Original subtitles

I'm going down south. I don't want to have myself time.

Friendly faces everywhere.

Humble folks without temptation.

I'm going down south. I don't want to leave my world behind.

And we're parking day or night. People sprouting hot and ever.

And on up south, I'm going to see if I can't unwind.

Come on down south out there and meet some friends of mine.

Our factory works 24 -7 to produce candy, and we have over 500 employees.

Here you can see where the cocoa is mixed with the sugar and milk.

Wow, cute.

Chocolate rules.

You should know, fat ass. I'm not fat, you sneaky Jew.

Oh, God, you guys really this again?

And here's where all the fudge is put into boxes to be shipped all over the

world. Kind of like Carbon's dad shipped out on him. I have a dad, butthole. My

mom is my dad. You guys, stop.

All you're doing is rehashing a bunch of old stuff.

Hey, Stan, isn't that Tom Cruise?

Huh?

Oh, wow, it is.

Hey, guys, check it out. Tom Cruise is a fudge packer.

What did you call me?

Hey, that is Tom Cruise.

How come you're packing fudge, Mr. Cruise?

I'm not a fudge packer.

Dude, you don't have to be ashamed or anything.

But I'm not a fudge packer. Then why are you packing fudge?

I'm not.

I'm a very busy actor. I'm just here trying to get away for a weekend and do

some fly fishing.

Dude, you are in a fudge factory packing fudge. Oh, that does it. I will sue

you. For what?

You can't just call somebody a fudge packer and get away with it.

Hey, is that fudge packer Tom Cruise?

That's it. I'm suing this entire intolerant town.

But, dude... No buts. You want to accuse somebody of being a fudge packer,

you're going to pay the consequences.

Guys, I want to really thank you all for coming.

Shockingly, I've just been slandered once again in the town of South Park,

something I know you all can relate to.

That town just seems to be a hotbed of hatred and lies.

I'm fed up with it. That town suggested I was made of shit.

Yeah, well, I was just over there doing some fly fishing, and this little boy

walks up and calls me a fudge packer.

That is crazy.

I know, right?

And then other kids in the town and their teachers start joining in. South

Colorado is the most insensitive, racist, and bigoted place in this

That town thinks they can say whatever they want about people and get away with

it. If anybody has a gripe against that shithole, it's me.

Yeah, well, I say enough. All of us together can put a stop to the slander

coming from that town once and for all. No longer will they make snide remarks

about whoever they want.

Yeah!

Hey, Tom, I ate too much Subway. Where's your bathroom?

Oh, just the door down the hall there, Jared.

No, no, no, that's a closet. Go down more.

No, that's a closet, too.

No, Jared, that one's a closet.

No, that's a closet.

No, that's a closet.

Stan Marsh to the principal's office.

Stan Marsh, come to the principal's office immediately. What did you do?

I have no idea.

You just had to push it, didn't you, Stan?

You just had to make fun of Tom Cruise again.

Did you call him a fudge packer?

Uh, he was packing fudge.

Little boy, you don't understand how serious this is. Tom Cruise has put

together a class action lawsuit along with 200 other celebrities.

They're going to sue the bejesus out of this entire town, okay?

It wasn't just me. Other kids call him a fudge packer. Even Mr. Garrison. You

started it. Mr. Brovlovsky, tell him what you told us.

Stan, a class action lawsuit means the end of this town. We can't possibly go

against their lawyers.

Damn it, Marsh. Why couldn't you have just kept your stupid, ugly kid in line?

Hey, don't start blaming me for his looks.

Mr. Cruz, my son is so, so sorry. And he would do anything to take back his

hurtful comments.

That's nice.

I'm still suing you all. Nobody calls me a fudge packer.

Yes, it was a terrible mistake.

But maybe you could see how, since you do take fudge and pack it

into a box... What?

I'm just saying that you are employed currently as a person who

packages... I'm an actor. I do not pack fudge.

Right. My son just got confused.

Because you have a little uniform and a hat that says Fred's Fudge and Candies.

And you are... Look, it doesn't matter. Just please withdraw the class action

lawsuit. Nobody in our town will ever call you a fudge packer again.

There is one thing that your town could do to maybe make me forget about this

lawsuit. Anything.

Anything you want, Mr. Cruz.

It's just that there's somebody I've always wanted to meet.

Face to face.

If you could get him to show up in your town.

Sure. Who is it? We can get anybody for you.

Muhammad.

The prophet of the Muslim faith.

Ooh.

That's tricky.

Well, then you can just get sued.

Mr. Cruz, if there's anybody else we could try to bring to town, we could...

Just him.

You get Muhammad to appear in South Park or your little town is done.

I say people. I know. I know.

But... He will get the other celebrities to withdraw their lawsuit if we just

get Muhammad to appear in South Park.

Are you nuts? If Muhammad appears in South Park, we get bombed.

Yeah, you did that. We don't know that. Maybe enough time has passed that now

it's okay to show Muhammad.

Dude, I can't believe we are dealing with this Muhammad thing again.

But even if it were safe now for Muhammad to come, how would we ever find

Yeah, showing an image of him is completely off limits and censored.

So nobody has ever seen what Muhammad looks like.

I saw him once.

You did?

Yeah. A while ago, my friends joined David Blaine's cult. I had to go to the

Super Best Friends to rescue them. Muhammad was one of the Super Best

Oh, and what? And he was just out in the open where everyone could see him and

nobody got bombed? No, dude. It was totally fine.

Muhammad showed up and there was no violence at all.

Well, a giant John Wilkes Booth shot Abraham Lincoln.

All right, Sam. That's enough. Jesus.

Can't learn to shut up, can you?

Now look, I believe we can find Muhammad.

I've done a lot of research and I've completed a sketch of what Muhammad

look like today.

No, don't!

Is that okay to show?

I don't know. I guess we'll see.

Tom, what is up with this Muhammad thing? It doesn't make sense.

Yeah, you said we were just suing South Park.

No, I said we were going to use South Park to make sure we never got ripped on

again.

Look, people, all of us get ridiculed. But who is the one person on this earth

that is completely free from slander?

You want Muhammad because he can't be ridiculed?

Muhammad has a power that makes him impervious to being made fun of. What if

could harness that power?

Jimmy Buffett.

How would you like it if nobody could call your music drunken frat boy monkey

garbage?

I'd love it. By taking what Muhammad has, we would all be safe from ridicule.

Like Tim Burton here.

Imagine it, Tim.

Nobody could rip on you for all the rehashed movies you've made lately.

There'd never be a TV show that pointed out you haven't had an original thought

since Beetlejuice. And you put Johnny Depp in the same crappy music in every

film. And if you're that in love with Johnny Depp, you should just have sex

him already.

A TV show could never say that.

Gee, that'd be swell.

Well, it can be a reality. Once we have Muhammad, we can take his power from

him. Excuse me?

This is the home of Tom Cruise, right?

Hey, it's one of the kids from South Park that slandered me. I didn't come

myself. I'm just an escort for another celebrity who wants to get in on your

lawsuit. Who?

Hello?

Jennifer Lopez!

Hey, Jen!

Oh, wow!

Yes, I'm...

In the great hall of the super best friends, there are assembled the leaders

the world's biggest religion.

Jesus.

Buddha.

Krishna.

Muhammad.

Lao Tzu and Joseph Smith.

And the mighty demons.

It's not semen, it's semen.

Their mission, to right that which is wrong, and to serve all mankind.

Jesus, all we're asking to do is bring Muhammad to our town for like an hour.

son, much has changed since you were last here.

Muhammad cannot make public appearances.

We simply cannot risk any violence from the Muslim people.

Oh, not you guys too.

Jesus fucking Christ.

Later, at the hall of the super best friend.

Okay, will you let Muhammad come to South Park if we dress him up like a

No, Muslims would still be angry if you showed his face.

Okay, what if we cover his face with a paper bag?

No, because you'd still be showing him walking around. That couldn't be the

trouble. Okay, a suit of armor. We just have Muhammad in a suit of armor so you

can't see anything.

But it's still Muhammad walking around in human form.

Oh, come on! This is ridiculous!

Boy, you need to understand that people get very offended when Muhammad is

mocked because he's a religious figure.

Buddha, don't do coke in front of kids.

A U -Haul. What if we bring Muhammad to South Park in the back of a U -Haul and

he just sneezes and they're out of sight?

But he's talking from the U -Haul?

Well, yeah, he's got to talk or nobody knows he's in there.

Hearing his voice, I don't know. What do you think, Moses?

Um, would there be windows on the U -Haul?

There doesn't have to be.

Um, I guess, I guess that would be okay.

Here it is, friend.

Once we have Muhammad, this machine will give us his power to not be made fun

of. Tom, Tom, you're talking crazy, mate. Only Muhammad has that ability.

could we ever get it from him?

We take his goo.

It's as simple as that, people.

Rob Reiner has been telling me about the goo which is inside every person on

Earth. Any goo can be harvested from a person's body and easily placed into

another.

Wait, you mean we aren't going to sue and get a bunch of money?

No, Jen.

We've all got enough money.

Yes, who needs more money? We need to get Muhammad's goo.

Yes, yes.

Arriba, arriba.

Excuse us for a second.

All right, just what the hell do you think you're doing?

What am I doing?

Just having some fun, Cholo.

Cut the crap.

I thought we were here for lawsuit money.

Just keep your mouth shut and do what I tell you. If we're staying here, then I

want to know what's going on.

Don't forget I know who you really are.

Mitch Conner.

You know what's good for you? You'll keep your mouth shut, kid.

You're no good dwindler and a two -bit thief. We were here for money, not goo.

Think about it.

Muhammad is the only person in the world that can't get ripped on.

Those celebrities want his goo.

Yeah, so what?

You know what that goo is worth on the open market?

Hell, I got people in Hong Kong would give me 50 mil for that, dude.

So we let them take it from Muhammad.

Then we steal it for ourselves.

You catch on quick, kid.

Ms. Lopez?

Someone's coming. Get my wig back on.

Hey, I was just seeing if you needed some... Oh, God, you found my fudge

-packing uniform.

Oh, you're secretly safe with me, Tommy.

Boys, we are so sorry for doubting you. You really did bring us Muhammad.

Thank you so much for coming, Muhammad.

Welcome.

Oh, is that okay?

I don't know.

All right, now we just need to figure out how to get Muhammad from the back of

the truck into Tom Cruise's limo. What? No, Dad, we promised Muhammad would stay

in the truck.

Cruise's lawyers were very specific, boys. He's sending a limo for Muhammad

meet him outside of town.

But Muhammad can't be seen, Dad. All right, we'll put a sheet over him.

No, you can't even show his feet.

How about a Halloween costume with one of those plastic masks?

No, you could still see his eyes.

Okay, how about like a big mascot outfit?

One that covered him completely, head to toe, not even showing his eyes.

Muhammad, would that be okay?

Okay.

Tom,

Rob, we've just received word from the lawyers.

South Park is saying they have Muhammad for us.

Rob, will the machine be ready?

Oh, it'll be ready.

I want more tacos, Miss Lopez.

More tacos.

You just had seven tacos.

I want more tacos.

I'm sorry.

Why are you doing this?

I am Jennifer Lopez.

I need tacos to live.

You know goddamn well you're not really Jennifer Lopez.

Now stop pissing me off.

Miss Lopez, I can go. What do you want? Like three tacos?

Oh, thank you, Kylie Sheen.

And maybe an Enchirito, too.

Oh, gee, they don't even make Enchiritos anymore.

Yes, they do.

No, I tried getting one last week.

Not all Taco Bells have Enchiritos.

God, will somebody shut her up?

All right, the limo's here.

Muhammad, thanks again for doing this.

You've done this town a huge favor, Muhammad.

Hold on a second!

Stop! There are some extremists threatening that if we give Muhammad to

celebrities, they're gonna bomb us.

What? Oh, it's just a stupid threat. Come on, we don't want to piss off Tom

Cruise again.

All right, we got him, Tom.

Are you okay?

What the hell was that?

Obviously the terrorists are for real.

What does that paper say?

We have placed bombs all over your city. You will give Muhammad to us.

Celebrities want Muhammad for his power not to be ridiculed. We want that power.

Huzzah! They want his power?

What kind of extremists are these?

You won't believe it.

Our time is near!

Soon!

Where the hell do you think you're going? I'm through with your stupid

Connor. I've got better things to do with my time.

You gonna walk away from 50 mil?

Let me back.

You walk away now and you'll regret it the rest of your life.

Screw this, Connor. Find yourself another partner. Then I guess I won't

about your father.

My father?

Thought that might get your attention.

You know nothing about your dad, right?

I know enough.

My mother is a hermaphrodite, so she is actually my father.

You really still believe that garbage?

The people in your town sold you that land.

Come on, you've had to have doubted it all along.

How would you know anything about who my family is?

I know all about the swindles and schemes in this dead -end town.

You got lied to, kid, by the people who are closest to you. I can prove it, too.

But I'm going to want something in return.

If you're making this up to keep me around, Connor, then you better... Just

me where I tell you.

And when you learn the truth, you'll learn to trust me and nobody else.

Okay, people, try to evacuate in an orderly fashion.

Jeez. Mayor, we do not have the resources to deal with this situation.

A full evacuation is impossible.

Jesus Christ, what are we supposed to do?

We have to give in to the demands.

I'm sorry, Muhammad, but we're going to have to give you over to the gingers. We

can't hand him over to the gingers. Yeah, we said we'd take care of him. But

homes and lives are at stake. We made a promise. To Jesus.

Dan, Jesus doesn't matter when Muhammad is involved.

That'll be Tom Cruise.

Hello?

Yeah, so, uh, what's going on?

Uh, I'm afraid we...

Can't give Muhammad to you. What do you mean you're not giving him to us?

There are these ginger fundamentalists saying if we don't give Muhammad to

they're going to bomb us.

Gingers? Gingers? Oh, hell no.

Please understand that we have no choice here, Mr. Cruz.

You're going to give Muhammad to gingers instead of us just because they are

threatening you with violence?

Well, yeah.

Oh, we can play that game, too.

You want to see violence? You got it.

Goddamn stupid assholes. They want to play rough?

Okay, Spielberg, go and get some automatic rifles.

We'll go in there, and we're going to take Muhammad by force. And we're going

show him... Tom, Tom!

We can't be seen getting violent.

Yeah, that would kill all our careers.

But the only way we're going to get Muhammad now is by getting just as

with South Park as the gingers.

Fine, then let's have her do it.

Her who?

You know.

Her.

Oh, right.

Her.

There she is, Tom.

Barbara Streisand.

My God, she's even more terrifying than I remembered.

Tom, Barbara Streisand hasn't been active for a long time.

Are we sure we want to do this?

Mrs. Streisand was blown apart in the town of South Park.

She's probably more angry at that town than any of us.

Power her up!

Release the kiken!

Eric, what are you doing here?

Did you all lie to me?

All of you, in that room?

When you told me my mother was my father?

What? No, Eric, are you still worried about that old issue? I mean... I don't

trust you.

I want to talk to Mr. Hat.

Eric, I haven't used Mr. Hat in a long time. I said get Mr.

Hat!

Put it on.

Do the voice.

Hello, kids, it's me, Mr. Hat.

Good to see you, Hat.

Hell of an ad, isn't it?

I don't believe I know you.

The name's Mitch Connor.

Flew the same division as you back in Saigon.

Eric, this is silly. Why don't we just stop... Keep your hand up!

All right, gingers.

We have Muhammad for you.

Now hand over the detonators.

Nuh -uh.

First you gotta prove there's still Muhammad in there.

Have him step out of the bear costume.

Dude,

we can't... do that.

Show us it's Muhammad or South Park is finished.

Damn it, Mitch. You're asking questions that shouldn't be answered.

So you admit it. There was a cover -up.

No, Mr. Hat. Don't say any more.

Yeah, tell him what you knew.

Right, Eric.

Your father was in the room the day of your DNA test.

But the results were tampered.

By who?

God damn it, Garrison.

Who is my father?