Original subtitles

Hello, Mr. Michaux! You're no bother at all!

I'm practicing in the park with my boomerang.

I do it before the office, to relieve stress.

Dinner Wednesday evening? I'd be delighted!

Hi!

- Coming to the game Wednesday? - No, I have a dinner date.

- Coffee, Charlie. - What dinner date?

- One of our big customers invited me. - Why you?

At the bank, he stops at my window and chats.

- What about? - Everything: politics,

showbiz, sports. He asks my opinion and I tell him.

Why you? You're an idiot!

Listen, there'll be bigshots at that dinner!

Mr. Perier says they're very interested in my ideas.

So maybe the idiot isn't me, OK?

That's wonderful!

I'll definitely be there on Wednesday,

barring a snag...

- You coming or going? - Going.

To Biarritz.

- Why there? - It's my dad's birthday.

Hug him for me.

A coffee, please.

- Coming Wednesday? - No, I'm busy. Are you going?

Sure. I'm in a bind: I don't have an idiot.

I've looked all over. Got one on hand?

No, but I'll think about it. I'm late.

What's that?

Dad collects them. A beauty, huh?

18th century, he'll love it.

- Your dad collects ladles? - He has over 300.

He's retired: keeps him busy.

Interesting! Could he discuss his passion in public,

- tell us the story of ladles? - No, Pierre.

- Does he come to Paris? - No, Pierre, not Dad.

It's a very original hobby.

- You want him for your dinner? - How can you say that?

I'd take your dad to an idiot dinner?

Yes.

So I'm a bastard, eh?

Yes.

I was just kidding.

But I don't have an idiot yet. I'm panicked.

Hi, there.

Sorry!

Thanks.

- Sorry, it fell out. - That's OK.

- Don't you recognize it? - What?

The Eiffel Tower! Made of matchsticks. 346,422 to be exact.

You did that?

One of my finest pieces.

- You've done others? - I'll say!

...Take the problem of lift. In this construction,

that was the biggest challenge: lift!

But let's be basic: what is...

a suspension bridge?

The angle of the matches can't be a tenth of a degree off!

A tenth of a degree,

think of it!

The Concorde was a different problem.

- Here's a little quiz... - We've arrived!

Which took me...

- longer, Eiffel or Concorde? - We've arrived!

Already!

How time flies!

Pierre Brochant, please. It's Jean Cordier.

Pierre? I've got one!

- What's he like? - A world champion!

THE DINNER GAME

PARIS - The Ministry of Finance

How's the soccer fan?

"Marseilles are turds, for the birds!"

Paris'll get it Wednesday!

Look at that asshole!

Sorry, Louisette.

I'm used to it.

Brochant Publishers here. Mr. Pignon, please.

Speaking.

Mr. Brochant for you.

- Mr. Pignon? - Yes.

A friend, Jean Cordier, met you.

It was on the train.

Yes, of course...

He said a lot about you. I want to meet you.

To meet me?

Francois Pignon! He was so awed, he was speechless.

It'll be a delight!

- Who's Michaux bringing? - A boomerang collector.

- That's a good one. - Priceless, I hear.

- How many will we be? - Ten, with Pignon.

It's shaping up.

- Shit! - What is it?

Christine!

- Did you cancel out of your dinner? - My God, that's cold!

- Did you cancel out? - A sore back needs heat...

- Dr. Sorbier said ice. - You reached him?

In his car. He'll be here soon.

Great. I need a drink. A splash of scotch.

- Does a bad back make one deaf? - No, I didn't cancel out.

You're still going to that vicious dinner?

It's great fun. You think it's vicious...

Don't sulk just because I enjoy it!

Cancel your dinner. Stay with me. I'm a bit low.

So come with me, for a change. You'll enjoy

our dinners.

Inviting a poor guy to make fun of him?

But he's an idiot! Idiots are fair game.

A drink at his place, then dinner.

At a restaurant?

No, his friend has organized a big dinner.

I'm nervous... Which one?

They're the same.

This one's redder. It's more imaginative.

Mustn't forget my model file...

He wants to do a book! On my models, you realize?

Hurry, you'll be late.

You asked him here?

To study him before the dinner. I hear he's fabulous.

I'll leave you two together. Enjoy!

- Where are you going? - I have a dinner too.

I didn't want to go...

Dinner with whom?

Is it him? I won't meet him.

No, it's the doctor.

- Sorbier. - Come on up, doctor.

Good evening, doctor.

Fix him: he has an important dinner tonight.

An idiot dinner. Each regular has to bring an idiot...

Christine, please!

The idiots don't know why they've been picked.

The fun is making them talk. Hilarious!

Not to me, so I won't go. Good night, doctor.

Sorry. It was for a sore back, not a family squabble.

Can I wash my hands?

First door on the left.

In college, we gave "dog" dinners.

The ugliest girl got a prize.

Yes, we did that too.

- Idiots are funnier. - But less definite.

Some idiots are flagrant.

This one's unmistakable.

You look great.

Thanks, Louisette.

Have a nice evening. Dazzle them!

- A friend of yours? - No.

My friends are not that dumb.

We pick aces. This is big league.

- Where do you find them? - It's hard.

A real manhunt. We have scouts who tip us off.

5th lumbar vertebra!

- Is it serious? - No, but call off your dinner.

No!

Rest your back tonight. I'll stop by tomorrow.

I have an A-one idiot coming!

Give me a shot! I don't care! Anything!

The icebag and rest.

Or you'll be out for 3 weeks.

I'm jinxed.

My phone book, please.

The phone.

What's his name?

- What does he do? - He's a tax man.

That's dangerous. What if he finds out?

He won't. We're careful. No idiot ever found out.

He's out.

- Holy shit! - What?

His message. He tries to be witty. Pathetic.

Francois is out, but don't pout!

No need to weep, wait for the beep!

Your turn to peep!

- Isn't he something? - Outstanding, I'd say.

- Here he is. - Don't move, I'll get it.

It's Francois Pignon.

5th floor, left.

He's coming.

I'll leave you a sedative: take 2

- if you're in pain. - Wait for him. It'll be fun.

I'm late. See you tomorrow. Call me at home

- if it's worse. - See you. Leave the door open.

- Do me a favor. - Certainly.

Never invite me to dinner. I'd wonder!

- Good evening. - Evening, sir.

Go on in. It's open.

Evening, Mr. Pignon! Come on in!

I can't get up.

I wrenched my back. We'll have to put off our dinner.

I'm sorry for you. A sore back is no fun.

It's silly. What are you doing next Wednesday?

Next Wednesday... nothing.

My friend's giving another dinner: you're invited.

How very nice.

We missed you today. We won't miss you next week.

...I'm talking about the authentic boomerang,

not those you find in Sydney souvenir stores,

the primitive boomerang of proud aborigine warriors,

that boomerang

has a dynamism, a motion, when it's thrown correctly,

that is miraculous!

How are you?

Not too hot. I'm a wreck... It's a real shame.

Sit down...

No, tonight it won't be possible.

We haven't sat down to dinner yet, so...

It can behead a kangaroo from 150ft!

OK, but don't count on us.

Yes, he's here...

Very nice.

He has the look of a winner.

I'll have him there next week. 'Bye!

So how are you, Mr. Pignon?

Very well, thanks.

The message on your machine is so witty.

Really? I wanted it to be original.

I'm still laughing.

Everybody comments on it. Friends ask me to do

- their messages. - I can see why.

I could do yours...

No need.

Takes a jiffy...

No, it's fine as it is.

A bit stuffy for you...

I'm delighted to meet you.

Likewise. Since you called me at the Ministry,

I've been walking on air.

I thought it was a gag. Did I sound dumb on the phone?

Yes... I mean, no. You were perfect.

A big publisher wanting to do a book on my models,

inviting me to dinner.

You've changed my life.

The book project isn't firm yet...

I brought photos of my finest pieces.

Superb.

- Took me 8 months. - It shows.

You do them at night?

And weekends. Whenever I have time.

- Are you married? - Yes... I mean, no.

Tancarville Bridge.

Great! Are you married or not?

Let's say... my wife left me.

For a friend of mine.

Those things happen.

A guy I knew at the Ministry, not a bad guy.

I invited him home: she fell for him.

I don't know why, because between us, he's no genius.

How many matches in this one?

He's no genius?

The guy she ran off with. What a dumbbell!

Come on, say a number.

Dumber than... You're smart: how does he rate against you?

Sorry to be vulgar, but there's only one word: he's an asshole!

My God!

Well?

How could she run off with an asshole?

I agree. He only talks about windsurfing!

- Can I meet him? - You like windsurfing?

I adore it.

Then you'll love J.P. Benjamin! We call him Dumbo.

He's in the phone book. Under Benjamin, not Dumbo.

So how many matches?

2000?

346,422!

That's not all. How many

tubes of glue?

We're going to that dinner!

- You can walk? - I'll try.

- Got a car? - Sure.

If you drive, we'll manage. Help me up.

Here we go.

You OK?

Take it easy.

37!

Tubes of glue. 37.

We'll spend a wonderful evening, Mr. Pignon!

I'm so sorry... Are you hurt?

Any broken bones?

- Now what? - A chiropractor!

- No need. - A buddy. He's great.

- I don't need him! - The best in North Paris.

I don't want him! Go home, I'll be fine.

And the dinner?

It's off. I'm in no shape now!

The machine's on.

We're out. Speak after the beep.

Your message is a bit flat.

It's me. I'm not coming home tonight.

I may never come home again.

Sorry to tell

you this on a machine, but maybe it's best.

Good-bye, Pierre.

I'll be off...

- Sure you don't need anything? - No.

Everything's fine. Good night.

Sorry...

I forgot my briefcase.

I'm with you, Mr. Brochant. All the way!

Thanks a lot, good-bye.

Good-bye.

What can I do for you?

Nothing, I'm fine, good night.

I really know what you're going through.

I'd like to be left alone!

I said that when she left me. And I nearly died of grief in my home.

You've got a bad back, too!

She hasn't left me. She's a bit low.

She'll be back. Go home, good night!

"She'll be back". That's what I said. 2 years ago!

I'm off to bed, turn out the lights.

Can't I call my chiropractor buddy?

No!

He's great. And cheap. Know what he charges for house calls?

I'm with Prof. Sorbier of the West Side Hospital.

I don't need your buddy!

Yours may be good, but look at you now!

Because you fell on me!

Why do I argue with this jerk?

You're like a horse that missed a jump. At the track, they'd shoot you.

Go away, Mr. Pignon!

Your back could be fatal.

If the spinal marrow is affected, it's paralysis.

You'll need a miracle!

- Call Sorbier! - That's better!

What's his number?

In that book...

Prof. Sorbier, please. For Pierre Brochant.

I need the doctor, it's an emergency.

There's no doctor here.

Sorry, I dialed a wrong number.

I skipped a line.

The writing's so tiny...

Hang up!

Yes, I'm at his place...

He's here...

No, he's in rotten shape...

A crick in his back. Lousy luck, he can't move,

he's spread out on the floor

like an old sack.

Who are you talking to?

Who am I talking to?

Really?

Then I can tell you he's in very bad shape.

His wife left him, too.

He's broken, body and soul!

Stop that!

I must hang up, his nerves are cracking. I will. Bye!

It was your sister!

I don't have one.

You don't?

I said, "Who is this?" She said, "His sister".

He called Marlene!

She's not your sister?

Her name is Marlene Hissister!

How could I know? She said: "Marlene, his sister". It's confusing.

Gimme that phone.

Hurry!

If my wife's gone, she'll come running.

All I need is a nymphomaniac!

She's a nympho, too? Oh, my!

Drop it!

If I call, she'll go on for hours! Say my wife's back.

Hurry, dammit!

- My wife's back, all's well. - Really?

That's what you say!

Right, sorry.

Marlene Hissister!

Marlene Hissister?

Me again. I'm calling to say Mrs Brochant came home.

Yes, a moment ago.

She's fine, Mr. Brochant is fine, everybody's fine.

His back is sore, but he's taking it well..

Say good-bye!

I'm not really a friend of his. He likes my models.

I make matchstick models of engineering feats,

Tancarville bridge, the Golden Gate bridge...

- She doesn't care! - She's very interested!

Don't tie up my phone!

Sorry, I have to go now,

he needs me and in his shape I can't leave him alone.

Oh, my God!

All alone? His wife isn't back?

What?

Sure she's back... but she stepped out...

She hasn't walked out, she stepped out... To empty the garbage.

What is this?

Aries, with Gemini rising...

- Aries don't lie... I'm not lying. - Enough!

I'll be right over.

She said "I'll be right over" and hung up.

Give me that phone!

Sorry, I played it too cool... I didn't expect her

to be so cunning.

It's you, darling... I'll drop off the dogs and be right over.

Don't! My wife'll be home any minute, don't come over!

Sorry, but I doubt she'll be returning.

Know what I think? She's gone back to Leblanc.

Leblanc! Why bring him up?... Leblanc, that's all over!

I say she's with no one! Please stay home tonight, OK?

That nut won't listen!

You can go now, I need to be alone.

Can I help you to your room? You can't sleep on the floor!

Get me to the sofa.

Gently.

Look ahead.

- They're all alike, eh? - What?

I overheard: I gather yours, too, ran off with someone.

She ran off with nobody.

Mine ran off with nobody, too.

Because J.P. Benjamin is a nobody. But she ran off with him!

Hadn't we said good-bye?

Yes, I'll be off...

I'll get you some water for the pills. Then I'll leave.

Is he a friend of yours?

Go to hell!

Briefcase!

When you asked about my life, I didn't say "Go to hell".

Farewell, Mr. Brochant.

Leblanc was my best friend. We quarreled

2 years ago. OK?

Over what? He made a play for your wife!

No, I stole her from him.

He lived with Christine, she left him for me.

They wrote a novel together

- and brought it to me. - Then what?

I took both, the novel and Christine.

All you windsurfers swipe your friends' wives!

I'm not a windsurfer!

Listen, you told me before...

I don't do it enough to swipe my friends'... What am I saying?

Is your curiosity

satisfied?

Why don't you phone him?

Who?

Him. To see if she went back to him!

I call and say: "Did the woman I stole come back?"

You'd be clued in.

I called J.P. Benjamin: "Have you left with Florence?"

He said yes and hung up. At least I knew.

What if I call him?

You?

I say: "I'm a friend of Mrs. Brochant, where can I reach her?"

He won't suspect a thing!

I'm just trying to help.

Thanks. But she's not with him. I need rest.

I won't insist.

Good night!

If I tell you exactly what to say, could you do it?

Sometimes I feel you think I'm an idiot.

Of course I can! What do I say?

We could use the book they wrote.

Tell him you're a movie producer.

You've read the book

- and want the movie rights. - Good idea!

Then casually,

- you ask about his co-author. - Co-author?

My wife! He wrote it with her!

Right, sorry.

- It'll never work! - It will!

- It's not easy, but I got it. - Not easy?

You're a producer, OK?

You have a company in Paris.

No, he knows everybody here. Foreign.

American? German?

Belgian! That's it!

Why Belgian?

It suits you.

You're a Belgian producer, you read "The Merry-Go-Round" and want to buy

- the movie rights, OK? - Is it a good book?

Awful! What's the problem?

- It bothers me a bit. - Why?

If it's awful, why do I want the rights?

You're not a producer, are you?

No.

- You're not Belgian, either? - No.

You're not calling about the book, you're calling about my wife!

That's tricky, but clever as hell!

- What's his number? - 4745...

Never mind, I'll dial it.

- His name is Just Leblanc. - He has no first name?

I told you: Just Leblanc.

Leblanc's his name, Just his first name.

Mr. Pignon, your first name's

Francois. Just think:

His is Just.

We're wasting time.

My wife wrote under her maiden name, Le Guirrec.

She's from Brittany?

Please concentrate!

Sorry.

At the end, ask him where you can contact

Christine Le Guirrec. I'll put on the loudspeaker.

- Go to it. - With a Belgian accent?

Can I talk to Mr. Just Leblanc, like?

Speaking.

Good evening, Mr. Leblanc,

George Van Brueghel here, sorry to bother you so late,

I'm a Belgian producer, just got in from Belgium, like,

and I'm very interested in your novel...

"The Merry-Go-Round"!

I'd like to discuss buying the movie rights.

Is this a gag?

Not at all, why a gag?

- Etienne? - What?

Cut it out, I know it's you.

You're mistaken. I'm not Etienne, I'm a producer from Brussels.

What company?

Beg pardon?

What's your company called?

Flatland Films.

A young, but dynamic company.

- And you're interested in my novel? - Very interested.

For movies or TV?

A movie, for the big screen.

Not the idiot box!

I want to do the screenplay

myself.

No problem. But we're a small company

with limited budgets. If you're not too greedy...

We'll talk money later.

When can I meet you, Mr...?

- Van Breughel... - My wife!

I'll call tomorrow for a meeting.

- Talk to you tomorrow. - Till tomorrow!

There! We have the rights!

And for a song, I'd say! He fell for it, he did!

And my wife?

What?

He forgot my wife!

He gabs 5 minutes and forgets my wife!

I blew it!

This tops my wildest dreams!

Indeed, I blew it.

This is record breaking!

- I'll call back. - Gimme that phone!

I say: "How can I reach your co-author, Christine Le Guirrec?"

Gimme that phone!

Too bad, we were about to find out.

You'll say: "How can I reach your co-author, Christine Le Guirrec?"

Not a word more.

...Some guy with an appalling accent...

Van Brueghel... His company's called Flatland Films...

I never heard of it, either...

Hold on, the other line's ringing.

Sorry to disturb you, it's Van Breughel again.

My agent's on the other line. I'll call you. What's your number?

0145905603.

- He cut me off. - I did, you dolt!

What do you mean, dolt?

You gave him my phone number!

Sure, he wants to call me back.

You never stop, do you?

Sorry, I'm out of my depth. I'm doing my best, but...

World class!

Maybe the world champion!

It's ringing!

It rings, and he's happy!

He's calling... Don't we answer?

We're out, speak after the beep.

Pierre, it's Just.

I wondered about the Belgian weirdo, then realized

you're looking for your wife.

Ask me yourself, without the accent. 'Bye.

Just? It's me. Where is she?

I've waited 2 years for this. But I feel sorry for you.

Don't. Just say if she's with you.

She called to say she'd left you.

She was very upset.

- She say where she was going? - No.

Where could she be?

Painful, eh?

You went through it. I've got a bad back, to boot!

No kidding?

You'd laugh if you saw me. Bent over, unable to move.

Want me to stop by?

You're a pal, I'd rather be alone. Thanks again.

If she does call you again...

I'll call you, I promise.

Thanks.

I don't deserve a friend like you.

Hand me that pad, please.

Put this on the door.

"I've taken a sedative,

"I'm asleep,

"I need to be alone tonight. "

- I hope she won't bug me! - Shall I wait for her?

- You turn in, I'll stand guard. - You've done enough!

I goofed on the phone then.

I'm really sorry, I truly want to help you.

Just help me get to bed.

If you feel low, call me. I'll be back in a second!

No!

Know what I lacked most when mine left?

A friend to hold my hand.

Good-bye.

Miss Hissister! This is for you.

We spoke on the phone.

Aries, with Gemini rising.

I called the doctor and got you. Later I realized: you're his girlfriend.

Girlfriend?

Sorry I garbled it all. It's very simple:

his wife left him, but he doesn't care. He's asleep

and can't be disturbed.

Got that?

Perfectly.

I'll have a word with him!

Marlene!

May I call you Marlene?

Feel free.

I haven't known him long, but I understand him: so take my advice.

I'm listening.

Give it time: his wife has left him, but don't rush in.

Be the sensuous, amusing mistress you are,

all garter belts and champagne...

Keep on seeing him 3 to 4 times a week,

wait for your turn. He'll fall when it's due.

He said he saw me 3 to 4 times a week?

I felt he'd see you every day if he could.

So don't insist. Go home, it's your best move.

You're right, I won't wake him.

Good girl! I'll make a prediction:

he'll soon knock at your door with flowers.

Was he taking you to a dinner?

Yes. Did he mention me?

I'd have known you, anyway.

Nice work!

I saw the light on, figured you weren't asleep.

- You still here? - Thank your stars I am!

- Why? - We had a visitor.

- Who? - The nutcase.

Marlene?

She just left. Wanted to force your door.

You're lucky a guy called Pignon told her: "Keep out!"

You got rid of Marlene?

I don't want to brag, but I was pretty cool.

Sweet but firm. Got rid of her fast. You won't see her again!

That's good news.

A pity, because she's a real looker.

What does she do?

She's a writer.

Another one? You sleep with all your authors?

None of your damn business.

Maybe not. But I say it isn't nice.

I never cheated on my wife.

And the Finance Ministry's a bunny hutch!

Leave me alone now.

Never ends tonight!

Who is it?

It's Mr Leblanc.

- You came... - I felt bad leaving you all alone.

He wasn't alone. Even cared for, right?

Yes, by Mr Pignon who is leaving!

I'm off.

- I'll leave my photos to soothe you. - Nice of you, but keep them.

They're models I make with matchsticks...

Here's one of my finest...

He's not here to talk matchsticks.

Sure, sorry.

Take your photos, I'm in no mood for them.

- What are you up to now? - Still writing.

But I'm published.

- Writing what...? - Later.

I have bad news. She called.

She was torn: coming here or a silly move.

I tried to convince her, but...

A silly move?

Going to Meneaux's place.

Pascal Meneaux,

the ad man. She'll be there now.

- No! - Yes.

He's wooed her for weeks. Tonight she...

Aren't you done?

I'm arranging them chronologically...

- Do that at home! - OK!

Meneaux's the pits!

That's why she went. She's mad at you...

That dime-store Romeo, she's crazy!

Mine picked a real dummy!

Get out of here!

Good night, Mr Brochant.

- Where does he live? - He has a love nest.

But as to the address...

Good night, Mr Leblanc.

It's very secret. No one knows it.

Good night, Mr Brochant!

There must be a way to find it!

Meneaux had a tax audit!

Pascal Meneaux, the ad man: I've seen his file at the Ministry.

My pal's on his case. Meneaux has a love nest,

but it's no secret. Not to us, anyway!

Good night, Mr Brochant!

Get him back in here!

Mr Brochant wants to talk to you.

Forgive me, Francois, I was edgy before.

I admit I was very hurt.

I rid you of that nut, you don't thank me. You spurn my photos...

- Sorry. A drink, Francois? - No thanks.

I'm just arranging them. I won't bother you.

You're no bother.

He does amazing things with matches!

Really?

This was my first, 343 matches.

- Pretty rudimentary. - But promising.

Wait for the next ones!

Could you get us that address?

I'd have to call Cheval.

I hate to now: he's watching soccer on TV.

- An oil derrick. - Superb. You saw it?

Yes.

Know what I called it?

Beau Derrick. After the actress Bo Derek!

Beau Derrick, Bo Derek!

We had a good giggle at the office!

My wife is with a deadly sex-fiend! Please call Cheval!

- Let's wait till half time. - Why?

If the game's dicey, he'll tell me to buzz off. Wait for half time.

- When is that? - Soon. We'd best watch the game.

- Got a TV? - Not for soccer games!

- It's Paris-Marseilles! - Who cares!

Sorry. The TV's in the den.

"Go to it, Paris! Go to it!"

- He's a bit of an idiot! - That's why I invited him.

- Is he the guy...? - Yes! It's awful!

No kidding!

- He's your dinner dolt? - I've had it!

- It's not funny! - Sorry, but you with a bad back

and a broken heart, in his hands...

Stop it!

When she said she'd left you, I didn't laugh.

But seeing you with that jerk...

Don't move.

Attaboy!

Pignon!

Coming!

Paris scored! Half time's in a min...

- She's come home! - Francois Pignon... Marlene.

Who did you toss out before?

Marlene.

This is Marlene. Who did you toss out?

If it's so funny, get out!

Sorry.

A blonde in a beige raincoat?

You said: "That nut will show up!"

A woman shows up. I figure it's the nut!

Who does he mean?

I'll be back...

What did you say to her?

- To who? - My wife!

Not a thing.

She comes home, and you chase her away!

I thought she was the weirdo.

The nympho dumped her dogs and came to make trouble.

Who does he mean?

Please go home! I have a serious problem!

Pierre, listen to me.

Marlene, go away!

I cram 3 dogs in my car to come over, and you throw me out?

Scram, before it gets nasty!

Leave, Marlene!

It's the smart thing to do.

He tossed out my wife!

I'm really sorry.

He drove her straight into Meneaux's arms!

OK, I goofed. But anybody would have made that mistake.

Get out!

We need him. Call Cheval!

I can't stand him!

I'm really sorry. I wanted to help you so badly.

It's half time! We must call Cheval!

I'll make it up to you! Tell me to call Cheval!

Think of Christine! We must save her!

- Tell me to call Cheval! - Tell him!

Call Cheval.

Thanks, Mr Brochant!

It'll work out, you'll see!

Lucien, it's Francois!

How's the big Paris fan?

I'm no die-hard, and the game's not over!

Not over? You asshole! 2 goals down and it's not over?

Paris is a team of clowns, dickheads, fuck-offs!

Yeah? Who got slaughtered last week?

"Up Marseilles' ass, ream it with class!"

Go fuck yourself!

You, too!

What an asshole!

"Marseilles are turds, for the birds!"

He's a jerk!

I'll call him back.

- He's in a class by himself. - It's been like this for hours.

I'm calling him. We feud, but we love each other.

I'm calling because I need a favor.

- OK, on one condition. - What?

Shout: "Go Marseilles, go!"

Let me hear you shout: " Go, Marseilles, go!"

You must!

"Go, Marseilles, go!"

I'm doing this for you, Pierre.

You must need a big favor.

- It's important. - Go on.

You're on the Pascal Meneaux case, the ad man?

Affirmative.

He has a love nest in Paris and I need the address.

You're not his type!

What?

He likes big boobs and hates hairy legs!

He's a live wire!

It's serious, I need that address.

Why do you need it?

It's for a friend who thinks his wife is there.

At Meneaux's? His wife's there? Poor bastard!

- See why I need the address? - You bet!

I've watched Meneaux!

Any skirt drives him dingo!

Talk about a pig!

That's enough!

Do I know this poor sap?

I doubt it... Ever had a tax audit?

No.

- No. What's the address? - I can't tell you now.

- It's at the office. Tomorrow! - That's too late!

It's urgent, it's a personal favor.

Hop over to the Ministry. Now!

Now? What about the game?

Tape it. We'll watch it together.

I'm taping the ice-skating for my wife!

We'll tape the game! Go there for me!

You're a pain! I haven't eaten!

- We'll feed him. - You're invited here.

I don't know your sap!

He's a great guy. Hop over to the Ministry for me.

You're a drag!

I said: "Go, Marseilles, go!". I did!

What's the address?

9 University St, 5th floor, left.

- Be right over. - See ya.

We've won, Mr Sap!... I mean, Mr Brochant.

Wasn't easy, but we won!

- You OK? - Much better. The pills worked.

We've got to tape the game for that cluck.

Cheval's no cluck, he's our best inspector.

Let him loose in this apartment, he'll strip it!

It's dumb to let a tax inspector into your home!

You said I'm your friend!

- He won't go to work on me! - Cheval would audit his mother!

Is that a copy?

If you're clean, if your artworks

were declared, you'll be fine.

What'll we feed him?

Frozen stuff or eggs.

I'll make him a nice omelet!

- Give me a hand. - Watch your back.

- Where do we put it? - It all goes in my room.

Stop laughing!

He drives your wife into adultery and you into a tax audit! What a feat!

- What's that wine? - Lafitte Rothschild '78.

- Don't serve him that! He'll spot it! - It's all I have.

- No table wine? - Not a drop!

I've worked like a dog to avoid cheap wines.

I only have great wines! Or water!

- Does Cheval know about wine? - You bet he does!

You opened a fine bottle. He'll like that!

Hear that? We've got a problem!

I'll solve it. You wait!

It has aroma.

I'm putting vinegar in my Lafitte.

How to turn great wine into rotgut!

There! Wino's delight!

- Taste it! - You taste it!

No, thanks.

Weird... It has more body.

- Damn! - Hasn't wrecked it...

- I'd say it was better. - Definitely.

Let me try.

Right... That's good to know!

That should do it!

- No! - Yes!

- The john? - Over there.

Perfect!

Cheval.

5th floor, left.

- You OK? - Yes.

- Here he is! - I'll get it.

You're giving him that to drink?

Lucien Cheval... Pierre Brochant, Just Leblanc.

Mr Cheval, thank you for...

- Don't tell me! - What?

The soccer score.

OK. But Paris evened the score...

- They did? - No, I was putting you on!

What an asshole!

He's a royal one, isn't he?

The look on his face when I said Paris got even!

He's so happy now! Made his evening!

We're in a hurry. Got the address?

- He's the man I told you about... - Yes, the...

- Right... - The address is in here.

I'm starving.

I'm all set with a fines herbes omelet. You'll love it!

Am I the only one eating?

We've all eaten... So where's this love nest?

I audited a Michel Brochant 3 years ago. Are you related?

Could be. Where does he live?

In prison. He got 5 years.

Nice guy.

Had a fancy place like yours, that we auctioned off!

Where's this love nest?

It'll be buried in all of Meneaux's holdings!

Advertising is lucrative!

What's your racket, Mr Brochant?

Publishing.

Very profitable, too!

Please, the address.

St. James St, that's his home address...

- Where is that love nest? - Here's your omelet!

Thanks, Francois.

An honest table wine. A bit coarse,

but I get it for a song.

Let's taste this omelet.

A masterpiece, Francois!

He's so silly... Thanks, Lucien.

Light, unctuous...

My secret's a few drops of beer in the eggs.

The address, dammit!

Lincoln St, that's his office...

Temple St,

that's not it either...

You been attached?

No, why?

Those light patches. Paintings have been removed.

He doesn't miss a trick! You're fabulous, Lucien!

You came to help or audit?

He came to help! Right?

Hurry! Poor Mr Brochant is in a fix!

Poor Mr Brochant...

Meneaux's an operator, sure.

We say:"The rooster's loose, lock up your hens!"

Here we are: Barrès St. Near the park.

37A Barrès St.

- In Neuilly. - Great!

- I'm off. - Wait, make sure she's there!

Don't go till you're sure of it.

He won't open the door. He's wary!

- I'll smash it. - Easier said than done.

You break in, and she's not there?

- Then what? - What if we phone?

To ask if my wife's in his bed, under his quilt?

Under his quilt!

You through?

You had a knickknack there!

I see the dust ring.

I told you, he's a real pro.

Bravo, Lucien!

You'll make me blush.

Don't be modest! You bust tax dodgers!

We've got the address. Kick 'em out!

Stop it, please!

I've got an idea. Listen to this.

We scare Meneaux to make him come clean.

How?

You say you know your wife's there. You're coming

to wreck his place with 3 tough pals.

Not bad.

If she's there, he'll oust her. We'll know at once.

A fine strategy!

Who phones? Not me, he knows my voice!

He knows mine, too.

And mine. I'm there all day.

I think I'm going to be needed!

- Oh, no! - Only he can do it!

I really feel up to it!

We'll coach him, he'll do fine.

You wait and see!

If you don't want me, just say so!

Who told us to call him?

It must be someone who'd have the number of his love nest.

Say, J.P.Roussin, his partner. They're very close.

Roussin it is.

Why isn't he calling himself?

Why isn't Roussin calling? It'll seem odd.

He can't, he's on a plane,

headed for L.A. Meneaux told me that.

It fits!

We're calling for Roussin who's on a plane.

Perfect!

- Got the strategy? - It's simple.

He has to rehearse! A lot! One hell of a lot!

Sit down. Say after me:

"I'm calling for J.P. Roussin. He's on a plane, but has a message for you. "

- OK. - No, repeat it.

I'm Meneaux, repeat what I said.

I've got it!

Please repeat precisely: "Hello... "

"Hello, I'm calling for J.P. Roussin... "

Good.

"He's on a plane, and has a message for you. "

Perfect!

You add: "Brochant knows everything. "

- OK. - No, repeat it!

Come on, he's no idiot!

"Brochant knows everything. "

Then you say: "He knows about his wife. "

If Meneaux asks who's speaking,

you say:"A friend of Roussin's. Brochant's coming with 3 pals. "

"He's with 3 of his toughest pals. "

He's talented!

- I'm just parroting. - He's excellent!

Couldn't I improvise a bit?

No!

Don't shout! You scared me!

Just stick to what I told you!

Let's go, we're wasting time!

What's the number?

0147473963.

We're off!

I'm scared.

- The strategy's fine. - I'm worried about the executor.

- It's ringing! - Loudspeaker!

Have they done it yet?

- Why doesn't he answer? - He's too busy!

- Pascal Meneaux? - Yes.

He sounds tired. That's bad.

A bad sign.

Sorry to bother you...

I'm calling on behalf of J.P. Roussin.

Yes?

He's on a plane, but he has a message for you.

Go ahead.

- Brochant knows all about it. - What?

He's coming to wreck your place!

Nice going.

Who is this?

A friend of Roussin's: Brochant's coming over, and not alone.

He's with 3 of his toughest pals.

He's crazy! His wife's not here!

You're not with her?

She canceled out.

Roussin said:

"He's with Mrs. Brochant. "

Not at all.

I'm with the wife of the tax man who's auditing me!

What?

A jerk who's hounded me for months.

I'm screwing his wife. Not Mrs. Brochant!

May I use your phone?

Of course.

She went shopping this afternoon,

I asked her to take a form to Meneaux's office. And bingo!

Good evening, Mr Meneaux.

Could I speak to Mrs Cheval please...

You know who I am. We meet tomorrow at 9AM, as usual.

We'll review your whole case.

Now let me speak to my wife.

Charlotte? Don't try to explain.

Leave that place at once!

Yes, put your clothes back on!

Of course you do!

I'm not alone, I can't talk now, we'll talk at home.

Charlotte! I did tape the ice-skating for you.

That wine...

It is a bit coarse.

- I'm going to puke! The bathroom! - Come, Lucien!

First door on the left!

I said left.

Interesting room!

A storage room, for valueless items.

- I don't care. It's awful! - What is?

He's a tax dodger, and I don't care!

Get hold of yourself. Run home and shower. Hang in there.

- Want the tape of the soccer game? - I'm in no mood for that.

- Good-bye, Mr Leblanc. - Good-bye, Mr Cheval.

- Good-bye, Mr Brochant. - Thanks for all your help.

Don't mention it.

We'll meet again soon: I'm going to audit you. All this is suspect.

He recovered fast!

- Where can she be? - I'll go home. If she calls, I'll call.

Thanks.

Good-bye, Mr Pignon.

Is everyone leaving?

Yes, you can leave too.

Yes, it's me.

I'm her husband. Is something wrong?

Which hospital? I'm coming!

She had a car smash. She's in West Side.

- Serious? - Just concussion,

but they're keeping her overnight.

- I could drive you. - No, thanks.

Pierre, it's me.

I know you're there.

You're not being nice.

You promised to leave your wife. Look how you treat me now!

Answer me! I need you, I'm not well!

Pick up the phone! If you don't, I'll do something silly!

His wife had an accident. He's at the hospital.

An accident?

- It's not serious, but... - Serves him right!

Don't say that, Marlene.

Serves him right! He's mean!

His wife's in the hospital, I'll kill myself.

Don't kill yourself. Try to understand, it's been hell...

He's a bastard!

Shit, my glass!... Poor carpet...

Why did I fall for a bastard?

Sorry, I have to hang up.

Don't hang up!

Talk to me some more, it's such a help.

Hang up!

- She's suicidal. - Blackmail, hang up!

Where are my keys?

Don't do anything silly! Swear you won't!

Please be sensible.

You're nice... But he's a bastard!

One hell of a bastard!

Don't say that.

He's so mean!

Even his way of having fun!

I have to go now...

If he hadn't hurt his back, he'd be making fun of a guy.

How'd he be doing that?

Hang up!

Didn't he tell you?

Every week, they hold a "dinner for idiots".

They invite an idiot and make fun of him all night!

Let's go!

Your briefcase.

Make it snappy. I'm in a hurry.

What was tonight's dinner for?

For friends who admired your work!

- Let's go! - Were there other guests?

Let's talk in the elevator.

What kind of guests?

Why these questions?

How do you pick your guests?

Get to the point.

Did you invite me to a dinner for idiots?

It's you, darling. I was just leaving.

How are you?

What do you mean?

I love you, you can't be there all alone!

I've learned a lot tonight, I need you!

To hell with her!

She's not my girlfriend!

That cretin made it up!

I'm coming. We'll talk it over, OK?

The cretin

is leaving. But tell me:

did you invite me to a dinner for idiots?

Look, in one evening

you avenged all the idiots who attended our dinners for all times.

Good night, Mr Pignon.

She's right.

- You're mean. - So I'm mean!

My wife says it, everyone agrees: I'm mean.

Put it on my answering machine: "Brochant is a meanie!"

Don't mix sedatives and alcohol.

Why not? It's the moral of this story:

Brochant the meanie

gets drunk alone in his big pad,

nice Pignon goes home saying: "The bastard got punished!"

"Brochant's a meanie, Pignon's a beanie!"

Now what?

Number of the West Side Hospital.

He's at it again!

Thanks.

You won't get her. It's a city hospital.

West Side Hospital.

Mrs Christine Brochant, please. She was in a car accident.

No calls for patients after 6 PM. Call tomorrow.

There you go!

I must speak to Mrs Brochant.

This is Professor Sorbier.

Sorry, sir, please hold on.

I'm in a rush, dear, hurry!

- Mrs Brochant for you, Professor. - Thanks, dear.

Stop this farce. She just hung up on me.

Prof. Sorbier for you.

Mrs Brochant?

Yes, doctor.

I'm not Professor Sorbier.

Who is this?

It's your husband's idiot.

What?

We met briefly, my name's Pignon,

I'm your husband's idiot for that dinner.

I'm listening.

I found out why I was invited. I'm in a state of shock.

You were in a crash: so was I!

Hello?

Yes, I'm here.

I'm not calling because I'm sorry for myself:

I'm sorry for him.

He may not be the meanest of men,

but he's the unhappiest.

I heard you tell him not to visit you.

He was so lost, so miserable,

that I forgot I was the idiot and called you.

Mrs Brochant?

My wife left me 2 years ago: that day my life was shattered.

I survived by making my models,

but deep down I'm still a wreck.

I wish that to no one, not even your husband.

He's beside you?

What?

Feeding you the lines of this moving drama?

I swear it was my idea to call you. He fed me nothing.

Is he beside you?

No, I'm in a phone booth.

He doesn't love me. He loves no one.

Mrs Brochant,

for 2 hours I saw your husband try to find you.

He even called Pascal Meneaux, who was in the arms

of a woman who wasn't you!

He phoned Meneaux?

He did.

You can't imagine what he did out of love for you.

He made up with his best friend, dumped his girlfriend,

braved a tax inspector!

He tidied up his whole life, in an exemplary way.

Now he's alone in his big apartment mixing alcohol and pills.

I'm worried about him.

I know one can die of love, Mrs Brochant.

I'll think it over. Thanks for calling.

Don't mention it.

Good-bye.

She'll call back.

We're going the next dinner: you're taking me!

- I'll win first prize. - I'm exhausted.

Being smart is very tiring.

I'll try it some time.

Promise me one thing.

Just ask.

Think twice before you call anyone an idiot.

I promise. I swear it.

Here he is, Mrs Brochant!

I thought you were in a phone booth?

You idiot!

No, I'm back at his place.

I can explain!

- What an idiot! - I'll call her back!

- I'll call her back, it'll be fine! - What an idiot!