Original subtitles

♪

Keep growing, little buds,

one day you're gonna get big and have babies

and they're gonna fill my lungs with love.

Jimmy! Keys to the lock-up.

Whoa, not so fast, man, you must pay a tithe

to enter the Chamber of Stuff.

Curtis, tithe.

Um--

How about these porn star cards?

Oh, what's this?

It's a transhumanist porn star.

You mean she-male?

Cyborg she-male.

Alright, I can use this. I accept your tithe.

And here--

Just keep away from the crate of snakes, please.

You got it.

Aw man, it's going to take forever

before you can smoke these.

Need I remind you, man, patience pays off.

The longer the wait, the higher the bake.

Like when Todd didn't whack off for a week

and then when he did we were like "WHOA!!!"

Hey, what are you guys talking about?

Sweet skateboard!

Look, it's even got a skeleton with a boner on it.

Cool!

Thanks, Jimmy.

See you later, dude.

Are you ready?

I was stillborn ready.

♪

Whoa! (laughing)

Todd: Kamikaze Stonehenge!

CRASH!

Yeah! (laughing)

This is why my next boyfriend's gonna be

a college drop-out, or a dude with a kid

someone, like, mature.

What in the name of goddess?!

Look at all these bottles and cans!

Pretty awesome, huh?

You could at least put them in the recycling bin,

you monsters!

Sorry, but our school doesn't have a recycling program.

I hate this school!

There's no recycling, our carbon footprint is obscene,

and the fire extinguishers are full of deadly asbestos!

None of you care about the needs of Mother Earth!

Hey, I care about the needs of Mother Earth.

Last week I found a baby bird and put it back in its nest.

Then its mother wouldn't feed it because I touched it.

CRASH!

Are you okay, Gina?

Back off!!!

It's pronounced Gyna!

Yeah, well, last week it was Gina,

and you were a meth- smoking raver, so--

Get away from me, you...!!!

Earth-rapers!

Whoa--

You all think you're so safe and secure

with your modern luxuries but just you wait!

One day Mother Earth will turn her back on you,

just like you did her.

Listen, Gina, Mother Earth is just a cold dead rock

hurtling through space until the sun supernovas

and we all die a fiery death.

Ok-ay?

So, like, go eat a granola dick.

Ugh!

UGH!

Disgusting!

They're all disgusting--

Oh my, Goddess...--

You know, Gyna does have a point.

Research shows that all life on earth could be extinct

within the next two hundred years.

Yeah, but Sweetie, we'll be dead by then so who cares?

But what about our children, and our children's children?

I can't believe I'm the one that has to correct

the science expert, but children can't have children.

Only big people can have children.

Look, there's not gonna be a future if we don't find

the Book of Pure Evil and destroy it.

Yeah, otherwise Todd will become the Pure Evil One

and destroy the world slightly faster than global warming.

Todd: Look--

Can we have one meeting where we don't mention

that I'm the Pure Evil One?

Perhaps now's an opportune time

for me to show you my new computer program.

I've written a sophisticated algorithm which uses

a combination of statistical analysis

and character profiling to determine

which Crowley High student is most likely

to receive the Book next.

That sounds super useful.

I mean, it's no con queso finger, but still.

This could be the solution to all our problems!

So--

983 students fit the profile.

Great that's the whole school.

We need to narrow down the parameters--

Just a little--

Okay, it's not working.

If this is gonna take a while, I better call

my future self and warn her I'll be late--

Hannah: Ha ha--

Hey, my phone's dead.

Shitty, mine too

Now how am I gonna sext you, Jenny?

Ew, I didn't get any sexts.

Those were for Jenny?

Oh...

Hey--

My arm's not working.

Whoa--

What's going on around here?

My secret spy cameras just died

and so did my personal massage tool.

Holy Jupiter Shit.

Hannah: Look at this!

These vines are growing at a hugely accelerated pace!

We need to investigate, gang.

You know, as far as disasters caused by the Book go,

this one's not so bad.

I guess you guys haven't noticed the poisonous snakes.

Oh, actually, that's not a poisonous breed.

It's totally harmless, unless you're a bird,

or small rodent, or a smaller snake--

We get it, that snake is a total pussy.

What about that one?

That's a more deadly breed.

We gotta fight that snake!

CRACK!

Ugh, too late.

We gotta run from that snake--

Gang: Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

Oh my God, check this out!

Jimmy! Something is up!

Yeah, your cocks when you see what I have!

Holy...shit!

Dude--

Wow.

♪

Hello.

I see you've used the Book to make some

eco-friendly changes around the school.

Isn't it beautiful?

It's like a new Eden.

Yeah--

I don't care for forests.

(crying)

(wolf snarling)

Anyways...--

I bet you're getting awfully bored of the Book,

why don't you hand it over to me?

Why should I give it to you, when it's done all this?

Because I'm your guidance counsellor?

My work isn't done yet.

I really need something to read?

I must go further!

I must totally reclaim this land!

You know there's fruit growing off your head, right?

Mmm--

Look!

I'm becoming one...with nature!

Curtis: Whoa!

See, my patience paid off!

Dude, I think we've died and gone to Valhalla--

There's so much weed to be smoked!

And smoked...

and smoked!

(Todd and Curtis whimpering)

Boys, we don't really have time for this!

Come on, let them be children.

You know, this is a glorious moment.

Hannah: Come on--

(Todd and Curtis groaning)

(giggling)

So, technology is breaking down everywhere

and plants are taking over, coincidence?

Or Gyna-incidence?

(laughing)

Truly, this is paradise.

I think we're gonna have to deal with this on our own.

Yeah, I know.

(screaming)

What's happening to me?!

I just shaved my pits this morning!

I just waxed last night!

Ew--

Ugh...ugh... ahhhhhhhhh!

Jenny, did you just see that?

Some feedback please--

AHHHHHHHHH!

AH--

All this screaming's hurting my throat.

Hannah: Hannah's journal. Hour One.

With the exception of myself, everybody in Crowley High

has devolved into some sort of proto-human.

I'm not entirely sure whether they are Cro-Magnon

or Neanderthal--

Or is it Neander-tal?

Jimmy: Ow--

Ow--

Cave Jimmy seems shockingly similar to normal Jimmy.

But I despair at what it's done to my poor boyfriend, Curtis.

Although, he did eat a bug last week.

But that was because Mr. Gunderson dared him.

Itchy--

Whoa-- What is that?

(grunting)

Stop that! Cave Jenny!

(grunting)

(fart sounds)

I think it's safe to say I won't be getting

any help from this group.

(grunting)

What are you doing?! Stop that!

Bad cave people!

Bad cave people!

I must now stop the Book and turn my friends

back into homo sapiens.

But first I must teach my cave friends how

to 'follow the leader'.

And in order to do that I must establish myself as the Alpha.

(grunting)

WHACK!

(grunting)

Me, Hannah!

Me, leader!

Now, let's find the Book.

Come on cave Jimmy, let's go, time to go!

Are you gonna stay here and eat your plants?

Well, I guess that's one less primitive

I have to worry about.

(grunting)

Come on! Come on!

Things are looking bad for the school,

but good for the botany club.

(grunting)

WHACK!

WHACK!

WHACK!

Come on, gang!

(grunting)

(growling)

Let's take a break here!

(grunting)

Hour three.

The forest is dense and lonely.

The devolved Gang is heavy on public urination

but light on conversation.

I miss their voices.

This would be the point where Todd

would lament his dark destiny.

(grunting)

Curtis would make a joke to lighten the mood.

(burpngng/coughing)

(grunting)

And Jenny would remind us that life is short and brutal.

Then again it's nice to see her laughing for a change.

You go, Cave Jenny!

You don't just grow a stitch--

Break's over! Come on time to go!

(grunting)

Hannah: Can you hear that?

This forest has really come to life.

That sounds like the mating call

of the Spring Peeper Treefrog!

Listen!

Is that just me or you hear drums?

♪

(grunting)

Back! Back you savages!

I'm the queen of this stone age.

WHACK!

(grunting)

(grunting)

(whimpering)

WHACK!

(grunting)

♪

♪

♪

Well, at least I still have my glasses.

Yoink!

Oh, come on!

Come on, they don't even fit your face!

GRRRRRRR!

(grunting)

Come my children!

Come to Mother!

I hunger, my children!

Deliver sustenance to your goddess!

Gina--

It's Gyna!

But it's not Gyna anymore.

I am something... more.

Something that has not existed on this earth

since before the age of man.

Age of man?

Gyna, you of all people shouldn't be making

that gender bias, I mean, you spell women with a 'Y'

to keep the men out of it.

How dare you, a mere mortal,

question the words of a Goddess!

Hey, I'll have you know I'm no mere mortal.

I fight evil on a regular basis!

And now you will feed mother nature!

On a one time basis!

(energy pulsing)

It's the Book of Pure--

Ugh! Ugh!!!

(laughing)

I've always felt like a tree on the inside

and now I'm a tree on the outside!

(laughing)

Ahhhh!

I don't know why you have not devolved like the others,

but you'll still make for fine fertilizer!

Look, I like nature too, but this isn't right!

It's not natura-- Ahhhhhhhhhhh!

It's actually supernatural.

Don't you understand?

I am nature!

Now let the sacrifice begin!

Come to mother, Hannah!

Come back inside mother!

Book...

What are you doing?!

Get your hands off of that!

Get away!

(laughing)

(extinguisher sounds)

Hey!

Heeeey--

What are you doing?!

Stop that!

(extinguisher sounds)

You're killing--

The environment!

You're killing the environment!

(vomit spraying)

♪

♪

♪

♪

Fuck the environment.

Jenny: Ew!

Why are you spooning me?!

Uh, you were spooning me.

But why was I spooning Jenny, I should be spooning Hannah?

Or Todd?

Why are we in Jimmy's closet?

Why am I dirtier than usual?

Oh shit, why does my finger smell like ass?!

What?

(sniff)

That doesn't smell like your ass dude.

Hannah's journal--

Jimmy: Dudes!

Dudes, what day is it?

I just woke up from a serious weed nap,

and I dreamt that I was a cave man

and there was these huge pot plants

and I took one of the buds and I ate it,

and I got baked man it was--

And you were all there and you were cave men too.

Whoa--

Jimmy--

I think I just had the same dream that you had?

Whoa whoa--

I think I had the same dream that you guys just had!

But was I in your dream or were you in my dream?

That wasn't a dream!

Huh?

We have to find Hannah.

No no no no--

No no no, I know!

Something happened I know it, I know it!

Why are my tapes blank?!

And so it was the asbestos from the old extinguisher

that corroded Gyna's insides.

Hooray for asbestos!

Man, I can't believe we were cavemen that's so badass.

Was I sexy as a caveman, did I turn you on?

No. But Todd liked you, he tried to hump you.

Really? Sweet!

Uh, you know Hannah, you really stuck it to Gyna.

Yeah, you really stuck it to that 'trunt'.

Dude, did you just come up with that?

Yeah, like, off the top of my head.

See, this is exactly what I'm talking about,

we need to start a company where we just like name shit.

And we'll call it--

We'll figure it out.

There's one thing I don't understand though,

How come Hannah didn't go ape like the rest of us?

Guess it's just another mystery of the supernatural.

Eh-- I'm hungry. Let's go eat something.

Banana splits!

How many times do I have to tell you guys

I'm lactose intolerant?!

So?

Just eat it without ice cream.

Yeah, put some cheese on it. I can hook you up. Boop.

Curtis!

Gross--

You coming, Hannah?

I'll catch up with you later.

Bye.

♪

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