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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:29,076 --> 00:00:30,828 ( CELL PHONE RINGING ) 2 00:00:31,621 --> 00:00:33,456 ( GRUNTS QUESTIONINGLY ) 3 00:00:33,623 --> 00:00:35,374 ( CELL PHONE RINGING ) 4 00:00:35,791 --> 00:00:38,794 LOU: Whose fucking phone is on? 5 00:00:39,962 --> 00:00:41,172 MAN: Uh, we're going to just touch you up. 6 00:00:41,255 --> 00:00:42,965 - Okay, Mr. Dorchen? - Hey. 7 00:00:43,633 --> 00:00:45,218 Do I need nipple rouge? 8 00:00:45,301 --> 00:00:46,677 MAN: Uh, can we get... I don't, uh... 9 00:00:46,761 --> 00:00:48,512 Do I need any nipple rouge? 10 00:00:48,804 --> 00:00:51,015 MAN: Yeah. Touch up his nipples, please. 11 00:00:51,098 --> 00:00:52,099 ( GIGGLES ) 12 00:00:52,183 --> 00:00:54,227 What kind of brush is that? Is that rabbit fur? 13 00:00:54,727 --> 00:00:57,313 NARRATOR: Lou Dorchen, the legendary lead singer 14 00:00:57,396 --> 00:00:59,315 of metal supergroup Motley Lue, 15 00:00:59,482 --> 00:01:01,984 who burst onto the world stage out of nowhere 16 00:01:02,109 --> 00:01:04,570 to become the very definition of a rock god. 17 00:01:04,654 --> 00:01:07,823 Livin' the dream with high school sweetheart Kelly Dorchen. 18 00:01:07,990 --> 00:01:10,868 So how did the ultimate party animal get the inspiration 19 00:01:10,952 --> 00:01:13,204 to build the most innovative, forward-thinking 20 00:01:13,287 --> 00:01:15,039 tech company in the world? 21 00:01:15,122 --> 00:01:18,251 I don't have to tell you where I got my inspiration from, first of all. 22 00:01:18,334 --> 00:01:20,920 Because that's called "intellectual property" 23 00:01:21,003 --> 00:01:22,546 and I can copyright that shit. 24 00:01:22,630 --> 00:01:24,423 Just like I copyrighted the word "well," 25 00:01:24,507 --> 00:01:26,759 so you can't even say "well" without paying me money. 26 00:01:27,677 --> 00:01:29,553 - MAN: Uh, well, um... - You owe me money. 27 00:01:29,637 --> 00:01:31,722 NARRATOR: Lou Dorchen's best friend is yet another 28 00:01:31,806 --> 00:01:34,433 American success story, music mogul Nick Webber. 29 00:01:34,517 --> 00:01:37,186 Ever since I wrote Let's Get It Started back in '86, 30 00:01:37,270 --> 00:01:38,312 I've been on a roll. 31 00:01:38,521 --> 00:01:41,774 Uh, MMMBop, triple platinum. 32 00:01:41,857 --> 00:01:44,610 A lot of stations still playin' Gin and Juicey Juice. 33 00:01:44,694 --> 00:01:47,697 You Oughta Know. Feelin' Like Teen Spirit. 34 00:01:47,863 --> 00:01:49,657 I guess you could say I take from a lot of artists. 35 00:01:50,157 --> 00:01:52,702 Take my inspiration from a lot of artists. 36 00:01:52,868 --> 00:01:53,869 I don't... 37 00:01:54,120 --> 00:01:56,956 I don't take their stuff. 38 00:01:57,123 --> 00:01:59,250 That's... Who would do that? 39 00:01:59,500 --> 00:02:01,961 - Yeah. Ask me anything. - MAN: Okay. ( CLEARS THROAT ) 40 00:02:02,044 --> 00:02:04,255 How's your relationship with your father? 41 00:02:04,338 --> 00:02:05,631 I don't want to talk about that. 42 00:02:05,715 --> 00:02:08,134 NARRATOR: Still struggling to find his own place in the world, 43 00:02:08,217 --> 00:02:11,637 Jacob Dorchen comments on his father's game-changing innovation. 44 00:02:12,013 --> 00:02:15,099 He didn't invent Goo... Lougle. 45 00:02:15,391 --> 00:02:17,977 He couldn't invent his way out of a fucking paper bag. 46 00:02:18,060 --> 00:02:20,563 And that's... That's not a turn of phrase, 47 00:02:20,646 --> 00:02:22,315 that's anecdotal evidence. 48 00:02:22,398 --> 00:02:25,067 He got caught in a giant paper bag a couple weeks ago. 49 00:02:25,234 --> 00:02:27,403 Adam... Adam Yates. Yes, he rounds out 50 00:02:27,945 --> 00:02:29,530 our Three Musketeer posse. 51 00:02:29,613 --> 00:02:31,532 He made it real big with his bestselling novel, 52 00:02:31,615 --> 00:02:33,242 Jacuzzi Timelord. 53 00:02:33,576 --> 00:02:37,580 But Adam, he's, uh... He's off on an experiential journey. 54 00:02:38,080 --> 00:02:39,915 I got a feeling we'll see him again. 55 00:02:42,209 --> 00:02:43,336 I got a feeling. 56 00:02:43,419 --> 00:02:44,920 ( SINGING UPBEAT SONG ) 57 00:02:48,591 --> 00:02:49,759 Just came to me. 58 00:02:49,925 --> 00:02:51,802 NARRATOR: One fateful ski trip in 1986 59 00:02:51,886 --> 00:02:54,263 seemed to kick-start their lives into high gear. 60 00:02:54,347 --> 00:02:55,598 But what was it like to grow up 61 00:02:55,681 --> 00:02:57,433 alongside these future stars? 62 00:02:57,516 --> 00:02:59,727 We turned to high school pal, Gary Winkle. 63 00:02:59,852 --> 00:03:00,895 I bet you guys didn't know 64 00:03:00,978 --> 00:03:02,188 that I was supposed to go on that trip, huh? 65 00:03:02,980 --> 00:03:04,648 - I stood outside all day... -( WHIMPERS ) 66 00:03:04,732 --> 00:03:07,735 ...but they never showed. Left me hanging. 67 00:03:08,110 --> 00:03:09,570 You know what I got that weekend? 68 00:03:09,653 --> 00:03:11,655 Chlamydia from the batting cages. 69 00:03:11,739 --> 00:03:14,200 My best buddies go up the mountain as regular Joes. 70 00:03:14,283 --> 00:03:17,620 Come down fucking rich. I mean, how did that happen? 71 00:03:17,995 --> 00:03:19,455 I mean, at the end of the day, 72 00:03:19,538 --> 00:03:21,374 I'm just a simple guy like you 73 00:03:21,457 --> 00:03:23,584 who had a couple of great ideas 74 00:03:23,667 --> 00:03:26,087 that happen to make him a bunch of money. That's it. 75 00:03:26,170 --> 00:03:28,506 I mean, how was I supposed to know 76 00:03:28,672 --> 00:03:31,884 that it would change the fabric of our existence? I couldn't. 77 00:03:31,967 --> 00:03:35,679 You know, I couldn't, unless I had some sort of... 78 00:03:36,722 --> 00:03:37,973 ( SCOFFS ) 79 00:04:03,874 --> 00:04:05,501 ( SINGS PARODY OF MELANCHOLIC POP SONG ) 80 00:04:39,869 --> 00:04:42,621 Cut! Let's reset. Do it again. 81 00:04:43,122 --> 00:04:44,623 One word, Nick. Fucking amazing... 82 00:04:44,707 --> 00:04:46,709 Don't fuck with my groove, Terry. 83 00:04:52,214 --> 00:04:53,257 - JACOB: Hey, Nick. - Youngblood. 84 00:04:53,340 --> 00:04:55,593 - Rip off any pop stars lately? -( FAKE LAUGH ) 85 00:04:55,676 --> 00:04:58,387 For your information, today I recorded an original piece. 86 00:04:58,470 --> 00:04:59,471 Really? 87 00:04:59,555 --> 00:05:01,056 Okay, it was that Lisa Loeb song. 88 00:05:01,182 --> 00:05:02,766 Well, as much of it as I could remember. 89 00:05:02,892 --> 00:05:04,393 The lyrics I made up were original. 90 00:05:04,727 --> 00:05:07,563 Listen, Nick, I get it. You don't have any natural talent. 91 00:05:07,646 --> 00:05:09,481 All I know is that hot tub made me a king. 92 00:05:09,565 --> 00:05:11,317 It's my duty to live up to the throne. 93 00:05:11,400 --> 00:05:12,610 All right, I can't see you right now, 94 00:05:12,693 --> 00:05:15,362 but I'm gonna assume you're putting "king" and "throne" in quotes. 95 00:05:17,281 --> 00:05:18,324 What do you want? 96 00:05:18,407 --> 00:05:21,035 Hey, Nick, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to be a dick. 97 00:05:21,118 --> 00:05:22,161 Are you coming to Lou's party? 98 00:05:22,453 --> 00:05:25,664 I gotta talk to Courtney. I'm... I don't know. 99 00:05:25,748 --> 00:05:27,374 - How is Courtney? - You know. 100 00:05:27,499 --> 00:05:29,251 Oh, really? Still fighting, huh? 101 00:05:29,335 --> 00:05:31,086 Why don't you just write her a Josh Groban song? 102 00:05:31,170 --> 00:05:32,254 -( HANGS UP ) -( SIGHS ) 103 00:05:32,338 --> 00:05:33,339 ( LAUGHS ) 104 00:05:33,422 --> 00:05:34,465 Hello? 105 00:05:34,673 --> 00:05:37,760 ( SNORTING ) Oh, shit! 106 00:05:38,052 --> 00:05:39,845 Cocaine! 107 00:05:40,054 --> 00:05:41,472 - Fuck me! -( COCKS GUN ) 108 00:05:42,598 --> 00:05:44,433 Oh, God! Oh, my God! 109 00:05:44,725 --> 00:05:47,019 Don't fucking sneak up on me like that, huh? 110 00:05:47,102 --> 00:05:48,354 Knock on something. 111 00:05:48,437 --> 00:05:50,773 You took most of the doors out and put beads up, Lou. 112 00:05:50,856 --> 00:05:52,316 What am I supposed to fucking knock on? 113 00:05:52,399 --> 00:05:53,776 What do you want? 114 00:05:53,859 --> 00:05:56,237 Put it down! What do you want, a round of applause? 115 00:05:59,240 --> 00:06:01,867 "Thank you, Jacob, for making sure we don't starve to death. 116 00:06:01,951 --> 00:06:03,410 "Even though this is completely ridiculous 117 00:06:03,494 --> 00:06:05,788 "and inappropriate, what we're doing." You're welcome, Mom and Dad. 118 00:06:05,871 --> 00:06:07,706 I'm just happy that you guys are happy. 119 00:06:08,249 --> 00:06:09,833 The fuck are you still doing here? 120 00:06:10,167 --> 00:06:11,794 Today's my birthday, by the way. 121 00:06:12,378 --> 00:06:13,545 Happy Birthday! 122 00:06:14,046 --> 00:06:16,423 - Oh, thanks, Mom. - Yeah, yeah, yeah! 123 00:06:16,966 --> 00:06:21,262 I got you... I got you something. It'll be here tomorrow via FedEx. 124 00:06:21,595 --> 00:06:22,596 Right. 125 00:06:22,680 --> 00:06:25,015 Daddy's little buddy is turning into Daddy's big buddy. 126 00:06:25,099 --> 00:06:27,268 I'm going to help you out. It's not really my birthday. 127 00:06:27,351 --> 00:06:28,602 Do you know what day it is? 128 00:06:28,727 --> 00:06:32,106 Mmm... ( POPS ) 129 00:06:34,108 --> 00:06:35,276 Okay. 130 00:06:35,359 --> 00:06:36,443 Enjoy your shit. 131 00:06:36,527 --> 00:06:39,405 The sooner you choke to death on it, the sooner I get all this. 132 00:06:39,488 --> 00:06:41,865 Any other questions, or is this interview over? 133 00:06:44,743 --> 00:06:47,955 Don't let the lack of a door hit you on the way out. 134 00:06:48,372 --> 00:06:50,332 ( SIGHS ) He just gets me so mad. 135 00:06:50,416 --> 00:06:51,583 So, who is he? 136 00:06:51,667 --> 00:06:53,168 That's my butler. 137 00:06:53,252 --> 00:06:54,878 And our son, consequently. 138 00:06:55,838 --> 00:06:57,381 Oh, my God, right. 139 00:06:58,716 --> 00:07:00,050 Lisa Loeb? 140 00:07:00,342 --> 00:07:02,511 Oh, my God. I can't believe Nick Webber knows 141 00:07:02,594 --> 00:07:03,887 the name of the cat wrangler. 142 00:07:04,305 --> 00:07:05,639 Yeah. Crazy, right? 143 00:07:05,931 --> 00:07:08,600 You know, I just have to tell you, I really love this song so much. 144 00:07:08,726 --> 00:07:10,561 - It feels so personal. - Mmm. 145 00:07:10,811 --> 00:07:12,938 It's almost... Violating. 146 00:07:15,649 --> 00:07:17,234 ( SOFTLY ) I'm so sorry. 147 00:07:27,536 --> 00:07:28,871 LOU: Yeah! 148 00:07:31,081 --> 00:07:32,416 Nailed it! 149 00:07:37,963 --> 00:07:39,423 All rise! 150 00:07:40,632 --> 00:07:42,968 Penis Court is now in session! 151 00:07:44,678 --> 00:07:47,514 The honorable Judge Lou Dorchen presiding. 152 00:07:47,806 --> 00:07:49,641 Uh, Mr. Dorchen, could we get this board meeting started? 153 00:07:50,017 --> 00:07:51,852 Yeah. Brad, do your thing. 154 00:07:52,144 --> 00:07:53,520 Ladies and gentlemen, 155 00:07:53,604 --> 00:07:55,731 - Lougle is at a crossroads. - Whoo! 156 00:07:56,106 --> 00:07:59,485 We did it, guys! We got to the crossroads! 157 00:07:59,818 --> 00:08:02,654 Our competitors, Lycos and GeoCities, are crushing us. 158 00:08:02,863 --> 00:08:04,782 Those guys are fucking nerds, Brad. 159 00:08:04,865 --> 00:08:06,575 ( CHUCKLES ) What about Yahoo, huh? Where are they? 160 00:08:06,658 --> 00:08:07,951 Yahoo? What's Yahoo? 161 00:08:08,160 --> 00:08:09,328 Exactly. 162 00:08:09,411 --> 00:08:11,538 As your head of R&D, I have to tell you 163 00:08:11,622 --> 00:08:13,707 that Lougle cannot continue down this path. 164 00:08:13,832 --> 00:08:16,001 Well, that's why I moved us to New Orleans, Brad, 165 00:08:16,085 --> 00:08:18,379 the Silicon Valley of the South. 166 00:08:18,545 --> 00:08:19,546 Huh? 167 00:08:19,797 --> 00:08:20,798 ( LOU GASPS ) 168 00:08:20,881 --> 00:08:22,716 Oh, shit! Shit! Susan, look, turn around. 169 00:08:22,841 --> 00:08:24,426 Turn around, right now! Susan, quick, quick, quick! 170 00:08:24,510 --> 00:08:25,677 I'm not going to look, Lou. 171 00:08:25,969 --> 00:08:27,805 Susan, I promise it's not a dick and balls this time. 172 00:08:27,888 --> 00:08:29,348 I swear to God. Look, look, look! 173 00:08:29,723 --> 00:08:33,060 Dick and balls! You looked at a dick and balls! 174 00:08:33,185 --> 00:08:34,395 I burned you. 175 00:08:34,853 --> 00:08:36,313 ( CHUCKLES ) 176 00:08:36,522 --> 00:08:39,274 I can't believe I let you talk me into joining this sinking ship. 177 00:08:39,400 --> 00:08:41,944 I was one of Engineering Quarterly's "30 Under 30." 178 00:08:42,111 --> 00:08:43,362 Really? 179 00:08:43,445 --> 00:08:45,114 I was on track to be "20 Under 40," 180 00:08:45,197 --> 00:08:47,366 but now I'm "Zero Under Fuck Me"! 181 00:08:47,658 --> 00:08:48,909 You fucked me, Lou. 182 00:08:49,076 --> 00:08:50,661 You fucked my whole life. 183 00:08:50,744 --> 00:08:53,747 My brother works at the NSA and I work for a madman. 184 00:08:53,872 --> 00:08:55,207 Mad Man is a great show. 185 00:08:55,332 --> 00:08:57,084 Sometimes I wish I could just... 186 00:08:59,670 --> 00:09:03,257 Okay, okay. Looks like you're hungry for an idea. 187 00:09:03,590 --> 00:09:06,385 So why doesn't Uncle Lou give you guys a little taste, huh? 188 00:09:08,178 --> 00:09:10,973 If you combine the right amounts of nitrotrinadium 189 00:09:11,056 --> 00:09:15,102 with specifically heated water in a specialized basin, 190 00:09:15,185 --> 00:09:18,689 you get the elements necessary for time travel! 191 00:09:18,814 --> 00:09:20,524 ( IMITATES COCKING SHOTGUN ) 192 00:09:20,607 --> 00:09:23,986 Boom! Shotgun to the dick! ( GRUNTS ) 193 00:09:25,279 --> 00:09:27,197 I'm gonna be in the lab, trying to save this company. 194 00:09:27,281 --> 00:09:28,615 Yeah! 195 00:09:30,492 --> 00:09:32,453 ( HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING ) 196 00:09:43,297 --> 00:09:46,258 Why are all these people here? Are we having another seance? 197 00:09:46,383 --> 00:09:47,718 ( CHUCKLES ) Yeah. 198 00:09:47,801 --> 00:09:51,597 Every day's a seance, baby. Every day's a seance. 199 00:09:51,972 --> 00:09:53,891 I fucking hate you so much, Lou. 200 00:09:53,974 --> 00:09:55,809 I fucking hate you, too, baby. 201 00:09:56,101 --> 00:09:57,936 Courtney, it's not a big deal. 202 00:09:58,020 --> 00:09:59,855 Well, maybe it's not a big deal to you, 203 00:09:59,938 --> 00:10:02,858 but she's my only sister, and we never go visit her. 204 00:10:02,941 --> 00:10:05,736 - It's the Grammys. - It's always the Grammys. 205 00:10:06,945 --> 00:10:10,949 It's not always the Grammys. Sometimes it's the Grammys. 206 00:10:14,328 --> 00:10:17,664 Oh, wow. Look at you. 207 00:10:17,873 --> 00:10:19,208 Every fucking year, Lou? 208 00:10:19,291 --> 00:10:21,543 Hey, enough with this dad stuff. Call me Lou. 209 00:10:21,627 --> 00:10:23,212 Why do I have to pretend to be your butler? 210 00:10:23,462 --> 00:10:24,463 You are my butler. 211 00:10:24,546 --> 00:10:26,548 No, Lou, just 'cause my room's near the bar 212 00:10:26,632 --> 00:10:28,050 and I'm good at receiving guests and... 213 00:10:28,133 --> 00:10:29,885 Holy fuck, I'm your butler. 214 00:10:30,010 --> 00:10:31,803 Wait... Hey, hey, Lou, what do you think about, 215 00:10:31,887 --> 00:10:34,848 maybe this summer, you know, I come work with you at Lougle? 216 00:10:35,057 --> 00:10:36,600 Listen, this is what I'll do for you, okay? 217 00:10:36,683 --> 00:10:38,644 If we ever come up with a division where 218 00:10:38,727 --> 00:10:41,688 you sit on the couch and masturbate while playing video games, 219 00:10:41,772 --> 00:10:42,940 I'll get you an interview. 220 00:10:43,023 --> 00:10:45,150 You started an interactive porno division. 221 00:10:45,234 --> 00:10:48,237 We have that. Even that retarded Venn diagram 222 00:10:48,320 --> 00:10:50,155 you just mentioned, it exists. 223 00:10:50,739 --> 00:10:53,742 Listen, you are a key part of this operation, Jacob. 224 00:10:53,867 --> 00:10:55,035 Really? 225 00:10:55,118 --> 00:10:56,828 You're my chief mixologist! 226 00:10:56,995 --> 00:10:58,163 Yay. 227 00:10:58,372 --> 00:10:59,414 Bloop. 228 00:10:59,540 --> 00:11:01,208 I love you, buddy. 229 00:11:01,875 --> 00:11:05,379 Hey, Courtney. Your tits look fantastic! 230 00:11:05,462 --> 00:11:06,964 Eat shit, Lou. 231 00:11:07,965 --> 00:11:09,341 ( CHUCKLING ) 232 00:11:10,425 --> 00:11:13,387 ( SIGHS ) She's one of the good ones, man. 233 00:11:13,470 --> 00:11:15,347 Come on. Let's get a drink. 234 00:11:15,430 --> 00:11:17,224 ( DANCE MUSIC PLAYING ) 235 00:11:28,735 --> 00:11:30,904 Jeez. The place is like a deathtrap, huh? 236 00:11:31,071 --> 00:11:33,365 Just lousy with statues, and the... 237 00:11:34,533 --> 00:11:37,536 Not a lot of coats, right? Not a lot of coats. 238 00:11:37,703 --> 00:11:39,371 Can I take your jacket? 239 00:11:39,580 --> 00:11:43,584 Oh, no, no, no. I'm actually kind of "on the job" tonight. 240 00:11:43,667 --> 00:11:45,877 It's my dad's party, he runs Lougle. 241 00:11:46,295 --> 00:11:47,296 What do you do? 242 00:11:47,462 --> 00:11:49,923 ( STAMMERS ) You know, I'm just kind of a Jack-of-all-trades. 243 00:11:50,048 --> 00:11:52,593 - So you're the butler. - No! ( SCOFFS ) 244 00:11:53,594 --> 00:11:56,805 Come on. Do I look like a butler to you? 245 00:11:56,930 --> 00:11:59,266 You look exactly like a butler. 246 00:12:00,142 --> 00:12:01,768 Goddamn, it's good to see you, man. 247 00:12:01,852 --> 00:12:02,936 You, too, buddy. 248 00:12:03,103 --> 00:12:05,689 Man. That tub, huh? 249 00:12:06,523 --> 00:12:07,941 Really turned it all around. 250 00:12:08,025 --> 00:12:09,943 It's the best thing that ever happened to me. 251 00:12:12,738 --> 00:12:15,657 You ever wish we could go back for one more dip? 252 00:12:15,741 --> 00:12:17,743 You know, tweak some things? 253 00:12:17,868 --> 00:12:20,454 Use time travel for more important reasons. 254 00:12:20,912 --> 00:12:22,748 Too bad the tub is gone. 255 00:12:22,914 --> 00:12:24,041 Yeah. 256 00:12:24,541 --> 00:12:25,542 Too bad. 257 00:12:26,418 --> 00:12:27,419 Oh, fuck. 258 00:12:29,171 --> 00:12:30,172 Sorry. 259 00:12:30,589 --> 00:12:31,715 What the fuck? Lou... 260 00:12:31,923 --> 00:12:34,551 Nick-nack-paddywhack! Give a dog a what? 261 00:12:34,635 --> 00:12:36,553 Gary Winkle. 262 00:12:36,637 --> 00:12:39,222 Look at this. Look, Lou spilled his drink on me 263 00:12:39,306 --> 00:12:41,350 so I don't have to talk to you. 264 00:12:41,558 --> 00:12:42,601 Good looking out. 265 00:12:43,101 --> 00:12:44,603 Okay, just laying it all out there. 266 00:12:44,686 --> 00:12:47,022 Where are me and you right now on a scale of, like, 267 00:12:47,105 --> 00:12:50,400 "dinner and a movie" to "tropical sex vacation"? 268 00:12:50,651 --> 00:12:52,694 We're on the "It's never, ever going to happen" 269 00:12:52,778 --> 00:12:53,820 part of the scale. 270 00:12:53,945 --> 00:12:55,781 - So, like a four. - One and a half. 271 00:12:55,947 --> 00:12:58,617 - Mmm-hmm. ( GULPS ) - Minus the half. 272 00:12:58,742 --> 00:12:59,910 What are you selling, Gary? 273 00:12:59,993 --> 00:13:01,787 What? No love for Gary Winkle? 274 00:13:02,788 --> 00:13:04,498 Okay, but it is a sound investment this time. 275 00:13:04,581 --> 00:13:05,582 I'm telling you, man. 276 00:13:05,874 --> 00:13:07,042 No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait. 277 00:13:07,125 --> 00:13:08,710 It is only 12 blocks from the river. 278 00:13:08,877 --> 00:13:12,297 Pristine lot. You can build an office tower, 279 00:13:12,381 --> 00:13:14,800 nightclub, combo, whatever the fuck. 280 00:13:14,925 --> 00:13:15,884 I don't care. 281 00:13:15,967 --> 00:13:18,178 Okay, I get it, man, I get it. I get it. I'm a loser. 282 00:13:18,261 --> 00:13:20,597 Okay, I'm always going to be a loser. I'm not like you guys. 283 00:13:20,681 --> 00:13:23,433 I didn't magically turn it all around after that ski trip. 284 00:13:23,517 --> 00:13:26,937 All I got is this piece of land, and I know it's a piece of shit, okay? 285 00:13:27,020 --> 00:13:29,898 But it's... It can be our piece of shit. 286 00:13:29,981 --> 00:13:30,982 Not interested. Pass. 287 00:13:34,986 --> 00:13:38,281 BRUCE BUFFER: We are live! 288 00:13:38,490 --> 00:13:41,410 Coming to you from the heart of the Bayou. 289 00:13:41,493 --> 00:13:43,495 At the height of his career, 290 00:13:43,620 --> 00:13:47,457 worth 2.3 billion dollars, 291 00:13:47,833 --> 00:13:53,296 introducing Lou "the Violator" 292 00:13:53,380 --> 00:13:54,715 Dorchen! 293 00:13:54,798 --> 00:13:56,007 ( GUESTS CHEERING ) 294 00:14:07,394 --> 00:14:08,520 ( GLASS SHATTERS ) 295 00:14:13,525 --> 00:14:16,236 We've grown quite a bit over the years, haven't we? 296 00:14:16,319 --> 00:14:18,488 Some of us have achieved our dreams. 297 00:14:18,822 --> 00:14:21,241 Others have found new dreams to chase. 298 00:14:21,533 --> 00:14:22,868 You know, I bet... 299 00:14:23,118 --> 00:14:25,412 I bet there's not a person in this room who, 300 00:14:25,495 --> 00:14:27,414 given the chance to do it all over again, 301 00:14:27,497 --> 00:14:29,374 would do it any differently. Am I right? 302 00:14:29,499 --> 00:14:31,376 - Am I right? -( ALL AGREEING ) 303 00:14:34,880 --> 00:14:36,465 Hmm. And if you believe that... 304 00:14:36,548 --> 00:14:40,135 If you truly believe that in your heart of hearts, 305 00:14:40,218 --> 00:14:41,428 well, then, 306 00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:42,804 ( SCOFFS ) 307 00:14:42,888 --> 00:14:45,724 you're all a bunch of fucking morons! 308 00:14:45,974 --> 00:14:47,058 Genius. 309 00:14:47,225 --> 00:14:51,062 Life is about do-overs, okay? 310 00:14:51,354 --> 00:14:53,815 And if you see your second chance 311 00:14:54,024 --> 00:14:56,943 peeking its dick around a corner, snatch it! 312 00:14:57,235 --> 00:14:59,362 Grab it! Take my advice. 313 00:14:59,654 --> 00:15:01,573 Look at the people you love most in this world, 314 00:15:01,656 --> 00:15:04,075 then you tell them to go fuck themselves. 315 00:15:04,201 --> 00:15:06,244 Because life is about number one. 316 00:15:06,411 --> 00:15:09,539 Numero Lou-no! 317 00:15:09,664 --> 00:15:11,166 ( THUNDER RUMBLING ) 318 00:15:11,249 --> 00:15:13,251 So come on, it's a party, right? 319 00:15:13,376 --> 00:15:17,172 Let's all get nude and fuck! 320 00:15:18,089 --> 00:15:19,466 ( ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ) 321 00:15:26,431 --> 00:15:27,390 ( ALL GASP ) 322 00:15:27,474 --> 00:15:28,475 ( GROANS ) 323 00:15:28,558 --> 00:15:29,726 ( ALL SCREAMING ) 324 00:15:31,144 --> 00:15:32,354 MAN: Move! 325 00:15:34,481 --> 00:15:37,234 About time someone manned up and shot the bastard. 326 00:15:39,444 --> 00:15:41,196 - Holy shit, he's been shot. - In the dick! 327 00:15:41,279 --> 00:15:43,365 Shit! It's bad! Somebody call an ambulance! 328 00:15:43,448 --> 00:15:44,533 - LOU: Nick. - Yeah, buddy. 329 00:15:44,616 --> 00:15:46,743 You got your hand on my penis! 330 00:15:46,868 --> 00:15:48,036 I'm applying direct pressure! 331 00:15:48,119 --> 00:15:49,079 You don't have to touch it that hard. 332 00:15:49,162 --> 00:15:50,539 My hand is acting as a tourniquet! 333 00:15:50,622 --> 00:15:51,623 You work his dick. Whatever. 334 00:15:51,748 --> 00:15:53,542 No, no! Lou, Lou! Stay with me! 335 00:15:53,625 --> 00:15:55,043 Stay with me. Look at me. Look at me. 336 00:15:55,210 --> 00:15:56,211 Who shot you? 337 00:15:56,294 --> 00:15:57,546 ( STAMMERING ) 338 00:15:57,629 --> 00:15:58,964 Chux... Zedo. 339 00:15:59,297 --> 00:16:01,299 Chuck Zito? That motherfucker! 340 00:16:01,633 --> 00:16:03,426 - I think he's saying "tuxedo". - Tuxedo? 341 00:16:03,510 --> 00:16:04,636 ( GROANS ) God, it hurts so bad. 342 00:16:04,761 --> 00:16:05,887 Who the fuck's wearing a tuxedo? 343 00:16:06,012 --> 00:16:07,305 ( LOU SOBBING ) 344 00:16:08,306 --> 00:16:09,641 What? What? 345 00:16:09,975 --> 00:16:11,726 Okay, first of all, this isn't a tuxedo, 346 00:16:11,810 --> 00:16:13,395 this is a morning suit. It's way more casual. 347 00:16:13,478 --> 00:16:14,437 Mmm-hmm. 348 00:16:14,521 --> 00:16:15,772 Don't you watch Downton Abbey? 349 00:16:15,856 --> 00:16:18,358 I was standing right there beside you! I didn't fuckin' shoot him! 350 00:16:18,483 --> 00:16:20,402 I want my dick back! 351 00:16:20,485 --> 00:16:21,903 Lou's gonna fuckin' die! He's out of time! 352 00:16:22,153 --> 00:16:23,613 No, he's not. 353 00:16:24,239 --> 00:16:25,323 We'll give him more time. 354 00:16:25,490 --> 00:16:27,075 - What? - Grab his arms. 355 00:16:27,659 --> 00:16:30,704 Oh, God, I take it back! I take it back! 356 00:16:30,954 --> 00:16:34,541 I don't want a shotgun to the dick! It hurts so much! 357 00:16:34,833 --> 00:16:37,002 Oh, God! Oh, God! 358 00:16:38,253 --> 00:16:40,422 - What the fuck are you doing? - Hang on. Trust me. 359 00:16:44,217 --> 00:16:45,218 Whoa. 360 00:16:46,052 --> 00:16:47,387 ( LOU GROANING ) 361 00:16:47,846 --> 00:16:49,848 ( NICK AND JACOB GRUNTING ) 362 00:16:55,562 --> 00:16:58,356 Holy shit. 363 00:16:59,774 --> 00:17:01,026 JACOB: I know, right? NICK: How? 364 00:17:01,359 --> 00:17:02,360 He stole it. 365 00:17:02,527 --> 00:17:05,363 I stole time! I stole the whole ski lodge! 366 00:17:07,949 --> 00:17:10,619 Check it out. Pure nitrotrinadium. 367 00:17:10,702 --> 00:17:11,661 Lou got it from the Russians. 368 00:17:11,745 --> 00:17:12,996 He told them he's gonna build them a bomb. 369 00:17:13,079 --> 00:17:14,080 NICK: Classic Lou. 370 00:17:14,205 --> 00:17:15,540 Yeah. They've never seen Back to the Future. 371 00:17:15,624 --> 00:17:16,708 All right. Everybody, get in. 372 00:17:17,250 --> 00:17:18,752 A little help here. 373 00:17:19,210 --> 00:17:20,545 JACOB: Come on, Lou, you got to earn it. 374 00:17:20,879 --> 00:17:22,464 Adam's trench coat? 375 00:17:22,797 --> 00:17:24,966 What the fuck is this? Is Adam here? 376 00:17:27,802 --> 00:17:29,387 NICK: Stay with me, Violator. 377 00:17:31,306 --> 00:17:34,059 Where's my hair? It's where my power lies. 378 00:17:34,142 --> 00:17:35,477 JACOB: Fuck your fucking wig. 379 00:17:35,560 --> 00:17:38,271 We gotta go back in time and stop the killer before he shoots Lou. 380 00:17:38,396 --> 00:17:39,397 ( GRUNTING ) 381 00:17:41,149 --> 00:17:42,150 No. 382 00:17:42,233 --> 00:17:43,193 It's how it works. 383 00:17:43,276 --> 00:17:45,403 We get blackout drunk, we hallucinate, 384 00:17:45,487 --> 00:17:46,947 we wake up back in time. 385 00:17:47,030 --> 00:17:48,531 Don't mess with a winning formula, huh? 386 00:17:48,615 --> 00:17:50,241 Don't be a fuckin' pussy! 387 00:17:51,660 --> 00:17:53,578 ( HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING ) 388 00:18:14,432 --> 00:18:17,560 Guys, I feel fucking great! I think it worked. 389 00:18:30,657 --> 00:18:32,117 ( ALL YELLING ) 390 00:18:36,955 --> 00:18:37,956 ( SCREAMS ) 391 00:18:52,303 --> 00:18:54,764 JACOB: Lou's not breathing. NICK: I think he's gone. 392 00:19:15,118 --> 00:19:16,745 Nick, Nick, Nick! Help, help, help! 393 00:19:16,828 --> 00:19:17,912 NICK: Oh, shit. 394 00:19:20,749 --> 00:19:22,083 - Lou, Lou. - Lou. Lou! 395 00:19:22,167 --> 00:19:24,502 Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck. 396 00:19:28,840 --> 00:19:29,883 I guess we were too late. 397 00:19:31,009 --> 00:19:33,178 Life is fucking weird, you know? 398 00:19:33,511 --> 00:19:36,014 I spent so much time hating him. 399 00:19:36,514 --> 00:19:38,850 And now that he's gone, I can't help but feel... 400 00:19:38,933 --> 00:19:39,934 Love. 401 00:19:40,018 --> 00:19:42,187 No. Not love. Don't be stupid. 402 00:19:42,353 --> 00:19:43,354 Respect? 403 00:19:43,605 --> 00:19:45,523 No, that's still way too strong a word. 404 00:19:45,774 --> 00:19:47,108 Admiration? 405 00:19:47,317 --> 00:19:49,444 I mean, there's nothing admirable about him. 406 00:19:49,527 --> 00:19:51,446 Well, I mean, he's your dad. Honor, maybe? 407 00:19:51,529 --> 00:19:54,157 Not honor. I mean, that falls kind of with respect and admiration. 408 00:19:54,240 --> 00:19:56,868 Maybe just kind of a... Just a general sense of... 409 00:19:56,951 --> 00:19:57,952 Missing, you miss him. 410 00:19:58,036 --> 00:19:59,204 - Yeah, I miss him. - Oh, you miss him. Yeah, yeah. 411 00:19:59,287 --> 00:20:00,330 I motherfucking miss him. 412 00:20:00,413 --> 00:20:02,916 What're you doing? You up in heaven? Raping angels? 413 00:20:03,041 --> 00:20:04,125 Good for you, buddy. 414 00:20:07,545 --> 00:20:08,755 ( SIGHS ) 415 00:20:10,173 --> 00:20:11,299 ( FARTING ) 416 00:20:11,382 --> 00:20:12,634 - Oh, God. - What the fuck? 417 00:20:12,717 --> 00:20:13,968 I saw this on C.S.I. 418 00:20:14,052 --> 00:20:16,137 The bowels evacuate 419 00:20:16,221 --> 00:20:17,889 -when the body dies. - Oh. 420 00:20:18,139 --> 00:20:20,391 That smells like hatred. 421 00:20:20,642 --> 00:20:21,976 This is gonna get worse before it gets better. 422 00:20:22,227 --> 00:20:24,395 - My dick! My dick! -( BOTH YELLING ) 423 00:20:25,230 --> 00:20:27,398 It worked! Holy shit! Wait, look! 424 00:20:27,690 --> 00:20:29,067 Look, look! 425 00:20:29,317 --> 00:20:31,402 That's a good-looking dick to me! 426 00:20:31,528 --> 00:20:32,654 ( LAUGHING ) 427 00:20:32,737 --> 00:20:34,906 My dick is back! 428 00:20:36,574 --> 00:20:37,700 How far back did we go? 429 00:20:41,704 --> 00:20:43,039 I don't know. 430 00:20:53,883 --> 00:20:57,137 We put a big dryer in so we don't have to time travel naked. 431 00:20:57,262 --> 00:20:58,763 This is different. 432 00:20:59,430 --> 00:21:02,267 LOU: It's like a Scandinavian gay bar. 433 00:21:03,059 --> 00:21:04,853 Looks like a Miami IKEA. 434 00:21:04,936 --> 00:21:06,229 Dude, it looks amazing. 435 00:21:06,563 --> 00:21:08,731 I mean, look how classy it is. It's like a museum. 436 00:21:14,737 --> 00:21:15,947 ( GASPING ) 437 00:21:16,030 --> 00:21:17,115 ( GROANS ) 438 00:21:18,741 --> 00:21:19,826 Who... 439 00:21:19,909 --> 00:21:20,910 Who is this? 440 00:21:22,537 --> 00:21:23,913 - I think it's Jacob. -( GASPS ) 441 00:21:24,038 --> 00:21:25,165 Why am I bald? 442 00:21:25,456 --> 00:21:27,125 What did you do? 443 00:21:27,292 --> 00:21:28,626 I didn't... I didn't do that. 444 00:21:28,877 --> 00:21:30,461 You look like a pedophile dressed you. 445 00:21:30,628 --> 00:21:32,922 You look like a Jewish Jason Statham. 446 00:21:33,298 --> 00:21:35,800 You look like Michael Chiklis fucked Big Daddy Warbucks, 447 00:21:35,884 --> 00:21:37,135 who fucked Lex Luthor. 448 00:21:37,719 --> 00:21:38,720 That's what it is. 449 00:21:38,803 --> 00:21:40,805 And... And... Who's the little doggie? 450 00:21:40,889 --> 00:21:43,099 What's he do... What's he just doing there like this? 451 00:21:43,224 --> 00:21:44,893 Why aren't you fucking that doggie? 452 00:21:44,976 --> 00:21:46,519 Why would I be fucking the dog? 453 00:21:46,603 --> 00:21:47,896 BOTH: Power over nature. 454 00:21:48,980 --> 00:21:49,981 SOPHIE: Hey, you. 455 00:21:52,317 --> 00:21:53,651 Is that the coat-check girl? 456 00:21:56,863 --> 00:21:57,864 Boobs. 457 00:21:57,989 --> 00:21:59,741 Hey, how are you? 458 00:22:02,285 --> 00:22:03,620 I didn't know you had company. 459 00:22:03,828 --> 00:22:05,413 - Yeah... - Hey, Nick. 460 00:22:05,580 --> 00:22:06,581 'Sup? 461 00:22:07,040 --> 00:22:08,374 What's he doing here? 462 00:22:08,499 --> 00:22:10,001 This is my house. 463 00:22:12,420 --> 00:22:13,796 Think that'll hold you till later? 464 00:22:14,172 --> 00:22:15,548 Yeah, I'm sure. 465 00:22:15,882 --> 00:22:17,759 - Bye, Nick. - Bye. 466 00:22:17,967 --> 00:22:19,344 - See you at the club? - Right. 467 00:22:22,931 --> 00:22:25,099 That coat-check girl is rude. 468 00:22:25,308 --> 00:22:26,434 I like her. 469 00:22:26,768 --> 00:22:29,020 I think it's pretty obvious what's going on here, right. 470 00:22:29,103 --> 00:22:30,104 What? 471 00:22:30,271 --> 00:22:32,899 Alternate universe. Like Fringe. 472 00:22:33,608 --> 00:22:34,651 BOTH: ( SINGING ) Nerd 473 00:22:34,734 --> 00:22:37,403 You're a fucking nerd 474 00:22:37,487 --> 00:22:38,529 Nerd 475 00:22:38,655 --> 00:22:40,990 You're a fucking nerd 476 00:22:41,074 --> 00:22:43,576 - Nerd - And no one likes you 477 00:22:43,701 --> 00:22:44,661 Poindexter 478 00:22:44,744 --> 00:22:45,787 No one likes you 479 00:22:45,870 --> 00:22:47,956 FEMALE AUTOMATED VOICE: Media preferences, Mr. Dorchen? 480 00:22:48,039 --> 00:22:49,040 Hello? 481 00:22:49,290 --> 00:22:51,960 Media preferences, Mr. Dorchen? 482 00:22:52,460 --> 00:22:54,128 Duck Dynasty? 483 00:22:54,337 --> 00:22:56,589 Media preferences, Mr. Dorchen? 484 00:22:56,756 --> 00:22:58,883 Duck Fucking Dynasty! 485 00:22:59,384 --> 00:23:01,052 Just try "the news." 486 00:23:01,219 --> 00:23:03,388 News selected. Thank you, Mr. Dorchen. 487 00:23:03,471 --> 00:23:04,472 MALE ANNOUNCER 1: Tune in tomorrow 488 00:23:04,555 --> 00:23:05,848 for the challenge round. 489 00:23:06,057 --> 00:23:09,143 Eat a boot? Eat your feelings. Choozy Doozy. 490 00:23:09,310 --> 00:23:11,187 I think I may be Mr. Dorchen. 491 00:23:11,312 --> 00:23:12,855 - What? No. - I think this is my house. 492 00:23:12,939 --> 00:23:14,691 - No way. - I think he's right, Lou. 493 00:23:14,899 --> 00:23:15,984 - That's impossible. - You heard it. 494 00:23:16,067 --> 00:23:17,485 - It just answered me. - Uh-uh! 495 00:23:17,694 --> 00:23:19,487 MALE ANNOUNCER 2: March 26, 2025. 496 00:23:19,570 --> 00:23:22,490 From Comedy Central's World News headquarters in New York.com, 497 00:23:22,573 --> 00:23:24,826 this is The Daily Show with Jessica Williams. 498 00:23:24,951 --> 00:23:25,994 2025. 499 00:23:26,828 --> 00:23:28,496 ( AUDIENCE CHEERING ON TV ) 500 00:23:28,579 --> 00:23:31,916 Hey! Welcome to The Daily Show. I'm Jessica Williams. 501 00:23:32,000 --> 00:23:34,377 Tonight's guest, Dame Jennifer Lawrence 502 00:23:34,460 --> 00:23:37,672 promoting her Meryl Streep biopic, Streepin' It Real. 503 00:23:37,839 --> 00:23:40,508 Hey, how do they get the people to be on this show? 504 00:23:40,842 --> 00:23:42,969 So, by now you've all seen the NSA satellite footage 505 00:23:43,052 --> 00:23:44,470 of the road rage incident 506 00:23:44,554 --> 00:23:47,807 between two self-driving smart cars in New Detroit. 507 00:23:48,016 --> 00:23:49,183 President Neil Patrick Harris has called 508 00:23:49,934 --> 00:23:52,270 for greater regulation of the industry, 509 00:23:52,770 --> 00:23:55,690 while congressional Republicans defend every sentient automobile's 510 00:23:55,773 --> 00:23:58,359 constitutional right to shoot a black car 511 00:23:58,443 --> 00:23:59,777 if it's actin' funny. 512 00:23:59,902 --> 00:24:01,112 ( LAUGHS ) 513 00:24:01,654 --> 00:24:03,114 This show's still got it. 514 00:24:03,197 --> 00:24:06,868 Holy shit. We went 10 years into the future. 515 00:24:11,456 --> 00:24:12,582 Whoa. 516 00:24:13,124 --> 00:24:15,209 I'm distinguished. 517 00:24:15,585 --> 00:24:17,795 Oh, I should shave this, right? 518 00:24:17,962 --> 00:24:19,589 Yeah, that's not a good look. 519 00:24:19,672 --> 00:24:21,424 This is so smooth, I don't think I went bald. 520 00:24:21,507 --> 00:24:22,550 I think this is a choice, 521 00:24:22,633 --> 00:24:24,969 like Andre Agassi or Bruce Willis or something. 522 00:24:25,178 --> 00:24:27,472 You don't look anything like either of those two people. 523 00:24:27,555 --> 00:24:31,017 For one, they're fit and handsome and you're neither of those things. 524 00:24:31,142 --> 00:24:32,935 You look like a turtle crawled out of his shell. 525 00:24:33,061 --> 00:24:34,645 Fuck you for making me bald. 526 00:24:34,729 --> 00:24:37,398 You look like an orchestra conductor for stray cats. 527 00:24:37,482 --> 00:24:39,901 You look like you give lectures on public access. 528 00:24:39,984 --> 00:24:41,736 You look like a grown-up Gerber baby. 529 00:24:42,153 --> 00:24:44,655 LOU: You look like an egg gave birth to another egg. 530 00:24:44,781 --> 00:24:46,240 You look like Gandalf the Poor. 531 00:24:46,324 --> 00:24:47,283 ( CHUCKLES ) 532 00:24:47,367 --> 00:24:49,494 You look like you advise Lando Calrissian. 533 00:24:49,619 --> 00:24:50,578 That's a good one. 534 00:24:50,661 --> 00:24:51,913 You look like the guy that owns the one house 535 00:24:51,996 --> 00:24:53,081 that ruins the whole street. 536 00:24:53,206 --> 00:24:54,999 Have I bombed anything, you think? 537 00:24:55,083 --> 00:24:57,085 You look like you've never made a correct decision. 538 00:24:57,168 --> 00:24:58,294 Ever. 539 00:24:58,461 --> 00:25:01,130 I have definitely given a back-alley blowjob. 540 00:25:01,339 --> 00:25:02,507 I gotta admit I kinda like this. 541 00:25:02,715 --> 00:25:04,550 I want to hit you into the corner pocket. 542 00:25:04,717 --> 00:25:07,428 Now I know why the coat-check girl didn't like me. 543 00:25:07,512 --> 00:25:09,305 I look like fucking shit. 544 00:25:13,893 --> 00:25:16,396 So far so good on this future shit, huh? 545 00:25:16,479 --> 00:25:17,980 Yeah. You know what? 546 00:25:18,064 --> 00:25:20,274 I don't feel like anything bad's going to happen. 547 00:25:20,900 --> 00:25:21,901 Uh-oh. 548 00:25:21,984 --> 00:25:24,487 Hey, check it out. I found all the gear from the painting. 549 00:25:24,570 --> 00:25:25,613 - Cool, huh? - Whoa. 550 00:25:25,696 --> 00:25:27,031 ( LAUGHING ) 551 00:25:28,157 --> 00:25:29,784 What happened to the bottom of your suit? 552 00:25:29,867 --> 00:25:31,327 That pesky little doggie eat it? 553 00:25:31,702 --> 00:25:33,121 It's called fashion, Lou. 554 00:25:33,538 --> 00:25:34,539 You look like... 555 00:25:34,705 --> 00:25:35,706 Nope, not doing anymore "You look like." 556 00:25:35,832 --> 00:25:36,791 But you look like... 557 00:25:36,874 --> 00:25:38,042 I don't give a shit. We did it on the stairs. 558 00:25:38,126 --> 00:25:39,127 We did it in front of the mirror. 559 00:25:39,210 --> 00:25:40,545 It'd be tacky to do it a third time. 560 00:25:40,711 --> 00:25:42,547 Anyway, do you guys want some fresh clothes? 561 00:25:42,630 --> 00:25:44,006 I got a whole closet full of stuff. 562 00:25:44,090 --> 00:25:46,175 I love this shirt. My shit is fly. 563 00:25:46,259 --> 00:25:48,219 Weren't you listening to my speech, dude? 564 00:25:48,428 --> 00:25:50,179 Always pack a bag. 565 00:25:51,722 --> 00:25:53,266 Hey, is that... 566 00:25:54,517 --> 00:25:55,810 - No. It is not. - How did you get that? 567 00:25:55,893 --> 00:25:57,270 - I didn't get... - I know what it... 568 00:25:57,353 --> 00:25:58,563 I saw what it said. 569 00:25:58,813 --> 00:25:59,981 It doesn't say anything! 570 00:26:00,064 --> 00:26:01,190 Was that the Cincinnati box? 571 00:26:01,274 --> 00:26:02,567 ( BOTH SHUSHING ) 572 00:26:02,733 --> 00:26:05,236 - Don't say that out loud. - It might hear you. 573 00:26:05,445 --> 00:26:07,405 You're really never going to tell me what's inside that box? 574 00:26:07,738 --> 00:26:10,450 Okay, we'll tell you. We'll tell him. 575 00:26:10,867 --> 00:26:12,410 - I'm going to tell him. - NICK: Lou. 576 00:26:12,618 --> 00:26:15,288 It's the Declaration of Independence with a map on the back. 577 00:26:15,371 --> 00:26:17,415 - Our family's chosen. - Yep. 578 00:26:17,707 --> 00:26:19,459 That's just the plot of that movie National Treasure. 579 00:26:19,542 --> 00:26:20,543 It's the Ark of the Covenant. 580 00:26:20,668 --> 00:26:22,879 That's Raiders of the Lost Ark. You're not even tryin'. 581 00:26:22,962 --> 00:26:24,755 I mean, that's not even anything that could be in the box. 582 00:26:24,881 --> 00:26:26,549 Okay, this has gone on long enough. 583 00:26:26,632 --> 00:26:27,675 Okay. 584 00:26:27,758 --> 00:26:31,721 It's a ring that turns you invisible and carries with it the power of evil. 585 00:26:31,846 --> 00:26:34,348 I've seen fucking movies, you guys! I've seen movies! 586 00:26:34,474 --> 00:26:36,392 Wait, why are you alive? 587 00:26:36,476 --> 00:26:37,518 What? 588 00:26:37,602 --> 00:26:39,395 Why are you alive? We're in the future. 589 00:26:39,479 --> 00:26:41,105 Yeah, you know what? He's right. 590 00:26:41,189 --> 00:26:43,024 'Cause if we went back in time, you'd be alive. 591 00:26:43,107 --> 00:26:44,859 But we went 10 years in the fuckin' future. 592 00:26:44,942 --> 00:26:46,027 You should be dead. 593 00:26:46,235 --> 00:26:47,612 Yeah, what the fuck? 594 00:26:47,778 --> 00:26:49,447 What you should be asking yourselves is, 595 00:26:49,530 --> 00:26:51,157 -"When the fuck?" -( ALL GASPING ) 596 00:26:51,240 --> 00:26:53,117 God damn it! 597 00:26:53,284 --> 00:26:54,660 This fucking guy again! 598 00:26:54,744 --> 00:26:55,745 Why do you do that? 599 00:26:55,953 --> 00:26:57,580 LOU: He's not going to tell us anything. 600 00:26:57,747 --> 00:27:00,082 Hey, why don't you make like a fuck off and get out of here? 601 00:27:00,249 --> 00:27:04,045 Wait. So all we have to do is go back and Lou's gonna be okay, right? 602 00:27:04,629 --> 00:27:07,131 It's not that simple, really. 603 00:27:07,298 --> 00:27:09,383 The hot tub doesn't take you where you want to go. 604 00:27:09,467 --> 00:27:10,885 It takes you where you need to go. 605 00:27:10,968 --> 00:27:11,969 Come on! 606 00:27:12,094 --> 00:27:15,848 There are certain calculations and innovations 607 00:27:15,932 --> 00:27:19,143 and salutations that haven't even come to pass yet. 608 00:27:19,435 --> 00:27:21,103 What the hell does that mean? 609 00:27:21,229 --> 00:27:24,524 What it means is, at the present, your tub here is just a tub. 610 00:27:24,649 --> 00:27:27,151 Wait, are you saying that time travel is not even possible? 611 00:27:27,318 --> 00:27:30,029 Right on, Liz. Give the pretty lady a flower. 612 00:27:30,154 --> 00:27:31,489 - Damn it. - Lizzie. 613 00:27:31,656 --> 00:27:33,658 That's bullshit, okay? 614 00:27:33,741 --> 00:27:36,577 We got a whole vault of nitro right here. ( GASPS ) 615 00:27:37,078 --> 00:27:39,163 Where'd it go? Where did it go? 616 00:27:40,331 --> 00:27:41,999 What did you do with my nitro? 617 00:27:42,250 --> 00:27:44,919 How can I take what doesn't exist yet? 618 00:27:45,086 --> 00:27:47,463 It exists in the past. How can it not exist in the future? 619 00:27:47,547 --> 00:27:50,174 The past, the future. All very cute. 620 00:27:50,424 --> 00:27:52,468 But who's to say the past isn't anything more 621 00:27:52,552 --> 00:27:54,845 than the future of this present? 622 00:27:55,263 --> 00:27:56,973 So, nitro is from the future? 623 00:27:57,056 --> 00:27:58,099 ( SIGHS ) 624 00:27:58,182 --> 00:27:59,433 Like Terminator. 625 00:27:59,600 --> 00:28:01,018 - Yeah. - Oh! Oh, my God. 626 00:28:01,102 --> 00:28:03,104 You think everything is like Terminator. 627 00:28:03,187 --> 00:28:04,855 'Cause everything is like Terminator! 628 00:28:04,981 --> 00:28:07,024 Arnold's hand gets chopped off in the past, 629 00:28:07,108 --> 00:28:10,194 somebody finds it, reverse engineers that shit. Boom! 630 00:28:10,319 --> 00:28:12,655 Terminators running all around this motherfucker. 631 00:28:12,738 --> 00:28:13,990 That's how we got nitro? 632 00:28:14,490 --> 00:28:16,701 I don't know. I never saw Terminator. 633 00:28:16,993 --> 00:28:19,036 Oh, fuck this guy and his riddles! 634 00:28:20,204 --> 00:28:21,956 -( VOCALIZING ) -( GRUNTS ) 635 00:28:27,003 --> 00:28:28,588 Thanks for holding him down for me! 636 00:28:28,754 --> 00:28:29,755 "Hold him down"? 637 00:28:29,839 --> 00:28:31,757 So you can beat to death the mystical time baron 638 00:28:31,841 --> 00:28:33,342 that holds the keys to our very existence? 639 00:28:33,426 --> 00:28:35,011 That's your fucking plan here? 640 00:28:35,094 --> 00:28:36,220 ( SCOFFS ) Shut up. 641 00:28:36,345 --> 00:28:37,805 Tighten your shit up, Lou. We needed him. 642 00:28:37,888 --> 00:28:39,056 Amateur hour. 643 00:28:39,807 --> 00:28:41,350 This thing is awesome. 644 00:28:41,517 --> 00:28:42,852 I probably invented it. 645 00:28:42,935 --> 00:28:44,854 "Lou Sux 646 00:28:45,104 --> 00:28:49,233 "Cox N Dix." Flip it. ( LAUGHS ) 647 00:28:49,942 --> 00:28:50,943 Okay. 648 00:28:51,360 --> 00:28:52,653 Try to stay with me. 649 00:28:52,737 --> 00:28:54,572 This is going to get complicated. 650 00:28:54,697 --> 00:28:56,657 This is time. 651 00:28:57,199 --> 00:28:58,200 ( LOU GROANS ) 652 00:28:58,326 --> 00:28:59,535 And you're dead. 653 00:28:59,702 --> 00:29:01,579 So Lou is killed in our present, 654 00:29:01,704 --> 00:29:02,997 which means that here, in the future, 655 00:29:03,080 --> 00:29:04,332 he should still be dead. 656 00:29:04,415 --> 00:29:05,583 Well, clearly, he's not fuckin' dead, 657 00:29:05,666 --> 00:29:07,585 'cause he's sittin' here, still bothering me. 658 00:29:07,668 --> 00:29:09,128 So what that tells me is 659 00:29:09,211 --> 00:29:10,838 we're in a completely different future 660 00:29:10,921 --> 00:29:13,424 on a completely different timeline. 661 00:29:13,507 --> 00:29:16,093 Jacob, I'm the Sarlacc. 662 00:29:16,385 --> 00:29:17,386 ( VOCALIZING ) 663 00:29:17,470 --> 00:29:18,471 JACOB: Okay. 664 00:29:18,554 --> 00:29:20,264 Anyway, the Repairman said 665 00:29:20,348 --> 00:29:24,852 that the past is actually the future of the present we're in right now. 666 00:29:25,353 --> 00:29:29,398 So I think what that means is the killer is from the future. 667 00:29:29,899 --> 00:29:33,194 So clearly, someone from 2025 will go back in time and shoot Lou. 668 00:29:33,444 --> 00:29:34,779 Like Looper. 669 00:29:35,029 --> 00:29:36,113 Wow! 670 00:29:36,572 --> 00:29:38,366 How about a fucking spoiler alert? 671 00:29:38,449 --> 00:29:40,576 "Hey, Lou, you want to go see Looper?" 672 00:29:40,660 --> 00:29:42,453 "Nah, I got a thing I gotta do." 673 00:29:42,662 --> 00:29:44,413 It's in my queue! That counts. 674 00:29:44,538 --> 00:29:46,415 It's the first Bruce Willis movie we missed. 675 00:29:46,540 --> 00:29:48,000 - Is Bruce in that? - JACOB: Okay. 676 00:29:48,125 --> 00:29:51,879 Plainly, just by virtue of Lou being here alive in 2025 677 00:29:51,962 --> 00:29:54,340 when we know that he died in 2015, 678 00:29:54,590 --> 00:29:56,258 we're here to stop his future murder. 679 00:29:56,342 --> 00:29:59,053 - Which happens in the past. - Exactly. 680 00:29:59,136 --> 00:30:00,137 I get this shit. 681 00:30:00,262 --> 00:30:02,056 I'm bored by this shit. 682 00:30:02,139 --> 00:30:04,392 Let's go check out the future strip club situation. 683 00:30:04,475 --> 00:30:05,476 High five. 684 00:30:05,685 --> 00:30:07,395 Did you just say "high five" instead of high-fiving? 685 00:30:07,478 --> 00:30:08,813 - High five. - High five. 686 00:30:09,105 --> 00:30:10,898 That is the laziest thing I've ever heard. 687 00:30:10,981 --> 00:30:11,941 High five. 688 00:30:12,024 --> 00:30:13,567 You don't have the energy for this? 689 00:30:13,984 --> 00:30:16,237 No, no. You guys, we can't just fuck around. 690 00:30:16,320 --> 00:30:17,613 We got to find your murderer. 691 00:30:17,697 --> 00:30:19,615 Or we don't have to do any of that 692 00:30:19,699 --> 00:30:21,575 and we go check out a strip club. 693 00:30:21,826 --> 00:30:22,785 ( BUZZING ) 694 00:30:22,868 --> 00:30:23,911 Oh! 695 00:30:23,994 --> 00:30:26,205 - You flickered. - Ah, you're flickering. 696 00:30:26,288 --> 00:30:27,873 I flickered... Why am I flickering? 697 00:30:27,957 --> 00:30:29,041 By threatening your own existence. 698 00:30:29,125 --> 00:30:30,710 Have you listened to anything I've been saying? 699 00:30:30,876 --> 00:30:32,586 I have not listened to any of it. 700 00:30:32,920 --> 00:30:35,548 -( SIGHS ) - God, okay, fine! Fine. 701 00:30:35,631 --> 00:30:39,176 We'll solve my stupid murder, which hasn't happened yet. 702 00:30:41,137 --> 00:30:43,055 Or we can just go to a strip club. ( GASPS ) 703 00:30:43,556 --> 00:30:44,557 Oh... 704 00:30:44,640 --> 00:30:46,684 All right, fine! The fucking murder thing. 705 00:30:46,767 --> 00:30:49,603 ( HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING ) 706 00:31:04,452 --> 00:31:06,203 ( BAND PLAYING JAZZ ) 707 00:31:12,042 --> 00:31:14,628 Huh. Nothing's really changed. 708 00:31:14,795 --> 00:31:17,089 You'd figure after 10 years, something would be different, right? 709 00:31:17,715 --> 00:31:19,216 ( DOG PANTING ) 710 00:31:25,097 --> 00:31:27,433 That's some sexy-ass future shit right there. 711 00:31:27,641 --> 00:31:30,227 Do you or someone you love have a problem with 712 00:31:30,311 --> 00:31:32,813 -heroin, speed, ice... - Yes. Yeah. 713 00:31:32,897 --> 00:31:35,357 -...smack, whack, jack... - Uh-huh. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. 714 00:31:35,441 --> 00:31:37,777 ...Al Michaels' Revenge or cocaine? 715 00:31:37,860 --> 00:31:38,903 First order of business, 716 00:31:38,986 --> 00:31:40,863 we get ourselves some Al Michaels' Revenge, right? 717 00:31:40,946 --> 00:31:44,742 We can help put the "U" back in "Reuvenate." 718 00:31:44,825 --> 00:31:47,453 We're still demonizing addiction, huh? Like it's some kind of sickness. 719 00:31:47,828 --> 00:31:49,413 I cannot wait for you to hit rock bottom. 720 00:31:49,497 --> 00:31:50,998 ( LAUGHS ) Yeah! Yeah. 721 00:31:51,457 --> 00:31:53,375 Who in the future would want to kill you, Lou? 722 00:31:53,459 --> 00:31:54,752 I don't know. 723 00:31:54,835 --> 00:31:56,670 The only person who's ever had any motivation 724 00:31:56,754 --> 00:31:58,506 to kill me has been me. 725 00:31:58,631 --> 00:32:01,133 I treat everyone with the utmost respect and kindness. 726 00:32:01,258 --> 00:32:03,344 Lou, you tried to push me down the stairs last week. 727 00:32:03,427 --> 00:32:05,471 - As a joke! -( SCOFFS ) 728 00:32:07,473 --> 00:32:09,266 Oh, my God, it's you. 729 00:32:09,642 --> 00:32:10,851 Jacob is the murderer. 730 00:32:11,101 --> 00:32:13,354 I'm not the murderer. Come on. 731 00:32:13,854 --> 00:32:17,066 Oh, really? Because you seem to have stepped right into my life. 732 00:32:17,149 --> 00:32:19,944 You always wanted to be the one fucking that tiger! 733 00:32:20,069 --> 00:32:23,781 Lou, if I was going to fuckin' kill you, I wouldn't use a gun, okay? 734 00:32:23,864 --> 00:32:27,827 I would spike your mid-morning cocktail with a tasteless, but potent sedative. 735 00:32:27,910 --> 00:32:30,371 And, while you slept, I would wait the nine hours 736 00:32:30,454 --> 00:32:32,832 for it to fully flush out of your system, so there's no trace. 737 00:32:32,915 --> 00:32:37,211 And I would take you out into the Gulf and feed you to a tiger shark. 738 00:32:37,336 --> 00:32:38,671 Damn, that's cold. 739 00:32:38,838 --> 00:32:40,589 But I wouldn't use a gun. ( SCOFFS ) 740 00:32:40,673 --> 00:32:43,801 I'll be making my own mid-morning cocktail from now on, thank you. 741 00:32:43,884 --> 00:32:46,303 Man, I wish Adam was here. He'd know what to do. 742 00:32:46,387 --> 00:32:48,347 You just described my whole entire life. 743 00:32:48,430 --> 00:32:50,683 We need Adam and he's not here. 744 00:32:54,186 --> 00:32:55,563 Where the hell is he? 745 00:32:55,688 --> 00:32:57,022 Holy shit. 746 00:32:57,147 --> 00:32:59,149 When we were carrying you after you got shot, 747 00:32:59,233 --> 00:33:00,317 I saw his trench coat 748 00:33:00,401 --> 00:33:02,403 beside the hot tub time machine. 749 00:33:06,532 --> 00:33:08,033 Adam murdered me. 750 00:33:09,159 --> 00:33:10,369 JACOB: Okay, so Adam shoots Lou, 751 00:33:10,452 --> 00:33:12,621 and then uses the hot tub to escape somewhere in time. 752 00:33:12,705 --> 00:33:13,706 Textbook. 753 00:33:13,789 --> 00:33:15,791 Only in our fucked-up social circle is that textbook. 754 00:33:15,874 --> 00:33:17,543 Why would Adam wanna shoot you? 755 00:33:17,626 --> 00:33:20,713 I don't know. I've only been the best of friends to him. 756 00:33:20,796 --> 00:33:23,382 - You tried to fuck his wife. - You tried to fuck his wife? 757 00:33:23,465 --> 00:33:26,468 ( SCOFFS ) As a joke! Come on, you guys get that. 758 00:33:26,552 --> 00:33:27,553 BOTH: No. 759 00:33:27,636 --> 00:33:28,637 - You get it. -( DEVICE BEEPING ) 760 00:33:29,805 --> 00:33:32,224 In Lougle financial news, no surprise here, 761 00:33:32,308 --> 00:33:34,893 Lougle finished trading up 10 points today. 762 00:33:34,977 --> 00:33:37,646 Nice. Looks like I turned the company around. 763 00:33:38,314 --> 00:33:39,815 I'll turn you around. 764 00:33:40,316 --> 00:33:42,026 Somebody's grumpy 'cause they got murdered. 765 00:33:42,109 --> 00:33:43,444 NICK: Mmm-hmm. 766 00:33:45,654 --> 00:33:46,905 Adam! Come on out! 767 00:33:46,989 --> 00:33:48,741 It's your best friends in the whole fucking world! 768 00:33:48,824 --> 00:33:49,950 You sure this is the right place? 769 00:33:50,034 --> 00:33:52,953 Lougle Search brought up Adam's location and DNA. 770 00:33:53,037 --> 00:33:54,913 He's really got to fix his privacy settings. 771 00:33:54,997 --> 00:33:57,291 If he's here, I'm gonna kill him before he kills me. 772 00:33:57,458 --> 00:33:58,959 Hi. Can I help you? 773 00:33:59,835 --> 00:34:03,255 Oh, my God. Jacob Dorchen and Nick Webber? 774 00:34:03,464 --> 00:34:05,299 -( CHUCKLES ) - Guilty. 775 00:34:05,633 --> 00:34:07,843 Am I on Celebrity Subpoena? 776 00:34:07,926 --> 00:34:10,763 Just tell me. Tell me, am I on Celebrity Subpoena? 777 00:34:11,263 --> 00:34:13,349 And hello, sir. Who are you? 778 00:34:13,515 --> 00:34:15,100 - Fuck it, wrong house. - Stop. 779 00:34:15,184 --> 00:34:16,727 Does Adam Yates live here? 780 00:34:17,269 --> 00:34:19,188 I'm Adam Yates Stedmeyer. 781 00:34:20,606 --> 00:34:24,276 Okay, so you're married to my aunt, which makes you my uncle. 782 00:34:24,360 --> 00:34:28,906 But that means that you and I are first cousins. 783 00:34:29,573 --> 00:34:31,367 Oh, my God, you guys. This is aws. 784 00:34:31,450 --> 00:34:33,661 NICK: He looks like a preppie Braveheart. 785 00:34:33,827 --> 00:34:36,538 I found this photo after my mother died. 786 00:34:39,541 --> 00:34:41,543 BOTH: Great White Buffalo. 787 00:34:41,710 --> 00:34:42,878 Great White Buffalo. 788 00:34:42,961 --> 00:34:45,714 - BOTH: Great White Buffalo. - Great White Buffalo. 789 00:34:45,798 --> 00:34:47,549 Great White Buffalo. Yeah. 790 00:34:47,633 --> 00:34:48,967 Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. 791 00:34:49,051 --> 00:34:52,054 So this is him, right? This is my dad? 792 00:34:52,137 --> 00:34:53,138 So you never met him? 793 00:34:53,222 --> 00:34:54,932 No, they broke up before I was even born. 794 00:34:55,015 --> 00:34:55,974 Oh. 795 00:34:56,058 --> 00:34:58,185 But you guys can introduce us. 796 00:34:58,352 --> 00:35:02,022 Yeah. See, the thing about that is, it's complicated. 797 00:35:02,106 --> 00:35:04,149 Do you guys ever feel like 798 00:35:04,566 --> 00:35:06,402 everything happens for a reason? 799 00:35:06,568 --> 00:35:07,695 - BOTH: Yes. - No. 800 00:35:07,986 --> 00:35:10,447 Call it destiny, or predestiny. 801 00:35:10,531 --> 00:35:12,074 I think it's "predestination." 802 00:35:12,157 --> 00:35:14,243 No, it's predestiny. I read a book. 803 00:35:14,326 --> 00:35:15,494 Uh, was that book a dictionary? 804 00:35:15,661 --> 00:35:17,413 No, it was a book called Predestiny. 805 00:35:17,538 --> 00:35:18,997 Okay, I don't really give a shit. 806 00:35:19,081 --> 00:35:21,333 With predestiny, it dictates 807 00:35:21,542 --> 00:35:24,211 that there is a force or something holding the strings 808 00:35:24,294 --> 00:35:25,629 and setting everything up 809 00:35:25,713 --> 00:35:28,716 just so they can be knocked down perfectly 810 00:35:29,133 --> 00:35:30,926 into... 811 00:35:36,056 --> 00:35:37,057 Place. 812 00:35:37,141 --> 00:35:39,393 I can't! I can't do it! I gotta go. Let's go. 813 00:35:39,643 --> 00:35:41,395 - JACOB: Sorry. - Sorry, bro, we gotta go. 814 00:35:41,478 --> 00:35:42,479 Nice skirt, by the way. 815 00:35:42,563 --> 00:35:45,065 - Thank you. - JILL: I have the dress. 816 00:35:45,149 --> 00:35:46,650 Wait, who said anything about a dress? 817 00:35:46,734 --> 00:35:49,194 I certainly didn't say anything about the dress. 818 00:35:49,319 --> 00:35:50,446 Oh. 819 00:35:50,529 --> 00:35:52,531 I'm sorry. I didn't realize that Adam had guests. 820 00:35:52,614 --> 00:35:53,782 - Hey, babe. - Hi. 821 00:35:53,866 --> 00:35:57,035 Guys, meet Jill. Jill, meet the guys. 822 00:35:57,119 --> 00:35:58,996 We're getting married this weekend. 823 00:35:59,079 --> 00:36:01,957 Uh, me and Jill, not me and you guys. 824 00:36:02,207 --> 00:36:04,376 Oh, stop it. You're gonna make milk come out of my nose. 825 00:36:04,460 --> 00:36:06,336 - Milk? What milk? - I had milk earlier. 826 00:36:06,420 --> 00:36:07,463 Oh. 827 00:36:08,797 --> 00:36:10,048 Are you Nick Webber? 828 00:36:10,132 --> 00:36:11,467 Yes. Yes, I am. 829 00:36:11,592 --> 00:36:14,011 Would you please do the Webber Strut? 830 00:36:14,178 --> 00:36:15,345 The Webber... 831 00:36:15,637 --> 00:36:17,890 Come on, you know it. He wants us to do it. 832 00:36:17,973 --> 00:36:18,932 I think so. 833 00:36:19,016 --> 00:36:21,477 BOTH: Everybody, strut, strut, strut, strut. 834 00:36:21,643 --> 00:36:23,520 - Stop that. - Strut, strut, strut... 835 00:36:23,645 --> 00:36:26,106 Wow, they're really good at your dance. 836 00:36:26,315 --> 00:36:29,735 Your poor man's Macarena that you are very famous for. 837 00:36:29,818 --> 00:36:30,819 Everybody do the... 838 00:36:30,944 --> 00:36:32,696 They're, like, picking dicks out of a tree. 839 00:36:32,780 --> 00:36:34,198 It looks like dick-picking. 840 00:36:34,281 --> 00:36:37,117 And for the record, I still like your music. 841 00:36:37,201 --> 00:36:39,244 I mean, I know you've fallen on hard times. 842 00:36:39,369 --> 00:36:40,370 Hard times? 843 00:36:40,454 --> 00:36:42,331 You're so poor now, but I really like you still. 844 00:36:42,414 --> 00:36:43,874 What do you mean, poor? 845 00:36:43,957 --> 00:36:45,751 - Oh, my God, that's the one. - That's the one? 846 00:36:45,834 --> 00:36:46,960 - That is the one. -( SIGHS ) 847 00:36:47,044 --> 00:36:49,421 Honey, we found our mini-cake bites. 848 00:36:49,755 --> 00:36:50,839 - Phew! - Guys! 849 00:36:50,923 --> 00:36:52,758 We found our mini-cake bites. 850 00:36:52,841 --> 00:36:53,801 What? 851 00:36:53,884 --> 00:36:54,927 Oh, I didn't tell you. 852 00:36:55,010 --> 00:36:56,929 - Jacob is my cousin. - No. 853 00:36:57,012 --> 00:36:59,306 - ADAM: And Uncle Lou... - Don't you ever call me that. 854 00:36:59,431 --> 00:37:01,350 -...is my uncle. - What? 855 00:37:01,433 --> 00:37:04,520 And they came here in a, uh... What was it? 856 00:37:04,812 --> 00:37:06,063 BOTH: Hot tub time machine. 857 00:37:06,271 --> 00:37:07,314 That's right. 858 00:37:07,397 --> 00:37:08,440 Oh, okay. 859 00:37:08,524 --> 00:37:11,318 So I guess you came here in hot tub time machine, too. 860 00:37:14,279 --> 00:37:15,280 Listen. 861 00:37:17,616 --> 00:37:19,868 - They're looking for my dad. - What? 862 00:37:20,035 --> 00:37:22,120 - You have to go with them. - Uh... 863 00:37:22,204 --> 00:37:24,790 Would you guys mind? It would be really, really great 864 00:37:24,873 --> 00:37:26,375 to have my father at the wedding. 865 00:37:26,458 --> 00:37:27,501 Fuck that. Fuck that. 866 00:37:27,584 --> 00:37:29,378 No way in hell. No way in hell. 867 00:37:29,461 --> 00:37:30,587 You gotta let Adam go. 868 00:37:30,671 --> 00:37:32,923 I mean, this is exactly the sort of thing that he needs. 869 00:37:33,006 --> 00:37:35,843 We've been together for 10 years. He hardly ever goes out. 870 00:37:35,926 --> 00:37:37,344 He didn't even have a bachelor party. 871 00:37:37,427 --> 00:37:38,887 Honey, you're making me seem a little stiff. 872 00:37:38,971 --> 00:37:39,972 Right. 873 00:37:40,055 --> 00:37:43,100 All right. Well, you have fun and make good choices. 874 00:37:43,225 --> 00:37:45,060 - You're my best choice. - You're my best choice. 875 00:37:45,143 --> 00:37:47,479 - No, you're my best choice. - You're my bestest choice. 876 00:37:47,563 --> 00:37:49,231 No, you're my best choice! 877 00:37:49,356 --> 00:37:50,649 BOTH: You're my best choice! 878 00:37:50,774 --> 00:37:53,318 You're. My. Best. Choice. 879 00:37:53,485 --> 00:37:55,237 - The fuck? - Yeah, seriously. 880 00:37:55,612 --> 00:37:57,239 Guys, I'll be there in one second. 881 00:37:57,364 --> 00:38:00,158 BOTH: You're. My. Best. Choice. 882 00:38:00,659 --> 00:38:03,912 Uh, so you guys are my dad's full-on bros, huh? 883 00:38:04,121 --> 00:38:05,539 I always wondered what my dad's full-on bros 884 00:38:05,622 --> 00:38:08,500 would be like and now... Now I totally know. 885 00:38:08,584 --> 00:38:11,086 'Cause we're getting some serious hang-time. 886 00:38:11,420 --> 00:38:12,421 Hey. 887 00:38:13,213 --> 00:38:16,633 You know what, I feel like we are going to have an unforgettably... 888 00:38:16,717 --> 00:38:18,594 Dude, where the fuck are we going? 889 00:38:18,677 --> 00:38:20,095 Oh. Well, my mom used to live near here, 890 00:38:20,178 --> 00:38:23,432 so I figured we'd go by her old building and see if we can find a clue. 891 00:38:23,599 --> 00:38:26,727 Okay! Well, there's a 50-50 chance I might murder your dad, 892 00:38:26,810 --> 00:38:28,186 so if you have a reunion speech, 893 00:38:28,270 --> 00:38:29,313 -keep it tight. - NICK: Whoa! 894 00:38:29,396 --> 00:38:31,189 -( BRAKES SCREECH ) - Holy shit! 895 00:38:31,607 --> 00:38:32,941 Wassup, man? 896 00:38:33,108 --> 00:38:34,860 No, no, no, no, no. 897 00:38:35,736 --> 00:38:37,404 There's no one driving that car. 898 00:38:42,326 --> 00:38:43,619 Yeah, it's a smart car. 899 00:38:43,702 --> 00:38:46,288 - Yeah, I can see that. - No, it's a smart car. 900 00:38:46,413 --> 00:38:48,540 - It's self-driving. - What? 901 00:38:48,749 --> 00:38:49,708 That's awesome! 902 00:38:49,791 --> 00:38:51,585 Now, see, this is that future shit I'm talking about. 903 00:38:51,668 --> 00:38:52,920 How much that set you back? 904 00:38:53,170 --> 00:38:55,047 You guys are hilarious. 905 00:38:55,172 --> 00:38:57,507 I don't own it. I mean, no one does. 906 00:38:57,591 --> 00:38:58,926 You need a car, one shows up. 907 00:38:59,009 --> 00:39:00,052 Really? 908 00:39:00,135 --> 00:39:02,054 You're a wonderful car and I appreciate you. 909 00:39:02,137 --> 00:39:03,180 ( CAR BEEPS ) 910 00:39:03,430 --> 00:39:04,431 Come on. 911 00:39:04,765 --> 00:39:07,434 ( STAMMERS ) So, this car runs on feelings. 912 00:39:07,517 --> 00:39:09,561 Yeah, I guess a six-year-old would say that. 913 00:39:10,228 --> 00:39:11,396 - Oh? - NICK: Burn. 914 00:39:11,480 --> 00:39:13,398 Really? Would a six-year-old say that? 915 00:39:13,482 --> 00:39:14,650 ( CAR REVS ) 916 00:39:15,525 --> 00:39:17,819 - What the fuck was that? - Revved up on you. 917 00:39:17,903 --> 00:39:19,821 - Did he just rev up on me? - He sure did. 918 00:39:20,030 --> 00:39:22,616 Hey! What's up? You got a problem with me? 919 00:39:22,741 --> 00:39:25,285 You know what? I'll give you the first punch, huh? 920 00:39:25,369 --> 00:39:26,495 Go ahead. 921 00:39:26,578 --> 00:39:28,830 Go ahead! Hit me! 922 00:39:29,164 --> 00:39:30,207 Come on! 923 00:39:30,332 --> 00:39:31,541 You're not a good car! 924 00:39:31,625 --> 00:39:35,545 You're not smart! You're just a car! 925 00:39:36,838 --> 00:39:38,799 Okay. I don't think it actually works that way. 926 00:39:38,882 --> 00:39:40,425 Like, you can't hurt its feelings. 927 00:39:40,509 --> 00:39:41,969 You're a wonderful car and I appreciate you. 928 00:39:42,052 --> 00:39:43,637 -( BEEPS ) - Yeah, well, guess what? 929 00:39:43,720 --> 00:39:45,973 You can hurt my feelings, okay? 930 00:39:46,181 --> 00:39:47,808 - What? - I'm walking. 931 00:39:47,975 --> 00:39:49,309 ( CAR REVS ) 932 00:39:49,893 --> 00:39:52,104 - Is he always like this? - Pretty much. 933 00:39:52,229 --> 00:39:54,189 Does he have, like, emotional problems? 934 00:39:54,272 --> 00:39:55,524 He's got a real serious drug problem. 935 00:39:55,607 --> 00:39:56,817 He got shot last night. 936 00:39:56,900 --> 00:39:58,902 - He's got that runt ball. - His son hates him. 937 00:39:58,986 --> 00:40:00,320 That's fair to say, right? 938 00:40:00,404 --> 00:40:02,447 Yeah, yeah. He's a monster. 939 00:40:02,906 --> 00:40:04,574 I'd like to help him. 940 00:40:04,700 --> 00:40:06,201 ( BOTH LAUGHING ) 941 00:40:12,416 --> 00:40:15,377 Oh, hey, I'm sure you're sick of this, 942 00:40:15,836 --> 00:40:18,130 -but will you sign my Dick Pad? -( WOMAN MOANING ) 943 00:40:18,588 --> 00:40:20,716 JACOB: Oh, you put your dick in there! 944 00:40:20,799 --> 00:40:22,050 ADAM: It's a genius invention. 945 00:40:22,175 --> 00:40:23,969 I know, okay? I know. 946 00:40:24,136 --> 00:40:26,930 You put your whole mouth inside your son's jerk-off machine. 947 00:40:27,014 --> 00:40:29,433 What does your son's penis taste like? 948 00:40:29,891 --> 00:40:31,059 Goddamn you. 949 00:40:31,143 --> 00:40:32,310 Was it delicious? 950 00:40:32,602 --> 00:40:35,230 Oh, hey, a friend of mine's some sort a big shot over at Lougle. 951 00:40:35,313 --> 00:40:37,065 Brad Syed? He's coming to my wedding. 952 00:40:37,482 --> 00:40:38,483 - Brad? - Hey. 953 00:40:38,942 --> 00:40:41,945 You guys should absolutely come to my wedding. 954 00:40:42,154 --> 00:40:43,155 No. 955 00:40:43,238 --> 00:40:46,033 JACOB: Oh, man, I wish we could, but we're doing, uh... 956 00:40:46,116 --> 00:40:47,909 Motherfucker! 957 00:40:48,410 --> 00:40:50,537 Gary Winkle. 958 00:40:51,580 --> 00:40:53,165 ( ALL GASP ) 959 00:40:53,248 --> 00:40:54,583 ( FIRES ) 960 00:41:01,173 --> 00:41:03,216 Fuck him in the face. Right in the fucking face. 961 00:41:03,300 --> 00:41:05,010 It's not about money, it's about making money. 962 00:41:05,302 --> 00:41:06,553 - Oh! Look who it... -( GRUNTS ) 963 00:41:06,636 --> 00:41:08,847 - Ahh! - How are you rich, huh? 964 00:41:09,056 --> 00:41:11,099 How the fuck are you rich? 965 00:41:11,224 --> 00:41:12,809 - Oh, Lou... - You killed me! 966 00:41:12,893 --> 00:41:14,895 I'm going to kill you before you can kill me again! 967 00:41:15,062 --> 00:41:16,688 Okay. Whoa, whoa, whoa... 968 00:41:16,772 --> 00:41:21,109 That's hilarious. Why would I kill you? I love you, man. 969 00:41:21,610 --> 00:41:22,611 What? 970 00:41:22,694 --> 00:41:25,489 Okay, okay, okay. All right. I'm fine. 971 00:41:25,697 --> 00:41:26,823 You not buying that land 972 00:41:26,907 --> 00:41:28,950 was the best thing that ever happened to me. 973 00:41:29,159 --> 00:41:30,494 Because when Hurricane Beth came through 974 00:41:30,577 --> 00:41:32,788 and destroyed half the waterfront... ( EXHALES ) 975 00:41:32,871 --> 00:41:36,416 It turned this worthless piece of dirt into a goldmine. 976 00:41:36,625 --> 00:41:37,626 What? 977 00:41:37,709 --> 00:41:39,211 So you didn't murder me? 978 00:41:39,294 --> 00:41:42,714 What are you talking about? I love you, man. ( CHUCKLES ) 979 00:41:44,341 --> 00:41:45,884 So, are you boys coming up or what? 980 00:41:45,967 --> 00:41:48,512 It's not a party unless it's a Gary Winkle party. 981 00:41:48,637 --> 00:41:50,222 At Gary Winkle's. 982 00:41:50,680 --> 00:41:51,973 The Wink. 983 00:41:52,182 --> 00:41:54,392 - What are you doing? - It's a double wink. 984 00:41:54,601 --> 00:41:55,644 Ah, technically, that's more of a blink. 985 00:41:55,727 --> 00:41:57,479 - That's a blink. - You can't wink, can you? 986 00:41:57,604 --> 00:41:59,022 ( SCOFFS ) Of course I can wink. 987 00:41:59,147 --> 00:42:00,148 Prove it. 988 00:42:02,109 --> 00:42:03,110 Yeah. 989 00:42:03,568 --> 00:42:05,278 Let me do this. Hold on. 990 00:42:05,362 --> 00:42:07,489 Let me hold this open. I'll hold this open. 991 00:42:07,906 --> 00:42:09,074 Now do it. 992 00:42:09,991 --> 00:42:10,951 BOTH: See? 993 00:42:11,034 --> 00:42:12,119 Can we go to the fuckin' party now? 994 00:42:12,452 --> 00:42:14,121 ( DANCE MUSIC PLAYING ) 995 00:42:23,046 --> 00:42:24,506 Welcome to The Wink! 996 00:42:25,757 --> 00:42:27,884 Hey, jugglers, give my boys anything they want... 997 00:42:28,635 --> 00:42:30,053 From that shelf down. 998 00:42:30,178 --> 00:42:32,597 - Lou, what are we doing here? - You know. 999 00:42:32,681 --> 00:42:34,432 Winkle is not the killer. We gotta go. 1000 00:42:34,516 --> 00:42:35,892 I don't care, 'cause there's cocaine right there. 1001 00:42:35,976 --> 00:42:37,227 Didn't you see the cocaine? Look, look, look. 1002 00:42:37,310 --> 00:42:38,603 I see the cocaine. So what? 1003 00:42:38,687 --> 00:42:40,438 Well, I'm going to do that. So, first... And then... 1004 00:42:40,522 --> 00:42:43,733 Look, I'm not flickering. Am I flickering? You cannot say that I'm flickering. 1005 00:42:43,817 --> 00:42:45,110 We're on a mission to save your life. 1006 00:42:45,193 --> 00:42:46,945 You think I don't want to roll my dick around some cocaine, 1007 00:42:47,028 --> 00:42:48,155 -and get titty-slapped? - Okay. 1008 00:42:48,238 --> 00:42:50,490 Pop some bottles? Do some crazy future shit? 1009 00:42:50,574 --> 00:42:51,741 I'm trying to keep you from flickering. 1010 00:42:51,825 --> 00:42:52,993 - What the fuck are you doing? - LOU: Good talk. 1011 00:42:53,076 --> 00:42:55,704 Thank you. And popping bottles, that's old school. 1012 00:42:55,787 --> 00:42:56,955 You bringing that back? 1013 00:42:57,038 --> 00:42:58,206 - Yeah. -( CHUCKLES ) 1014 00:42:58,290 --> 00:42:59,791 I like that. I like you. 1015 00:43:00,208 --> 00:43:01,251 ( SIGHS ) 1016 00:43:01,376 --> 00:43:02,377 Uh-oh. 1017 00:43:02,460 --> 00:43:03,837 What are these? I don't care. 1018 00:43:04,546 --> 00:43:07,591 Oh. So, Nick, listen, I was so sorry to hear about you and Courtney. 1019 00:43:07,966 --> 00:43:10,177 - What do you mean? - Ah. 1020 00:43:10,385 --> 00:43:12,554 Gotcha. Forget I even brought it up. 1021 00:43:12,721 --> 00:43:14,264 No, no, no, really, what do you mean? 1022 00:43:14,389 --> 00:43:16,266 I hear you loud and clear, man. 1023 00:43:16,975 --> 00:43:18,643 I don't think you hear me at all. 1024 00:43:18,727 --> 00:43:20,061 Hey, Sophie! 1025 00:43:20,145 --> 00:43:21,730 There you are. 1026 00:43:25,692 --> 00:43:27,235 I have a surprise for you. 1027 00:43:27,402 --> 00:43:28,570 Oh. Uh... 1028 00:43:28,820 --> 00:43:31,072 Sophie has a surprise for me. 1029 00:43:31,573 --> 00:43:32,699 Bye, dude! 1030 00:43:34,492 --> 00:43:36,995 I'll take a room-temperature almond milk, please. 1031 00:43:37,078 --> 00:43:40,040 No, actually, I'll get a tangerine margarita. 1032 00:43:40,290 --> 00:43:41,583 No. Scratch that. 1033 00:43:41,666 --> 00:43:45,629 I'll take just an apricot sliced into fours. And a kiwi. 1034 00:43:45,712 --> 00:43:48,423 Do you have kiwi? I'll take a kiwi, sliced up. 1035 00:43:48,506 --> 00:43:50,091 A banana thrown in there. 1036 00:43:50,175 --> 00:43:51,801 You know what? Dealer's choice. 1037 00:43:51,885 --> 00:43:53,136 Just a fruit salad. 1038 00:43:57,349 --> 00:43:58,934 Should we go somewhere more private? 1039 00:43:59,017 --> 00:44:00,352 ( LAUGHS ) 1040 00:44:00,435 --> 00:44:02,520 Jacob Dorchen wants privacy. 1041 00:44:02,729 --> 00:44:04,105 That's so 2018. 1042 00:44:04,189 --> 00:44:05,190 Right, right. 1043 00:44:05,690 --> 00:44:07,484 No. Get that out of here. 1044 00:44:08,109 --> 00:44:10,528 I mean, I wouldn't mind a little something. 1045 00:44:10,612 --> 00:44:12,447 Remember, we agreed? 1046 00:44:13,615 --> 00:44:14,866 Look at your dad. 1047 00:44:14,950 --> 00:44:17,410 You're not going down that road anymore. 1048 00:44:20,830 --> 00:44:23,166 Oh, God, I'm so good at that! 1049 00:44:23,458 --> 00:44:24,668 ( GRUNTS ) Yes! 1050 00:44:24,751 --> 00:44:26,795 ( VOCALIZING ) It's Satan. 1051 00:44:26,878 --> 00:44:28,338 Like, I'll finger your dog, I don't care. 1052 00:44:28,421 --> 00:44:30,048 As a joke! As a joke! 1053 00:44:30,257 --> 00:44:31,424 I have some advice for you. 1054 00:44:31,508 --> 00:44:33,802 If you don't want to be considered a sex offender, 1055 00:44:33,885 --> 00:44:36,221 don't take a shit in a sandbox 1056 00:44:36,304 --> 00:44:38,139 that happens to be in a playground. 1057 00:44:38,223 --> 00:44:40,392 Okay? Don't do it. 'Cause guess what? 1058 00:44:40,475 --> 00:44:43,311 You have two things, a record and a fucking nickname. 1059 00:44:43,478 --> 00:44:46,523 I know it's a potentially risky move... Wedding sorbet! 1060 00:44:46,606 --> 00:44:48,316 - Mmm. - As a palate cleanser, of course. 1061 00:44:48,400 --> 00:44:49,442 I mean, I'm not insane. 1062 00:44:49,859 --> 00:44:51,945 Oh, my God! Fuckin' A! You're Nick Webber, man! 1063 00:44:52,028 --> 00:44:54,406 Let's take a picture! I can't believe it's you, man. 1064 00:44:54,489 --> 00:44:55,490 I'm gonna send this to everyone. 1065 00:44:55,573 --> 00:44:57,575 - I'm gonna get, like, a billion views! - NICK: Okay. 1066 00:44:57,659 --> 00:45:00,161 I remember when I first heard that stupid song. I was like, 1067 00:45:00,245 --> 00:45:02,664 "Man, that song is so dumb." 1068 00:45:03,290 --> 00:45:04,416 Do the Strut. 1069 00:45:04,541 --> 00:45:05,750 - Do the Strut. - No, I'm good. 1070 00:45:05,834 --> 00:45:06,960 You won't do the fucking song? 1071 00:45:07,127 --> 00:45:09,004 - You want to see the Strut? - Whoa, whoa, whoa... 1072 00:45:09,087 --> 00:45:11,339 DJ: ( LAUGHS ) Hey, yo! Check this out! 1073 00:45:11,423 --> 00:45:13,925 Nick Webber's in the house, so get ready for the original 1074 00:45:14,009 --> 00:45:16,136 - Webber Strut! -( ALL CHEERING ) 1075 00:45:19,931 --> 00:45:21,683 Before that, let's back it up. 1076 00:45:21,766 --> 00:45:24,102 Six years ago, see where it all began. 1077 00:45:24,644 --> 00:45:27,522 I made a lot of mistakes. I've taken advantage. 1078 00:45:27,814 --> 00:45:30,275 And now I'm ready to be original. 1079 00:45:30,525 --> 00:45:33,069 This is dedicated to those who never got to be, 1080 00:45:33,153 --> 00:45:34,487 because of me. 1081 00:45:36,823 --> 00:45:39,117 Strut to the time of the clock 1082 00:45:39,367 --> 00:45:42,746 It's midnight Everybody strut right now 1083 00:45:43,038 --> 00:45:44,789 Nick Webber Nick Webber 1084 00:45:44,873 --> 00:45:46,666 You don't know but you think you know 1085 00:45:46,833 --> 00:45:48,835 Nick Webber Nick Webber 1086 00:45:49,210 --> 00:45:50,462 You don't know, but you will 1087 00:45:50,587 --> 00:45:52,339 Everybody do the Strut, strut, strut 1088 00:45:52,505 --> 00:45:54,549 Everybody do the Strut, strut, strut 1089 00:45:54,799 --> 00:45:56,801 Everybody do the Strut, strut, strut 1090 00:45:56,885 --> 00:45:58,887 Everybody do the Strut, strut, strut 1091 00:45:59,012 --> 00:46:00,221 Everybody do the 1092 00:46:00,305 --> 00:46:01,723 ( CROWD LAUGHING AND APPLAUDING ) 1093 00:46:06,186 --> 00:46:09,022 ( GASPS ) Oh. 1094 00:46:09,898 --> 00:46:13,526 Oh, this room is so much better than the other room. 1095 00:46:17,030 --> 00:46:18,031 What? 1096 00:46:21,701 --> 00:46:22,702 No! 1097 00:46:23,536 --> 00:46:25,872 Look at him go. Chip off the old block. 1098 00:46:26,039 --> 00:46:27,457 ( LAUGHS ) 1099 00:46:27,540 --> 00:46:28,666 Okay, be nice. 1100 00:46:28,750 --> 00:46:32,295 Be nice. Be nice. Be nice. Be nice. Be nice. Be nice. 1101 00:46:32,379 --> 00:46:34,381 Hmm. Son! 1102 00:46:34,839 --> 00:46:37,926 Hey! What a coincidence! 1103 00:46:38,218 --> 00:46:41,221 Wondering where you ran off to, but here you are. 1104 00:46:41,471 --> 00:46:42,555 Who let you in here? 1105 00:46:42,639 --> 00:46:44,099 Would you go find your murderer? 1106 00:46:44,182 --> 00:46:48,061 Think your old man can get in on a little of this action? Or... 1107 00:46:48,144 --> 00:46:49,729 This is... This is a private party. 1108 00:46:49,854 --> 00:46:51,147 This one's mine. 1109 00:46:51,815 --> 00:46:53,316 What? Yes! See? 1110 00:46:53,483 --> 00:46:54,484 Ha! Still got it! 1111 00:46:54,901 --> 00:46:56,861 What are the, uh, house rules here? 1112 00:46:56,945 --> 00:46:57,987 I just want to know what to do. 1113 00:46:58,071 --> 00:47:01,825 I don't want to break any rules, get chucked out right away, you know? 1114 00:47:01,908 --> 00:47:04,160 - That'd be fucked up. - Touch me, you filthy vagrant. 1115 00:47:05,286 --> 00:47:06,704 ( EXHALES DEEPLY ) 1116 00:47:09,040 --> 00:47:10,667 JACOB: ( LAUGHS ) Oh! Wait, what was that? 1117 00:47:10,750 --> 00:47:12,419 Nothing. It wasn't anything. 1118 00:47:12,502 --> 00:47:13,503 You just flickered. 1119 00:47:13,586 --> 00:47:14,921 No, I'd flickered? No, I didn't. 1120 00:47:15,004 --> 00:47:16,005 How did you do that? 1121 00:47:16,089 --> 00:47:17,507 He's threatening his own existence. 1122 00:47:17,590 --> 00:47:20,802 Lou, you can't be here, 'cause you're jeopardizing your future. 1123 00:47:20,885 --> 00:47:22,679 Would you mind your own fucking beeswax? 1124 00:47:22,762 --> 00:47:24,347 Whatever. I'm over this. 1125 00:47:24,431 --> 00:47:26,850 No! No! 1126 00:47:26,933 --> 00:47:28,935 No, no! 1127 00:47:29,102 --> 00:47:30,520 ( GROANS ) 1128 00:47:31,271 --> 00:47:34,858 Long story short, the caterer did talk us into the Chateaubriand, 1129 00:47:34,941 --> 00:47:37,360 which, you know, I'll admit, is a sexy side of beef. 1130 00:47:37,444 --> 00:47:38,403 Sounds like it. 1131 00:47:38,486 --> 00:47:40,196 And I think you know where I'm going with this. 1132 00:47:40,280 --> 00:47:41,239 You thought wrong. 1133 00:47:41,322 --> 00:47:44,200 Horseradish station. That's right. We're gonna have the white and the reds, 1134 00:47:44,284 --> 00:47:46,661 separate service, different intensity. 1135 00:47:46,744 --> 00:47:48,288 It's gonna be great... 1136 00:47:48,538 --> 00:47:49,789 Wait a second. Nick? 1137 00:47:50,123 --> 00:47:52,375 - You should play our wedding. -( SCOFFS ) 1138 00:47:52,459 --> 00:47:54,794 People would love to see the Strut in person. 1139 00:47:54,878 --> 00:47:56,087 I'm sure they would. 1140 00:47:56,171 --> 00:47:58,006 Hey, what do you guys want from the party tray? 1141 00:47:58,089 --> 00:47:59,215 Me? Oh, uh... 1142 00:47:59,299 --> 00:48:01,634 I don't know. I'm getting married tomorrow, 1143 00:48:01,718 --> 00:48:03,470 so I'm really trying to take it easy. 1144 00:48:03,595 --> 00:48:05,054 Yeah, you're getting married for the rest of your life, 1145 00:48:05,138 --> 00:48:07,682 so why have any fun tonight at all? 1146 00:48:09,142 --> 00:48:10,518 - Oh! - Yeah. 1147 00:48:10,602 --> 00:48:12,187 - Uncle Lou is right. - Don't call me that. 1148 00:48:12,270 --> 00:48:14,063 Give me the craziest thing you got. 1149 00:48:14,147 --> 00:48:16,900 Someone sounds like he wants the Electric Ladybug. 1150 00:48:16,983 --> 00:48:18,026 Ooh, the Electric... 1151 00:48:18,109 --> 00:48:19,235 - Oh. - GARY: Stick it right there. 1152 00:48:19,319 --> 00:48:21,321 What... I'm sorry, what exactly is that? 1153 00:48:21,404 --> 00:48:22,405 ( WOMAN SHUSHES ) 1154 00:48:22,489 --> 00:48:24,282 Don't take it off for 24 hours. 1155 00:48:24,365 --> 00:48:26,910 Why can't I take it off for 24 hours? 1156 00:48:27,285 --> 00:48:29,162 ( BOTH LAUGHING ) 1157 00:48:29,329 --> 00:48:30,663 ( LAUGHS NERVOUSLY ) 1158 00:48:30,747 --> 00:48:32,499 Yeah. What's so funny? 1159 00:48:32,582 --> 00:48:34,876 Relax. Relax. It's just like baby aspirin. 1160 00:48:35,001 --> 00:48:38,254 Except more of a super-high intensity psychotropic drug trip. 1161 00:48:39,088 --> 00:48:41,007 ( CHUCKLING ) 1162 00:48:43,134 --> 00:48:44,552 ( BELL TOLLING ) 1163 00:48:44,636 --> 00:48:46,095 I promise you, 1164 00:48:47,514 --> 00:48:49,057 you're not gonna like this. 1165 00:48:52,685 --> 00:48:53,686 ( IN DISTORTED VOICE ) Bye-bye. 1166 00:48:54,687 --> 00:48:56,022 ( TOLLING CONTINUES ) 1167 00:48:57,023 --> 00:48:58,358 Horseradish. 1168 00:48:58,525 --> 00:49:00,443 ( CLUB MUSIC PLAYING ) 1169 00:49:09,077 --> 00:49:10,370 ( LAUGHS ) 1170 00:49:12,705 --> 00:49:14,666 ( INSTRUMENTAL PIANO MUSIC PLAYING ) 1171 00:49:15,250 --> 00:49:16,960 -( PHONE BEEPING ) - Hello. 1172 00:49:17,043 --> 00:49:18,795 I'm a god! 1173 00:49:18,878 --> 00:49:21,089 I'm a fucking god! 1174 00:49:21,589 --> 00:49:22,757 Whoo! 1175 00:49:43,361 --> 00:49:44,737 Oh! 1176 00:49:48,074 --> 00:49:49,409 ( LAUGHING ) 1177 00:49:51,619 --> 00:49:53,246 ( SCREAMING ) 1178 00:50:19,480 --> 00:50:20,481 Shit. 1179 00:50:21,107 --> 00:50:24,235 Not in the dumpster. I owe you 50 bucks. 1180 00:50:24,485 --> 00:50:26,154 ADAM: Hey, lick my pussy. 1181 00:50:28,364 --> 00:50:30,783 Just kidding, guys. I'm up here. What's up? 1182 00:50:30,950 --> 00:50:32,035 JACOB: What are you doing up there? 1183 00:50:32,118 --> 00:50:34,454 Why are you down there, stupid fuck? 1184 00:50:34,662 --> 00:50:36,456 You guys, last night, 1185 00:50:36,748 --> 00:50:38,124 my eyes 1186 00:50:39,292 --> 00:50:41,044 -opened. - Okay. 1187 00:50:41,336 --> 00:50:43,212 I'm telling you, you guys, you got to get up here. 1188 00:50:43,630 --> 00:50:45,965 I mean, the way the sun is just dancing off these leaves... 1189 00:50:46,090 --> 00:50:47,091 Mr. Webber. 1190 00:50:47,175 --> 00:50:48,718 Hi. I'm from Choozy Doozy. 1191 00:50:48,801 --> 00:50:50,053 I'm here to take you to the show. 1192 00:50:50,261 --> 00:50:51,262 Show? 1193 00:50:51,471 --> 00:50:52,513 -( CHUCKLES ) - Yeah. 1194 00:50:52,597 --> 00:50:53,765 NICK: How about that? 1195 00:50:53,973 --> 00:50:57,977 Nick Webber has a show in 2025. Still got it! 1196 00:50:58,269 --> 00:51:01,147 Right, but, I mean, we can't go because we have to solve his murder. 1197 00:51:01,272 --> 00:51:03,816 Come on! Look. Hey, not flickering. 1198 00:51:03,900 --> 00:51:05,652 Maybe it's a lead. It's a fun lead. 1199 00:51:05,735 --> 00:51:07,528 JACOB: Until somebody goes back in time and kills you. 1200 00:51:07,820 --> 00:51:08,863 I can't miss my gig. 1201 00:51:08,946 --> 00:51:12,158 Okay, Choozy Doozy is my favorite show. 1202 00:51:12,241 --> 00:51:13,409 Wait, how did you find us? 1203 00:51:13,493 --> 00:51:14,827 I just go where the cars take me. 1204 00:51:15,161 --> 00:51:16,329 ADAM: Okay, I'm coming down. 1205 00:51:16,412 --> 00:51:18,373 Do you think I can make that dumpster, guys? 1206 00:51:18,456 --> 00:51:19,832 - No. - No. 1207 00:51:19,916 --> 00:51:21,125 Yeah, I think I can probably make it. 1208 00:51:21,209 --> 00:51:22,919 Yes, yes, yes, yes! Come on! 1209 00:51:23,002 --> 00:51:24,253 Yeah, I think so, too, Lou. Thanks. 1210 00:51:24,337 --> 00:51:25,380 - Adam, stay right there. - Stop. Adam! 1211 00:51:25,463 --> 00:51:26,839 - Come on! - NICK: Baby Adam 1212 00:51:26,923 --> 00:51:27,924 ( SHUSHES ) You can! 1213 00:51:28,007 --> 00:51:29,133 Stop, Lou! 1214 00:51:29,217 --> 00:51:30,510 Here I go. I'm gonna jump. 1215 00:51:30,760 --> 00:51:31,761 ( ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ) 1216 00:51:32,053 --> 00:51:33,096 Whoo! 1217 00:51:33,179 --> 00:51:34,180 LOU: Holy fuck... 1218 00:51:34,597 --> 00:51:35,723 Got you! 1219 00:51:37,392 --> 00:51:38,643 JACOB: That was fucking awesome! 1220 00:51:38,726 --> 00:51:40,853 - Oh, my God! - How did you even do that? 1221 00:51:41,354 --> 00:51:42,522 I'm strong as fuck. 1222 00:51:44,607 --> 00:51:45,775 MALE ANNOUNCER: Get ready for mischief, mayhem, 1223 00:51:45,858 --> 00:51:47,777 plenty of truths and more than one dare! 1224 00:51:47,860 --> 00:51:51,781 This is Celebrity Choozy Doozy! 1225 00:51:51,864 --> 00:51:52,865 Now, please welcome back 1226 00:51:52,949 --> 00:51:55,451 the host of the show, Britt McShasaucey! 1227 00:51:55,535 --> 00:51:56,786 ( AUDIENCE CHEERING ) 1228 00:52:00,915 --> 00:52:02,834 Thank you very much for that, Gill! 1229 00:52:03,376 --> 00:52:06,754 Welcome to our show! We got a very, very exciting 1230 00:52:06,921 --> 00:52:08,506 show planned for you tonight. 1231 00:52:08,715 --> 00:52:12,927 Please help me welcome back to the stage, musical sensation, 1232 00:52:13,219 --> 00:52:15,596 - Nick Webber! -( AUDIENCE CHEERING ) 1233 00:52:21,686 --> 00:52:22,979 ( PHONE BEEPING ) 1234 00:52:23,062 --> 00:52:24,147 Hello? 1235 00:52:24,230 --> 00:52:28,067 ( SOFTLY ) Hey, honey, guess where I am. Just guess. 1236 00:52:28,693 --> 00:52:30,737 Okay, shut up. I'm at Choozy Doozy. 1237 00:52:30,820 --> 00:52:32,113 Where have you been? 1238 00:52:32,196 --> 00:52:33,990 I tried to call you, like, a hundred times. 1239 00:52:34,073 --> 00:52:36,659 What was with that crazy phone call last night? 1240 00:52:36,743 --> 00:52:38,578 Crazy call? What do you mean? 1241 00:52:38,661 --> 00:52:42,081 You don't remember calling me and telling me that you were a god? 1242 00:52:42,582 --> 00:52:44,667 No. Does that sound like me? 1243 00:52:45,084 --> 00:52:47,754 Listen, I had the most amazing night. 1244 00:52:47,837 --> 00:52:49,630 I did everything. 1245 00:52:49,714 --> 00:52:52,425 ( STUTTERS ) I punched a man in the face. 1246 00:52:52,508 --> 00:52:54,051 Just walked up to him. ( CLICKS TONGUE ) 1247 00:52:54,135 --> 00:52:56,220 Just punched him with my fist. 1248 00:52:56,304 --> 00:52:59,682 I felt like an ape. Like an ape. 1249 00:53:00,099 --> 00:53:03,186 I did Eskimo kisses with this beautiful woman. 1250 00:53:03,269 --> 00:53:04,687 What are you talking about? 1251 00:53:04,771 --> 00:53:06,063 Honey, have you ever felt 1252 00:53:06,147 --> 00:53:11,235 that everything that you've experienced and said up to this point is just a fraud? 1253 00:53:11,319 --> 00:53:12,695 Excuse me? 1254 00:53:12,779 --> 00:53:14,614 No. Okay, "fraud" is too strong a word. 1255 00:53:14,697 --> 00:53:17,950 It's more like a lie. 1256 00:53:19,243 --> 00:53:21,829 "Lie" is actually... It's not right, either. 1257 00:53:21,913 --> 00:53:23,706 It's kind of a hard concept to... 1258 00:53:24,624 --> 00:53:26,125 Okay, bye, honey. 1259 00:53:27,543 --> 00:53:29,796 All right, that went well. That went really well. 1260 00:53:30,129 --> 00:53:33,090 Our studio audience will have the opportunity 1261 00:53:33,174 --> 00:53:36,427 to challenge you to specific tasks. 1262 00:53:36,511 --> 00:53:39,430 The best idea shall prevail. 1263 00:53:39,514 --> 00:53:41,474 Because this is... 1264 00:53:41,557 --> 00:53:44,769 ALL: Celebrity Choozy Doozy! 1265 00:53:45,311 --> 00:53:46,646 What is that, exactly? 1266 00:53:46,729 --> 00:53:48,231 Let me hear some ideas from the audience. 1267 00:53:48,314 --> 00:53:51,150 - Come on! We want some new ideas! - WOMAN: Eat a bunch of waffles! 1268 00:53:51,234 --> 00:53:53,236 Eat a bunch of waffles. Very, very nice choice. 1269 00:53:53,319 --> 00:53:54,320 MAN 1: Juggle knives! 1270 00:53:54,654 --> 00:53:55,988 Ooh! Very scary! 1271 00:53:56,072 --> 00:53:57,824 He could lose an arm! That happened last week. 1272 00:53:57,990 --> 00:53:59,283 MAN 2: Swallow a watch! 1273 00:54:00,076 --> 00:54:01,452 Can you swallow a watch, Nick? 1274 00:54:01,786 --> 00:54:02,787 I hope not. 1275 00:54:03,162 --> 00:54:04,747 Fuck a dude! 1276 00:54:04,831 --> 00:54:05,915 - Whoa! -( AUDIENCE CHEERING ) 1277 00:54:05,998 --> 00:54:07,041 Okay! 1278 00:54:08,626 --> 00:54:11,838 Say some more stuff! Say something else! 1279 00:54:12,338 --> 00:54:13,422 BRITT: Now, remember, folks, 1280 00:54:13,506 --> 00:54:16,342 when you see something you like, you make your selection, 1281 00:54:16,551 --> 00:54:18,845 -and it'll show up here on the board. -( DEVICE BEEPING ) 1282 00:54:19,303 --> 00:54:20,972 Uh, I don't want to fuck a dude. 1283 00:54:21,055 --> 00:54:22,181 Ah, you're adorable. 1284 00:54:25,059 --> 00:54:26,519 This is the best day of my life. 1285 00:54:26,602 --> 00:54:28,229 What the fuck's wrong with everybody? 1286 00:54:28,771 --> 00:54:32,441 Waffles, waffles. It's a neck-and-neck with... 1287 00:54:33,568 --> 00:54:35,486 Oh! Oh, well... 1288 00:54:35,611 --> 00:54:38,406 ( EXCLAIMS ) Look at that. 1289 00:54:38,489 --> 00:54:39,657 Oh, hell, no! 1290 00:54:39,740 --> 00:54:41,242 BRITT: You just got very lucky, my friend, 1291 00:54:41,325 --> 00:54:42,827 because you were almost 1292 00:54:42,910 --> 00:54:45,121 about to have to eat a whole bunch of waffles! 1293 00:54:45,204 --> 00:54:47,373 I'm willing to do that. I'm willing... I'll eat the waffles. 1294 00:54:47,456 --> 00:54:48,541 Okay, now... 1295 00:54:49,166 --> 00:54:53,212 Who had the idea of this man fornicating with a gentleman? 1296 00:54:53,296 --> 00:54:55,214 Over here! This guy! 1297 00:54:55,673 --> 00:54:56,757 What's your name, sir? 1298 00:54:57,216 --> 00:54:58,259 Lou Dorchen. 1299 00:54:58,342 --> 00:55:01,220 Well, Lou, as you know, with Choozy Doozy... 1300 00:55:01,304 --> 00:55:04,473 ALL: You choose it, you dooze it! 1301 00:55:04,557 --> 00:55:06,726 You choose it, you dooze it. 1302 00:55:12,315 --> 00:55:13,900 I'm sorry. I dooze what now? 1303 00:55:13,983 --> 00:55:15,192 Oh, shit! 1304 00:55:15,276 --> 00:55:17,069 - Come on up here, Lou! - LOU: This is crazy! 1305 00:55:17,153 --> 00:55:19,071 Stop smiling! 1306 00:55:19,238 --> 00:55:20,907 ( CHEERING ) 1307 00:55:21,699 --> 00:55:25,119 And, we're back with the Celebrity Choozy Doozy challenge round. 1308 00:55:25,494 --> 00:55:28,789 We have Nick Webber along with his pal, Lou Dorchen! 1309 00:55:29,248 --> 00:55:31,042 What exactly is this? 1310 00:55:31,125 --> 00:55:33,419 It's the number one show on TV. 1311 00:55:33,669 --> 00:55:35,838 Okay, load 'em up! 1312 00:55:40,134 --> 00:55:42,094 What the fuck? 1313 00:55:42,428 --> 00:55:43,763 I don't think this is real. 1314 00:55:43,930 --> 00:55:45,556 ( ALL LAUGHING ) 1315 00:55:46,724 --> 00:55:48,935 Yeah. It's like Lawnmower Man. 1316 00:55:49,143 --> 00:55:51,020 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. 1317 00:55:51,103 --> 00:55:52,229 Just like Lawnmower Man, 1318 00:55:52,313 --> 00:55:53,606 except, you know, we're supposed to fuck. 1319 00:55:53,689 --> 00:55:56,317 Yeah, well, that's not going to happen. 1320 00:55:56,609 --> 00:55:57,693 ( AUDIENCE BOOING ) 1321 00:55:57,777 --> 00:55:58,986 Bring me the thing! 1322 00:55:59,070 --> 00:56:00,112 Well... 1323 00:56:00,529 --> 00:56:02,740 I'm glad we're on the same page. 1324 00:56:03,449 --> 00:56:04,492 ( ELECTRICITY BUZZING ) 1325 00:56:04,575 --> 00:56:05,826 What's going on? Lou! 1326 00:56:07,036 --> 00:56:08,037 Oh... 1327 00:56:09,830 --> 00:56:10,998 ( GASPING ) 1328 00:56:11,082 --> 00:56:12,083 -( BUZZING ) -( GROANS ) 1329 00:56:15,461 --> 00:56:16,837 Motherfucker! 1330 00:56:17,046 --> 00:56:18,214 This is getting a little dark. 1331 00:56:18,297 --> 00:56:19,799 Dark? What do you mean? 1332 00:56:19,882 --> 00:56:21,425 Okay, if this is the most popular show, 1333 00:56:21,509 --> 00:56:22,718 give me some of the other shows? 1334 00:56:22,802 --> 00:56:24,595 Yeah, of course. There's Toddler In The Wild, 1335 00:56:24,679 --> 00:56:25,846 there's Mommy, I'm Drowning, 1336 00:56:25,930 --> 00:56:27,264 there's Daddy, Where Are You Going? 1337 00:56:27,348 --> 00:56:29,850 There's, um, Building Explosion. 1338 00:56:30,434 --> 00:56:31,978 - Building Explosion? - Yeah, Building Explosion. 1339 00:56:32,061 --> 00:56:34,230 It just shows big buildings falling down, and... 1340 00:56:34,313 --> 00:56:36,816 Kids, like, trapped in the basement, and the building falls, 1341 00:56:36,899 --> 00:56:38,484 and they're like, "Ma, get me out of here." 1342 00:56:38,567 --> 00:56:40,861 And it shows them how to get out in an emergency, 1343 00:56:40,945 --> 00:56:43,155 but also tells them when to give up. 1344 00:56:43,656 --> 00:56:44,657 Ah! 1345 00:56:44,782 --> 00:56:46,659 Bing bong! What's the delay? 1346 00:56:46,951 --> 00:56:48,661 ( GROANS ) Hey. 1347 00:56:48,911 --> 00:56:52,581 Hey. There's something trying to kill us here. 1348 00:56:53,416 --> 00:56:56,252 That's 10,000 volts of electricity coursing through the suits 1349 00:56:56,335 --> 00:56:58,671 that you're wearing back here in the studio! 1350 00:56:59,088 --> 00:57:01,674 Every week, it's the same goddamn thing. 1351 00:57:02,174 --> 00:57:04,510 It's guy on guy, girl on girl. 1352 00:57:04,969 --> 00:57:07,221 Sometimes it's even guy on girl. 1353 00:57:07,513 --> 00:57:08,514 ( ALL LAUGHING ) 1354 00:57:08,681 --> 00:57:09,890 What is the big deal 1355 00:57:09,974 --> 00:57:11,642 with the two of you boys sleeping together? 1356 00:57:11,726 --> 00:57:14,520 You're acting like it's 2010, for Christ's sakes. 1357 00:57:15,146 --> 00:57:18,858 Now, we got a show to do, boys! So start fucking! 1358 00:57:19,150 --> 00:57:20,609 Dude, is there, like, a stage manager around? 1359 00:57:20,693 --> 00:57:21,944 I mean, they're gonna kill these guys. 1360 00:57:22,028 --> 00:57:23,487 Hey, I'm sorry. Look. 1361 00:57:23,571 --> 00:57:26,115 If you're gonna sit next to me, I need to know right now, 1362 00:57:26,198 --> 00:57:28,367 do you have a problem with this show? 1363 00:57:28,451 --> 00:57:30,286 Well, yeah, clearly I have a problem with this show. 1364 00:57:30,369 --> 00:57:31,704 I mean, look, this is grotesque. 1365 00:57:31,787 --> 00:57:33,748 Jacob. This is a great show. 1366 00:57:33,831 --> 00:57:35,291 This is the number one show in the nation. 1367 00:57:35,374 --> 00:57:37,376 This is a show that families enjoy. 1368 00:57:37,460 --> 00:57:39,170 - Okay? - This is a family show? 1369 00:57:39,253 --> 00:57:41,172 - Absolutely. - Like, it's on at, like, 8:00? 1370 00:57:41,255 --> 00:57:44,216 It's on at 7:00 on Sunday nights against Butthole Nation. 1371 00:57:44,300 --> 00:57:45,885 And it always wins. 1372 00:57:46,469 --> 00:57:47,720 ( SIGHS ) 1373 00:57:52,475 --> 00:57:54,143 Classic Lou. 1374 00:57:55,478 --> 00:57:57,063 ( AUDIENCE LAUGHING ) 1375 00:57:59,065 --> 00:58:00,191 Okay. 1376 00:58:01,567 --> 00:58:02,568 ( SIGHS ) 1377 00:58:04,737 --> 00:58:06,572 Okay. ( GRUNTS ) 1378 00:58:07,573 --> 00:58:08,824 I'm sorry, Lou. 1379 00:58:08,908 --> 00:58:11,494 I know you are, buddy! I know! 1380 00:58:11,994 --> 00:58:13,287 I know. I love you, man! 1381 00:58:13,370 --> 00:58:14,538 Don't say that! 1382 00:58:14,622 --> 00:58:16,582 I don't wanna have an emotional connection to this moment! 1383 00:58:16,707 --> 00:58:19,460 What... Oh, God forbid a couple of friends 1384 00:58:19,543 --> 00:58:21,545 can't express their brotherly love for each other! 1385 00:58:21,629 --> 00:58:22,630 I love you. 1386 00:58:22,713 --> 00:58:24,131 I told you to stop saying that! 1387 00:58:24,215 --> 00:58:26,342 I'm so sorry! 1388 00:58:26,967 --> 00:58:28,844 JACOB: So there are no more sex taboos? 1389 00:58:29,011 --> 00:58:30,346 Well, I guess bestiality. 1390 00:58:30,429 --> 00:58:33,224 But only from a community property perspective. 1391 00:58:33,766 --> 00:58:35,226 What do you... What do you mean? 1392 00:58:35,768 --> 00:58:37,686 Oh, you don't remember Llama v. Ferguson? 1393 00:58:37,770 --> 00:58:39,021 Guy tries to divorce a llama, 1394 00:58:39,105 --> 00:58:42,024 and the land is in dispute because the llama needs to graze? 1395 00:58:43,317 --> 00:58:45,444 But people still eat animals, right? 1396 00:58:45,528 --> 00:58:48,614 Oh, yeah, absolutely. And animals eat people, it's all the same. 1397 00:58:50,449 --> 00:58:53,536 You got a tuft of hair coming out your crack. 1398 00:58:53,619 --> 00:58:55,204 Don't fuckin' worry about it, okay? 1399 00:58:55,287 --> 00:58:57,331 I'll get your grooming tips later. 1400 00:58:57,414 --> 00:58:58,499 - Are you ready? - Yeah. 1401 00:58:58,582 --> 00:58:59,750 Okay. I love you. 1402 00:59:00,793 --> 00:59:04,213 All right! Put it in slow! 1403 00:59:04,296 --> 00:59:05,965 Really slow! 1404 00:59:06,465 --> 00:59:07,591 One... 1405 00:59:08,300 --> 00:59:09,552 Two... 1406 00:59:09,635 --> 00:59:11,262 - Take that dick. - What the fuck? 1407 00:59:11,345 --> 00:59:12,638 Come on! It's just something I say. 1408 00:59:12,721 --> 00:59:13,931 "Take that dick"? 1409 00:59:14,974 --> 00:59:16,976 Wait, hold on! Stop, stop, stop! 1410 00:59:20,980 --> 00:59:22,231 Oh! 1411 00:59:22,314 --> 00:59:24,608 Looks like somebody chose a lifeline! 1412 00:59:24,817 --> 00:59:26,360 Me! Me! I did it! I chose it! 1413 00:59:26,443 --> 00:59:28,445 Who will the lucky winner be? 1414 00:59:28,654 --> 00:59:29,864 What happens? Do we get waffles? 1415 00:59:29,989 --> 00:59:31,282 - What happened? - It's a lifeline, 1416 00:59:31,407 --> 00:59:33,033 so the chooser picks a new doozer. 1417 00:59:33,117 --> 00:59:34,869 You gotta choose someone, Lou. 1418 00:59:34,952 --> 00:59:36,537 NICK: Choose waffles. 1419 00:59:36,620 --> 00:59:37,580 ( GASPS ) Oh. 1420 00:59:37,830 --> 00:59:38,914 Okay, I get it. I get it. 1421 00:59:38,998 --> 00:59:40,583 All right. All right. Uh... ( CHUCKLES ) 1422 00:59:40,666 --> 00:59:44,170 Yeah, I know just the guy. He loves this show. 1423 00:59:46,881 --> 00:59:47,882 Oh! 1424 00:59:48,174 --> 00:59:49,550 Oh, no, no, no. I'm... 1425 00:59:49,633 --> 00:59:52,303 I'm actually getting married tonight, so I can't. 1426 00:59:53,512 --> 00:59:55,097 It's actually an issue of fidelity. 1427 00:59:55,306 --> 00:59:56,557 I cannot do this. 1428 00:59:56,640 --> 00:59:58,017 You're a monster, Lou. 1429 01:00:04,315 --> 01:00:05,316 What's up? 1430 01:00:05,649 --> 01:00:07,151 NICK: Get ready, 'cause here it comes. 1431 01:00:07,234 --> 01:00:08,277 Here what comes? 1432 01:00:08,360 --> 01:00:10,029 ( ADAM SCREAMING ) 1433 01:00:12,364 --> 01:00:13,365 That's my butt! 1434 01:00:14,074 --> 01:00:15,409 ( LAUGHING ) 1435 01:00:15,492 --> 01:00:18,495 Wow! That was good TV. 1436 01:00:20,706 --> 01:00:22,416 You know what, Adam, I thought about it. 1437 01:00:22,499 --> 01:00:24,752 You can call me Uncle Lou now. 1438 01:00:24,835 --> 01:00:27,171 Holy shit! Did you see that? 1439 01:00:27,504 --> 01:00:29,173 You're a fucking lunatic! 1440 01:00:29,256 --> 01:00:31,258 - Was that the same car? - Couldn't be. 1441 01:00:31,342 --> 01:00:32,843 That car tried to run me down on purpose. 1442 01:00:32,927 --> 01:00:34,136 Did you see that? 1443 01:00:34,386 --> 01:00:35,471 ( GASPS ) 1444 01:00:35,721 --> 01:00:37,348 What if that car's my murderer? 1445 01:00:37,473 --> 01:00:39,266 You were shot in the dick in the past, remember? 1446 01:00:39,350 --> 01:00:41,310 Oh, like that would be the craziest fucking thing 1447 01:00:41,393 --> 01:00:43,312 that's ever happened to us. That car's an asshole. 1448 01:00:43,395 --> 01:00:46,023 The car's not an asshole. You're an asshole. 1449 01:00:46,690 --> 01:00:48,651 Whoa. Where'd that come from? 1450 01:00:48,734 --> 01:00:52,112 Everything is all about Lou. No regard for anybody else. 1451 01:00:52,196 --> 01:00:54,531 I'm pretty sure that's never been the case at all, ever. 1452 01:00:54,615 --> 01:00:56,825 Because of you, Adam just got raped. 1453 01:00:57,159 --> 01:00:58,494 Are we calling it a rape? 1454 01:00:58,577 --> 01:01:00,037 Whoa! Nobody got raped. 1455 01:01:00,204 --> 01:01:01,622 It felt like kind of a gray area. 1456 01:01:01,747 --> 01:01:03,332 You're a fucking virus, Lou. 1457 01:01:03,540 --> 01:01:05,000 You find a vulnerable host, 1458 01:01:05,501 --> 01:01:08,170 and you attach yourself and you just fuck 'em all up. 1459 01:01:08,254 --> 01:01:09,380 LOU: ( SCOFFS ) Okay. 1460 01:01:09,546 --> 01:01:13,217 Okay. Someone needs to find a chill-out tent. 1461 01:01:13,425 --> 01:01:15,511 Let's get you a comfy couch and a video game. What do you say? 1462 01:01:15,594 --> 01:01:18,889 Where does it say in the Shitty Parent's Handbook to treat your son like shit? 1463 01:01:18,973 --> 01:01:20,557 Well, if it's a Shitty Parent's Handbook, 1464 01:01:20,641 --> 01:01:23,102 wouldn't it be, like, the theme of the whole book? 1465 01:01:23,185 --> 01:01:25,062 - No, he's right. Wait. - NICK: No, no, no. 1466 01:01:25,145 --> 01:01:27,773 It's a step-by-step guide for how to be a shitty parent. 1467 01:01:28,232 --> 01:01:30,401 - Exactly. - Shitty Parenting for Dummies. 1468 01:01:30,484 --> 01:01:32,444 Okay. You're right. I apologize. 1469 01:01:32,528 --> 01:01:34,280 I apologize. You were totally wrong. 1470 01:01:34,363 --> 01:01:35,572 No, why would someone write that book? 1471 01:01:35,656 --> 01:01:37,074 Why would that book exist? 1472 01:01:37,157 --> 01:01:38,701 Actually, Nick's idea about retitling it 1473 01:01:38,784 --> 01:01:40,869 Shitty Parenting for Dummies is a solid idea. 1474 01:01:40,953 --> 01:01:43,080 - If you want to use the metaphor again. - LOU: It's an impulse buy. 1475 01:01:43,163 --> 01:01:45,082 All right, you know what? Forget it. You're right, that's fair. 1476 01:01:45,165 --> 01:01:47,042 It was a misleading title. But the point is... 1477 01:01:47,126 --> 01:01:48,419 Fuck you! 1478 01:01:48,502 --> 01:01:50,713 If they're not gonna say it, I will. 1479 01:01:50,796 --> 01:01:54,174 I am so tired of solving your problems. 1480 01:01:54,258 --> 01:01:56,468 You wanna stop your murder, figure it out yourself. 1481 01:01:56,552 --> 01:01:57,553 I'm going to Winkle's. 1482 01:01:57,636 --> 01:01:59,555 - Jacob, what the fuck? - Youngblood! 1483 01:01:59,638 --> 01:02:02,057 No. You know why? 'Cause as long as we're here, 1484 01:02:02,141 --> 01:02:05,686 I'm Jacob fucking Dorchen! And that means something. 1485 01:02:05,769 --> 01:02:07,896 Jacob, come on! 1486 01:02:07,980 --> 01:02:09,481 Youngblood, we got to figure this out. 1487 01:02:09,606 --> 01:02:12,276 LOU: You're the only one keeping track of important stuff! 1488 01:02:13,110 --> 01:02:14,111 I mean... 1489 01:02:14,445 --> 01:02:15,487 You know what? Fuck it. Fuck it. 1490 01:02:15,612 --> 01:02:17,448 Who cares? Who needs him? I don't need him. 1491 01:02:17,656 --> 01:02:19,366 Hey, I'm getting married today, guys. 1492 01:02:19,450 --> 01:02:21,243 What do you say we kick this day in the pants 1493 01:02:21,327 --> 01:02:24,288 and get over there early for some Bloody Mary-tinis? 1494 01:02:24,371 --> 01:02:25,956 I'm sorry. Can I just get rid of this thing? 1495 01:02:26,040 --> 01:02:28,542 No! She said not to take it off for 24 hours. 1496 01:02:28,625 --> 01:02:29,918 - Or what? - I don't know. 1497 01:02:30,002 --> 01:02:32,171 Yeah, exactly. If I had a dime for every time 1498 01:02:32,254 --> 01:02:34,965 I did something a cocktail waitress told me not to do, 1499 01:02:35,049 --> 01:02:36,508 I'd be rich. Look. 1500 01:02:39,636 --> 01:02:41,013 Oh! ( CHUCKLES ) 1501 01:02:41,180 --> 01:02:43,307 Oh, my God, the cocktail waitress was wrong. 1502 01:02:43,515 --> 01:02:44,475 Sorry, my mistake. 1503 01:02:44,558 --> 01:02:45,934 I should listen to you more often, Lou. 1504 01:02:46,143 --> 01:02:47,269 - All right. -( SIGHS ) 1505 01:02:47,353 --> 01:02:48,520 You just learned a valuable life lesson. 1506 01:02:48,604 --> 01:02:49,772 I did. 1507 01:02:52,608 --> 01:02:53,567 Guys? 1508 01:02:54,318 --> 01:02:55,486 Come on. 1509 01:02:56,987 --> 01:02:58,030 Mmm... 1510 01:03:01,241 --> 01:03:03,911 Ew, God. So... 1511 01:03:05,037 --> 01:03:06,163 ( GASPING ) 1512 01:03:06,830 --> 01:03:08,707 -911, right? - Yeah. 1513 01:03:16,256 --> 01:03:17,508 ( RETCHES ) 1514 01:03:18,383 --> 01:03:19,384 LOU: Ugh. 1515 01:03:19,510 --> 01:03:21,512 Fucking disgusting, dude! 1516 01:03:21,845 --> 01:03:24,098 Okay, you're sick. You made your point. 1517 01:03:24,223 --> 01:03:26,517 Come on, Lou, you know he can't help it. 1518 01:03:26,683 --> 01:03:27,684 You okay, buddy? 1519 01:03:27,851 --> 01:03:28,852 ( GURGLES ) 1520 01:03:28,936 --> 01:03:31,188 Okay, this is becoming a bit of a hygiene issue. 1521 01:03:31,438 --> 01:03:33,524 KELLY: All right, let's see what we have here. 1522 01:03:33,649 --> 01:03:35,484 Okay, yeah. 1523 01:03:37,027 --> 01:03:38,112 Kel. 1524 01:03:38,278 --> 01:03:39,613 Come on, really? 1525 01:03:39,696 --> 01:03:42,825 Divorced? What the fuck are you talking about? 1526 01:03:42,908 --> 01:03:44,284 Kelly, we're soul mates. 1527 01:03:45,452 --> 01:03:46,787 Not anymore. 1528 01:03:48,038 --> 01:03:50,332 - Mommy? - No, I'm not your mommy. 1529 01:03:51,041 --> 01:03:53,210 - Homie? - Yeah, I'm your homie. 1530 01:03:54,378 --> 01:03:55,462 Was it... Was it something you did? 1531 01:03:55,546 --> 01:03:57,798 If so, I don't care. I don't care. I forgive you. 1532 01:03:57,881 --> 01:03:59,383 - Put this in his mouth. -( ADAM GROANS ) 1533 01:03:59,466 --> 01:04:01,718 If you don't communicate with me, I can't fix this! 1534 01:04:01,802 --> 01:04:02,970 You can't fix anything. 1535 01:04:03,303 --> 01:04:06,181 Hey, bite down on this. Good. Okay. 1536 01:04:06,265 --> 01:04:07,307 What's going on? 1537 01:04:07,558 --> 01:04:08,559 Here we go. 1538 01:04:10,352 --> 01:04:11,395 Okay. 1539 01:04:12,229 --> 01:04:13,730 Oh, that's actually not bad. 1540 01:04:13,814 --> 01:04:15,274 You know, it's, like, kind of sweet. 1541 01:04:15,732 --> 01:04:17,109 What's happening to him? 1542 01:04:17,234 --> 01:04:18,443 Oh, this is totally normal. 1543 01:04:18,569 --> 01:04:20,154 The nanobots are attacking the narcotics. 1544 01:04:20,654 --> 01:04:22,072 How long has he been on heroin? 1545 01:04:22,406 --> 01:04:23,407 It was a Ladybug. 1546 01:04:23,740 --> 01:04:25,576 - Wait, the sticker? - Yeah, on the neck. 1547 01:04:26,076 --> 01:04:28,495 Yeah. We normally give Tylenol for that. 1548 01:04:28,745 --> 01:04:29,997 I just pumped him full of... 1549 01:04:30,080 --> 01:04:31,540 Narcotic-seeking nanobots? 1550 01:04:31,623 --> 01:04:32,958 - Yeah. - Whoops. 1551 01:04:33,083 --> 01:04:34,835 You're a great listener. I should have married you. 1552 01:04:35,085 --> 01:04:36,670 LOU: Look, Kel, I'm sorry, okay? 1553 01:04:38,255 --> 01:04:39,464 I'm sorry. 1554 01:04:39,590 --> 01:04:40,591 ( ADAM GROANS ) 1555 01:04:40,674 --> 01:04:42,092 Can we just move on? 1556 01:04:42,217 --> 01:04:44,511 I did move on, Lou. I got clean. 1557 01:04:44,761 --> 01:04:46,763 You're the one who doesn't have a rock bottom. 1558 01:04:47,014 --> 01:04:49,099 I just pray that there's still hope for Jacob. 1559 01:04:51,101 --> 01:04:52,186 GARY: This ain't a circus! 1560 01:04:52,269 --> 01:04:54,605 Quick juggling and make some fucking drinks! 1561 01:04:54,855 --> 01:04:56,190 Hey! Jake the Snake! 1562 01:04:56,940 --> 01:04:58,442 Hey, is it still day out there? 1563 01:04:58,525 --> 01:04:59,943 Who gives a shit? What can I get you? 1564 01:05:00,110 --> 01:05:01,528 I'll take everything! 1565 01:05:01,695 --> 01:05:03,280 ( CHUCKLES ) 1566 01:05:03,363 --> 01:05:04,364 You sure about that? 1567 01:05:04,448 --> 01:05:05,949 'Cause, remember what happened last time? 1568 01:05:06,116 --> 01:05:07,534 Everything. 1569 01:05:08,118 --> 01:05:09,286 Okay. 1570 01:05:09,786 --> 01:05:12,456 All right! Set Mr. Dorchen up with the usual... 1571 01:05:12,539 --> 01:05:14,791 And, you know, call security. 1572 01:05:15,292 --> 01:05:17,044 KELLY: The nanobots can't find any drugs, 1573 01:05:17,127 --> 01:05:18,795 so they're traveling to the lowest part of his body, 1574 01:05:18,879 --> 01:05:20,380 where they'll harden and expand. 1575 01:05:20,464 --> 01:05:22,716 - His feet? - In his testicles. 1576 01:05:22,799 --> 01:05:24,801 Well, that hardly seems like the lowest part of his body. 1577 01:05:25,886 --> 01:05:28,055 - Shit! - What's happening? 1578 01:05:28,305 --> 01:05:29,640 Okay. It's now or never. 1579 01:05:29,723 --> 01:05:30,807 ADAM: ( STAMMERING ) What are you doing? 1580 01:05:30,974 --> 01:05:32,726 - Whoa, whoa, whoa! -( LAUGHS ) 1581 01:05:32,809 --> 01:05:33,810 What is that? 1582 01:05:33,894 --> 01:05:34,978 What you gonna do with that? 1583 01:05:35,062 --> 01:05:36,063 Stick him! Stick him! 1584 01:05:36,146 --> 01:05:37,481 ( SCREAMING ) 1585 01:05:39,066 --> 01:05:40,400 ( SCREAMING ) 1586 01:05:42,027 --> 01:05:43,153 ( EXCLAIMS ) Oh, shit! 1587 01:05:43,528 --> 01:05:45,072 ( CONTINUES SCREAMING ) 1588 01:05:47,491 --> 01:05:48,617 That's a lot of juice! 1589 01:05:48,700 --> 01:05:49,993 Okay! Enough! 1590 01:05:50,661 --> 01:05:52,329 Now what's gonna happen, I'm going to pull this out, 1591 01:05:52,412 --> 01:05:53,747 and there might be some leakage, okay? 1592 01:05:53,830 --> 01:05:55,499 ( STAMMERS ) Don't pull it out. Don't pull it out. 1593 01:05:55,582 --> 01:05:57,668 - I like it where it is. - KELLY: One, two, three... 1594 01:05:57,918 --> 01:05:59,169 ( ADAM SCREAMING ) 1595 01:05:59,419 --> 01:06:01,046 Ha! Ah! 1596 01:06:03,507 --> 01:06:05,092 - LOU: Oh, wow! Okay. - Fuck your ball juice! 1597 01:06:05,217 --> 01:06:06,218 ( SPITS ) 1598 01:06:06,343 --> 01:06:08,887 Oh, I walked right into that one. Literally. 1599 01:06:09,638 --> 01:06:11,640 Oh, I don't know about you guys, but I feel way better. 1600 01:06:12,015 --> 01:06:13,684 There's definitely semen in that. 1601 01:06:14,017 --> 01:06:16,103 There's definitely fucking semen in that. 1602 01:06:16,520 --> 01:06:19,356 Did you taste the robots? They're gritty. 1603 01:06:23,193 --> 01:06:25,529 Oh, fucking bottle service. 1604 01:06:25,696 --> 01:06:27,447 -( GRUNTS ) - WOMAN: Hey! 1605 01:06:32,869 --> 01:06:34,538 Every fucking weekend. 1606 01:06:34,788 --> 01:06:36,123 Hey, baby. ( SNIFFS ) 1607 01:06:36,623 --> 01:06:38,792 You're a fuck-up, Jacob. 1608 01:06:39,459 --> 01:06:41,003 Just like your loser dad. 1609 01:06:41,086 --> 01:06:43,422 I'm not anything like my fucking dad! 1610 01:06:49,553 --> 01:06:51,179 No... Oh, no, wait, wait, wait. 1611 01:06:51,263 --> 01:06:52,264 ( GROANS ) 1612 01:06:52,723 --> 01:06:53,890 Wait. 1613 01:06:54,057 --> 01:06:55,100 Wait. 1614 01:06:56,101 --> 01:06:58,437 I know how this looks. 1615 01:06:59,062 --> 01:07:01,231 No. You don't. 1616 01:07:06,570 --> 01:07:09,573 You see my son? Do you know my son? 1617 01:07:10,741 --> 01:07:12,075 Jacob! 1618 01:07:12,326 --> 01:07:15,329 Has anybody seen a grown-up Garbage Pail Kid? 1619 01:07:17,247 --> 01:07:18,248 There's Winkle. 1620 01:07:18,415 --> 01:07:21,001 GARY: I pay you girls to like me. Hey, smile! 1621 01:07:21,084 --> 01:07:22,586 Hey! 1622 01:07:23,086 --> 01:07:25,255 Uh-oh! Electric Ladybug, huh? 1623 01:07:25,339 --> 01:07:27,090 - Fuck you, dude! - Yeah. 1624 01:07:27,174 --> 01:07:28,342 Hey, how you doing? 1625 01:07:28,425 --> 01:07:29,968 I'm doing fucking shitty, Gary. 1626 01:07:30,177 --> 01:07:33,013 Still haven't found my killer, and there's a car trying to run me down. 1627 01:07:33,096 --> 01:07:34,097 I hear you there, brother. 1628 01:07:34,222 --> 01:07:35,932 I had a Passat follow me around for three weeks one time. 1629 01:07:36,099 --> 01:07:37,601 Had to buy it rims to make it go away. 1630 01:07:37,851 --> 01:07:39,186 You know what I'm talking about, huh? 1631 01:07:39,269 --> 01:07:40,270 Where's Jacob? 1632 01:07:40,354 --> 01:07:42,064 Oh, I had to throw him out, like I always do. 1633 01:07:42,147 --> 01:07:43,315 You know what I mean? 1634 01:07:43,440 --> 01:07:45,901 He said something about going to see his family therapist, 1635 01:07:45,984 --> 01:07:47,110 whoever the fuck that is. 1636 01:07:50,822 --> 01:07:52,407 I know where he is. 1637 01:08:04,127 --> 01:08:05,796 I'm not that strong. 1638 01:08:11,968 --> 01:08:13,303 LOU: Hey, son. 1639 01:08:14,638 --> 01:08:16,181 It's Daddy. 1640 01:08:23,063 --> 01:08:24,398 ( NICK SIGHS ) 1641 01:08:30,987 --> 01:08:33,573 It's a nice... Nice place. 1642 01:08:33,657 --> 01:08:35,242 Yeah, yeah. 1643 01:08:35,325 --> 01:08:38,328 I mean, like, as far as rooms go, this is one of the biggest. 1644 01:08:38,578 --> 01:08:39,704 A great room is a great room. 1645 01:08:39,830 --> 01:08:41,498 I could see myself chilling here. 1646 01:08:41,748 --> 01:08:44,334 Right. Throwing some football. 1647 01:08:44,584 --> 01:08:46,420 Having a football match right in the middle of the floor. 1648 01:08:46,670 --> 01:08:49,423 Football, basketball, you know, just all the sports. 1649 01:08:49,673 --> 01:08:51,675 I'm so comfortable and relaxed right now. 1650 01:08:51,758 --> 01:08:53,051 Me, too. 1651 01:08:54,177 --> 01:08:55,220 - Hey, Adam... - Yeah. 1652 01:08:55,345 --> 01:08:56,346 ...about what happened at Choozy Doozy... 1653 01:08:56,513 --> 01:08:59,599 No, it was... You know, it was virtual. 1654 01:09:00,016 --> 01:09:02,018 Yeah. Virtual. 1655 01:09:02,269 --> 01:09:03,645 So it was just like... ( BLOWS RASPBERRY ) 1656 01:09:03,728 --> 01:09:04,771 It's in the ether. 1657 01:09:04,855 --> 01:09:06,690 - It does not exist. - Who cares? 1658 01:09:07,023 --> 01:09:08,024 That shit happened. 1659 01:09:08,191 --> 01:09:09,693 Yeah, we should get that show cancelled. 1660 01:09:09,776 --> 01:09:11,194 Or at least arrest someone. 1661 01:09:11,361 --> 01:09:13,113 I could've ate some goddamn waffles. 1662 01:09:13,864 --> 01:09:17,367 It's like you shoved a fucking Buick up my butt. 1663 01:09:17,617 --> 01:09:19,703 I got a Buick dick. 1664 01:09:20,036 --> 01:09:21,371 You do. 1665 01:09:22,372 --> 01:09:24,624 Shit got bad, Lou. 1666 01:09:24,708 --> 01:09:27,127 I mean bad like the part of Boogie Nights 1667 01:09:27,210 --> 01:09:29,713 after Mark Wahlberg jerks off in the pickup truck. 1668 01:09:30,046 --> 01:09:32,382 I mean, here we are, with the greatest power 1669 01:09:32,466 --> 01:09:35,051 the universe has to offer at our fingertips 1670 01:09:35,552 --> 01:09:38,722 and we're just a bunch of fuck-ups. 1671 01:09:40,223 --> 01:09:43,393 ( SIGHS ) Jacob, I know what you're going through. 1672 01:09:43,477 --> 01:09:46,146 Yeah, I know that you do. You're the biggest fuck-up I know. 1673 01:09:46,396 --> 01:09:47,814 Look. 1674 01:09:47,898 --> 01:09:49,149 ( SIGHS ) 1675 01:09:50,567 --> 01:09:52,611 You know, all Dorchen men end up on a roof 1676 01:09:52,736 --> 01:09:54,488 at some point in their lives. 1677 01:09:54,571 --> 01:09:57,365 We party till we want to kill ourselves. My dad did it. 1678 01:09:57,741 --> 01:09:59,326 And your son will do it after you. 1679 01:09:59,576 --> 01:10:00,994 Even Grandpappy Dorchen? 1680 01:10:01,745 --> 01:10:04,247 Jumped off a roof, survived, died of syphilis. 1681 01:10:05,957 --> 01:10:07,000 ( SIGHS ) 1682 01:10:07,083 --> 01:10:09,377 Jacob, how can we expect to find happiness 1683 01:10:09,461 --> 01:10:12,088 anywhere in time if we're just not happy people? 1684 01:10:13,590 --> 01:10:15,592 We do the best that we can. 1685 01:10:20,096 --> 01:10:21,181 ( GROANS ) 1686 01:10:21,264 --> 01:10:23,308 Here comes the hug monster. 1687 01:10:29,940 --> 01:10:32,859 All right. Come on. Let's go do some more dumb shit. 1688 01:10:32,943 --> 01:10:33,944 ( LAUGHS ) 1689 01:10:36,696 --> 01:10:37,948 - Whoa! - I got you! 1690 01:10:38,031 --> 01:10:39,699 - Lou, don't drop me! - I got you! 1691 01:10:39,783 --> 01:10:40,825 Don't drop me! 1692 01:10:40,951 --> 01:10:42,035 I'm not gonna let you fall, I promise. 1693 01:10:42,118 --> 01:10:43,370 - I trust you. - Okay. 1694 01:10:43,620 --> 01:10:44,621 Oh, fuck, I'm gonna drop you! 1695 01:10:44,704 --> 01:10:45,705 Don't drop me! Don't drop me! 1696 01:10:45,789 --> 01:10:46,957 I'm dropping you! You fell! 1697 01:10:47,040 --> 01:10:48,667 Fuck you! 1698 01:10:48,792 --> 01:10:50,001 No! 1699 01:10:50,961 --> 01:10:53,630 FEMALE AUTOMATED VOICE: Suicide prevention activated. 1700 01:10:53,880 --> 01:10:55,882 Oh, look at that. Force field. 1701 01:10:56,049 --> 01:10:57,133 Oh, this is a great call. 1702 01:10:57,217 --> 01:10:58,593 I must have invented that. 1703 01:10:58,802 --> 01:11:01,137 Seriously. Thank you, Dad. 1704 01:11:01,471 --> 01:11:02,806 My pleasure, son. 1705 01:11:03,139 --> 01:11:05,141 - Is it fun? - Yeah, it's kind of fun. 1706 01:11:05,392 --> 01:11:08,144 You know what? I'm coming down, too! Yay! 1707 01:11:08,812 --> 01:11:10,021 ( SNORING ) 1708 01:11:10,230 --> 01:11:12,399 LOU: Guys, guys, guys, come on! 1709 01:11:12,732 --> 01:11:14,401 We got a murder to solve here, huh? 1710 01:11:14,484 --> 01:11:16,152 Let's think. It's not Winkle. 1711 01:11:16,486 --> 01:11:17,654 It's obviously not Jacob. 1712 01:11:17,737 --> 01:11:18,738 - Right? - Hey. 1713 01:11:18,822 --> 01:11:20,198 - No? Right. - Come on. Come on. 1714 01:11:20,323 --> 01:11:21,950 All right. Okay. 1715 01:11:22,325 --> 01:11:23,451 ( DEVICE BEEPING ) 1716 01:11:23,827 --> 01:11:26,413 Some curious news out of the tech sector today. 1717 01:11:26,496 --> 01:11:29,040 A new synthetic element has been developed. 1718 01:11:29,165 --> 01:11:32,085 The new element invented by Brad Syed of Lougle Labs, 1719 01:11:32,168 --> 01:11:35,338 is tentatively being called nitrotrinadium. 1720 01:11:35,589 --> 01:11:36,590 That's it. 1721 01:11:37,507 --> 01:11:39,843 - Brad never liked me. - No? 1722 01:11:39,926 --> 01:11:41,511 And Brad's going to Adam's wedding. 1723 01:11:41,761 --> 01:11:44,014 Oh, I keep forgetting you guys know Brad. 1724 01:11:44,681 --> 01:11:47,851 It's gonna be fun, my wedding. I'm looking forward to it. 1725 01:11:49,519 --> 01:11:51,146 Oh, fuck! My wedding! 1726 01:12:00,447 --> 01:12:03,199 Jill's going to kill me. I have to go change. 1727 01:12:03,450 --> 01:12:06,036 Oh, God. I can't believe that son of a bitch stole my idea. 1728 01:12:06,411 --> 01:12:09,289 Let's split up and find Brad on three. One, two, three. 1729 01:12:09,372 --> 01:12:10,373 ALL: Split up and find Brad 1730 01:12:10,457 --> 01:12:12,208 before he goes back in time and kills Lou! 1731 01:12:13,043 --> 01:12:14,294 - Wow! We are so locked in. - Same page. 1732 01:12:14,377 --> 01:12:15,629 - We are so locked in. - Same page. 1733 01:12:15,712 --> 01:12:16,796 - That's awesome. - NICK: Right. 1734 01:12:17,047 --> 01:12:19,090 It's normal for men to blow off some steam 1735 01:12:19,215 --> 01:12:20,550 before their wedding, right? 1736 01:12:20,634 --> 01:12:23,887 Adam? What'd he do, have a light lunch and a spa day? 1737 01:12:24,220 --> 01:12:28,475 He did drugs and had sex with a man he barely knows on national TV. 1738 01:12:28,808 --> 01:12:30,644 That doesn't sound like Adam. 1739 01:12:30,727 --> 01:12:33,980 ( SIGHS ) Honey, like you said, he's just blowing off steam. 1740 01:12:34,064 --> 01:12:36,900 Why didn't I blow off steam? I have steam to blow off. 1741 01:12:36,983 --> 01:12:38,318 All I did was get my hair done! 1742 01:12:38,401 --> 01:12:40,570 - It looks beautiful. - Oh, shut up, you dumb slut. 1743 01:12:40,820 --> 01:12:42,989 You blew half of Pittsburgh before your bachelorette party. 1744 01:12:43,073 --> 01:12:44,199 Get me some champagne. 1745 01:12:51,247 --> 01:12:52,874 I don't know what's taking Jill. 1746 01:12:54,084 --> 01:12:55,585 You think she saw Choozy Doozy? 1747 01:12:55,669 --> 01:12:56,753 Does she watch it? 1748 01:12:57,003 --> 01:12:58,088 It's her favorite show. 1749 01:12:58,171 --> 01:12:59,422 Then she probably saw it. 1750 01:12:59,756 --> 01:13:01,091 Fuck! 1751 01:13:01,424 --> 01:13:02,425 Sorry. 1752 01:13:04,469 --> 01:13:05,512 ( SIGHS ) 1753 01:13:05,595 --> 01:13:08,598 This isn't good. She's never late. Ever. 1754 01:13:08,848 --> 01:13:10,517 Do you think she and I are gonna be okay? 1755 01:13:10,767 --> 01:13:13,269 I don't know, man. I'm not the guy to ask about marriage. 1756 01:13:13,520 --> 01:13:15,939 - Wait, are you married? - Yeah. Well... 1757 01:13:17,190 --> 01:13:20,276 I don't know. I hope so. 1758 01:13:20,443 --> 01:13:21,736 Okay. Well, I have to find Jill. 1759 01:13:21,820 --> 01:13:22,862 Will you cover for me? 1760 01:13:22,946 --> 01:13:24,280 No, we gotta find Brad. 1761 01:13:24,614 --> 01:13:26,783 Fuck a dude. Fuck two dudes. 1762 01:13:26,950 --> 01:13:29,619 "I'm Adam. I get plowed by dudes on TV." 1763 01:13:30,120 --> 01:13:31,121 Oh. 1764 01:13:31,287 --> 01:13:33,623 Eeny, meeny, miney, drunk. 1765 01:13:34,916 --> 01:13:36,626 ( SCOFFS ) Choozy Boozey. 1766 01:13:38,920 --> 01:13:40,463 Oh, so sorry. Wrong room. 1767 01:13:42,298 --> 01:13:43,299 ( GIGGLES ) 1768 01:13:44,634 --> 01:13:46,970 Oh, shit. 1769 01:13:48,221 --> 01:13:52,392 Anybody know a Brad Syed? Report... 1770 01:13:52,475 --> 01:13:54,811 Hey, Nick Webber. Do the dance. 1771 01:13:55,061 --> 01:13:56,396 You want me to do the dance? 1772 01:13:56,563 --> 01:13:57,564 Yeah, do the dance. 1773 01:13:57,647 --> 01:13:59,107 You want me to do the fucking dance? 1774 01:13:59,190 --> 01:14:00,191 ALL: Yeah! 1775 01:14:05,488 --> 01:14:07,157 This is who I've become, isn't it? 1776 01:14:08,158 --> 01:14:09,826 The dancing clown. 1777 01:14:09,909 --> 01:14:12,120 The man who will apparently do anything 1778 01:14:12,203 --> 01:14:14,497 to keep his shitty career going. 1779 01:14:14,914 --> 01:14:16,249 Meanwhile, when's the last time 1780 01:14:16,332 --> 01:14:18,418 I shared a romantic dinner with my wife? 1781 01:14:18,501 --> 01:14:21,379 Or just did anything, just the two of us? 1782 01:14:21,504 --> 01:14:22,672 It's been a minute. 1783 01:14:23,840 --> 01:14:26,426 I'll bet there's a lot of people here tonight 1784 01:14:26,509 --> 01:14:28,344 who have been taken for granted. 1785 01:14:28,428 --> 01:14:29,846 This lady right here. 1786 01:14:30,096 --> 01:14:31,639 When's the last time your man gave you flowers, 1787 01:14:31,723 --> 01:14:33,433 just because? 1788 01:14:33,516 --> 01:14:34,559 Fuck you, dude. 1789 01:14:34,684 --> 01:14:38,146 Right? On this special occasion, 1790 01:14:38,354 --> 01:14:40,690 be thankful for the one you're with. 1791 01:14:41,024 --> 01:14:43,193 Make each moment count. 1792 01:14:43,943 --> 01:14:46,196 Remember why you fell in love. 1793 01:14:48,198 --> 01:14:49,532 Now do the dance! 1794 01:14:49,616 --> 01:14:50,700 ALL: Yeah! 1795 01:14:50,784 --> 01:14:52,368 Do it! Do it! 1796 01:14:53,036 --> 01:14:54,871 Fuck it. D.J.! 1797 01:14:55,872 --> 01:14:57,207 ( MUSIC PLAYING ) 1798 01:15:02,879 --> 01:15:04,214 ( SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ) 1799 01:15:08,051 --> 01:15:09,219 ( ALL GASP ) 1800 01:15:09,552 --> 01:15:10,887 -( GUNSHOT ) -( ALL EXCLAIM ) 1801 01:15:12,639 --> 01:15:13,807 - Hey, Brad. - Hey, Jacob... 1802 01:15:13,890 --> 01:15:16,601 Whoa! Whoa, whoa, whoa... 1803 01:15:16,726 --> 01:15:19,562 Give me the nitrotrinadium, Brad! Give me the fuckin' nitro! 1804 01:15:19,896 --> 01:15:21,397 - Okay, okay. - Slowly. 1805 01:15:21,981 --> 01:15:22,982 Slowly. 1806 01:15:23,149 --> 01:15:26,402 Be very careful, it's my only one. I only trust you with it. 1807 01:15:26,903 --> 01:15:28,947 You thought you had it all figured out, didn't ya? 1808 01:15:29,072 --> 01:15:30,907 Just gonna go back in time and kill my dad. 1809 01:15:31,157 --> 01:15:32,492 - Kill your dad? - Yeah. 1810 01:15:32,742 --> 01:15:33,910 I know your plan, Brad. 1811 01:15:34,244 --> 01:15:35,662 Okay, sure, I thought about it. 1812 01:15:35,745 --> 01:15:37,288 A lot. When I worked for him. 1813 01:15:37,413 --> 01:15:38,414 I knew it. 1814 01:15:38,581 --> 01:15:40,375 But why would I wanna kill the man partly responsible 1815 01:15:40,458 --> 01:15:42,794 for the greatest scientific achievement of all time? 1816 01:15:43,336 --> 01:15:44,587 ( SIGHS ) 1817 01:15:44,671 --> 01:15:46,714 There was no such thing as nitrotrinadium 1818 01:15:46,798 --> 01:15:49,175 when your dad gave me the idea for it 10 years ago. 1819 01:15:49,259 --> 01:15:50,593 ...for time travel! 1820 01:15:50,844 --> 01:15:52,512 BRAD: He had a history of pulling great ideas 1821 01:15:52,595 --> 01:15:54,013 -out of his ass... - Boom! 1822 01:15:54,097 --> 01:15:56,683 ...and god damn it, he did it again. 1823 01:15:56,766 --> 01:15:58,935 I'm gonna be in the lab, trying to save this company. 1824 01:15:59,185 --> 01:16:00,645 I dedicated my life's work 1825 01:16:00,770 --> 01:16:03,022 to making Lou Dorchen's vision a reality. 1826 01:16:03,273 --> 01:16:05,942 Wait. So you are the inventor of time travel. 1827 01:16:06,526 --> 01:16:08,444 Right? It's fucking awesome. 1828 01:16:08,611 --> 01:16:11,155 So you weren't gonna go back to 2015 and shoot him in the dick. 1829 01:16:11,281 --> 01:16:13,867 Shoot him? ( LAUGHS ) 1830 01:16:13,950 --> 01:16:16,786 If I was going to kill your dad, it wouldn't be with a gun. 1831 01:16:17,036 --> 01:16:20,957 What I would do is spike his morning cocktail with a potent sedative 1832 01:16:21,040 --> 01:16:22,792 before dragging his body to the Gulf and... 1833 01:16:22,876 --> 01:16:24,168 BOTH: Feeding it to a shark. 1834 01:16:24,502 --> 01:16:26,713 - Yeah. - It's the perfect plan. 1835 01:16:26,963 --> 01:16:29,382 LOU: Are you having as fantastic a time as I am? 1836 01:16:29,465 --> 01:16:31,342 JILL: Shut up! This isn't making love! 1837 01:16:31,467 --> 01:16:33,219 This is a "fuck you" to my fiance! 1838 01:16:33,303 --> 01:16:34,637 LOU: Right, right, right, right. Okay. 1839 01:16:34,888 --> 01:16:37,390 JILL: Fuck me, Uncle Lou! LOU: Whoa! Whoa! Hold on! 1840 01:16:37,640 --> 01:16:38,641 Uncle by marriage! 1841 01:16:38,725 --> 01:16:40,435 I feel like that is an important distinction to make. 1842 01:16:40,560 --> 01:16:41,895 Fuck me, Uncle Lou by marriage! 1843 01:16:42,145 --> 01:16:43,688 I can't believe I'm fucking 1844 01:16:43,813 --> 01:16:45,982 Adam's father's future daughter-in-law! 1845 01:16:46,316 --> 01:16:50,069 JILL: I can't believe I'm fucking Adam's father's sister's husband! 1846 01:16:51,154 --> 01:16:52,822 Adam! Have you seen Lou? 1847 01:16:53,823 --> 01:16:54,824 ( WHIMPERS ) 1848 01:16:54,908 --> 01:16:57,869 That Jacuzzi time machine thing, is that real? 1849 01:16:57,994 --> 01:16:59,495 - It's a hot tub. - Whatever! 1850 01:16:59,579 --> 01:17:01,414 Listen, Adam, I'm sorry, I gotta be a stickler on this. 1851 01:17:01,497 --> 01:17:02,916 Jacuzzi is a brand name, and... 1852 01:17:02,999 --> 01:17:04,834 Shut up! How does it work? 1853 01:17:05,835 --> 01:17:08,004 - How does it work? - This! 1854 01:17:09,923 --> 01:17:12,258 BRAD: It's the only nitrotrinadium in the whole world! 1855 01:17:12,342 --> 01:17:16,596 Ten fucking years! It was a bitch to make, dude! 1856 01:17:16,679 --> 01:17:19,307 I know, Brad. I didn't mean to fuckin' lose it. 1857 01:17:19,390 --> 01:17:20,975 He got the jump on me. 1858 01:17:21,100 --> 01:17:22,644 But he's so much smaller than you. 1859 01:17:22,727 --> 01:17:26,439 He had, like, super-human strength, like that fucking baby in Superman I. 1860 01:17:26,564 --> 01:17:29,525 You mean Baby Superman? That baby was Superman. 1861 01:17:29,609 --> 01:17:30,610 ( STAMMERS ) Yeah, I mean... 1862 01:17:30,693 --> 01:17:32,528 That baby was Superman, Jacob! 1863 01:17:35,531 --> 01:17:37,116 - Hey. - Oh, hey. 1864 01:17:37,200 --> 01:17:38,534 - Any luck? -( LAUGHS ) 1865 01:17:38,618 --> 01:17:39,953 - Yeah. - You found him? 1866 01:17:40,662 --> 01:17:43,539 Oh, shit! No. Brad. No, you? 1867 01:17:43,873 --> 01:17:46,501 Nah. Dude. 1868 01:17:46,960 --> 01:17:49,629 Ten years of my life. 1869 01:17:49,712 --> 01:17:50,964 Handle it. 1870 01:17:52,215 --> 01:17:54,884 Instead of linear, think of space-time as being fluid... 1871 01:17:54,968 --> 01:17:56,427 - Hey. - Hey, Lou. 1872 01:17:56,552 --> 01:17:57,595 ( GRUNTS ) 1873 01:17:58,221 --> 01:17:59,389 ( LOU CHUCKLES ) 1874 01:17:59,472 --> 01:18:00,640 BOTH: America! 1875 01:18:00,890 --> 01:18:02,892 Brad was helping. He's not the murderer. 1876 01:18:03,977 --> 01:18:05,186 Oh. Hmm. 1877 01:18:05,812 --> 01:18:07,313 - Oops. - Then what happened? 1878 01:18:07,438 --> 01:18:10,233 Adam took the nitro. He's going back to 2015 to kill you. 1879 01:18:10,316 --> 01:18:13,069 Adam Junior's the murderer? Why would he do that? 1880 01:18:13,152 --> 01:18:14,570 Um, hmm... 1881 01:18:14,904 --> 01:18:16,239 I think... Uh... 1882 01:18:16,572 --> 01:18:18,241 You guys are gonna think this is hilarious. 1883 01:18:18,366 --> 01:18:19,617 I may have, 1884 01:18:20,451 --> 01:18:24,455 uh, fucked his wife. A tiny bit! A tiny bit. 1885 01:18:25,248 --> 01:18:27,166 You know, in her vagina, or whatever. 1886 01:18:27,250 --> 01:18:28,251 Fuck, Lou! 1887 01:18:28,334 --> 01:18:29,794 So you just created your own killer. 1888 01:18:29,919 --> 01:18:31,838 - Oh, so I'm the bad guy now! - Yes! 1889 01:18:31,963 --> 01:18:32,964 Yes. 1890 01:18:33,256 --> 01:18:34,424 Come on! 1891 01:18:34,632 --> 01:18:35,675 JACOB: Fuck! 1892 01:18:36,092 --> 01:18:37,260 LOU: Shit. 1893 01:18:37,677 --> 01:18:39,512 Baby Adam got away. 1894 01:18:39,595 --> 01:18:41,931 Oh, shit. Shit. Look, look, look! 1895 01:18:42,765 --> 01:18:43,766 JACOB: Come on, come on, come on... 1896 01:18:43,850 --> 01:18:46,686 No, no, no, no, no! This has got to end now. 1897 01:18:46,936 --> 01:18:48,563 -( SIGHS ) - NICK AND JACOB: Lou... 1898 01:18:48,646 --> 01:18:50,273 - Lou, what are you doing? - Lou, get out of the road. 1899 01:18:50,440 --> 01:18:51,858 - NICK AND JACOB: Lou! - I know what I'm doing! 1900 01:18:51,941 --> 01:18:52,984 Get the fuck out of the street! 1901 01:18:53,067 --> 01:18:54,610 You don't know what you're doing. You're going to die! 1902 01:18:55,445 --> 01:18:56,446 Lou, would you come the fuck on? 1903 01:18:56,529 --> 01:18:57,780 Let me do this! I got this! 1904 01:18:57,989 --> 01:18:59,115 I got this! 1905 01:18:59,282 --> 01:19:00,324 - Stop! -( NICK AND JACOB GASP ) 1906 01:19:05,538 --> 01:19:07,707 I'm sorry. Okay. 1907 01:19:09,459 --> 01:19:11,085 -( ENGINE REVS ) - Okay, okay, okay! I mean it. 1908 01:19:11,169 --> 01:19:13,713 I do. I mean it. I'm a dick. Ask my friends. 1909 01:19:13,796 --> 01:19:15,131 - He's a dick. - Big ol' dick. 1910 01:19:15,214 --> 01:19:17,133 Look, I get you. I do. 1911 01:19:17,300 --> 01:19:19,802 I know what it's like to feel unappreciated, 1912 01:19:19,969 --> 01:19:21,804 like just a member of the pack. 1913 01:19:22,472 --> 01:19:25,892 I just want you to know that despite what I said before, 1914 01:19:25,975 --> 01:19:27,393 I do appreciate you. 1915 01:19:27,477 --> 01:19:29,729 And I'm appealing to your sense of humanity right now. 1916 01:19:30,480 --> 01:19:33,149 There is a maniac trying to kill me. 1917 01:19:33,232 --> 01:19:36,819 And I'm asking you to be the bigger car and help me out. 1918 01:19:39,405 --> 01:19:43,159 I'm just a guy looking at a car 1919 01:19:44,494 --> 01:19:46,162 and asking it to love me. 1920 01:19:48,664 --> 01:19:49,916 ( CAR BEEPS ) 1921 01:19:51,501 --> 01:19:53,002 ( LOU SIGHS ) 1922 01:19:54,712 --> 01:19:56,047 ( BRAKES SCREECH ) 1923 01:20:00,843 --> 01:20:02,303 ( HORN HONKS ) 1924 01:20:04,555 --> 01:20:07,016 Listen. You can't go with me, okay? 1925 01:20:07,391 --> 01:20:08,559 Scat! 1926 01:20:08,726 --> 01:20:10,394 -( CAR BEEPS ) -( SIGHS ) 1927 01:20:12,730 --> 01:20:14,023 Hey, listen. 1928 01:20:14,107 --> 01:20:16,275 I'll be back, okay? I promise. I'll be back. 1929 01:20:16,359 --> 01:20:19,779 We'll go all the places that we never got to go, okay? 1930 01:20:19,862 --> 01:20:20,863 Just 1931 01:20:21,906 --> 01:20:23,783 wait for me. You, uh, 1932 01:20:24,408 --> 01:20:26,327 stay blue. 1933 01:20:28,371 --> 01:20:29,497 ( CAR BEEPS SADLY ) 1934 01:20:35,211 --> 01:20:37,004 JACOB: Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. 1935 01:20:38,756 --> 01:20:40,633 We're too late. We just missed him. 1936 01:20:41,509 --> 01:20:44,053 I guess that's it. We're stuck here. 1937 01:20:44,512 --> 01:20:46,681 That means in a minute, Lou's going to 1938 01:20:47,682 --> 01:20:48,808 disappear. 1939 01:20:51,102 --> 01:20:52,770 No. That can't be right. Right, Jacob? 1940 01:20:52,854 --> 01:20:55,231 I mean, you got... You got a plan or something. 1941 01:20:55,523 --> 01:20:57,191 No. We just got to, um... 1942 01:20:57,608 --> 01:20:59,026 What are we gonna do? 1943 01:20:59,527 --> 01:21:00,945 Fuck, I don't know. 1944 01:21:01,362 --> 01:21:02,738 I don't know. 1945 01:21:04,574 --> 01:21:05,908 Aw, shit, Lou. 1946 01:21:21,382 --> 01:21:23,885 - I'll miss you, brother. - I'll miss you, too. 1947 01:21:30,349 --> 01:21:32,351 ( SOFTLY ) Hey. Before I forget, 1948 01:21:33,060 --> 01:21:34,562 will you just keep an eye on him? 1949 01:21:36,564 --> 01:21:38,983 He's got such a big future ahead of him. 1950 01:21:39,066 --> 01:21:40,568 - Obviously. - Yeah. 1951 01:21:44,739 --> 01:21:45,781 ( SCOFFS ) 1952 01:21:46,073 --> 01:21:47,491 ( CHUCKLES ) I got it. 1953 01:21:47,617 --> 01:21:48,993 Jacob, it's okay. Don't... 1954 01:21:49,160 --> 01:21:50,203 No, no, no. 1955 01:21:50,286 --> 01:21:53,497 Our nitro was missing because it didn't exist yet. 1956 01:21:53,831 --> 01:21:56,626 But if Adam took the nitro to the past, 1957 01:21:56,751 --> 01:21:58,419 then it exists here in the future. 1958 01:22:01,756 --> 01:22:03,090 Holy shit! 1959 01:22:04,175 --> 01:22:05,176 NICK: There's still time. 1960 01:22:05,426 --> 01:22:07,011 - Jacob! ( GRUNTS ) - Let's go! 1961 01:22:09,096 --> 01:22:11,140 NICK: We gotta go back to the past to save the future. 1962 01:22:11,265 --> 01:22:12,308 What does this remind you of? 1963 01:22:12,433 --> 01:22:13,434 Terminator. 1964 01:22:13,517 --> 01:22:14,810 - Always Terminator. - Always Terminator. I know. 1965 01:22:14,894 --> 01:22:16,103 Let's go save Lou's life. 1966 01:22:16,187 --> 01:22:17,438 BOTH: High five. 1967 01:22:17,688 --> 01:22:18,773 High five. 1968 01:22:19,148 --> 01:22:20,608 ( ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ) 1969 01:22:25,947 --> 01:22:28,032 This is my favorite part! 1970 01:22:28,115 --> 01:22:29,450 Ah, here we go! Here we go! 1971 01:22:29,533 --> 01:22:31,202 ( ALL SCREAMING ) 1972 01:22:44,131 --> 01:22:46,133 - I think we made it! - Let's go! 1973 01:22:46,384 --> 01:22:47,468 - Let's go! - Okay. 1974 01:22:48,552 --> 01:22:50,012 ( MUSIC PLAYING ) 1975 01:22:53,140 --> 01:22:54,809 It's the party. And there's still time! 1976 01:22:55,059 --> 01:22:57,228 He's gotta be around here somewhere! 1977 01:22:57,895 --> 01:23:00,356 BUFFER: We are live! 1978 01:23:00,982 --> 01:23:03,150 From Lougle Mansion. 1979 01:23:03,651 --> 01:23:08,322 Worth 2.3 billion dollars, introducing 1980 01:23:08,990 --> 01:23:12,910 Lou "the Violator" 1981 01:23:12,994 --> 01:23:14,662 Dorchen! 1982 01:23:14,870 --> 01:23:16,497 ( GUESTS CHEERING ) 1983 01:23:19,166 --> 01:23:20,501 ( SQUEALING ) 1984 01:23:25,256 --> 01:23:26,757 - Hey, everybody. - ADAM: Lou! 1985 01:23:26,882 --> 01:23:28,342 ( ALL SCREAMING ) 1986 01:23:30,594 --> 01:23:31,679 Lou, I found him. 1987 01:23:31,804 --> 01:23:33,264 I'm going to shoot you in the dick 1988 01:23:33,347 --> 01:23:35,474 so you can't fuck anyone else's wife! 1989 01:23:35,558 --> 01:23:36,851 Technically, you all aren't married yet, 1990 01:23:36,934 --> 01:23:38,769 -so she's not your wife. - Yes, she is! 1991 01:23:38,853 --> 01:23:41,022 Adam, I hate to be a stickler, but you guys haven't met yet. 1992 01:23:41,105 --> 01:23:42,106 - It's 2015. - Shut the fuck up! 1993 01:23:42,189 --> 01:23:43,274 - Mazel tov! - Congratulations! 1994 01:23:43,524 --> 01:23:44,775 ( WOMAN SCREAMS ) 1995 01:23:47,528 --> 01:23:49,864 What are you doing? What are you doing? 1996 01:23:50,197 --> 01:23:52,199 It's probably pretty hard to shoot a man, right? 1997 01:23:52,700 --> 01:23:53,701 Don't. 1998 01:23:53,784 --> 01:23:56,203 It's okay. It's okay. Watch. 1999 01:23:57,038 --> 01:23:59,790 I'm just gonna make it easier on you. Look. 2000 01:24:01,375 --> 01:24:02,418 ( SIGHS ) 2001 01:24:02,877 --> 01:24:05,296 - Shotgun to the dick. - His destiny. 2002 01:24:05,713 --> 01:24:07,715 I turned you into a murderer. 2003 01:24:08,382 --> 01:24:09,508 I've just ruined my own life. 2004 01:24:09,592 --> 01:24:12,470 I have so much fuckin' poison in me that I've ruined yours, too. 2005 01:24:12,553 --> 01:24:13,888 Jacob was right. 2006 01:24:14,221 --> 01:24:15,723 I'm a virus. 2007 01:24:16,724 --> 01:24:19,560 This is your revenge to take. Okay? 2008 01:24:20,561 --> 01:24:21,812 Please. 2009 01:24:25,316 --> 01:24:26,650 I've seen my future. 2010 01:24:26,901 --> 01:24:28,569 You saw it. I'm a disaster. 2011 01:24:29,570 --> 01:24:30,571 It's okay. 2012 01:24:30,905 --> 01:24:33,991 Just kill me and put us both out of our misery? 2013 01:24:34,075 --> 01:24:35,242 Please. 2014 01:24:35,409 --> 01:24:38,162 I can't. I can't do it. 2015 01:24:38,329 --> 01:24:40,623 Jesus Christ, do I have to fucking do everything? 2016 01:24:41,499 --> 01:24:42,500 Lou... 2017 01:24:43,250 --> 01:24:44,251 No! 2018 01:24:44,335 --> 01:24:45,753 ( ALL EXCLAIM ) 2019 01:24:48,798 --> 01:24:50,132 You okay? 2020 01:24:52,927 --> 01:24:54,678 You're fucking crazy, Lou. 2021 01:24:59,141 --> 01:25:00,768 ( BREATHING HEAVILY ) 2022 01:25:02,853 --> 01:25:04,480 I'm sorry, I may have shit my pants. 2023 01:25:04,605 --> 01:25:06,357 That's all right. It was a stressful situation. 2024 01:25:06,440 --> 01:25:08,526 It was really stressful. I'm exhausted. 2025 01:25:08,609 --> 01:25:09,693 BOTH: Oh! 2026 01:25:09,777 --> 01:25:11,112 - I'm so sorry. - I'm sorry. 2027 01:25:11,779 --> 01:25:12,822 Jill? 2028 01:25:12,905 --> 01:25:14,407 How did you know my... 2029 01:25:14,657 --> 01:25:16,242 Oh. My nametag. 2030 01:25:16,325 --> 01:25:17,993 No, no, it's because you're my... 2031 01:25:20,037 --> 01:25:22,790 I'm sorry. This is just... This is weird. 2032 01:25:23,290 --> 01:25:26,627 Up until yesterday, I thought I had a normal life. 2033 01:25:26,877 --> 01:25:28,379 I know what you mean. I... 2034 01:25:28,462 --> 01:25:31,715 Have you ever felt like your entire life was a fraud? 2035 01:25:31,799 --> 01:25:33,801 I'm sorry. "Fraud" is the wrong word. "Lie"? 2036 01:25:37,471 --> 01:25:38,472 I'm Adam. 2037 01:25:38,556 --> 01:25:40,850 - I'm... - Jill. I know. 2038 01:25:41,350 --> 01:25:42,810 Lovely tuxedo you're wearing. 2039 01:25:43,018 --> 01:25:45,187 Thank you. Well, it's for our... 2040 01:25:47,314 --> 01:25:48,816 ( SPEAKING GIBBERISH ) 2041 01:25:50,818 --> 01:25:51,944 Forgot what I was going to say. 2042 01:25:53,737 --> 01:25:55,656 ( POP MUSIC PLAYING ) 2043 01:26:00,161 --> 01:26:02,163 Well, that was exciting. 2044 01:26:02,246 --> 01:26:04,498 I guess it's not a Lougle party until somebody gets shot at. 2045 01:26:04,748 --> 01:26:05,833 I don't want to go to the Grammys. 2046 01:26:05,916 --> 01:26:06,959 No? 2047 01:26:07,042 --> 01:26:08,544 I don't wanna go to your sister's either. 2048 01:26:08,669 --> 01:26:10,337 I just want to go somewhere, just you and me. 2049 01:26:11,672 --> 01:26:13,048 Start making things right. 2050 01:26:14,383 --> 01:26:16,385 I like that. Okay. 2051 01:26:16,719 --> 01:26:18,179 And I want to get out of this shirt. 2052 01:26:18,387 --> 01:26:20,848 I've been in it for, like, three days, and it's really loud. 2053 01:26:21,932 --> 01:26:23,642 - Come here. - Hmm? 2054 01:26:23,726 --> 01:26:25,895 Put your arms up for a sec, like that. 2055 01:26:26,896 --> 01:26:29,565 Is this a dance or something? 2056 01:26:29,857 --> 01:26:31,859 Something like that. More of a strut. 2057 01:26:32,234 --> 01:26:33,569 I'm coming in. 2058 01:26:33,694 --> 01:26:35,488 Okay. ( GIGGLES ) 2059 01:26:35,571 --> 01:26:37,907 - There it is. Yeah. - Oh, okay. 2060 01:26:38,532 --> 01:26:40,242 Oh, this is some stupid shit. 2061 01:26:40,326 --> 01:26:42,077 You have no idea. 2062 01:26:43,537 --> 01:26:45,039 KELLY: Did I just hear fireworks? 2063 01:26:45,122 --> 01:26:47,541 Because fireworks make me want to puke, and you know that. 2064 01:26:57,051 --> 01:26:58,219 Hmm? Mmm... 2065 01:27:01,096 --> 01:27:02,556 Why are you more handsome? 2066 01:27:03,557 --> 01:27:05,309 I'm a bald person. 2067 01:27:05,392 --> 01:27:06,393 Hey. 2068 01:27:06,477 --> 01:27:08,979 What do you think about doing a 12-step program with me? 2069 01:27:09,939 --> 01:27:12,650 You know, like, go to an awesome rehab 2070 01:27:12,733 --> 01:27:16,445 with good food and a pool and classy people. 2071 01:27:18,489 --> 01:27:19,657 What do you think? 2072 01:27:20,950 --> 01:27:22,451 - Okay. - Yeah? 2073 01:27:23,118 --> 01:27:24,620 I fucking hate you, Lou. 2074 01:27:24,912 --> 01:27:26,288 I fucking hate you, Kelly. 2075 01:27:30,292 --> 01:27:32,503 JACOB: Sophie! Hey! Where are you going? 2076 01:27:32,586 --> 01:27:35,589 Um, people are shooting each other. I'm getting out of here. 2077 01:27:35,673 --> 01:27:36,715 Okay. Here's the thing, Soph, 2078 01:27:36,799 --> 01:27:38,842 I've seen our future together and I will be the first person 2079 01:27:38,926 --> 01:27:40,928 to admit that it is fucking insane. 2080 01:27:41,095 --> 01:27:42,763 The drugs, the constant partying. 2081 01:27:42,846 --> 01:27:45,140 It's enough to make anybody ask, "When is enough enough?" 2082 01:27:45,266 --> 01:27:46,308 What are you talking about? 2083 01:27:46,433 --> 01:27:47,560 Just stay with me here. Just stay with me. 2084 01:27:47,643 --> 01:27:48,978 Did you change? 2085 01:27:49,103 --> 01:27:50,896 Yeah, in so many ways. But, listen, 2086 01:27:50,980 --> 01:27:52,231 right in the middle of that future 2087 01:27:52,314 --> 01:27:55,317 is this toxic power couple named you and me. 2088 01:27:55,442 --> 01:27:57,361 And does it all end in tragedy and tears 2089 01:27:57,444 --> 01:27:59,363 and a murder mystery? Yes, of course it does. 2090 01:27:59,613 --> 01:28:00,948 But I don't care. 2091 01:28:01,156 --> 01:28:02,908 I just got one question, Sophie. 2092 01:28:03,951 --> 01:28:05,703 Are you ready for the ride of your fucking life? 2093 01:28:20,301 --> 01:28:21,343 What's that in your pocket? 2094 01:28:21,844 --> 01:28:23,178 My dick. 2095 01:28:24,305 --> 01:28:25,848 Oh, the other thing. 2096 01:28:26,682 --> 01:28:29,184 A billion fucking dollars. 2097 01:28:31,645 --> 01:28:34,064 Hey, I just met my future wife in there. 2098 01:28:34,315 --> 01:28:36,984 Yeah, man. Hang out with us, that kind of shit happens all the time. 2099 01:28:37,151 --> 01:28:39,153 Yeah. A lot of highs and lows here. 2100 01:28:39,361 --> 01:28:40,863 - Yeah. - You know, when you think about it, 2101 01:28:40,946 --> 01:28:43,115 Lou had to fuck your wife in the future, 2102 01:28:43,240 --> 01:28:44,575 so you could meet her in the past. 2103 01:28:45,034 --> 01:28:47,119 - Well... - Yeah. But, hey... 2104 01:28:47,703 --> 01:28:48,912 That's what uncles do, right? 2105 01:28:50,831 --> 01:28:51,832 Not really. 2106 01:28:52,791 --> 01:28:53,792 JACOB: Hey, just think of it this way. 2107 01:28:53,876 --> 01:28:55,377 Since it happened in the future, 2108 01:28:55,502 --> 01:28:57,087 it technically hasn't happened at all. 2109 01:28:57,421 --> 01:28:59,089 It's cyclical. 2110 01:28:59,173 --> 01:29:01,258 ADAM: Yeah. And even though I didn't meet my dad, 2111 01:29:01,342 --> 01:29:03,093 I met some friends for life. 2112 01:29:03,177 --> 01:29:04,178 NICK: Oh, yeah? Who? 2113 01:29:04,428 --> 01:29:06,764 - ADAM: Hey, Lou? - Uncle Lou. 2114 01:29:07,765 --> 01:29:09,016 Uncle Lou. 2115 01:29:09,767 --> 01:29:12,603 No harm, no foul, but did you ejaculate in her? 2116 01:29:12,686 --> 01:29:14,688 Hey. That doesn't matter. 2117 01:29:15,105 --> 01:29:17,107 I ejaculated inside of you. 2118 01:29:17,358 --> 01:29:18,609 JACOB: And that doesn't matter either. 2119 01:29:18,734 --> 01:29:21,528 Because those are both just hypothetical future scenarios. 2120 01:29:21,612 --> 01:29:23,822 No one ejaculated inside of anything, really. 2121 01:29:23,906 --> 01:29:25,032 No one's ejaculated. 2122 01:29:25,199 --> 01:29:26,200 ( WHISPERS ) Yeah, I did. 2123 01:29:26,283 --> 01:29:27,284 LOU: You know what? 2124 01:29:27,618 --> 01:29:29,203 I had this moment earlier. 2125 01:29:31,121 --> 01:29:33,457 I think it was when my nephew from the future 2126 01:29:33,582 --> 01:29:35,125 had a shotgun pointed at my dick 2127 01:29:35,209 --> 01:29:36,293 that I'd helped him place there. 2128 01:29:37,586 --> 01:29:38,921 That was me. 2129 01:29:39,129 --> 01:29:42,966 But in that moment, everything became clear to me. 2130 01:29:43,133 --> 01:29:45,135 We need to change people's lives. 2131 01:29:45,302 --> 01:29:47,137 Make the world a better place. 2132 01:29:47,763 --> 01:29:50,015 -( ELECTRICITY CRACKLING ) - All we have to do is... 2133 01:29:50,140 --> 01:29:51,141 ( GUNSHOT ) 2134 01:29:52,309 --> 01:29:53,268 -( RETCHES ) - Ah! 2135 01:29:53,352 --> 01:29:54,353 ( ALL SCREAMING ) 2136 01:29:54,978 --> 01:29:56,271 Lou! 2137 01:29:56,897 --> 01:29:58,357 MAN: Don't listen to anything he says. 2138 01:29:58,690 --> 01:29:59,733 JACOB: Adam? 2139 01:29:59,983 --> 01:30:01,819 NICK: What the fuck? You shot Lou! 2140 01:30:01,944 --> 01:30:03,529 Dad? 2141 01:30:03,946 --> 01:30:04,947 What's going on? 2142 01:30:05,322 --> 01:30:07,116 No time to explain. Follow me. 2143 01:30:07,199 --> 01:30:08,742 To where? 2144 01:30:09,493 --> 01:30:10,536 Cincinnati. 2145 01:30:10,828 --> 01:30:12,287 ADAM: No, no, Dad, wait! 2146 01:30:13,372 --> 01:30:15,290 Why did my dad just kill Lou? 2147 01:30:18,627 --> 01:30:20,838 - He probably had an okay reason. - Whoa, whoa, whoa. 2148 01:30:21,004 --> 01:30:22,840 Wait! Don't go with Adam! 2149 01:30:24,007 --> 01:30:25,008 ( SCREAMS ) 2150 01:30:26,009 --> 01:30:27,010 ( SIGHS ) 2151 01:30:27,094 --> 01:30:28,178 Patriot Lou. 2152 01:30:28,262 --> 01:30:29,430 Are those wooden teeth? 2153 01:30:29,513 --> 01:30:32,182 NICK: He looks like Cap'n Crunch fucked Paul Revere. 2154 01:30:32,266 --> 01:30:33,934 His hair's breathtaking. 2155 01:30:34,017 --> 01:30:35,185 It's beautiful. 2156 01:30:36,311 --> 01:30:38,272 - Don't listen to him. - Why? 2157 01:30:38,355 --> 01:30:40,065 It's a long story. 2158 01:30:40,149 --> 01:30:41,608 Believe me, he did us all a favor. 2159 01:30:41,692 --> 01:30:43,277 This one was bad. 2160 01:30:43,360 --> 01:30:45,112 ( STAMMERS ) Oh, okay. The bigger question is, how... 2161 01:30:45,195 --> 01:30:47,072 That's not the only me. You think you're the only you? 2162 01:30:47,156 --> 01:30:48,866 There's a ton of yous out there. 2163 01:30:49,074 --> 01:30:51,201 Look, you're gonna like this me a lot better. 2164 01:30:51,285 --> 01:30:52,911 This me is great. Take it from me. 2165 01:30:53,162 --> 01:30:54,329 Holy shit. 2166 01:30:55,497 --> 01:30:56,999 I mean, you guys get it, right? 2167 01:30:57,749 --> 01:31:00,169 Multiple universes, like Fringe. 2168 01:31:02,713 --> 01:31:03,797 ( SINGING ) Nerd 2169 01:31:03,881 --> 01:31:06,800 You're a fucking nerd 2170 01:31:06,884 --> 01:31:08,051 Poindexter 2171 01:31:08,218 --> 01:31:10,387 You're a fucking nerd 2172 01:31:10,554 --> 01:31:12,139 And no one likes you 2173 01:31:12,222 --> 01:31:13,223 ADAM: You're a nerd You're a nerd... 2174 01:31:13,307 --> 01:31:14,475 And no one likes you 2175 01:31:14,558 --> 01:31:16,059 You suck each other's dicks 2176 01:31:16,143 --> 01:31:17,227 - Whoa! - What? 2177 01:31:17,311 --> 01:31:18,312 Let's... 2178 01:31:18,395 --> 01:31:19,730 I'm sorry. 2179 01:31:20,063 --> 01:31:22,191 Obviously not the direction of the song, right? 2180 01:31:22,274 --> 01:31:25,152 I totally misread that song. My apologies. 2181 01:31:25,736 --> 01:31:27,070 Okay, so what now? 2182 01:31:27,488 --> 01:31:28,822 Yeah. You guys gotta come with me. 2183 01:31:28,906 --> 01:31:30,073 To where? 2184 01:31:32,159 --> 01:31:34,495 We gotta make America happen, bro. 2185 01:31:37,372 --> 01:31:38,665 Ready for another dip? 2186 01:31:38,749 --> 01:31:40,125 You know, you're not gonna be super welcome there, 2187 01:31:40,209 --> 01:31:41,668 -but we should totally go. - I know. 2188 01:31:41,752 --> 01:31:43,003 - Are we going? - Yeah. 2189 01:31:43,712 --> 01:31:45,339 ( ALL SCREAMING ) 2190 01:31:48,008 --> 01:31:50,427 You're a fucking nerd 2191 01:31:50,511 --> 01:31:52,721 And no one likes you 2192 01:31:52,804 --> 01:31:55,349 You're a fucking nerd 2193 01:31:55,432 --> 01:31:57,476 And no one likes you 2194 01:31:57,935 --> 01:31:59,186 ( ALL CHEERING ) 2195 01:31:59,520 --> 01:32:00,979 Adam saved Lincoln! 2196 01:32:01,063 --> 01:32:04,274 That parade was the single greatest moment of my life. 2197 01:32:04,358 --> 01:32:05,442 More so than saving Lincoln? 2198 01:32:05,526 --> 01:32:07,110 No, that was the third greatest moment of my life. 2199 01:32:07,194 --> 01:32:08,153 What was the second? 2200 01:32:08,237 --> 01:32:09,821 A parade I attended as a child. 2201 01:32:14,743 --> 01:32:15,786 Oh, shit, you guys. 2202 01:32:15,869 --> 01:32:17,704 I left my phone back in the 1800s. 2203 01:32:17,871 --> 01:32:19,373 I fed some gum to a dinosaur. 2204 01:32:19,540 --> 01:32:21,375 As long as we're coming clean, I fucked Marilyn Monroe. 2205 01:32:21,542 --> 01:32:22,668 ( SCOFFING ) 2206 01:32:22,751 --> 01:32:24,586 Yeah. Sure you did, buddy. 2207 01:32:28,549 --> 01:32:30,551 Who's a nerd now, motherfuckers, huh? 2208 01:32:30,717 --> 01:32:31,927 I'm Arthur Miller. 2209 01:32:33,220 --> 01:32:34,388 Oh, come... Come on! 2210 01:32:40,519 --> 01:32:41,478 You look like... 2211 01:32:41,562 --> 01:32:43,230 - Come on, baby. You got this. - Let him do it. 2212 01:32:43,313 --> 01:32:44,898 - Let him do it. - JACOB: We'll let him do it. 2213 01:32:44,982 --> 01:32:46,775 Come on. Something fucked something to make it happen. 2214 01:32:46,858 --> 01:32:49,111 It's easy. You just mash two things up together 2215 01:32:49,194 --> 01:32:50,153 and then you nail him with it. 2216 01:32:50,237 --> 01:32:52,906 You look like... Kevin Yardley! 2217 01:32:53,073 --> 01:32:54,449 Who the fuck is Kevin Yardley? 2218 01:32:54,658 --> 01:32:56,868 A guy I went to high school with. Yeah, he looks just like him. 2219 01:32:56,952 --> 01:32:59,621 Boo! You suck at this! 2220 01:33:04,751 --> 01:33:06,878 I just get sick of explaining it to him. 2221 01:33:06,962 --> 01:33:08,755 How hard is it to understand time travel? 2222 01:33:08,839 --> 01:33:11,300 I mean, we get it. E equals MC squared. 2223 01:33:11,383 --> 01:33:12,926 Einstein's a stupid fucking idiot. 2224 01:33:13,010 --> 01:33:14,011 - Right? - Yeah. 2225 01:33:14,094 --> 01:33:15,596 ( CROWD CHEERING ) 2226 01:33:17,598 --> 01:33:19,850 ED SULLIVAN: Ladies and gentlemen, the Beatles! 2227 01:33:22,019 --> 01:33:23,395 ( ALL LAUGHING ) 2228 01:33:23,478 --> 01:33:25,147 You're fucking Ringo! 2229 01:33:25,272 --> 01:33:26,273 Damn it. 2230 01:33:29,651 --> 01:33:32,988 MAN: Apple is going to reinvent the phone. 2231 01:33:36,533 --> 01:33:37,534 Explain yourself. 2232 01:33:37,618 --> 01:33:38,910 I will not. 2233 01:33:39,786 --> 01:33:40,787 I'm Nick Webber. 2234 01:33:40,871 --> 01:33:41,872 I'm Jacob Dorchen. 2235 01:33:41,955 --> 01:33:43,415 I'm Adam Yates Stedmeyer. 2236 01:33:43,498 --> 01:33:44,625 I'm Lou Dorchen. 2237 01:33:44,708 --> 01:33:49,046 All that and one less minute tonight on 59 Minutes. 2238 01:33:50,505 --> 01:33:52,758 ( MEN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY ON RADIO ) 2239 01:33:55,010 --> 01:33:57,179 - Yes! - BOTH: The moon! 2240 01:33:57,346 --> 01:33:59,473 First man to save a President and go into space. 2241 01:33:59,556 --> 01:34:01,475 It was just a soundstage in New Mexico. 2242 01:34:01,558 --> 01:34:03,143 It wasn't real. 2243 01:34:06,146 --> 01:34:07,189 ( BELL DINGING ) 2244 01:34:11,193 --> 01:34:12,653 LOU: You knew that was gonna happen! 2245 01:34:12,736 --> 01:34:14,363 What did I keep saying? Protect the ears. 2246 01:34:14,446 --> 01:34:15,781 He was beating the shit out of me! 2247 01:34:16,490 --> 01:34:18,241 ANNOUNCER: Dorchen does it again! 2248 01:34:19,368 --> 01:34:20,911 Unbelievable! 2249 01:34:22,245 --> 01:34:24,665 Nothing but net. Nothing but net. 2250 01:34:24,831 --> 01:34:26,875 - You're just gonna keep saying... - Nothing but net! 2251 01:34:31,880 --> 01:34:34,508 ( SINGING ) You're a fucking nerd 2252 01:34:34,883 --> 01:34:37,052 Come on. No way! I had sex with Marilyn Monroe! 2253 01:34:37,344 --> 01:34:38,887 - You're a fucking nerd - You're a nerd. You're a nerd 2254 01:34:39,179 --> 01:34:40,347 Stop singing the song! 2255 01:34:40,514 --> 01:34:41,848 - Nobody likes you - Poindexter 2256 01:34:42,015 --> 01:34:44,059 I won't listen to this song one more fuckin' time! 2257 01:34:44,351 --> 01:34:45,394 No, no! 2258 01:34:51,149 --> 01:34:53,026 ( UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING ) 165257

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