Original subtitles

Hey, now, wait, wait, wait. Now let me check now.

How about, yeah, make it liverwurst on rye.

Nah nah, I hate liverwurst.

Yeah, how about roast beef on rye?

That's it, roast beef on rye and a cherry soda.

Yeah, make it cherry soda.

Address, yeah.

How about 377 Avenue A?

Avenue A, buddy.

Right.

What do you mean you don't deliver to this neighborhood?

Let me speak to Joey.

Yeah, to Joey.

They did?

To Joey?

The animals!

Yeah, hey. Hey!

Why you

Prima donnas, Lou.

They're all prima donnas.

We're on stakeout.

I told you 15 times to bring your lunch.

Would you, would you deliver to this neighborhood?

Hey, Lou, I grew up in this neighborhood.

Your wife make that, Lou? Yeah.

Eh, no, thanks, Lou.

Those were the golden tones of the soldier

singing that stakeout classic.

Kumbaya.

Now for my next number.

Wait, everything's going dark.

I, I can't see.

Oh, my God.

I'm blind.

Oh.

Jack Kelly, a former Marine and undercover agent,

was found dead today.

Cause of death, excessive masturbation

due to extreme boredom while waiting for a drug bust.

Kelly, known to his legions of fans as ''Soldier,''

first went blind,

then later completely lost his mind

as he yanked himself silly

while waiting for the neighborhood bad guys.

According to a superior, Lieutenant Louis Boulder,

this has been the third masturbation death

that struck the force this year.

More news later.

Hey, Lou, you know, you ask me,

this guy, got a few screws loose.

Hey, don't let this kid fool you.

I checked him out personally.

He is a Marine, one of the elite.

Yeah? Yeah.

He was hooked up with an outfit called ''Search and Destroy.''

Now what's that, Lou?

The Marines called them ''Snake Eaters.''

No shit.

Hey, you want some of this?

Nah, it goes right through me, Lou.

Yeah, it sure does.

You know, you gotta be one tough son of a bitch

to make it as a Snake Eater.

And from what I hear, this guy Kelly--

Yeah.

He was one of the best.

Tough, imaginative, and a real fighter.

So what happened, Lou?

What did he do?

Go off to war without his helmet on?

Oh, come on, Lou.

Oh, he's, he's just the rebellious type.

You know, doesn't like authority figures.

Yeah.

I think the Marines called it ''failure to adapt.''

Oh, that's great, Lou.

That's all we need.

You know how those,

those military stuffed shirts are.

What they consider a discipline problem,

we consider a good cop.

Yeah, well, I'll remember that

the next time I ask for a promotion, Lou.

Can I have a quarter for a cup of coffee?

Sure, take mine.

Well, thanks very much.

Yeah, that's disgusting, Lou.

We interrupt this program for a special report.

It seems our drug bustee has arrived.

Stay tuned, boys.

Well

Welcome to Club Paradise.

We're all out of food, beverage, and furniture,

but we have a fine selection of rodent and insect life.

Please come in.

All right, Soldier.

Strip.

On our first date?

No dinner, dancing, small talk?

What kind of animal do you think I am?

It's nothing personal.

I just wanna make sure you're not wired.

I'm not wired.

I haven't been near anything white in a week.

This stuff on my lip, it's baby powder.

Very funny.

Hey.

Strip, Soldier.

What's your game?

Well, maybe you've something to hide.

I ain't got nothing to hide.

How do I know you're not a cop?

I got an idea.

You and me are gonna play a little game.

You show me yours, I'll show you mine.

It's only fair.

That guy's gonna strip with a wire on.

Sounds like he's just trying to talk his way out.

The bra.

Your turn.

It's fallen off.

The pants, Soldier.

10 to one says he won't take his pants off.

I thought you'd never ask.

The underwear, Soldier.

What, you think I'm gonna hide a wire in my underwear?

Honey, it looks like you've got

the whole radio station there.

I'm clean.

It's too bad.

I like my men

dirty.

So, Lou, where the hell did he hide the wire?

I, I--

What next, Lou?

I think they're going to consummate the drug bust.

You mean they're gonna screw?

No, he's teaching her to make funny noises.

Hey, asswipe.

Come on, get up.

Hey, who's that, Lou?

Shh.

So, Chloe, you know these guys?

It's about time you got here.

That's it, the wedding's off.

Hey, baby, I see you really missed me.

I got a short attention span.

Okay, asswipe, hand over the cash,

and I won't blow your balls off,

although I should for screwing my girlfriend.

Looks like she already screwed you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, enough out of yous.

Got business to do.

You're not the only guy I'm gonna fuck over today.

Wait a minute.

You guys ain't got no drugs?

Yeah, I collected money.

I made promises, man.

You might as well pull the trigger and get it over with.

I'm dead.

Let's go.

Serves you right for doing business with a chick.

All right, the stash is in the other room.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You think I'm stupid, asswipe?

Go nice and slow.

We'll be right behind you.

Whoa.

Easy.

Come on, Soldier!

Get us off!

Picked that one up in Salvador, man.

I've been dying to try it.

I'll kill you!

Get me out of here!

Hey, Chloe.

Did I forget to tell you about the fire escape?

You'll pay for this, Soldier!

Come on, Soldier!

Get us off!

Hi, boys.

Care for a cigar?

I don't believe this, Lou.

This guy's crazy!

Get us outta here!

Oh, no, no, no.

What did you go and do this for?

Uh, I wanted to make sure they'd stick around.

How am I gonna explain this one to the DA?

First, you go and bop some broad

you're supposed to making a buy from.

Then you spike these guys

when we got them dead to rights.

I ain't got a drug bust.

I got two guys with holes in their feet.

Let me tell you something,

these two clowns are gonna be out on the street

before you can put your cock back in your pants.

Maybe I should have used this.

Wow, Lou. Jesus.

You're a fucking menace to society.

The Marines are right, you can't take orders.

You're an oddball.

No, you're some kind of nutcase.

Turn in your badge, you're on suspension.

Does this mean I don't get to ride in the car

with the little red light on top anymore?

Get the hell out of my sight!

Don't forget about the chick on the fire escape.

She's out here, Lou.

Hey, Soldier.

Listen, there's one thing I gotta know.

Where did you hide the wire?

Well, I'll be damned.

Why?

I think it's about time our daughter put some clothing on.

Jennifer?

Jennifer, time to get dressed!

Never mind, dear.

She can't hear you with the music blaring.

It's getting cold out there.

I'm gonna go in and get changed, okay?

What do you think it is?

It could be a log. Who knows?

Harold, this place is giving me the creeps.

Relax, Dorothy, we're on vacation.

I know, but maybe we should head back down the river

and spend the night in town.

We wouldn't get there before morning, anyway.

It's just flooded.

I'll have us out of here in a jiffy.

Well, I guess I'd better look after dinner.

Jennifer.

Very funny, Jennifer.

Give me the screwdriver, will you?

The name's Junior.

Welcome to my neighborhood.

Hello, neighbor.

Hey, don't worry about us.

We only look ugly.

Inside, we're a warm and friendly bunch.

So what do you say we spend a little time together

and get warm and friendly?

What do you say?

What do you say, you slimy scum sucking piece of shit?

You wanna be friends?

Boys, the man says to make ourselves at home.

I think he likes us.

So, Clyde, why don't you get acquainted

with our new neighbor

while your brother and I look around?

Evening, ma'am.

Smells real good.

Tastes good, too.

Here, Slim, it's pig's meat.

What do you want? Just visiting, ma'am.

Where's my husband?

Your husband?

Oh, yeah.

He's a real swell guy.

He's outside with cousin Clyde right now.

You make this?

Boy, it's good.

Last time we had pig meat like this,

was when we dropped in on that family from Detroit

right before they had that tragic accident.

I liked them, Junior.

Yeah.

They were real nice people.

Damn shame.

If I give you something to eat, will you leave?

Well, that's real nice of you, ma'am.

You hear that, Slim?

The little lady invited us to dinner.

You wouldn't happen to be from Detroit?

No.

Slim, what's the matter with you?

Show your appreciation to this nice lady from Detroit.

Sorry, ma'am.

My cousin Slim hasn't had any formal education.

Mmm.

I think I'll have a look around.

Jennifer!

Your dream man is here.

And he's come to change your life.

Who are you?

What do you want?

Just a warm and friendly neighbor

looking to get warm and friendly.

You gonna give me trouble?

Go ahead, I like trouble.

It makes me hot.

You hear that?

Hot.

Go ahead, make a run for it.

I haven't chased a good piece of tail all day.

Shit, no spunk.

Better come with me now.

It's getting late and I don't want your daddy to worry.

Wow, she's got hair and everything!

Can we take her home?

This here is some prime pussy.

Take her out to the boat

and we'll say good-bye to the family.

I wanna thank you for a real awesome evening.

I hope we haven't overstayed our welcome.

I'm gonna round up the boys now and we'll say good-bye.

Don't be a stranger.

Slim, time to go.

Come on, move it!

You know, I can't remember when I had this much fun.

And you're a real terrific cook.

But I do have one small suggestion.

You gotta spice up your food.

What's that you making there?

It's just water for the corn.

No.

Why don't we make some soup?

What do you think?

Maybe we should add some flavor.

How about salt?

You got salt?

If you don't got salt, the human flesh has plenty of salt,

especially when it sweats.

Hey, looks like you're sweating.

Mmm.

You got plenty of salt.

I got an idea.

Why don't we just--

Nah, maybe it'd just be easier to use this salt.

Something still ain't right.

Shit, I know what's wrong.

There's no meat in this soup.

And I like meat in my soup.

Please.

No.

I think I'll just forget about the soup and head on home.

Hey, wait.

I know a real tasty meat.

Limp meat!

No!

Hey, Soldier honey, next time use the door, okay?

Yeah, I always wondered what those things

with the little knobs are for.

Thank you.

What's up? Hey.

What do you want, honey?

Let me have a burger, fries, and a cold shower.

Coming right up.

Already is, sweetheart.

Already is.

Who is that gorilla?

They call him ''The Dentist.''

I hear he's from out west.

Got a rep for being tough and scrap.

Ain't afraid to do time, either.

Good brawler, huh?

Yeah, good and dirty.

He likes to take souvenirs.

Thirsty?

How about a drink?

So this is what happens when you breed

a human with a tree.

I think I pissed him off.

I pissed him off, all right.

What do you think?

Should we give Soldier a hand?

Let the kid get a working.

Open your mouth and say--

How about a slice?

Come on up, big guy.

Is that all you got?

Payback, is it guys?

Payback time.

Say, ''Ah.''

There's another one for your collection.

Lydia, brewski.

Ah, thanks, doll.

Oh, Murphy.

Let me guess.

They just passed a law prohibiting

throwing beer bottles at scumbags in bars, right?

And I'm under arrest for violating

this scumbag's civil rights.

Easy, Soldier.

I just wanna talk to you.

I've got bad news.

What the heck, it's the story of my life.

Your family was in a boating accident,

and I'm sorry, Soldier.

Looks like there was no survivors.

It happened up north of Branford on the river

and we need you to identify the bodies.

Shut up, Sissy.

You'll feed whoever I tell you to

or I'll whip your ass.

Junior says you gotta eat.

No, thank you.

Junior says you gotta eat,

'cause if you don't eat, I get my hide whipped.

Come on.

It's good.

They told us not to eat the fish up here

because of the pollution.

Are you kidding?

We've been eating them for years.

Ain't nothing wrong with us.

I'm just not hungry.

Junior says you gotta eat.

But if you're not hungry,

I'll just tell him you made a run for it

and I had to slit your throat.

Cry baby.

Junior don't like cry babies.

Junior's having a fit.

You better get back up to the house and make him dinner.

Hey.

That your hog?

Yep. No, thanks.

Oh, it looks like somebody's had her down a few times.

Heh heh.

How come you ain't wearin' no colors?

I'm independent.

Riding independent, huh? Yeah.

Oh, not me.

I used to ride with the Vandals of Frisco back in '55.

You heard of them? Yep.

We were the original outlaw bikers.

None of that fairy farting weekend cruising shit,

like the kids do today.

Man, I had me a hog chopper.

God, it was, stripped down a Harley,

I had the monkey bars, extended front forks.

Yeah, anyway, the name is King.

What can I do for you?

You rented my family a houseboat, Kelly.

Kelly, Kelly.

Oh, man, kid, sorry about your family, man.

Tragedy.

A real goddamn tragedy.

What the hell kind of death trap did you rent them anyway?

I know you're grieving, boy,

so I'm just gonna ignore that last statement.

I may look like a broken down old fart to you,

but I'll have you know my fleet is in tip-top shape.

Well then, what the hell happened, man?

I don't know.

It could have been a match at the gas tank,

could have been the stove, it could have been anything.

You talk with the sheriff?

They haven't found my sister yet.

So I'm gonna go up north and look for her.

Maybe those boys can help you.

It happened up near their place.

Who in the hell could that be?

I'll be right back.

The old man said you could help me out

with some information about my family.

Do I know you?

Uh, no. Name's Kelly.

My sister disappeared in a boating accident

up near your place.

We told the law everything we know.

We ain't got nothing else to say.

Now, hold on a second.

She may still be alive.

Take a look at this.

Nice piece of ass, heh heh heh.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, you be sure and tell me if you find this girl.

I can always use a nice piece of ass.

Yee-haw!

Ride him, cowboy, yee-haw!

Nice, who does your hair? Ugh!

Hurt me, I'll kill you!

Hold him while I stick him, Clyde.

Stick him, Slim, stick him! Yee haw!

Stick this, you scumbags!

Whoa!

Get out of here

or I'll blow your asses off the goddamn dock.

Yes, sir!

Old King showed those boys how to rumble.

How long have you been awake?

A little while.

Where am I?

My place.

Who are you?

I'm the one that saved your life.

Oh, yeah?

King, my old man, runs the marina downstairs.

Ugh.

You got a name?

Yeah.

But around here they just call me ''The Kid.''

What do they call you?

Soldier.

So tell me, what happened?

We spent an incredible night together.

Yeah?

Did the Earth move?

Don't flatter yourself, stud.

You've only been out 10-15 minutes.

After those boys kicked your ass,

I had to go out and kick theirs.

You must be a lot of fun on a date.

Yeah.

Those mutants know a lot more than they're saying.

So you're gonna head up north and check it out, huh?

Yeah.

Well, there's nothing but river for 70 miles.

So we'll get a boat.

Can you get me a boat?

No problem.

But you don't look like you're in any shape.

I can take care of myself.

Oh, yeah, I've seen you in action.

I didn't get much sleep last night.

I'm gonna take a nap.

Wake me up in five minutes, okay?

Five minutes.

Yeah, sure, five minutes.

We ain't got no fancy shower or nothing,

but you can wash up if you want.

Got something in mind, Squirt?

I was just gonna fool around a little.

I wasn't gonna hurt her or nothing.

She's mine.

Now get out of here before I whip your ugly hide.

Come on, move your ass!

It's time to meet Junior,

and his best friend, Junior Jr.

You crazy bitch! Junior!

We got trouble!

I'll care of you later, Sissy.

Now get the hell out of here!

Yeah.

Nice piece of work.

Yeah.

The old man's still got something left.

A guy like Soldier

will really respect a machine like this.

Whatever you say, Pop.

How you feeling?

Much better, thanks.

I needed to catch up on some rest, I guess.

Catch up?

You've been out cold since yesterday.

Yeah, well, you gotta get it when you can, right?

Hey, listen, King, I got to stop into town for some supplies

before I head upriver tomorrow.

Where's my bike?

Um, I got mine all shined up, fixed up.

Why don't you use my bike? Your bike?

What's wrong with my bike?

Well, ain't nothing wrong with it, exactly.

We had a small problem with the wheels.

You trying to tell me somebody stole my wheels?

No, no, no, calm down now.

No one actually stole 'em.

It's just that

we gave them a few days off.

What the hell are you talking about?

My bike?

What did you do to my bike?

My Harley.

You expect me to ride this,

this thing?

You'll thank me for it.

What are we gonna do with the girl, Junior?

I don't know.

Maybe kill her?

Kill her, can I do it?

I say we kill her.

Maybe I'll breed her, and make a super Junior baby.

I got the good juice.

Your juice's already gone sour, Junior.

That's how come you can't give me a baby.

Shut up!

Ain't nothin' wrong with me, it's you.

It's not.

I'll show you with the girl.

She'll give me a baby.

Maybe I should breed the girl.

We got enough ugly blood runnin' around here.

You keep your hands to yourself.

He already did.

That's how come his pants was wet down there

the other day. Was not.

It was wet, alright.

Was not!

I saw him diddling his fiddle.

It was not!

I was saving it for the girl.

Nobody does nothing around here.

I ain't decided what I'm gonna do with the girl yet,

but I don't want none of you slimes making her fat.

Junior is my man.

You keep your hands off him.

Or maybe you won't be such a looker for long.

What if the brother comes snooping around?

Yeah, Junior, it ain't such a good idea

having that girl around.

Nah, it's no trouble at all.

Brother shows his face and,

and he'll have a little accident, too.

The bear is getting mighty restless.

Hey, what you got in there?

Calcium and gravel.

What are you gonna do with that?

Make bombs.

Watch.

Stand back now.

Yeah, really packs a punch, doesn't it?

Whoa!

You must be a lot of fun in a bathtub.

Try to stay out of trouble.

I might not be around to save your ass next time.

Hey.

This your rifle?

Yeah, I thought you might be needing it.

We heard there's a badass bear up there in the woods,

and several weeks back,

we found a camper up there clawed to death,

so you be careful.

I don't know what to say.

I can't thank you enough, man.

Wish I was going with you.

I could be your bodyguard.

Don't laugh.

I can kill a man with this hand

and I'm scared of this son of a bitch myself.

Hey, and don't eat the fish!

Bath time.

Hey there.

I hope you're hungry,

'cause I come especially for you.

It tastes good.

I know you're gonna like it.

You're gonna like the way he feels,

and I just know he's gonna like the way you feel.

Please.

Please don't, no.

No, please don't.

Don't.

You better eat it,

or he'll eat you.

Junior, guess what?

Shut up and get out of here.

But, Junior, I got something--

I said get out of here!

But, Junior!

Guess who hit the log trap?

Who hit the log trap?

Let me tell him, Slim.

No, I wanted to tell him, Eli.

You're too stupid to tell anything!

I am not!

Who hit the log trap?

He hit it and went bam!

He went flying through the air like some kind of fish.

Who, damn it?

Fish don't fly!

Some do, ain't that right, Junior?

For Christ's sake,

who are you two featherbrains talking about?

Junior, let's go back and finish him off!

Who? Kaboom!

Yeah, kaboom!

I'll blow his head right off!

You worthless piece of shit!

Ow!

Who the hell are you talking about?

Who hit the goddamn log trap?

It was the brother.

He hit it just like his daddy.

Ah.

Tonight, big brother is gonna meet the bear.

Soldier,

I've been laying low too goddamn long, boy.

I will show you how to rumble.

If I could just find you.

Is that you, Soldier?

You can't keep old King down, boy.

I'd whip enough piss out of them

to scald a goddamn hog, man.

Oh, God, ugh!

You talk too much, King!

You old drunk!

You make a good bear, Junior.

Come on, Junior, let me swipe him.

Ooh, the bear's back tonight!

Dump him in the water and leave his boat here.

Poor old man fell asleep drunk as a skunk.

And the bear got him and dumped him in the river.

Damn shame.

Heh heh.

Now let's go get big brother.

Slim, you come with me.

Eli, Clyde, up there.

Dead bush.

City boy don't know dick about man trapping.

He must think we're stupid to go that way.

Soldier!

King!

It's me, Kid.

King, where are you?

Oh, shit.

Get the hell off!

Come on out, big man!

What's the matter, are you a chicken?

You afraid?

Cock-a-doodle-do!

Get your ass out here or I'll slice up the little girl!

I don't need a blade to whip your ass, man.

Why don't you let go of the girl

and you and me can settle this one-on-one?

What do you say?

Just shut up or I'll kill her!

Don't listen to him, Clyde!

He's trying to trick you.

And then I'll go back, and I'll kill your sister.

We got her at the house, you know.

She's a real nice piece of ass.

Ain't that right, Junior?

Oh, you bitch.

Hey, what's the matter?

We all know you ain't got no hair,

but don't tell me you ain't got no balls, either.

Come on, chicken, let's go.

Shut up or I'll kill her!

You're not gonna kill anybody.

You know why?

Because you're a chicken shit.

That's right.

You're a chicken shit, baldy.

Shut up!

Stop!

Oh, yeah.

See who's chicken now, Junior?

Junior!

They got Clyde!

Help, get me down from here!

Whoa.

Where you going?

Party is just getting started.

Why don't we let the bear at 'em, Junior?

No, bear has done his work for tonight.

Those two,

they ran away from the bear.

What do you mean?

Few days,

and those bags will suck the water

right out of their bodies.

They'll die of thirst.

Then we'll cut them down, take them out of the bags

and drag them deep into the woods.

They'll look like they ran away from the bear,

got lost, couldn't find no water.

Won't be a mark on them.

It's better than they deserve.

Hey, big man!

Let me leave you with this thought.

I'm gonna go back and screw your sister.

Junior got his woman.

Now I got mine, heh heh heh.

If you're any good, there'll be more of that.

I may do it twice.

I'm sorry.

I guess I really screwed things up.

Look,

things were messed up

long time before you showed up.

Okay, so forget about it.

We made it.

It's gonna be okay.

We'll be all right.

Oh no.

Oh God, no no, it's King!

Shh.

I want those assholes as much as you do,

but we gotta keep it together.

Okay?

We gotta stay strong.

Take King, take the boat,

go downstream and get the sheriff.

I'm gonna stay here with you.

No.

I gotta work alone.

Come on. Okay.

Anyone seen Slim?

Nope.

Me neither.

Well, his boat's gone.

Dimwit must have gone downriver to fool with the girl.

Get off your asses!

Eli, ready the boats, we're going after him.

Jesse, go get the guns.

Sissy, get the hell out of here.

Don't worry, sis.

I'm not gonna touch you now.

First, I'm gonna take a little boat ride

and watch your brother die.

I'm gonna cut out his heart

and bring it back to you as a welcome gift,

'cause you're Junior's girl now.

That's right, you're mine.

All mine.

See that door?

It's locked.

It better be locked when I get back.

I don't want you coming in and I don't want her coming out.

You got that?

Yes, Junior.

Take this.

A stranger, that means any stranger, sets foot on our land,

you shoot to kill.

You got that?

Yes, Junior.

Just be sure you do.

Fuck up and I'll kill you, too.

There it is!

Slim's boat!

Damn fool.

I told him not to come snooping around here.

Let's bring him home.

There's no sign of their boats.

We better go after them.

They'll get the sheriff.

No way.

Big brother knows we got his sister.

He'll be coming after her.

Besides, that man don't want no part of the law.

He murdered two of your brothers.

He'd be in more trouble than all of us.

It was the bear that killed the old man.

Eli, take Slim upriver.

Jesse.

That useless scum sucking piece of shit trapped him!

Jesse, go take Slim's boat.

We're gonna get your Uncle Joe and his boys.

No more games!

We're gonna find him and we're gonna kill him!

I'm gonna kill you.

Junior said if I come in here, he's gonna kill me.

But I don't care 'cause I'm gonna kill you.

I hate you.

You're dead, bitch.

Argh!

Junior said to kill strangers.

Ugh!

Soldier.

Soldier!

Oh, God.

Hand me my, give my gun.

Ugh!

I'm gonna get those bastards.

You stay here.

Cover me, Joe.

Hold this, sister.

There ain't nobody coulda lived through that.

Let's go slow and careful.

Open the door.

Aargh!

I'll get him, Junior!

No, Jesse.

Stand up.

Jesse!

Ugh!

Oh, come on, Lou.

Ah.

Say, anybody got a quarter for a cup of coffee?

Hey, take mine, it's nice and fresh.

Thanks.

Hey, wait a second.

I remember you guys.

You got me last time, but you won't fool me again.

This time I brought my own sugar.

So, Lou, what have we got going today?

You don't ever pay attention in the briefings, do you?

I got to do your work for you all the time.

Oh, come on, Lou, don't bust my chops.

Yeah, I was typing a report.

Yeah, yeah.

Well, it seems there's a firebug working with the landlord,

some guy named Torchy.

Yeah, so who do we got in there?

Kumbaya, my Lord

Kumbaya, oh, Lord Kumbaya

Those are the golden songs of your favorite rookie cop,

Soldier, reinstated

due to the diligent efforts of that great cop,

the humanitarian Lieutenant Detective Louis Boulder.

Well, this law enforcement officer is happy to report

that from now on he's doing things strictly by the book.

That's right, no more funny stuff.

In the unlikely event that I should need your assistance,

I will once again call and open up communications.

Until then, stay tuned to your favorite station.

You missed a spot! Huh?

You're under arrest, bug man.

Ha ha ha, oh yeah, under arrest, huh?

Yeah?

Hey, for what?

Attempted arson. I'm the exterminator, man.

You got your cockroaches all over this place.

What, suddenly it's against the law

to kill a bug while having a smoke?

Stop that. Okay.

You mean, that stuff you're spraying doesn't burn?

Hey, come on, come on, come on, man.

It's just bug juice.

Let's talk.

Okay, if you want to, we can do that.

Comfortable?

I thought we were gonna talk.

This is not what I call talking.

This is what I call tying me up!

Hey, come on, what's the matter with you?

You got lockjaw, jeez.

Let me get this straight.

You're telling me I got the wrong man?

Yeah, that's right.

You're not an arsonist?

You said it, man.

It's a case of mistaken identity?

Yeah, yeah, right, right.

Jeez, I can't believe this.

What, are you some kind of pervert?

That's funny? Yeah, yeah.

You some kind of pervert?

I love that look.

I'm gonna do a little experiment.

What the hell are you talking about?

What the hell are you doing, man?

What a shame it would be if the exterminator's bug juice

should happen to turn him into a human torch,

just because I mistook him for an arsonist.

What a pity.

Yeah, it'd be a real injustice, man.

Can I borrow this?

Hey, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Come on, wait now.

I love these things.

Now,

listen up, man.

This is like a lesson in life, okay?

What?

There's good news and there's bad news.

The good news is that if you're the bug man,

when this thing stops swinging, you'll still be breathing.

The bad news is, however, if you're lying,

you die, man.

You're toast.

You're a crispy cockroach killer.

Either way I don't care, cause I'll be long gone.

So I'll see you around, maybe.

Hey!

Hey, hey, come on, where you going?

I'm a cop, okay?

I'm gonna go do cop things now, like catch bad guys.

I don't have time to waste with the exterminators.

Hey, I'm not an exterminator!

I would never hurt a bug!

I'm a bad guy!

I'm your man!

Hey, what?

You want it in writing?

I swear, I came here to,

I came here to burn this place to the ground,

yeah, okay?

Come on, I confess!

Okay, boys, come on in.

I think we got our man.

Hurry!

Oh, look, this is getting close.

Hurry!

This guy is crazy!

He's torched the fire on me!

Help, help!

We got a nice clean collar.