Original subtitles

Top of the morning to you, little dude!

Hey, eat shit and die of eating shit.

Whoa, that's no way to treat your friends.

You're not my friends.

We're the only ones that know what

you're going through, little dude,

and where you're going to.

You can't escape your destiny, loser.

It's either us or no one.

I've got real friends!

Ones that will stick by me no matter what!

Not for long.

Is that a threat?

Whoa, whoa, far be it for us

to threaten the destroyer of worlds.

But a shitstorm is brewing, bro.

And you're the asshole at the center of it.

And your friends?

They're just gonna be swept aside.

And casually fucked into nothingness.

He's saying they're all gonna die

if they keep hanging with you, loser.

Yeah, I got that, asshole.

Rob: Whoa, not the finger!

You're too hard-core for us!

(Laughing)

What are we gonna do about Todd's problem?

You know he shaved his nutsack

and now it's super itchy and in-grown?

Guys do that?

Well, not me. I rock the dick beard.

It makes my porksword look like a wise old wizard.

Curtis: And I mean old.

That sounds far worse-

I'm talking about Todd's bigger problem.

We need to find out what happens if

he really is the pure evil one.

It means he's gonna destroy the world.

Or something.

I for one think we need to keep him from doing that.

Jenny: Uh, yeah! He could be

more dangerous than the book of pure evil.

Curtis: Whoa, you guys-

you're talking about my best friend here.

Maybe all he needs is for us to tell him

we love him.

Jenny: Can't we tell him we like him?

It's sorta the same thing.

Love's more powerful.

Love conquers all.

That's so sweet.

Can we get back on track here?

My dad was researching the book

when those satanists kidnapped him.

He must know something about that prophecy

they were talking about.

Too bad he's in a coma-

but he could snap out of that any day now.

Like right now.

Thanks, Curtis.

Look!

Dad, what are you doing here?

"Dear Jenny, your father is a vegatable.

"Which is why I'm leaving him.

"With you. Forever.

"Love, mom."

Curtis: Yeah but there's something on the back.

"P.S. Forever means I'm not coming back."

Harsh.

Hi! I'm Leslie!

You wanna trade sandwiches?!

Why would I want to trade sandwiches?

Maybe you eat my sandwich

and I eat your sandwich

and we become friends?

"Expello... meus... Solitudo... eternus!"

Subsfreak

Okay, listen up, you old geezers.

I've got an important announcement to make.

I too have an important announcement to make.

Are you telling me your announcement

is more important than mine?

Most assuredly.

Get on with it. Make it snappy.

My fellow brethren-

our ancient society recently suffered a terrible

and painful loss when our beloved Minion Bob

died at the hands of the book.

You're not being snappy!

Fine!

Now that he's gone, we need to replace him!

So please welcome our new fourth Minion-

Fred.

(Clapping)

Minion Bob's ceremonial robe.

Sorry we didn't get a chance to wash

the blood and feces off it.

Atticus: Yeah, welcome to the family,

Minion Fred.

I'm sure you'll be just as mediocre a Minion

as the rest of them.

Now onto the real important announcement.

(Clears throat)

I'm the pure evil one.

At least I will be, once you deliver me

the book of pure evil. Questions? Comments? Praise?

Yeah, let's start with Minion George.

If this is a joke, I don't get it.

No. Not a joke.

Okay, you're trying to set up a bigger joke.

Yeah, like a prank!

Look, I just told you guys I'm the pure evil one.

That's...Big news!

I thought somebody... Would be excited by that?

Did you just say you want us

to get you the book of pure evil?

Because we haven't been outside

of this home in almost twenty years.

(Laughing) You're all so useless!

That includes you, Minion Fred.

Atticus: I'll find the book myself!

What a dipshit!

(Laughing)

You'll fit in just fine, Minion Fred!

So our goals should be:

Get the book before Atticus does.

And destroy the book before Todd becomes-

(whispering) The pure evil one.

Thanks for the reminder, Hannah.

I think he heard you.

Sorry, Todd, but it's something we have to deal with

before you hurt anyone else.

Ow!

Your arm's made of metal, idiot!

You shorted out my arm!

Okay, careful where you-

whack!

Curtis!

Aim that.

Sorry, I didn't mean to fist your dad.

That metal arm is dangerous! It could kill somebody!

I'm the one that's dangerous.

I mean, I almost killed my best friend.

After I tried to kill you, dude.

Let's call it even.

No you were under the book's power.

I wasn't.

Look, even if we get the book before Atticus,

there's no way to destroy it.

And if I really become the pure evil one-

I don't want you guys around when that happens.

Maybe if we find out more about the prophecy

we can stop that from happening.

It's time for me to be my own dude.

I need to do this alone.

Todd!

Todd, wait!

We love you!

Did Todd just break up with us?

(Brody whistling)

Nice robe, sweater dude!

Oh, I keep forgetting to take this off-

it looks great. Really.

Totally flattering.

Really?

Loser.

I'm getting mixed messages from you guys.

He's not easily impressed.

Oh, you'll be impressed soon enough.

You all will when I lay my hands

on the book of pure evil and complete my ascendence

to become the pure evil one.

Brody: Just remember-

only the pure evil one can control the power of the book.

Yes, me. And only me.

Who is who I am.

Yeah, you might want to lose the robe

before you go into the school.

Fuck! Keep forgetting to take this thing off!

(Laughing)

Hi. I'm Leslie!

What's your name?

Uh, my name is "get out of my face, fannypack."

Would you like to be my friend?

Yeah! I'm like so glad we're friends now!

You and I are gonna be very close.

Would you like to be my friend?

What?

Hello, Todd.

Oh great-

so glad I bumped into you.

I've got a big surprise for you.

But I can't tell you what it is,

because I want it to stay a surprise,

so you'll be surprised when you hear it.

What?

I'm gonna destroy your little gang!

There is no gang anymore.

It's just me and you.

And I'm gonna find the book before you do.

Then I'm gonna kick your ass.

Believe me,

my ass can take a lot of pounding.

I didn't say pound. I said kick.

Same thing.

No, it- it really isn't.

Yeah- it is.

Fine. Have it your way.

I'm still gonna find the book before you do.

Oh, I'll find the book before you, Todd Smith!

And I'll be waiting with anticipation!

For that ass-pounding.

Atticus: Who has the book this time?

Is it the makeup face children?

Is it the pornographic fantasy ladies?

Is it the preppy bags of douche?

You were so right, Leslie!

Trading sandwiches makes them taste better!

I like it when there's too much sandwich!

Double-meat sandwiches, wow!

I make fancy sandwiches for my dog!

Would you people keep it down?!

Curtis: I'm really worried about Todd.

What if he is the pure evil one?

What if he can't control himself?

I saw him lose control and almost kill you.

You know, Hannah, you look really sexy

when you're scared.

I'm not scared, I'm just-

what? You think I'm sexy?

Totally.

I've never been called sexy before.

I don't know how to react.

So many new emotions.

Say it again?

You're sexy.

I could get used to that word.

Sexy-

how about super-sexy?

Oh...That's even better.

How 'bout... ultra humpable?

Let's stick with super-sexy.

Hey guys!

Do you wanna be my friends?

Friends to the end!

Todd: First, I had the book-

then Hannah had the book-

then there was tiny Todd-

and then-

oh, right! Sexy twins.

Were the sexy twins before or after tiny Todd?

Male: Who wants to eat a hoagie?!

Female: I do, I do!

Male: Love meat fries!

Female: Me too!

Hey, will you people keep it down!

Female: I love meatballs! Meatballs are the best!

Me again, Hannah. Where are you guys?

Call me!

Something's not right.

Ew!

Knock it off, assholes!

Mr. gunderson: Okey dokey,

yesterday we left off discussing palm reading

and I thought, uh-

what the hell is that?

This is my dad, Mr. gunderson.

Yeeeah... I don't wanna know.

I just want you to take the old man

in the wheelchair out of this classroom.

I have nowhere else to put him.

Not my problem!

He's creeping...Me out.

Anyone else feel the same?

I'm sorry, Jenny.

Democracy has spoken.

Stupid democracy-

that's not even a fucking subject!

Sandwich is a very smart the person!

Curtis: What if we put a sandwich inside a sandwich?

I've been looking everywhere for you guys!

Wanna be friends?

Oh my...Fuck-

ahhhhhhhh!

You look a little frazzled, dude.

What's up?

Oh- hey, Jimmy.

I'm just looking for the book.

Isn't that what that gang is for?

I sort of... Broke up with the gang.

How come?

Well, they're afraid of me,

and maybe they should be.

They don't wanna hang out with you anymore, I get it-

no, no, they wanna hang out with me.

They do-

alright, then what's the problem?

I'm afraid that if they keep hanging out with me

they're gonna like-

die.

So I'm thinking it might be better for me

to just kinda go off on my own.

You know, like a lone wolf.

Alright, lone wolf sounds cool.

Yeah, but it's actually kinda lonely.

Well, you'll get used to it, though.

And jerking off a lot, right?

Alright lone wolf, I'm gonna let you be-

hey, uh, if you're not doing anything

maybe you and I could... Hang out.

Aren't we friends?

Yeah.

Oh-

yeah, the- (Clears throat)

I guess the best thing for you Jimmy is to-

stay away from me.

Alright, suit yourself.

(Laughing)

Hey you guys, you know what we should all do tonight?

Have a sleepover!

That sounds like so much fun!

We should do it at Leslie's house!

Everybody bring their pajamas!

Or, not-

it's been really great having all these new friends and all

but I think I might need a little time to myself.

Why would you want that, Leslie?

We're all here for you!

No really, I just need some space-

why would you go anywhere without your friends, Leslie?

Yeah, we're here for you, Leslie!

We're always here for you!

Friends to the end!

Curtis: I'm hungry! Can we get some corn chips?!

How about we order a pizza?!

With pineapples on it!

And ham!

That sounds good! You should patent that!

It's called a hawaian pizza!

Jenny: I like sausage!

You can't put sausage on a hawaian pizza!

You people are driving me crazy!

Holy Jupiter shit!

Mr. Murphy! I need your help!

Let me guess, you have the book.

Here! Take it!

Well, that was easy.

Come on, Atticus, be friends with us and Leslie!

Now that I have the book you wanna be friends?

That ship has sailed, bitchface!

I mean friend-face! Hahahahaha!

Todd: Hello?

Is anyone there?

Curtis: Hey Todd!

Come and join the student body!

Look, a new friend!

Hannah: We always need more boys!

Jenny: And I like sausage!

Hannah: I like pineapple!

Holy...Shit.

I'm surprised that this doesn't surprise me.

Atticus: Look, it's my favorite Nemesis, Todd Smith!

And you've got the book.

I'll show you the power of pure evil

after our pizza sleepover!

We're still doing that, right?

Leslie: Help me!

All I wanted was some friends!

But they're smothering me!

You don't mean that , do you Leslie?

That's what I love about Leslie!

She's such a kidder!

Curtis: Leslie, you really have a great sense of humor!

(Flesh tearing)

Leslie: Ahhhhhh!

And a great scream.

So true!

You know, you guys are really making

a great case for membership.

All: Join the student body, Todd.

It's so nice in here.

We're getting along so wonderfully.

No one has to be alone.

If being alone is what it takes to keep

my friends safe, then I have to be alone.

All: Resistance is futile. You will be friended.

Really? All of you guys are friends?

All: Friends to the end.

How can all of you guys be friends?

I mean-

do you guys even know anything about each other?

How well can anybody know anybody?

Yeah, your friends say that they're there for you.

And that they understand what you're going through, but-

they don't really know.

At the end of the day... We're all alone.

Or in Elliot's case, alone under the bleachers

jerking off to Wanda doing her cheerleading routine.

What?! Gross!

You know what's gross?

The smell after Curtis leaves the washroom!

That's true.

Hey, that's my boyfriend you're talking about!

You actually got somebody to go out with you?!

Hannah: Shut up! That's so rude!

At least they don't call her margarine.

All: Huh?

Because she spreads easy.

(Laughing)

You suck! You all suck!

You know who's the worst? Leslie!

All: Yeah!

She acts like she's friends with everyone,

we don't even know who she is!

Yeah-

(students talking)

Leslie: Oooooow!

Aw-

(students grumbling)

No, no! Please, no!

(Students groaning)

I hate teenagers!

(Flesh tearing)

You're tearing me apart!

Literally!

Ahhhhhhh!

(Blood spraying)

(Students groaning)

Holy Jupiter shit- what just happened?

Let go of the book, Atticus! It will destroy you!

No, you will be the one who is destroyed.

By me!

You can't control its power!

That's what you think but you're wrong!

I feel the book's power pulsating through me-

me too-

pulsing! It's not just you-

I think I can-

I think I can control it-

yes...

(Evil Todd) Yes, I know I can-

(energy pulsing)

No, it is me!

I am the one who controls it!

They're getting all pure evil-ey-

Todd's a bit more convincing.

Jenny: Todd, listen to me!

You don't need that book.

What else do I have going for me?

None of you trust me. And why should you?

I'm always getting you into danger, risking your lives-

the book of pure evil... Is my only true friend.

No, the book is my friend!

That's not true Todd. You have us.

You don't have to do this.

Hannah: We'll save you, Todd!

Curtis: All of us, together!

I can't stop destiny.

Thud!

(Energy pulsing)

Todd, no!

Ugh!

You haven't heard the last of me!

I still work here!

Every day, eight am!

I'm here to make your lives hell!

Uhhh!

Are you okay, dude?

I was gonna use the book again.

I couldn't stop myself.

Jenny: That's why you have us.

To save you from yourself.

I guess-

I can't really fight the book without you guys, huh?

Nope.

And you don't have to.

Hey, it's like we're the student body.

But in a good way.

Now that we're back together,

what do you guys want to do?

Throw rocks over the overpass?

Todd: Yeah!

Uh...Shouldn't we be looking for the book?

What was up with Atticus?

He's just doing what he always does-

trying to get the book and stuff.

Why do I feel like I'm forgetting something?

(Pat groaning)

Jennifer!

Dad?!

Ugh-

he thinks he's the pure evil one!

Either he's insane or else he's

an even bigger idiot than we ever imagined.

Could be 50/50, Dave.

We cannot allow this farce to continue

even if he is our hooded leader!

Drastic measures must be taken.

Sodomy!

Let's not be too hasty.

He's still the only one who can deliver us the book.

My knees can't keep up with all this running around.

If he delivers it.

He has before. I'm certain he will again.

And then what do we do with him?

Sodomy!

Fred, give it a rest.

Once Atticus brings us the book

he will be of no further use to us.

Which means... Death to all false prophets.

And then sodomy?

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