All language subtitles for Travel Man 48 Hours In S01E02 Istanbul 720p WEB-DL H265 BONE

Hello. I'm Richard Ayoade.

As the figurative head of the
ground-breaking series Gadget Man,

I'm justly renowned for using
technology to take the terror

out of modern life.

Now I'm widening my already
considerable horizons to hack out

the heebie-jeebies from travel.

Although I view holidays as a wanton
haemorrhage of both time and coin,

even I can be seduced by the
thought of fleeing these shores

before the drizzle
dampens my shizzle.

So I'm putting aside my innate
aversion to quitting my homestead

and travelling to some of the most
attractive and, crucially, nearby

tourist destinations known to man...

..to reveal how, with
the teeniest outlay of bread,

faff and effort, you can enjoy
one precious weekend away.

This time - 48 hours amidst the
historical beauty of Istanbul.

And as holiday costs are best halved

I've employed comedian Adam Hills
to joint shoulder the burden.

'We will experience new cuisines...'
It's fine.

'..ancient wonders...'

It calls for a brief
pause in glibness.

'..and intense barbery...'

Clench!

'..as we claim to reveal how to
conduct the perfect weekend away

'in this particular
segment of Turkey.'

We're here, but should we have come?

Istanbul can be reached
via the annual

Venice Simplon-Orient-Express
train from Paris.

Or if you're coming from Greece

you could saddle up
on Cappadocian horseback.

But because we've got

a mile per minute quota to make up,

we elect to fly.

Have you been to Istanbul?

I've never been to Istanbul.

It's one of those places that
sounds really exotic. Yes.

It sounds...Turkish bazaars...

and rugs, carpets. Yeah.

I'm assuming there'll be
a lot of that.

We're hopefully just going to go
to Dixons and try

and do a compare and contrast
with the one near Rotherham.

So why come to Istanbul at all?

Istanbul - not Constantinople -

is the eighth most popular tourist
destination in the world,

and the only city on Earth that's
spread across two continents -

as opposed to non Earth-based
cities - straddling Europe and Asia.

It's been the capital of four
of my all-time favourite empires -

Latin, Roman, Byzantine and,
my personal soft spot,

Ottoman - was once famous
for having a reassuringly

world-beating 1,400 public toilets.

And if you holiday efficiently,
costs can be contained.

A budget weekend away here can be

had for approx 135 per person.

You go in, I'll go round this side.
Sure.

But our first task on this schlep
is to find a place to bunk down.

Ten million tourists
a year visit Istanbul,

so the choice of hotel is vast.

But to give the illusion of balance,
we've chosen the mid-price sub.

Located in the said to be hip
and arty district of Karakoy,

it's one of the cities "trendy"
hotels

with lobby ornaments
that are "upcycled."

It's a posh word for "scavenged."

But nicely scavenged
in a loving way.

There is something I have heard
about Istanbul

is that it has become very trendy,

and I think this is
one of those areas

that is about to become very trendy.

Well, let's see if we can
knock that on its head.

Is that the most convenient
suitcase you could find?

Yeah, I just chose the case
that fits my lifestyle...

of trying to make everything
as awkward as possible.

We've dropped our bags and
the night is already enclosing.

And no attempt to holiday with
an Australian is possible

without resorting to tired
national stereotypes,

so I'm taking Adam Hills to a bar

to try Istanbul's
national fire water.'

Do take a seat because we're going
to try raki. Raki? Raki. OK.

This is the drink that Turkey
is associated with.

60 million litres

are consumed annually.

Now, bear in the mind, the
population of Turkey is 70 million.

And some of those people
are children. Yes.

It's called lion's milk. It turns
cloudy when mixed with water. Right.

Serefe.

Of Nottingham.

Oh, I like that.
That's idiosyncratic.

Little bit of, almost like vodka...

aniseed, liquorice.

There's more to come. Really?
It's over this way.

Just neck it.

Our cultural tourism must now
career into foodstuffs

because after a "big night"

the Turks extol the virtues of...

tripe soup.

Sheep's stomach is boiled in milky
water then flavoured with garlic,

chilli, black pepper, salt, vinegar,

and a blend of local spices.

This is volcanic rock from the
original series of Star Trek.

I wish I could keep some of it
on my spoon, it keeps falling off.

There we go. Here we go.

It's fine. Um...

ADAM COUGHS

I'm going to say this is too Turkish.
We've gone too far...

We've gone too Turkish.
That's sounds like your safe term -

"too Turkish".

In the bedroom, yes, that is how
my wife knows we've gone too far.

"Lights on.
It's become too Turkish."

ADAM LAUGHS

What am I doing? I had...

I tasted it. Why did I have a second
taste - I've tasted this?!

LAUGHING: I know!

I'm going to have more as well,
cos maybe it grows on you.

So, you've had a big night,
you've had way too much raki...

What do you want to bring you down?

Maybe this can only be truly enjoyed

if you've had
a certain quantity of raki.

I think any food that requires you
to be drunk should be reassessed.

That is not how you get
Michelin stars.

Too Turkish.

And now, with a gutful of
raki and tripe,

we must attempt to get some REM.

Day two begins with clear heads
and a desire to straddle as much

Turkish square footage as poss
in the minimum of time.

The fastest way to take in the city
sights is from the River Bosphorus.

Most people do this
by a standard boat tour.

But because Adam
aggressively insisted,

I've booked a yacht,

allowing us to be in Turkey
AND a yacht at the same time.

Look, here's the thing -
this is Asia and that is Europe,

and this is the only city in
the world that straddles the two.

Does that mean that any song
written on that side of the river

cannot be entered in the
Eurovision Song Contest?

That's one of
the many terrible things

about being on that side
of the river. It must be.

Our restrictive schedule permits
only the briefest of landings

in Asia, giving us just enough time
to reboot a holiday ritual.

OK, I'm going to send
a postcard now.

How? From the phone. Of course!

I'm going to select this app,
we take a photo of ourselves...

in this manner,
with the modern gesture.

Here we go.

We send the photo,
select the address,

and hit send. And it will be sent
as a physical postcard?

It's sending. It's done.

It's both instant and
technologically up to date,

and yet old-fashioned
at the same time.

Yes, it's got an up-to-the-minute
redundancy.

With Asia but fleetingly sampled,
we must return to Europe.

And, in order to offset
our yacht costs,

we're chugging back
on a public ferry.

So this individual journey - 84p
per person on the Istanbulkart.

I can also go on a tram. I can go on
the bus. I can go on the subway,

which goes up and then there's
a counter train going down. Yeah.

The ferry is a cost-effective joy.

84p allows a bod to see three of
Istanbul's biggest attractions -

the Blue Mosque, Hagia Sophia

and Topkapi Palace without having
to waste valuable time

actually visiting them.

Bang, done.

You've just covered it all in
a second. Brutally efficient.

I'm now wondering why Duran Duran
didn't film any videos on a ferry.

Idiocy is the answer.
Why didn't Bryan Ferry?

That would have made even more sense.
I think he was trying to get away

from the whole haulage ship image

that he'd built up
in the early '70s.

And now, with our feet
back on European soil,

our drama only part way played out,

convention dictates we must pause
and celebrate other ways

to part us from our earnings.

Still to come - our Istanbul
odyssey continues with grooming...

You look more terrified than
I've ever seen you.

..fortune telling...

That's a bad cup.

..and man-on-man manipulation.

Oh! Wow!

'Comedian Adam Hills and me,

'nasal non-event Richard Ayoade,

'are attempting to cajole you
through the perfect Turkish weekend.

'We've voyaged between
two continents

'and partaken of new fares.'

Too Turkish.

'But we need to sharpen up
before we hit the streets.

'Turkey is so famous for its barbers

'that in London, a Turkish shave
is a lavish splash-out.

'But in Turkey, many people shave
every day, and I'm joining them.

'Foreseeing the universal holiday
problem of the linguistic laziness

'of the non-English,
I've tooled up with tech.'

I would like a shave and my friend
would like a haircut.

I would also like to know the price.

ELECTRONIC VOICE IN TURKISH:

OK, that's not gone
into the system here.

Sorry, it's now translating this
conversation. Me... OK? Hair.

Him...razor, throat.

Good. Yeah.

What I like is that he hasn't even
asked what you want.

ADAM LAUGHS

He knows what you need.

What's Turkish for a "trim"?

I'm going to see what "skinhead"
translates as.

'Thus far, prog neg. But Anand won't
leave this cake top without cherry.'

Oh, hey, there. Hey, there.
What the...?

'Anand assures us that ancient
Turkish belief insists that hair

'is alive and therefore logic
dictates that burning it

'is more humane than cutting it.'

There's no...

I can smell my own ear hair. That's
a sentence I've never said before.

That was like a Robert Duvall smell.

OK? Ah, beautiful. Yep.

You look more terrified than
I've ever seen you. Mm-hm.

Is that a good description of how
you're feeling right now? Mm...

This app, by the way, is remarkably
sensitive, because it now seems

to be translating everything that the
men outside are saying as well.

Seems like the man
with the moustache said,

"I can't believe Barry's
pretending to be a barber again."

Oh! Yeah.

Yeah, you do feel that.

For the rest of our lives,
we'll always know that

we have smelled each other's
burning ear hair.

This is excellent.

APP TRANSLATES

THEY LAUGH

'Onwards to more Turkish
traditions.

'Turkish coffee, which is made
unfiltered by boiling

'ground up beans in water,
is world famous.

'And after it is drunk, fortune
tellers oft scrape through the dregs

'to hazard highly suspect
predictions

'of what fate may befall you.

'Tellers like Ilin perform in
countless city centre cafes.'

If it's terrible news...

SHE LAUGHS
..tell me.

Oh, you want it?
Straight out, tell me. OK. OK.

So I see here the shape of a man.

Right. It's probably you.

And you're gonna
jump into something...

OK. ..unexpectedly, like a new job,
for instance, or a new life.

Something new? Yeah.
But it's a good thing. OK.

But nothing bad?

Uh...there is one chronic
topic in your life.

Chronic? Chronic topic. It's gonna
be important in the near future.

Do you have any health problems?

My life is a health problem.

THEY LAUGH

OK, I'll turn mine. How's that,
is that ready? Yes, that's right.

Can I say, please don't give him
loads of good news.

Cos I will just feel terrible. OK.
Stick in a couple of bad ones. OK.

Thanks(!) No, I'm joking.

I will start...

That looks too dark. I'm worried now.
That's a bad cup.

You will have a very romantic
meeting with your wife. Right.

That's very nice.

We've got a young baby, so that
hasn't happened for a while. Wow.

Well, it was worth
booking that Novotel.

ADAM LAUGHS

It costs, but you can't put
a price on romance.

Well, you can. It is 179
for the superior suite.

'Oddly spooked, but lacking facts,
we must move on.

'I must urgently investigate the
unfathomable tradition of haggling,

'and palm off the fruits
of this experiment as a gift.

'Istanbul has a vast array of shops,

'from designer malls to ancient
markets like the Spice Bazaar.

'But we're heading to the biggest
hagglefest of them all -

'the Grand Bazaar.'

Look, "Grand Bazaar." Yep. It says
"built in the 15th century..."

"It's the oldest and largest
covered bazaar in the world."

Thank God that was all
written for us.

That was some very conveniently
placed signage. Do you know what?

It also has 21 gates, 17 inns,
66 streets, nearly 4,000 shops.

It employs more than 30,000 people.
That's good to know at this stage.

Especially seeing as we're trying
to introduce the whole idea

of the Grand Bazaar.

It's not an exercise in minimalism.

'Turkish rugs are considered to be
the best in the world,

'and many tourists, including Adam,
want to possess one.

'I selflessly decide
to act as support.'

Before I left home, I checked with
my wife what I'm allowed to buy,

where we need a rug. Hallway.
What do you think of this?

That's nice. That's lovely.

So, I will make this 1,600 euro.
1,600 euros? Yeah. Tap in the pin.

HE SIGHS

My question is,
if you go with this,

what would be the number
that you can afford?

9 euros, final offer.

THEY LAUGH

500 euros. You're killing the prices.

500 euro... No.

Let's do this - let's make it 12.

12? Yes. No, I can't do 12.

1,200 euro? Yes. No.

I could do 800. I could do 800 euro.
Really? Yeah.

Really? Give me your hand.

Never been so excited in my life!

I just spent 800 euro
on a friggin' rug!

Yeah!

You've made an unsupervised rug
purchase. You're out of your depth!

I can't even do a Sainsbury's shop
without running it by.

'Keen to avoid a steep slide
into the red,

'I resolved to circle
less costly goods.'

Hi.

'The Turkish tea industry
employs 200,000 people

'and everyone wants
a slice of my tea party.'

Hello, good to meet you.

I have noticed that you have...
Natural Viagra tea.

Something to make you like
a wild horse in five minutes.

Like a wild horse? Yeah, you would
like to smell it? No, I would not.

Why? It's nice. You don't
want to be like that?

I don't want to run rampant
in this covered market.

It's nice to be like that.
Like an ungoverned stallion.

OK. I'm going to get some...

Some of the pomegranate
with orange. How much is this?

Let's see... 33? Yeah.

33 Turkish Lira? Would you
accept 3 Lira? I don't know. 30?

So you got a 50% discount...
Yeah.

I'm looking at maybe
a 10% discount. 25.

THEY SPEAK IN TURKISH
OK.

OK. Is this the most anyone has ever
paid you for this amount of tea?

Yeah. OK.

ADAM LAUGHS
I thought so.

Invest the money in stocks
or something.

'Haggling thankfully over, I decide
to keep all my shopping online -

'where it belongs.

'With our mini-break drawing to
a close, there's time for one more

'tourist attraction.

'And because we have no intention
of avoiding the obvious,

'we've chosen Istanbul's most
popular sight of all.'

Here we go. This is
the Hagia Sophia. Built in 537.

Pretty good.

'The Hagia Sophia,
or "Holy Wisdom" in Greek,

'receives 10,000 visitors a day.

'To avoid the clash of human cargo,
we arrive just before it shuts.'

OK, this is clearly
amazingly impressive.

But we've got a schedule to keep to
so we're gonna have to whip round.

Do you have any gadget that could
help us? Now you're talking.

I've got an app...

I'm going to be able to feign
knowledge at an alarming rate here.

Great. OK. Former Greek Orthodox
patriarchal basilica,

later an imperial mosque,
now a museum in Istanbul.

I think for 1,000 years, this was
the largest cathedral in the world.

Until Seville rocked up.

How many people worked on this?
10,000 people.

10,000? 10,000.

'It's like I've got access
to Wikipedia.

'Apparently, that team of 10,000
took six years to build this place,

'and when a massive earthquake
toppled the dome in 558 AD,

'the original architect's nephew
designed a new one that was

'both stronger and 20 foot taller.'

It calls for a brief pause
in glibness.

I think so. It's what it calls for.

You know what I love, though,

is that as much as everything
has changed

and the world around it has changed,

the light coming through that window

is probably the same
as it was in 537 AD.

'It is time to draw our holiday
to what could be termed a close.

'So we must repair to a venue
specifically designed

'for contemplation, thought
and soapy scrub downs.

'Istanbul has over 100 public baths
where locals come to gas with buds.

'We've chosen the mid-price
Aga hamami.

'As one of only two unisex baths,
it's husband and wife friendly,

'so ideal for two
emotionally closed men.'

So, Adam, how do you feel about
our trip to Istanbul?

This is a personal low point for me,

but what have your favourite
or least favourite bits been?

We packed in a lot, but I didn't feel
like we were stressed at any point.

I certainly don't feel stressed now.
OK.

Here's the best compliment I can pay
you - I now feel like a local.

Your credibility is being
slightly undermined

by your extremely sudsy face.

ADAM LAUGHS

It's like an off-duty Father
Christmas telling me something.

ADAM LAUGHS

Wow!

Oh! Oh! Wow.

Clench! Just clench.

It's like starting a speedboat.

Too Turkish.

ADAM LAUGHS

'With time and dignity slipping
away, we must grope for our verdict.

'Although you can mini-break here
for ?135, we've spent ?480 each.

'But that does include
120 smackers on a yacht,

'which proved less rewarding
than an 84 pence ferry.

'So overall, we will reward Istanbul

'with an '80s era Macca-style
double thumbs up.'

Well, unequivocally, you're hearing
it from me

and Shaving Foam Head Man,

Turkey has been
conquered in two days.

I don't mean that in a martial way,

I mean that in a travelly
kind of way.

'Next time, I'm in Iceland
with Jessica Hynes.'

This seems a steep descent.
This seems too steep!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd