Original subtitles

[man] We've recruited an interstate detective to lead the case.

Detective Eddie Redcliffe is my name.

I'm from Darwin. I'm running the show.

And I want to get this thing wrapped up in record-o time-o.

[Dulcie] Deadloch has a serial killer.

He has been living under my nose for five years.

I probably know him.

-You are not my partner. -I am. It is deeply unfortunate.

I don't have a best friend 'cause my best friend died.

I'm king-effing shit up in Darwin.

-They don't want me either. -Why not?

'Cause I fuckin' killed my partner!

Bushy. He got eaten by a croc.

I was supposed to be with him when it happened, but I was pissing on.

It's just a job, Dulcie.

Right now my job's more important than us, Cath.

Started calling you Collins, by the way. It's just a little nickname.

OK. Alright.

Fuckin' hell, Collins! You fuckin' cracked it.

Oh.

You hate it here, sexy.

Let's leave Deadloch.

OK. OK.

Bushy wasn't chum. He wasn't eaten by a croc.

He was...

shot in the head.

I knew when he went missing,

That's why they sent me down here.

They... They just didn't want me sniffing around 'cause I was right!

[Eddie] G'day, Holly.

We're here to help solve Bushy's murder.

[eerie music plays]

[birds call]

[? Elton John sings "Crocodile Rock"]

? I remember when rock was young ?

? Me and Susie had so much fun...

[woman 1] Sorry! We went to the wrong croc tour.

[woman 2] Yep. So those missing Swedish backpackers did our boat tour,

then they left and they got Wolf Creeked, probably.

Here, we'll just wait for these latecomers.

Yeah. OK.

Right, Leon, do you want to take a seat?

-It's Leo, not Leon. -Yeah, sorry, babe.

Welcome to Don Darrell's Best Best Jumping Croc Tours.

I'm Amber, Don's daughter. My husband, Grent, is the skipper.

And my little brother with the pole is called Troy. Isn't that right, Troy?

-Yeah. -Yeah, alright. So, safety stuff.

Hands and feet inside the boat at all times. Any questions?

Yeah. Who were the traditional owners here?

Yeah, so my dad started Best Best back in the late '70s.

Which is way before fuckin' Jason Wade's fuckin' Land of Crocs.

-Way before, right? -Way before.

OK. Alright, babe! Let's go.

[engine whirring loudly]

[Amber] Now, a lot of people say if you're getting attacked by a croc,

you want to gouge out its eyes.

-But what are they being, Troy? -Naive.

That's right, they're being naive.

As my dad Don always says,

if you're getting attacked by a croc, you're not surviving,

you're dying.

OK.

Look over here, you'll see your first croc.

Old Scrubber.

Can you all see that?

-[gasping] -[woman] There it is. There it is!

Good. No refunds. [laughing]

Troy, pole.

-[Amber murmurs indistinctly] -[passengers murmur]

Let's see if she's going to give us a show here today.

[passengers exclaim]

[Amber] That's it, she's hungry.

-Alright. -[applause]

Now, you might be thinking, "Fuck me, that's a big croc!"

-But it's not. -Nup, it's not.

Old Scrubber here's only three metres.

'Cause she's just a girl.

Our bull croc along here is Goliath.

5.3m, teeth to tail. He's the boss.

And he'll take down any male who tries to take over his territory.

-[man, over loudspeaker] ...saltwater crocodile has the strongest bite force of any living animal...

Fuck are those Land of Croc cunts doing now?

Oi! You lot! You rack off!

The border is the big white rock!

[Amber] Bullshit it is, Spud!

Ram 'em, babe. Ram 'em!

[passengers exclaim]

[Amber] You look like a shaved dick!

[Troy] No! Amber!

What?

Holy shit!

Which bull is it? Is it Goliath?

Use your pole, Troy. Flip him! Fuckin' flip him!

Come on, give a big one!

It's not Goliath, thank fuck!

Wait, Troy...

What the fuck's that in its mouth?

[passenger screams]

[theme music plays]

-[whistle blows] -[cheering]

? Agadoo-doo-doo, push pineapple, shake the tree ?

? Agadoo-doo-doo, push pineapple, grind coffee ?

? To the left, to the...

[screams] Here comes a big one!

Um, I think I might-

[Eddie] Collins! Collins!

[Dulcie] No, Eddie, don't get in-

-Collins! -I was gonna get out, Eddie!

Hey, that new, uh...

that new superintendent down at Police HQ, what's his name?

-Col Culkin. -Macaulay Culkin, yeah, yeah.

He just called, he said we could talk about Bushy today!

Come on! I'll break the surface tension. Follow the slipstream.

Alright, here's the plan, OK? We go into HQ, and we go,

"Oi, listen up, cunts, Bushy's death was sus as fuck, OK?

We reckon he was definitely investigating something,

and that's what got him killed."

And then we go, "You lot have obviously been too busy

sitting around, licking your own fuckin' dickholes

to see what's been happening here,

so you need to tootle-fuck and let us run the case.

Capisce? Or comprende?"

-Uh-huh. -Mmm.

Let's give those lazy cunts a razz!

-Hey! -Ow!

-Fuck's sake, Collins, that's... liquid gold! -That was not...

I didn't think that you were doing what you ended up doing!

-I didn't know you were gonna dance! -[Eddie speaks indistinctly]

[Dulcie] Can you tell me if my ponytail is straight?

-[Eddie] Straight as it can get for a lesbian. -[Dulcie] Oh, don't do that.

Look, there's no easy way to say this, but Detective Bushman committed suicide.

The bullet they found in his skull matched ballistics,

which confirmed that it was discharged from his own service weapon.

I am... I'm terribly sorry.

Nah. Nah.

Someone got the... wrong end of the dick with that one. [laughs]

Ah, well, the brief from Bushy's psychologist

also said that he was struggling with depression,

uh, hypertension, complex PTSD, suicidal ideation.

Yeah, but that's just cop stuff.

Everyone talks about blowing their brains out after a few beers.

That's just a regular Friday night, isn't it?

Ah, there was also a note.

Yeah, his wife, Holly, found it when she was packing up the home.

Um, you were mentioned, Detective Redcliffe. Uh...

Look, I know how rough this is.

I went through the same thing with my police partner 10 years ago,

and I did not cope.

You know, I started drinking. I got heavily into capoeira.

You know what, that's probably just a note from some other time, I think.

There was another time?

Well, no, he's dated it and initialled it, so it's quite thorough, really.

You know what, I'm just going to take this and, um, and give it a read. Ta, Colby.

-Alright, would you like some comfort? -No, I'm fine, I'm fine!

-I can come with you and- -I'm fine. I can read now, so...

Oh, dear. Look, we can offer the detective counselling or leave,

a support dog... a therapy puppet!

Well, HR's really pushing the puppets at the moment,

it's just probably less training, that's all.

[woman, over loudspeaker] Well, folks, the dry season's over

and the rains are coming,

so that means it's time for our Build Up sale.

We've got tankinis, monokinis, cut-outs, faux-kinis...

[melancholy music plays]

[Eddie sighs]

[ticking, hissing]

[Culkin] So, um, so you and your husband-

Uh, my wife.

Oh! Right? Yeah. No, well, that's good too.

Better, actually. You know, I voted yes.

So, now the Bushman case has been, uh, resolved,

will you be heading back to Tassie?

Ah, no plans to go back, no.

No, I was considering a lateral transfer.

I could pivot to the missing Swedish backpackers case.

Oh, um...

Yeah, well, Detective Blunt's leading Taskforce Hammare.

OK, alright.

Well, I've tried suggesting people for his team before

and I think Blunt's commitment to diversity

only stretches as far as a bloke who wears contact lenses.

-Right, right. -Yeah, so, uh...

backpacker team's a shut shop, unfortunately.

Uh-huh.

Still, Darwin's worth the trip, isn't it?

You know, incredible beaches.

Well, not for the swimming, obviously,

with the crocs and the jellyfish and the undetonated World War II bombs.

Yeah, but there's waterfalls, they're spectacular.

-[Cath] Bushy took his own life? -[Dulcie] Yes, he did.

Oh, that's awful. How's Eddie?

[thud]

Got any king pythons?

Only in jumbo packets.

Fuck!

Does she have any family here?

-Like a support network? -No.

Uh, we saw Holly

and she handed Eddie that box of Bushy stuff

and said she never wanted to hear from anyone in Territory Police ever again.

Oh. Well, I'm glad Eddie's been offered counselling.

She needs a therapist. Maybe someone who specialises in ADHD in young boys.

Did you want to enter the competition for Jason Wade's Big Barra Bashnanza?

The Golden Barra's 200k this year.

No.

Or you can sign up for the Bashnanza raffle and win a jet ski.

It's got a swim platform and a cover and stuff and whatever.

Alright, hand it over. Fuck.

OK, so what's the plan now?

-We have noodles and... -No, no, the plan-plan,

besides going to a waterfall.

Oh, um, I hear ASIO's hiring...

No, not work, sexy. Life!

[gasps] Let's drive around Australia.

Fern is with her grandma's in Sydney and I've left all my book clubs.

Come on, we're rich, unemployed lesbians.

It's either a road trip or we run for parliament

and I could get into surfing

and you could get into...

something weather-y.

Oh, you could be like a storm chaser like Helen Hunt.

You love the weather! And I could get some of those rubber boots

so you don't get electrocuted.

Cath, I'm... feeling...

-with my feelings that- -Yeah.

Yeah, OK. Yeah, I need to... The rubber boots can wait...

-Yes. OK. -...can't they? Yeah.

'Cause we need to focus on what's important right now

and that is Eddie, isn't it?

-Yes. -She needs our love and our support

and a float at a waterfall

that's only a little bit croccy.

What's "a little bit croccy"?

Yeah, so I signed us up to win a jet ski.

-OK. -Yeah.

We've just got to beat a bloke called Lloyd Reynolds

who entered 48 times in a row. [chuckles]

-Uh, Eddie... -Yeah, look, I owe you twos a sorry.

You know, for making you put your life on hold

and for dragging you all the way up here.

-No, no, no. -It's fine.

Collins, I'm sorry that Bushy's investigation was a bust

and now you're up here in Darwin for no good reason

and, you know, you look like shit all the time

because of the humidity.

-Oh, no, the hives are clearing up. -Her hair curl routine just needs tweaking.

Anyway, I'm going to piss off.

Let you get back to your gay marriage.

-What? You're going? -Yeah, yeah.

Got plenty of stuff to get onto. Got this bag of snakes.

About to win a jet ski, so that'll keep me busy.

Anyway, point is, this is the end. The end of the friendship.

Oi, Allira, which way's the desert?

Righto.

Too-ra.

-[Cath] Eddie, wait! -Nah, you're right.

-Dulcie, do something! -[phone buzzing]

[Eddie] I'll get my sports bras from the sleepy nook in the camper.

Uh, Detective Dulcie Collins.

-[Eddie] Cath, you got the keys? -[Cath] No, Dulcie's got them.

Oh, Superintendent Culkin.

[Cath] Eddie, just wait! We can talk about this.

We're at a petrol station in...

-[Cath] Dicks River. -Dicks River.

[Cath] Oh, no, no! Dirks River.

Uh, Dirk, no, Dirks River. There's no dicks.

There's... It's not... Uh...

How can I help you? How can we help?

[eerie music]

[indistinct chatter]

[indistinct]

[woman] Yeah, we're from Melbourne. We're just...

Right.

Does Barra Creek get many body parts lodged inside dead reptiles?

-How am I supposed to fuckin' know? -Do you think it's male or female?

I don't know how this croc identified.

Oh, don't be smart! I meant the arm.

I know what you meant.

Just don't want to get dragged into

your fuckin' who, what, when, where, who bullshit.

I put the police tape up.

I stopped a grey nomad from taking a picture of the arm on her iPad.

I've done plenty. OK?

Come on, let's go!

Look, if we run fast enough, we can catch up with Cath at the waterfall.

No, Superintendent Culkin asked us to assist the local senior sergeant

until homicide get here. Don't make that face.

Well, he is not my boss.

And neither are you. So, stiff clitties.

-Stiff clitties? Oh, lovely. -[Amber] Nup. Pussy's crack with this!

-I want a word with you lot. -Oh, hey.

Uh, I gotta go piss.

No! You just went.

I've got a UTI, OK? It's like fire ants in my urethra.

Oi, listen.

-You cops need to fuck off. -[Dulcie] Behind the tape, ma'am and sir.

We got a tour coming through here in 45, and I'm not cancelling.

I've already had to refund that mouth from Melbourne

'cause Leon vommed on her shoes.

-$55. -Well, no, no.

We will not leave, ma'am, because this is a crime scene.

This is not a crime scene. This is my private property.

How dare you?

What the fuck are you doing here?

I'm not here. I'm not me. So...

You think I wouldn't recognise you,

coming in here behind those bloodshit polarised lenses?

-Hey, they're ombre! -Sorry, what is happening?

You need to fuck off! She's barred from here.

OK? My dad barred her from here.

-Pat, Pat! She's barred from here. -[Eddie] Yeah, yeah.

[Pat] Eddie.

-Fuck. -[Amber] It's not on, Pat!

-Get her out. -I didn't recognise you! Welcome home.

What do you mean "welcome home"? "Home" as in home, home?

-You're from Barra Creek? -No, no, no.

Remember the last time I saw you? You probably don't.

-Rolling drunk, she was. -OK, yeah.

[Pat] Out on the highway with some dog.

Having a fight with a tree.

-How long you home for? -I'm not home, OK?

I hate this fuckin' town.

I hope it slides into the river next time it fuckin' rains.

Well, piss off, then, before Dad comes back

-and you become the fuckin' crime scene. -[sirens wail]

Oh, great! Look, the jizz squad has arrived. That's perfect timing.

Pat, It's been lovely. Good luck with your life.

Have a great one. And, uh, Amber,

-you can suck a fuck. -[Amber] You fuckin' shit!

-[Eddie] Collins, meet you in the car park. I'm calling Cath. -[Pat] Who's this?

It's not the Dirks River boys.

[Dulcie] That's Detective Blunt.

He's on the backpacker case.

What's he doing here?

[man 1] Alright. Clear the scene. We've got it from here.

[men chatter indistinctly]

[man 2] Rangers have arrived.

[Blunt] Get them to cut the crock open. There'll be more inside.

What size are these tiny girl gloves, Steve?

-[Steve] Small to medium. -Fuckin' small to medium. Fuck!

Steve, you got that photo?

Alright.

Yep, I called it.

The arm's got the same tattoo, see? Both lavender.

That's her flower tattoo. It's Ebba. It's Ebba's arm.

Swedish girls got eaten. They got eaten by crocs.

[man] 100%, 100%.

Put that on ice. Send it to the fianc�.

-Where's my phone? I'm calling the senator. -Detective?

-[Blunt] Hello, mate. Yes, as suspected. -[Dulcie] Detective.

-[Blunt] Yeah. Shit news. -Sorry, can I...

-Detective? -I'll tell you what, if you call for that croc cull, Senator,

I'm going to back you 200%, mate. Yeah, you have my...

Hang on, Russ, sorry.

-Got a tourist here. -Oh.

-This is a crime scene. -Yes, I know. I'm Detective Collins.

Superintendent Culkin called me in to assist.

That pinko greenie? 'Course he fuckin' did.

Senator, sorry. Can I call you back, mate? Thank you.

So you think that that arm belongs to one of the Swedish backpackers?

No, don't think. I know.

Right. Yes, right.

Well, I worked as a detective for 15 years,

and I just completed five years in Tasmania,

so if an extra pair of hands is needed

to figure out the victim's last movements, I can absolutely-

-Hang on, did you say Tasmania? -Yes, yes.

-What's your name again? -Dulcie Collins.

-F... You're that Deadlake bird. -Ah...

You know you're the talk of the group chat.

How you fucked up an investigation so royally

you got three innocent men killed?

One of them was a serial killer, actually.

Yeah, well, look, thanks for the offer, but I don't need any help.

You know, particularly from Nancy Drew's fuckin' stretched-out attic twin.

Have a good one. OK, boys, we've got to do this presser.

What do you reckon, aviators on or off?

-[man 1] On. -[man 2] 100%.

[Blunt] Yeah, I reckoned on. I reckoned on.

[man 2] Yeah, 100%.

[men all repeat agreement]

[hums tune]

[man] So, which croc was it, then, Mik?

I don't know which one it is, Isaac, it's too busted up.

Is it a bull from another part of the river?

Like Whopper from Dirks River? Or Cyclops or Dunker?

[Mik] Working in that nightclub busted your ear bones, cuz.

I already said I don't know. Whoever he is, he's fuckin' massive.

-[Isaac] Maybe it was Megamouth? -[Mik] Oh, my God, shut up!

[horn beeps, music plays loudly]

Cath! Finally!

-Eddie. -Ugh.

If this is about me not telling you I was from here... Fuck me!

Not even three hours in this rat hole, it's already taken its toll.

What happened to you, Collins? Look like the bones of Rasputin.

-Nothing happened. -Drink water.

Sorry I'm late! I got caught talking to lesbians.

There were so many of them, and they were all so beautiful.

Waterfalls, I mean.

There were only two confirmed lesbians, and they were both very sunburnt.

OK. Alright, Cath, let's get out of here.

There's a seat at the Darwin Ski Club with my arse's name on it.

[Cath] Oh, no, no, we can't drive anywhere.

The camper van company said we're not allowed to drive on the highway after dark

'cause of the buffaloes.

But I've booked us into the Barra Creek Caravan Park for the night.

Fuck!

What? Have you stayed there before?

Are the toilets bad?

[drone whirs loudly]

[reporter] But first, a sad update

in the search for the missing Swedish backpackers,

with lead detective Michael Blunt addressing media earlier this evening.

We believe that Swedish backpacker Ebba Ehrling

was the victim of a croc attack.

We also believe that it's only a matter of time

before we recover the remains of one Astrid Ahlberg.

It's pretty clear that Ebba went into the water at Crossley's Crossing

at some time, probably having a skinny dip.

Yeah, and she's been taken by a bull croc.

And then that bull croc has choked on her arm

and floated upstream to Barra Creek, where it was discovered.

[man] We need to start culling the bastards.

The Swedes?

No, not the bloody Swedes, Rabbit! The bloody crocs.

They've taken over. They'll be walking on land next.

OK, my love!

Is Eddie joining us?

I got us the emu and kangaroo sausages. They're the house special.

OK, so the pub has new owners, Lynn and Mary.

Both straight for now, but life's long, isn't it?

Mm-hm, it is.

Is that Eddie?

Oh, my God, look at her! Look at her little topknot, Dulce!

Aw!

I know she doesn't have any family in town.

Is there anyone she wants to catch up with while we're here?

We could throw a barbecue. We just need a barbecue.

Actually, I'm going to buy us a barbecue.

-Is that the backpackers? -Yeah, Lynn said they worked here.

[eerie music plays]

I wonder where Eddie's got to.

[car approaches, "Slice Of Heaven" plays]

[woman] G'day, everyone.

So Mary and I have decided that bingo will go ahead tonight,

but now it'll be in Astrid and Ebba's honour, which is nice.

[man] No-one likes your effing bingo.

Oi! Take a bingo sheet out of respect for the dead bird,

or Lynn won't be driving you to dialysis next week.

What are you drawing?

Oh, nothing. That's a...

That's a train.

[Dulcie clears throat]

If that's a train, you need an MRI. It looks like an arm.

Dulce, what's going on? I promise I won't freak out.

I'm doing so much work on myself at the moment

I've basically evolved into a cosmic head.

Oh, look, Cath,

Blunt made an ID on the arm today

without any forensics input.

Just based on a tattoo on an arm

that had been used as a reptile's chew toy.

-Do you think it's Ebba's tattoo? -Uh, I don't know. I don't know.

But it's frustrating I don't have access to the crime scene photos

'cause I'm not working the case.

You see, Blunt said that the backpackers were last seen at Crossley's Crossing,

but look at that mural over there!

How did the arm travel to Barra Creek?

We're 50km upstream.

[Mary] Last call for bingo!

Cath, what if the arm doesn't belong to Ebba?

What if Blunt's got this ID wrong?

Those missing women could still be out there,

and that's to say nothing of the actual person whose arm was found today.

What about them? The way this is being investigated is just not right.

Do you remember what I said in our marriage vows?

Yes, I do remember, because all four of our parents were there.

I said your sense of justice is my favourite thing about you,

aside from your perfect clit.

Yeah, and then a month later, my dad died.

Yeah, look, if you think there's something wrong here, you need to go for it.

We'll just keep checking in. OK?

[Mary] Ah, before I get on the bingo balls,

we'll have a minute's silence for Astrid and Ebba.

I'll use a timer on my phone.

OK, and... go.

[phone dings]

Oh, uh...

Sorry, my bad there.

[footsteps approach]

[Dulcie, breathlessly] Eddie!

Collins? What are you doing?

I'm running to you.

Why are you so fuckin' slow?

Oh, Christ. I'm overheating.

I am like a computer on a lap.

How does anyone move up here? The air is thicker than Clag!

[sighs] Listen, Blunt has made the wrong ID on that arm.

-I can feel it. -No, no.

What you're feeling is a very, very bad case of tit thrush.

No, that... OK, well, that was not Cath's story to tell.

I saw the cream.

No, well, the fungal infection under my breasts

is totally irrelevant right now. Look.

Look, the tattoos don't match.

Ebba's tattoo is lavender and violet, and the victim's tattoo is...

I mean, I don't know exactly what that is, but I think there's legs involved.

But the point is, the arm from the river isn't Ebba's.

I think we've got a John Doe on our hands.

No. I don't have anything on my hands.

Yeah? Some rando wants to go for a swim

in a river filled with reptilian death puppies, not my problem.

OK, right. Well, I am sending you the photo.

-No! Don't send me- -No, I'm sending it.

I am sending you the photo.

And there. It's sent.

Was that your phone?

Oh, well, that was very silly, Eddie.

That was just a silly, silly thing to do.

-How are you going to make calls now? -I don't care.

I'm not going to make a fuckin' call.

I won't make a call ever again in my whole fuckin' life.

Just... Come on.

[sighs] Right.

I understand not...

Look, I understand not wanting to spend time in your hometown.

I grew up in Canberra, and I didn't have many friends either,

-mostly 'cause of... -No, I had many friends.

...mostly 'cause of our 8pm curfew, and we prayed a lot.

But...

we can't walk away from this.

Watch me. I'll make it fuckin' jaunty for you.

[sings] ? Agadoo-doo-doo...

Eddie!

? Do ya see me walk away?

-? Agadoo-doo-doo... -This community deserves answers!

Mate! There is no community in Barra Creek, OK?

A full arm showed up, but did anybody report a missing person?

Nup. No-one in this town gives a shit about anything or anyone.

OK, fine. That's fine, Eddie. You go back to Darwin.

-You drink your coke. -Hoon around on my new jet ski.

Oh, yeah, hoon around on your new jet ski that you will absolutely not win.

But I am staying here

because I owe it to this John Doe to at least try and ID them.

Besides, what else am I going to do? Huh? I'm going to go to Alice Springs?

It is a lesbian social worker vortex!

It will suck Cath in and never let her go.

[horn blares]

Your ears stuffed with big fat balls?

I told you to fuck off.

I'm going home tomorrow, Amber, OK? So you can fuckin' fuck off.

From Dad's Best Best billboard right down to the Drowsy Driver Roadside Trivia sign,

this is my family's.

Barra Creek is Darrell country,

and you're not welcome after what you did.

Ugh. I didn't fuckin' do anything.

-You put a croc in Dad's ute! -Oh, come on!

It was a one-meter freshie, OK? That was croc justice.

And it wasn't even big enough to bite his hand.

And you know what? He deserved it after what he did.

What did he do?

-None of your business. -Don't worry about it.

You tried to kill him.

Don fuckin' bulldozed a roadside memorial to my mum

so he could widen his driveway by 70 centimetres!

Yeah, so he could get the truck in to get the new shed in to put the boat in.

You're rat dogs. You bunch of you, fuckin' rat dogs.

At 7:35am, I'm doing the daycare drop-off at Kroccy Kidz with a Z.

When I come back through here for the iced coffees,

I better not see you, yeah?

My family run this town.

What town?

It's just a fuckin' pub, a police station, and a fuckin' bin.

Yeah, well, the joke's on you, shithead, 'cause we've got two bins now!

Oh, OK, cool. Guess what else you've got two of?

This one and this one. Fuckin' sit on that.

-Piss off! -Yeah, tell Don to sit on it, too!

Sit on a big one, you giant piece of shit people-mover!

Fuckin'... shit car.

Sorry about your mum's memorial.

Why? You didn't drive over it with a Komatsu.

Here.

Is that why you didn't tell me Barra Creek was your hometown,

because of your mum and...

putting a crocodile in that gentleman's car?

Yeah, because this town is full of shit cunts like the Darrells

who just do whatever the fuck they want.

Sometimes I think the only form of justice they understand is

Oh, well, we can do away with the courts, then.

Hang on, shut up. Where'd you get these?

Ah, um, a journo sent them to me.

They were on the boat.

They're the one that vomited on the passenger's sandals.

They be-beeped it to my phone. There was a be-beeping sound.

That's not a croc bite.

-What? -Crocs' teeth don't cut like that.

They just thrash you around till you're in chunks

so they can swallow you.

That's been chopped off.

Fuck!

It's a fuckin' homicide.

Oh, that's fuckin' great, isn't it?

Now we're looking for a missing person and a fuckin' killer.

-Fuck. -We?

Yeah.

Yeah, fuck this town. Fuck... Fuck the lot of them.

I'm like herpes. I can leave when I fuckin' want.

So that's... That's a yes?

-Yes, yes, fucking yes. -Yes? You are going to say yes?

-Yes! Yes! -Hey! Ow.

Great. I'll call the superintendent first thing in the morning,

and we'll get the proper permissions.

Suck job.

Well, that's just standard procedure, Eddie.

-You're such a cop. -You're a cop too.

Yeah, but I'm, like, a cool cop.

[Dulcie] So you're still sleeping in the camper with us tonight?

[Eddie] Yeah, 'course! Sleeping in my nook.

That's where my bag of undies is.

[tense music plays]

[bats chitter]

-Guess what I had for dinner? -[dog barking]

I don't know. Falafel?

No, Aunty Mary gave us ice-cream

because Mum was cutting up a dead crocodile!

-[kid] Hello. Boss! -What?

-Did you say a dead crocodile? -Yeah, a big one.

What's your mum do for a job? She a butcher?

She's a ranger.

-She got me this fishing shirt. -Oh! That is a very good shirt.

What's that? That drawing on the billboard?

Um, that's... that's a rocket

that is taking off into the sky.

Did your mum say if she found anything else in that croc?

Yeah!

Well, what was it?

Hey, kid!

What was inside the crocodile?

[reads German]

[Eddie] Collins!

-Collins! -Oh, good, you can help me.

Cath's left the instructions for how to disconnect the sewer hose,

but they're in German and I-

Ow!

Where did you get that?

This? It's my steed. It's a rental. Cost me a bomb.

OK, well, um, I spoke to the superintendent.

Forensics called this morning

and they confirmed that the arm belongs to a male.

I still think the tattoo is of legs,

maybe bird's legs, because they bend backwards.

Blunt is off on a new lead.

Apparently Astrid and Ebba interacted with a man at the Dirks River service station

and they're trying to locate him now.

So we have been given the green light to investigate.

Good, 'cause I reckon the murderer fed the John Doe to their pet croc.

So we just need to disconnect this thing

and, if it doesn't spray effluent everywhere, we can go.

Sorry, did you say a "pet croc"?

-Yeah. -[man] Morning!

-[both] Morning! -Bit hot up here.

-Is it? -Yeah, steamier than a Bangkok laundromat.

[all laugh]

[Eddie] Yeah, good on ya.

[man laughs]

Yeah, the croc from yesterday had no more body parts in it.

Its guts were just filled with chickens. 100% chickens!

The point is, with a diet like that, the dead croc is probably someone's pet.

What? Who would keep a crocodile as a pet?

Heaps of people up here do!

I know two in Barra Creek.

To what end? What do you do with a pet crocodile?

-You teach it to heel. -[woman] Morning!

-[both] Morning! -Gosh, it's hot.

-That's correct. Yeah. -Oh, yeah, I could steam a dumpling in my cooch.

I reckon that the killer has fed the arm of the John Doe to their pet croc,

but then the croc has choked on it and carked it.

And so the killer's just dumped him in the river.

So, I'm going to check on the two pet crocs, see if one is missing.

If I can identify the croc from the river, then we find our killer.

[imitates motorbike engine revving]

What? No, that is not our priority, Eddie!

Forget about the croc. We need to ID our victim and...

And what about the sewer pump? Eddie, that is a two-person job!

-Morning. -Yes, it's hot.

Sorry, Lynn. Sorry.

I saved that Coat of Arms for you.

-Sorry, my what? -Your house special from last night.

-The one you didn't eat. -Oh.

We named it the Coat of Arms 'cause of the roo and the emu sausages.

[door bangs]

Oh.

Sorry. I haven't...

Hey, sorry, someone's still in here and that's accidentally locked!

[rattling door] Hello?

OK.

Oh, my God.

[mouths]

[softly] Hey.

[man] Alright! How youse all going?

Welcome to the 11am crocodile feeding experience.

As youse know from me socials, I am DJ Darrell, #CrocGod.

And our pet King who's in that pool behind me

was caught by my dad Don.

He's the largest croc ever recorded in Australia,

so suck shit Land of Crocs, size does matter!

[laughs]

[chuckles] Yeah.

Alright, let's give him some food.

Yeah! Clap your hands, that's it.

Bring out the beast!

Hey, hey! Alright. There we go!

Go on, clap louder.

King only comes when you clap.

-Oh, here he is, King of the river. -[audience member] Oh, there it is!

Fuck.

-[DJ] So who here wants to chuck a chook? -[man] I do!

Bum. Where are your names?

[sighs]

-[door opens] -Alright, you done yet?

Sorry, you knew that I was in here?

I'm shutting up. Gotta get to the doc's. I've got piss in my blood.

-Alright. -Wait, just one second.

Sorry, do you know any of these men?

Yeah, of course I bloody know them. Out.

Um, could you tell me their names or where I might find them?

Christ.

There's Barry, he's in a nursing home.

That Don bastard's still around.

Trevor Stutchberry died a couple of years ago.

Frank McCallister's in jail.

And that one is dead, probably.

-Probably? -Well, he went missing, didn't he?

Do you remember his name?

I don't bloody know. He was in the papers, wasn't he?

-Was he? Why? -Because he went bloody missing.

Right, I've had enough of your questions! Out.

Um...

-Out. -No, I don't have my shoes, please.

Thank you.

[Dulcie] He went missing.

-Lloyd. -Sorry?

The bloke in the photo.

Lloyd Reynolds was his name.

Christ, keep up, girl.

[Eddie, over phone] Collins?

Eddie, I think I know who the arm belongs to...

What?

[Dulcie] It's Lloyd Reynolds.

The jet-ski guy from the petrol station. I'm headed there now to try to ID him.

Fuck off, you hovercunt!

-And then I'll come and get you! -Yeah, cool. I'm not listening.

Hey, the Darrells' pet croc King is still alive,

so I've got one more place to check out.

-[beeping] -Collins? Collins?

-Fuck off! -[drone whirs loudly]

[indistinct]

[Allira] Yeah, it's a promotion. I have to mention the promotion

and two packs of Fruity Juice for $2 is a good deal.

-So are you sure you don't want it? -So sure. I'm really sure.

Well, I can't give you the sign-up sheet because the competition is closed.

Yeah, I don't want to enter the competition.

I just want to confirm the identity of one of the entrants.

I think he might be a missing person.

[sighs and groans]

Oh, my God.

Ah!

Thank you, Allira. Thank you.

[Allira] Are you sure you don't want two packs of Fruity Juice for $2?

I'm so sure. This man here, Lloyd Reynolds,

is there any chance that you remember him?

Yeah, I remember him 'cause the bank told me to cut up his credit card.

Right, and this is his phone number here, is it?

Yeah, 48 times in a row.

OK, OK, and that was Lloyd on the end there, yes?

No.

[Mary, on recording] You've reached the Barra Creek Pub,

home of the famous Steak Cake. For bookings, press 1...

Is this about the Swedish backpackers, Elsa and Aspirin or whatever?

'Cause I already told those detectives this morning

about them and that Lloyd bloke.

Wait, Lloyd Reynolds is the man the backpackers were seen with?

Yes.

They paid for their noodles

and his mobility scooter

and two packs of Fruity Juice for $2.

-Are you sure you don't want that? -I don't want it. I don't want it.

-[sighs] -OK.

Think they felt sorry for him 'cause he was old

and I cut up his credit card.

Right, and did they leave with him?

No, they went in different directions.

He went to Barra Creek and they went off to Crossley's Crossing.

Right, thank you so much.

Hang on a sec. That's Lloyd there.

[Dulcie] No, but that's...

[man] Frank McCallister.

Priors include crop poaching, drink-driving,

identity fraud and petty theft.

That him there?

Yes. Yep.

He's in prison.

How is Frank McCallister committing identity fraud at a servo in Dirks River

if he's in prison?

Could he have been released early?

[sighs]

He was released four days ago.

Right. OK, great. Can I grab an address, please? Thank you.

You see the chat?

-Fucking funny. I'll get done for that. -[laughs] Yeah.

-See you later. -[door closes]

The address.

[brakes squeal]

[eerie music plays]

[exhales]

[Sat Nav] Continue straight along Dickie's Knob Road

for one and a half kilometres

and your destination will be on the right.

[beeping]

[beeping speed increases]

[turns off engine]

[tense music plays]

Lovely.

[exhales]

[woman] Thank you. That song was called Red Flag. It was about my ex.

And this next one's called Dead Love. It's about my ex.

[man] No!

[Amber] Who the fuck graffitied our billboard?

-Where's Spud? Where is he? -[musician strums guitar]

Amber, we don't want any trouble.

The pool table's still spongy from the water damage

last time you guys went at it.

Oi! Spud!

-Did you do that? -Oi, fuckstick!

Is that your cock and balls on my dad's face?

-Nup. -[stops playing]

Don't know nothing about no cock and balls.

Always said your old man was a massive cocksucker, though.

My dad is not gay!

-No-one in our family is gay! -[DJ] Respect my dad!

He's the king of the river!

[eerie music plays]

Hello?

Mr McCallister?

Is anybody there?

Hello?

-[banging] -Oh!

[exhales]

Hello?

[banging]

Oh, Christ, Eddie! Oh, God.

My heart is bloody Michael Flatley right now!

What are you doing here?

[sniffles] He's dead.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think he is, too.

I loved that cheeky fucker.

Oh, no. God, Eddie, I didn't...

Oh. I didn't realise you knew him.

We grew up together.

He was a bloody good listener.

We used to have baths together.

He had the most beautiful...

...piss-yellow eyes.

I mean, I fed him a chook every morning.

[sniffles]

Sorry, who are you talking about?

Triple Pet!

The best croc in the Territory. He's not in his cage.

He must have been who was dead in the river.

-Right. -What...

Who were you talking about?

Oh, the man who lived here, Frank McCallister.

I think his arm was in the Triple Pet.

No. No, that's not possible.

Well, he was released from prison a few days ago.

I think someone might have killed him when he arrived back here.

Eddie, you OK?

[gunshot]

-Christ, what... -Fuck! Get down, get down!

[man] Get off my fucking property, you fucking thief!

Fuck my ring, don't shoot!

[man] No! I bloody will!

-Oh, fuck up, mate! -Eddie, stay down!

No, no, he's not going to shoot us.

He's my fucking dad!

Your dad is Frank McCallister?

Yeah, well, that's one of his fucking names.

And he's not dead.

Yeah, he's fucking dead to me!

You're fucking dead to me, Edwina!

[men grunt]

Break it up, fellas. DJ!

Leave him. Leave him!

[Amber] Get that dick and balls off my dad's face!

[man] Get back, you croc fucker!

[Amber] Come through, DJ! He's going on the ship jetty!

[Pat] I need back-up at the jetty. The Darrells are kicking off again.

No, hose, Lynn! It's not helpful!

-Just tell me, and don't piss up my back. .. -[Dulcie] Enough, Eddie!

...did you feed one of your mates to Triple Pet

and dump him in the river?

-No! I didn't dump Triple Pet in the river. -Stop. OK.

-Somebody stole him, didn't they? -Oh, that's fuckin' convenient, isn't it?

-Stop! OK! -You shut your hole! -You shut your hole!

That croc's the son I never had!

That was my brother! My fucking croc brother!

Shush both of your holes!

Frank, if you're not dead...

...then whose arm was in the crocodile?

Who else has your tattoo?

[man shouts] Frank! I've been listening to my scanner!

Mate, the fucking pigs are here!

-Yeah, I can see that, can't I? -[siren wails]

No, not Eddie!

Them!

What the fuck?

-What the fuck's going on, Collins? -I have no idea.

[officer, on megaphone] Frank McCallister, you are wanted in relation to the abduction

of Ebba Ehrling and Astrid Ahlberg.

We know you took them from the Dirks River petrol station, Frank.

-What the fuck? -[Dulcie] No!

Detective, the cases aren't connected.

The backpackers paid for his shopping and they went in separate directions.

I knew you came back to stitch me up again!

-I didn't fucking stitch you up! -[on megaphone] Frank!

Put your weapon down and put your hands up where we can see them, now!

-Frank! -[man] Come on, Frank! Run!

-Fuck off! -No, no, don't! Don't!

-[Eddie] Don't you go down to that jetty! -[men shout indistinctly]

All teams with me! Go around this way. We'll cut him off.

Eddie!

Frank, you need to answer my questions! What happened to Triple Pet?

Stop! Access denied, Eddie!

-No, I'm getting on! -[all shout indistinctly]

You can't come on! Piggies sink the boat!

Just get off! Get off, now! Off!

-Get on board, for fuck's sake. -Get on! Get on.

[officer, on megaphone] McCallister, we have you surrounded.

Now's your chance to surrender.

[Eddie] Come on, Collins!

[Dulcie] OK, fine, but I will vomit.

Oh, God, there was a splash in the water. Eddie, there's a big splash!

It's probably a fucking bull shark. Let me see.

There's bull sharks too?!

[Frank] Fuckin' fang it, Rog! Jesus Christ!

[Amber] He's getting away in his boat!

Get off the jetty!

[DJ] Everyone, get on a boat!

Nobody get on a boat!

I told you my dad told you to fuck off!

-Yeah, well, your dad can suck my dick. -[shouting continues]

[Dulcie] Eddie!

Can everyone just shush it?

There's something definitely in the water here!

[Amber] The fuck is that?

Shut the fuck up!

Troy! Pole!

Fucking flip it!

Flip it!

-Dad! -Dad!

[screaming]

[Amber, DJ and Troy scream and sob]

[theme music plays]

[music ends]

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