Original subtitles

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

Hi, I'm Peter Griffin.

It's almost Oscar night.

Boy, we've lost so many greats this year,

including a dead costume designer

who will get spill-over applause

from the photo of Sean Connery that directly precedes him.

Tonight, we salute some past Best Picture winners,

whichever ones I spin on this wheel.

The wheel has spoken!

The Silence of the Lambs.

♪ ♪

Ah... what a beautiful day to not get bodily fluids

thrown in your face and hair.

And now, for some rock tunes to pump me up.

♪ One, two princes kneel before you... ♪

Oh, right, 'cause it's the early '90s.

Vaulting over a log.

Jumping a water hazard.

Climbing up a cargo net.

Becoming an FBI agent is basically

like being on Battle of the Network Stars.

-♪ You rockets ain't in... ♪ -(music stops)

♪ ♪

-Aah! -Agent Starling.

Good to see you.

Wh-Why is your face so big?

Oh, this movie is mostly extreme close-ups.

Oh. Yeah. Weird.

Anyway, sorry you had to come so quickly,

but this thing with no timetable couldn't wait.

We need you to talk to a super smart psychopath.

How smart?

Like, he can do the New York Times crossword

through Thursday.

Friday, he can maybe get a corner or two.

So, what's the job?

Fancy creep, eats people.

-Talk to him. -Got it.

And this is a big deal, 'cause you're a woman.

We're not gonna say it's a big deal,

but everyone watching will know it's a big deal

'cause of the time period,

even though a man is helping you.

Now run along, toots.

(bird cawing)

(yelling gibberish)

So, you're in the FBI, huh?

Me, too.

Got this bad boy in Venice Beach.

Okay, all right.

You can talk to Lecter now.

♪ ♪

Hello, Clarice.

Dr. Lecter, I need your help.

Nope, nope, nope. I'll only help if there's a quid pro quo.

(sighs) Okay, what is it?

I want Mario Lopez to record my outgoing voice mail message.

What?! You're insane!

He's a huge star at this specific sliver of time.

Figure it out. Those are my terms.

♪ ♪

(gasps)

Sorry, these Capri Suns are notoriously difficult to open.

(Spin Doctors' "Two Princes" playing on radio)

♪ Yeah, one, two... ♪

(faintly): ♪ That's what I said now ♪

-♪ Princes... ♪ -(music stops)

(straining)

You need some help?

Yeah, thanks.

I can't seem to get this giant 1991 computer

into the back of my van.

Careful, I had it on for 20 minutes, so it's very hot.

(grunts)

Okay, I got what you asked for.

MARIO LOPEZ: Hey, this is Mario Lopez

letting you know that Hannibal Lecter

can't get to the phone right now,

so please leave a message.

And now, I think I'm about to be saved by the...

(beeps)

Not good enough!

I wanted him to record it as Slater.

What?! You never said that!

It should've been understood.

Don't test me, Starling.

A census taker did that once,

and I ate his liver with dry Cheerios

and a mashed-up banana.

(slurping)

Sorry, I'm just a little nervous.

When I was a girl,

I went to live on my uncle's farm,

and I heard these lambs screaming,

screaming as they were being slaughtered.

It was horrible.

-(applause) -And I want to thank Alan Weiss at William Morris.

Also, my high school drama teacher, Lucas Wohl.

-(orchestral music plays) -Oh, they were just killing those poor lambs.

I wanted to save them, but I couldn't.

And, Mandy and Jenny at home, go to bed, kids.

Mommy did it!

I am coming home with one of these!

-(laughing) -(applause)

♪ ♪

CVS brand lotion?

It's the same ingredients as Nivea.

It puts the off-brand lotion on its skin,

or else it gets the hose again.

The top isn't even a pump.

You're paying for the pump!

♪ ♪

Dr. Lecter, we are running out of time.

I need you to give me some clue,

anything that might lead me in the right direction.

(sighs) His name's Buffalo Bill, heavyset blond kid

who lives in that crappy place behind McDonald's.

Hmm.

I'll have to really lean

on my budding criminology skills

to decipher these obscure breadcrumbs.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

(gasps slowly)

Coming up, dinner.

But first, I turn my back to a dangerous murderer.

(regurgitates)

(indistinct chatter)

Oh, hey, Sarge. Your wife called and said it was urgent.

Oh, uh, okay.

Yeah, she sounded very not happy.

You need to call her back ASAP.

Got it, thanks.

Starting to think I did this guy a favor.

(doorbell rings)

It puts its finger on the doorbell.

We're looking for someone.

Have you seen her?

Oh, wait, is she that great, big, huge, plump,

very large, Rubenesque, fat girl who went missing?

Yes, she is rather heavy,

and as you can see, not particularly attractive.

We've had reports that her personality

is quite grating as well.

MEG (distant): I can still hear you guys!

(panting)

(door creaks)

(goggles whirring)

(panting)

(gasps)

I'm not loving this night vision setting.

Maybe I should try Night at the Roxbury vision.

(Haddaway's "What Is Love?" playing)

♪ ♪

-You? Me? You? -♪ What is love? ♪ -(screams)

It puts the bullet in the fat guy.

And, for having successfully scaled a cargo net

and connecting two note cards with a piece of red string,

Clarice Starling, you are now officially a lady FBI.

(applause)

(phone ringing)

You should probably answer that.

I mean, you're the closest thing to a secretary in here.

Ugh.

Hello, FBI. This is Clarice speaking.

Hello, Clarice.

I just wanted to let you know that I respect you,

and how important it is that you're a woman.

Thank you for saying so, Doctor.

'Cause if you were a man,

I would definitely be captured or dead by now.

-Oh, I... -Like if you're Clint Eastwood, I'm dead.

-Harrison Ford? Dead. -Well, Doctor, I've really got...

You know, I'm not betting against the Twin Peaks guy--

what's his name? Creepy white guy.

-Kyle MacLachlan. -Kyle MacLachlan, right.

How do I keep forgetting that?

It's like in my top five dude names. I have a list.

-Dr. Lecter, I really have to go. -So do I.

♪ ♪

I'm having an old friend for dinner.

Y-You're gonna eat a friend?

That was kind of supposed to be the last line,

and you ruined it.

I'm gonna say it again and then hang up quickly.

(clears throat)

I'm having an old friend for dinner.

-What?! -Oh, my God, this bitch.

♪ ♪

PETER: My name is...

whatever Kevin Spacey's name was in this movie.

I bet you think behind that door is

a happy, all-American family.

Nope.

Just me in the shower

with Johnson & Johnson and Johnson.

There were some tears.

That's my wife out there, cutting roses.

Oh, just a heads-up, there's a ton of roses in this.

I guess they're supposed to mean something. (sighs)

You know, when I agreed to this,

I 100% thought it was American Pie.

Always read the second word of the title

before you sign something.

Oh, hi, Carolyn. We're your gay neighbors.

That's right, and we're the only happy people

in the entire film.

PETER: Oh, that's the other thing.

This movie really wants you to know

that traditional families are the messed-up ones.

If you don't want two hours of that,

go turn on The Matrix.

Aw, why aren't we doing that?

Have a great day,

two-dimensional '90s gay neighbors!

-Who are both named Jim. -Right, who are both named Jim.

-Good morning, my darling. -Hello, my love.

PETER: Keep in mind that 9/11 hasn't happened yet.

So a strained family dynamic

is still the most dramatic thing there is.

Wow, what a beautiful, fully heterosexual neighborhood.

Yeah, no. What's up is down here, bro.

Oh, hi, you must be our new neighbors.

I'm Carolyn Burnham,

RE/MAX's top crying realtor in the area.

Uh, thanks, but we just bought a house,

so we don't really need a realtor.

(crying)

-You don't? -S-Sorry.

It's okay. You know what?

We'll buy another one.

(chuckles): Oh, great. Great.

Oh, looks like your son and my daughter

are getting to know each other.

Check out this video I took of a plastic bag.

♪ ♪

I'm thinking about sending it in

to America's Funniest Home Videos.

Really? Do you think it's funny enough?

I don't know. I just want to spend $2,000

flying to Los Angeles to maybe win $1,000.

(crowd cheering inside)

-(whistle blows) -ANNOUNCER: That's halftime.

And now, please welcome the Suburbia High School

cheer quad, the Dockers Zipper Pushers.

(upbeat music plays)

♪ ♪

Who is that?

(sultry music plays)

♪ ♪

Ah! Ah, damn it! Ah, stop. Stop.

I have seasonal allergies, guys. (sneezes)

-(upbeat music resumes) -ANNOUNCER: All right.

Now the marching band to play

the Suburbia High School fight song.

(playing "Two Princes" by Spin Doctors)

Geez, again with this song?

Shut up and kiss me, other gay Jim.

(both moaning)

Oh, no. No.

I'm very against that.

Remember that for later.

PETER: The next day, I quit my job

and was in no way run out of the industry

for groping a busboy in Nantucket.

It was a joke. I was razzing the guy.

Come on.

(sizzling)

I got a new job at a fake movie fast food restaurant.

God, why are movies so bad at naming restaurants?

Welcome to Mr. Smiley's BurgerTownVilleLand.

Would you like to try a Large McIntyre?

LOIS: Yes, my lover and I will each have adultery burgers.

Second window.

(moaning)

-Two adultery burgers. -(gasps) Lester!

(chuckles nervously) Listen, let's not make a big scene here.

We can talk about this when we get...

You don't get to tell me what to do anymore.

We need more ketchup.

All right, there are some things you can tell me to do.

After that, I started lifting weights in my garage.

But I lost track of a spider

that crawled behind the heavy ones,

so I had to use the dainty weights ladies walk with.

Oh, hey. You got those drugs?

Yep, right here.

Oh, my God.

Look at that plastic bag.

So beautiful.

Do you do a lot of the drugs yourself?

I do, yes.

Okay, let me just get on my knees

and roll a joint at crotch level like all drug dealers do.

Great, and I'll just lean back, away from the drugs

like all drug users do.

What the hell?

Am I seeing what I think I'm seeing?

Help me out here, Mr. Furley.

How did this thing win an Oscar?

It's basically Austin Powers.

♪ ♪

Yo, yo, check this out.

What if, like, Kramer is just

a figment of Jerry's imagination?

-Wow. Yeah. -'Cause think about it.

We-we never see him interacting with anyone else.

Yeah.

Well-well, wait. I mean... (stammers) we-we do.

(chuckles): Oh, boy, am I glad you're here.

I don't think I like what I saw earlier.

Oh, was it The Phantom Menace,

which also came out this same year?

Yeah, what a mess.

Ricky, go on home. I need to talk to Lester.

Aw, I don't want to.

(singsongy): There's plastic bags.

(gasps) There are?

Hey, you know how there's two things we know for sure?

We'll always be able to bring box cutters on planes,

-and I'm heterosexual? -Yeah, of course.

Well, turns out only one of those things is true.

Mm...

Look, I think I gave you the wrong idea

with these pink weights and pantomiming oral with your son.

-I'm straight. -I'm so sorry!

I got to go start a megachurch!

Eh, seems right.

Oh, hey, what are you doing here?

I have a flight tomorrow,

and Jane said I could borrow your box cutter.

Man, I love cutting boxes on planes.

And also-- and this is kind of embarrassing and unearned--

but I think you're sexy, and I want to have sex with you.

Ah, sweet! Let's do this!

I should let you know, I'm a virgin.

Not a deal-breaker.

And I should let you know

I'm Chris Hansen from To Catch a Predator.

Aw, crap. Somebody shoot me.

(gunshot)

Sorry, I didn't mean to...

Whoa, you're Chris Hansen!

Hey, what do you do with all the leftover pedophile pizza?

PETER: Well, that was American Beauty.

See you at the Oscars.

I'll be there with my mom.

That's not a big, obvious sign of something, right?

♪ ♪

-How's work, Ralph? -It's a breeze.

(both laughing)

-Give my best to Judy. -Will do.

Hi, my name's Forrest.

Forrest Gump.

Would it be okay if I sugarcoat race relations

in the South for the next two and a half hours?

Honey, I'm a Black woman in a '90s Hollywood movie,

-that's what I'm here for. -Great.

My mama always said life was like a box of Good & Plenty:

most people just throw it away.

One day on the bus to school,

I met Jenny.

She was the love of my life.

Hey, look, it's a guy with nonstandard legs.

Let's bully and throw rocks at him and not me.

Run, Forrest, run!

PETER: And in a magical moment

whose explanation I assume was cut for time,

I could suddenly run very fast.

But I happened to do it

in front of the meanest lifeguard in Alabama.

-No running! -It's for a movie. God.

-(cheering) -I was such a fast runner,

I went on to play college movie football,

where all the tacklers dive two feet behind you and miss.

After I graduated,

I joined the Army and got shipped off to war.

Vietnam is where I met my best friend, Bubba,

who really wanted to have his own squid fishing boat.

In fact, he knew just about

everything you could do with a squid.

Well, there's calamari...

That's about it.

Ambush! (screaming)

Oh, my God, Lieutenant Dan!

Damn it, save yourself, Gump.

-Leave me here. -All right.

(explosion)

Bubba was also shot.

And as always happens when a soldier dies,

we discussed business ideas.

(weakly): I'm dying, Forrest.

I want you to buy a squid boat in my honor.

How about a gym exclusively for big white women?

-There could be machines that... -Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You had me at "big white women."

(exhales)

-(chanting) -After I got home from Vietnam,

I got to speak at a generic protest.

There's only one thing to say about Vietnam:

I had this awesome red stuff on all my food.

I don't 'member what it's called.

It's not hot sauce, but it's not ketchup.

I think it's got a rooster on the label.

Forrest!

(gasps) Jenny!

Aah! Son of a bitch!

See, guys? This is why no running.

PETER: And then-- I know, it's still not over yet--

I bought a squid boat.

Lieutenant Dan was also working with me.

And you know who's super helpful on a boat

that's constantly rocking in the water?

A wheelchair guy.

Hey, Forrest, I got our lunches.

-(waves crashing) -(screams)

So after I was rich,

Jenny came back and had sex with me one time.

Wow, that was great.

Sorry I was naming presidents during.

So, we getting married or what?

You don't want to marry me, Forrest.

Yeah, you're right.

Okay, well, have a good night.

And then, shockingly late in the movie,

I started running again.

Like, across the country.

Several times.

The whole sequence is a full eight minutes.

I mean, sometimes this whole movie feels like it was written

by a seven-year-old who just ate a bunch of candy.

But I checked, it's just a regular guy.

Anyway, at least we were finally

to the time in our nation's history

when I could listen to this.

♪ Princes, princes who adore you. ♪

(knocking)

Forrest!

I brought you chocolates picked over by strangers.

Forrest, I'm sick.

-Sick? With what? -(whispers indistinctly)

Oh, I did a movie about that once.

It's called Splash.

No, Forrest. (whispers indistinctly)

Oh, I thought you said mermaids.

But I did a movie about your thing, too.

But that's not all.

I want you to meet my son.

Six hours in makeup. One line.

You're his father.

Father?

Is he... like me?

Uhp, you died.

And... feather!

♪ ♪