All language subtitles for Abbott Elementary e02-hi_engcp

All right. And once again,

the school district requires that uniforms
be purchased at O'Hare's Warehouse.

If your children show up in a makeshift
uniform from a department store,

we're gonna send them home.

What's the difference
between a blue shirt and khaki pants

from Filene's Basement and O'Hare's?

One gets them sent home. [chuckles]

- Was that not clear? I'm sorry.
- Right.

Also guys, what did I say about
shouting out the questions? All right.

Please have some decorum. Damn.

But the PTA did successfully get
Abbott 30% off for the rest of the month.

So head there fast, people.

- [Tariq] That's big. That's big.
- [Krystal] Mm-hmm. Right?

- [Tariq] That's cool. That's good.
- [Krystal] We did that. Mm-hmm.

You're welcome. All right. Moving on,

we've received many emails about
the golf course being built up the street

and what this means for our kids.

Not just our kids.

What about our community?

I know they're trying to price us out.

I don't want my daughter to have
to change schools next year.

- [parents] Yeah.
- Can we stop it from being built?

People, the golf course is happening.

- There's nothing we can do about that.
- [Melissa] Mm-mm.

Well, that's not true.
I could pull a Bagger Vance.

- What?
- See, I could cozy up

- to whoever their Matt Damon is.
- [Barbara] Oh, God.

It's like, I'm teaching him
about golf, but really

- I'm teaching him about life.
- [Janine] Mmm. Just to add on to that,

- that's a stupid idea.
- Okay.

To add on to that, that is a really good
movie. It's Will Smith's best performance.

Seven Pounds is sitting right there.
Are you kidding?

- I like Elf.
- That's Will Ferrell.

- Yeah, Jada's husband.
- No.

- All right, so let's get back on track...
- I like Wild Wild West.

Think that's his best movie.
We can move on now.

- It is so good, it has its own line dance.
- [Janine] Yes.

- No, no. You're thinking of Men in Black.
- [Tariq] Okay. All right.

Wait. Wild Wild West
has its own line dance?

Does it have its own line dance?

- [chuckles] All right.
- [Tariq] No...

Go, Barb.

See? Here we go.
Now, y'all got her started.

I literally… I have a gavel.
I literally have a gavel.

Uh, yeah, so I got this gavel specifically
for the PTA meetings, you know?

I wanted to be like, "Hey, bang, bang,
bang, bang, meeting adjourned." You know?

But I have yet to use it

because like most group functions
that take place in a Philly school gym,

every PTA meeting ends the exact same way.

♪ Wild Wild West ♪

- ♪ When I roll into the ♪
- ♪ Wild Wild West ♪

- ♪ When I stroll into the ♪
- ♪ Wild Wild West ♪

- ♪ When I bounce into the ♪
- ♪ Wild Wild West ♪

Kick that… Kick. Ah.

♪ Wild Wild West ♪

♪ We're goin' straight to ♪

No.

♪ Now once upon a time in the West ♪

♪ Mad man lost his damn mind
In the West ♪

["Hold 'Em" playing]

The US Constitution established
the framework for our government

and included the Bill of Rights.

But have you guys ever heard of Draco?

The wizard or the rapper?

Well, maybe the best way to describe him
is through a little rap of my own.

Boo!

Fine. Fine.

He created the Draconian Constitution,

and he wrote a harsh legal code

that doled out one-size-fits-all
punishments to establish order.

That sounds like my mom.

[students laugh]

[bell rings]

Okay, and we will pick this up next time.

Make sure you finish reading that chapter.

Hey, Brandon. Why are you scratching?

-He dirty.
- No.

What do you have on your arm?

Oh.

I am so excited
for our double feature tonight.

-I was...
- Ooh. Movie night.

Care for a third wheel?

Oh. It's a Ja-gory thing?

Don't wanna make it a Ja-gor-acob party?

-No. Your call. What are you gonna watch?
- [Janine chuckles]

-Dune followed by Friday.
- Yes.

I've seen Dune 2 and Friday After Next.

Now it's time to see the prequels.

Mmm. Oh, actually, uh,

speaking of big worms,
and trigger warning, #gross,

one of my students
in the first period has ringworm.

Well, there he goes.

Chin up, Janine.
He lasted longer with you than I thought.

Whoever is in charge of sanitizing
this place needs to be fired.

A kid has ringworm.

-Ringworm?
- Jacob, come here.

-Yeah.
- Nope. Get back.

How do you know it's ringworm?
Did you touch it?

Of course not. But it was clearly an itchy
red ring, and nurse isn't here this week.

So I just sent him home
and sanitized every surface.

-That's not enough.
- That's not enough.

Jacob, ringworm
is an elementary school's...

Worst enemy.

Maybe you could keep those older kids
from touching each other...

- If the little kids get it…
- [both] All of 'em get it.

[both] One, two, three.

- Kindness.
- Bananas. Thank God.

Last time ringworm broke out, we lost half
the staff, and students, too, for a week.

- [Melissa] Mm-hmm.
- It was horrible.

Oh, yeah. Well,
this is worse than horrible.

I got a date this weekend, Jacob.
Did you ever stop to think of that?

And the guy's got a hot tub.

In-ground.

What's the relevance of that?

I can't with this virgin.

I had ringworm once.
My second year of teaching.

Uh, it was awful.
But, thank God, I've got immunity now.

Barb, you can't get immunity
from ringworm.

Maybe you can't, but I did.

Look, circling back to how
I did nothing wrong here.

I went beyond district policy.
I sent him home before the end of the day.

Okay, well, I have a plan
that will guarantee

that the ringworm doesn't spread.

- I also have a plan.
- Okay.

First step, contain the spread by keeping
certain special students separated.

Isolate the contaminated.

All right. We're going to monitor
student behavior...

Perform ruthless surveillance.

And we'll wanna do
individual base learning...

Put them in solitary confinement.

That sounds intense.

- Yes. It really does.
- Okay.

Look, there's nothing
to worry about here, guys.

It's been handled. We're fine.

Well, it better be handled, Jacob.

A hot tub. In [bleep] ground.

[door knocks]

Hey, what's up?

Are you gonna open the door?

Have you washed your hands recently?

I'ma need a verbal yes.

- Gregory.
- [sighs]

[Janine scoffs]

Why are you so freaked out by this?

I mean, you teach first grade.
It's not exactly a germ-free zone.

This is a fungus, Janine.

It's a whole ecosystem.

Fungi are like sharks, okay?

They're beautiful, elegant,
but something to be respected,

nay, feared.

Honestly, you're weird if you don't agree.

Okay.

Thank you.

- [Gregory] Thanks.
- [Janine] Okay.

So this isn't a totally
surprising side of Gregory,

but it is a bit of a new layer
that I haven't seen before.

He really hates ringworm.

Maybe even more than pizza.

But we all have our quirks.

I'd really be way more concerned
if he loved ringworm.

'Cause I don't think
I can get past that. [chuckles]

And he shouldn't ask me to.

There you go. See?

One of my quirks is getting carried away
with my own hypotheticals, so…

Brandon, what are you doing back
at school? I sent you home.

Wait here, kids.

I tried to go home,
but my mom sent me back.

"Dear, Mr. Hill. I know that's wrong."

According to the district's website,

my child doesn't have to be sent home
until the end of the day.

I'm not the one or the two,
so please send my child home at three.

"Try Jesus. Don't try me. Patricia."

Is this a riddle?

It means I'm here till the end of the day.

But I kinda wanted to come back anyway.

I let JoJo borrow my Switch,
and he still has it.

Okay. Well, that's… that's discouraging.
Troublesome, actually.

Okay. So you're telling me you let some
other kid touch your contaminated game?

Yeah. But to be fair, we all pass it
around class while we're supposed

- to be listening to Mr. C.
- Okay. This is bad, Jacob.

Bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.

Come on, kids.

- Charlie's finished.
- [Janine] Oh?

Oh. That actually looks
a lot like you. So good job.

But maybe some beige, right?

Add some color to it.

Certainly got a lot of those unused.

- Hey, Janine.
- Yeah.

The ringworm kid is back in school.
It's time to put your plan into place.

I have been waiting for
this moment my entire life.

All hands on deck.

Okay. I'll tell Ava.

[Ava through speaker] I'm already on it.

Ava, I thought you said you were gonna
stop listening in on our classrooms.

I'm a known liar.

Let's go to work.

[sighs]

All right. Mr. Johnson,
we need you to stand here 24-7.

And block this floor
by any means necessary.

Oh, I got you.

Nothing's getting past me.

No one is getting past me.

All right. Well, as you can see,
our plan is now in place.

Now, we can trust the older kids not to
touch each other, but the littles, no.

So just to be safe,

the second floor

is now completely sealed off
from the first floor.

And if all goes well, we'll never see
those upstairs people again.

[Janine] All kids' hands
must be washed at all times.

[Ava] No going upstairs
or downstairs allowed.

[Janine] No group activities.
No recess. No gym. No library.

And no using the bathroom.

Unless they're supervised.

Well, see, that's where we differ.
I say pee where you stand.

- And I say please don't.
- This is a complete overreaction.

The upper floors can't go to the library?

Jacob, you're just mad that
you're stuck on the second floor

- with patient zero.
- Okay.

I love you like a son, Jacob.

But I will beat you down.

Jacob, if it gets down here,
everyone will be infected.

We have to protect the entire school.

This is not fair. And it is
certainly no way to educate.

You're being real cavalier right now.

Maybe you're infected
and that's the ringworm talking.

Yeah. When's the last time
you washed your legs?

I do not have ringworm.

Okay, Robert F. Kennedy Jr.

[Gregory] No one's home.

- [in high-pitched voice] Gregory left.
- Okay.

Enough of that.

- Hey.
- Hey.

- Hi.
- Hi.

So, you know, we sealed off the second
floor. You don't have to do this.

- Do what?
- Well...

- Where did you get that turtleneck?
- Oh, it was in my drawer.

Why do you keep a turtleneck
in your drawer?

I don't know. Times like this.

So what? You're just gonna stay in here?

Pretty much. Yeah.

All right. So,

are we not gonna do our double
feature tonight, or? [chuckles]

I would say,

for now, in light of
recent news, it's TBD.

- TBD?
- It means "to be determined"...

I know what it means, Gregory.

[smacks lips] Okay then.

See ya.

[lock clicking]

[security chain rattles]

Wait. These doors don't have double locks.

[Gregory] I installed the locks myself.

Look, I'm not crazy.

I'm pragmatic.

Why am I so far away?

Why are you so close?

Hey. Where are you coming from?

The lounge. Had to replenish my coffee
for the midafternoon slump.

Yeah. Mr. Johnson was supposed
to be blocking access.

You'd be surprised what he's willing
to do for a wild berry fruit strip.

- [Melissa scoffs]
- [Mr. Johnson] Mmm.

Okay. So, not only are you putting
all the rest of us at risk,

but you're also blowing your personal goal
of switching over to tea.

It's just not realistic.

Look, I made it through the outbreak
of '02, '07 and '11 with hardly an itch.

I'm telling you, I'm immune.

God protects me.

So God protects you but not the kids?

Something I've brought up
with him many times.

What if I don't believe in God?

I didn't mean that.
I do, especially when I fly.

I'm just saying, why don't we
leave God out of this.

Just 'cause I'm trying to make a point,
but we'll check in later.

Listen, I'm glad you're safe
with your God,

but some of us are trying to
get into some heavy sinnin'

- this weekend.
- Oh.

So please, no more ups
and absolutely no more downs.

Right?

[speaks Latin]

The thing about teaching here
as long as I have is

I've had everything:

ringworm, chicken pox, mad cow,

sad cow, red cow, blue cow.

[chuckles] Mmm.

♪ Freedom ♪

Yeah, it upsets me that people
aren't taking this seriously.

Because I think what people fail to get

is that this hot tub
is in the ground, okay?

It's not a Costco operation.

The guy called a contractor.

He came to the house. He dug a hole.

A contractor.

And so a constitution is fundamentally
how we coexist together. Okay?

[bell rings]

Hey, hey. Wh-Where are you running off to?
Let's, uh... Let's… [chuckles]

Let's stay here, you know?

Chop it up a bit.

Have a hang. Chill.

But it's time for recess.

- Yeah, that's what's so, um, fire.
- Fire?

- Is we get to skip recess today.
- Get to?

It might just be safer for everyone
if we all stay here

until matters calm down, rash-wise.

- So you're trapping us in here?
- [scoffs]

"Trapping" is a strong word.

- But accurate.
- Yes, you're trapped.

[students groan]

Guys, this is… this is apparently
for the greater good. This is good.

This is ass.

[students] Yeah. Right.

[Jacob] They're right.

And you know why they're right?

Because I taught them to question
the system and to speak truth to power.

And the truth is,

yeah, this is ass.

[scoffs]

God, why am I such a good teacher?

Hello? The Atlantic?

This message is for whomsoever
is in charge of great stories.

I've got a hot one.

Local hero principal saves
downtrodden school from outbreak.

Possible headline: "Ava Coleman
Runs Rings Around Worm."

Uh-uh.

Miss Lowery said if it happened again,
I'd have to come here.

It happened again.

I don't care. Get out. Get out. Get out.

Attention, teachers.

No child is to be sent to
the principal's office today.

Kids, if you want to do crime,
now's the time.

Happy Purge Day, y'all.

Mr. Johnson, bring every disinfectant
under the sun to my office immediately.

- Mr. Johnson?
- [snores]

Are you sleeping standing up again? Hey.

No, George Washington Carver,
I invented peanut butter.

[snores]

I'm done with the chapter.
Can I go use the bathroom?

Sorry, you're not allowed
to leave unsupervised,

and I can't leave the class now.

I don't like it either,

but you don't understand
the kind of pressure I'm under.

You don't understand the kind
of pressure my bladder is under.

But I promise, I'll go to
the bathroom and be right back.

What am I gonna do? Sneak off
and learn something new?

Certainly not if you stumble
into Morton's class.

I'm not trash-talking Morton
with you right now.

- Why not?
- Because you're being worse than Morton.

You're being Draconian.

- Okay. Go to the bathroom.
- Thank you.

Living organisms. Tiny little creatures
crawling all over your body,

- thriving in moist areas, so...
- [door closes]

[chair legs scrape]

What just happened?

That hoodie?

Gio, were you wearing
that hoodie this morning?

No.

- Where'd it come from?
- My brother gave it to me.

- I was cold.
- When?

- Just now.
- Gio,

remember when we said no one
could leave the classroom?

Yeah. That's why I texted him
to bring it to me.

Bring it to you from where?

What floor is your brother on?

[sighs]

Mr. Eddie, my arm itches.

[whispering] The fungi are here.

They're here.

[Ava through speaker] Attention:
Protocol has been broken, y'all.

I repeat, protocol has been broken, y'all.

The perimeter has been breached.

The infection has jumped floors
and is now spreading.

We are in full lockdown.

I am currently reviewing the tapes to see
which teacher or janitor is to blame.

You just went to the bathroom,
right? Nowhere else?

- Yeah.
- Oh, thank goodness. [chuckles]

But on the way, I stopped
by the first floor real quick

to drop off my hoodie to my brother.

- He was cold.
- What?

And then, I returned a book
to the library, dapped up Miss Howard,

and grabbed a drink from teachers' lounge.
But I swear, that's it.

You were just
supposed to go to the bathroom.

You know what's so funny?
I actually forgot to go to the bathroom.

Can I go to the bathroom now?

[groans] How on earth could this happen?

My plan was airtight.

- Apparently not.
- Barbara's been breaking protocol.

- Barb.
- I thought your people don't snitch.

[scoffs] Then why are
all my uncles in jail, huh?

It wasn't Barbara, okay?

Somehow, one of my kids ended up
with a tainted hoodie from upstairs.

- Somehow?
- [Jacob] I'm sorry.

Okay. It is… Guys, it's possible

that I definitely let one of
my kids go to the bathroom and...

- Do you just hate me?
- I worked so hard on this.

I shaved above the knee, Jacob.
Above the knee.

That was so irresponsible.

Oh, yeah? Well, apparently,
he had time to also dap you up.

And I him, but I am immune.

Cancel classes and shut Abbott down.

This is going to wreak
the worst havoc on this school.

I guess it's every man, woman
and flawless principal for themselves.

Send all the kids back to their homerooms.
I'll be in my bunker.

I ate all your bunker snacks, by the way.

[scoffs] You don't know
where my bunker is.

[chuckles] Well, I ate something
from somewhere, buddy.

Hey. Guys, this isn't cool.
Don't make Brandon sit in the corner.

No, I moved over here.
I don't wanna give everybody ringworm.

Look, you don't have to punish yourself
for this, okay?

It's not a punishment.
I would have stayed home if I could've.

But I can't. So for now,

I'm just gonna sit here
and play on my Switch.

Wish you wouldn't do
that while I'm teaching.

I wish you wouldn't teach
while I'm playing.

But here we are.

- I'm just looking out for everybody else.
- [sighs]

That is what we should be doing.
Sacrificing for the greater good.

[chuckles] God, I am such a good teacher
that he taught me something, you know?

Everyone, come out.

Everyone.

- Oh, sorry.
- Why do we keep interacting?

This could have been an email.
A nice, sterile email.

You better be down here
with some good news.

Nope. Nope. Day just keeps getting worse.

Or not. I've already submitted this
to The Atlantic.

So if it gets worse,
it's actually better for me, story-wise.

Look, I know I fumbled earlier.

And I realize now that I was wrong
and you were right.

So I think we need to take
all of the exposed kids

and put them in a combined isolation class
in the gym until the end of the day.

Mmm. Yeah. I mean, that's a good idea.

But who's gonna go in
there and watch them? 'Cause…

I will. Unless…

Anyone else?

Well, worth the ask.

I wanted to do it anyway.

Godspeed, brother.

- And, Gregory, I'll take your gear.
- The hell you will.

Well, then it's settled.

- I'll be a hero.
- Okay. Bye.

[Janine whispering] Go. You got this.

Okay.

Damn. He is so brave.

Better him than me. [laughs]

Might as well be you.
You guys live together.

Son of a bitch!

Lord, this day.

Mmm. I can feel the strength of God
just tingling through my body.

- Tingling?
- Yes, like little angels

dancing on my skin.

Why, look.

God has blessed me with a little red halo.

[Ava] Barb, you have ringworm.

Yes, I do.

[Janine] Oh, God. Barb, I mean,

we could just tell Jacob
you can go watch the kids.

Unfortunately,
that is not God's plan for me.

- Have a nice day.
- [Janine] Wh...

- I think God wants me to leave too.
- No, Ava.

Oh, no.

I ran the ship into an iceberg,
and so down with it I shall go.

Hopefully… Hopefully no one touches me.

I really appreciate that it's you, Mr. C.

You're a real one.

Thank you.

Bye, Mr. Eddie.

Oh, whoa. All right, sweetie.

Have a good night. Wash your hands.

All right.

So movie night in four to ten days, huh?

It's not so bad, right?

We could still FaceTime.

Yeah. Okay.

[Janine whispering] Bye, girls.

All right.

So,

what movie we watching first?

Um, okay. What about Dune or Friday?

One of them. I don't know.
I'll watch all of them with you.

- I don't care.
- Okay. Well, we have the weekend.

I got ringworm.
It was as horrible as I thought.

But we got it together. [chuckles]

And, look, we even have
matching rings, so...

No, no. It's not as cute as you think.

The trick is, if you always have
ringworm, you never catch it.

Take that how you wanna.

Yeah, caught it.

But turns out Jacuzzi guy
got evicted that morning

for having an in-ground hot tub
in violation of his HOA rules.

I said we should go to dinner.

And he said that would be
violation of his parole.

So I just stayed home and itched.

I realize now that God
was just testing me.

And now he is testing
the whole church choir. [chuckles]

But you should see Jacob. Oh.

Apparently, you can't
really get it this bad,

but I guess
I'm a medical marvel. [chuckles]

I didn't get ringworm,
but I did get a tapeworm.

Seafood restaurant
next to the gas station.

Got it. Passed it. Worth it.