going to need a faster car!

You didn't say that
when I was in there, did you? Third.

Come on, you BLEEP!

Fourth. Braking, this looks good.

Lot of roll on the car,
roll is good, roll equals speed.

You sort of V'd the corner off
a bit there.

Now you're still getting wide
and carrying speed.

Now, the Follow Through.

Aagh! That's first!

It's in there.

Damn!

Damn having to shift
with the left!

Very good costume drama
English accent.

Through the Follow Through,
that looked faster.

Can't pick my nose with my left
hand, much less find third gear!

Brake lights...
Not even a hint of brake lights.

- HE SCREECHES
- Don't know what that noise was.

Let you off slow...

Like the raptor in Jurassic Park!

Second to last,
through, using all the track.

No idea what gear I'm in,
cos I'm using my left hand...

- Gambon, what's he going to be like?
- ..not my right!

Big flourish over the line.
That was fast!

- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
- That looked fast.

Like the car... Like the car,
it looked reasonably fast.

- I think that looked pretty quick.
- Where would you like to be?

I would love to be sub 1.40,
but I'm not sure I broke that.

- Sub 1.40? Yeah, might be too...
- He's aiming high!

Maybe sub 1.44, how about that?

Sub 1.44?!

I don't know, is that good or bad?

Oh, sorry, sorry, sorry.
Sub 1.50.

LAUGHTER
No, no, the other way,
the other way, up!

Oh, the other way, up! All right.

I mean, that's where
you want to be, right?

You want to be right at the top,
I think.

No, I feel like, you know,
I'm cosy right there in the middle.

Can you just read out the time?!

LAUGHTER
All right.

James Marsden,
you went around our track

in one minute...

Phew!

..30...

- AUDIENCE: Ooh!
- Happy there.

- ..9...
- Ooh!

- ..flat.
- OK!

- That's good. - I'll take that.

- That is good.
- That is a great effort.

Well done.

Do I get a handicap for setting
off with the right hand driving?

- That was good, that was really good.
- I'll take it. - Yeah. - I'll take it.

Ladies and gentlemen, James Marsden!

- Thank you. Good to see you.
- Good job! - Have a good one.

I like that guy.

OK, now it's time
to get back to Norway,

where, as you'll remember,
Chris and I were testing

a pair of practical, everyday
family station wagons...

Estate cars.

OK! ..from Porsche and Ferrari.

And we were closing in on one
of Europe's greatest driving roads,

the Trollstigen.

A few hours later,
we got back on the road.

And stats man Harris was still
rolling out the facts.

Do you know why Bluetooth
is called Bluetooth?

No, but I suspect
that I'm about to find out.

It's named in honour
of King Harald Bluetooth.

Now, Harald was
a 10th-century Viking king,

famous first of all for having
blue teeth because he ate

so many blueberries, but also
for uniting the nations of Norway

and Denmark - the way that
Bluetooth unites different

wireless technologies into one
universal standard.

No way.

How good is that?!

Awesome.

In my defence,

we did have a lot of ground to cover
to reach the Trollstigen.

But if Matt didn't want to learn -
fine.

On a long drive, there's plenty more
to keep you occupied in the Porsche.

Massage seats.
I'm going to go shiatsu. Yeah!

Wow, this sort of
touch panel thing here,

this is really cool,
the touch panel thing.

I like the steering wheel, though.

I like these, these are nice.

Ohhh!

Yes, baby!

Hey, Chris, you know
what I don't get about my car?

It used to be called the FF,

but now Ferrari have renamed it
the GTC4Lusso.

What was wrong with
good, simple Ferrari FF?

- Well, what did it actually mean?
- Ferrari Four.

Four seats, four-wheel-drive.

So it was the Ferrari Ferrari Four?

No, no, the Ferrari Four.

But that would just be
the Ferrari F.

No, the second F is for four.

The Ferrari F-Four?!

But before we could conclude
this important debate,

we had arrived at Norway's
greatest driving road.

Oh, my God, look at that!

Yeah. Wow!

The Trollstigen.

Climbing 850m
up a wall of solid rock,

this narrow
switchback ribbon of tarmac

is as challenging
as it is spectacular.

Before we could attack it, though,

we were greeted by an old friend.

Oh, boy.

- Look who's back. - Yeah.

Why isn't he wearing
one of those helmets with horns?

No, Matt, actually,

the idea that Vikings all wore
horned helmets is total nonsense.

There's no evidence for it
whatsoever.

- Well, we should probably...
- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.

"Welcome to the Trollstigen."
Thank you.

"You will now demonstrate
your estate's people-carrying

"credentials by giving some
typical Norwegians a lift.

"To win, load your passengers
on board

"and reach the top of the valley
in the fastest time.

- "A special prize awaits." - Ah!

Tre, to, en... Go!

Come on! Get a move on!

In a winner-takes-all
final challenge,

we would have to get a car
full of BASE jumpers

to the top of the Trollstigen.

Go!
OK, come on, get in, get in, get in!

Fastest time wins.

Ready?

Oh, what a motor, huh?
You like that?

Come on, Porsche! We can do it.

Oh, so much power!

TYRES SCREECH

I'm sure you're all very,
very impressed by the power

and the grip of
the Panamera Sport Turismo, yes?

Did you see that?!
You guys are nuts!

You just smash the throttle open
and it goes.

Come on, LeBlanc,
put your foot down.

Got to beat Joey!

It's got power everywhere!

Sprint to the end!

And across the line...

- Yes! - Yay!

OK, there's the finish line, great.

How great was that road?!

- Very, very great. - Thanks, guys.

- Nice bunch of guys, huh? - No, they're
not normal, or they? - No, no.

- They're not normal. I mean,
they're going flying in suits. - Yeah.

Most people use a plane.

It's our friend again.

How did you get up here so quick?

OK, these are the times.

"Matt LeBlanc, you did it in
three minutes and 13 seconds."

That's a good job.

"Chris Harris, you did it in...

.."two minutes and 45 seconds."

Yes, yes!

"The winner may now collect their
prize from the boot of their car."

- What is it, like, a Fortnum & Mason
hamper? Goodies? - I don't know.

A bit of booze?

Oh, no.

That's a wingsuit!

It'll be fun,
you're going to love it.

HE CHUCKLES

- There's two wingsuits there.
- Really? - Yeah.

All right. I'll jump if you jump.

- Really?! - Well, how hard can it be?

I mean, it's just...
falling.

If I do this,

you promise you'll jump?

I promise!

Come on.

OK. One, two...

No, wait, wait, wait. Is it one,
two, three, or one, two, three, go?

- One, two, three, go! It always is.
- OK, all right! - Get on with it!

All right. OK.

One...

..two, three...

..go!

I can't believe he did it!

Wow!

CHRIS SCREAMS

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Ohh!

Luckily, he landed in an eagle's
nest and it adopted him

and fed him all summer.

Can I just point out,
though, that earlier on,

I presented a 15-grand Suzuki
that could do anything,

and now you guys are telling people
to buy a Ferrari

or a Porsche for six figures,

instead of a perfectly good
Skoda Superb that does everything?

Rory, Rory, this is Top Gear,
so, yeah!

Yeah, we're not saying they should
buy a Ferrari or a Porsche,

we're saying
they should buy the Porsche.

No, no, we're not saying that. We're
saying they should buy the Ferrari.

So, you went to Norway

and then didn't even decide
which was the best car?

- Yeah. - Yeah. - Right.

We're here to help!

And on that conclusive note,
we must end the show.

Thank you so much for watching.
We'll see you next week. Goodnight!