All language subtitles for The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel S02E03 The Punishment Room-eng

MIDGE: Ugh, I'm so late.
They're gonna kill me.

ROSE: I'm late, too.
My class is at 8:00.

MIDGE:
I'm late for work!

ROSE:
That makes you more important?

ABE:
My fancy socks are missing.

Hey, is Zelda here yet?

Which ones are your fancy socks?

- I only have one pair of fancy socks.
- MIDGE: They're the ones

with the floating
martini glasses on them.

Those are my comical socks!

Why do you have comical socks?

Are you talking about the ones
with pineapples on them?

Those are comical socks, too.

Why do you have two pairs
of comical socks?

Abe, you're dressed.
Why are you asking about socks?

Because I'm dressed
for the university.

I go to Bell Labs later
and they dress more eclectic.

Sounds like a job
for pineapple socks to me.

I'll just bring a pair of fun,
weekend slacks for Bell Labs

and change in the taxi.

BOTH:
Do not change in the taxi.

I don't have time
to change at school.

BOTH:
Do not change in the taxi.

- CHILD: Mama!
- Coming!

ROSE: Why do you have
comical socks?

- Did you call me?
- No.

Could've sworn you called me.

It's Zelda's day off,
by the way.

No one told me.

I told you multiple times.

She was supposed
to watch the kids.

Get their father to watch them.

That's who should watch them.

Tomorrow is Joel's day
to watch them.

If you want to make a change,
give Joel a call.

I am not calling Joel.

There is no food and
I'm literally starving.

You are not
"literally starving."

- CHILD: Mama!
- Coming!

ABE: I guess I don't get
to use the bathroom.

ROSE:
Like I'm stopping you.

Now, that time you called me.

If it wasn't you, who was it?

- Esther.
- Esther?

Really?

Hey! Hey, hey!

Esther said a word!

- She said a word?
- Good for her.

Should we take a cab?

No, walking's faster.

When you're not in heels.

- And you are not starving.
- I am, too.

Then your muscle and tissue
would be breaking down.

Your abdomen would be distended.

- Your menstruation would cease.
- Abe, stop.

- What is that?
- She said she was literally starving.

There is no food

and I am literally,
figuratively starving.

- I got to go!
- Me, too.

What have I been saying?

- Someone's got to stay.
- I can't stay.

- None of us can stay.
- ESTHER: Mama.

Call Mrs. Fulber, tell her
it's an emergency.

- ROSE: This isn't an emergency.
- MIDGE: It kind of is. - Mama.

ABE: Now I'm second-guessing
these slacks.

(overlapping chatter)

B. Altman, where may I
direct your call?

I will connect you.

B. Altman, where may I direct
your call? I will connect you.

B. Altman, where may I
direct your call?

Yes, our Charleston Gardens
Restaurant is open today, ma'am,

as it is every day.

Oh, it's terrific. It's some
of the best food in town.

Do not get the crab meat salad.

The crab meat salad.

It's Monday.
Crab's delivered on Tuesdays.

- Do the math.
- O'TOOLE: Miriam Maisel.

MIDGE:
Oh, Mrs. O'Toole.

I was just suggesting things
from the menu.

Headset down. Come with me.

Your office?

First floor.

First floor?

- Makeup Department.
- You're back in the show.

- Girls.
- B. Altman, where may I direct your call?

Come.

♪ There'll be a change
in the weather ♪

♪ And a change in the sea ♪

♪ From now on... ♪

It's Midge.

Hi, Midge.

♪ My walk will be different ♪

♪ My talk and my name... ♪

- I'm confused.
- You're checking coats.

- Checking coats?
- We're short a hand

and you're the most presentable
of the basement girls.

Is this a problem?

No. Not at all. Thank you,
but I-I was just thinking

I would be so much more valuable
behind the makeup counter.

- I need you here.
- I've kept up with all the latest

styles and trends
since I've been off the floor.

Face masks, they're the future
and the past.

Cleopatra used them.
Isn't that interesting?

- Lake mud and egg whites.
- I need you here.

Well, I've never been trained
for coat check.

Take coat, give ticket.
Take ticket, give coat.

Congratulations.
You've been trained.

Now, one more thing.

And listen very closely.

I'm listening.

Never leave the booth.

Yes, ma'am.

♪ There'll be
some changes made. ♪

Take coat, give ticket.

Coat room?

Purgatory with a better view.

- Poor thing.
- Hey, did you hear?

- I'm not Mary's maid of honor.
- I told you, Viv,

my sister had
to be maid of honor.

It's a family thing.

How's planning going?

Oh, we've had
a couple of hiccups.

Hiccups? Your sister's a bitch.

- Viv.
- We're on the floor.

She got a little bossy,
so I nudged her aside.

I'm doing it all myself now.

What? Oh, my God, Mary,
no, you can't do that.

- O'TOOLE: Girls!
- O'Toole. - Ooh.

Mary, wait.

- She'll need water.
- Got him.

Pookie's a her.

(whispering):
Mary.

Mary.

ANNOUNCER (over P.A.):
Attention, ladies.

Rouge Master Class
begins in five minutes

- at the Revlon Counter.
- Sweetie, I'm sorry,

but you can't plan your wedding
by yourself.

It's too much. Let me help.

Oh, Midge, thank you,
but there's no time

- and really no money.
- Don't worry about money.

What you need is experience
and I have experience.

The marriage didn't stick, but
my reception was unforgettable.

It got a write-up in The
Jewish Daily Forward, - (gasps)

in Yiddish, so it didn't get
a wide readership,

but the picture was sensational

and I can make the time
for you, my friend.

- I don't know.
- Please. I want to.

No one should have
a less than perfect wedding.

Okay. Yes. Yes!

- Good.
- Really good.

I'm relieved.
I'll see you at lunch.

See you at lunch.

Look at this.

The high ceilings,
the tile floor,

like the Vatican.

I feel like I forgot something.

How are we doing here, Curren?

MOISHE:
Why would a fakakta bank

in the tuchus of Brooklyn
try to compete with the Pope?

I need to start
writing things down,

but by the time I find a pen,

I forget what I was
supposed to write down.

It's so open, so flaunting,
so gentile.

Jews use the bank, too, Pop.

Show me one. Hey.

- You a Jew?
- Pop. Sorry.

So, how close are we
to wrapping this up, Curren?

Curren. What is that?

Just making sure all the I's
are dotted here.

- He dots the I's.
- And I've got a team counting cash in the back.

It'll take a while.

- Only a goy dots the I's.
- I hope it's all there.

The treasure map's
in pretty bad shape.

- Treasure map?
- JOEL: It's just what she calls her records

marking where she put the money.

Ma, what-what are you
looking for?

I feel like I forgot something.

Moishe, did you bring the bag
of money we use to bribe people?

There's a bag of money
we use to bribe people.

A little louder, Ma.

I don't think they heard you
in Poughkeepsie.

Curren, that's not a name.

That's something
you pour over rice.

And, Pop, Mr. Cleary
is my buddy Archie's brother

and he's doing us
a big favor here.

By taking our money? I wish
I could do someone that favor.

- Mr. Curry, a question...
- Cleary. Cleary.

Is there gonna be another
Great Depression soon?

Is that something
you can tell us?

If I could, I'd be
the president of the bank

or the United States.

Step on enough Jews,
you'll get there.

Now I remember. I found this.

It was behind
one of the radiators.

Ma, you said you found
all the money.

On the first treasure map.

I found two more treasure maps
this morning.

Oh, should we lock these up
in the safe?

They show where
all our stashes are.

- They're like gold.
- I'm in charge of these from now on.

Are we gonna be okay?

You...

are not Jewish.

- Thank you for shopping B. Altman.
- WOMAN: It's a little plain.

Sometimes I just want
to spark it up a little.

- You know?
- Mm-hmm.

Yes, ma'am. What's life
without a little spark?

So, what do I do?
How do I do that?

- ELSA: You could go bolder with the colors.
- Oh.

- WOMAN: Like what?
- Fuchsia?

- Oy.
- WOMAN: Interesting.

- ELSA: Or maybe orange.
- Aah!

ANNOUNCER: Husbands, a new
waiting lounge has opened up

on the first floor.

What the hell? You're in a box.

Did Madame Alexander
put you in there?

I'm the coat room attendant.

This is my job, Susie, and
I am proud of the work I do.

- Ooh.
- Yeah, seems really soul satisfying.

ANNOUNCER:
Attention, B. Altman customers,

the store will be closing
in 15 minutes.

What are you doing here?

We have a gig tonight, remember?

Yes, but we were meeting
at the club.

This place is on the way.

It's 20 blocks out of your way.

And I like having extra time
with you before the gigs

to talk, dish.

Sammy Davis Jr.'s
dating a white chick.

You're frog-marching me
to the gig.

- That, too.
- Susie.

We have a bunch
of gigs coming up

and I don't like standing there
with my thumb up my ass.

I'm not always late.

Fine. We'll go together,
under protest

because I do not appreciate this
lack of faith in my punctuality.

- Viv, punch out for me.
- VIVIAN: You got it.

- How may I help you?
- Not this.

- This and this.
- Thanks.

Not that or that.

- This. This. Not that.
- Ah.

Ooh, not that.

- This and this. Have a good day.
- Ah.

You're such a little freak.
I mean, you really are.

MIDGE: I want to get serious
here for a minute, people.

Nuclear war.
The nightmare, the horror.

Oh, now, I'm not talking
about dying in one.

I'm talking about surviving and
living in an underground bunker

with your extended family
until the radiation disperses.

Mr. Khrushchev,
have you met my family?

If you're gonna hit us, comrade,
fucking obliterate us.

I'm obsessed
with the time lady.

You know her. Dial the number
and it's, "At the tone,

Eastern Standard Time will be
6:53 and 20 seconds."

Beep. Now, 6:53 and 30 seconds
is next, right?

Maybe.

But I like to think
that it may not be

and then be surprised
when it is.

The suspense is intoxicating.

Oh, and I drink while I do this.

Did I not mention that?
I should've mentioned that.

My son was bullied the other day
at the park

and the anger I felt
at that boy.

Not the boy picking on my son,
I mean my son.

You know? 'Cause Mama
didn't raise no pussies.

I told him, "Get in there.
Use what you got.

"The greatest defense
in the male armory:

"foot to nuts. Foot to nuts.

Fight dirty,
you little bastard."

I got to tell you,
the first time...

...my mother says,
"You've gained so much weight

since the apocalypse,"

I'll pry the door open and
stick my head outside, going...

(breathes rapidly)
Are my eyes popping out yet?

Am I bleeding from the ears?
Say that it's happening.

Please tell me that
sweet release is imminent.

I mean, it's the...

...greatest drinking game ever.

A shot of vodka every time
it goes beep.

Then I throw up
on the half hour.

I should patent this.
I should...

...bury the body.
It's not pretty, son,

but we can't leave a dead four-
year-old unburied like this.

The flies, alone.

Get your sand pail,
start digging.

We'll make it fun.

Wait. He's still breathing.

He's a stubborn little fucker,
isn't he?

Quick, look in my purse,
there's a...

...government pamphlet I read
on this with guidelines.

One was not to bring anything
into the fallout shelter

that would be
unnaturally disturbing.

You realize what that means.

Hundreds of radioactive,
Jewish mothers above ground,

roaming the streets
of the Upper West Side.

If that's not a deterrent
for nuclear war,

I don't know what is. I mean...

...does the time lady
count off the seconds

while she's having sex?

Really, no man wants
to go through that.

And women,
most men we sleep with,

they go off before the beep.
You know what I'm saying?

Then we have to...

...turn ourselves in.

I mean, it's one thing
to kill the boy,

but taking out the rest
of his family, his mother,

his sister, his dog...

I think people noticed.

Thanks, everybody.

You've been more than diverting.

I'm Mrs. Maisel. Good night.

(cheers and applause)

Hi. Great crowd.

- Yeah, this guy in the back wasn't laughing.
- Not one cough.

It's when they don't cough
that I know I got them.

I asked him if he was
foreign or something,

but he's from Hoboken.

Susie, 99% of the audience
was laughing.

That's a good thing.

You got 100% of that place
on 19th.

Ah, that was a great gig.

You got 100 at that
Midtown place on 23rd.

23rd is not Midtown.

- It's close.
- It's not close.

- It's a short walk.
- It's a cab ride.

Goddamn Harry Drake.

He's stopping my career cold.

I mean, how long
can he hold a grudge?

Hey, everybody. Who here
doesn't love our Mrs. Maisel?

(cheers and applause)

And who here doesn't love the
dulcet tones of the autoharp?

Give it up for Clint Gowdy.

Hey, hey. What the hell?

Jackie, how many times
have I told you?

Autoharps are permanently
banned, meaning forever.

Hey, as long as you're off
doing your Maisel thing,

I'm gonna book
what I want to book.

Autoharps, panpipes, ocarinas.

- You're just toying with me now.
- That's right.

And I'm gonna start charging
for overnight stays

at the Hotel Le Gaslight.
Count on it.

- Overnight stays?
- It's nothing. Ignore him.

She's been sleeping here.

I'm getting tired of having to
fold her bedding every morning.

You don't sleep clean.

Susie, you can't sleep here.

Relax, I'm not anymore.
I swapped apartments

with the Italian family
upstairs.

- I'm sorry, what?
- I swapped apartments.

I'm in their place
and they're in mine.

A family is in your apartment?
Your place is a shithole.

Oh, you'd change your tune
if you saw their place. Brutal.

We really should treat
immigrants better.

But what if Harry Drake's goons
show up at your apartment?

- I won't be there.
- Yes,

- but the Italian family will.
- I know, right?

We need a more permanent
solution to this Harry thing.

- One where there's no innocent victims.
- I know.

Is this your brassiere, Susie?
You left it in the back.

Jesus Christ, Jackie.

Well, how do you think I feel?
I thought it was a dishrag.

Well, at least now I know what
to get you for your birthday.

DORA: You won't be judged
by the professor's

highest standard, Rose.

I'm not sure I could meet
his lowest standard.

Sketching, drawing, he'll say,

"Let your hand follow
what your eye sees."

I'll try. I practiced
a little last night,

drawing a bowl of fruit.

My lemon was fine,
but my banana was a disaster.

It's getting the right
texture... (gasps)

- You okay?
- What's the matter?

- She can't breathe.
- Watch... her chair!

My God, oh, my God.

Too close, too close.

(hyperventilating)

- That's our subject?
- That's our subject.

That's our subject.

That texture's gonna be
even harder to capture.

(indistinct chatter)

Susie!

(excited chatter in Italian)

Hi, everybody. How's it going?

Splendido! Siamo cosi grati!

Okay, quick head count.

One, two, three, four
and there's little Sal.

Okay. Whew, all alive.
So far, so good.

Susie, ecco la tua mail.

Devi essere moto importante.

Ah. Grazie, Grandma.

Uh, you-you might want
to keep those shades closed.

(singing in Italian)

(others joining in)

(laughter)

LANCE:
In my spare time,

I've been thinking about
the very nature of infinity...

w-what it infers,
what it portends.

- Yes, yes.
- And for that reason, I was wondering

if you had any insight
on a true hero of mine,

uh, the great German
mathematician Georg Cantor

and his prodigious work,

which included his theory
on the infinity of infinities.

Georg Cantor.

I'm really glad
you brought him up, Lance.

I love that you did that.

Because he reminds me of a man
that I actually do care about,

and that's the great
mathematician Henri Poincaré.

It's Poincaré's history
of work on the solution

of the three-body problem
in planetary orbits

that distinguished him,
and although he did not produce

a definitive solution, he
advanced the inquiry so greatly

that of course, Karl Sundman
stood on his shoulders

when he finally proved
the existence of...

I apologize. I need to leave
a bit early today.

I'm meeting my wife
in a few minutes.

An infinite series solution.

Even this solution is
of limited practical utility,

because it converges so slowly.

Poincaré showed astounding
aptitude for mathematics

at a very young age,
as all great mathematicians do.

It was an innate ability that
is not uncommon in the field.

He was also a man
of unusual work habits.

He'd work two hours in the
morning, two in the evening

and use the intervening time

for his subconscious to continue
working on the problem.

This calls to mind another
mathematician I discussed

in my office with Truman
just last Tuesday.

Truman, you took notes that day.

Please share them
with the class.

Stop it. Get away!
I bruise easy!

ABE: If you're so inclined,
reach back further

to the musings
of the mathematician Zeno.

He describes
a series of paradoxes

concerning infinity
and infinitesimals.

This being ancient Greece,
little is left

of his written record, but
of the scraps we do have left...

oh, my God.

- Professor Weissman?
- Are you all right?

Give him air, guys.

Yeah, he just saw a naked man.

- I'm okay, oh, my God.
- We need crowd control here.

- No, I'm okay, I'm okay.
- Are we dismissed?

Yes, yes. Go. Go, go.

Well, hello there, young lady.

Right on time.
Uh, where shall we go?

Faculty dining room,
if that's okay with you?

I was just thinking about
the egg salad they make there.

Ladies first.

46 bucks for two months?
Is that possible?

- It can't be possible.
- ED (over phone): Your biggest charges

are for multiple calls
to the same places.

Midtown places.
Did you make all those calls?

Well, probably, but Ed,
when I signed up,

I was told
it was nine dollars a month.

Yes, but you didn't take
into account the message units.

- The what units?
- Well, in your plan,

anything beyond two miles
of your geographical service

incurs additional fees
on top of the nine dollars.

You're telling me
every call beyond two miles

from my apartment
is considered long distance?

- Yeah, pretty much.
- So let me get this straight, Ed.

If I call someone
who's less than two miles away,

and then they make a call
from a second phone

to a person
four miles away from me

but only two miles away
from them,

and they hold the receiver
up to the line I'm on,

I'll just get
charged locally, right?

Sure, I mean,
if you want to go to the bother.

I don't want to go
to the fucking bother, Ed.

I'm just trying to figure out
how can I afford

this stupid fucking phone
you sold me!

Look, I hear you,
and I sympathize,

but the charges are the charges.

- Jesus.
- And, uh...

I guess I'm compelled
to tell you this...

- What?
- Our office is in Harlem,

so this call
is long distance as well.

- (crying)
- (speaks Italian)

(knocking on door)

- SHIRLEY: Joely.
- Yeah, Ma?

You've got a gentleman caller.

A handsome young man.

Why'd you make it
sound salacious?

Did-did I make it
sound salacious?

Come on in, Arch.

Archie, would you do me
a big favor?

- Sure.
- Would you ask your brother

if real estate prices
are gonna go up or down

in the next ten years?
That would be a big help.

I will ask him.

Oh, Curry is a good man.

He's a nice blend of spices
and herbs, as well.

Ah. Well, I'll leave you boys
to get on with things.

Your sword fights and whatnot.

Thank you, Mrs. Maisel.

Thanks, Ma.

Smells like a foxhole in here.

- Yeah, sorry.
- Can I get some coffee?

Coming up.

And these are...?

My mother's treasure maps.

Supposed to show
where they've hidden

all the cash over the years.

- Did Curren see these?
- You bet he did.

That's what I thought.

He's denying us
a line of credit.

Told us there were too many
"mitigating circumstances,"

which my father called
the two most goyish words

in the English language.

(sniffs)

Smells like Ma's making kugel.

She makes good kugel.

Don't leave
before you have some kugel.

You know, Joel, you and I
are good friends. Close.

To the point where we didn't
even correct your mother

when she implied that
we're a couple of queers.

And because of that,
I need to say,

you have got to get out
of this fucking house!

Of course I have to get out
of this house!

I mean, look at me.

I-I'm back with my toys and my
mother and the fucking kugel

and it wasn't supposed
to be like this.

I've got to find a place.

And it's got to be right
for the kids, too, because

they have to be with me some
of the time or I'll go crazy.

Good. You still got
some fight left.

Now stop moving around.

It's making the smell
in here worse.

(sighs)

I got Curren to reconsider
the mitigating circumstances.

You're getting
your line of credit.

- Arch. You're kidding.
- I've got things on him.

And I vouched for you.

And I'm gonna help you
get the hell out of here

because it's just sad.

I owe you, Arch.

I owe you big-time.

(door opens)

Oops. Never mind me.
I saw nothing.

(door closes)

Oh. Hey, Albert, help.

Ah.

You're a prince, Albert.

"Prince Albert."
I just came up with that.

- Thank you, ma'am.
- (clears throat)

Hi. Midge.

- Hi.
- Midge, let me introduce you

to Father O'Brien, and this
is Sister Saint Stephen.

Father, Sister, this is
my good friend Midge Maisel.

She's here to help me
with the reception.

- Nice to meet you.
- And nice to meet you, miss.

(girl crying)

Carrie Ann misbehaved
in geography class.

Yes. Of course.

Will you excuse us
for just a second?

I've got some important business
to discuss with Mary here.

(whispering): What is this?
What is happening?

This is my parish. I'm getting
married in the church upstairs.

It's very old, very beautiful.

Sure, sure,
but where are we now?

This is where
the reception's going to be.

- In this room?
- Yes.

- No. No. No.
- Yes. Yes.

Mary, there's no light here.

It's damp and lifeless.

And there's a little girl
crying in the corner.

This is the Punishment Room.

You can't have your reception
in the Punishment Room.

- Midge.
- The walls are stained with tears.

My sister had
her reception here.

- And how happy is your sister?
- Well...

Because she got married
in the Punishment Room.

- Is everything okay?
- Yes, ma'am. Sir. Sister.

There is a bigger room that
you go through to get here.

It has a window.

That's the Window Room.

That's really what they call it?

The bigger donors get that room.

My family's not a big donor.

Ah. So it's about money.

Bartering. I can work with that.

- Now who's the power here, the priest or the nun?
- Midge.

- Mary.
- The priest.

Father, can we talk?

Of course, dear.

Don't we love our sweet Mary?

Oh, I've known Mary
all her life.

I baptized her
when she was just a week old.

Ah, well, I'm Jewish.

When somebody dunks us in water,
we call a lawyer.

I was just wondering,
this room...

would it be possible
to give it a coat of paint?

Lighten it up a little?

Father picked
this color himself.

And it's a nice one.

Yellow mustard... gas.

But a sky blue would make
the room feel cheerier.

This is the Punishment Room.

And there's no budget to paint.

Okay. Well,
do you supply flowers?

A lot of colorful flowers
would really liven things up.

- We have no flowers.
- There's no money for flowers.

Well, you have flowers
at funerals.

Anyone scheduled to die
the week before Mary's wedding?

We'll take those.

- Mary.
- MARY: Midge...

Is Carrie Ann still
gonna be there?

- Because that'll be very distracting.
- (clears throat)

Convert. Be something else.
Buddhism's nice.

I have no choice.
It is going to be here,

in this room,
at Our Lady Of Perpetual Sorrow.

That is not the name.

Midge, the ceremony's the thing,
and the church is beautiful.

Down here is just
a quick breakfast,

a splash of champagne
and... what?

- Did you say breakfast?
- Eggs and ham.

(exhales)

Mary just told me about Bill.

About...

Well, I guess I was
the only one not to know.

He's a veteran of Korea.
Right, Mary?

Our brave Bill?

Yes.

I'd suggest we say
a prayer for him now,

but your prayers and mine,
they differ.

Mine would be Mi Shebeirach.

Mi Shebeirach avoteinu,

Avraham, Yitzchak v'Yaakov...

You'd like a lot
of our stuff, Father.

We've got some real barnburners.

- All right.
- But I guess what I'm wondering now is,

what if you let them
have the Window Room

for an early evening reception?

For just a couple of hours.
Nothing fancy.

Our bingo ladies are there then.

You can bump them.

Just for this one night?
For Mary?

And Bill.

Mary's Bill.

- Well, we do all love Bill.
- Mm.

I guess an early evening event

in the Window Room
can be arranged.

Wow. So generous.

Thanks, Father.

I'm assuming a band
is out of the question?

"The sandy beach
reminded Harold of picnics,

and the thought of picnics
made him hungry."

And just made your mommy hungry.
(clears throat)

"So he laid out
a nice simple picnic lunch."

Hope he brought wine.

"There was nothing but pie."
There's never anything but pie.

(phone ringing)

Hello?

I think there may be
a bag of money hidden

in your front closet.

- What?
- I've been studying Ma's treasure maps

and one of them didn't
correspond to anywhere

- in their house or the factory.
- Treasure maps?

And now I think one of them
is your parents' house

and that on one
of my parents' visits,

they stashed a bag of money
in a closet.

- I know, it sounds crazy.
- Not at all.

Just look.
It's the one in the foyer.

Holy cow.

I'm at the closet.

Check the back, left side.

Is it just gonna be sitting
in here on the floor?

JOEL: No, it's probably
in a cutout in the wall.

They cut open the wall?

My dad has a portable
rotary blade.

This just keeps getting weirder.

Be careful 'cause some
of the bags are booby-trapped.

Is it gonna explode?

There may be a mouse trap in it.
It's probably snapped.

Unbelievable.

- Oh, wait, the wall is jiggling.
- That must be it.

And there's a bag.

Found it.

Good. I'll come by
and pick it up tomorrow.

Joel, there must be
at least $2,000 here.

They're crazy, Midge.
My parents are crazy.

I-I know, but at least
it skipped a generation.

I think that's probably
all they stashed there.

They probably got nervous
about the noise the blade made.

One of the hazards
of secretly using power tools

in someone else's house.

- Kiss the kids for me?
- Okay.

- And hug them?
- Of course.

And tell them
I'll always love them?

Joel, are you dying?

I've got to dig into Aunt
Golda's sub-basement tomorrow

and there could be
a Komodo dragon guarding it.

- Just get some sleep?
- I probably won't. Good night.

Good night.

DORA: I've never drawn
a nude man before.

MILLY: I've never seen
a nude man before.

Drawing a man's genitals
is not easy.

Or appetizing.

Did you draw a face
on his penis?

- No.
- It's smiling.

- I draw what I see.
- Rose, let's see yours.

Oh, I completely skipped
the down-there part.

It made me very uncomfortable.

- Even though it was smiling?
- It's not smiling.

I wouldn't submit that
for your master's thesis, Milly.

A master's degree,
that sounds so important.

- Are you all on that path?
- Pretty much.

My, I can't even imagine.

And once you have your master's,
what do you do with it?

- Pardon?
- I mean, it's so audacious, a master's.

You're learning so much.

What are you going to do
with all that knowledge?

- What is she talking about?
- What do you do once you graduate?

There's a lot of things
we can do. Teach.

- Oh, yes, teach. Where?
- Here, I guess.

But none of the teachers here
are women.

They all seem to be men.

- I guess a lot of them are men.
- I think all of them are men.

I never put that together.

Some of us want to be artists.
I want to be an artist.

But there are really no
lady artists, not in the States.

I knew a couple
back in the day in Paris.

One quit, no one knows
where she is today.

The other one killed herself.

Mainly because no one
would buy art from a girl.

She tried calling herself
Bertrum and wearing a bowler,

but it didn't work.

You don't like your sandwich?

I'm not hungry anymore.

Some of you are doing this
to find a husband, I assume?

That's why my daughter
went to college.

Oh, sure, she wanted to make
friends and take classes,

but her real goal was to meet
a man, and she met one.

Then he dumped her,
so she's working a low-level job

because all she had was a degree
in Russian literature,

but not a master's.

I mean, it would be nice
to meet a man.

Yeah, I guess.

Well, if you want to meet a man,
this is not the place to do it.

The art department, mm-mm.
The whole building, nope.

Now, the business school,
that's the place.

Lots of choices and they're
all studying something

with real potential.

I hope you don't mind
the thoughts of an older woman.

I'm just very new at all this.

Not at all.

Yes, thank you, Rose.

SUSIE: Mmm. This place has
the best pastrami, right?

- See you, Susie.
- Yeah, see you, Louie.

I don't know,
Katz's is pretty good.

Mm, I like Katz's
for their corned beef.

- Hey, Susie, call me tomorrow.
- Actually, Mel, can you call me?

- Why?
- Just do it.

- Whatever.
- Mm, Greengrass for the lox.

I grew up on Barney Greengrass.

Don't tell me
about Barney Greengrass.

- Maybe the matzo ball soup.
- FRED: Hey, Susie.

That thing you did?
That was real shitty.

That's the joy
of not giving a shit, Freddy.

You're just asking
for reciprocation.

- I'm asking you to sit down.
- Don't tell me to sit down!

- Fuck you and your reciprocation and your two-dollar suits.
- No, no, fuck you...

- You throw your weight around.
- And fuck your mother at the same time.

- You're nothing. You're a nobody.
- Just crawl back up her pussy

- and shut the fuck up.
- Eat shit and die!

Nice guy,
I'll introduce you later.

He seemed very personable.

- Shit.
- What?

You're not gonna believe
who else is here.

- Who? Who?
- Harry Drake.

- SUSIE: Harry Drake.
- MIDGE: Did he see us?

He sees us now.

He's coming over.
Should I scream?

- Why, are you having an orgasm?
- He threatened you, Susie.

- Hello, Midge, Susie.
- Hey, Harry, nice to see you.

How're you liking this weather?

"Spring is sprung,
the grass is riz..."

"I wonder where
the birdie is..."

Not that any of us
get outside much.

- Just enough to hop in a taxi.
- Lunch sometime?

- Name the day.
- My treat.

Yup. See you.

- What the fuck?
- What?

When did you make up
with Harry Drake?

I didn't.

- Then what was that?
- That was showbiz.

He's been threatening you
with violence.

That's showbiz, too.

Oh, look who Harry's with now.
That's Billy Jay.

He books the Upstairs
at the Downstairs.

I'd give my right nut
to get you in there.

Yeah, that's on 56th.

That's 30 blocks
above our last one.

SUSIE: Billy Jay.
He never comes in here. Crap.

Go talk to him.

You don't just talk
to Billy Jay, you need an in.

Luckily, I got one.

Yeah? What?

His eye for the ladies. Hmm?
(clicks tongue)

- Are you having a stroke?
- Get over there and do your thing.

- What thing?
- The guy's a dog.

He'd fuck a corpse if it
was less than six hours old.

Are you kidding me?

I'm not gonna go over there
and make this guy think

I'm gonna sleep with him
if he books me.

Why not? You have those weapons.

- So do you.
- No, these are self-destructive.

I wouldn't do something
like that.

Come on, you told me all about

how you practically
slept with a priest

so he'd give your friend
some pigs in a blanket

for her wedding,
but you're not gonna do this?

That was just sweet talk.
It happened in the moment.

Oh, so you're just against
being a premeditated slut.

You're fine being
a spontaneous slut.

I'm not sidling up to Billy Jay.

Okay. Don't.

But we do have to make
some money at some point.

- You understand that, right?
- Yes, I understand that.

- Like, now.
- Don't worry about me, I'm fine.

Oh, are you, Princess?
You hanging in there?

Is life okay in your 18-room
apartment on the Upper West Side

with your doorman and your maid
and your childcare

and your bottomless closet?

Oh, I forgot to tell you,
I found $2,000 in my closet.

(quietly):
This is what I'm talking about.

I'm not gonna find $2,000
in my closet.

Think about my life
for a moment. I'm broke.

I'm working less at the Gaslight
so I'm falling further behind.

I'm begging people to call me

'cause I can't afford
to call them.

I am picking up half-eaten
apples out of trash cans

at the Port Authority.
It's getting dire here.

Then I'll pay your phone bill.
How about that?

It's 46 bucks.

Oh. That I would have to borrow
from my father.

Yeah, from the father
that doesn't have any idea

why you'd be paying
the phone bill of a friend

that he's never met that you're
not even supposed to know.

Great plan.

You know,

don't worry about me,
I'll be fine.

I get it. Okay? I-I'm lucky.

I have a support system,
you don't. I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry.
Forget I said anything.

No, Susie,
it's good for me to know.

A manager doesn't go
to her client

saying she's worried
about money.

She goes out and she gets money.

I take on the burdens.
You're the artist.

- Your thing's harder.
- WAITRESS: Thank you.

We're both trying
something hard.

Yeah.

I'm getting this.

I'm not arguing.

VIVIAN:
Oh, my God.

I was crying my eyes out.
I couldn't believe it.

And then when the priest said,

"Do you take this man to be
your lawfully wedded husband?"

and she said, "I do."

It was a cliffhanger until then.

It was so magical.

- It was perfect.
- It was perfect.

Oh, these flowers are beautiful.

Church kept them
from a funeral last week.

Some guy named Horace.

He was well-liked
by those who enjoy

expressing themselves florally.

Let's raise a glass.

Horace, you were gone too soon,
but right on time.

- Here's to Horace.
- To Horace!

(laughter)

Oh, boy,
cheap champagne works fast.

- (glass clinking)
- Excuse me, everybody.

If I could just grab your
attention for a minute or so.

- Yay, Daddy's gonna speak.
- Whoo-hoo!

- Go, Brian!
- All right! - More Brian!

(applause)

Eh, don't get
your hopes up here.

(laughter)

I'm not much
of a public speaker.

I lay bricks,
like my father did.

- A speech for me is saying "Ouch."
- (laughter)

But I just wanted
to get up here and thank you

for coming to celebrate
our daughter's wedding with us.

There's a lot of emotion
on a day like today,

but I just wanted to say, Mary,
you're the best.

I love you, sweetie.

And Bill, we couldn't ask
for a better son-in-law.

Here's to you both.

May you be as happy
as Jean and I have been

for all these 30-odd years.

- To Mary and Bill.
- ALL: To Mary and Bill.

So pardon the interruption.

I'll let you get back
to your champagne

and these fantastic appetizers.

And let's all have fun.

(applause)

Whoo!

Thank you, Daddy. I love you.

And for all those enjoying
the appetizers, the flowers,

this wonderful room,
it's all courtesy

of my brilliant B. Altman
friend, Midge Maisel.

This wouldn't
have happened without her.

- Thank you, Midge.
- (applause)

Oh, gosh. Thank you.

I was happy to do it.

Really, thank you.

Now I say we raise a glass
to Mary's daddy.

Didn't he do a great job, guys?

Even got a couple
of solid laughs.

Yeah. To Daddy. Cheers.

ALL:
Cheers!

MIDGE: That was a tight
one minute, Brian.

- You're ready for Jack Paar.
- (laughter)

Yeah, I don't know about that.

And the ceremony was lovely.

Mary was gorgeous,
and Bill was... sweaty.

(laughter)

No, no, no,
you're pretty, too, Bill.

But if anyone brought
a set of towels as a gift,

that would've been a good time
to hand them over.

She's the funniest girl
in the world.

Don't oversell me there, Viv.

Hey, can you all see me okay?

Oh, okay. Ah, there we go.

I see a few maiden aunts,

I see a few drunk uncles.

And of course,
there's Father O'Brien.

A good man, a pious man,
a handsome man.

And whatever you heard,
people, I did not

- schtup Father O'Brien.
- (people gasp)

I don't think God would
look too kindly on that.

The lightning bolt would be the
size of Florida, right, Father?

A-And if a priest is gonna
have sex, I think God would

prefer it wasn't with a Jew.

That's like putting mayonnaise
on a bialy, you don't do it.

Uh... okay. Um...

I-I always think a lot
about sex at weddings.

And it makes sense. Everyone's
dolled up, drinking booze,

we're happy, we're dancing.

Even Brian here's
talking about laying bricks.

No amount of lubrication's
gonna help you there.

Talk about "Ouch."

(people gasping)

And-and then
there's Mary and Bill.

They are perfect together,
aren't they?

And talk about
love at first sight.

I mean, they met in November,
and here they are

three months later,
getting hitched.

What do we got here, kids?
A shotgun wedding?

I am so sorry, honey.

I am in shock,
I'm in absolute shock.

I didn't know you were gonna
throw it to me like that.

I didn't throw it to you, Midge.

I thanked you for the rumaki.

Guess I sort of misread
the audience.

- No shit.
- Mary, we're in church.

- I can't go back down there.
- HARRIET: You have to go back down.

Mary, it was a mistake,
you have to believe me.

I mean, there's no way
I could possibly

have known you were pregnant.

I've known him
three months, Midge.

Why the hell do you think
I'm getting married

three months after meeting him?

Wow, well, guess I didn't know
you were that big a slut.

Joke. That was a joke.

What happened to humor, huh?

It... this isn't a funeral, it's
the happiest day of your life.

(Mary blows nose)

Oh, and congratulations
on the baby.

(sobbing)

What are you doing here?

I think I'm in trouble.

What are you doing here?

I got a note to come
speak to Simon.

Simon, it's Abe Weissman.

SIMON:
Come on in, Abe.

- Thank you for coming by.
- Yes. Um,

what is my wife doing
out there?

This is a little
embarrassing, Abe.

I mean, I've known Rose socially
for what, 20 years?

(sighs)
"Unusual" is the word for it.

What's unusual?
What's the issue?

Well...
(sighs)

Rose has been very disruptive.

(chuckles):
Disruptive how?

All I know is she spoke
to a group of girls

at a gathering here on campus,

and now half of them
want to quit,

and the other half
are demanding

to be transferred
to the business school.

And just about all of them
were crying.

Well, that must be
a coincidence.

- No, I don't think so.
- (bell tolling)

She's disillusioned them
about the art department.

So she can no longer
audit these classes, I'm sorry.

No.

- No.
- Pardon me?

No. Sorry, she's not stopping.

- Abe...
- Simon, let me be clear.

I would love her to quit.

I don't like
walking into a room,

and my wife is there staring
at some young guy's schlong...

- Abe, your language.
- But you don't understand

what we've been through.

If she doesn't get
to do this,

she'll go back to Paris,

and Paris is chock-full
of schlongs.

French schlongs.

This would be very bad for me.

I'm afraid this isn't
your call, Abe.

Rose!

- Rose...
- Abe...

Will you come in here, please?

Rose, these girls,
you talked to them.

- What did you do?
- Nothing.

We've got to clear this up.

Now, tell me,
what did you say?

All I did was
I asked the girls

why they were getting
an education,

and why they were in
this particular class.

And a few of them talked
about being teachers,

and I pointed out that
I didn't see any female teachers

in the art department.

Okay, now, see, that was...

Actually, that was right.

We don't have any female
art teachers here, do we?

Well, I'd have to check.

Exactly. So I said,
"What's the point?"

Well, it does seem
a little pointless.

And a few others talked
about being artists,

and I pointed out that I didn't
know many female artists.

I-I've known a couple.
One died.

ABE:
The one in the hat. Bertrum.

And the other gave up.

I remember you telling me
about that.

You've got to admit
that's not a good track record.

Eight girls are asking
to be transferred

to the business school.

Yes, because there are so many
handsome men over there.

Ooh, the men in the business
school are very handsome.

But you understand that
we count on these ladies'

tuition payments
to keep the place running.

Yes, but you're just
taking their money

and not giving them
anything in return.

Where are they going to go?

They can't all work
at B. Altman.

She's right.
B. Altman, I've seen it.

They already have a lot
of girls working there.

You know, when I went to school,
different things

were expected of women.

I was just getting
their points of view

on why they were doing this.

- Sounds very reasonable.
- Mm-hmm.

You know, basically,
I think I'm on her side.

And you must be, too.

We're all on the same page,
right?

- Abe...
- And I don't see a reason

for her not to stay.

Oh, really?
That's wonderful.

The only thing for me is
I don't want her looking

at a naked penis ever again.

Oh, I'd rather not
look at that either.

I think a fig leaf could be
a very tasteful way

to solve the problem.

If you would pass that
along, Simon...

Okay. So, basically,

we're on the same side
about everything

and in complete agreement, yes?

Good? Are we done?

Sure.

Thank you.

You want to get some lunch?

- Faculty lounge?
- Yeah, let's do it.

This has been
a very good meeting, Simon.

Thank you.

(door closes)

I've totally lost
my societal filter.

SUSIE (on phone):
Your what?

I don't know how to speak

in front of normal,
everyday people anymore.

What, like you don't know
what to say to your neighbors?

- They're not worth it.
- No, Susie,

I've completely forgotten
where the fucking line is.

Geez, listen to me.
I said "the fucking line."

I hardly ever said
the F-word before,

and now it just slides
out of my mouth.

I mean, what the fuck?!

You tried washing your mouth out
with fancy pink soap?

- (laughter, shouting)
- What is that?

- What is that noise?
- Oh, it's Luigi TV.

It's what?

One of the kids here,
little Luigi,

stands outside the window,
puts on a little show

for everyone, like he's on TV.

His domestic comedy's on now.
It's pretty funny.

Oh, wait, commercial break.
Go on.

I mean, I spoke at my wedding,
and the worst thing I said

was "shrimp in the eggrolls."

Guess you had to be there.

So, tonight,
the gig is at 7:00.

Is it really, or is it at 8:00

and you're telling me 7:00
so I'll be on time?

Just be there at 7:00.

Okay, I'll be there
at fucking 7:00.

I just have to make
a quick stop before.

Just don't get distracted
by whatever the stop is.

I won't, I promise.

Okay, later.

(laughter)

(indistinct chatter)

(mutters)

- MIDGE: Boo.
- Oh, God.

Didn't mean to scare you.

No, it's good.
You restarted my heart.

I think it flat out gave up.

So, am I crying,
or is that just on the inside?

Mostly inside. Here.

Yup, $2,000.

- 2,135, for the record.
- Thanks.

So that's the famous
treasure map, huh?

One of 'em.
It's a surreal masterpiece.

Salvador Dali's got
nothing on Ma.

Look, two norths.

Which "X" were you looking for?

That one.

That's not here.

That's deeper in the building.

So, according to this,
it should be right... here.

- Wait.
- (stomps floor)

You have a saw
or some dynamite?

JOEL:
I found it.

The money?

My place.

♪ Well, I guess
I'll have to change my plan ♪

♪ I should have realized
I'd lose my favorite man ♪

(overlapping chatter)

♪ I overlooked that point
completely... ♪

B. Altman, where may I
direct your call?

- I will connect you.
- Midge, what happened?

B. Altman, where may I
direct your call?

What are you doing down here?
You were in the coat room,

- so close to the show.
- I will connect you.

- Midge!
- ♪ I tried to reach the moon... ♪

Thank you for shopping
B. Altman.

Okay, thank you.

Psst!

(louder):
Psst!

Mary, please.
I'm sorry, please forgive me.

I-I'm not suitable
to be out in public anymore.

I wish I'd known that
before your reception,

but better late than never.

I'm sorry.
Please, what can I say

to get you to forgive me?
Tell me what I can say.

Never leave the booth.

- ♪ I've lost the one man... ♪
- Drag.

(overlapping chatter continues)

B. Altman, where may I
direct your call?

I will connect you.

♪ I've lost the one man. ♪

B. Altman, where may I
direct your call?

I will connect you.

(overlapping chatter continues)

Your Charley Patton?

Why are you selling
your Charley Patton?

'Cause I need the money, genius.

- It's kind of rare.
- Don't rub it in.

Could you hurry it up, guys?
I got stuff to do.

Look, we pride ourselves
on our quality control,

so we go over everything
with a fine-tooth comb.

I just hope it's not
the one you use

to rake the crabs
out of your pubes.

It's not.
"Cornet Chop Suey." No way.

OZ:
First pressing, too.

It's so perfect I could cry.

MAN (on record):
This recording is brought to you

by the guys at Music Inn.

MIDGE (on record):
So this is it, huh?

- This is the dream.
- (record skips)

So, my life completely
fell apart today.

Did I mention that
my husband left me?

- MAN: Whoo-hoo!
- MIDGE: Okay. All right.

But did I mention that
he left me for his secretary?

(scattered groans)

She's 21, and dumb
as a Brillo pad.

And I'm not naive.

I know that men like
stupid girls, right?

But I thought Joel
wanted more than stupid.

I thought he wanted spontaneity.

And I'm sorry, but look at me.

I am the same size now
that I was at my wedding.

And come on, who wouldn't want
to come home

to this every night?

What the fuck?

Hey, this is my client!

How many of these
have you sold?!

Don't you run from me.
Don't you...

Hey, don't you run
from me, motherfuckers!

♪ ♪

♪ Hi! Nice to see ya ♪

♪ C'mon in, c'mon in,
sorry the place is a mess ♪

♪ Need an ashtray,
drink some coffee, some coffee ♪

♪ I know you've been upset ♪

♪ What I mean is
maybe part of your problem ♪

♪ Is simply you were teased ♪

♪ I know what you'd like,
but the good stuff promised ♪

♪ Is hard fought
and not for free ♪

♪ Get tough,
don't be so patient ♪

♪ Get smart, head up,
shoulders straight ♪

♪ Since when is it a disaster ♪

♪ If the "S" on your cape
is a little frayed? ♪

♪ What's a girl to do? ♪

♪ Born to shop? No!
Pretty victories ♪

♪ What's a girl to do? ♪

♪ Scream and screw? No!
Pretty victories ♪

♪ Go out jumpin' with your
dumplin', your dumplin' ♪

♪ Go wheelin' with your pet ♪

♪ Never worry even a bit,
just a bit ♪

♪ If there're any
good ones left ♪

♪ Use your credit
at the boybank, the boybank ♪

♪ If those you've bounced,
you've broke ♪

♪ Spit out the F-word
like a shotgun, a shotgun ♪

♪ If they can't take a joke! ♪

♪ Get tough,
don't be so patient ♪

♪ Get smart, head up,
shoulders straight ♪

♪ Since when is it a disaster ♪

♪ If the "S" on your cape
is a little frayed? ♪

♪ What's a girl to do? ♪

♪ Born to shop? No!
Pretty victories ♪

♪ What's a girl to do? ♪

♪ Scream and screw? No!
Pretty victories ♪

♪ Starting to see what I mean? ♪

♪ What's a girl to do? ♪

♪ Scream and screw? No!
Pretty victories ♪

♪ Starting to see what I mean? ♪

♪ Sure, stop by anytime ♪

♪ Will yesterday be better? ♪

♪ I think you'll do just fine. ♪