Original subtitles

You're a loser.

It's just a fact.

But what if I told you

that I could help you change all of that.

I'm a winner,

but then you probably already know that.

I'm also a connoisseur and a curator

of the best life has to offer.

Everything that you'll never get to experience

until now.

Leveraging my excellent palate and Darkstar technology,

we have strategically created Chicken Milk Beer,

so that everyone can have a little taste of my success.

So go on, slam a --.

Fucking fuck!

- Cut! Reset!

S'!

Our existence

hinges on the next 48 hours.

S'!

One more thing.

Let's kill the fucking sound, hmm?

Now, where are we with the prototype?

See for yourself.

I like it.

It's sort of cute.

So we're on track for the test'?

Broadcast window secured.

[ Bang 1

So, where in the good goddamn is my alpha subject?

S'!

S'!

If we don't make this delivery in five minutes,

we are dead!

Dead! You hear me!

Fucking hell!

Come on! Hose him down!

Hose him down!

Merry Christmas!

S'!

S'!

I'm gonna blow you up!

S'!

Whoo-hoo!

Nice!

S'!

Whoa!

What's all the noise, boys?

What was that?

- Check it out.

S'!

S'!

S'!

So, Chief, think we'll see any action tonight?

Oh, Scott.

I was an eager rookie once too.

You need to learn in this job,

it's not about looking for action.

It's about preventing it.

You should be writing that down.

Oh, uh, I was keeping my notebook in my holster

but then I need that for my gun.

Well, I lost it. so you know how that goes.

S'!

Okay.

It's, uh -- it's fine.

Boys?

You gotta give me an update, boys!

S'!

Are you grasping my lessons?

I think I'm getting a grip of it.

What the fuck is happening?

Because you need to keep your eye on the prize.

No!

Got it, Chief!

Eye, prize,

Urn, and everything else that you say, Chief.

S'!

Wipers aren't working.

I just got this car to safety, too.

Awesome.

Looks like I brought a knife to a wolf fight.

The only way to get a leg up in this job

is to be vigilant.

Cool, like the Wolfcop?

That thing is not the law.

It is a perverse myth.

You have a better chance of seeing Santa Claus.

Aah! Aah!

Don't even!

S'!

No! No!

My fucking Wolfcop!

Suspect heading towards station, prepare intercept.

S'!

You dead back there?

Oh, shit!

S'!

Hands where I can see em'!

S'!

Go.

S'!

S'!

S'!

- Rookie, we clear? - Check em' out, Chief.

Perps' already bagged.

Dammit, Daisy, that is evidence.

S'!

Oh, God.

S'!

S'!

There's an animal, something big!

I swear I put a round in it.

It's probably just a raccoon, fat off town trash.

Well, okay, Columbo.

Can the detective work.

Grab the tape, set up a 100-meter perimeter

before the lookie-loo's start showing up.

Yeah, Okay. Sorry, Chief, yeah.

Oh, fuck's sake!

Someone stole our doughnuts.

S'!

You're in charge until I get back.

♪ Crimes and crew cuts ♪

♪ Pigs and Donuts ♪

I can put up with a lot,

but stealing donuts, that's a new low.

Man: These two teams do not like each other.

You can't keep doing this Lou.

You promised me you would stay locked up.

Do you have any idea

the shit storm you caused last night?

The new recruits?

Suspicious.

And do you know what they're calling you?

Fucking Wolfcop.

Where's your car?

Your pants?

Rookie's a good shot. I'll give her that.

[ Laughing 1

What if a bystander got hit, hmm?

What the hell were you thinking?

Lou:

Shifters.

S'!

Okay.

Until we know who we can trust,

this becomes our new home base.

I will see you bright and early on duty

with donuts.

And put on some fucking pants.

You'll poke an eye out with that thing.

S'!

♪ Oh come all ye faithful ♪

♪ Joyful and triumphant ♪

♪ Oh, come ye ♪

DJ Dan: Brr! It's cold out there in Woodhaven.

It's cold like a --

My wife's heart.

DJ Bob: She doesn't me anymore

- What? - Never mind.

DJ Dan: Uh, okay.

This is BAD Radio,

I'm Dan and he's -- - Bob!

DJ Dan: Well, it must be a Christmas miracle,

because filthy rich billionaire Sydney Swallows

is reopening the old brewery.

DJ Bob: A welcome change to Woodhaviens

not just consuming mass quantities of booze,

but now making it.

Rumor has it Interim-Mayor Bubba Rich

made a pretty penny off that deal.

DJ Dan: Hey, and if that's not enough to be thankful for,

“Santa Swallows" is also retrofitting the brewery

into a sleek new hockey arena...

DJ Bob: What's in a name.

Where the Woodhaven Darkstars

will play their first home game this Christmas Eve.

The game is free, so get there early!

DJ Dan: Oh, and always, this BAD radio update

is brought to you by...

Both: Liquor Donuts!

What more could you ask for?

S'!

I'm still trying to get that image of your dick

out of my head.

Look at this! People are gonna see this!

Oh, God.

Okay, try now.

Tina!

L~\ \ \ \ I \\!

FucH Stubborn piece of shit!

All right, again!

Yeah! - Yes, good job, Lou.

- Took long enough. - Come here.

Repeat it back to me.

Drop the bodies at the morgue,

dump the present at HQ,

Torch the van.

And?

Don't stop for a beer.

No, I mean it -- not even a quick chug-a-roo.

- All right, I got it. - I'm serious.

I'm keeping you locked up tonight.

No more "lone wolf' crap.

You've got to be kidding me.

What are you staring at it for, man?

Don't be shy. Give it a try.

Just pop it and just, glug, glug, glug!

I'm on -- I'm on duty.

- Well. .. - Hey.

Everything under control here, rookie?

Uh, yes, Chief.

Interim-Mayor Rich is just showing off

what the new brewery is cooking up.

I don't know if I was technically showing off,

but, yeah, I was just sharing.

I thought.

“Slamma' Cold Cock!“

That's my way of saying hi.

What do you think?

It's a slogan, man, for the beer!

Try it! It's amazing!

Go ahead, go ahead!

Chicken Milk, right?

Yeah, that's catchy,

but I don't think you came here to pitch me, Bubba.

No. Wha-- Bubba?

I don't think we're on

a first-name familiarity here at all.

She, maybe, could call me Bubba.

You could call me Mayor Rich.

- Still pitching. - Yes, I'm still pitching

because reopening the plant

is key to the revitalization of Woodhaven.

Let me tell you something, young lady.

Considering what it took to convince Sydney Swallows

and all the Darkstar shareholders...

We don't need any unnecessary tension,

do we?

Thanks for the advice,

but I think we have things under control.

Woodhaven P.D. is all about discretion.

Hmm.

Yeah, you've got everything under control.

How many people have died in the last --

oh, I don't know -- 10 minutes?

People dropping -- like it's crazy.

They're dropping left and right.

I'm hearing it's a giant fucking Wolfcop.

Are you hearing that?

Thanks, tips.

You know, you might wanna try that.

It'll take the edges off.

I'm more of a black coffee gal, Bubba.

Well, I'm a black gal guy.

I'm gonna ask you one very important question, Tina,

and then I'm gonna leave.

Hopefully you'll answer me.

If not, it'll just dramatically hang in the air.

Ready?

How come you never see this Wolfcop and Lou Garou

in the same place at the same time?

Uh...

A Wolfcop?

God damn it, that sounds metal.

Rookie.

Tina.

S'!

S'!

S'!

S'!

S'!

S'!

Yeah, I cracked that package.

I don't know. Some kind of, uh, lizard goo.

S'!

I don't know.

This is where Willie would've been really helpful.

S'!

Okay, bye.

S'!

Well, that fuckin' hurt, you dick!

- Willie? - Hi, Lou.

Hey man, before we, you know, hug it out and all that shit,

I gotta know one thing.

Any of this goo yours?

S'!

- Shoplifter! - Aah!

Woman: Aah! Help!

Cheers, man!

Nothing like a fucking Dale Ale.

So, how much do you remember?

I remember like, I don't fucking --

Bits and bobs, man, like --

There was, like, this beautiful big, fucking bright light.

Which I think was a distraction, because behind me,

there was like a huge bulbous, smooth shaft...

Fellas!

What is this?

...that penetrated me...

...with gusto.

Oh, that's kinda nice.

And they were some weird fucking weird reptilioid dudes, man.

They, um...

They fucking violated me, Lou.

What do you know about Shapeshifters?

Well, if we're just gonna gloss over what I just said

about the fucking huge bulbous shafts

and no means yes in their land,

I don't know, man.

Shifters are my fucking sister's bag.

I'm more about, like, fucking drones

and chem-trials and Sasquatch.

Hey!

Did you ever find that fucking Sasquatch, man?

You know, I was this close, Lou!

Willie! Focus.

Shifters. - Okay, shit, uh --

So, well, basic theory is,

they're trying to control the world

by assuming the identities of fucking regular folks, man.

I mean --

Holy fuck, Lou!

Did one of them take my place, man?

Like, how much did I miss?

Oh, do I still own the fucking gun shop?

Am I still the coolest motherfucker in Woodhaven?

Does Tina Walsh still love me?

Lou, how long was I gone for?

A few months. I wouldn't sweat it.

Don't swea-- Well, easy for you to say, man.

You weren't fucked right in your identity.

Swallows: Leveraging my excellent palate

and Darkstar technology,

we have strategically created Chicken Milk Beer,

so that everyone can have a little taste of my success.

So, slam a cold cock and unleash a better you.

Ohh.

Hey Lou, um --.

Is it getting hot in here, man?

No, not really.

You got a little boys room?

Hey. Down the hall.

Oh, shit.

Yeah, Tina?

You're never gonna believe what I found in that crate.

Um, Lou?

Yeah, is everything okay?

Well, uh, is there any chance

you feel like going on a gitch run, man?

Hey, is that Willie?

Don't hang up.

S'!

What's this?

Insurance.

Frank will preoccupy the police

so there isn't a repeat of lasts night's debacle.

You named him Frank?

S'!

Smells like old people.

S'!

Really smells.

S'!

S'!

Man over PA: Happy Christmas!

Merry Hanukkah!

Joyous Kwanzaa!

To you and yours.

Carl.

You got the rights for this stuff?

Oh, yeah.

Wolfcop is an official mascot!

We share profits.

Yeah, okay.

Man over PA: Today's special.

Dale's six packs.

Now $6.66.

Enter now to be first to taste Chicken Milk stout.

So delicious, so creamy and delicious.

Shut your face. The T.V. news is on!

It sat dormant for decades,

but now the old Woodhaven Brewery

is days from reopening,

thanks to visionary business maverick

and best-selling author Sydney Swallows.

Mr. Swallows, given your business interests

all around the world,

why Wood haven?

Well, Sandy, as an entrepreneur,

I'm always looking to maximize my investments.

I like to win.

Now Wood haven's depressed economy

and cheap labor force

made it a natural fit for Darkstar.

And besides,

if there's one thing that Woodhaven knows,

it's cheap-ass beer.

Hell, yeah.

Fucking sheep.

You can thank your lucky "Darkstars"

because Chicken Milk is about to save your --

Thank you, Mr. Swallows.

Thank you.

So, where are you from?

Here in Woodhaven.

- C-cut the piece. - Swallows.

- Hey, what time is it? - It's almost 10:00.

Oh, shit.

Okay, that's unexpected.

Well, as for the weekend, uh,

it's gonna be a beautiful...

♪ Give me bad love, give me bad love ♪

♪ Give me bad love ♪

S'!

♪ Give me bad love, give me bad love ♪

♪ Give me bad love ♪

S'!

♪ Give me bad love, give me bad love ♪

Bonjour, and welcome to Club Phoque.

♪ Give me bad love, give me bad love ♪

♪ Give me bad love ♪

S'!

♪ Give me bad love, give me bad love ♪

♪ Enough to kill a man ♪

♪ I want nothing if I can ♪

♪ Bad love ♪

S'!

♪ Give me bad love, give me bad love ♪

♪ Give it to another man ♪

♪ And make 'em hungry if you can ♪

S'!

Lou?

Lou?

Cutting it close.

Seen Will, yet?

How do we know it's really Willie?

Really Willie?

Mind your fucking peepers!

Aah!

Oh, this isn't a shit.

This is not a shit!

S'!

It's in me, man!

You will not lose to a shit!

S'!

S'!

Give the girls a hand!

You piece of shit!

S'!

Aah!

S'!

How big are you?

LOU. you good?

No bullshit tonight.

Howl if you need me.

I'm afraid I have some bad news for you, Ken.

You have cancer.

You also have AIDS.

Wakey, wakey, pickle kisser!

Who the fuck said that, man!

You with me, nutsack?

Quit the drama, Nancy.

This can't be fucking real.

You are not real.

Get out of my belly!

I really don't have time for this.

I'm tripping balls!

Lou!

Lou!

Go for Chief, what's up?

Details?

Okay, copy that. Keep me posted.

Good work.

Maybe.

Willie: Uh, Lou Grou, Lou!

Do you have any fucking duct tape or a hammer

or like a fucking vice or something --

Tina, whoa.

It's Chief Walsh,

and don't you take a goddamn step, Higgins.

Chief Walsh -- I always knew you could do it.

You are a fucking vision.

Well, being the people's Chief does agree with me.

Oh, it agrees with me too. Come over here you --

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

How do I know it's really you?

The last time I saw you, you were a shifter.

Simple solution --

are you feeling the same or similar butterflies

to what you felt the last time you saw me?

When I shot you dead?

I recommend you be as honest as possible.

Honesty?

Um, okay.

Well, I gotta show you something rather personal.

I always pictured this going down

a little bit differently, but, um --

No,no,no,no,no,no,no!

You need to fucking see this!

S'!

S'!

Voilà.

Hi, sweet tits!

Fuck me.

Would you say that this is a bad thing?

It's not good.

In terms of us, is it a fucking game-changer.

Are you insane?

Hey, why don't you give one eye a kiss?

Hey!

Ow!

Uh, so, um, what would you suggest we do?

S'!

S'!

I got a bad feeling about this.

Probably cause you're drinking that rooster juice beer.

It's not beer. It's stout.

Whatever.

I don't wanna die, not on my birthday.

S'!

S'!

Fall back.

We need backup ASAP.

S'!

S'!

S'!

Freeze!

S'!

Scott!

I can get it off, one shot.

I bet you can.

That's what he said.

Go, what's your location.

We're at Club Phoque!

Officer Scott's still in the building and --

Hang tight, rookie.

Backup, ASAP!

I love an ass in uniform.

Hey!

You respect the fucking lady, man.

I will stuff you in my asshole and choke you out with my anus.

Ow! You little fucker.

Ow! You little fuck!

Jesus!

Hey! What -- What about Lou?

S'!

S'!

Lou?

You're a Wolf.

- Cop. - I get that,

I think you're missing the bigger issue here though.

The fucking wolf part man!

[ Laughing 1

S'!

Daisy!

I never should've left him.

S'!

Shit!

S'!

No. Whoa.

Whoa, Lou. Lou. Lou.

Stand down!

Rookie, gun!

All right, set up a perimeter. You stay here!

Listen to me. Teamwork, okay?

On my mark!

One, two --

Fucking hell, Lou.

As your commanding officer, I am ordering you to stand down.

S'!

S'!

S'!

S'!

S'!

S'!

S'!

S'!

S'!

S'!

S'!

S'!

S'!

S'!

Hey asshole!

S'!

S'!

Come on, come on, come on!

Come on!

Get in there! Get in there!

- Are you okay? - We're alive.

Willie: Come here, Lou.

- Oh, God. - Come on.

Tina:

Get him out of here, now! - Okay.

Mutant: Let me see the ladies, I smell them.

Uh, please ignore me, I'm not myself.

Don't worry, I got Lou.

S'!

Morning sunshine.

You gave us quite a scare.

S'!

Lou Garou, you were such an animal.

Thirsty?

Get over here!

S'!

Lou, what's wrong?

Wake up!

Hang in there, buddy.

Lou, Willie's got a plan to make you better.

I just hope she lets us in.

The only body left intact.

Gonna be a busy night.

You ever seen anything like this before?

No, never.

Let me know when you've got him cracked open.

S'!

S'!

Willie: I can't believe I'm back in the vag.

Hey, Lou, there's your Dad.

Namaste, sister.

Oh, he's barely a fucking cop, and he's my friend,

and he's the best guy around.

Open up.

You owe me!

Watch your sassy mouth!

Lou, come on, man.

S'!

“Space alien impregnates a woman."

S'!

Is that what you are man, you little fucker?

Okay.

It's a miracle he's alive.

Well, Lou Garou is the strongest and bravest man that I know.

What are you doing?

Oh, my God!

He's a Lycan!

And a werewolf -- not the point.

Can you please fix him!

S'!

Hey, that occult book -- I'm the occult guy.

Mom left that to me.

You can use it now to save Lou,

but it's my book.

S'!

S'!

Whoa, shit!

Any trouble recovering him?

A lycan lawman?

Tell me Frank finished him off?

S'!

We're less than 20 hours from our big coming out.

If that thing rears it's hairy head one more time,

I want it on my mantel.

S'!

[ Laughing 1

S'!

S'!

Wait, so, this is your plan?

You're gonna save Lou with a dusty piece of shit?

S'!

S'!

Kat, come on.

S'!

Hey, you sure that's -- that's a good idea?

I mean, I do know that he can't fucking afford it.

S'!

You wouldn't happen to have a beer handy,

would ya?

Oh, thank God!

Are you an angel?

What?

I'm Kat.

Oh, what'd you give me?

The Moon.

A piece of it anyway,

acquired during the Apollo missions.

Easy now.

Just like any great remedy,

it has the huge potential to be abused.

Lou, you look fucking amazing, man.

That moon rock works fucking fast.

That robo-freak really did a number on me.

You need to heal.

I need to get back to Woodhaven.

Lou, you're not better, man.

You're on some high-octane lunar fucking cocaine.

Five minutes ago,

you looked like a bag of smashed assholes.

I feel way better, I'm okay.

Then how is it a little kitty

can pin down a big bad wolf?

Okay, getting weird.

Keep your distance, come on now.

Rest.

Get your strength back.

So happy you're better.

You really came through.

You saved the day, okay.

And I miss this, man!

Like you and I battling the big bad occult world.

Me too.

Well, then come back with us, back home!

I can't go back to Woodhaven.

It's -- It's not safe.

Dude, we have a fucking Wolfcop.

If Lou were smart,

he'd get in his car and disappear.

Well, Lou ain't like you.

And he's not smart!

Chief, can, uh, we talk?

About Scott?

Look, as someone who has seen a lot of death,

and frankly, mostly by my own hand,

I can assure you it does get better, okay?

And sometimes it's even fun.

Good talk.

I can't believe people really think that Chicken Milk

is gonna "transform" Woodhaven.

S'!

S'!

What is it, Chief?

You're a genius.

S'!

Suit up.

We're going on a field trip.

S'!

S'!

♪ We're in the gutter, smoking bud into the water ♪

♪ For the first time this year ♪

S'!

♪ I'm going swimming with the women ♪

♪ And it's just like a commercial for beer ♪

S'!

I woke up, I didn't know where I was,

and then all of the sudden, I see fucking Lou Garou.

He punched me right in the fucking face.

What?

Next round's on me.

Okay.

So, what's her story?

You mean besides the fact that she is off limits to you

and anyone else in here?

We were tight growing up -- I mean, super tight.

She basically raised me, which is weird,

because you know, she's my younger sister.

S'!

♪ Down the drain ♪

♪ Flush it ♪

S'!

♪ Flush it ♪

Yeah, but then a few years ago, man,

she changed, like, fucking out of nowhere --

you know, sealed herself off.

I didn't see her. It's like I was lost.

Bambi in the woods.

It was really tough.

Why?

Mutant: 'Cause he wants to fuck her.

You say something?

I'm pretty fucking tuckered.

Mutant: Get all up in that ass!

Well, I'm hungry?

Is there a fucking menu? I could eat for two.

Is that my sister?

S'!

To recovery.

And to abstinence

and respecting people's siblings.

S'!

Mutant: Give me my drink!

You okay?

Uh, yeah.

No, I mean, I'm not feeling right exactly.

I'm gonna -- I'm gonna -- - Lou, hey, let me out.

- Run, run, run, run. - Let me out of here.

Yeah.

I'm gonna go tuck in.

♪ Flush it ♪

Bye.

INow ♪

S'!

Does he seem a bit off to you?

S'!

S'!

S'!

The rink thermostat has been dialed in.

The embryos have stabilized.

Everything is coming together.

Well, then, we should really thank

that hairy lycan fuck!

If he hadn't dwindled our numbers so much,

we wouldn't have pushed for this final solution.

Excellent.

S'!

S'!

S'!

No bogarting the devil's lettuce, brother.

Okay, man.

Easy, T-rex arms. I got you, man.

S'!

[Coughing 1

Everything is irie.

Shit!

What the fuck?

S'!

What the fuck are they doing?

Motherfuckers!

Fucking Lou Garou's about to use

his fucking freedom stick on my sister.

Mutant: Bang, bang, chicken shrimp.

No more weed for you.

Is that moon dust? I thought you said --

This isn't for you.

S'!

Hey, you starting without me?

S'!

Motherfucker!

♪ Well, they say I should approach you with caution ♪

""I Grunts ]

'Aah!

♪ But not to let you be aware of my fear ♪

♪ Never know what you'll find ♪

♪ Don't understand your kind ♪

♪ 'Round here ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

S'!

♪ Watching your moves, they look so radical ♪

♪ Hearing the words, they sound fanatical ♪

♪ Something inside reveals you're magical ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ How can I get enough? ♪

♪ You're a strange animal ♪

♪ That's what I know ♪

S'!

♪ But you're a strange animal ♪

♪ I got to follow ♪

S'!

♪ Whoa, ho ♪

Ugh! I still hear em'!

I can't listen to this shit, man.

You're a loser.

It's just a fact.

- Take that! - But what if I told you

that I could help you change all of that.

I'm a winner. - Hey.

But then you probably already know that.

You like that, man?

- I'm also a connoisseur... - Okay, lil' dude!

...and a curator of the best life has to offer.

That's your jam?

Leveraging my excellent palate and Darkstar technology,

we've strategically -- - You feeling okay, man?

Hmm?

So, slam a cold cock.

S'!

And unleash a better you.

S'!

S'!

S'!

Wow!

This is impressive.

This is why rinks cost so much

'cause they're always putting stuff like this underneath

and then they work it into the price of the ticket.

Whole thing reminds me of this porno I invested in once

called “The Cunt for Red October.“

It didn't go over very well

'cause people don't like that word --

October.

The nicest part about it, it's a hockey rink.

And there is nothing I like in this world

more than hockey.

Well, except maybe fat stacks of colored cash.

Well, then, here's to a fruitful partnership.

Mm. Look at all that money.

Thank you!

Now this.

This is worth leaving my Zumba class early for.

Mmm.

I'm gonna slam a cold cock.

Ooh.

Whoa-ho.

Ahh.

Crisp.

Oh, you really like your beer, don't you?

Feels good, really feels good,

so you guys ready for the puck drop or what?

Almost.

We still have to test our PA system.

You're here just in time.

S'!

You heard that, right?

S'!

Oh!

Why do I --

Oh.

Ohm

S'!

You son of a bitch, Syd!

S'!

What the fuck!

It's glorious!

Aah! Aah!

Get it off!

You son of a bitch!

Aah!

S'!

Come on, come on.

S'!

Did he shit himself?

S'!

Daisy!

S'!

S'!

So, that happened.

Yeah. Does Willie know?

Well, we were pretty loud.

No, I mean about you being --

Fucking with you.

I wanted to tell him, but he wasn't himself.

Even now I feel like he's hiding something --

Willie: Hey!

Fucking Turner and Hooch, stop fucking please!

Coming William.

Shit just got real!

Come out, come out wherever you are little buddy!

It's just me, man!

I got more of that fucking weed.

You guys keep your eyes fucking peeled.

He's fast, and he's fucking bulbous.

Who?

Bad Willie.

That's a shifter hiss!

What are you -- No way he's a fucking shifter,

but he's smaller, nastier. and I think he's my son.

S'!

Fucking Karma!

S'!

Move.

That was the worst fucking four hours of my life.

You were so loud,

you didn't even hear me fucking crown!

Oh, god damn!

I just gave birth to that.

Shoot this fucker.

S'!

Nope, he's my dude. I can't.

_

Ohm

What? Like, you two don't have secrets?

This is bad.

Earth's atmosphere prevents Shifters from reproducing,

but if they've found a way to impregnate humans...

S'!

...we're fucked.

Hello?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down.

S'!

Don't do anything. We're on our way.

S'!

DJ Bob: Hey, Dan, we're tick, tick, tickin' down

to the big game between the Woodhaven Darkstars

and those rotten Regina Potashers!

DJ Dan: Ooh, I can't wait!

And between that,

and the throwing of the switch on the new brewery,

folks are calling Swallows the savior of Woodhaven,

while others fear we may be putting too many eggs

in that old Chicken Milk basket.

DJ Bob: Oh boy!

Don't forget to stock up on game gitch.

The first hundred through the door

get a free skate sharpening compliments of...

- Liquor Donuts! - Liquor Donuts!

S'!

Thank God.

- Oh, you guys. - Now we're good.

- Oh. - Oh! Uh...

- Ti na. - Okay.

Lou, how are you?

Oh, he's pretty good

considering he just laid

the fucking good wood into my sister.

- What? - In case you cared.

I don't care.

I don't care about that.

I don't care.

Uh-huh.

You are so fucking cute,

and the woman of my fucking dreams.

Hey, Walter,

we got a fucking Desert Eagle.

Gimmie it! Gimmie it!

Glock! - No, just --

Okay, listen, Swallows has Daisy.

We need to move. Puck drops in 30.

Take that.

- This thing's heavy. - Well, you'll thank me later.

So what's the plan, Chief?

This is one of those times

I actually wish we had a full moon.

Well, you are in luck. the love of my life.

I happen to have a full fucking moon rock!

Who wants to party?

S'!

♪ When you're waiting for something ♪

♪ And it's wasting your time ♪

♪ With all the sensations that fill my mind ♪

♪ When there's nothing to hide ♪

Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the first of many home games

here at the new Darkstar Arena!

I'm your maestro for the evening, Organo!

Organo: Now put your hands together

for the visiting team, The Regina Potashers!

♪ No, it don't seem right ♪

♪ No, it don't seem right ♪

Organo: Yeah, take that gitch Regina.

That's what you want!

That's what you deserve!

♪ No, it don't seem right ♪

S'!

I'm on the pond.

How we dam"?

Nothing so far.

Organo: Ladies and Gentlemen,

the man of the hour

and my close personal friend Sydney Swallows.

S'!

SWALLOWSI Welcome.

You are all very fortunate to be here tonight.

Count your blessings.

“Why invest in Loserville?“

People keep asking me.

Because undervalued real estate and cheap labor

can only go so far.

In the end, I had to go with my gut

and trust that we could transform this shithole

into something far superior.

You are all very, very blessed to be a part of it.

So, stand with me

And raise a toast.

I officially declare the Darkstar plant...

Open!

S'!

As if you didn't have enough to thank me for,

allow me to introduce you to your new home team,

the Darkstars!

S'!

S'!

S'!

This flock is fucked.

Organo: Ladies and gentlemen,

please remain standing for our national anthem.

♪ >S' O Canada a'

♪ Our home and native land ♪

♪ True patriot love ♪

♪ In all thy sons command ♪

♪ With glowing hearts ♪

♪ We see the rise ♪

♪ The Truth North strong and free ♪

♪ From far and wide ♪

I've got some repairs to do.

There's no Zamboni here, darling.

What's that?

Willie!

The Darkstars -- I don't think they're human.

S'!

♪ >S' O Canada a'

Yes!

♪ Time to die, time to die ♪

♪ Time to die, time to die ♪

♪ Time to die, time to die ♪

Rise my children!

♪ Time to die, time to die ♪

♪ Time to die ♪

S'!

There's heavy action in the sound booth.

I'm gonna go check it out.

Coming to you.

We fuckin' doing this?

We were doing this, man,

but that's two minutes for your face,

five minutes for that fucking breath!

Go!

S'!

Oh my god, Willie!

S'!

Thank you.

God speed.

S'!

Organo: Embrace our lizard overlords.

S'!

Music's over, Jack.

It's Organo.

What?

Your name's fucking Organo, and you play the Organ?

That's super fucking weird.

Why the fuck aren't you wearing pants!

S'!

I recognize you.

I'm the one who probed you.

It's time to die, you strange animal.

S'!

That's it!

Yes!

S'!

S'!

S'!

What the fuck!

Yeah!

Beat it.

Big fucking Wolfcop!

S'!

Well, well, well.

If it isn't Mr. Hairy Ball Sack himself.

You're a little late to the fucking party!

Cut.

Check! Check! Check!

Origano has left the fucking building!

This is your DJ, Willie Higgins.

Who the hell is that?

Pd ask that your proceed

in a calm and orderly fashion

to your nearest fucking exit.

Here is a little ditty to help you along.

S'!

Everyone out of here now!

Shit.

S'!

Bring it on, beast man!

♪ He's no fool ♪

♪ Breaking every single rule ♪

♪ Chips are stacked against him one more time ♪

♪ When the world's gone crazy ♪

♪ Only man can save it ♪

♪ It can be hairy solving crimes ♪

Oh! Fuck!

Fucking human shish kebob, Lou!

Well played, man!

♪ Looking through the fire ♪

♪ Stronger than the eye of the tiger ♪

Kill her.

♪ Bigger than 10 grizzly bears combined ♪

S'!

♪ And he won't stop ♪

Oh, and at center ice,

we have a moron challenging fucking Wolfcop!

♪ He's a Wolfcop, Wolfcop ♪

♪ Bad man be creeping down the streets ♪

Kill him!

♪ About to murder ♪

♪ Getting back to Wolfcop ♪

♪ Because he heard ya ♪

♪ Diabolical plan ♪

♪ Foiled once again ♪ - Oh fuck!

♪ Mr. Officer catch the bad man in the end ♪

♪ Howling at the full moon ♪

Dude, you're playing skins for life, man!

I will not lose to a motherfucking Werewolf!

Get him!

♪ Cleaning off the streets then peeing on the trees ♪

♪ Looking through the fire ♪

♪ Stronger than the eye of the tiger ♪

♪ Bigger than 10 grizzly bears combined ♪

I need some help down here!

Where are you?

Your right! To the right!

Tina!

S'!

Sneaky bitch!

Hands off her!

I'm coming.

S'!

Oh, God, okay, you know what?

Yes. I'm ready for this.

Mm-hmm.

Oh, God, okay.

I am highly trained, so...

S'!

S'!

Okay.

Aah.

You are fucking ridiculous!

Aah.

Back off my woman, bro!

What the hell was that?

Me saving you!

Oh, God. Also, that was a woman.

Yeah, okay.

And we have a winner.

A notre Gagnon!

But unfortunately for you,

you haven't read my latest bestseller.

“Anticipate every outcome.“

Wait for it!

Ta-da!

S'!

Get him boys!

S'!

Let' s gm!

Sayonara sucker!

- He's fleeing the coop. - Lou needs help!

Okay, you go get him, I'll get the wolfman!

Okay.

Hey, you're a good man, Higgins.

S'!

Okay, so, this is happening right now?

Hey, you know, I gotta go.

S'!

S'!

Oh, yeah!

Excuse me, can I borrow your scythe, brother?

Cheers!

S'!

S'!

Yah!

Come here, boy, get your medicine.

Take her down, man.

Oh, shit, that's a lot.

Go! Go!

Go! - Yeah!

S'!

S'!

S'!

S'!

It's that dude!

S'!

S'!

S'!

Come on.

S'!

Freeze.

Aah!

Oh, oh, oh, shit!

Oh, good shooting, Tex!

On the ground and spread'em.

I don't think so.

S'!

Listen, you little A-Cup Duo,

look around, hmm?

The sooner I go out that door,

the sooner you can go help your friends.

Or you can shoot me now, and we all die right here.

S'!

S'!

Merry Christmas, bitches.

S'!

Chief?

Do you think he's bluffing?

Ask me in a minute.

Come on!

S'!

Lou!

S'!

S'!

S'!

No fucking way!

S'!

Kat?

S'!

Lou, you don't look good buddy.

Hang in there, partner.

I got some medicine.

Fuck, we're almost out of the moondust.

Call a vet, 9-1-1!

Call your fucking dealer, answer me!

Meow!

Okay, Lou, Lou! What do you need?

What helps you?

Donuts, donuts, booze, booze, booze,

Booze!

Pass me the hooch.

Got a little bit left --

make you a Higgins fucking smoothie.

Down the hatch!

S'!

You know what you're drinking Lou?

Moonshine, baby!

S'!

S'!

I'm glad you're better, man,

but I still don't approve of this shit.

S'!

Hi, bitch, wake up time.

S'!

S'!

The horror.

The paper work.

S'!

Hey, uh, sorry to break up the party,

but we have about

20 seconds to get out. - Why?

'Cause this shit's about to blow.

Come on!

Blow the roof off.

- Come on, Lou! - Go, go, go!

S'!

I guess he wasn't bluffing.

Like I said, you'll thank me later.

S'!

Willie: Good thing we got those season tickets, huh, Lou?

S'!

See?

This is why we can't have nice things.

So happy you decided to stay, sis.

Me too.

Let's take this to the bar, Daisy's buying.

Why me?

'Cause you got kidnapped.

Rookie move.

Lou: Don't worry, kid, I'll take you under my wing.

Oh, now I'm really worried.

Willie: Shotgun!

♪ But not to let you be aware of my fear ♪

Don't worry, there's some kitty litter back there.

S'!

♪ Never know what you'll find ♪

♪ Don't understand your kind ♪

♪ 'Round here ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

S'!

♪ Watching your moves, they look so radical ♪

♪ Hearing your words, they sound fanatical ♪

♪ Something inside reveals you're magical ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ How can I get enough? ♪

♪ You're a strange animal ♪

♪ That's what I know ♪

S'!

♪ But you're a strange animal ♪

♪ I gotta follow ♪

S'!

♪ Whoa-oh ♪

S'!

♪ They've been trying to stick a light in your system ♪

S'!

♪ Analyzing the defenses you hold ♪

S'!

♪ Trying to open wide ♪

♪ Hoping to step inside ♪

♪ Your soul ♪

S'!

♪ Oh, oh ♪

S'!

♪ But everything here is unfamiliar ♪

♪ Nothing they've seen remotely similar ♪

♪ How can it be you're so peculiar? ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ How can I get enough? ♪

♪ You're a strange animal ♪

♪ That's what I know ♪

S'!

♪ But you're a strange animal ♪

♪ I gotta follow ♪

S'!

♪ Whoa-oh-oh-oh ♪

S'!

S'!

♪ I got to follow ♪

S'!

♪ I got to follow ♪

♪ Ah-ah-ah, ah-ah ♪

♪ Whoa-oh-oh, oh ♪

S'!

It's important that you avoid stress

and sudden facial movements.

Your sutures need time to heal.

Understood sister, no smiling.

Well, the next bus should be here shortly.

How do I look?

Very...

Handsome.

A new man.

Can you even tell I had work done?

May I help you cross?

You've already done too much.

I think it's time for me to face the world

8S a new man.

S'!

S'!

♪ He's no fool ♪

♪ Breaking every single rule ♪

♪ Chips are stacked against him one more time ♪

♪ When the world's gone crazy ♪

♪ Only one man can save it ♪

♪ It can get hairy solving crimes ♪

S'!

♪ Looking through the fire ♪

♪ Stronger than the eye of the tiger ♪

♪ Bigger than 10 grizzly bears combined ♪

S'!

♪ And he won't stop ♪

♪ Out for blood, every single drop ♪

♪ Ah-ooh ♪

♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh ♪

♪ He's a Wolfcop, Wolfcop ♪

♪ Bad man be creeping down the streets about to murder ♪

♪ Getting back to Wolfcop because he heard ya ♪

♪ Diabolical plan foiled once again ♪

♪ Mr. Officer catch the bad man in the end ♪

♪ Howling at the full moon, call out the beast ♪

♪ Baiting as he hunts, blood dripping from the teeth ♪

♪ Crime is like a stick he can fetch with ease ♪

♪ Cleaning up the streets, then peeing on the trees ♪

♪ Looking through the fire ♪

♪ Stronger than the eye of the tiger ♪

♪ Bigger than 10 grizzly bears combined ♪

S'!

♪ And he won't stop ♪

♪ Out for blood, every single drop ♪

♪ Ah-ooh, ooh, ooh-ooh, ooh ♪

♪ He's a Wolfcop, Wolfcop ♪

S'!

S'!

S'!

S'!

♪ Yeah, I'm the Wolfcop ♪

♪ Ha, ha ♪

♪ I'm the Wolfcop ♪

Yeah r

♪ There's a new cop in the streets ♪

♪ Half-man, half-wolf, pure grease ♪

♪ Patrol the town, looking for trouble, man ♪

♪ Stuffing dead bodies in my duffle bag ♪

♪ Slash your face, rip the head off your body ♪

♪ Slam a cold brew, and pump a body with the shotty ♪

♪ Drinking human blood in the sacrifice ♪

♪ Welcome to the seance, see you in the afterlife ♪

♪ No teen wolf, just a man with a taste for blood ♪

♪ Watch the werewolf start smoking

♪ While your trick on mud ♪

♪ Till you met me, you don't know what trouble was ♪

♪ Till I filled your jean jacket with a couple slugs ♪

♪ I'm cursed ♪

♪ With this curse, I'm a monster ♪

♪ It's no foul hygiene, foaming at the chompers ♪

♪ A hairy menace with a badge and a gun ♪

♪ Don't bother tryin' to hide ♪

♪ 'Cause there's nowhere you can run ♪

♪ From the Wolfcop ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm the Wolfcop ♪

♪ Don't try to hide from the Wolfcop ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm the Wolfcop ♪

♪ Oh, damn ♪

♪ Mr. Wolfie got a plan ♪

♪ Forget Frankenstein, more like the Son of Sam ♪

♪ Soon as that full moon hits, there's no turnin' back ♪

♪ Everything turns to black, you can kiss my hairy ass ♪

♪ Mwah, how you like it? ♪

♪ I got you now, don't bother tryin' to fight it ♪

♪ Welcome to my Hell, you've all been invited ♪

♪ Once you've been bitten, there's no way you can hide it ♪

♪ Forget wizards and witches, I'll leave you in stitches ♪

♪ Just for a speeding ticket, I'm bitten with a sickness ♪

♪ There's no antidote, I'm alone on this highway ♪

♪ Drifting in the darkness, sparking that new crime wave ♪

♪ So go pray to the priest and drink your holy water ♪

♪ Grab your guns, lock the doors, hide your daughters ♪

♪ You think you got me surrounded ♪

♪ You better get your piece and pull it ♪

♪ And better have a silver bullet ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm the Wolfcop ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm the Wolfcop ♪

♪ Don't try to hide from the Wolfcop ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm the Wolfcop ♪

♪ I'm the Wolfcop, cop, cop ♪

♪ I'm the Wolfcop, cop, cop ♪

♪ I'm the Wolfcop, cop, cop ♪

♪ Yeah, I'm the Wolfcop, cop, cop ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

S'!

Big fuckin' wolf hound.