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(easygoing country music)

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(upbeat jazzy music)

(gun bangs)

(gun bangs)

(gun bangs)

(upbeat jazzy music continues)

- Melanie?

Oh, Melanie?

(gentle romantic music)

Melanie!

Melanie!

Melanie!

Melanie, come on out here.

- What are you yelling your head off for?

I ain't hard of hearing.

- You go get that jackass unloaded

and tote them vittles into the house, will ya?

- Now that's a sweet idea.

You listen here, Buford Anchors.

I've done all the heavy lifting

I'm gonna do around here.

- Now you listen, honey,

don't you go talking like a fool.

Ain't you forgetting

you gotta do like I tell ya?

You just get that stuff off that poor animal

before it breaks its back.

- I'm telling you again,

I ain't gonna do it.

I've had it up to here.

At first I thought maybe you was a good guy,

but you're nothing.

You hear me? Nothing!

And I'm gettin' out of here.

(sultry music)

- Doggone it.

You just can't be good to a woman.

(pots clattering)

(Melanie sighs)

(pots clattering)

- Pa!

Pa, did you fetch your hog feed from the store?

- It's on ol' Creeper there.

- Well tow it over here.

It's near feeding time.

- Chub, you just get your lazy behind over here.

- Oh.

- Now, you get that feedin' stuff

and put 'em where they belongs.

- Oh Pa, my back's hurting something fierce.

- You're backs a-hurtin'? It ain't from work.

Now you unload that mule and be quick about it

or I'll tan your hide big as you are.

- Oh, all right, Pa.

- What's eatin' you, woman?

- You and me's gonna have a showdown right now.

- Dang it all, Melanie.

You been pluckin' a chicken in here?

- Now don't you put me off.

I am leaving you as soon as I get my money from you.

- Ooh, now where you aimin' to go?

You've been safe from the law here

and I still got your money put away.

So why go asking for trouble?

- I ain't askin' for trouble.

I'm askin' for my money and you better have it.

Don't let me get meaner than I feel.

- Lordie, sugar, I told you

I got it put away for you real good.

- Get me that money!

- Well now, I never reckoned you

for a flighty woman, no siree.

But if you're figuring to light out of here

and go back to workin' them carnivals again,

the law's gonna get its hands

on that pretty neck of yours for sure.

Ain't you forgetting I seen you

shoot that strongman right in his carnival tent?

You can't be sure you didn't croak that big jughead.

- Well, you didn't wait to let me see,

but you ain't scaring me, buddy.

I've been here most a year

and we ain't heard nothing from nobody.

- Well now, just 'cause the law ain't been around

don't mean they ain't lookin' for you anymore.

They just ain't lookin' here.

You know why, sugar?

'Cause it don't figure for a fancy gal like you

to hole up on a miserable shanty boat like this

with a poor ol' river rat like me.

Of course, I knowed I was no prize for you,

but well, I did kinda hoped

that you'd be grateful for the sanctuary I give ya.

- Thanks for nothing.

I ain't forgettin' you said you'd marry me

if I let you keep that money.

- Well now, by gravy Melanie, I'm plum ashamed.

What, with this and that it just kinda slipped my mind.

- I know you figured just as long

as you got me anyhow, you don't have to marry me.

- Now sugar, you know that ain't it at all.

- Then what is it?

- Well it,

it like I told you,

I got so many things to do.

I gotta go sell a fur,

and then I gotta catch fish from the river,

and then sometimes I gotta take 'em

to the market and sell 'em.

Then I gotta watch the river.

Ain't I find you lots of things floating there?

I mean, you wouldn't even have a bathtub

if I hadn't found it floatin' one day.

- Oh, that's just wonderful.

- I figured it would be.

Oh, honest, sugar,

it ain't like I didn't marry you on purpose.

- No, you never do nothing on purpose.

You didn't make me sick on purpose either.

- Honey, you sick?

- Yeah, I'm dizzy as hell

and I'm gonna have a baby.

(gentle romantic music)

- A what?

- A B-A-B-B-Y.

Baby.

- Well, now I know why you've been so ornery.

Aw, honey, you gotta stay now

and be took care of.

We gotta give that little critter an honest name.

(corn thudding)

Dang it all.

What in tarnation you doin' there, Chub?

- Shucks, Pa.

I just brought the stuff like you told me.

- Oh yeah, that's right.

Son, you know, I got some news for ya.

Me and Melanie's gonna get married.

- Huh?

Why? Whatcha gotta do that for, Pa?

- Why?

Because, you chowder head,

we're gonna have a kid, that's why.

- You don't mean it, Pa.

- Well, I wish I didn't but,

you go on over to Mud Cat and find that preacher.

We gotta make this hitchin' legal.

- But Pa- - Go one now, will ya,

and get going right now! - Pa!

- If you see your brother Rafe,

send him home right away, will ya?

- Pa?

I ain't never mentioned it before

but ain't you promised me some money?

Been almost a year now.

- [Buford] Thought I saw a chicken on yonder there.

- Pa.

- Yeah, I guess you done us some work around.

I reckon I told you I'd give you something.

- Uh-huh.

You said it'd be $100.

- More likely it was $50

but don't crowd me, boy.

One thing at a time.

Wait'll I get took care of Melanie first.

- But I earned it, Pa,

and I got it coming.

- Now, you still got it comin', son,

but just now you get after that preacher

before he moves to the next parish, will ya?

Now go on.

- Hi, Chub.

What are you doin'?

- Oh, Pa wants me to go fetch a preacher.

- A preacher? What for?

- Him and Melanie's gonna get hitched.

- Well, that beats all.

Has Pa gone crazy?

- Nope.

Melanie's gonna have a baby.

- I wonder who's?

- Now don't talk like that.

- Well I can think like that.

- I know what you're thinkin'.

But you better not think what you're thinkin'

if you don't wanna have trouble.

(upbeat music)

- Bless you, brother.

Bless you, sister.

Thank you for coming.

Lord be with you.

Bless you. Thank you for coming.

Hallelujah, brother.

Thank you for coming.

Bless you both.

- I liked your sermon ever so much, Preacher.

- Well, I'm glad you liked

my little message of truth and light.

If it purifies your soul,

I feel richly rewarded.

- Preacher, your collection basket passed me by.

I'd like to give a little donation

for the good cause.

- No, no.

This one's on the house.

I mean, it's on me.

Hope I'll be seein' you

at all my meetin's, my dear, will I?

- Yes, Preacher. Bye.

- Bye-bye.

Oh, I'm sorry you're a little late

to be saved today, young man.

- I come to ask you to make a marriage.

- Oh, well then you come to the right place.

Where's your blushing bride?

- No, not me. My Pa.

He wants you to come and marry him.

- Marry who?

- My pa.

He wants to get married.

- To your ma?

- No, to that woman that lives with us.

- Well it sounds a little complicated, young man.

Why don't you come on inside

and I'll ask heaven to help you explain it to me.

- Okay.

(bright spirited music)

- Honey Bee!

- What, Pa?

- Where in hell's fire are you goin'

lookin' like September Morn?

- Who's that, Pa?

- Oh, I seen her in a calendar once when I was a kid

and I ain't never forgot her.

She looked like an occasion of sin

and that's what you look like right now

in that skimpy getup.

What have I got to do

to keep you from evil, girl?

- Why, nothing, Pa.

I'm just going out to the shower bath

to get clean like.

I got sweated up working around here.

- Working around what?

I ain't seen you do a dang thing around here

the whole live long day.

- I did too work, Pa.

I bet I done 20 chores

while you was over at Burley's store selling moon.

- Yeah, I was gone a spell, wasn't I?

Honey Bee!

You wait here.

(bright playful music)

All right, you can come out now.

Go take your shower.

I had an idea that no good sneaking river rat Rafe Anchors

might've been playing peeping Tom around here.

- I ain't seen Rafe all day.

- And you better not no time never no more.

I'ma telling you, daughter,

if'n I catch you and him walkin' in the woods one more time,

I'll fill his backside so full of buckshot,

he'll drown if'n he falls in the river.

- But Pa, how am I ever gonna get married

if you don't let no boy come a courtin' me?

- Courtin' and a wooin' brings dallying and doin'.

I don't aim for you to have

no woods colt by that dirty river trash.

- But Pa, I'm getting.

I'm just a itchin' to get married.

- I know you're a itchin' Honey Bee,

but there's more to marriage than four legs in a bed.

Now you get yourself washed right quick

and cover your hide decent.

(bright playful music)

- Hey!

Hi, Honey Bee.

- Oh, hi, Rafe.

Don't come no closer.

- I gotta talk to you.

But I gotta talk to you.

- Oh well then, all right.

But close your eyes.

- Well gosh, if'n I close my eyes,

how can I see where I'm goin'?

- Oh, well then open one eye.

- [Silas] Honey Bee, who you got there?

- Run, honey. Pa's comin'.

- I wanna talk to your Pa.

There's something I wanna ask him.

- Ain't no use. He'll kill ya.

Run, honey.

I'll see ya later at the same place.

- All right.

(easygoing music)

- Who's there?

Who you a talkin' to?

- [Honey Bee] I was just talkin' to myself kind of like.

- You sure nobody was talkin' to you?

- Yeah.

- Dang it, girl.

Get out of there and get in the house, hear?

- All right, Pa.

Just wait'll I get some clothes on.

(bright spirited music)

(gun bangs)

(gun bangs)

- You dirty river rat!

I'll get you the next time,

wherever you go.

You get in the house and get to cookin'.

- All right, Pa.

- You sure that preacher Perkins

knows where to come now?

- Like I told you, Pa,

preacher said he'd be here tomorrow

to fix up about the wedding.

- Uh-huh.

- Melanie says she's gonna lie down.

She don't feel so good.

- She gonna feel worse

when that kid starts kickin'.

I better go and see her.

- Pa's an old fool.

- No he ain't, sis.

He's a old fox.

- If he's so smart, why does he wanna marry Melanie

when he don't have to?

Why, she's nothing but a common sportin' woman.

- Whatcha mean, Luc?

- Rafe told me all about her.

He was along when Pa got her in New Orleans.

- Tell me about it. Tell me about it.

- (chuckles) Ask Rafe.

I don't trust her a minute.

Matter of fact, I hate her guts.

- Shh.

What's the matter with you?

Pa'll womp your tail if he hears you talkin' like that.

Besides, he says she makes him feel young.

- Ha!

That must take a powerful lot of doin'.

- She's a powerful lot of woman.

- Hmm.

You oughta know.

- Hey ya, sis.

What you tryin' to make out about me?

(Lucianne laughs)

- Well, I gotta go finish tidying up in the kitchen.

(easygoing country music)

- I was worried you wouldn't come.

How'd you get away from your pa?

- I sneaked out when he went to check his liquor still.

(both laugh)

What was it that especially wanted to tell Pa, Rafe?

- First, I gotta be sure you like me

better than you did my brother.

And I ain't forgettin' you used to be sweet on Chub.

- That was before I got to know you.

- Yeah well you know Chub awful good

to hear him tell it.

I hope he's a dirty liar.

- Are you jealous?

Real, real, real jealous?

- No, no I ain't jealous.

I just know I could kill Chub this minute.

- That means you care for me a powerful lot

don't it, honey?

- It means I don't want you loving Chub

or walking in the woods with him

or anybody else.

Except me, of course.

- Only with you, Rafe, honey.

Only with you.

It's nice here and kinda cozy.

Let's sit a spell.

(romantic music)

(Rafe sighs)

- You taste just like wild strawberries.

- I love you something awful, Rafe.

If only we could get married.

Then we wouldn't have to hide and sneak from Pa.

He couldn't say we were sinning then.

- Yeah, sugar, well that's what

I've been trying to tell your pa.

Only I can't get close enough to talk to him about it.

He's so dang touchy.

- It's no use. I've tried and tried.

It's like talking to a stone wall.

- I can't figure why he's so set again' us river folk.

We ain't got nothing again' him.

- I don't know.

Pa makes me feel so bad

I could just run away and never come back.

- Honey Bee, I've been thinking.

I know a way we can both get away from here.

All I've got to do is get my hands

on a big roll of cash my pa's got hid someplace.

Then we could get married.

I might even go to school.

What do you think about that, sugar?

- I couldn't let you do that, Rafe.

That'd be stealing.

- Oh, shucks.

It's for a good cause, ain't it?

Anyhow, Pa stole it from Melanie.

Melanie stole it from some-

- My pa says you Anchors is all thieves.

I don't want you to be, Rafe.

(romantic music continues)

(Rafe giggles)

- You sure are strong for a girl.

- Kiss me like you mean it, honey.

(suspenseful music)

(bright spirited music)

Pa, over there behind you.

Pa.

(gun bangs)

(gun bangs)

- You harlot!

- No, Pa, no!

We was just talkin' about bein' married.

- Don't you lie to me.

You was playin' like you already was.

Who was it, Chub Anchors

or that skinny pants Rafe?

- I ain't gonna tell!

- You'll tell, girl,

when I get you home and you get a whoopin' you never forget.

- I have half a mind

to run off and get married.

- Half a mind is all you got.

Come on!

- Oh, Pa!

- Well what you runnin' for, little brother?

- Didn't you hear the shootin'?

- Was it Silas Heller?

- Yeah.

He didn't catch me.

You got old man Heller started on his shotgun rampage.

- Well how come you blame me for old man Heller

blastin' your tail?

- Honey Bee told me how he catched you and her

romancin' in his hay loft one time.

Oh, I'm so tired I'd like to die.

- Yeah? What from?

Runnin' or lovin'?

- Ain't none of your business.

- So Honey Bee actually told you

about me and her neckin' together.

- No.

She told me she used to like you but you stink.

She likes me better than she ever liked you.

- Now you just made that up

'cause you're jealous.

- I ain't neither.

Why, Honey Bee and me,

we're gonna get married.

Sometime.

- Oh, she wanted to marry me too.

I didn't wanna have nothin' to do with it.

Matter of fact, I could have her back

anytime I wanted to.

- You're a liar! - Yeah?

- Chub, Rafe, stop it, hear?

I'll tell Pa.

- Oh, I just funnin' with him.

- You shut up about Honey Bee

or I'll shut you up permanent!

(easygoing country music)

(cow mooing)

- Young lady, are you a milkmaid

or an angel in disguise?

- What do you say?

- I see you are a milkmaid.

No, no, don't get up, don't get up.

You present such a charming picture

of bucolic simplicity on the farm.

- You look like a preacher.

Are you Preacher Perkins?

- Well, preachin', my dear,

is just a small part of my many duties

in bringin' the good word.

- You've come to see my pa about his wedding?

- Yeah, I'm a little puzzled about that.

I suppose your pa will be able to explain.

He is your pa, isn't he?

- I'm Lucianne Anchors.

But Melanie ain't my ma.

- Now just tell me slowly,

who is Melanie?

- Why, that's the woman my pa

wants you to marry him to.

- Oh, now I understand.

She's your pa's fiancee?

- No.

She's his woman.

- Well I beg your pardon.

- She's been with him a year.

- Oh. Oh!

Well, in that case, maybe I shouldn't waste too much time.

Where could I find your pa?

- Just go down that path.

You'll find a house boat right in there.

- A house boat?

Oh, you on the river?

- Some of it is and some of it ain't.

- Sounds indecisive.

Well, thank you, Lucianne.

I hope to see more of you.

- Well that's up to you, Preacher.

I sure ain't hard to find.

- Hmm.

Bless you, child.

(mischievous music)

(cows mooing)

- Oh, I hate cleaning fish.

I hate it worse than anything.

There's gotta be something else in life

besides gutting fish.

- You mean like tumblin' in the hay with Honey Bee Heller?

(Buford laughs)

- I wanna marry Honey Bee, Pa.

- Oh, shucks, boy.

Nobody wants to get married unless'n they get trapped.

See, Honey Bee ain't got you trapped

like me, is she?

- No.

I love her. That's all.

- Well then go on and love her

and then forget her.

That's what I done when I was your age.

Love 'em and forget 'em. (laughs)

Well, I declare, that looks like the preacher man a comin'.

Is you Preacher Perkins?

- That I am, brother.

You must be brother Anchors.

- Yeah, I sure am.

Why don't you sit down, preacher?

- Well, thank you brother Anchors.

- You call be Buford and have yourself a drink.

Guaranteed Ozark lightning.

- Oh, no, no.

That's the devil's brew, brother.

Why, that opens the door to all kinds of sins.

You better let me remove that temptation.

- Hell no.

I just use it as a mouthwash anyway.

- I understand you wanna get married.

- Well, to be honest with you, preacher,

I don't, but we're gonna have a kid.

- Dear me, you do have a problem.

You better marry the woman right away.

- Yeah, but just out of curiosity, preacher,

what if I don't marry Melanie?

Is she gonna come back?

- Oh yes, she'd take you to law, brother,

make you pay for the upkeep of that child.

Yeah, my advice is to take her

for better or for worse.

- Yeah, for better or worse.

Well, things can't get much worse

so I reckon I better. (laughs)

- That sun sure is high.

I don't suppose I could trouble you

for a drink of water?

- Water?

Holy catfish, you don't wanna

drink that river water, preacher.

It'd give you a bellyache for a month.

Say, how about a nice piece of watermelon?

- Well, no, maybe I just won't have anything.

Say, how long you been livin' on this houseboat, Buford?

- Well, sir, I brought this old boat

down here in nigh on 30 year ago.

Kinda fell asleep and drifted into this here slough,

stuck in the dang old mud

and ain't never budged since.

And you knows something, preacher?

Everyday for years I meant to shove her off

and just float on but I just never got around to it.

Oh, I figure the lord wants it this way.

- Oh, he moves in mysterious ways, brother.

- Amen.

- Hallelujah. - Hallelujah.

- Bless you.

So you stayed on here and made a farm

and raised your children.

- Yeah.

And I buried my wife.

Oh, it was hard, preacher.

Mighty hard.

Makin' this miserable old land a good place to live in.

- Yeah, I can see that.

(dramatic music)

Well, well.

Another daughter, Buford?

(sultry music)

- Shucks, no.

Why, this is Melanie.

This is the woman I'm gonna get hitched to. (laughs)

- Howdy.

- My pleasure.

- Well come on inside, preacher.

- After you.

- Sit down, preacher.

- Thank you.

Well, it's a real homey place you got here, Buford.

- It looked like a real dump when I came here.

- Hmm.

Oh, thank you, sister Melanie.

Thank you very kindly.

- Preacher, I want a nice wedding about sundown.

- Sundown?

Well I expected to marry you

right here and now.

- Heck no.

This is gonna be a big thing, preacher.

We're gonna folks over,

there'll be dancing, fish fry, something to drink,

a real jubilation.

- Oh, I understand.

Of course, brother, of course.

A wedding should be a happy occasion.

- Preacher, I hope you do us up real pretty,

saying all the good words and all.

A girl don't get married everyday.

- Sister Melanie, I promise you a ceremony

you'll long remember.

- Well now you just tie the knot anyway you like, preacher.

Just so's as you don't make it a hangman's knot.

(Preacher coughing)

- Hold on there, brother Buford.

I'd sooner choke.

- Melanie, what in thunder you put in that coffee?

- He ain't chokin' on what he put in 'em.

He's chokin' on what you put out with your big mouth.

- Oh now, now, you two lovebirds.

I suppose you'll be goin' on a honeymoon, won't you?

- Heck no.

We done had the honeymoon.

Now we wanna make it legal.

- Oh yeah.

Say, brother Buford,

I'd like to have a word or two

with sister Melanie here.

I've been known to give

some very good advice on these occasions.

- Oh sure, you go right ahead.

I'll just step out for a spell.

See if I remembered to cork my jug.

- Good idea.

(Preacher laughs)

Well, well, Tiger Rosie.

(sultry music)

So this is where you're hiding out, huh?

- Who you talkin' to?

- Oh, come on now, Rosie.

Where you got that money stashed anyway?

You know, that $3,000 that you shot Steelo the strongman for

back in little ol' New Orleans.

- How come you're talkin' such stuff to me?

- Oh, come on now, Rosie.

Don't add to your sins by lying.

Not to me, not to old Stacko Perkins who knew you when.

You know, you're just as pretty now

as when you was hustling those carnivals.

- The heat must've got to your head, preacher.

You're talkin' riddles.

- Oh, I just wanna protect you, Rosie.

Look, you and I could make a real good life.

That money'd give us a start.

- Are you a preacher or ain't you?

- Only just as long as it pays off, honey.

You better tell me where you got that money stashed.

You're gonna have to split it with me, Rosie.

You shot a man.

You know what that means.

You don't want me goin' to the law, do you?

- Preacher, you're talkin' like you're out of your head.

- Sister, you're makin' a big mistake.

- Who's makin' a big mistake?

- Well, brother Buford,

I was just telling sister Melanie here

she's, well she's makin' a big mistake

not to wear something old, something new, something...

Well, I just think she oughta wear something.

(Buford and Preacher laugh)

I mean, she oughta wear a veil.

Yeah, a veil is very becoming to a blushing bride.

Oh, you're a lucky dog, Buford.

You're a lucky dog.

Melanie, I hope you'll take my words of advice to heart.

Well, I think I'll be runnin' along.

- Hey now, wait a minute, preacher.

How much is this here marrying business gonna cost me?

(easygoing country music)

- I'll tell you when I come back this evening.

But don't worry, brother, I'll go easy on you.

- Well now, hold on.

You're gonna baptize Melanie's kid to boot, ain't ya?

- Brother Anchors, I never heard of such a thing.

- Well, then you are some preacher

havin' never heard of baptism.

Why, all of my kids have been baptized.

- Well no, I mean, I just don't know

whether I'm gonna be around

when Melanie has the child

to baptize it, you know?

- Well then do it right now.

- Well, I just don't know quite how...

Well I mean, I don't know whether it's a boy or a girl.

- Well shucks, that don't make no difference.

You got the river right outside here.

All you gotta do is just dunk Melanie in

and the baby'll be baptized

and Melanie'll get one for nothing

at the same time. (laughs)

- No he ain't gonna duck me in no river.

What's the matter with you, Buford?

You gone crazy?

- Yeah, are you crazy?

I ain't gonna duck her in no river.

That ain't according to Hoyle.

I mean, heaven forbid.

- You nevermind him, preacher.

I'll make him treat you real right.

You come back here tonight

and give us a nice marrying job, hear?

- Yeah, you go ahead and do it your way, preacher.

I just hope everything comes out all right.

- Yeah, so do I, so do I.

Well I'll be back this evening.

Bless your happy home.

- See now, he's a nice feller for a preacher, ain't he?

- Yeah.

Some preacher.

- Come on now.

(spirited music)

- Oh!

Bless you, sister. Bless you.

- Oops, I'm sorry, preacher.

I didn't see ya.

- Well that's all right there brother Burley.

Those accidents do happen.

- Yes. - Where's your phone?

- Right over there on the wall, sir.

- Oh, thank you.

Hello there.

Say, I'd like to place a person to person call

to Baton Rouge.

No, no, no I don't know the number

but I'll tell you how you can get it.

You call this person at the Century Carnival

that's playing down in Baton Rogue

and his name is Mr. Steelo Frazini.

No, no, Steelo.

S...

Uh, just ask for the strongman, honey.

(lively music)

- [Operator] I have your party now.

Deposit 85 cents for three minutes, please.

- Oh yeah.

(phone dings)

Hello, Steelo?

Listen, this your old friend Stacko Perkins.

- Stacko.

Say, what's all this jazz I hear

about you calling yourself Revered Perkins?

- Yeah, well let's not go into that.

Listen, Steelo old buddy,

I got a surprise for ya, a real surprise.

I just seen Rosie.

- Well that's great, just great.

Did you tell Rosie that I'm all right,

that I'm well again?

- She thinks you're dead.

She's still got all that loot

she took off of ya.

Now look, don't you think I'd be in

for a little reward if I was to lead you to her,

say about five bills?

- 500 bucks?

You're crazy.

If that's what you called me for, forget it.

I wrote Rosie off as a bad debt.

I got a terrific new partner.

So long, you bum.

(phone clicks)

- Wait, wait a minute now.

Steelo!

(Preacher sighs)

What a fink world.

- What you got it so dang hot in here for?

- It's Melanie.

I mean, she hot up some water.

- Oh.

What's you doin', Melanie?

- [Melanie] Takin' a bath.

- Takin' a bath?

(gentle romantic music)

You gettin' cleaned up for the weddin' already?

It ain't 'til tonight.

- Oh, let me enjoy myself, will ya?

I ain't had a hot bath for a month.

- All right, sugar.

I just wanted to show you

how this old suit looks on me.

- [Melanie] Don't you come in here until I tell you, Buford.

- Oh, shucks.

(Chub snoring)

Hey, Chub.

Chub, wake up.

Tell you something, Chub,

you know, I don't believe this dang old suit

is gonna fit me at all.

- You ain't gonna wear that, are you, Pa?

- Melanie says I am.

Dag blast it.

Oh, I tell you, gettin' married

just turns a man around hind end to front.

And I got no way out

'cause with this here kid comin',

Melanie's got me over a barrel.

Oh, lookie here.

I must've changed a might

since I bought this suit 25 years ago. (chuckles)

How's it look in the back?

- Terrible.

Pa?

- Yeah?

- Uh, ain't you promise me some money?

- You still thinkin' about that?

- Well shucks, Pa,

a hundred dollars is a lot to think about.

- Well, you know, if I reckon it out

maybe you'd owe me money.

- Pa, you know I worked like hell for that money.

- Yeah, but think of all the odd days you had.

Why, there's 50 odd Sundays in a year alone

and that ain't countin' the fourth of July

and Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years.

Then you was sick for a while.

And then you laid down and got drunk for two weeks.

- I did not.

That was you.

I took care of you.

- Oh.

Well anyway, you wasn't workin' then.

- Pa, I seed ya had the money in them pants.

- Well, maybe I guess there is $20 here for ya.

- A hundred, Pa.

- A hundred?

Well, yeah, I did say a hundred.

20, 40, 60, 80, 100.

Here you are, son.

- Thank you, Pa. Thank you.

20, 40, 60, 80.

There's only $80 here, Pa.

- What's the matter with you, boy?

You sayin' your old man's a liar?

- No, Pa.

I just said you counted wrong.

- Count it again.

- 20, 40, 60, 80.

- Well what do you know?

100. Must've got stuck.

- Thank you, Pa.

- Now you've been done paid

and don't talk to me about money for another year.

Now you get along there

and clean up the barn for the wedding shindig.

I don't want anybody steppin' in anything they hadn't order.

- Anything you say, Pa.

- All right now.

(sultry music)

(gentle romantic music)

- You can come in now.

- What do you think, honey?

- Oh them pants legs look like you're gonna jump

and it ain't no cooppenheimer model, that's for sure.

- Well shucks, I just wanted to look

my best for you tonight.

- Well maybe you will if you get Lucianne

to press them clothes and stretch 'em a little.

- That's a good idea.

I'll get Luc to work on this suit right now.

Yeah. (chuckles)

You know, Melanie,

I plum forgot how old fire good lookin' I was

when I get dressed up. (laughs)

- Buford, sometimes you say the funniest things.

- Uh-huh.

Come on, honey.

Pucker up them pretty lips

and give me a kiss?

- You feelin' sassy this morning or something?

- I kinda feelin' emot a little, I guess.

You gonna kiss me?

- [Melanie] You ain't chewing tobacco?

- Uh-uh.

- Then I'll kiss you.

(Buford sighs)

- Oh, you ain't lost nothing since the last time, sugar.

(fabric ripping)

- Holy cat.

This suit must be eaten up with termites.

Okay, take it off and I'll rebuild it.

- Oh honey, just goin' through all this hell

to make you happy, that's all.

- I don't know why I have to wash Melanie's wash too.

Pa says I got to.

I bet when she gets married to Pa,

there'll be no living with her around here.

(Rafe chuckles)

- Well that ain't nothing compared to

what it's gonna be like when her kids comes.

Oh boy.

Honey Bee and me, if we could just

get away from this hateful ol' place.

- I know how you feel, Rafe.

Say, maybe I can get you the money you need to go off.

- Well how can you, sis?

- Well, I seen Pa give Chub some money.

I'll get it for you somehow.

- Yeah, Chub, he wouldn't give you a darn cent.

(Lucianne laughs)

- Oh yes he will

after I tell him what I know about him and Melanie.

- What do you mean?

- If Pa knowed what I know

he sure would kill somebody.

- Come on now, tell me.

- Hush up, boy.

(jazzy music)

- What are you two jawing about?

Rafe, why aren't you doin' your chores?

- Hey girl, can't you see I'm workin'?

- You shut up and get my clothes done.

- See? I told you.

- I'm sick.

Sick of the whole thing.

- I wish this was her head.

(upbeat country music)

(audience applauding)

- Where in tarnation is that preacher?

- Lucianne went to fetch the preacher, Pa.

- Who told her to go traipsing after him?

- Luc said he's rightly a stranger

and she wanted to show him the way.

- Well, that crazy gal.

I'll bet you she's done got a hankerin' for that preacher.

- Yeah.

- Preacher Perkins?

- Oh, Lucianne.

What are you doin' here?

I'm just getting ready to leave for your father's wedding.

- Well it's awful dark outside

and I was afraid you mightn't find the way.

- Oh, bless you, child.

I'm fortunate indeed

to have such a lovely young lady

to show me the way.

Well, we better leave.

Don't wanna keep the happy couple waitin'.

- Preacher. - Hmm?

- Tell me, have you ever been married?

- No, I'm afraid not.

Have you?

- I ain't find nobody good enough around here

I'd want to marry.

- Oh, that's too bad.

A purdy gal like you,

why, you're just as ripe as a peach.

You know, I never found

just what I was lookin' for in a woman either.

- Preacher? - Hmm?

- Do you think I got it?

- Well, I think you...

I think we'd better go.

(upbeat music)

(audience applauding)

- Pa!

The preacher fell in the hog wallow!

Come pull him out!

- Well let's get him out of there

before them hogs chew him up.

- Well hurry, Pa. Please hurry!

He might've broke something.

- Well come on, boys.

We need that doggone preacher if we-

(Lucianne gasps)

Well, by gravy, you are a sight and that's a fact.

We gonna have to get you cleaned off before the wedding.

- No.

No, no, brother Buford.

The wedding will take place right here and now.

- Well, you're the preacher.

- Bless you.

- Amen.

(pleasant music)

You better take a shot of moon, preacher.

It'll make you feel a heap better.

- Well, thank you, brother Buford.

Just this once.

It'll wash down the grit.

- Now hold it down now.

You'll feel better in a minute.

(Preacher pants)

- Ain't this exciting?

Weddings always make me feel like crying.

- Oh, Honey Bee, don't you wish

this was happening to us?

- Oh, Rafe.

("The Bridal Chorus")

- Here she is, preacher.

Come on, tie us up.

- Gather around brothers and sisters.

We're here to witness a weddin'.

Brother Buford, do you take this woman

to be your lawful wedded wife?

- I guess so.

I mean, I do.

- Well that's better.

Sister Melanie, do you take this man

to be your lawful wedded husband?

- Oh, I do. I do.

- Good, good.

Well now are there any objections?

If there are, speak your peace now

or you'll have to hold it forever.

All right, then.

In the presence of these here witnesses

and by reasons and authorities and invested...

(clears throat)

Anyway, I pronounce you man and wife.

Well, go on, you can kiss your bride now, Buford.

- What do you mean? In front of all these...

Aw, shucks.

Come on, let's all have a drink.

Where's my jug?

- Well bless you anyways.

(upbeat music)

(easygoing music)

(steam hisses)

(easygoing jazz music)

- Pa!

Don't, don't hit me again!

- You shameless Jezebel.

I seen you sneak in.

Where you been all night?

- No, Pa, no.

Only half the night, honest!

- You sinned and you got the supper.

You ate the apple, the forbidden fruit.

I think you've been eatin' for some time.

- I never ate no apple.

I hate apples!

- I don't mean them kinda apples.

- Rafe's pa and ma got married.

There was big doin's and I got home late, that's all.

There ain't no harm been done.

- The heck there ain't.

I got my belly full of them Anchors.

I'm gonna get ahold of some of the boys

and blast them right off the river,

that dirty scum.

- But Pa, how am I ever gonna get a husband

if you go killin' off all my chances?

- Get out of there and get on some decent clothes!

(jazzy music)

(car engine revs)

(exhaust bangs)

(exhaust bangs)

- What you doin, Mel?

- What?

Oh, it's you.

I'm trying to find where your pa hid my money.

He went fishing around the bend.

I thought he'd come back.

- Well whatcha gonna do when you find the money?

- What do you think?

Get the hell outta here.

- Mel, you know how I feel about you.

Take me with you.

- Now, take it easy, honey.

I can't make a move 'til I get my hands on that dough.

I don't want no trouble with your pa before I do.

- I don't care.

I'm so crazy for you I can't stand it no more

and I know you love me too.

You can't care for him.

He's a old man.

- Yeah, that's what I thought.

Now look, cut it out.

He's liable to walk in on us.

If he catches you and me lovin' it up,

he'll kill you.

- If you don't come away with me,

I'll kill him.

- Now, stop blowing off your mouth

like a village half-wit.

Come here.

(gentle romantic music)

If you're so hot to go with me,

help me find that money.

- Yeah, I will.

- You got any ideas where he coulda hid it?

- Not yet.

I seed he had a whomping big roll of money

when he paid me the hundred dollars.

- He paid you a hundred bucks?

- Yep.

Of course he tried to cheat me out of it,

but I made him get honest.

- Where'd he have this big roll?

- In that there wedding suit.

- Son of a...

(gentle romantic music continues)

- Ain't it there?

- No, I didn't really expect it would be.

He'd be sure to change hiding places

once he'd seen you had it.

Oh, that old fink.

You know,

you really are a sweet hunk of man, honey.

You stir around and find

that nice green bundle your old man stashed away

and I'll show you the cotton pickin' time of your life.

Will you do that for little ol' Melanie?

- Oh, I loves you, Melanie.

I'm on fire for you.

- You sure are.

You burn real good.

(pitcher clatters)

- You been spyin' on me again?

- Nope.

I just accidentally seen plenty.

Boy.

- You tell anything to Pa and I'll kill you.

- Let go of me! YOu're hurtin' me!

- Chub, leave her alone.

- Listen, Luc,

if'n you keep quiet,

I'll give you $20.

- Ha!

You ain't got $20.

- That's all you know.

I got a hundred dollars.

- Let me see it.

- See?

- Yeah.

I see I could keep quiet for $50.

- 50?

No, it's cheaper to choke you.

- You touch me and I'll screech the country down.

Pa'll sure come runnin'.

- Shucks.

You are the orneriest gal a guy ever had for a sister.

All right.

Here's the $50.

- On account of you being so nasty to me,

the price of my silence has just went up.

- What?

- You better give me that hundred.

I can forget a lot for 100.

- You can forget the whole damn hundred.

I'll kick your rear end over that barn.

- Pa!

Pa!

- Good grief, what's goin' on now?

- Aw, she wants my whole hundred.

- Give it to her.

- But Mel- - I said give it to her.

You got other things to think about.

- Huh?

Oh yeah.

Okay, here's the hundred.

And you can drop dead!

(frantic music)

- Neighbors, the time has come

to wipe out Buford Anchors and their whole sin-filled tribe.

- Yeah, you're right, Silas!

Chew 'em up!

- It's our bounded duty to blast

every living Anchors right into the bowels of the fiery pit.

- You mean womenfolk too?

- Why, sure, they's half the sinnin', ain't they?

Shoot to kill!

Rid this here good land of ours

of them filthy varmints.

- I don't hold to shootin' that pretty Melanie Anchors

and that there shapely Lucianne.

'Tain't Christian.

- You just listen to me.

I'll tell you what's Christian and what ain't.

Couple of you boys fetch that preacher Perkins

over to the Anchor's place.

We'll make this a Christian massacre

if you're so dab-blame touchy about it.

Go on, go get the preacher, you two.

The rest of you, come with me.

Let's go get 'em.

(frantic music)

(car engine hums)

(exhaust bangs)

- Hey, Rafe.

- [Rafe] Yeah?

- I got something for ya.

- Yeah, what is it, Luc?

- See?

I told you I'd get you some goin' away money

and I done it.

$100.

- Well where'd you get it?

- I talked it out of Chub.

He didn't wanna give it up,

but Melanie made him.

- Why'd she make him do that?

- Nevermind.

Go on, take it.

Now you and Honey Bee can go off and get married

and start livin'.

- Hey, Luc.

You was always good to me

and I ain't never gonna forget it.

When I make good, I'm gonna come back

and I'm gonna help you run off

and get married too.

- You know something, Rafe?

I can hardly wait.

(frantic music)

(exhaust banging)

- Melanie!

Melanie!

- What's up, kid?

- I found it! I found it!

- You what?

- Look.

- Oh, you doll.

You ever loving doll.

(bright jazz music)

Where'd you ever find it?

- Well, I figured and I figured

and then I asked myself

if I was a drunken bum like Pa,

where'd I hide my money?

So I went there and there it was.

- Where was it?

- In the barn in one of them empty jugs.

I had to break it open to get the money out.

Melanie, when are we leavin'?

- When are we leavin'?

Oh, tonight after it gets dark.

You know, when your pa passes out.

- But what if he don't pass out?

- I'll see that he does.

- [Honey Bee] Mr. Anchors! Mr. Anchors!

- What's that?

- Well you'd better go see.

Go on.

- Okay.

(frantic music)

- Mr. Anchors! Mr. Anchors!

- What are you yellin' for?

- Pa's gone plum crazy.

He's comin' here to shoot y'all to kingdom come.

- Aw, shucks.

He don't have enough ammunition for that.

- You gotta believe me.

Pa's on a rampage.

- Aw, we ain't afraid of that mangy old coot.

- Well I am!

You'd better go get Pa.

- You'd better.

Where's Rafe? He'll believe me.

Rafe! Rafe!

- Honey Bee.

Honey Bee, gosh.

Was that you hollerin'?

- Nah, it was a screech owl.

She come here started tellin' stories

about her pa comin' gunnin' for us Anchors.

- You see, there they are.

(frantic music)

- Leapin' catfish! They all got guns!

Pa! Pa!

- Now Honey Bee, don't you worry.

I'm gonna talk to your pa.

I'll make him understand somehow.

- You ain't got a chance.

You won't get out a word before you'll be spittin' buckshot.

You gotta hide, honey, and hide good.

- I can't let you face this all by yourself.

- You won't be no good to me dead.

Now hurry, hurry!

- Oh, shucks.

(men clamoring)

- Stop, Pa.

Don't do it, please, don't do it.

- I warned you but you wouldn't listen to your pa.

Come on, boys.

- Please, Pa, no. - What in tarnation

is eatin' you, Silas Heller?

- I've been a wantin' to do this for 20 years.

- Do what, you ol' coot?

- Blast you Anchors right into that river.

- Silas, what are we waitin' for?

Let's do it. - Hold on, you pumpkin heads.

I'll split you down like a piece of kindling.

- You pull that trigger

and I'll run this gig right through your gizzard.

- Now, hold on, Lucianne.

I'll go whip any man or beast for 20 miles

in any direction.

You just put down them guns.

I'll show you what I mean.

- You turn around and start walkin'.

Where's the skinny pants Rafe?

A couple of you boys scatter around

and flush him out.

- Don't hurt, Rafe, Pa.

I love him.

- High-handed nonsense.

Now stop that, brother!

- Here comes the preacher.

Get back over there and line up

and start praying.

- Now, hold on, brother. That's sharp.

Now what's all this high-handed business about, sir?

- Preacher, I brung you here

to wash away the sins of this Anchor's clan

before I blast them to smithereens.

- Well what are you saying, brother?

That you're gonna kill these people?

- [Henchman] Silas, lookie here.

- [Silas] Get him over here with the rest of 'em.

- Brother Heller, you're stock-starin' mad.

I'm not gonna be a party to any massacre.

I'm leaving.

- You're stayin'.

- I'll check that bet.

That is, whatever you say, brother.

- All right, you Anchors.

Get ready, boys.

- No, Pa. I love him!

You'll have to shoot me too.

- Now ain't that just like a woman?

My daughter's so all fired set

on getting herself a husband,

she'd rather be dead than without one.

Oh, con found it, marry 'em.

- No, no.

He ain't gonna marry her.

No son of mine's gonna marry

into your low-down mountain trash family.

Why, I'd rather be dead than see that happen.

- I'll take care of that later.

- Now just hold on there, brother Heller.

I'll do just what you say.

- Wait a minute, you bunch of bird-brains.

This clown couldn't marry a pair of chipmunks.

- What do you mean? He married us.

- He ain't no preacher.

He's Stacko Perkins, a conman, a drifter,

a crooked three card monte dealer

who works the carnivals.

- Now just hold on there, sister Melanie.

She's misjudging me, gentlemen,

right in front of you.

Now you see before you a reformed man.

I've been saved, brothers.

You just give me a minute alone with sister Melanie

and I'm sure she'll see the light.

(sultry music)

Rosie, you gotta listen to me.

- I don't want no snow job.

- Will you listen to me?

There ain't no murder rap again' you.

- What are you givin' me?

- Steelo's alive.

I talked to him myself on the phone to Baton Rogue.

- You what?

- Yeah, you're free as a bird, honey.

He don't care nothing about you.

He don't even care about that money.

See, he's got himself this new partner

and he don't want her to know about you.

- Why, that crummy muscle man.

To think I spent a year on this mosquito trap.

- Well now's your chance to get off.

Look, honey, you know I've always been nuts about you.

Let's face it, we're just a couple of finks.

But we understand each other

and we could do real big things

if we just work together.

Two finks are better than one. (laughs)

Come on, why don't you get your things together?

And you just hang around here a couple of minutes,

I'll figure some way to come back

and pick you up, okay?

- [Silas] Get back here, you flannel-mouthed weasel!

- Coming, brother!

- Now, is you or is you ain't a preacher?

- Brother, I cannot tell a lie.

I'm not a preacher anymore.

I tore up my diploma from the Correspondence College

of Salvation Evangelism.

- Chub, give me that ax.

I'll fix this-

- Don't bother yourself, Buford.

I'll take care of him.

Now you get!

- Bless you, bothers. Bless you.

(gun bangs)

(Honey Bee crying)

- Honey Bee, come on.

Now don't do that.

A weepin' woman makes me awful sad.

- Now what's ailing you, daughter?

- Me and Rafe ain't marrying after all.

- Oh, I'll fix that. Don't you fret.

I'll get a real preacher or a judge or something

to marry you up good and legal.

Now you kids come on to place, all of you.

(easygoing music)

Boys, you boys go in my still

and fill up some jugs.

We're gonna celebrate my daughter's coming weddin'.

- Melanie, you knowed he was no preacher.

Now you and me ain't married nohow.

- It don't matter we ain't married.

I'm leavin' you, you meat head.

- Well you can just forget it

'cause I ain't gonna give you that money to leave on.

- I already got it.

You was a fool to think I couldn't find it.

- Yeah, but you carrying my kid.

You can't take that away from me.

- No kid, Buford.

I'm carrying only my suitcase.

- What?

What about that fella you shot in New Orleans?

You know, they're still lookin' for you.

- I just found out that guy's alive and kickin'.

(easygoing music)

So long, tiger.

- Melanie.

I'm going too, Pa.

Me and Melanie love each other.

Besides, you ain't rightly married to her anyway

and we're goin' away together.

Come on, honey.

- I oughta kill him.

I oughta kill the both of 'em.

- Oh, Pa.

I should've told you about him and her a long time ago.

None of this would've happened.

- Sure is nice being away, Melanie.

- You're a sweet kid

but I'm not for you, honey.

Here's the hundred you had

and a hundred more.

- Wait!

I want you, Melanie.

I love you.

I love you deep in my guts.

- Take my advice, kid.

Go to the big city.

You'll make out okay.

By the way, tell 'em I recommended you.

(exhaust banging)

- Better get on in here, honey,

before it blows up.

See ya, country boy.

(exhaust bangs)

(explosion booms)

(explosion booms)

(easygoing country music)

- Well, honey, after 30 years

I reckon now's the time to float this old boat off the mud

and head downriver

and then you'll have a chance

to find a hunk of a man like me for a husband.

- Oh, Pa!

(Buford laughs)

- Come on, we'll go inside

and start gettin' things ready

and then we can start off first thing in the morning.

- Yoo-hoo, mister!

(bright music)

Oh, mister, I just come down here from the Ozarks

and I'm lookin' for a place to live and work.

Do y'all know where I might be able

to find such a place?

- Well now-

- Just follow that path to the general store there.

Mr. Burley maybe can help you.

- Well thank you kindly, folks.

I'll be seein' you.

(bright music continues)

- What you thinkin', Pa?

- This ain't a bad place, Luc, after all.

And well, I was just thinkin'

maybe we could hang around here

a little while longer.

- Oh Pa, not again!

(bright spirited music)