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(DOORBELL RINGS)

Hi, mate. Is Barbara in?

Sorry, mate. Never heard of her.

Barbara Finn before she got married.

Nah, sorry.

(RINGS DOORBELL)

Barbara Phillips. No, Phillips.

(KNOCKS ON DOOR)

WOMAN: Yeah?

Hi. I'm trying to get some old friends together for my mum's 60th.

I'm looking for a Barbara Warburton.

She was Barbara Finn before she got married.

-What did you say your mum's name was again? -Ethel.

Ethel Broughton. I'm Joe, I'm her son.

-You're not Barbara Warburton by any chance? -No.

The Warburtons moved away years ago.

-Have you any idea where? -No, sorry, love.

It was years ago. Sorry!

Right, thanks.

Sorry to bother you. Have I got the right address for Barbara Warburton?

No, son. You want Number 10. That house on the corner.

I just wanna talk to you.

I'm your son.

Don't you think you owe me a conversation?

Why are you doing this to me?

You've got a grandchild, you know.

-Hello. -Hello.

Who's the weight watcher with Cath's mum and dad?

I don't know.

One of Cath's mates.

Make sure you get to the buffet before she does.

Eddie!

Fucking hell, Eddie! Show some respect.

Oh, right. Sorry.

Hiya.

JOE: Hiya. All right?

My little sweetheart!

Jim. Hi, Billy boy. All right?

You decided against Granny's christening robe, did you?

Hi, Mum.

That's the modern way, isn't it? An everyday dress.

-All right, boys? -All right.

Baptism celebrates your hopes and prayers for your child's life.

You're committing yourselves to bring up this child in the Christian faith.

And to guide her in the ways and teachings of Jesus Christ.

Could the godparents step forward, please?

Marie will depend on you for the help and encouragement she needs.

-(DOOR OPENS) -You must be willing to give it to her

by your prayers and by your example.

Do you renounce the devil?

BOTH: I renounce the devil.

I name this child Marie Aretha Broughton.

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.

There we are now.

We welcome Marie to the Christian community.

So the girl says, "Will you do me a favour? Will you fuck me?"

(CHUCKLES) And the fella says,

"How can I? You've got no hands or legs."

And she says, "No, that's all right. Just hang me from that tree by my anorak hood."

So, they do the business

and he takes her home.

And the girl's dad's waiting up for her.

And the dad says, "Thanks a lot son. You're a real gent."

And the bloke says, "I'm sorry. I'm not.

"I'm ashamed of myself.

"I fucked your daughter. I'm no gent."

And her dad says, "No, take it from me you are.

"Most blokes leave her up on the tree."

That's disgusting, that is.

Hasn't got any more disgusting since you told it to me.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

EDDIE: A corker, innit?

-Hi, mate. Made it, then. -Oh, aye.

Hi, love.

Every bloody time I miss that turn-off for the M60.

Went to Asda the other week. Ended up at the Lake District!

They're all in the front room.

-Hiya! Are you all right? Good to see you. -Yeah.

-Thanks very much. -Go and get a drink.

Did you ever see a vegetarian you wanted to jump?

Isn't she gorgeous?

What are you doing on your own, Phil? You know everybody, don't you?

Yeah.

We were just saying, Joe. She's the image of our Bill, isn't she.

She sleeps with her mouth open and drinks a lot!

Joe, behave yourself.

Steady. I'm a dad now, Mum.

That doesn't mean you're too big to get a clip round the ear hole!

Feel that grip. Hey, she's got butcher's hands.

Oh, Bill. What a thing to say about a little girl!

It's the 21st century.

Aye, there's a pair of lesbian plumbers in Chorlton.

There would be in Chorlton!

Here you are, Mum. Get used to it.

-Ah... -That's it, Ethel, support the head.

You look like a cat holding a fiddle.

Excuse me.

-Are you all right? -Yeah.

(MARIE CRIES)

CATH: Come on, madam, I think you need a change.

He's 12 now, my eldest.

I think that's why Joe picked me to be godfather.

'Cause I know what it's all about like, being a dad and that.

So is he here then? Your lad?

Oh, no, I don't see him.

My first wife poisoned him against me.

-Boot! -(CHUCKLES)

Lovely spread.

We're all fond of a lovely spread, Mrs B.

-Any pots out here? -No.

-Do you want another hold? -Oh, well, if you...

Whatever's easiest.

Here. Take her.

There we are.

There we are.

There you are. You haven't lost it.

Well, I held you at this age.

You'd never think it to hear that lot.

I know. Take no notice.

Do you ever think...

Well, does it ever cross your mind that she might look like someone we've never met?

Funny thing to bring up, today of all days.

Oh, but it does make you wonder.

They gave you to us and you were ours as far as me and your dad were concerned.

(GURGLING)

You were my little lad.

I still am your little lad.

You know what, Joe?

This might sound daft, but I think she looks a lot like Dad.

Look, round the eyes. Are you getting it?

Yeah, I've always seen it.

It doesn't sound daft at all.

EDDIE: Mind your legs.

God, how does Eddie do it?

It's not as though he's Tom Cruise or anything!

Judith's no oil painting.

No, but pulling at a christening. That takes some front.

It's up to them, innit? Free agents.

-You all right? -Yeah.

No. What is it? I know there's something.

I think I've found me mum.

My birth mum.

You've found her?

Are you sure?

I checked all the Barbara Finns on the list. And this woman, well...

She must have known it was me 'cause she pretended she wasn't there.

She didn't want to know me.

-Joe, that's terrible. When did you find this out? -Last week.

I tracked her down to Morecambe.

You went to Morecambe?

Right.

What's she like, then?

She's a nurse. That's all I know.

Why didn't you tell me you found her?

I wanted it to be a surprise.

I did this thing.

I know it was stupid. I left her an invitation for the christening.

What?

Well, you didn't really expect her to come, did you?

I mean she was hardly gonna walk into a room full of strangers, was she?

(GLASSES CLINK)

* She wears denim wherever she goes

* Says she's gonna buy some records by the Status Quo

* Oh, yeah, chugga-chugga

* Chugga-chugga

* Says she won't be forced

* Against her will

* Says she won't do drugs but she does the pill

* Oh, yeah... *

-She gone off? -She's in full surrender.

You're brilliant, you know?

Is that right?

She loves her dad.

She likes me nodding my head and going "Chugga, chugga".

It's not the same as love, is it?

It's weird, isn't it?

-What? -Well...

I'd kill anyone who hurt her, but what has she done to get that much love out of me?

Just wriggled and cried and shat really.

(CHUCKLES)

She doesn't have to do anything. You love her because you're her dad.

Do you think it's that simple?

Well, it is for you.

That's the main thing.

I tell you something. She's a big girl, that Judith.

I bet she's flattened some grass in her time.

How often do you see your mum and dad, Eddie?

Once a year, whether I want to or not.

I don't think I realised how big she was till I got her home.

I could have shagged a dimple in her knee and been happy.

(SIGHS)

I want to know everything.

About you, me, dad, everything.

I know this can't be easy for you.

I realise it must have come as a bit of a shock.

I've had a kid meself and I need to hear something.

Anything.

Please.

Okay.

I'm not your mum.

But you are.

No, I'm not. I'm not.

I've got a birth certificate.

That's my name, but I'm not your mum.

I was covering up the truth.

Your mum didn't know anything about you.

I was a nurse.

And it wasn't an ordinary hospital.

It was a mental handicap hospital.

And your mum and dad were patients there.

And your mum was seven months' pregnant before anybody even noticed.

And it was a scandal.

And it turned out her and another patient had been having sex.

So she had a Caesarean under general anaesthetic,

and the baby was taken away

and she was none the wiser.

And that baby was you.

And we all thought it was for the best if no one ever knew,

especially the baby.

Especially you.

And they needed a woman to register the baby in her name,

so it could be put up for adoption.

And then no one would ever find out.

How do you mean, mental handicap?

They call it learning disability now,

but they all lived in hospitals back then.

Are you saying this to make me go away?

I can't be your mum.

I can't have children.

Me and my husband tried and tried and I never had any children.

Well, good.

You don't fucking deserve to!

Can you tell us the way to SeaWorld, mate?

Sorry, I'm not from here.

-MRS LOWTHER: Hello, Joe. -Hiya.

Mum reckons we should stop night feeds and let her cry. What do you reckon?

It's up to you. I never hear her.

CATH: Oh, bugger!

Joe, there's another teat in the steriliser. Will you get it please, love?

Oh, give over. Give it here.

Mum!

I brought four of you up and I don't see any of you keeling over.

CATH: (SIGHS) I give up.

Is this formula, love?

You know I haven't got enough to keep her going any more.

You don't want to be breastfeeding at all by now.

You'll never get your figure back.

Do you want chicken or lasagne?

Not bothered.

She means well, my mum, you know.

I know she drives you mad, but she's a big help when you're working late.

Since your wife fucked off,

your sandwiches have taken a distinct turn for the worse. Sorry.

Try the pie.

I rang her up the other night, you know.

He only answered, didn't he? Golden Bollocks!

He was talking to you on your phone?

Bald bastard!

Should have said, "I'm combing me hair" and hung up.

How would that have helped?

'Cause he's a slapper, isn't he? 1-nil to you!

It mightn't feel like it now, but in the long run

you're much better off with a full head of hair than a wife.

Five years from now, she'll have tits like her dad and he'll be wearing a wig.

JOE: I've been thinking about tracing my mum and dad.

You know, me birth parents.

-What do you think? -Sounds a bit deep for me, Joe.

I'm a joiner, not Eric Cantona.

I mean, would it matter to you where I was from, what they were like?

It'd matter if they were millionaires.

-Where did you get this, Phil? -Why would it matter?

You're a grown man.

I might find out something bad or wrong.

Have you found something out or what?

No.

What does your Cath think about it?

I know this pork pie.

Are you trying to trace the pig's parents now?

There's something you wanna tell me about this pork pie, Phil?

You had loads left over.

You didn't go nicking food from baby Marie's christening, did ya?

Why didn't you have a piss in the font while you were at it?

The thing is, Joe...

You're you, aren't you?

You're you and...

That's all there is to it.

(MARIE CRYING)

Shh!

Go back to bed, love. There's no point in us both being up.

-Is she hungry? -She feels a bit warm, poor thing.

Warm? She's red hot.

And she's covered in spots.

It'll just be a heat rash.

-It's not meningitis. -You're not a doctor!

(CONTINUES CRYING)

Shh!

-Are they fading? -Yeah, they are.

-Are they supposed to fade? -I can't remember.

I just know this isn't meningitis.

I'm taking her to the hospital.

There's something wrong.

We think he's swallowed a fridge magnet. (SCOFFS)

Should have a season ticket for down here.

What about yours?

Oh, she's got a rash. You can't be too careful, can you?

(GRUNTING)

Can you stop him from doing that, please?

-Sorry? -Joe!

Can you stop him from doing that, please?

Ryan, come here, love.

Let me see if I can find you a sweet.

(SOFTLY) She's getting upset.

DOCTOR: It's probably a heat rash. Might be viral.

Take her home, dose her up with Calpol and sponge her down every so often.

And if she's still this hot after 24 hours, bring her back, okay?

What I need to know is how long does it take to get brain damage?

-Can you tell me that? -Joe!

I think her temperature would have to be a lot higher.

Yeah, but it could happen.

Joe, she's all right. Marie's fine.

Can you write your name down please? In case anything goes wrong.

Come on. Let's just get her home.

You've got nothing to worry about.

What's got into you?

Is it your mum?

Sorry.

-I don't understand. -I'm not sure I do either.

I mean, is she saying they were like mad or what?

Not like mad, more, you know, handicapped.

-Well, how handicapped? -Not that handicapped.

I suppose, not if they could do the business.

Well, they can't be that bad, can they? There's nothing wrong with you, is there?

Thanks.

Jesus Christ, Cath, I mean...

I just... (SIGHS)

It's like your whole life you have this daydream.

This idea of a...

You make them up, you know.

You look at your face and try and picture them.

But this...

I'm gonna go and see them.

I'll come with you. I'll ring Mum in the morning, get her to have Marie for the day.

No, I'll be all right on me own.

I'll be fine.

How did you find him?

I phoned an old mate from the hospital and he knew the Social Services team.

I've had no luck with your mum yet.

Okay.

-It is what you wanted, isn't it? -Yeah.

Yeah. Of course it is.

I mean, you don't have to meet him today if you don't want to.

You know, I just thought I'd find him for you.

I just thought...

Well, I owed you that much.

Yeah, right.

Adoption was different you know

and there was a lot of covering up.

What's he been told about me?

That you're thinking of becoming a volunteer.

I thought that was best for now.

(CLEARS THROAT)

So, how long has he lived here?

Harry? About 10 years now.

He came after they closed the hospital.

And what does he like to do?

Oh, you know, play pool, darts, watch James Bond.

All the lads' stuff.

-See you later. -Right.

Yeah, he's in here.

Hi, Harry. There's a young man here to see you.

-Hi, Harry. -Hiya.

-All right? -Yeah.

-I'm Joe. -Hiya.

-Pleased to meet you. -Sit down if you want.

-Do you not mind? -No.

Did they tell you I was coming?

No.

What are you doing there, mate?

A bit of writing.

-What is it you're writing? -Me name.

Oh, I see.

-You've written that a lot of times, haven't you? -Yeah.

It's nice, that, very good.

So...

-Do you like to read? -Yeah.

What do you read?

Comics.

Comics, right.

I like your house.

-Do you? -Yeah.

Very nice.

-Everybody seems very nice here. -Yeah.

How long have you been here?

I don't know.

Do you remember when you were younger?

No.

-Don't remember anything? -No.

How old are you?

38.

-How old? -38.

-Fancy coming out with me one day? -No.

-For a day trip or... -No.

Why not?

I don't want to.

-Well, you don't really know me, do you? -No.

Everything all right?

Yeah.

-You all right, Harry? -Yeah.

Why don't you show Joe some of your things?

(SLAMS DOOR)

(KEYS CLATTER)

So?

-What was he like? -Just a bloke, really.

Does he look like you?

I don't know. I didn't notice.

What did you both talk about?

Well, you, know, world peace, relationships.

Why he hadn't been in touch.

Oh, so he's...

He's quite handicapped then, is he?

What's that supposed to mean?

I need to know, Joe. It isn't just about you. It's about all of us.

Do I look like a fucking window licker to you?

Joe, that's not what I'm not saying!

You think you might catch it now, is that it?

Oh, very grown up!

Or maybe that's all I can come up with,

what with me being a fucking Manc!

(WHISTLES) Joe!

Come on.

There's a cold beer and a warm woman out there with my name on them.

What?

We don't pay ourselves overtime, it's half 5:00. Come on.

I'll catch you up.

You all right?

Just want to finish this.

(DRILLING)

All right.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

Can I give you a hug, a cuddle?

-Pardon? -What's your name?

-I'm called Maria. -My name's Joe.

-Joe? -Yeah.

-I'm called Maria. -Hiya, Maria.

Can I have a hug? A cuddle?

-A cuddle? -Yeah.

That's good.

-Okay. -Have you seen a...

Do you know a bloke called Harry?

Yeah, I do.

Where is he, do you know, love?

No, I don't, no.

MAN: Oh! WOMAN: Hiya!

Hiya.

-Hi, Harry. -HARRY: Hiya.

Good game going on here, mate.

Two shots!

There's one. There's one.

-How've you been then? -All right.

-All right? -Yeah.

What have you been up to?

-I've been having a game of pool... -Right.

With the lads.

Missed! Two!

-Was it a bit of a surprise when I turned up? -Yeah.

Was it last week, yeah?

-Did it shock you a bit? -Yeah.

I was a bit shocked.

You what?

I was a bit shocked as well at it.

MAN: Go on, you've got one in. WOMAN: One in?

MAN: Good job I'm not playing you.

Go on, your shot.

Now...

Have you...

Have you heard of a man called Bruce Forsyth?

-Yeah. -Bruce Forsyth?

-Generation Game. -Yes.

Have you heard of a game show called Play Your Cards Right?

Hard luck.

-There you are, Gwen. -MAN: Hard luck.

-Right, six-four! -Where did you learn this?

-(LAUGHS) -Eh?

I told you I can get out of it!

HARRY: Told you I can get out of it. Two shots.

WOMAN: How many, Danny? DANNY: Two.

-Look for the white ball. -Yeah, it's there.

-So, come closer. -Come closer.

-Hiya. -Hi.

You came back then?

Yeah.

So what is it then, are you a Christian?

What? No, why?

Well, you look too old to be a student.

And normally we don't get blokes your age suddenly volunteering to help out

unless they've found God.

No, it's nothing like that.

What is it like then?

Hello, how are you?

I'm all right. Have you seen Harry?

I haven't. No, I haven't.

He was in here a couple of minutes ago.

In that room, Gwen.

Harry, Harry, you call him?

-That was him. -I don't know Harry, do I, Gwen?

Yes, you do.

(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

-There you are, mate. No milk, is that right? -Yeah.

-You don't like milk then? -No.

I thought I'd lost you.

I come back in the pool room and thought you'd done a runner.

No.

-I got you some biscuits. -Thank you.

-I've got something I wanted to show you. -What?

-That's me daughter, Marie. -Yeah.

And that's me.

-Do you like that? -Yeah.

Well, that's yours then.

What's this?

Have a look at it.

-You can put me next to Dale Winton, eh? -Yeah.

(DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

There's a slope on this table.

Your cue must be as bent as your knob.

EDDIE: I've just had a chat with that barmaid.

She's a bit flat for my liking, but I think you're in there, Phil.

It took a bit of persuading but I told her you'd take her out on Friday night.

She might be an A-cup but she's got a very full personality.

What?

I've set you up with Stella, Friday night.

I'm not ready to start going out with other women.

Philip, take it from someone who knows.

There's nothing Captain Cock can't cure.

Joe, will you tell him to back off?

I know she's no Jordan, but you've got to get back in the saddle, mate.

You'll be turning quaint if you're not careful.

PHIL: Joe, tell him, would ya?

For fuck's sake, Joe.

What's the matter with you lately?

You never said a word all morning.

You're doing my head in.

It's like being married again.

Good shot!

(JOE SOBBING)

Now, Joe, come on.

Phil, get him some bog roll.

Joe?

Fucking hell! Just everything's fucked. I'm sorry.

It's all right, mate, I don't think anyone's twigged.

What is it? What's wrong?

Can't you see the fella doesn't want to talk about it?

(SCOFFS)

Come on. Get it out.

Phil, we're not Americans, leave him alone.

-Do you want to talk about it? -He just needs a bit of time, all right?

He was just like this after Barcelona.

Fucking leave him alone!

HEALTH VISITOR: Just enjoy it before she turns into a big, stroppy teenager.

Anyway, just ring me if you think you need to. But like I said she's perfect.

-All right. -Thanks a lot. Bye.

Who was that?

Do you remember the health visitor?

What did she want?

It was just a check-up.

I thought they did them down the clinic.

Well, I asked her to come here.

(MARIE COUGHS)

What did she mean when she said you've got nothing to worry about?

It was just a check-up.

Make sure everything's normal.

What are you up to, Cath?

I wanted the health visitor to take a look at her after what you told me.

About your mum and dad.

What do you mean?

Well, you know, check she was...

All there and that. I just wanted to be on the safe side.

It can't be passed on, you know, like flu.

Well, I didn't know that.

They haven't got some disease you can catch.

It's just an accident, the way they are, you know. Just bad luck!

How was I to know that? I don't know anything about it.

You should have asked me!

You never want to talk about it. You just shut me out.

Oh, so you just go and do it behind me back?

It wasn't like that. I just thought it'd be better if I just got on with it.

She's my fucking baby too, you know!

-I wanna hold the baby. -Not until you calm down.

I'm her dad, give her to me now. I just want to hold her.

Joe, you're scaring her, stop it!

I'm not some fucking freak, are I!

Cath, let me in!

I want me baby.

-I want to hold her! -Joe, stop it!

Stop it. Look at you! Stop taking it out on me!

It's not our fault.

(SIGHS HEAVILY)

(RINGS DOORBELL)

You can't keep away, can you?

-I was wondering if Harry was in? -No, he's at work.

-At work? How long has he had a job? -He's always worked.

Harry has? Harry's got a job?

(MACHINERY WHIRRING)

(INAUDIBLE)

(INAUDIBLE)

(INAUDIBLE)

(SIGHS)

Oh, fuck it!

(SIGHS)

CATH: Joe, that Barbara woman just rang.

She's found your mum.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Hiya. Janet, this is Joe.

Hello, Janet.

Are you an actor?

(SIGHS)

Does she make any sense when she talks, like?

Now and then, yeah.

What are you thinking?

I'm thinking how did she ever agree to sex?

There are ways of getting the message across, you know.

What are you saying?

That her and Harry were once a devoted couple?

Romeo and Juliet meets MENCAP? I don't think so.

You wouldn't be the first person to have been conceived

after a one-night stand, Joe.

I don't know what I thought she'd be like, but it wasn't this.

It wasn't Janet.

I mean, look at her.

She's supposed to be my mum.

Has she any idea what this is all about?

It's early days yet and she's been through a lot of changes in her life,

you know. Hospitals closing, hostels...

You don't have to be nice. Let's be honest. It's worse when you try to be nice.

MAN: Excuse me.

-Is she with you? -Yeah, why?

Uh, I don't mean anything by it but she's upsetting my kids.

-All right. Sorry. -What is it she's supposed to have done?

It's all right, Barbara, I'll get her.

Not all there, is she? And it's a kids' playground after all.

Come on, Janet, now. We've got to go, love.

Janet! What are you doing, love?

Janet, we've got to go now.

Say, do you want me to get Barbara for you?

Janet, we've got to go now, we have to go home.

Are you all right?

Come on, we're going this way.

Going this way.

No, this way.

I walked across the park with her.

I didn't want to touch her.

I felt like everyone was looking at me and

I didn't want anybody to see me touch her.

(SOBBING) Me own mum.

What does that make me?

How big does that make me?

I had a picture in my head of what they were like.

I always thought about them

but I never wanted to find them.

Not until Marie. I've got Marie!

I've got you. Why couldn't I just stick at that?

Dave Pritt's dad had that stroke and he was in St Thomas' for five years.

He never recognised Dave again.

But at least Dave knew that inside of him there was

some memory, some fucking bit of him!

I look at Harry and I can't stop hanging onto, you know, somewhere...

Jesus Christ, is that too much to ask?

I want to shake it out of him!

(JOE SOBBING)

(GASPS)

Devils on horseback are bacon wrapped around what?

I know that.

QUIZMASTER: Devils on horseback are bacon wrapped around what?

-It's prunes. Write it down. -I knew that.

QUIZMASTER: Who had his one and only hit

with The One And Only?

Pop music, Joe. That's your department.

I wasn't listening.

Phil, go and get him a bar towel, will you,

he's gonna start blubbing again. (CHUCKLES)

QUIZMASTER: The One And Only was his one and only hit.

I've got something to tell you.

What is it?

QUIZMASTER: Where would you find the Stone of Scone?

I found me mum and dad and there's something wrong with them.

That goes without saying.

PHIL: Well, like what? QUIZMASTER: The Stone of Scone,

I want city and country.

(SIGHS) They were mental.

Me mum and dad.

They were handicapped, you know, mental.

QUIZMASTER: Who won an Oscar for the music for Charlie Chaplin's film, Limelight?

-I don't get it. -There's nothing to get.

Turns out my mum and dad were mentally handicapped.

All right.

QUIZMASTER: What football team are nicknamed the "Jam Tarts"?

What, like in the head?

Yeah, in the head.

QUIZMASTER: What football team are nicknamed the "Jam Tarts"?

It's amazing really, 'cause I always had Phil down as the thick one.

So what are we talking, just a bit daft or proper, fully-fledged nutters like?

-They lived most of their lives in hospitals. -So let me get this right.

If I pull up at the lights,

and a minibus comes alongside and some mong starts waving at me,

you mean that could be your daddy?

They're not mongs.

So now that's sorted, it'll be all right to meet them, won't you?

-Why would I meet them? -'Cause I'm having a little family gathering

and you two are invited.

All right, great. Can't wait.

Yeah. Nice one.

-What are they? -They're party plates.

I thought it was a party.

-They're paper plates. -Well spotted.

Get the normal plates out, Cath.

Well, I just thought if anybody dropped anything,

-they wouldn't break. -I'm not having them eating off paper plates.

They're not just for them.

Get the proper plates out. Why do you have to make everything so complicated?

(RINGS DOORBELL)

-Are you ready? -Yeah.

Come on, then.

-Are you all right? -Yeah.

-What have you been up to? -Just been going to the club.

That's about it. Thank you.

Do you want to put your belt on, please?

-Now, it's just a bit of tea and that. -Aye.

-It's nothing to get worried about. -Right.

Do you want to, uh...

Do you want to take your cap off?

I know the modern way is anything goes but I think a little girl loves a dress.

You can brainwash them the other way, as well in my opinion.

Thanks, Mum, it's... It's lovely.

She looks more like our Cath today, wouldn't you say?

-(DOORBELL RINGS) -Oh, he must've forgotten his keys.

You'll have met them before. Will you, Ethel?

No.

No, it's the first time for me as well.

We had one sweeping up in the shop for a while.

You had to keep your eye on him. Huh, he'd eat anything.

Oh, bloody hell, who invited him?

All right, Judith?

Phil.

(HUFFS)

(DOOR SHUTS)

(MARIE GURGLING)

JOE: Right, um...

This is Harry.

Harry, this is everybody.

(MARIE COOS)

Hiya, I'm Cath, Joe's wife.

This is Marie.

-Do you want to have a seat, Harry? -No, thanks.

Bloody hell, you've got enough key rings, aren't ya?

What are you then, the prison warder?

-(CHUCKLES) -Take no notice of him, Harry.

-Do you fancy a beer, mate? -No, thanks.

-Come on, just the one. Go on, then, just one. -(HARRY LAUGHS)

Right, uh, who wants a drink?

I know I do.

-Oh, no, that one's ugly. -(LAUGHS)

-That looks like my ex-wife. (CHUCKLES) -(CHUCKLES)

-She had a big fat head as well. -(CHUCKLES)

I hear you're making a dolls' house for Marie.

I've plenty of time on my hands at the moment, you know.

Oh, really, haven't you got Sky?

She took the dish when she went.

She knew the way to a man's heart.

Do you fancy building me a house when you've finished Marie's?

A real life-size, like.

Well, I'll come round and measure you up if you like.

(CHUCKLES) So sorry, I didn't mean...

It came out all wrong that, didn't it?

It's all right. I'm not easily offended.

PHIL: All right.

-(DOORBELL RINGS) -That'll be Janet.

MRS LOWTHER: It's like Piccadilly Circus in here today, isn't it, sweetheart?

-BARBARA: Yeah, not too bad. -All right, Janet?

JOE: Right, everybody. Uh, this is Barbara

and this is Janet.

-Shall I take your coats? -Yes.

-Can you manage? -Yeah, I've got it.

-Oh... -(CHUCKLES)

Take that sleeve.

(CLEARS THROAT)

-Thanks. -Why don't you sit down over there,

-Barbara? -Okay.

(MARIE GURGLING)

Have you come far?

Ah, Morecambe.

(CHUCKLES)

Not too bad, then?

BARBARA: No.

(MARIE GURGLES)

-So do you live in a hospital, then or what? -No. In a house.

-Oh, in a house? -Yes.

-Do you get your meals done? -Yes.

Fuck me. Sounds great. Get me down for a place. So are you allowed out much?

-Yes, twice a week. -Of course he is allowed out!

-He's got a job, he goes down the club, don't you, now then? -HARRY: Yeah.

I'll tell you what he's got the beating of any of us lot on the pool table.

-(DISHES BREAK) -JOE: Shit.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Between you and me, I think it's Joe that's got the special needs, don't you?

Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

Here you are, mate. One for your collection. Look.

-Flashing nips. (LAUGHS) Aye. -JOE: I'll get the pan and brush.

-That's yours, that. Yeah, keep it. -Is it?

Cheers, mate.

-I'm glad you've come. -Well, I wouldn't have missed this.

What do you think?

Well, they seem very happy, don't they?

I think so, you have to get to know them.

-You've been great about this, you know. -Well, right.

Well, right.

Thank you.

EDDIE: What's that?

Here, I've got this now.

Joe, calm down, it's going fine.

Good, 'cause I'm really trying here.

Well, maybe try a bit less.

-(KISSES) -HARRY: Coca-Cola.

-They're nice, aren't they? -Yeah.

-How many have you got? -Nine.

They're wicked, them. So what's that one?

One of the Dwarfs.

Oh, that's right. It's Dopey, isn't it?

-Yeah. -Is that your favourite, Harry?

-Yeah. -That's great.

What's that one?

-Me plane. -(BOTH LAUGH)

Joe, can you do something with your daughter?

She's a grizzly madam today.

I'm not surprised. All these strangers...

-Does she want to come to Granny? -Mum, she's fine.

-Well, perhaps Janet can hold her. -Yeah, I hold her tight, yeah.

BARBARA: Just for a minute. Janet?

Do you think so?

BARBARA: Yeah, I'll keep an eye on her.

I think she'd like it. (CHUCKLES)

-It won't be too much for her? -JANET: No, it's all right.

I know everybody means well...

Great idea, Barbara.

You'll love it, won't you, Janet?

-Yeah. -CATH: Okay.

BARBARA: Well, here she comes.

CATH: There we go. There we are.

Oh, have you got her?

Have you got her?

Yes.

Now hold her head. That's it.

There now.

-There. -(MARIE GURGLES)

-That was lovely. Had I better take her now? -Mum!

CATH: Joe, get the camera.

(MARIE GURGLING)

Show them your finger.

-Look at the nip-nips, look. -(LAUGHS)

That's nice, that.

-Great, aren't they? -Oh, very unusual.

-Hurry up with that bloody camera, Joe! -CATH: Here.

Harry, why don't you sit down over there?

MRS LOWTHER: It's about time.

Come on, let's have a smile.

Shall I take her now, love?

CATH: She'll need to eat in a minute.

Joe, will you go stick something in the microwave for her?

Have you seen Phil? He's all over her.

Calls himself a mate. He knew I was on for a second leg today.

Can you open that for us?

How many have you had?

(MUMBLES)

Pretty normal for a retard, isn't he?

I mean, he's more normal than a lot of them blokes you get in the Legion.

What are you trying to say?

All right.

Maybe you'd like to try feeding her later, Janet.

-Have you seen Harry? -I thought he was with you.

(MARIE CRYING)

-Seen Harry? -Isn't he in there with Eddie?

Excuse me, mate. Sorry.

Harry?

Harry!

-Here for a bit of a break? -Yeah.

Ah, I don't blame you.

What are them, mate?

-Tools. -Uh, I think they're mine, them, aren't they?

-No. -I think they are, aren't they?

They're mine.

-No, I think they're mine, mate. -Are they?

-Yeah, do you want to put them back? -Yeah.

What are you nicking them for?

I wasn't (STAMMERS) nicking them.

-You only have to ask me, you know? -I know.

-You don't have to nick anything, just ask me. -Right.

-Were you upset or something? -No.

-Was it the photo? -No.

-Have you been drinking? -No.

Are you ever going to say anything other than yes or no to me?

Yeah.

(MARIE YELLS)

-MRS LOWTHER: Is she burnt? Can you see, Bill? -(MARIE CRYING)

She's all right.

Nothing. It's just a little accident.

MRS LOWTHER: She wouldn't scream like this if it was an accident.

CATH: She's screaming because you're winding her up.

-What happened? -Wishful thinking gone mad, is what I call it.

Nobody saw what happened. Marie might have done it herself.

Why is she looking all sheepish if she doesn't think she's done anything naughty?

You all right, Janet?

-Is she all right? -Yes.

There you go, there's nothing wrong with you, is there, my lovely girl.

Not on the outside maybe. Her little brain's probably in turmoil.

She puts up with you. Don't she?

Bloody hell, it's like Manchester City's changing room at half-time!

Hey. Did you get Harry pissed?

What? No, he kept helping himself.

Anybody with half an ounce of common sense would have kept an eye on him.

Have you seen the state of him?

-He was enjoying himself. -Bollocks!

You wanted us to pretend he were normal so I did what was normal.

We had a few beers and we were all doing all right.

But there's you running about, giving it, he's got a job

and he can play bingo and all that stuff.

It's a wonder you didn't wheel a piano in, get him to play Candle in the Wind.

Yeah, but you give him a porn star key ring! And that's all right, is it?

-He fuckin' loved it! It was made up. -You were taking the piss!

That's right. That's what I do.

Take the piss out of everybody.

If you didn't want me to act normal, you shouldn't have asked me to come.

I didn't ask anybody to act normal.

You did. And we were all doing all right.

It's you that's been running around all afternoon with a poker up your arse!

You don't know him.

Neither do you.

I thought that was the point.

PHIL: Eddie, just leave it. JUDITH: Yeah, shut up.

No, I'm a fucking godparent. I've got responsibilities.

I can say what I like.

-Eddie, let's go for a pint. -Shut up!

You don't know what you're talking about.

I, I do, Joe.

And I'll tell you this. Everyone in this room agrees with me.

(DOOR SLAMS)

(SOBBING)

You think you should give Eddie a ring?

I'll see him at work.

He deserved a bollocking from you for bad-mouthing your mum and dad.

I know, that's right.

They're very nice, you know.

In their own way.

-Can I get you another drink? -No, no, uh,

I've got to get off.

Yeah, me too.

-See you later. -Right.

-Bye, Cath. -Bye, Cath.

I'll see you out.

All right?

All right.

Sorry about yesterday. It got a bit out of hand.

Don't go on about it.

-Did you get a damp course? -Yeah.

I just thought, you know, get them all under one roof, blood's thicker than water.

All that shite.

There must be something in that, mustn't it?

'Cause he took a fancy to your toolbox, didn't he?

He might just like nicking things.

He told me he built all the units in his bedroom or something.

Yeah, I know some crap he talks! He told me he'd been out with Lady Diana.

Well, that's not impossible, is it?

Well, I mean, she did have a thing for the disabled. (LAUGHING)

I pulled that barmaid last night, that Stella.

I thought you were lining her up for Phil.

No, he stood her up. I could hardly knock her back as well.

EDDIE: You know what's great about a bird on the rebound?

What?

They try that little bit harder.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

Mmm. You're the noisiest undresser in Manchester.

How do you know that?

Anyway, I'm glad you're awake.

I'm not.

'Cause I love you. You know that, don't you?

More than anybody.

What's brought this on?

Well, you know.

No.

I don't. Go on, tell me.

Well, I've been thinking about you.

How you've been with all this stuff.

How good you've been.

And you've got a raging hard on.

Yeah.

That too.

(KISSING)

Remind me to wash my nipples afterwards.

Oh, you're putting me off now.

All the blood's draining from me lob to me brain.

Well, they reckon the brain's the most important sexual organ.

Do you want a shag or a conversation?

I suppose both is too much to ask.

Hmm.

(KISSING)

-This is me hidey-hole, this. -Yeah.

-I come in here for a bit of peace and quiet. -Yeah.

Right.

-This... I made that. -Yeah.

-I'm making that for Cath's mum. -Yeah.

-And this. -Yeah.

-See if I can put a smile on her face for once. -(LAUGHS)

And this

is me collection.

Um... Do you know what that is?

A ruler.

-That's right. -You don't use that one, don't ya?

That's right. This is a three-way.

-It's the old-fashioned one. -Yeah.

I don't use this one now.

You use this one, don't you?

That's the modern one, yeah.

-And, do you know how to use that? -Yeah.

You put things in there, don't you. Drills?

-Drill bits? -Yeah, drill bits in there.

Then you do that to them all like that.

-Not like that, like that! -(LAUGHS)

Cath bought me this for me collection.

-Do you know what that is? -A plane.

For going across here.

That was my Christmas present last year.

-(LAUGHS) -From Cath.

Yeah.

-I like that one as well. -Another one.

Same as that, isn't it?

But that's a bit smaller, isn't it?

That's right, yeah. That's right.

-Sean Connery. -(DRILL WHIRRING)

Do you want a cake? Are you sure?

-Yeah, I really like them. -Good.

I baked all these myself.

Oh, he's such a liar, isn't he?

-HARRY: You're a liar. -I'm not lying.

-You are. -HARRY: You are.

-I baked them while you were at the disco. -You did not!

Look at the state of your nails.

-Do you bite them? -Yeah.

-How come? -I got

-bad news. -Mmm.

That's why I'm always biting them.

Your fingers are going to be bloody stumps.

I know they are.

-Do you get nervous, do you? -Yeah.

(SIGHS) I'll tell you what, so do I.

Everybody thinks I'm dead relaxed and happy all the time but I'm not.

-Inside I'm shitting myself. -(BOTH LAUGH)

-Keep 'em guessing. -(BOTH LAUGH)

(DOG BARKING)

-Do you feel like that, sometimes? -Yeah.

I think... I think I might've made you a bit nervous the other day.

Yeah.

-Did I, a little bit? -Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I was a bit worked up but I'm sorry.

It's all right.

Harry?

-Will you just, um, stay a minute? -Yeah.

I've, I've got something to say to you, something important.

I don't know if any of this makes any sense to you.

I'm not sure it makes any sense to me, but...

When I was younger, I never really thought about you that much.

But lately I've been, um, I've been trying to put myself together

-a bit, you know, through all the bits? -Yeah.

And, well...

You're part of it.

Yeah.

Oh.

Do you know how I've got a little baby?

-Yeah. -Well, I was like that once.

-Yeah -And... You're, well...

You're my dad.

I just wanted to say it out loud.

-You didn't understand a word of that, did you? -No.

Right. Go on, then.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)