Original subtitles

[Dulcie] So, the last time you saw Don was Sunday night.

What time did you all leave the pub?

I know you know what fucking went on on Sunday night.

I didn't see anything pertaining to Don Darrell, Edwina.

If you don't tell us why you were out at the donga,

then we're just going to have to guess.

I was out there 'cause I was looking for the money.

Why did you give Don Darrell $300,000?

It's to buy King, the biggest croc in the Territory.

It's that hovercunt drone!

-Eddie! Eddie, leave it! -Hey! Wait up!

No, it knows stuff.

[Miki] Hey-

Oi!

I shot down the hovercunt!

I know where that is.

That's near Don's donga.

That's his bloody jetty.

G'day, g'day.

Jason, I also will need your whereabouts for last Sunday night.

Really great to meet you, Dulcie.

Hey, really special. OK. Take care.

[phone rings]

There was someone else out at Don's donga,

dragging Don's body up the jetty.

[Dulcie] Can you tell who it is?

[Eddie] Chomp, from Land of Crocs.

He's our killer.

Collins? Collins, you still there?

What the fuck?

Whoa!

[breathes heavily]

Back! Back! Get up out of there, you big scrote!

I wandered in here by accident once too.

Big Fella nearly took me arm.

The employee exit's on the right.

Don't worry, you'll get the hang of it.

I'm Roisin.

Is this your first shift?

Come on, the exit's this way.

Just watch that meat bucket.

[clanging]

[Dulcie mutters] 38 degrees at 1am.

5m reptiles. Sadistic, invisible bugs.

There is just no need.

-[chimes tinkle] -Oh! Agh!

[exhales, sighs]

[grunts softly]

[whispers] Bumming door.

[sighs] Bum. Bum!

[Cath] Sorry, sexy.

I forgot to tell you I busted the door.

A cute kid called Mav's gonna fix it.

How was your day, love?

Good.

[theme song plays]

[Beef on radio] Well, Skid, it's a steamy one

up here in the Top End today.

And in backpacker news, Task Force Hammare-

-[Skid] Hammare? -[Beef]

They have ping-ponged from Bing Bong,

still on the search for the Swedish backpackers

who were last sighted in a white four-wheel drive at Crossley's Crossing.

[Skid] And you'll be cross, folks, if you miss out on catching a big one

at Jason Wade's Big Barra Bashnanza

that kicks off in Dirks River today.

-[Mary] Are you sure we should do it here, Lynn? -[banging]

[Lynn] Yeah, this is the bush turkey's turf.

Everyone steers clear.

We'll set up inside. [grunts]

[banging continues]

What is that bloody banging?

[banging continues]

Eddie, let's get a hop along.

Come on. Uh-

Eddie!

-[banging] -[Mary] I reckon it's coming from over here.

[banging continues]

It is coming from the cool room.

What is it? Is it a brushie stuck in-

-[both shout] -[Mary] Bloody hell!

-Open up! Come on! -[Lynn] What are you doing in there?

[Eddie] I'm freezing my flaps off in here.

[Mary] Oh, my God, were you in the cool room all night?

-[Lynn] It's three degrees in there. -What you two are doing is sick.

Crocodiles are a protected species.

They've been around since the dinosaurs, OK?

They hung out with Triceratops, and you fucks are selling them as bar snacks.

-I'm very disappointed. -Oh! Dungalaba's

I'd sooner cook Roger, and he knows that, eh?

Yeah! Someone must have snuck 'em in there when bingo was on.

Oh, yeah, "someone"? Was it someone you?

-Or you? Was it you? -Oh, you proper mad!

We don't know who put them in there. The security cameras are shot out.

That little piss fuck.

Right, you two, leave those crocs where they are, on top of the alcopops, OK?

There's dodgy shit going on in there.

Oh, this tummy's rock hard. He's all blocked up, Abs.

His poos are lined up like Matchbox cars.

-[Dulcie] Hi, love. -Hi, sexy.

-You seen Eddie? -No.

-Abby, how'd you go with the toe? -Not good, ma'am.

His anus is clamped shut, Abs.

It's weird, it's like he's holding it in on purpose.

Come with me, I've got some apple cider vinegar.

-It'll make that dead toe rocket right out of him. -OK.

-Now, how's your sex life? -Um...

-Collins! -Hey, where have you been?

I got locked in the cool room all night.

-What? -My pubes have got hypothermia.

They fused together like instant noodles. Hear that?

-No, don't make the sound. -Can crack that.

Didn't you notice I was gone?

-I saw you sleeping in your nook, Eddie. -That was a pile of shorts!

Right, well the smell was exactly the same.

-What's that? Is that the body part? -Yep. Don's foot.

Not much good to us.

Me and that ranger with the Rainbow Paddle Pop eyes, Miki,

found it near Dickie's Knob.

-It's got no toe. Anyway, come on. -Right. Great.

Let's rattle our dicks.

-We've got a Chomp to catch. -[sighs]

How'd you get the drone footage?

-I shot it out of the sky. -What?

Um, so ma'am, that Don Darrell drawing

shows all of his body parts that have been found, right?

Right.

Eddie thinks the rest has been eaten by crocodiles,

but maybe you can use these parts to reinvestigate Don's cause of death?

Yes. If all you want to know is that he died from dying.

-I really need Don's torso. -I know.

I was just deluding myself for fun.

-Oh! -Oh, sorry.

-[quiet whirring] -That's a vibrator.

Cath gave it to me.

She said it's time I stopped being afraid of my own vagina.

OK, so between the remains that Toby ate

and the drone footage that I haven't seen but I hear is wonderful,

we can establish Don's donga as our primary crime scene.

Yes, it looks like this scene's been cleaned.

And, judging by the water runoff, I think it was pressure hosed.

But my team and I are heading back down there to see what we can find.

Lauren and Oliver, and Toby, are just having a quick coffee first.

Together.

This murder wall's a real triumph, ma'am.

I know! I know. Leo did it.

-Leo? -Yeah.

They're our new you.

I'm their mentor, they're my mentos.

They'd be lost without me.

They're the wings beneath my wind.

-Hi. -[Dulcie and Eddie exclaim]

-Oh, my God! Leo! -Sorry, sorry.

I've been wearing bright colours to make my lurking less paranormal,

-but it's not working. -Yeah, no shit, mate.

Invest in a bell.

Leo, hi. I'm Abby.

I worked with the ma'ams back in Deadloch

where we started out as colleagues but then became best friends for life.

Nice to meet you.

OK, Big Eyes, come on, let's clear a spot for my mentos.

OK, new team is assembled.

Nobody fuck up.

Right, Backpack, how are you going with that drone footage of Chomp?

Collins is absolutely creaming to see that.

-I sent it to your email. -Email?

What?! She's never had an email!

I will get it up on mine.

OK, so our prime suspect is Chomp. What do we know about Chomp?

Age, priors, residential address, relationship to the victim.

What are you going on about, mate?

What do you mean? What are you-

I mean Chomp is not a person.

Chomp is the Land of Crocs mascot.

-Oh, you never said that. -Yes, I did.

-I said the killer is inside of Chomp. -No, you didn't say that!

Ma'ams, please stop fighting.

Yeah, I do get it. I am across the concept of a costume.

OK! What the shit's got up you this morning?

-Nothing. -Not get enough sleep?

-Yes, I did. I slept very well. -Not enough sex? Too much sex?

Had a fight with Cath? Fucking grumpy-bum.

Right, so whoever is in Chomp's costume must be on Jason Wade's payroll.

Collins, how did you go out at the Land of Crocs yesterday?

Ah, yes. So Wade said that the 300k payment was to buy King.

Three of his four P.A.s

confirmed that Jason was out of town filming his TV show

the night that Don was murdered.

Is that a snakeskin? Is that the- That's the skin of a snake?

Just because Jason's alibi is sewn up like a Christmas turkey's arsehole

doesn't mean that he's not behind it all.

But what would Jason gain by killing Don?

He has everything, bar the ability

to make eye contact with a woman he doesn't want to sleep with.

It's a classic territorial dispute, you know?

Old bull croc versus new bull croc.

Their businesses are side-by-side.

Jason probably wants to take over Don's part of the river.

Colonising is a very hard habit to break.

OK, so you think Jason killed Don to get his land

and he's delegated this task to high-density craft foam.

Yeah. There's no way puffy-pecs Jason is going to do the dirty work himself.

That's why we've got to find out who he had in that Chomp costume

on Sunday night.

-[clears throat] -Oh! Yes. My mentos.

What are the rules around me talking in this environment?

-You're not allowed. -The floor is yours. Go for it.

Flora, the singer from the pub, also works at Land of Crocs.

She says that staff rotate being Chomp due to OH&S.

Oh, yeah, that'll be because of that Mickey Mouse.

You know that story? So sad.

Just sitting there, people coming up, taking their photos with him,

turns out he was dead.

Stiffy Mouse.

Flora also says that staff who wear Chomp can't be claustrophobic,

they have to be free of pubic lice, and at least 5'9".

[Eddie] Why's that? Stage presence?

No, it's in order to see out of the mouth hole.

[Dulcie] OK, let's get a suspect list together, then.

So how many staff does Jason have?

Ooh, I can find that out, ma'am.

Nah, it's too boring, Big Eyes. Backpack can do that.

I need you to test this.

Spoiler alert, it's a foot.

Kept it cold for you.

I will put that up on the board.

OK, so, Leo, Land of Crocs staff.

Yep, so, all up, including the CEO that's Jason,

and the celebrant that is also Jason,

Land of Crocs has just over 60 employees.

[Dulcie] 60? That's super.

Investigating all 60 should be a breeze,

seeing we're four people working out of a storeroom

with a possible snake infestation.

Alright, well, let's just go round to the Land of Dicks and give them a razz.

-No razz. -[Leo] His main staff won't be there. They'll be at the Bashnanza.

It starts today, and Jason's doing a meet-and-greet with his Boys.

Who's his Boys?

They work with Jason and appear on his TV shows.

OK, we'll head to the Bashnanza, then.

Leo, find out what time they're on, and we'll question them about Sunday.

-Yeah, fuck, yeah, drop a quick line in. -No, no "yeah".

-Something's weird with this foot. -[Eddie] What is it? Soft nail issue?

The autopsy said that a knife was used to cut up the body post-mortem,

but I think that's wrong.

The severance line on the tibia is too clean to be a knife.

-Look. -No, thank you.

It's a precision cut.

I think the foot was removed by a motorised blade.

[knock at door]

A forensics van pulled up and parked in my spot

before I could park in my spot,

and I'd like my spot back because it's my spot,

not their spot. OK?

[Dulcie] OK, so we need to interview Jason's Boys

and locate this motor-blade weapon.

[Abby] Yeah, but, ma'am, I really need to get something off my chest.

-[Dulcie] OK, right now? -[Abby] Yes.

I'm so sorry I quit the police force to pursue my dreams.

-It's fine. -I mean, now you're stuck with... [mouths]

-It's really fine. -And I'm in a hell of my own creation.

It's really fine, Abby.

Please don't forget me, ma'am.

OK, but they are driving off without you.

Oh! Wait!

-Moonboot. -[Abby] Guys!

-[Dulcie] Eddie, we've got to go. -Yep.

-I need you to do a job for me. -Oh, no, I can't.

Senior Sergeant Heffernan has asked me to supervise in the removal and return

of a Barra Creek local by the name of, um...

...uh, Triple Pet, and Mr Pet needs me.

OK. Look, I need you to search this address

from mouth hole to crack hole, OK?

Is this for the Don Darrell case?

Yeah, 100%.

-Do you have a warrant? -Yeah, yeah.

I'm emailing it from my email right now. Ping! There you go.

-[Dulcie] Eddie, come on. -I'm coming.

-[Leo] Yep. So Jason's Boys aren't appearing until 2pm. -[Dulcie] Right.

Flora's going to help me cut the list down.

She's been at Land of Crocs for three months,

and her loyalty's really waning. She's offered to cut me a key.

-Oh, that won't be necessary. -Oh, yeah! You should take her up on that.

OK, so while we wait for the Boys to appear at the Bashnanza,

let's search for our weapon.

Mate, the killer would have just piffed it in the river.

-OK, so we get some divers out there. -[both] No.

-You can't get divers. -Why not? Are they at a conference?

-Uh, no, because it's a river, Collins. -Huh?

-It's teeming with crocodiles. -Oh, right. Yes.

-Yeah, you can't swim in there. -So what do you do?

Well, we used to have a community swimming pool.

That's what the diving board is there.

-You should have seen me jump off that. -No! How do you search the river, Eddie?

-You don't. -You use a big magnet.

A big magnet.

What is this, "Looney Tunes"?

OK, great! Great.

Where do we find ourselves a big magnet?

-No, you don't. -Um, right here in Barra Creek.

I know a local with one.

Go on, gaffer him up good there, Rabbit.

-It's alright, Triple Pet. -That sedative will do fuck all.

[indistinct chatter]

OK. We've got to get him home first.

But then it'll be 50% to me, cash, right?

50% to Rog, because it's his boat.

But it's my big magnet.

Right, and your big magnet, that works, yes?

Oh, yeah, it's how we found all my Christmas presents growing up.

-Fuck up, Edwina. -You fuck up.

What eight-year-old wants a fucking car part covered in fish shit?

It was a catalytic converter. They're worth coin.

Can you not antagonise your dad? We need him today.

OK, we've altered our offer. It's now $300 an hour.

Fuck, no! Look, he's taking the piss.

-OK, we won't do it, then. No worries. -Yeah! No worries!

-I'll get my own fucking big magnet. -Shush, thank you. Shush. Shush it!

-We can all get a big magnet. -Thank you. Yes. Yes.

$300 every single hour is a great deal.

Thank you. We appreciate your help, Frank, don't we, Edwina?

I've got my fucking eye on you too, you rat-dog croc thieves!

Alright. No-one gets paid till dick hat delivers.

Hey, Rog, listen to this one.

No trust, right? Even in her old man.

Because you are my old man.

I've had front-row seats to your bullshit for four decades.

I know what you're capable of.

Going to the car.

See you, Triple Pet.

[man grunting] Come on, push him down.

-OK, well, we will need to start out at Don's Donga. -[growling]

Oh, fuck my big, long dick!

Who took the sack off his head?

That keeps him calm, for fuck's sake!

Ah... Oh, Eddie, we've got to get to the Bashnanza.

[Cath] The butterfly farm was actually great.

I had no idea how many butterfly eat corpses.

Yeah, it's definitely worth it.

Anyway, that's it. That's it for my plans for the day

and for the rest of the trip, actually.

I mean, I'm going to get into my book from the pub book swap,

"Breathless Falls". Have you read it?

I think my mums have it on their bookshelf.

I grew up with two mums, in Sydney. They were '78ers.

My first car was a pride flag that was decorated like the island of Lesbos.

So, yeah, you know, fair to say Barra Creek's

the straightest context I've been in for a while.

Aside from that one Ed Sheeran concert that I went to, which was awful.

It was so sad.

I love that there's another queer person in town, Leo!

We just get each other, don't we?

Sorry, Leo, sorry.

Was I gone for long? Because I went to get a water

and then totally forgot about you and had a nap.

Wait, what are we doing again? Oh, Land of Crocs employees.

-OK. -That's right.

I'm going to leave you guys to it.

Let me know if you need anything, like head massages or legal advice.

I'm a vet too.

If you've got a Brahmin cow that needs antibiotics, I'll be over here.

I'm going to be relaxing. I'm on holiday after all.

[Flora] OK, so those two flew home last month.

I don't know where that guy went.

-[Cath] Hm. Ebba borrowed this too. -[phone ringing]

[Flora] That chick's 100% capable of murder, but she's only 4'11".

-[Cath] Lynn, I'm going to get the phone! -[Flora] He's still here, unfortunately.

And Roisin fucked that guy.

Now he lives in a Reiki tent on an avocado farm or something.

Barra Creek Pub, this is Cath.

[rock music plays]

[Beef, over P.A.] Well, it's a mammoth opening to the Big Barra Bashnanza,

where one lucky fish-o could catch the Golden Barra, worth $200,000.

[Skid] 200k? That's a lucrative bloody fish, Beefy!

But remember, fellas,

with over 4,000 barramundi released into the river for the Bashnanza,

every one of you has a shot at winning a daily prize

if you catch a big one.

[Beef] And now on the Guts Hub stage,

he's hot off the chopper,

it's the star of "Jason Wade's Adventures Down Under, Adventures From Down Under"

it's Jason Wade!

[cheering]

Welcome to the Big Barra Bashnanza!

[cheering]

This is gammin.

How would he like it if we told him he couldn't go fishing?

-Boss! -[barking]

Come on, we're going!

Oh, OK, good. Leo's eliminated a bunch of the Land of Croc staff

who could have been inside the Chomp suit on Sunday night.

Sanitation's out, so is the aquarist.

A lot of the Crockettes have been deported to the UK,

so that mostly just leaves the Boys and a few others.

Uh, Leo has sent the Boys' photos and bio.

Oh. Uh, no.

No, I think they've accidentally just sent the same man 15 times.

[Jason] Let's give it up for the Boys!

[Eddie] Uh, no, Collins. They haven't.

We got Ben! We got Sam!

We got Ned!

Micko and my boy Ben!

[cheering]

Come on!

Jesus Christ.

[man, over P.A.] And, fellas, don't forget to head over

to the Shimano Fishing Reel Marquee

for the meet-and-greet with the Boys.

-[Eddie] This line can suck my titties. -[Dulcie] Agreed.

[man] Join the reserves?

No. No, thank you. No.

-[sighs] -So...

How do you flirt with girls?

Do you all just weather-chat or are there other topics that work as well?

What?

Well, you know, like at the camp, you and Cath,

you froth on about the weather

and then, immediately, you're fiddling each other's bits.

-Oh, God. -So I was just wondering,

do all lezzies get juiced up about weather?

-No, not- Stop. -And what in particular-

-Rain. 'Cause it's wet. -We're not talking about this.

-Mist? Soft, wet. -We're not talking about this, Eddie.

Oh, hey! A croc Boy's on the move.

-You stay here. We'll conquer and divide. -No, Eddie.

Please don't leave me here with all of the, uh...

Ed-

[woman] Next, please! Next, please! Keep it-

-No, I just... [sighs] -G'day, g'day.

-Name? -Detective Dulcie Collins.

-We met yesterday. -Yeah, good stuff.

You gripping a rod today?

Uh, no. I am here in regards to...

-Sensational. There's your photo. -...the ongoing investigation-

Very special to meet you. Who's next?

Yeah!

[Abby] Thanks for dropping me off, guys. Really appreciate it.

Just leave me alone at a crime scene

where a man's been chopped up and a violent murderer is on the loose.

Cool! Yeah, I'll just sit here on a platter for them

till you're ready to pick me up.

What is that?

[Frank] Oi! Be careful!

You're in the lunch position there.

Oh! Oh!

[clanging]

Detective Dulcie Collins. I want to ask you a few questions

in relation to an ongoing investigation.

Absolutely. 100%, Ducky.

Uh, Dulcie. Where were you six nights ago, on Sunday the 9th of October?

I was out in Goomadeer River in West Arnhem Land, Ducky,

filming "Adventures Down Under, Adventures From Down Under".

-And can anyone verify that? -Yeah, absolutely. 100%.

-All the Boys were there. -Right. Who?

Hunter was there. Darcy was there. Josh was there.

-Tom, Ned, Mick was there. -[man] Yo!

Hey, Mick, I'm just answering questions for Dicky here. You're all good.

-Dulcie. Dulcie's questions. -Uh, who else was there...

Ben, Rory, Seb, Jed.

And you're... you're Jed?

Nah, mate. I'm Ned.

Right. Sorry. Yes. Sorry.

So did Jason take all of you Boys,

you know, Mick, Sam, Ned, the Bens, etc, filming on Sunday?

Yeah, yeah, Dick. Yeah, all the Boys were out there Sunday night.

There he is! Ah! I'll stick my finger up your arse!

Detective, um I need you at the river real quick.

[man] It's going up there!

[Eddie] So you and all your croc blocks

were all shooting Jason's TV show on Sunday night,

-hooked together, cock-to-bum like a barrel full of fucking fuck monkeys? -[phone ringing]

Yeah, that's right. 100%. Hey, good to talk to you, legend. Keep it real.

W-

Fuck. Fuck me.

[phone ringing]

Hey, Allira, got any Cokes?

We haven't restocked them yet. They're out the back.

[phone continues ringing]

[groans] I'll get you one.

Thank you.

[ding]

Fuck off, Moonboot!

Ah. Collins. What's happening?

What did you want? A Fanta?

I wasn't listening.

[kid] Who wants to feed batfish as a competition prize?

-We want money. -Yeah! We've got stuff to pay for.

A pool, the broken boat.

And also, batfish again?

Hey, you better stop that before Aunty hears.

You know she loves her batfish.

-Hey, you lot. -[kids] Hello, Pat.

What are you doing here? I thought you'd be out there, reeling in a big one.

They wouldn't let us enter the Golden Barra,

even though Mav said he was 18 and I said I was 25.

Well, that's because you know all the good fishing spots,

and they're afraid you're going to win all the money.

-That's right. -[Pat laughs]

Hey, mate, I don't think we've met.

This is our cousin Mav. He's living with us now.

He's fructose intolerant, so we can't get mangoes anymore.

Ah, Mav.

You're Miki's uncle's boy, right?

You've stayed with her before. I knew it!

I never forget a pair of cheeks I want to squeeze.

[laughs]

Come on. Boss is sick. Let's go.

[Cherry] What's wrong with him? He looks OK.

Nup. He's got dog pox.

Alright, well, you guys want to lift back to Barra?

-[Cherry] Can we, Mav? -No.

See you, Pat.

I don't want to walk. It's too hot!

Stop blowing up my phone, Collins. I'm on my way now.

Oi! Allira!

What the fuck are you doing? Where's my fucking coke?

I'm on a break.

[Miki] Just stand back!

[man] Oi! Someone caught a big one!

No, no, no-one caught a big one, OK?

OK, please, get back.

You're getting dangerously close to marbled frog hibernation burrows.

[Eddie] Oi! Hey!

You heard the lady.

Move the fuck away from her special fucking frogs. Jeez!

But come back tomorrow, thank you.

And there's lots of info here about caring for Country

and other stuff that you don't give a shit about.

Why are you always yelling? Huh?

That's the most foot traffic we've had.

-Oh, you- You shout too. -No, that's you doing that.

I'm soft as fuck, normally. Foghorn.

[Eddie] Righto, Collins, I'm back. I'm Cokeless. What have you got for me?

Oh!

Oh, holy shit.

-Oh, fuck me. -Yes.

Yes, welcome to this.

Miki's colleague Isaac was out on his big dinghy boat

and found it wedged in some mangroves.

Yeah, did he say where?

Nah, he dumped it here, said he was too traumatised to work,

browsed for sunglasses on his phone for ten minutes,

then he went to his other job at Knob Nightclub,

so he's clearly torn up.

OK.

So, what have we got here, Collins?

It's an anterior and posterior lower torso pelvic region

encompassing the genitalia and anus there.

-So it's a dick-bum? -So it's... a dick and a bum.

Yeah, it's a dick-bum. Yeah, that's what it is. It's a dick-bum.

-[Miki laughing] Yes. It's a dick-bum. -It's-

[both giggling]

I'm going to go get a Coke.

-Yeah. -Bit thirsty.

What? Nothing. Fuck off.

Yep. Alright, I'm going to call forensics,

but it does fit Don's profile.

The right testicle's missing.

OK, well, I'll just confirm with my dick stick.

No, don't confirm with a- Don't confirm with a stick!

-Don't use a stick, Eddie. -As I suspected,

-no right tentacle. Testicle, testicle. -Yes.

Yes, I just told you that, so that's-

-[line ringing] -Don't! Don't! Yucky! Don't!

Yuck, Eddie!

-[Abby] Hi, ma'am. -Abby.

I'm glad you called, so I can officially log with someone that I'm alive, for now.

We need you out here at the Bashnanza.

Don's pelvis has turned up. I know it's not the full torso,

but it would still be good for you to have a look.

OK, but I'm going to be a while. I'm getting a lift with some fishermen

who won't tell me their names.

One's giving me nothing,

and the other says he's Mr Surname Redacted.

Oh, also, I found oil residue in the water near Don's jetty.

It's where Chomp's boat was moored.

According to the fishermen, if there's oil in the water,

it means the boat's leaking fuel,

and if the boat's leaking fuel, that means...

-[both] The engine's fucked. -Yeah, it's fucked.

Right, OK.

So we're looking for a Land of Crocs employee

-who owns a boat with a faulty engine. -Yes, ma'am. -[phone ringing]

Maybe I can trace the journey of the tinny

via the fuel trail?

Oh, the fishermen are nodding, ma'am.

-[Abby] It's Leo, my mentos. -Bye, ma'am.

-Backpack, what you got for me? -[Leo] Yes, hello to you.

There's three Land of Crocs staff

who Flora and I can't account for on Sunday night.

One of them used to work for Don Darrell.

-Who? -His name is Steven Houlihan.

Goes by the name of Spud.

He's a local. Do you know him?

Hello?

Oi, what do youse want to do this afternoon?

[Cherry] I want to go for a swim. I'm hot!

Where? They put road over the pool to make it a road.

[Cherry] We can play Waffle House Meow. Mum downloaded it for me.

It's an iPad game where you own a waffle shop run by cats.

And there's a secret shopper who's a bunny rabbit. And-

-Oi, let's cut through here. -Wait! It's illegal to go in the DRR!

There's aliens in there. They suck your brains out your nose.

Come on! It'll be way faster.

What if there's Min-Min?

-Come on, Cherry! -Hurry up, Cherry!

[barking]

Mav, we're going to cop an earful if Mum knows we've come here.

[barking]

-Oh, deadly. -What? What?

Cool!

-[Dulcie] So, Mr Houlihan, we are trying to ascert- -[Eddie] Oi, chicken-dicken,

where were you on Sunday night?

Don't say you were filming Jason's TV show 'cause we know you weren't.

How do you know? You been spying on me again.

You're obsessed. Stalker.

Coming back for more.

-Oh, Mr Houlihan! -[Eddie] Cut it out!

I gave you one gob job in 1995, OK? Get over it.

It wasn't even good. I spewed on your dick afterwards.

OK, we know that you weren't filming on Sunday night

because there is a list of people who were filming on Sunday

and that list does not include your name.

Your real name. Or your potato nickname.

What do you do for Jason Wade?

-Mr Houlihan! -[Eddie] I know what he does.

He bumps off Don Darrells,

chops them up into little pieces like an octopus on a teppanyaki grill

so Jason Wade can take over Best Best's stretch of river

and expand their universe of cocks.

Nah, you're talking out your ring!

Come on, it's the only job he can get.

Look at that face. No-one's going to put it on a telly, are they?

-Looks like dropped carbonara. -Oh, fuck you!

-Fuck you. -Alright. OK.

-Suck my dick! -No, you suck my dick.

Enough!

Thank you for your precious time, Mr Houlihan.

-Eddie, we're done here. -What? No, we're not done.

-Bum. -Collins, we're not-

Bum. Bum, bum!

Oi!

Collins, why are we done?

It's not Spud.

Like Leo said, our suspect in the Chomp costume

would have to be at least 5'9" to see out the mouth bit.

-How tall are you? -Six foot.

Our suspect would have to come up to at least here

and you and Spud were eye-to-eye

and only came up to here.

Tit height.

Spud's not our Chomp.

Fuck!

[loud clanging]

[Frank] Big magnet delivery!

You fucking beauty!

Oi! You could've put it out the fucking back!

I was told to drop it at the police station.

What's that say? Fucking police station.

Yeah, but look, it looks like shit.

Have a look through it, might get a Christmas present.

You better not have taken anything out of there.

What's that supposed to mean?

You know what I mean.

-Hi, ma'ams! -[Dulcie] Abby!

-I'm still alive. -[Eddie] Scaddle off, rat.

-[Frank] Righto. -We paid you for that shit.

See you met Eddie's dad.

-What? -Yeah.

So, that's a pair.

-Oh, that makes so much sense, ma'am. -Yeah.

Uh, Pat, can you get Luke to go through this?

Look, I'm not exactly sure where Luke is,

but to be honest, I'm not upset about it.

Don't stress! No, I can help.

What am I looking for in here?

-A weapon. -Motor-blade type weapon.

No probs.

Ow! Oh it's- I've got a slipped disc.

-I can help you, ma'am. I can- -[horn beeping]

-Oh. -Hey, Ally!

Are you done at the donga?

Yes, Lauren. I was done at the donga hours ago.

OK, well we've got the pelvis and we're going back to the city.

-Do you need a lift? -Of course I need a lift, Lauren!

I don't have a fucking car.

OK, I'll look at the body parts when I get access to the lab,

and then I'll see if Toby's shat out the toe

and then I'll go into debt renting my own car

so I can come back here tomorrow.

-OK? -OK, great... Abby,

but they are driving off without you again.

Oh, fuck me dead!

Wait! Oh! Wait!

Wait! Wait!

-Hi. -[both] Oh!

-Fucking funnel web in my... -Good lord, Leo.

-...arsehole, tunnelling its way to my brain. -Sorry. I-

I did loud stomping.

Turns out you were wrong before, about that land grab motive.

Ow, that slipped disc!

-Pinches in the bum! -[ding]

-Want me to help, Pat? -I'm fine.

[Leo] Is it sorting? 'Cause I like sorting.

-[Pat] Sure. -Text from Miki.

Oh, did you? Oh. How'd she get your number?

Did you... you gave it to her? Did you give her your number?

What? No, shut your hole.

No. She just texted to say that Isaac found the dick-bum in Stonker's territory.

Mate, that's 30 Ks upstream.

-Where the fuck is it?! -I know as much as you, Eddie.

[Leo] Remember how Eddie said that

a possible motive for Jason Wade was wanting Don's land?

Collins, did you take my very special map?

No, no, I didn't take your special soggy foot map.

So, Leo, Spud was a dead end,

but you said that there were three staff left on the list.

-Yes, but this is better. -Nup! I'm going to check the other bin.

I started looking into land titles, which led me to Crown land,

which is a wild concept that I will podcast about, if this goes to shit.

Hey, can I just get the highlights reel on that one, Leo?

Don and Jason's properties don't neighbour each other.

-There is another piece of land betwixt them. -Mm-hm? Yep.

It's called the DRR, Dirk's River Reserve.

It used to be military land, but reverted to Crown land in 2003.

OK, so- Oh, my God. Is this-

This is bigger! This one's bigger, Eddie.

[Eddie] Pat, have you seen my map? It's got a really fun maze on it.

Five years ago, a native title claim was submitted for the DRR.

Soon after, Don lodged a challenge because he wanted that land.

-Right. -Yeah.

Which means that Don is in a land dispute,

-Uh-huh. -So, Eddie, you were kind of right.

Stop talking.

I'm putting a pin in you. Right. Come and have a look at this.

I've been thinking about where the body parts were found.

-Have a squizz at this. -OK.

Here is where the arm was found. That's Goliath's territory.

-OK. -The head was here in Titan's patch.

The foot was more downstream where Monster is.

But the dick-bum,

the dick-bum, that was found all the way up here

in Stonker's Territory.

Our killer's chopped up old mate,

then they've taken their busted boat,

and it's going from croc hole to croc hole,

feeding Don to the bulls.

Whoever killed Don, they know this river and they know these crocs.

Leo, uh, who is Don in the land dispute with?

The Dungalaba Corporation.

[Cath] Yeah, so, Rabbit, I wasn't really happy only

And then Lynn offered me this job and I was like, "Yes!"

because it's important to be part of the community

and to contribute to it, isn't it, Rabbit?

-[man clears throat] -Hello, I'm Cath. What can I get you?

-Yeah. Yeah, OK, yeah. -[door opens]

Oh, here they are. Table for 36?

No, 35. We lost one to the fucking cops.

Al, do you have any alternative coverings?

A shirt? A poncho of some sort?

I only have the Chomp costume, and it's too hot.

It'll give me swamp nuts.

-Right. Right, well, that's best avoided. -Yeah.

Hey, how long will this take? I'm on a date with Roisin right now.

We'll see. Al, when was the last time you saw Don Darrell?

Mmm, I don't know. A couple of weeks ago, maybe?

[Pat] Sorry, guys. Sorry. Sorry to interrupt.

I've just got to get in here and heat my heat pack up for my back.

Leo's helping with the weapon search now, so-

I'm just getting zings down the leg.

-Would you say... -[microwave whirs]

Would you say that you and Don Darrell are friendly?

Nah, Don was always yelling at someone or something.

Doesn't surprise me someone killed him.

He was a p-

Wait. Why are you asking me?

[microwave beeps]

Oh, smells like Luke's microwave tuna.

I tell you that, he's not socialized right.

What adult sucks yogurt from a pouch?

I mean, you know? Very weird.

Anyway, I'll get out of your hair.

You're looking good, Al. Eh?

Al, we know your family was involved in a land dispute with Don Darrell,

for ages, yeah?

Says here it's been in court for five years.

Five years. That is a long time.

We've been waiting longer than that to get our land back.

-Mm. -Fair enough, yeah.

So, Al, where were you last Sunday night at 11.30pm?

-I was at... home. -Really?

'Cause this photo here was taken from a drone

that was filming out at Don's donga at that time.

This is Don, and we think that the person in the Chomp costume is you.

That could be anyone.

Well, no, the person here has a boat that's leaking fuel.

And we know that your boat is busted

because your niece, Cherry, said she put dog biscuits in the fuel tank.

You're also one of only two Land of Croc staff

that are tall enough for the Chomp costume.

That's right, there was you and a...

"Roy-sin."

-Roisin. -Right. "Sheen", "sheen".

It's the last... last name.

So, was it you or Mr Sheen?

-Look, it's not what it looks like. -[Eddie] Really?

'Cause what it looks like is you dragging a very dead Don Darrell

up the jetty towards the donga.

No, no, no, no, no, no. He wasn't dead.

OK, I was out on the river,

and then I saw him struggling to get out of his boat

because he was shit-faced, OK? Full horrors.

So I helped him inside.

So you didn't kill him? Cut him up?

Feed him to the bull crocs like some kind of demon river Santa?

[Al] No! He was alive when I left him.

Why were you on the river then?

I was out there for special king tide cultural business.

Oh, OK. Yeah. In your Chomp costume.

Yeah, I was stuck in it and there was no-one left at work to help me.

Well, yesterday at the CrocaSphere,

Jason Wade said, "No-one knows this river and its crocs like Al."

Exactly. If I was a murderer, which I'm not,

I'd never dump a body in a river where 4,000 fish have been released

for the Bashnanza!

Crocs won't eat some old dead fella when there's fresh barra to eat.

They're as smart as a chicken, but they have standards.

I'm right, aren't I?

None of Don's body parts were even eaten, eh?

And, yeah, my boat's busted-up and it's leaking,

but any fuel trail will lead from Don's jetty

back to where I tie up near the creepy tree with a face.

'Cause after I got that racist prick into the donga,

-I went home and I watched TV. -[phone ringing]

I am sorry, I have to take this.

What did you watch on the telly, then?

Cool Runnings. About the Jamaican bobsled team.

Can anyone verify that?

-The plot? -Yes.

Superintendent.

Don't look away, Deb. You don't want to miss it.

Sorry, Detective, I'm just down here at Mindil Beach

watching the sunset with the in-laws.

-Have you been? -No, no, I haven't.

Oh, you've got to go.

Look, I'm not religious, but this is my church.

I mean, it's spectacular. It's- [chuckles]

Anyway, Jason Wade's been in touch.

He's ropeable about his staff being questioned

while they were on the job today.

Ah, yeah, I did not think that he recognised me.

Well, his Boys must have reported back.

He's called all the higher-ups too.

So do you have something on Jason?

Because if you do, I'll absolutely back you.

No. No, we don't.

We were following a line of inquiry that involved him,

but recent developments suggest that neither Jason nor his staff

had anything to do with Don's homicide.

Oh, OK.

I'll report back to HQ and put out some fires

because currently Wade's clamped onto you

and he doesn't want to let go until you've got no career left.

Oh! Well, that's super-duper news.

Yeah, look, Detective, I know we've only just met

and I'm not across what happened in Tassie,

but I do need to be kept in the loop with all of this.

Communication is kindness, as my daughter Alice says,

right before she sledges my footwear.

Yes, of course, Superintendent.

And, look, Deadloch wasn't the best reflection of my professional standards.

Mistakes were made.

Yeah, well, I know you're diligent.

I've seen your handwriting. I thought it was type.

But, from all reports, Detective Redcliffe doesn't share your respect for protocol.

Look, Bernie, we're nearly there. Keep an eye on it.

Like, obviously, there's a chain of command.

Now, Redcliffe directing Sergeant Ferguson to conduct a premises search today,

that wasn't great.

I mean, the fact that he found something's irrelevant.

-Here we go! -Sorry, Eddie did what?

Do you know how unprofessional and foolish you made me look

in front of the Superintendent?

-You should have told me, Eddie. -Look, I'm telling you now, OK?

I got Luke to do a property search.

-There you go. -For what purpose?

Fuckin' Frank's been up to his old tricks again, hasn't he?

I wouldn't know, Eddie!

Same shit he was up to six months ago when me and Bushie put him away.

I'm sorry, what? You put your dad away?

What, was he involved in a homicide?

No- Yes! Yes, it was a fucking homicide to me, OK?

And when I saw my roommates in that cool room last night, I knew,

I knew he was doing it again.

Doing what, Eddie?

Poaching wild crocs, Collins, OK?

Selling their bits on the black market

to make fucking erection powders and little morbid wind chimes and shit.

But don't take my word for it. Come look.

No! Frank poaching crocs might be illegal, but it is not relevant to Don Darrell.

So I've been working our actual case, Eddie,

but you, you've been having covert conversations,

you've been unlawfully discharging weapons,

requesting searches behind my back!

You know, I knew when I saw him out here the other day, I fucking knew!

I should've twigged then. I should've fucking twigged.

When those pub witches let me out and I saw his scooter, I should've booked him.

Behold, Frank's craven fuckin' black-market crocodile empire.

Yeah, it's a shock, isn't it?

Fo-

Wait.

Nah, there was fucking crocs in here!

He's poaching again! They were here!

-Look! Look at all this! -Look at all out treasure!

-Whoa! Let's go! -Oh!

Guys, I found a microphone.

-Oi, can I have this? -[Leo] Yes.

-What's this, can I have this too? -[Leo] Yeah. Yeah, go ahead.

We're rich!

-Come on, let's go, guys. -Come on, you mob!

-Hey, this microphone still works. -Give that to me.

I've got to make a new song for...

[kids continue to chatter indistinctly]

I swear! I swear, there were four crocs in here, stacked up.

One of them had no head.

-It was a fridge full of wild salties. -Oh, wow. None? No head, huh?

-He's moved them. -Oh, when, Eddie?

-Oh, that fucking cunt has moved them. -He's been on our river search all day, Eddie.

-He's used that magnet! -We do not have time for this.

He's probably put him in his shed.

Hey, you two! I got a new job! And my tits out.

I'm Lynn's bar wench.

Cath, have you seen my old man?

Bar stool second from the end, puts 20 bucks down for a round.

Oh, my God, that's your dad? No, no, he just took a call and left.

Fuck! Someone's tipped him off about Moonboot.

-OK, we have to get to his place... -No!

-...before he starts- -No! We have our own case!

And clearly someone else went out to the donga after Al left,

so I need you here, not fixating on your dad.

No, I am not letting him touch one more of those magical creatures, OK?

It's like defiling a merman!

-I found something in the river junk. -Oh! Jesus...

I left it on your desk.

Please tell me it's our motor-blade weapon.

-No, it's not. -See, Collins, it's nothing. -Oh, of course.

We're at imp's arse.

-Imp's arse? -Come on, you're driving to Frank's. Collins, check the river junk.

It's "impasse", Eddie, it's "impasse".

And leave your dad alone!

[? Dave Dobbyn's "Slice Of Heaven Plays"]

[Leo] Bang it, Leo! come on.

If you see a buffalo, just smash through it. They don't belong here.

I'm not smashing through a buffalo.

[Eddie] Mentos, I'm your mentor. I'm mentoring you to go faster.

-Well, I'm driving the speed limit. -[Eddie] Fuck the speed limit!

This is a croc emergency!

-[Leo] I'm not fucking the speed limit. -Go up his driveway.

Alright, bang it up here, Leo. Hey, there he is!

Handbrake! Tokyo Drift it!

[Leo] I don't know what drifting is.

[Eddie] Oh, nah, I'll run. Stop the car. I'm gonna run.

You're slower than a turtle doing a shit.

[Luke] Mr McAllister, dismount. Dismount the scooter!

-[Eddie] Frank! Frank, don't talk to him. -[Frank] You've got no right to be here!

This is private property. Where's your warrant?

Oh, there. There's your fucking warrant.

What do you got for me, Moonboot?

Um, it's just over here.

Why can't you just do something normal for a living like everybody else's dad?

Be a baker, or a butcher, or a fucking regional manager.

What are you on about, girl?

I saw the crocs in the cool room!

You're up to your poaching shit again.

I didn't poach any crocs!

-It was a stitch-up! -Oh, bullshit!

Alright, what do you got for me, Moonboot?

What's he hiding out here, huh?

What did you find?

What the fuck is that?

[tense music plays]

Shit half-arsed job.

[grunts] Can't even... dig a proper... fucking hole.

What do you got buried in here, hey?

Croc heads? Croc tails?

Croc dicks, croc nuts, hey?

What are you trying to hide?

Here we fucking go. I've struck croc bone here.

What's this? Hang on.

What is that?

This is Detective Dulcie Collins at Barra Creek Police Station.

We've found a police-issue handgun with two rounds missing.

We're just hoping to identify the owner.

Uh, serial number V86463, November.

Mm-hm.

What is this, Frank?

Did you chop and chuck Don Darrell?

Did ya?

Thanks.

[theme music plays]

[music ends]

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