All language subtitles for The.Dyers.Caravan.Park.S01E05.1080p.WEB.h264-EDITH_track3_[eng]

The following programme contains
strong language.

Anya Hole, the Pink Pony Club, yeah?
Yeah.

I'd love your legs.
Thank you.

Unbelievable.
I did spill tea down them

and I thought, "Oh no,
it's gonna look like piss."

I did wonder what that was,
a bit excitable.

# BLUR: Parklife #
DANNY: 'Previously...

'we brought back the 80s
with a banging night

'at the Priory Club.'

Hello, Priory Hill!

What a night.
100%, the Danny Dyer effect.

DANNY: 'We set about getting a
playground built for the park kids.'

You can't say "I want it there"
and then later on go,

"Oh mate, what it is,
I wanted it over there'"

'But we were already facing
some resistance.'

No.
What?No.

You'll ruin this site
you put a park on here.

# They all go hand in hand

# Hand in hand through
their Parklife... #

# THE CORAL: In The Morning #

DANNY: 'Last month's 80s night was a
huge hit with the residents.

'But we still didn't know
if all our hard work

'had actually helped
increase profits.'

Right, Dan, I'm very proud
of us because...

we pulled something off
out the bag, didn't we?

Like, Thursday night sort of
turn-out weren't it?

I had a really good night that
night.Was a good night.

Matching costumes and all that.

80s night, pulled the big guns
out, made some calls.

It was a brilliant night,
everybody loved it.

(OVERLAPPING CHATTER)

That's what I told you,
about making memories for people,

that's a memory. Yeah?It is.
There's people out there

that have come to me that were
gutted they couldn't make it.

It was such a good night, I've never
seen so many people make an effort.

Did we take a few quid that night?
I feel like that bar was ramma.

Yeah, considering it was a Thursday
we did really, really well,

so we took £4,668.

Oh, I'm sure that's broke
the record.

Yeah, probably our best
Thursday ever.

Given that it was such
a huge success,

we should try and do more nights
like this.I'm up for it.

Like, more erm, themed nights, more-

Does that mean I have to go through
each-We should do Spice Girls.

Why can't you call in a couple of
favours now then? Who d'you know?

You've got a couple of famous people.
I don't- I know Becky Hill.

Could get Becky, you know who
Becky Hill is?Yeah.

Oh, you do?
She's doing a tribute actually.

The real Becky Hill?
No, a tribute.Oh.

Yeah.Erm, anyway.

Alright, oh, alright then, let's go.
Thanks Al.

# When the morning comes, I
will be alright... #

DANNY: 'On a high,
we turned to the playground.

'Now set to be tucked behind
the pool and clubhouse,

'the spot was perfect.

'Or so we thought.'

D'you know where they're putting the
playground? Right outside your door.

No you can't do that, you can't do
that, it's ridiculous, it's stupid.

But what about-It's the
worst place you could put it.

Who wants to open their door
and see this big, you know...

Nah. No.

You've got two massive fields,

and you wanna put it there?

What a- Who...?

What can you actually fit there?
It's such a small space.

It surely isn't signed off?
If my wife come up to me and said,

"Al, think of a place
where we can put this park

but think of the worst place you
can put it", I'll put it there!

I'm really annoyed about it, there's
been no consultation from Mr Dyer.

No thought went in to it at all.

It's a holiday park,
we appreciate there's kids,

but having a swing park
in front of your chalet...

..that ain't what
we signed up for, right?

Put it this way, bluntly, if
we'd come to buy this chalet,

and that swing park was there,
guess what?

We wouldn't have bought the chalet.
End of.

Innit interesting Dan...
What?

..that erm, you know, they like to...

..get their seat for bingo.

Like reserving a sun lounger, innit?

(GROANS)

All the...

You here for the bingo, though,
you little lot, or...?

(LOUDER) You here for the bingo?
(DISTANT) Yeah.

Alright, OK.
Is that your favourite seat?

BOTH: Yes.

How we doing?

Oh, we're just, um...

making sure it's all clean.
For bingo?For the bingo lot.

You look a bit down,
what's happened?The park innit?

Sit there babe.

And I'll come here.

What's happening anyway?
This park idea.

Great idea.
Yeah.

Great idea, love it, but...

the location.

Yes, which we did discuss.
Yeah, we did discuss.

Which was at the back of the pool.
Back of the pool, yeah.

The residents have gone ape shit.

The residents have gone mental.

They don't want it near their gaff.
Mental?

Go on then, what they said?
So basically,

the first resident is gonna sell.
Dramatic.

He will leave straight away.
And the one behind,

they don't want it either,
they're an old couple,

and the customer behind that said,
"I'll also sell-"

What's the matter with 'em? So, every
one of 'em have got the hump over it?

They say they come down for
a bit of peace and quiet.

So they don't want all the kids
right outside their chalet there.

'Cos they bought it as a field,
as a nice quiet area,

and it's gonna change
and they don't wanna be here.

Yeah, I understand that.They're some
of our oldest customers as well,

oldest residents as well.
Yeah, I can tell by their chalets.

Can tell they look after 'em,
they love 'em, they...Yeah.

But we spoke about going to Nutts
Farm and doing it there, remember?

Nutts were pretty much the same,
they didn't want it near their vans.

We've gotta build a park.
We have to build a park.

We have to, I understand that
the older lot, you know, they...

they want peace and quiet
but we're trying to keep

young people coming through.
Yeah.

"Oh it's great, Priory Hill,
Nutts Farm,

there's loads to do for the kids."

One threatened to cut it down
with a chainsaw.

If it's made of metal
they won't be able to cut it down.

Reciprocating saw.Maybe an angle
grinder.What's wrong with a park?!

Oh look at him, he's talking about
his saws now, look.Over a park?

Yeah.

DANNY: 'As getting a playground in
Priory earth was proving tricky...'

Oh, this is lovely today, innit?
Lovely blue sky, dad.

Right up for this today, I am.
Yeah?

DANNY: '..We cracked on with another
idea to relieve the kids' boredom.'

You the football lot, yeah?
You're here to sort the football?

Know where you're going? Go straight
down there and to the right.

Would you have wanted to have been a
footballer if you weren't an actor?

Could still be.
Nutts, Nutts, Nutts, Nutts.

DANNY: 'So we got John,
the groundsman

'for local club Sheppey United
to give us a hand.'

Well, what d'you think of
this bit of ground then?

It's a bit parched, Dan,
but it'll do, won't it?

Don't want it too close to the vans.

So I'm thinking the pitch
needs to be um...

..as close to this
fence as possible, really.

Coming away at an angle?Yeah,
I think so, what d'you reckon?

To keep it square.
How big is five-a-side?

Should be 36-by-27,

but we're gonna go 30-by-20
to fit it in the field.

OK, gotcha.
What about the kids,

how will they know
how to do their teams and that?

What d'you mean?How will they go,
"I'm the five, you're the..."

We don't get involved in that
bollocks, we just give 'em a pitch.

They probably should do, like, slot
bookings and that, shouldn't-

You're worrying about shit
we don't have to worry about, right?

We provide 'em a pitch,

and then they can deal
with the rest of it.Yeah.

Oh, it is quite big.

So, this is to the centre
of the goal at the minute,

so ten metres in,
ten metres that way.

Oh right, so we're going
that way are we?

So this will be the centre of the
goal down to there.

Yeah so, lovely, yeah, gotcha.
Love that.

DANNY: 'We just needed to get
the posts in the ground

'before anyone else could complain.'

# THE JAM: Start! #

Got it.

Crisp, white goals, look.

Love that.

I'll let you crack on, yeah?
Yeah, all over it like a rash, Dan.

I see you watching on, we're just
doing a little five-a-side pitch here

and, uh, I was thinking
I was gonna draft you up.

I cannae see the ball unless
it's got a bell in it.

How d'you feel about
having a pitch here?

I know it's- there's been a little
bit of debate over the sense of...

Why?Some people don't want noise.
So how d'you feel about it?

No problem.Oh, you're with us?
Oh, good.Oh, good.

How long you had a van down here for?

Oh, I'm now 80.

Wow, OK.

And I bought the first caravan
down here when I was 18.

Aww.
Aww, the good old days, eh?

Oh, wow.So you've had your
kids coming through and...

Yeah...so you've managed
to keep the tradition going.

'Course me and Dani, you know,
we've been here a while now

and that's what we're trying to do,
really, is trying to...

you know, keep the place interesting.
It's the young people coming through,

hence why I've done the football
pitch because if there's nothing
for young people to do here,

they won't buy a van down here-That
reminds me of when Harry was here,

Harry Redknapp.
Oh go on, Harry, I know Harry, yes.

Yeah. Senior.
Senior.

Yeah.His father...
So, Harry's dad?

Yeah. Was in a caravan next to ours,

he used to do a five-a-side here
on a Sunday.

Really?
Yeah. That went on for a few years.

Wow.So there's always been,
that's what I'm saying,

soon as I see the post go up,
yeah, brings back memories.

Well, OK. Well what an
absolute pleasure.

What a wonderful man.
Take care mate.

Lovely to see you my darling.
Yeah, and nice to meet you as well.

Lovely to meet you. See you soon.
You take care.

Have a lovely day, enjoy yourself,
whatever you're doing today.

Is a good idea.
Yeah, that was a lovely little idea.

Think the idea of me putting
a call in to Harry.

Yeah.The kids know who he is
'cos he won the Jungle,

he's a West Ham legend, even though
he did fucking go to Tottenham.

But we'll let all that go for now.

And I think if we can roll Harry in,
get a little team together,

yeah, could be the launch of the uh,
the old five-a-side football pitch,

on Nutts Farm.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

I bumped in to a lovely old geezer
called Bernard

and he mentioned your name.

He said, "Listen, Harry used to come
down here with his with his dad."

Oh, yeah.And all that sort of stuff
and I thought no way, I said,

"What, Harry's had a caravan down
Nutts Farm?" Is that true, Harry?

Nutts Farm. Oh, we lived in Nutts...

when I was a kid
in the youth team there

we'd all come down
the caravan for a week,

we had the time of our life
down in Nutts Farm.

Oh, that's amazing.
Well look, I'm down here, right,

and I'm trying to run it
with my daughter, Dani.

Now, it's been up and down,
I'm not gonna fucking lie.

I was wondering if you fancied coming
down, have a little reminisce...

Yeah, love to...right, come
and have a little mooch about.

I'm gonna get the staff together,
and we're gonna get a little team,

and the residents, they're
gonna get a little team together

and I was wondering if you'd come
down, manage the residents,

we'll have a kick about.Course.
I wanna make this a tradition again,

and we'll see how we go, eh?
Lovely, Danny, look forward to it.

Ah, good boy, I'll be in touch,
son, lots of love.Cheers, Dan.

God bless ya, God bless ya.
Bye mate, bye Danny.

Oh, what a touch. What a touch.

Eh?

Bit of Harry Redknapp
on the firm, see.

Amazing. That's all you need.

DANNY: 'That evening, it was time
to go from a game I love

'to one I couldn't stand.

'Bingo.

'It's not just a religion for
die-hard residents,

'it's also a significant
source of income for the park.'

I love bingo.

Absolutely love it.

You get to meet people
and you're having a laugh,

and you meet all different
walks of life.

I look a pretty girl now.

Good evening one and all,

and welcome to the Friday Club,

it's bingo time.

It brings people in from other sites.
People that are not even on our camp.

DANNY: 'Last year alone, over 3,000
people played on Priory,

'with pay-outs totalling
over a 104 grand.'

I absolutely hated it.

When I first come down here,
I would not do it.

And all it takes is a little win,

and then you're hooked. That's it.
Yeah.

We're starting with a three,
d'you want that three?

Yeah, just that one, yeah,
definitely.

Everyone sits in the
same tables, yeah.

I've sat in the same table
for 17 years,

every night, minus maybe one or two.

DANNY: 'After the 80s night, I've
started wondering what else

'in the entertainment
needed a shake-up,

'and bingo taking up
three nights a week

'felt like a good place to start.'

I like a bit of bingo.
Do ya?

Yeah. I used to go with nanny,
didn't I, on a Sunday?

Yeah, you did, you're right.

You'd better not win in here.

They'll think it's rigged.

Yeah, they would think it's rigged.

OK, page down on to your
pink ticket now.

Pink ticket. Where's the pink one?

Right, here's your pink ticket,
right. Come on, you can...

Fucking doing it.

Stop being silly.
Right, here you go, ready?

First number's five and eight, 58.

Seven and eight, 78.

Seven and one, 71.

Yeah, I can't do, he's
too quick for me.

He's too fast.

Six and five, 65.

Ain't that fast.

What, to find the numbers
and all that bollocks there?76.

Two and six, 26.

Nine-oh, blind 90.
Makes no sense to me, that don't.

You crack on.

Six and seven, 67.

Seven-oh, blind 70.

I can't work it out, darlin.

Yeah.

Eight and seven, 87.

Five and nine, 59.

Can't keep up, it's too fast.

But yet intense,

fast and tense.

And of course, you can't go,
"Oh I didn't hear that one",

'cos you'd get fucking glassed
in there.

So no, I can't sit in there,
that's not for me.

I'm gonna have to read out
the numbers at some point, as well,

and that's fucking
petrifying, it's...

it's more frightening to me
than doing Pinter

live at the West End stage
and that's the fucking truth.

That is scary shit.

HARRY: Leysdown was always, like,

it was a big part of our life,
you know.

Back in the day, my mum and dad
had a caravan on Nutts Farm.

And we used to come
down here weekends,

my dad would finish
work in the docks,

he worked in the docks
all his life,

and my mum used
to work in the cake factory,

and they'd finish work
and every Friday night,

get the old green coach out
of Poplar and head down to Leysdown.

That was our weekend.
It was fantastic.

My dad was football mad,
sport was his life.

And all the kids would
come over, like,

"Harry, can we get a team?
We wanna play"

and he'd organise, he'd have a
game against the...

the Priory would play
Nutts Farm on the field.

Ain't changed that much
round here, you know.

The Rose & Crown's still
there, look.

That's where they'd have a punch-up
on Saturday night.

There'd be people singing on
the mic in there and it's,

yeah, just...

Same old, same old, brilliant.

My career's taken me from
sort of West Ham, Tottenham,

you know, Portsmouth, Bournemouth.

You know, managed against
Fergie and Mourinho,

Wenger, everybody
really, haven't I?

But if I can't beat Danny then
I really do think I should retire.

Here he is!
Hello.Alright, Dan.

Good to see you, son.
You alright, mate? How you doing?

Lovely to see you.
Alright Dani. How are ya?

Lovely to meet you.Welcome, mate,
welcome. Here he is, look at him.

This is Jimi.Hi. Hello, mate,
so nice to meet you.

Nice to see ya.So Jimi's-
this is Jimi's family's gaff.

I remember meeting your old man.
Yeah, yeah.

He used to come out shouting at us.
No!

Now when I first arrived here,

I realised there was a bit of rivalry
between Priory and Nutts.

Yeah.Now I didn't know all this.
They don't really get on.

You know, you've got the caravan lot,
which would've been your lot

and the chalet lot.
Now when I was a kid...

I had one of them caravans
that had no khazi in it.

That's right, so did we, yeah, yeah.

Right, so we used to look up to
people with chalets.

And now the roles have reversed, the
chalets only go for about five grand.

Really?And these are going
for 40-odd grand.Really?

I suppose when you was here,
you wouldn't have had

these sort of vans down here,
would you?

No. All little, proper little old
caravans.Diddy ones, ain't they?

Here he is, look at him, living it
up, old Bernard here, look.

Let's go and say hello to Bernard.

Brought someone down
to see you, Bernard.

Bernard, how you doing?
How are ya?

Well we got him down here,
we got him down here.

I see in you, it's like
reincarnation of your dad.

I know, yeah.
And I do that...

my missus said, "You do that
with your hair"-Yeah.

My dad was always doing that.
Right, so anyway, Bernard,

I bumped in to you the other week and
you were telling me about, you know,

the old football that we used
to have down here back in the day,

and you come up with a lovely idea
that we should try and bring it back.

Which then you started
to speak about Harry.

Yeah, 'cos I remember you coming
down every season.

Course, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

But he was the one, we used to go
over there on a Sunday afternoon,

the whole campsite, literally, used
to be round that football pitch.

Really?Have a game.
So what was it, five-a-side?

Yeah, five-a-side.Yes.
Competitions between the camps.

Well that's inevitably
that's what I want.

So we can have a game with the staff-
Yeah...against the residents.

And you're on the residents' side.

Well he's the man for the
residents, of course.

And uh, hopefully, it starts it
off that every year

they start playing other campsites.
Little Bros, you got Arts, you got...

So really I wanted to start
a tradition.Brilliant.

Where d'you think your old
van was then, Harry?

The old van...
Bernard knows exactly.

There. Where Steve's van is.

What, this one, here?
Yeah.

Let's have a look at
that one, then, H. Eh?

Bernie, lovely to see you.Take
care.Keep well, keep well, mate.

Look at this one here though, the
posh glass, look.Blimey.

Could live in there.
How long have yous had this plot?

Twelve years. We bought it off
of Harry's niece, our cousin.

You did?We did. And then,
what's there not to like about it?

And when you turn round here...
Well, no, it's a good plot here.

Gotta say.Fantastic.Yeah.

We're gonna have a little just sit in
front of your plot if you don't mind.

Yeah.Take a pew, son.
Alright, Danny Boy.

I've, um, you know, I've bit off
a little bit more than I can chew.

I didn't realise, you know,
uh, you know, how difficult-

For one, I'm not a businessman,
Harry, I've never been,

I've never run a business.
It's been hard, mate, it's been hard.

It's a great spot, Dan, I mean,
Leysdown, it's an hidden gem,

I think it's brilliant.It is mate,
it is. It really is mate.

Your old man has been absolutely
smashing the crews.

Oh, absolutely.
So we need to change the barrel.

You've gotta get it in
the right spot.That in?

That's in, yeah. Think so.
Ooh, something's spitting at me.

(AIR WHOOSHES)
Oh there we go, it's in.

That's it, push that down.
Yeah, push it down.

Tap that little button there,
the bit up there should turn green.

Great.
Lovely.

Here we go, here's our
little pitch, look. Look.

Perfect.
Perfect innit? Look.

Bit Jekyll on the old
corner flag but that'll do.

Yeah.So, Harry, this is Paul
who owns the site.

How are you?Good, cheers, what an
honour it is to meet you, mate.

The wonderful Mark.
Harry, nice to meet you, mate.

Mark's a good handyman.
It's been played on a lot,

they've only been in for like
relatively five minutes, ain't they?

And the kids have been all over it.
Good to see the kids playing.

That's all I wanna hear.
Get 'em out here.

Obviously Harry's come over, he's
gonna manage the residents.Yeah.

The residents?
Yes. Well, because he was a resident.

Yeah.Right, his old man started
the football off years ago.

Who have we got managing us then?
Well me. What d'you mean who's fuck-

Me.What, so they've got
a Premier Leage manager

and we've got Mean Machine's
Billy the Limpet?Good film, that.

Billy gets a winning goal
at the end if you remember rightly.

Who's the ref? Pierluigi Collina?

We've got a proper ref coming down.
Proper ref.Don't worry, yeah,

Got a proper geezer coming down,
wave him on.See ya later, boys.

We'll see you at the game.
Ain't these vans lovely though?

They're lovely, you know.
All got lovely decking.Oh, my God.

DANNY: 'With the big game
only a couple of weeks away,

'I was feeling good.

'Cue a letter from Swale Council.'

Dan.
Alright babe.

I've got some news.
Go on.

"Your submission has been received
for the above proposal."

Yeah."Unfortunately-"Oh.
"-we require further information

to enable us to validate
the application.

If you wish to proceed
with this application,

please provide the following
listed below."

Go on.

"It is not clear from the red
outline on the site location plan

where the proposed works
will be carried out."

I told you this when we done the
bollocky square.Nah. I don't think-

I don't know why you'd have
a slide up against the fence.

"Please amend the red outline
so that it includes

where the proposed development
of the main- the highway..."

That's bad fucking grammar.
Yeah, that's bad.

"Including the access to
the main highway...

The location plan should be
based on an up-to-date map...

And the owner's ownership
outlined in blue...

Direction of north must be shown...

Identify sufficient roads...

Scale bar should be included...
Landscaping, car park...

Biodiversity..."
Oh no, it gets better,

"The fee required for this type of
application is 2,578,

therefore an additional payment
of 1,990 is required."

See, they want more fucking
money out of me.

We've got it wrong,
and it says resubmit and pay 'em.

Have you finished yours?
Yeah, I've sucked that right off.

Now I want a Moretti.

I love you but... I don't want
moustache germs on there.

What, in my moustache?

The only thing in
my moustache is your mother.

There's not much totty down
here for us to look at.Oh no, no.

You can look.
That's it.

But my grandkids would
be horrified, yeah.

Oh yeah.Especially when
her son was out that day,

and he walked on the one that
does the muscle man.

Oh, Barry.And when he went by,
I went, "Oh I would,"

and she went, "Excuse me,
that's my grandson."(LAUGHTER)

DANNY: A few days later,
it was time for my training

'with bingo Jedi, Paul.'

Right.Right. Bit of bingo selling
then, mate.

Right, bingo. What is all this?

There's a bit of a spiel to it.

Come and get your books, your bingo
books, ladies and gentlemen.

No, not everyone wants the same.

So a standard set would be
six of them.Six of them.

So, top and bottom, you can't
sell going over the middle 'cos

you're gonna have different numbers.
These, second chance flyer,

one of those blue flyer,
and just one of these, open the box.

So we play an eight page main, so we
go front to back in the main books,

one game at a time, one line, two
lines, full house on each game.

You- I've- I've gone.
You've lost me already, mate.

DANNY: 'Baffled, we moved on to
selling ticket books.'

Someone comes up, right.
I go, "What d'you want?"

Yeah. Maybe be a little bit
more polite.

"OK then babe, what d'you-
Babe, you look lovely.

Er, what you after my little sweets?

What d'you want back round ya?"
(SNIFFS)

I'll have six two second chance,

one flyer, two open the box,

and I'll have two oddies as well.
Alright, OK.

Well pick up what you need darlin,
they're all here.No, no, no, no.

You know what they are. Seems like a
lot of fucking trouble, dunnit?

Yeah, but it's a big lure though
mate, bingo is a big-

Always has been as well for
a long time.Yeah I know it is.

So two of them, two of them-
No, one of them.

One of them.Yeah.
One of them.Two of them.

Two of them. Why two of them?
That's what they want.

So that's six quid.
Two second chance.Seven, eight.

Nine, ten.
One flyer. Two open the box.

Ten, eleven quid.
No.

Say it again.Six.
"Six what, babe, what d'you want?"

Six. I want a six, one blue flyer.

Right, so that's six, seven, eight.
But I want eight,

but I want them odd though.
So why they being a (BLEEP) about it?

Because that's-Why don't you tell
me eight, I'll give you the eight.

And then I'll give you the
two second chances.

They want their oddies to be odd.

DANNY: 'Next, it was on to the park's
very own Commodore 64 Death Star.'

Two and three, 23.

One.

No, "On its own, number one."

So when it's on its jack...
Yeah.

Three and three, 33.

"All the threes, 33."

What, so you always do that do you?
Yeah.

All the sixes, 66.

We need someone to call up
really now.Yeah.

So hold up, so when someone
goes- what do they say?

They say, here ya!
Hold on, hold on. Now what happens?

Paul will go along now
to that table.

Paul, any chance...
You didn't say line called.

Line called.

Paul will do that.
Paul? Oh no, Paul does it.

No, no, you say, "line called."

One of you, make your mind up,
who's doing it?You.

Right, so I've just had my 'here ya'
that's a line call.

Any value, Paul?
One, two, three, four.

So we press that red button there.

So I press the red.
Type in, what did he say?

Oh fucking hell, gotta type shit in
now, look.One, two, three, four.

And it'll say 'not valid'
'cos it ain't a winner.

False call.
So if that was right then,

you would say,
"that's good for a line."

That's good for the line, that is.

Now we say mark number 64
on your second chance.

You've got that second chance thing,
right?Course I ain't.

You might as well be talking
to me in fucking Arabic.

This bingo game is confusing,
I've underestimated it.

And I'll tell you something else,
I could do without it.

Right, let's have a little dip.
Too hot out here.

Couple of tinnies. Beautiful.

Come here.
Aah.Yes, boy.

Let's have a kiss.
No. Don't be doing that.

(LAUGHTER)

I love you but not that much.
Where's me rubber duck?

Ah, look at 'em.

When I saw yous coming over here
I thought,

"Who's these athletes
coming over here?

Perhaps they're training for
the next Olympics."

Yeah, exactly.So, look,
I brought you over here because...

we've got the little
five-a-side pitch.

I would like to kick it off
with a match.

I thought what we'd do today is see
if anyone's got anything about 'em.

Anything. Helen, have you ever
played football, darlin?

I'm gonna go for no.

Have you...?
Bits and bobs with the kids.

So you have kicked a ball?
Yeah.

When's the last time you
played a competitive match?Never.

Never. You're young, look at
him, look, full of spunk.

I play every week for a team now.

Lovely. Jim?
I play FIFA.

Right.
Mm.

I have played but-
So you've played...not any more now.

Why's that?My knee.
What's happened to your knee?

Got one ACL, in this leg,
this one's gone, done.

Well, let's just start,
just take a penalty at me,

let's see who can actually
strike a ball.

Ready? (BLOWS WHISTLE)

Love that.
You didn't even dive.

Oh...
Oooh!

(BLOWS WHISTLE)
I don't know what foot to use.

What, you don't know
what footed you are?Nah.

What...what handed are you?
Right.Kick with your right.

Oh you mug, you could've
let me have that.

Who's up next?!

Oh!

Oh!

Whatever foot, you go in, we go out,

and then you're really close
to the goal.

Love that, Dan, two feet.

Strike it, yeah! (BLOWS WHISTLE)

Come on Gracie!

Try and put a bit of effort in
if you can.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Aaaargh! (LAUGHS)

# NEW ORDER: World In Motion #

Unlucky.

Go, go, go, take a shot Mark.
Take a shot.

Oh!

Aargh!
Save!

He's unbelievable goalkeeper.

(GROANS)

(OVERLAPPING SHOUTS)

Well done, Paul.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

That's enough of that bollocks.

Right, well done everyone.
I'm impressed there, we done well.

Nice couple of touches from Dan.

Helen nearly nutted one in.

I'm very impressed with
Mark's goalkeeping skills.

Tell you what, stand half a chance
here, done well with this team.

Back to the bar.
Well done, everyone.

Yeah, I think we're fucked,
to be honest.

Arsenal Al?

Arsenal Al?

Any chance?

He's always got a new
Arsenal shirt on.

What year's this one?

Is this this year's?
This is this year's one.

Got a proposition for you, Al.
What's that?

I wanna get a team
together, of the staff.

And we wanna have it
with the residents.

Oh, right.
So back in the day, didn't you say,

sure I heard you say you used to play
over here and all that, didn't you?

Yeah.Games and all that sort of
stuff. We're trying to bring it back,

so, Harry Redknapp,
you a fan of Harry?

He's a good lad, yeah.
No, he's good as gold,

and also, he used to have a van down
here, back in the day, didn't he?

I think he was on Steve's plot.
There you go.That's it, yeah.

So anyway, I've made a call,
he's gonna come down

and I was thinking he could manage
your team.Alright. That's fine.

Right? You wanna be captain
or whatever,

get a few residents together,
he can manage you. Against us lot.

I've seen the staff,
who you got on the staff?

You've got a couple...
Oh, struggling a bit.

I know, you've got that young lad
who thinks he's a footballer,

goes out with Cat,
can't think of his name.William.

Right, you've got a few youngsters.
Mark ain't a bad keeper.

Yeah, but he's got a dodgy knee.
Yeah, but he's in goal.

One dive and he'll be out.Jimi's
never kicked a ball in his life.

He'll probably have a beer
in his hand on the wing.

Um, there's a couple of youngsters
over there I'm gonna nick.

Gotta be staff, though, yeah?
Gotta be staff.

No worries young man.Top man, Al.
Look forward to it, mate.

Next week yeah?
Yeah, let's go to work.

And you've got Harry Redknapp as your
manager.That'll be brilliant, yeah.

There you go, see.
That's it. I'll tell them that.

See ya later. See you next week.

DANNY: 'Alan was onboard.

'And clearly already taking it
far more seriously than me.'

(BLOWS WHISTLE)
When you're ready. Roll it.

Nice.

Football on the pitch again.
At Nutts!

It's been a long time.

Normally I'm having a
beer with Alan.

Right, one sec. One sec.

I've seen a new Alan today.
It's like he's a sergeant major,

he's, like, really professional.
One of yous come on.

Guys, if you're kicking that way,
put your hands up in the air.

(GRUNTS)
(LAUGHTER)

(BLOWS WHISTLE)
Right, guys, have a breather.

He's looking good
as a goalkeeper, Aiden.

He hasn't done too bad,
the guy with one arm.

Without a doubt.
Yeah. Yeah.

So that gives us our 12 then.

Well done for turning up.

Good effort from all of yous.
(APPLAUSE)

I hope you know that I'll be
checking memberships, mate.

Checking memberships.
Yeah.

I'm gonna check the staff passes.

You can. I won't get
anyone that's not staff.

There's no one will get by me.

And your lot won't get by me either,
mate. As they come on to the pitch,

I'm gonna be asking for their
membership card,

if they ain't got one, then they
can fuck off. Know what I mean?

Listen, I've got two girls
who's gonna muller your girls,

they're like Rottweilers.
You are worried.Why am I worried?

Why did you come and sit next to me
at the bingo the other night?

Just to let you know
that Connor is on our team

and you ain't having him. There's no
chance.You look well worried.

No.You do.
It's roasting out here.

I can see your hands, like that.
No. Stable, mate.

Hold 'em out then, hold 'em out.
Stable, mate.

About as good as your
goalkeeping hands.Stable.

Hold yours out. Oh, no you're
about 70, you will shake, won't ya?

Oh look. (LAUGHS)
That's just natural.

(LAUGHTER)Right, I'll have to
send you off, son.

(BLOWS WHISTLE) Off you go.

DANNY: 'The big game
was just days away.

'But I sadly had
other things on my mind.'

Fancy yourself tonight on the bingo?

You got a preferred number Eda?

Yeah, I like Paul.

Well I might do if you don't mind.

Right, see yous later.

Ta-ta.

'Soon enough, my bingo
numbers were finally up.

'And my big debut loomed.'

You're gonna have to go easy on me.
Why's that, love?

Well, in case I fuck it up.

People take bingo seriously
'cos we're playing for money.

That's the bottom line,

if someone's messing around
and it messes them up,

and then they should've won,
they don't win,

and then they're losing out on
money, then it's serious.

No one's gonna laugh that off.
No.

So, he'll have to have
a close eye on him at first.

(HORN HONKING)

How you getting on, boys,
you alright?Alright.Cushty.

Going bingo later?

Um...

just local drug dealers,
they won't be going to bingo.

Er, no, I've had some lessons,
which I never thought I'd have.

None of it's gone in.

OK, let's make that clear.

So, let's see what happens.

Bingo is a very, very
serious business.

A scary business, in a way.
I like to fuck about,

have a laugh and a joke,
and I can't do that in there.

I don't think they're happy about me
getting involved in it.

You know, 'cos they're very
sort of superstitious, so,

I've got to dig deep, and stay,
you know, professional,

and do as I'm told.

Which is not easy.

I'd sort of roll these up
but, uh...

but then I do automatically
become Freddie Mercury.

Wish me luck.

Here they come. Here they come.
Look at 'em all.

What you after?
Knock me off that six...

So, what, two of these?
Yeah.An odd three.

You want an odd three.
I want the one with the red on.Why?

'Cos I just do.
There you go, my darlin.

Thank you, sweetie.
What you after?

Depends what you got.Whatever you
want.One of each, please, darlin.

D'you think he's gonna call
the bingo alright?

Well if he don't,
then he's gonna get lynched.

Six, one, two, two.

One-Two.
No, two.

Alright, alright. Fucking hell.
One.

Can't get the staff now, can ya?
No you can't.He's learning.

Just these two?Yes please.

Alright, boom.Getting a bit of
a queue here lads, if you wanna-

Alright, fucking hell.
He ain't stopped.

That was me, this queue
would be gone by now.

Danny's done all these films, these
hooligans, all these big hard men,

and it turns out
the old dears at bingo

is gonna be the thing
that scares him the most.

It took long enough, it's took him
about an hour to do 'em. (LAUGHS)

But let's hope he don't muck up
the ball when he's calling.

God help him if he does.

He better not fuck it up.
We love our bingo. Oh, here we go.

Love bingo.
It's bingo, it's bingo. (LAUGHS)

(BINGO JINGLE PLAYING)

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen,
you must bear with me,

it's the first time I've ever done
this, it's daunting.

I know there's readies at stake.

Shall we have it then?
Start on your lilac ticket first.

So we're starting on
the lilac ticket first.

Looking for your line.
Looking for your line.

Your first number.
Your first number.

On its own, two.

Two and three, 23.

On its own, number seven.

Three seven, 37.

(WHISPERS) He's nice
and clear, anyway.

Three and oh, 30.

(LAUGHS) Three and oh?
Three and oh?

Three-oh, blind 30, then.

Giving it the big 'un.

Get it right.
You're doing well actually.

Am I doing alright? Cos I-
Yeah!Really well.

My arsehole's clenched up
here, honestly. (LAUGHTER)

Eight and six, 86.

Six and nine, 69.

Any way up.

Any way up?
(LAUGHTER)

Five and eight, 58
(DISTANT) Here.

That cut over there's called it.

Six, two, seven, four. Cheers mate.

Good for full house.

£20. Well done.

Didn't he do well, ladies and gents?
Round of applause.

(APPLAUSE)

Cheers mate, see you later, yeah?

He was good.
Good for him for having a go.

I still don't understand it, what the
fuck is it about, bingo? Honestly.

He done alright. He done his best,

put it that way, he did do his best.

I had a little bit of a joke,
you know, with the old, uh,

legs eleven and the old sixty-
they liked the 69, didn't they?

The dirty bastards in there, eh.

So Danny's just sent me
a voice note.

'Mark, my old son,
hope you're well, baby.

'As you know, big game
the weekend. Huge.

'So, you've been giving it the big
'un about your lawnmower skills,

'you know, being like, saying
you're the best, lawnmowerer-'

I never said that.
'..in Kent.

'So I want you to make that
football pitch look like Wembley.'

Jesus Christ.
'Yeah?

'I want the white lines
looking crisp,

'and I want the pitch
to just look like a carpet.

'So, uh, can't wait to see it,
son. Love you.'

I never said I'm the best
fucking mower in Kent.

And this is gonna be
polishing a turd,

making it look like Wembley
is ridiculous.

It's Nutts Farm, it's
never gonna be Wembley.

Not a chance.

(GROANS)

Alright, Mark?

Alright, mate, how's it going,
alright?Yeah, alright.

Sorry about this, he wants it
done again, for some reason.

What's wrong with it then?
I've done it once.

I've no idea.
I know Danny wants a flat pitch

but look, just look at it,

it's all gone, ain't it?

This is what he asked for.
Is it?

He asked it to be cut short.
Jeez.

It's too short. It's too short.

It's too short. Far too short.

DANNY: 'It was a beautiful morning
for the beautiful game

'and time for Harry to check out
the squad Alan had selected.'

Here he comes, here he comes, look.
Alright boys? Girls?

Let's give him a clap. Hello, gaff.

Hello, son.

I've been given the old
coaching manual.

Oh right. Right.
(LAUGHTER)

How we doing?

This is the dream team. This is it.

DANNY: 'Whilst Harry was busy,

'we snuck over to get a closer look.'

He was in that same spot, alright,

let's say, I dunno, 60 years ago.
Yeah.

I tell you what, get round
the centre circle,

a little bit bigger, let's have
a little, two in the middle.

Dad, don't he look good?
Who, Harry? Yeah.Yeah.

OK, in we go.

Well done, there we go,
now we're passing it.

OK, in you come.

It's good to see him over
here again, innit?

He looks well,
hope you look like that at his age.

Coach, out the way,
they're going round there.

Go!

No, they look strong, they look good.

He's got great posture, Harry.

Stop looking at Harry's arse,
what's the matter with ya?

Don't take it till it's over
the line. Next one.

He's quite lively, that geezer. God.

Well done, well done.
You can have a header.

Look at all this, I've done none
of this with my team, look.

Header. Header. Header.

Sh- Oh my God! What a save that is.

Erm, are we worried?

Probably, yeah.
Probably?

And the next one! Next one!

Back here! Here!

Yes! And back here, yes!

Well done, guys.

Anything else you wanna do, Harry?
No, that's fine.

That'll do 'em, save their energy.
It's instinct.

You know, you see your players,
it's not difficult.

I think we look OK.

Oop.

It reminds me a little bit when
I first went to Tottenham,

you know, team looks a little bit
similar to that really.

Er, yeah, very similar.

Probably won't recognise me,
but I recognise him

'cos I've seen him
so many times on the TV.

But yeah, Harry Redknapp was one
of our...

our little gang
in Chrisp Street Market,

in Poplar, I say, over 60 year ago.

So, he's changed, I've changed,

but I'm gonna go and see if I can
have a crafty cuddle.

DANNY: 'The big game had arrived.

'And with Darren pulling out because
he'd forgotten he was on holiday,

'we stepped on to the Nutts
turf to size up the competition.'

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

What a mob.

Oh, yes.

You alright? Look at the average age
of these lot here, look.

Right, come over here,
come over here.

We're gonna start with Mark in goal.

Me, over the start.

With Paul, and Will,

and then Dani up front to start.

Come on, let's beat 'em, don't
let Danny beat us, please.

Got a little good luck
message here, look.

All the best today. Remember
everything that I've taught you.

Hope it goes well.
Tell your dad pull his finger out,

don't be on the losing side.
All the best.

He does look like he's under hostage,
but that's always how he's been.

(LAUGHTER)
Captains, please. Captains.

Yes, please, captains.

So we're going uphill first.
Thank you very much sir.

God bless you. We'll not take it
easy, let's not fuck about.

(WHISTLE)

# LUCIANO PAVAROTTI: NESSUN DORMA #

Good save.

Have some of that, Danny!

DANNY: 'It was clear we'd never be
the first game on Match of the Day.

'But then, a rare moment of class
came from my right trotter.'

(REF'S WHISTLE)
(MUSIC DISTORTS, STOPS)

Oh, fuck off. Oh, fuck off.

No one moaned, no one's complaining.

It was a great strike but, yeah,
the tackle, nearly red card.

DANNY: 'But with that kick
in the bollocks,

'it gave us some fire in our guts.

'And the game finally picked up.'

(MUSIC RESUMES)

Oh! Get some shots in at Jimi.

Fucking hell, Jimi's in goal.

Go, shoot!

(WHISTLE)

No score.

Gotta get some shots in.
Just hit the target.

You're up that end now,
we're swapping ends.

Ready guys?
Alright, come on!

(WHISTLE)
Oh, unlucky!

Go, go, go, go.

Come on!

Yeah!

(MUSIC FLOURISHES)
Yeah, let's go!

Referee, where the VAR?

DANNY: 'Victory for the staff
looked a dead cert.'

Sorry ref. Sorry ref.

DANNY: 'But as the minutes
ticked away,

'the residents well and truly put
us under the cosh.'

Yes, a save, what a save that is.

(MUSIC FLOURISHES)
Yeah!

(WHISTLE)

Penalties. Penalties.

Should've won that, we got
robbed for the first half.

Right, they nicked it at the end,

I'm sure they had six players
on the pitch, but we'll wear it,

it's penalties,
you've been unbelievable in goal.

Right, we've got some
penalty takers.

Ready?
(CHEERS)

(WHISTLE)

Yeah!

Yes!

Have some of that, Danny!

Great penalty.

Take your time.

(WHISTLE)
Bit of a run up, Dan.

Ooh!

Unlucky.
Oh.

(WHISTLE)

Ooh!

Come on!

(WHISTLE)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(WHISTLE)

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

'I had to step up to keep
us in the game.'

(WHISTLE)

(TEAM CHEER)

What a penalty that was.

'The pressure was now on Mark.'

(WHISTLE)
Go on Mark.

'We had to score and it fell to Paul,

'a man who bleeds the blue and
white of Priory Hill.'

(WHISTLE)

(TEAM CHEER)

# UEFA Champions League
Anthem PLAYING #

Champions! Champions!

Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye!

(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)

(ALL CHANTING) Champions.

How's it been being back down here?

I've loved every minute of it,
Danny, I promise you.

Proper people, proper play,

I just loved it. It's brought back
so many great memories.

And you've made
a lot of people happy today

and I really appreciate
you coming down here.

Danny, you made me happy
inviting me down. Love you Dan.

You just nicked it.Nothing in it
was there?Thanks Harry.

Great game.
(TEAM CHEERING)

How we doing?

How are ya? How you doing?

(CHUCKLES) We used to play
at Chrisp Street Market.

Yeah. Chrisp Street Market.

Oh, my God, don't tell Sandra.

Don't tell Sandra.

How much money did the, er, residents
pay you for you to disallow our goal?

Maybe next year you'll do better.
Probably get a different ref.

Yeah, I don't blame you.

You will find when you
go back to your motor

that all of the windows have been
smashed to pieces,

and you've got no wheels left.
Brilliant.

But welcome to Leysdown.
Thank you very much.

Welcome to Leysdown. God bless you
son, go on, on your way, go on.

Cheers, mate.
On your way. Yeah.

Yeah. Fucking liberty.

Was a great finish as well.
Was a lovely finish.

Ball's on the move,
on the roll towards you.

I'm sure they had six players
when they equalised,

but again...Definitely.
..we'll wear it.

Everyone played well, again,
another good day,

hopefully it starts off a little
trend. We've got the pitch now.

Yeah.We've had fun,
everyone's got involved.

And I think no caravans
were damaged.Everyone seems happy.

Well what about Darren,
he's missed out.Who?

DANNY: 'Next time, we resuscitate
our cursed playground plans.'

Is there any hands on
here to grease?

Where's the cock area?

Uh, can't breathe.
Get me out of here.

'I finally get to investigate
the state of the Sheppey waters.'

I bet the sea ain't changed, is it?

Obviously there's more shit
in it now. Cheers.

'And as our first year on the
park comes to a close...'

I think I've took a lot
on this year.Yeah.

'..our future feels uncertain.'

So I can only really make
the decision, if you want us.

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