Original subtitles

Have you seen Barry?

He's washing his laundry.

Thanks Wanda.

And by laundry, I mean penis.

(Giggling)

Hey Barry.

Eliza?!

You said you would save yourself for marriage!

But baby, everybody knows blowjobs don't count.

Women.

With all this teen angst the Book of Pure Evil is

bound to show up.

Can't we just get away from the book and prophecy

for one night?

I'm gonna get so wasted.

You're gonna have to take care of me.

I never really understood the whole intoxication thing.

My brain's my best friend.

Why would I want to be removed from it?

Trust me.

The book will show up.

This is gonna be the best party ever.

What the hell is going on?

Hi Aaron.

Hannah?

What are you doing in my house?

And who are all these people?

We're here for the house party.

House party?

When my mom gets back from her vacation

she is gonna kill me.

Your mom's right over there.

Shh!

Holy shit!

What am I gonna do?

(Glass breaking)

Gotta save my granny's ashes!

What a good idea, a cup that makes beer thicker.

I feel really bad for Aaron.

I know.

He can't even see how hot his mom is.

Hey guys!

This is Nikki.

She's my girlfriend, I'm her boyfriend.

It's hot and heavy.

Hello. I'm Jenny.

Oh you're the chick Todd dumped for me.

What? Is that what he told you?

No.

So what school do you go to Nikki?

I don't.

She's a high school dropout.

Obviously.

Cool!

Where's the can?

I gotta take a shit.

Well, at least she's classy.

I know! Isn't she great?

Let's talk book business before Nikki gets back.

We don't have to hide anything from her, she's my girlfriend.

She's not in the gang, Todd.

Not yet.

I was thinking Nikki should be in the gang.

No.

She's sexy--

No.

Cute, she really likes denim.

Well it sounds like you two have a really deep connection.

Whatever.

Hey Curtis, let's go get the girls some beer.

No thank you.

I was talking about Nikki.

She loves beer.

Maybe a bit too much.

Barry.

Ahhh!

You stole my heart!

I just wanted to break your heart the way you broke mine.

(Screaming)

Thanks babe.

Barry you asshole, I need that to live!

I have infiltrated the house party, father.

Here, I will find the new young blood my society needs.

Our society atticus.

Ya, well, now that the minions are dead...

It's my society.

Atticus, you fool!

You are the school guidance counselor.

I'm not the guidance counselor, father.

I'm in disguise.

I'm Scooter!

A devil-may-care kid from the wrong side of the tracks.

Atticus, I fear for your sanity.

Why is that, father?

You're talking to an inanimate head!

Ya, well, I could argue that you're talking to me.

Scooter's ready to party!

Nikki's hot, right?

Like hotter than Jenny?

She looks like she knows a lot about sex.

Like she's done it a lot.

With a lot of different guys.

Ya, but that just means she's, like, experienced.

Oh yeah.

So have you guys gotten anywhere yet?

No man.

I'm hoping we have sex tonight because my balls cannot

get any bluer.

Really blue?

They're still ball color, they just really hurt.

So, you and Hannah done any sexy stuff yet?

She kissed me on my birthday.

Hey!

Shit!

These guys...

Aren't they a little old to be at a high school party?

Aren't you a little lame to be at a high school party?

Swamp is knee deep in booze and cooze.

Not that you guys are getting any.

Only losers don't get laid at a high school house party.

(Laughing)

Go smoke a doob.

And then get laid.

And then smoke another doob.

Losers.

Wooooo!

I like a hard-drinking man.

Watch this Wanda.

(Coughing)

Lenny the lightweight!

Oh!!

So what else can you do with that mouth of yours?

I can suck my own dick.

(Cheers)

I hate those guys, but they are right.

We have to get laid tonight.

I thought you were saving yourself for Jenny.

Jenny had her chance.

Besides, Nikki totally wants me.

And you heard those guys, only losers don't get laid at

high school house parties.

Hey, let's swear a pact,

that tonight we both lose our virginities.

But Todd, I have a girlfriend.

I meant with your girlfriend and then we could both be men.

I wanna be a man.

Tonight, we will become men!

And drunk!

You sure you don't want to talk about it?

What, I'm having a great time. This party is awesome.

Hey.

I guess I'll just treat this as an anthropological experiment.

Where's Nikki?

Let's go find somewhere more private.

Ya, wicked.

Do you want to come to the basement with me?

Yeah go ahead, it's not like we have anything better to do.

Ok.

I was being sarcastic, of course we have something better to do!

Ok guys, yep.

I'll just find the book on my own,

don't need help from you.

You guys just go enjoy exploring each other's bodies.

Ahh!

(Cheers)

Yay...

Fuck.

(Smooching)

Scram!

So, I guess, uh, we're all alone, huh.

Just the two of us.

This is probably a good opportunity for us to

make out and stuff.

Yeah, let's make out.

If by make out you mean put your bone in my O-zone.

What are we doing down here, Curtis?

I just thought we should spend some alone time together.

This is nice.

Yeah, this is sweet.

What's the hold up?

Maybe we should talk a bit first?

You know, get to know each other---

you're a horny teenaged dude and I'm a smokin' hot

high school dropout, one plus one equals fun.

Wait a minute...

(Crowd upset)

Boo!

Shut up!

For the end of the world to happen,

The Pure Evil One must do 3 things.

Number one:

The Pure Evil One needs to hold the Book of Pure Evil.

Number 2:

The Pure Evil One needs to be filled with anger

and frustration.

Number 3:

The Pure Evil One can't bear the mark of the loser

and loser means virgin.

You can't be The Pure Evil One

if you've never done the nasty. Todd!

C'mere, lover.

Take off your pants.

(Whip cracking)

I said take off your pants!

Okay.

Conquer me Todd.

Believe me Nikki I really want to but--

But?

But--

butt!

Todd!

Penis! Oh my God!

What the fuck! Get out!

I need to talk to you listen--

Get out, get out!

If you don't have sex, you can't become The Pure Evil One.

What?

Get out of here cock-blocker!

Mind your own business, washout.

Whore.

Slut.

I see what's going on here.

You do?

I finally find a girl who likes me for who I am

and you just don't want me to be happy.

I can't believe you'd make something up about the prophecy

to stop me from getting it on!

You have to listen--

get outta here!

Look at this record!

Get out!

Stop it!

Come and get me, lover.

It's penis and vagina time.

Chug, chug, chug, chug, chug, chug.

What the hell dude?

Ew!

Lightweight!

You drink a pretty good beer.

What can I say?

I've got an iron stomach.

Looks like I need some more.

(Laughing)

And then I said, oh, this isn't your present, this is!

(Laughing)

That is a great story, Mr. M.

My name's scooter, I'm from the wrong side of the tracks.

Listen, Elliot, what do you know about Satan?

I don't know anything. Tell me more.

You look like more of a pictures guy than a words guy.

Take a look at this.

Whoa!

I can relate to this.

Oh no!

We're out of ice!

(Crowd upset)

I have some ice.

(Cheers)

You're the life of the party, Mr. M.

(Yawning)

What are you doing?

I made a sex pact with Todd.

You made a pact to have sex with Todd?

What? No. No.

We made a pact to lose our virginities tonight.

But, I don't want to rush into anything.

I wanna save myself until you're ready.

I'm ready.

Look at them! They love scooter!

Mr. M! Drink.

They've accepted me into their fold.

So many new emotions.

Don't be a fool, Atticus.

Stay focused on your mission.

Come on Mr. M. Drink!

What the hell.

(Cheers)

Woohoo!

Is that one of your lady bits?

Oh boy.

There you are.

Ew!

Not again!

I'm gonna pretend I didn't see that.

Come on, we have to stop Todd from getting laid!

The fate of the world may depend on it!

Can you elaborate?

I'll explain on the way.

Come on, Curtis.

But---

Come on!

Ow!

Huge boner.

Ow.

Out of my way please!

I live here, not you!

(Volume lowered)

That's better.

Please get out of my way!

(Volume increased)

Out of the way! We have to stop my best friend from having sex!

Boooooo!

Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink, drink.

Arrrrggghhh!

Mr. Murphy?

That's scooter to you.

If you think you can mess with me, I got news for you:

I'm from the wrong side of the tracks.

You're drinking with teenagers. You disgust me, Atticus.

I'm on a mission and I'm not gonna tell you what it is.

You're gonna have to guess!

Out of the way!

You're not guessing!

We have to go!

Stupid fools.

They're too self involved to see what's going on

right in front of them.

Or behind them.

Wish I could dance like that guy.

Finally.

After all these years, lucky condom, don't fail me now.

We won't be needing this.

But what about---

What, German herpes? Don't worry lover, I'm clean.

Come on guys, this way.

Wow Lenny, you're a drinking machine.

(Laughing)

Lightweight.

Woooo!

Don't do it, Todd! Keep it in your pants!

Stay pure, not pure evil.

Put it in her bum!

What?

It doesn't count if he puts it in her bum.

Everybody knows that.

Don't do it Todd!

All eyes on me.

We're here to help!

Nikki, I just want you to know that I really care about you

and if this is---

Less talk, more cock.

Okay.

Why does love hurt so much?

(Screaming)

Full circle.

(Banging on door)

(Heavy breathing)

(Choking)

So, I guess we're not going to semi-formal.

Leonard?

(Banging on door)

(Heavy breathing)

Done?

Okay, great.

Go go go go!

I can't stop dancing.

I shouldn't have read from that book.

So, you're the new kid on the block.

What do they call you, honey?

They call me scooter.

Scooter. Yeah.

(Banging on door)

Party's over.

Hey!

Come back!

Will I ever see you again?

Call me!

Dude, did you just get pumped and dumped?

So, what was it like?

It was over pretty fast, but I guess it was pretty awesome.

So, I guess we're men now Curtis.

Yeah...

You guys didn't do it, did you?

Well, we were going to copulate but then we had to go deal with

your destiny.

You didn't about that before you had sex with that slut did you?

What are you talking about?

We have a lot to talk about.

I'm a dancing fool!

It's dancer man! I love that guy!

If you love me help me stop dancing.

(Hit by car)

See Jenny, you were worried for nothing.

The book didn't show up tonight.

Yeah I guess, you're right.

Did you hear about that guy who can suck his own dick?

Did I!

Crazy party.

You're the coolest, Mr. M.

Your Evilness, call me your Evilness.

See you at school on Monday, your Evilness.

Well father, what do you think of Scooter now?

Father?

Father!

Finally.

Party's over.

At least I got laid.

If only I could see her.

(Electric charges)

What was that?

I can't read this.

Volo videre.

I can see.

I can see!

Nice!

I had sex with a milf.

Still drunk.

Aaron, honey, what are you doing in mommy's bed?

(Screaming)

I wish I was blind.

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