Original subtitles

There's this theory.

Given an infinite universe and infinite time,

all things will happen.

That means that every event is inevitable,

including those that are impossible.

That's as good an explanation for all this as anything else.

Now, a lot of stories start in bars,

so that's where we're going to start this one.

Not because I was there-- I wasn't--

but because it's a damn good introduction

to a very unique fellow.

Legends of every major culture

all contain some sort of character

whose purpose is to Grant wishes,

except America's.

The arabs have genies; The Irish have leprechauns.

The Chinese have dragons and monkeys.

The Europeans have fairies and wood sprites.

But what do we have?

Um, Santa claus?

Santa claus just brings presents.

He doesn't Grant wishes.

Satan. He grants wishes.

Zack, Satan predates American culture,

and he doesn't Grant wishes.

He makes deals.

All right, I give up.

Who do we have here?

No one.

That's my thesis.

Our culture is unique in having no such mythology,

and given that fact--

ah, but you're wrong, my friend.

Excuse me?

There is a fella in America who grants wishes,

but only one to a customer.

And who is this "fella"?

O.W. Grant.

That's his usual name.

He's got many others.

And he's an elusive son of a bitch.

You'd have an easier time finding a genie.

So how come we've never heard of this O.W. Grant?

You haven't heard of O.W. Grant

because America's a much younger place than Ireland or Arabia.

Not too many people have had a chance to meet up with him.

Let me guess.

You have.

I met him out on interstate 60,

accidentally.

That's his way.

Folks don't find him; He finds them.

He just kind of happens into them,

and they don't know who he is or what he does

until he does it.

And mostly he messes with them,

plays tricks-- that's his way too.

But sometimes if he takes a shine to you,

he'll play it straight.

Now, one story says that his daddy

was a leprechaun,

came over here with the Irish.

Now, midgets are notorious skirt-chasers.

This leprechaun goes and knocks up a Cheyenne Indian.

Cheyenne get their land taken away,

and you end up with an immortal, nomadic half-breed

with magical powers.

Interstate 60, you said?

Mm-hmm.

So what does this O.W. Grant look like?

Red bow tie.

He smokes a pipe carved in the image of a monkey.

Maybe you'd be better off

writing your thesis without mentioning O.W.

He'd probably rather not have people knowing about him.

You got it.

Good night.

Hey, Quincy, check this out.

There is no interstate 60.

I-65, 64, 66, and 69.

No i-60.

Jeez.

Well, I guess tonight's

everybody's-full-of-shit night.

Guy with a red bow tie and a monkey pipe

who grants wishes?

Right.

♪ ♪

No, damn it.

Look, I-I need that bid in before 12:00.

Yeah, it's critical.

Just--

all right, call Wes.

Holy shit!

Oh, jeez.

Broke the jaw.

I'm sorry, mister.

I didn't see you.

Oh! Ow.

Are you okay?

Come on.

Are you all right?

Jesus.

No!

Oh, man, my bike!

Look, I'm sorry.

I'll--I'll pay.

Oh, god damn it.

Oh, god damn it, look at my suit.

Oh, shit.

Oh, fuck.

I got a sales meeting at 11:00.

This is a fucking disaster.

My phone is my fucking

lifeline.

God damn it.

Oh, well, I say everything happens for a reason.

Me, I guess I just needed a new bike.

I, for one, did not need this shit in my life,

not today of all fucking days!

God damn it, I wish this had never happened!

I wish it hadn't happened.

I wish it hadn't happened.

Well, is that your wish?

If you had a wish, you'd wish this hadn't happened?

Fuckin' "a" right!

Granted,

Mr. Baker.

How'd you know my name?

Yeah, I need the bid in before 12:00.

Yeah, it's critical.

Look, call Wes.

Have him fax the top sheet to the main office.

Get it there by-- speak up, all right?

I can't hear you.

I can't--

splat!

Some people just don't know what to wish for.

Oh.

♪ Hit me in the blind spot over again, ♪

♪ and I don't have to tell you why. ♪

♪ Stay where you are. ♪

♪ Never stay where you are. ♪

Captioning provided by screen media ventures, llc.

♪ Don't try and make this special. ♪

♪ I couldn't help just to bring you down. ♪

♪ But I know you'll find me out. ♪ ♪

As for my part in this story,

well, it began on a Tuesday,

September 18th, my birthday.

My 22nd birthday, to be exact.

Oh, I'm Neal Oliver,

and this mess is my apartment in St. Louis, missourah,

where at this particular moment, I was at majordecision.Com.

Should I wear a tie

to lunch?

Damn.

Happy birthday, Neal.

Thank you. Oh, sweetie.

You're not mad that I'm bailing on you tonight.

No, no, no, no.

I mean, how cool would it be to bomb your psych test

because of a stupid concert?

No, uh-uh.

You have got to wait until lunch.

It's your family's rules.

But you can open this.

I intercepted your snail mail.

It's the reality check.

I'm game over on the arts scholarship.

Well, you should at least open it.

I can tell a rejection by weight.

Oh, you're the wrong sex,

the wrong color,

and your family has too much money.

I'm sorry.

Just don't--don't mention anything to my old man, please.

You are so weird.

What?

Well, you're actually

supposed to cut your grapefruit in half

and eat it with a spoon,

not peel it and eat it like an orange.

Oh, look.

It's her.

Again.

Should I be, like, jealous?

Well, maybe if she was real.

So I had another dream about her last night.

She was in jail.

That's got to mean something.

I'll tell you what it means.

You saw her once somewhere,

and it made a subconscious impression.

The impression came back to you in a dream,

so you drew her,

which made the impression stronger.

You dream; You draw. You draw; You dream.

Now it's a vicious cycle,

so quit drawing her, and it'll end.

Well, thank you, Carl jung.

Mm-hmm.

Fact is, I enjoy drawing her.

But am i--am I any good at this, Sally?

'Cause today's the deadline of the Conrad competition.

Should I even enter a piece?

Don't ask me, Neal.

I don't want to be judgmental.

But I do know that just because you enjoy doing something

doesn't necessarily mean that you should make it your career.

Here.

No worries.

As I said, it all started on my 22nd birthday,

specifically here,

at my traditional birthday lunch.

As always, my father had picked the restaurant.

Attending were the usual suspects:

Sally, who my parents actually liked,

maybe even more than I did;

my dad, Daniel, attorney-at-law;

my mom, Marlene, the attorney's wife;

and my sister and best friend, Nancy,

put on earth by the grace of god

to keep me from going insane.

Okay, okay.

So what did you wish for?

Please tell me that it was something about us.

I'm guessing

he wished he could go skydiving again.

God forbid.

Oh, no, no, Neal, you didn't.

Why, if I tell, it won't come true.

Actually, that's an old wives' tale.

The truth is,

you should always tell your wish.

Kind of Karma thing.

Put it out there, project it.

Then it just might come true.

Never heard of that before.

Oh, it's true, believe me.

I know.

I'll cut this for you.

Okay.

So now you have to tell us.

Yeah, come on.

Tell us, Neal o.

Okay.

Um, I wished for...

An answer.

Um, an answer.

Okay, an answer to what?

An answer to my life.

Here it is.

Happy birthday, son.

Your admission to the Bradford law fellowship.

Just do the interview next month,

on October 15th, and you're in.

It's all arranged by me,

and you can take that to the bank.

Dad, I told you I wasn't sure yet.

Well, I can be sure for the both of us.

Last candle gone.

Take it with you.

That is, if you want your wish granted.

Thanks.

Oh, cool.

It's my color too.

Thank you so much.

Aw.

Sable brushes.

Nance,

you're the best, Nancy.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Best for last.

Happy birthday, son.

Isn't it perfect?

Fire engine red.

You have no idea how hard it was

to find a red convertible in this town.

Fuel-injected, 160 horses,

car phone--

yeah, I even got you special plates.

Oh, boy, I would have killed

for a car like this when I was your age.

Oh, you know, I thought it was high time for an image change,

and what better way to start?

Now, you see, the engine is a 2 1/2 liter

dual overhead cam in-line six...

As usual, it was all about him,

his idea of cool.

Red was his color, not mine.

It was his pet phrase on the licence plate.

Clearly, he was expecting me to become him.

Well, isn't it the best present you could ever get?

It's awesome.

Come on, Neal, take me for a ride.

Well, son?

Clank!

Neal!

Oh, my god!

Son, son.

Somebody call 911.

Neal, Neal, are you all right?

Talk to me, son.

Neal.

Dr. Pfeiffer, call 466.

Dr. Pfeiffer, call 466.

Hey.

St. Louis' finest thin crust.

Ah.

You all right, Neal o.?

Yeah, yeah, I just--

it only hurts when I think.

They want to keep me overnight

to log some tests in the morning,

make sure my perception isn't, like, warped, you know?

Oh, you're a goddess, Nance.

I know.

So what's your perception of a dad

who buys you the gift he wants for himself?

About the same as toxic waste.

Your perception's fine.

That was one hell of a way

of getting out of answering dad.

I know.

Mom and him are going to be here.

What are you going to tell them?

Lies.

The truth's going to piss him off.

Well, maybe that's a good thing.

No, no, because then I'm going to get the whole riff

about how I'm letting him down.

It's just easier if I roll with it.

Hey, maybe someone will steal it.

First a little visual warm-up.

I'll hold up a card; You name the suit.

I'm going to go faster and faster,

so see if you can keep up.

Okay.

Diamond.

Club.

Spade. heart.

Diamond. Spade.

Diamond. Heart.

Club, spade, heart.

Diamond, club.

Heart, spade, diamond.

Club, spade.

Heart, club, spade, heart.

Did I pass?

No,

but few people do.

Black hearts?

Red spades?

Come on, that's like cheating.

Ah, experience has conditioned you into thinking

that all hearts are red and all spades are black.

Because their shapes are similar,

it's easier for your mind to interpret them

based on that past experience

instead of being open to the idea they could be different.

We see what we expect to see,

not necessarily what's really there.

Children who have never played cards always pass

this test.

Makes you wonder how many other things

are right in front of you--

sights, sounds, smells that you can't experience

because you've been conditioned not to.

The good news is,

if we do the test again,

you'll pass.

Once you're aware that there can be

black hearts and red spades,

you'll be able to perceive them.

Your brain's wiring is like the interstate highway system.

It's easier to go from one well-traveled place to another,

but the places in between,

off the highway, even though they're there,

most people just zip right past them.

Well, that's a cool trick,

but there aren't any card games

with red spades and black hearts.

Well, how would you know?

Mr. Oliver, I'm Dr. Craig.

You ready to take some tests?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Well, that was some warm-up act you got there,

that guy ray.

Who?

Ray, you know, the guy who was just--he just left.

You know, with the trick cards.

Uh, there's no one on staff named ray.

No, he was just here,

the--you know, the wacky guy

with the cards.

He had the light green lab coat?

The staff wears blue here, not green,

but we can test your color perception.

Oh.

Dropped the seven of hearts.

Come on in, son.

So how's that new car?

Awesome?

Yeah, dad, it's very awesome.

What's on your mind, son?

Well, um, I'm not so sure about this Bradford thing, dad.

It just--it seems a little too easy.

You know?

I spent years working very hard

so it would be easy for you.

Do you want to work nights in that warehouse

for the rest of your life?

That's just so I don't have to ask you for cash.

Son, let me give you some Daniel Oliver philosophy,

and you can take it to the bank.

Whenever someone offers you an advantage, take it.

And this program is an advantage.

It'll get you into any law school in the country.

Mm, what America needs: Another lawyer.

Another good lawyer.

We can always use one of those.

That's what cost 30 gs?

$32,200.

I outbid two major collectors to get it.

That's a lot of money for a drop cloth.

That shows you how much you know.

That's a Franklin Samuels original.

He's a name artist.

If you ever sell anything,

the operative word being "if,"

maybe, maybe your opinion will count.

Look, dad, I'm just not sure, okay?

I thought about maybe taking some time off.

Time off for what?

Well, just sort of take stock, you know?

Try and figure some things out.

Waste more time with your art?

It's a hobby, son.

Would you leave it at that?

Look, I got you into Bradford

because Pratt's on the board,

and he won't be next year,

so if you don't take advantage of this now,

there won't be a next time.

Why not just go through the program?

If you ultimately decide law school's not for you,

then I'll live with it.

At least you'll be a Bradford fellow,

and that's something you can always take to the bank.

Then you can, you know, figure things out.

So you're going Bradford, huh?

Thought you weren't sure.

I'm not.

I think I'd be stupid not to at least give it a shot.

Can't let down the old man.

Bought you off with a fancy car.

He's maximizing his options, frank.

It's very mature.

We should be supportive,

not judgmental.

"Look for the good in your fellow man."

Ooh, "the warm wind of romance blows around you."

"With good health, prosperity will follow."

"October 15th. Are you sure?"

October 15th, that's the day of my Bradford interview.

Let me see that.

Okay, you got me.

It's blank.

What the hell?

See, I would never get on that ship.

Never.

Just leave everything behind,

not know where you're going.

I can't believe that you would, Neal,

just leave your friends

and your family and for what?

Hey, earth to Neal.

What's the matter?

Sally, my fortune.

Didn't it say, "October 15th, are you sure?"

Obviously, it didn't.

No, at the restaurant, when I showed it to you,

isn't that what it said?

Why are you making such a big deal of this?

Because it's bugging me, that's why.

You're just projecting your anxiety

about your decision, and that's natural.

It's okay.

You'll do great, because that's who you are.

I know. Here.

Just take a nice, deep breath.

Relax.

Sally, listen to me.

What are the chances

that of all the cookies in that kitchen,

that exact one ended up on a plate

that was taken to our table,

and I picked it?

It was blank.

Neal, the fortune was blank.

You projected.

I projected?

Right.

That was the politically correct way to say I was seeing things.

A lovely thought.

I worked graveyard shift at a grocery warehouse,

filling orders for the trucks

to take to the various stores in the morning.

I liked it for three reasons:

I'd gotten the job on my own,

it paid enough that I didn't have to ask

the old man for cash,

and it annoyed Daniel

that his son was even working at such a low-class job.

I hear you're quitting to become some big-shot lawyer

in your new fancy-ass car, huh?

Huh, well, whoop-de-do.

Hey, Kirby, give the kid a break.

You just remember that no matter how hot shit you think you are,

it's always going to be more of the same.

Just another high school.

High school? Hell, yeah.

Everything in life is high school.

They just change the names.

Well, you take this place.

Instead of a principal, we've got a boss.

Instead of teachers, supervisors.

Instead of assignments, they give us work orders.

And if you fuck up them work orders,

you get fired

instead of expelled.

Oh, yeah.

The names are different, but it is the exact same shit.

High school.

Oops.

Damaged goods.

Well, store can't sell them.

Guess I'll just have to take them off their hands.

Hee-hee.

Is he right, Otis?

I mean, is everything more of the same?

Yeah, if you look at it like that.

I mean, look at me.

I show up here,

see the same people,

take shipments to the same stores,

see those same people,

eat at the same places,

see those same people,

but not really.

See, I like seeing those people.

Well, most of them, anyway.

And if I want something different,

I could make it different--

go a different way, eat at a different place,

do an interstate gig.

See, I never went to high school.

Look at them.

In the morning, they'll get up and go to the store.

The pasta will be on the shelf where it always is.

Not one of them will give a moment's thought

as to how it got there.

Holy shit.

That's her.

I must have seen her on a billboard,

and that's how she got in my dreams.

That's wild.

You dream about her?

Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, it's pretty silly, huh?

Well, maybe it means something.

Like what?

Like the thunderbolt.

You know, love at first sight.

Oh, come on, Otis.

That's just fairy-tale stuff.

That's how I met my wife.

Spotted her in a crowd

at the riverfront fourth of July fireworks.

Couldn't take my eyes off her.

I mean, the fireworks were up there,

but I was staring at her.

And I just knew.

Well, see, all my girlfriends are always a reaction

to the one I had last.

Like, Janet was so opinionated about my art,

it drove me crazy.

So I found Sally, who refuses to be judgmental about it.

Meanwhile, she's trying to psychoanalyze me, you know?

So she's not the one either.

Then maybe you should go after her.

A girl like that, she's a model.

She's probably got guys falling all over her,

guys with-- guys with big portfolios.

Yeah, I guess it's a kind of childish idea,

chasing a dream.

Yeah, hi.

Your billboard on delmar and vickers,

the one on the side of the building?

Yeah, whose ad agency is that?

No, no, no, no, no.

Next to the casino queen billboard,

the girl with the phone.

It says "there is another choice."

Blank?

No, it can't be blank.

I was just there; I just saw it.

No, I just saw it.

Hey, what does the sign on the right say?

What are you, nuts?

It's blank, man.

Neal Oliver, your appointment

has been scheduled for tomorrow,

September 25th, 10:00 A.M.,

555 olive street, suite 1300.

No rescheduling.

Who is this?

Hello?

Hello?

555 olive street, suite 1300.

No rescheduling.

Morning, Mr. Oliver.

Wasn't sure you'd actually show up.

Not everyone does.

Ray?

I've got a job for you if you want it.

Drive across country,

deliver a package.

All right, what the hell is going on here, ray,

because I'm seeing things on signs

and fortune cookies.

I mean, weird messages.

Black hearts and red spades?

I told you you could see them now.

But what's it all about?

It's all about you, Neal.

It's all about you.

Here's the job.

You misspelled Denver.

Did I, now?

Okay, so why me?

Why not fedex?

I mean, what's in here, anyway?

Can't really say.

Because you don't know or because you do

and you don't want me to know?

Well, either way, the result is the same.

So what's this job pay?

Can't really say.

Well, what's the catch?

Or you can't really say that either?

Always wanting the answers, aren't you?

Consider it an interesting way to break in the new century

or simply a way to break in that new car

before your Bradford interview.

How do you know about that?

Open it.

Sit down.

Here's the deal.

If you walk out of here with that package,

you agree to deliver it.

You don't lose it, you don't open it,

and you don't try to find out what's inside it.

You'll be compensated on the other end.

Go by way of interstate 60.

Delivery date is October 2nd,

so you'll have time to visit some towns,

meet some people,

see what's out there,

pick up some traveler's tales.

Highway experiences,

episodes of the road.

This is too surreal.

I mean, you, this office--

the 13th floor of a building that has no 13th floor?

My alarm clock's going to go off any second.

Rise and shine.

You're awake, Neal.

Could be you're awake for the first time

in your life.

Clack!

It's our standard form.

And I'll need you to seal it

with a drop of your blood.

Blood?

Of course.

I'm the devil.

Just kidding.

Traditionally, when a man means what he says,

he'll put his blood where his mouth is.

All right.

Oh, one more thing.

There's a killer out there,

so be careful.

Now you tell me?

After I sign?

Well, the journey of life always includes

the possibility of death.

Well, this killer, what does he look like?

Who said it was a man?

It's a woman?

It's not this Robin fields, is it?

I know.

You can't really say.

I didn't misspell the name of that town.

You'll find it.

Just go west on interstate 60.

Look, we've been over this.

There is no interstate 60.

There's a U.S.-60, but there's no interstate 60.

Look, there's got to be.

Well, looky here.

Here's 70.

The next major route south is 40.

So if there was an i-60,

it would have to be somewhere between 70 and 40.

But as you can see, it's not there.

It simply doesn't exist.

Where do you find a highway that doesn't exist?

Well, I decided to look where it would be if it did exist.

Ray had said you don't find the hidden places

by sticking to the well-traveled routes,

so I skipped the well-traveled interstate 55

and went south on Bob Dylan's highway 61.

And there she was again, telling me I was right.

I was fast becoming a believer in signs.

Hey.

It's you I'm delivering this package to, isn't it?

You're Robin fields.

Well, that also makes total sense.

Cool, very cool.

Very, very cool.

You're the waiter from my birthday party.

O.W. Grant.

Neal Oliver.

This is a strange coincidence,

seeing you here again.

Yeah, only if you believe in coincidence.

I prefer inevitability.

Every event is inevitable.

If it wasn't, it wouldn't happen.

Right.

Oh, I forgot to give you your birthday present.

Remember your wish?

Oh, an answer.

Yeah.

That's great.

Yeah, it gets greater.

Go on. Go ahead.

Try it.

Yes or no questions.

Okay, um, 8-ball, is there an interstate 60?

Glug

I told you it'd get greater.

Who are you, mister?

The "O.W." Stands for "one wish."

That's what I do.

I Grant wishes, one to a customer.

Yours was more interesting than most--open-ended,

signifies thought instead of greed.

That's what I get most of the time;

"gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme this.

Gimme that."

Usually money or sex or easy living.

How I deliver,

well, that depends on what mood I'm in.

8-ball, is this guy bullshitting me?

Glug

come on.

Let's find that road.

Now, one young couple wished to be married,

live happily ever after.

So I blew up their car

at the church on the way to their honeymoon.

Another guy, he wanted great, perfect sex every day

with his choice of gorgeous women, no pregnancies.

So every day, he gets a fedex delivery

of a skin magazine, box of tissues.

There's the stop sign; Turn right.

There's a signpost up ahead.

Son of a bitch.

I found it.

It was inevitable.

Moo!

So I thought all interstates were divided highways

with limited access.

Well, when a highway doesn't officially exist,

the rules don't apply.

Okay, so how is it we're on a highway

that isn't on any map

going to towns that presumably don't exist?

Well, there's unlisted phone numbers, right?

So why can't there be unlisted highways and towns?

Eh, I don't buy it.

There's got to be a better explanation than that.

Better explanation, okay.

How about it's a parallel dimension?

Or you're in a dream,

or it has something to do with your wish.

Or you're in a coma from when that bucket hit you,

or maybe, just maybe,

you're dead.

Well?

Well, what do you want, kid?

I just gave you not one explanation, but six,

all of them reasonable.

You want an answer, pick one.

It won't change anything.

You took a job, and now you've got to do it.

Yeah, but it could change something.

So what if--like, what if I am dead?

What if I'm dead right now?

Then there's no reason why I shouldn't drive

into oncoming traffic, right?

Okay, go ahead. Try it.

But as we accelerate and wait for the big semi to come at us,

which should be in about 25 seconds, I figure, ponder this.

Now, if you are dead, then this is the afterlife.

And you made a deal with a guy, sealed in blood,

who knew everything about you,

including what you were going to say

before you said it.

Now, who do you think that guy might be?

And do you think it's a good idea to piss him off?

Maybe you've got a point.

Maybe I do.

Oh, I love this highway.

Me, I consider myself an artist too.

I see life

as art appreciation.

You know, some artists can't stand the sight of their work

once it's finished.

Me I'm one of my own biggest fans.

And one of my favorites will be coming through that door

any moment---- now.

Yeah, can I take your order?

15 double cheeseburgers, please.

15 double cheese to go.

Oh, not to go-- I'll eat them here.

Hold order.

You're going to eat

15 double cheeseburgers all by yourself?

Yeah.

Why, are they real big?

You think 15's too many?

Way too many.

All right, 12, then, an even dozen.

Are you drunk or something, mister?

Well, I don't know.

Can you get drunk on six beer?

Hey, fella.

I got a hundred says you can't eat 6 double cheese,

much less 12.

So what you're saying is,

they're really big cheeseburgers, hmm?

My hundred's saying you can't eat 6 double cheese.

Well, I'm kind of hungry.

Well, maybe you're right.

12 is too many burgers.

I'll tell you what.

Make it two double cheese,

three orders of fried chicken,

one b.L.T.,

two ham and Swiss on rye,

chicken fried steak, Turkey club,

and two bowls of chili, extra onions.

And one piece of each of those pies.

One piece of each of these pies?

Anything else?

Three orders of onion rings.

That's a much more sensible lunch

than 12 double cheeseburgers.

Oh, and hold the pickles.

Oh, holding those pickles.

100 bucks

if you can finish all that food

in one hour

without getting up from that counter

and without losing your lunch.

Well,

I'm not much of a bettin' man.

Well, two-to-one odds, then.

No, no, no.

I'll give you three-to-one odds.

That's $300 of mine against $100 of yours.

Well, what the hell.

It's only money.

All right.

Hal.

Hmm?

You better hold onto this money.

Sure.

Yeah, I'll take some of that.

8-ball, is this guy going to really eat all that food?

Glug

Hey, can I get in on this action?

Ask him.

No, I like long shots.

You're crazier than he is.

My money's just as good, right?

Fine by me.

Sir, you want anything to drink with that?

There's your order.

All right, it's 1:10.

On your Mark.

Get set.

Wait.

Ketchup, please.

Yeah!

Thanks.

All right, what's the trick?

Trick?

Where's the food?

It can't all be in your damn stomach.

Actually, I don't know.

You know, the fact is, I've always loved eating,

more than anything.

I'd go into a restaurant

and want to order everything on the menu.

But I was always frustrated

by the small capacity of my stomach.

Well, 17 years ago, I made a wish,

and amazingly enough,

it came true.

Now I have what you might call a black hole in my belly,

only I have to keep eating like this six or seven times a day.

It gets expensive, so I travel a lot,

and I take advantage of guys like you

to pay for it.

That's a good one.

Excuse me, mister.

I gotta know one thing.

Do you still love eating?

No.

Now it's a drag.

Listen, kid.

Nobody minds being taken by that guy.

He gave us a good show for our money.

But I draw the line at what you did.

What did I do?

I just backed the right horse, that's all.

You were in on it.

I know a hustle when I see one.

No, I played a hunch.

I swear to god I've never seen this guy before in my life.

But your friend there has.

Haven't you, fella?

Oh, I won't deny it.

Now, give the money that you stole, son.

Hey, look, so I won a couple of bets.

If that's such a crime, why don't you call the police?

I am the police.

Oh. Okay.

Sorry about that.

That's all my money.

Hit the road, fellas.

So what's your game, Mr. Grant?

Because it seems like

you know exactly what's going to happen

just before it happens,

and you're just fucking with me.

Oh, don't take it personal, kid.

I fuck with everybody.

That's what I do.

In fact, I highly recommend it

as an unending source of amusement.

And as far as knowing what's going to happen,

well, on this highway, the past, the present, and the future,

the what-ifs and maybes, the roads not taken

can all converge, get jumbled up.

I just happen to be tuned into it, that's all.

So what are you, like an angel or a god or something?

Just picking out certain people to give them a wish?

No.

No, I'm just a guy who likes to mess with people's heads.

I'm a joker in life's deck.

But why do it?

I enjoy it.

You should always find something to do that you enjoy.

Although I will admit

I have been considering a career change--

job in a convenience store

or maybe becoming a male prostitute.

You're gay?

You're fucking with me again, aren't you?

Yeah.

No, the fact is, I'm a virgin.

Always will be.

My penis was cut off in a very weird accident

when I was nine.

Yeah, right.

You want to see it?

Yeah.

Show me.

Zip

holy shit.

Oh.

God.

Oh, let me tell you,

the world's a very different place

when you're not constantly thinking about sex

or responding sexually to everything.

Yeah.

Ah, god, I guess it would be.

Wait; How would you know?

How would you know what it's like

to not have something you never had?

Oh, now you're thinking.

You'd be surprised

how many people take that statement on faith.

Sounds right, so they just accept it.

As I say, messing with people's heads

can be a lot of fun.

You should try it.

Oh, some nice scenery coming up ahead.

Hello, men.

You going my way?

If you're going west.

Then that's my way.

Hey, why don't you hop in the back,

because hunky's going to want a good look at me,

and if I'm in the front, he'll have a better view,

and if you're in the back, so will you.

I'm Laura.

I'm Neal.

Oh, and that's Mr. Grant.

So where are you going, Laura?

Me?

Oh, i'm, uh, going to, uh,

find the perfect fuck.

Wow, that's an interesting destination.

You ever been there?

Can't say that I have.

Me neither,

but so far, the trip's been pretty exciting.

Only, how will you know when you've gotten there?

Ugh, that is the problem.

It's actually become my obsession,

but you don't need to hear about that.

No, no, no, it's a-- uh, uh,

sure, sure I do.

The first time wasn't that great.

I'm thinking, "this is it?

"This is what all these songs are written about?

I mean, talk about hype."

Second time was a little bit better.

Third time, now, that was a hot time.

Fourth time, not as good as the third time,

but once I'd done this enough

to have all these experiences

to compare, it just drove me nuts.

I mean, what if the best one was right around the corner?

You know, how much better would the perfect one be?

So this became my quest.

Now, there is times that I wish I'd gone in the convent,

but my obsession becomes your opportunity.

So, you little stud muffin, you want to take advantage

of a girl who can't say no?

Uh, any guy ever turn you down before?

Not unless he was gay.

Okay, um, what-- what number would I be?

2,461.

But I have got a very, very good feeling about you,

and there's something very, very special.

Uh, I think I'm going to pass, Laura.

What do you mean you'll pass?

Guys don't pass.

Oh, I'm clean.

There's no diseases if that's what you're worried about.

I've got condoms,

all the best kinds.

Come on, Neal, stick it to me.

Come on. Okay.

Okay, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I'm not doing it, period.

So, what, you're just-- you're not man enough?

You meet a real woman, and you turn into a wuss?

Afraid you won't measure up,

huh?

Well, you'll never know, will you?

Because if I don't do it,

I won't be number two thousand and whatever.

I'll be number one, that one guy,

the guy you'll remember for the rest of your life.

You'll stay up at night thinking about me,

wondering, "was he the one?"

The answer's yes, I am the perfect fuck.

The one you never had, perfect in every way.

Okay, just stop it.

S-stop it!

It's a zen thing. It's amazing.

I've never been perfect at anything before.

Yeah, well, you did fuck me--

a mindfuck, and it was terrible.

It was good for me.

What about you, mister?

I bet you're a real man, man enough to be in my book.

Oh, hell, yes.

Put me down in there,

but I sometimes got a little problem, you know,

uh, getting excited.

Oh,

you just let me take care of that, baby.

Mmmng!

Zip

Now, that's a museum you'd really appreciate.

The museum of art fraud?

What is it, a bunch of bogus paintings?

Stop in renburg. Have a look.

You'll find it very, uh, thought-provoking.

450 miles to danver,

quarter of a tank of gas,

and no money.

Well, when Columbus set sail,

he didn't know if he'd have any wind.

Stop.

Help, stop, please. Stop.

Jesus, lady, what are you doing?

Help me, please.

My son took my car and ran off.

In think he's in banton.

Will you take me there?

Look, I'm sorry, but I'm not going that way.

I'll pay you.

$53 dollars, that's all I have.

Just take me to Benton.

Help me find my son, please.

You need money; She shows up.

Coincidence?

All right, lady, hop in.

I'll take you.

Oh, thank you.

I'll hop out.

You're getting in tune with the highway.

Say, this important?

Good luck, Neal.

Hey, wait a minute.

Am I going to see you again?

Always wanting an answer.

Well, maybe you'll find it in banton.

I'll pay you the rest when we find Philip.

Oh, I'm Susan Ross.

Neal Oliver.

So how old's Philip, Susan?

16.

He's my baby.

He's all I have.

He's run away before,

but he's always come back.

God, I am so scared.

What if I never find him?

Well, did you call the police?

They said I should look in banton.

It's not like I've been a bad mother.

It's just so hard when you're all alone.

We're going to find him, Susan.

Okay?

We'll find him.

It is illegal to sell, consume, or transport euphoria

beyond the city limits under penalty of law.

Be warned, it is highly addictive,

even in small doses.

Withdrawal from euphoria

has been known to cause injury and death.

All responsible citizens are urged to avoid this drug

at all costs

and stay in the euphoria-free zones.

Euphoria is legal in banton

and is distributed within the banton city limits.

However...

What kind of town is this?

Illegal to sell, consume...

Maybe we should talk to the police.

Move along.

Go on through.

A 16-year-old in a town with legal drugs and a rave?

I'm sorry, but I don't think he's going to be at the library.

♪ ♪

The next bus to the rave is leaving in five minutes.

The next bus to the rave is leaving in five minutes.

♪ ♪

Okay.

First timers?

Are you aware that euphoria is being distributed inside,

that it is a dangerous and addictive substance,

and that you are strongly advised not to partake of it?

Well, how could we not be?

Go on.

♪ Relax. ♪

♪ Don't do it ♪

♪ when you want to go to it. ♪

♪ Relax. ♪

♪ Don't do it ♪

♪ when you want to come. ♪

♪ Relax. ♪

♪ Don't do it ♪

♪ when you want to suck to it. ♪

♪ Relax. ♪

♪ Don't do it ♪

♪ when you want to come. ♪

♪ When you want to come. ♪

♪ Relax. ♪

♪ Don't do it ♪

♪ when you want to go to it. ♪

♪ Relax. ♪

♪ Don't do it ♪

♪ when you want to come. ♪

♪ Relax. ♪

♪ Don't do it ♪

♪ when you want to suck to it. ♪

♪ Relax. ♪

♪ Don't do it ♪

♪ when you want to come. ♪ ♪

You need this.

No thanks.

♪ ♪

Don't be stupid.

This is the answer.

It's the everything.

And you really need it.

Come on, you could be so happy.

Life could be so good.

Susan.

Susan, he's over here.

Philip.

Oh, thank god we found you.

Please, let's go home.

Chill, ma. I am home.

See this?

This is the place, the happiest place on earth.

You can't stay here.

You have to come home.

Fuck off.

Who's this?

New stud boyfriend?

You sure can pick 'em.

You've got school.

Fuck school.

I've got euphoria.

Here, try some, ma.

It's the best.

Philip, you can't stay here.

Yo, I'm legal age here.

I can do anything I want,

and I want euphoria.

You stole my car.

It's in the impound yard.

Take it.

I don't want it.

I don't need it.

Philip, you take me there.

Go away!

Leave me alone.

Hey, what's the matter with you?

What's going on here?

Hey, now, break it up.

Philip!

Outside. You're out of here.

Philip, please come home!

The fact is, ma'am,

here your son's of legal age.

If he wants to stay, he can't be forced to leave.

And he wants to stay.

Well, they all do.

They're addicts.

But he's just a boy.

He didn't know what he was doing.

Oh, no, no, he knew.

They all knew.

That's why there's those warnings posted all over town.

Yeah, but if this drug is so addictive, why is it legal?

Son, this town had a serious drug problem

and all the problems that go along with it.

We tried everything:

Punishment for dealing, punishment for using,

more enforcement, tougher enforcement,

jail, hell, public humiliation.

But it all came down to one thing.

Some folks just want to get high.

So we came up with a radical solution:

Euphoria.

Synthetic drug.

Potent, legal, and totally addictive,

and we warn everyone not to use it.

But like I said,

some folks just want to get high.

One hit of this, and they were hooked,

and we owned them.

Town controlled the supply,

so of course we could set the price,

and we made it very affordable.

Live in our camps,

eat our food,

you know, just do a couple odd jobs--

pick up some trash, mow the lawn,

clean some toilets--

and you get your euphoria.

And at night, man,

party till you drop.

Withdrawal's so intense

that everybody pays the price.

It's an incredible achievement, really.

Drug so powerful it sublimates the sex drive.

Do you know how many rapes we had here last year?

None.

Are you saying

Philip's going to be cleaning toilets for the rest of his life

with no sex drive?

He'll never marry?

I'll never have grandchildren?

It's ironic, isn't it?

Americans fought a war for freedom,

another one to end slavery.

So what do some of them choose to do with their freedom?

Become slaves.

Well.

But they're human beings.

I mean, they have rights.

They didn't know what

they'd be giving up.

They made a choice.

But look at them.

They seem

miserable to you?

They live a simple, happy life--

no decisions, no responsibilities.

Uh-uh.

No problems.

They found their answer.

You so sure that your life is better than theirs?

It's like they're animals.

Well, yeah, we're all animals.

It's just that some of us

have different priorities, that's all.

Whatever your priorities are,

banton is a real nice place to live.

No.

It's a nightmare.

Please, I want my son back.

I'll do anything.

All right, ma'am.

Now, it comes down to three choices.

One, you move here to the euphoria-free zone,

and that way, at least you get a chance to see him.

Hell, some parents end up having their kids work for them.

Kind of a perverse payback.

Two,

you go home.

Try to find something else to make your life worthwhile.

Or three.

Join the party.

What should I do?

You're smart.

Tell me what to do.

I don't know.

I guess if it was me,

I'd--I'd want to see my boy.

But he doesn't want to see me.

Oh, my god.

It's wonderful.

I feel so beautiful.

I never knew I could be so

happy.

Well, how about you, son?

Do you want some?

Oh, yes.

Yes.

No thanks.

I'll pass.

Ives here.

Got a rookie in my office,

and I short-shifted the cleaning gal again.

Send a zookeeper.

Well,

guess you're going to need

a motel room for the night, eh?

Plus, you get a $300 finder's fee.

Finder's fee?

Yeah, for her.

Oh.

You just increased our labor pool.

We pay for that around here.

What's the matter, son?

Somebody offers you an advantage,

take it.

I took the room but not the money.

I couldn't.

And even then, I didn't sleep very well.

I never got the rest of the 53 bucks,

but given the dynamics of interstate 60,

I wasn't concerned.

I knew something would be just down the road.

It was inevitable.

What did concern me was whether something else was inevitable.

8-ball, should I be worried about this killer?

Glug

well, can you be more specific?

Glug

figures.

The inevitable something down the road

was 20 miles ahead,

and he was quite a character.

So what's the deal here, mister?

Say hello to Mary Anne for me.

Hey, Bob Cody.

I don't drive,

and I don't like to hitchhike.

When I hitchhike, I'm at the mercy of the driver,

but when I pay for the ride, I'm the employer,

and I call the shots.

That's how I like it.

So you want to work for me?

Well, I'm going to danver.

I wouldn't mind making some money.

Good.

I'm going to renburg.

It's on your way.

Here's my proposition.

You pay for gas, pay for your meals.

No alcohol while you're on payroll.

I pick the radio stations.

I initiate all conversations.

I'll pay you $10 cash every hour,

and the mileage money when we get to renburg.

In all other matters,

you play straight with me,

I'll play straight with you.

So do we have a contract?

We have a contract.

So who's my new employee?

Neal Oliver.

Mr. Oliver, you may call me "Mr. Cody"

or "sir."

You got it, sir.

He was going to renburg;

the museum of art fraud was in renburg.

Coincidence?

I knew then that I'd have to check out that museum.

It was inevitable.

Mr. Cody had rather unique tastes in audio stimulation.

The choice is clear.

The arion 620: The American-made car

for American-made drivers.

That's a lie.

Arion engines

are made in Japan.

Kill signal, the movie everyone's talking about,

from weber films.

That's another lie.

We're not talking about it.

We're the United States post office,

and we care.

Oh!

That's the biggest whopper of all.

You know, sometimes only the chairman'll do.

♪ I get no kick from champagne. ♪

Now, there's an ad I just can't figure.

Now, what's warmer?

The weather, the water, the girl?

She's pretty, though.

Robin fields.

She's gorgeous.

Sir.

What, you know her?

Not yet.

I'm meeting her in danver.

You're a lucky man.

Yeah, you know, to be honest,

I'm a little nervous about it,

'cause, you know, what am I going to say?

I mean, how do you start a conversation

with the girl of your dreams

without coming off like a total dork?

Don't say anything.

Let her start it.

That's--that's a good idea.

Yeah, just sit back,

listen to the sweet, musical tones of her voice.

Son, you got it bad.

Yes, sir, I do.

♪ I get a kick out of you. ♪ ♪

Now, there's a sign that's telling the truth for a change.

Yep, looks like a motel to me.

No, "frontier."

Every hear of Frederick Turner, Mr. Oliver?

No, sir.

Well, he was an historian.

About 100 years ago,

he came up with a theory about the frontier,

said the frontier was a safety valve for civilization,

a place for people to go to keep from going mad.

So whenever there were folks

who couldn't fit in with the way things were,

nuts and malcontents and extremists,

they'd pack up and head for the frontier.

That's how America got started.

All the crackpots and troublemakers in Europe

packed up and went to a frontier

which became the 13 colonies.

When some people couldn't fit in with that,

they moved father west,

which is why all the nuts

eventually ended up in California.

Turner died

in 1932, so he wasn't around

long enough to see what would happen to the world

when we ran out of frontier.

You know, some people say we have the frontier of the mind,

and they go off and explore the wonderful world

of alcohol and drugs,

but that's no frontier.

It's just another way for us to fool ourselves.

And we've created this phony frontier with computers,

which allows people to, you know, think they've escaped.

Frontier with access fees?

What about space?

You know, the final frontier?

Well, Star Trek isn't space.

That's television--

fine fucking frontier that is.

And besides, how many folks can just pack up

and go to space?

No, the frontier is right here.

Interstate 60.

That's why it was put here:

To give people who wanted something a little different

a place to go.

Is that really true, Mr. Cody?

If it isn't, it should be.

Excuse me.

Uh, excuse me.

Excuse me.

Uh, can you help me out, mister?

"Will work for food," hey?

Okay.

Here's an apple, food.

Now, I'd like for you to wash that man's windshield.

Work.

Hey, man, I ain't going to wash his windshield

for no apple.

Well, excuse me.

That doesn't say, "might work for food."

It doesn't say, "restricted menu."

It says, "will work for food."

This is food; That's work.

What's the problem?

Hey, I ain't doin' it, that's all.

All right, let's be honest.

You don't want to work.

You just want a handout so you can buy booze,

and nothing wrong with that.

Drinking, that's a great human tradition.

And if you'd been straight about it,

I'd have bought you some chivas,

but by holding up that sign,

you made an employment agreement

which I intend to hold you to.

Now, here's the apple.

You wash that car.

Fuck you, man.

You know, I don't want your fucking apple,

so I don't got to wash that fucking car.

You know, here's what I think of your fucking apple.

Fump!

Well, now, since you took my food,

you gotta wash that car.

Wash it.

Hey, Mr. Cody, this is really not that important.

Yes, it is.

There's jerks out here lying in writing.

I don't tolerate lying from anyone,

especially not in writing.

You, wash the damn car.

You shut the fuck up, or I'm going to cut you.

Hey.

Y'all don't get out of here,

I'm going to call the sheriff.

Well, I wouldn't do that.

You see, I got lung cancer.

I'm terminal, six months to live.

Only I'm not going out in a hospital.

Oh, shit. That's dynamite.

Enough to take out everything

in a radius of 150 yards.

I don't give two farts and a Martini

if I go now or later,

but if you do, you better wash that car.

Click!

Okay, okay, mister.

I'll clean it for you. No.

He's got to do it.

Are you nuts? Wash!

Clean it.

Wash the car!

Come on!

Okay, okay, I'll wash it, all right?

Turn it off.

I'll wash the car.

You ought to call the sheriff

and have that guy shot through the head.

He's crazy.

I got a much simpler solution.

Goddamn son of a...

♪ Grab your coat and snatch your hat. ♪

♪ Leave your worries on the doorstep. ♪

♪ Just direct your feet ♪

♪ to the sunny side of the street. ♪ ♪

Say what you mean; Mean what you say.

You know, if everybody followed that rule,

there'd be a lot less trouble.

Now, we still have a contract, Mr. Oliver.

I sure hope you're not thinking of breaking that contract.

Thinking about it?

Yes.

Doing it?

No, sir.

That's a very honest response.

That's a breath of fresh air.

Cigarette?

No thank you, sir.

I don't smoke.

I like cigarettes.

Package says they cause cancer,

and they do.

Say what you mean; Mean what you say.

Boy, if it wasn't for cigarettes,

I don't know where I'd be today.

Yeah, I used to be in advertising.

I got paid for lying.

Then one day, a little boy died

because of one of those lies.

Boy, that fried me.

So when I got my nicotine death sentence,

I decided to make the rest of my time count,

put an end to some of those lies.

Now for the first time in my life,

I'm fulfilled.

I'm content.

Lung cancer--

it's not without its benefits.

I couldn't decide if he was for real or bluffing,

totally sane or completely nuts.

Maybe the dynamite was fake, or the detonator was.

Or maybe not.

As Grant would say,

lots of answers, all of them reasonable.

I did know that I liked him.

That was for sure.

♪ Sunny side of the street. ♪ ♪

Mr. Oliver,

you're one of the best employees I've ever had.

I'm giving you a tip

and my card.

You ever want to work for me again,

you call that number.

It's my direct line.

Good luck with that girl.

Thank you, sir.

The museum of art fraud was only three blocks away.

That interstate 60 dynamic was clearly at work again,

and my own curiosity was definitely piqued.

Oh, you must be Douglas.

Oh, thank goodness.

I'm so glad to see you.

I didn't think you were coming.

I mean, the agency called to cancel.

Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry.

I'm Mrs. James, the owner.

Hi, Mrs. James. I--

and they are viewing the originals right now,

and I know you're confused,

but if you do what I say,

I will give you $100.

The late Mr. James was most proud

of the five original masterpieces in this room,

rarely seen

and, per his wishes, never photographed.

Monet,

cezanne,

Van gogh,

renoir,

degas.

Each is valued in the millions.

No less than Bill Gates and Warren buffett

have attempted to buy them.

Of course, they're not for sale.

Now, we can proceed this way.

Now, take the paintings down very carefully.

Remove them from the frames,

and then after that,

put them on the easels out here.

Today you're going to be my nephew Edward.

Now, just follow my lead and go with the flow.

Okay.

This way, please.

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to our gallery

of affordable reproductions.

It was my late husband's request

that none of his five original masterpieces ever

be photographed or reproduced in any book or catalog,

so we offer these copies

rendered by my nephew,

Edward,

at the modest cost of $350 apiece.

And if you have any questions,

please don't hesitate to ask either one of us.

How long did it take you to do them?

How long?

Uh, I knocked them all out in a week.

I can tell.

Some of your brushwork

is rather uneven.

Well, you get what you pay for.

It's decent craftsmanship,

perhaps a little slick.

Lacks the artist's soul.

Yeah, but i'm just an amateur.

It's shameful.

Cezanne would roll over in his grave

to see such a mockery of his work.

Well, let's be glad for both of our sakes

that he won't see it.

Well, you've heard it from the experts.

You have no talent whatsoever.

Well, I've never been more flattered.

Hmm.

My late husband's desire

was that his masterpieces be owned

by people who would enjoy them,

not trophy collectors.

Thus, our charade.

But do you know, in eight years,

I have yet to sell a painting?

Why don't you donate them to an art museum?

Oh, upon my death,

clones of them will be donated.

Clones?

Oscar was an art collector,

dealer, technical genius,

and a practical joker

and wealthy enough to indulge

in his most outrageous whims.

He developed a process

whereby he could duplicate a painting

almost on a molecular level.

He would borrow a great master from a museum

and duplicate it

and often send back the copy,

and he was never found out.

A starry night, the original.

The one in New York is a clone.

This monet,

the art world thinks

that the original is in Paris.

Unbelievable.

So they're all originals?

So what does one do

with a collection like this?

You tell everyone they're fakes.

Good, huh?

And so just before he died,

Oscar created this, the museum of art fraud.

The world's greatest art museum,

masquerading as a cheap tourist attraction.

Oh, my god, that's--

my husband,

Oscar Warren James.

Of course.

Of course.

I must say I was feeling pretty damn good.

Hell, I was feeling inspired.

I wanted to deliver the package,

and then I wanted to go out and paint,

and I wished I could go back in time

and enter a piece in the Conrad competition.

But I'd had my one wish,

and I couldn't look back.

Hot and cool.

Hot and cool.

I'm getting warmer; I'm getting colder.

Of course.

8-ball,

that girl's not in danver,

and her name's not Robin, is it?

Glug

well, is she in morlaw?

Glug

okay, so if I go there, will I find her?

So there it was,

the proverbial fork in the road.

My job, the word I'd given, the contract I'd signed

versus the lovely Lynn, the girl of my dreams,

her musical voice in my head leading me--

where?

So what did I do?

I did what any self-respecting hopeless romantic would do.

I rationalized.

Five days

to go 158 miles.

I got time to chase a dream, right, 8-ball?

Good answer.

Proceed to 459 maple.

Investigate complaint regarding papers

over resident's property line.

Driver's license.

What did I do, officer?

Nothing.

You're served.

You're being sued by Mr. J.J. Madison

for your responsibility in the hit-and-run death

of his pet cat, snickers,

three weeks ago in front of the courthouse.

But I've never been here before.

I was in St. Louis three weeks ago.

Tell it to the judge.

I'm just process serving.

Meanwhile, I suggest you head into town

and hire yourself a lawyer.

But first, park your car

in that lot over there by the lake.

You could get sued for polluting the air.

Hey, see you in court, Gerald.

Lawyer, mister? I'm real good.

Stanford,

class of '88, summa cum laude.

But more important, I know the angles.

Buddy, buddy, buddy, listen.

We're going to set up a dummy corporation

for you to protect your assets.

You don't need a lawyer.

You need a good lawyer.

Hey, hey, hey!

H. Macklin park is the name.

That's the only name you need to remember.

Not interested.

Valerie McCabe, Yale '91.

I've got a special rate for visitors,

and I know I can win your case.

You don't even know my case.

The Madison case?

Nuisance suit--

happens to visitors all the time.

Fact is, j.J. Madison doesn't even have a cat.

He's allergic.

I could have it thrown out in no time.

Wait, he never had a cat?

So why's he going to sue somebody for it?

Because he can.

What?

Every adult citizen of morlaw is a lawyer,

so everybody sues everybody else.

It doesn't matter if there's a cause.

It's how we ensure everyone makes a living

off their profession.

Yeah, but that's insane.

I could sue you for that.

You just made a defamatory remark.

Hey, are you looking at my legs?

I could sue you for that too, sexual harassment.

Is there anything you can't sue me for?

Hire me.

That way everything between us

is subject to attorney-client privilege.

I'm $75 an hour.

First hour's free.

Well, at least you know my case.

All right, you're hired.

Hey, hey!

I'm suing you, Valerie.

I'm su--no, no, no.

For the sexual enticement or the appearance thereof

of a potential client on a public thoroughfare.

He only hired you because he found you sexually attractive.

Hurry, my office.

We could get slapped with a dozen more lawsuits

just walking down the street.

This'll be a cinch.

Shouldn't take more than a couple weeks.

Whoa. Weeks?

No, no, no, no, no.

I have to be in danver on October 2nd.

It can't take that long.

That's not long.

Long is our city limits sign.

We've been trying to get a new one put up for five years now,

but we forgot to file an environmental impact report.

And as the metal in the signpost

is a potentially hazardous substance,

we're in court over that.

And another lawyer's challenging

the census figure on the sign,

and another lawyer said we had to do a new land survey

to determine the exact city limits

so we'll know precisely where to put the sign.

So we brought in a surveyor,

but he got sued for smoking

and was enjoined from finishing the survey.

I'd say we're at least two years from a new sign.

And you choose to live here?

I wouldn't live anywhere else.

Every day is a new challenge,

a new precedent,

a new way of interpreting the law.

It's an intellectual feast.

Okay.

So if everyone who lives here is a lawyer,

how do you live?

I mean, who runs the grocery store?

Who does your dry-cleaning?

Who fixes the shitter when it breaks?

Well, we all moonlight on the law-related jobs.

You know, police, bailiffs, court reporters.

But those other, trivial things you mentioned?

They're done by people like you

awaiting trial.

It's the only way they can afford their legal fees.

Now, I can get you a hearing for Monday, October 1st.

Meanwhile, we'll have to call witnesses

to testify as to your character--

you know, family, friends--

so that you can qualify for your employment program.

It'll help keep costs down.

So get me their names and numbers, and I'll subpoena them.

Well, even if they could get here,

wouldn't they get sued too?

Of course,

but you'll indemnify them,

and their problems will fall on your shoulders,

which means more work for me.

Hmm.

Okay, well, I have those phone numbers.

They're in my car.

I'm going to go get them,

and I'm going to make a few calls

and be right back.

No, you won't.

Fred, Mr. Oliver's a potential fugitive.

Lock him up.

Lock me up?

Of course.

We lawyers have to

protect our livelihood.

Wait; You can't do this to me.

I have rights.

I know you do, sweetie.

I'm here to protect them.

I couldn't even blame the 8-ball.

It said a meeting was possible.

Yeah, right.

A meteor wiping out morlaw was possible too,

probably more possible than ever meeting Lynn.

Hey!

Hey, Lynn.

Hey, Lynn!

Over here.

Up here, up here.

I'm going to get you out.

I'm going to get you out.

In order to get her out, I had to get me out.

A jailbreak was clearly not happening.

Ditto for a tunnel job.

I needed an answer, and my 8-ball was in the car.

Damn it.

There had to be a way to blow this whole thing wide open.

And then I knew.

My lawyer needed a character witness,

but I needed a witness who was a character.

Please state your name and occupation.

Robert Wilson Cody.

I'm what you might call an ax-grinder.

Mr. Cody,

please tell the court how you know the defendant.

He was my employee.

And how would you characterize him?

Honest,

trustworthy, intelligent.

Ask him if he's aware

that the charge against me is a lie

and that everyone here knows it.

Immaterial.

He can only testify as to character.

Just ask him.

The judge will rule it immaterial.

You ask him, or I'll fire you.

Mr. Cody,

are you aware that the charge against Mr. Oliver is not only

a complete lie,

but that the judge, the plaintiff,

and every citizen here know it?

Immaterial.

Nothing to do with the character of the accused.

Sustained.

Wait a minute, miss.

This is a trumped-up charge,

and you're all in on it?

Immaterial.

The witness is ordered to ignore the question.

Well, I'm not going

to ignore it, your honor.

If what she says is true,

it's a very serious matter.

Well, serious or not,

it's immaterial to this hearing.

Next question.

Whoa, judge.

I asked her a question,

and I want an answer.

You don't ask the questions here, Mr. Cody.

You answer them,

and if you don't do what I tell you to do,

I will hold you in contempt.

Hey, I'm not answering any more questions

until somebody answers mine.

Why don't you tell me, judge,

are you in on a lie here?

I fine you $500 for contempt.

Rap!

Answer my goddamn question, judge.

$1,000

and 90 days in jail.

Bailiff, sergeant,

put Mr. Cody in a cell.

Whoa.

Hold the phone, boys.

Now, this is dynamite.

We'll all go out with a bang if anyone takes

another step toward me.

Gentlemen, just drop your guns.

Everyone else, stay seated.

Judge,

stick your finger up your nose.

I'm not kidding.

I'm terminally ill,

and I'll gladly take y'all with me

to hell right now!

Judge, I said stick your finger

up your nose.

Better do it, judge.

He says what he means.

He means what he says.

I'm glad we understand who's in charge now.

So, judge,

this whole deal was a lie.

Is that right?

Keep that finger in your nose.

Yes.

Yes, sir.

Yes, sir.

All right.

Show of hands.

Now, how many here knew this thing

was a railroad job against Mr. Oliver?

Liars.

Lawyers.

Mr. Oliver,

how do we teach these liars a lesson?

Now, read it, judge.

"By this order,

"all legal actions, charges, fines, and fees

"against any noncitizen of morlaw

"in any matter pending before any morlaw court

"are hereby dismissed,

and I declare an unconditional amnesty."

Thank you.

Bailiff,

make a few hundred copies of that,

and post it all over town.

You know, this is an interesting town.

I think I might just stay here.

You got a problem with that, judge?

No.

No problem, sir.

♪ ♪

Lynn?

Hi.

I'm Neal.

I'm the guy who got you out.

Yo, pleased to fuckin' meet you, Neal.

Man, I been so fucked up in here for so long,

I t'ought I was never gettin' da fuck out.

Yo, bitch,

I want back my fucking clothes

you cocksuckers confiscated.

I sure the fuck ain't wearing this ugly shit no more.

Hey, handsome.

What you lookin' at me like dat for?

I-I just didn't expect you to talk that way.

What?

Sum'in wrong with the way I fucking talk?

No, no. No, no, no, no.

I just--

I mean, yes.

Yes.

You make Mike Tyson sound like an Oxford graduate.

What are you, like, fucking dissin' me?

You, like, saying I never went to fucking school or sum'in?

No, i--yes.

That's exactly what I'm saying.

Don't worry.

It's just an act.

Well, it's sort of a test.

See, guys are always so eager to score points with me,

they'll be like, "oh, no, Lynn,

no, the way you talk is charming."

Yeah, unique, refreshing,

a breath of fresh air, yeah.

Air from a sewer is more like it.

Me, I would never go out with somebody

who talked like that.

I'm glad you wouldn't either.

I hope you have a car.

I had to sell mine to pay my legal fees.

Uh, oh, I-I have a car.

So how many guys have told you

that you sound cheap?

You're the first.

You know, you're better-looking than I expected.

Ditto.

Wait a minute; You were expecting me?

Of course.

That's how the stories always go.

The handsome prince rescues Princess from the dungeon.

That was the point of the messages.

The messages?

The billboards.

My last name is linden, by the way.

See, I knew somebody would figure it out eventually.

At least that's what he told me.

Who?

O.W. Grant.

See, I made a wish to meet the right guy,

although if I'd have known

I'd have to spend a year in jail waiting,

maybe I wouldn't have.

Anyway, the prince has to undergo tests and challenges

so that the Princess will be convinced that he's worthy,

and you passed mine.

So what's yours?

What, my test?

Come on, everybody has a simpatico test.

Do you cut your grapefruit in half or peel it?

Me, I peel it.

Spider-man.

Thin- or thick-crust pizza?

I go for thin every time.

We're three for three.

Like, I can't believe--

okay, close encounters.

I'd get on the ship, no question.

What's wrong?

This is just-- it's all too perfect.

I mean, you know, you are this--

you know when something seems too good to be true?

Hold that thought.

Phew.

Whoo.

You see?

I'm not that perfect.

Right, right,

well, I feel much better now.

Ditto.

So you actually wished for Mr. Right?

What can I say?

I'm human.

Humans have certain needs, like companionship.

And you, did you wish for me?

Uh, well, actually I wished for this.

It gives me answers.

But are they

the right answers?

So far.

Whoa.

These were your billboards.

Obviously.

I don't need them anymore.

Maybe it's time for the, you know,

happily-ever-after part.

Well, not quite.

I still have a job to finish--

tomorrow, October 2nd, in danver.

Danver?

What's wrong?

Grant gave me an envelope.

He said if anyone was ever going to danver,

I should open it.

I don't know if this message is for me or you.

Neal, don't go.

I-I gave my word to this guy

that I'd deliver this package.

I have to.

8-ball, should I go to danver?

Glug

Are you serious?

I'm serious.

You mean you didn't sleep at all?

Nope, I couldn't.

I was possessed by the muse.

I love it.

You're not just saying that?

No.

It's got soul,

passion.

Wow.

Take me with you.

What about the letter?

Screw it; I want to go with you.

8-ball, should I take Lynn with me to danver?

Glug

"bad idea."

Is that because it's dangerous?

Glug

the killer, does it have to do with the killer?

Glug

I don't care if it's dangerous

or what this thing says.

I still want to go with you.

No, Lynn.

It would make me crazy.

I'm not going to risk losing you,

not after just finding you.

What if I lose you?

Lynn, you can't go.

The ball's never wrong.

Now, I'll come back; I promise.

8-ball, I will come back for her, won't I?

Yes.

You will come back for me.

Glug

♪ ♪

What am I, nuts?

The girl of my dreams,

and I leave her behind because of this stupid toy?

What's up, officer?

Just got word there's a killer in the area.

Orders are to close the road.

What's this killer look like?

Coming over the radio now.

Murder suspect is white, male,

last seen driving a red b.M.W. Convertible

along interstate 60.

This vehicle has white paint splattered on the trunk lid.

You best turn around, son.

It's not safe for you here.

It was ten miles before my heart rate was back into double digits

and I could think straight.

Then I realized.

8-ball, is Lynn in danger from this killer?

Glug

Cellular service is not available in this area.

Beamers suck!

Jeeps rule!

Splat!

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Damn punks and their paint again.

I'm calling the sheriff.

Here, watch where they go.

Oh, wait, oh, no, no.

Please don't call the sheriff.

The hell I won't!

I'm sick of those punks making trouble around here.

Hey!

Come back with my binoculars.

Oh, fuck.

8-ball, am I the killer?

Glug

latest reports indicate

the suspect is carrying the murder weapon

in a square box wrapped in brown paper.

Once again, the suspect is carrying the murder weapon...

Oh, no.

Shit!

Oh, shit.

8-ball, is the murder weapon in this box?

Glug

should I open it?

Glug

Shit!

If it is a murder weapon,

I'm going to get my fingerprints all over it.

8-ball, I really need an answer right now.

What should I do?

Glug

damn you!

Yes or no questions, yes or no.

Okay, come on, Neal.

Think.

Be logical.

He called the cops,

so whichever way they're coming,

I gotta go the opposite way.

Well, it's got to be one way or the other.

Right, 8-ball?

I mean, I got two choices here,

so it's got to be one or the other, right?

Glug

"take it to the bank"?

Sorry, dad.

Nope.

There is another choice.

Sheriffs and police of two counties

have closed off interstate 60 in both directions

with the intent of boxing in the suspect,

who was last seen driving a red b.M.W. Convertible

with white paint splattered on the trunk lid.

I knew this wasn't my kind of car.

♪ ♪

What were the chances?

What were the chances that the killer

would be in a car just like mine,

and I'd get white paint on mine

just like his?

Now, Grant would say it was inevitable,

that at least once in an infinite universe,

events would happen that way, and this was that time.

But Grant had also said, on this highway,

the past and the future and the what-ifs and the maybes

could all get jumbled up.

So I had to see for myself.

Hey.

Get away from there.

Who was he?

They say he was some law student from St. Louis--

went nuts and killed his old man.

I love this highway.

8-ball, I got a lot of questions.

Was that guy in the car--

what the hell am I asking you for?

Clank!

Hello?

Uh, Robin fields?

Is anybody here?

I'm here.

Ray?

The delivery's for you?

Oh, no, no, no.

I wouldn't hire you to deliver a package to myself.

It's for my cousin.

Here he is now.

Robin fields.

Oh, one of my many pseudonyms.

You're cousins?

You sat in my car with your own package.

Why didn't you take it?

Well, you made a deal,

and what kind of guy would I be

if I caused you to violate your blood oath?

And besides, it's the fact that

you lost all your money

and you went to jail,

you left your girl and ditched your car

all to bring this to me

makes it far more valuable.

Now it has stories

to go with it.

Well?

Don't you want to know what's inside?

I-I did before,

but it doesn't really matter now,

'cause whatever it is

won't be as good as the stories.

Well, seeing as you understand that,

I'll open it.

Yep.

You're not going to light it?

I don't need to.

Thud!

Dr. Pfeiffer, call 466.

Dr. Pfeiffer, call 466.

So how's that new car?

Awesome?

Dad? Huh?

What's my favorite color?

Uh, blue.

Why would you buy me a red beamer?

Uh--

red's a great color, especially for a convertible.

You know, my b.M.W.S have always been

a great source of joy to me, so I just thought--

happy birthday, dad.

In the future, if you want to buy me a gift,

buy me something I want, not something you want.

Son, it's a gift,

and if you don't accept it,

I will take it as a personal insult.

Well, in that case, we're even,

because I consider the gift itself

an insult to me and to who I am.

How would you like it if I bought you

an easel and a paint box for your birthday?

I-I never thought of it that way.

Perhaps I could have given it a little more thought.

Thank you, dad.

Apology accepted.

Now, the Bradford thing?

I'm not going there,

'cause I'm not going to law school.

But, son-- no buts, dad.

This is your life. You made it.

It works for you.

I gotta find something that works for me.

I'm sorry if you don't approve,

but you can take that to the bank.

Well, I don't approve,

and it's time you faced the truth about your art.

It's mediocre.

Look-- Neal.

Great news.

That piece you entered in the Conrad competition?

There's a very interested buyer who wants to talk

to you about it right now.

Come on, I'll take you.

Oh, and, dad, that thing?

It's crap.

You got ripped off.

And it's upside-down.

I must be getting Alzheimer's.

I don't remember entering anything

in the Conrad competition.

You left it at the motel.

I took the Liberty of entering it

for you.

Thank you.

Mr.-- oh, Conrad.

Oh, you're welcome, Mr. Oliver.

You're Neal Oliver.

I just love your painting.

Excuse me.

I'm sorry.

I just got this major deja vu about you.

No, no, no, no, no, it's okay.

I did too.

Big time.

I, uh, I just love this.

It's got soul, passion.

I'm-- Lynn linden.

Yeah, I know.

I'm with danver publishing.

We do prints, posters, and art books.

Uh-huh?

And this may be a little presumptuous of me,

but would you consider doing a series

of motels, cafes, gas stations,

all in this style?

That's exactly what I was thinking.

My brother's really talented.

Oh, he's going to be fine,

just fine.

He's got a great future ahead.

They both do.

Say,

you have a birthday coming up, don't you?

How'd you know that?

Don't forget to make a wish.

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Captioning by captionmax www.Captionmax.Com

♪ I lean back and take my time, ♪

♪ crossing population signs. ♪

♪ I drive until I can't see you no more. ♪

♪ Down the coast, I stop to eat. ♪

♪ Electric leather bucket seats. ♪

♪ I throw a passing seagull my last fry. ♪

♪ There's a thousand things in the world ♪

♪ I've already seen. ♪

♪ There's a thousand places to go ♪

♪ I've already been. ♪

♪ And there's a thousand places to hang ♪

♪ if that is your scene. ♪

♪ But I don't want to wake it ♪

♪ if the only one here is me. ♪

♪ I got everything I want in the world, ♪

♪ I got everything I want in the world, ♪

♪ I've got everything I want in the world ♪

♪ except you. ♪

♪ I swallow passion's bitter pill. ♪

♪ A thousand bugs adorn my grille. ♪

♪ I drive until I can't see you no more. ♪

♪ I jump the bridge and clear the gap. ♪

♪ I spill my soda in my lap. ♪

♪ And I can hear right now just what you'd say. ♪

♪ There's a thousand things up in space ♪

♪ floating around. ♪

♪ There's a thousand things you can find ♪

♪ laying right on the ground. ♪

♪ And there's a thousand things you will hear ♪

♪ if you don't make a sound. ♪

♪ Yeah, but I bet my dirty dishes ♪

♪ that my wishes never leave the ground. ♪

♪ I got everything I want in the world, ♪

♪ I got everything I want in the world, ♪

♪ I've got everything I want in the world ♪

♪ except you. ♪ ♪

♪ ♪