Original subtitles

I had him.

I had him dead to rights!

But you didn't want him dead to rights, Herr Starr.

You wanted to make him suffer.

Yes?

So...

let's make him suffer.

I want to carve a vagina onto his head.

I think that falls under the category of "suffering."

A vagina!

All due respect, My Lord.

But what is it that you want?

Yeah.

The great question of the universe...

Well, for one thing, what I want...

is to know how my Child is doing.

Jesus is expected soon.

He is representing Heaven at the conference...

Not him. The other one.

The funny one.

The one you call... "Humperdoo."

Oh, yes.

Well...

that's a nickname, a term of affection...

How is he?

Thriving under your care, I trust.

Good.

I saw him just this morning.

High spirits as always.

Good.

God, I love that kid.

Yes, he's, uh... something else.

He's integral.

To all of it. To everything.

Yes, of course.

Do your part, Allfather,

and you will earn your long-lost reward...

Visage pristinus.

Handsome and unsullied.

That's what you want, yes?

Your looks back.

We're going to carve a vagina...

into Jesse Custer's soul.

His soul?

Have faith, Allfather.

My Great Design is at work,

and it's going to be beautiful.

This is Captain Steve from the cockpit.

We've hit some... I'm not sure what this is.

Please take your seat,

fasten your seat belts and tray...

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Well, that was lucky.

That the best you got?

"Do you know what you look like to me,"

with your good bag and your cheap shoes?

"You look like a rube."

You're in a new mood.

Yeah, well, nothin' like a nice walk to lift the spirits.

Or a roll, if you will.

Vampire coming up. Three minutes.

Copy that.

- Hold, please. - What's this?

Emissary just arrived.

No shit. Which one?

Heaven or Hell?

Shit.

Not Heaven.

Did you see... Should've taken a picture.

Hoo, boy, eh?

Goose pimples, right?

Now, listen. Now, that is true evil.

Not some make-believe Chianti-cannibal movie shrink

who's supposed to be scary

'cause he can "get into your mind."

Nah, old Adolf, when he wanted to get in your mind,

he just cracked your skull open and took it.

Am I right?

Oh, what's this shit now?

Yo!

Hey!

Where they at?

- Who? - Who. Ah, you're funny.

Where'd they go?

Oh, you mean the guard fellas?

- Yeah. - Yeah, I killed them.

Did you now? With what? Your smart mouth?

I picked the lock with an angel feather,

then I snapped their necks

before they had a chance to scream.

Let me tell you, get your funny out now.

'Cause when we get to Bensonhurst?

Ain't nobody gonna be laughing.

Oh, shit!

Where you goin', Frankie?

What are you doin'?

No! Come on! Not like this!

Not like this! Not like this!

No! No!

Noooooo!

Oh-ho! This ain't right.

Frankie, Frankie, Frankie, listen to me.

Frank! Settle down.

The lambs are about to stop screamin'.

Huh?

Sorry for the holdup there, gents.

Vampire comin' up in three minutes.

Buddy, we're dead!

We're not going to die! Trust me!

Hitler was wrong!

What?!

Hitler was wrong!

We just survived the plane crash without a scratch!

It's a miracle!

You think now an itsy-bitsy little bit of rain

is gonna stop us?

No, siree! We're lost at sea!

Unregistered flight, no transponders, no instruments.

Compared to a West Texas thunderstorm,

this ain't nothin'!

We just gotta stay positive.

Oh, man.

What's the point? We're just gonna die anyway.

We're gonna get to Australia, one way or another,

so cut your whining!

And be positive!

You're right!

Then what the heck are we gabbing here for, huh?!

Let's bail!

You just gonna sit there shampooing your hair,

or you gonna toss some water?

- Christ! - Attention, rail personnel,

the incapacitating pressure point class

is starting in five minutes.

Where is she?

She who?

You know who. Tulip.

Well, I've known a few Tulips in my time.

And a handful of Daisys and a single Rose.

Which Tulip might you be lookin' for?

The stupid one.

She blew off her boyfriend and came back here.

I'm bettin' for no good reason than to save your bony ass.

Why would she do that?

Like I said, she's really stupid.

You're right.

She's super stupid.

But I haven't seen her.

You, mop up Frankie.

The rest of you, let's get him back downstairs.

Rail personnel, any harvesting teams,

you have a 20-minute window to retrieve your organs.

You.

Come with me.

Make sure those are tight.

Don't want our bait wriggling off the hook.

You call this tight?

I can still feel me fingers, boys.

Ah.

Not for long.

Now we wait.

So, how was Bensonhurst?

I can't believe she came back for me.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Wait. Who?

Tulip. Oh, blessed girl.

Oh. Never doubted her.

'Course she came back.

And she's gonna keep comin' back.

What's the problem with that?

The Emissary requires a personal valet.

Mm-hmm.

You do not look him in the eye.

You do not speak to him unless spoken to.

No selfies, no autographs.

Sir?

I just remembered.

I have a ton of work to do down in the prison area,

and my supervisor's probably freaking out as we speak.

How about I go down there and sort all that out

and then come back to the... Emissary Suite,

which sounds cool, by the way.

I just don't want to abandon my duties, sir.

So, what do you think?

I think that for over 1,900 years,

Grail disciples have sacrificed,

preparing themselves for the rewards

that will be brought forth

by this summit between Heaven and Hell.

And by the man in this room.

For anyone to refuse the honor

of playing even the smallest part in its apotheosis

would be so incomprehensible to me that I could only explain it

as... treasonous.

Right.

Hmm.

Nice.

Don't talk, don't speak, no selfies, and don't touch.

Yeah, you said that.

But if he touches you?

You should respond positively.

Hey.

Jesus.

Oh, it's not the doin', it's the tryin', I always say.

Shut your hole, Birdman! Christ!

To be free as a bird. To roost and preen and hunt.

Love bound to hatchlings as I return again and again

with regurgitated insect scraps.

Shut your hole.

Fer like a minute. I dare ya.

No problem.

How long was that?

It was like six seconds.

Felt like forever.

Where's your girlfriend? She comin'?

She's not my girlfriend.

Yeah, right. She isn't.

I can't believe she came back for me.

You almost goobered into your galoshes, my man.

It's my mate's girlfriend.

Forbidden love? The best.

It's not love, you bastard, all right?

It... It's her pigheadedness.

They've got me.

She doesn't like it, so she's comin' to get me.

And... And that's it. And they know it.

They know she's comin'.

When she does...

...well, they're gonna kill her.

That's a grievous turn of events.

Your forbidden love wandering into a trap

like a mouse to the cheese...

A trap you're responsible for setting,

if we're being honest.

What to do? What to do?

I tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna break out of these, and then I'm gonna kill you.

Oh.

Yeah.

Would you look at that sun?

93 million miles away, and you can still feel it.

Yep.

That's gonna work.

Hoo boy!

It's a good thing you told me not to bring pants.

My legs can really feel it now.

Jesus.

Where's that first-aid kit?

Yeah, first aid would be great.

An aspirin or... Or a shot of morphine, maybe,

or even a bone saw would be welcome.

Or you know what we could do?

We could... We catch some fish and...

And just fry them up on my thighs.

Let me think.

You know what? That's a good idea.

Now, thinking is like the answer to everything.

Could you be quiet? Good idea.

Yeah. Let's, uh...

Let's just take in the silence...

the sweet serenity of the sea.

Stop being positive!

Oh, my God!

Oh! Holy...

Oh, son of a...

Feel no pain!

That's so cool.

We're maybe gonna die out here, huh?

No, we're not gonna die.

Listen to me.

What's your name?

Steve. Steve.

All right, Steve, well...

you know, this whole thing, your legs, the plane crash,

it's all just a test from God.

Like the prophets of old.

He doesn't want to kill us.

He just wants to see what we're made of.

And we're gonna show Him. Okay?

What if I don't believe in God?

Well, I wouldn't blame you for that.

You don't need to believe in Him.

Just believe in me.

Okay.

I mean, you got us this far, right?

You're to be my valet.

Yeah. Uh...

Thing is, uh, I don't really know a whole lot

about, um, valet-ing, but he said they're short staffed...

Well, we're short staffed, The Grail is.

Yeah, I'm... I'm to be it.

I will be valet-ing you.

What's your name?

Marnie. Pomerantz.

I'm Jesus Christ.

W-What?

Marnie. You're in trouble.

Uh, do you mind?

Oh. Yeah.

Allfather.

Your Grace.

Masada is at your disposal.

Food court, gym, steam, sauna.

There's a chapel... somewhere.

Your counterpart from Hell has also just arrived.

I imagine... Allfather...

your ear.

It looks like...

Nothing to concern yourself about.

Surgeon assures me it's on the mend.

Ah.

Well. If there's nothing else?

You're a most gracious host, Allfather.

Do I know you?

No. Sir.

Your face is familiar.

Uh...

Maybe you've, uh... Maybe you've seen me in the food court.

No.

I know you.

Allfather.

When do I get to meet my Child?

My descendent. Flesh of my flesh.

I hear he's quite a dancer.

Oh, indeed.

Fear not, your Grace.

When the time is right,

I'm certain you will have a glorious introduction.

Until then, your Grace.

See?

You are in trouble.

Jesus is asking after "his Child."

Oh.

How are we progressing with the clone replacement?

Of course we don't even have an air date yet,

but would he be presentable?

No one can know we lost him. Understand? No one!

Of course.

I'll make sure the replacement is ready if need be.

Something else on your mind, sir?

No.

Permission to speak freely, sir.

I can't help but notice a certain...

languidness in you as of late, sir.

As your sworn confidante, I would be remiss in my duties

to not remind you that, despite these recent setbacks,

you are still the sole and sovereign Allfather.

The full force of The Grail at your disposal.

The world at your fingertips.

And from where I stand,

while things may seem at their darkest,

in my humble opinion, you are, in fact, sitting pretty.

Presentation packet on your desk, sir.

I'll leave you to it.

Sitting pretty.

Make sure you tie off the knot.

Ah.

Then...

...make the backstay tight.

Ah.

All we need now is some wind.

Ha ha!

Oh-ho.

Where the hell'd you learn how to do that?

Girl I know. She's good at this kind of thing.

Damn.

Ah, this is nothin'.

I once saw her build a land mine

out of a lawnmower and root beer.

Yeah?

All I need is a woman who knows how to iron a dress shirt

and I'll marry her. Oh, shit. Your arm!

My... My hand.

When it was dangling in the water, a shark must've...

How'd I not feel it?

'Cause I told you not to.

That's better.

I mean, it looks like it should really hurt.

Hey.

Here's the plan.

We're gonna sail to that beach in Australia.

We're gonna get a bunch of beers, a couple of nice steaks.

We're gonna sit in the sun, and we're gonna get you fixed up.

That is the plan, right?

Oh, you son of a bitch!

I see what you're doin'.

This is between me and you! Not him!

He's gonna die out here unless you cut this shit

and do somethin' right now!

What'd He say?

He said, "Soon."

Oh, good.

Sooner is probably better than later.

Sorry I lied before.

You seem like a super-nice person.

Obviously.

Well, you seem like a nice person, too, Marnie.

Actually, my name's Tulip. I lied about that, too.

I'm sorry.

I see.

Look...

I didn't mean to get you involved

in all my sh... my stuff.

So, I'm... I'm just gonna get outta here.

To your friend?

Uh-huh.

The one who's in trouble?

Maybe I can help you?

Oh, uh...

That's, like, really cool of you, Jesus, but, um...

What is it, my child?

You don't think that I can help?

This isn't a turn-the-other-cheek

kind of thing.

Okay? This is a jailbreak.

Things are gonna get ugly.

They're gonna get violent.

Possibly deadly.

Oh, my.

Yeah.

So, no, I don't think you can help.

We'll see.

I need to go to the bathroom.

- Shh! - Shh!

I'm sorry. I really need to go.

- Shh! - Shh!

- Shh! - Chill.

Shut up, man. She'll kill you.

If I knew we were gonna be here this long...

Unh!

Idiot.

What'd I tell you?

Okay. I went in my pants.

Shh!

Jesus?

Jesus.

What a pleasant surprise. Can we help you?

I'm here to bless the prisoners.

Prisoners?

This is the dungeon, yes?

You must have prisoners.

This is a dungeon, my lord. Masada has many.

In fact, there's one in the North Wing.

Mormons and pederasts. They'll be thrilled.

I'll have someone show you the way.

I want to bless the prisoners here.

This... is just a training area.

There are no prisoners here.

I said shut up!

I'm sorry. I can't let you in.

You can do anything you want, my child.

Scale mountains, cross oceans,

crawl through the eye of a needle.

You can live forever.

All you have to do is make way for me.

Jesus.

It's not gonna happen.

What?

It didn't work.

Oh, there you go.

Come on! That's it!

Pop goes the weasel.

Aah!

Aah!

You could have just untied me.

Yaaah!

Lung cancer heart disease,

being stabbed to death as I sleep by an angry ex-wife.

That's how I thought I'd...

But not in a raft...

with no hand and no pants.

I came out of a blackout once with no pants on.

Being chased by the Rodriguez Brothers.

I promise you, I'd take this situation every day.

I should've had more sex with strangers.

I mean, I had sex with a lot, but I should've had more.

I think I'm ready for this test to be over.

Soon.

I'm ready.

I've done a lot of bad things in my life.

I've been mean and selfish.

I've been married four times.

Three times for the money.

But I'm done with all that.

I believe in you now.

Save me, God.

Use your superpower and save me. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I'm not God.

But I saw what you can do.

Genesis does not work like that.

Use your power and save me. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Save me, God.

You promised I wouldn't die!

Please save me!

Promised! Do not die.

Live.

Live.

Oh, God.

Oh, God, the power.

You... You lied.

- Jesus. - It's a trap.

There are soldiers with guns and they're waiting for you.

Waiting's over.

My child, this is madness.

Please. Let's find another way.

I don't know any other way.

Worship me.

What?

Kneel.

Jesus.

Come on! What's the holdup?

Excuse us, your Grace.

Some of us have jobs.

On your feet! Let's go!

Hey. What happened?

Prisoner. He's gone.

What do you think happened here?

He got himself out.

So... what do you do now?

Get outta here, go find Cass.

He's probably half wasted somewhere already.

Then what?

Then...

Whatever the hell I want.

Can I come?

When the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable,

and the mortal with immortality,

then the saying that was written comes true...

"Death has been swallowed up in victory."

Where, O, death, is your victory?

"Where, O, death, is your sting?"

You know what?

You're an asshole.

I could get in real trouble here, sir.

Luger.

Okay, you got five minutes.

Mein gott.

Look at you.

They say you have a talent, My Lord.

But I would like to see it for myself, ja?

Huh?

Now...

Let's start with a bouncy one, shall we?

Ja?

Ein, zwei, ein, zwei, drei, vier!

Okay.

So...

Crikey!

Did you just crawl through the center of the Earth, mate?

I would've thought that was physically...