All language subtitles for White House Begs for $200 Billion for Iran War, JD Vance Admits Gas Prices Will Continue to Spike [DlfRkfv5buU].en-US

-Thank you very much.
Welcome, everybody.

Welcome, welcome.
Welcome to "The Tonight Show."

You're here. You made it.

Thank you for watching
at home. Fun show tonight.

Let's get to some news first.

Well, guys, this is big.

Today, the White House
asked Congress

to give them $200 billion
in additional funding

for the war in Iran.

Yeah, $200 billion.

President Trump heard
and was like,

"Iran must be getting
one hell of a ballroom.

That's ballroom money."

Of course, the war continues
to drive up oil prices,

but today Trump downplayed it,

saying that he actually
expected them to be worse.

Although it wasn't a great sign

that he said that
from the back of an Uber Pool.

Meanwhile, Vice President
JD Vance just admitted

that gas prices
will keep going up.

And this was odd,
he actually explained
the whole situation

using a bunch of his own
popular internet memes.

Take a look, he said...

[ Laughter ]

Then...

Then added...

There you go.

Very interesting statement
from --

That's our vice president
who said that.

Now, the big story is
still the ongoing war in Iran.

Trump asked all
the NATO countries to send ships

to help him unblock
the Strait of Hormuz,

but he's not getting
a lot of positive responses.

Let's take a minute
to do a roll call and see

how each country replied
to Trump.

UK -- no.

Finland -- no.

Norway -- no way.

Trump was like, "Um, okay."

Germany -- no.

Iceland -- no.

Spain -- hard pass.

Trump was like,
"But I need gas."

Sweden said, "Bad idea."

Trump said, "I'll invade IKEA."

Italy said,
"We're not starting."

"Can I still have Olive Garden?"

France said, "Sorry,
it's not happening."

"What did you just say?
I was napping. "

Latvia said, "Won't go far."

"You're lucky I don't know
where you are."

Another no -- Estonia.

"Wow, I'm getting lonely, bruh."

Hungary and Luxembourg --

"Those two just flipped me
the bird."

Denmark, Turkey, Belgium, too.

"Screw you and you
and also you."

Poland, Greece,
and all the rest.

"I can't believe you all
swiped left."

[ Cheers and applause ]

I don't know where --
If you're watching at home,

I don't know where you're
how to swipe left.

Yeah. Too much math for me.
Get this.

To combat high oil prices,

Trump has temporarily waived
the Jones Act,

which affects US shipping.

Now, if you don't understand
the Jones Act,

don't worry,
'cause very few people

have heard of the Jones Act.

So we actually put together
this educational video.

-Hey, today we're going
to learn about the Jones Act

by using an acronym
and a mnemonic device.

The acronym is ships, of course.

That's S.H.I.P.S.
You still with me?

Good, cause the next one's
even easier.

It's a mnemonic to learn
the details of the Jones Act.

The Jones Act is...

So sing it with me. Here we go.

-♪ Kalied-o-bility ♪

[ Laughter ]

-My God, who is that guy?

-I don't know, he's brilliant.
-Yeah, he's--

Oh, no, no, no.
-Oh, no!

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Thank you. Thank you.

Good to see you.
No, no, no, no.

Don't get everybody clapping.

Good to see you, bud.

Thank you.

He's lost it.

He's lost his mind.
-Now I know the Jones Act.

-We've lost our minds here.

Well, switching gears,
everybody is excited about this.

Today, March Madness
officially began.

That's right.

And there was already a big
upset with High Point University

beating Wisconsin.

Ooh! Yeah.

In the tournament,
the teams go from 64 to 32

to 16 to 8 to 4.

Or as it's also known,
Trump's approval rating.

And yeah,
March Madness has tipped off.

And I noticed
that during the games,

each team usually gets to air
a commercial for their school.

You probably got to see
them before.

For example, here's an ad
for number three seed Virginia.

-The University of Virginia,

located in beautiful
Charlottesville,

a place for scholarship,

a place of excellence

with world class professors

and state of the art
research facilities.

Come to UVA and learn
what it means to be a Cavalier.

We are Virginia.

-Yeah. Nice. Yeah.

It's cool.
So, I mean, like that.

Now here's one
for number 14 seed Wright State.

Watch this.

-Wright State located
in beautiful Connecticut

or Maryland, maybe Iowa?

A place that's...Wright.

A place that's...state.

With world class Wright

and state of the art state.

Come to Wright State

and learn what it means
to be a student at Wright State.

-We don't know where there--

-We don't know.

Don't know if they're
in the right state.

-Well, some entertainment news.

Amazon just announced
that their new reboot

of the classic show
"American Gladiators"

premieres next month.

That's gonna be fun.

I used to love
"American Gladiators."

Like Nitro, Turbo --
those guys were awesome.

Tariq, were you a big fan
of "American Gladiator"?

-Uh, no.

-Never a fan?
How about you, Quest?

-Nah, man, it's too intense.

-Yeah. What about you, James?

-I know I could, Jimmy,

because I was
an American gladiator.

My gladiator name was Hernia.

And my catchphrase was --

My catchphrase was,
"Time to make the donuts."

This is what I looked like.

[ Laughter ]

But starring on the TV show

wasn't enough
to satisfy my lust for combat.

So I became a actual gladiator.
-What?

-I went to the Colosseum,

engaged the Romans in battle

and yelled,
"Are you not entertained?"

And then it turns out
they haven't had a gladiator

for 1,622 years.

And I had actually just
beaten up a random Italian man.

[ Laughter ]
-What?

-In fact, I brought that man
here tonight

so I could apologize
to him in Italian.

[ In Italian ]

[ Laughter ]

-That was --
-Wow!

-That was really --
-Beautiful.

-Very touching.
It was beautiful.

Thank you.
Hernia, everybody. Hernia.

[ Cheers and applause ]

-Wow. Heartfelt.
-It was beautiful.

It was touching.

And finally, I saw that Costco
is selling a two-foot tall,

10 pound chocolate Easter bunny.

-Ooh.
-Eating it is tough.

You never know whether to start
with the ears or the insulin.

We have a great show.

Give it up for The Roots,
everybody.

-♪ To the best
of our knowledge ♪

♪ I guess that I'm fresh ♪

♪ When I manifest, I do
a request of what's going on ♪

♪ Let's go, this is the joint ♪

♪ Coming at ya ♪

-Oh, yeah!

Whoa! Uh...

Hey, everyone,
March Madness is here.

And one of my favorite things is

when fans try
to distract the other teams

when they're shooting
foul shots.

It's hilarious.
Yeah, it's -- Look at this one.

It's Moses. He splits the--

Is that genius or what? Yeah.

Well, they get really --

It's genius.

They get really creative
and fun with it.

Well, we wanted to get in
on that, okay?

So we made this.

Where is it? Okay, here we go.

All right, so this is the --

This is the Jimmy Fallon --

[ Cheers and applause ]

It's the Jimmy Fallon
googly eyes, okay?

So now if you want the
other team to miss a free throw,

just hold this up
and shake it around, okay?

And then get googly eyes,
do the work.

And we actually also put
a strap-on a helmet here,

in case you want to just
wear it and just dance around.

[ Cheers and applause ]

So it's very easy to wear.
-Yeah.

No headache.
-We're going to be
sending these out

to the Xfinity Mobile Arena

in Philadelphia tomorrow, okay?

So if you're at the game

these are legit going to
the arena tomorrow.

If you're at the game

and you see a giant head
with googly eyes,

pick it up, shake it up,
go crazy.

We want to see you.

We want to see it on --
on -- on the camera.

We want you to distract people.

And if it's if it's funny, we're
going to put it on the show.

-Yeah.
-But the game's tomorrow.

Boy!
Yeah, the game's tomorrow.

We have, uh,
Virginia versus Wright State.

-Oh, there you go!
They're the Wright State, yeah.

-That's tomorrow at 1:50 p.m.

We have Tennessee versus Miami.
That's at 4:25 p.m.

UCLA versus UCF at 7:25 p.m.,

and UConn versus Furman
at 10 p.m.

-Whoa.
-Any of those games,

look for this.

And when you see it,
shake it and go crazy, baby.

[ Cheers and applause ]

It also could work, like,

you could make it like
a almost like a cornhole, right?

-Oh, wow.

If you lay it there...
-Yeah.

And just throw stuff at it.

-Yeah, just -- Did you cut out
the mouth?

-Got to put a hole in the mouth.
-You cut out the hole--

-Careful.
-Never mind don't put a hole.

-Don't put a hole
in the mouth. Never mind.

No, no, stop, stop, stop.

-Just use it --
-Cornhole!

-Use it like you're supposed
to use it.

-Make it a charcuterie board.

-Never mind that idea.

Guys, it is the end of the week.

Uh, someone's gonna
make a cornhole game.

-Yeah, they are.

-I'm gonna see it
on the internet.

Yeah, yeah.

-You're gonna see it on Reddit.

-It's the end of the week.

That's when I catch up
with some personal stuff.

I check my inbox,
return some e-mails,

and, of course,
I send out Thank You Notes.

[ Cheers and applause ]
And I was just running--

Thank you. I was just--

They like--
Because they're very courteous.

-Oh, they're very nice.
-Well, the thing is,

I was running
a little behind today,

so I thought,
if you guys wouldn't mind,

I'd like to write out my weekly
Thank You Notes right now.

Is that okay?

[ Cheers and applause ]

Uh, Hernia, can I get some

Thank You Note writing music,
please?

-Oh, yeah.
-There he is. Hernia.

-That's Hernia
from "American Gladiators."

-That's the real one.
-Yeah.

The Hernia.
-Yeah. The Hernia.

He'll sign autographs
after the show.

-Yeah. With his bulge.

[ Laughter ]

♪♪

Thank you, phone contact list,

for containing 10 people
I actually talk to

and 100 people
I forgot even existed.

It's like, "Oh.
Who is Larry Thinson"?

-Yeah.

♪♪

-Thank you, Trump's strategy
with the Iran war,

for being just like families
on Father's Day: no plans.

[ Laughter ]

-Oh!
-You don't have any...?

-What are we doing?
-We're just gonna wing it.

[ Chuckles ]

♪♪

Thank you, silk,

for being the fanciest fabric
to come out of a wormhole.

-Wow! Wow. That's what
you're calling it? A wormhole?

-I didn't-- Yes. I did.

-Yeah.
-Yeah.

-You just thought of that?
-That's correct.

Oh, yeah. These aren't written.
I'm thinking of--

-Yeah, you're thinking
of them right now, yeah.

♪♪

-Thank you,
Kraft American Cheese Singles,

for being the Post-It Notes
of the dairy world.

Ah.
-Thoom! Thwat!

-They should make,
like, edible ink.

-Yeah.
-To write notes
in your grilled cheese.

-Yeah.
-Why not?

-Hey.
-Do something different, man.

♪♪

Thank you, handwritten letters,

for being the acoustic
version of e-mails.

[ Scattered laughter ]

-Come on!
[ Cheers and applause ]

-No, no! Don't! Don't!
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

-Wow.
-Wow.

You're being very nice.
You're being very nice.

-That's pity applause.

-One guy sitting in the front
like, "Absolutely not."

-Yeah. No.
-"I refuse."

-"You're not getting
this smile."

-"No way, man!"

♪♪

Thank you, weeds,
for giving me something

to pull or wack in my front yard
without getting arrested.

-Wow! Whoa! Spicy!

Wow! That's what
you're calling it? Weeds? Okay.

Pull or yank?
-Yeah.

-Alright.

-I don't know
if you're gonna top that one.

-I think you're going to.
-Here we go.

♪♪

Thank you, fun socks,

for letting my feet
go through a midlife crisis.

There you have it, everybody.
Those are our Thank You Notes.

We'll be right back
with more "Tonight Show."

Come on back, everybody.