Original subtitles

Under the Trump administration, we want

Under the Trump administration, we want

Under the Trump administration, we want to make it possible for every American

to make it possible for every American

to make it possible for every American to live that American dream in a

to live that American dream in a

to live that American dream in a beautiful home. And it's really the one

beautiful home. And it's really the one

beautiful home. And it's really the one that they pick. It's going to be the

that they pick. It's going to be the

that they pick. It's going to be the apple of their eye. So, I just want to

apple of their eye. So, I just want to

apple of their eye. So, I just want to thank everybody. Our country is doing

thank everybody. Our country is doing

thank everybody. Our country is doing really well. It's being thought of all

really well. It's being thought of all

really well. It's being thought of all over the world with great respect again,

over the world with great respect again,

over the world with great respect again, more than maybe it's ever had. Thank you

more than maybe it's ever had. Thank you

more than maybe it's ever had. Thank you very much. Have a good time. From

very much. Have a good time. From

very much. Have a good time. From Hollywood, it's Jimmy Kimmel Live.

Hollywood, it's Jimmy Kimmel Live.

Hollywood, it's Jimmy Kimmel Live. Tonight, Chelsea Handler and Chris

Tonight, Chelsea Handler and Chris

Tonight, Chelsea Handler and Chris Robinson with the Cletoones.

Robinson with the Cletoones.

Robinson with the Cletoones. And now, Jimmy Kimmel.

Jimmy, I'm hosting the show. Thank you.

Jimmy, I'm hosting the show. Thank you.

Jimmy, I'm hosting the show. Thank you. Thank you for watching. Thanks for

Thank you for watching. Thanks for

Thank you for watching. Thanks for breathing the heat to be here. Oh my

breathing the heat to be here. Oh my

breathing the heat to be here. Oh my god, it was hot. It was uh it was like

god, it was hot. It was uh it was like

god, it was hot. It was uh it was like 500° here today. It's winter. It's March

500° here today. It's winter. It's March

500° here today. It's winter. It's March still and it feels like we're in a

still and it feels like we're in a

still and it feels like we're in a Beerram yoga studio. It was probably It

Beerram yoga studio. It was probably It

Beerram yoga studio. It was probably It was the hottest St. Patrick say ever

was the hottest St. Patrick say ever

was the hottest St. Patrick say ever today in LA. The alltime recorded high

today in LA. The alltime recorded high

today in LA. The alltime recorded high was 94 degrees back in 1914. Today it

was 94 degrees back in 1914. Today it

was 94 degrees back in 1914. Today it was 97. Remember when it used to get

was 97. Remember when it used to get

was 97. Remember when it used to get chilly here in March, GMO?

chilly here in March, GMO?

chilly here in March, GMO? >> I miss those days.

>> I miss those days.

>> I miss those days. >> How hot is it going to be in the summer?

>> How hot is it going to be in the summer?

>> How hot is it going to be in the summer? >> Like 105, 104. Terrible.

>> Like 105, 104. Terrible.

>> Like 105, 104. Terrible. >> Thank you for the specifics.

>> Thank you for the specifics.

>> Thank you for the specifics. >> You're welcome.

>> You're welcome.

>> You're welcome. >> Drink up everybody. We're in a lot of

>> Drink up everybody. We're in a lot of

>> Drink up everybody. We're in a lot of trouble.

trouble.

trouble. >> How many of you have been drinking

>> How many of you have been drinking

>> How many of you have been drinking today? Uh just a quick show of hands.

today? Uh just a quick show of hands.

today? Uh just a quick show of hands. Okay.

Okay.

Okay. And how many are just Blney Stone

And how many are just Blney Stone

And how many are just Blney Stone tonight as Yeah. All right. You know, my

tonight as Yeah. All right. You know, my

tonight as Yeah. All right. You know, my kids this morning had to wear green like

kids this morning had to wear green like

kids this morning had to wear green like you do when you go to school. But we got

you do when you go to school. But we got

you do when you go to school. But we got this email a few days ago from the

this email a few days ago from the

this email a few days ago from the school that said, "We know many kids get

school that said, "We know many kids get

school that said, "We know many kids get excited about the tradition of wearing

excited about the tradition of wearing

excited about the tradition of wearing green. Some may have heard that if you

green. Some may have heard that if you

green. Some may have heard that if you don't wear green, you might get pinched.

don't wear green, you might get pinched.

don't wear green, you might get pinched. While we love celebrating holidays and

While we love celebrating holidays and

While we love celebrating holidays and learning about traditions, we also want

learning about traditions, we also want

learning about traditions, we also want to make sure that everyone feels

to make sure that everyone feels

to make sure that everyone feels comfortable and respected in school.

comfortable and respected in school.

comfortable and respected in school. Please take a moment to remind your

Please take a moment to remind your

Please take a moment to remind your child that pinching is not allowed, even

child that pinching is not allowed, even

child that pinching is not allowed, even if it's meant to be in good fun. Thank

if it's meant to be in good fun. Thank

if it's meant to be in good fun. Thank you for your help in making St.

you for your help in making St.

you for your help in making St. Patrick's Day a fun and respectful

Patrick's Day a fun and respectful

Patrick's Day a fun and respectful celebration for everyone. Hey, listen.

celebration for everyone. Hey, listen.

celebration for everyone. Hey, listen. You know what? A celebration can be fun

You know what? A celebration can be fun

You know what? A celebration can be fun or it can be respectful. They cannot be

or it can be respectful. They cannot be

or it can be respectful. They cannot be both. But then I had to sit the kids

both. But then I had to sit the kids

both. But then I had to sit the kids down and I had to explain that fun is

down and I had to explain that fun is

down and I had to explain that fun is dead now. There's no more fun. These

dead now. There's no more fun. These

dead now. There's no more fun. These children, they've already been robbed of

children, they've already been robbed of

children, they've already been robbed of noogies and uh wedgies, and now they're

noogies and uh wedgies, and now they're

noogies and uh wedgies, and now they're not even allowed to purple and nerple on

not even allowed to purple and nerple on

not even allowed to purple and nerple on St. Patrick's Day anymore. The St.

St. Patrick's Day anymore. The St.

St. Patrick's Day anymore. The St. Patrick's epicenter of the United

Patrick's epicenter of the United

Patrick's epicenter of the United States, if not the world, is Boston,

States, if not the world, is Boston,

States, if not the world, is Boston, Massachusetts. They had their big parade

Massachusetts. They had their big parade

Massachusetts. They had their big parade on Sunday where um the adults got a

on Sunday where um the adults got a

on Sunday where um the adults got a warning for that one, too.

warning for that one, too.

warning for that one, too. >> The South Boston St. Patrick's Day

>> The South Boston St. Patrick's Day

>> The South Boston St. Patrick's Day parade are hoping to see far fewer Borgs

parade are hoping to see far fewer Borgs

parade are hoping to see far fewer Borgs on Sunday.

on Sunday.

on Sunday. >> Well, what is a Borg? Well, Borg stands

>> Well, what is a Borg? Well, Borg stands

>> Well, what is a Borg? Well, Borg stands for Blackout Rage Gallon. They're drinks

for Blackout Rage Gallon. They're drinks

for Blackout Rage Gallon. They're drinks made in gallon jugs, usually containing

made in gallon jugs, usually containing

made in gallon jugs, usually containing vodka, electrolytes, water, and then

vodka, electrolytes, water, and then

vodka, electrolytes, water, and then added flavoring like Kool-Aid.

added flavoring like Kool-Aid.

added flavoring like Kool-Aid. >> So, basically, it's an energy drink.

>> So, basically, it's an energy drink.

>> So, basically, it's an energy drink. It's a I like that they add electrolytes

It's a I like that they add electrolytes

It's a I like that they add electrolytes to the blackout rage gallon.

to the blackout rage gallon.

to the blackout rage gallon. HEY, WATCH YOUR MOUTH, KIMMEL. KIMMEL,

HEY, WATCH YOUR MOUTH, KIMMEL. KIMMEL,

HEY, WATCH YOUR MOUTH, KIMMEL. KIMMEL, WATCH YOUR MOUTH. THIS IS MY CULTURE.

WATCH YOUR MOUTH. THIS IS MY CULTURE.

WATCH YOUR MOUTH. THIS IS MY CULTURE. OKAY, YOU FREAKING DONG WEASEL.

OKAY, YOU FREAKING DONG WEASEL.

OKAY, YOU FREAKING DONG WEASEL. >> I'm sorry. Do I Do I know you?

>> I'm sorry. Do I Do I know you?

>> I'm sorry. Do I Do I know you? >> Hi, Sean Patrick Oly brought to

>> Hi, Sean Patrick Oly brought to

>> Hi, Sean Patrick Oly brought to Massachusetts. What's up, kid? What's

Massachusetts. What's up, kid? What's

Massachusetts. What's up, kid? What's up? Oh, SEAN.

up? Oh, SEAN.

up? Oh, SEAN. >> You know what?

>> You know what?

>> You know what? >> I don't know. Just to be just to be

>> I don't know. Just to be just to be

>> I don't know. Just to be just to be clear, um, drinking from a jug until you

clear, um, drinking from a jug until you

clear, um, drinking from a jug until you black out is your culture.

black out is your culture.

black out is your culture. >> Uh, yeah, it is.

>> Uh, yeah, it is.

>> Uh, yeah, it is. >> Okay. I I'll have you know my

>> Okay. I I'll have you know my

>> Okay. I I'll have you know my greatgrandfather

greatgrandfather

greatgrandfather Sean Patrick Olri III WOULD REGULARLY

Sean Patrick Olri III WOULD REGULARLY

Sean Patrick Olri III WOULD REGULARLY GET RIPPED TO THE TITS off of pictures

GET RIPPED TO THE TITS off of pictures

GET RIPPED TO THE TITS off of pictures of hat loga and peppermint schnops. THE

of hat loga and peppermint schnops. THE

of hat loga and peppermint schnops. THE GOOD STUFF. AND ALSO MY very sweet

GOOD STUFF. AND ALSO MY very sweet

GOOD STUFF. AND ALSO MY very sweet grandmother Shaur Patricki.

grandmother Shaur Patricki.

grandmother Shaur Patricki. SHE USED TO SLAM BORGS LIKE THIS WHILE

SHE USED TO SLAM BORGS LIKE THIS WHILE

SHE USED TO SLAM BORGS LIKE THIS WHILE SHE WAS BOUNCING ME ON HER PALE IRISH

SHE WAS BOUNCING ME ON HER PALE IRISH

SHE WAS BOUNCING ME ON HER PALE IRISH KNEE.

KNEE.

KNEE. >> AND AND YOUR and your parents allowed

>> AND AND YOUR and your parents allowed

>> AND AND YOUR and your parents allowed this? Your

this? Your

this? Your >> My parents are in jail, dude.

>> My parents are in jail, dude.

>> My parents are in jail, dude. >> Okay. All right.

>> Okay. All right.

>> Okay. All right. >> The slammer. Perhaps you've heard of it.

>> The slammer. Perhaps you've heard of it.

>> The slammer. Perhaps you've heard of it. >> Walpole.

>> Walpole.

>> Walpole. >> Okay. Well, I'm sorry that your parents

>> Okay. Well, I'm sorry that your parents

>> Okay. Well, I'm sorry that your parents are in jail.

are in jail.

are in jail. >> Hey, listen. I still turn out pretty

>> Hey, listen. I still turn out pretty

>> Hey, listen. I still turn out pretty good, wouldn't you say? I mean, can you

good, wouldn't you say? I mean, can you

good, wouldn't you say? I mean, can you believe?

believe?

believe? >> Yeah. Thank you.

>> Yeah. Thank you.

>> Yeah. Thank you. >> Thank you.

>> Thank you.

>> Thank you. >> This is This is peak mail performance.

>> This is This is peak mail performance.

>> This is This is peak mail performance. Can you believe I'm already 26 years

Can you believe I'm already 26 years

Can you believe I'm already 26 years old?

old?

old? >> You look great. You really do.

>> You look great. You really do.

>> You look great. You really do. >> It's clean lemon. Haven't you HEARD THIS

>> It's clean lemon. Haven't you HEARD THIS

>> It's clean lemon. Haven't you HEARD THIS GOT ELECTROLYTES?

GOT ELECTROLYTES?

GOT ELECTROLYTES? >> YEAH, I DID HEAR THAT in the news. Let

>> YEAH, I DID HEAR THAT in the news. Let

>> YEAH, I DID HEAR THAT in the news. Let me get back to the thing.

me get back to the thing.

me get back to the thing. >> Hey, you mind if I smoke in here?

>> Hey, you mind if I smoke in here?

>> Hey, you mind if I smoke in here? >> You No, you cannot smoke in here.

>> You No, you cannot smoke in here.

>> You No, you cannot smoke in here. >> Oh, come on. What a ripoff. I'M WICKED

>> Oh, come on. What a ripoff. I'M WICKED

>> Oh, come on. What a ripoff. I'M WICKED GOOD AT CHIEF CHIEF.

GOOD AT CHIEF CHIEF.

GOOD AT CHIEF CHIEF. >> OKAY, thank you so much, Sean. Please

>> OKAY, thank you so much, Sean. Please

>> OKAY, thank you so much, Sean. Please remain silent in your chair. Okay. Thank

remain silent in your chair. Okay. Thank

remain silent in your chair. Okay. Thank you, GMO. Nothing.

Uh, where were Oh, yes. At the White

Uh, where were Oh, yes. At the White

Uh, where were Oh, yes. At the White House today, the prime minister of

House today, the prime minister of

House today, the prime minister of Ireland visited Donald Trump. The Irish

Ireland visited Donald Trump. The Irish

Ireland visited Donald Trump. The Irish prime minister has a standing

prime minister has a standing

prime minister has a standing appointment to get together with the

appointment to get together with the

appointment to get together with the president of the United States once a

president of the United States once a

president of the United States once a year, just like Melania. Prime Minister

year, just like Melania. Prime Minister

year, just like Melania. Prime Minister Martin brought a bowl of shamrocks to

Martin brought a bowl of shamrocks to

Martin brought a bowl of shamrocks to the president, which is the customary

the president, which is the customary

the president, which is the customary gift and also the closest Trump's gotten

gift and also the closest Trump's gotten

gift and also the closest Trump's gotten to a salad that isn't in a taco shell in

to a salad that isn't in a taco shell in

to a salad that isn't in a taco shell in quite some time. You know, Ireland has

quite some time. You know, Ireland has

quite some time. You know, Ireland has both a prime minister and a president.

both a prime minister and a president.

both a prime minister and a president. Their president has been critical of

Their president has been critical of

Their president has been critical of Trump's war on Iran and the prime

Trump's war on Iran and the prime

Trump's war on Iran and the prime minister today had to sit by quietly

minister today had to sit by quietly

minister today had to sit by quietly while Trump was asked about that.

while Trump was asked about that.

while Trump was asked about that. >> Irish president has said that your war

>> Irish president has said that your war

>> Irish president has said that your war against Iran is illegal. It's an attack

against Iran is illegal. It's an attack

against Iran is illegal. It's an attack on international law.

on international law.

on international law. >> Who said that?

>> Who said that?

>> Who said that? >> The Irish president.

>> The Irish president.

>> The Irish president. >> Look, uh, he's lucky I exist.

>> Look, uh, he's lucky I exist.

>> Look, uh, he's lucky I exist. >> Well, then you should probably know that

>> Well, then you should probably know that

>> Well, then you should probably know that he is a she. The president of Ireland is

he is a she. The president of Ireland is

he is a she. The president of Ireland is a woman named Katherine Connelly. You

a woman named Katherine Connelly. You

a woman named Katherine Connelly. You know, yesterday he made the same mistake

know, yesterday he made the same mistake

know, yesterday he made the same mistake about the president of Venezuela, who's

about the president of Venezuela, who's

about the president of Venezuela, who's also a woman. The guy who's constantly

also a woman. The guy who's constantly

also a woman. The guy who's constantly screaming about transgender can't tell a

screaming about transgender can't tell a

screaming about transgender can't tell a he from a she anymore. And one of

he from a she anymore. And one of

he from a she anymore. And one of Trump's top intelligence officials

Trump's top intelligence officials

Trump's top intelligence officials caused him some tumult by resigning

caused him some tumult by resigning

caused him some tumult by resigning today in opposition to the war. Joe

today in opposition to the war. Joe

today in opposition to the war. Joe Kent, Trump's director of the National

Kent, Trump's director of the National

Kent, Trump's director of the National Counterterrorism Center, wrote, "I

Counterterrorism Center, wrote, "I

Counterterrorism Center, wrote, "I cannot in good conscience support the

cannot in good conscience support the

cannot in good conscience support the ongoing war in Iran. Iran posed no

ongoing war in Iran. Iran posed no

ongoing war in Iran. Iran posed no imminent threat to our nation. And this

imminent threat to our nation. And this

imminent threat to our nation. And this is not some radical deep state operative

is not some radical deep state operative

is not some radical deep state operative left over from the Biden administration.

left over from the Biden administration.

left over from the Biden administration. Kent was a big MAGA guy that Trump

Kent was a big MAGA guy that Trump

Kent was a big MAGA guy that Trump appointed. You get the sense that every

appointed. You get the sense that every

appointed. You get the sense that every one of these Republicans has their ass

one of these Republicans has their ass

one of these Republicans has their ass cheeks clench clenched tightly right now

cheeks clench clenched tightly right now

cheeks clench clenched tightly right now hoping he puts an end to this war as

hoping he puts an end to this war as

hoping he puts an end to this war as soon as possible. Trump said he will end

soon as possible. Trump said he will end

soon as possible. Trump said he will end it when he feels it in his bones. And

it when he feels it in his bones. And

it when he feels it in his bones. And then today, squeaker of the House Mike

then today, squeaker of the House Mike

then today, squeaker of the House Mike Johnson was asked to clarify that

Johnson was asked to clarify that

Johnson was asked to clarify that remark. He said, "Well, I think his

remark. He said, "Well, I think his

remark. He said, "Well, I think his bones are informed by the intelligence,"

bones are informed by the intelligence,"

bones are informed by the intelligence," which seems unlikely to me, seeing as

which seems unlikely to me, seeing as

which seems unlikely to me, seeing as how he doesn't even read the

how he doesn't even read the

how he doesn't even read the intelligence briefings they give him

intelligence briefings they give him

intelligence briefings they give him every day. His bones aren't informed by

every day. His bones aren't informed by

every day. His bones aren't informed by intelligence. His bones are informed by

intelligence. His bones are informed by

intelligence. His bones are informed by fried chicken and Bonva. Okay. Trump is

fried chicken and Bonva. Okay. Trump is

fried chicken and Bonva. Okay. Trump is so unhappy now

so unhappy now

so unhappy now with the news coverage of his little

with the news coverage of his little

with the news coverage of his little excursion into Iran. He had his lap dog

excursion into Iran. He had his lap dog

excursion into Iran. He had his lap dog at the FCC threatened to pull the

at the FCC threatened to pull the

at the FCC threatened to pull the broadcast license from the major

broadcast license from the major

broadcast license from the major networks. But what the president may

networks. But what the president may

networks. But what the president may lack in positive press from the

lack in positive press from the

lack in positive press from the networks, there are many patriots out

networks, there are many patriots out

networks, there are many patriots out there on deep cable, including Greg

there on deep cable, including Greg

there on deep cable, including Greg Kelly of Newsmax, who announced that the

Kelly of Newsmax, who announced that the

Kelly of Newsmax, who announced that the war has been won. And um something else

war has been won. And um something else

war has been won. And um something else I'm not exactly sure. You know, I think

I'm not exactly sure. You know, I think

I'm not exactly sure. You know, I think we kind of just won the war. There's a

we kind of just won the war. There's a

we kind of just won the war. There's a real possibility of

real possibility of

real possibility of Did you see it? They gave us pretty much

Did you see it? They gave us pretty much

Did you see it? They gave us pretty much everything we want. Yes, they're still

everything we want. Yes, they're still

everything we want. Yes, they're still lobbing things here and there, but no, I

lobbing things here and there, but no, I

lobbing things here and there, but no, I think we got this. Okay. Dead, alive,

think we got this. Okay. Dead, alive,

think we got this. Okay. Dead, alive, gay, we don't know. But we are winning

gay, we don't know. But we are winning

gay, we don't know. But we are winning and it could happen very, very soon.

and it could happen very, very soon.

and it could happen very, very soon. Total and complete victory.

I I have to honestly I have to say

I I have to honestly I have to say

I I have to honestly I have to say I think Dead Alive gay could be the new

I think Dead Alive gay could be the new

I think Dead Alive gay could be the new F Mary kill. That's probably that's a

F Mary kill. That's probably that's a

F Mary kill. That's probably that's a game, right?

game, right?

game, right? >> Hey Kimmel. KIMMEL, WHERE'S THE WAITER?

>> Hey Kimmel. KIMMEL, WHERE'S THE WAITER?

>> Hey Kimmel. KIMMEL, WHERE'S THE WAITER? >> WHAT?

>> WHAT?

>> WHAT? >> What are you hearing impaired?

>> What are you hearing impaired?

>> What are you hearing impaired? >> No, I'm not hearing impaired.

>> No, I'm not hearing impaired.

>> No, I'm not hearing impaired. >> I SAID, WHERE IS THE WAITER?

>> I SAID, WHERE IS THE WAITER?

>> I SAID, WHERE IS THE WAITER? >> WE DON'T HAVE A WAITER.

>> WE DON'T HAVE A WAITER.

>> WE DON'T HAVE A WAITER. >> I AM SO THIRSTY. I NEED LIKE SIX BEERS

>> I AM SO THIRSTY. I NEED LIKE SIX BEERS

>> I AM SO THIRSTY. I NEED LIKE SIX BEERS ASAP. I AM WICKED PATCH. AREN'T YOU

ASAP. I AM WICKED PATCH. AREN'T YOU

ASAP. I AM WICKED PATCH. AREN'T YOU HOLDING LIKE HALF A GALLON of vodka and

HOLDING LIKE HALF A GALLON of vodka and

HOLDING LIKE HALF A GALLON of vodka and whatever else in there?

whatever else in there?

whatever else in there? >> Oh, yeah.

>> Oh, yeah.

>> Oh, yeah. >> Yeah.

>> Yeah.

>> Yeah. >> I forgot.

>> I forgot.

>> I forgot. >> HAPPY ST. Patrick's Day. Okay. Thank

>> HAPPY ST. Patrick's Day. Okay. Thank

>> HAPPY ST. Patrick's Day. Okay. Thank you.

you.

you. >> Hey, you you want a swig?

>> Hey, you you want a swig?

>> Hey, you you want a swig? >> What?

>> What?

>> What? >> I said DO YOU WANT A SWIGGY POO? I'm

>> I said DO YOU WANT A SWIGGY POO? I'm

>> I said DO YOU WANT A SWIGGY POO? I'm sure

sure

sure >> I'm hosting the show

>> I'm hosting the show

>> I'm hosting the show >> community.

>> community.

>> community. >> I know. I don't want one. I'm hosting

>> I know. I don't want one. I'm hosting

>> I know. I don't want one. I'm hosting the SHOW. THANK YOU.

the SHOW. THANK YOU.

the SHOW. THANK YOU. >> OH, ARE YOU SO SORRY? I APOLOGIZE.

>> OH, ARE YOU SO SORRY? I APOLOGIZE.

>> OH, ARE YOU SO SORRY? I APOLOGIZE. HE'S HOSTING.

HE'S HOSTING.

HE'S HOSTING. >> HEY, REMEMBER WHEN YOU USED TO BE COOL?

>> HEY, REMEMBER WHEN YOU USED TO BE COOL?

>> HEY, REMEMBER WHEN YOU USED TO BE COOL? WHERE THE IS ADAM COROLLER?

WHERE THE IS ADAM COROLLER?

WHERE THE IS ADAM COROLLER? >> HEY EVERYONE, ZIKY ZAKI. ZIKY,

>> HEY EVERYONE, ZIKY ZAKI. ZIKY,

>> HEY EVERYONE, ZIKY ZAKI. ZIKY, PLEASE. ZAKY. ZAKY.

PLEASE. ZAKY. ZAKY.

PLEASE. ZAKY. ZAKY. >> GMO. Will you do something about this

>> GMO. Will you do something about this

>> GMO. Will you do something about this already?

already?

already? >> It's Patrick Jimmy. Let me have some

>> It's Patrick Jimmy. Let me have some

>> It's Patrick Jimmy. Let me have some fun.

fun.

fun. >> All right.

>> All right.

>> All right. >> You know, things aren't going too good

>> You know, things aren't going too good

>> You know, things aren't going too good for King Hungary VI right now because he

for King Hungary VI right now because he

for King Hungary VI right now because he is um he's doomed in the midterms. He

is um he's doomed in the midterms. He

is um he's doomed in the midterms. He knows that. And so now he's pushing what

knows that. And so now he's pushing what

knows that. And so now he's pushing what he calls the Save America Act on

he calls the Save America Act on

he calls the Save America Act on Republicans in Congress. He said the

Republicans in Congress. He said the

Republicans in Congress. He said the Save America Act is one of the most

Save America Act is one of the most

Save America Act is one of the most important and consequential pieces of

important and consequential pieces of

important and consequential pieces of legislation in the history of Congress

legislation in the history of Congress

legislation in the history of Congress and America itself. No more rigged

and America itself. No more rigged

and America itself. No more rigged elections. No rigged mail-in voting. We

elections. No rigged mail-in voting. We

elections. No rigged mail-in voting. We are the only country in the world that

are the only country in the world that

are the only country in the world that allows this, which no, we aren't. Dozens

allows this, which no, we aren't. Dozens

allows this, which no, we aren't. Dozens of other countries allow voting. Canada,

of other countries allow voting. Canada,

of other countries allow voting. Canada, Spain, Germany, Switzerland, you but go

Spain, Germany, Switzerland, you but go

Spain, Germany, Switzerland, you but go on. No men in women's sports, no

on. No men in women's sports, no

on. No men in women's sports, no transgender mutilization, which is not a

transgender mutilization, which is not a

transgender mutilization, which is not a word by the way. And what do men in

word by the way. And what do men in

word by the way. And what do men in women's sports have to do with voting by

women's sports have to do with voting by

women's sports have to do with voting by mail? I don't Maybe he's confusing m

mail? I don't Maybe he's confusing m

mail? I don't Maybe he's confusing m with me. I don't know. But then comes

with me. I don't know. But then comes

with me. I don't know. But then comes the threat. He says only sick, demented,

the threat. He says only sick, demented,

the threat. He says only sick, demented, or deranged people in the House or

or deranged people in the House or

or deranged people in the House or Senate could vote against the Save

Senate could vote against the Save

Senate could vote against the Save America Act. If they do, each one of

America Act. If they do, each one of

America Act. If they do, each one of these points separately will be used

these points separately will be used

these points separately will be used against the user in his her political

against the user in his her political

against the user in his her political campaign for office. a guaranteed loss.

campaign for office. a guaranteed loss.

campaign for office. a guaranteed loss. I will never ever endorse anyone who

I will never ever endorse anyone who

I will never ever endorse anyone who votes against Save America. And that you

votes against Save America. And that you

votes against Save America. And that you know he means business because that's in

know he means business because that's in

know he means business because that's in all caps. He mean he capped his pants

all caps. He mean he capped his pants

all caps. He mean he capped his pants once again. And this save act let me

once again. And this save act let me

once again. And this save act let me this is nothing more than his attempt to

this is nothing more than his attempt to

this is nothing more than his attempt to hijack this upcoming election. It

hijack this upcoming election. It

hijack this upcoming election. It doesn't protect your right to vote. It

doesn't protect your right to vote. It

doesn't protect your right to vote. It does the opposite. It makes voting so

does the opposite. It makes voting so

does the opposite. It makes voting so difficult a lot of people won't bother

difficult a lot of people won't bother

difficult a lot of people won't bother to do it which is what he wants. In

to do it which is what he wants. In

to do it which is what he wants. In order to vote, you would need either a

order to vote, you would need either a

order to vote, you would need either a passport or a birth certificate to prove

passport or a birth certificate to prove

passport or a birth certificate to prove citizenship. In a lot of states, a

citizenship. In a lot of states, a

citizenship. In a lot of states, a driver's license alone won't do it. And

driver's license alone won't do it. And

driver's license alone won't do it. And on top of that, this problem he's trying

on top of that, this problem he's trying

on top of that, this problem he's trying to solve of non-citizens voting, it is

to solve of non-citizens voting, it is

to solve of non-citizens voting, it is not a problem. We all agree people who

not a problem. We all agree people who

not a problem. We all agree people who aren't here legally shouldn't be allowed

aren't here legally shouldn't be allowed

aren't here legally shouldn't be allowed to vote here. But they're not. That's

to vote here. But they're not. That's

to vote here. But they're not. That's the thing. In Michigan, for example, in

the thing. In Michigan, for example, in

the thing. In Michigan, for example, in 2024, 0.0028%

of the votes were illegal. That is 15

of the votes were illegal. That is 15

of the votes were illegal. That is 15 people in a state with almost 88 8

people in a state with almost 88 8

people in a state with almost 88 8 million registered voters. There are

million registered voters. There are

million registered voters. There are more people masturbating in the voting

more people masturbating in the voting

more people masturbating in the voting booths than voting illegally. And by the

booths than voting illegally. And by the

booths than voting illegally. And by the way,

way,

way, those 15 people that

those 15 people that

those 15 people that you know what happened to those people?

you know what happened to those people?

you know what happened to those people? They caught them. They got all of them.

They caught them. They got all of them.

They caught them. They got all of them. They got all 15. Meanwhile, half of US

They got all 15. Meanwhile, half of US

They got all 15. Meanwhile, half of US citizens don't have a passport. That's

citizens don't have a passport. That's

citizens don't have a passport. That's 170 million of us. And do you know where

170 million of us. And do you know where

170 million of us. And do you know where your birth certificate is? I mine is

your birth certificate is? I mine is

your birth certificate is? I mine is with my baby teeth. I have no idea where

with my baby teeth. I have no idea where

with my baby teeth. I have no idea where it is. There is no election fraud to

it is. There is no election fraud to

it is. There is no election fraud to stop. This is an imaginary problem

stop. This is an imaginary problem

stop. This is an imaginary problem vomited up by our sore loser president

vomited up by our sore loser president

vomited up by our sore loser president who still can't deal with the fact that

who still can't deal with the fact that

who still can't deal with the fact that he lost to Joe Biden and knows he's

he lost to Joe Biden and knows he's

he lost to Joe Biden and knows he's about to lose bigly. So, he's just

about to lose bigly. So, he's just

about to lose bigly. So, he's just making stuff up.

making stuff up.

making stuff up. >> And then they have no mailin ballots. No

>> And then they have no mailin ballots. No

>> And then they have no mailin ballots. No mailin ballots. We have no mail in You

mailin ballots. We have no mail in You

mailin ballots. We have no mail in You go to California, they send out like 38

go to California, they send out like 38

go to California, they send out like 38 million ballots.

million ballots.

million ballots. Some Democrats get seven, eight ballots.

Some Democrats get seven, eight ballots.

Some Democrats get seven, eight ballots. Republicans are a lot of times calling

Republicans are a lot of times calling

Republicans are a lot of times calling in, "Where's my ballot? Where's my

in, "Where's my ballot? Where's my

in, "Where's my ballot? Where's my ballot?" They're lucky to get one.

ballot?" They're lucky to get one.

ballot?" They're lucky to get one. >> Did you get seven or eight ballots last

>> Did you get seven or eight ballots last

>> Did you get seven or eight ballots last time?

time?

time? Is it possible he's confusing ballots

Is it possible he's confusing ballots

Is it possible he's confusing ballots with those coupons from Bed Bath and

with those coupons from Bed Bath and

with those coupons from Bed Bath and Beyond?

Beyond?

Beyond? >> Otherwise, somebody should call the FCC.

>> Otherwise, somebody should call the FCC.

>> Otherwise, somebody should call the FCC. There's fake news going out over the

There's fake news going out over the

There's fake news going out over the public airwaves. I want to file a

public airwaves. I want to file a

public airwaves. I want to file a report. I have a COMPLAINT TO MAKE EVERY

report. I have a COMPLAINT TO MAKE EVERY

report. I have a COMPLAINT TO MAKE EVERY DAY.

DAY.

DAY. IT'S A NEW BARREL OF NUTS.

IT'S A NEW BARREL OF NUTS.

IT'S A NEW BARREL OF NUTS. You see what he said about our governor

You see what he said about our governor

You see what he said about our governor Gavin Newsome yesterday? Gavin Newsome

Gavin Newsome yesterday? Gavin Newsome

Gavin Newsome yesterday? Gavin Newsome in his book, he wrote a book, he talks

in his book, he wrote a book, he talks

in his book, he wrote a book, he talks about growing up with dyslexia, which

about growing up with dyslexia, which

about growing up with dyslexia, which Trump believes should disqualify him

Trump believes should disqualify him

Trump believes should disqualify him from running for president.

from running for president.

from running for president. >> Honestly, I'm all for people with

>> Honestly, I'm all for people with

>> Honestly, I'm all for people with learning disabilities, but not for my

learning disabilities, but not for my

learning disabilities, but not for my president. I don't want I think a

president. I don't want I think a

president. I don't want I think a president should not have learning

president should not have learning

president should not have learning disabilities. Okay? And I know it's

disabilities. Okay? And I know it's

disabilities. Okay? And I know it's highly controversial to say such a

highly controversial to say such a

highly controversial to say such a horrible thing. The president of the

horrible thing. The president of the

horrible thing. The president of the United States, Gavin Nuskum, admitted

United States, Gavin Nuskum, admitted

United States, Gavin Nuskum, admitted that he has learning disabilities,

that he has learning disabilities,

that he has learning disabilities, dyslexia,

dyslexia,

dyslexia, uh, everything about him is dumb.

uh, everything about him is dumb.

uh, everything about him is dumb. >> Anyway, be best everybody. This is a man

>> Anyway, be best everybody. This is a man

>> Anyway, be best everybody. This is a man who's posted thousands of misspelled

who's posted thousands of misspelled

who's posted thousands of misspelled words over the last 14 years. He He

words over the last 14 years. He He

words over the last 14 years. He He thinks mutilization is a word in the

thinks mutilization is a word in the

thinks mutilization is a word in the English language. In that clip we just

English language. In that clip we just

English language. In that clip we just showed, he referred to Gavin Newsome as

showed, he referred to Gavin Newsome as

showed, he referred to Gavin Newsome as the president of the United States

the president of the United States

the president of the United States and he's worried about Gavin Newsome's

and he's worried about Gavin Newsome's

and he's worried about Gavin Newsome's learning ability disabilities.

learning ability disabilities.

learning ability disabilities. Everything about him is dumb. Oh, this.

Everything about him is dumb. Oh, this.

Everything about him is dumb. Oh, this. But enough about President Erin Gorales.

But enough about President Erin Gorales.

But enough about President Erin Gorales. We have a St. Patrick's Day tradition

We have a St. Patrick's Day tradition

We have a St. Patrick's Day tradition that we like to uphold. We revisit the

that we like to uphold. We revisit the

that we like to uphold. We revisit the greatest local news story of all time

greatest local news story of all time

greatest local news story of all time every year. This is the 20th year, the

every year. This is the 20th year, the

every year. This is the 20th year, the 20th anniversary of this clip, which is

20th anniversary of this clip, which is

20th anniversary of this clip, which is from all the way back in 2006, where

from all the way back in 2006, where

from all the way back in 2006, where local channel 15 in Mobile, Alabama

local channel 15 in Mobile, Alabama

local channel 15 in Mobile, Alabama filed this incomparable report on a

filed this incomparable report on a

filed this incomparable report on a leprechaun sighting. Curiosity leads to

leprechaun sighting. Curiosity leads to

leprechaun sighting. Curiosity leads to large crowds in Mobile's Kiteon

large crowds in Mobile's Kiteon

large crowds in Mobile's Kiteon community. Many of you bringing

community. Many of you bringing

community. Many of you bringing binoculars, camcorders, even camera

binoculars, camcorders, even camera

binoculars, camcorders, even camera phones to take pictures. To me, it look

phones to take pictures. To me, it look

phones to take pictures. To me, it look like a leprechaun to me. All I got to do

like a leprechaun to me. All I got to do

like a leprechaun to me. All I got to do is look up IN THE TREE. WHO ELSE IN THE

is look up IN THE TREE. WHO ELSE IN THE

is look up IN THE TREE. WHO ELSE IN THE LEPRECHAUN? SAY

LEPRECHAUN? SAY

LEPRECHAUN? SAY >> YEAH.

ALL OPPOSED.

ALL OPPOSED.

ALL OPPOSED. Diaz have it.

Diaz have it.

Diaz have it. >> Eyewitnesses say the leprechaun only

>> Eyewitnesses say the leprechaun only

>> Eyewitnesses say the leprechaun only comes out at night. If you shine a light

comes out at night. If you shine a light

comes out at night. If you shine a light in its direction, it suddenly

in its direction, it suddenly

in its direction, it suddenly disappears. This amateur sketch

disappears. This amateur sketch

disappears. This amateur sketch resembles what many of you say the

resembles what many of you say the

resembles what many of you say the leprechaun looks like.

leprechaun looks like.

leprechaun looks like. >> I would pay any amount of money for that

>> I would pay any amount of money for that

>> I would pay any amount of money for that original piece of artwork. I I am not

original piece of artwork. I I am not

original piece of artwork. I I am not joking. If you have it, I'd like it.

joking. If you have it, I'd like it.

joking. If you have it, I'd like it. Others find it hard to believe and have

Others find it hard to believe and have

Others find it hard to believe and have come up with their own theories and

come up with their own theories and

come up with their own theories and explanations for the image.

explanations for the image.

explanations for the image. >> Could be a crackhead that got hold to

>> Could be a crackhead that got hold to

>> Could be a crackhead that got hold to the wrong stuff and it told me to get up

the wrong stuff and it told me to get up

the wrong stuff and it told me to get up in a tree and play a leprechaun.

in a tree and play a leprechaun.

in a tree and play a leprechaun. >> Well, I think we've all been there.

>> Well, I think we've all been there.

>> Well, I think we've all been there. Well, thank you, Mobile. You have given

Well, thank you, Mobile. You have given

Well, thank you, Mobile. You have given us a neverending pot of gold and WE

us a neverending pot of gold and WE

us a neverending pot of gold and WE APPRECIATE IT.

APPRECIATE IT.

APPRECIATE IT. >> COME ON.

>> COME ON.

>> COME ON. COME ON. ARE YOU SERIOUS?

COME ON. ARE YOU SERIOUS?

COME ON. ARE YOU SERIOUS? >> WHAT? LEPRECHAUNS ARE AN offensive

>> WHAT? LEPRECHAUNS ARE AN offensive

>> WHAT? LEPRECHAUNS ARE AN offensive stereotype.

stereotype.

stereotype. >> I am so freaking triggered.

>> I am so freaking triggered.

>> I am so freaking triggered. >> I'm sorry you're triggered. I don't

>> I'm sorry you're triggered. I don't

>> I'm sorry you're triggered. I don't think I see you're on what? Your second

think I see you're on what? Your second

think I see you're on what? Your second Borg now. IS THAT

Borg now. IS THAT

Borg now. IS THAT >> OH, HELL YEAH, BROTHER.

>> OH, HELL YEAH, BROTHER.

>> OH, HELL YEAH, BROTHER. >> OKAY. Are you sure that's a GOOD IDEA?

>> OKAY. Are you sure that's a GOOD IDEA?

>> OKAY. Are you sure that's a GOOD IDEA? >> TWO TIMES THE FUN.

>> TWO TIMES THE FUN.

>> TWO TIMES THE FUN. >> All right. You Okay, maybe it's time to

>> All right. You Okay, maybe it's time to

>> All right. You Okay, maybe it's time to head out, huh?

head out, huh?

head out, huh? >> No, I THINK THAT'S A VERY BAD IDEA.

>> No, I THINK THAT'S A VERY BAD IDEA.

>> No, I THINK THAT'S A VERY BAD IDEA. >> YEAH, I think it's a pretty good idea.

>> YEAH, I think it's a pretty good idea.

>> YEAH, I think it's a pretty good idea. Oh my god.

Oh my god.

Oh my god. >> OH MY GOODNESS.

>> OH MY GOODNESS.

>> OH MY GOODNESS. >> YOU GOT AN EXTRA PAIR OF PANTS I can

>> YOU GOT AN EXTRA PAIR OF PANTS I can

>> YOU GOT AN EXTRA PAIR OF PANTS I can brought

brought

brought >> I don't know. I'm so sorry.

>> I don't know. I'm so sorry.

>> I don't know. I'm so sorry. >> Oh, I just realized I'm late for work. I

>> Oh, I just realized I'm late for work. I

>> Oh, I just realized I'm late for work. I got to go. I got to get out of here.

got to go. I got to get out of here.

got to go. I got to get out of here. >> Okay, you're Wait.

>> Okay, you're Wait.

>> Okay, you're Wait. >> I GOT TO GO. I'M LATE FOR WORK.

>> I GOT TO GO. I'M LATE FOR WORK.

>> I GOT TO GO. I'M LATE FOR WORK. >> JUST ONE THING. Where do you um

>> JUST ONE THING. Where do you um

>> JUST ONE THING. Where do you um >> All right. Where do you work out of

>> All right. Where do you work out of

>> All right. Where do you work out of curiosity?

curiosity?

curiosity? >> I work at LAX AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER.

>> I work at LAX AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER.

>> I work at LAX AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER. >> OH, GREAT. OKAY.

>> OH, GREAT. OKAY.

>> OH, GREAT. OKAY. >> COME FLY THE FRIENDLY SKIES, YOU LIKE.

>> COME FLY THE FRIENDLY SKIES, YOU LIKE.

>> COME FLY THE FRIENDLY SKIES, YOU LIKE. >> ALL RIGHT.

>> ALL RIGHT.

>> ALL RIGHT. OUT. RA.

We got a

We got a

We got a we have a good show for you tonight from

we have a good show for you tonight from

we have a good show for you tonight from the Black Cruise. Chris Robinson is here

the Black Cruise. Chris Robinson is here

the Black Cruise. Chris Robinson is here from Lake Street Dive. Rachel Price is

from Lake Street Dive. Rachel Price is

from Lake Street Dive. Rachel Price is with the Kones and we'll be RIGHT BACK

with the Kones and we'll be RIGHT BACK

with the Kones and we'll be RIGHT BACK WITH CHELSEA HANDLER. So stick around.