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♪ It seems today that all you see ♪
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00:00:04,505 --> 00:00:07,655
♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV ♪
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00:00:07,758 --> 00:00:11,401
♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values ♪
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00:00:11,462 --> 00:00:14,071
♪ On which we used to rely? ♪
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00:00:14,131 --> 00:00:17,999
♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪
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00:00:18,019 --> 00:00:21,261
♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do ♪
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♪ All the things that make us ♪
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♪ Laugh and cry ♪
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♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪
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ANNOUNCER: We now return to The Today Show
11
00:00:36,620 --> 00:00:38,704
with Matt Lauer sadly looking in the window.
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First up, Rachael Ray will be here
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00:00:40,916 --> 00:00:43,358
to help us with a simple Christmas recipe.
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(muffled): Can I come back now?
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Then, Al will be in to get you ready
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00:00:46,756 --> 00:00:48,213
with your Christmas travel weather.
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Are you guys still sore at me?
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00:00:50,276 --> 00:00:53,052
We also share your best tweets about family visitors.
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I thought about what I did.
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00:00:55,839 --> 00:00:58,373
(loud thud)
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00:00:58,434 --> 00:01:00,392
(groans)
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00:01:00,585 --> 00:01:03,062
(bleep) (grunts)
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00:01:03,255 --> 00:01:06,973
(bleep) (grunts) (bleep)
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(Lois grunts, pants)
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(groans, pants)
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That looks heavy.
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00:01:16,577 --> 00:01:19,394
Well, dragging a bin full
of decorations down the stairs
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while repeatedly yelling (bleep)
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00:01:21,248 --> 00:01:23,824
in front of my children
means only one thing.
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It's Christmas time.
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00:01:26,662 --> 00:01:28,478
Yeah, Lois, I knew
it was Christmas a week ago
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00:01:28,539 --> 00:01:31,665
when the "O" in the PornHub
logo became a wreath.
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-Same.
-Nice.
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00:01:33,377 --> 00:01:34,985
Listen, there's a lot of work
to be done
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00:01:35,003 --> 00:01:37,654
to make this place look festive,
and unlike most years,
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00:01:37,756 --> 00:01:40,340
where I do everything,
this year I want you all
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00:01:40,434 --> 00:01:42,083
to help
with the Christmas chores.
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Come on, Lois.
You know the deal around here.
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We split everything zero-100,
like most couples.
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00:01:46,849 --> 00:01:48,423
And I also have another request.
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I'd like
to finally get a present
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00:01:50,227 --> 00:01:52,093
from the heart this year.
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00:01:52,154 --> 00:01:53,946
Not just
some defective clothing item
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00:01:54,139 --> 00:01:56,022
Peter got on clearance
at Marshalls.
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But you love The Roling Stons.
46
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Now, to make sure
you don't forget your chores,
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I've made you each a list.
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00:02:01,738 --> 00:02:04,514
And I want all
of these completed by tomorrow.
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Sorry. I can't do chores.
My trick elbow is acting up.
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00:02:07,369 --> 00:02:09,962
-Is that your card?
-No.
51
00:02:10,155 --> 00:02:12,673
Oh, boy,
it's worse than I thought.
52
00:02:18,472 --> 00:02:21,623
Why are we doing our Christmas
shopping at the strip mall?
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00:02:21,725 --> 00:02:23,717
'Cause we ran out
of gas out front.
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00:02:23,869 --> 00:02:25,869
You got
to get that gas gauge fixed.
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00:02:25,929 --> 00:02:28,038
Look, Chris, did you want
the gas gauge fixed,
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00:02:28,056 --> 00:02:29,464
or did you want a year
of Quibi?
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The gas gauge.
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00:02:31,360 --> 00:02:33,485
I'm sure we can find everything
on Mom's list here.
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00:02:33,637 --> 00:02:35,303
It doesn't look so bad.
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00:02:35,364 --> 00:02:39,491
If this place doesn't have Baby
Yoda toys, I swear to God...
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00:02:39,660 --> 00:02:42,402
I'll probably buy something
with Spider-Man on it.
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00:02:42,496 --> 00:02:44,979
Okay, guys, now before
you can shop at a strip mall,
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00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:46,981
you have
to use the free-standing ATM
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that's chained to a pole
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and not affiliated
with any known bank.
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00:02:52,840 --> 00:02:55,732
Good. It's taking
an extra-long time
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00:02:55,792 --> 00:02:58,068
to read the card and probably
stealing the number.
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00:02:58,128 --> 00:03:01,847
Select "yes"
to pay $15 fee. No brainer.
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00:03:02,040 --> 00:03:03,407
Perfect.
Now I can't read the screen,
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00:03:03,467 --> 00:03:05,333
'cause the glare is so bad.
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00:03:05,352 --> 00:03:06,910
And it's not giving me
my card back.
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00:03:06,970 --> 00:03:08,929
-(phone ringing)
-Hello?
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00:03:09,081 --> 00:03:10,355
Yes, this is Peter Griffin.
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00:03:10,524 --> 00:03:12,708
Not anymore?
Well, thanks for telling me.
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00:03:12,735 --> 00:03:15,360
Look, there's a card
and nice paper store.
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00:03:15,553 --> 00:03:19,198
Let's go walk around it slowly
and let out tiny farts.
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00:03:19,391 --> 00:03:21,849
-(door bells tinkle)
-(soft instrumental music plays)
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00:03:21,952 --> 00:03:24,536
Hmm. Nice, thick card stock.
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(squeaky gas expulsion)
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00:03:26,098 --> 00:03:27,855
Ah, yes,
that's a very bright white.
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00:03:27,958 --> 00:03:29,857
(squeaky gas expulsion)
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00:03:29,919 --> 00:03:31,359
Ooh, Century Gothic font.
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00:03:31,378 --> 00:03:32,694
(loud, rumbling,
gas expulsion)
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00:03:32,755 --> 00:03:36,531
Miss, this store
is for tiny farts only.
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00:03:36,592 --> 00:03:40,052
There's a Lids next door
for that sort of thing.
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00:03:42,448 --> 00:03:44,781
Welcome to the strip mall
H&R Block.
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00:03:44,841 --> 00:03:46,225
Yes, I'd like to do my taxes.
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00:03:46,418 --> 00:03:49,119
-How much does H charge?
-$59.
89
00:03:49,221 --> 00:03:50,896
Hmm. How much does R charge?
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00:03:51,089 --> 00:03:52,789
$59.
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00:03:52,891 --> 00:03:56,718
Does R know H has a side thing
going with M? H&M?
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00:03:56,779 --> 00:03:58,462
I don't know what
you're talking about.
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00:03:58,522 --> 00:04:00,388
Is H back from lunch yet?
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00:04:00,449 --> 00:04:02,908
Sorry. He said he was held up
with a client.
95
00:04:03,101 --> 00:04:06,319
You were with M again,
weren't you?!
96
00:04:06,472 --> 00:04:07,804
What? No, I wasn't.
97
00:04:07,823 --> 00:04:09,939
Then why are you wearing
a designer-looking shirt
98
00:04:09,959 --> 00:04:11,399
at a fraction of the cost?
99
00:04:11,460 --> 00:04:13,234
Maybe I wanted to get caught.
100
00:04:13,295 --> 00:04:16,088
I told you what I'd do
if I ever caught you cheating.
101
00:04:16,281 --> 00:04:18,298
This is on you!
102
00:04:19,584 --> 00:04:22,427
Why?! Why?!
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00:04:22,579 --> 00:04:24,337
What's up?
I was just taking a pee.
104
00:04:24,490 --> 00:04:25,764
Someone call?
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00:04:25,957 --> 00:04:29,393
Sometimes they let me write
my own skits.
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00:04:32,022 --> 00:04:34,331
ANNOUNCER: We now return to CBS This Morning
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00:04:34,391 --> 00:04:37,517
with Charlie Rose sadly pressed against the window.
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00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:40,094
Coming up this morning, Christmas came early
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00:04:40,114 --> 00:04:43,340
for a group of first graders in South Bend, Indiana.
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(muffled): You guys still cross with me?
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Hey, how was the big day
of shop...
112
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(sighs) Wait. Where's all
the Christmas stuff?
113
00:04:52,150 --> 00:04:54,017
Ah, yeah. About that...
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00:04:54,077 --> 00:04:55,519
I can't believe this.
115
00:04:55,537 --> 00:04:57,296
Brian, where's Stewie's
Elf on the Shelf?
116
00:04:57,489 --> 00:05:00,206
Meg, where's the twinkling
lights I asked for?
117
00:05:00,301 --> 00:05:01,633
Peter,
where's the Christmas tree?
118
00:05:01,785 --> 00:05:03,168
We don't even have a tree.
119
00:05:03,362 --> 00:05:04,878
I'm sorry, Lois.
I got it all under control.
120
00:05:04,972 --> 00:05:07,639
Don't you worry about a thing.
I'll be right back.
121
00:05:08,684 --> 00:05:11,810
♪ ♪
122
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(wind whistling)
123
00:05:14,356 --> 00:05:16,982
(gasps)
Peter, you did get a tree.
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00:05:17,175 --> 00:05:18,892
Oh, it's beautiful.
125
00:05:18,986 --> 00:05:23,137
I sure did, Lois, because I love
you and I love this family.
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00:05:23,198 --> 00:05:24,881
Oh, Peter.
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00:05:24,941 --> 00:05:27,734
Peter. Peter.
128
00:05:27,828 --> 00:05:29,736
Peter. Peter?!
129
00:05:29,830 --> 00:05:32,556
Peter Griffin,
what the hell is going on here?
130
00:05:32,574 --> 00:05:34,558
Huh? Huh? What? Oh, yeah.
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00:05:34,659 --> 00:05:36,818
I was gonna go get all
the Christmas stuff,
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00:05:36,837 --> 00:05:38,562
but then I fell asleep
rubbin' one out
133
00:05:38,622 --> 00:05:41,064
to Madonna's
"Santa Baby" in the car.
134
00:05:41,083 --> 00:05:42,899
By the way, tonight's date night
is cancelled
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00:05:42,959 --> 00:05:44,568
due to lack of interest.
136
00:05:44,586 --> 00:05:46,920
Peter, you were all supposed
to take the weight
137
00:05:47,056 --> 00:05:50,407
of the holidays off my shoulders
for once, and you failed.
138
00:05:50,425 --> 00:05:51,758
You all failed.
139
00:05:51,894 --> 00:05:54,001
Brian, you're supposed
to be responsible.
140
00:05:54,063 --> 00:05:56,096
Bad dog. Bad.
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00:05:56,190 --> 00:05:57,764
(whimpering)
142
00:05:57,916 --> 00:06:01,526
Damn it. And who got candy cane
all over the couch?
143
00:06:01,719 --> 00:06:03,195
(whimpering)
144
00:06:03,346 --> 00:06:05,030
You know what?
I've had it.
145
00:06:05,181 --> 00:06:08,108
Every year, my cousin asks me
to come to Cabo for Christmas.
146
00:06:08,202 --> 00:06:09,776
Well, this year, I'm going.
147
00:06:09,928 --> 00:06:11,428
You're all gonna see
how hard it is
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00:06:11,488 --> 00:06:13,521
to make Christmas happen
around here without me.
149
00:06:13,540 --> 00:06:16,708
I am packing my bags,
and I'm out of here.
150
00:06:16,901 --> 00:06:18,284
You're getting divorced?
151
00:06:18,379 --> 00:06:19,953
No, I'm just leaving
for a few days
152
00:06:20,089 --> 00:06:21,621
and ruining their Christmas.
153
00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:23,440
You're ruining Christmas
154
00:06:23,500 --> 00:06:26,051
by suing the city
over holiday decorations?
155
00:06:26,202 --> 00:06:28,703
No, I'm just leaving my family
for the holidays.
156
00:06:28,764 --> 00:06:30,964
You're doing deaf jokes?
157
00:06:31,058 --> 00:06:33,392
No. No one's doing deaf jokes.
158
00:06:33,585 --> 00:06:36,561
Well, I can't hear,
so I don't know.
159
00:06:36,754 --> 00:06:38,455
She's not doing them.
160
00:06:38,515 --> 00:06:40,290
-What?
-I don't know.
161
00:06:40,392 --> 00:06:42,626
I think we... I think...
162
00:06:42,644 --> 00:06:45,529
I think we are doing
deaf jokes at this point.
163
00:06:51,136 --> 00:06:53,820
I can't believe
Mom went to Cabo
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00:06:53,956 --> 00:06:55,805
and left us alone
for Christmas.
165
00:06:55,824 --> 00:06:57,323
What are we gonna do?
166
00:06:57,476 --> 00:06:59,159
Well, I'll tell you
the first thing we're gonna do.
167
00:06:59,311 --> 00:07:02,087
We're gonna delete all of her
pretentious crap off the DVR.
168
00:07:02,256 --> 00:07:04,589
I want to be the one
to delete The Crown.
169
00:07:04,758 --> 00:07:07,909
She never watched them.
She just had 'em.
170
00:07:07,928 --> 00:07:09,152
Do it, son.
171
00:07:09,254 --> 00:07:11,321
Well, well, well, The Crown.
172
00:07:11,381 --> 00:07:12,839
How the tables have turned.
173
00:07:12,933 --> 00:07:14,415
Remember this face?
174
00:07:14,476 --> 00:07:16,417
The one that wanted
to watch Modern Family?
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00:07:16,437 --> 00:07:18,920
Well, payback's a bitch.
Delete!
176
00:07:19,022 --> 00:07:22,441
"Are you sure you want
to delete The Crown?" Yes.
177
00:07:22,634 --> 00:07:25,835
"Do you understand
that it's really good?" Yes!
178
00:07:25,896 --> 00:07:29,614
"Are you sure? It will impress
your friends." Accept.
179
00:07:29,807 --> 00:07:32,600
"You understand that we change
the cast every season."
180
00:07:32,619 --> 00:07:34,268
Acknowledge.
181
00:07:34,329 --> 00:07:37,530
"Come on. It's The Crown.
It's history." Don't care.
182
00:07:37,683 --> 00:07:39,699
"You are not allowed
to delete The Crown."
183
00:07:39,793 --> 00:07:41,701
(yelling)
184
00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:43,945
(groaning)
185
00:07:44,006 --> 00:07:46,280
BRITISH TV ANNOUNCER: We now return to The Crown.
186
00:07:46,341 --> 00:07:48,282
(woman mumbling in British accent)
187
00:07:48,343 --> 00:07:51,285
(man mumbling in British accent)
188
00:07:51,346 --> 00:07:53,120
I actually kind of love it.
189
00:07:53,223 --> 00:07:54,789
Ah, me, too.
190
00:07:54,850 --> 00:07:57,717
It's 'cause I'm trash,
and I love how fancy it is.
191
00:07:57,869 --> 00:07:59,627
Dad, this doesn't help
with Christmas.
192
00:07:59,688 --> 00:08:02,129
Yeah, we're screwed.
Who's gonna decorate?
193
00:08:02,191 --> 00:08:03,982
Who's gonna
cook Christmas dinner?
194
00:08:04,175 --> 00:08:06,133
Okay, calm down.
Now, I know your mom's gone,
195
00:08:06,153 --> 00:08:08,728
and we're a little worried,
but Daddy's got a plan.
196
00:08:08,822 --> 00:08:11,715
All right, everybody, go outside
and kneel face-first
197
00:08:11,775 --> 00:08:14,141
in front
of Daddy's big pre-dug hole.
198
00:08:14,203 --> 00:08:15,885
Come on, Peter.
We can do this.
199
00:08:15,904 --> 00:08:17,345
All right, Plan B.
200
00:08:17,347 --> 00:08:19,723
I take two pills I got
after my root canal
201
00:08:19,824 --> 00:08:20,982
and listen to records.
202
00:08:21,043 --> 00:08:24,169
(smooth jazz playing)
203
00:08:24,362 --> 00:08:27,047
It's been four days.
204
00:08:34,872 --> 00:08:37,516
Huh. Not too bad.
205
00:08:47,194 --> 00:08:49,844
First of all, these are
really good binoculars.
206
00:08:49,905 --> 00:08:51,771
Second, this was a great plan.
207
00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:56,201
Watching the family fall apart
without me is better than Cabo.
208
00:08:56,394 --> 00:08:57,944
Ah. Look at them.
209
00:08:58,038 --> 00:08:59,612
I'll get a phone call any minute
210
00:08:59,706 --> 00:09:02,240
begging me to come back
and save Christmas.
211
00:09:02,434 --> 00:09:06,694
But in the meantime, it's time
for a little relaxation.
212
00:09:06,713 --> 00:09:08,621
MOTEL TV ANNOUNCER: Welcome to the Quahog Motel,
213
00:09:08,715 --> 00:09:10,623
the winner of Tripadvisor's award for
214
00:09:10,717 --> 00:09:13,943
"Best In-Room Stationery to Write Your Suicide Note On".
215
00:09:14,004 --> 00:09:15,887
Yeah, this is gonna work.
216
00:09:16,080 --> 00:09:20,392
Now all I have to do is lie here
and wait, like a cobra.
217
00:09:20,585 --> 00:09:23,620
-Cobra? Party of one?
-Yes, that's me.
218
00:09:23,638 --> 00:09:25,288
And would you like me to bring
your drink from the bar?
219
00:09:25,390 --> 00:09:28,441
Uh, yes. I have no hands?
220
00:09:32,614 --> 00:09:36,741
All right, time to put up
the 2020 Christmas decorations.
221
00:09:36,934 --> 00:09:39,744
First, ethnically-accurate
Jesus goes right here
222
00:09:39,896 --> 00:09:42,155
next to Father Mary
and Mother Josephine,
223
00:09:42,249 --> 00:09:44,732
followed closely by
the three genderless Wise People
224
00:09:44,793 --> 00:09:46,084
on their Bird Scooters,
225
00:09:46,277 --> 00:09:47,568
Tig Notaro for some reason,
226
00:09:47,588 --> 00:09:49,495
and of course,
the Little Drummer Them.
227
00:09:49,590 --> 00:09:52,424
Because God forbid
we call a boy a boy.
228
00:09:52,575 --> 00:09:54,651
-Dad, what are you say...
-I don't like what the world is!
229
00:09:54,753 --> 00:09:56,928
I'm white!
When's it gonna be our turn?!
230
00:09:57,121 --> 00:09:58,822
Peter, relax.
231
00:09:58,882 --> 00:10:00,323
How am I supposed to relax?
232
00:10:00,342 --> 00:10:01,841
Christmas is tomorrow,
and that woman
233
00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:03,417
who normally does everything had
234
00:10:03,478 --> 00:10:04,844
to go help her sick aunt
or something.
235
00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:06,104
-You mean Lois?
-I don't know.
236
00:10:06,255 --> 00:10:07,831
The redhead with the voice.
237
00:10:07,891 --> 00:10:10,516
She usually hangs up
these stupid Christmas lights.
238
00:10:10,611 --> 00:10:12,444
And these stupid
Christmas wreaths.
239
00:10:12,595 --> 00:10:15,980
And the white wire reindeers
that look like ghosts.
240
00:10:16,174 --> 00:10:17,598
Dad, look.
241
00:10:17,659 --> 00:10:19,701
(angelic singing)
242
00:10:23,239 --> 00:10:26,273
Oh, my God, it's perfect.
243
00:10:26,335 --> 00:10:27,684
-(phone ringing)
-Hello?
244
00:10:27,744 --> 00:10:29,777
QUAGMIRE: Yeah, Merry Christmas.
245
00:10:29,796 --> 00:10:31,129
Um, listen, Peter, can you turn down those lights?
246
00:10:31,280 --> 00:10:33,280
I'm in bed with a three, and, um,
247
00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:36,426
extra light is not her friend.
248
00:10:40,256 --> 00:10:43,700
Oh, my God.
Stewie doesn't have a jacket on,
249
00:10:43,760 --> 00:10:45,977
but other than that,
Peter's done it.
250
00:10:46,170 --> 00:10:48,221
(giggling)
251
00:10:48,357 --> 00:10:50,056
Yeah. Oh, you're gonna get it.
252
00:10:50,192 --> 00:10:52,133
You like it rough, don't ya?
253
00:10:52,194 --> 00:10:53,985
Oops, wrong room.
254
00:10:54,137 --> 00:10:57,155
Sorry. We're excited.
My wife just killed herself.
255
00:10:57,306 --> 00:11:00,325
♪ ♪
256
00:11:00,494 --> 00:11:05,121
(instrumental
"Deck the Halls" plays)
257
00:11:41,535 --> 00:11:43,184
What the hell?
258
00:11:43,203 --> 00:11:45,611
They've never had a front yard
family snowball fight
259
00:11:45,706 --> 00:11:47,597
when I was there.
260
00:11:47,657 --> 00:11:49,615
Oh, and now the local news
is there.
261
00:11:49,710 --> 00:11:51,784
Hello. I'm Tom Tucker.
This just in.
262
00:11:51,878 --> 00:11:56,122
Husband does what wife normally
does, comma, makes headlines.
263
00:11:56,216 --> 00:11:58,624
Come on. You can't be...
264
00:11:58,777 --> 00:12:00,218
Oh, look at Quagmire
265
00:12:00,411 --> 00:12:02,262
trying to sneak that three out
of his house.
266
00:12:05,559 --> 00:12:07,450
(sighs)
267
00:12:07,469 --> 00:12:09,635
Now they're standing
hand-in-hand?
268
00:12:09,730 --> 00:12:11,971
It's like
they've never been happier.
269
00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:14,123
Wait. What's Peter saying?
270
00:12:14,225 --> 00:12:16,067
(distorted, slowly):
I...
271
00:12:16,260 --> 00:12:20,646
love... you.
272
00:12:20,741 --> 00:12:22,648
(gasps)
They better not say it back
273
00:12:22,743 --> 00:12:26,652
also in distorted slow-motion
to emphasize my horror.
274
00:12:26,788 --> 00:12:30,823
ALL (distorted, slowly):
I... love... you...
275
00:12:30,959 --> 00:12:33,826
too... Dad.
276
00:12:33,920 --> 00:12:35,754
That's it.
277
00:12:35,905 --> 00:12:37,313
There's only one thing to do.
278
00:12:37,373 --> 00:12:39,983
I must put an end
to this whole thing.
279
00:12:40,001 --> 00:12:42,835
I must stop Christmas.
280
00:12:42,929 --> 00:12:44,821
(distant gas expulsion)
281
00:12:44,881 --> 00:12:47,581
Hey, what do you think
this is-- a Lids?
282
00:12:47,642 --> 00:12:49,601
ANNOUNCER: Lids: come get a camouflage Knicks hat
283
00:12:49,752 --> 00:12:51,160
and let one rip.
284
00:12:51,221 --> 00:12:52,996
Find us in the corner of the mall
285
00:12:53,014 --> 00:12:55,565
where all the lights are going on and off.
286
00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:04,357
Thanks for the ride.
287
00:13:04,451 --> 00:13:06,433
And your unsolicited
racial theories.
288
00:13:06,453 --> 00:13:11,030
I'm telling you:
is the Turks, every time.
289
00:13:11,182 --> 00:13:14,417
-Merry Christmas.
-(speaking native language)
290
00:13:24,179 --> 00:13:26,696
And now, to ruin Christmas.
291
00:13:26,798 --> 00:13:28,197
(gasps)
292
00:13:28,258 --> 00:13:31,184
Who left all
these dirty dishes out?
293
00:13:32,203 --> 00:13:33,703
Okay, much better.
294
00:13:33,763 --> 00:13:37,190
I'm not even gonna think
about the grocery situation.
295
00:13:40,103 --> 00:13:42,153
(sighs)
296
00:13:43,073 --> 00:13:45,240
(gasps)
297
00:13:48,370 --> 00:13:51,571
Okay. Ruin Christmas.
Here we go.
298
00:13:51,723 --> 00:13:53,832
Don't even care if they
transferred the wet clothes
299
00:13:54,025 --> 00:13:57,151
from the washer to the dryer.
300
00:13:57,254 --> 00:14:00,839
Oh, you see?
I knew it. I knew it.
301
00:14:01,032 --> 00:14:04,133
♪ ♪
302
00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:21,175
STEWIE:
Santa Claus?
303
00:14:21,194 --> 00:14:23,769
Why are you taking
our Christmas tree?
304
00:14:23,864 --> 00:14:27,590
Why are you in pigtails
and a little girl's nightgown?
305
00:14:27,692 --> 00:14:31,953
Okay, okay, maybe
we both forget what we saw.
306
00:14:38,253 --> 00:14:40,937
God, I hate being alone
during the holidays.
307
00:14:40,997 --> 00:14:43,272
Wait!
308
00:14:43,333 --> 00:14:45,775
Hello, Joan.
My name is Glenn Quagmire.
309
00:14:45,793 --> 00:14:47,719
I'm just calling to see
if I have a payment due
310
00:14:47,912 --> 00:14:49,612
on my Discover card.
311
00:14:49,631 --> 00:14:51,890
What? No, I'm not alone
on Christmas.
312
00:14:52,058 --> 00:14:55,727
I'll have you know I'm actually
here with my very large family.
313
00:14:55,920 --> 00:14:58,730
Uh, prove it by telling you
my children's real names
314
00:14:58,923 --> 00:15:01,215
that don't sound like
I made them up in a panic?
315
00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:04,444
Uh, uh, Bloofus and Klunt.
316
00:15:05,630 --> 00:15:07,221
Look, there's kids, okay?
317
00:15:07,324 --> 00:15:09,148
Oh, what, you don't believe me?
318
00:15:09,242 --> 00:15:11,300
Bloofus, that vase
was irreplaceable.
319
00:15:11,319 --> 00:15:13,060
Oh, boy, Joan, I'm gonna
have to let you go.
320
00:15:13,121 --> 00:15:15,805
Wait. You think I was the one
who knocked over that vase?
321
00:15:15,865 --> 00:15:17,807
How dare you, madam.
322
00:15:18,643 --> 00:15:20,810
Oh, now Klunt's acting up.
Don't have kids, Joan.
323
00:15:20,870 --> 00:15:23,588
It's a big mistake.
Merry Christmas. (beeps)
324
00:15:33,124 --> 00:15:34,748
(all gasp)
325
00:15:34,768 --> 00:15:38,511
Merry Christmas, everybo...
Hey, what happened?
326
00:15:38,663 --> 00:15:40,772
Peter, I... I think
we've been robbed.
327
00:15:40,965 --> 00:15:42,607
(gasps)
I can't believe it.
328
00:15:42,758 --> 00:15:44,350
They stole the presents,
they stole the decorations.
329
00:15:44,486 --> 00:15:46,945
They even stole our tree.
330
00:15:47,138 --> 00:15:49,338
I want my presents.
331
00:15:49,399 --> 00:15:50,673
Okay, let's just settle down.
332
00:15:50,692 --> 00:15:52,175
Everybody kneel in the backyard
333
00:15:52,235 --> 00:15:54,435
in front of Daddy's
big pre-dug hole.
334
00:15:54,454 --> 00:15:56,179
You know, Peter,
this never would've happened
335
00:15:56,197 --> 00:15:58,347
if you hadn't gotten rid
of that Ring doorbell camera.
336
00:15:58,408 --> 00:16:01,184
Ugh, someone crapped
on the porch again.
337
00:16:01,244 --> 00:16:02,961
I'm checking the footage.
338
00:16:04,655 --> 00:16:06,464
Whoever it was probably
had no choice, is my guess.
339
00:16:06,657 --> 00:16:08,357
Their family was probably
using all the bathrooms.
340
00:16:08,418 --> 00:16:10,718
That's probably what happened,
whoever did that.
341
00:16:16,726 --> 00:16:18,534
ANNOUNCER (over TV): We now return to Tony Bennett's
342
00:16:18,594 --> 00:16:20,720
Half-Asleep
Christmas Spectacular.
343
00:16:20,855 --> 00:16:23,889
♪ A-jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle bells... ♪
344
00:16:23,984 --> 00:16:25,316
(snores)
345
00:16:25,468 --> 00:16:26,559
PRODUCER: Tony!
346
00:16:26,653 --> 00:16:28,802
♪ Fa, la, la, la, la... ♪
347
00:16:28,822 --> 00:16:31,030
-(snores) -ANNOUNCER: Coming up on Tony Bennett's
348
00:16:31,182 --> 00:16:32,824
Half-Asleep
Christmas Spectacular,
349
00:16:33,017 --> 00:16:34,884
a duet with Willie Nelson.
350
00:16:34,986 --> 00:16:36,828
♪ ♪
351
00:16:37,021 --> 00:16:38,237
(both snoring)
352
00:16:38,331 --> 00:16:40,223
PRODUCER: Guys!
353
00:16:40,241 --> 00:16:42,241
-♪ O, come ♪
-♪ Just hear those ♪
354
00:16:42,393 --> 00:16:44,002
-♪ Let us adore him ♪
-♪ Sleigh bells ringing ♪
355
00:16:44,153 --> 00:16:45,652
♪ And jing-jing-jingling, too... ♪
356
00:16:45,755 --> 00:16:48,822
I'm back from Mexico,
and definitely not
357
00:16:48,883 --> 00:16:51,342
-Cost Plus World Market.
-Welcome back, Lois.
358
00:16:51,511 --> 00:16:53,252
I cleaned and got groceries.
359
00:16:53,388 --> 00:16:56,330
But I'm afraid we have bad news:
we've been robbed.
360
00:16:56,391 --> 00:16:57,998
Robbed?
361
00:16:58,059 --> 00:17:00,426
On Christmas?
(gasps)
362
00:17:00,520 --> 00:17:02,078
Oh, my God.
363
00:17:02,138 --> 00:17:03,670
I-I go away for one Christmas,
364
00:17:03,773 --> 00:17:05,506
and everything goes
down the drain.
365
00:17:05,567 --> 00:17:07,767
All of you must
feel so terrible.
366
00:17:07,902 --> 00:17:11,362
Well, we did, until we realized
there was one present
367
00:17:11,555 --> 00:17:13,923
-we still had.
-There is?
368
00:17:13,983 --> 00:17:16,776
-Yeah, Mom. Yours.
-(gasps)
369
00:17:16,928 --> 00:17:20,446
Remember how you said you wanted
a gift from the heart this year?
370
00:17:20,598 --> 00:17:22,782
Well, we all got you something.
371
00:17:22,876 --> 00:17:24,375
We kept it upstairs
because we didn't think
372
00:17:24,568 --> 00:17:26,118
you'd be here for Christmas.
373
00:17:26,254 --> 00:17:28,637
Oh, well, that's nice.
374
00:17:28,639 --> 00:17:31,031
We really made a point
to stay on top of the dishes
375
00:17:31,051 --> 00:17:32,441
while you were gone.
376
00:17:32,502 --> 00:17:35,178
Here you go, Mom.
It's from all of us.
377
00:17:36,872 --> 00:17:38,372
Read the card first.
378
00:17:38,391 --> 00:17:41,017
We put Brian's name on it,
but he's just the dog.
379
00:17:41,895 --> 00:17:43,061
"Dear Mom, we're sorry
380
00:17:43,254 --> 00:17:45,454
"we disappointed you
this Christmas.
381
00:17:45,473 --> 00:17:46,972
"We know you put
a lot of hard work
382
00:17:47,067 --> 00:17:49,125
"into making
Christmas memorable.
383
00:17:49,143 --> 00:17:51,885
"We love and appreciate
everything you do.
384
00:17:51,946 --> 00:17:53,887
"We'll never let you down again.
385
00:17:53,948 --> 00:17:56,723
That you can count on."
386
00:17:56,785 --> 00:17:58,818
Wow. That's...
387
00:17:58,953 --> 00:18:00,820
that's really nice.
388
00:18:00,955 --> 00:18:03,155
-There's more on the back.
-Oh.
389
00:18:03,249 --> 00:18:05,474
"You see, having a mom
is not something
390
00:18:05,535 --> 00:18:08,569
"we take for granted,
because you only get one.
391
00:18:08,630 --> 00:18:12,665
"And the one we have
is perfect in every way.
392
00:18:12,759 --> 00:18:14,834
We love you."
(gasps)
393
00:18:14,928 --> 00:18:16,819
It's beautiful, you guys.
394
00:18:16,921 --> 00:18:18,930
Now use this black light
to read what we wrote
395
00:18:19,123 --> 00:18:20,823
in invisible ink
while This Is Us'
396
00:18:20,925 --> 00:18:23,993
"sad stuff's about to happen"
acoustic guitar plays.
397
00:18:24,053 --> 00:18:25,161
♪ ♪
398
00:18:25,221 --> 00:18:27,421
"Mom, from the very start,
399
00:18:27,524 --> 00:18:29,423
"you've always been there
for us.
400
00:18:29,484 --> 00:18:31,609
"And we know you've
always supported us
401
00:18:31,802 --> 00:18:35,780
"and would never do anything
to let us down or hurt us.
402
00:18:35,973 --> 00:18:38,950
"Thanks for making
every Christmas so memorable.
403
00:18:39,119 --> 00:18:41,953
We love you so much, Mom."
404
00:18:42,122 --> 00:18:44,580
Oh, God, I'm gonna cry.
405
00:18:46,960 --> 00:18:49,168
And look up in the sky.
406
00:18:53,466 --> 00:18:55,633
Aw, we should've read
that one first.
407
00:18:55,826 --> 00:18:58,052
Now open your present.
408
00:19:00,348 --> 00:19:02,590
(chuckles)
Wow.
409
00:19:02,700 --> 00:19:04,200
W-What is it?
410
00:19:04,218 --> 00:19:06,869
It's a bowl we all made for you
in a pottery class.
411
00:19:06,888 --> 00:19:09,981
A denim-shirted
lesbian named CJ helped us.
412
00:19:10,174 --> 00:19:11,965
It's...
(grunts)
413
00:19:12,026 --> 00:19:13,317
it's beautiful.
414
00:19:13,486 --> 00:19:14,652
NARRATOR: And what happened next?
415
00:19:14,845 --> 00:19:17,321
Well, in Quahog they say,
416
00:19:17,514 --> 00:19:21,576
Lois's heart grew three sizes that day.
417
00:19:22,829 --> 00:19:25,221
(monitor beeping)
418
00:19:25,281 --> 00:19:27,056
Never seen anything like it.
419
00:19:27,167 --> 00:19:29,149
Very dangerous.
She's lucky to be alive.
420
00:19:29,210 --> 00:19:30,984
♪ ♪
421
00:19:31,087 --> 00:19:33,729
-Thank God you're okay.
-We love you, Mom.
422
00:19:33,789 --> 00:19:36,399
Best Christmas ever.
423
00:19:36,417 --> 00:19:40,160
NARRATOR: The medical emergency distractd the family from her crimes.
424
00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:41,662
She never did confess.
425
00:19:41,723 --> 00:19:43,923
Instead, the Griffins' Muslim neighbor
426
00:19:44,075 --> 00:19:45,850
was arrested for the break-in.
427
00:19:46,001 --> 00:19:50,188
Lois said nothing and the man was deported back to Turkey.
428
00:19:50,356 --> 00:19:52,005
DRIVER: See? What I tell you?
429
00:19:52,025 --> 00:19:53,599
Always Turkey.
430
00:19:53,693 --> 00:19:55,443
(speaking gibberish)
431
00:20:02,360 --> 00:20:04,109
Well, it's good
to have you back, Lois.
432
00:20:04,262 --> 00:20:06,595
(laughs): If I kept having to
wash dishes and buy groceries,
433
00:20:06,656 --> 00:20:09,265
-I was gonna go crazy.
-Okay.
434
00:20:09,325 --> 00:20:12,952
So, Mom, who are these cousins
you were in Mexico with?
435
00:20:13,087 --> 00:20:15,438
Oh, you know, just my cousins.
436
00:20:15,498 --> 00:20:17,048
-Which ones?
-Yeah, Mom.
437
00:20:17,241 --> 00:20:18,716
Prove it by telling us
cousin names
438
00:20:18,909 --> 00:20:21,052
that don't sound like
you made them up in a panic.
439
00:20:21,221 --> 00:20:23,128
(raspberry)
Of course I can do that.
440
00:20:23,223 --> 00:20:26,632
My good, close cousins
Bloofus and Klunt.
441
00:20:26,726 --> 00:20:31,712
(chuckles) In fact, I think
I hear them upstairs right now.
442
00:20:31,814 --> 00:20:33,064
(rapid footsteps)
443
00:20:33,257 --> 00:20:35,291
Bloofus? Klunt?
444
00:20:35,393 --> 00:20:37,810
-(thudding, clattering)
-Oh, no, Bloofus,
445
00:20:37,904 --> 00:20:41,297
not Meg's diorama project,
which is due tomorrow.
446
00:20:41,357 --> 00:20:43,649
-(thudding, crashing)
-Oh, no, Klunt,
447
00:20:43,743 --> 00:20:45,801
that was Stewie's aquarium
with the fish
448
00:20:45,861 --> 00:20:47,303
you have to feed so damn much
449
00:20:47,363 --> 00:20:49,413
and they basically
always die anyway.
450
00:20:49,565 --> 00:20:51,490
Frickin' Klunt, man.
451
00:20:51,626 --> 00:20:55,419
LOIS:
Bloofus, put down Peter's pills
that came in a discreet box.
452
00:20:55,612 --> 00:20:56,754
Got to go.
453
00:20:56,905 --> 00:20:58,314
(rapid footsteps)
454
00:20:58,374 --> 00:21:00,816
-PETER: Bloofus.
-(toilet flushes)
455
00:21:00,835 --> 00:21:02,510
Bloofus!
456
00:21:32,333 --> 00:21:34,500
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