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Check two, one, two. I think we got it.

-Excuse me. -How happy are you with the way you look?

Oh, okay. From a scale from one to ten, I'd have to say six and a half for me.

What do you say for you?

I would say I gotta... You know, it's close to a 10.

-Ten! -Yeah.

-My God. -Well...

I didn't dream anyone thought they looked like a 10 but Sean Connery.

Of course, these days, not so much anymore.

I'Cve got a million of them.

I've never put much stock in physical appearance.

She doesn't. She doesn't.

-However... -lf she did, she'd wear makeup.

-That's right. -That just really gets to me.

I would like to lose some more weight, but that's more of a physical...

Well, you're changing the subject.

We're talking about how pretty you'd be if you'd put on some makeup.

Could you describe your physical appearance?

My appearance?

I try to appear pleasant, but I am not always pleasant.

I think I look good for my age.

She's perfectly right.

I like it that I'm almost as tall as Danielle...

-You are not almost as tall as me. -No? Stand up, watch.

Oh, yeah, this much.

Are you being funny or are you being serious?

-I just agreed with you. -Oh, okay.

-Well, that's good that you agreed with me. -Yeah.

-But you have to be honest, too. -Yes.

To a certain extent.

To me, the downside of being really attractive is you gotta keep it up.

You can never drop your guard.

How happy are we with the way we look?

Oh, I don't know, I really don't care.

If I cared really about how I looked,

I'd put my teeth in and I would shave once in a while.

You know, I never wear lipstick.

Did you know that?

-I don't either, but... -Did you ever see lipstick on me?

-I don't either, but... -I have no makeup. I'm naturally ugly.

I don't really like calling people, like, "Oh, dude, that person is ugly."

-It's better you say... -Unattractive.

Yeah, you're not attracted to them. You know what I mean?

-You don't try to call somebody that. -I don't like "ugly."

I don't believe that. I don't believe in that.

-They can't just call somebody ugly. -No.

That's not a good word.

Fugly. That's beyond ugly.

I guess I should have more concern for how I look,

and I try to fix myself up somewhat.

There's only so much fixing he can do.

Yeah.

I think you're looking terrific.

Thank you.

I think the same about you.

What do you think her best feature is?

-Her best physical feature? -Yeah.

Oh, I just cringe.

I just don't know what she's gonna say and it's freaking me out.

I don't even know what I'm gonna say.

-See? Yes, my mother. This is my mother. -Her... Listen.

Her best physical feature is

the shape of her body.

-Her long waist and her big boobs. -That's what you always... Mother!

I think his best feature are his eyes.

-Oh, really? -Really. Yeah, you have beautiful eyes.

The shape of her body. You know, she's... She has...

Underneath the fat.

Yeah, right.

Perfect... I got a perfect face. A model face, you could say.

Thank you very much, thank you very much. I'm a model.

I guess I look okay.

I'm not overweight, not underweight.

I don't know, I'm all right.

I have a birthmark as you can see,

and when I was a child, I was very conscious of it.

But I don't even see it just because I'm used to it. I've had it all my life.

So, like, if somebody would maybe ask what it was,

I'd have to literally think a second and be like, "What are they talking about?"

And then be like, "Oh, you know..."

Is there anything you'd like to change about yourself?

Yeah. This beak on my face.

She has a big honker, but I love it.

I love my nose. I love my profile. It gives a lot of character. It looks great.

-I don't wanna talk about this. -What?

The schnoz?

-Well, yeah. -I love your nose.

Well, that's nice of you.

I don't have a Michael Jackson's nose, but it looks great.

Isn't that nice? It's nice that he likes it.

I wish my thighs didn't touch. That's the only thing, honestly.

I don't know if that's...

Is that what you mean, physical appearance? Yeah.

Just that my thighs wouldn't touch because it causes a lot of problems.

-I don't know, my feet are kind of big. -No.

I wish I didn't have any hair under my armpits, man.

I wish hair didn't grow there at all.

-Yeah, the armpit stuff is kind of crazy. -That's it.

But other than that, that's the only place...

And like hair, like... You know, like, it's gonna gross you out, man,

but you want an answer, right?

-Like, there's hair right there, dude, like... -Dude, dingle berries, dawg.

I'd like to be smarter.

I always wanted to understand quantum physics,

but the math is just beyond me.

If I could, I'd be thinner, more fit, more muscled, you know.

I'm not talking Schwarzenegger or anything, but I'd like to be a little more cut, you know.

I'd like to know kung fu. That would be cool.

A nose job would be great, but no, l...

At this point, I don't think I would ever have cosmetic surgery.

Well, I could use one of those Jay Leno jaws to be honest.

I mean, I feel like I need a jaw...

I'm getting jowls, you know, my face has gained 50 pounds,

not proportionate to the rest of my body.

All the fat, not all the fat goes to my face, but I have the double chin

and you want to just keep it at double or are you going to say...

-Triple. -Triple. Thank you.

Sometimes I feel like I might get breast implants,

not because I want big breasts, but just for the shock value.

Hey. How you doing? What's your name?

Everybody I've ever seen that had cosmetic surgery, they...

They just, they've changed so much.

Although my wife talks about...

She's expressed some interest in some body alterations at times.

But I guess that's a private matter.

You just have to be happy with who you are.

Yeah.

I will not wear a toupee.

What I got, that's it.

Do you consider yourself sexy?

Attractive, yes. Sexy?

Isn't there a song, Do Ya Think You'Cre Sexy?

There may have been, but I would never listen to such things.

Rod Stewart, right?

In that case, I certainly would never listen to it.

Sexy is...

Come over here, I wanna talk to you. In places you were never talked to before.

I know I'm sexy.

Now, I'm thick, I'm thick, but I know how to be sexy as well.

One, I think some of it's partially natural, you know.

I consider my anatomy to be very

Greco-Roman, classically proportioned.

-I'm very... -A normal-sized fig leaf would do it.

How do you feel about the concept of flying?

How do we feel about the concept of flying?

-That's as in on dope or in an airplane? -Whatever it means to you.

-Yeah... -Maybe I'll start.

I'll start this one.

Flying is okay as long as it is a short distance,

Iike from island to island,

but if I got to fly from the island to the mainland...

I estimate I've had 5 million miles of flying. I hate it.

I've had it at this point!

No, not really.

I've always wanted to fly.

Wouldn't that be cool?

-Well... -You don't think so?

Well, I think to fly on a carpet would be neat. You know?

You don't think just getting up in the air and levitating...

I don't wanna get up and flap my wings. No, I don't think that...

-Oh, God. -You know, I'm cool.

I'm more of a get-on-and-you-do-the-work.

-You just glide on through. -No, no, no.

Now, that sounds exciting to me. Yeah. Yeah.

-No, no, no. -Aladdin.

Now, would this bother you if I do this or you don't want this?

-No, that's fine. -Okay.

One of these mornings when my work is over

I'Cll fly away

We just see everything.

Mount McKinley on a clear day, flying over the top of it.

Sometimes we can see the whales

or the satellites coming down when they're re-orbiting around the Earth.

Chasing a herd of deer across the Canadian plains.

So I've done spins. I've done wing-overs.

I've flown inverted, meaning flying upside down.

We did it over a lake full of alligators in Florida.

It's hard, I would say.

And it's like, scary. It's like, crazy, and you...

First time. Imagine.

When they stop, like, swinging their wings, they, like, kind of going down, right?

And then they flip it again and the air that's coming up in every direction,

I guess that's what keeps them up.

Like, every time they go... Like, with their wings.

I don't know. That's just me assuming.

You're just supposed to think about,

Iike, having fun, and just focusing on trying your hardest.

I don't know. I don't...

If you had big, bulging wings, life would be creepy.

Okay, let's say you needed to pick something up.

If you had wings, you'd have to pick it up with either your beak or your feet,

because if you try to pick something up...

No, but what if you had wings?

-Would I still have my arms? -Yeah.

That would be freedom.

The freedom to be able to take off and lift yourself and move like that.

Okay. If I have wings plus my arms, that would be phat.

Let's say the old clich�. Cat's up in the tree. Old woman's crying.

You don't need a fireman. Just call me.

When we've flown about 16 or 20-hour days, everybody gets so punch-drunk naturally,

without liquor, that we just get so silly

that anything we say is just hilarious.

It's just crazy. It's just like one big huge party.

If the runway's relatively short, you don't want to finesse the landing,

you just want to get it down on the ground.

You don't want to float at all, you just plant it.

It's high. Very high.

Just don't look down. Or else you'll freak out.

You know, people always say they're afraid to fly.

I say, "You're not afraid to fly, you're afraid to crash." Big difference there.

I'm constantly hoping for turbulence.

No, seriously, if I fly somewhere and there's like, either A, no turbulence

or B, not enough turbulence, I am like, "Where is the turbulence?"

Yeah, I'm afraid to crash.

Basically any landing, you know,

that everybody walks away from is a good landing.

To a land where joy shall never end

I'Cll fly away

Oh, yeah.

I'Cll fly away

Awesome.

I was wondering if you could just do it a little more up-tempo?

-What do you consider art? -Oh, I got a good answer for that.

And here, I've thought about this for years.

My definition of art is anything that anyone creates

that invokes a reaction from someone else. Even an animal.

That's art.

Art's also a friend of mine, a Mexican guy, nice guy.

Oh, I love art. I love art, period. I don't hate... I don't hate art. I love art.

Art is an expression of people, of what they express.

You know what I'm saying? So that's what l...

I love all type of... I love arts, also. And I consider art everything.

I love art. Art is just, like, dope.

It expresses the artist's feeling about his or her life.

And his perception.

Or feelings and emotions

about a particular time or era...

And it's beautiful.

I really think most people don't know very much about printmaking.

I've had occas10n f0r p30pl3 t0 w4nd3r 1n 4nd s33 m3 doing prints

and they're always really surprised and interested in how it works

because it's a really interesting medium.

Of course, when you say art, the first thing a provincial like myself would say

was that the paintings you see on the wall,

but art is also ballet, art is theater...

Also girl-watching.

I see art in everything.

Just walking down the street, seeing debris on the street.

And people don't... They miss that. They miss that point.

-I like going to museums and art galleries. -Nudity!

You don't even really have to go to a museum to see art.

I love the fact that there's that elephant at the zoo that paints.

You know, is that art? No. You know why?

They taught the elephant to put the brush in paint.

Now, the monkey that throws poo, he's making art,

'cause he's living in the experience.

"l don't want to look at your ugly face, man, I'm going to throw poo at you." That's art.

Have you heard about a gorilla that paints in the zoo?

Yeah, I heard about that gorilla. Yeah, I heard about that stuff.

-What do you think of that? -Gorilla, he don't know what he doing, man.

That's a monkey painting, man.

My work time, when I create, is the most private time of my life.

I don't want others there.

Mainly because I'm working at such a feverish level.

I think the print that I just made has greater complexity

than that first print I made of the day.

That print has this area of black in the middle that I think is really rich.

Some of that modern art stuff, that's getting way out of context, man.

They're trying to push the limit.

Trying to be the next van Gogh or whatever, know what I'm saying?

Walking around all half-naked, painting, "I'm express..."

Like, man, "Put some clothes on, man."

I hate how people don't think Dogs Playing Poker is high art.

-It's pop art, isn't it? -I don't know. I just think it's really cool.

Just because you say it's art, doesn't mean it's art.

For instance, in Central Park, that moron with the flags?

That was not art. That was not art.

-Dogs Playing Poker? -Dogs Playing Poker rules.

It is good. I mean, it looks like dogs.

Suppose you say that art is representational, essentially.

Then, you know, look at that painting on our wall over there,

-that Jackson Pollock... -It's hideous.

I don't think it's hideous at all. I think it's a great painting.

Oh, my God, no.

-But it doesn't represent anything, so... -You said you saw a penis in it.

Well, I once thought I did.

I like lmpressionism in general.

Like, I can do chicken sounds sometimes or duck noises...

Art might be totally different in the mind of the creator

and in the various eyes of the beholders.

They may all have a different idea about what it is and what it means,

and they're... None of them are wrong.

Somebody could take a pile of dog crap

and put a couple of Mr. Potato Head ears or mushrooms on it. To them, that's art.

My number one pet peeve,

my biggest pet peeve in the whole world, is dolphin art.

I really don't like that.

But I wouldn't... I don't hate dolphins, actual dolphins.

Who's the guy on TV?

"Hi, the happy squirrel. Let's make some happy clouds.

"We're gonna get the big fanning brush.

"Let's mix a little umber, a little yellow, a little ochre, a little blue.

"Okay, stroke, stroke, stroke..."

I think modern 20th-century art...

If you don't discuss comic books, then you're either just a snob or a fool.

I think my face is like a Picasso painting.

'Cause my eyes, one is lower than the other one.

-That's a horrible... -Well, you said it...

Well, Picasso was a good painter.

I'm attempting to create a character for comic books.

I just have, like, flashes of pictures of the guy in my head right now.

Like, right now, I'm trying to picture the costume.

I'm trying to picture his background, but really nothing concrete yet.

I'm just in the basic framework of it right now,

I haven't really gotten into it the way I want to.

There's a lot of people that are really gifted artists

-that are just walking the streets. -Oh, yeah.

I myself am a small... Small... I've...

-Dancing is totally our thing. -lt does become an art.

We started to have ballet maneuvers, you know.

Yeah, I'll put my leg on his head. Like, I'll actually lift my leg up all the way...

She'll put her leg on my head. And I'll lift her up on my back.

I consider ballet or interpretive dance,

you know, a la Martha Graham or something like that. Yeah, that's artistic.

But booty-shaking, crotch-grabbing, hunching... No.

And we'll go riding piggyback style to Goth music.

And then she'll fly between my legs

and we'll like, jump up in the air... Tons of stuff we do.

-We love getting rowdy. -Yeah.

Some people paint. Some people write music.

But somehow you have to affect the world and the society.

It's all about leaving something for history.

Wow, that was a really good one.

Or maybe it's just to leave your mark.

It's an art to make somebody laugh.

A comedian is an artist.

If he can bring laughter into this world, that's a form of art.

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