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That’s funny. That’s real funny.

Big Harry and Mike in the morning, talking about the new hit movie…

Great comedy. Starring…

and…

I saw the movie last night, Big Harry. It made me laugh so hard.

This movie is about a…

He’s suddenly all like…

Oh man, it’s great.

Big Harry and Mike in the morning. We’ll talk about it.

But let’s get to some music. The new Tween Wave band…

with their song…

Coming this fall to Fox CBS FX.

Jurassic Park and Lost in the same TV show.

Dinosaur.

Lost human.

Future yet…

Eat your waffles.

Shut up. You don’t know what you’re talking about.

I saw it on the news.

The school is gonna make us all get shots again.

But this time, so we don’t get warts in our vaginas.

Are you serious?

That’s only a vaccination for girls, stupid.

Then why are they saying it’s gonna make us all retarded?

Some people think vaccinations can give you autism or Asperger’s.

– What? – That’s what they’re talking about.

There’s a disease called Asperger’s?

You are so lying. There’s no fucking Asperger’s.

You wanna bet? Let’s go ask my dad right now.

You’re on, Jew.

And so, children, at noon today,

all the girls will go to the gymnasium for their vaccinations,

and boys will head on out to recess.

Do the girls get their shots right in the vagina?

That’s not how it works.

These three boys were caught playing hookey.

Did you know there’s actually a disease called Asperger’s?

Sit down, boys. We’ll talk about this later.

Right now, we’re talking about vaginal warts.

How can the school make us get vaccinated?

– Hamburgers grow in your butthole? – That right, it’s a butt fungus.

I don’t want burgers coming out of my butt.

God, shut up!

Everyone just shut the fuck up!

You got to try and pull yourself out of this.

I know that your parents recently got divorced.

That’s got to be hard. I know that’s bad.

But when you walk around all mopey,

and saying everything is just shitty,

that’s called being a Debbie Downer.

And nobody likes a Debbie Downer.

You got to snap out of it, Debbie.

Come on, Deb. You’re even bumming me out now.

Your attitude just sucks.

I just want everything to go back to the way it was.

That’s not gonna happen, Debbie.

You know, life has to change.

How?

When all the things that made you laugh,

just make you sick.

How do you go on when nothing makes you happy?

Excuse me a minute.

Miss Bronsky,

Did we vaccinate Stan Marsh for the flu last year?

We did?

I think he’s got Asperger’s.

This is Breaking News from CNN,

or Fox, or whatever, fuck you.

The first documented case of a child

developing Asperger’s syndrome from school vaccinations

has put the government in a tight spot.

At a press conference today, the media heard from the boy’s father,

Steamy Ray Vaughn.

It’s pretty shitty when you work so hard to be a great parent,

and then the government comes along and with one shot,

turns your child into a mentally incapacitated freak.

Look at him.

He’s disinterested, depressed, self-loathing.

It’s most likely the reason his mother and I got divorced.

In response to the embarrassment,

the president of the United States has passed Stan’s Bill,

putting an end to mandated school vaccinations.

The bill is ready.

Just sign right here, Mr. President.

And if you could sign this one as well?

It is yet unknown if any other children

have contracted Asperger’s from the vaccinations,

but if so, multimillion dollar lawsuits

are probably not far behind.

What is it this time?

Fever, lightheadedness. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

You don’t feel warm.

That’s a relief. I thought maybe I had a fever, but…

My buns. A sharp pain in my buns!

– Can you lay on your stomach? – I’ll try.

What the?

What is this? A hamburger?

A what?

Why are there hamburgers in your underwear?

Are you serious? How could there be…

Oh, my God! You’re saying I have ass burgers?

This doesn’t make sense. Are you trying to sneak food?

What are you talking about? I got vaccinated.

– And now clearly, I have ass burgers. – Very funny.

I’m glad you think it’s funny.

– Note my condition on your record. – Get out of my office.

Have you heard from Stan?

I tried. I’ve called him. I’ve been to his house.

But since his diagnosis, all he’s done is gotten worse.

I don’t know what to do. It’s like he’s completely turned off.

Those two should just screw and it over with.

I can’t keep doing it.

I know he’s ill, but God damn,

it’s like being around a black hole that sucks the life out of everything.

We should all go over to his house.

– That way, we could… – I can’t.

All his negativity is starting to make me depressed.

I have to let him go.

And whatever happens next, I’m going to embrace

with a totally positive attitude.

God damn stupid school nurse. Heartless bitch.

What’s the matter?

I spent all morning making hamburgers for nothing.

You made hamburgers? That’s awesome!

I’d love one.

– This is really good. – Really?

Raleigh, try this hamburger. Cartman made them himself.

What is that?

Seriously, you could make money with these.

We still know very little about Asperger’s syndrome.

All our patients here

show the same social awkwardness that your son exhibits.

– Good morning, Mr. Mathers. – Good bye, doctor.

It’s as if they can’t distinguish

what is socially acceptable and what is not.

We’ve got a new patient, Martin. I want you to meet Stan.

Nice to meet you.

Here at the treatment center, our focus is on awareness.

Asperger’s is serious, but unfortunately because of its name,

people think it’s a disease to be made fun of.

All right, everyone. Let’s have a seat.

We’ll be done at about 5 pm. I’ll call if it’s any earlier.

All right.

Good bye, Stan. I love you.

– Are we clear? – We’re clear.

Watch that window. Make sure this room isn’t bugged.

We don’t have a lot of time.

You’ve been told Asperger’s is real. It isn’t.

It’s just a front that we use to stay hidden.

– It’s not a real illness? – Of course not.

If there was such a disease, you wouldn’t call it Asperger’s.

That’s just mean.

There’s a big war going on out there.

We want you to join our fight to bring it all down.

We’re not doing this.

You’ve broken through their reality. They don’t like it.

Others deserve to know the truth. You see everything as shit, don’t you?

Where other people see fun movies and hear cool music,

all you see and hear is shit, right?

So do we. All of us here.

We know the truth too.

We found a way to make it stop.

Now, are you interested or not?

Next order, please. Get your Cartman Burgers here.

I just can’t believe how yummy these are.

There you go, and a bag of chips.

– How we doing on those patties, Jew? – Three minutes, fatass.

Nice.

We’re out of finished burgers again. We need more.

Another batch is just finishing up in our top secret flavor enhancer.

Come on.

Don’t you think we should get to see what the secret flavor enhancer is?

If we compromise our cooking process, our patented flavor will be everywhere.

And we’ll have to go back to school. Let me get those hamburgers.

These are good to go.

Is he ready to be sent in?

He’s ready. Beta levels are normal.

– Who are you people? – We’re the secret society of cynics.

Everything looks like shit to you, right?

What if I were to tell you,

that you’re seeing the world the way it actually is?

The world around us has all completely turned to shit,

but aliens are putting out a brain wave to keep people seeing a false reality.

– Aliens? – Or robots from the future, whatever.

The point is they keep everyone in a blissful state of ignorance.

Everything used to be cool, but now everything’s gone to shit,

and nobody knows except us.

Because of aliens?

Or genetically altered humans. Whatever. Fuck you.

All that matters is that you are the key to bringing this whole thing down.

They know who we are, but they won’t be expecting you.

Are you ready to go back into the illusionary world?

– I’m ready. – Let’s send him in.

Drink this.

Cool!

Jill, you got a date with Al Pacino?

I think Al Pacino wants to play Twister with your sister.

Adam Sandler’s funny.

You have a visitor.

I’m sorry.

I’ve been a shitty friend. I miss my buddy.

You were right. Adam Sandler is fucking hysterical.

– Are you all right? – I totally get it now.

I can see how lame I was, saying everything was shit.

Really? That’s great.

But it’s all shit, for reals.

Because of aliens with AI. You and me are gonna fuck it all.

– Have you been drinking? – You’re not listening to me.

We have to do this one thing, then everything can go back to normal.

It’s too late for that. Things just can’t go back.

I’m with Cartman Burger now.

Cartman Burger? Seriously? How shitty is that fucking concept?

There you go again. Look what you’ve become.

– Everything all right here? – It’s fine.

– We’re gonna need some more patties. – I’ll be right there.

This is about you and me, remember?

Things around here have changed.

Sometimes, the only way to keep going is to make a left turn.

Fuck you. You’re a piece of shit.

I love you.

You’re a piece of shit though. Fuck you.

I love you.

Big Harry and Mike in the morning.

In case you didn’t catch last episode, we’re breaking it down.

Right, we… right into the…

How about we…

He’s back.

– Did you see the illusionary world? – How was it to be back in the Matrix?

I feel like total shit.

That’s just your brain levels adjusting back to the real world.

Try and focus. We found them.

We know where the rock creatures are.

The rock creatures?

Or aliens or AI… dang. Whatever. Fuck you.

I can’t…

– I can’t do any… – He’s gonna pop.

Wake up. There’s not a lot of time left.

You’re pushing him too hard.

God.

You have to convince people they’re in a world of illusion.

We are sending you back in.

We all know why we are here.

There’s a rebellion in our midst, and it must be squashed out.

We have to put an end to Cartman Burgers.

– Yes! – What are we going to do?

At KFC, we’ve seen a 50% drop in sales.

It’s worse at Pizza Hut. They choked out the market.

What makes them so good?

These burgers satisfy the cravings for all of our restaurants.

There lies the secret.

It’s the chemical compound of all of our flavors.

Pizza Hut, Burger King, KFC, all somehow infused into one burger.

It’s as if he’s somehow taking all the ingredients of our food,

breaking them down into some kind of gas,

then somehow infusing that gas into his hamburger.

What kind of instrument could he be using to do this?

It would have to be some kind of super Dutch oven.

A Dutch oven with greater technology than we’ve ever seen.

Wake up. Come on, wake up.

Use the smelling salts.

Enchirito?

– You know the secret? – What? You guys are aliens?

Stop playing with us.

What’s the secret to Cartman Burger’s amazing taste?

– I don’t know. – He’s lying.

You see this kid in the picture?

This guy is his best friend.

We’re not friends.

They’ve been through everything together.

We don’t hang out anymore.

Right.

Like someone would just walk away from a friendship like that.

I didn’t walk away.

I turned 10, and everything he wanted to do seemed shitty, so I…

Sure, anyone would ditch out on their best friend,

because they weren’t feeling good.

Stop playing games and tell us why Cartman Burgers are so delicious.

I don’t know!

All right, I guess we’re gonna have to do this the hard way.

There’s ten mediums and five medium rares.

I’ll take these to the flavor enhancer.

Next, please.

You got to tell me the secret to Cartman Burger.

What are you doing?

– How do you make them so yummy? – I don’t know.

You better get him to tell you, or you’re getting shot in the head.

– You got that? – Just tell me the secret.

So that we lose our business and everything go back to old times?

Because there’s aliens with a sniper chicken on me.

God.

I know you got Asperger’s from the school,

but your negativity is poison to me.

Right.

Like a friend would walk out because of a serious illness.

I’m sorry I’ve been bumming you out. But it’s not my fault.

You said “fuck you” to my face.

I didn’t realize what I was saying.

Like any friend would say something that severe then try to take it back.

Look, I honestly don’t know the secret.

Only Cartman does, and that’s how it’s gonna work for us.

God damnit, this is getting us nowhere.

Everyone get back. You want to play hardball, that’s fine.

Let’s see this mighty machine once and for all.

You vampire sons of bitches!

All right, nice work.

Now comes the final step. You have to take out Duck President.

Just stop it. You people are so full of shit.

Looks like the serum is wearing off. You better take some more.

I’m done with that.

You have to take down the bad guys and go through a transformation

so that everything can go back to the way it was.

I don’t want everything to go back to the way it was!

I don’t.

You were right.

Sometimes, the only way to go forward is to take a big left turn.

I’ve been resisting it, but I’m ready now.

I want you to stay with Cartman Burger.

You’re gonna do this, and I’m gonna do my thing.

My mom and dad aren’t getting back together.

But you know what? It’s OK.

In fact, it’s better.

Change is gonna bring new things for all of us.

Where will Cartman go from here? That will be cool to see.

And it opens me up to new adventures,

exploring new relationships with all new people in town.

Maybe this kid will become my new best friend.

Or maybe this kid will.

Maybe it won’t be like before, but at least it will all be new.

And that’s what’s gonna make it so that I can keep going.

For the first time in a long time, I’m really excited.

Get in the car. Your mom and I are moving back in.

We worked it out, pal. Surprise!

No, Dad, no, please.

We talked a lot, and we know it’s what’s best for you kids…

I don’t know.

Sometimes, you gotta… left turn.

People get older.

And as you get older, you realize

the best thing to do is just stick with what you know.

You were sticking these in your ass?

That’s good. I like that.

Big Harry and Mike in the morning talking about Two and a Half Men.

I think Ashton Kutcher makes it the show to be seen.

What about that movie Dolphin Tale? I’m psyched for that.

Dolphin Tale. Big Harry and Mike in the morning.

Let’s hear the band Sledge Jammer, and their song…

We’re gonna go see the new Zookeeper movie.

Zookeeper 2: Zookeepier.

OK, coming.