Original subtitles

[bright tone]

- Yeah, baby, so that's the real reason why

I think Eminem should say "nigga."

- Oh, my God. [laughs]

That's my high school band teacher, Ms. Johnson.

Hey--

[stammers] So weird.

I went to vacation bible school with that girl.

- Mm-hmm.

[soft dramatic music]

- Dewayne? - Mm-hmm?

- What is happening?

- And one and two

and three and four and four and five and six.

- Oh. Oh, my God.

What did you do?

- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

And they shimmy, shimmy, shimmy, and jump, jump.

They gonna upjump, baby. Look at that.

[grunting to the beat] Yeah, hands to the sky.

♪ ♪

- When did everybody learn-- should I know this--

- Come here. - Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. - Yeah.

Asia Naomi Campbell, will you marry me?

- Nigga, what the fuck is wrong with you?

Why would you propose? You just lost your job.

- Surprise!

I quit my job to devote myself

to organizing this flash mob full-time.

- You quit? You told me you got fired.

I cussed out your boss.

- It's a viral proposal! It's what you always wanted.

- No, what I always wanted

was to find a black lady therapist in-network,

but I guess I dream too big.

[harp strums]

- Darling!

- Mom? - Isn't this just everything?

Your mother is going to be on the YouTube,

and they are gonna love me.

- Mom, what are you doing here?

You called him "that fuckboy" just last week.

- And yesterday. Hey, bestie.

- Sweetheart, you know how I feel

about the art of the dance.

Anyway, when your fuckboy here called me and asked me

to choreograph this very special proposal for you,

how could I say no?

- Bam! - Whoa, that is huge.

You can't afford that. - But we can.

I put everything on a credit card in both our names.

- Oh! - [sighs]

- Honey, don't be rude.

This fine young man is trying to do something nice for you.

- Dad?

- I found Clarence up on Facebook.

- Hey, sugarfoot. - What are you doing here?

You abandoned us 12 years ago.

- Well... - I did not know that.

- It's true.

I figured since you were getting married,

you probably wanted to have your father here.

- Okay, first of all, I am not getting married.

Secondly, I never want you anywhere, ever.

- See?

That kind of attitude's why you can't get a man.

- There's one proposing to me right now!

[dancers cheering] - Energy!

- Okay. [laughs]

I'm sorry, everyone, it's just--

we've only been dating for, like, three months.

- Oh, sweetheart, your father proposed to me,

we'd only been dating for three days.

- Tiffany, you hate Dewayne.

You tried to set me up with one of your coworkers last week.

- He is garbage, but this is a dream come true,

and I love to dance.

- That's right, bitch. You do be loving to dance.

She do love to dance. - Mm-hmm.

- Yeah, the rest of y'all, none of you like him.

Okay, he--he doesn't eat vegetables.

His fingernails stay dirty.

He says "irregardless."

- [chuckles] And I do not return text messages.

- Why would any of you participate in this?

- It is your 35th birthday next month.

- Oh, so now you remember my birthday.

Shut the fuck up, Clarence! [all gasp]

Everybody, this is over.

Go to Cheesecake Factory or something, except for you.

You disappear from my life again.

- Baby! Baby.

- You called my mom? - I--

- Honey. Honey.

- [laughs] Yeah.

♪ ♪

[music fades]

- [grunting rhythmically]

[Megan Thee Stallion's "Hot Girl"]

♪ ♪

- ♪ All the hot girls make it pop, pop, pop ♪

♪ Bad bitches with the bag say, "Ah, ya, ya" ♪

♪ If he ain't talking 'bout no money ♪

♪ Tell him, "Bye, bye, bye" ♪

♪ And if you see a mad ho, tell her, "Hah, hah, hah" ♪

♪ Hey, don't get mad, ho ♪ - ♪ Get mad ♪

- ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪ - ♪ Get a bag ♪

- ♪ Don't get mad, ho ♪ - ♪ Get mad ♪

- ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪ - ♪ Get a bag ♪

- ♪ Don't get mad, ho, huh, fuck a broke ho ♪

♪ Don't get mad, ho ♪ - ♪ Get mad ♪

- ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪

♪ All the hot girls make it pop, pop, pop ♪

♪ Bad bitches with the bag say, "Ah, ya, ya" ♪

♪ If he ain't talking 'bout no money ♪

♪ Tell him, "Bye, bye, bye" ♪

♪ And if you see a mad ho, tell her, "Hah, hah, hah" ♪

♪ Hey, don't get mad, ho ♪ - ♪ Get mad ♪

- ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪ - ♪ Get a bag ♪

- ♪ Don't get mad, ho ♪ - ♪ Get mad ♪

- ♪ Get a bag, ho ♪ - ♪ Get a bag ♪

- ♪ Don't get mad, ho, huh, fuck a broke ho ♪

♪ Don't get mad, ho, get a bag, ho ♪

♪ Ah ♪

[birds chirping]

- I'll put my foot in these canned green beans.

I don't know what y'all talking about.

[laughter] Tastes like it.

- Yes, you did. - Well, get used to it.

- Mm, guys, I miss my man.

- Girl, which one?

- My main one, Kevin. - [scoffs]

- Oh, no. - I miss men in general.

- We haven't even been here a full day.

Y'all some thirsty bitches.

- Hey, hey, Kevin was a good boyfriend, okay?

Now, he stole my car one time, but he brought that shit back.

[spoon clatters] - With a girl in it.

- Aww. - You have bad taste in men.

That's why I only date tall dudes, okay?

They're confident, so they don't need to cheat.

- Oh, I'm sorry. - What?

- Have you never heard of the NBA?

- Thank you.

- Okay, that's why I like my men exactly 5'6".

No more, no less. [chuckles]

- Mm-mm. - What?

This short queen stans for her short, faithful kings.

- Okay, you know what I like? Big feet.

- Ooh. - [giggles]

- Oh, no, no, no, not for dick reasons.

I like to share shoes. I wear a men's size 12.

- Fascinating. - You shouldn't tell, baby.

- I prefer no feet!

I don't want them to be able to walk away.

- [softly] Oh.

- And I love a man with big, thick arms.

- Four of them so he can two jobs.

[laughter] - Nice teeth, huh?

- Oh, but with a gap. - Ooh, a bald head.

- Oh, and big, hairy back. - Ooh, girl.

- I don't care. Judge me.

- I got it. This is y'all's dream dude.

[laughter]

- Aww, don't laugh. He look just like Kevin.

- See, that's your problem. - Yeah, what's up with you?

- You got bad taste. - I cut her off.

[hip-hop music]

- The Reefs have an exciting year of gangbanging ahead of us.

Blippity-blippity.

all: Scat-scat-scat.

- But first, let's murk these announcements.

This year, we're excited to announce

that you can now work from home two days a week

as part of our new tele-bang policy.

[excited chatter] - Oh, oh.

- And we're increasing our paid parental leave

from four months to six months.

- Oh! - Ah, shit.

- Lowering my risk of postpartum like a motherfucker.

- And just to be clear,

we're not calling it "maternity leave" anymore,

because we don't want to be complicit in enforcing

a cisnormative agenda, blippity.

all: Scat-scat-scat.

- Now, we got a few new members here today.

So let's start off with a little icebreaker.

State your name, where you're from,

and one positive thing you hope to get out of being in the gang.

Young blippity?

You first.

- Okay, um...

Hi, everybody. My name Jess.

Um, I'm originally from Houston,

but no, I don't know Beyoncé.

[laughter]

- You wild.

You wild. - Um...

I'm just really happy to be here.

You know what I'm saying?

I think that's it.

- Hold up!

I asked you to include a positive tidbit.

- Oh, my bad, um,

I'm just really trying to get back--

- No, you were too busy being a comedian.

And since you don't want to follow instructions,

I'm assigning your mark ass to the corner of 3rd and Bonaparte.

- Aww. - 3rd and Bonaparte?

But that corner stay in the shade.

I'll be cold.

- Pack a light jacket, buster.

Don't let this 401(k) fool you.

I'll still fuck you up. [feet thumping]

- Okay, bad, blippity.

- Now, please note that after this meeting,

We will be taking a tour of Reef territory,

including all of our satellite corners.

Shelly will be giving assignments

to all of our new members,

while Wanda "Yikes" over here

will keep her same breezy-ass corner.

All right, who next?

State your name and your goals for trappin'.

- Shanedra.

[birds chirping]

[tense music]

♪ ♪

- Why you sitting there looking all blippity stupid?

- You asked me my name. Shanedra.

- I also asked for your goals.

- Oh. To bang.

- Okay, you too cool?

You can't introduce yourself with enthusiasm?

You been a Reef for, what, five minutes?

You already trying to stunt?

You didn't even finish your start paperwork, homey.

You think you hard?

Finish an I-9 without looking at your driver's license, nigga.

That's hard, nigga!

What? Oh.

Okay. Okay.

Why don't you take your tough ass

and wash our delicates?

[soft indistinct chatter]

- [scoffs]

- [whining] That's nasty, though!

- Yeah, be sure to use an unscented,

toxin-free detergent.

Nigga got eczema.

[sighs] Next.

- Oh, is it my turn? Tee-hee-hee.

- What the fuck do you mean, "Is it my turn,

tee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee," huh?

What part of "next" don't you understand?

Some--mm, somebody about to get fired,

and I mean fired-fired.

[overlapping shouting] - Don't kill her!

- No! - Don't kill her!

- Kill her?

The only thing about to die is her career.

Yeah, take your gun,

the motivational posters,

and don't even think about a severance package!

- [sighs]

- [groans]

- Oh.

[garage door whirring]

- Monster.com.

Where even mark-ass busters get hired.

And we mean hired hired.

choir: ♪ Jesus ♪

♪ Take me to the higher ground ♪

- In Jesus' name, amen.

all: Amen.

- Now, before I rebaptize

everybody I caught out in the club last night,

does anybody have a prayer request or testimonial?

Please feel free to bring it forward in Jesus' name.

Uh, Sister Keisha?

[soulful organ music playing] All right.

- Praising Father God, who is the head of my life.

all: Amen.

- Now, I'm asking the congregation

to pray for me and my stand-up comedy career

'cause it is a challenge to find open mic time.

Hey, speaking of challenges... [organ cuts off]

You ever be on a airplane and they serve you some wack food?

[laughs] What's that like? You rich.

Shit, I only fly "Southworst." - Wha--ooh.

- [laughing] You know what I'm saying?

Okay, what else? What else?

Let me think. Look at Pastor.

Preachers be preaching!

Black people pray like this. [softly] "Oh, Father God."

- Well, white people pray like this.

[loudly exclaiming]

[laughter]

Hey, you ever had a nigga put you in the friend zone?

- Well, what a friend we have in Jesus.

- The friend zone!

- And His zone is in heaven. - But I was killing it.

- Well, you were killing, all right.

You was dead on arrival.

Now, does anybody have an actual prayer request?

Please come forward. Come on, sister.

all: Yeah. - Amen.

[soulful organ music plays] - [sighs]

Morning, saints. - Morning.

- I have a testimony.

You can take my résumé out

of the church bulletin because

I just got a new job in market research.

Hey!

[excited chatter] Amen!

Won't He do it.

But I still need prayer. Mm-hmm.

I'd like to ask our Heavenly Father...

how many of y'all drink Sprite?

[organ cuts off] Ooh, Lord.

Mm, mm, mm.

Praise the Lord.

And with those of you who did not raise your hand,

would you be more willing to drink Sprite

if you saw it drunk in a commercial

by the likes of Ms. Angela Bassett?

Ooh, okay.

Thank you for your pray--oh.

Amen. [laughs]

- Amen. - [laughs] Hallelujah!

[overlapping chatter] - Praise God.

- [laughs softly] [mic squeaks]

Thank you, Pastor. Thank you.

Church, I want to ask you to please

pray for my daughter Kiley.

- Yes. Take your time.

- She needs a man!

Anybody here today

that is single and has good credit,

raise your hand and shout unto the heavens!

Hallelujah! [exclaims]

[laughs] Yes, Lord.

I'm looking at you, local Denzel--

all tall, dark, and fine,

sitting there in the third row.

Yeah, I see you. [chuckles]

Find your way to my baby's DM.

Her Twitter is-- - Oh, okay, all right.

- And Facebook her, okay? Fa--no.

Like her on the 'gram. - All right, all right.

- Like her pictures on the 'gram, baby.

- [grunting] All right.

[laughing] Now,

let's let anything that's breathing

please stay on topic,

and if we have any of God's obedient creatures in the house,

let them come forward.

[organ cuts off] Oh, Lord.

- Lord, please.

Help my daughter to sell these damn Girl Scout cookies

so she can go on this camping trip.

For the Lord said unto them,

"Come get these Thin Mints." Amen.

- Church, I need y'all to pray,

follow, and turn on your post notifications

for my popular Instagram page, @TheBlackGirlTraveler.

And using my offer code,

you can pray for 20% off

at the Palm Springs Resort and Spa.

- All right, this altar is not here

for no spon-con, amen.

It's not here for no comedy, hallelujah.

It's not here for no Thin Mints and Trefoils.

Can I get a witness? - Yeah!

[bright organ chord]

- Does anybody up in here need a prayer?

[indistinct whispering]

Come on.

- My name James, and I need a prayer.

- Well, you go ahead on, son.

- All right. - Wow.

Here I am in church,

making a prayer request to y'all.

Very memorable.

Matter of fact, if somebody were to ask you,

"Where was James Arthur Kelly at 2:45,

July 25th, Sunday afternoon?"

You'd be able to say, "Officer,

"he was in church all morning

and certainly not anywhere near 1st Street."

[congregation gasps]

- Uh, can somebody call the police?

[woman gasps]

choir: ♪ Jesus ♪

♪ Take me to the higher ground ♪

[upbeat music]

- Ugh, so I was on a first date

with this dude, and he asked that, you know,

corny line that dudes love to ask.

"Why's a girl like you..." both: "Still single?"

- Oh, my God. - Mm.

- So I said, "Why are you still single?"

This nigga said, "I'm not. I'm married."

[women gasp] Yes.

Turns out married dudes love to hit on fat chicks.

- I heard that. - Damn.

- Yeah, I told it to you. - You did tell me.

- But I have a thing for mature men.

- Okay. - I could be into this.

- One time, I went out with a man.

- Yeah. - He was 30 years older than me.

- 30 years? - That's old.

- On our first date,

he told me how he integrated his high school.

- [laughs] - Ew!

- Come on, it was really actually informative.

- Okay, I am all down for civil rights,

but that is too "muh-tour" for me, okay?

Although I do like to learn something,

'cause most of the men I date are dumb.

- Yeah, we've met them.

- One time, I went out with this fine personal trainer, right?

So we sat down to eat,

and he was like, "Oh, it's so sad what happened--

"all them people died in that 'toot-sami' in Indonesia.

Like, that 'toot-sami' was such a disaster."

- I'm sorry, "toot-sami"? - Yeah.

So I was like, "Hey. I don't want to correct you,

but it's pronounced 'tsunami.'"

- Girl, what he say? - Girl, so he took--

let me see your hand.

He took my hand, put his hand over mine and was like,

"Oh, no. There's a T."

- [laughs] - Uh-uh.

- So dumb. - Look, home training.

I like my niggas home-trained. - Please.

Yes, yes. - Okay?

- Yeah, hit that. - Trust, girl.

- Look, I went out with this guy,

and I was doing a low-carb thing at the time.

- Mm-hmm.

- But my salmon came with mashed potatoes and spinach.

But instead of mashed potatoes,

I was gonna get another vegetable.

- Right. - I was going to.

But when the waiter starts going over my vegetable options,

this dude goes, "Actually, I'll take her mashed potatoes."

- No! - What?

- Mind you, his meal came with mashed potatoes too.

- No. - So he had his mashed potatoes.

- And your mashed potatoes. - And my mashed potatoes.

- Greedy motherfucker.

- And then in the middle of the meal,

he asked for a to-go box.

- Uh-uh.

- And proceeds to box up my mashed potatoes.

- In the middle of the meal? - Oh, no!

- And... - What?

- We split the check. [all scream]

- Who raised him? - No!

- That's where you messed up.

- You let him hit, though?

- Yeah, I mean, what that got to do with what I just said?

- Mm-hmm. - Yeah.

[laughter]

- Kwame was my wingman at the Senior Step Show,

but he stepped off with Hannah's heart.

In another life, this could've been my wedding.

[laughter]

Ha-ha, it's--it's funny.

I'm fine. To Hannah and Kwame.

[all cheer]

[glasses clink]

- Come on, Brian.

You knew you never had a chance with me.

[chuckles] All right.

It's time for a toast from the maid of honor,

my sister, Hailey. [mic squeaks]

[applause]

- Peace, brothers and sisters.

You know, I'm emancipated from that slave name.

I've told you many times via group text.

Address me as Dr. Haddassah Olayinka Ali-Youngman.

- You can't just put "Dr." in front of your name, Hailey.

Only Oprah can do that for you.

- Congrats to the newlyweds,

Kwame and my beloved baby sister,

who still embraces her devil name, Hannah.

See, see, Hannah reduces to "Ha" and "Nah"--

"Ha" being the laughter of our oppressors,

and "Nah," she shouldn't be using that name.

- Oh, Lord.

It's gonna be Aunt Maybelle's funeral all over again.

- That's why I choose to exalt her with her Igbo name,

Nkechi Amare Diallo.

- What?

That's Rachel Dolezal's counterfeit African name.

- No, no, no, no.

See, see, see, we are reclaiming that name

back from the edgeless white woman

who pretended to be a black woman

just to get that name from us.

They always plotting.

- See? I told you she was crazy.

- You didn't tell me she was deep.

- See, see, this blood diamond on your finger

is just a symbol of your ideological entrapment.

Ring, ring. Slavery's calling.

- You promised you wouldn't do this.

And that doesn't make any sense.

- No, what doesn't make sense is y'all jumping the broom.

- Hailey! Now is not the time.

- Well, how many Caucasian seconds must pass

before it's time for me to speak the truth?

Open your ears to blow your mind, original people.

Jumping the broom was not something

our continental ancestors did, no.

There weren't even brooms in Africa

because there was no dirt.

See, see, see, see, see,

the Europeans just put sticks in our hands,

even though they had been using vacuum cleaners

since the Middle Ages.

Think about it.

Dyson breaks down to "die, son."

They want us to kill our children.

[guests groan] They tried to humiliate us!

- I'm humiliated.

- The truth is...

[tender piano music]

You two have a beautiful black love

that most people would be elated to find.

- Whoo! Praise him.

- Although what me and my king Supreme Rahmeek have

transcends your earthly definition of love.

[chuckles] Yeah, see, we exchanged our vows

on the ancestral plane amongst Vibranium,

not down here on your earthly plane.

Also, he refuses to marry me on this plane for tax reasons.

- Oh, shit. Do taxes work like that?

- Mm-hmm.

- So technically, on this plane, she's single.

- But in your ignorance, dear brother-in-law,

I find a beautiful opportunity

to educate the newest member of our family.

So please, everyone,

raise your glasses, take off your shoes,

and throw your pork on the floor.

[wet thud]

- That's it!

Girl, if you don't sit your 5% ass 100% of the way down,

I'm cutting off your inheritance, Hailey.

- Okay, Daddy.

[mic squeals]

- So does Supreme Rahmeek let you have friends?

- Yeah, he do.

[upbeat music]

[indistinct chatter] - No, we're not even...

Who's gonna make cheese, you?

- Yeah, I'll do it. Hell, yeah.

[glass clinks] - Oh, no.

No. That's it.

If we survived,

then surely at least one man survived.

So I'm gonna find him

and I'm gonna call him Kevin.

[grunts]

- Okay, guys... - [laughs] Kevin!

- She bought us Beyoncé tickets

back when we couldn't afford actual lemonade.

We can't just let her go.

[door opens] - Yes, we can.

[muffled crash] - Whoo! Ow.

[door clicks] - She just went in the closet.

- [laughs]

- Okay. [laughs]

- ♪ There's no place like home ♪

[musical flourish]

I mean, no place, child.

[studio audience cheering]

- Mm.

I can't believe we owe 35 years of back taxes on this place

since we bought the building.

- Oh, is it that bad, Mary?

I kept watching the bills pile up,

but I didn't think they were serious.

- [scoffs]

Well, of course they're serious, Rose.

Shoot, if I wanted to give my money away

with nothing to show for it,

I'd just donate to Calvin's fake basketball team.

- Calvin's team not fake.

They just awful.

- Sorry, Pearl.

At least we have each other.

I shouldn't even be complaining.

- But it's what you do best.

That's why I never worked. Not a day in my life.

No job, no taxes.

[audience laughs]

- It's my fault, Mary,

but if anyone can fix it, it's you.

- Yeah, I'll figure it out.

I've seen ugly times before.

- Yeah, but what's your face got to do with your finances?

[cheers and applause]

- Morning, Pearl. Morning, Rose.

[drawn out] Mary.

Oh, why the long face, Mary?

You just find out Luther Vandross died?

- No.

If you must know, we could lose 227.

We're in deep tax trouble.

- Ooh, that happened to me once.

I was dating this shady accountant.

He was a nerdy man, but he had a big ledger,

if you know what I'm saying.

- Everyone knows what you're saying, Sandra.

She's talking about his actual ledger, right?

[audience laughs]

- So anyway,

we were about to do the nasty one day, right,

and a couple of goons show up to his house.

And they're like, "Pay us what you owe, Cletus."

And I'm like, "Don't hurt me! I'm an innocent bystander!"

But obviously, I wasn't standing, eoww!

- Does this story have a point?

'Cause I'd love to stab my eye out with it.

- The point is,

Cletus just sold his kidney and got those guys off his back.

And you'll be okay too, Mary..

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

Now somebody call me a Lyft.

I've had too many backseat hookups

that I have a bad rating. Oh.

[cheers and applause]

- See you tonight, honey.

- Oh, Lester.

I need to talk to you.

- Not now, Mary. I'm late for work.

- No, it's important. - What is it, baby?

- I need money.

Well, we need money-- lots of it.

- That's it.

Reel him in real slow-like.

- Mary, I don't have time for this.

- Lester Jenkins, I'm tired of you blowing me off.

We barely speak anymore.

Now, I really need to talk to you,

and you're not gonna ignore me one more minute.

[audience oohs]

- I can't do this.

Mary, there is something you need to know.

I'm leaving you for Sandra.

- What? - What?

- Ooh. Calvin, come see this.

- I'm sorry, Mary.

- Sorry, Mary.

- What is happening?

- This.

- [screaming]

- [screams]

[crickets chirping]

- Oh, thank God it was only a dream.

Mary. Mary, wake up.

You won't believe the nightmare I just ha--

[both scream]

- [screams]

Oh. Jesus Lord.

It was just a dream. Oh.

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, wake up.

[both scream]

- [screams]

Oh.

[breathing shakily]

Oh, thank goodness it was a dream.

Well,

I guess I better stop drinking before bed.

I mean, no place, child.

Oh, Lester, I need to talk to you.

- Not now, Mary. I'm late for work.

[crate clattering] Mary.

- And so does my stool.

- Mary, put your stuff back up there.

God.

- I mean fired-fired.

[overlapping shouting] - Oh, no!

Don't--don't-- come on, now.

- Kill her? [scoffs]

- [laughing]

- Fuck, I need to yell before you can end on "kill," right?

Queen India.Arie said it best.

There is no substitute for the truth.

Either it is, or it isn't.

Sometimes I shave my legs. Sometimes I don't.

[chuckles]

[laughter]

- Pearl, what'd I say about leaving the window open?

- Oops! Sorry, Dad.

- It's okay, baby.

[bright tone]

If your sheets are any color other than white, you dirty.

I'll be a dirty ho then. Burgundy sheets for life.

♪ (MUSIC PLAYS) ♪

INNER CONSCIENCE: Oh no. We're about to get catcalled.

-We don't know that. -Let's twerk for him.

INNER CONSCIENCE 2: The only thing worse

than being catcalled is an unnoticed twerk.

VIVA ATWOOD: See something you like?

You, uh, greased up them shin bottoms just for me.

-Oh, I did more than that. -What's your name, darlin'?

Viva Atwood. But I'd rather be "on wood."

All Glee songs are better than the original.

-Oh-- -That's psychotic.

So, I shouldn't mention that I think

Britney Spears' "My Prerogative" is better than Bobby Brown's?

♪ (MUSIC CONCLUDES) ♪