Original subtitles

You didn't take her, did ya? - I didn't what?

Harry's daughter. She's gone missing. You didn't take her, did you?

Why would I do that? That mope. Take her where? Chessington Zoo to see the monkeys?

Oh, good! No, good! I put two and two together

and came up with all sorts, didn't I?

They said you stopped by this morning but you stormed off

I did stop by this morning but storm off. His

dreary missus was doing my fucking head in

What did you storm off for? I thought you were going to try to get a room

I was, but I changed my mind at the last minute. And d'you know why, Syd?

Because I am my own man. I do my own thing. Like Nietzsche

Do you know who that is?

Aye - No, you don't

I thought the plan was to get a room - You thought the what was?

The plan was - The plan? What plan? There is no plan

There's a sort of plan - What sort of plan is this, pray tell?

Plan to take that bigshot bastard down a peg or two.

Plan to scare the living daylights out of him...

...so next time he'll think twice before

shopping his mates to Prison Commissioners...

...over one single cock joke in the heat of the moment

That was the plan, was it? That was a great plan

I'm sitting here having a beefburger with Field Marshal Montgomery

I were there planting seeds in his mind all afternoon - Were ya? Seeds?

But then I heard about his Shirley going missing,

so I got out of there sharpish. I got worried

I thought, Christ, he hasn't gone that far, has he?

What seeds were these? - Seeds about Hennessy business,

and all that stuff you said about dates coinciding - Dates do coincide

And me being visited by a creepy-looking fella... menacing-looking fella

Menacing, not creepy. Did you say menacing or creepy? - Menacing

I don't look creepy, do I?

No. You? No. Menacing - Yes, I was gonna say

And how did it all go with your seeds? Did they

all bloom into little Northern rhododendrons?

Well it went champion, for a time, he seemed shook

But I thought he were shook about creepy lad - menacing lad renting his room out,

not menacing lad taking his Shirley away. That's too menacing, in't it?

That stupid mope, she's probably gone off to visit

her mate in that mental home and not told no one

You're not allowed visit mental homes, are ya?

I don't believe so. I've never tried. I'm sure I will one day

What, when you finally go bonkers?

No, when my mum does

Oh. Is she troubled, your mam?

I wouldn't say she's troubled but she's never been fucking normal

But you can get away with anything when you've the

cash, can't you? Money talks, I've always found

Aye. I dunno. I never had none. Especially after Harry bloody Wade stuck his oar in

Any road, aye, it were going grand although he

weren't really going for it proper at the outset,

he's got such a thick bloody hide, don't he? He

thinks he's never done a thing wrong in his life

So I sort of... had to start sort of embellishing things a bit towards the end

Embellishing, did you say?

Aye. Adding to the details of, like - I know what embellishing is

Y'know, I said, y'know, about the Lowestoft girl that had been attacked,

I said that the menacing lad had... sort of...

...shown us photos of her. On the beach, there

Say that again? I mean... Say that again?

Photos, aye. I probably went too far with that, didn't I? I thought that after

I thought, that goes a bit further than 'He's been

menacing', don't it? Or 'That's vague hearsay'

That goes more like 'He's shown me actual evidence

that connects him to a specific crime', doesn't it?

It does, doesn't it, Syd? - Yes. As I say, I realized that after

I feel like I'm the accomplice of a former chimpanzee

Well, you'll just have to go back and tell him you were mistaken, won't you?

Well I can't do that, can I? Then I'd be in trouble - Hmm. Let me think...

I think you've fucked everything up, now, haven't you?

Let me think. Let me work this out and see if

you have fucked everything up or not. Hang on

Well, I... - No, don't talk. I am thinking

I thought things might get tricky after I heard

their silly daughter went and got lost,

'cos they dote on that girl

She didn't get lost, did she? I've got her in a garage

in Formby. Now let me think. Let me plan this out

You've what, Peter? You've what? Formby?

Yes, it's by the seaside. Now, if I walk into that pub

right now, what will their attitude toward me be?

Not, as planned, that I am a vaguely menacing individual

who turned up saying some vaguely menacing things...

...at vaguely the same time their daughter went missing

and who by all means requires a vague eye being kept on

No, that I was definitely involved in an attack on a girl a year ago,

carried out on the anniversary of the hanging of a man...

...who was definitely hanged by a man whose daughter has just definitely gone missing

A daughter who I was definitely seen having a chat with this morning

This morning definitely being the second

anniversary of the hanging of said first man

There's a few too many 'definitely's in there, ain't there, Syd?

There's nothing 'vaguely menacing' in there, is there?

There's nothing v-vaguely menacing about having

a girl in a garage in Formby either, is there?

No, there isn't, is there? That's quite specific,

isn't it, 'a girl in a garage in Formby'

That's quite specifically menacing

You've made me quite sick, now. I were worrying about this all the way over

Were ya? All the way over? And in the rain

And now it's true. What's she doing there? What have you done to her?

Nothing really, she's just hanging about

No, literally, I stood her on her tiptoes on a

family-size box of Weetabix with a noose round her neck

I tried Rice Krispies first, but they kept bursting.

It's in their nature, isn't it, Rice Krispies. Too airy

Weetabix are more sturdy, although I do hope she doesn't sneeze

I won't tell you exactly where the garage is, eh

Syd? Keep things on a need-to-know basis, eh?

What else did you do to her?

Like I said, need-to-know basis. Don't worry,

I may have my quirks but I'm not an animal

Or am I? One for the courts to discuss

Talking of which, or not talking of which, I met Hennessy once, d'you know?

I never told you that, did I? When I picked

you out. You met him once and I met him once

I picked you out... How'd you pick me out?

My meeting was more pleasant than your meeting, of course. He survived my meeting

I met him outside a B+B in Walthamstow. I was going out, he was coming in

He was coming in with quite an ugly tart, and I remember thinking at the time,

'James, if you're going to the trouble of paying for a

tart, there's absolutely no need to go for an ugly one'

'You do have a say in the matter. We're not in Scotland'

He tried to sell me an Aston Martin for sixty quid

Well, I knew it wasn't his, he had a pyjamas top on instead of a shirt

I thought, 'That car's not yours, you're not even

dressed the part.' Pyjamas top, selling a sports car

Attention to detail was not one of Hennessy's strong

points. Still, you don't deserve to hang for it, do you?

Or do you? Poor old Hennessy, I feel quite sorry for him. He couldn't rape mud

You've made me sick to my stomach, you have

You do look a little pale. But that's your problem, isn't

it, your poor tummy. That's nothing to do with me

It is to do with you. It's all your fault

It is my fault, isn't it? I'd have to admit that.

If there's one thing you can say about me,

if there's one thing I've learned in the years since Hennessy went down,

it's that, these days, I do know when to hold up my

hand and say fair enough, that was my fault, that was

Although you're still partially culpable with this Shirley one, aren't ya?

What am I going to do now? I don't know what to do

That's your look-out, isn't it? More importantly, what am I going to do now?

Do I walk back into that pub as if I own the place, just for the laugh?

Do I go back to the garage, have another tickle?

Or do I say balls to all this and go back to London and civilization?

It's at times like this I ask myself 'What would

Hennessy do?' And the answer is always the same:

'Something stupid that would get myself

executed, so don't do that, do the opposite'

Hmm. Pub? Garage? Home? Choices, choices, choices. I'll see you, Syd

I'll go to the police! - You can't, can you, Syd?

Culpable. Unfortunately

I'm glad I brought my umbrella! I'm always thinking ahead, me

Well, this were the most recent of her, but it might be too blurry

It is a bit blurry, in't it?

I think she were jumping up to catch something. I can't see what

It's a cake

It is a cake. Why was our Shirley jumping up to catch a cake?

Do you have anything closer to her face, Mrs Wade? Perhaps a school one?

I do. I've one in her uniform at St Margaret's, although she were only eleven

Don't cry, lass. There's nowt wrong yet, is there?

No, I know - She's only been gone a few hours, really

It's just sad looking at her when she were so young and sweet-looking, in't it?

She's still young and sweet-looking, isn't she?

She is, aye. If she comes back safe I won't care how much she eats

Or mopes - Or mopes

He said she were mopey yesterday, to her face

I didn't - You did

Well so did you, if we're pointing fingers - I didn't. I waited till she'd gone

I think I'll go with the school one, over the jumping up one

Aye, go for that one. She's more still in that one

Jumping up for a cake. You're supposed to jump up for a ball

Well, it doesn't matter what you jump up

for, does it, as long as you come home safe

She could jump up for a banana for all I care - I know, love. I know

Well, I'll try to get this in for the final editions,

Mr Wade, but failing that, first thing in morning

Thanks, lad, and thanks again for the article

this morning, it were right good, weren't it?

I'm glad you liked it. I wasn't sure if you would

Of course I liked it. It were forthright. Opinions. No cocking about, me!

Mr Pierrepoint hasn't been round to punch you in the nose, has he?

That queer? I'd like to see poof try

Albert Pierrepoint were always lovely to me - Oh, give over

Did you like the interview, Mrs Wade?

We're here for our Shirley, aren't we? Not interviews

Aye. Aye - I'll walk you to door, lad

And you go easy on that gin! - It's my gin

It'll be all right, won't it? Our Shirley?

Oh, of course, Harry, I've no doubt. I mean,

she's not even missing technically, is she?

She's probably just gone off on her own for a bit

She's probably just gone off in a mood, in't she? Something her mam said

Aye. Anyways, I'll get these in. I'll see ya - I'll see ya, lad

You mind that rain

D'you remember when she were five, Harry?

No, no. Don't start that - Start what?

That 'remember when she were five' shite, like she's dead or summat

I wasn't...

She's not dead, she's fine, she's just gone off moping like a fool,

and she'll get a hiding when she gets back, so let's go with that, all right?

Smiles on, gruff exterior, let's get this pub open. Right?

Oh, can't we stay closed for one night, Harry?

Course we can't. It'd be like something's

wrong, 'stay closed'. And nowt's wrong, is it?

Something's wrong. I know it in my heart

Aye, the cheery angel voice of the hopeful fucking bright-side

Don't say owt to this crowd, any road, we don't

need everybody knowing our business, do we?

I don't care who knows

Oh, stone me... No wonder she turned out a mope with you about

Fix yourself up, Alice. Put that gin away

Mind that bloody umbrella, Bill, you pisshead!

You got water all down me bloody neck now

Oh sorry, Alice, I didn't see you there, I were saying to Bill

Hello, lads!

Pints all round, is it? - It is

Aye, we're parched - Despite the rain!

By, Harry, there in't a soul in town in't read that article of yours

There was a coloured lad int' bookies, well, I don't usually talk to him

He comes up, he says 'You know that Harry Wade fella, don't ya?'

I said 'So what if I do, what's it to do wi' you?'

He says 'Let me shake your hand, that were the best

article I've ever seen printed in that newspaper'

I said 'Well thank you, I agree' - That's great, Bill. That's great

Aye, it's... vicariously, in't it?

He's often in there. I don't mind him, I just

don't talk to him, like, y'know? He's black

Did you have any winners, Bill?

No... Bastards

I had a fourth. Miss Pixie - And you don't get nowt for a fourth, do ya?

Well, it depends on the size of the field, don't

it? You do get summat if field's big enough

How big were field for your fourth? - Well... aye, five

Five? You didn't come fourth, you just didn't come last! Five!

What were it? - Just horse-racing stuff you wouldn't get

How much did you have on it? - Well, aye... tuppence

Tuppence? The last of the big bloody spenders!

Tuppence! Miss bloody Pixie! Fourth out of five!

Well, I don't have a lot of money to spend on horses, do I?

I can see you don't - 'Cos I spend it all bloody in here, don't I?

Because I'm a bloody alcoholic, aren't I? I know that! You don't have to bloody say it

What are you talking about, Bill? You're not alcoholic. You just like a drink, you

You just like a drink, Bill, aye

What were it?

Bill's saying he's alcoholic. We're saying, 'You're

not alcoholic. You just like a drink, like', y'know?

But he is alcoholic, Bill, in't he?

He's not Arthur, shush. If he's alcoholic, we all are

Aye, well, I were fine, drink-wise, weren't I? Before me wife left me...

Oh Bill, look, I don't want to hear any of this

tonight, all right, I've me own problems. All right?

And, no, you weren't fine before your wife left

you, that's why she left you, your drinking

So just have another pint and stop worrying, lad

Life's too short to be listening to your

problems. Give lad a drink ont' house. Christ!

On what? Ont' house?

Oh, thanks, Harry! That's right nice, I'll have a Scotch

You'll have a half and be glad - I'll have a half, Alice

Drinks on't house from Harry Wade! Blimey, who's died?

No-one's died. Fool

Ay-yi-yi! - Howdo, Inspector

No, we checked the mental home in Burnley

They said no-one came calling round there, so that's that ruled out, unfortunately

Shall we talk about this upstairs, Inspector?

- Eh? Why? I were going to have a pint

And we've issued a description of the Southern lad throughout county, so...

So why don't we do that, George, we'll talk about this upstairs

Upstairs, I says, and I won't say it again. I'll lead the way with your pint

All right? Follow me. Upstairs

Everything all right, Alice? - Oh aye, aye. Can't complain, y'know?

How's your Shirley, she all right?

No, no, she's been sort of missing since morning

We were hoping she might've tried to go to Burnley

to try to see her mate Phyllis in that home there

Aye, no, Inspector just said she didn't, didn't

he? No - Aye. No. So we're a bit worried, now

Well, we were worried before. We're more worried now. Well, I am

Don't be worried, Alice. She's a good head on her, in't

she, your Shirley? She's very smart and she's very kind

She is, in't she, Bill? - Aye. I'm sure she'll be fine

You hope she'll be fine. You're not sure she'll be fine, 'cos you don't know

The odds are, Arthur, she'll be fine. All right? - Aye

Although Inspector seemed worried

Inspector seemed fine, Arthur. He just has one of them faces

Harry seemed worried. He don't have one of them faces. He's usually upbeat

Aye, but we're all a bit worried, in't we? - Aye. You said

'Worry', it's a good thing, in't it, 'worry'? It means

you love her, don't it, 'worry'? It means you care

Aye, I suppose. I'm off for a wee, anyways, I were holding it

By heck, Charlie lad... - I know

Sometimes I just don't know where he's going with these things, do you?

I know he's half deaf but Christ, 'Inspector seemed worried'

He don't mean nowt, do he? - That's the thing, Alice, he don't mean nowt at all

Then you come away from a night with him thinking the world's just bloody ended

My world would end, if it were true

Don't think that way, Alice love. She'll come

walking through that door any second...

Cor, what a miserable rainy day! What is it about the North of England and rain?

Now, I know what you're going to say, Mrs Wade... Hello, lads

Now, I know what you're going to say, Mrs Wade,

you're going to say 'What's that git doing back

here when he stormed off so rude this morning, '

'effing and blinding about my husband and all the people he hung?'

Let alone my giving you all that rubbish about

how sneaky you were phoning up my references...

...when why shouldn't you phone up my references?

It's your room, isn't it? It's your phone

Why shouldn't you phone up my references? And

why shouldn't you do it behind my back?

You don't have a phone down here, do you? I realized that afterwards

So why shouldn't you phone up my references behind my back?

Also, maybe you wanted to ask my references some

tricky questions it'd be best me not hearing,

and why shouldn't you?

Why shouldn't you ask my references some

tricky questions it'd be best me not hearing?

Y'know, things like 'Do I pay up on time? Do I play music loud? Am I normal?'

Things any landlady would require answering,

let alone the mother of a pretty young girl

So I've brought my references back for you, here they are,

and I just wanted to say that I am still interested

in the room if you're still interested in me

I'll have a pint while you think about it, and whatever the boys are having,

'cos I've come into a little bit of pocket money since we last chatted

Oh, that's right kind of ya, lad - Aye, ta

No... No

No what, Mrs Wade? You're just saying 'No', aren't you?

I'll have to... my husband's upstairs... - Is he? Upstairs? Good for him!

I'll have to talk to my husband

But he's upstairs, isn't he? We're down here. Why

don't you talk to him after you get the pints?

Why don't you do that? We're parched

And the customer is always right, of course.

I wasn't right this morning, though, was I?

I was well wrong. My language was the least of it. Coupled with that was my attitude

It was early, though, I'm not at my best in the mornings. Are you?

Our friend Arthur's int' loo, but I'm sure he'd

be happy to have a pint with ya too, Mr...?

All right. You're pushing it a little bit with that,

aren't you, but all right. A pint for Arthur too

Is the room still free then, Mrs Wade, did you say? - No. Not to you

Not to me? You haven't forgiven me, have you?

I can see that now. I can see it in your face. In your lovely old face

My language was reprehensible, I know, but I'm not

like that when you get to know me. I'm quite mild

Your pints are there. I've to go and see my husband now

But you haven't poured Arthur's pint yet, have you?

He'll be seething when he comes back from the loo

to find himself left out. Pour Arthur's pint

Arthur don't seethe. He's too deaf to - Well, that's nothing to do with me, is it?

And why don't you get yourself a nice big

gin, Alice? So we can let bygones be bygones

I'm sure it's a lovely room. The room was never the issue

I don't want a gin. Not from you

What's going on, Alice? - What's going on?

I remember this lad. He's new - And I remember you, Arthur. Cheers!

You're the Babycham man

No, I'm not the Babycham man. I had all this

yesterday. I've never touched Babycham in my life

No, you bring the Babycham

I don't do anything with the Babycham! You've got the wrong man

It's a different man brings the Babycham,

Arthur. The Babycham Man brings the Babycham

Who are you, then? - I'm just a bloke, aren't I?

I'm hopefully the future lodger. If things pan out. That's all I am

He's bought you a pint, any road, Arthur lad. So just be nice to him

No. You don't have to be nice to him

He's got something to do with our Shirley going missing. I know that. I'm not daft

I know what's happened. Oh, here he is now, you

don't have to go and get him now, do you?

Save your old legs going upstairs. I know what's happened

Someone's been chatting with my old friend Syd Armfield, haven't they?

Someone's been chatting - Hello Inspector, hello Mr Wade -

Someone's been chatting with my old assistant-hangman

friend Syd Armfield, haven't they?

What the hell's this?

He just came in and he started chatting, Harry, and I were just about to fetch you

Yes, Alice is right. I just came to apologise for how rude I was this morning

She had every right to phone up my references.

I said that to myself after I stormed off,

I said to myself 'Why shouldn't she phone up my references? Why shouldn't she?'

What the hell else are you supposed to do with references?

You could write to them, like in the olden days,

but that'd take ages, wouldn't it, defeat the object. I can see you

All right, all right, enough of this. Where's our Shirley?

Keep calm, Harry. We'll be fine now. It'll all be fine now

Your daughter Shirley? The mopey one? She not about?

- I were just about to come get ya, Harry...

Shut up - Don't talk to your wife like that, old man

I know you're the hangman and everything, but fucking hell! Y'know? Fuck me

What's your name? - Me? My name? Mooney. What's your name?

Fry. Chief Inspector Fry - Nice name. Big shot. Small Fry. You decide

Enjoying that pint, are ya?

I'll say yes to that question to save an argument,

but if I'm being completely honest, Harry,

and I don't know if it's a Northern thing but

this particular pint is a little bit pissy

It's a little bit... how shall I put this? It

has a little bit the hint of piss about it

Maybe it's your pipes, I don't know how that

sort of thing works. How's your pint, Arthur?

It's all right, mine - It's all right, is it?

Bit warm - Bit warm, but not pissy. Good combo!

Where've you been since twelve this afternoon, Mr Mooney?

Good question, and by the looks on your faces,

and by the whadyacall hanging in the air, the tension or whatever,

I am thinking Mr Syd Armfield, former assistant hangman

and sometime vague pervert, has been chatting with you

Would that be correct, Harry? - It's Mr Wade to you

Oh play the game, old man. It's a revelation,

isn't it, that me and Syd are on friendly terms?

No. He told me you came to see him two day ago

I know, and I showed him a bunch of photos about the

blah blah Lowestoft blah blah. All made up, of course

No, I'm talking about half an hour ago

Yeah, I just had dinner with Syd half an hour ago. You didn't know that, did you?

Burger and chips I had, and I'm not being funny, it's

not just the drink up North that's piss-fucking-rotten

How can anybody muck up burger and chips? I mean, how? It's burger and chips!

Even the beans were rank. How can you muck up baked beans?

You only have to open the can, surely? That's all

I do. I don't know what people around here do

Not from around these parts, are ya, Mr Mooney?

- We've established I'm not, Inspector. Keep up

Where are you from, then?

Boy, you're a good policeman! Isn't he, Bill?

You owe me a drink, Bill, I haven't forgotten

I'm from down South, me, aren't I? Norfolk area. Hennessy territory. That direction

Lowestoft way, would it be? - No, never been to Lowestoft

Oh no? How comes? - It's all just riff-raff, Lowestoft

How would you know if you've never been?

I've never been to Africa, but I know it's full of monkeys

And spiders

And spiders. Big ones. Triantulars

So Lowestoft is riff-raff, but you're not riff-raff?

Well, riff-raff is in the eye of the beholder,

isn't it? It depends who's judging, doesn't it?

If you and Harry were judging, no way am I the riff-raff, compared to you and Harry,

because you're from the North. So it depends who's judging, doesn't it?

If Soren Kierkegaard were judging then, yes,

compared to Soren, probably I am the riff-raff

If Soren was feeling particularly judgmental that day.

Or normal judgmental, I'm not sure what he was like

Have you read much Kierkegaard? Has that question ever been asked in Oldham?

I haven't read much Kierkegaard, I haven't read

any, I choose not to. I just like his funny name

A lot of philosophers have funny names, don't they? How'd that happen?

Talking of riff-raff, my old friend Syd

Armfield would be the king of the riff-raff

Of course he's not my friend, is he? That's patently clear

I hardly know the man, but neither is he the

innocent Northern bumble-fuck he purports to be

In fact, if it's true that your daughter's gone missing,

and by your face and your manner I'm assuming it is true,

well, I wouldn't start pointing fingers at a bloke who, although vaguely menacing,

has walked right into your pub for a drink and a chat,

and a bag of peanuts, actually, which I forgot

before, could I have a bag of peanuts, Alice?

No, you can't have any peanuts

I'd point my finger, or, if not point my finger, because it's rude to point,

I'd do an 'Indicate with my eyebrows' towards the

individual who hasn 't walked into my pub,

and who does have a criminal conviction for pervy things. I don't, you see?

I don't have a criminal conviction for anything

You, copper, I forgot your name already, you can look that up

Peter Aloysius Mooney. No convictions for nothing

That doesn't mean I haven't done nothing, of course

It just means if I do do things, I'm quite good

at doing them, and I get away with doing them

That, or, y'know, it's a made-up name

May I have the floor please, Mr Mooney? You have been chatting for quite some time

It's your floor, Harry, you can do what you want with it, can't you?

Jesus Christ, Harry! - Where is she? I already asked you civil

I didn't expect this kind of behaviour from a hangman. I expected a cultured debate

Oh, for God's sake, man...

Harry! - Shut it!

There's only one word for what you're being now.

Riff-raff! Well, two words, isn't it, hyphenated...

Pass me the barrel rope, Alice

We're taking him down station, Harry, and questioning him there

Take your hands off me. I'm quite calm. I'm getting him a chair

Bill, go lock that door. You, one more time...

Where is she?

I never thought I'd say this but, boy, I could do with a Babycham right now

Sydney. Perfect timing - No, I were just popping me head in...

Come over here. Bill, lock that door - No, I can't stay

Harry! - You, shut it, you've been useless all day

Alice, a towel for Syd and pints for everyone, ont' house

By heck, lads!

Syd? This fella says you and him are old mates

and you ate together tonight, is that right?

Course it ain't right, Harry. This is the fella I were

telling you about, came to see me with them photos

Get me something to strap his arms, Alice. What have we?

We've an arm strap - Perfect

What were it?

An arm strap - Perfect

Don't do that, I've got a bad wrist

You'll have worse than a bad wrist when this is over - Will I? You will

Where's our Shirley? Eh? - Ask him, he knows

I don't know. How would I know? You know

You know what'd be great right now, Syd? A family-size

box of Weetabix, d'you know where I could get one?

Lad's a bloody loon! Get ahold of him!

Get him up ont' chair

Oh, you're having a laugh, aren't ya? I mean, it

was funny before but this is getting silly now

Want the light on, Harry? - Yes please, Arthur

Blimey!

Harry! For Christ's sake, man! - Calm down, George

So it's all right to do this down cop shop but

not all right to do it down pub, is that right?

When have I ever done this down cop shop? - Well,

maybe you should start, you might solve summat

Where's our Shirley? - I can't speak

Where's our Shirley? - The name rings a bell

You've two more chances. The third time I'll

take the chair away and that'll be that,

and we'll go out and look for her ourselves. All

right? Now, is she somewhere in Oldham still?

I can't breathe

You can breathe. You only need a little air,

really, it's surprising how little you need

It's your vertebrae you want to be worried

about. Now, is she somewhere in Oldham still?

Ask him if he's got her out somewhere like near

the seaside, like out Formby way or somewhere

Do you have her out near the seaside or somewhere? - Like out Formby way

Like out Formby way? - Like maybe in a garage?

You're a bunch of bloody nincompoops!

Right, that is it, Harry. I'm calling round a squad car

I was always harder than you. I tolerate you, but you're nowt

So shut your fucking face. All right?

I heard that one

This is your last chance, lad. I'm talking quietly now 'cos I know you can hear me

'Cos my voice is all you've got now, in't it? It's all you've got left to hang on to

It might be the last voice you ever hear. Don't let it be, lad. Don't let it be

Where is she?

She's... She's... - Aye?

She's up shit creek... and I don't think she's got a paddle...

...which is very dangerous... 'cos she was never a lightweight girl, was she?

Open bloody up!

Lower him back ont' chair!

It's bloody stuck

And stick summat in his gob to stop him yapping! And cover him up!

Open bloody up, it's pissing down out here, and

I know you're there, I can see you moving

I know who that is - I bloody do too. Move!

Oh, hello, Mr Pierrepoint. What brings you to Oldham?

Alice, I don't mean to be rude but it's your husband my business is with tonight

Hello, Albert. It's Albert Pierrepoint, everybody!

Don't 'Hello Albert Pierrepoint everybody' me, ya bloody

bastard, and don't introduce us to your cronies neither,

'cos if they drink in your pub they must be the dregs of the bloody earth

Look at them, they are the dregs of the bloody earth!

Now I were handed today a certain newspaper opinion piece...

...that were printed in a rag called The Oldham Gazette

It's not an opinion piece, it's an interview. 'An opinion piece'...

I don't care what it bloody is

And it in't a rag, it's a good newspaper, in't it, lads? The best in Oldham!

It's one of them, aye - I don't really read it

Can I offer you a drink, Albert?

No, Alice, I'm not stopping. I just came in to say me piece

Well say your piece then go, then. We're busy

What did you just say?

Didn't say nowt, Albert. Just... we were in the middle of summat

What were you in the middle of?

Being a whiny, insecure, dicky-bow wearing fuckpig

who was never any good at his fucking job?

No. Other things. Weren't we, Inspector? Other things

Oh, hello, Inspector Fry - Hello, Albert

You're one of his cronies now too, are ya?

I'm not. And I said he shouldn't've done that interview, neither

Here, George...

All right, I'll let you off hook. It's this toe-rag I'm after

Does the word 'sacrosanct' mean anything to you, Wade?

Oh 'sacrosanct sacrosanct sacrosanct'! It's

always 'sacrosanct' when it suits you knobs

It's 'spilling the beans' when I do it! It's

'running away with meself when I do it

Well two words, Pierrepoint. Jealous. Git.

Just 'cos you're not hangman no more and I am

You're not hangman no more neither, Harry - I wouldn't be so sure of that, Albert

Now say your piece and get going, 'cos my friends and I are very busy people

Oh, hello, Syd, I didn't see ya there - Hello, Albert

Standing in corners like a mouse, is it?

I suppose

Pull us up that chair will ya, Syd. This might take a minute and me back's bad

This chair? - Aye, any chair

Here, Mr Pierrepoint, this one's a cushion on it - Ta, lad

Often when I think of you, Harry Wade... - Oh, bloody hell

...my mind harks back to one of our first jobs together

That anarchist lad we did in Pentonville in the

'40s, d'you remember? French lad, big mop o' hair?

Vaguely

I remember him. I remember him clearly

I remember looking in on him through spyhole

throughout night, that night that was to be his last

He couldn't communicate with his warders, of course, he was French,

but at each tolling of the church bell

throughout night, his final night on Earth,

he'd count off on his fingers the hour they tolled

If it were two he'd count two, if it were four he'd count four,

but then he'd keep on counting, counting on

up to eight, the hour of his impending doom

Then he'd point to himself, then he'd point skywards, then he'd smile

And with each passing hour he'd do same

Count the hour... Count to eight...

Point to himself... Point to Heaven... Smile

He'd killed a man robbing a jewellers in Clerkenwell, a stupid crime, the usual,

yet I thought then, and I think now,

that there were more integrity in the finger that doomed

Frenchman pointed to a Heaven he didn't believe in...

...than you, Harry Wade, had in the entirety of your

shitty, fat, nondescript, Oldham publican's fucking life

Not only is your pub shite, you were a shite hangman an' all

My pub's not shite, my pub's great,

I were a better hangman than you on top of it, and everyone agrees, don't ya, lads …?

With your bow ties and your bowler hat and your fat fucking

grin. I'd pity the murderer who'd wind up with you at

door, I would! Throughout years, I would! 'Oh great, I'm

off to die and me hangman's a fat fucking circus clown!'

I'm surprised none of them complained!

I had no complaints, I can tell you that!

I'm surprised none of them asked for me!

Why would they ask for you?

Like you're bloody famous or summat! Cos you're not!

Well, he is. - Shut up!

He's most famous one.

Fucking bow ties!

You were always late! Always complaining about

the food! You never did any Germans …!

I were busy that week!

! I were busy that week! It were Grand National Week!

It were more than a week, Wade. It were a war.

You were a coward then, you're a coward now

A bluff, arrogant, stupid coward.

I always felt sorry for Alice for having to put up with ya.

Aye, because you always bloody fancied her, didn't ya?!

No. No, I never fancied her. I'm sorry, Alice, but your Harry's brought this up.

I always thought she were a pleasant woman,

but I never thought she were pretty or owt.

I were always happy with my Anne, you see? I were never that type of man. You were...

'Grand National Week'

Alright, I may've never hung any Nazis,

but at least my hair doesn't smell!

Your hair does! It stinks!

My hair doesn't smell.

It does. It always did. It smells of death.

Anyone'd tell ya if you bothered to ask them.

Smell my hair.

Smell my hair.

Smell my hair.

Smell my hair.

What does my hair smell of?

Brylcreem. - Brylcreem

I weren't allowed smell it, were I?

Stale Brylcreem, aye

Don't smell of death though, do it, Harry?

Don't smell of death though, do it, Harry? - No. Just stale Brylcreem

If there's a smell of death around here, in't off me

No more interviews. All right? And no more talking behind my back. All right?

All right, Albert, all right. I just lost run of meself,

didn't I? It won't happen again. You can go now

All right. No need to rush me, is there? I only just arrived

I had to get two buses

I'll see ya, Alice love. Sorry it weren't under happier circumstances

See ya, Albert. I never had a problem with ya. It were him

Just go if you're going!

And give my love to your Shirley. She must be right big by now

Oh Jesus! - Bloody hell!

Oh no. Oh no. Oh no...

Nope. Dead

Oh heck. Oh bloody hell. What the hell do we do now?

What we do now is you start talking, Syd. You know

something about all this that we don't, don't ya?

I don't

You know something about Formby, you know something about garages,

and you know something about Shirley going missing - I don't. I don't know nowt!

Then we'll do this down cop shop, shall we? - Cop shop? I'm not going down cop shop

Why don't we just chat pleasant while we drive around somewhere?

Somewhere seaside-y, maybe... y'know, like, I don't know, Formby or somewheres...

and see if we happen to pass any garages or owt...

and see if we can hear, y'know, anybody talking loud

or... shouting or, y'know... choking, or owt...

O-O-On the off chance, like? - You aren't being serious

He in't being serious - I don't know nowt, Harry! I swear I don't

All right, I know! I know you're going to be

bloody mad and I know it's been hours...

...and I know I should've bloody rung, but I don't bloody care, do I?

I were waiting for me new fella, Peter, yes, Peter, and I

don't care that you don't like him 'cos I do like him,

or I did like him until he never came back,

so more fool me for falling for somebody in one stupid day,

just because he drove me to Burnley, which was

closed, and to the seaside, which was rainy,

and to his place where he was nice to me for

ages, and didn't call me a mope once,

and more fool me for me believing him when he

said he thought I weren't his type at first...

...but he changed his mind when he got to see the real me,

and more fool me for not realizing he only wanted the one thing,

but maybe I only wanted the one thing too, you never

think of that, do ya, that I've got feelings too,

and more fool me for waiting in a train station with tramps for four hours...

...when I knew he wasn't coming after the first two, I'm not stupid, am I?

But then the rain started again and I thought I may

as well keep waiting here as walk home in that,

I'd get drenched, So then two hours turned into four, didn't they,

and I'm bloody here now, aren't I, so can't you

just tell me off tomorrow, Mam, I'm starved

Aye... I'll get your tea now, love

And there's a pudding I made special earlier, we could have that for afters

A pudding? Oh yum, what kind?

Blancmange, your fave - Blancmange! Oh Mam, yum, that's brilliant

Are you not going to tell me off, then? - No, love

Are you mad I've been out with a fella all day?

I don't care, do I? I just love ya, don't I?

Well, I'm mad you've been out with a fella all day

- Aye, well, we don't care about you, do we?

No, we don't care about you, do we, Mam?

'Grand National Week'...

It in't nowt, is it, Mam? - What in't nowt, love?

Sex and that

I thought it'd be all angels and Elvis but it's not, is it,

it's just fumbling and sad and then he doesn't even love ya a half hour after

That's about the size of it, aye

Oh Mam, I know it's wrong but I think I still

love him. D'you think he still likes me?

Why don't we just have a chat about it over our tea?

Well, just don't let her eat all that pudding on her own!

There's other people in this house besides her

Well, I'll be off then - You bloody won't!

You'll help me dump this fella with these lads - With which lads? With us lads?

I'm not helping dump nowt, Wade - Oh, 'Wade' now, is it?

Aye, why don't yous two do it? You can take his

arms, Harry, and you can look at his cock, Syd

I did that once!

We'll see ya, Inspector Fry - See ya, Inspector. See ya, Harry

I'm glad your Shirley's back safe, anyway, Harry. That's the main thing, in't it?

It is, lad. Aye, it is

It would've been awful if she were dead

It would, Arthur. You're right, lad. I'll see you lads tomorrow

See ya, Harry!

You've a car, don't you, George? - No

You do have a car - No, you're wrong, lad

I'm nowt, aren't I? I'm tolerated, aren't I?

'Nowt' and 'tolerated' don't have a car, do they?

You do, you've a Ford Allegra

Good luck, lads

I weren't here. All right?

He was always a lazy fucking bastard. And his wife's a pig

Mooney's got his Morris Minor outside. We

could put him in that, drive him int' canal

We could! Will you do it, Syd? I think I pulled summat hanging him

Aye, all right

What are ya doing?

Car keys - Oh, good...

I still haven't forgiven you for whatever your part in all this was

I just can't figure out what your part was

Well, let's leave it at that then, shall we, let bygones be bygones

We're friends again now, aren't we, Harry? - We're not friends, no

I'm just glad Shirley's not dead, so I've moved on

I'd've hung meself if Shirley were dead, I would

'Hanged'. You'd've 'hanged' yourself if Shirley were dead

You're less of a knob than you used to be. I don't know how

Thanks, Harry. You too

So did he have owt to do with Hennessy killing? I can't work it out

I don't know. I thought not, before, but I don't know what to think now

He were a very strange man, whatever he were

- He in't strange now. He in't nowt now

No. He's just dead now

Aye, Syd. Always the first with the boring bloody

obvious, that was another reason I grew to dislike ya

It weren't just cocks. Although cocks were the biggy

Aye, well, we've moved on from all that now, haven't we, Harry?

Aye, Syd. We have. We've moved on from cocks

Well, it were definitely either him or Hennessy,

weren't it? So, y'know, close enough

Aye, it were more than likely one of them, weren't it? So...

Aye. Or both of them, perhaps. Somehow

Or neither - Aye... or neither

I suppose that's just the way it goes, in't it? With justice

Ah well. You get arms, I'll get legs

Like in't old days! - Like in't old days

I'll miss it. I will. I'll miss it