Original subtitles

♫ You got to change ♫

♫ You got to change your evil ways ♫

♫ Baby ♫

♫ Before I stop lovin' you ♫

♫ You got to change ♫

♫ Change ♫

♫ Baby ♫

♫ And every word that I say is true ♫

♫ You got me runnin' and hidin' ♫

♫ All over town ♫

♫ You got me sneakin' and peekin' ♫

♫ And runnin' around ♫

♫ This can't go on ♫

♫ Lord knows you got to change ♫

♫ Baby ♫

♫ Mmm mmm mmm mmm ♫

♫ When I come home ♫

♫ Baby ♫

♫ My house is dark and my pots are cold ♫

♫ You hang around, baby ♫

♫ With Jean and Joan and a who knows who ♫

♫ I'm getting tired of waitin' ♫

♫ And foolin' around ♫

♫ I found somebody who won't ♫ ♫ make me feel like a clown ♫

♫ This can't go on ♫

♫ Lord knows you got to change ♫

♫ Baby ♫

♫ When I come home ♫

♫ Baby ♫

♫ The house is dark, and my pots are cold ♫

♫ You hang around ♫

♫ Baby ♫

♫ With Jean and Joan and a who knows who ♫

♫ I'm gettin' tired of waitin' ♫

♫ And foolin' around ♫

♫ I found somebody who won't ♫ ♫ make me feel like a clown ♫

♫ This can't go on ♫

♫ Yeah yeah yeah ♫

♫ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♫

♫ Long gone, baby ♫

♫ Long gone ♫

♫ Oh, yeah ♫

♫ You got to change ♫

♫ It's all right now ♫

♫ It's all right ♫

♫ It's all right now ♫

♫ Say, hey, hey, hey ♫

Jesus.

Bless you.

Hi, Peter.

Hi, Claudia.

Could I see you for a second?

Could I see you for a second?

Sure.

So you going to leave early today, right?

You're gonna to fly home to your parents

for Thanksgiving?

Yeah, I'm supposed to.

Good.

See you in a second.

Okay.

Yeah.

Oh, my god.

I'm lost.

Where are we going?

We're going to my office.

Oh, god.

I'm lost in that graffioli.

I'm in it, like I have never been in anything.

I mean, I'm working, studying,

struggling year after year.

You know how I've been working, studying,

struggling year after year.

And it's technical, I'm thinking, yes.

But today…

Whew.

My god!

It's like he knows me.

And no time's gone by at all.

Time doesn't matter.

You don't wanna eat, you don't wanna sleep.

You forget what day it is.

'Cause that little angel, Peter,

is so calm.

What's wrong, Peter?

You okay?

You're fired, Claudia.

I have to.

Oh?

We lost 90 percent of our federal money.

You're my youngest.

Me?

Josh is…

Josh is 31.

Rose!

What is Rose?

They're assistants, and they'll be gone, too…

Within 6 months.

You can't fire them.

They're kids.

They've been here since…

- You're hurting me, Claudia. - I'm sorry.

Let me go.

Oh God.

I didn't mean to do that.

God, I hate the holidays.

♫ That's life ♫

♫ That ♫

Mom, it's me!

Oh, Jesus, Kitt.

Move over, I'd better drive.

You're running late.

Slow down, I'm not that late.

God, I ran all the way because

history had that jerk that drips death.

He kept us late in English

because Kendall's such a moron.

Slow…

Down.

- Okay, what's wrong? - I'm not gonna go.

I know you hate to fly, but it's okay,

'cause the wings won't fall off.

They go right through the plane.

I know, I know.

What is wrong, Mom?

Nothing.

Everything, nothing.

I had a not-so-good day today, honey.

Check out what you got to look forward to.

Cigarettes and junk food

and gram's famous stuffing, right?

I can't do it again.

Turn around, turn this car around.

Mom, you're going.

If I go, you go.

Yecch.

Your uncle Tommy won't be there,

and I can't face the rest of them alone.

Not now.

Yeah, you're going.

End of discussion.

The white zone is for immediate loading…

This is it right here.

I've got my ticket.

I'm leaving my umbrella,

and I smashed my thermos inside.

So don't open it, get cut,

and bleed to death while I'm gone, okay?

Honey, this is your last chance.

That's it, Mom's gone.

Do not panic.

Do not panic.

Just remember the fish,

when we went snorkeling,

how we all just floated there,

just you and me, and the angelfish.

I know, honey.

I know.

Just float.

Keep breathing.

I'll call you tomorrow.

I have Michelle's number.

When do they eat their bird?

I'm actually,

I'm having thanksgiving at Tim's house instead.

Here's his folks' number in case for like a real emergency.

Tim's house?

Yeah, please don't call every two minutes.

I'll die.

Michelle's sleeping over at our place,

and Diana, right?

Yes.

You want to move this vehicle, miss, please?

With you?

Yes.

Okay.

Oh, Mom.

And I'm going to have sex with Tim.

I mean, we love each other,

and you told me when the time came, I'd know it,

and we talked it out like adults

'cause we're not jerks and we fully realize

this is a major step,

so we're not taking this lightly,

and I just wanted you to know that.

That's all.

That we're gonna do it.

That's all.

Safely.

And not in the car.

Move this vehicle, miss.

Happy Thanksgiving, Mom.

All right, I'll see you later.

Mom, Mom, please accept

that I do my own laundry now.

I'm fine.

Dad, I don't know what you're hearing.

My throat is fine.

No, I don't want to take any antibiotics.

I can't eat that stuff anymore.

I'm sorry, but there is not a nuclear

robot on the moon.

So what if there was?

Excuse me.

Could you tell me how this thing works?

Mom, I got to go, or I'm gonna miss my flight.

She changed everything we did.

Everything.

She wants to be different.

Last year, my daughter-in-law,

who is absolutely miserable with her life

as a tax attorney,

she stuffed her bird with oysters.

Oysters.

You know, from the ocean?

Now, where does a turkey find an oyster?

That's my point, but it's just lost on her.

Lost.

Excuse me.

May I?

Oh, uh, excuse me.

Yeah.

You know, that stuff you shot up your nose is addictive,

but of course you know that.

It's all right, it's all right.

The wings go right through the airplane.

We're not even here now,

so please leave a message.

Hi.

Hi, little brother.

It's your big bad sister.

Where are you?

I'm on my way to Henry and Adele's.

Look at the makeup on that woman.

Which I know is the last place on earth

you want to drive a million miles

in holiday traffic to be at,

and I don't blame you.

Have Thanksgiving with your friends.

I would if I had any, which I don't,

'cause then I'd have to send them all birthday cards.

Which is a lie, of course,

because you know I'm only looking for pity.

Jesus.

My, my, my.

Shit.

I really wish you were going to be there, kiddo,

because, because I am sick as a dog,

and I made out with my boss,

and Kitt's gonna have sex with a teenager,

and then I got fired,

or the other way around.

Whatever.

Oh, my god.

I cannot believe I have said this to a machi…

I hate machines.

Please get rid of this tape.

It's nothing.

It's absolutely no big deal.

I'm fine.

I just…

I just miss you guys.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Give Jack a big, big, big, big hug for me.

That's it, love, Clyde.

God.

That was moronic.

Oh, no.

My son is a moron.

You know he sells thousand dollar suits in Akron, Ohio.

The idiot.

Oh, there she is.

Ah, there she is.

Oh my God, look, she looks so skinny.

She looks terrific.

What's that thing on her head?

Hi!

Smile, smile.

Smile.

No, I've got a cold, Mom,

so watch out.

Dad.

Where's Kitt?

Stop taping, I look awful.

You look terrific.

Kitt isn't coming, you knew she's not coming.

Well, I hoped against hope.

And where's your coat?

How can you leave town without a coat?

I lost it.

I mean is was…

Here.

How you lose a whole coat I don't understand.

I've had both these two coats for 10 years.

Put it on.

Here, take a look at this.

I can't read in the car, Mom.

What's the weather like in Chicago?

We had rain Monday, so your father,

the newly retired maniac I live with,

couldn't get out to play.

So just to get my goat, he sprained his wrist

lifting a box I told him not to.

Even though Stella Nimerill

and her entire family…

Who?

You know Stella, she's a chocaholic.

Now she's redoing her whole house in Chinese decor.

Henry.

Henry, Henry.

Henry!

Dad.

A car full of Larsons almost died there.

Speaking of teeth,

you see that blue building?

Without enough novocaine,

I had two molars extracted in that building once.

Christ, do you wanna hear about pain?

Maybe later.

Not that building, darling.

Not unless you went into the vet.

That's where we took Duffy

when he had that disgusting fungus in both ears.

Poor Duffy, hernia dog.

That and ringworm, too.

I got it all on tape, right, Claudia?

Even the fungus.

I can see your roots, Claudia.

Mom.

No, no, help your poor father instead.

Mom, I can do that.

Headlights, headlights.

She never shuts up,

something I didn't realize when I was working.

You do this all the time.

Why didn't you put the car in the garage?

Henry.

Dad?

Dad?

Hi, Frank.

You under the weather, too?

Hope you're hungry, Claudia.

I made your favorite meat loaf.

She doesn't eat meat, my precious.

Where's your father?

Half the time, he's hanging over my shoulder

with painted breath, and then he vanishes.

Where's my pocketbook?

Then, of course, I'm always worrying

I'm never going to see him again, right?

Mom, slow down, okay?

You're making me nervous.

Ha!

You nervous?

You're the rock of Gibraltar.

Take that coat off, or you'll melt like a thermometer.

Give me a kiss, gorgeous.

Oh, God.

Empty the dishwasher first.

Now, Mrs. America.

God, wait till you see your father's organ.

He can't keep his damn hands off it.

Oh, honey!

Oh.

I can't believe you're not going to

call your daughter tonight

to see if she's even still in one piece.

Kitt's fine.

I promised I wouldn't call her.

All I know is I couldn't sleep without knowing

if my own flesh and blood was dead or alive.

But then, Kitt's not you, and you're not me.

What the hell does that mean, Mommy?

The yin and the yang, that's what it means.

It means that Kitt's ungrateful,

just like all these kids these days.

Look at your sister Joanne,

the way she's ungrateful.

Mom, Joanne's a saint.

That's for the pope to decide.

Right now, she's a pain in the ass,

under my feet every 10 minutes.

Wait till she comes barging in here tomorrow,

little miss organized with her fabulous nutri-bird.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

We're not doing the turkey?

Of course we are.

I'm doing my bird, she's doing hers.

Don't ask.

You're not going to eat that meat loaf, right?

Just because it was once a cow?

What's the point of eating raw meat, mother?

Well, there is no point.

I mean, life makes no sense.

Look at you.

You paint as good as Vincent van Gogh here.

So why isn't some man from Japan

giving you 63 million dollars just for one lousy picture?

Because I'm not a painter anymore, Mom, right?

I work in a museum.

Don't you want to answer the phone?

Actually, I may not be at the museum

all that much longer anyway.

Just for the hell of it,

I might change jobs.

Answer the phone, Mom.

You know he won't.

Good evening.

I never heard of him.

Consult your directory.

It's too dry in here.

My goddamn pants are sticking to my socks.

They fired you.

I…

I…

I'll kill them.

I mean it.

God, don't tell your father.

I've got money of my own.

You just tell me, I've got a thousand dollars

hidden under the living room rug,

just underneath his TV.

I never said…

I only said that I was thinking about changing jobs.

I never said they fired me.

I'm not broke.

Not right away.

I can take care of myself.

I can take care of myself, damn it.

Reddi whip.

Smell it and weep.

Get out of here.

Go look at your tube.

I detected gas in the kitchen.

He's lying.

All I know is, when anybody comes in here,

they make a beeline for your brother Tommy's picture.

"Who did that," they say.

"My oldest, my smartest daughter," I answer.

"But she's busy squandering her god-given talent"

"filling in the holes"

"on some dead people's pictures in Chicago,"

"the windy city."

Then the closest I ever come to being creative

is my goddamn stupid puzzles, right?

Float.

Just float.

Oh.

You need a prescription.

It's a 24-hour bug.

It's just going around.

Jesus!

Oh, stop that on the rug.

Come here, gorgeous.

No, no no!

No, I just ate.

Ah!

Ah.

♫ It's not unusual ♫

♫ To be loved by anyone ♫

♫ It's not unusual to have fun with anyone ♫

♫ But when I see you ♫ ♫ hangin' about with anyone ♫

♫ It's not unusual to see me cry ♫

♫ I wanna die ♫

I'm the smartest woman you know.

♫ Candy ♫

♫ I call my sugar candy ♫

Here's an alarm clock, here.

I have one.

Thanks.

But this one's set for 5:10

to help stuff my bird.

Sneak in and shake me,

and then we'll tiptoe down and go stuff the bird,

unbeknownst to his majesty.

Dad, why'd you do that?

Because he's infested with jealousy.

Because it was too bright.

It's supposed to be a three-way,

and now it is.

Ta-da.

Say, "Thanks, Dad."

Thanks, Dad.

Mr. fix it all of a sudden,

but he doesn't know where anything is in his own house,

which drawers, I have to tell him everything,

like a stranger.

And the way he drives.

You watch, one of these days he's gonna mow down

a whole troop of cub scouts.

And, of course, I'm sure you've noticed

he's getting awfully fat in his old age.

Boy, I'm beat.

I should unpack.

I was in the car wash the other day.

Listen to this.

"Dear Abby."

Oh, Mom, not Abby.

"I think my mother is losing her grip on reality."

"All her life, she's been this happy-go-lucky,"

"outgoing personality,"

"who cried a lot in private,"

"but to strangers was a barrel of laughs."

"Now lately, she's gotten real bad."

"She wakes up every morning frightened."

"And she gets real worked up about war and crime"

"and taxes and those terrorists."

"And she thinks the president secretly owns McDonald's"

"and the home shopping channel."

"It's not funny."

"Signed, distraught."

What did Abby say?

Well, that's not the point, really.

What the hell does dear Abby know about life anyway?

5:10 a.m.

Just a little shove.

I barely sleep anyway anymore.

♫ Who's the cat that won't cop out ♫

♫ When there's danger all about ♫

♫ Shaft ♫

♫ Right on ♫

♫ Shaft ♫

Get up, get up, get up.

We're here.

This is the spot.

Is this it?

Yeah.

Oh, man.

There's one of 'em.

The man of the house?

He looks dangerous.

Oh, yeah.

He's a loose cannon.

Look at him.

Come on.

Okay, I had a little pumpkin pie.

Henry!

Hi.

Tommy!

Tommy, you asshole!

You asshole!

No, I'm with your son!

What the hell is he doing here?

What?

Guy in the hall.

Who's the guy in the hall?

Oh, God, I thought he was with you.

What the hell are these?

That's a new toy.

Oh, god!

Who's he?

Oh, that's Leo Fish.

Shit.

Who's that?

So I figured, what the hell,

Mom's always got

a thousand-pound turkey.

Let's surprise her.

Hey, where you hiding Mr. Gobbles?

Is he down in the basement with Dad's stinky canaries?

Hi.

Guess Jack's not coming?

Tommy!

Put that back!

Oh, look what your father did already

with his crazy fingertips.

That bastard.

Oh, Frank!

Frank!

Oh, this is Frank.

So, are you losing your mind yet?

How long have you been here?

Uh…

11 hours and 14 minutes.

I'm not gonna make it.

He's not responding at all.

Mom, I have got the best trendy booze for you.

It's apple cinnamon liqueur.

We're pushing it all over the northeast this year.

It's a huge hit, but you get it first

because you are Adele Larson, trendsetter.

Spin, Mommy.

♫ Mi grande madre ♫

With a light merengue backbeat,

and you know you're digging it.

That kid has moves, huh?

It's all in the hips.

Wow, you just got here, what, a couple of minutes ago?

You know you're digging it.

Six more of these.

Enough, enough!

I'm gonna have a stroke like Dot Kovak.

Oh, no, Dot Schmot, Mom.

You got a little B and O railroad down there, okay?

Come on, go.

Get, get in the shower, will ya?

Do a Silkwood shower for us, will you?

Put on a wig.

I'm starving.

Fish, Leo?

You on the grub?

Yeah, sure thing.

So catch me up.

How's Chicago?

How's our lovely niece Miss Kitty?

Come here, come here.

Did you check your messages on your machine?

No, been on the road all day.

Why?

And when you finally do check them,

I was kind of…

What?

Fragile.

Ooh!

Check out that Leo, will you?

He used to be a cook, short-order variety in Montana.

Now he's in Boston, and he's mine.

He's just mine, mine, all mine.

Aren't you, Leo?

You bet.

He's taking over half my territory.

I'm just introducing him around.

Excellent.

He's cute.

He's swell.

How's Jack?

How's Jack?

Yeah.

How's Jack?

How's anyone?

It's the '90s, come on.

Dance, jump in the egg, jump in the yolk.

Yolk and the jump in the yolk, huh?

Dance with me, right, Fish?

Whatever you say, fowl.

You remember.

She remembers.

Punch your teeth in.

Couple of bachelors on the road,

a girl in every port.

Life is just one big Hawaiian luau

for your brother and that boy Leo.

Oh, come on, Mother.

Leo's with Tommy.

They're together.

Obviously, there's something wrong

between Tommy and Jack, and I was not told.

I've made up a list.

Some last-minute foods

for Mr. Bigmouth and his friend.

Then I want you all to hurry up

and go get your aunt Glady

before I have to hear how we forgot she exists.

Mom, close the door behind you, okay?

No?

Okay, no problem.

I usually shower in public.

I have no pride.

I have no rights.

I'm only four years old.

Hee hee!

Hee hee!

It's me!

Mr. Wonderful.

I want your knees.

I swear to god, Tommy, I'm naked in here,

and I am too old…

Tommy!

They are the worst!

Hut!

Claud!

Claud, get off the phone now!

You're not being an American!

I don't get it.

What?

I don't get it, nobody's answering.

One second, come on.

Don't worry about it.

We're going to go get some tickets.

Tommy, I'm going long.

I'm going long!

Go, Fish.

I'm going long!

Oh!

Ho ho!

My hero.

I'll trade you my peewee for your groceries.

No, no, no.

You feeling a little foolish?

Sure.

Something wrong with that?

Whatever works for you, pal.

The star player, Leo, a.k.a. Go Fish!

You know I'm starting the nose story now, right?

You don't mind, do you?

He's deep in the pocket!

The throw!

Oh!

Score!

It is a score!

It is a score.

Leo, damn, come on.

It's your story, bambini.

Hook me up.

What happened next?

Nothing.

Leo breaks his nose.

All afternoon, blood and yellow

is flying out of his nose.

It's Amityville,

but Go Fish is unfazed.

Unfazed!

Way to go, Leo.

Kick ass!

Tommy!

Get over here and unlock this car.

That's not the point.

Now.

The point is he can't sleep,

because he can't breathe right all weekend.

Who cares?

Who gives a rats…

Well, I think Leo cares.

No, I think we've heard enough, Tommy.

Come on.

Enough with this.

So his parents are concerned.

They cart him off to a nasal specialist.

Guy pulls out these big tweezers.

You know, 10, 12 inches…

Tommy, okay, there's no point to this.

But he learned this story somewhere.

So we're back to the doctor's, see?

He's rooting around up inside his schnoz,

and obviously this guy's not a big wiper.

He smells light poo-poo on the fingers.

Oop, contact!

Contact!

What came out was originally just a little cyst

full of pukey bubbles and pellets

has now grown into a horrible, shiny,

fleeceless, disgusting… Tommy.

Skinless ferret.

Then they had to pull out the power tools

and Stanley steamer to pull that damn thing out.

Get a little ladder, get a little fulcrum on that.

It came flying out of there

in the pus and the blood and the poop.

And it took out half your brain,

and it was just horrible.

There was just shrapnel and people

and the smell…

Smell it.

Smelled like a horse's butt flap.

Stop!

Stop it!

Whatever you say, babe.

I meant you, not the car.

You knew I meant you.

Be specific.

I just don't remember it being this bad.

Of course not, love bug.

It's denial, you know?

'Cause basically, it's the kind of thing

that would have flown out of Claud's uterus.

Your poonie?

Out!

Tommy!

I'm out!

You guys have so much fun!

That was wrong.

It feels wrong.

So much fun!

That's your sister, for God's sake.

Have fun.

Yeah.

Have…

A lot of fun.

You've gotta fix this, man,

'cause you've hurt her feelings.

I hurt her feelings?

We'll take care of this thing.

Get your skinny little ass back in here!

Come on, Claud!

People are starting to look at your wardrobe.

Claudia, come on, he didn't mean it.

Come on, I'm sorry.

He didn't mean it.

I'm really sorry.

Come on.

Claudia?

Claudia Larson?

It's Ginny Drewer.

Ginny Johnson Drewer.

Ginny…

Ginny Johnson?

Homecoming…

Queen?

Yes!

Claudia Larson.

Most likely to succeed.

I'm in Miami now.

With Ron.

Yo, Claudia.

Long time no see.

Likewise, Ron.

But you're divorced, huh?

You and Eddie?

Years ago, years ago.

Actually, we were never even married actually.

Oh.

My mother said that your mother said

you're in St. Louis.

Chicago.

But I mean, not living back here in…

I'm certainly not living back here.

This is not my enormous coat.

I, of course, lost the stylish one that fits me

at the airport.

So, where's your son?

Don't you have a little…

Daughter!

She's not so little.

I mean, she's not fat.

She's 18.

Hey, gosh, speaking of coats,

isn't yours endangered?

This?

Yes.

But I mean, you know, it wasn't,

it wasn't when I bought it.

Well, then, I guess you did your part, huh?

Oh!

Drive, Ron!

That was very good.

Thank you.

Ah, no sweat.

No sweat.

Very clever.

Listen, I've gotta tell you something.

I have this fantasy.

I don't want to hear about it.

And she's 16, my kid is 16, not 18.

Because, yes, I started early,

but not that early.

Am I, like, totally turning you off?

Are you what?

Just say so if I am, please.

What do you expect?

Jack meant a lot to me.

Jack again?

You know, this guy is really startin' to piss me off.

Jack was special.

I thought he was the one.

Bless you.

Listen, maybe Jack was an honest mistake.

You know, shit happens.

Why should I discuss this with you?

I'm gonna try to forget about him.

Don't worry.

Listen, I didn't believe that your kid

was 18 for a second anyway.

Do I look worried?

You look a little tense.

You do.

Well, I'm certainly not worried about what you think.

I don't even know you,

so how can I be worried about anything that's…

Mother of Christ, come on!

Mr. Ridiculous, Aunt Glady's waiting.

We got to go.

Let's go.

Claud, come on.

Come on!

Come on.

I'm serious.

Come on, come on.

Come on, Claud, Leo.

Come on.

I wouldn't do that.

Tommy!

Ooh.

That's better.

Yeah.

Your plants are so beautiful, Aunt Glady.

How many do you have now?

210.

Hmm.

That's a lot.

Want to see a really big boil?

No, thank you.

Not today.

Oh, here.

I hate a lot of lipstick.

Your mother uses too much of that

orange goop that all the prostitutes love.

I think I,

I think I smell gas in the kitchen.

Do you want me to…

Claudia, I won this on The Price is Right,

and I want you to have it.

That's so great.

You're the only one who'll ever appreciate the birdies.

Oh, now?

You want me to…

But I couldn't…

Take it!

Otherwise, my landlord will.

He sneaks in whenever I leave.

Claudia!

Is this your car?

It looks like a carnival ride!

Jeez, it's really hot back here, isn't it?

I'm frigging boiling.

And my leg is gonna to fall asleep

in this position.

Was that you?

No!

How fast can you go, Tommy?

Like the wind, honey.

Glady, Glady!

I'll…

Here we go.

Take the pie, Tommy.

Okay.

Oh no.

She flashed me, Claud.

She flashed me.

Jeez.

Welcome home.

Where's Henry?

Where is he?

He's vacuuming.

Another new hat?

I made his favorite.

Key lime pie.

I hate that color on you, Glady.

Key lime pie!

M&Ms?

Claudia, come into the kitchen.

See what's in the furnace room.

The furnace, I imagine.

Claudia, go check the furnace.

Do it for your mother, right?

Put that by the olives, the bag.

Yes, ma'am.

I don't know, Mrs. Larson.

It looks perfect to me.

It's firing perfect.

You got 20, 25 pounds…

Hey.

Good news.

Leo might almost actually like you.

Shh!

I'm gonna kill her.

Why?

Russell Terziak is in there.

Russell Terziak.

The Russell Terziak.

♫ Sad sack Terziak ♫

Shh!

Hey, you know what?

I broke his heart.

You gave him his first blow job.

And I crushed him.

There's nothing wrong with her boiler.

She has 20, 25 pounds per square inch pressure.

She will not rest unless I marry this guy.

Hey, you know what, what the hell is wrong

between you and Jack, huh?

'Cause you don't tell me, you know?

You don't even call me.

I tell you everything.

This is a projection.

I'm fine, Jack's fine, everything's fine.

I'm concerned.

Do you wanna talk about it?

Is everything all right or all wrong?

Yeah, as a matter of fact.

If you could tear yourself away from Mr. Wonderful

for about two seconds, we could take a whack at it.

Me?

You're the one staring at his everything.

Yeah, a pretty boy.

Born that way.

Not his fault.

Eggnog.

Please, a puss like that?

♫ Eggnog ♫

You love it.

Here, take this,

and I also brought Russell a treat.

Working like this on Thanksgiving.

Russell, you get right over here

and take an eggnog break.

And look who's home for the holidays!

Wow, this is working.

Come on, I wanna watch Claud.

I wanna see.

Please, no no no.

Hi, hi Claudia.

Hello, Russell.

You got a…

Hiya.

Whoo, whoo.

Mm-mmm, good.

You work for the…

Here's something you've got to see!

What?

It's right here.

Oh, no, I don't think I want to see this.

Oh sure you do.

I'm just lettin' the guys have a day off, you know,

so they can visit their families,

since I'm all alone this year.

This is the saddest sack in the universe.

Yeah, I don't have anybody anymore.

My brother and sister got canned and they left town.

And then my parents went and died on me.

I'm so sorry, I had no idea.

Yeah, well, you know.

It was a car wreck.

It was last summer.

Drunk driver, cut right across the…

What was it, you know?

Meridian.

And pow pow.

It was a head-on.

So, like I said, I don't have anybody anymore, really.

Nowhere to go, you know, today.

Uh, no family or nothing.

Um, but I guess, uh, everybody sort of needs me, you know?

I mean, everybody needs heat, right?

Huh?

Oh, yes.

And, they're counting on somebody to be there.

And, hey, that's me today.

You know.

See?

Yeah, but…

Didn't you have a girlfriend, or…

Yeah, she went and married my best buddy, right?

You look, you still look so beautiful, Claudia.

Oh God, I do not.

Ah, you do too.

Well, I guess, well, this was nice.

Yeah, it was nice.

I'm kind of glad your furnace acted up.

You know, maybe next year will be better for ya.

Hey, yeah.

Or, uh, or worse.

Hey, Tommy.

Hey, Russell.

How are you?

How you doing?

How about them Panthers, huh?

What?

Three big ones, huh?

Oh, my god!

That's, like, big winners.

Well, duty calls.

Yeah.

Merry Christmas, if I don't ever see you again.

You have a nice life, Claudia.

She'll bounce back.

Trust me on this.

She feels her feelings when she feels them.

Feelings come up, and she actually feels them,

which is great.

She'll bounce back, you'll see.

Trust me.

Battle stations, battle stations!

The wonderful Wedmans are here!

Claudia, is this you?

Is this you?

Oh, my god.

Look at that Charlie's Angels hairdo!

Please put that down.

They're not moving.

They're playing possum.

I'm no fool.

I'm gonna flush them out of the bunker.

Tommy, don't start right in on Joanne.

Please don't.

No answer, still.

They must be…

Eating.

That's his car.

We'll do our best to ignore him, Walter.

Don't let him get to us,

'cause that's what he thrives on.

I was told he wouldn't be here, Joanne,

so I didn't prepare myself.

I have to sit here for a minute

and prepare myself.

Mom, this gravy's leaking.

If it ruins my dress, I'll just…

What, you'll sue us?

Grrr!

Lock the doors.

Aaah!

Grrr!

T-rex.

Grrr!

Mom, tell him to stop.

Hey, is this safety glass?

That does it.

That's it.

Hey, Mr. funny business.

Hi, Jo, how are you?

Where you been?

We ate already.

What?

Your mother distinctly said…

Walter, he's lying.

He's lying.

Get out of here.

Give me that food.

No, no, no, don't touch.

Stop him, Walter.

Let me give you a hand with that.

We have it.

Let me take it.

All right, take it.

Brittany Lace, hug your aunt Claudia.

Hey, Brittany.

I've got a cold.

Where's Mom?

How's she holding up?

She's in the kitchen.

Here, give me some of that.

I'm Leo Fish.

I'm sorry, you're what?

Fish?

Leo Fish.

That's his name.

Well, I guess congratulations are in order.

No.

He's with Tommy.

I think something awful's happened

between Tommy and Jack.

Yeah, and everybody in town knows it.

Shouldn't we go in there

and see what's taking so long?

They don't want us to.

Look at all these sweet potatoes.

We don't need all these sweet potatoes.

Walter will eat them.

He's constipated again,

so I hope you made enough niblet corn.

Did you forget the jello salad?

I bet you did.

Claudia, my hot pads now have little labels on them

so you'll know where what goes where.

I may pass out.

Some more?

It's good, it's sweet.

Not like that dry stuff you sent me.

That's a sporty necklace.

You make that yourself?

Fruit loops.

Maybe if one or two of you helpless gentlemen aren't busy,

you could give us a hand with these crazy birds.

Not you, Henry.

You're not strong enough with that wrist.

Let the younger people do it.

Look what I did.

Isn't it just too perfect what I did?

Oh, it's beautiful, honey pie.

Tommy, no.

Let big Walter take mine in.

Beep-beep, brother-in-law.

Hey, three Bs, huh?

He's a poet and barely knows it.

Brittany, look, Mommy left that pubic hair in there.

Oh, you're a pig.

You got your tag up.

You want that tag up?

All right, I'm coming.

Jeez!

Mom, let us, okay?

Just calm down.

Dad, did you hurt your wrist?

It's the last chance for jack-in-the-box.

Supreme, super tacos.

Jumbo jack.

Sex.

Drugs.

Cranberry sauce, yams, gravy,

mashed potatoes.

Carrots, where are the carrots?

Here, here, right here.

I got them.

Calm down.

I can't remember everything.

I can't do everything!

Nobody asked you to.

Come on.

Where is everybody?

People are starving in the former Yugoslavia.

Come on, let's eat!

Come on.

All right, everybody, sit down.

Boy, girl, boy, girl.

Who cares where they're sitting?

Come on, let's get on with it.

♫ We gather together ♫

♫ To ask the lord's blessing ♫

♫ He hastens… ♫

♫ He, he hastens and chastens ♫

♫ His will to make known ♫

Okay.

Dear lord,

we are honored that Leo Fish,

such an attractive man

sitting right next to Claudia…

Joanne, look at your sister.

Doesn't she look snazzy?

Spectacular.

New diet?

Dear lord,

we realize just that lately

everything's changing too damn fast,

and all sorts of things are always the same,

even things we hated,

like shoveling the turkey,

and stuffing the snow,

and going through the same crap year in and year out.

Honey, food's getting cold.

As I was saying, dear lord,

before my wife interrupted me,

gimme those old-fashioned, pain-in-the-ass traditions,

like Thanksgiving, which really means something to us,

even though god damn it,

we couldn't tell you what it is,

are starting to stop,

and 1,000-year-old trees are falling over dead,

and they shouldn't.

That's all from this end.

Amen.

Amen.

A woman.

That was absurd, let's eat dead bird.

Walter, help aunt Glady.

I only want my own sweet potatoes

and one piece of white meat,

but with no skin.

Coming right up.

That's right, on the right.

Tommy, help your father carve, he can't.

Oh Mom, I'm not good at that.

Please, he's gonna hurt his wrist.

Ma, I just…

I'll carve.

Sweet potatoes?

Napkins, napkins.

Give me that.

Your father can carve.

Your father can play his organ.

Like nobody's business.

You're the best thing on two legs, Henry Larson.

Claudia, jell-o salad?

No, it's okay.

I'm okay.

And I knew it the very first second

I ever laid my eyes on him, too.

Thanksgiving day, 1952,

two o'clock in the afternoon,

my sister brought that fellow to our house for dinner,

after his own mother had stuffed him to the gills.

And still he ate

like a horse in a uniform.

Claudia, be a good girl.

Pass the cranberry sauce to Leo.

Oh, I couldn't take my eyes off that

dark blue uniform and those bright silver wings,

and his big, strong hands.

And he had a little mustache.

I think we should just…

Stay out of it.

I think we got to hear this.

Go for it, Glad.

I was 18 years old,

and he was only 21,

and we were both so nice-looking.

I can still taste the salt on his lips,

those soft, soft lips,

and that tickly little,

oh, tickly, tickly little mustache.

I can still feel it

43 years later,

like a toothbrush.

He kissed me.

When?

One Christmas eve.

And for one special moment,

my own little life was as big as I could

ever want it to be.

To have someone so close to you,

they're inside you,

when you're feeling small and scared

and just…

So…

Disappointed in yourself.

And whenever I look at your father,

I know how lucky my sister must be,

because he made all my dreams come true for her.

I was a Latin teacher.

Holy shit.

Leo,

Leo, would you pass my stuffing?

And tell us what you did

before you went to work for our boy.

I got fired a lot.

Oh.

Jesus Christ,

no relief in sight here.

I'll cut it.

So, Walter, how's the bank business?

Got any new federal regulators

breathing down your throat this week?

No, Henry, we are quite squeaky clean, thank you.

Oh, so I should give you guys my money, huh, Walter?

Well, Henry, considering that

at the present moment in time cash is king,

it'd actually be a good idea…

I want that gravy.

No, it's terrible.

'Cause it's Joanne's, not hers.

I was talking here.

Bless you.

Walter, when you say cash is king, what's that mean?

Cash is the fossil fuel

that keeps our economic pistons pumping.

Who wants a leg?

Me!

You a leg man?

No, no, no.

He wants lean white meat from our turkey.

Never mind a leg.

Here, have a wing.

Pin that to your jacket, Wally.

That's an actual replication

of an actual captain's wings.

You already gave me a bunch of wings.

Every year.

Then why ain't you wearing them,

you little ingrate?

Dad, don't.

Don't, Dad.

It's a joke.

The kid knows it's a joke.

Yeah, but Joanne doesn't.

Is that my fault?

Here, here here here.

Caveman, caveman.

That's what we need.

People making things, and buying things.

Buying, making.

Please sit down.

No, I said need.

Give me a kiss.

Thank you.

All I'm trying to say is,

we just get loaded down with all this stuff

that we don't need.

We get fat, like, uh,

human cholesterol or something.

Is that my fault, too?

What?

Leo, what are you saying?

Human cholesterol, Wally, stuck in the system, right?

Big gobs of human fat choking the economy.

Just eat them.

Too much stuff.

Yeah.

What?

Huh?

Where?

Everywhere.

We carry around all this excess baggage.

Exactly.

What the hell's wrong with this guy?

You bet your ass.

Cholesterol, that's what I got.

That's all this bozo in the white house is up to,

among other things.

No politics on Thanksgiving.

What Walter was trying to say, Mr. Fish,

is that cash is king precisely because…

The point I was making, Joanne,

if I might make my own point,

is that it is high time all banks

got back to some rock-solid loan fundamentals again,

for heaven's sakes!

Easy, Walter, easy.

Don't let…

No, Claudia.

Enough already.

For heaven's sakes, it's high time we all did.

Get back.

Oh, your pills, Dad,

don't forget the ones with food.

The high pressure ones in your pocket.

What pills, Dad?

How can I forget them?

If I forget them, someone reminds me.

Or your mother reminds me.

I don't mean anything political.

You eat too much.

He eats all day long.

We're America.

Who buys it?

I open the cabinets, there it is.

You tell 'em, Papa cash, you're paying for it,

you eat what you want.

Don't encourage them.

Oh, excuse me, Ms. Siddhartha.

Don't comment on things you don't understand.

Don't start with me,

because you'll lose.

I said common sense, damn it.

Nobody makes sense anymore.

Nothing makes sense anymore.

Right!

Not even this goddamn bird.

I'm trying to get an angle.

Did you spot weld this, Mom?

You cocksucker!

Mommy!

Sit down!

Baking soda.

Baking soda.

You goddamn bastard!

You ruined my mommy!

Get it off me!

You goddamn bastard!

Oh shit.

Honey, it's okay.

Look at my tie.

Joanne, look at this, look at your father's tie.

It's useless.

I know how you feel.

You don't know how I feel,

and, in my opinion, you don't even care.

Well, opinions are like assholes, honey.

Everybody's got one and everybody thinks

everybody else's stinks.

Henry, for Christ's sake!

This has been a complete holiday nightmare!

I have to go.

Oh, god, Joanne, nice drama queen energy.

Can you just set it down

so it gets better for once instead of worse?

You're calling me a drama queen, Mr. Pervert?

Dad, put the camera down.

Not now.

Mom, Dad, wait, wait, wait.

Try to think back like a hundred years ago, okay.

I'm dead serious.

Because I'm gettin' a feeling from this picture.

Back when you guys came back from the hospital with Joanne.

Tommy.

Now, she was just a tiny little baby, right?

So anything could happen.

Is it possible there was a baboon family in the hospital

and that there was a switch up, a little mix-up?

And maybe you got the wrong one?

'Cause I'm not kidding about this.

You little sleazy…

Aw, gee.

Claudia, it's not even worth it.

No, you're, you're calling me a freak?

No, I'm calling you a product of baboon lovin'.

There's a distinction.

Joanne.

No, don't muzzle me!

You and I both know I am the only normal person here!

I am!

I know.

I just…

Oh, your secret's safe with us, cheetah.

My secret?

Oh, that's great.

Let's talk about secrets, huh?

Congratulations, honey.

May you and your husband live happily ever after,

Mrs. Gordon, or whatever the Christ you call yourself now,

or he does.

Did you wear a dress?

Did you wear a white veil or a blue garter belt?

What the hell are you talking about, Joanne?

You make as much sense as a…

No shit.

You and jack?

Yeah.

When?

Three months ago.

August 17th.

When what?

What?

We'll talk about it later, okay?

Yeah, now's not the time.

Where?

On a public beach.

All his darling little friends were prancing around

like idiots and falling all over each other.

He kissed him on the lips,

right in front of…

Oh, I could throw up.

Mommy, I'm too bored.

I have to go home.

Tommy.

What?

Did you wear a dress?

No.

Sorry.

You know, I have friends in Boston, Tommy.

Did you ever think of that?

You know that there's other people in this world,

people who tell people.

I mean, how embarrassing.

Dessert looks pretty good.

You thought that I was…

I forgot to tell her, you don't mind, right?

That Tommy and I were…

Yeah, okay?

Yeah.

It's okay, honey.

Come on.

Hmm?

Just sit down, Joanne.

So, Claudia, we haven't heard a peep from you.

How's your glamorous life?

Hee hee.

My glamorous life…

My life.

My little life.

Tommy?

Your glamorous life?

Hit me.

It's all right?

The glamorous part.

Well, she was just fabulously fired from her job.

You know plenty.

I check my messages.

Shall I continue?

Oh, yeah.

All right, well, uh, niece Kitty

is probably, definitely losing her virginity

and perhaps getting pregnant simultaneously

this very as-we-speak-end.

Kind of like, well, uh, like…

Kind of like her mom.

Like her mom.

And that is pretty much it for her glamorous life.

No, uh-uh, 'cause, uh, the boss thing.

Oh, my god, that's right.

She was also making slutty lips

with her 60-year-old boss.

Why did you do that?

Just 'cause.

Just for scuzz.

Nobody tells me anything around here.

♫ Henry, Henry ♫

♫ Give me your answer, do ♫

♫ I'm half crazy ♫

♫ All for the love of you ♫

♫ It won't be a stylish marriage ♫

♫ I can't afford a carriage ♫

♫ You'll look sweet upon the seat ♫

♫ Of a bicycle built for two ♫

Nice work.

Yeah, nice work, guys.

As usual, I'll go calm her down.

No, no, no, no, no, I'll go.

I said I would.

Oh, Jesus Christ, I'll go.

It's my wife.

Oh, Jesus Christ, I'll go.

It's my fault.

I'm sorry.

I just acted like I was two.

Okay, the rest of us,

we'll just sit here in the dark

and keep each other company.

Right, Glady?

Company.

What else is there?

Mommy, where are you, please?

Shut the door.

You okay?

You look, you look okay.

It's all relative.

Nobody means what they say on Thanksgiving, Mom.

You know that.

It's what the day's supposed to be all about, right?

Torture.

That and giving thanks

that we don't have to go through this for another year,

except we do, 'cause those bastards went

and put Christmas right in the middle,

just to punish us.

Come on, let's go out and keep eating, okay?

It'll all be okay if we just stuff ourselves

till we can't even think anymore.

No, it won't.

You don't have a job,

my 16-year-old granddaughter

is hopping into bed with her mother's blessing,

and my sister's losing her mind.

I mean, all that sick gobbledygook

about when we were kids, and Henry…

Everybody's okay.

And Tommy's somebody's wife.

Mom, no, no.

Everybody's growing up.

We're all growing up.

Boy, if that isn't the nail on the head.

Oh, look at my feet.

Look at your sneakers.

What's with your sneakers, Ma?

Oh, bunions.

Your father cut some holes in the canvas

so as to relieve the pressure.

My Dad.

Yeah, but big deal.

What's it gonna be next week?

What is this, a couple of women

on the verge of a nervous breakdown?

I hope you're happy, Thomas,

I hope it was a nice wedding,

and I hope one of these years,

you'll send your poor devastated mother some pictures.

We didn't take any pictures.

Well then don't send me any pictures.

Everyone takes pictures…

Who would I show them to anyway?

How do you even know it happened?

'Cause I was there, Jack was there.

It happened, okay?

It had nothing to do with you.

Is that all right?

Tell me that's all right.

Why is everybody unhappy?

If only my children were happy.

Mom, please stop.

We're not unhappy!

You are so unhappy.

You didn't do anything wrong.

Mom, wait, wait, wait!

What, what, what?

Enough!

You're a pain in my ass, you got bad hair,

but I like you a lot.

Well, you know me.

I can't change.

Believe me…

Neither can I, Ma.

Even as a little boy…

You didn't want us too close.

Joanne…

What a dick.

I'm impervious.

It's in one ear and out the other.

Life goes on.

All the way!

Go! Go!

Oh, another one!

My turn.

Let me have it.

Larson fades back.

Give it to me, uncle Tommy, give it to me.

He's never felt this kind of pressure before,

this relentless a pursuit in his whole career.

All the way, Tom!

All the way.

All the way, Tom!

Oh!

He was right in my way.

59-0.

This is a blowout.

That's not fair.

You can't be washing the car

and then playing football at the same time.

You have to soak this whole tablecloth

in vinegar and lemon juice now, mother,

and right away.

I have to burn it in hell.

That goes over there.

Thank you.

Watch me do this.

I'll get it!

Hello?

Guess who this is.

Hey, Jo,

if you want to get out of that dress, I mean really,

I got some stuff upstairs.

No, I don't, I don't want to get out of this dress.

It's nothing you'd be caught dead in,

but I love this dress.

That's not what I meant.

It's Kitt.

She wants to talk to aunt Claudia.

Oh, Kitt!

Kitt, it's grandmother.

Happy thanksgiving!

Are you all right?

Oh, I'm stuffed.

I can't move.

Well, don't do anything strenuous.

Promise?

How's mom?

Tim, cut it out.

She's like a rock, which gives me hope

that my granddaughter will show common sense.

I never called you, I swear.

Oh, my god, you know what?

I gave you the wrong number by mistake.

So, how's it going?

God, I miss you so much.

You forgive them anything,

just because they got out.

Wow, Chicago!

Wow, Boston!

Joanne, I'm hearing this.

So what?

Be my guest.

Honey, I'm going to try to sneak across the kitchen

to someplace nice and safe.

Tim, I mean it.

God.

Little kitten, little kitten.

It's me again.

Hi, you again.

Well?

So, where are you now?

I'm here.

I said well…

Well, what?

Don't well what me.

You know perfectly well "well, what?"

Oh, that.

Yes, that.

So did you?

Did you…

No!

God, Jesus!

Is that all you can think about, sex on the brain?

Tim's being a jerk all of a sudden.

He keeps grabbing me, putting his hand up my dress,

making noises like a horse.

Okay, let me talk to his mother.

Mom, I can handle it, okay?

Just relax.

Just remember the fish.

Huh?

The angelfish, when we went snorkeling?

Claudia, it's getting dark.

How am I going to get home?

I can't walk.

I know, I know, I know.

Don't worry, we'll drive you.

We'll drive you.

That fish.

The angelfish.

Just float.

Just relax.

Just remember the fish, okay?

Okay, honey.

Honey?

Remember the fish, Mom.

Hike.

I'm on your Uncle Tom.

No touching.

One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mississippi…

That's it, that's it!

You're touching!

No switching!

No switching.

You said no switching!

What the heck?

34-Zip.

Oh, 34, huh?

34-Zip, huh?

That's my car.

I'm not doing anything.

That's my car, man.

What are you doin'?

What're you doing to my car, huh?

My car, you punk!

Get off me, you punk!

You're such a…

If you ever call my wife a name again,

I swear I will take your head off…

Come on, guys, knock it off.

She's my sister, I'll call her whatever I want!

Knock it off.

Ah, sorry.

Are you all right?

Hey, hey, hey!

What the hell?

You made me hit my friend!

I didn't hit your friend.

I didn't touch your friend.

Hey!

Ah!

You get off!

Hey, what are you doing?

It's okay, it's okay.

Go back to all your own goddamn holidays.

Weenie!

Come on, guys.

You control your son!

Come on, shake hands.

This is stupid.

This isn't stupid.

He's stupid.

Come on, now, cut it out!

Stop it!

Leave us alone.

Just leave my family alone.

Come on.

Stop this.

Into the house, everyone,

before we're in the evening news.

Bonehead.

Lost cause!

Aw, shit.

Deck the halls.

I can't wait for goddamn Christmas.

Hey, why don't we get naked

and go out to the fresh, fresh, fresh evening air…

Come over there.

Sit down, let me dry your head.

Take off your pants.

Okay, that's it.

We're selling this dump.

We're moving.

Can't take the shame.

Answer that, will you, tubby?

Me?

What if it's one of your bingo women,

or your idiot cousin reminding us

which day is trash day?

Answer it.

I'm busy.

Herro, rawrson lesidence.

Oh, uh, hi, Jack.

Same to you.

Grand old time.

Here he is, soaking wet.

Had to hose the genius down.

Oh, uh, Jack, uh…

I think I mean this…

Uh…

Congratulations.

You're a good kid.

You deserve a lot better.

Hi.

Hi, baby, how are ya?

God, I miss you.

Ahh, I'm not gonna to make it.

Listen, you're gonna be fine.

You're gonna be fine.

Just relax and take a big breath.

How's my real family?

Your real family's great, everybody loves you.

They're all here,

eating turkey in our bed…

Come home, Tommy.

And Susan says come home.

I miss you, man.

I dropped a 24-pound butterball on Joanne's lap

just for laughs.

She's fine, actually.

She's really, she's grown and changed a lot.

You're not really gonna sell the house,

are you, Dad?

You want a beer?

Want some wings?

How about money?

Sure, I'll take a beer.

Nothing fancy.

No imported shit.

Here's to us.

Americans.

Enormous TV.

Too big.

Second and four, Atkins just a little faster

stopped him short.

This time big and fast.

Wow, I'm impressed.

♫ I want to be loved by you ♫

♫ Just you, nobody else but you ♫

♫ I want to be loved by you alone ♫

♫ Boop boop be-do ♫

♫ I want to be ♫

I'm watching the game, okay?

It's kind of funny, but it's not.

It doesn't sound good.

This is bad.

This doesn't sound good, okay?

Claud, can you get the Captain and Tennille

off the keys, here?

You have so much in common.

Sure will.

You tell me.

How do you do it?

How do you keep,

how do you keep…

Who, me?

♫ I pick myself up ♫

♫ I dust myself off ♫

♫ I start all over again ♫

Ooh, I feel a medley coming on.

Fish, we're friends.

We're even in business.

Don't blow this.

Joanne, Claudia,

here's Joanne's leftovers

and her goddamn tupperware she conveniently forgot.

I don't want them rotting here overnight

before she comes in the morning

to drag me off Christmas shopping.

Tonight?

I got to go over to Joanne's tonight?

Yeah, my hair's all wet, and I can't find my underwear,

and who knows what kind of trouble I'd get into out there.

Listen, take my car.

The keys are in the jacket pocket,

and I got a full tank.

My treat.

Come on, Ma, I got a carcass to pick with you.

Claudia, you and Mr. Fish take aunt Glady home

before they start singing again.

You okay?

My safety light's on again.

Magic.

Aunt Glady, where's your key, so I…

I leave it unlocked.

I can manage.

Uh, aunt Glady, could I use your men's room?

It's a long ride back home.

Come on.

She's as clean as a whistle.

You should meet my aunt Harriet someday.

♫ Hmm, pick yourself up ♫

♫ Dust yourself off ♫

Ah.

This is mine.

You can't have it.

She gave it to me.

Tommy said that you were big on cappuccino.

Black, I like it black.

What else did he say about me?

Well, that you sounded kind of cut off.

You know, sad and hassled on the phone

from the airplane.

Kind of shaky.

So I figured, you know,

take her out…

So you did come up here to, you know.

Take care of the…

Your brother showed me your picture, okay?

Hey, that picture of you,

that was something else.

Hey.

Just 2 coffees to go, regular, decaf,

doesn't matter.

We're closed.

No, you're not.

Yeah, we are.

We're closed.

No, no, you can't be because I'm standing right here

in front of you,

and you're too young to understand

how desperate I am just to have this great date

because you think like I felt when I was your age,

that there are a million wonderful girls out there

just waiting to make you happy.

Right?

You are wrong.

You are so wrong.

Now give me two coffees, will ya?

Was I naked?

Were you what?

In the goddamn picture that Tommy showed you.

Wow.

Shaky.

I can't believe you said that.

I'm not shaky.

You can have two to go.

You just can't stay here.

Yeah, you're closed, I know.

You know, remember I told you

I had this fantasy about you?

It's a simple thing.

Want to hear about it yet?

No.

Well, aren't, aren't you even curious?

Nope.

Why not?

I mean, I'm letting you climb inside my head.

So you don't want to hear

about this fan…

No, no, no, 'cause, you know, you're weird.

Oh, I'm weird?

No, no.

The whole world is weird,

and it is getting weirder every day.

So, you're nuts.

I'm nuts?

I'm nuts.

You know what happened in Sweden?

Nope.

You didn't hear about this?

No.

You didn't hear about this?

Doctors cured a deaf man

by yanking a 47-year-old bus ticket

out of the guy's ear.

Yikes.

So don't tell me about cotton up my nose,

thank you very much,

and in the next 47 years,

at the present rate of progress,

these new doctors they got,

they're gonna to tell you the day you're born,

what kind of horrible disease you're gonna die from.

Plus, now in California,

they have these people

throw birds in your car

while you're waiting at the stoplight.

No.

Yeah.

So you better lighten up,

because that's the way it's gonna be

every year of our lives,

no matter where the hell we are,

from now on, until we all just dry up

or blow away,

or get hit by a bus.

Are you through?

No.

Give me the goddamn time of day, will you?

Aw, shit.

I left all her crap in the backseat.

How the hell you doing, Walter?

Here, let me help you.

I can manage.

She can manage.

Boy, can she manage.

Hey, is your mom around?

She's in the basement.

She got so upset, she's working out.

Thanks.

Joanne?

Step, ball, change.

Step, ball, change.

Joanne.

Step, ball, change.

Step, ball, change.

Look, I'm sorry,

I'm sorry.

All I want to do is stop the carnage.

I don't know when I'll be back,

and I feel awful,

because Mom…

Mom and Dad…

We don't have to act like we're 10 years old, Joanne.

I'm 10 years old.

I know how old you are, sweetie.

So how about you just scoot upstairs

so I can speak to your mother here

for two goddamn seconds.

If I ever talked that way…

I said stay the hell out of it, Brittany!

Do not yell at my kid.

You got one of your own someplace, don't ya?

You said a bad word.

I'm not perfect.

Look, I said I was sorry.

Well, that's great.

You know, you just think

you're so much better than we are.

What?

Huh?

Take it easy!

Do you have to do this in the house?

Mommy and aunt Claudia are fighting.

Joanne, you need your head examined.

Don't tell me what I need!

Don't tell me what I need.

Mom needs her puzzles,

and she needs to lose

every single thing she owns 40 times,

and dad needs to wash every car

in the neighborhood until his fingers bleed,

and they both need to keep me going 24 hours a day,

seven days a week,

trying to anticipate every single thing

that could go wrong.

So, don't.

What's gonna happen to 'em?

They're gonna explode?

They're getting old.

We're all…

Getting old.

That's great.

That's great, Claudia.

What should I do then?

Run away like you and Tommy?

Just live it up, right?

No grown-up responsibility.

Just wallow in your own exotic little lives.

You don't know the first thing about me, Joanne.

Nothing.

Oh, likewise I'm sure.

If I just met you on the street…

If you gave me your phone number?

I'd throw it away.

Um…

We don't have to like each other, Jo.

We're family.

Do you mind?

This is the only thing I do all day

that I like.

I'll let myself out.

When you go home, do you look around and wonder,

"Who are these people?"

"Where did I even come from?"

You look at them all sitting there, you know?

They look familiar, but who the hell are they?

It's like…

Do you feel this way?

Oh, sure.

Par, par, bogey, bogey, par, par.

That's what I get all summer.

My dad plays golf, and I ask him,

"How's your game, Dad?"

And he tells me his latest round was,

"Par, par, bogey, bogey, par, par, son."

Like I'm picturing every hole.

I don't even know how to play golf.

I don't even know what kind of expression

to put on my face.

I swear to God, I want to scream.

But, I just smile because.

'Cause I figure he wants to scream, too.

I'm starving.

Me, too.

All right!

We gotta have some of this.

I like this.

Where's the milk?

Where's the milk?

On the door.

That's it?

Sure.

I'll never eat again.

I'm horrified about what I've put in my mouth

in the last 25 hours and 11 minutes.

You know, I don't know that much about art.

I know about liquor and food and…

Hold still.

You got something between your teeth.

What?

Secret ingredient.

Get it out.

Shut up.

Hold still.

Ah ah.

Hey, what if my parents catch us?

No TV for a week.

That wasn't me.

I'm sorry, I tried.

I honest to God tried.

I'm sleeping here.

Come on, you're supposed to be on the couch.

I'm sleeping here.

So, what's going on?

What are you all up to?

Hmm…

Did Leo tell you about this bad lunch liquor barn meeting

we've got all the way in Salisbury tomorrow?

No, I didn't get a chance.

It's early, man.

It's really early.

I figure we have to leave before dawn, so…

I'm gonna make myself scarce.

No.

You know what?

I will.

Go get her, man.

She's got her own room.

You son of a bitch.

Be smart.

Don't be stupid.

Be smart.

Knock, knock.

Go away.

Who's there?

Leo.

Leo who?

You can't come in.

This is my childhood bedroom.

I'm not.

I'm standing out here in the hall,

talking as quietly as I can because your father

has a great big baseball bat.

Remember?

And I am taking a huge chance.

That's what life is all about.

That only sounds good when you say it, Leo.

I am way too old for that.

Way too…

What are you, 70?

80?

And we live so far apart.

1,500 miles.

It's a commute.

You're scared.

I just need to go home

and hug my kid,

and read a good book and find a job.

Oh, be brave.

Don't be scared.

Come on.

Leo, Leo, Leo…

How's your nose?

It hurts.

Mmm…

Mmm…

I rest my case.

So close the door.

I really have thought about this, you know.

I don't know when.

Oh, Claudia.

Claudia.

Are you sure you have everything?

You're welcome at my house anytime.

Yeah, you, too.

Thanks again.

Thank you!

Okay.

Take care of yourself now.

You hear me?

Be careful driving.

Do you hear me?

Watch out.

The roads are slippery.

Who was that guy?

I'm starting my coffee if anybody cares.

A bunch of clowns.

Aw, look at that.

Clown family.

Okay!

Here's what I'm thinkin'.

Okay.

I always settled for less.

Not true, not true.

I let stuff get in my way.

I did it with my work.

I did it with my pleasure.

Dad, please.

You don't have to explain.

Yes, I do.

Because all of a sudden,

one day, you're sitting in the cellar,

looking at pictures on the wall,

and you think,

that wasn't me at all.

That was some other guy.

Some other guy with a smaller waistline

dancing with Adele.

And the way we fit together.

You'd open a vein for that lady.

She'd open it for me.

Do you remember that day, you kids

and your mother,

and all the five of us,

all standing down on that tarmac

at the airport on my lunch hour,

where they don't allow normal people,

right almost on the goddamn runway!

But I have my maintenance pass,

and my kids are squirts.

The fog is lifting.

Your mother's got a vice grip on my arm,

and the ground is shaking,

and Tommy and Joanne are holding on to my pants

for dear life.

And vrooom!

Here it comes.

That brand-new 727,

looking like some kind of whatever.

And when that sucker takes off,

there you are holding on to no one.

Eyes wide open, just like your dad.

You were fearless, huh?

Huh?

Fearless.

Great moment of my life.

Great.

1969.

10 seconds, tops.

A drop in the bucket.

I wish I had it all on tape.

♫ The very thought of you ♫

♫ And I forget to do ♫

♫ The little ordinary things ♫

♫ That one oughta do ♫

♫ I'm livin' in a kind of daydream ♫

Penny for your thoughts.

I let him get away.

Didn't I?

♫ The mere idea of you ♫

♫ The longing here for you ♫

♫ You'll never know ♫

♫ How slow the moments go ♫

I worked this airport 23 years,

and they won't let me through the jetway.

I'm crying.

Why am I crying?

Hold my hand, tubby.

Got to go, Mom.

There's never enough time, right?

That's what I hate about airplanes.

I think I'm never going to see my kids again.

And cars.

Come on, mom.

Buck up.

There's always Christmas.

Yeah, whether we like it or not.

Maybe I'll try to…

I know you will.

I love you guys.

I know you do.

Look at her.

We made her.

What about your lunch with the liquor barn?

Well, you know, this really weird guy I work for

says he'll cover for me.

I can't believe it.

You know, I have this fantasy.

You want to hear about it yet?

No.

Well, tough luck because now I have you trapped.

I have this fantasy where I sit in one place for two hours

with this beautiful, intelligent woman

who I barely even know

and who hates to fly.

And we just sit.

Quietly.

And think.

And we'll drink orange juice?

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, yeah.

And then maybe,

then maybe we hit this huge fog bank.

Yeah.

So she grabs my hand,

and she looks into my eyes.

Kind of like this, you know?

I know.

I know you know.

But maybe not.

Maybe…

Maybe we just land in Chicago,

and I'll hop the next flight back

to wherever I came from.

Flight 814, 11:30 a.m.

And we just wave good-bye,

and we'll never have to see each other again.

Well, what's the point?

Well, there is no point,

except if we get hit by a bus someday,

at least we'll know we had those two hours together,

and we won't have to wonder.

And we won't even take pictures.

So no one will ever be the wiser.

Except us.

Except us.

Well, what if…

Shh.

♫ The very thought of you ♫

♫ And I forget to do ♫

♫ The little ordinary things ♫

♫ That everyone ought to do ♫

♫ I'm living in ♫

♫ A kind of daydream ♫

♫ I'm happy as a king ♫

♫ And foolish ♫

♫ Though it may seem ♫

♫ To me ♫

♫ That's everything ♫

♫ The mere idea of you ♫

♫ The longing here for you ♫

♫ You'll never know ♫

♫ How slow the moments go ♫

♫ Till I'm near to you ♫

♫ I see your face ♫

♫ In every flower ♫

♫ Your eyes in stars above ♫

♫ It's just the thought of you ♫

♫ The very thought of you ♫

♫ My love ♫

♫ I see your face ♫

♫ In every flower ♫

♫ Your eyes in stars above ♫

♫ It's just the thought of you ♫

♫ The very thought of you ♫

♫ My love ♫

♫ Well, come on ♫

♫ Come on ♫

♫ Didn't I make ya feel ♫

♫ Like you wanna own me ♫

♫ Yeah ♫

♫ And didn't I give ya nearly everything ♫

♫ That a woman possibly can ♫

♫ Honey, ya know I did ♫

♫ But each time I tell myself that I ♫

♫ When I think I've had enough ♫

♫ Well, but I'm gonna show ya, baby ♫

♫ That a woman can be tough ♫

♫ I want ya to come on ♫

♫ Come on ♫

♫ Come on and take it ♫

♫ Take another little ♫ ♫ piece of my heart now, baby ♫

♫ Whoa, whoa, break it ♫

♫ Break another little bit of my heart ♫

♫ Why don't ya ♫

♫ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♫

♫ Have another little ♫ ♫ piece of my heart now, baby ♫

♫ Well, you know you got it ♫

♫ If it makes you feel good ♫

♫ Oh, yes, indeed ♫

♫ You're out on the streets ♫

♫ Lookin' good ♫

♫ And, baby deep down in your heart ♫

♫ I guess ya know that it ain't right ♫

♫ Now, but now, but now, ♫ ♫ but now, but now, but now ♫

♫ Hear me when I cry ♫

♫ Then when I cry all the time ♫

♫ But each time I tell myself that I ♫

♫ Well, I can't stand the pain ♫

♫ But when ya hold me in your arms ♫

♫ I sing it once again ♫

♫ I said come on ♫

♫ Come on ♫

♫ Come on, yeah, take it ♫

♫ Take another little ♫ ♫ piece of my heart now, baby ♫

♫ Whoa, whoa, break it ♫

♫ Break another little bit of my heart ♫

♫ Why don't you ♫

♫ Yeah ♫

♫ Whoa, whoa, have a ♫

♫ Have another little ♫ ♫ piece of my heart now, baby ♫

♫ Well, you know you've got it ♫

♫ Shine, if it makes you feel good ♫

♫ I need you to come on ♫

♫ Come on ♫

♫ Come on and take it ♫

♫ Take another little ♫ ♫ piece of my heart now, baby ♫

♫ Whoa, whoa, break it ♫

♫ Break another little bit of my heart ♫

♫ Why don't ya ♫

♫ Yeah, come on ♫

♫ Have a ♫

♫ Have another little ♫ ♫ piece of my heart now, baby ♫

♫ You know you got it ♫

♫ Wah ♫

♫ Take it ♫

♫ Take another little ♫ ♫ piece of my heart now, baby ♫

♫ Whoa, whoa, break it ♫

♫ Break another little bit of my heart ♫

♫ Why don't ya ♫

♫ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♫

♫ Have a ♫

♫ Have another little ♫ ♫ piece of my heart now, baby ♫

♫ You know you got it ♫

♫ Shine, if it makes you feel good ♫