Original subtitles

["Say Hey (I Love You)" plays]

♪ Hey ♪

-♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ -♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ I say, hey, I'll be gone today ♪

♪ But I'll be back all around the way ♪

♪ It seems like everywhere I go ♪

♪ The more I see, the less I know ♪

-♪ But I know ♪ -♪ I know ♪

[Alan] You know, this Lamaze class got me concerned.

Is there really a chance that you're gonna stop breathin' while givin' birth?

-What? -Like everything is going great,

and I'm like, "One, two, three," and your face turns blue,

and you stop breathing, I'm like, "Breathe! Breathe!" [laughs]

Alan, it's about us being ready.

It's about us doing this together.

Well, you know, girl, doing this together is what got us here in the first place.

Except your breathing was more like, "Oh, Alan!

-Oh, it's amazing!" -Alan.

-"Oh, Alan, it's so big!" -Alan!

-"It's so big!" -Stop it! You're being ridiculous!

[laughs]

Oh, I gotta get back to work. It's the last day before maternity leave.

-I'm gonna miss work. -Yeah, I wish I could say the same.

-Linda's on a warpath. -Oh.

Apparently, Doug pitched a new holiday e-card, and it didn't go so well.

Babe, who's gonna send an e-card

for someone graduating from rehab for the second time?

Well, it was a lot better than "Happy Hoe-loween".

You know, for women that wear slutty costumes.

Or what about "White Kwanzaa," which makes absolutely no sense at all.

And don't forget to tell Linda you're taking paternity leave.

I know. Listen, nothing's more important to me than my family,

not even a partnership

at the company I've been busting my ass for all these years.

You think maybe I should've just slept my way to the top?

Okay, babe. I'll see you later.

Don't think Linda want it? You see the way Linda looks at your boy!

-Not interested in that conversation. -Don't be jealous.

-Mm-mm. -[laughs]

-I love you. -[Marie] Love you, too.

Bye.

Linda, I wanna apologize for the pitch.

You know, I've been delegating more to the team, and I want...

Y-You know, 'cause the baby's due soon--

I know you got a lot on your plate, Alan.

I won't pretend to understand, I never wanted babies. Ick!

[stammers] You know, um...

I-I-I don't usually drink at work.

[Linda] Hmm.

-[slurps] -Oh, damn.

[gulps]

Alan.

There was a time when you took charge.

You were aggressive. You dressed the part.

You were becoming the face of this company, literally!

Now... everything's about...

[mocking] "The baby. Ooh, me and my mom. The baby is great." [grunts]

Linda, that's what I wanted to talk to you about.

[stammers] I'm gonna be taking some time off.

-What? -Just a month or so.

It's like paternity leave.

[Linda] Paternity leave?!

You're in line for a partnership.

Do you really think, Alan, this is the right time to vacay?

It's not a vacay. I just want to be there for my family.

And you know what? That partnership, I earned it.

Now, I have a baby appointment, and I promised Marie I'd be there.

[Linda] Fine!

[mocking] Go to your little appointment with your sonogram and your gel.

[Dr. Greenberg] Everything looks great.

Right where you'd expect to be at 35 weeks.

-[Marie chuckles] -Thank you. Lights, please.

Now, because of your advanced maternal age--

Uh, I'm only 35.

-And 35 is really 15 in Black-people age. -Mm-hmm.

You know that black don't crack...

[both] ...unless you smoke it. Okay?

Sure, but 35 is still considered an elevated risk pregnancy.

-Uh, no pre-eclampsia in your family? -No.

-No food allergies? No history of cancer? -No.

No, she has A-plus genes.

You know, her daddy's a federal judge.

She graduated top of her class at Columbia Law,

and she's the first female partner in her firm.

Hey, Doc...

I trapped her.

[both laugh]

Uh, so...

-Uh, one more thing... -[Marie] Hmm?

Alan... we don't have your family history.

Oh, well, there's a perfectly good explanation for that. I don't have one.

See, I was put up for adoption, and I was raised in foster homes.

I moved around a lot. I never really met my birth mother.

Hence, no family medical history.

[Marie] But...

he checked out great after his last physical.

That's right.

You are lookin' at one perfect human specimen.

Now, what more could you ask for?

Girl!

-Look at that! -[Marie laughs]

-Little baby gonna come out buff. [grunts] -[growls]

[upbeat music plays]

[dog barking]

[Alan] Why can't they just put it in the chart,

"Don't know family medical history"?

She has to ask. She's not judging you, baby.

So what if I don't know if my family has high blood pressure or diabetes,

or the gene that gives you the little webby thing between your toes

that makes it impossible to wear flip-flops?

Listen, black people don't even wear flip-flops.

You're right, baby, we don't.

Makes our heel hard and our baby toe ashy.

[laughs]

You know, and I've tried every DNA website there is.

I mean, all I found out was I may be related to Cleopatra...

and I'm 1/23 Irish.

Alan, my father is a federal circuit judge.

I've told you this a million times.

He'd be happy to help you find your family.

No. No, Marie.

That man don't like me.

He stopped liking you after you started liking me.

I don't wanna owe that man anything.

Look, Alan.

If this is as important to you as you say it is,

now is the perfect time to ask.

[Alan] Who has a Sunday brunch on a Saturday?

Not even white folks do that.

[Marie] My mom insisted.

[Alan] Aw, I love your mommy.

Only thing I don't like about your mommy is your daddy.

[both laughing]

Surprise!

[both gasp]

-Oh. -[Marie laughs]

Mommy!

-Oh, my little Pooh Bear! -Oh!

Never surprise a pregnant lady.

Don't y'all know that?

-Yeah, my water almost broke. -[Janet] Marie.

The whole family is here for you.

Really?

Your sisters, every aunt, uncle, cousin!

-Cousins, cousins, cousins. -Oh, Mom.

-This is like a Tyler Perry movie in here. -Oh, stop it.

[Alan] So, Doug, your date, she seems really, um...

-outgoing. -Oh, yeah.

-She's a Russian aerial dancer. -[Alan] Okay.

-You know, like with ribbons? -Yeah, yeah.

That, or she's a spy.

Or maybe she's just a thief. I'm not sure.

But I'm keeping my sensitive documents in a safe just in case.

Smart man.

-Doug. -Marie.

Oh, thank you so much for coming!

Oh, such a great shower!

-And these mommy-mosas are on fleek. -[Marie] Right?

-We don't say that. -Mm-mm.

Uh, off the chain.

-That's old. -No.

-They're the bomb. -[Alan and Marie] Stop.

Uh, shit, she's stealing.

-[Marie] What? -Excuse me.

-[speaking Russian] Nyet, nyet, nyet. -Da.

So...

Dad's at the grill,

so now's the perfect chance to talk to him.

[sizzling]

-Hey. -Hmm?

Um...

-Dad, I was... -Ooh.

Sorry. Judge...

-Mm-hmm. -[Alan] Sir.

I got something I wanted to talk to you about.

You know, I wasn't exactly in favor

of you marrying my daughter.

Yeah.

You kind of mentioned that during the wedding,

when the preacher said, "Speak now or forever hold your peace."

You... you didn't hold your peace.

Alan, I'm trying to make sure that you understand that you're...

you're about to become the father of my grandchild.

I know this. And that-- that-- Sir.

[stammering] I leased a brand new SUV.

It's red, so everybody knows it's coming.

Got the little "Baby On Board" sticker in the back,

and I'm almost finished with the nursery.

I got a few finishing touches to put on, but--

-[sizzling] -[Leland] Damn it.

That's not what I'm talking about.

Son...

I want to share something with you.

Family is everything.

You don't have a family.

Now, Marie brings generations of success to the table.

What exactly are you bringing?

I can throw with both arms.

-You can throw with both arms? -Mm-hmm.

Listen, sir.

I want to find my birth family.

But see, I need a court order

to unseal my adoption records.

-Well, just so I'm clear... -Yes.

-So I'm clear... -Mm-hmm.

You're asking me for a favor?

Not a favor. Like a...

"Favor" is a big word.

Like... adjust it. A "solid".

No, no. I wanna hear "favor." "Solid" doesn't work here.

Can we not say "favor" so hard?

"Judge, could you do me a favor?" Can you say something like that?

Can you do me a f--

[exhales]

Can you do me a favor?

There you go.

There you go. That wasn't that hard, was it?

-It was. -It was actually easier

than I thought it was going to be.

You...You know, you...

You're not much of a fighter, are you, son?

-Hmm? -No.

[paper rustling]

[Marie chuckles] What is this?

Aw! How cute is this?

Alan, look.

You know, I've been trying to get that information for years,

and your father got it in less than an hour.

Open it.

Marie, now... Now, once I open this, y-y-you know there's no going back.

Open the damn thing!

[sighs]

Um, Marie...

my whole life I always wondered what my birth family was like.

Where'd they come from? Were they poor? And...

And they worked hard,

and then they started a successful dry cleaning company,

[stammers] and then they got rich,

and they moved across town to the East side,

and then they bought a deluxe apartment--

Alan.

That's The Jeffersons.

I know, but a boy could dream.

-Just open the dag-gone thing! -Okay! Don't yell at me.

[Marie] God! Just avoiding it.

Come on.

Baby, this is just stuff. I can't... I can't make nothin' of this.

Okay, okay, all right. Records of Transfer...

Oh, my gosh, Alan. It's your birth certificate.

Look.

-[Alan] Oh, sh... Marie. -[Marie chuckles]

It's my birth certificate.

[stammers] This is me!

Yep, all five pounds and six ounces of you.

-Hey! That's a healthy baby! -That's a good baby.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

-A little slim. -Little slim.

Oh. No father on record.

[both] Mm.

Oh! Alan, look.

Your birth mother's name is right here.

Lynette Spellman.

Lynette?

Wow! You know any Lynettes?

Uh, no.

I know a Lynette. My barber, the one that cuts my hair?

-Uh-huh. -She's a Lynette!

-Shut up. -Yeah.

She faded it a little high, but I think she was high when she faded it.

-She did good. -Maybe my mom owns a salon!

Maybe she invented the weave.

And you're wearin' a weave right now, and that's why I was attracted to you,

'cause you remind me of the weave that my mama created!

[gasps] Oh, my God, maybe my mother's a millionaire!

Well, maybe you could ask her yourself.

Her address is right here.

-My-- -Look at this.

[Marie laughs]

-I got a mommy. -You got a mama, baby.

-I got a mama. -Baby.

-I got a mama. -Baby.

-Hey. -[Marie laughs]

-You got a grand-mommy! -You've got a grandma!

-But what if she doesn't wanna meet me? -How can she not wanna meet you?

Now, listen, you better hurry up, or you'll miss your chance.

'Cause in a couple of weeks, you're gonna have to focus

on the family you have right here.

[sighs]

-Okay. -Okay?

Thank you.

Don't worry. I'll be back.

-Okay. -[engine turns over]

Probably in a helicopter, because, you know, my mama is ballin'!

[honks horn]

Love you! A lot!

Bye, baby! And other baby!

["Up Up & Away" plays]

♪ I feel so caught up, in a bud ♪

♪ I float somehow in my bedroom ♪

♪ Perfectly at peace ♪

♪ So I move along a bit higher ♪

♪ I'll be up, up, and away ♪

♪ Up, up, and away ♪

♪ 'Cause they're gonna judge me anyway ♪

♪ So, whatever ♪

♪ I'll be up, up, and away ♪

♪ Up, up, and away ♪

♪ 'Cause in the end They'll judge me anyway ♪

♪ So, whatever ♪

♪ I'll be up, up, and away ♪

♪ Up, up, and away ♪

♪ 'Cause in the end They'll judge me anyway ♪

♪ So, whatever ♪

What do I call her?

Hey...

Mom!

I... I forgive you, Mom.

Yeah, I'm not even a little bitter that you wasn't around

for the last 38 years, you frickin' bitch!

I'm sorry.

It's gonna be cool. It's gonna be good. Mm-hmm.

[sighs]

[doorbell rings]

[sighs]

[man] Just leave the mail on the porch!

Oh, hey!

[man] You're not our usual mailman.

No, I'm-- I'm not with the Postal Service.

Sir, I am anxiously awaiting an episode of Mork & Mindy.

So, you leave me no choice to be somewhat rude

and say, "Please, go away!"

Who watches Mork & Mindy still?

[knocking] Sir!

Does Lynette Spellman live here?

No. And I'll say it in Spanish,

"El no."

Then, why is "L. Spellman" on the mailbox?

Very well.

But she's not here.

Really? Damn it.

What do you want?

[sighs]

My name is Alan,

and Lynette Spellman is my mother.

[laughing]

[snorting]

Lynette Spellman only has one son, and his name is Russell.

Right. I have proof.

[paper rustling]

What in the quantum leap?

Give me that.

This can't be.

I'm her son!

This... This is a mistake!

Wait, you're her son?

I'm her son. That means we're brothers!

Wait. You're my brother, Russell!

No, no, no, no. No, no. Look, right there. You see that? See that?

See that misprint? See that date there, that's my birthday.

-And, see-- -Yeah, but that's my birthday.

Yeah, but that would only make sense if, in fact,

you and I were... [chuckles]

Twins.

We're twins.

Russell!

We're twins!

Come here, bro!

This is awkward.

I've never had a man hug me before.

If you don't release me, I'm gonna be forced to use my warning whistle

Mother gave me.

Okay, I warned you.

-[whistles] -All right, shh, shh! Hey!

-Stranger danger! Stranger danger! -[dogs barking]

Can we... Can we go inside?

Don't touch anything with your measly hands.

Everything here is very valuable.

These are antiques, especially the TV Guide,

so it's gonna be worth billions one day.

Well, here's some more news.

-You're about to be an uncle. -Phooey.

-Uncle Russell. -That's a terrible name.

-Has a little ring to it. -Sounds like a cheesy morning disc jockey.

This is the family home, huh?

Yeah. Jealous? [chuckles]

I still can't believe

that I'm standing here with my very own twin.

[Russell] Me neither.

I mean, look at us.

We look exactly alike.

Yeah, we... We look almost...

exactly... nothing alike.

No, we look exactly, exactly alike.

It's like I'm looking at myself in the mirror.

It's uncanny!

Same face, same hairline.

Well, I'm a lot more handsome.

That's why I got the beauty marks and you don't. [chuckles]

So, Russell, I...

take it you still live here.

[scoffs] That's a rather obvious observation.

Why else would I have my very own cereal bowl

with my name written on it?

-See? -Yeah.

It's so good. I love cereal. [slurps]

Well, that's something me and you have in common.

I like cereal, too.

I'm more of a Wheat Chex guy myself.

Wheat Chex?

Blech!

I'm sorry, Alan. I like my cereals to be edible.

Preferably with the fruit-forward complexities

of the Captain's Crunchberries.

Mm.

[slurping]

So, when do I see her?

-Who? -[Alan] Mom.

I-I mean, Lynette.

When does she get back?

Uh... that's... that's rather hard to say.

Oh, I got so much stuff to ask her.

I mean, so many things I wanna tell her, like I'm married,

she's gonna be a grandma.

Uh, she's dead!

You said what?

Yeah, you know...

[sighs]

I regret to inform you...

Lynette Spellman has passed on.

How?

Car accident.

I told her she should check her brakes.

So she got up under that 1986 Honda Civic SE.

It was blue.

Periwinkle, to be exact.

She was just that type of gal,

real hands-on and cheap as the day is long.

Obviously, I couldn't do it for her.

Because of your size?

Because I know nothing about fancy, expensive, foreign cars like Hondas.

So-- So, she was crushed?

I'm afraid so.

Oh, wow.

Oh, this is just so devastating. Just--

Uh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Come on.

-Oh, I'm-- I'm sorry. -That's my seat.

Sorry, Alan. I've spent a lot of time

making this leather conform to only my buttocks.

Mm.

Can't believe I finally find her and now it's too late.

Maybe you should just go home and mourn.

Now, excuse me. My television show is on. Thank you.

[TV plays]

Do you have any pictures?

[groans]

I hate havin' a brother already!

Don't touch my cereal.

I lived my entire life with that woman,

and although buck-toothed,

she was a saint.

And what about Dad?

Deserted her the instant she got pregnant.

But she carried on.

Seems like an amazing woman.

Indeed.

Sour ball?

Sure.

She never said anything about why she gave me up?

Never mentioned you.

Not a word. [chews]

Not a peep. [chuckles]

[slurping]

Oh, so sour.

[chomps] Ow! Ow!

[Russell] Seriously?

Did you just bite into a sour ball?

[laughs]

No wonder why Mother chose me.

Okay, fine. Can you just please get me a paper towel

for my busted tooth?

[slurps] Mm-hmm.

You know, Mom loves sour balls.

She said Dad had sour balls and that was her attraction to him.

Hey, Alan!

Whatever you do,

don't go snoopin' through Mom's drawers.

She's got all kind of weird massagers and stuff in there.

[blows]

[coughs]

Family medical records!

[laughs]

[gasps]

What the hell is this?

Again, not to push you, but to nudge you really hard,

Mork is about to talk to Orson and--

What's that?

Did you know about this?

She had six babies at the same time!

-There was more of you? -Russell, there's more of us!

[Alan chuckles]

Wait. So, if triplets is three, then...

Russell...

we're sextuplets!

Holy fudge!

[siren wails in the distance]

[Marie] Aw, baby, I'm really sorry about your birth mom.

It's okay, baby.

At least I still got Dawn, Ethan, Jaspar, Russell, and Baby Pete.

And, yes, Baby Pete is his legal name. [chuckles]

That's more ghetto than your Uncle Lil Stank-Stank.

[laughs]

Yeah, so far, I found a place of business on Ethan,

and nothing on Jaspar. That man's a ghost.

What about Dawn?

I got a number. I called it.

-So, what happened? -[Alan] Some dude picked up.

Gave me a weird address in Alabama. Said I should bring cigarettes.

Well, be careful. You don't know these people.

Maybe one of them changed their name to Idris Elba.

You know, we do have strikingly similar bone structure.

But Idris has all of his teeth.

Maybe I'll get a gold cap.

No, no, no, no. Alan. Please! You can't meet your family like that.

Girl, that's why I got this.

Boom. Super glue.

-[Marie] Oh, my God, Alan. -[clattering]

Don't use that. Go see a dentist.

-Baby... I'm gonna call you back. -Alan--

[suspenseful music plays]

[clattering]

[gasps]

[door unlocks]

[both scream]

-[panting] -Russell!

Oh. Hey, Alan.

How'd you get in my room?

I just told the hotel manager we were brothers. [chuckles]

Of course he believed me, 'cause we're twinsies.

[scoffs]

What are you even doing here?

Well, good news.

I decided to join you on this excursion to find our siblings. [chuckles]

Oh! Uh...

Well, I wasn't really expectin' any company. Sorry.

[Russell] Alan, my mother just died.

This trip may be the only thing to help me recover

from the greatest tragedy of my young life.

[cries] Please?

I brought cereal.

Fine.

Let's do it.

Really?

Tomorrow, we head out on a road trip.

Okay-dokay.

Give us some time to really, you know, bro down.

“Bro down”?

Did you just try to turn a noun into a verb?

Yeah, I... I guess.

That's grammatically incorrect.

[bed rattles]

Goodnight, Alan. Wanna cuddle?

[screams] Hey, man, you're naked! The hell?

Of course. I sleep in the nude.

I'm very comfortable with my body.

The buck is beautiful.

Besides, it really helps with night sweats. [chuckles]

You don't want me to have night sweats.

I'll have this mattress floatin' around like an old raft after a hurricane.

Usually there's a dog on top.

It's all wet and dirty.

Boy, if you don't put some damn clothes on...

Fine. Obviously, somebody's insecure about their manhood.

You're lucky I brought my PJs, Alan. [scoffs]

Oh, wow!

Russell, did you know Alabama has nearly 600 miles of coastline?

I bet you Dawn has a big house on the beach.

This may not be obvious, Alan, but...

this is my first sleepover.

No!

Seriously.

Come on. I guess we could share the bed, now that you got some drawers on.

-Come on. -Ooh-wee!

Yeah, I got my Underoos. Come on!

-Let's go, Alan! -Hey! Hey, what are you doing?

We never got to do this as kids. Come on!

Fine, but just for a little while.

Then we gotta go to bed.

Come on! I betcha I jump higher than you! I bet I can jump higher than you, Alan!

[laughs]

-Look at this. I'm runnin' in the air. Mm. -Hey!

This is kind of fun!

-I told-- -Oh!

Huh? Uh-oh.

[chuckles] Thank God, Mom's dead.

We surely would've got a spanking for that one.

-Now, I know your big behind-- -[grunts]

Pillow fight!

-Oh! Oh, you want a pillow fight? Okay! -[grunts]

-[grunts] -All right! Yeah!

-Okay. -That was a low blow!

-You want a pillow fight? -[mocking laugh]

[grunts] Okay, that was good.

Oh! You got some power on you,

-huh, big boy? -[chuckles]

-[grunts] Take that! -[grunts]

-Take that! -[grunts]

-You're a nice, big target. -Show me what you got!

[grunts]

[laughs]

Now, that's how you pillow fight!

Now, that wasn't really nice of you, Alan.

You know, maybe we shouldn't pillow fight. It's still dangerous. It's fightin'!

[grunts]

[grunts]

[chuckles]

[groans]

You know what? Sleepovers are a lot of fun. [chuckles]

I can't wait to see what happens tomorrow night.

Yeah. Tomorrow.

[groans]

[upbeat music plays]

-[Alan] So long, Branford. -[Russell] Arrivederci, Branford.

[sniffs] And they thought I'd never leave.

Proved them wrong. [chuckles]

-Who? -Oh, the naysayers.

-Oh. -My teachers, my doctor,

the butcher, the baker,

the sixth grade crossing guard,

the sheriff, the deputy,

Mom's OB-GYN.

-Oh, goddamn. -[Russell] That's pretty much everybody.

So...

-[munching] -Tell me something about yourself.

For what possible purpose?

What are you, the IRS? [laughs]

How about this?

What's your earliest memory of Mom?

She forced me to eat an avocado, the hussy.

-Okay. -It was disgusting, as you might imagine.

-[laughs] -Tastes like soft-boiled Silly Putty.

That's something we have in common.

I hate avocados, too.

Great.

You like TV shows?

How about we sing our favorite TV show theme song?

Ooh, how about we don't?

♪ Now the world don't move To the beat of just one drum ♪

♪ What might be right for you ♪

♪ May not be right for some ♪

♪ A man is born ♪

♪ He's a man of means ♪

♪ Then along comes two ♪

♪ They got nothing but jeans ♪

♪ They got ♪

♪ Diff'rent Strokes ♪

♪ It takes ♪

♪ Diff'rent Strokes ♪

♪ It takes ♪

♪ Diff'rent Strokes to move the world ♪

♪ Mmm ♪

[Russell chuckles]

I was a big fan of Diff'rent Strokes.

Oh, I got one, I got one.

[vocalizing]

What? Come on, that's the M*A*S*H* theme song!

Makes me sleepy.

Al right. I just thought it'd be good to play some theme songs.

Yeah, I got some good commercial jingles--

-[wind blowing] -[snoring]

♪ Heard they tryin' to steal the wave Cut it out, cut it out ♪

♪ Spicy mamis on the way Bust it down, bust it down ♪

♪ Saw my watch She love the way I flood it out, ay ♪

♪ Talk to me nice ♪

♪ Show you what these Bentley 'bout Whoa ♪

♪ Pipe down ♪

[turns off music]

Russell.

-Russell! Hey. -Hmm?

I need you to drive. I'm gettin' tired.

Yeah, I don't think so.

-What? Why not? -[Russell] 'Cause...

I have no interest in assuming legal responsibility for someone else's vehicle.

Seriously?

Also, I don't know how to drive.

[laughing] You don't know how to drive? Get outta here!

Truth be told, I've always wanted to learn,

so I could one day speed stylish down the road,

in a gold '76 Pontiac Firebird Esprit.

The same vehicle owned by James Scott--

Rockford!

In The Rockford Files! Man, that was my show!

Oh, I love The Rockford Files!

-Yo, that car was sick. -[Russell] The best.

You know, I own a copy of the original operator's manual for the car.

-[Alan] Really? -[chuckles]

I've read it a dozen times or something.

[Alan inhales deeply]

All right.

Well, Russell...

I'mma pull over right here, 'cause, uh...

I'm tired.

Gonna get some Z's.

[Russell] Hmm, strange. I don't see no hotel around here, Alan.

[Alan] Because there isn't one, Russell.

-[owl hoots] Tomorrow...

I'm gonna give you your first driving lesson.

How's that, huh?

[Russell] Hmm...

You positive this is safe?

Yeah, it's safe.

Listen, we're family. You got my back and I got yours, right?

I don't know, Alan.

[scoffs] You're not exactly the family I wanted.

Yeah, well, I'm all the family you got.

You sound like the ending of a cheesy sitcom.

Oh, my God. Do you ever stop talking?

-Sometimes. -Go to bed.

-Um, if I had some warm milk or something. -Start countin' cereal boxes.

That's a good idea.

-[Alan exhales] -One Lucky Charm.

-[owl hoots] -Mmm. Two Cap'n Crunch...

Three Froot Loops.

[birds chirping]

[groans]

Hey, Russell, what time is it?

Russell?

What the hell?

Russell!

[scoffs]

[grunting]

Russell!

What are you doing?

[panting]

Why are you runnin' like Rerun from What's Happening?

-We should go now. -[Alan] Where are we goin'?

What are you runnin' from?

I think I'm ready for that driver's lesson now.

Oh, no!

My brand new Stan Smiths!

You should get in the car.

You said what?

Sounds like...

moo!

What? This is some bull...

[bellows]

...shit.

[bellows]

Oh.

-Oh. -[bellows]

[shudders]

[snorts]

[bellows]

How now, brown cow! Whoa!

-[bull bellows] -[screams]

Open the door! Open the door!

-Russell! Open the door! -[bellows]

Pop the handle! Pop the handle!

[grunting]

[screams] Open!

I am bewildered by this vehicle's technology.

[Alan] Open the door, Russell!

[bellows]

-Oh! -[grunts]

Toro!

-[bellows] -Oh! [screams]

-Stop it! -[honks horn]

Stop it!

[honking]

[bellows]

You need to chill out.

Oh!

[bellowing]

Bro, if you don't pop the goddamn lock...

I don't see a key!

I got the key! I got the key!

[car unlocks]

Ah! I think your car is possessed!

-[bellows] -[screams]

-[bellows] -[screams]

Oh!

Whoa! Oh!

What do we do now?

Press the brake!

Okay, brake. Pedal.

-Pedal, pedal... -[screams]

Okay, now what?

Put it in drive!

Put it in drive. Okay.

-Press the gas. Lightly. -Okay. Lightly.

-[engine revs] -[screams]

[bellows]

What did you do to piss off a bull?

I was just trying to get some milk for my cereal and I pulled its teat!

-[bellows] -[both scream]

Watch, watch!

[both clamoring]

[both scream]

["Say You, Say Me" plays]

♪ Say you, say me ♪

♪ Say it for always ♪

♪ That's the way it should be ♪

-[crunching] -♪ Say you, say me ♪

-[crunching] -♪ Say it together ♪

[both scream]

Oh!

Wow.

[Russell pants]

So, it was a good lesson. You wanna do it again?

[upbeat music plays]

[car squeaking and rattling]

I think this is a different big house than the one you imagined.

Are you certain this is the correct address?

[buzzer sounds]

[gate closes]

[people chattering]

[woman over police radio] Three-thirteen, I copy.

[gate closes]

[buzzer sounds]

-[woman] Turn around. -[Dawn] You stealin' on me for no reason.

[Dawn] You gonna stop stealin' on me like this.

Don't put your frickin' hands--

Don't put your hands on me, Deidra. Don't put your hands on me.

You gonna stop with this light-skinned privilege.

Just 'cause you got a badge and gun don't make you no better than me.

Ooh, that's your mama? You better put some money on my books.

I'mma whoop your daughter's ass.

-[woman] Dawn. -Call that black bitch!

You gon' get your ass kicked.

Dawn, let these people enjoy their family.

So, anyway...

This better be good, 'cause you cuttin' into my yard time.

The guard over there say you my brother. Is that for real, for real?

Um...

Well, yeah. I mean... I got the birth certificate to prove it.

[Dawn] Hmm.

I'm Alan.

[scoffs] No.

I don't know you.

Okay. Nice... Nice to meet you.

[stammers] That's your other brother, Russell.

-Hi. -Oh, hell to the no.

Mm-mm.

He must've came from the defected testicles. That's not my brother.

Now, you and I,

we do look alike.

Like, I see the resemblance.

Like, this is uncanny.

I... I don't... I don't see the resemblance at all.

This is like lookin' in the mirror.

But more like a funhouse mirror,

'cause, you know, I'm voluptuous and beautiful...

[inhales] and you scrawny.

But you buff.

So, you like a crackhead

that put down the crack pipe and picked up a weight.

Oh, okay.

[coin rattles]

Mm, mm.

[vending machine running]

Come to Daddy.

Oh, come on.

[banging]

Where're my smokes?

-I didn't... I didn't bring any smo-- -Oh, hell, no!

I know you did not

show up to a prison without no damn smokes!

Oh, that's like goin' to the Boom Boom Room

and not bringin' singles!

Ain't nobody gonna rub on your little cling-clong for free.

My dude.

[Alan] Russell!

The guards did a full pat-down. How the hell you get that in here?

Well, in the World War II prison comedy Hogan's Heroes,

Colonel Hogan once duped

the buffoonish Sergeant Schultz

by hiding a monkey wrench way deep in his anus--

Y-You know what?

-Way up there by undigested food. -[groans]

I-I get the point Thank you.

Be quiet! Damn!

Ooh, you lucky you didn't grow up with me.

-I swear I would have beat your ass. -[blows raspberry]

You smell that? That's a high wipe. He stink.

So, uh... Dawn.

Boom Boom Room? So... so, you're a stripper?

What the hell?

-[gasps] -A stripper

and exotic dancer are different.

-So get your life right, boo. -My bad.

An exotic dancer incorporate years of hard dance trainin'

into her whole routine.

-Yeah. -She take all her years

of what she learned on the horizontal pole,

and she just bring it to the vertical pole

and add a little bit of this to it, and add a little bit of this.

-Please, don't... don't do that. -You see this? Here, here, here.

Shift, shift, shift. Pla, pla.

Plié, relevé, ass on face.

Plié, relevé, ass on face.

[Alan and Dawn] Plié, relevé, ass on face.

Sashay! Sashay!

Ass on face.

-Oh! -[Dawn] See?

That's how it get down.

So, you go get your education right, boo-boo.

Uh, okay.

[effort grunts]

Uh... here's some good news.

You're gonna be an auntie.

[gasps]

Yes! My wife is pregnant, and she's gonna be giving birth

-in a couple weeks. -Are you serious?

That just warms my heart.

[sniffles] Is it yours?

-What? Yeah. Yeah, it's mine! -[Dawn] Hmm.

Sound a little suspect to me.

These hoes be out here.

Okurr?

[breathes heavily]

[screams]

[effort grunt]

[panting] [grunts]

[gasping]

[grunts]

You know, this just make me think about my babies, you know.

Oh, really? You-- You have children?

Mm-hmm.

And I think about them. There ain't nothin' I wouldn't do for my kids.

I would commit murder!

Violent murder! I'd shiv somebody so hard!

-So sweet of you. -Murder!

You know, nothin' says "I love you" like a...

little old-fashioned murder, right?

And you know what? You family.

So I would do the same for you.

[stutters] And I feel the same way about you.

Minus the murder.

[effort grunts]

[snoring]

You know, there is somethin' that maybe you can...

-You know what? No. -Dawn, stop.

You sure?

-[banging] -[grunts]

[spitting]

[effort grunts]

Um...

I just need a little help with, like, a little bit of bail money.

Oh.

Well, how...

[stammering] How much help do you need?

Just crumbs.

Come here.

[whispers] Ten thousand dollars.

[gasps]

Oh, goddamn!

Oh, you gonna help me? Oh, my goodness!

-You so sweet! -Contraband!

-Contraband? He got contraband! -What? No, wait! I ain't got--

Hold up!

[Dawn] He's got contraband!

[all shouting indistinctly]

[alarm buzzing]

Hold up, hold up.

Get off me, yo!

Shame about that contraband, huh? [whistling]

[Dawn] That wasn't me!

Ten grand?!

Alan, are you nuts? You don't even know her!

She's my sister, you know? She's family.

[scoffs] Who was in jail for assault!

Allegedly.

And Dawn says it was a mishappenstance.

I... I don't think that's a word.

It was just an aggressive lap dance.

Fine.

Um...

Before I hit the road, did you find out anything on Jaspar?

Oh! You know what? I actually did.

Um...

Let me see. Um...

He went to Oxford,

then MIT,

and then he went dark.

I left a couple messages for a law school friend at the Pentagon.

I'll try the State Department next.

Girl, you doin' a whole lot better than I did.

I got nothin' on Baby Pete,

and still no response from Ethan.

I gave him all my info.

Nothin'. Just crickets.

[sighs] You know, this is harder than I thought it was gonna be.

[sighs]

Alan...

I know you're trying to find your family, but...

I thought you'd be home by now.

I mean, what if the baby comes early?

[Alan] I'll be there, okay?

Nothing will stop me from being there. Nothing.

But just a reminder, the breastfeeding class is tomorrow,

and it's the last one before the baby comes.

Then, I'll just drop Dawn off, and... I'll head home.

Okay?

-[buzzer sounds] -It's been real.

I am free!

Bye, bitches!

Oh, I am so glad I got bailed out.

I was about El Chapo this bitch.

-Oh, my God! It feels so good... -What in the Real Housewives of Atlanta

is this?

Alan!

Thank you, brother!

-[screams] -Wait, wait. Dawn, wait.

Hol-- Dawn!

[screams]

[grunts]

[coughing]

[chuckles]

[sucks teeth]

Oh, goddamn! Damn!

Ow!

Oh, look at all the money.

That's... [sniffs] five dollars. You chump ass.

Now here... I've got your address!

Alan!

Whoa!

Close the goddamn...

-Close the... Close the door! -All right.

-Close the door! -All right. It's closed!

I thought you weren't comin' in until tomorrow.

Yeah, well, I'm here now, ain't I?

What's goin' on with that jacket, man? I stopped counting the buttons after six.

-Seven. -Okay.

It's that Steve Harvey Season Seven. You like it?

Yeah, that Family Feud shit.

Yeah, that's for retired basketball players and deacons.

Mm-hmm. And the hair extension...

Yeah. And look here, it's called a "woop".

-A "woop"? -Yeah.

A dip. A perm. You know what I'm sayin'?

I like it. I like the whole new thing, man. It's a whole new look.

You look like Carmelo Anthony fucked Rick James.

Hey, not everybody can wear lime green, you know?

-Don't be jealous. -Listen.

I'm glad you're here, because I am havin' a hard time

crackin' the Mother's Day pitch, and I'm desperate.

-Yeah, Mother's Day? -Yeah.

Yeah, I got one for you. I'll tell you. All right, here it goes. All right.

"Most kids get hugs and kisses

from their mama, and those memories last.

But I don't have those memories, Mama,

'cause you left me in the trash.

Happy Mother's Day, Mom,

dot, dot, dot...

bitch."

I mean, I like the rhyming scheme, but I just...

-I don't know, there's something-- -You know what?

You talkin' a lot, you talkin' a lot.

-Let's cut to the bullshit. -Okay.

-Where the money at, huh? -What money?

Don't hold out on me. I'll... I'll slap your face.

You-- I'll slap your white face and I'll leave my handprint so big,

you'll look like the Canadian flag.

-I do direct deposit. You know that. -[sniffing]

You smell like money, huh? You got-- You got Republican money, huh? [sniffs]

Hey, hey, hey. You know I'm a Bernie bro.

-Oh. -You know that.

Ooh. [sniffs]

Stay still.

[sniffs]

Ooh.

You shop at Whole Foods.

[sniffing] You smell like the green bin at Sprouts.

[sniffs]

Where the money at? Who got the checks?

-The che-- -[inhales deeply]

Who got the money?

-Relax, Alan. -Who got the checks?

Talk to Linda.

-Who the hell is Linda, huh? -Our boss.

We work for a bitch?

We work for Linda. She's nice.

-She's a nice bitch? -Yeah.

Oh, people done changed.

[mumbles indistinctly]

-[door opens] -It's good to see you, man.

[people chattering]

Where the hell is Linda's office, huh?

[telephone ringing]

Thank you.

Get back to work.

I said, get back to work!

[banging] Hey, Linda.

I need to holler at you 'bout some bidness. Right now.

Agora. Pronto.

Excuse me?

[inhales] Look here. I want...

[tapping]

what's mine.

You what?

Did I... [stutters]

stutter?

Well, well, well, Alan.

I had to admit I was worried you didn't get the message,

but I'm happy to see you acting like you mean it.

Oh, yeah. You know I'm about that life. Shit. Hells yeah.

Hells yeah.

And I'm happy to see you dress for Rashneep's retirement party.

Rash-who-the-what?

Look, I ain't here for no party.

I'm here on some bidness.

I want my ends. My loot.

My scrilla.

Scrilla?

I want my advance.

Alan, you know that I don't give advances.

-Do I look like I give a shit? -Hmm.

See, if I gave a shit, I'd look like this.

But I don't. So, I look like this.

-Now, do it. -Alan...

you're talking to me like I work for you.

Yeah, well, you know, now you smellin' what I'm fartin'. You know?

Let me make something very clear, Alan.

You could talk to everyone else that way,

-but not your... -Hold on, that's--

boss!

You hear me?

[chuckles]

[sniffs]

Let me tell you something...

Linda.

-[gulps] -[glass shatters]

Nobody,

but nobody,

talks to me that way.

So, here's what I want you to do.

I want you to take your ass over there and write me a check!

'Cause Daddy

got bills to pay.

You feel me?

I feel you.

[Ethan] Mm-hmm.

Good.

I feel you!

Good.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

I feel you!

Okay. That's what we said. [chuckles]

-Oh. Wait. Ooh. -[Linda moans]

-I feel that. -I feel you.

Hey! Yeah. [chuckles]

I feel you.

-Okay! -[Linda] I feel you.

[remote beeps]

Oh, man. That's some cool shit right there.

You know, I was thinkin' about gettin'--

Now it's time to consummate our...

[whispers] partnership.

Oh!

I think you just gave me a raise.

-[Linda] Mm-hmm. -[Ethan] Mm.

Mm-hmm.

[kissing and moaning]

[Dawn] Ooh, stop in there. I need something to drink.

-I am parched. Okurr? -Hey, Alan. Can you get me some cereal?

[Dawn] All right, you need to stop eating that cereal.

I think you got too much riboflavin in your system.

That's why you big and swollen like that.

-Okay... -It's affecting your thyroid.

-[Russell] Stop fat-shaming! -[Alan] All right! Just stay in the car.

Thank you.

[cell phone chimes]

[Dawn] Y'all some big-ass white boys.

-Y'all truckers, huh? -Damn.

[Dawn] I like me some truckers.

'Cause you know why? They can handle the wide load.

Huh? Can you take those turns, hmm?

[man] Yeah, I drive a big rig.

[Dawn] Let's skip all the small sides and get straight to the main course.

Which one of you want some...

calamari?

I am the seafood lover.

[Dawn] There's a dumpster right back there.

I'll close my eyes and pretend y'all the Ying Yang Twins--

Uh, Dawn. We gotta go.

Ugh! What?

Oh, my God. You comin' over here lookin' all judgmental.

You are not God or Obama.

So, what do you want?

I'm sorry, fellas.

-My sister's spoken for, so... -[scoffs]

Squeeze me.

I am a grown-ass woman.

-If I want to sit on they face... -That's gross.

...I'mma do that, okay?

So, what do you want?

Girl, come on!

Oh, my goodness. You make me sick, Alan.

Did you get my Count Chocula?

-No, but they did have-- -Rats!

Oh, ain't nobody care about no damn cereal.

God! So, did they have my Four Loko?

-No. -Any fine liquors?

Four Loko is not fine liquor, Dawn.

You have a drinking problem.

Listen, guys. I just got a ping from the Adoption Registry in Mississippi.

Baby Pete is in the hospital.

-He's in ICU. -Mm-mm, mm-mm-mm.

-He only has a few days to live. -Ooh.

Then we must hurry to his side!

-Mm. -Listen, I promised Marie I'd be home.

I'm havin' a baby soon.

He's our brother!

This might be our only chance to meet him, Alan.

-[Dawn] Thanks. -All right. Fine.

We'll drop Dawn, and then you and I will go see Baby Pete.

Okey-dokey, smokey.

Hol' on, hol' on, hol' on, hol' on, hol' on, hol' on, hol' on, hol' on!

I'm goin' with y'all, okay? He's my brother, too.

And right now, he needs his family.

Besides, if he rich, I wanna be in that will.

Russell, I'm ridin' shotgun!

You're a bully, Dawn!

So, get up out the front seat, you smell like bellybutton.

I don't want that smell woofin' on me as we drive.

I don't stink!

I just have a really aggressive sweat gland disorder.

[clattering]

-Hey! -Okay.

-Stupid. -Everybody in the car. Quick--

-What the hell did you do to my truck? -Uh-oh.

Hol' on, hol' on, hol'-- Who the hell are you yellin' at?

You better turn that anger down.

Your face all red.

You better turn it down to pink, and then back down to white.

I don't play that.

It's not really red, it was more of an orange tint.

Uh, listen, I'm sorry. It was... It was an accident.

How about I accidentally kick your ass?

Oh, oh, God! I know you didn't!

You did not threaten my new brother like that.

-See, I don't know him, but I love him. -I don't know her.

I swear for God, you don't know what you...

Wait, Dawn! Dawn, Dawn, Dawn, Dawn!

You think you so tough 'cause you tall?

I ain't afraid of you. I'll kick you so hard in your balls,

that it'll replace your tonsils.

And if you get tonsillitis,

then they take out your tonsils, but guess what?

They really takin' out your balls.

But they'll still give you ice cream.

Y'all think it's just empty threats?

You think this is an empty threat? Oh, that's it. Now I'm bent!

I got my Vaseline.

Oh, I'm about to put that Vaseline all over my face

'cause when you hit me, it's gonna slide right off, like, mmm...

And I'll look at you, like,

"Now I'm mad."

Oh, you ain't gone yet?

I'mma turn my back, count to three.

If y'all ain't gone,

that's when I'mma go crazy.

One, two, three.

They're not gone, Dawn.

Ooh, they still there! Oh!

Oh, I see what it is. It's a full moon.

You gonna bring the werewolf out in me.

I see the moon, I'm like...

[growling]

[howls]

I'm a werewolf, bitch!

I'm sharpenin' my nails on the ground.

I sharpen my nails on the ground.

Yeah, I'm about to scratch your face and give you infections!

Dawn, stop!

I got this!

Ain't nobody punkin' us!

Listen, how about you just give me insurance information--

[grunts]

Oh!

[blows]

[screams]

-[man screams] -[Dawn grunts]

-Ooh, get 'em, Dawn! Get 'em! -[grunting]

-[grunting] -Ooh.

[man grunting]

Don't you ever mess with my family!

Oh, you think this is a game?

Go deep, bitch!

[laughs]

Boo!

[Dawn] Boo-yah! [laughs]

I did it! I did it!

-[Alan groans] -Alan?

Mm.

[Alan cries]

-Alan? -Oh... my God.

-[crying] -[Russell] You think he's dead?

No, dead people don't cry.

I think he broke my nose.

-You should probably see a doctor. -Mm-hmm. Oh, yeah.

-Right? -Definitely.

[cries]

Ow!

[lock clattering]

[Spanish accent] Housekeeping!

Habla Inglés?

Oh, sookie, sookie now.

How'd a sucka like you get a fox like that?

See, now I know you got money. Where the money at?

[sniffing]

Oh!

[sucks teeth]

Yeah, I'mma cut this conk off,

and I'mma take this sucka's identity and his bitch.

I just need some clippers and some vinegar.

-[razor turns on] -[chuckles]

[humming]

Oh, my gosh, Alan!

[Marie laughs]

Hey! Surprise!

-I'm so glad you're home! -Babe, good to see you.

[Ethan] Oh!

Oh! I missed...

-Hey, baby. -Hey. Oh, oh!

-Alan! [laughs] -Hmm?

-You never use tongue. -Well, you know I'm tryin'...

-Alan. -...to change it up, baby girl.

-[laughs] -Girl, look at you.

-You look good. -Oh, thank you.

You look about six months pregnant in the stomach,

and about nine months pregnant back there.

[chuckles] Oh, and we're gonna be late for class.

Wait.

Is that the sweater my mom got you for your birthday?

You hate that thing.

Girl, don't be tryin' to hate on my love. This is swag.

All the real players wore Coogi. Come on.

Biggie, Snoop, and then that Cosby put it on

and put a whole stank connotation on it. You know what I mean?

Why are you talkin' like that?

Why am I talkin' like what?

Like a 1970's pimp.

Aw, sh-- Thank you.

Oh, my gosh, Alan. Please tell me that gold cap's a temp.

-This right here? -Uh-huh.

That's the real thing. That's eight carat gold-plated.

Yeah, a little bit of mercury up in there.

Sometimes I... suck it and it make me a little dizzy.

-Okay. We're gonna be late. We gotta go. -Okay, but wait, wait. Where are we goin'?

Breastfeeding class.

-A class with breasts? -Yes.

Yes. It's the last one before the baby comes, remember?

-Oh, I'm gonna get an "A" in this. -Come on.

[chuckles] I'm coming!

[woman speaks indistinctly over PA]

Okay, hold tight. We're gonna get you out of here. This might sting a bit.

Man, after what I've been through the past 72 hours,

I can pretty much handle anything--

-[bones crack] -[screams]

Oh, I should punch you in the throat!

Yeah, you're gonna need surgery.

Ideally, before the nose resets.

-[sighs] -Go visit your brother.

We'll grab you once an OR opens up.

Hey! Don't touch me.

[Baby Pete] So, I had three open-heart surgeries before I was 11.

[Russell scoffs] And I complained to Mother about a toothache.

All I had was a cavity.

Seven feet of my intestines taken out by the time I was 21.

I got both knees replaced,

and I said to my doctor, I said, "Doc,

is this gonna affect my NBA career?"

[all laugh]

[laughs]

You's a trip, BP. You could've been a stand-up comedian

if you wasn't gonna die in, like, three days,

and you could stand up.

[Baby Pete] Girl, you gonna make me die laughin' with your big self.

-It's a cold world, Dawn. -Yes, it is.

Alan!

Hey!

Hey, bro-bro.

-[Alan] Baby Pete. -Hey, Alan.

-[Dawn] Aw, look at this. Oh! -How you doin'?

[grunts] Come on, brother. Come here, give me some love.

Oh, it's so good to meet you.

That's what's up. Black love.

It's so sweet.

My God! [inhales deeply]

The resemblance is crazy.

We look like twins!

It-- it's uncanny.

Uh, except for that busted-ass nose.

Yeah, I...

-I don't-- -Don't we look alike?

Y'all look like twinsies.

Like, the upper arms,

the chest--

-Yeah, the hair. Like, the hair follicles. -[Dawn] Uh-huh.

And even in the legs. Y'all got them...

them chicken-wing legs, the ones that look like this.

This part of the chicken wing. Both y'all got the same little chicken wing leg.

-[Alan] Really? -We all see it. Them legs is same.

-Same legs. -Uh, okay.

-All right. -I see it.

Let's... let's not talk about the looks. Let's talk about what's important.

And that is... how do you feel, huh?

Oh, not bad for a guy on his deathbed.

[laughs]

-That... That ain't funny. -Completely inappropriate, Alan.

Just 'cause he look like a little voodoo doll

don't mean you get to make fun of him.

Oh, um... sorry.

But you do give me the heebie-jeebies.

'Cause my skin been crawlin' since I been here.

Like a little dehydrated Smurf.

You know, they're threatenin' to amputate my right arm.

[scoffs]

Thank God I can throw with both.

[all] Me too!

-No way! -That's so...

-Yeah? -Really?

-Wow, this-- -This is crazy!

-Our genetics is strong. -Oh, my God!

You know, I just want to thank you for comin',

from the bottom of my enlarged heart.

I just knew one day,

a miracle's gonna walk right through that door.

I just wanna thank God.

God is good. Makes me wanna scream His name and say,

♪ "God!" ♪

♪ Holy do it! ♪

I pray to him,

and he makes my cereal cupeth runneth overeth.

Dr. Williams! Hey.

-Hey! How you doin', Doc? -Alan! Wow.

-Nice to meet you. -Wow, what a wonderful thing

you're doin' for Baby Pete, Alan.

You are a hero.

Ah, it's no big deal, you know?

I mean, it's a bit of a drive, but--

Still. Not every day that a long-lost family member appears out of thin air

to donate a kidney.

You said what?

[stammers] Now, Alan, it's just a simple procedure.

You'll be out of here in a few days.

A few days?

As long as there are no complications. But hey, you get the honor

of saving your brother's life.

Right? I just need you to sign this release.

Doc, I don't care about him.

-I don't know him. -Sure you do.

-You lyin', Alan. -[doctor] You're so funny.

I don't know this little--

Why does it gotta be me?

Why you gotta take my kidney? Why don't you take one of theirs?

Well, apparently, I'm "medically obese," so, it counts me out.

And don't look at me, 'cause I sniffed way too much laptop cleaner,

and I popped a Molly yesterday.

I want some Molly.

What's Molly?

Okay. [sighs]

Alan, I get it. You're scared.

I was scared when I had my first colonic.

He put a finger in my butt,

-I felt-- But-- -No, no... That's not--

Okay.

-Baby Pete? -Mm-hmm.

I wanna help you.

-Okay. -You're my brother.

For another three days to a week.

[coughs]

When he die, I'm just gonna take his little dead body

and put it on a key chain,

like a rabbit's foot.

Look, guys. I'm about to become a dad.

And if something happens to me,

then my child will grow up without a father.

And that already happened to me.

And you.

So, no. I'm sorry. I-I can't do it.

You, sir, are a monster!

That is not fair.

He's too young to die.

Take part of me, instead.

Just not my kidneys.

-Say what? -Move, Dawn.

Oh, you ain't about nothin'.

I can't believe I fought those two rednecks for you.

You started that fight!

Ugh, you make me sick.

Ugh.

Uh, look, Alan.

I'm high on the donor's list.

The doctor's say I have a 0.001 chance.

Yeah, [stammers] that's a chance.

-Mr. Daniels. -Hey.

An OR just became available.

We are ready to take care of that nose.

-Okay. Be careful. -All right.

-Looks like it's setting sideways. -Ow!

Just need you to sign these release forms.

Here you go, Doc.

Aw, thanks, Baby Pete.

Ah, no problem, bro.

Baby Pete, I'm... I'm sorry.

Don't worry about it, Alan.

[chuckles]

Everything happens for a reason.

Be strong, okay?

Bye.

You'll always be with me.

And let go of all that negative energy.

Let go, and create a cocoon of positivity,

-for your beautiful baby. -All right, move on.

The sun, the moon, and the stars. Let's get to the titties, you know?

Let's-- That's what we're here for, right?

-Let's... Let's pull them suckers out. -[clears throat]

-Alan. -Did I say that out loud?

-Yes. -My bad.

Sorry.

Now...

before you expose the nipple,

we want to be careful.

-Hey! Hey! Excuse me! -Huh?

Absolutely no photos!

-Jesus, stop it! -I just want one picture for the 'Gram.

[instructor] No! Do I have to ask you to leave?

-[Marie] What's gotten into you? -I ain't been feelin' well all day.

-[sniffs] Do you-- Is that Hennessy? -That's cognac, but it ain't Hennessy.

[clears throat, mutters indistinctly]

Now, latching is everything.

I just wanna volunteer if anybody needs help with latching.

-That's it, sir. You have to leave. -[people murmuring]

Man, y'all a bunch of prudes in this class.

-Hold on-- Girl, this is Coogi! The Coo-- -[Marie] Mm-mm.

Who the hell are you?

Baby, why you trippin'? I'm Alan.

You're Ethan.

Or Jaspar. You know what? It doesn't matter.

You know what? I-- I am Alan.

Says right here on my ID.

See? That's Alan.

-Oh, hell no. -That's me.

Oh, my goodness.

See, smilin'. Who you callin'? Wait, who you callin'?

I'm callin' the police.

-You can't call the po-po! -Yes, I can!

-Who are you, Barbecue Becky? -I will be.

-Are you Permit Patty? -Try me.

Okay. [stammers] Let a brother explain.

You've got five seconds.

[sighs]

All right. Okay, here's the thing.

I'm Ethan.

That's what I thought.

I had got an email from Alan saying he wanted to find a family,

and he sound real sentimental, like a little sad sack,

so he sound vulnerable to me,

so I was like, "Boom, let me get his identity."

So, I was gonna procure a small business loan

because Alan got good credit.

Like, he got white credit. See, I see why you was with him, sister.

Wait, so you were gonna steal my husband's identity?

I'mma be real with you. I know I look rich with this old gold tooth in my mouth,

that says, "Money, money, money!"

But that's not the case, okay? I...

[sighs] I'm flat broke.

Yeah, I lost my business a couple of months ago.

-As what? A thief? -[Ethan] Girl, I am legitimate.

I own a nail salon.

I do acrylics, gels, silks.

[chuckles] This place be magical.

Oh, really? Then what was it called?

"This Place Be Magical."

And why should I believe you?

Look here, did I hustle in the streets my whole life?

Yes. Ain't nobody picked me up from the State home.

So, you were never in a foster home?

No, ma'am.

Oh, my God. I'm...

-I'm so sorry-- -I'm good. I'm not... Stop that.

I'm good. You know? I'm happy I did, you know?

-Okay. -'Cause it... it made me who I am.

And I gotta tell ya, nail art?

Bam!

[chuckles] It was poppin'!

Until the landlord wanna break my lease without warnin'.

Oh, well that's not legal. Any decent lawyer could tell you that.

Girl, I can't afford no damn lawyer. What's wrong with you?

What's your tenant ID?

Hmm?

Only one phone call.

You gonna make me blush, and I'm black, and it's gonna look weird.

[machine beeps]

[heart monitor beeps steadily]

[woman] All right, Alan, you're all set.

Okay.

-Tell the doc to make it pretty. -[woman] Sure.

[stammering] Uh, what's that?

It's to relax you. I don't think you're gonna wanna be awake for this.

Okay, that's a good point.

Oh, wow.

This that stuff Lil Wayne have in his cup.

Dr. Williams?

That's me.

I thought the other doctor was...

Didn't... Another doctor's gonna be workin' on my... fix...

What's this thing called?

-Nose? Yes. -Yeah.

Yes, we're doing that as well.

-You got a nose. -I do.

You may wanna back off the dose a little bit.

Nurse, you got a... You got a big nose.

Okay, everything's in order. Let's get him marked up.

[laughing]

So, we will go in through the naval, laproscopically.

Then, through the incision point, we will remove the kidney

and transplant it in Baby Pete.

[gasps]

[screaming]

[Dr. Williams] Alan! Alan!

[crying]

-Ethan? -[Ethan] Mm-hmm.

Um, have you seen my necklace,

the one with the diamond pendant?

-Wow! -Oh, the one with the diamond p--

Oh, you-- you-- you talkin' about this right here?

I was just, um, holdin' it for you. I was cleanin' it, actually.

You-- You know, you need to invest in a safe. Uh...

A less legitimate brother might've stole this from you.

But I ain't that type of dude. You know what I'm sayin'?

It's beautiful.

-Oh, oh! -[Marie] Look at this.

-Ain't no thang but a chicken wang. -[gasps]

You know, that's how I do.

You know, I just like to paint. It's just somethin' I do.

That color right there, that's a tough one. That's...

That's Nose Candy White.

And all the hoochies love that one, you know?

Behind Black Bitch, Big Booty Brown, and Ratchet Raspberry.

But I... I thought it was a little inappropriate

to paint the baby's room Black Bitch.

I mean, unless of course, it's a girl. Then, you know... it may work.

[crying] Thank you.

And I-I just wanna take this time to thank you for what you've done,

'cause, you know, throughout my life, ain't nobody really ever

done me or treated me like-- Shit!

-[grunts] -Oh, Ethan.

What I... What I'm tryin' to say...

Not many people really give a fuck...

about me.

[Ethan grunts]

One second. [inhales deeply]

What I'm tryin' to say is that, you know, I had a hard...

hard... [breathing heavily]

-[Marie] It's okay. -Hard life...

[mumbling]

[inhales deeply]

[exhales]

You're a good woman, you know?

You're kind, you got most of your hair.

-Thank you. -Hey, look, Alan's a lucky man.

-[chuckles] -Yeah.

-Oh! -Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah! He's--

-Ooh. -Look, 'cause I had some devious plans.

-I'm just keepin' it real. -Uh-huh.

-You know? What happened? Is... -[Marie chuckles]

-It's kicking. -[Ethan] It's kicking?

Oh, you want me to kick it back?

-Oh, no, no, no. It's okay. -Okay.

Oh, you got your little-- Girl, I just-- I could teach him some stuff.

-I know Wu-Tang and-- -Really?

Yeah, and Wong Chang and Chang Wong.

-Yeah, Ethan knows it. -I can teach your baby to kick.

We could teach him to slap.

Ain't nobody was better at slap boxin'. I'd slap the shit out them white boys.

[keyboard keys clacking]

[man over PA] Blue team to ICU, please. Blue team, ICU.

[heart monitor beeps steadily]

[grunts]

Where am I?

Take it easy, Alan.

You've been out of surgery for several hours.

One less kidney, but your nose is back to normal.

One less...

[gasps]

-[screaming] -Okay, calm down.

-It's fine. Deep breaths. -Where is he?

-No, no. -Where is he?

-I'm going to kill this little-- Oh! -Sir, please, no!

-You need to take it easy! -Take it easy?!

The boy took my kidney!

I need my kidney.

I don't know what for, but I need it! Can you put it back?

No. That's ridiculous.

-Stay in bed. -[groans]

Okay, where is he? Where's Baby Pete?

On a flight to Havana.

He took my kidney to a communist country?

He took a Medi-Jet this afternoon.

He started a crowdfunding page for his post-op.

Raised $200,000. People really love that guy.

I hate that guy! I'm gonna kill him.

-Where's my keys? Where are my keys? -Oh!

Well, your sister left you this.

"IOU $10,000

and one car.

You my boo thang four life. Dawn."

[inhales]

You don't spell "for" F-O-U-R, you ignoramus!

Didn't they teach you English in jail?!

All right. You stay there, and I'm gonna get the doctor.

[Alan] Okay.

[door opens]

I'm gonna kill these people! All of 'em.

You gave him your kidney?

Well, I didn't give it to him. He stole it.

Ow!

Well, [stammering] are you okay?

[Alan] No, I'm not okay.

Only good thing is they fixed my broken nose.

Broken nose? What-- What the hell is goin' on over there?

I don't know. I had all these dreams, Marie,

about us bein' a family and I finally have somethin' to bring to the table.

But you know what I learned about family?

They take.

They take your money, they take your car... [groans]

they take your kidney.

Look. I don't know exactly what's going on over there,

but you need to get your shit together!

-But baby, it's not me! You don't unders-- -No, no, no! I wanted you

to find your family, to help you fill that void.

And up till this very moment,

-I have been supportive of you. -[Alan] Yes, but...

M-Marie, you don't understand.

It's not me, it's these people, this-- this family!

They screw everything up.

[Marie] No, Alan, it is you who is screwing everything up

with the family you have right here!

I'm having your baby.

And you need to bring your ass home, or don't bother coming home at all!

That might be the hormones talking, I'm not really sure.

-Marie, baby, you don-- -Just bring your ass home!

-[call disconnects] -[sighs]

Excuse me.

Yo!

Uber!

Hey.

Are you for Alan?

Uh, no, Elaine.

-Damn it. -[Russell] Hey, Alan!

Where do you think you're goin'?

The doctor was pretty insistent that you stay here for at least a week.

You know, Alan, I've been thinking.

That was a pretty incredible thing you did for Baby Pete.

Who gives their kidney to somebody he just met?

Yeah, but then again, I did you give you my second-to-last hard candy, so...

I guess we both sacrificed, huh? Heroes.

I'm goin' home.

[Russell] Seriously?

I really woulda wish I had known that was the case.

I just said goodbye to Dawn.

Yeah, but I'm pretty sure she would've taken us back, though.

"Us"?

Did you just say "us"?

Yeah, Alan. I'm not gonna abandon you after you had a major surgery.

Russell...

there is no "us".

This trip is over.

I'm goin' home.

Alone.

Wait, so you're just gonna leave without me?

[scoffs]

We're brothers!

You're gonna make me say it, huh?

Don't hit me.

I never wanna see you again!

I don't wanna be in a car with you,

or any enclosed space, with you or that supposed family,

for the rest of my...

now-shortened life.

Let's just go back to pretending that neither of us even exist.

Is that clear enough for you, Russell?

[man] Alan.

-Finally. -[screams]

[grunts]

I don't know him! I'll use my warning whistle!

[whistling]

[tires skid]

[Alan panting]

[Alan grunting]

[continues panting]

Hey.

This is my house.

Who the hell would bring us here?

[man] I understand...

you're looking for me.

[gasps]

-What the hell are you doin'? -I'm playing dead.

This way, he sees you're alive, he'll kill you first,

buy me time to plot my escape.

[man] And now...

you will regret...

that you have...

found...

me.

Jaspar?

In the flesh.

Revive him.

-[electricity crackles] -[screams]

[pants] Oh! That made my nipples dance.

[shudders] I thought I was a goner.

Thank you, kind sir, for saving my life.

-I'm forever indebted-- -Enough of the buffoonery!

Y-You know, despite the obvious...

we look exactly alike.

You and I? Hardly.

Us?

Negative.

You two, however...

[chuckles] It's uncanny.

Twinsies.

I find it ironic that I...

am the black sheep of the family.

-Laugh! -[laughs]

[laughing]

I didn't... I didn't get it.

[whispers] Laugh, Russell. [laughs]

[laughing]

[Russell] Get it? [laughs]

'Cause he's really light-skinned and yellow,

like jaundiced chicken or something.

[Russell laughs]

Oh. That's not funny.

You know, growing up, I...

I never quite fit in.

Oh, Lord. Here we go.

A black kid, light skin, red hair.

I was called all kind of terrible, derogatory names.

"Strawberry Shortcake."

"The Butterscotch Kid."

"Little Orphan Annie."

I have to admit...

it was a hard-knock life.

[awkward laugh]

They called me "ninger."

You know what a "ninger" is?

It's an "n"-word and a ginger, mixed.

It's good, it's good.

You throw two derogatory terms together and you make me a "ninger"?

[growls]

But despite the odds, I found my place...

[shuddering breaths]

in the world.

You see, gentlemen,

I collect sensitive information for high net-worth individuals,

and the government,

and I've run the occasional offshore black site,

but that was just really for my entertainment.

[laughs]

[stammers] So, you're a spy?

Officially, I don't exist.

[exhales]

Cool!

Yet, your wife...

[chuckles]

called The Pentagon about me, seven times.

She's just persistent.

And that raises red flags, Alan.

I don't like red flags.

Gonna have to agree with Jaspar on that one.

Red flags are not good.

Would you shut the fuck up?

You shut up. [inhales deeply]

Why are you...

trying...

[yelling] to find me?

I-I just wanted to meet my family, so I tracked down our birth mother,

but she was dead.

-That's the truth! -Lies!

He has a really juicy mouth, right?

-I gotta teach you the hard way. -[stammers] What's that? What's that box?

-[Jaspar] Liar, liar... -[stammers] I'm not lying! I swear.

-What's that? What's that? -...pants on fire.

You gonna attach that to my balls? Wait, wait, wait!

Okay, listen. I'm not lyin'.

I'm having a baby!

You won't have no baby no more.

And Russell, well,

-he got so much TV left to watch. -I do.

I don't think he's seen anything after 1984.

Television. Huh.

So, uh, what's your favorite show?

Ooh.

The Rockford Files.

Oh!

Rockford Files.

-Mm-hmm. -[Jaspar] Here's a fun fact.

I am the largest collector of Rockford memorabilia

this side of the Western Hemisphere!

Impressive.

[Jaspar] In fact...

I own the original picture car.

Braggart.

Y-You know, Russell owns the only existing copy

of the operating manual for that car.

Don't you, Russell?

Does he?

Some stupid rich guy keeps trying to get it from me,

and I tell him, "No, idiot."

You're the one.

-Oh, it's you. -Uh-oh.

I've been lookin' for that.

-I'm gonna fry your fat balls! -I-I-I... Wait. Hold on.

Listen, I can vocalize the theme song to Rockford Files with near perfect pitch.

Who cares?

[vocalizing]

Take it away, Alan!

[Alan and Russell vocalizing]

Oh. [imitates drums]

["Rockford Files" instrumental theme plays]

Take it away, Jack!

[imitates harmonica]

[Russell imitates harmonica]

[vocalizing]

[Alan imitates guitar]

[scatting]

[Alan imitates synthesizer]

[laughs]

Ow!

Let 'em go! Untie 'em!

-Thank you. -[Jaspar scatting]

[Jaspar chuckles]

And to think, I was gonna kill ya.

But you still haven't told me the truth!

-[screams] -Wh-whoa!

What are you doin'? This is crazy!

"Crazy" is being raised

in a State home

by government psychiatrists that lie about who you are!

Okay, that's crazy.

Never feeling the embrace of your mother.

Not one frickin' hug, Alan.

[sobs] Not one.

Well, as the only one here who has received the embrace of his mother,

I'll tell you, hugs are overrated

and a breeding ground for diseases.

[whispering] Shut the hell up!

Besides, Mama smells weird.

Like moth balls and used floss string.

Now it's time...

to say your goodbyes.

Jaspar, please.

Bye, Alan.

-[cocks gun] -Please, please, please.

-[gasps] -[door closes]

What in the highest heavens is goin' on?

Russell, I know this ain't no party,

'cause you ain't got no damn friends.

Aw, Mother.

What're you doing home?

Mother?

Yeah, there was an E. coli outbreak on the cruise ship,

so they let us off in Ensenada.

Now, somebody need to start talkin' before I get my belt.

Or worse, my shotgun.

I-I thought you was dead.

That's news to me.

I'm Alan.

I'm your son.

My Lord. Alan?

Oh, my God. My baby?

Look at you. You all growed up.

So tall and handsome.

You look just like your brother. [sniffles]

I told you. Twinsies.

Same hairline and everything.

Oh, it's uncanny!

Oh, so good to see you. Come here.

-Oh! -[Alan gasping]

-Feels so good to have you in my arms! -[muffled] Mom...

-It's been so long. -[Alan gasping]

Hey, Alan, you smell it? You smell the moth balls and the dentures?

Just breathe them bosom scents. Yes!

-[Alan grunting] -Okay, okay, that's enough, Mother.

[strained gasping]

[coughs]

I just got carried away.

-[Jaspar wailing] -[Alan sniffs]

Who stepped on a cat?

[wailing]

Oh, Jaspar.

[shuddering breaths]

Oh, my Lord. Jaspar?

[crying] Yes, Mother.

I'd recognize that face anywhere.

You do? Oh, Mother!

Oh, you got all the Irish in you, boy.

One thirty-fourth.

Look at you with all them beautiful pink undertones,

with your honey-almond complexion.

Look at my lilttle redbone. Mm-mm.

[yells] Now, put that goddamn gun down,

-'fore I spank the pink out yo ass! -I'm sorry, Mother. I'm so sorry.

Who the hell you think you are?

I've been a bad boy.

Yes, you have.

I think I need a whooping.

You could just spank me all over my little red tushie.

[Jaspar whines]

-Oh, baby. -Oh, Mother.

It's not your fault, honey.

It's not your fault.

Oh, Mother. Your big man hands.

Mama should've know something like this was gonna happen.

[shuddering breaths] You all were just babies when I...

[crying] dropped you off like an old bag of dirty clothes.

I was young.

A single mom with six babies. No husband.

[inhales deeply] No family.

I had no one.

It's such a stereotype.

It's okay.

[inhales deeply] 'Cause now all y'all have each other.

Thanks to you, Alan.

So, why would you tell me she was dead?

All right, Alan, listen.

When you said you were my brother, I panicked.

I thought you was trying to take Mother from me.

Oh, baby.

So, why would you come along?

When I found out there was more of you...

Well, "us"...

I had to see for myself.

And, well...

since we hit the road together,

I've done things I've only seen on television.

[sighs]

Alan...

these past few days...

were the greatest of my life.

[inhales deeply] And I know I'm not the family that you wanted...

But you're the family I got.

Wow.

This remind me of all those classic sitcom finales.

[inhales deeply] Make you feel all warm and tingly inside.

[laughs]

Bros?

Bros.

[Lynette] Look at my baby.

I'm so glad y'all made up, 'cause I was about to make y'all kiss on the mouth.

-That's how we do. -I want a kiss on the mouth.

Well, Mom, I guess if I'm gonna have a first kiss,

-why not it be Alan? -No!

I always thought it was gonna be with Tootie from Facts of Life.

-[cell phone vibrates] -I never thought my first kiss

-would be with my brother. Ready? -Excuse me.

Marie. You're not gonna believe this,

but I was on my way home, and I got kidnapped. Crazy, ri--

-[Marie] My water broke. -Your what?

My water broke!

[stammers] You gotta get to the hospital.

I got you a long t-shirt that says, "Mom Hair, Don't Care."

All I need is some weed 'cause I'm a little stressed.

Alan, get back here! Do you hear me?

I'm havin' the baby!

[yells] Get back here!

-[line disconnects] -O-Okay.

It's Marie.

She's in labor.

The baby's comin'!

-Oh, wow! -Yippee!

Lord, God is good. I'm gonna be a grandma!

I'm gonna be an uncle! Uncle Russell.

Terrible name.

Hey, Alan.

Take my car.

Thanks...

bro.

I'll stay with Mother. Maybe get that hug.

Oh, that's so sweet of you, baby.

If you scratch it, I'll kill ya.

[laughs] I was just joshin'.

[laughs]

No, I'm not.

Come on, Alan. Let's ride!

Come on, Russell. Come on!

-Bye, Mom! -Bye, Mom!

And make sure you change your underwear. You know you got that high-wipe!

Oh, shit!

A gold 1976 Pontiac Firebird Esprit!

The same one driven in...

[both] The Rockford Files!

-Come on, Russell. Let's go. -No, Alan.

I'll drive.

[keys jangling]

[scatting]

Hood slide!

[grunting]

Russell!

I'm okay.

What are you doing?

I always wanted to do that.

You're on the wrong side.

Oh.

Buckle up.

'Cause we're about to take off!

[engine turns over]

[tires squeal]

Sorry, Miss Gallagher!

[accelerates]

Keep it between the lines, Russell!

Yeah, well, there's only so much you could learn from a manual, Alan.

[tires squeal]

[tires skid]

Go around. Go around 'em!

[tires squeal]

-[siren wails] -Uh-oh! Here comes the fuzz.

Russell, go! Go, go, go!

[siren wailing]

[tires skid]

[accelerating]

["Two Dragons" plays]

Don't worry, Alan. They'll never take us alive!

That's the idea! Let's go!

Well, they won't take you alive, but I'm gonna surrender. Sorry.

[tires squeal]

[siren wailing]

[accelerates]

[tires skidding]

[tires squeal]

Hold on, Alan!

-Aah! -[tires skidding]

[accelerates]

Watch out, coming through!

-[tires skid] -Watch the car!

-[Alan] Oh! -Move!

[tires skid]

Alan, all these cars are going the wrong way!

No, you're goin' the wrong way!

-[tires skid] -[screams]

My bad!

[tires squeal]

This is like Dukes of Hazzard without the racist car.

[tires squeal]

-All right, Alan. Hospital's coming up! -Okay.

I'm gonna slow down a little, and I need you to tuck and roll.

What? You want me to jump out of a moving car?

It worked for Jim Rockford every time!

I ain't Rockford!

[tires skid]

[accelerating]

Now, do it! Go!

-[Alan screams] -Whoo!

[grunts]

Oh!

It worked. [groans]

[tires skid]

[tires squeal]

Not today, fuzz.

[accelerating]

[gasps]

[tires skidding]

Aah!

[tires squeal]

That was a J-turn! I did a J-turn!

Go!

[siren wailing]

[tires skid]

Eat my dust, copper!

[tires squeal]

[siren wails]

[tires squeal]

[panting] I'm looking for my wife, Marie Daniels?

-Right in there. -Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

[Ethan] Doc, you got the good angle.

Alan! Glad you could join us.

Alan!

-Baby's a little early, but it looks good. -Oh!

Your brother's been a big help.

Ethan?

-What's up, bro? -You're doing great, Marie.

Keep breathing.

Wow! The resemblance is...

[both] uncanny.

Man, we look just alike!

I mean, if somebody just... [inhales sharply]

sucked all the cool out of me,

and I was a law-abiding citizen,

and I didn't kick puppies,

-or try to drown goldfish. -[Marie] Hey!

-I'm having a baby here. If you could... -Oh, hey. Hey, honey.

-Baby. -[PA beeps] Code Red.

-Code Red. -Hi, baby.

Labor and Delivery is locked down under police order.

Okay. Not to make it weird, but I'mma need you to speed things up.

I may be spendin' the first year of the baby's life in prison.

-What? -No biggie.

-No biggie. It's okay, baby. -[groans]

Damn. It's the po-po.

Fo sho-sho.

Why is the po-po after you?

Uh, speeding, reckless driving, possible vehicular assault.

We was in a high-speed chase.

Oh! [laughs] Respects, my G.

-What? -It's okay, we got away.

Well, almost.

-[door rattles] -[Marie groans]

You know what? Look here.

You gotta be here for Marie and that baby.

I'mma need your pants.

My pants?

[woman] You are doing so good. You're doing great.

Hey, Ethan.

Thank you so much, man. I really appreciate this.

Hey, man. Ain't no thang but a chicken wang.

We family, right?

Hey, about that partnership at work?

You welcome.

[snickers]

[sucks teeth] You feel me?

Oh! Gross.

-Hey, hey. -[shuddering breaths]

-[Marie] Hi, baby. -Hey, Ponch! John!

Come get your boy. Come on.

-[grunts] -[both] Oh!

[yells]

Okay. Oh, hey, hey. Hey, okay, okay.

-[deep breaths] -Okay, I'm here. Listen, listen.

I just want to say I'm so sorry.

Okay, I got so caught up meetin' my new family,

I forgot to appreciate the one I have right here at home.

I will never do it again, I promise.

I'm pretty sure when the drugs wear off,

I'm gonna be so mad at you, and I'mma wanna bang you in the face.

[crying] But I'm just so happy to have you here.

Always. Always.

All right, Marie. I can see the head.

Just give me one more push.

-Okay. Okay. -Ready? Come on, we'll breathe.

One, two, three.

[deep breaths]

-Push! -Come on.

[yells]

[hip hop plays]

[people chattering]

[Russell] I watch a lot of Murder, She Wrote on this new iPad.

-Hey, Douglas. -It's like having a TV in your pocket.

Babies, be careful!

Now, you know there's avocado in that nine-month layer dip.

-I knew it. I knew it. -[spitting]

-[retches] -That is just nasty.

What the hell?

Gross.

And why the hell is there nine layers in a dip?

Everybody know dip only supposed to have seven layers.

[Dawn] True.

-After that, you just repeating. -Worse than being waterboarded.

That's white people dip.

Now, Ethan, hush your mouth. You know these negroes are bougie.

And Russell, you be careful. It makes you colic-y.

-[Dawn] Eww. -Okay, Mom.

[Dawn] Why you wearing corduroy?

-You make my balls stink. -[Russell] Stop, Dawn.

-I want to play Candy Land. -Welcome to Wakanda!

[laughs]

[stammers] Uh, baby, I think I should do somethin' about the dip.

Who doesn't like avocado?

Oh, that's a family trait.

[chuckles] That's right, baby.

I'll help you, Mom.

-Want to take her? -Yeah.

-She's all yours. -I got her.

[Ethan] Hey, where the Domino's at?

What kind of black barbecue ain't got no damn Domino's?

Looks like I brought a little bit more to the table than you thought, huh?

Well, a couple of 'em look like they should be in jail.

-Hey, man! -Candy Land!

Yes, let's do this!

[all speaking indistinctly]

[Alan chuckles]

Should be? A couple of them have been.

But you know what? That's my family.

And I'm gonna teach this little girl to love her family unconditionally.

[baby coos]

Bro, I just want to thank you from the bottom of my heart

for what you did for this family.

-You gonna be an amazing daddy. -Thank you.

Even though our father wasn't shit.

Aw, thanks, Dawn. That was almost emotional.

Now, as for you, Uncle Ben.

Let me tell you somethin'. I don't care what kind of judge you are,

Judge Judy, Judge Reinhold,

Ashley Judge,

it don't make no difference to me.

Don't be throwin' shade at my brother, okay?

'Cause I don't mind goin' to jail.

-I like jail. -Uh, easy there, easy now.

For life, bro.

For life.

-For life, sis. -That's how we do.

-Look at me. I'm watchin' you. -[grunts]

I-I think she just threatened me, Alan.

Oh, that sounded more like a promise.

[chuckles] You want me to tell her back off?

Well, if you would be so kind. I mean...

Are you askin' me for a favor?

-Uh... what? -You know, 'cause it sounded like a favor.

Oh, no. Just... just a gesture, a kind gesture on your part.

Well, if you're askin' me for a favor, I'd like to hear it.

[stammering]

Dawn!

As a favor to me, would you ask her to back off, Alan?

[chuckles]

I got you.

Hey, Alan! Quick, come here!

Baby Pete wants to say "hi" to his niece.

And you could say "hi" to your kidney.

Come on, bring that little nappyhead baby on over here!

Oh, leave that baby alone.

-All right, I'm comin', I'm comin'! -Wait, wait, let me... Let me hold her.

-Give my regards to Peter. -Hi, Pee-pee!

Hey, Pee-pee.

Aw, man, she got my face.

Yeah, and your height.

[all laugh]

Salud!

[slurping]

Are you drinking with my kidney?

Oh, get over it, Alan. You ain't gettin' it back!

I'mma take it back.

Oh, you got to find me first!

[all laugh]

I know exactly where he's at. His coordinates are right here.

I've a drone in the area. Want me to send in a strike?

-I will, I could do it. -Hey, Mama.

Oh, my Lord.

Is that my Baby Pete?

Hey, Mama!

Got all my babies together at the same time?

Oh, Lord heard my prayer. [sniffles]

I went to church Sunday through Wednesday for this moment.

[all] Mama! Mama!

Mama's good now. Mama's good. I'm just overwhelmed with emotion.

If she dies, I get the jewelry.

She's just feelin' the spirit of the Lord.

I'm gettin' emotional here. [sniffles]

[humming]

Family photo time, y'all!

If it's not on the 'Gram, it's a scam!

Now, come on, babies. Come on.

Ow!

Thank you.

What'd you hit me for?

It's not nice. I'm tellin' Mother.

Mother! Ethan hit me!

I hate having brothers and sisters.

I want to be an only child again!

Bring it on in, fam. Bring it on in.

Russell, Russell, pay attention.

I want to see everybody in there. Miss Lynette, bring it in.

This reminds me of the school picture episode of Eight Is Enough

-where a young Nicholas Bradford-- -[all] Shut the hell up!

Hush!

[Dawn groans]

You shut up.

Not you, Mom.

Okay, on three, two, one...

-Family! -[blows raspberry]

["My House" plays]

♪ Welcome to my house ♪

♪ Baby, take control now ♪

♪ We can't even slow down ♪

♪ We don't have to go out ♪

♪ Welcome to my house ♪

♪ Welcome to my house ♪

♪ Morning comes And you know that you wanna stay ♪

♪ Close the blinds Let's pretend that the time has changed ♪

♪ Keep our clothes on the floor Open up champagne ♪

♪ Let's continue tonight Come on, celebrate ♪

-♪ That's how we do it ♪ -♪ Sometimes you gotta stay in, in ♪

♪ Welcome to my house ♪

-♪ Baby, take control now ♪ -♪ Now ♪

♪ We can't even slow down ♪

♪ We don't have to go out ♪

♪ Welcome to my house ♪

-♪ Play that music too loud ♪ -♪ Turn it up, turn it up ♪

-♪ Show me what you do now ♪ -♪ Show me now ♪

-♪ We don't have to go out ♪ -♪ Go out ♪

♪ Welcome to my duck off the crib The spot, the pad ♪

♪ But my house is your house If you throwin' it back ♪

♪ Excuse me if my home bringing the sad ♪

♪ Soon as these happy faces lay You can run with the cash ♪

♪ Home run, slam dunk, touchdown, pass ♪

♪ Mi casa es tu casa So it ain't no holding back ♪

♪ Another shot of vodka You know what's in my glass ♪

♪ It's my house, just relax ♪

♪ Welcome to my house ♪

-♪ Play that music too loud ♪ -♪ Turn it up ♪

♪ Show me what you do now ♪

-♪ We don't have to go out ♪ -♪ Go out ♪

♪ We ain't gotta go out, 'cause what? ♪

♪ Welcome to my house ♪

♪ It's my house, my house ♪

♪ What? What? ♪

♪ Welcome to my house ♪

[echoing] ♪ It's my house ♪

[instrumental music plays]