All language subtitles for The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel S02E01 Simone-eng

♪ I have always been a woman
who arranges things ♪

♪ For the pleasure
and the profit it derives ♪

♪ I have always been a woman
who arranges things ♪

♪ Like furniture ♪

♪ And daffodils ♪

♪ And lives... ♪

♪ If you want
your sister courted ♪

♪ Brother wed,
or cheese imported ♪

♪ Just leave everything to me ♪

♪ If you want
your roof inspected ♪

♪ Eyebrows tweezed,
or bills collected ♪

♪ Just leave everything to me ♪

♪ If you want
your daughter dated ♪

♪ Or some marriage consummated
for a rather modest fee... ♪

B. Altman.
Where may I direct your call?

I will connect you.

B. Altman.
Where may I direct your call?

I will connect you.

B. Altman. Where may I direct
your call? I will connect you.

B. Altman.
Where may I direct your call?

- I will connect you.
- B. Altman.

Where may I direct your call?
I will connect you.

B. Altman.
Where may I direct your call?

I will connect you.

B. Altman.
Where may I direct your call?

Aah! Too many calls. I can't!

Hold on!
I will connect you.

♪ Just leave everything to me ♪

♪ If you want
your culture rounded... ♪

B. Altman.
Where may I direct your call?

Head between your knees.

I will connect you.

B. Altman.
Where may I direct your call?

I will connect you.

Twisted! I'm twisted!

♪ The whole procedure... ♪

B. Altman.
Where may I direct your call?

Breathe, honey, breathe.

I will connect you.

Midge, help!

B. Altman.
Where may I direct your call?

Midge, help!

B. Altman.
Where may I direct your call?

I will connect you.

Whew! You'd think we were giving
away Pat Boone tickets.

Gosh. You're amazing.

I've had a lot of practice.

Try manning the Revlon counter
on a Free Makeover Friday.

- Makeup counter?
- Yup.

- You were in the show.
- What's it like?

- I hear there's music.
- And lunch breaks.

- And air.
- It is all of that and more.

Sounds like heaven.

It was.

So, how come you landed here?

I hit a rough patch.

There was
an incident named Penny.

Bottom line is, I am not a tramp

and someday I'm gonna be
back at that counter.

But until then...

B. Altman.
Where may I connect your call?

♪ To... ♪

♪ Me! ♪

Fuck off.

Yeah?

Hi. Is this Susie Myerson?

- No.
- Well, can I speak with Susie Myerson?

- Why?
- I'm Morris Abramson.

I'm a booker
out of Pennsylvania.

I'd like to talk
about a client of hers.

Oh. Oh. Yes.
This is Susie Myerson.

Uh, what did you say
your name was?

Uh, Abramson. Morris Abramson.

Morris, nice to meet you.

Uh, hey, wh-where did you get
this number, by the way?

Uh, from the card you gave me?

You're kidding.
That worked?

Yes. Listen, I'm interested
in your girl... Mrs. Maisel.

Mm. Yeah, she's hot right now.

I heard about the show
she did with Lenny Bruce.

Oh, yeah, great show.
A star was born.

Well, I was wondering what her
availabilities are in February.

Oh, wow. Boy, I wish
you'd called a week ago

before I said yes
to those two weeks in Reno,

but I'll see what I can do.

Uh, hold on.
Let me get my book.

Shit, I got to get a book.

B. Altman.
Where may I direct your call?

I will connect you.
Enid.

B. Altman.
Where may I direct your call?

I will connect you.
Doris.

B. Altman.
Where may I direct your call?

I will connect you.
Ginger.

B. Altman.
Where may I direct your call?

I will connect you.
Midge.

B. Altman.
Where may I direct your call?

Right up your ass.

You're in a good mood.

I am. Hey,
why does every girl there sound

like a guy who's just
been kicked in the nuts?

What do you want, Susie?

I want to tell you it worked.

- What worked?
- The card. The card worked.

One of the guys that I gave it
to called. He wants you.

Not just for a hand job.
He wants to book you in

- a goddamn club in Philadelphia!
- Really?

Fuckin' A.

Yeah. Two other calls came in
also.

Newspapers. They heard
all about the Lenny Bruce gig,

and they want
to know all about you.

We have gotten
over the hump, sister.

The rebuilding has begun.

Philadelphia. Wow.
That's exciting.

No, it's not. There's nothing
exciting about Philadelphia.

Well, I've never been,
and I've always wanted to go.

Take Sixth Avenue, add a bell,
that's Philadelphia.

I don't think that's accurate.

Midge, you got another call.

Some guy in a total panic.

I have to go back to work.

B. Altman. This is Midge.

Miriam, how long will it
take you to get here?

- Two and a half hours.
- What?

I work till 6:00.

No. I need you now.
Come home.

- But...
- Now, Miriam, now.

Papa.

Now, now, now.

I'm here!
What is it?

What's the matter?
What's missing?

Eye, eye, ear, ear,
nose, hand, foot.

Blood? No blood.
No blood! Ethan's fine.

Is it Esther?
Oh, God.

What's wrong?
What's bad?

You look fine.
You look fine.

Your eyes are asymmetrical.

Is that why you called me?
Her eyes are asymmetrical?

I know that!
I have a contingency plan!

- Miriam.
- Papa!

I don't know what to do. I don't
understand what's happening.

- What's the problem?
- It's your mother.

Mama? What's wrong with Mama?

- She's not here.
- She's...

Tonight's the annual
faculty holiday party,

- and she's not here?
- I...

She's never missed
this party before, ever.

- Well, where is she?
- I don't know.

You don't?

I mean, she went to Paris,

but she was supposed
to be back by now.

Paris? She went to Paris?
When did she go to Paris?

A few days ago. She was going
on a shopping trip or something.

What do you mean "or something"?

It just doesn't make sense
that she would miss the party.

- Papa, what did she say?
- That she was going to Paris,

and she'd be back
before the party.

- She said that?
- Yes.

- Well, I assume she said that.
- Assume?

This is a great party, Miriam.
They have a band.

Papa, did you ask
when she'd be back?

- Yes.
- A second ago you assumed.

Asked, assumed... same thing.

- Not at all the same thing.
- Pretty close.

You teach at Columbia.
They should be terrified.

- Did you look around your den?
- For what?

For flight information.

A hotel name, a phone number,
Amelia Earhart.

- There's nothing in my den.
- Papa, think hard.

When Mama said
she was going to Paris,

- what exactly did she say?
- I don't know.

Concentrate.
Recreate the moment.

I was there,
and she came in, and...

- I'm going to Paris.
- Mm-hmm.

I don't feel like I have
a life here anymore.

Everything and everyone
that I always counted on

has let me down.

I don't know what
my place is here.

You don't need me.
Miriam doesn't need me.

I serve no purpose.

I'm unhappy
and I'm tired of being unhappy,

so I booked myself a flight
for tomorrow night.

Zelda's making lamb for dinner.

Lamb's good.

- Papa, are you kidding me?!
- What?

- Mama moved to Paris!
- What?! Oh, that's ridiculous.

Did you hear what you just said?

What?

You just told me that Mama told
you she was moving to Paris.

I never said that.

"I don't feel like
I have a life here.

"Everyone and everything

that I have ever counted on
has let me down"?

And you said, "Okay."

No. I said lamb was okay,
and it was.

Oh, good grief.

Honestly, Papa,
you don't listen.

- Not true.
- You don't listen to anyone.

Not true.

"I don't feel like
I have a life here"?

Stop repeating that!

All right, I'll admit that
sometimes I tune people out,

but mostly because
they rarely have anything useful

- or interesting to say.
- It's empty.

- What?
- Her closet's empty.

Her drawers are empty.
Her perfume's gone.

Where's her things?

- Where did they go?
- I'm guessing Paris.

But what was she going to wear
to the party tonight?

You didn't notice this?
You sleep right there.

You live here, too.
You didn't notice either.

You're her husband.

You're in her closet
way more than I am.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Papa?

- What are you doing?
- Nothing.

You're in on it, aren't you?
You helped her pack?

- No.
- Yeah, you're still helping her.

You're packing up dishes to send
to her right now, aren't you?

Only the ones
from her grandmother.

You do hate those dishes.

Yes, but this isn't the way
I wanted to get rid of them.

Zelda, do you know where she is?

- She left me the address.
- Why didn't you tell us?

She said not to say anything, to
wait until Mr. Weissman asked.

He's asking!
I'm asking.

Zelda, please,
where is Mrs. Weissman?

Was that up there
the whole time?

- Yes.
- In plain view? Just like that?

- Yes.
- Okay, you... pack. You...

- unpack.
- What? Why?

Because, the idiot twins
are going to go to Paris

- to bring your mother back.
- But...

And then we'll have
a little talk about loyalty.

To the person
who signs the checks,

not the person you like more.

American loyalty!

♪ You're in Paris ♪

♪ You're
in Paris ♪

♪ You're in Paris ♪

♪ Where the fashion is romance ♪

♪ 'Neath a garret's rafter ♪

♪ There's more laughter ♪

♪ In the Paris wine ♪

♪ I'm in Paris. ♪

Is this the place?

Uh, I need small bills.

"18 Bis Rue du Mail."

18. 18. 18. 18.

- Small bills.
- I can't find an address.

Can you find a...?
Oh, that hat is fabulous.

Hey, hey, small bills,
small bills.

What? Oh.

- Monsieur...
- Uh, here.

The French kind.
French kind.

Wow, that one's even better.

Hey, hey, will you
stop shopping?

Sorry.

Okay, is, uh...
is this enough?

What, wh-what, what did he say?

I don't know.
I don't speak French.

What do you mean
you don't speak French?

I mean I don't speak French.

All this time with your mother,

- she never taught you French?
- No.

That's the only reason
I asked you to come.

- Okay, I, uh...
- Okay.

Yeah, you're welcome
for the tip.

For D-Day.
You pick.

I think this is it.

This can't be it.
It must be it.

- Is there a bell?
- Maybe we should call.

- Does she have a phone?
- Does she have a bell?

- I don't know.
- You've just answered both questions.

- I'm nervous.
- Me, too.

- What do I say?
- I think you should just

go in there and be sweet.

She's probably homesick by now.

She's probably just waiting for
you to sweep her off her feet

and carry her back
to the Upper West Side.

Oh, that's gonna be murder
on my back.

Be sweet.

Hey, hey, hey, focus, focus.

Sorry.

Uh, good morning,
Miss, uh, Mrs.

Can you help us?

We're looking for
Rose Weissman.

Mademoiselle Weissman.

Oh, so now you speak French.

Rose Weissman?

Uh-huh.

Are you sure this is right?

This is the address she left.

It's like a Gallic Hooverville.

It's a little rustic.

Everyone here has murdered
at least three people

in their lifetimes.

Rose? Rose, are you here?

She's drafting us.
She's drafting us.

Don't look her in the eye,
it'll only rile her up.

- More than this?
- Rose, are you here?

- Mama?
- Rose... Rose?

- Mama?
- Rose.

- I'm going up.
- Okay. We're going up.

I'm just gonna leave these here.

- Never mind.
- Oh, God, what is that smell?

It's like a dead fish
crawled inside a deader fish.

- She's still coming.
- Rose?!

Boy, I really wish
you knew French.

Papa, look, Rose.
It says "Rose."

- Rose! My Rose!
- Mama?

- Mama, are you in there?
- It's your husband!

Abe? Miriam? What on earth
are you doing here?

We're here to see you.

- Wait, you didn't wire her?
- No. Why?

Papa, we had a whole
conversation where I told you

to let her know we were coming.

- We did?
- Yes.

I have no memory of that.

Oh, well, this is
a nice surprise.

Would you like to come in?

Hey. Sweet.

What?

Would you like some coffee?
I'll heat up the rechaud.

I'm sorry about
the weather today.

The papers actually said sun.

I know how rain
depresses you two,

but really, in Paris,
it's quite wonderful.

So try to look past it.

Oh, how was your flight?

It was your first time
on a plane, wasn't it, Miriam?

- Isn't air travel a marvel? Bonjour, René.
- Bonjour, Rose.

One minute you're in New York,
and the next you're here

in Gay Paree.

Are you hungry? I could
scrounge around for some cake.

Uh, I think we're fine.

Well, if you change your mind.

- So, this apartment...
- Oh, isn't it charmant?

This is where I lived
when I went to school here.

There's no furniture.

I didn't know if
there'd be a room available.

It had been a while.

One chair.
There's only one chair?

So I knocked on the door,
and dear sweet Marie answered.

I couldn't believe my luck.

- I can see the sky.
- Oh, Gitane?

Me? Oh, no.
Well, sure, I guess.

Oh, I was so thrilled.
I just love this view.

Uh, I see a pipe
and more roof.

Oh, there's a dead bird
over there, that's nice.

Oh, sorry.

I thought you smoked.

Not pure hellfire, no.

Well, put it out;
I'll smoke it later.

You'll smoke it later?

You got a dog?

Everyone, meet Simone. Simone.

Oh.

- You trained it?
- Of course.

Okay. Okay, okay. Here we go.

- Papa.
- No! No. No.

We're done. It's over.

Enough of this.

- You are insane.
- Papa.

Look at this place.

Look at you.

This is not... I'm not...

That chair is broken.

- So?
- So?

- Mama, we're just concerned.
- About what?

You, crazy lady, you.

You just took off
with no word.

I told your father
I was leaving.

Yes, but he doesn't remember,
so it doesn't count.

Well, I'm sorry
you were worried.

Ah, apology accepted.
Get your things.

Pack up your one fork
and your half a plate,

your used cigarette
and let's go.

No.

You are coming back to New York.

- Right now.
- Papa, this isn't sweet.

Fuck sweet. She got a dog.

Let me talk to Mama
for a second.

- Can you just wait?
- Wait? Wait where?

There's one room
and a partial roof.

The butter's hanging
from a windowsill.

The bathroom...

- Where is the bathroom?
- Down the hall.

- Did she say "down the hall"?
- She did. We share.

I think sharing a bathroom
sounds fun.

Then get out more.

Rose, Rose.

Rose, you're angry,
and trying to prove a point.

Fine. Prove it back in New York.

Oh, you're upsetting her.

All right, playtime's over.

I am telling
that Nazi downstairs

that you are leaving tonight.

Why the hell didn't you teach
her to speak French?

Marie's not a Nazi.

She's just flexible.

Hey, could we maybe
try this again?

Somewhere else?
Maybe have some dinner?

- Tonight?
- Oh, of course.

Oh, I know a lovely little
bistro you would love.

It's just around the corner.

Here.

Just give this to the cab driver
and he'll take you there.

- 9:00?
- Sure.

We'll be there.

Oh, you're bringing your father.

Yeah. I thought,
"What the hell."

I just saw a cockroach.

It's heading right toward
your door.

Do you want me to kill it
for you?

I know. Okay, I got it.

So... see you at 9:00.

I've missed you, Mama.

I've missed me, too.

So, see, when I said
"be sweet..."

I know, I know.

So now what?

Well, she agreed
to have dinner with us.

Did she? What a sport.

We should find a hotel.

She agreed to have dinner.

We should check in, get settled.

Deigned. She deigned to dine.

You know,
when Ethan acts like this,

I take away his fire truck.

♪ I'd cry like a baby... ♪

The whole room was frozen.

And Lawrence said,
"What did he say?"

And Curtis said, "I quit,"

so Lawrence thought Curtis
was quitting

and he called him
a goddamn pansy.

I'm sorry, Archie.

You don't have
to keep apologizing.

I did not mean to just walk out
on you guys like that.

We were all dressed up,

- had our corsages on.
- I know.

You heard we didn't put out,
that's why you walked, right?

Yes, that was it.

Doesn't pay to be
a nice girl anymore.

♪ I'd let out a wail ♪

Shit. Sally.

- You going for a record?
- Yes.

To go along with my
biggest asshole trophy.

You know, if you talked
to your uncle...

- No.
- I know he'd let you come back.

- Forget it.
- You were on fire before you left.

He doesn't want to lose you now.

I was drowning before I left.

That place was like a tomb.

A mausoleum.

Filled with people who are dead.

Their souls died years ago,
they just don't know it yet.

- And you.
- Thank you.

So what do you do now?

Now I find an apartment.

Tired of living
at your parents' house?

What grown man wouldn't love
living with his parents?

- Yeah? Fun?
- So fun.

I stay out till they're asleep,
I get up before they're awake.

Sounds exhausting.

I've seen a couple of places,

but I need something big enough
for Ethan to say over,

but not so big
that I have to pay for it.

Sure, one of those nice spacious
free one bedrooms.

If you hear of anything...

Sally's.

Joel, phone.

Hello?

Well, what did she say it was?

♪ Fourth of July... ♪

Is she okay?

♪ If you ever said... ♪

Did she say why it's
so important?

♪ You were leaving for good... ♪

Okay. I'll call her right away.

Thank you, Mrs. Moskowitz.

Something wrong?

My mother wants me to call her.

♪ I'd cry like a baby ♪

♪ With a busted balloon ♪

♪ I'd let out a wail ♪

- Hello?
- Hello, Ma, what's wrong?

Oh, Joel, hello.

- What's going on?
- Nothing, why?

I got a message there was
an emergency.

- Who told you that?
- Ma, you called Mrs. Moskowitz,

said you had to talk to me.

Well, here I am. Talk.

Oh, I was out of cheese.

You were out of cheese.

Your father had people over

and I wanted to serve cheese.

- And that's it?
- Yes.

Well, now I'm on the edge
of my seat, so what happened?

I found some.

You should go to Hollywood, Ma.

They'd pay big money
for that story.

It's not a story.

You don't believe your mother?
Fine.

You'll miss me when I'm dead.

Okay, good-bye.

Oh, shit.

Is that the time?
I have to go.

- You sure?
- I'm sure. I'm sorry.

That'll be eight bucks, boys.

Buy yourself something nice.

Boy, we're getting really good
at this drinking thing.

If you're gonna do something,
do it right.

If I don't get back
to the office,

they're gonna think I quit, too.

So, drinks tomorrow?

Same place, same stool?

You're on.

Hey, Joel, what the hell

was that tape we heard that day
at the record store?

I mean, that was Midge, right?

Yeah, she got drunk at a party,
started talking.

Some asshole taped it.

Happens to the best of us, pal.

- See ya tomorrow.
- Yup.

Some people say
that women aren't funny.

Ah, I think the only people
who say that

are men who aren't funny.

Times are changing.

Buy a new watch, pal.

Mm, I actually think people

are interested in what
a woman has to say.

Maybe they don't admit it.

You think the fact she's
so attractive is a problem?

- For who?
- Jackie.

Maybe it's confusing to some,
but there's a brain there.

And people are talking
about shit nowadays.

The Pope, you think Bruce

could've mentioned the Pope
ten years ago?

Well, he sure as shit
is mentioning him now.

You want another coffee?
Jackie, get him another coffee.

So when she walked in here
the first night,

she was raw,
but you could see it.

- I sure did.
- Just the coffee, please.

I'm just saying, as a man,
I saw that she had thoughts.

You were here when Susie
discovered her?

Was I here? I'm always here.

Just waiting for something
to happen, man.

It's a boring fucking place.

That could change any minute,
Jackie.

So what is the connection
with Lenny Bruce?

- They dating?
- No, they are not dating.

He's her champion.

And when the best
spots the best,

you can bet it's the best.

Wait, cross that out.
I sound like an idiot.

I just mean, he's the top,

but he sees who's coming up
behind him.

So where do you go from here?

We'll, we're, uh,

working on expanding
her profile.

Articles like this
are gonna help.

Uh, we're being choosy,

picking the right clubs;
eventually,

Mrs. Maisel's gonna be
a household name.

Mark my words, pal.

Can I help you guys?

- This the one?
- I think so.

I thought it was a girl.

Yeah, it's supposed to be
a girl.

Is this a girl?
This doesn't look like a girl.

It came out of the club
when they said she would.

- Hey, you a girl?
- I'm not sure what

- the best answer is here.
- I don't think it's a girl.

This is why we need
a fucking picture.

Wait.

I see it now.
It could be a girl.

All right.
We're gonna take a walk.

- Where?
- None of your business. Just walk.

- Can I finish my slice?
- Do you understand you're in

- a little bit of trouble here?
- I'm picking up on that.

We're gonna go somewhere, we're
gonna have a talk. Now move.

Nothing but roadwork.

This whole town's
a crumbling shit hole.

What the hell do you think
you're doing?

- Stretching.
- Well, don't.

You work for Harry Drake, right?

Who knows.

Well, you do, theoretically.

Shut up. That's what I know.

- Where are we going?
- You'll find out.

Now sit back and make like
The Miracle Worker.

Hey, Frank, I got to say,
I don't know how I feel

about roughing up a girl.

- We don't know it's a girl.
- It's a girl.

Fuck you, Annie Sullivan.

- Annie Sullivan could talk.
- Not in my car, she couldn't.

- Doesn't seem right.
- We do what we're told.

My sister's a girl.

Look, it's not my favorite
assignment, either,

but we chose this line of work.

You want to be a garbage man?

Fuck, I'd love to be
a garbage man.

- Time and a half on weekends.
- Great benefits.

Shut the fuck up!

It's nice that you like theater.

Zelda?

Zelda?

Zelda? Zelda, can you hear me?

Miss Miriam?

Did you find Mrs. Weissman?

We did.

Did she get her underwear?

- I did not ask.
- Tell her I sent her underwear.

I will let her know.

- Is Mr. Weissman calm?
- Not at all.

Put two jiggers of schnapps
in his coffee.

- He will fall right to sleep.
- Good tip.

It works for Ethan, too.

- How are the kids?
- They're fine.

Mr. Maisel took Ethan
to the movies today.

Oh. Th-That's great.

Uh, did, um, did Mr. Maisel
leave a message?

- For who?
- For me.

- No.
- Did he leave a number?

- No.
- Oh.

But he did say if you need him,
just leave some words

at his father's
and someone will tell him.

So he did leave a message?

Oh, yes. That's a message?

- That is a message.
- Well, he left that.

I am sorry for you, Miss Miriam.

To lose the boy who climbs
out your window, that is hard.

She's coming. She's coming.

Zelda? Zelda, I have to go.

Kiss the children for me.

That's her, right?

You don't recognize
your own wife?

I haven't recognized her
since I got here.

She just walked right through a
puddle. Right through a puddle!

- Bonsoir, Ronan.
- Bonsoir, Rose.

- Mama?
- Oh, there you are, Miriam.

Mwah, mwah. Abe.

- I guess we're walking.
- Mm-hmm.

I hope you're all starving
because I am.

They have the best bread
in the world.

They get it from this mad,
little man around the corner.

Oh, uh, no, thank you. Okay.

- Proost.
- Proost.

Leave him out of it.

So tell me, how do you
like Paris so far?

It's very Parisian.

It's the most beautiful city
in the world.

They talk about the light
in New York,

but when the sun sets here,
it's magic.

It's why all the great artists
in the world

- are so drawn to this place.
- She brought the dog.

We found an adorable hotel
right near here.

Oh, yes? What's it called?

Le something.

Oh, delicious.

What is this?

Simone's favorite.
Steak tartare.

- We're eating dog food?
- No. She's eating people food.

It's raw.
Is it supposed to be raw?

You know, you should go
to the Louvre tomorrow.

Get a little culture
before you head back home.

I was thinking we could all
spend a day or so

seeing the sights
before we all head back home,

the collective we.
We three, we.

Mama, did you hear what Papa
just said about the sightseeing?

And the coming home?

Well, sightseeing
would be lovely.

What about the coming home?

Oh, dear. She threw up.
We'll need a napkin.

Rose, please. It's a dog.
It'll clean that up itself.

Let's talk about
getting you home.

I think we should have
the chicken.

I know that sounds simple,
but a well-made roast chicken

is the sign
of a truly great chef.

Chicken sounds great.
So, tomorrow?

Stay in the moment, Miriam.

You need to learn
to stay in the moment.

Look around.
See where you are.

You're in Paris. Take it in.

Internalize it.

Not to cut the internalizing
short or anything,

but we really do need
to make some plans.

I don't make plans anymore.

Because we have a life
back in New York

and up until recently,
it was a pretty good life.

It was fine.

Ah, it was a little better
than "fine."

We had D. Porthault sheets.

I'm not even sure what that is,
but people always seemed

so impressed when you
mentioned it to them.

Yes, that did stop a room.

So, what do you think?
Maybe a few more days?

Mm, I don't know.

A week. Two weeks.

No, I have a life here, Abe.

Mama, this isn't your real life.

It's not?

Rose, will you please stop
talking to the dog?

All right, Abe. My goodness.
So threatened by a little dog.

I'm not threatened by a dog.

I'm trying to discuss
something serious.

When are you coming home?

- I'm not.
- This is ridiculous. Both of you.

W-We need to come
to some sort of resolution here.

I have to get back.

I have work. I-I have children.

- Then you should go.
- Not without you.

- I'm happy here.
- Bullshit!

Oh, zip it, Simone.

Okay.

I've sat here long enough.
You want to play it like that?

Fine. Miriam, go home.

Me? I am not going home
without my wife. Period.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
my dinnertime is 6:00.

Only gangsters eat at 9:00

after some bootlegging
and a hot game of craps.

We will continue
this nightmare tomorrow.

More wine?

So, was that
a chicken or was that a chicken?

That was a chicken.

Mama, how long are you gonna
torture Papa like this?

- Oh, your father's just fine.
- No.

No, he's not fine.
He's going out of his mind.

As soon as he realizes
he can put a bookshelf

where my vanity is,
he'll be just fine.

- I don't understand you.
- You don't?

You made your point. You won.

I-I know we all let you down,

but you have punished us.
You've punished him.

He-he came here
to say "I'm sorry."

I didn't hear him say
"I'm sorry."

Did you hear him say
"I'm sorry"?

- You know what I mean.
- I speak two languages.

I didn't hear him say
"I'm sorry"

- in either one of them.
- He came here.

That is "I'm sorry"
in Abe speak.

- It's not good enough.
- What more does he need to do?

Nothing. I'm not asking him
to do anything.

- I didn't ask him to come here.
- Oh, come on.

You thought
he was just gonna let you leave?

I didn't think about it
in those terms.

What terms
did you think of it in?

I was unhappy. I didn't want
to be unhappy anymore.

But you're married.
You-you have a life.

You have grandchildren.
Remember your grandchildren?

- I do. They're very pleasant.
- Mama.

They can visit.
Ethan can learn to fish,

and when Esther's old enough
to have that nose fixed,

the best doctors in the world
are here for that.

What about me?
Don't you miss me?

- You're here.
- But I have to leave.

- You'll come back.
- What about Papa?

Your father's always been very
good at taking care of himself.

Mama, listen to me.
You have to get over this.

The world is full
of disappointments,

and sometimes people
let you down.

You can't just run away.

What are you getting
so upset about?

You made a commitment
to this man.

He is your husband.

You have to go back to him!

Well, look who's talking.

Allons-y, Simone.

Hey, drunk or dead?

- Drunk.
- You can tell from here?

I got an eye.

You play the ponies?

Once in a while. To relax.

My uncle played the ponies.

Played every day for five years.

Hmm. Then what?
He learned his lesson?

I don't know.

One day he disappeared,
we never saw him again.

- Oh, you're kidding.
- Eh.

He owed someone something.
They collected.

I got his jacket, though.

- Oh, sorry about that.
- Yeah.

He might've just moved. Ran.

We got sent a thumb.
To be totally honest,

by the time it goes
through the postal system,

you can't really tell who
a thumb belongs to.

Thumb, huh? Could be Salvatore.
He does thumb work.

This is Clinton-Washington.

Next stop,
Broadway-East New York.

Going to the Rockaways, huh?

Who said that?

Well, there's nowhere else to go
from here but to the Rockaways.

I should know. I grew up there.

You're from the Rockaways?

Yeah, Broad Channel Avenue.

Hey, I'm over on Seagull.

Whoa,
you're in the fancy section.

I don't believe it.
Frank, did you hear?

- A girl from the Rockaways.
- You never meet one of those.

Well, you meet 'em.
They just don't admit it.

Hey, is Greenie's Luncheonette
still there?

Oh, no. We burned it down.

Oh, shame.
They made a great patty melt.

Yeah, yeah, they did at that.

A Rockaways girl. Heh!

Oh, man,
you are right on the water.

Yep. This was my parents' place.

My brother and I
had a big fight over it.

Let me guess who won.

- Excuse me?
- Oh, American. Wonderful.

25 francs for the show.

Open the tiny purse.

Yes. Thank you.

Sit, sit, sit.

Excuse me,
can I bum a cigarette?

French got tough lungs,
I'll give 'em that.

Your zipper.

Just let me...

Ooh.

Oh, y-you don't understand.
I'm-I'm just trying to...

Oh, hello. Oh. Uh...

I don't know what you're asking.

Miss America!

Wait, you're...

You're men? All of you?

Did you know this?

Ye-Yes, you probably
did know this.

That's probably why
you came here.

My God, I've never seen
anything like this.

I-I mean, in-in college
there were plays

where some of the boys would
dress up like girls for a joke,

you know, "Honeybun"
for the talent show,

but that-that was just socks

stuffed into their
mother's bras.

They never looked like that.

I-I don't think men
do this in America.

- Oh, they do.
- You're an American.

Sort of. I'm a New Yorker.

So am I. What a small world.
Are you on vacation?

Oh, no. I live here now.

Really? So does my mother.

Well, she doesn't
really live here.

She moved here
to spite my father,

and now she shares a bathroom
with five men,

so not sure who won
the first round.

Uh, so-so my-my father

came here to bring her back,

and he brought me along because
he thought I spoke French,

which I don't.
I wish I did.

Hey, how much did they
charge you for the show?

- 20 francs.
- Yeah. I had a feeling.

Uh, a-anyhow,
it's-it's not going so well

between the two of them,
and I feel a little guilty

because it's kind of my fault
my father is in this situation.

I decided this year
to totally uproot my life

and became a different person.

I guess you all know
what that's like, huh?

Have you ever done that?

Have you ever had
your entire life

change over the course
of a few months?

I mean, besides being occupied.
That had to be a shift.

Hey, uh, could you,
could you maybe...

Okay.

Perfect.

I used to have the perfect life.

And then it was
completely upended

when my husband had an affair.

He cheated on me.

That's a bad thing.

Who here has ever
been attacked in public

by their husband's secretary?

Oh.

Right. It's France.

Back in America,
that line gets bupkis.

Anyhow, my-my husband's cheating
started a chain of events

that led to me spontaneously
getting up on stage

and telling complete strangers,

some of whom don't even
speak my language,

all about my humiliating life.

And the more I did it,

the more I could not
stop doing it,

and the next thing I knew,

twice a week
I'm saying "fuck" onstage.

Damn it, your waist is small.

It's smaller than mine.

Can you just turn the other way?

Seriously, your lipstick
is killing me.

Well, that was a mistake.

Your ass is better
than your tits.

Okay.

Is it, is it really necessary
to be that beautiful?

Because frankly,
it's incredibly unfair.

It's not enough that women have
to compete with other women,

now men are getting in the mix?

You can't have it all.

You can't run the world and have
all the pretty underwear, too.

The competition wasn't
stiff enough with the hoards

of slutty secretaries
roaming the Earth?

That's like y-you're already
fighting with some asshole

who's trying to get
in front of you in line

and steal your cab at Bendel's

while you got one arm
full of shopping bags

and the other's
holding onto your son

so he doesn't run away
and drink from the puddles,

and then out of the blue
a mugger comes along

and hits you over the head
with a piece of pipe

he found at a construction site
and completely knocks you out!

See? You see, right?

- It's fun to be up here.
- Whew.

The-the laughter...

...the adoration,

the power of the microphone.

It's intoxicating.
Dangerous, too.

You remember
my cheating husband?

Or as you'd say, "husband"?

After his affair...

...or as you'd say, "Thursday."

He came back.

And it seemed like
maybe we could

put the whole sordid affair
behind us, you know,

be French, and then one night...

You've been a great
audience, ladies and gentlemen.

That's it for me.
My name is Mrs. Maisel.

Thank you and goodnight!

It worked!

They loved it! That was great!
Wasn't I great?

My God, the arrogance.
I've created a monster.

You're Norman Mailer
in a cocktail dress.

Okay, fine, I'm sorry.
Just tell me, was it good?

Come on, you don't need me
to say it, do you?

Okay, you're up.

I'm not going on after that.
Are you kidding me?

- You afraid to follow a girl?
- Always and everywhere.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen,

the reason why
we're here tonight,

I give you, Lenny Bruce!

Will Elizabeth Taylor
become Bar Mitzvah'ed?

No, I promise continuity,
I'll behave myself.

I'll do all the lines
that we rehearsed.

That's the thing, you know,

I have a, uh, reputation

for being sort of controversial
and irreverent

and-and also the semantic
bear trap of bad taste.

And actually I do have

and-and always will be
accused of bad taste

by the people
who eat in restaurants

to reserve service,

you know, that kind of scene.

Yeah. But you
might be interested

in how I became offensive.

Like, it started in school,

uh, with, um... drinking,

and, uh, I was...

Really, I was, like, this
real depressed kid, you know.

And, uh,
seven or eight years old,

and I'd get really juiced

and out of my head, and...

Yeah, yeah, so the teacher would
really get bummed, you know,

with me singing and carrying on

and calling Columbus a fink,

and-and boosting Aaron Burr,

and then smoking.

See, I don't know
if you can see this,

but I have this tattoo.
Can you see that?

- Aah! Did you see?
- Yeah. You were amazing.

I was amazing.

What's the matter?

Nothing. Just a funny story.

While you were up there,
Joel came in.

- What?
- Yeah. He was here and he saw...

How much did he hear?

- I don't know.
- How much?

Well... all of it.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Did he, did he seem upset?

A little.
He said some things.

- You talked to him?
- For a second.

What-what did he say?

That he was upset.

- What did you say?
- I said you were a great comic,

and you were gonna be a star.

And I might have called him
Sal Mineo.

Which I would like to point out

that many people
would take as a compliment.

Shit. Shit, shit...

Miriam, where are you going?

I didn't know you
were gonna be there.

And what would you have done
if you did know?

I'm sorry.

For what?

I'm sorry you had to hear that.

I should probably
get off the stage now.

Uh...

Thank you for listening.

My name is Mrs. Maisel.

That's my stage name.

I-I gave it to myself
when I thought

I was actually gonna be
Mrs. Maisel,

and then after it just seemed
darkly ironic, so...

I kept it.

So...

bye.

Here's the card
of a psychiatrist

who just moved to New York
from Boston.

He's done wonders
for my friend Sylvia Plath.

Call him.

Thanks.

♪ Autumn in New York ♪

♪ Why does it seem
so inviting? ♪

I just can't understand

what goes on
in that head of yours!

It's like a panoply
of meshuggeneh!

- He's our son.
- He's not in the business.

- He doesn't understand.
- He's smart. Explain it.

No, I don't want to explain it.

He chose to keep
his life separate,

so, goddamm it,
keep it separate!

Well, I didn't
tell him anything.

You called him! You
called him like a crazy person.

If I hadn't gotten
to you first...

Well, you did and I covered.

You covered? Like a
Yiddish Theda Bara you covered.

He thinks I ran out
of cheese. He thinks I'm insane.

- He's right!
- He could help.

Bullshit!
The company is my business.

I'll take care of it.

- Fine.
- Understand?

Fine! Yes! Fine!

I can't believe
you shot a clown.

His flower... whoa...
started spewing water

all over the place.

Colored scarves were
shooting out of his mouth.

People were killing themselves
to get out of that Volkswagen.

It was great.

I have to tell you, Saverina,
this food is amazing.

I never had moussaka before.

Wouldn't you know
I go out of my way

to marry a Sicilian girl,
and all she cooks is Greek.

Hey, Sophia,

you find that quarter I hid yet?

No.

Oh, you don't find it
by the time I finish,

I'm taking it back.

No, no, no, no, no!

Cute kid.

- Thanks.
- So, Susie,

we've been talking,
and if you want us

to do a little digging
about your uncle,

we know where they, you know,
do a little digging,

if you get my drift.

Wow, that is a really
sweet offer,

but no one really misses him.

Thanks, though.

Mmm... this is better
than the moussaka.

Seriously, Saverina,
you are a genius.

Wait till you taste her dessert.

You know what, this is the best
abduction I've ever had.

I'm serious here.

Hey, our pleasure.

God, it's so good.

Ah, shit! Almost.

I'll tell you one thing,
you don't throw like a girl.

Okay, okay, okay. Ha!

Asshole.

Every time.
He hits it every time.

I roughed up
a Major League pitcher once.

Yeah, what, so you got
his abilities through osmosis?

No, but he gave me some tips
before I broke his arm.

Okay, here goes nothing.

I'm fighting the wind.

- Oh, come on.
- What? - There was a gust of wind

that came right as
I started to throw.

The only wind out here is coming
out of your ass, pal.

- I win. Five bucks. Pay up.
- I don't have any money.

Guess you're just gonna
have to kill me.

Speaking of killing me,
it's getting pretty late here.

Okay, come on.
Let's get you home.

Oh, hey,
a little business first.

You skated here tonight, Susie.

You're from the neighborhood,
we like you,

my family likes you,
so we're gonna just

tell our boss
we couldn't find you.

I appreciate that, Frank.

But this problem
isn't going away,

and next time they could
send some other guys.

Guys who don't have a problem
roughing up a girl.

They could send Tony.

Tony beat the shit
out of Martha Raye last week.

Had a steak dinner
at Keens after.

- Yeah, I get it.
- It would be good if you could

find a way
to resolve this problem

before that happens, okay?

Now, come on.

Saverina made you
a fuckin' doggie bag.

♪ Picture me ♪

♪ Upon your knee ♪

♪ With tea for two ♪

♪ And two for tea ♪

♪ Me for you ♪

♪ And you for me ♪

♪ Alone. ♪

Joely! Joely!

- What, Ma?
- You have a call. Collect.

- Okay.
- Collect! Collect!

- I'm coming.
- Collect! Let's go!

- Geez, Ma.
- When you hear "collect,"

you get your tuchis out here.

- Hello?
- Joel?

Midge? What's the matter?

So, this is how it's gonna be
from now on?

I call, and it's,
"Midge, what's the matter?"

No. No, but...
what's the matter?

You won't leave a number.
You won't talk to me.

I-I can't find you.
I don't know where you are.

I'm at my parents'.

No, I know you're
at your parents'.

- Then you know where I am.
- I don't... I don't mean

I want to know where you are,
I mean I want to know

where you are;
I want to talk.

I think it would be better to
have a little space right now.

- Why? Why?!
- Midge, you know why.

No. It was,
it was just that night.

That night screwed
everything up.

Hey, what's going on
with you tonight?

Where's this coming from?

It's coming from me.

It's coming from
that fucking bridge.

What bridge?

I hear sirens.

That's not New York.
Where are you?

- France.
- What?!

I want to talk about our future.

- Did you say France?
- Because I really think we can work this out.

Midge...

- We have children.
- Yes.

We will have to
see each other forever.

- Yes.
- Until we are dead.

- Yes.
- And then for four to six months after.

Okay, apparently you know
something I don't.

So we are never gonna be
fully out of each other's lives.

- I know that.
- So, if we can't ever leave,

then let's figure out
how to stay.

- Midge, come on.
- We were on a path.

We were heading somewhere.
We were almost there.

- I know.
- It was just that night at the club.

That's it. I-If that
hadn't have happened...

- It happened.
- But... I don't understand.

I don't understand why
we can't work it out.

There has to be a way.

- There's not.
- Don't say that.

I love you, Joel.

I love you, too.

I am in love with you.
So deeply in love with you.

- You're killing me, Midge.
- We can do this.

We can figure this out.
I can figure this out.

I can figure anything out.
I am amazing.

I know you are, you don't have
to tell me any of this.

So then, why? Why?
Tell me why.

Because for us to be together,
you'd have to give it up.

What? Stand-up?

I can't be in a marriage
where my wife is going off

and talking about me
to a room full of strangers.

Talking about my faults,
my mistakes, my failures.

Y-You don't understand,
the whole point is

you go off
and talk about your life.

No, no, no, I do understand.
I understand completely.

I know you have to talk
about your life.

That's why you're good,
'cause you're honest.

It's real, it's authentic.

It's everything
I wasn't up there.

I get it.
I just can't live with it.

I wish I could.
Maybe another man could,

but I just can't be a joke.

You are not a joke.

Do you want to quit?

No.

I don't want you to quit either.

You're too good.

So... you see where
I'm going here?

Follow me down the road.
If you're not gonna stop,

I can't be there for it.

Now... why are you in France?

Long story.

I'd like to hear it sometime.

I love you.

I love you, too, honey.

And you're gonna be okay.

♪ One night in Paris ♪

♪ Is like a year
in any other place ♪

♪ One night in Paris ♪

♪ Will wipe the smile
off your pretty face ♪

♪ One girl in Paris ♪

♪ Is like loving every woman ♪

- ♪ One night in Paris ♪
- ♪ One night in Paris ♪

♪ One night in Paris ♪

♪ May be your last ♪

- ♪ Is he gonna buy? ♪
- MAN: You want a little culture?

♪ Is he gonna pay? ♪

Maybe Monsieur is into
photographs, non?

♪ Or is he gonna fall in love
the all-American way? ♪

I got a watch with
a beautiful Swiss movement.

♪ Is he gonna buy? ♪

Forget the watch,
I'll show you a good time!

♪ Is he gonna pay? ♪

Le connoisseur want
something different?

♪ Or is he gonna fall in love ♪

♪ The all-American way? ♪

♪ Oh, you know,
you ain't no Casanova ♪

♪ You can't even do
the Bossa Nova ♪

♪ Or the Tango ♪

♪ Or Samba ♪

♪ Though you are
so very charming ♪

♪ No, you ain't no ♪

♪ Casanova ♪

♪ One night in Paris ♪

♪ Is like a year
in any other place ♪

♪ One night in Paris ♪

♪ Will wipe the smile off
your pretty face ♪

♪ Each night in Paris ♪

- ♪ Each night in Paris ♪
- ♪ Each night in Paris ♪

♪ Each night in Paris ♪

♪ May be your last. ♪