Original subtitles

Atticus: At long last i finally have the source

of ultimate power and evil in my hands.

I'm going to spread your pages.

I'm gonna penetrate your deep dark secrets.

And shudder with ecstacy

as I bring my wildest desires to fruition.

So-

anybody know how we do that?

Only the former hooded leader, your dead father,

knew how to harness the book's power.

And he took that secret with him to his grave.

Maybe you shouldn't have killed him.

"Maybe I shouldn't have killed him."

Do you want to be next?

Minion Bob?

I can't believe he makes us wear name tags.

Atticus: Okay!

I have a special surprise for all of you.

One of you-

is going to open the book for me.

You-

open the book.

But-

anyone using the book

will ultimately be destroyed by its power!

Well that's a sacrifeice, I'm willing to make.

With you.

I order you to open the book.

Minion: You cannot!

I'm the hooded leader so you-

- do as I say.

Well, as Minion number one,

I can sub-order your order to someone else.

Minion Dave!

Open the book!

All right, I'll do it,

but this secret society has gone to shit.

All we do is stand around

in the dark talking about the prophecy.

Yeah, whatever happened to all the booze, the drugs-

the sexy girls-

you know, now you're just stalling.

Remember when we used to have prime rib for supper?

You're like a bunch of old farts,

flapping your wrinkly lips.

For just one good meal-

silence!

Minion Dave!

Open the book!

(Sigh)

(Over P.A.) Would the hooded leader

please come to the activities room.

An altercation is in progress.

That's it- no more knitting circles okay?

Everybody follow me,

Minion Bob! Guard the book.

(Chains rattling)

Just one good meal...

Subsfreak Team ww.addic7ed.com

Okay- everybody focus.

When's the last time we saw Jenny?

Yesterday. She was heading

to the retirement home to search for her dad.

To the retirement home!

But that's Satan central!

And atticus might be there as well.

Uh!

I hate that guy!

Especially after he hypnotized me

into trying to kill you.

We have to assume that

the satanists have kidnapped Jenny.

This just became a rescue mission.

We rescue Jenny, get the book from atticus-

and stop you from destroying the world?

We're not 100% sure Todd's gonna do that.

Yeah.

Thanks dude.

Now-

let's load up.

On drugs!

Curtis, we discussed this.

Curtis: Right, sorry.

I mean, load up on love.

Dude, what the hell?

Hannah thinks I smoke too much pot,

so I'm gonna cut down.

Dude, you've been dating for like a day

and you're already totally whipped.

Don't listen to him.

But he's my best friend.

And I'm your girlfriend.

Man, relationships are tough.

Those knitting needles are sharp.

Solitary confinement should cool down

Mildred and Betty for a while.

They're not so bad.

Look what they made me.

They even got my size right.

Fuck me with a scepter!

Five minutes!

I was literally gone five minutes!

I'd say more like seven-

ooh, lunch time. Come on, fellas,

let's get a good spot in line.

Where do you think you old farts are going?

Help me find the book.

What the hell is she doing here?

We caught her trying to rescue her dad.

(Jenny mumbling)

Well didn't work out so well, did it?

(Jenny mumbling)

That's sweet.

I've missed you too, pumpkin.

Oh, I'm gonna have to double diaper.

(Laughing)

Todd: Uh-

(clearing throat)

Hey kids, what can I do you for?

Curtis and Hannah need weapons, Jimmy.

You kids ever heard of knocking?

Oh sorry Ms. dempsey.

Sorry's not gonna take this princess

to the enchanted kingdom.

So what are you guys fighting today?

Vampires? Zombies?

Zompires?

Senior citizens.

Those are the worst kind of monsters.

You know what? Help yourself.

I got some goodies in there.

Can you hand me that buddy?

I'm really sorry, princess.

I'm gonna have to drill you a new shaft another time.

You know, I don't like it either.

Another time girl!

Sorry.

What are you looking at?!

Get back to class!

Rough couple of days, huh?

Yeah, things could be better.

Or things could be a whole lot worse.

Yeah, I guess so.

Look, dude, shit happens.

Doesn't mean it has to stink up

the whole rest of your life.

You know what I'm talking about right?

Jimmy, I never know what you're talking about.

Alright listen, just stay away

from those assholes in the parking lot.

Yeah, tell me about it.

I mean it.

Hannah: We're ready.

Let's move out.

Brody: Little dude!

Where you off to in such a hurry?

Don't say anything, just keep walking.

Whoa, ingratitude does not become you.

Yeah, we taught you how to fight.

And you couldn't even kill your loser friend.

Loser best friend, thank you very much.

Just ignore them. Those dudes are assholes.

And together they make one giant asshole.

You can't ignore us forever, little dude!

This loser's becoming a major pain in the ass.

Looks like we need to come up with another plan.

Already on it.

(Laughing)

That's mine, you grey-haired crab-ladder!

Too late, you liver-spotted pansy!

We want more!

More food!

But... There is no more.

Liar!

Look he's made of food!

Oh!

I knew this day would come.

Ahhhh! Ahhhh!

So-

bet you're sorry you kicked me out of your gang now.

You lied to us, atticus!

And you kidnapped my father!

What did you expect us to do?

Well I have my own gang now.

And they are badass.

All: Hi.

Ish...Badass-ish.

What is it now Minion-

whatever your name is.

The residents are rioting!

Ugh!

We want food! We want food!

Didn't they just eat?

Food! Food! More food!

You people are a ringing endorsement for euthanasia!

Seriously.

We want food!

You!

Shut up!

How about I order some pizzas?

Food! Food! Food!

Run for your lives!

I think I know what happened to the book.

I guess it's nap time.

Todd: I better be nice to my kids

so I don't end up in a place like this.

Hey! Watch it!

I don't think that sword is such a good idea dude.

Don't listen to them, sanddragon.

Ahh!

Gimme the food!

Gimme gimme gimme!

Dude on my back! Dude on my back!

Dude on his back! Dude on his back!

Oh my God!

Ahhhhh! Ahhhhh!

Ahhh!

Food! More food!

Gross! Dude, cover your mouth!

We don't have any food!

We want our friend Jenny!

She's about... ...This tall...

...always scowling...

Uh...Loose morals...

They're wondering what's for lunch?

I think it's us.

Food! Where's the food?

Hey, where'd that hooded guy go?

Quick! Use Jimmy's weapons!

Why did you bring a boombox?

(Heavy metal music)

Battle music!

Cursed noise!

It's working!

It's not working!

Next!

The water's just making them angry - and wet!

Granny needs more brownies, Curtis!

Ahhhhh!

Granny, no!

We need a way out!

Take this!

Quick! Follow Curtis!

Ahhh!

Todd: I can't even see my hand in front of my face.

Curtis: I can - because my hand lights up.

This must be where they store all the medical supplies.

Jackpot! Sedatives!

I got- toilet paper.

One ply? It's like sandpaper.

Food! Food! You're made of food!

Aaaahhhh!

I have soiled myself.

It's laxative!

Hannah: The strong dose of laxative must have...

Helped him defecate the evil.

Minion: My life is a disgrace.

All these years spent as a lackey

to the powers of evil.

In the end,

I sold my fellow seniors out

for mere tasty morsels.

We must destroy this book of pure evil

and its promises of tasty treats!

Why don't you give me that book

before nobody gets-

ahhhhh!

Well, there goes the book.

Again.

Over here!

It's blocked!

This is what you get for being a satanist

kidnapper.

I don't kidnap satanists.

Wonderful.

Jenny! You're alive!

Yeah, great Todd. Little help here?

Let Jenny go, jerkwad!

Kind of busy here!

We need a plan.

Already got one.

Todd: Ready?

Can someone untie me first?

Todd: Now!

Maybe now it's nap time?

Wait for it...

(Heavy metal music)

Ahhh!

Ahhh! Ahhh!

So gross! I can taste it!

I'm going to barf.

It always smells like this around here.

I'm running out of poop water!

There's too many of them!

Curtis: We need more manpower!

I'm still tied up, guys!

Everyone, load up!

Hurry up guys!

(Heavy metal music)

Atticus: Ha ha ha!

(Everyone screams)

Todd! Watch out!

Ahhhh!

It smells like the day before laundry day.

You'll be okay, granny.

Make sure to change your granny panties

such a nice boy.

Well, atticus, looks like you'll always remember today

as the day we saved you from

the attack of the poopy old geezers!

And you'll remember today as the day

that Todd Smith and his friends disappeared

and were never seen again-

seize them.

Minions: Is this the Todd Smith we've heard so much about?

The pure evil one!

The prophecy!

Yes, the prophecy has been blown

completely out of proportion.

This teen is no threat.

If I'm not a threat, then you'll have no problem

dueling me for Jenny's freedom.

Mano-a-mano.

The pleasure shall be all mine.

Minion Bob! Fight Todd.

I think he's dead. And he pooped his pants.

Fine. Minion number one!

I order you to fight Todd!

Minion one: Well, I then sub-order Minion Dave

to fight Todd.

Does wearing this robe even mean anything anymore?

You're supposed to follow my orders without question.

At least your father promised us everlasting life

and prosperity in the next world.

Yeah, what the hell have you done for us lately?

How's this? Follow my orders and...

I'll make sure your every dream come true.

You don't sound very convincing.

We'll negotiate later,

time is of the essence here.

Alright, Sonny,

let's do this.

Impressive.

He must really be the pure evil one!

Oh shut up!

Ugh!

Oh daddy, what have they done to you?

We have to go to the police!

For all we know the police are satanists too.

Yeah this town was founded by satanists.

My granny's a satanist.

Your dad's been drugged for over a year,

it's gonna take some time

to get back to normal.

Where'd you get that robot arm?

And where did the sword come from?

And are you two?

Todd: Oh, Jenny...

So much has changed since you were here last.

Which was yesterday.

Hannah: Is the sword necessary, Todd?

I have negative associations with it.

Oh, come on, the sword is totally awesome.

You used it to cut off Curtis' arm.

He did what?!

Yeah, but you think the sword is

totally cool, right dude?

Curtis: Well... Not really dude,

you almost killed me with it.

But we're cool now, right?

Why wouldn't we be?

Hold on, back up a min-

fine, maybe I'll leave the sword at home.

I haven't decided yet. It's like totally awesome,

and maybe we could have a vote about it.

I dunno, uh-

Jenny: Just tell me what's going on!

What happened?

Curtis: It all started a couple years ago.

Me and Todd had just gotten

into heavy metal and shop class.

I wanted to make a cool candlestick...

Atticus: So, lemme get this straight,

you guys worked for my father?

No.

He worked for us.

Aren't you the guys who sell drugs,

fireworks and pornography to the kids at my school?

The porn business dried up.

Loser Internet, loser.

We three have had a long standing arrangement

with your little, uh...

Society.

My father never told me this.

Your old man took a lot of secrets to his grave.

What kind of secrets?

Secrets he didn't want you to know about, loser.

Like how the prophecy can mean different things

to different people.

Depending of course on, how you look at it.

I'm not sure what you're saying.

You have to feel it, loser.

Deep inside.

Deep inside?

Inside your robe.

(Laughing)

Is the answer embroidered in here, in invisible thread?

This is a waste of time!

Chill out bro!

Dude's got a lot on his mind man.

Look at the prophecy one way...

Todd Smith is the pure evil one.

Look at it another and-

and what? It's- I'm lost.

Wait for it...

Someone else is the pure evil one.

And bingo was his name-o.

Some who my father didn't want

to have absolute power, someone like-

his very own son?

That's why he kept the secret?

Atticus: Well-

(laughing)

Looks like the jokes on you daddy.

Once I get the book of pure evil,

absolute power will be mine?

Now that's the spirit sweater dude.

Why you telling me this?

What do you get, if I become the pure evil one?

Well-

we'll work something out.

"We'll work something out."

(Laughing)

(Out of control laughing)

Loser.

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