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1
00:00:06,341 --> 00:00:08,466
["Say Hey (I Love You)" plays]
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♪ Hey ♪
3
00:00:12,383 --> 00:00:14,133
-♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
-♪ Uh-huh ♪
4
00:00:14,216 --> 00:00:16,925
♪ I say, hey, I'll be gone today ♪
5
00:00:17,133 --> 00:00:19,508
♪ But I'll be back all around the way ♪
6
00:00:19,716 --> 00:00:22,091
♪ It seems like everywhere I go ♪
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♪ The more I see, the less I know ♪
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00:00:24,675 --> 00:00:26,008
-♪ But I know ♪
-♪ I know ♪
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[Alan] You know, this Lamaze class
got me concerned.
10
00:00:28,800 --> 00:00:31,758
Is there really a chance that you're gonna
stop breathin' while givin' birth?
11
00:00:31,841 --> 00:00:33,341
-What?
-Like everything is going great,
12
00:00:33,425 --> 00:00:36,050
and I'm like, "One, two, three,"
and your face turns blue,
13
00:00:36,133 --> 00:00:39,216
and you stop breathing,
I'm like, "Breathe! Breathe!" [laughs]
14
00:00:39,300 --> 00:00:41,675
Alan, it's about us being ready.
15
00:00:41,883 --> 00:00:43,508
It's about us doing this together.
16
00:00:43,591 --> 00:00:47,091
Well, you know, girl, doing this together
is what got us here in the first place.
17
00:00:47,175 --> 00:00:49,591
Except your breathing was more like,
"Oh, Alan!
18
00:00:49,675 --> 00:00:50,675
-Oh, it's amazing!"
-Alan.
19
00:00:50,758 --> 00:00:52,133
-"Oh, Alan, it's so big!"
-Alan!
20
00:00:52,216 --> 00:00:54,675
-"It's so big!"
-Stop it! You're being ridiculous!
21
00:00:54,758 --> 00:00:55,758
[laughs]
22
00:00:55,841 --> 00:00:59,300
Oh, I gotta get back to work.
It's the last day before maternity leave.
23
00:00:59,383 --> 00:01:01,841
-I'm gonna miss work.
-Yeah, I wish I could say the same.
24
00:01:01,925 --> 00:01:03,466
-Linda's on a warpath.
-Oh.
25
00:01:03,550 --> 00:01:06,966
Apparently, Doug pitched a new
holiday e-card, and it didn't go so well.
26
00:01:07,050 --> 00:01:08,341
Babe, who's gonna send an e-card
27
00:01:08,425 --> 00:01:11,008
for someone graduating from rehab
for the second time?
28
00:01:11,091 --> 00:01:13,050
Well, it was a lot better
than "Happy Hoe-loween".
29
00:01:13,133 --> 00:01:14,925
You know, for women that wear
slutty costumes.
30
00:01:15,008 --> 00:01:18,133
Or what about "White Kwanzaa,"
which makes absolutely no sense at all.
31
00:01:18,216 --> 00:01:20,675
And don't forget to tell Linda
you're taking paternity leave.
32
00:01:20,758 --> 00:01:23,883
I know. Listen, nothing's more important
to me than my family,
33
00:01:23,966 --> 00:01:24,966
not even a partnership
34
00:01:25,050 --> 00:01:27,716
at the company I've been
busting my ass for all these years.
35
00:01:27,800 --> 00:01:29,966
You think maybe I should've
just slept my way to the top?
36
00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:32,008
Okay, babe. I'll see you later.
37
00:01:32,091 --> 00:01:34,633
Don't think Linda want it?
You see the way Linda looks at your boy!
38
00:01:34,716 --> 00:01:36,841
-Not interested in that conversation.
-Don't be jealous.
39
00:01:36,925 --> 00:01:37,966
-Mm-mm.
-[laughs]
40
00:01:38,300 --> 00:01:39,925
-I love you.
-[Marie] Love you, too.
41
00:01:40,008 --> 00:01:40,883
Bye.
42
00:01:43,675 --> 00:01:45,633
Linda, I wanna apologize for the pitch.
43
00:01:45,716 --> 00:01:48,508
You know, I've been delegating more
to the team, and I want...
44
00:01:49,841 --> 00:01:51,508
Y-You know, 'cause the baby's due soon--
45
00:01:51,841 --> 00:01:53,800
I know you got a lot on your plate, Alan.
46
00:01:53,883 --> 00:01:56,966
I won't pretend to understand,
I never wanted babies. Ick!
47
00:01:57,633 --> 00:01:59,133
[stammers] You know, um...
48
00:01:59,341 --> 00:02:01,966
I-I-I don't usually drink at work.
49
00:02:02,300 --> 00:02:03,133
[Linda] Hmm.
50
00:02:05,300 --> 00:02:06,466
-[slurps]
-Oh, damn.
51
00:02:06,550 --> 00:02:07,383
[gulps]
52
00:02:10,550 --> 00:02:11,383
Alan.
53
00:02:11,466 --> 00:02:13,675
There was a time when you took charge.
54
00:02:14,008 --> 00:02:16,341
You were aggressive. You dressed the part.
55
00:02:16,425 --> 00:02:19,133
You were becoming
the face of this company, literally!
56
00:02:20,008 --> 00:02:22,258
Now... everything's about...
57
00:02:22,341 --> 00:02:25,716
[mocking] "The baby. Ooh, me and my mom.
The baby is great." [grunts]
58
00:02:25,800 --> 00:02:28,050
Linda, that's what I wanted
to talk to you about.
59
00:02:28,675 --> 00:02:30,425
[stammers] I'm gonna be
taking some time off.
60
00:02:30,508 --> 00:02:32,175
-What?
-Just a month or so.
61
00:02:32,508 --> 00:02:33,800
It's like paternity leave.
62
00:02:33,883 --> 00:02:34,966
[Linda] Paternity leave?!
63
00:02:35,341 --> 00:02:37,008
You're in line for a partnership.
64
00:02:37,300 --> 00:02:40,216
Do you really think, Alan,
this is the right time to vacay?
65
00:02:40,300 --> 00:02:43,258
It's not a vacay.
I just want to be there for my family.
66
00:02:43,341 --> 00:02:45,508
And you know what?
That partnership, I earned it.
67
00:02:47,133 --> 00:02:50,800
Now, I have a baby appointment,
and I promised Marie I'd be there.
68
00:02:52,175 --> 00:02:53,175
[Linda] Fine!
69
00:02:53,258 --> 00:02:56,841
[mocking] Go to your little appointment
with your sonogram and your gel.
70
00:03:04,300 --> 00:03:06,466
[Dr. Greenberg] Everything looks great.
71
00:03:06,883 --> 00:03:09,341
Right where you'd expect to be
at 35 weeks.
72
00:03:09,425 --> 00:03:11,133
-[Marie chuckles]
-Thank you. Lights, please.
73
00:03:11,508 --> 00:03:14,300
Now, because of your advanced
maternal age--
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00:03:14,383 --> 00:03:16,008
Uh, I'm only 35.
75
00:03:16,091 --> 00:03:19,133
-And 35 is really 15 in Black-people age.
-Mm-hmm.
76
00:03:19,216 --> 00:03:20,716
You know that black don't crack...
77
00:03:20,800 --> 00:03:22,800
[both] ...unless you smoke it. Okay?
78
00:03:22,883 --> 00:03:26,758
Sure, but 35 is still considered
an elevated risk pregnancy.
79
00:03:26,841 --> 00:03:28,925
-Uh, no pre-eclampsia in your family?
-No.
80
00:03:29,008 --> 00:03:30,925
-No food allergies? No history of cancer?
-No.
81
00:03:31,008 --> 00:03:32,716
No, she has A-plus genes.
82
00:03:32,800 --> 00:03:34,716
You know, her daddy's a federal judge.
83
00:03:34,925 --> 00:03:37,300
She graduated top of her class
at Columbia Law,
84
00:03:37,383 --> 00:03:39,841
and she's the first
female partner in her firm.
85
00:03:39,925 --> 00:03:40,758
Hey, Doc...
86
00:03:41,175 --> 00:03:42,050
I trapped her.
87
00:03:42,133 --> 00:03:43,175
[both laugh]
88
00:03:43,258 --> 00:03:44,216
Uh, so...
89
00:03:44,300 --> 00:03:46,133
-Uh, one more thing...
-[Marie] Hmm?
90
00:03:46,216 --> 00:03:49,216
Alan... we don't have your family history.
91
00:03:49,300 --> 00:03:52,758
Oh, well, there's a perfectly good
explanation for that. I don't have one.
92
00:03:54,008 --> 00:03:56,883
See, I was put up for adoption,
and I was raised in foster homes.
93
00:03:56,966 --> 00:03:59,216
I moved around a lot.
I never really met my birth mother.
94
00:03:59,591 --> 00:04:03,050
Hence, no family medical history.
95
00:04:03,591 --> 00:04:04,550
[Marie] But...
96
00:04:04,633 --> 00:04:06,758
he checked out great
after his last physical.
97
00:04:06,841 --> 00:04:07,758
That's right.
98
00:04:08,008 --> 00:04:10,425
You are lookin'
at one perfect human specimen.
99
00:04:10,800 --> 00:04:12,466
Now, what more could you ask for?
100
00:04:13,216 --> 00:04:14,300
Girl!
101
00:04:14,591 --> 00:04:16,133
-Look at that!
-[Marie laughs]
102
00:04:16,216 --> 00:04:18,300
-Little baby gonna come out buff. [grunts]
-[growls]
103
00:04:18,383 --> 00:04:19,675
[upbeat music plays]
104
00:04:22,716 --> 00:04:24,300
[dog barking]
105
00:04:26,675 --> 00:04:28,591
[Alan] Why can't they just
put it in the chart,
106
00:04:28,925 --> 00:04:30,716
"Don't know family medical history"?
107
00:04:30,800 --> 00:04:33,716
She has to ask.
She's not judging you, baby.
108
00:04:33,800 --> 00:04:37,633
So what if I don't know if my family
has high blood pressure or diabetes,
109
00:04:37,716 --> 00:04:40,300
or the gene that gives you
the little webby thing between your toes
110
00:04:40,383 --> 00:04:42,425
that makes it impossible
to wear flip-flops?
111
00:04:42,508 --> 00:04:44,550
Listen, black people
don't even wear flip-flops.
112
00:04:44,633 --> 00:04:45,758
You're right, baby, we don't.
113
00:04:45,841 --> 00:04:48,050
Makes our heel hard and our baby toe ashy.
114
00:04:48,133 --> 00:04:49,258
[laughs]
115
00:04:49,341 --> 00:04:51,925
You know, and I've tried
every DNA website there is.
116
00:04:52,050 --> 00:04:55,425
I mean, all I found out was
I may be related to Cleopatra...
117
00:04:55,883 --> 00:04:57,466
and I'm 1/23 Irish.
118
00:04:57,550 --> 00:04:59,925
Alan, my father
is a federal circuit judge.
119
00:05:00,008 --> 00:05:02,008
I've told you this a million times.
120
00:05:02,091 --> 00:05:04,050
He'd be happy to help you
find your family.
121
00:05:04,133 --> 00:05:05,050
No. No, Marie.
122
00:05:05,133 --> 00:05:06,508
That man don't like me.
123
00:05:06,841 --> 00:05:09,508
He stopped liking you
after you started liking me.
124
00:05:09,591 --> 00:05:11,508
I don't wanna owe that man anything.
125
00:05:12,341 --> 00:05:13,175
Look, Alan.
126
00:05:13,258 --> 00:05:16,758
If this is as important to you
as you say it is,
127
00:05:17,133 --> 00:05:19,175
now is the perfect time to ask.
128
00:05:21,758 --> 00:05:23,966
[Alan] Who has a Sunday brunch
on a Saturday?
129
00:05:24,300 --> 00:05:25,675
Not even white folks do that.
130
00:05:25,758 --> 00:05:27,425
[Marie] My mom insisted.
131
00:05:27,675 --> 00:05:29,300
[Alan] Aw, I love your mommy.
132
00:05:29,716 --> 00:05:32,258
Only thing I don't like about your mommy
is your daddy.
133
00:05:32,341 --> 00:05:34,883
[both laughing]
134
00:05:34,966 --> 00:05:36,175
Surprise!
135
00:05:36,258 --> 00:05:37,175
[both gasp]
136
00:05:37,258 --> 00:05:38,758
-Oh.
-[Marie laughs]
137
00:05:39,050 --> 00:05:39,883
Mommy!
138
00:05:39,966 --> 00:05:41,716
-Oh, my little Pooh Bear!
-Oh!
139
00:05:41,841 --> 00:05:43,133
Never surprise a pregnant lady.
140
00:05:43,216 --> 00:05:44,383
Don't y'all know that?
141
00:05:44,508 --> 00:05:46,675
-Yeah, my water almost broke.
-[Janet] Marie.
142
00:05:46,800 --> 00:05:48,341
The whole family is here for you.
143
00:05:48,425 --> 00:05:49,425
Really?
144
00:05:49,508 --> 00:05:51,675
Your sisters, every aunt, uncle, cousin!
145
00:05:51,758 --> 00:05:53,175
-Cousins, cousins, cousins.
-Oh, Mom.
146
00:05:53,258 --> 00:05:55,383
-This is like a Tyler Perry movie in here.
-Oh, stop it.
147
00:05:57,258 --> 00:06:00,800
[Alan] So, Doug, your date,
she seems really, um...
148
00:06:01,675 --> 00:06:02,925
-outgoing.
-Oh, yeah.
149
00:06:03,341 --> 00:06:05,341
-She's a Russian aerial dancer.
-[Alan] Okay.
150
00:06:05,425 --> 00:06:07,175
-You know, like with ribbons?
-Yeah, yeah.
151
00:06:07,258 --> 00:06:08,341
That, or she's a spy.
152
00:06:08,633 --> 00:06:11,133
Or maybe she's just a thief. I'm not sure.
153
00:06:11,258 --> 00:06:14,175
But I'm keeping my sensitive documents
in a safe just in case.
154
00:06:14,258 --> 00:06:15,258
Smart man.
155
00:06:15,383 --> 00:06:16,925
-Doug.
-Marie.
156
00:06:17,008 --> 00:06:18,758
Oh, thank you so much for coming!
157
00:06:18,841 --> 00:06:20,216
Oh, such a great shower!
158
00:06:20,300 --> 00:06:23,091
-And these mommy-mosas are on fleek.
-[Marie] Right?
159
00:06:23,175 --> 00:06:24,425
-We don't say that.
-Mm-mm.
160
00:06:24,508 --> 00:06:25,966
Uh, off the chain.
161
00:06:26,050 --> 00:06:26,925
-That's old.
-No.
162
00:06:27,008 --> 00:06:28,758
-They're the bomb.
-[Alan and Marie] Stop.
163
00:06:29,925 --> 00:06:31,633
Uh, shit, she's stealing.
164
00:06:31,716 --> 00:06:32,966
-[Marie] What?
-Excuse me.
165
00:06:33,050 --> 00:06:36,133
-[speaking Russian] Nyet, nyet, nyet.
-Da.
166
00:06:36,216 --> 00:06:37,050
So...
167
00:06:37,425 --> 00:06:38,800
Dad's at the grill,
168
00:06:38,883 --> 00:06:41,508
so now's the perfect chance
to talk to him.
169
00:06:42,383 --> 00:06:43,800
[sizzling]
170
00:06:44,216 --> 00:06:45,300
-Hey.
-Hmm?
171
00:06:45,383 --> 00:06:46,216
Um...
172
00:06:46,633 --> 00:06:48,091
-Dad, I was...
-Ooh.
173
00:06:49,091 --> 00:06:50,466
Sorry. Judge...
174
00:06:50,550 --> 00:06:51,716
-Mm-hmm.
-[Alan] Sir.
175
00:06:52,925 --> 00:06:54,925
I got something I wanted
to talk to you about.
176
00:06:55,008 --> 00:06:57,008
You know, I wasn't exactly in favor
177
00:06:57,550 --> 00:06:58,966
of you marrying my daughter.
178
00:06:59,050 --> 00:06:59,883
Yeah.
179
00:06:59,966 --> 00:07:02,550
You kind of mentioned that
during the wedding,
180
00:07:03,258 --> 00:07:06,758
when the preacher said,
"Speak now or forever hold your peace."
181
00:07:06,841 --> 00:07:08,591
You... you didn't hold your peace.
182
00:07:08,675 --> 00:07:11,258
Alan, I'm trying to make sure
that you understand that you're...
183
00:07:11,341 --> 00:07:13,550
you're about to become
the father of my grandchild.
184
00:07:13,633 --> 00:07:15,966
I know this. And that-- that-- Sir.
185
00:07:16,383 --> 00:07:19,050
[stammering] I leased a brand new SUV.
186
00:07:19,133 --> 00:07:21,008
It's red, so everybody knows it's coming.
187
00:07:21,091 --> 00:07:23,300
Got the little "Baby On Board" sticker
in the back,
188
00:07:23,383 --> 00:07:26,008
and I'm almost finished with the nursery.
189
00:07:26,091 --> 00:07:27,883
I got a few finishing touches
to put on, but--
190
00:07:27,966 --> 00:07:29,675
-[sizzling]
-[Leland] Damn it.
191
00:07:29,758 --> 00:07:31,841
That's not what I'm talking about.
192
00:07:34,133 --> 00:07:35,008
Son...
193
00:07:37,091 --> 00:07:38,966
I want to share something with you.
194
00:07:39,383 --> 00:07:41,883
Family is everything.
195
00:07:43,258 --> 00:07:44,800
You don't have a family.
196
00:07:45,258 --> 00:07:50,883
Now, Marie brings generations of success
to the table.
197
00:07:52,800 --> 00:07:54,300
What exactly are you bringing?
198
00:07:55,841 --> 00:07:57,341
I can throw with both arms.
199
00:07:59,175 --> 00:08:01,091
-You can throw with both arms?
-Mm-hmm.
200
00:08:03,008 --> 00:08:03,925
Listen, sir.
201
00:08:04,550 --> 00:08:06,591
I want to find my birth family.
202
00:08:07,091 --> 00:08:08,675
But see, I need a court order
203
00:08:08,758 --> 00:08:10,716
to unseal my adoption records.
204
00:08:11,716 --> 00:08:13,758
-Well, just so I'm clear...
-Yes.
205
00:08:13,841 --> 00:08:15,175
-So I'm clear...
-Mm-hmm.
206
00:08:15,258 --> 00:08:16,508
You're asking me for a favor?
207
00:08:16,591 --> 00:08:18,008
Not a favor. Like a...
208
00:08:18,091 --> 00:08:19,050
"Favor" is a big word.
209
00:08:19,133 --> 00:08:20,966
Like... adjust it. A "solid".
210
00:08:21,050 --> 00:08:23,675
No, no. I wanna hear "favor."
"Solid" doesn't work here.
211
00:08:24,133 --> 00:08:26,300
Can we not say "favor" so hard?
212
00:08:26,383 --> 00:08:29,383
"Judge, could you do me a favor?"
Can you say something like that?
213
00:08:29,716 --> 00:08:30,925
Can you do me a f--
214
00:08:32,925 --> 00:08:33,758
[exhales]
215
00:08:33,841 --> 00:08:35,050
Can you do me a favor?
216
00:08:35,925 --> 00:08:36,925
There you go.
217
00:08:37,716 --> 00:08:39,716
There you go.
That wasn't that hard, was it?
218
00:08:39,800 --> 00:08:41,383
-It was.
-It was actually easier
219
00:08:41,466 --> 00:08:42,883
than I thought it was going to be.
220
00:08:42,966 --> 00:08:44,133
You...You know, you...
221
00:08:45,258 --> 00:08:47,508
You're not much of a fighter,
are you, son?
222
00:08:47,591 --> 00:08:49,133
-Hmm?
-No.
223
00:08:49,216 --> 00:08:50,966
[paper rustling]
224
00:08:51,050 --> 00:08:52,716
[Marie chuckles] What is this?
225
00:08:53,758 --> 00:08:55,883
Aw! How cute is this?
226
00:08:55,966 --> 00:08:57,383
Alan, look.
227
00:08:58,216 --> 00:09:01,258
You know, I've been trying to get
that information for years,
228
00:09:01,466 --> 00:09:04,341
and your father got it
in less than an hour.
229
00:09:15,300 --> 00:09:16,216
Open it.
230
00:09:17,175 --> 00:09:20,300
Marie, now... Now, once I open this,
y-y-you know there's no going back.
231
00:09:20,383 --> 00:09:21,425
Open the damn thing!
232
00:09:23,258 --> 00:09:24,091
[sighs]
233
00:09:26,050 --> 00:09:27,175
Um, Marie...
234
00:09:28,258 --> 00:09:31,425
my whole life I always wondered
what my birth family was like.
235
00:09:32,175 --> 00:09:34,008
Where'd they come from?
Were they poor? And...
236
00:09:34,091 --> 00:09:35,383
And they worked hard,
237
00:09:35,466 --> 00:09:37,716
and then they started
a successful dry cleaning company,
238
00:09:37,800 --> 00:09:39,258
[stammers] and then they got rich,
239
00:09:39,341 --> 00:09:41,800
and they moved across town
to the East side,
240
00:09:41,883 --> 00:09:43,550
and then they bought
a deluxe apartment--
241
00:09:43,633 --> 00:09:44,508
Alan.
242
00:09:45,091 --> 00:09:46,008
That's The Jeffersons.
243
00:09:46,258 --> 00:09:47,550
I know, but a boy could dream.
244
00:09:47,633 --> 00:09:49,925
-Just open the dag-gone thing!
-Okay! Don't yell at me.
245
00:09:50,008 --> 00:09:51,716
[Marie] God! Just avoiding it.
246
00:09:52,341 --> 00:09:53,175
Come on.
247
00:09:53,383 --> 00:09:56,008
Baby, this is just stuff.
I can't... I can't make nothin' of this.
248
00:09:56,091 --> 00:09:59,383
Okay, okay, all right.
Records of Transfer...
249
00:09:59,841 --> 00:10:02,925
Oh, my gosh, Alan.
It's your birth certificate.
250
00:10:04,383 --> 00:10:05,258
Look.
251
00:10:06,508 --> 00:10:08,800
-[Alan] Oh, sh... Marie.
-[Marie chuckles]
252
00:10:08,883 --> 00:10:10,300
It's my birth certificate.
253
00:10:10,383 --> 00:10:11,591
[stammers] This is me!
254
00:10:11,675 --> 00:10:13,800
Yep, all five pounds
and six ounces of you.
255
00:10:13,883 --> 00:10:16,008
-Hey! That's a healthy baby!
-That's a good baby.
256
00:10:16,091 --> 00:10:16,925
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
257
00:10:17,008 --> 00:10:18,300
-A little slim.
-Little slim.
258
00:10:18,383 --> 00:10:20,466
Oh. No father on record.
259
00:10:21,091 --> 00:10:22,175
[both] Mm.
260
00:10:22,258 --> 00:10:23,841
Oh! Alan, look.
261
00:10:24,341 --> 00:10:26,800
Your birth mother's name is right here.
262
00:10:27,258 --> 00:10:29,175
Lynette Spellman.
263
00:10:30,383 --> 00:10:31,216
Lynette?
264
00:10:32,591 --> 00:10:34,466
Wow! You know any Lynettes?
265
00:10:34,550 --> 00:10:35,550
Uh, no.
266
00:10:35,883 --> 00:10:38,383
I know a Lynette. My barber,
the one that cuts my hair?
267
00:10:38,466 --> 00:10:39,633
-Uh-huh.
-She's a Lynette!
268
00:10:39,716 --> 00:10:40,550
-Shut up.
-Yeah.
269
00:10:40,633 --> 00:10:43,425
She faded it a little high, but I think
she was high when she faded it.
270
00:10:43,508 --> 00:10:45,633
-She did good.
-Maybe my mom owns a salon!
271
00:10:46,175 --> 00:10:47,425
Maybe she invented the weave.
272
00:10:47,800 --> 00:10:51,050
And you're wearin' a weave right now,
and that's why I was attracted to you,
273
00:10:51,133 --> 00:10:53,425
'cause you remind me
of the weave that my mama created!
274
00:10:53,508 --> 00:10:55,925
[gasps] Oh, my God,
maybe my mother's a millionaire!
275
00:10:56,008 --> 00:10:57,841
Well, maybe you could ask her yourself.
276
00:10:57,925 --> 00:10:59,883
Her address is right here.
277
00:11:00,341 --> 00:11:01,383
-My--
-Look at this.
278
00:11:02,466 --> 00:11:03,466
[Marie laughs]
279
00:11:07,091 --> 00:11:09,050
-I got a mommy.
-You got a mama, baby.
280
00:11:09,716 --> 00:11:11,133
-I got a mama.
-Baby.
281
00:11:11,216 --> 00:11:13,466
-I got a mama.
-Baby.
282
00:11:13,966 --> 00:11:15,508
-Hey.
-[Marie laughs]
283
00:11:15,591 --> 00:11:18,383
-You got a grand-mommy!
-You've got a grandma!
284
00:11:20,175 --> 00:11:24,050
-But what if she doesn't wanna meet me?
-How can she not wanna meet you?
285
00:11:24,633 --> 00:11:27,800
Now, listen, you better hurry up,
or you'll miss your chance.
286
00:11:27,883 --> 00:11:29,966
'Cause in a couple of weeks,
you're gonna have to focus
287
00:11:30,050 --> 00:11:31,383
on the family you have right here.
288
00:11:31,466 --> 00:11:32,508
[sighs]
289
00:11:32,966 --> 00:11:34,383
-Okay.
-Okay?
290
00:11:35,341 --> 00:11:36,258
Thank you.
291
00:11:38,966 --> 00:11:41,008
Don't worry. I'll be back.
292
00:11:41,091 --> 00:11:42,966
-Okay.
-[engine turns over]
293
00:11:43,300 --> 00:11:48,175
Probably in a helicopter,
because, you know, my mama is ballin'!
294
00:11:48,925 --> 00:11:50,300
[honks horn]
295
00:11:50,383 --> 00:11:52,341
Love you! A lot!
296
00:11:52,841 --> 00:11:54,966
Bye, baby! And other baby!
297
00:11:55,508 --> 00:11:56,675
["Up Up & Away" plays]
298
00:11:56,758 --> 00:11:59,175
♪ I feel so caught up, in a bud ♪
299
00:11:59,258 --> 00:12:01,300
♪ I float somehow in my bedroom ♪
300
00:12:01,550 --> 00:12:03,050
♪ Perfectly at peace ♪
301
00:12:03,133 --> 00:12:05,508
♪ So I move along a bit higher ♪
302
00:12:05,925 --> 00:12:07,300
♪ I'll be up, up, and away ♪
303
00:12:07,383 --> 00:12:08,966
♪ Up, up, and away ♪
304
00:12:09,258 --> 00:12:11,633
♪ 'Cause they're gonna judge me anyway ♪
305
00:12:11,716 --> 00:12:13,425
♪ So, whatever ♪
306
00:12:13,508 --> 00:12:15,425
♪ I'll be up, up, and away ♪
307
00:12:15,508 --> 00:12:16,633
♪ Up, up, and away ♪
308
00:12:16,716 --> 00:12:19,216
♪ 'Cause in the end
They'll judge me anyway ♪
309
00:12:19,716 --> 00:12:21,383
♪ So, whatever ♪
310
00:12:21,466 --> 00:12:23,466
♪ I'll be up, up, and away ♪
311
00:12:23,550 --> 00:12:24,675
♪ Up, up, and away ♪
312
00:12:24,758 --> 00:12:27,550
♪ 'Cause in the end
They'll judge me anyway ♪
313
00:12:27,716 --> 00:12:29,550
♪ So, whatever ♪
314
00:12:30,883 --> 00:12:32,091
What do I call her?
315
00:12:32,883 --> 00:12:33,925
Hey...
316
00:12:35,175 --> 00:12:36,133
Mom!
317
00:12:36,550 --> 00:12:38,175
I... I forgive you, Mom.
318
00:12:38,258 --> 00:12:40,550
Yeah, I'm not even a little bitter
that you wasn't around
319
00:12:40,633 --> 00:12:44,008
for the last 38 years, you frickin' bitch!
320
00:12:44,091 --> 00:12:45,008
I'm sorry.
321
00:12:45,341 --> 00:12:47,758
It's gonna be cool. It's gonna be good.
Mm-hmm.
322
00:13:01,425 --> 00:13:02,300
[sighs]
323
00:13:12,133 --> 00:13:13,383
[doorbell rings]
324
00:13:14,550 --> 00:13:15,383
[sighs]
325
00:13:27,675 --> 00:13:29,883
[man] Just leave the mail
on the porch!
326
00:13:31,633 --> 00:13:33,050
Oh, hey!
327
00:13:34,050 --> 00:13:35,591
[man] You're not our usual mailman.
328
00:13:36,300 --> 00:13:38,675
No, I'm-- I'm not with the Postal Service.
329
00:13:38,758 --> 00:13:42,675
Sir, I am anxiously awaiting
an episode of Mork & Mindy.
330
00:13:42,758 --> 00:13:45,383
So, you leave me no choice
to be somewhat rude
331
00:13:45,466 --> 00:13:47,550
and say, "Please, go away!"
332
00:13:49,050 --> 00:13:51,341
Who watches Mork & Mindy still?
333
00:13:53,466 --> 00:13:55,008
[knocking] Sir!
334
00:13:55,091 --> 00:13:57,008
Does Lynette Spellman live here?
335
00:13:57,675 --> 00:14:00,175
No. And I'll say it in Spanish,
336
00:14:00,550 --> 00:14:02,008
"El no."
337
00:14:07,091 --> 00:14:10,383
Then, why is "L. Spellman" on the mailbox?
338
00:14:12,675 --> 00:14:13,550
Very well.
339
00:14:14,091 --> 00:14:15,341
But she's not here.
340
00:14:15,425 --> 00:14:16,925
Really? Damn it.
341
00:14:17,008 --> 00:14:18,091
What do you want?
342
00:14:18,508 --> 00:14:19,341
[sighs]
343
00:14:20,758 --> 00:14:21,883
My name is Alan,
344
00:14:22,466 --> 00:14:24,466
and Lynette Spellman is my mother.
345
00:14:24,550 --> 00:14:25,716
[laughing]
346
00:14:25,800 --> 00:14:26,716
[snorting]
347
00:14:26,800 --> 00:14:30,966
Lynette Spellman only has one son,
and his name is Russell.
348
00:14:31,050 --> 00:14:32,716
Right. I have proof.
349
00:14:32,800 --> 00:14:35,216
[paper rustling]
350
00:14:40,091 --> 00:14:42,425
What in the quantum leap?
351
00:14:56,591 --> 00:14:57,425
Give me that.
352
00:14:59,425 --> 00:15:00,508
This can't be.
353
00:15:00,883 --> 00:15:01,716
I'm her son!
354
00:15:02,091 --> 00:15:03,633
This... This is a mistake!
355
00:15:03,716 --> 00:15:05,091
Wait, you're her son?
356
00:15:06,258 --> 00:15:08,508
I'm her son. That means we're brothers!
357
00:15:09,050 --> 00:15:11,591
Wait. You're my brother, Russell!
358
00:15:11,675 --> 00:15:14,508
No, no, no, no. No, no. Look, right there.
You see that? See that?
359
00:15:14,591 --> 00:15:17,675
See that misprint? See that date there,
that's my birthday.
360
00:15:17,966 --> 00:15:19,591
-And, see--
-Yeah, but that's my birthday.
361
00:15:19,675 --> 00:15:22,258
Yeah, but that would only make sense
if, in fact,
362
00:15:22,341 --> 00:15:24,258
you and I were... [chuckles]
363
00:15:27,008 --> 00:15:28,383
Twins.
364
00:15:31,925 --> 00:15:33,800
We're twins.
365
00:15:35,675 --> 00:15:36,716
Russell!
366
00:15:37,800 --> 00:15:39,175
We're twins!
367
00:15:39,716 --> 00:15:41,341
Come here, bro!
368
00:15:42,383 --> 00:15:43,383
This is awkward.
369
00:15:44,300 --> 00:15:46,050
I've never had a man hug me before.
370
00:15:46,550 --> 00:15:49,300
If you don't release me, I'm gonna be
forced to use my warning whistle
371
00:15:49,383 --> 00:15:50,300
Mother gave me.
372
00:15:50,966 --> 00:15:52,008
Okay, I warned you.
373
00:15:52,091 --> 00:15:53,716
-[whistles]
-All right, shh, shh! Hey!
374
00:15:53,800 --> 00:15:55,883
-Stranger danger! Stranger danger!
-[dogs barking]
375
00:15:57,758 --> 00:15:59,133
Can we... Can we go inside?
376
00:15:59,550 --> 00:16:01,591
Don't touch anything
with your measly hands.
377
00:16:01,675 --> 00:16:03,341
Everything here is very valuable.
378
00:16:03,425 --> 00:16:05,716
These are antiques,
especially the TV Guide,
379
00:16:05,800 --> 00:16:07,341
so it's gonna be worth billions one day.
380
00:16:07,425 --> 00:16:08,841
Well, here's some more news.
381
00:16:09,508 --> 00:16:11,258
-You're about to be an uncle.
-Phooey.
382
00:16:11,341 --> 00:16:13,466
-Uncle Russell.
-That's a terrible name.
383
00:16:13,758 --> 00:16:17,050
-Has a little ring to it.
-Sounds like a cheesy morning disc jockey.
384
00:16:17,133 --> 00:16:18,675
This is the family home, huh?
385
00:16:18,758 --> 00:16:20,758
Yeah. Jealous? [chuckles]
386
00:16:20,841 --> 00:16:22,258
I still can't believe
387
00:16:22,341 --> 00:16:24,925
that I'm standing here
with my very own twin.
388
00:16:25,008 --> 00:16:25,883
[Russell] Me neither.
389
00:16:25,966 --> 00:16:27,050
I mean, look at us.
390
00:16:27,133 --> 00:16:28,758
We look exactly alike.
391
00:16:28,841 --> 00:16:31,508
Yeah, we... We look almost...
392
00:16:32,175 --> 00:16:34,425
exactly... nothing alike.
393
00:16:34,508 --> 00:16:37,091
No, we look exactly, exactly alike.
394
00:16:37,175 --> 00:16:39,883
It's like I'm looking at myself
in the mirror.
395
00:16:39,966 --> 00:16:41,091
It's uncanny!
396
00:16:41,175 --> 00:16:43,008
Same face, same hairline.
397
00:16:43,425 --> 00:16:44,925
Well, I'm a lot more handsome.
398
00:16:45,133 --> 00:16:48,050
That's why I got the beauty marks
and you don't. [chuckles]
399
00:16:49,716 --> 00:16:51,508
So, Russell, I...
400
00:16:52,216 --> 00:16:53,716
take it you still live here.
401
00:16:53,800 --> 00:16:56,550
[scoffs] That's a rather obvious
observation.
402
00:16:57,008 --> 00:16:59,341
Why else would I have
my very own cereal bowl
403
00:16:59,425 --> 00:17:00,716
with my name written on it?
404
00:17:00,800 --> 00:17:01,675
-See?
-Yeah.
405
00:17:01,758 --> 00:17:04,675
It's so good. I love cereal. [slurps]
406
00:17:04,758 --> 00:17:07,300
Well, that's something me and you
have in common.
407
00:17:07,383 --> 00:17:08,675
I like cereal, too.
408
00:17:09,050 --> 00:17:10,758
I'm more of a Wheat Chex guy myself.
409
00:17:10,841 --> 00:17:11,758
Wheat Chex?
410
00:17:11,841 --> 00:17:12,716
Blech!
411
00:17:13,216 --> 00:17:15,800
I'm sorry, Alan.
I like my cereals to be edible.
412
00:17:16,216 --> 00:17:19,300
Preferably with the fruit-forward
complexities
413
00:17:19,383 --> 00:17:21,341
of the Captain's Crunchberries.
414
00:17:21,425 --> 00:17:22,258
Mm.
415
00:17:22,341 --> 00:17:23,258
[slurping]
416
00:17:23,341 --> 00:17:24,550
So, when do I see her?
417
00:17:24,883 --> 00:17:26,300
-Who?
-[Alan] Mom.
418
00:17:26,383 --> 00:17:27,966
I-I mean, Lynette.
419
00:17:28,425 --> 00:17:29,466
When does she get back?
420
00:17:29,550 --> 00:17:31,633
Uh... that's... that's rather hard to say.
421
00:17:31,716 --> 00:17:33,925
Oh, I got so much stuff to ask her.
422
00:17:34,008 --> 00:17:36,716
I mean, so many things I wanna tell her,
like I'm married,
423
00:17:36,800 --> 00:17:38,258
she's gonna be a grandma.
424
00:17:38,341 --> 00:17:39,175
Uh, she's dead!
425
00:17:39,841 --> 00:17:40,675
You said what?
426
00:17:41,341 --> 00:17:42,383
Yeah, you know...
427
00:17:42,466 --> 00:17:43,383
[sighs]
428
00:17:43,675 --> 00:17:45,300
I regret to inform you...
429
00:17:45,925 --> 00:17:48,091
Lynette Spellman has passed on.
430
00:17:48,175 --> 00:17:49,008
How?
431
00:17:49,800 --> 00:17:50,633
Car accident.
432
00:17:52,050 --> 00:17:53,966
I told her she should check her brakes.
433
00:17:54,050 --> 00:17:58,091
So she got up under
that 1986 Honda Civic SE.
434
00:17:58,425 --> 00:17:59,258
It was blue.
435
00:17:59,800 --> 00:18:01,258
Periwinkle, to be exact.
436
00:18:01,633 --> 00:18:03,258
She was just that type of gal,
437
00:18:03,633 --> 00:18:06,300
real hands-on
and cheap as the day is long.
438
00:18:06,716 --> 00:18:08,758
Obviously, I couldn't do it for her.
439
00:18:10,175 --> 00:18:11,466
Because of your size?
440
00:18:12,216 --> 00:18:16,591
Because I know nothing about fancy,
expensive, foreign cars like Hondas.
441
00:18:16,675 --> 00:18:17,925
So-- So, she was crushed?
442
00:18:18,383 --> 00:18:19,925
I'm afraid so.
443
00:18:20,508 --> 00:18:21,800
Oh, wow.
444
00:18:22,341 --> 00:18:25,050
Oh, this is just so devastating. Just--
445
00:18:25,175 --> 00:18:26,841
Uh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on.
446
00:18:26,925 --> 00:18:28,425
-Oh, I'm-- I'm sorry.
-That's my seat.
447
00:18:28,508 --> 00:18:30,300
Sorry, Alan. I've spent a lot of time
448
00:18:30,383 --> 00:18:33,300
making this leather conform
to only my buttocks.
449
00:18:33,800 --> 00:18:34,758
Mm.
450
00:18:34,841 --> 00:18:37,216
Can't believe I finally find her
and now it's too late.
451
00:18:37,591 --> 00:18:40,133
Maybe you should just go home and mourn.
452
00:18:41,425 --> 00:18:43,633
Now, excuse me. My television show is on.
Thank you.
453
00:18:43,716 --> 00:18:44,550
[TV plays]
454
00:18:44,633 --> 00:18:45,841
Do you have any pictures?
455
00:18:46,300 --> 00:18:47,383
[groans]
456
00:18:48,591 --> 00:18:50,591
I hate havin' a brother already!
457
00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:54,425
Don't touch my cereal.
458
00:18:55,841 --> 00:18:57,800
I lived my entire life with that woman,
459
00:18:57,966 --> 00:18:59,508
and although buck-toothed,
460
00:19:00,050 --> 00:19:01,216
she was a saint.
461
00:19:01,466 --> 00:19:02,508
And what about Dad?
462
00:19:03,216 --> 00:19:05,175
Deserted her the instant she got pregnant.
463
00:19:05,258 --> 00:19:06,591
But she carried on.
464
00:19:06,675 --> 00:19:08,300
Seems like an amazing woman.
465
00:19:08,675 --> 00:19:09,508
Indeed.
466
00:19:10,591 --> 00:19:11,425
Sour ball?
467
00:19:12,425 --> 00:19:13,258
Sure.
468
00:19:14,133 --> 00:19:17,008
She never said anything
about why she gave me up?
469
00:19:17,091 --> 00:19:18,175
Never mentioned you.
470
00:19:18,675 --> 00:19:20,050
Not a word. [chews]
471
00:19:20,133 --> 00:19:21,633
Not a peep. [chuckles]
472
00:19:21,716 --> 00:19:23,591
[slurping]
473
00:19:24,675 --> 00:19:25,675
Oh, so sour.
474
00:19:27,716 --> 00:19:29,550
[chomps] Ow! Ow!
475
00:19:29,841 --> 00:19:30,841
[Russell] Seriously?
476
00:19:31,508 --> 00:19:33,591
Did you just bite into a sour ball?
477
00:19:33,675 --> 00:19:34,925
[laughs]
478
00:19:35,008 --> 00:19:36,800
No wonder why Mother chose me.
479
00:19:36,883 --> 00:19:39,591
Okay, fine. Can you just please
get me a paper towel
480
00:19:40,008 --> 00:19:41,091
for my busted tooth?
481
00:19:41,175 --> 00:19:42,591
[slurps] Mm-hmm.
482
00:19:43,133 --> 00:19:44,550
You know, Mom loves sour balls.
483
00:19:44,966 --> 00:19:48,258
She said Dad had sour balls
and that was her attraction to him.
484
00:19:49,008 --> 00:19:49,841
Hey, Alan!
485
00:19:49,925 --> 00:19:50,841
Whatever you do,
486
00:19:50,925 --> 00:19:52,841
don't go snoopin' through Mom's drawers.
487
00:19:52,925 --> 00:19:55,758
She's got all kind of weird massagers
and stuff in there.
488
00:20:15,800 --> 00:20:16,675
[blows]
489
00:20:16,758 --> 00:20:17,591
[coughs]
490
00:20:33,258 --> 00:20:35,175
Family medical records!
491
00:20:35,258 --> 00:20:36,675
[laughs]
492
00:20:38,508 --> 00:20:39,341
[gasps]
493
00:20:40,050 --> 00:20:41,633
What the hell is this?
494
00:20:49,383 --> 00:20:52,591
Again, not to push you,
but to nudge you really hard,
495
00:20:52,966 --> 00:20:55,008
Mork is about to talk to Orson and--
496
00:20:55,341 --> 00:20:56,175
What's that?
497
00:20:56,800 --> 00:20:58,258
Did you know about this?
498
00:20:59,841 --> 00:21:02,091
She had six babies at the same time!
499
00:21:04,425 --> 00:21:07,633
-There was more of you?
-Russell, there's more of us!
500
00:21:07,716 --> 00:21:08,591
[Alan chuckles]
501
00:21:08,675 --> 00:21:11,091
Wait. So, if triplets is three, then...
502
00:21:11,883 --> 00:21:12,758
Russell...
503
00:21:13,466 --> 00:21:14,966
we're sextuplets!
504
00:21:16,050 --> 00:21:18,216
Holy fudge!
505
00:21:22,175 --> 00:21:24,133
[siren wails in the distance]
506
00:21:24,216 --> 00:21:27,091
[Marie] Aw, baby, I'm really sorry
about your birth mom.
507
00:21:27,383 --> 00:21:28,425
It's okay, baby.
508
00:21:28,716 --> 00:21:32,091
At least I still got Dawn, Ethan,
Jaspar, Russell, and Baby Pete.
509
00:21:32,383 --> 00:21:35,591
And, yes, Baby Pete is his legal name.
[chuckles]
510
00:21:35,675 --> 00:21:38,050
That's more ghetto
than your Uncle Lil Stank-Stank.
511
00:21:38,133 --> 00:21:38,966
[laughs]
512
00:21:39,050 --> 00:21:41,633
Yeah, so far, I found
a place of business on Ethan,
513
00:21:41,716 --> 00:21:43,841
and nothing on Jaspar.
That man's a ghost.
514
00:21:43,925 --> 00:21:44,966
What about Dawn?
515
00:21:45,050 --> 00:21:46,966
I got a number. I called it.
516
00:21:47,050 --> 00:21:49,925
-So, what happened?
-[Alan] Some dude picked up.
517
00:21:50,258 --> 00:21:53,216
Gave me a weird address in Alabama.
Said I should bring cigarettes.
518
00:21:53,300 --> 00:21:55,675
Well, be careful.
You don't know these people.
519
00:21:55,925 --> 00:21:58,716
Maybe one of them
changed their name to Idris Elba.
520
00:21:59,133 --> 00:22:01,425
You know, we do have
strikingly similar bone structure.
521
00:22:01,508 --> 00:22:03,175
But Idris has all of his teeth.
522
00:22:03,258 --> 00:22:04,633
Maybe I'll get a gold cap.
523
00:22:04,716 --> 00:22:08,300
No, no, no, no. Alan. Please!
You can't meet your family like that.
524
00:22:08,508 --> 00:22:10,925
Girl, that's why I got this.
525
00:22:11,133 --> 00:22:13,341
Boom. Super glue.
526
00:22:13,425 --> 00:22:15,008
-[Marie] Oh, my God, Alan.
-[clattering]
527
00:22:15,091 --> 00:22:16,716
Don't use that. Go see a dentist.
528
00:22:16,800 --> 00:22:18,800
-Baby... I'm gonna call you back.
-Alan--
529
00:22:19,216 --> 00:22:20,550
[suspenseful music plays]
530
00:22:27,008 --> 00:22:28,175
[clattering]
531
00:22:33,216 --> 00:22:34,175
[gasps]
532
00:22:34,966 --> 00:22:35,800
[door unlocks]
533
00:22:37,300 --> 00:22:38,550
[both scream]
534
00:22:38,800 --> 00:22:40,591
-[panting]
-Russell!
535
00:22:40,966 --> 00:22:42,383
Oh. Hey, Alan.
536
00:22:42,466 --> 00:22:43,508
How'd you get in my room?
537
00:22:43,591 --> 00:22:45,925
I just told the hotel manager
we were brothers. [chuckles]
538
00:22:46,008 --> 00:22:47,841
Of course he believed me,
'cause we're twinsies.
539
00:22:47,925 --> 00:22:48,758
[scoffs]
540
00:22:49,425 --> 00:22:50,883
What are you even doing here?
541
00:22:52,550 --> 00:22:53,758
Well, good news.
542
00:22:53,841 --> 00:22:57,175
I decided to join you on this excursion
to find our siblings. [chuckles]
543
00:22:57,508 --> 00:22:59,258
Oh! Uh...
544
00:22:59,341 --> 00:23:02,883
Well, I wasn't really expectin'
any company. Sorry.
545
00:23:02,966 --> 00:23:05,175
[Russell] Alan, my mother just died.
546
00:23:05,508 --> 00:23:08,050
This trip may be the only thing
to help me recover
547
00:23:08,133 --> 00:23:10,383
from the greatest tragedy
of my young life.
548
00:23:10,466 --> 00:23:12,091
[cries] Please?
549
00:23:12,591 --> 00:23:13,550
I brought cereal.
550
00:23:15,175 --> 00:23:16,008
Fine.
551
00:23:16,425 --> 00:23:17,300
Let's do it.
552
00:23:17,383 --> 00:23:18,300
Really?
553
00:23:18,383 --> 00:23:20,633
Tomorrow, we head out on a road trip.
554
00:23:20,966 --> 00:23:22,633
Okay-dokay.
555
00:23:22,716 --> 00:23:25,550
Give us some time to really,
you know, bro down.
556
00:23:25,633 --> 00:23:26,508
“Bro down”?
557
00:23:26,800 --> 00:23:29,175
Did you just try
to turn a noun into a verb?
558
00:23:30,008 --> 00:23:31,883
Yeah, I... I guess.
559
00:23:31,966 --> 00:23:34,133
That's grammatically incorrect.
560
00:23:34,508 --> 00:23:36,175
[bed rattles]
561
00:23:38,466 --> 00:23:40,216
Goodnight, Alan. Wanna cuddle?
562
00:23:40,966 --> 00:23:43,883
[screams] Hey, man, you're naked!
The hell?
563
00:23:43,966 --> 00:23:45,425
Of course. I sleep in the nude.
564
00:23:45,716 --> 00:23:47,550
I'm very comfortable with my body.
565
00:23:47,966 --> 00:23:49,425
The buck is beautiful.
566
00:23:49,966 --> 00:23:52,383
Besides, it really helps
with night sweats. [chuckles]
567
00:23:52,466 --> 00:23:53,966
You don't want me to have night sweats.
568
00:23:54,050 --> 00:23:57,758
I'll have this mattress floatin' around
like an old raft after a hurricane.
569
00:23:57,966 --> 00:23:59,550
Usually there's a dog on top.
570
00:23:59,800 --> 00:24:01,216
It's all wet and dirty.
571
00:24:01,300 --> 00:24:03,091
Boy, if you don't put
some damn clothes on...
572
00:24:03,175 --> 00:24:06,633
Fine. Obviously, somebody's insecure
about their manhood.
573
00:24:06,716 --> 00:24:08,966
You're lucky I brought my PJs, Alan.
[scoffs]
574
00:24:09,550 --> 00:24:11,175
Oh, wow!
575
00:24:11,675 --> 00:24:16,425
Russell, did you know Alabama
has nearly 600 miles of coastline?
576
00:24:16,758 --> 00:24:19,008
I bet you Dawn has a big house
on the beach.
577
00:24:19,091 --> 00:24:21,300
This may not be obvious, Alan, but...
578
00:24:21,716 --> 00:24:23,258
this is my first sleepover.
579
00:24:23,341 --> 00:24:24,466
No!
580
00:24:24,550 --> 00:24:25,425
Seriously.
581
00:24:25,508 --> 00:24:28,800
Come on. I guess we could share the bed,
now that you got some drawers on.
582
00:24:28,883 --> 00:24:29,966
-Come on.
-Ooh-wee!
583
00:24:30,050 --> 00:24:32,008
Yeah, I got my Underoos. Come on!
584
00:24:32,425 --> 00:24:34,216
-Let's go, Alan!
-Hey! Hey, what are you doing?
585
00:24:34,300 --> 00:24:36,758
We never got to do this as kids. Come on!
586
00:24:36,841 --> 00:24:38,591
Fine, but just for a little while.
587
00:24:38,675 --> 00:24:39,925
Then we gotta go to bed.
588
00:24:40,008 --> 00:24:43,383
Come on! I betcha I jump higher than you!
I bet I can jump higher than you, Alan!
589
00:24:43,466 --> 00:24:44,758
[laughs]
590
00:24:44,841 --> 00:24:47,758
-Look at this. I'm runnin' in the air. Mm.
-Hey!
591
00:24:47,841 --> 00:24:49,175
This is kind of fun!
592
00:24:49,258 --> 00:24:50,800
-I told--
-Oh!
593
00:24:52,175 --> 00:24:53,008
Huh? Uh-oh.
594
00:24:53,091 --> 00:24:54,758
[chuckles] Thank God, Mom's dead.
595
00:24:54,841 --> 00:24:56,716
We surely would've got a spanking
for that one.
596
00:24:56,800 --> 00:24:58,758
-Now, I know your big behind--
-[grunts]
597
00:24:59,216 --> 00:25:00,258
Pillow fight!
598
00:25:00,341 --> 00:25:02,341
-Oh! Oh, you want a pillow fight? Okay!
-[grunts]
599
00:25:02,425 --> 00:25:03,675
-[grunts]
-All right! Yeah!
600
00:25:03,758 --> 00:25:05,008
-Okay.
-That was a low blow!
601
00:25:05,091 --> 00:25:06,841
-You want a pillow fight?
-[mocking laugh]
602
00:25:06,925 --> 00:25:09,008
[grunts] Okay, that was good.
603
00:25:09,341 --> 00:25:10,925
Oh! You got some power on you,
604
00:25:11,008 --> 00:25:12,175
-huh, big boy?
-[chuckles]
605
00:25:12,591 --> 00:25:14,425
-[grunts] Take that!
-[grunts]
606
00:25:14,508 --> 00:25:15,675
-Take that!
-[grunts]
607
00:25:15,758 --> 00:25:17,758
-You're a nice, big target.
-Show me what you got!
608
00:25:17,841 --> 00:25:18,716
[grunts]
609
00:25:18,800 --> 00:25:19,633
[laughs]
610
00:25:19,716 --> 00:25:22,216
Now, that's how you pillow fight!
611
00:25:25,591 --> 00:25:28,258
Now, that wasn't really nice of you, Alan.
612
00:25:28,341 --> 00:25:31,925
You know, maybe we shouldn't pillow fight.
It's still dangerous. It's fightin'!
613
00:25:32,008 --> 00:25:32,841
[grunts]
614
00:25:33,258 --> 00:25:34,133
[grunts]
615
00:25:35,716 --> 00:25:36,800
[chuckles]
616
00:25:36,883 --> 00:25:37,925
[groans]
617
00:25:38,008 --> 00:25:40,800
You know what?
Sleepovers are a lot of fun. [chuckles]
618
00:25:40,883 --> 00:25:43,008
I can't wait to see what happens
tomorrow night.
619
00:25:43,091 --> 00:25:44,966
Yeah. Tomorrow.
620
00:25:45,258 --> 00:25:46,091
[groans]
621
00:25:46,800 --> 00:25:48,300
[upbeat music plays]
622
00:25:48,383 --> 00:25:51,425
-[Alan] So long, Branford.
-[Russell] Arrivederci, Branford.
623
00:25:51,508 --> 00:25:53,800
[sniffs] And they thought I'd never leave.
624
00:25:54,550 --> 00:25:55,883
Proved them wrong. [chuckles]
625
00:25:56,300 --> 00:25:58,425
-Who?
-Oh, the naysayers.
626
00:25:58,716 --> 00:26:01,466
-Oh.
-My teachers, my doctor,
627
00:26:01,550 --> 00:26:03,466
the butcher, the baker,
628
00:26:03,550 --> 00:26:05,425
the sixth grade crossing guard,
629
00:26:05,508 --> 00:26:07,091
the sheriff, the deputy,
630
00:26:07,175 --> 00:26:08,425
Mom's OB-GYN.
631
00:26:08,508 --> 00:26:11,300
-Oh, goddamn.
-[Russell] That's pretty much everybody.
632
00:26:11,966 --> 00:26:13,050
So...
633
00:26:13,716 --> 00:26:15,466
-[munching]
-Tell me something about yourself.
634
00:26:16,050 --> 00:26:17,591
For what possible purpose?
635
00:26:17,925 --> 00:26:20,216
What are you, the IRS? [laughs]
636
00:26:20,300 --> 00:26:21,216
How about this?
637
00:26:21,550 --> 00:26:23,341
What's your earliest memory of Mom?
638
00:26:23,425 --> 00:26:25,383
She forced me to eat
an avocado, the hussy.
639
00:26:25,466 --> 00:26:27,800
-Okay.
-It was disgusting, as you might imagine.
640
00:26:27,883 --> 00:26:30,258
-[laughs]
-Tastes like soft-boiled Silly Putty.
641
00:26:30,341 --> 00:26:32,216
That's something we have in common.
642
00:26:32,300 --> 00:26:34,341
I hate avocados, too.
643
00:26:34,716 --> 00:26:35,550
Great.
644
00:26:35,633 --> 00:26:36,633
You like TV shows?
645
00:26:36,716 --> 00:26:40,091
How about we sing
our favorite TV show theme song?
646
00:26:40,508 --> 00:26:42,425
Ooh, how about we don't?
647
00:26:42,508 --> 00:26:46,800
♪ Now the world don't move
To the beat of just one drum ♪
648
00:26:46,883 --> 00:26:48,633
♪ What might be right for you ♪
649
00:26:48,716 --> 00:26:50,633
♪ May not be right for some ♪
650
00:26:50,716 --> 00:26:52,383
♪ A man is born ♪
651
00:26:52,466 --> 00:26:54,383
♪ He's a man of means ♪
652
00:26:54,466 --> 00:26:56,258
♪ Then along comes two ♪
653
00:26:56,341 --> 00:26:58,050
♪ They got nothing but jeans ♪
654
00:26:58,133 --> 00:26:58,966
♪ They got ♪
655
00:26:59,050 --> 00:27:00,050
♪ Diff'rent Strokes ♪
656
00:27:00,133 --> 00:27:00,966
♪ It takes ♪
657
00:27:01,216 --> 00:27:02,341
♪ Diff'rent Strokes ♪
658
00:27:02,425 --> 00:27:03,300
♪ It takes ♪
659
00:27:03,383 --> 00:27:06,383
♪ Diff'rent Strokes to move the world ♪
660
00:27:06,466 --> 00:27:07,675
♪ Mmm ♪
661
00:27:07,758 --> 00:27:08,591
[Russell chuckles]
662
00:27:08,675 --> 00:27:10,258
I was a big fan of Diff'rent Strokes.
663
00:27:10,341 --> 00:27:11,591
Oh, I got one, I got one.
664
00:27:11,883 --> 00:27:13,841
[vocalizing]
665
00:27:17,758 --> 00:27:19,591
What? Come on,
that's the M*A*S*H* theme song!
666
00:27:19,883 --> 00:27:20,966
Makes me sleepy.
667
00:27:21,341 --> 00:27:24,508
Al right. I just thought it'd be good
to play some theme songs.
668
00:27:24,800 --> 00:27:26,675
Yeah, I got some good commercial jingles--
669
00:27:26,758 --> 00:27:28,175
-[wind blowing]
-[snoring]
670
00:27:30,133 --> 00:27:32,508
♪ Heard they tryin' to steal the wave
Cut it out, cut it out ♪
671
00:27:32,591 --> 00:27:34,800
♪ Spicy mamis on the way
Bust it down, bust it down ♪
672
00:27:34,883 --> 00:27:37,425
♪ Saw my watch
She love the way I flood it out, ay ♪
673
00:27:37,508 --> 00:27:38,425
♪ Talk to me nice ♪
674
00:27:38,508 --> 00:27:40,341
♪ Show you what these Bentley 'bout
Whoa ♪
675
00:27:40,425 --> 00:27:41,258
♪ Pipe down ♪
676
00:27:41,341 --> 00:27:42,258
[turns off music]
677
00:27:42,341 --> 00:27:43,216
Russell.
678
00:27:43,716 --> 00:27:45,050
-Russell! Hey.
-Hmm?
679
00:27:45,800 --> 00:27:47,675
I need you to drive. I'm gettin' tired.
680
00:27:47,758 --> 00:27:49,466
Yeah, I don't think so.
681
00:27:49,550 --> 00:27:51,133
-What? Why not?
-[Russell] 'Cause...
682
00:27:51,216 --> 00:27:54,925
I have no interest in assuming legal
responsibility for someone else's vehicle.
683
00:27:55,008 --> 00:27:55,841
Seriously?
684
00:27:55,925 --> 00:27:57,550
Also, I don't know how to drive.
685
00:27:57,633 --> 00:28:00,341
[laughing] You don't know how to drive?
Get outta here!
686
00:28:00,425 --> 00:28:02,758
Truth be told,
I've always wanted to learn,
687
00:28:02,841 --> 00:28:06,216
so I could one day
speed stylish down the road,
688
00:28:06,300 --> 00:28:09,841
in a gold '76 Pontiac Firebird Esprit.
689
00:28:10,300 --> 00:28:13,216
The same vehicle
owned by James Scott--
690
00:28:13,300 --> 00:28:14,216
Rockford!
691
00:28:14,300 --> 00:28:16,383
In The Rockford Files!
Man, that was my show!
692
00:28:16,466 --> 00:28:18,216
Oh, I love The Rockford Files!
693
00:28:18,300 --> 00:28:19,966
-Yo, that car was sick.
-[Russell] The best.
694
00:28:20,050 --> 00:28:23,216
You know, I own a copy of the original
operator's manual for the car.
695
00:28:23,300 --> 00:28:24,383
-[Alan] Really?
-[chuckles]
696
00:28:24,466 --> 00:28:26,508
I've read it a dozen times or something.
697
00:28:26,591 --> 00:28:27,633
[Alan inhales deeply]
698
00:28:27,716 --> 00:28:28,758
All right.
699
00:28:28,841 --> 00:28:29,758
Well, Russell...
700
00:28:30,175 --> 00:28:32,466
I'mma pull over right here, 'cause, uh...
701
00:28:32,883 --> 00:28:33,800
I'm tired.
702
00:28:35,675 --> 00:28:36,925
Gonna get some Z's.
703
00:28:37,508 --> 00:28:40,758
[Russell] Hmm, strange.
I don't see no hotel around here, Alan.
704
00:28:40,841 --> 00:28:42,966
[Alan] Because there isn't one, Russell.
705
00:28:43,050 --> 00:28:44,091
-[owl hoots]
Tomorrow...
706
00:28:44,175 --> 00:28:46,300
I'm gonna give you
your first driving lesson.
707
00:28:46,383 --> 00:28:47,466
How's that, huh?
708
00:28:47,550 --> 00:28:48,383
[Russell] Hmm...
709
00:28:49,716 --> 00:28:51,175
You positive this is safe?
710
00:28:51,883 --> 00:28:53,216
Yeah, it's safe.
711
00:28:53,300 --> 00:28:56,883
Listen, we're family.
You got my back and I got yours, right?
712
00:28:56,966 --> 00:28:58,091
I don't know, Alan.
713
00:28:58,508 --> 00:29:01,008
[scoffs] You're not exactly
the family I wanted.
714
00:29:01,383 --> 00:29:03,050
Yeah, well, I'm all the family you got.
715
00:29:03,133 --> 00:29:05,591
You sound like the ending
of a cheesy sitcom.
716
00:29:05,675 --> 00:29:07,883
Oh, my God. Do you ever stop talking?
717
00:29:07,966 --> 00:29:09,591
-Sometimes.
-Go to bed.
718
00:29:09,675 --> 00:29:12,758
-Um, if I had some warm milk or something.
-Start countin' cereal boxes.
719
00:29:12,841 --> 00:29:13,841
That's a good idea.
720
00:29:15,008 --> 00:29:17,258
-[Alan exhales]
-One Lucky Charm.
721
00:29:17,925 --> 00:29:20,008
-[owl hoots]
-Mmm. Two Cap'n Crunch...
722
00:29:20,591 --> 00:29:21,966
Three Froot Loops.
723
00:29:22,841 --> 00:29:24,050
[birds chirping]
724
00:29:24,633 --> 00:29:25,966
[groans]
725
00:29:27,591 --> 00:29:29,091
Hey, Russell, what time is it?
726
00:29:30,966 --> 00:29:31,800
Russell?
727
00:29:33,675 --> 00:29:34,591
What the hell?
728
00:29:48,133 --> 00:29:49,591
Russell!
729
00:29:54,716 --> 00:29:55,550
[scoffs]
730
00:29:55,883 --> 00:29:56,716
[grunting]
731
00:30:00,050 --> 00:30:00,966
Russell!
732
00:30:01,508 --> 00:30:02,633
What are you doing?
733
00:30:03,258 --> 00:30:04,883
[panting]
734
00:30:07,050 --> 00:30:10,175
Why are you runnin' like Rerun
from What's Happening?
735
00:30:10,883 --> 00:30:13,091
-We should go now.
-[Alan] Where are we goin'?
736
00:30:13,591 --> 00:30:14,966
What are you runnin' from?
737
00:30:15,050 --> 00:30:17,383
I think I'm ready
for that driver's lesson now.
738
00:30:22,008 --> 00:30:23,591
Oh, no!
739
00:30:24,508 --> 00:30:26,591
My brand new Stan Smiths!
740
00:30:27,300 --> 00:30:29,466
You should get in the car.
741
00:30:29,550 --> 00:30:30,425
You said what?
742
00:30:30,800 --> 00:30:31,675
Sounds like...
743
00:30:32,258 --> 00:30:33,758
moo!
744
00:30:34,050 --> 00:30:36,216
What? This is some bull...
745
00:30:36,300 --> 00:30:38,091
[bellows]
746
00:30:39,341 --> 00:30:40,508
...shit.
747
00:30:41,633 --> 00:30:43,008
[bellows]
748
00:30:43,091 --> 00:30:43,966
Oh.
749
00:30:44,633 --> 00:30:46,591
-Oh.
-[bellows]
750
00:30:46,675 --> 00:30:47,508
[shudders]
751
00:30:47,591 --> 00:30:48,425
[snorts]
752
00:30:48,508 --> 00:30:49,550
[bellows]
753
00:30:49,633 --> 00:30:52,800
How now, brown cow! Whoa!
754
00:30:52,883 --> 00:30:54,175
-[bull bellows]
-[screams]
755
00:30:55,216 --> 00:30:56,841
Open the door! Open the door!
756
00:30:57,091 --> 00:30:58,800
-Russell! Open the door!
-[bellows]
757
00:30:59,258 --> 00:31:01,341
Pop the handle! Pop the handle!
758
00:31:01,716 --> 00:31:02,716
[grunting]
759
00:31:02,800 --> 00:31:03,883
[screams] Open!
760
00:31:04,341 --> 00:31:06,675
I am bewildered
by this vehicle's technology.
761
00:31:06,758 --> 00:31:08,091
[Alan] Open the door, Russell!
762
00:31:09,050 --> 00:31:10,175
[bellows]
763
00:31:11,050 --> 00:31:12,883
-Oh!
-[grunts]
764
00:31:12,966 --> 00:31:13,883
Toro!
765
00:31:15,883 --> 00:31:17,758
-[bellows]
-Oh! [screams]
766
00:31:17,841 --> 00:31:19,050
-Stop it!
-[honks horn]
767
00:31:19,133 --> 00:31:19,966
Stop it!
768
00:31:20,050 --> 00:31:20,966
[honking]
769
00:31:21,050 --> 00:31:22,258
[bellows]
770
00:31:22,341 --> 00:31:23,675
You need to chill out.
771
00:31:24,300 --> 00:31:25,133
Oh!
772
00:31:25,508 --> 00:31:26,966
[bellowing]
773
00:31:27,758 --> 00:31:29,550
Bro, if you don't pop the goddamn lock...
774
00:31:29,633 --> 00:31:31,341
I don't see a key!
775
00:31:31,425 --> 00:31:32,883
I got the key! I got the key!
776
00:31:33,508 --> 00:31:34,675
[car unlocks]
777
00:31:34,758 --> 00:31:36,716
Ah! I think your car is possessed!
778
00:31:36,800 --> 00:31:37,758
-[bellows]
-[screams]
779
00:31:38,133 --> 00:31:39,800
-[bellows]
-[screams]
780
00:31:40,800 --> 00:31:41,758
Oh!
781
00:31:42,258 --> 00:31:43,633
Whoa! Oh!
782
00:31:43,716 --> 00:31:44,716
What do we do now?
783
00:31:44,800 --> 00:31:45,633
Press the brake!
784
00:31:45,716 --> 00:31:46,758
Okay, brake. Pedal.
785
00:31:46,841 --> 00:31:48,300
-Pedal, pedal...
-[screams]
786
00:31:48,383 --> 00:31:49,341
Okay, now what?
787
00:31:49,425 --> 00:31:50,300
Put it in drive!
788
00:31:50,383 --> 00:31:51,675
Put it in drive. Okay.
789
00:31:51,758 --> 00:31:54,758
-Press the gas. Lightly.
-Okay. Lightly.
790
00:31:54,841 --> 00:31:57,175
-[engine revs]
-[screams]
791
00:32:00,466 --> 00:32:01,300
[bellows]
792
00:32:01,841 --> 00:32:03,550
What did you do to piss off a bull?
793
00:32:03,633 --> 00:32:07,175
I was just trying to get some milk
for my cereal and I pulled its teat!
794
00:32:07,758 --> 00:32:09,716
-[bellows]
-[both scream]
795
00:32:11,633 --> 00:32:12,883
Watch, watch!
796
00:32:13,383 --> 00:32:14,800
[both clamoring]
797
00:32:15,383 --> 00:32:16,925
[both scream]
798
00:32:23,216 --> 00:32:24,216
["Say You, Say Me" plays]
799
00:32:24,300 --> 00:32:28,050
♪ Say you, say me ♪
800
00:32:29,800 --> 00:32:31,925
♪ Say it for always ♪
801
00:32:33,966 --> 00:32:36,591
♪ That's the way it should be ♪
802
00:32:39,175 --> 00:32:43,341
-[crunching]
-♪ Say you, say me ♪
803
00:32:44,633 --> 00:32:47,175
-[crunching]
-♪ Say it together ♪
804
00:32:50,508 --> 00:32:51,841
[both scream]
805
00:32:53,800 --> 00:32:54,716
Oh!
806
00:32:54,800 --> 00:32:55,716
Wow.
807
00:32:55,800 --> 00:32:56,633
[Russell pants]
808
00:32:57,883 --> 00:32:59,758
So, it was a good lesson.
You wanna do it again?
809
00:32:59,841 --> 00:33:01,550
[upbeat music plays]
810
00:33:01,633 --> 00:33:03,675
[car squeaking and rattling]
811
00:33:13,508 --> 00:33:16,425
I think this is a different big house
than the one you imagined.
812
00:33:16,508 --> 00:33:18,883
Are you certain
this is the correct address?
813
00:33:21,216 --> 00:33:22,091
[buzzer sounds]
814
00:33:22,175 --> 00:33:23,341
[gate closes]
815
00:33:23,425 --> 00:33:24,883
[people chattering]
816
00:33:30,175 --> 00:33:32,050
[woman over police radio]
Three-thirteen, I copy.
817
00:33:32,133 --> 00:33:33,175
[gate closes]
818
00:33:35,591 --> 00:33:36,966
[buzzer sounds]
819
00:33:38,425 --> 00:33:41,300
-[woman] Turn around.
-[Dawn] You stealin' on me for no reason.
820
00:33:41,383 --> 00:33:43,591
[Dawn] You gonna stop
stealin' on me like this.
821
00:33:43,675 --> 00:33:45,425
Don't put your frickin' hands--
822
00:33:45,508 --> 00:33:48,966
Don't put your hands on me, Deidra.
Don't put your hands on me.
823
00:33:49,841 --> 00:33:51,925
You gonna stop
with this light-skinned privilege.
824
00:33:52,008 --> 00:33:55,425
Just 'cause you got a badge and gun
don't make you no better than me.
825
00:33:55,800 --> 00:33:58,550
Ooh, that's your mama? You better
put some money on my books.
826
00:33:58,633 --> 00:33:59,966
I'mma whoop your daughter's ass.
827
00:34:00,050 --> 00:34:01,508
-[woman] Dawn.
-Call that black bitch!
828
00:34:01,591 --> 00:34:03,466
You gon' get your ass kicked.
829
00:34:03,550 --> 00:34:05,591
Dawn, let these people enjoy their family.
830
00:34:05,675 --> 00:34:07,425
So, anyway...
831
00:34:08,675 --> 00:34:11,466
This better be good,
'cause you cuttin' into my yard time.
832
00:34:11,550 --> 00:34:14,925
The guard over there say you my brother.
Is that for real, for real?
833
00:34:16,633 --> 00:34:17,508
Um...
834
00:34:17,591 --> 00:34:21,050
Well, yeah. I mean...
I got the birth certificate to prove it.
835
00:34:21,550 --> 00:34:22,383
[Dawn] Hmm.
836
00:34:24,300 --> 00:34:25,175
I'm Alan.
837
00:34:25,633 --> 00:34:27,133
[scoffs] No.
838
00:34:27,675 --> 00:34:28,633
I don't know you.
839
00:34:29,050 --> 00:34:30,591
Okay. Nice... Nice to meet you.
840
00:34:30,675 --> 00:34:32,508
[stammers]
That's your other brother, Russell.
841
00:34:33,175 --> 00:34:35,633
-Hi.
-Oh, hell to the no.
842
00:34:35,966 --> 00:34:36,800
Mm-mm.
843
00:34:37,091 --> 00:34:40,341
He must've came from the defected
testicles. That's not my brother.
844
00:34:40,675 --> 00:34:41,633
Now, you and I,
845
00:34:41,716 --> 00:34:42,883
we do look alike.
846
00:34:42,966 --> 00:34:44,675
Like, I see the resemblance.
847
00:34:44,758 --> 00:34:46,258
Like, this is uncanny.
848
00:34:46,341 --> 00:34:48,800
I... I don't...
I don't see the resemblance at all.
849
00:34:49,175 --> 00:34:51,216
This is like lookin' in the mirror.
850
00:34:51,716 --> 00:34:53,216
But more like a funhouse mirror,
851
00:34:53,300 --> 00:34:55,258
'cause, you know,
I'm voluptuous and beautiful...
852
00:34:55,341 --> 00:34:57,216
[inhales] and you scrawny.
853
00:34:57,300 --> 00:34:58,300
But you buff.
854
00:34:58,383 --> 00:34:59,758
So, you like a crackhead
855
00:35:00,258 --> 00:35:03,133
that put down the crack pipe
and picked up a weight.
856
00:35:03,841 --> 00:35:05,008
Oh, okay.
857
00:35:06,050 --> 00:35:07,925
[coin rattles]
858
00:35:08,383 --> 00:35:09,466
Mm, mm.
859
00:35:09,758 --> 00:35:11,633
[vending machine running]
860
00:35:11,716 --> 00:35:12,758
Come to Daddy.
861
00:35:17,341 --> 00:35:18,591
Oh, come on.
862
00:35:18,883 --> 00:35:19,800
[banging]
863
00:35:20,216 --> 00:35:21,383
Where're my smokes?
864
00:35:22,800 --> 00:35:25,050
-I didn't... I didn't bring any smo--
-Oh, hell, no!
865
00:35:25,133 --> 00:35:26,883
I know you did not
866
00:35:27,091 --> 00:35:30,591
show up to a prison
without no damn smokes!
867
00:35:30,675 --> 00:35:32,883
Oh, that's like goin'
to the Boom Boom Room
868
00:35:32,966 --> 00:35:34,341
and not bringin' singles!
869
00:35:34,675 --> 00:35:37,425
Ain't nobody gonna rub
on your little cling-clong for free.
870
00:35:40,133 --> 00:35:41,091
My dude.
871
00:35:41,175 --> 00:35:42,050
[Alan] Russell!
872
00:35:42,133 --> 00:35:44,716
The guards did a full pat-down.
How the hell you get that in here?
873
00:35:44,800 --> 00:35:48,341
Well, in the World War II prison comedy
Hogan's Heroes,
874
00:35:48,425 --> 00:35:49,633
Colonel Hogan once duped
875
00:35:49,716 --> 00:35:51,633
the buffoonish Sergeant Schultz
876
00:35:51,716 --> 00:35:54,675
by hiding a monkey wrench
way deep in his anus--
877
00:35:54,758 --> 00:35:55,925
Y-You know what?
878
00:35:56,008 --> 00:35:58,591
-Way up there by undigested food.
-[groans]
879
00:35:58,675 --> 00:36:00,383
I-I get the point Thank you.
880
00:36:00,466 --> 00:36:02,008
Be quiet! Damn!
881
00:36:02,091 --> 00:36:03,716
Ooh, you lucky you didn't grow up with me.
882
00:36:03,800 --> 00:36:05,925
-I swear I would have beat your ass.
-[blows raspberry]
883
00:36:06,008 --> 00:36:08,425
You smell that?
That's a high wipe. He stink.
884
00:36:08,591 --> 00:36:10,716
So, uh... Dawn.
885
00:36:10,966 --> 00:36:13,383
Boom Boom Room?
So... so, you're a stripper?
886
00:36:13,466 --> 00:36:14,383
What the hell?
887
00:36:14,466 --> 00:36:15,341
-[gasps]
-A stripper
888
00:36:15,425 --> 00:36:16,966
and exotic dancer are different.
889
00:36:17,050 --> 00:36:18,966
-So get your life right, boo.
-My bad.
890
00:36:19,050 --> 00:36:23,675
An exotic dancer incorporate years
of hard dance trainin'
891
00:36:23,883 --> 00:36:25,466
into her whole routine.
892
00:36:25,550 --> 00:36:26,966
-Yeah.
-She take all her years
893
00:36:27,050 --> 00:36:29,841
of what she learned
on the horizontal pole,
894
00:36:30,008 --> 00:36:32,591
and she just bring it
to the vertical pole
895
00:36:32,675 --> 00:36:36,258
and add a little bit of this to it,
and add a little bit of this.
896
00:36:36,341 --> 00:36:39,341
-Please, don't... don't do that.
-You see this? Here, here, here.
897
00:36:39,425 --> 00:36:41,300
Shift, shift, shift. Pla, pla.
898
00:36:41,383 --> 00:36:43,175
Plié, relevé, ass on face.
899
00:36:43,258 --> 00:36:45,050
Plié, relevé, ass on face.
900
00:36:45,133 --> 00:36:46,925
[Alan and Dawn] Plié, relevé, ass on face.
901
00:36:47,008 --> 00:36:48,508
Sashay! Sashay!
902
00:36:48,716 --> 00:36:49,633
Ass on face.
903
00:36:49,716 --> 00:36:50,633
-Oh!
-[Dawn] See?
904
00:36:50,883 --> 00:36:52,091
That's how it get down.
905
00:36:52,300 --> 00:36:55,841
So, you go get your education right,
boo-boo.
906
00:36:56,300 --> 00:36:57,216
Uh, okay.
907
00:37:03,008 --> 00:37:05,050
[effort grunts]
908
00:37:05,841 --> 00:37:07,633
Uh... here's some good news.
909
00:37:08,091 --> 00:37:09,091
You're gonna be an auntie.
910
00:37:09,508 --> 00:37:10,341
[gasps]
911
00:37:10,425 --> 00:37:13,508
Yes! My wife is pregnant,
and she's gonna be giving birth
912
00:37:13,591 --> 00:37:15,425
-in a couple weeks.
-Are you serious?
913
00:37:16,175 --> 00:37:17,633
That just warms my heart.
914
00:37:17,716 --> 00:37:19,050
[sniffles] Is it yours?
915
00:37:19,508 --> 00:37:21,758
-What? Yeah. Yeah, it's mine!
-[Dawn] Hmm.
916
00:37:22,050 --> 00:37:23,716
Sound a little suspect to me.
917
00:37:23,800 --> 00:37:24,925
These hoes be out here.
918
00:37:25,008 --> 00:37:25,883
Okurr?
919
00:37:27,175 --> 00:37:28,550
[breathes heavily]
920
00:37:29,050 --> 00:37:30,133
[screams]
921
00:37:30,216 --> 00:37:31,258
[effort grunt]
922
00:37:31,341 --> 00:37:32,841
[panting] [grunts]
923
00:37:33,091 --> 00:37:35,008
[gasping]
924
00:37:39,841 --> 00:37:40,675
[grunts]
925
00:37:41,216 --> 00:37:44,008
You know, this just make me think
about my babies, you know.
926
00:37:44,091 --> 00:37:45,758
Oh, really? You-- You have children?
927
00:37:46,050 --> 00:37:46,883
Mm-hmm.
928
00:37:46,966 --> 00:37:49,633
And I think about them. There ain't
nothin' I wouldn't do for my kids.
929
00:37:49,716 --> 00:37:50,758
I would commit murder!
930
00:37:51,383 --> 00:37:54,758
Violent murder!
I'd shiv somebody so hard!
931
00:37:55,341 --> 00:37:57,133
-So sweet of you.
-Murder!
932
00:37:57,216 --> 00:37:59,966
You know, nothin' says "I love you"
like a...
933
00:38:00,050 --> 00:38:01,800
little old-fashioned murder, right?
934
00:38:01,883 --> 00:38:03,550
And you know what? You family.
935
00:38:04,008 --> 00:38:06,008
So I would do the same for you.
936
00:38:06,091 --> 00:38:08,716
[stutters] And I feel the same way
about you.
937
00:38:08,800 --> 00:38:10,175
Minus the murder.
938
00:38:11,258 --> 00:38:13,966
[effort grunts]
939
00:38:14,300 --> 00:38:15,466
[snoring]
940
00:38:21,383 --> 00:38:24,175
You know, there is somethin'
that maybe you can...
941
00:38:24,466 --> 00:38:26,675
-You know what? No.
-Dawn, stop.
942
00:38:26,966 --> 00:38:27,883
You sure?
943
00:38:28,216 --> 00:38:29,258
-[banging]
-[grunts]
944
00:38:30,341 --> 00:38:31,175
[spitting]
945
00:38:36,466 --> 00:38:38,050
[effort grunts]
946
00:38:38,133 --> 00:38:38,966
Um...
947
00:38:39,591 --> 00:38:43,216
I just need a little help
with, like, a little bit of bail money.
948
00:38:44,050 --> 00:38:44,883
Oh.
949
00:38:45,175 --> 00:38:46,050
Well, how...
950
00:38:46,258 --> 00:38:48,300
[stammering] How much help do you need?
951
00:38:48,383 --> 00:38:49,425
Just crumbs.
952
00:38:49,508 --> 00:38:50,383
Come here.
953
00:38:51,841 --> 00:38:53,466
[whispers] Ten thousand dollars.
954
00:38:53,550 --> 00:38:54,425
[gasps]
955
00:38:55,091 --> 00:38:56,008
Oh, goddamn!
956
00:38:56,341 --> 00:38:57,841
Oh, you gonna help me?
Oh, my goodness!
957
00:38:57,925 --> 00:38:59,008
-You so sweet!
-Contraband!
958
00:38:59,466 --> 00:39:02,841
-Contraband? He got contraband!
-What? No, wait! I ain't got--
959
00:39:02,925 --> 00:39:03,758
Hold up!
960
00:39:03,841 --> 00:39:05,008
[Dawn] He's got contraband!
961
00:39:05,091 --> 00:39:06,550
[all shouting indistinctly]
962
00:39:06,633 --> 00:39:07,508
[alarm buzzing]
963
00:39:07,591 --> 00:39:08,716
Hold up, hold up.
964
00:39:14,175 --> 00:39:15,258
Get off me, yo!
965
00:39:15,800 --> 00:39:18,133
Shame about that contraband, huh?
[whistling]
966
00:39:18,216 --> 00:39:19,383
[Dawn] That wasn't me!
967
00:39:19,466 --> 00:39:20,508
Ten grand?!
968
00:39:20,591 --> 00:39:22,841
Alan, are you nuts?
You don't even know her!
969
00:39:23,341 --> 00:39:25,633
She's my sister, you know? She's family.
970
00:39:25,716 --> 00:39:28,841
[scoffs] Who was in jail for assault!
971
00:39:28,925 --> 00:39:30,008
Allegedly.
972
00:39:30,341 --> 00:39:32,800
And Dawn says it was a mishappenstance.
973
00:39:32,883 --> 00:39:34,591
I... I don't think that's a word.
974
00:39:34,675 --> 00:39:36,466
It was just an aggressive lap dance.
975
00:39:36,550 --> 00:39:37,383
Fine.
976
00:39:37,841 --> 00:39:38,716
Um...
977
00:39:38,800 --> 00:39:41,300
Before I hit the road,
did you find out anything on Jaspar?
978
00:39:41,383 --> 00:39:43,550
Oh! You know what? I actually did.
979
00:39:43,633 --> 00:39:44,466
Um...
980
00:39:44,883 --> 00:39:46,175
Let me see. Um...
981
00:39:46,258 --> 00:39:48,175
He went to Oxford,
982
00:39:48,258 --> 00:39:49,341
then MIT,
983
00:39:49,425 --> 00:39:50,841
and then he went dark.
984
00:39:50,925 --> 00:39:53,800
I left a couple messages
for a law school friend at the Pentagon.
985
00:39:53,883 --> 00:39:55,550
I'll try the State Department next.
986
00:39:55,841 --> 00:39:58,091
Girl, you doin' a whole lot better
than I did.
987
00:39:58,216 --> 00:39:59,841
I got nothin' on Baby Pete,
988
00:40:00,091 --> 00:40:02,008
and still no response from Ethan.
989
00:40:02,091 --> 00:40:03,383
I gave him all my info.
990
00:40:03,466 --> 00:40:04,800
Nothin'. Just crickets.
991
00:40:05,175 --> 00:40:08,050
[sighs] You know, this is harder
than I thought it was gonna be.
992
00:40:08,133 --> 00:40:08,966
[sighs]
993
00:40:09,341 --> 00:40:10,175
Alan...
994
00:40:10,675 --> 00:40:13,258
I know you're trying
to find your family, but...
995
00:40:14,050 --> 00:40:15,716
I thought you'd be home by now.
996
00:40:16,050 --> 00:40:17,883
I mean, what if the baby comes early?
997
00:40:17,966 --> 00:40:19,258
[Alan] I'll be there, okay?
998
00:40:19,341 --> 00:40:21,758
Nothing will stop me
from being there. Nothing.
999
00:40:21,841 --> 00:40:24,716
But just a reminder,
the breastfeeding class is tomorrow,
1000
00:40:24,800 --> 00:40:26,591
and it's the last one
before the baby comes.
1001
00:40:26,675 --> 00:40:30,175
Then, I'll just drop Dawn off,
and... I'll head home.
1002
00:40:30,591 --> 00:40:31,425
Okay?
1003
00:40:31,508 --> 00:40:33,133
-[buzzer sounds]
-It's been real.
1004
00:40:33,591 --> 00:40:36,758
I am free!
1005
00:40:37,300 --> 00:40:38,966
Bye, bitches!
1006
00:40:39,050 --> 00:40:41,758
Oh, I am so glad I got bailed out.
1007
00:40:41,841 --> 00:40:43,591
I was about El Chapo this bitch.
1008
00:40:44,091 --> 00:40:47,383
-Oh, my God! It feels so good...
-What in the Real Housewives of Atlanta
1009
00:40:47,466 --> 00:40:48,466
is this?
1010
00:40:48,758 --> 00:40:49,758
Alan!
1011
00:40:51,175 --> 00:40:52,716
Thank you, brother!
1012
00:40:52,800 --> 00:40:55,091
-[screams]
-Wait, wait. Dawn, wait.
1013
00:40:55,175 --> 00:40:56,008
Hol-- Dawn!
1014
00:40:56,091 --> 00:40:57,133
[screams]
1015
00:40:57,675 --> 00:40:58,591
[grunts]
1016
00:40:58,675 --> 00:41:00,425
[coughing]
1017
00:41:19,591 --> 00:41:20,550
[chuckles]
1018
00:41:20,633 --> 00:41:21,591
[sucks teeth]
1019
00:41:23,633 --> 00:41:25,716
Oh, goddamn! Damn!
1020
00:41:26,008 --> 00:41:26,841
Ow!
1021
00:41:35,258 --> 00:41:36,716
Oh, look at all the money.
1022
00:41:36,800 --> 00:41:39,175
That's... [sniffs] five dollars.
You chump ass.
1023
00:41:39,550 --> 00:41:41,800
Now here... I've got your address!
1024
00:41:41,883 --> 00:41:42,716
Alan!
1025
00:41:42,800 --> 00:41:43,758
Whoa!
1026
00:41:43,841 --> 00:41:44,758
Close the goddamn...
1027
00:41:44,841 --> 00:41:46,716
-Close the... Close the door!
-All right.
1028
00:41:47,175 --> 00:41:48,800
-Close the door!
-All right. It's closed!
1029
00:41:48,925 --> 00:41:50,716
I thought you weren't comin' in
until tomorrow.
1030
00:41:50,800 --> 00:41:52,133
Yeah, well, I'm here now, ain't I?
1031
00:41:52,216 --> 00:41:55,341
What's goin' on with that jacket, man?
I stopped counting the buttons after six.
1032
00:41:55,425 --> 00:41:56,425
-Seven.
-Okay.
1033
00:41:56,508 --> 00:41:58,966
It's that Steve Harvey Season Seven.
You like it?
1034
00:41:59,050 --> 00:42:01,175
Yeah, that Family Feud shit.
1035
00:42:01,258 --> 00:42:03,425
Yeah, that's for retired
basketball players and deacons.
1036
00:42:03,508 --> 00:42:05,466
Mm-hmm. And the hair extension...
1037
00:42:05,550 --> 00:42:07,550
Yeah. And look here, it's called a "woop".
1038
00:42:07,633 --> 00:42:09,300
-A "woop"?
-Yeah.
1039
00:42:09,383 --> 00:42:11,216
A dip. A perm. You know what I'm sayin'?
1040
00:42:11,300 --> 00:42:14,133
I like it. I like the whole new thing,
man. It's a whole new look.
1041
00:42:14,216 --> 00:42:16,300
You look like Carmelo Anthony
fucked Rick James.
1042
00:42:16,383 --> 00:42:18,800
Hey, not everybody can wear lime green,
you know?
1043
00:42:18,883 --> 00:42:19,925
-Don't be jealous.
-Listen.
1044
00:42:20,216 --> 00:42:23,008
I'm glad you're here,
because I am havin' a hard time
1045
00:42:23,091 --> 00:42:25,300
crackin' the Mother's Day pitch,
and I'm desperate.
1046
00:42:25,383 --> 00:42:26,466
-Yeah, Mother's Day?
-Yeah.
1047
00:42:26,550 --> 00:42:29,675
Yeah, I got one for you. I'll tell you.
All right, here it goes. All right.
1048
00:42:30,175 --> 00:42:34,133
"Most kids get hugs and kisses
1049
00:42:34,425 --> 00:42:37,800
from their mama, and those memories last.
1050
00:42:38,883 --> 00:42:41,383
But I don't have those memories, Mama,
1051
00:42:41,841 --> 00:42:45,050
'cause you left me in the trash.
1052
00:42:45,883 --> 00:42:47,633
Happy Mother's Day, Mom,
1053
00:42:48,300 --> 00:42:49,383
dot, dot, dot...
1054
00:42:50,050 --> 00:42:51,091
bitch."
1055
00:42:52,883 --> 00:42:55,341
I mean, I like the rhyming scheme,
but I just...
1056
00:42:55,425 --> 00:42:57,383
-I don't know, there's something--
-You know what?
1057
00:42:57,466 --> 00:42:59,758
You talkin' a lot, you talkin' a lot.
1058
00:42:59,841 --> 00:43:01,258
-Let's cut to the bullshit.
-Okay.
1059
00:43:01,341 --> 00:43:02,800
-Where the money at, huh?
-What money?
1060
00:43:02,883 --> 00:43:05,758
Don't hold out on me.
I'll... I'll slap your face.
1061
00:43:05,841 --> 00:43:09,425
You-- I'll slap your white face
and I'll leave my handprint so big,
1062
00:43:09,508 --> 00:43:10,966
you'll look like the Canadian flag.
1063
00:43:11,050 --> 00:43:13,341
-I do direct deposit. You know that.
-[sniffing]
1064
00:43:13,425 --> 00:43:17,133
You smell like money, huh? You got--
You got Republican money, huh? [sniffs]
1065
00:43:17,216 --> 00:43:19,591
Hey, hey, hey. You know I'm a Bernie bro.
1066
00:43:19,675 --> 00:43:20,591
-Oh.
-You know that.
1067
00:43:20,675 --> 00:43:22,091
Ooh. [sniffs]
1068
00:43:22,175 --> 00:43:23,050
Stay still.
1069
00:43:23,341 --> 00:43:24,466
[sniffs]
1070
00:43:24,550 --> 00:43:25,550
Ooh.
1071
00:43:25,841 --> 00:43:27,425
You shop at Whole Foods.
1072
00:43:27,633 --> 00:43:31,216
[sniffing] You smell like the green bin
at Sprouts.
1073
00:43:31,300 --> 00:43:32,216
[sniffs]
1074
00:43:32,425 --> 00:43:34,050
Where the money at? Who got the checks?
1075
00:43:34,133 --> 00:43:35,591
-The che--
-[inhales deeply]
1076
00:43:35,675 --> 00:43:36,758
Who got the money?
1077
00:43:36,841 --> 00:43:38,466
-Relax, Alan.
-Who got the checks?
1078
00:43:38,550 --> 00:43:39,383
Talk to Linda.
1079
00:43:39,466 --> 00:43:41,425
-Who the hell is Linda, huh?
-Our boss.
1080
00:43:42,716 --> 00:43:43,800
We work for a bitch?
1081
00:43:44,216 --> 00:43:46,175
We work for Linda. She's nice.
1082
00:43:46,883 --> 00:43:48,425
-She's a nice bitch?
-Yeah.
1083
00:43:48,508 --> 00:43:50,133
Oh, people done changed.
1084
00:43:50,841 --> 00:43:52,383
[mumbles indistinctly]
1085
00:43:52,466 --> 00:43:54,258
-[door opens]
-It's good to see you, man.
1086
00:43:54,341 --> 00:43:55,550
[people chattering]
1087
00:43:58,925 --> 00:44:00,966
Where the hell is Linda's office, huh?
1088
00:44:02,675 --> 00:44:03,925
[telephone ringing]
1089
00:44:04,175 --> 00:44:05,050
Thank you.
1090
00:44:05,841 --> 00:44:06,758
Get back to work.
1091
00:44:08,341 --> 00:44:09,758
I said, get back to work!
1092
00:44:10,133 --> 00:44:11,258
[banging] Hey, Linda.
1093
00:44:12,050 --> 00:44:15,133
I need to holler at you
'bout some bidness. Right now.
1094
00:44:15,216 --> 00:44:16,716
Agora. Pronto.
1095
00:44:16,800 --> 00:44:18,300
Excuse me?
1096
00:44:18,383 --> 00:44:20,466
[inhales] Look here. I want...
1097
00:44:20,550 --> 00:44:21,925
[tapping]
1098
00:44:22,300 --> 00:44:23,175
what's mine.
1099
00:44:23,425 --> 00:44:24,300
You what?
1100
00:44:24,383 --> 00:44:26,133
Did I... [stutters]
1101
00:44:26,591 --> 00:44:27,425
stutter?
1102
00:44:30,133 --> 00:44:31,966
Well, well, well, Alan.
1103
00:44:32,050 --> 00:44:34,716
I had to admit I was worried
you didn't get the message,
1104
00:44:34,800 --> 00:44:37,841
but I'm happy to see you
acting like you mean it.
1105
00:44:38,133 --> 00:44:41,383
Oh, yeah. You know I'm about that life.
Shit. Hells yeah.
1106
00:44:41,466 --> 00:44:44,008
Hells yeah.
1107
00:44:44,425 --> 00:44:48,258
And I'm happy to see you
dress for Rashneep's retirement party.
1108
00:44:48,341 --> 00:44:49,341
Rash-who-the-what?
1109
00:44:49,716 --> 00:44:51,550
Look, I ain't here for no party.
1110
00:44:52,216 --> 00:44:54,841
I'm here on some bidness.
1111
00:44:54,925 --> 00:44:57,091
I want my ends. My loot.
1112
00:44:58,341 --> 00:44:59,675
My scrilla.
1113
00:44:59,966 --> 00:45:00,966
Scrilla?
1114
00:45:01,425 --> 00:45:03,008
I want my advance.
1115
00:45:03,383 --> 00:45:05,883
Alan, you know that I don't give advances.
1116
00:45:05,966 --> 00:45:08,841
-Do I look like I give a shit?
-Hmm.
1117
00:45:09,216 --> 00:45:11,591
See, if I gave a shit, I'd look like this.
1118
00:45:13,175 --> 00:45:15,050
But I don't. So, I look like this.
1119
00:45:16,383 --> 00:45:17,925
-Now, do it.
-Alan...
1120
00:45:18,008 --> 00:45:20,133
you're talking to me like I work for you.
1121
00:45:20,633 --> 00:45:23,675
Yeah, well, you know, now you smellin'
what I'm fartin'. You know?
1122
00:45:23,758 --> 00:45:25,300
Let me make something very clear, Alan.
1123
00:45:25,383 --> 00:45:27,966
You could talk to everyone else that way,
1124
00:45:28,258 --> 00:45:31,341
-but not your...
-Hold on, that's--
1125
00:45:31,425 --> 00:45:32,800
boss!
1126
00:45:32,883 --> 00:45:33,716
You hear me?
1127
00:45:35,466 --> 00:45:36,466
[chuckles]
1128
00:45:38,133 --> 00:45:38,966
[sniffs]
1129
00:45:40,675 --> 00:45:42,425
Let me tell you something...
1130
00:45:43,633 --> 00:45:44,466
Linda.
1131
00:45:45,841 --> 00:45:48,175
-[gulps]
-[glass shatters]
1132
00:45:49,091 --> 00:45:50,050
Nobody,
1133
00:45:50,341 --> 00:45:51,258
but nobody,
1134
00:45:51,758 --> 00:45:53,050
talks to me that way.
1135
00:45:53,383 --> 00:45:54,800
So, here's what I want you to do.
1136
00:45:54,883 --> 00:45:57,841
I want you to take your ass over there
and write me a check!
1137
00:45:58,425 --> 00:45:59,466
'Cause Daddy
1138
00:45:59,800 --> 00:46:01,300
got bills to pay.
1139
00:46:02,425 --> 00:46:03,800
You feel me?
1140
00:46:05,716 --> 00:46:06,675
I feel you.
1141
00:46:06,883 --> 00:46:07,800
[Ethan] Mm-hmm.
1142
00:46:08,591 --> 00:46:09,425
Good.
1143
00:46:09,716 --> 00:46:11,008
I feel you!
1144
00:46:11,341 --> 00:46:12,383
Good.
1145
00:46:13,758 --> 00:46:15,258
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
1146
00:46:15,341 --> 00:46:17,966
I feel you!
1147
00:46:18,716 --> 00:46:21,050
Okay. That's what we said. [chuckles]
1148
00:46:21,966 --> 00:46:23,466
-Oh. Wait. Ooh.
-[Linda moans]
1149
00:46:23,550 --> 00:46:25,800
-I feel that.
-I feel you.
1150
00:46:25,883 --> 00:46:27,883
Hey! Yeah. [chuckles]
1151
00:46:28,550 --> 00:46:30,758
I feel you.
1152
00:46:31,133 --> 00:46:33,425
-Okay!
-[Linda] I feel you.
1153
00:46:33,675 --> 00:46:34,508
[remote beeps]
1154
00:46:36,383 --> 00:46:38,466
Oh, man.
That's some cool shit right there.
1155
00:46:38,550 --> 00:46:40,091
You know, I was thinkin' about gettin'--
1156
00:46:41,800 --> 00:46:44,008
Now it's time to consummate our...
1157
00:46:44,800 --> 00:46:46,133
[whispers] partnership.
1158
00:46:47,758 --> 00:46:48,883
Oh!
1159
00:46:52,383 --> 00:46:54,758
I think you just gave me a raise.
1160
00:46:54,841 --> 00:46:56,466
-[Linda] Mm-hmm.
-[Ethan] Mm.
1161
00:46:57,091 --> 00:46:57,925
Mm-hmm.
1162
00:46:58,008 --> 00:46:59,216
[kissing and moaning]
1163
00:46:59,300 --> 00:47:01,508
[Dawn] Ooh, stop in there. I need
something to drink.
1164
00:47:01,591 --> 00:47:04,466
-I am parched. Okurr?
-Hey, Alan. Can you get me some cereal?
1165
00:47:04,550 --> 00:47:06,633
[Dawn] All right, you need to stop
eating that cereal.
1166
00:47:06,716 --> 00:47:08,716
I think you got too much riboflavin
in your system.
1167
00:47:08,800 --> 00:47:10,508
That's why you big and swollen like that.
1168
00:47:10,591 --> 00:47:12,050
-Okay...
-It's affecting your thyroid.
1169
00:47:12,133 --> 00:47:15,133
-[Russell] Stop fat-shaming!
-[Alan] All right! Just stay in the car.
1170
00:47:15,716 --> 00:47:16,591
Thank you.
1171
00:47:17,841 --> 00:47:18,758
[cell phone chimes]
1172
00:47:18,841 --> 00:47:21,258
[Dawn] Y'all some big-ass white boys.
1173
00:47:21,591 --> 00:47:23,008
-Y'all truckers, huh?
-Damn.
1174
00:47:23,633 --> 00:47:25,341
[Dawn] I like me some truckers.
1175
00:47:25,425 --> 00:47:28,466
'Cause you know why?
They can handle the wide load.
1176
00:47:28,800 --> 00:47:30,550
Huh? Can you take those turns, hmm?
1177
00:47:30,633 --> 00:47:32,300
[man] Yeah, I drive a big rig.
1178
00:47:32,383 --> 00:47:35,925
[Dawn] Let's skip all the small sides
and get straight to the main course.
1179
00:47:36,008 --> 00:47:37,466
Which one of you want some...
1180
00:47:37,883 --> 00:47:38,800
calamari?
1181
00:47:39,591 --> 00:47:40,966
I am the seafood lover.
1182
00:47:41,383 --> 00:47:43,050
[Dawn] There's a dumpster
right back there.
1183
00:47:43,133 --> 00:47:45,341
I'll close my eyes and pretend
y'all the Ying Yang Twins--
1184
00:47:45,425 --> 00:47:46,508
Uh, Dawn. We gotta go.
1185
00:47:46,591 --> 00:47:48,425
Ugh! What?
1186
00:47:48,925 --> 00:47:51,133
Oh, my God. You comin' over here
lookin' all judgmental.
1187
00:47:51,216 --> 00:47:53,508
You are not God or Obama.
1188
00:47:53,591 --> 00:47:54,675
So, what do you want?
1189
00:47:55,091 --> 00:47:56,216
I'm sorry, fellas.
1190
00:47:56,300 --> 00:47:58,508
-My sister's spoken for, so...
-[scoffs]
1191
00:47:58,758 --> 00:48:00,050
Squeeze me.
1192
00:48:00,216 --> 00:48:01,758
I am a grown-ass woman.
1193
00:48:01,841 --> 00:48:03,675
-If I want to sit on they face...
-That's gross.
1194
00:48:03,758 --> 00:48:05,050
...I'mma do that, okay?
1195
00:48:05,133 --> 00:48:06,216
So, what do you want?
1196
00:48:06,300 --> 00:48:07,300
Girl, come on!
1197
00:48:07,883 --> 00:48:10,341
Oh, my goodness. You make me sick, Alan.
1198
00:48:11,508 --> 00:48:13,008
Did you get my Count Chocula?
1199
00:48:13,383 --> 00:48:15,175
-No, but they did have--
-Rats!
1200
00:48:15,258 --> 00:48:17,716
Oh, ain't nobody care
about no damn cereal.
1201
00:48:17,800 --> 00:48:20,008
God! So, did they have my Four Loko?
1202
00:48:20,091 --> 00:48:21,508
-No.
-Any fine liquors?
1203
00:48:21,800 --> 00:48:23,966
Four Loko is not fine liquor, Dawn.
1204
00:48:24,050 --> 00:48:25,383
You have a drinking problem.
1205
00:48:25,466 --> 00:48:29,216
Listen, guys. I just got a ping
from the Adoption Registry in Mississippi.
1206
00:48:29,716 --> 00:48:30,925
Baby Pete is in the hospital.
1207
00:48:31,008 --> 00:48:32,508
-He's in ICU.
-Mm-mm, mm-mm-mm.
1208
00:48:32,591 --> 00:48:34,050
-He only has a few days to live.
-Ooh.
1209
00:48:34,133 --> 00:48:35,591
Then we must hurry to his side!
1210
00:48:35,675 --> 00:48:38,216
-Mm.
-Listen, I promised Marie I'd be home.
1211
00:48:38,300 --> 00:48:39,341
I'm havin' a baby soon.
1212
00:48:39,425 --> 00:48:40,633
He's our brother!
1213
00:48:40,925 --> 00:48:43,175
This might be our only chance
to meet him, Alan.
1214
00:48:43,258 --> 00:48:45,216
-[Dawn] Thanks.
-All right. Fine.
1215
00:48:46,216 --> 00:48:48,633
We'll drop Dawn,
and then you and I will go see Baby Pete.
1216
00:48:49,008 --> 00:48:50,091
Okey-dokey, smokey.
1217
00:48:50,716 --> 00:48:56,133
Hol' on, hol' on, hol' on, hol' on,
hol' on, hol' on, hol' on, hol' on!
1218
00:48:57,216 --> 00:49:00,341
I'm goin' with y'all, okay?
He's my brother, too.
1219
00:49:00,550 --> 00:49:02,508
And right now, he needs his family.
1220
00:49:02,591 --> 00:49:05,258
Besides, if he rich,
I wanna be in that will.
1221
00:49:05,758 --> 00:49:07,466
Russell, I'm ridin' shotgun!
1222
00:49:07,550 --> 00:49:08,508
You're a bully, Dawn!
1223
00:49:08,591 --> 00:49:11,258
So, get up out the front seat,
you smell like bellybutton.
1224
00:49:11,341 --> 00:49:13,883
I don't want that smell
woofin' on me as we drive.
1225
00:49:14,175 --> 00:49:15,175
I don't stink!
1226
00:49:15,258 --> 00:49:17,883
I just have a really aggressive
sweat gland disorder.
1227
00:49:17,966 --> 00:49:19,050
[clattering]
1228
00:49:19,133 --> 00:49:19,966
-Hey!
-Okay.
1229
00:49:20,050 --> 00:49:21,550
-Stupid.
-Everybody in the car. Quick--
1230
00:49:21,633 --> 00:49:23,383
-What the hell did you do to my truck?
-Uh-oh.
1231
00:49:23,466 --> 00:49:26,425
Hol' on, hol' on, hol'--
Who the hell are you yellin' at?
1232
00:49:26,508 --> 00:49:28,633
You better turn that anger down.
1233
00:49:28,716 --> 00:49:29,966
Your face all red.
1234
00:49:30,050 --> 00:49:33,550
You better turn it down to pink,
and then back down to white.
1235
00:49:33,800 --> 00:49:34,800
I don't play that.
1236
00:49:34,883 --> 00:49:37,675
It's not really red,
it was more of an orange tint.
1237
00:49:38,258 --> 00:49:40,258
Uh, listen, I'm sorry.
It was... It was an accident.
1238
00:49:40,341 --> 00:49:42,966
How about I accidentally kick your ass?
1239
00:49:43,258 --> 00:49:45,758
Oh, oh, God! I know you didn't!
1240
00:49:45,841 --> 00:49:48,550
You did not threaten
my new brother like that.
1241
00:49:48,633 --> 00:49:51,550
-See, I don't know him, but I love him.
-I don't know her.
1242
00:49:52,008 --> 00:49:54,216
I swear for God,
you don't know what you...
1243
00:49:54,300 --> 00:49:55,841
Wait, Dawn! Dawn, Dawn, Dawn, Dawn!
1244
00:49:55,925 --> 00:49:57,758
You think you so tough 'cause you tall?
1245
00:49:57,841 --> 00:50:00,925
I ain't afraid of you.
I'll kick you so hard in your balls,
1246
00:50:01,133 --> 00:50:02,883
that it'll replace your tonsils.
1247
00:50:02,966 --> 00:50:04,508
And if you get tonsillitis,
1248
00:50:04,591 --> 00:50:06,758
then they take out your tonsils,
but guess what?
1249
00:50:06,841 --> 00:50:08,675
They really takin' out your balls.
1250
00:50:09,716 --> 00:50:11,508
But they'll still give you ice cream.
1251
00:50:12,341 --> 00:50:14,425
Y'all think it's just empty threats?
1252
00:50:14,508 --> 00:50:17,466
You think this is an empty threat?
Oh, that's it. Now I'm bent!
1253
00:50:17,550 --> 00:50:18,925
I got my Vaseline.
1254
00:50:19,133 --> 00:50:22,383
Oh, I'm about to put that Vaseline
all over my face
1255
00:50:22,466 --> 00:50:25,591
'cause when you hit me,
it's gonna slide right off, like, mmm...
1256
00:50:25,675 --> 00:50:26,716
And I'll look at you, like,
1257
00:50:26,800 --> 00:50:28,300
"Now I'm mad."
1258
00:50:28,841 --> 00:50:29,966
Oh, you ain't gone yet?
1259
00:50:30,050 --> 00:50:32,050
I'mma turn my back, count to three.
1260
00:50:32,133 --> 00:50:33,258
If y'all ain't gone,
1261
00:50:33,591 --> 00:50:35,383
that's when I'mma go crazy.
1262
00:50:35,800 --> 00:50:37,925
One, two, three.
1263
00:50:38,008 --> 00:50:39,091
They're not gone, Dawn.
1264
00:50:40,341 --> 00:50:42,300
Ooh, they still there! Oh!
1265
00:50:42,383 --> 00:50:45,175
Oh, I see what it is. It's a full moon.
1266
00:50:45,758 --> 00:50:47,716
You gonna bring the werewolf out in me.
1267
00:50:48,216 --> 00:50:49,633
I see the moon, I'm like...
1268
00:50:49,716 --> 00:50:51,591
[growling]
1269
00:50:51,675 --> 00:50:54,133
[howls]
1270
00:50:54,425 --> 00:50:55,716
I'm a werewolf, bitch!
1271
00:50:55,966 --> 00:50:57,758
I'm sharpenin' my nails on the ground.
1272
00:50:57,841 --> 00:50:59,591
I sharpen my nails on the ground.
1273
00:50:59,883 --> 00:51:03,675
Yeah, I'm about to scratch your face
and give you infections!
1274
00:51:04,008 --> 00:51:05,050
Dawn, stop!
1275
00:51:05,883 --> 00:51:06,925
I got this!
1276
00:51:07,591 --> 00:51:09,091
Ain't nobody punkin' us!
1277
00:51:09,216 --> 00:51:11,425
Listen, how about you just give me
insurance information--
1278
00:51:11,800 --> 00:51:12,633
[grunts]
1279
00:51:13,675 --> 00:51:14,633
Oh!
1280
00:51:15,091 --> 00:51:15,925
[blows]
1281
00:51:16,841 --> 00:51:18,591
[screams]
1282
00:51:19,425 --> 00:51:21,008
-[man screams]
-[Dawn grunts]
1283
00:51:21,091 --> 00:51:23,675
-Ooh, get 'em, Dawn! Get 'em!
-[grunting]
1284
00:51:24,425 --> 00:51:25,633
-[grunting]
-Ooh.
1285
00:51:26,716 --> 00:51:28,383
[man grunting]
1286
00:51:29,216 --> 00:51:31,800
Don't you ever mess with my family!
1287
00:51:32,633 --> 00:51:34,175
Oh, you think this is a game?
1288
00:51:34,508 --> 00:51:35,341
Go deep, bitch!
1289
00:51:37,133 --> 00:51:38,008
[laughs]
1290
00:51:38,091 --> 00:51:39,175
Boo!
1291
00:51:39,258 --> 00:51:41,050
[Dawn] Boo-yah! [laughs]
1292
00:51:41,300 --> 00:51:43,216
I did it! I did it!
1293
00:51:43,425 --> 00:51:44,883
-[Alan groans]
-Alan?
1294
00:51:45,091 --> 00:51:45,925
Mm.
1295
00:51:46,008 --> 00:51:47,633
[Alan cries]
1296
00:51:48,800 --> 00:51:52,091
-Alan?
-Oh... my God.
1297
00:51:52,175 --> 00:51:53,716
-[crying]
-[Russell] You think he's dead?
1298
00:51:53,800 --> 00:51:55,883
No, dead people don't cry.
1299
00:51:56,800 --> 00:51:58,508
I think he broke my nose.
1300
00:51:59,133 --> 00:52:01,758
-You should probably see a doctor.
-Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah.
1301
00:52:01,841 --> 00:52:03,300
-Right?
-Definitely.
1302
00:52:03,383 --> 00:52:05,175
[cries]
1303
00:52:05,258 --> 00:52:06,091
Ow!
1304
00:52:23,383 --> 00:52:24,383
[lock clattering]
1305
00:52:29,175 --> 00:52:30,633
[Spanish accent] Housekeeping!
1306
00:52:31,008 --> 00:52:32,508
Habla Inglés?
1307
00:52:33,383 --> 00:52:35,841
Oh, sookie, sookie now.
1308
00:52:36,300 --> 00:52:39,800
How'd a sucka like you
get a fox like that?
1309
00:52:39,966 --> 00:52:42,341
See, now I know you got money.
Where the money at?
1310
00:52:42,425 --> 00:52:43,550
[sniffing]
1311
00:52:46,633 --> 00:52:47,883
Oh!
1312
00:52:48,466 --> 00:52:49,425
[sucks teeth]
1313
00:52:49,508 --> 00:52:50,883
Yeah, I'mma cut this conk off,
1314
00:52:50,966 --> 00:52:53,716
and I'mma take this sucka's identity
and his bitch.
1315
00:52:53,800 --> 00:52:55,758
I just need some clippers
and some vinegar.
1316
00:52:55,841 --> 00:52:57,050
-[razor turns on]
-[chuckles]
1317
00:52:59,800 --> 00:53:01,216
[humming]
1318
00:53:05,883 --> 00:53:07,633
Oh, my gosh, Alan!
1319
00:53:08,383 --> 00:53:09,550
[Marie laughs]
1320
00:53:09,633 --> 00:53:12,133
Hey! Surprise!
1321
00:53:12,216 --> 00:53:15,216
-I'm so glad you're home!
-Babe, good to see you.
1322
00:53:15,716 --> 00:53:16,633
[Ethan] Oh!
1323
00:53:17,383 --> 00:53:18,966
Oh! I missed...
1324
00:53:19,466 --> 00:53:21,341
-Hey, baby.
-Hey. Oh, oh!
1325
00:53:21,633 --> 00:53:22,841
-Alan! [laughs]
-Hmm?
1326
00:53:22,925 --> 00:53:24,925
-You never use tongue.
-Well, you know I'm tryin'...
1327
00:53:25,008 --> 00:53:26,550
-Alan.
-...to change it up, baby girl.
1328
00:53:26,633 --> 00:53:28,091
-[laughs]
-Girl, look at you.
1329
00:53:28,175 --> 00:53:29,800
-You look good.
-Oh, thank you.
1330
00:53:29,883 --> 00:53:32,383
You look about six months pregnant
in the stomach,
1331
00:53:32,466 --> 00:53:34,466
and about nine months pregnant back there.
1332
00:53:34,550 --> 00:53:36,966
[chuckles] Oh, and we're gonna be late
for class.
1333
00:53:37,300 --> 00:53:38,175
Wait.
1334
00:53:39,800 --> 00:53:42,633
Is that the sweater my mom got you
for your birthday?
1335
00:53:43,216 --> 00:53:44,425
You hate that thing.
1336
00:53:44,508 --> 00:53:47,216
Girl, don't be tryin' to hate on my love.
This is swag.
1337
00:53:47,300 --> 00:53:49,633
All the real players wore Coogi. Come on.
1338
00:53:49,716 --> 00:53:52,966
Biggie, Snoop,
and then that Cosby put it on
1339
00:53:53,050 --> 00:53:55,841
and put a whole stank connotation on it.
You know what I mean?
1340
00:53:56,091 --> 00:53:57,425
Why are you talkin' like that?
1341
00:53:58,300 --> 00:53:59,675
Why am I talkin' like what?
1342
00:53:59,758 --> 00:54:01,341
Like a 1970's pimp.
1343
00:54:01,758 --> 00:54:03,841
Aw, sh-- Thank you.
1344
00:54:04,133 --> 00:54:06,800
Oh, my gosh, Alan.
Please tell me that gold cap's a temp.
1345
00:54:06,883 --> 00:54:08,008
-This right here?
-Uh-huh.
1346
00:54:08,091 --> 00:54:11,675
That's the real thing.
That's eight carat gold-plated.
1347
00:54:12,050 --> 00:54:13,925
Yeah, a little bit of mercury up in there.
1348
00:54:14,008 --> 00:54:16,508
Sometimes I... suck it
and it make me a little dizzy.
1349
00:54:16,591 --> 00:54:20,591
-Okay. We're gonna be late. We gotta go.
-Okay, but wait, wait. Where are we goin'?
1350
00:54:20,675 --> 00:54:21,716
Breastfeeding class.
1351
00:54:21,800 --> 00:54:23,425
-A class with breasts?
-Yes.
1352
00:54:23,508 --> 00:54:25,800
Yes. It's the last one
before the baby comes, remember?
1353
00:54:25,883 --> 00:54:27,966
-Oh, I'm gonna get an "A" in this.
-Come on.
1354
00:54:28,050 --> 00:54:29,716
[chuckles] I'm coming!
1355
00:54:31,258 --> 00:54:33,216
[woman speaks indistinctly over PA]
1356
00:54:33,883 --> 00:54:36,716
Okay, hold tight. We're gonna get you
out of here. This might sting a bit.
1357
00:54:36,800 --> 00:54:39,008
Man, after what I've been through
the past 72 hours,
1358
00:54:39,091 --> 00:54:40,466
I can pretty much handle anything--
1359
00:54:40,550 --> 00:54:41,550
-[bones crack]
-[screams]
1360
00:54:41,633 --> 00:54:43,591
Oh, I should punch you in the throat!
1361
00:54:43,675 --> 00:54:45,383
Yeah, you're gonna need surgery.
1362
00:54:45,591 --> 00:54:47,216
Ideally, before the nose resets.
1363
00:54:47,300 --> 00:54:48,675
-[sighs]
-Go visit your brother.
1364
00:54:48,758 --> 00:54:50,133
We'll grab you once an OR opens up.
1365
00:54:50,216 --> 00:54:51,633
Hey! Don't touch me.
1366
00:54:53,633 --> 00:54:56,591
[Baby Pete] So, I had three
open-heart surgeries before I was 11.
1367
00:54:56,675 --> 00:54:59,383
[Russell scoffs] And I complained
to Mother about a toothache.
1368
00:54:59,466 --> 00:55:00,841
All I had was a cavity.
1369
00:55:01,175 --> 00:55:04,591
Seven feet of my intestines taken out
by the time I was 21.
1370
00:55:04,675 --> 00:55:06,591
I got both knees replaced,
1371
00:55:06,675 --> 00:55:08,633
and I said to my doctor, I said, "Doc,
1372
00:55:08,716 --> 00:55:10,800
is this gonna affect my NBA career?"
1373
00:55:10,883 --> 00:55:12,008
[all laugh]
1374
00:55:13,758 --> 00:55:14,716
[laughs]
1375
00:55:14,800 --> 00:55:17,716
You's a trip, BP. You could've been
a stand-up comedian
1376
00:55:17,925 --> 00:55:19,925
if you wasn't gonna die
in, like, three days,
1377
00:55:20,008 --> 00:55:20,925
and you could stand up.
1378
00:55:21,008 --> 00:55:23,966
[Baby Pete] Girl, you gonna make me
die laughin' with your big self.
1379
00:55:24,050 --> 00:55:26,508
-It's a cold world, Dawn.
-Yes, it is.
1380
00:55:26,841 --> 00:55:28,050
Alan!
1381
00:55:28,466 --> 00:55:29,508
Hey!
1382
00:55:29,591 --> 00:55:30,675
Hey, bro-bro.
1383
00:55:30,758 --> 00:55:32,008
-[Alan] Baby Pete.
-Hey, Alan.
1384
00:55:32,091 --> 00:55:34,050
-[Dawn] Aw, look at this. Oh!
-How you doin'?
1385
00:55:34,133 --> 00:55:36,591
[grunts] Come on, brother.
Come here, give me some love.
1386
00:55:36,675 --> 00:55:38,508
Oh, it's so good to meet you.
1387
00:55:38,591 --> 00:55:40,758
That's what's up. Black love.
1388
00:55:40,841 --> 00:55:42,008
It's so sweet.
1389
00:55:42,091 --> 00:55:43,758
My God! [inhales deeply]
1390
00:55:43,841 --> 00:55:45,716
The resemblance is crazy.
1391
00:55:45,800 --> 00:55:47,341
We look like twins!
1392
00:55:47,425 --> 00:55:49,091
It-- it's uncanny.
1393
00:55:49,550 --> 00:55:52,133
Uh, except for that busted-ass nose.
1394
00:55:52,216 --> 00:55:53,591
Yeah, I...
1395
00:55:53,925 --> 00:55:55,341
-I don't--
-Don't we look alike?
1396
00:55:55,425 --> 00:55:56,883
Y'all look like twinsies.
1397
00:55:56,966 --> 00:55:58,300
Like, the upper arms,
1398
00:55:58,383 --> 00:55:59,216
the chest--
1399
00:55:59,300 --> 00:56:02,008
-Yeah, the hair. Like, the hair follicles.
-[Dawn] Uh-huh.
1400
00:56:02,091 --> 00:56:04,133
And even in the legs. Y'all got them...
1401
00:56:04,216 --> 00:56:06,591
them chicken-wing legs,
the ones that look like this.
1402
00:56:06,675 --> 00:56:09,758
This part of the chicken wing. Both y'all
got the same little chicken wing leg.
1403
00:56:09,841 --> 00:56:12,758
-[Alan] Really?
-We all see it. Them legs is same.
1404
00:56:12,841 --> 00:56:13,841
-Same legs.
-Uh, okay.
1405
00:56:13,925 --> 00:56:14,800
-All right.
-I see it.
1406
00:56:14,883 --> 00:56:17,841
Let's... let's not talk about the looks.
Let's talk about what's important.
1407
00:56:18,591 --> 00:56:21,383
And that is... how do you feel, huh?
1408
00:56:21,466 --> 00:56:24,758
Oh, not bad for a guy on his deathbed.
1409
00:56:24,841 --> 00:56:27,758
[laughs]
1410
00:56:28,175 --> 00:56:30,716
-That... That ain't funny.
-Completely inappropriate, Alan.
1411
00:56:30,800 --> 00:56:32,758
Just 'cause he look
like a little voodoo doll
1412
00:56:32,841 --> 00:56:34,550
don't mean you get to make fun of him.
1413
00:56:35,008 --> 00:56:36,675
Oh, um... sorry.
1414
00:56:36,758 --> 00:56:38,383
But you do give me the heebie-jeebies.
1415
00:56:38,966 --> 00:56:41,966
'Cause my skin been crawlin'
since I been here.
1416
00:56:42,050 --> 00:56:44,300
Like a little dehydrated Smurf.
1417
00:56:44,383 --> 00:56:47,800
You know, they're threatenin'
to amputate my right arm.
1418
00:56:47,966 --> 00:56:48,800
[scoffs]
1419
00:56:48,883 --> 00:56:50,550
Thank God I can throw with both.
1420
00:56:50,841 --> 00:56:52,008
[all] Me too!
1421
00:56:52,091 --> 00:56:53,341
-No way!
-That's so...
1422
00:56:53,425 --> 00:56:54,550
-Yeah?
-Really?
1423
00:56:54,633 --> 00:56:55,841
-Wow, this--
-This is crazy!
1424
00:56:55,925 --> 00:56:57,883
-Our genetics is strong.
-Oh, my God!
1425
00:56:58,258 --> 00:57:00,675
You know, I just want to thank you
for comin',
1426
00:57:00,758 --> 00:57:02,966
from the bottom of my enlarged heart.
1427
00:57:03,300 --> 00:57:05,258
I just knew one day,
1428
00:57:05,341 --> 00:57:07,508
a miracle's gonna walk
right through that door.
1429
00:57:07,800 --> 00:57:08,966
I just wanna thank God.
1430
00:57:09,050 --> 00:57:11,091
God is good. Makes me wanna
scream His name and say,
1431
00:57:11,175 --> 00:57:12,966
♪ "God!" ♪
1432
00:57:13,050 --> 00:57:14,466
♪ Holy do it! ♪
1433
00:57:14,550 --> 00:57:15,508
I pray to him,
1434
00:57:15,966 --> 00:57:19,508
and he makes my cereal cupeth
runneth overeth.
1435
00:57:21,300 --> 00:57:23,508
Dr. Williams! Hey.
1436
00:57:23,591 --> 00:57:25,008
-Hey! How you doin', Doc?
-Alan! Wow.
1437
00:57:25,091 --> 00:57:26,883
-Nice to meet you.
-Wow, what a wonderful thing
1438
00:57:26,966 --> 00:57:28,258
you're doin' for Baby Pete, Alan.
1439
00:57:28,341 --> 00:57:29,550
You are a hero.
1440
00:57:29,841 --> 00:57:31,800
Ah, it's no big deal, you know?
1441
00:57:31,883 --> 00:57:33,716
I mean, it's a bit of a drive, but--
1442
00:57:33,800 --> 00:57:37,466
Still. Not every day that a long-lost
family member appears out of thin air
1443
00:57:37,550 --> 00:57:38,508
to donate a kidney.
1444
00:57:38,591 --> 00:57:39,550
You said what?
1445
00:57:39,633 --> 00:57:42,008
[stammers] Now, Alan,
it's just a simple procedure.
1446
00:57:42,091 --> 00:57:43,633
You'll be out of here in a few days.
1447
00:57:43,716 --> 00:57:45,008
A few days?
1448
00:57:45,091 --> 00:57:48,175
As long as there are no complications.
But hey, you get the honor
1449
00:57:48,258 --> 00:57:49,550
of saving your brother's life.
1450
00:57:50,091 --> 00:57:52,175
Right? I just need you
to sign this release.
1451
00:57:52,258 --> 00:57:53,466
Doc, I don't care about him.
1452
00:57:53,550 --> 00:57:54,883
-I don't know him.
-Sure you do.
1453
00:57:54,966 --> 00:57:56,675
-You lyin', Alan.
-[doctor] You're so funny.
1454
00:57:56,758 --> 00:57:58,216
I don't know this little--
1455
00:58:01,300 --> 00:58:02,300
Why does it gotta be me?
1456
00:58:02,383 --> 00:58:04,800
Why you gotta take my kidney?
Why don't you take one of theirs?
1457
00:58:04,883 --> 00:58:08,466
Well, apparently, I'm "medically obese,"
so, it counts me out.
1458
00:58:08,591 --> 00:58:11,716
And don't look at me, 'cause I sniffed
way too much laptop cleaner,
1459
00:58:11,800 --> 00:58:13,966
and I popped a Molly yesterday.
1460
00:58:14,050 --> 00:58:15,050
I want some Molly.
1461
00:58:15,258 --> 00:58:16,091
What's Molly?
1462
00:58:16,175 --> 00:58:17,758
Okay. [sighs]
1463
00:58:17,841 --> 00:58:20,216
Alan, I get it. You're scared.
1464
00:58:20,341 --> 00:58:22,383
I was scared when I had my first colonic.
1465
00:58:22,466 --> 00:58:23,925
He put a finger in my butt,
1466
00:58:24,008 --> 00:58:26,091
-I felt-- But--
-No, no... That's not--
1467
00:58:26,758 --> 00:58:27,883
Okay.
1468
00:58:28,591 --> 00:58:29,966
-Baby Pete?
-Mm-hmm.
1469
00:58:30,050 --> 00:58:31,091
I wanna help you.
1470
00:58:31,175 --> 00:58:32,383
-Okay.
-You're my brother.
1471
00:58:32,633 --> 00:58:34,883
For another three days to a week.
1472
00:58:35,175 --> 00:58:36,508
[coughs]
1473
00:58:36,883 --> 00:58:39,758
When he die, I'm just gonna take
his little dead body
1474
00:58:39,841 --> 00:58:41,175
and put it on a key chain,
1475
00:58:41,508 --> 00:58:42,841
like a rabbit's foot.
1476
00:58:43,341 --> 00:58:46,883
Look, guys. I'm about to become a dad.
1477
00:58:46,966 --> 00:58:48,800
And if something happens to me,
1478
00:58:48,883 --> 00:58:51,425
then my child will grow up
without a father.
1479
00:58:51,508 --> 00:58:53,216
And that already happened to me.
1480
00:58:53,466 --> 00:58:54,383
And you.
1481
00:58:55,425 --> 00:58:57,800
So, no. I'm sorry. I-I can't do it.
1482
00:58:58,508 --> 00:59:00,175
You, sir, are a monster!
1483
00:59:01,008 --> 00:59:02,091
That is not fair.
1484
00:59:02,383 --> 00:59:03,841
He's too young to die.
1485
00:59:04,216 --> 00:59:05,966
Take part of me, instead.
1486
00:59:06,258 --> 00:59:07,133
Just not my kidneys.
1487
00:59:07,216 --> 00:59:08,341
-Say what?
-Move, Dawn.
1488
00:59:08,425 --> 00:59:10,341
Oh, you ain't about nothin'.
1489
00:59:11,966 --> 00:59:15,383
I can't believe I fought
those two rednecks for you.
1490
00:59:15,800 --> 00:59:17,300
You started that fight!
1491
00:59:17,383 --> 00:59:19,508
Ugh, you make me sick.
1492
00:59:19,675 --> 00:59:20,508
Ugh.
1493
00:59:21,508 --> 00:59:23,633
Uh, look, Alan.
1494
00:59:24,258 --> 00:59:26,425
I'm high on the donor's list.
1495
00:59:26,508 --> 00:59:29,966
The doctor's say I have a 0.001 chance.
1496
00:59:30,133 --> 00:59:32,216
Yeah, [stammers] that's a chance.
1497
00:59:32,633 --> 00:59:33,800
-Mr. Daniels.
-Hey.
1498
00:59:34,258 --> 00:59:35,466
An OR just became available.
1499
00:59:35,550 --> 00:59:37,466
We are ready to take care of that nose.
1500
00:59:37,550 --> 00:59:38,800
-Okay. Be careful.
-All right.
1501
00:59:38,883 --> 00:59:41,550
-Looks like it's setting sideways.
-Ow!
1502
00:59:41,633 --> 00:59:43,300
Just need you to sign these release forms.
1503
00:59:43,383 --> 00:59:44,925
Here you go, Doc.
1504
00:59:45,050 --> 00:59:46,883
Aw, thanks, Baby Pete.
1505
00:59:46,966 --> 00:59:48,925
Ah, no problem, bro.
1506
00:59:57,425 --> 00:59:59,175
Baby Pete, I'm... I'm sorry.
1507
00:59:59,675 --> 01:00:01,341
Don't worry about it, Alan.
1508
01:00:01,883 --> 01:00:02,841
[chuckles]
1509
01:00:02,925 --> 01:00:05,758
Everything happens for a reason.
1510
01:00:07,800 --> 01:00:08,800
Be strong, okay?
1511
01:00:09,966 --> 01:00:11,175
Bye.
1512
01:00:12,175 --> 01:00:14,050
You'll always be with me.
1513
01:00:15,133 --> 01:00:18,466
And let go of all that negative energy.
1514
01:00:18,633 --> 01:00:21,966
Let go, and create a cocoon of positivity,
1515
01:00:22,050 --> 01:00:23,883
-for your beautiful baby.
-All right, move on.
1516
01:00:23,966 --> 01:00:26,758
The sun, the moon, and the stars.
Let's get to the titties, you know?
1517
01:00:26,841 --> 01:00:28,800
Let's-- That's what we're here for, right?
1518
01:00:28,883 --> 01:00:31,133
-Let's... Let's pull them suckers out.
-[clears throat]
1519
01:00:31,216 --> 01:00:32,675
-Alan.
-Did I say that out loud?
1520
01:00:32,758 --> 01:00:33,883
-Yes.
-My bad.
1521
01:00:34,341 --> 01:00:35,175
Sorry.
1522
01:00:36,091 --> 01:00:36,925
Now...
1523
01:00:37,425 --> 01:00:39,591
before you expose the nipple,
1524
01:00:39,675 --> 01:00:41,175
we want to be careful.
1525
01:00:41,258 --> 01:00:43,091
-Hey! Hey! Excuse me!
-Huh?
1526
01:00:43,175 --> 01:00:44,716
Absolutely no photos!
1527
01:00:44,800 --> 01:00:47,466
-Jesus, stop it!
-I just want one picture for the 'Gram.
1528
01:00:47,550 --> 01:00:49,341
[instructor]
No! Do I have to ask you to leave?
1529
01:00:49,425 --> 01:00:52,050
-[Marie] What's gotten into you?
-I ain't been feelin' well all day.
1530
01:00:52,133 --> 01:00:55,008
-[sniffs] Do you-- Is that Hennessy?
-That's cognac, but it ain't Hennessy.
1531
01:00:55,466 --> 01:00:57,341
[clears throat, mutters indistinctly]
1532
01:00:59,591 --> 01:01:02,258
Now, latching is everything.
1533
01:01:02,341 --> 01:01:06,425
I just wanna volunteer
if anybody needs help with latching.
1534
01:01:06,508 --> 01:01:09,341
-That's it, sir. You have to leave.
-[people murmuring]
1535
01:01:09,425 --> 01:01:11,550
Man, y'all a bunch of prudes
in this class.
1536
01:01:12,550 --> 01:01:15,383
-Hold on-- Girl, this is Coogi! The Coo--
-[Marie] Mm-mm.
1537
01:01:15,550 --> 01:01:17,008
Who the hell are you?
1538
01:01:17,091 --> 01:01:19,550
Baby, why you trippin'? I'm Alan.
1539
01:01:20,300 --> 01:01:21,216
You're Ethan.
1540
01:01:21,508 --> 01:01:23,675
Or Jaspar. You know what?
It doesn't matter.
1541
01:01:23,925 --> 01:01:26,008
You know what? I-- I am Alan.
1542
01:01:26,091 --> 01:01:28,133
Says right here on my ID.
1543
01:01:28,216 --> 01:01:29,633
See? That's Alan.
1544
01:01:30,591 --> 01:01:32,050
-Oh, hell no.
-That's me.
1545
01:01:32,550 --> 01:01:33,591
Oh, my goodness.
1546
01:01:33,675 --> 01:01:35,925
See, smilin'. Who you callin'?
Wait, who you callin'?
1547
01:01:36,008 --> 01:01:37,133
I'm callin' the police.
1548
01:01:37,216 --> 01:01:38,758
-You can't call the po-po!
-Yes, I can!
1549
01:01:38,841 --> 01:01:40,591
-Who are you, Barbecue Becky?
-I will be.
1550
01:01:40,675 --> 01:01:42,425
-Are you Permit Patty?
-Try me.
1551
01:01:42,508 --> 01:01:44,675
Okay. [stammers] Let a brother explain.
1552
01:01:46,508 --> 01:01:47,925
You've got five seconds.
1553
01:01:48,008 --> 01:01:48,841
[sighs]
1554
01:01:48,925 --> 01:01:50,633
All right. Okay, here's the thing.
1555
01:01:51,383 --> 01:01:52,216
I'm Ethan.
1556
01:01:52,300 --> 01:01:53,425
That's what I thought.
1557
01:01:53,508 --> 01:01:56,633
I had got an email from Alan
saying he wanted to find a family,
1558
01:01:56,925 --> 01:01:59,508
and he sound real sentimental,
like a little sad sack,
1559
01:01:59,591 --> 01:02:00,883
so he sound vulnerable to me,
1560
01:02:00,966 --> 01:02:03,091
so I was like,
"Boom, let me get his identity."
1561
01:02:03,175 --> 01:02:05,300
So, I was gonna procure
a small business loan
1562
01:02:05,383 --> 01:02:07,841
because Alan got good credit.
1563
01:02:07,925 --> 01:02:10,591
Like, he got white credit.
See, I see why you was with him, sister.
1564
01:02:10,675 --> 01:02:13,133
Wait, so you were gonna steal
my husband's identity?
1565
01:02:13,216 --> 01:02:17,341
I'mma be real with you. I know I look rich
with this old gold tooth in my mouth,
1566
01:02:17,425 --> 01:02:18,883
that says, "Money, money, money!"
1567
01:02:20,466 --> 01:02:22,258
But that's not the case, okay? I...
1568
01:02:22,841 --> 01:02:24,466
[sighs] I'm flat broke.
1569
01:02:25,716 --> 01:02:28,300
Yeah, I lost my business
a couple of months ago.
1570
01:02:28,383 --> 01:02:30,800
-As what? A thief?
-[Ethan] Girl, I am legitimate.
1571
01:02:30,883 --> 01:02:32,966
I own a nail salon.
1572
01:02:33,175 --> 01:02:36,091
I do acrylics, gels, silks.
1573
01:02:36,175 --> 01:02:37,758
[chuckles] This place be magical.
1574
01:02:37,841 --> 01:02:40,175
Oh, really? Then what was it called?
1575
01:02:41,008 --> 01:02:43,050
"This Place Be Magical."
1576
01:02:44,633 --> 01:02:46,175
And why should I believe you?
1577
01:02:46,258 --> 01:02:49,383
Look here, did I hustle in the streets
my whole life?
1578
01:02:49,758 --> 01:02:53,466
Yes. Ain't nobody picked me up
from the State home.
1579
01:02:53,966 --> 01:02:55,883
So, you were never in a foster home?
1580
01:02:56,383 --> 01:02:57,258
No, ma'am.
1581
01:02:58,091 --> 01:02:59,258
Oh, my God. I'm...
1582
01:03:00,216 --> 01:03:02,716
-I'm so sorry--
-I'm good. I'm not... Stop that.
1583
01:03:03,050 --> 01:03:05,300
I'm good. You know?
I'm happy I did, you know?
1584
01:03:05,383 --> 01:03:07,550
-Okay.
-'Cause it... it made me who I am.
1585
01:03:07,633 --> 01:03:09,966
And I gotta tell ya, nail art?
1586
01:03:10,050 --> 01:03:10,925
Bam!
1587
01:03:11,008 --> 01:03:12,675
[chuckles] It was poppin'!
1588
01:03:12,758 --> 01:03:16,550
Until the landlord wanna break my lease
without warnin'.
1589
01:03:16,633 --> 01:03:19,591
Oh, well that's not legal.
Any decent lawyer could tell you that.
1590
01:03:19,675 --> 01:03:22,550
Girl, I can't afford no damn lawyer.
What's wrong with you?
1591
01:03:23,425 --> 01:03:24,716
What's your tenant ID?
1592
01:03:25,300 --> 01:03:26,133
Hmm?
1593
01:03:27,966 --> 01:03:29,383
Only one phone call.
1594
01:03:31,091 --> 01:03:34,341
You gonna make me blush, and I'm black,
and it's gonna look weird.
1595
01:03:34,633 --> 01:03:35,633
[machine beeps]
1596
01:03:35,716 --> 01:03:37,383
[heart monitor beeps steadily]
1597
01:03:40,091 --> 01:03:41,925
[woman] All right, Alan, you're all set.
1598
01:03:42,008 --> 01:03:42,841
Okay.
1599
01:03:42,925 --> 01:03:45,258
-Tell the doc to make it pretty.
-[woman] Sure.
1600
01:03:45,758 --> 01:03:47,008
[stammering] Uh, what's that?
1601
01:03:47,383 --> 01:03:50,258
It's to relax you. I don't think
you're gonna wanna be awake for this.
1602
01:03:50,591 --> 01:03:51,925
Okay, that's a good point.
1603
01:03:52,925 --> 01:03:53,925
Oh, wow.
1604
01:03:55,716 --> 01:03:57,966
This that stuff Lil Wayne have in his cup.
1605
01:03:58,675 --> 01:03:59,716
Dr. Williams?
1606
01:03:59,800 --> 01:04:00,675
That's me.
1607
01:04:01,675 --> 01:04:03,050
I thought the other doctor was...
1608
01:04:03,675 --> 01:04:06,675
Didn't... Another doctor's
gonna be workin' on my... fix...
1609
01:04:07,258 --> 01:04:08,591
What's this thing called?
1610
01:04:08,675 --> 01:04:10,091
-Nose? Yes.
-Yeah.
1611
01:04:10,175 --> 01:04:11,383
Yes, we're doing that as well.
1612
01:04:11,466 --> 01:04:12,508
-You got a nose.
-I do.
1613
01:04:12,591 --> 01:04:14,341
You may wanna back off
the dose a little bit.
1614
01:04:14,425 --> 01:04:16,550
Nurse, you got a... You got a big nose.
1615
01:04:16,675 --> 01:04:18,841
Okay, everything's in order.
Let's get him marked up.
1616
01:04:18,925 --> 01:04:19,758
[laughing]
1617
01:04:19,841 --> 01:04:22,841
So, we will go in
through the naval, laproscopically.
1618
01:04:23,133 --> 01:04:25,758
Then, through the incision point,
we will remove the kidney
1619
01:04:25,841 --> 01:04:27,550
and transplant it in Baby Pete.
1620
01:04:27,800 --> 01:04:28,925
[gasps]
1621
01:04:29,841 --> 01:04:31,841
[screaming]
1622
01:04:35,008 --> 01:04:36,675
[Dr. Williams] Alan! Alan!
1623
01:04:37,383 --> 01:04:38,508
[crying]
1624
01:04:51,550 --> 01:04:53,091
-Ethan?
-[Ethan] Mm-hmm.
1625
01:04:53,383 --> 01:04:55,591
Um, have you seen my necklace,
1626
01:04:55,966 --> 01:04:57,633
the one with the diamond pendant?
1627
01:04:59,341 --> 01:05:01,133
-Wow!
-Oh, the one with the diamond p--
1628
01:05:01,216 --> 01:05:03,591
Oh, you-- you-- you talkin' about this
right here?
1629
01:05:03,883 --> 01:05:06,966
I was just, um, holdin' it for you.
I was cleanin' it, actually.
1630
01:05:07,050 --> 01:05:09,425
You-- You know,
you need to invest in a safe. Uh...
1631
01:05:09,508 --> 01:05:12,341
A less legitimate brother
might've stole this from you.
1632
01:05:12,425 --> 01:05:14,550
But I ain't that type of dude.
You know what I'm sayin'?
1633
01:05:14,966 --> 01:05:16,591
It's beautiful.
1634
01:05:16,883 --> 01:05:18,341
-Oh, oh!
-[Marie] Look at this.
1635
01:05:18,591 --> 01:05:20,341
-Ain't no thang but a chicken wang.
-[gasps]
1636
01:05:20,425 --> 01:05:21,675
You know, that's how I do.
1637
01:05:21,758 --> 01:05:24,008
You know, I just like to paint.
It's just somethin' I do.
1638
01:05:24,091 --> 01:05:26,341
That color right there,
that's a tough one. That's...
1639
01:05:26,425 --> 01:05:27,966
That's Nose Candy White.
1640
01:05:28,050 --> 01:05:30,050
And all the hoochies love that one,
you know?
1641
01:05:30,133 --> 01:05:34,091
Behind Black Bitch, Big Booty Brown,
and Ratchet Raspberry.
1642
01:05:34,175 --> 01:05:36,133
But I... I thought it was
a little inappropriate
1643
01:05:36,216 --> 01:05:38,550
to paint the baby's room Black Bitch.
1644
01:05:39,050 --> 01:05:42,800
I mean, unless of course, it's a girl.
Then, you know... it may work.
1645
01:05:42,883 --> 01:05:43,966
[crying] Thank you.
1646
01:05:44,050 --> 01:05:47,841
And I-I just wanna take this time
to thank you for what you've done,
1647
01:05:47,925 --> 01:05:50,883
'cause, you know, throughout my life,
ain't nobody really ever
1648
01:05:50,966 --> 01:05:53,050
done me or treated me like-- Shit!
1649
01:05:54,341 --> 01:05:56,591
-[grunts]
-Oh, Ethan.
1650
01:05:58,216 --> 01:06:00,050
What I... What I'm tryin' to say...
1651
01:06:00,550 --> 01:06:02,716
Not many people really give a fuck...
1652
01:06:02,925 --> 01:06:03,800
about me.
1653
01:06:04,800 --> 01:06:05,633
[Ethan grunts]
1654
01:06:06,633 --> 01:06:07,966
One second. [inhales deeply]
1655
01:06:08,675 --> 01:06:11,466
What I'm tryin' to say is that,
you know, I had a hard...
1656
01:06:11,550 --> 01:06:13,175
hard... [breathing heavily]
1657
01:06:13,258 --> 01:06:15,550
-[Marie] It's okay.
-Hard life...
1658
01:06:16,050 --> 01:06:18,091
[mumbling]
1659
01:06:18,466 --> 01:06:19,883
[inhales deeply]
1660
01:06:19,966 --> 01:06:20,800
[exhales]
1661
01:06:21,216 --> 01:06:22,716
You're a good woman, you know?
1662
01:06:23,133 --> 01:06:25,091
You're kind, you got most of your hair.
1663
01:06:25,175 --> 01:06:28,133
-Thank you.
-Hey, look, Alan's a lucky man.
1664
01:06:28,300 --> 01:06:29,258
-[chuckles]
-Yeah.
1665
01:06:29,341 --> 01:06:30,841
-Oh!
-Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah! He's--
1666
01:06:30,925 --> 01:06:33,341
-Ooh.
-Look, 'cause I had some devious plans.
1667
01:06:33,425 --> 01:06:34,800
-I'm just keepin' it real.
-Uh-huh.
1668
01:06:34,883 --> 01:06:37,216
-You know? What happened? Is...
-[Marie chuckles]
1669
01:06:37,466 --> 01:06:38,883
-It's kicking.
-[Ethan] It's kicking?
1670
01:06:38,966 --> 01:06:40,216
Oh, you want me to kick it back?
1671
01:06:40,300 --> 01:06:41,841
-Oh, no, no, no. It's okay.
-Okay.
1672
01:06:41,925 --> 01:06:44,758
Oh, you got your little-- Girl, I just--
I could teach him some stuff.
1673
01:06:44,841 --> 01:06:46,300
-I know Wu-Tang and--
-Really?
1674
01:06:46,383 --> 01:06:48,550
Yeah, and Wong Chang and Chang Wong.
1675
01:06:48,633 --> 01:06:50,675
-Yeah, Ethan knows it.
-I can teach your baby to kick.
1676
01:06:50,758 --> 01:06:51,800
We could teach him to slap.
1677
01:06:51,883 --> 01:06:55,508
Ain't nobody was better at slap boxin'.
I'd slap the shit out them white boys.
1678
01:06:56,508 --> 01:06:57,883
[keyboard keys clacking]
1679
01:06:59,091 --> 01:07:01,925
[man over PA] Blue team to ICU, please.
Blue team, ICU.
1680
01:07:02,008 --> 01:07:03,800
[heart monitor beeps steadily]
1681
01:07:05,008 --> 01:07:05,841
[grunts]
1682
01:07:07,133 --> 01:07:08,258
Where am I?
1683
01:07:08,341 --> 01:07:09,591
Take it easy, Alan.
1684
01:07:09,675 --> 01:07:11,925
You've been out of surgery
for several hours.
1685
01:07:12,216 --> 01:07:14,716
One less kidney, but your nose
is back to normal.
1686
01:07:16,133 --> 01:07:16,966
One less...
1687
01:07:18,425 --> 01:07:19,258
[gasps]
1688
01:07:19,758 --> 01:07:22,008
-[screaming]
-Okay, calm down.
1689
01:07:22,091 --> 01:07:23,633
-It's fine. Deep breaths.
-Where is he?
1690
01:07:23,716 --> 01:07:24,841
-No, no.
-Where is he?
1691
01:07:24,925 --> 01:07:26,966
-I'm going to kill this little-- Oh!
-Sir, please, no!
1692
01:07:27,050 --> 01:07:29,758
-You need to take it easy!
-Take it easy?!
1693
01:07:29,841 --> 01:07:31,258
The boy took my kidney!
1694
01:07:31,341 --> 01:07:32,675
I need my kidney.
1695
01:07:32,883 --> 01:07:35,591
I don't know what for, but I need it!
Can you put it back?
1696
01:07:35,675 --> 01:07:36,883
No. That's ridiculous.
1697
01:07:36,966 --> 01:07:38,675
-Stay in bed.
-[groans]
1698
01:07:39,050 --> 01:07:41,091
Okay, where is he? Where's Baby Pete?
1699
01:07:41,175 --> 01:07:42,508
On a flight to Havana.
1700
01:07:42,591 --> 01:07:44,591
He took my kidney to a communist country?
1701
01:07:44,675 --> 01:07:46,091
He took a Medi-Jet this afternoon.
1702
01:07:46,175 --> 01:07:48,883
He started a crowdfunding page
for his post-op.
1703
01:07:48,966 --> 01:07:51,925
Raised $200,000.
People really love that guy.
1704
01:07:52,175 --> 01:07:54,175
I hate that guy! I'm gonna kill him.
1705
01:07:54,258 --> 01:07:56,341
-Where's my keys? Where are my keys?
-Oh!
1706
01:07:56,425 --> 01:07:58,258
Well, your sister left you this.
1707
01:08:02,800 --> 01:08:04,925
"IOU $10,000
1708
01:08:05,633 --> 01:08:07,341
and one car.
1709
01:08:07,800 --> 01:08:10,633
You my boo thang four life. Dawn."
1710
01:08:10,716 --> 01:08:11,550
[inhales]
1711
01:08:11,633 --> 01:08:15,050
You don't spell "for" F-O-U-R,
you ignoramus!
1712
01:08:15,300 --> 01:08:17,383
Didn't they teach you English in jail?!
1713
01:08:17,466 --> 01:08:20,258
All right. You stay there,
and I'm gonna get the doctor.
1714
01:08:20,341 --> 01:08:21,383
[Alan] Okay.
1715
01:08:23,091 --> 01:08:23,925
[door opens]
1716
01:08:24,008 --> 01:08:25,758
I'm gonna kill these people! All of 'em.
1717
01:08:26,133 --> 01:08:27,633
You gave him your kidney?
1718
01:08:27,716 --> 01:08:30,133
Well, I didn't give it to him.
He stole it.
1719
01:08:30,216 --> 01:08:31,050
Ow!
1720
01:08:31,466 --> 01:08:33,466
Well, [stammering] are you okay?
1721
01:08:33,550 --> 01:08:35,175
[Alan] No, I'm not okay.
1722
01:08:35,258 --> 01:08:37,466
Only good thing is
they fixed my broken nose.
1723
01:08:37,550 --> 01:08:40,133
Broken nose? What-- What the hell
is goin' on over there?
1724
01:08:40,216 --> 01:08:42,425
I don't know.
I had all these dreams, Marie,
1725
01:08:42,800 --> 01:08:46,591
about us bein' a family and I finally
have somethin' to bring to the table.
1726
01:08:46,883 --> 01:08:48,550
But you know what I learned about family?
1727
01:08:48,633 --> 01:08:49,466
They take.
1728
01:08:49,550 --> 01:08:52,008
They take your money,
they take your car... [groans]
1729
01:08:52,091 --> 01:08:53,216
they take your kidney.
1730
01:08:53,300 --> 01:08:56,341
Look. I don't know exactly
what's going on over there,
1731
01:08:56,425 --> 01:08:58,341
but you need to get your shit together!
1732
01:08:58,425 --> 01:09:01,050
-But baby, it's not me! You don't unders--
-No, no, no! I wanted you
1733
01:09:01,133 --> 01:09:03,716
to find your family,
to help you fill that void.
1734
01:09:03,800 --> 01:09:05,133
And up till this very moment,
1735
01:09:05,216 --> 01:09:07,216
-I have been supportive of you.
-[Alan] Yes, but...
1736
01:09:07,300 --> 01:09:08,508
M-Marie, you don't understand.
1737
01:09:08,591 --> 01:09:10,883
It's not me, it's these people,
this-- this family!
1738
01:09:10,966 --> 01:09:11,966
They screw everything up.
1739
01:09:12,050 --> 01:09:14,550
[Marie] No, Alan, it is you
who is screwing everything up
1740
01:09:14,633 --> 01:09:16,091
with the family you have right here!
1741
01:09:16,425 --> 01:09:17,966
I'm having your baby.
1742
01:09:18,050 --> 01:09:21,633
And you need to bring your ass home,
or don't bother coming home at all!
1743
01:09:22,883 --> 01:09:25,425
That might be the hormones talking,
I'm not really sure.
1744
01:09:25,508 --> 01:09:27,425
-Marie, baby, you don--
-Just bring your ass home!
1745
01:09:27,508 --> 01:09:28,633
-[call disconnects]
-[sighs]
1746
01:09:29,133 --> 01:09:30,008
Excuse me.
1747
01:09:30,800 --> 01:09:31,633
Yo!
1748
01:09:32,175 --> 01:09:33,008
Uber!
1749
01:09:33,508 --> 01:09:34,341
Hey.
1750
01:09:35,966 --> 01:09:36,966
Are you for Alan?
1751
01:09:37,508 --> 01:09:38,633
Uh, no, Elaine.
1752
01:09:39,008 --> 01:09:40,591
-Damn it.
-[Russell] Hey, Alan!
1753
01:09:41,300 --> 01:09:42,633
Where do you think you're goin'?
1754
01:09:43,258 --> 01:09:47,008
The doctor was pretty insistent
that you stay here for at least a week.
1755
01:09:48,258 --> 01:09:50,008
You know, Alan, I've been thinking.
1756
01:09:50,133 --> 01:09:52,425
That was a pretty incredible thing
you did for Baby Pete.
1757
01:09:52,841 --> 01:09:55,175
Who gives their kidney
to somebody he just met?
1758
01:09:55,550 --> 01:09:58,800
Yeah, but then again, I did you give you
my second-to-last hard candy, so...
1759
01:09:59,341 --> 01:10:02,091
I guess we both sacrificed, huh? Heroes.
1760
01:10:03,550 --> 01:10:04,591
I'm goin' home.
1761
01:10:05,383 --> 01:10:06,550
[Russell] Seriously?
1762
01:10:06,883 --> 01:10:09,383
I really woulda wish I had known
that was the case.
1763
01:10:09,800 --> 01:10:11,508
I just said goodbye to Dawn.
1764
01:10:12,008 --> 01:10:15,008
Yeah, but I'm pretty sure
she would've taken us back, though.
1765
01:10:15,383 --> 01:10:16,216
"Us"?
1766
01:10:18,591 --> 01:10:19,966
Did you just say "us"?
1767
01:10:20,716 --> 01:10:24,133
Yeah, Alan. I'm not gonna abandon you
after you had a major surgery.
1768
01:10:24,800 --> 01:10:25,633
Russell...
1769
01:10:26,008 --> 01:10:27,383
there is no "us".
1770
01:10:27,883 --> 01:10:29,925
This trip is over.
1771
01:10:30,883 --> 01:10:31,841
I'm goin' home.
1772
01:10:33,175 --> 01:10:34,050
Alone.
1773
01:10:35,008 --> 01:10:37,466
Wait, so you're just gonna leave
without me?
1774
01:10:37,758 --> 01:10:38,591
[scoffs]
1775
01:10:38,675 --> 01:10:39,508
We're brothers!
1776
01:10:39,758 --> 01:10:41,133
You're gonna make me say it, huh?
1777
01:10:41,216 --> 01:10:42,133
Don't hit me.
1778
01:10:42,216 --> 01:10:44,050
I never wanna see you again!
1779
01:10:44,425 --> 01:10:45,925
I don't wanna be in a car with you,
1780
01:10:46,216 --> 01:10:50,341
or any enclosed space,
with you or that supposed family,
1781
01:10:50,675 --> 01:10:51,758
for the rest of my...
1782
01:10:52,383 --> 01:10:53,841
now-shortened life.
1783
01:10:54,841 --> 01:10:57,841
Let's just go back to pretending
that neither of us even exist.
1784
01:10:59,758 --> 01:11:01,591
Is that clear enough for you, Russell?
1785
01:11:03,216 --> 01:11:04,091
[man] Alan.
1786
01:11:04,175 --> 01:11:05,133
-Finally.
-[screams]
1787
01:11:05,716 --> 01:11:06,550
[grunts]
1788
01:11:06,800 --> 01:11:08,758
I don't know him!
I'll use my warning whistle!
1789
01:11:08,841 --> 01:11:11,383
[whistling]
1790
01:11:12,675 --> 01:11:13,758
[tires skid]
1791
01:11:16,341 --> 01:11:17,716
[Alan panting]
1792
01:11:20,008 --> 01:11:21,675
[Alan grunting]
1793
01:11:22,508 --> 01:11:23,966
[continues panting]
1794
01:11:25,091 --> 01:11:25,925
Hey.
1795
01:11:26,091 --> 01:11:27,383
This is my house.
1796
01:11:27,758 --> 01:11:29,425
Who the hell would bring us here?
1797
01:11:30,133 --> 01:11:31,466
[man] I understand...
1798
01:11:32,008 --> 01:11:34,091
you're looking for me.
1799
01:11:36,175 --> 01:11:37,091
[gasps]
1800
01:11:37,758 --> 01:11:40,383
-What the hell are you doin'?
-I'm playing dead.
1801
01:11:40,466 --> 01:11:43,091
This way, he sees you're alive,
he'll kill you first,
1802
01:11:43,175 --> 01:11:45,133
buy me time to plot my escape.
1803
01:11:48,675 --> 01:11:50,133
[man] And now...
1804
01:11:50,800 --> 01:11:52,675
you will regret...
1805
01:11:53,133 --> 01:11:55,175
that you have...
1806
01:11:55,258 --> 01:11:57,216
found...
1807
01:11:58,050 --> 01:11:59,258
me.
1808
01:11:59,883 --> 01:12:00,883
Jaspar?
1809
01:12:00,966 --> 01:12:02,466
In the flesh.
1810
01:12:04,133 --> 01:12:04,966
Revive him.
1811
01:12:05,675 --> 01:12:07,341
-[electricity crackles]
-[screams]
1812
01:12:07,425 --> 01:12:10,675
[pants] Oh! That made my nipples dance.
1813
01:12:10,966 --> 01:12:12,466
[shudders] I thought I was a goner.
1814
01:12:12,550 --> 01:12:14,383
Thank you, kind sir, for saving my life.
1815
01:12:14,716 --> 01:12:17,508
-I'm forever indebted--
-Enough of the buffoonery!
1816
01:12:18,133 --> 01:12:20,091
Y-You know, despite the obvious...
1817
01:12:21,050 --> 01:12:22,550
we look exactly alike.
1818
01:12:22,800 --> 01:12:24,883
You and I? Hardly.
1819
01:12:25,716 --> 01:12:26,550
Us?
1820
01:12:27,216 --> 01:12:28,050
Negative.
1821
01:12:28,758 --> 01:12:30,133
You two, however...
1822
01:12:30,216 --> 01:12:31,716
[chuckles] It's uncanny.
1823
01:12:32,216 --> 01:12:33,341
Twinsies.
1824
01:12:33,675 --> 01:12:35,758
I find it ironic that I...
1825
01:12:36,216 --> 01:12:39,341
am the black sheep of the family.
1826
01:12:41,716 --> 01:12:43,216
-Laugh!
-[laughs]
1827
01:12:43,300 --> 01:12:44,800
[laughing]
1828
01:12:44,883 --> 01:12:46,216
I didn't... I didn't get it.
1829
01:12:46,341 --> 01:12:47,841
[whispers] Laugh, Russell. [laughs]
1830
01:12:48,091 --> 01:12:49,675
[laughing]
1831
01:12:50,341 --> 01:12:51,675
[Russell] Get it? [laughs]
1832
01:12:51,758 --> 01:12:54,050
'Cause he's really light-skinned
and yellow,
1833
01:12:54,383 --> 01:12:56,091
like jaundiced chicken or something.
1834
01:12:56,175 --> 01:12:57,508
[Russell laughs]
1835
01:12:57,966 --> 01:12:59,466
Oh. That's not funny.
1836
01:13:01,050 --> 01:13:02,800
You know, growing up, I...
1837
01:13:03,341 --> 01:13:04,716
I never quite fit in.
1838
01:13:05,091 --> 01:13:07,466
Oh, Lord. Here we go.
1839
01:13:07,550 --> 01:13:10,383
A black kid, light skin, red hair.
1840
01:13:11,050 --> 01:13:15,258
I was called all kind of terrible,
derogatory names.
1841
01:13:16,133 --> 01:13:17,550
"Strawberry Shortcake."
1842
01:13:18,050 --> 01:13:19,550
"The Butterscotch Kid."
1843
01:13:20,466 --> 01:13:22,050
"Little Orphan Annie."
1844
01:13:22,675 --> 01:13:23,758
I have to admit...
1845
01:13:24,133 --> 01:13:25,716
it was a hard-knock life.
1846
01:13:26,050 --> 01:13:27,258
[awkward laugh]
1847
01:13:27,508 --> 01:13:29,425
They called me "ninger."
1848
01:13:29,508 --> 01:13:31,466
You know what a "ninger" is?
1849
01:13:32,091 --> 01:13:34,883
It's an "n"-word and a ginger, mixed.
1850
01:13:34,966 --> 01:13:36,466
It's good, it's good.
1851
01:13:37,258 --> 01:13:42,091
You throw two derogatory terms together
and you make me a "ninger"?
1852
01:13:42,175 --> 01:13:43,633
[growls]
1853
01:13:44,591 --> 01:13:48,633
But despite the odds, I found my place...
1854
01:13:48,716 --> 01:13:49,925
[shuddering breaths]
1855
01:13:50,008 --> 01:13:51,091
in the world.
1856
01:13:51,175 --> 01:13:52,841
You see, gentlemen,
1857
01:13:52,925 --> 01:13:56,925
I collect sensitive information
for high net-worth individuals,
1858
01:13:57,300 --> 01:13:58,383
and the government,
1859
01:13:59,050 --> 01:14:01,716
and I've run the occasional
offshore black site,
1860
01:14:01,800 --> 01:14:04,216
but that was just really
for my entertainment.
1861
01:14:04,300 --> 01:14:05,800
[laughs]
1862
01:14:05,883 --> 01:14:07,383
[stammers] So, you're a spy?
1863
01:14:07,466 --> 01:14:09,675
Officially, I don't exist.
1864
01:14:10,050 --> 01:14:10,883
[exhales]
1865
01:14:10,966 --> 01:14:11,883
Cool!
1866
01:14:11,966 --> 01:14:13,633
Yet, your wife...
1867
01:14:13,716 --> 01:14:14,800
[chuckles]
1868
01:14:15,841 --> 01:14:19,883
called The Pentagon about me, seven times.
1869
01:14:19,966 --> 01:14:21,383
She's just persistent.
1870
01:14:21,675 --> 01:14:24,258
And that raises red flags, Alan.
1871
01:14:24,758 --> 01:14:26,591
I don't like red flags.
1872
01:14:26,675 --> 01:14:28,883
Gonna have to agree with Jaspar
on that one.
1873
01:14:28,966 --> 01:14:30,550
Red flags are not good.
1874
01:14:30,633 --> 01:14:32,300
Would you shut the fuck up?
1875
01:14:32,383 --> 01:14:34,008
You shut up. [inhales deeply]
1876
01:14:37,258 --> 01:14:40,341
Why are you...
1877
01:14:40,800 --> 01:14:42,216
trying...
1878
01:14:43,675 --> 01:14:45,591
[yelling] to find me?
1879
01:14:45,675 --> 01:14:48,758
I-I just wanted to meet my family,
so I tracked down our birth mother,
1880
01:14:48,841 --> 01:14:50,175
but she was dead.
1881
01:14:50,508 --> 01:14:52,175
-That's the truth!
-Lies!
1882
01:14:52,716 --> 01:14:54,591
He has a really juicy mouth, right?
1883
01:14:55,050 --> 01:14:58,425
-I gotta teach you the hard way.
-[stammers] What's that? What's that box?
1884
01:14:58,758 --> 01:15:01,633
-[Jaspar] Liar, liar...
-[stammers] I'm not lying! I swear.
1885
01:15:01,716 --> 01:15:05,175
-What's that? What's that?
-...pants on fire.
1886
01:15:05,925 --> 01:15:07,966
You gonna attach that to my balls?
Wait, wait, wait!
1887
01:15:08,050 --> 01:15:09,133
Okay, listen. I'm not lyin'.
1888
01:15:09,216 --> 01:15:10,091
I'm having a baby!
1889
01:15:10,175 --> 01:15:12,008
You won't have no baby no more.
1890
01:15:12,091 --> 01:15:13,258
And Russell, well,
1891
01:15:13,341 --> 01:15:15,883
-he got so much TV left to watch.
-I do.
1892
01:15:15,966 --> 01:15:18,133
I don't think he's seen anything
after 1984.
1893
01:15:21,008 --> 01:15:22,800
Television. Huh.
1894
01:15:24,383 --> 01:15:26,841
So, uh, what's your favorite show?
1895
01:15:27,216 --> 01:15:28,050
Ooh.
1896
01:15:28,258 --> 01:15:30,383
The Rockford Files.
1897
01:15:31,175 --> 01:15:33,091
Oh!
1898
01:15:33,591 --> 01:15:35,425
Rockford Files.
1899
01:15:35,508 --> 01:15:37,091
-Mm-hmm.
-[Jaspar] Here's a fun fact.
1900
01:15:37,508 --> 01:15:41,758
I am the largest collector
of Rockford memorabilia
1901
01:15:42,133 --> 01:15:44,216
this side of the Western Hemisphere!
1902
01:15:44,300 --> 01:15:45,383
Impressive.
1903
01:15:45,466 --> 01:15:46,425
[Jaspar] In fact...
1904
01:15:46,758 --> 01:15:49,383
I own the original picture car.
1905
01:15:49,466 --> 01:15:50,300
Braggart.
1906
01:15:50,383 --> 01:15:53,508
Y-You know, Russell owns
the only existing copy
1907
01:15:53,591 --> 01:15:55,300
of the operating manual for that car.
1908
01:15:55,633 --> 01:15:56,591
Don't you, Russell?
1909
01:15:57,800 --> 01:15:58,633
Does he?
1910
01:15:58,716 --> 01:16:01,383
Some stupid rich guy
keeps trying to get it from me,
1911
01:16:01,466 --> 01:16:02,883
and I tell him, "No, idiot."
1912
01:16:03,966 --> 01:16:05,508
You're the one.
1913
01:16:05,591 --> 01:16:07,383
-Oh, it's you.
-Uh-oh.
1914
01:16:07,466 --> 01:16:09,300
I've been lookin' for that.
1915
01:16:09,383 --> 01:16:12,050
-I'm gonna fry your fat balls!
-I-I-I... Wait. Hold on.
1916
01:16:12,133 --> 01:16:16,050
Listen, I can vocalize the theme song
to Rockford Files with near perfect pitch.
1917
01:16:16,133 --> 01:16:16,966
Who cares?
1918
01:16:17,050 --> 01:16:19,258
[vocalizing]
1919
01:16:25,091 --> 01:16:26,300
Take it away, Alan!
1920
01:16:26,716 --> 01:16:29,675
[Alan and Russell vocalizing]
1921
01:16:30,091 --> 01:16:33,050
Oh. [imitates drums]
1922
01:16:33,216 --> 01:16:35,383
["Rockford Files"
instrumental theme plays]
1923
01:16:35,925 --> 01:16:36,758
Take it away, Jack!
1924
01:16:36,841 --> 01:16:38,966
[imitates harmonica]
1925
01:16:40,300 --> 01:16:42,508
[Russell imitates harmonica]
1926
01:16:42,591 --> 01:16:44,925
[vocalizing]
1927
01:16:50,508 --> 01:16:53,050
[Alan imitates guitar]
1928
01:16:53,925 --> 01:16:55,633
[scatting]
1929
01:16:55,716 --> 01:16:57,966
[Alan imitates synthesizer]
1930
01:16:58,675 --> 01:16:59,675
[laughs]
1931
01:17:00,466 --> 01:17:01,300
Ow!
1932
01:17:03,633 --> 01:17:05,633
Let 'em go! Untie 'em!
1933
01:17:05,716 --> 01:17:07,216
-Thank you.
-[Jaspar scatting]
1934
01:17:08,383 --> 01:17:09,258
[Jaspar chuckles]
1935
01:17:09,716 --> 01:17:11,716
And to think, I was gonna kill ya.
1936
01:17:12,300 --> 01:17:15,716
But you still haven't told me the truth!
1937
01:17:15,800 --> 01:17:16,966
-[screams]
-Wh-whoa!
1938
01:17:17,050 --> 01:17:18,591
What are you doin'? This is crazy!
1939
01:17:18,675 --> 01:17:21,508
"Crazy" is being raised
1940
01:17:21,591 --> 01:17:23,175
in a State home
1941
01:17:23,258 --> 01:17:27,758
by government psychiatrists
that lie about who you are!
1942
01:17:28,091 --> 01:17:29,050
Okay, that's crazy.
1943
01:17:29,133 --> 01:17:32,716
Never feeling the embrace
of your mother.
1944
01:17:34,008 --> 01:17:36,675
Not one frickin' hug, Alan.
1945
01:17:36,841 --> 01:17:38,091
[sobs] Not one.
1946
01:17:38,925 --> 01:17:42,008
Well, as the only one here who has
received the embrace of his mother,
1947
01:17:42,425 --> 01:17:44,091
I'll tell you, hugs are overrated
1948
01:17:44,466 --> 01:17:46,675
and a breeding ground for diseases.
1949
01:17:47,133 --> 01:17:48,966
[whispering] Shut the hell up!
1950
01:17:49,216 --> 01:17:50,675
Besides, Mama smells weird.
1951
01:17:51,133 --> 01:17:53,591
Like moth balls and used floss string.
1952
01:17:53,675 --> 01:17:55,716
Now it's time...
1953
01:17:56,383 --> 01:17:57,966
to say your goodbyes.
1954
01:17:58,050 --> 01:17:58,966
Jaspar, please.
1955
01:17:59,050 --> 01:17:59,925
Bye, Alan.
1956
01:18:00,008 --> 01:18:01,758
-[cocks gun]
-Please, please, please.
1957
01:18:01,841 --> 01:18:03,341
-[gasps]
-[door closes]
1958
01:18:03,425 --> 01:18:07,216
What in the highest heavens is goin' on?
1959
01:18:07,800 --> 01:18:09,300
Russell, I know this ain't no party,
1960
01:18:09,383 --> 01:18:11,091
'cause you ain't got no damn friends.
1961
01:18:11,175 --> 01:18:12,216
Aw, Mother.
1962
01:18:12,758 --> 01:18:13,841
What're you doing home?
1963
01:18:13,925 --> 01:18:14,925
Mother?
1964
01:18:15,008 --> 01:18:17,216
Yeah, there was an E. coli outbreak
on the cruise ship,
1965
01:18:17,300 --> 01:18:18,841
so they let us off in Ensenada.
1966
01:18:19,341 --> 01:18:22,425
Now, somebody need to start talkin'
before I get my belt.
1967
01:18:22,883 --> 01:18:24,550
Or worse, my shotgun.
1968
01:18:25,508 --> 01:18:27,091
I-I thought you was dead.
1969
01:18:27,175 --> 01:18:28,550
That's news to me.
1970
01:18:31,383 --> 01:18:32,300
I'm Alan.
1971
01:18:34,008 --> 01:18:34,925
I'm your son.
1972
01:18:35,425 --> 01:18:37,050
My Lord. Alan?
1973
01:18:38,341 --> 01:18:40,341
Oh, my God. My baby?
1974
01:18:41,133 --> 01:18:43,216
Look at you. You all growed up.
1975
01:18:44,133 --> 01:18:46,133
So tall and handsome.
1976
01:18:46,758 --> 01:18:48,883
You look just like your brother.
[sniffles]
1977
01:18:49,633 --> 01:18:51,341
I told you. Twinsies.
1978
01:18:51,425 --> 01:18:53,008
Same hairline and everything.
1979
01:18:53,466 --> 01:18:55,258
Oh, it's uncanny!
1980
01:18:55,841 --> 01:18:58,508
Oh, so good to see you. Come here.
1981
01:18:59,091 --> 01:19:00,841
-Oh!
-[Alan gasping]
1982
01:19:00,925 --> 01:19:03,758
-Feels so good to have you in my arms!
-[muffled] Mom...
1983
01:19:03,841 --> 01:19:05,508
-It's been so long.
-[Alan gasping]
1984
01:19:05,591 --> 01:19:08,883
Hey, Alan, you smell it? You smell
the moth balls and the dentures?
1985
01:19:09,008 --> 01:19:11,300
Just breathe them bosom scents. Yes!
1986
01:19:11,383 --> 01:19:13,383
-[Alan grunting]
-Okay, okay, that's enough, Mother.
1987
01:19:14,175 --> 01:19:15,591
[strained gasping]
1988
01:19:15,883 --> 01:19:16,716
[coughs]
1989
01:19:16,800 --> 01:19:18,425
I just got carried away.
1990
01:19:18,508 --> 01:19:20,425
-[Jaspar wailing]
-[Alan sniffs]
1991
01:19:20,883 --> 01:19:22,258
Who stepped on a cat?
1992
01:19:22,341 --> 01:19:24,675
[wailing]
1993
01:19:24,758 --> 01:19:25,675
Oh, Jaspar.
1994
01:19:26,091 --> 01:19:27,925
[shuddering breaths]
1995
01:19:28,258 --> 01:19:30,425
Oh, my Lord. Jaspar?
1996
01:19:30,508 --> 01:19:32,216
[crying] Yes, Mother.
1997
01:19:32,675 --> 01:19:35,216
I'd recognize that face anywhere.
1998
01:19:35,883 --> 01:19:37,133
You do? Oh, Mother!
1999
01:19:37,466 --> 01:19:40,050
Oh, you got all the Irish in you, boy.
2000
01:19:40,425 --> 01:19:41,425
One thirty-fourth.
2001
01:19:41,841 --> 01:19:45,175
Look at you with all them
beautiful pink undertones,
2002
01:19:45,258 --> 01:19:47,716
with your honey-almond complexion.
2003
01:19:48,341 --> 01:19:51,008
Look at my lilttle redbone. Mm-mm.
2004
01:19:51,091 --> 01:19:52,800
[yells] Now, put that goddamn gun down,
2005
01:19:52,883 --> 01:19:55,758
-'fore I spank the pink out yo ass!
-I'm sorry, Mother. I'm so sorry.
2006
01:19:55,841 --> 01:19:57,466
Who the hell you think you are?
2007
01:19:57,716 --> 01:19:59,008
I've been a bad boy.
2008
01:19:59,091 --> 01:19:59,966
Yes, you have.
2009
01:20:00,050 --> 01:20:01,341
I think I need a whooping.
2010
01:20:01,425 --> 01:20:04,966
You could just spank me
all over my little red tushie.
2011
01:20:05,050 --> 01:20:06,466
[Jaspar whines]
2012
01:20:06,716 --> 01:20:08,050
-Oh, baby.
-Oh, Mother.
2013
01:20:08,133 --> 01:20:09,591
It's not your fault, honey.
2014
01:20:09,925 --> 01:20:11,133
It's not your fault.
2015
01:20:11,216 --> 01:20:13,800
Oh, Mother. Your big man hands.
2016
01:20:13,883 --> 01:20:16,175
Mama should've know
something like this was gonna happen.
2017
01:20:16,883 --> 01:20:19,716
[shuddering breaths]
You all were just babies when I...
2018
01:20:20,091 --> 01:20:22,675
[crying] dropped you off
like an old bag of dirty clothes.
2019
01:20:23,883 --> 01:20:24,800
I was young.
2020
01:20:25,175 --> 01:20:28,091
A single mom with six babies. No husband.
2021
01:20:28,175 --> 01:20:29,675
[inhales deeply] No family.
2022
01:20:30,300 --> 01:20:31,341
I had no one.
2023
01:20:31,425 --> 01:20:32,841
It's such a stereotype.
2024
01:20:33,300 --> 01:20:34,133
It's okay.
2025
01:20:34,216 --> 01:20:37,258
[inhales deeply]
'Cause now all y'all have each other.
2026
01:20:37,591 --> 01:20:38,675
Thanks to you, Alan.
2027
01:20:40,216 --> 01:20:42,300
So, why would you tell me she was dead?
2028
01:20:42,383 --> 01:20:43,633
All right, Alan, listen.
2029
01:20:44,133 --> 01:20:46,508
When you said you were my brother,
I panicked.
2030
01:20:46,591 --> 01:20:48,716
I thought you was trying
to take Mother from me.
2031
01:20:48,800 --> 01:20:49,925
Oh, baby.
2032
01:20:50,008 --> 01:20:51,841
So, why would you come along?
2033
01:20:51,925 --> 01:20:53,925
When I found out
there was more of you...
2034
01:20:54,008 --> 01:20:55,008
Well, "us"...
2035
01:20:55,300 --> 01:20:56,591
I had to see for myself.
2036
01:20:57,050 --> 01:20:57,883
And, well...
2037
01:20:58,175 --> 01:20:59,758
since we hit the road together,
2038
01:21:00,008 --> 01:21:02,258
I've done things
I've only seen on television.
2039
01:21:03,133 --> 01:21:03,966
[sighs]
2040
01:21:04,425 --> 01:21:05,258
Alan...
2041
01:21:05,883 --> 01:21:07,341
these past few days...
2042
01:21:07,841 --> 01:21:09,508
were the greatest of my life.
2043
01:21:10,216 --> 01:21:13,216
[inhales deeply] And I know
I'm not the family that you wanted...
2044
01:21:14,008 --> 01:21:15,591
But you're the family I got.
2045
01:21:16,216 --> 01:21:17,050
Wow.
2046
01:21:17,633 --> 01:21:20,216
This remind me
of all those classic sitcom finales.
2047
01:21:20,300 --> 01:21:23,133
[inhales deeply]
Make you feel all warm and tingly inside.
2048
01:21:23,591 --> 01:21:24,591
[laughs]
2049
01:21:26,633 --> 01:21:27,466
Bros?
2050
01:21:28,841 --> 01:21:29,675
Bros.
2051
01:21:31,633 --> 01:21:32,716
[Lynette] Look at my baby.
2052
01:21:32,800 --> 01:21:36,008
I'm so glad y'all made up, 'cause I was
about to make y'all kiss on the mouth.
2053
01:21:36,550 --> 01:21:38,633
-That's how we do.
-I want a kiss on the mouth.
2054
01:21:38,716 --> 01:21:40,883
Well, Mom, I guess if I'm gonna have
a first kiss,
2055
01:21:40,966 --> 01:21:42,591
-why not it be Alan?
-No!
2056
01:21:42,675 --> 01:21:45,175
I always thought it was gonna be
with Tootie from Facts of Life.
2057
01:21:45,258 --> 01:21:47,383
-[cell phone vibrates]
-I never thought my first kiss
2058
01:21:47,466 --> 01:21:49,508
-would be with my brother. Ready?
-Excuse me.
2059
01:21:49,633 --> 01:21:51,133
Marie. You're not gonna believe this,
2060
01:21:51,216 --> 01:21:53,508
but I was on my way home,
and I got kidnapped. Crazy, ri--
2061
01:21:53,591 --> 01:21:55,175
-[Marie] My water broke.
-Your what?
2062
01:21:55,466 --> 01:21:56,841
My water broke!
2063
01:21:56,925 --> 01:21:58,800
[stammers] You gotta get to the hospital.
2064
01:21:58,883 --> 01:22:02,591
I got you a long t-shirt that says,
"Mom Hair, Don't Care."
2065
01:22:02,675 --> 01:22:04,716
All I need is some weed
'cause I'm a little stressed.
2066
01:22:04,800 --> 01:22:07,800
Alan, get back here! Do you hear me?
2067
01:22:07,883 --> 01:22:09,133
I'm havin' the baby!
2068
01:22:09,216 --> 01:22:10,466
[yells] Get back here!
2069
01:22:10,550 --> 01:22:11,925
-[line disconnects]
-O-Okay.
2070
01:22:14,341 --> 01:22:15,216
It's Marie.
2071
01:22:15,508 --> 01:22:16,550
She's in labor.
2072
01:22:16,883 --> 01:22:17,925
The baby's comin'!
2073
01:22:18,008 --> 01:22:18,883
-Oh, wow!
-Yippee!
2074
01:22:18,966 --> 01:22:20,800
Lord, God is good. I'm gonna be a grandma!
2075
01:22:20,883 --> 01:22:22,925
I'm gonna be an uncle! Uncle Russell.
2076
01:22:23,341 --> 01:22:24,258
Terrible name.
2077
01:22:24,550 --> 01:22:25,716
Hey, Alan.
2078
01:22:26,091 --> 01:22:27,008
Take my car.
2079
01:22:28,925 --> 01:22:29,758
Thanks...
2080
01:22:30,175 --> 01:22:31,008
bro.
2081
01:22:31,091 --> 01:22:33,425
I'll stay with Mother. Maybe get that hug.
2082
01:22:33,883 --> 01:22:35,925
Oh, that's so sweet of you, baby.
2083
01:22:36,008 --> 01:22:38,050
If you scratch it, I'll kill ya.
2084
01:22:39,425 --> 01:22:41,508
[laughs] I was just joshin'.
2085
01:22:41,591 --> 01:22:42,800
[laughs]
2086
01:22:42,883 --> 01:22:43,758
No, I'm not.
2087
01:22:44,216 --> 01:22:46,008
Come on, Alan. Let's ride!
2088
01:22:46,091 --> 01:22:47,341
Come on, Russell. Come on!
2089
01:22:47,425 --> 01:22:48,258
-Bye, Mom!
-Bye, Mom!
2090
01:22:48,341 --> 01:22:51,216
And make sure you change your underwear.
You know you got that high-wipe!
2091
01:22:55,716 --> 01:22:57,300
Oh, shit!
2092
01:22:57,383 --> 01:23:02,633
A gold 1976 Pontiac Firebird Esprit!
2093
01:23:02,716 --> 01:23:04,550
The same one driven in...
2094
01:23:04,633 --> 01:23:06,591
[both] The Rockford Files!
2095
01:23:09,008 --> 01:23:11,008
-Come on, Russell. Let's go.
-No, Alan.
2096
01:23:13,425 --> 01:23:14,758
I'll drive.
2097
01:23:16,050 --> 01:23:17,383
[keys jangling]
2098
01:23:18,591 --> 01:23:20,133
[scatting]
2099
01:23:21,091 --> 01:23:21,925
Hood slide!
2100
01:23:22,008 --> 01:23:23,633
[grunting]
2101
01:23:23,716 --> 01:23:24,675
Russell!
2102
01:23:25,341 --> 01:23:26,175
I'm okay.
2103
01:23:26,258 --> 01:23:27,300
What are you doing?
2104
01:23:27,675 --> 01:23:29,175
I always wanted to do that.
2105
01:23:29,550 --> 01:23:30,925
You're on the wrong side.
2106
01:23:31,008 --> 01:23:31,841
Oh.
2107
01:23:37,216 --> 01:23:38,050
Buckle up.
2108
01:23:39,008 --> 01:23:40,925
'Cause we're about to take off!
2109
01:23:41,008 --> 01:23:42,425
[engine turns over]
2110
01:23:42,508 --> 01:23:44,508
[tires squeal]
2111
01:23:47,883 --> 01:23:49,091
Sorry, Miss Gallagher!
2112
01:23:52,008 --> 01:23:52,883
[accelerates]
2113
01:23:52,966 --> 01:23:54,758
Keep it between the lines, Russell!
2114
01:23:54,966 --> 01:23:57,758
Yeah, well, there's only so much
you could learn from a manual, Alan.
2115
01:24:11,883 --> 01:24:13,300
[tires squeal]
2116
01:24:16,508 --> 01:24:18,133
[tires skid]
2117
01:24:18,216 --> 01:24:19,550
Go around. Go around 'em!
2118
01:24:19,633 --> 01:24:20,716
[tires squeal]
2119
01:24:23,425 --> 01:24:25,550
-[siren wails]
-Uh-oh! Here comes the fuzz.
2120
01:24:25,633 --> 01:24:27,050
Russell, go! Go, go, go!
2121
01:24:27,133 --> 01:24:28,383
[siren wailing]
2122
01:24:28,466 --> 01:24:29,383
[tires skid]
2123
01:24:29,466 --> 01:24:30,841
[accelerating]
2124
01:24:30,925 --> 01:24:32,633
["Two Dragons" plays]
2125
01:24:32,716 --> 01:24:35,133
Don't worry, Alan.
They'll never take us alive!
2126
01:24:35,216 --> 01:24:36,258
That's the idea! Let's go!
2127
01:24:36,341 --> 01:24:39,800
Well, they won't take you alive,
but I'm gonna surrender. Sorry.
2128
01:24:41,633 --> 01:24:42,466
[tires squeal]
2129
01:24:43,175 --> 01:24:44,883
[siren wailing]
2130
01:24:44,966 --> 01:24:46,383
[accelerates]
2131
01:24:46,841 --> 01:24:48,550
[tires skidding]
2132
01:24:49,050 --> 01:24:50,216
[tires squeal]
2133
01:24:50,300 --> 01:24:51,383
Hold on, Alan!
2134
01:24:52,258 --> 01:24:54,091
-Aah!
-[tires skidding]
2135
01:24:54,175 --> 01:24:55,466
[accelerates]
2136
01:24:55,550 --> 01:24:56,675
Watch out, coming through!
2137
01:24:56,758 --> 01:24:57,883
-[tires skid]
-Watch the car!
2138
01:24:59,758 --> 01:25:00,675
-[Alan] Oh!
-Move!
2139
01:25:00,758 --> 01:25:01,716
[tires skid]
2140
01:25:01,800 --> 01:25:04,258
Alan, all these cars
are going the wrong way!
2141
01:25:04,341 --> 01:25:05,633
No, you're goin' the wrong way!
2142
01:25:06,175 --> 01:25:07,383
-[tires skid]
-[screams]
2143
01:25:07,675 --> 01:25:08,508
My bad!
2144
01:25:08,591 --> 01:25:09,758
[tires squeal]
2145
01:25:10,675 --> 01:25:13,300
This is like Dukes of Hazzard
without the racist car.
2146
01:25:16,383 --> 01:25:18,216
[tires squeal]
2147
01:25:21,800 --> 01:25:23,925
-All right, Alan. Hospital's coming up!
-Okay.
2148
01:25:26,383 --> 01:25:29,133
I'm gonna slow down a little,
and I need you to tuck and roll.
2149
01:25:29,216 --> 01:25:31,425
What? You want me
to jump out of a moving car?
2150
01:25:31,508 --> 01:25:33,633
It worked for Jim Rockford every time!
2151
01:25:33,716 --> 01:25:34,716
I ain't Rockford!
2152
01:25:34,800 --> 01:25:36,466
[tires skid]
2153
01:25:36,550 --> 01:25:37,716
[accelerating]
2154
01:25:37,800 --> 01:25:39,258
Now, do it! Go!
2155
01:25:40,591 --> 01:25:42,425
-[Alan screams]
-Whoo!
2156
01:25:42,675 --> 01:25:43,508
[grunts]
2157
01:25:43,591 --> 01:25:44,425
Oh!
2158
01:25:44,508 --> 01:25:45,925
It worked. [groans]
2159
01:25:46,133 --> 01:25:47,216
[tires skid]
2160
01:25:47,508 --> 01:25:48,591
[tires squeal]
2161
01:25:51,133 --> 01:25:52,758
Not today, fuzz.
2162
01:25:53,341 --> 01:25:55,383
[accelerating]
2163
01:25:55,800 --> 01:25:56,633
[gasps]
2164
01:25:56,716 --> 01:25:57,800
[tires skidding]
2165
01:25:57,883 --> 01:25:59,175
Aah!
2166
01:26:00,841 --> 01:26:01,966
[tires squeal]
2167
01:26:02,050 --> 01:26:04,425
That was a J-turn! I did a J-turn!
2168
01:26:04,508 --> 01:26:05,508
Go!
2169
01:26:07,383 --> 01:26:08,633
[siren wailing]
2170
01:26:09,550 --> 01:26:10,966
[tires skid]
2171
01:26:11,050 --> 01:26:12,800
Eat my dust, copper!
2172
01:26:13,300 --> 01:26:14,466
[tires squeal]
2173
01:26:15,508 --> 01:26:17,675
[siren wails]
2174
01:26:18,550 --> 01:26:19,966
[tires squeal]
2175
01:26:20,050 --> 01:26:22,383
[panting] I'm looking for my wife,
Marie Daniels?
2176
01:26:22,466 --> 01:26:23,591
-Right in there.
-Thank you.
2177
01:26:23,675 --> 01:26:24,508
Mm-hmm.
2178
01:26:24,966 --> 01:26:26,383
[Ethan] Doc, you got the good angle.
2179
01:26:26,466 --> 01:26:28,091
Alan! Glad you could join us.
2180
01:26:28,175 --> 01:26:29,133
Alan!
2181
01:26:29,216 --> 01:26:31,425
-Baby's a little early, but it looks good.
-Oh!
2182
01:26:31,508 --> 01:26:33,091
Your brother's been a big help.
2183
01:26:34,050 --> 01:26:34,883
Ethan?
2184
01:26:34,966 --> 01:26:36,758
-What's up, bro?
-You're doing great, Marie.
2185
01:26:36,841 --> 01:26:37,675
Keep breathing.
2186
01:26:37,758 --> 01:26:39,716
Wow! The resemblance is...
2187
01:26:40,841 --> 01:26:42,550
[both] uncanny.
2188
01:26:42,966 --> 01:26:44,758
Man, we look just alike!
2189
01:26:45,133 --> 01:26:47,008
I mean, if somebody just...
[inhales sharply]
2190
01:26:47,091 --> 01:26:48,633
sucked all the cool out of me,
2191
01:26:48,716 --> 01:26:50,341
and I was a law-abiding citizen,
2192
01:26:50,633 --> 01:26:52,008
and I didn't kick puppies,
2193
01:26:52,258 --> 01:26:54,466
-or try to drown goldfish.
-[Marie] Hey!
2194
01:26:54,841 --> 01:26:57,925
-I'm having a baby here. If you could...
-Oh, hey. Hey, honey.
2195
01:26:58,008 --> 01:26:59,258
-Baby.
-[PA beeps] Code Red.
2196
01:26:59,341 --> 01:27:00,675
-Code Red.
-Hi, baby.
2197
01:27:00,758 --> 01:27:03,175
Labor and Delivery is locked down
under police order.
2198
01:27:03,258 --> 01:27:06,591
Okay. Not to make it weird,
but I'mma need you to speed things up.
2199
01:27:07,050 --> 01:27:09,550
I may be spendin' the first year
of the baby's life in prison.
2200
01:27:09,633 --> 01:27:10,550
-What?
-No biggie.
2201
01:27:10,633 --> 01:27:12,091
-No biggie. It's okay, baby.
-[groans]
2202
01:27:13,425 --> 01:27:15,466
Damn. It's the po-po.
2203
01:27:15,550 --> 01:27:16,466
Fo sho-sho.
2204
01:27:17,425 --> 01:27:18,966
Why is the po-po after you?
2205
01:27:19,050 --> 01:27:22,050
Uh, speeding, reckless driving,
possible vehicular assault.
2206
01:27:22,633 --> 01:27:23,883
We was in a high-speed chase.
2207
01:27:23,966 --> 01:27:26,425
Oh! [laughs] Respects, my G.
2208
01:27:26,508 --> 01:27:28,341
-What?
-It's okay, we got away.
2209
01:27:28,425 --> 01:27:29,300
Well, almost.
2210
01:27:29,383 --> 01:27:31,050
-[door rattles]
-[Marie groans]
2211
01:27:31,133 --> 01:27:32,466
You know what? Look here.
2212
01:27:33,008 --> 01:27:35,925
You gotta be here for Marie and that baby.
2213
01:27:37,425 --> 01:27:38,591
I'mma need your pants.
2214
01:27:39,091 --> 01:27:40,133
My pants?
2215
01:27:40,966 --> 01:27:42,925
[woman] You are doing so good.
You're doing great.
2216
01:27:43,008 --> 01:27:43,841
Hey, Ethan.
2217
01:27:44,258 --> 01:27:46,758
Thank you so much, man.
I really appreciate this.
2218
01:27:46,841 --> 01:27:49,216
Hey, man. Ain't no thang
but a chicken wang.
2219
01:27:49,425 --> 01:27:50,425
We family, right?
2220
01:27:50,800 --> 01:27:52,841
Hey, about that partnership at work?
2221
01:27:53,341 --> 01:27:54,258
You welcome.
2222
01:27:54,341 --> 01:27:55,508
[snickers]
2223
01:27:55,591 --> 01:27:57,050
[sucks teeth] You feel me?
2224
01:27:58,841 --> 01:28:00,841
Oh! Gross.
2225
01:28:01,133 --> 01:28:03,008
-Hey, hey.
-[shuddering breaths]
2226
01:28:03,091 --> 01:28:05,300
-[Marie] Hi, baby.
-Hey, Ponch! John!
2227
01:28:05,591 --> 01:28:07,341
Come get your boy. Come on.
2228
01:28:07,425 --> 01:28:09,466
-[grunts]
-[both] Oh!
2229
01:28:09,550 --> 01:28:10,591
[yells]
2230
01:28:10,675 --> 01:28:12,591
Okay. Oh, hey, hey. Hey, okay, okay.
2231
01:28:12,675 --> 01:28:14,925
-[deep breaths]
-Okay, I'm here. Listen, listen.
2232
01:28:15,008 --> 01:28:16,550
I just want to say I'm so sorry.
2233
01:28:16,633 --> 01:28:18,550
Okay, I got so caught up
meetin' my new family,
2234
01:28:18,633 --> 01:28:21,550
I forgot to appreciate
the one I have right here at home.
2235
01:28:21,716 --> 01:28:23,883
I will never do it again, I promise.
2236
01:28:23,966 --> 01:28:25,966
I'm pretty sure when the drugs wear off,
2237
01:28:26,175 --> 01:28:29,550
I'm gonna be so mad at you,
and I'mma wanna bang you in the face.
2238
01:28:29,633 --> 01:28:31,633
[crying] But I'm just so happy
to have you here.
2239
01:28:31,716 --> 01:28:33,091
Always. Always.
2240
01:28:33,508 --> 01:28:35,175
All right, Marie. I can see the head.
2241
01:28:35,258 --> 01:28:36,466
Just give me one more push.
2242
01:28:36,550 --> 01:28:38,258
-Okay. Okay.
-Ready? Come on, we'll breathe.
2243
01:28:38,341 --> 01:28:39,591
One, two, three.
2244
01:28:39,675 --> 01:28:40,800
[deep breaths]
2245
01:28:40,883 --> 01:28:41,716
-Push!
-Come on.
2246
01:28:41,800 --> 01:28:44,216
[yells]
2247
01:28:45,383 --> 01:28:47,133
[hip hop plays]
2248
01:28:49,841 --> 01:28:51,216
[people chattering]
2249
01:28:56,716 --> 01:28:59,466
[Russell] I watch a lot
of Murder, She Wrote on this new iPad.
2250
01:28:59,550 --> 01:29:01,883
-Hey, Douglas.
-It's like having a TV in your pocket.
2251
01:29:01,966 --> 01:29:03,133
Babies, be careful!
2252
01:29:03,216 --> 01:29:06,008
Now, you know there's avocado
in that nine-month layer dip.
2253
01:29:06,091 --> 01:29:08,383
-I knew it. I knew it.
-[spitting]
2254
01:29:08,800 --> 01:29:10,216
-[retches]
-That is just nasty.
2255
01:29:10,300 --> 01:29:11,133
What the hell?
2256
01:29:11,216 --> 01:29:12,050
Gross.
2257
01:29:12,133 --> 01:29:14,675
And why the hell
is there nine layers in a dip?
2258
01:29:14,758 --> 01:29:17,258
Everybody know
dip only supposed to have seven layers.
2259
01:29:17,341 --> 01:29:18,175
[Dawn] True.
2260
01:29:18,258 --> 01:29:20,716
-After that, you just repeating.
-Worse than being waterboarded.
2261
01:29:20,800 --> 01:29:21,925
That's white people dip.
2262
01:29:22,008 --> 01:29:25,050
Now, Ethan, hush your mouth.
You know these negroes are bougie.
2263
01:29:25,133 --> 01:29:27,300
And Russell, you be careful.
It makes you colic-y.
2264
01:29:27,383 --> 01:29:28,508
-[Dawn] Eww.
-Okay, Mom.
2265
01:29:28,591 --> 01:29:30,050
[Dawn] Why you wearing corduroy?
2266
01:29:30,133 --> 01:29:32,508
-You make my balls stink.
-[Russell] Stop, Dawn.
2267
01:29:32,841 --> 01:29:35,550
-I want to play Candy Land.
-Welcome to Wakanda!
2268
01:29:35,633 --> 01:29:36,841
[laughs]
2269
01:29:37,258 --> 01:29:40,883
[stammers] Uh, baby, I think
I should do somethin' about the dip.
2270
01:29:41,300 --> 01:29:42,966
Who doesn't like avocado?
2271
01:29:43,050 --> 01:29:44,383
Oh, that's a family trait.
2272
01:29:44,675 --> 01:29:46,300
[chuckles] That's right, baby.
2273
01:29:46,591 --> 01:29:47,591
I'll help you, Mom.
2274
01:29:47,675 --> 01:29:48,925
-Want to take her?
-Yeah.
2275
01:29:49,341 --> 01:29:50,883
-She's all yours.
-I got her.
2276
01:29:50,966 --> 01:29:52,925
[Ethan] Hey, where the Domino's at?
2277
01:29:53,008 --> 01:29:55,133
What kind of black barbecue
ain't got no damn Domino's?
2278
01:29:55,216 --> 01:29:58,091
Looks like I brought a little bit more
to the table than you thought, huh?
2279
01:29:58,175 --> 01:30:00,341
Well, a couple of 'em
look like they should be in jail.
2280
01:30:00,425 --> 01:30:01,466
-Hey, man!
-Candy Land!
2281
01:30:01,550 --> 01:30:02,508
Yes, let's do this!
2282
01:30:02,591 --> 01:30:03,716
[all speaking indistinctly]
2283
01:30:03,800 --> 01:30:05,091
[Alan chuckles]
2284
01:30:05,466 --> 01:30:08,383
Should be? A couple of them have been.
2285
01:30:09,133 --> 01:30:11,383
But you know what? That's my family.
2286
01:30:12,175 --> 01:30:15,883
And I'm gonna teach this little girl
to love her family unconditionally.
2287
01:30:15,966 --> 01:30:17,050
[baby coos]
2288
01:30:19,466 --> 01:30:22,591
Bro, I just want to thank you
from the bottom of my heart
2289
01:30:22,675 --> 01:30:24,341
for what you did for this family.
2290
01:30:24,425 --> 01:30:26,675
-You gonna be an amazing daddy.
-Thank you.
2291
01:30:26,758 --> 01:30:28,425
Even though our father wasn't shit.
2292
01:30:28,800 --> 01:30:30,966
Aw, thanks, Dawn.
That was almost emotional.
2293
01:30:31,425 --> 01:30:34,175
Now, as for you, Uncle Ben.
2294
01:30:34,258 --> 01:30:37,300
Let me tell you somethin'.
I don't care what kind of judge you are,
2295
01:30:37,383 --> 01:30:39,633
Judge Judy, Judge Reinhold,
2296
01:30:39,716 --> 01:30:40,925
Ashley Judge,
2297
01:30:41,008 --> 01:30:42,883
it don't make no difference to me.
2298
01:30:42,966 --> 01:30:45,675
Don't be throwin' shade
at my brother, okay?
2299
01:30:45,758 --> 01:30:47,925
'Cause I don't mind goin' to jail.
2300
01:30:48,008 --> 01:30:50,966
-I like jail.
-Uh, easy there, easy now.
2301
01:30:53,133 --> 01:30:54,300
For life, bro.
2302
01:30:55,925 --> 01:30:56,925
For life.
2303
01:30:57,591 --> 01:30:59,133
-For life, sis.
-That's how we do.
2304
01:30:59,508 --> 01:31:01,466
-Look at me. I'm watchin' you.
-[grunts]
2305
01:31:03,800 --> 01:31:05,966
I-I think she just threatened me, Alan.
2306
01:31:06,050 --> 01:31:07,925
Oh, that sounded more like a promise.
2307
01:31:08,175 --> 01:31:10,550
[chuckles]
You want me to tell her back off?
2308
01:31:10,633 --> 01:31:12,716
Well, if you would be so kind. I mean...
2309
01:31:12,800 --> 01:31:14,133
Are you askin' me for a favor?
2310
01:31:14,216 --> 01:31:17,216
-Uh... what?
-You know, 'cause it sounded like a favor.
2311
01:31:17,300 --> 01:31:20,008
Oh, no. Just... just a gesture,
a kind gesture on your part.
2312
01:31:20,091 --> 01:31:22,425
Well, if you're askin' me for a favor,
I'd like to hear it.
2313
01:31:22,508 --> 01:31:23,550
[stammering]
2314
01:31:23,633 --> 01:31:24,466
Dawn!
2315
01:31:24,550 --> 01:31:26,841
As a favor to me,
would you ask her to back off, Alan?
2316
01:31:26,925 --> 01:31:28,591
[chuckles]
2317
01:31:28,675 --> 01:31:29,633
I got you.
2318
01:31:29,716 --> 01:31:31,341
Hey, Alan! Quick, come here!
2319
01:31:31,425 --> 01:31:33,508
Baby Pete wants to say "hi" to his niece.
2320
01:31:33,800 --> 01:31:35,425
And you could say "hi" to your kidney.
2321
01:31:35,508 --> 01:31:37,633
Come on, bring that little nappyhead baby
on over here!
2322
01:31:37,716 --> 01:31:38,758
Oh, leave that baby alone.
2323
01:31:38,841 --> 01:31:42,216
-All right, I'm comin', I'm comin'!
-Wait, wait, let me... Let me hold her.
2324
01:31:42,758 --> 01:31:44,633
-Give my regards to Peter.
-Hi, Pee-pee!
2325
01:31:44,716 --> 01:31:45,675
Hey, Pee-pee.
2326
01:31:46,133 --> 01:31:49,008
Aw, man, she got my face.
2327
01:31:49,091 --> 01:31:50,216
Yeah, and your height.
2328
01:31:50,300 --> 01:31:52,216
[all laugh]
2329
01:31:52,300 --> 01:31:53,591
Salud!
2330
01:31:54,425 --> 01:31:55,258
[slurping]
2331
01:31:55,341 --> 01:31:57,091
Are you drinking with my kidney?
2332
01:31:57,175 --> 01:32:00,050
Oh, get over it, Alan.
You ain't gettin' it back!
2333
01:32:00,133 --> 01:32:01,091
I'mma take it back.
2334
01:32:01,175 --> 01:32:03,091
Oh, you got to find me first!
2335
01:32:03,175 --> 01:32:04,633
[all laugh]
2336
01:32:04,716 --> 01:32:07,133
I know exactly where he's at.
His coordinates are right here.
2337
01:32:07,216 --> 01:32:09,383
I've a drone in the area.
Want me to send in a strike?
2338
01:32:09,466 --> 01:32:11,591
-I will, I could do it.
-Hey, Mama.
2339
01:32:12,591 --> 01:32:13,716
Oh, my Lord.
2340
01:32:14,341 --> 01:32:15,591
Is that my Baby Pete?
2341
01:32:15,883 --> 01:32:17,091
Hey, Mama!
2342
01:32:18,091 --> 01:32:21,508
Got all my babies together
at the same time?
2343
01:32:21,591 --> 01:32:24,091
Oh, Lord heard my prayer. [sniffles]
2344
01:32:24,175 --> 01:32:27,175
I went to church Sunday through Wednesday
for this moment.
2345
01:32:27,258 --> 01:32:28,466
[all] Mama! Mama!
2346
01:32:28,550 --> 01:32:31,508
Mama's good now. Mama's good.
I'm just overwhelmed with emotion.
2347
01:32:31,591 --> 01:32:33,383
If she dies, I get the jewelry.
2348
01:32:33,466 --> 01:32:35,466
She's just feelin' the spirit of the Lord.
2349
01:32:35,550 --> 01:32:37,716
I'm gettin' emotional here. [sniffles]
2350
01:32:37,800 --> 01:32:40,383
[humming]
2351
01:32:40,466 --> 01:32:42,008
Family photo time, y'all!
2352
01:32:42,133 --> 01:32:45,341
If it's not on the 'Gram, it's a scam!
2353
01:32:45,800 --> 01:32:47,716
Now, come on, babies. Come on.
2354
01:32:48,550 --> 01:32:49,508
Ow!
2355
01:32:49,591 --> 01:32:50,425
Thank you.
2356
01:32:50,675 --> 01:32:51,925
What'd you hit me for?
2357
01:32:52,258 --> 01:32:54,425
It's not nice. I'm tellin' Mother.
2358
01:32:54,508 --> 01:32:56,341
Mother! Ethan hit me!
2359
01:32:56,841 --> 01:32:58,675
I hate having brothers and sisters.
2360
01:32:59,216 --> 01:33:00,966
I want to be an only child again!
2361
01:33:01,258 --> 01:33:03,675
Bring it on in, fam. Bring it on in.
2362
01:33:04,091 --> 01:33:05,841
Russell, Russell, pay attention.
2363
01:33:05,925 --> 01:33:08,466
I want to see everybody in there.
Miss Lynette, bring it in.
2364
01:33:08,550 --> 01:33:11,008
This reminds me of the school picture
episode of Eight Is Enough
2365
01:33:11,091 --> 01:33:13,591
-where a young Nicholas Bradford--
-[all] Shut the hell up!
2366
01:33:13,675 --> 01:33:14,508
Hush!
2367
01:33:14,883 --> 01:33:16,050
[Dawn groans]
2368
01:33:16,133 --> 01:33:17,008
You shut up.
2369
01:33:17,591 --> 01:33:18,508
Not you, Mom.
2370
01:33:18,966 --> 01:33:22,175
Okay, on three, two, one...
2371
01:33:22,591 --> 01:33:24,091
-Family!
-[blows raspberry]
2372
01:33:24,258 --> 01:33:25,175
["My House" plays]
2373
01:33:25,258 --> 01:33:26,883
♪ Welcome to my house ♪
2374
01:33:26,966 --> 01:33:29,383
♪ Baby, take control now ♪
2375
01:33:29,466 --> 01:33:31,883
♪ We can't even slow down ♪
2376
01:33:32,050 --> 01:33:34,800
♪ We don't have to go out ♪
2377
01:33:38,425 --> 01:33:40,550
♪ Welcome to my house ♪
2378
01:33:43,508 --> 01:33:45,758
♪ Welcome to my house ♪
2379
01:33:46,341 --> 01:33:49,633
♪ Morning comes
And you know that you wanna stay ♪
2380
01:33:51,508 --> 01:33:54,883
♪ Close the blinds
Let's pretend that the time has changed ♪
2381
01:33:56,633 --> 01:33:59,883
♪ Keep our clothes on the floor
Open up champagne ♪
2382
01:34:01,716 --> 01:34:04,716
♪ Let's continue tonight
Come on, celebrate ♪
2383
01:34:04,800 --> 01:34:08,050
-♪ That's how we do it ♪
-♪ Sometimes you gotta stay in, in ♪
2384
01:34:08,133 --> 01:34:10,216
♪ Welcome to my house ♪
2385
01:34:10,300 --> 01:34:12,841
-♪ Baby, take control now ♪
-♪ Now ♪
2386
01:34:12,925 --> 01:34:15,258
♪ We can't even slow down ♪
2387
01:34:15,466 --> 01:34:18,091
♪ We don't have to go out ♪
2388
01:34:18,300 --> 01:34:20,466
♪ Welcome to my house ♪
2389
01:34:20,550 --> 01:34:22,966
-♪ Play that music too loud ♪
-♪ Turn it up, turn it up ♪
2390
01:34:23,050 --> 01:34:25,591
-♪ Show me what you do now ♪
-♪ Show me now ♪
2391
01:34:25,675 --> 01:34:28,550
-♪ We don't have to go out ♪
-♪ Go out ♪
2392
01:34:28,841 --> 01:34:31,550
♪ Welcome to my duck off the crib
The spot, the pad ♪
2393
01:34:31,633 --> 01:34:34,300
♪ But my house is your house
If you throwin' it back ♪
2394
01:34:34,425 --> 01:34:36,591
♪ Excuse me if my home bringing the sad ♪
2395
01:34:36,675 --> 01:34:39,675
♪ Soon as these happy faces lay
You can run with the cash ♪
2396
01:34:39,758 --> 01:34:42,050
♪ Home run, slam dunk, touchdown, pass ♪
2397
01:34:42,133 --> 01:34:44,591
♪ Mi casa es tu casa
So it ain't no holding back ♪
2398
01:34:44,675 --> 01:34:47,175
♪ Another shot of vodka
You know what's in my glass ♪
2399
01:34:47,258 --> 01:34:48,883
♪ It's my house, just relax ♪
2400
01:34:48,966 --> 01:34:51,175
♪ Welcome to my house ♪
2401
01:34:51,258 --> 01:34:53,591
-♪ Play that music too loud ♪
-♪ Turn it up ♪
2402
01:34:53,675 --> 01:34:56,258
♪ Show me what you do now ♪
2403
01:34:56,341 --> 01:34:59,216
-♪ We don't have to go out ♪
-♪ Go out ♪
2404
01:35:01,091 --> 01:35:02,633
♪ We ain't gotta go out, 'cause what? ♪
2405
01:35:02,716 --> 01:35:04,133
♪ Welcome to my house ♪
2406
01:35:04,216 --> 01:35:05,883
♪ It's my house, my house ♪
2407
01:35:06,883 --> 01:35:07,800
♪ What? What? ♪
2408
01:35:07,883 --> 01:35:09,216
♪ Welcome to my house ♪
2409
01:35:09,300 --> 01:35:11,633
[echoing] ♪ It's my house ♪
2410
01:35:12,383 --> 01:35:14,258
[instrumental music plays]
261682
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