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[Orchestra, cancan: "Ta-ra-ra-boom-de-ay"I

> "M" is for the million things &

j she gave me &

j "o" means only that &

j she's growing old &

This is mother. Isn't she sweet?

Good heavens. Who'd dream she'd ever behaved like this?

Mother, how could you?

3 daddy, dear old daddy &

j you've been more than a daddy j

j tomeld

And this is dad...

The cutest old darling in the whole world.

J I'm burlington bertie I rise at 10:30 j

j and saunter along like a toff j

j I walk down the strand with my gloves on my hand j

j then I walk down again with them off j

the, uh, subtle type... Even in his burlesque days.

J without food so long I forgot where my face is &

j I'm Bert, Bert, I haven't a shirt

j but my people are well-off, you know &

j nearly everyone knows me from Smith to lord roseb"ry &

j I'm burlington bertie from bow j

to really understand why mother wore tights in the first place,

we must go back to a June night in 1900,

to the night mother was graduated from the Oakland, California high school

and was selected to be the leading lady

in the school's annual musical extravaganza...

An honor which, to this day, brings a flush of pride to mother's face.

She was myrtle McKinley then.

And if you want my opinion and grandpa and grandma McKinley's opinion,

she was the prettiest girl in school.

Her school days were over, and ahead, across the bay,

lay San Francisco and life...

Life with a capital "I."

A telephone operator. I'd rather be dead.

- Bessie. - Well, I would.

Anyhow, it beats what I'm gonna do...

Standing on my feet all day selling camisoles and chemises.

At least you'll be in college, myrtle.

Business college... If you can call that college.

What'll we do in town after we get through with the telephone company?

We could walk around and look in the store windows, I guess.

- We might go to a show. - A show?

Well, my brother Clarence sells tickets at Schneider's opera house.

He said he'd let me in free any time I wanted to.

You suppose he'd let us all in?

- Well, I don't know. We could ask. - Oh, bessie, let's.

I've always wanted to go to Schneider's opera house, but you know grandma.

- Hello, bubba. - What do you want?

You know my girlfriends myrtle McKinley, Alice flemmerhammer?

I've heard their names.

Well, we thought... you always said if I came over, you'd let me in free, and...

I never said anything about the whole high school, did 1?

- Aw, please, bubba. - Oh, well.

But if Mr. Schneider ever catches me...

If Mr. Schneider ever catches you doin' what?

Oh, uh, nothing, Mr. Schneider. Nothing at all.

- I was just saying... - Handin' out free tickets, huh?

- Oh, no, Mr. Schneider. They... they... - They what?

They just wanted to know if... If they could get a job with the show

in the chorus.

- In the chorus, huh? - Yes, sir.

Come up to my office.

Well?

All right. Let's see your legs.

Oh, no!

Well, ain't you scared too?

No, sir.

Hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Mmm.

- So you wanna go on the stage, huh? - Yes, sir.

Have you ever done any show work?

I took the lead in our high school play. I-I'm a dancer.

Where'd you learn to dance?

Professor mcguffery, our dramatics teacher, taught me.

- Your, uh, folks know about this? - My parents are dead.

- How much do you want a week? - Would, uh, ten dollars be all right?

- Ten dollars? - Well, il didn't know I...

I was gonna offer you 15, but just to teach you a lesson in show business,

ten bucks it is.

Come on. One of the ladies in the front line

is gonna have a baby any matinee now.

I'll see if they can't take in her costume to fit you.

J who knows how much I love ya you do j

js no one means more to me than j

js youdold

j you take December and smile it into may j

j and then December comes back again when you're away &

j who has the charm that very few do &

j who makes life necessary &

js youdold

j and who can take my dreams and make my dreams come true, who j

j don't give me three guesses one will do j

Hiya, doc.

Different doll tonight, huh?

Let me hear that brass, Ruby!

J and who can take my dreams and make my dreams come true, who &

j don't give me three guesses murder

j I don't need three guesses baseball ;

j I don't want three guesses one will do j

Oh. What's the matter, kid?

My grandmother and grandfather just came in.

Well, what of it?

They think I'm going to business college every night.

& who knows how much I love ya you do j

j no one means more to me than you do j

j you take December and smile it into may j

j and then December j

j comes back again when you're away j

j who has the charm that very few do you do j

- me? - & who makes life necessary &

you do jl -

hello, honey. How about a date tonight?

You take your hands off her!

I'll attend to you later, miss.

J who knows how much I love you &

js youdold

js no one means more to me than j

js youdold

- Oh, I know she'll come back. - Keep your chin up, kid.

It's your own life, ain't it?

Yes, but does grandmother know that?

- Say, you're doin' all right. - Oh, well, thank you.

Excuse me.

Hey, girls!

Any of you, uh... forgive the expression... Artistes want a speaking part

in my Paris blackout next week?

Which one of you speak French? French?

- What is it, a character part? Go away. - Come on. He's only kiddin...

Well, I don't know how good I am at it, but I'd like to try.

You're that new kid, ain't ya, sweetheart?

I've been here nearly two weeks.

Yeah, I've been noticin' you. Here, let me hear you read this.

"Voulez-vous payer I'argent au gargon?"

Hey, that's a swell accent.

You'll do fine. We'll have a bite to eat after the show, hmm?

- Uh-oh, here it starts. - Not for you, sweetheart.

- I'll run through the business with you. - "The business" is right.

- By the way, what's your name? - Myrtle McKinley.

Anybody ever tell you you got a nice pair of, uh...

Eyes. Yes, we've heard that.

Well, in your case, sweetheart, I really mean "eyes."

Heh, heh.

Good night, pops.

Don't forget rehearsal in the morning, 10:00.

I won't.

- Good night. - Good night.

- Hello. - Oh, hello.

- Got a date? - Sort of, halfway.

How about forgetting it and letting me buy you a plate of spaghetti?

- Not tonight, but... thanks just the same. - Good night.

- Oh, good night, Mrs. muggins. - Good night.

- Uh, some other time maybe? - Maybe.

- Okay. Good night. - Good night.

Waiting for somebody? Yes. Mr. Burt.

- Oh, he left a long time ago. - He did?

Yes. Said somethin' about having a heavy date.

On.

Of course, uh, I ain't doing nothin' myself.

What?

Oh, nothin'. I... just wanted to hear how that would sound again.

- Good night. - Good night.

- Hey, what's the idea? - That's what I'd like to know.

What's wrong with a little kiss between friends?

Nothing, if we were friends.

Okay, okay. Forget it. But don't think you can fool me with this innocent stuff.

I've been hangin' around theaters too long.

Wait a minute. Don't get sore. What about that bite to eat?

I'm not hungry. You wanna hear about the act?

- Not if this goes with it. - Okay. You win.

But look. I couldn't take a chance on puttin' some cheap dame in my act

and gumming it up with love.

I'm gonna be big-time. I had to find out.

- So0 you were just testing me, were you? - Sure. It didn't mean a thing.

If it doesn't mean anything, why do you want me in your act in the first place?

Hey, what's eatin' you? If I say I wanna kiss you, you get sore and slap my face.

Then if I don't, you get madder than ever. What kind of a dame are you?

The kind of a dame who's going to be just as big-time as you are

and who isn't going to gum it up with love either.

One night, a couple of months later,

the company had chipped in to give frank a party backstage.

He'd rushed out right after the show,

saying he had something important to do, but he'd promised to hurry back.

Hey, myrtle, how about doin' that imitation of frank while he's gone, huh?

- Oh, no, Rosemary. He might not like it. - Ah, sure he would. Come on.

Hey, listen, everybody. Quiet!

Myrtle does a wonderful imitation of frank.

She did it for us in the dressing room. Would you like to see it?

- You're on, honey. - Oh, Rosemary, I hate to...

Look now, girlie, you're not gonna be bashful about it, are you?

- You're among friends. - Sure you are. Come on, myrt.

But it's no good without the right clothes and things.

Well, that's easy. Come on with me. I'll get you rigged out.

J I'm Bert

j p'rhaps you've heard of me... Bert &

j you've had word of me jogging along j

j hearty and strong &

j thriving on plates of fresh air &

j I live most expensive j

j like Tom lipton I'm in the swim &

j he's got so much "oof" that he sleeps on the roof j

j and I live in the room over him j

j I'm burlington bertie I rise at 10:30 j

j and saunter along like a toff j

j' I walk down the strand &

j with my gloves on my hand &

j then I walk down again with them off j

j I'm all airs and graces correct easy paces I

j without food so long I forgot where my face is &

j I'm Bert, Bert, I haven't a shirt

j but my people are well-off, you know j&

I' nearly everyone knows me j&

j from Smith to lord roseb"ry

j I'm burlington bertie from bow j

J I'm Bert, Bert

j and royalty"s hurt j

j when they ask me to dine I say, no &

j I just had a banana with lady Diana &

j' I'm burlington bertie from bow &

I'm glad I hired you. I...

Okay, children. Let "er rip! You can start this shindig now.

- Papa's back. - It's about time you showed up.

- Boy, did you miss somethin'. - Kinda stealin' my thunder, ain't ya?

Oh, so that's where you been. Out shoppin', huh?

Just a few little knickknacks.

It's my birthday. I gotta get you some presents too.

That's more like it.

- Looks like you bought out the whole town. - Just about.

Hey, I hope you've got me a pair of stockings.

- You know what? What'd we get her? - Stockings.

Stockings!

Come on. I'll help you get out of those things.

Can you beat that guy?

Can't even let people give him a birthday party without tryin' to top them.

Oh, I think it's sweet.

Hey, you're not falling for that big show-off, are you?

Oh, of course not. But he is kinda nice.

Look, myrt. Don't let that "sweetheart" stuff throw you. He calls 'em all that.

It's just something to say when he can't think of your name, like "hey, you."

I know.

I've seen dozens of guys like him in this business,

and not one of them was worth shootin'.

Look at the way he throws his dough away... Horse racing and those flashy clothes.

Huh. You'd think he was a millionaire.

He says that's part of the act, that you've got to put on a front.

Sure, but that don't mean you got to make a splash all the time.

Look, honey. You're just plain dumb if you let yourself fall for a hoofer.

If you do, you'll wind up in the south end of a poorhouse, or my name's mud.

I know because I married one of those guys... a couple of times.

How are ya, Sarah bernhardt? Still tossin' that bustle into the third row?

Oh, I'm dyin' laughing.

I brought you some new red flannel, sweetheart.

- You can sew yourself in for the winter. - Heh, heh, heh.

Mad?

Sure I'm mad. Nobody ever told me I was that good.

On the level, I never realized I had all those tricks.

I'm beginning to learn somethin' about myself. When did you pick it up?

I've had to watch you for eight weeks, haven't 1?

And I've been watching you too.

You know somethin'? You're my kind of dancer.

You got more talent in your little finger than the rest of these crows put together.

- And you can sing too. - Oh, that's awfully nice of...

As a matter of fact, I got a funny notion we might do pretty good as a double.

A double?

Sure. You know, you and me together. A team.

- Oh, do you think I could? - Well, sure you could.

- Not afraid, are ya? - Oh, no. It isn't that...

I've been in this business a long time. I know talent when I see it. You've got it.

- I'm tellin' you, we could knock 'em cold. - I-1 don't know what to say.

Okay, then don't say. Just keep it under your hat and leave it to me.

We'll work somethin' out together and then spring on 'em.

What do you say? Deal? Deal.

After that, mother got her name on the posters in the lobby too,

though of course, you had to look twice to find it.

Roy bivens kept telling her that she was crazy to let frank get away with it...

That she really made the act.

But mother was careful to point out that frank was still the star

and that, after all, it was his act and his idea.

But Roy insisted that now was her chance to go places on her own...

That he could do a lot of good for her, if she'd only let him.

But mother only kept shaking her head... no,

because... well, because as far as she was concerned,

she'd already gone places.

Well, if your mind's made up, if that's the way you feel about it...

I'm afraid it is, Roy, but thanks just the same.

- Okay. Good night. - Good night.

Hello, miz rastus!

Who was that gentleman I just seen you with?

Dat was no gentleman, Mr. bones. Dat was a tenor.

Well, how 'bout you and me goin' on down to Mr. capucci's

and leanin' up against a big piece of catfish?

Mmm, mmm, sugar pie! You done said yourself a mouthful.

- Well, let's go. - Well, all right.

Yee-hee, hee!

- Good night, thank you. Come again. - We will, papa.

- Good evening, Mr. Burt. - Papa, how are you?

Papa capucci's is one of frank's favorite hangouts.

The bunch from Schneider's had seen him come in

with many a pretty girl on his arm, but somehow this was different.

They were wise... even if he wasn't... That mother had set her heart,

not on seeing her name in lights,

but on seeing just how soon she could bring him around

to popping the all-important question.

I'm dying to see you. You're the one I've always waited for.

- And that's just for you. - Oh, my ring!

Please. Giuseppe, per favore, the very best.

- Si, padrone. - Giuseppe, g-g-get me some...

Si, signore. You want some butter.

No, no. I want some b-b-b...

He's just joking. Spaghetti for two, please.

And put some of that good ol' horse meat sauce on it, colonel.

Si, signore. I'll fix.

Oh, frank, you're crazy.

Dat's what mein father says.

You know mein father? He's a dutchman.

He talks like dis, and does he hate the theater.

Ach! What kind of a business is this? A dancer? A "chigger"?

Speaking of chiggin', kid, I've been working on a new routine,

and I think I got it.

It's like bowling green only better.

How about meetin' me at the theater in the morning about, uh, 11:00?

Frank, I'm not sure I'm going to stay in the show.

- What do you mean, not stay in the show? - There's nothing definite yet,

but, well, the truth is, Roy bivens is going into a new musical comedy,

and he says he can get me a job with him too.

- Oh, he does, does he? - Of course, I don't want to quit,

but, well, I thought maybe you'd be glad of a chance to try out a new partner.

Just because you gave me my start

is no reason why you have to stay shackled to me

as though we were shackled together... Like people who were shackled.

Who said anything about being shackled? What's itchin' you anyway?

Oh, nothing. But, well, this is a pretty big chance.

Roy says it's sure to be a hit. They're gonna open in la next month,

then go east to Chicago, may even get to New York.

He says they're looking for new faces and...

And that you've got the looks and the voice and can hoof,

- and with him behind you... - How did you know?

And besides you only get second billing with me, right?

Well, yes, but...

Say, you're not falling for what a tenor tells you, are ya?

I didn't say I was falling for it. I just said I was thinking about it.

Honestly, frank, what do you think?

Well, that's a little hard to say. You see, I'm prejudiced.

I never did like tenors in the first place.

Now I like them less than ever.

- Course, I'd hate to lose you. - You would?

Sure. It's no joke breakin' in a new partner.

Course, from your angle, maybe I shouldn't stand in your way.

Maybe you could make a big name as a single.

Yeah, maybe Roy is right, the rat.

Then you think I should say yes to Roy?

Well, you gotta think of yourself.

Course, if anything goes wrong, you can always come back.

Thanks.

There's one thing I wanna get clear though.

This business between you and Roy bivens is all business, isn't it?

No monkey business, no funny business, just business business?

What's that to you?

Oh, nothing, nothing. I was just thinking about you.

Thinking about me? You never thought about anybody in your life except yourself.

- Now what makes you say that? - Because it's the truth.

What do you care about a partner anyway? Just somebody to dance with.

I wasn't going with him, but now I will. I'm sick of being taken for granted.

Go on. Get yourself another partner. Teach her your new routine.

What's got into you?

Some sense at last... Which is more than you'll ever have.

Hey, wait a minute!

And you can charge the broken dishes to him too!

Roy, I've changed my mind about that show.

If you can give me a chance, I'll be tickled to death to go.

You will?

Well, swell. Sit down. We've got business to discuss.

Oh, yes. Frank missed her. I'm sure of that.

He went right on alone doing the same old numbers in the same old way,

and to the delight of the same old audiences.

J I've just had a banana with lady Diana j

j' I'm burlington bertie from bow &

Jd put your arms around me, honey &

j hold me tight &

hello, frank.

When did you get back? I thought you were in la.

I was, but... I came back.

Oh, what happened? That outfit run out on you?

No.

Your tenor didn't start breathin' down your neck, did he?

No.

As a matter of fact, he asked me to marry him.

Marry him? He asked you to marry him?

What's wrong with that? Some people do get married, you know.

What'd you say?

L... thanked him and told him I'd have to think it over.

On.

Frank. Yeah?

You might as well know what really happened.

Last week the producer was watching me rehearse my dance.

It has some of your steps in it. In fact, it's practically the same dance...

We did in bowling green, except that I do it alone.

Producer didn't like it very much, and Roy said...

Said what?

- Well... - Go ahead. Don't be ashamed.

I wanna know the worst.

H-he said, "wait'll she really does it. Of course, this is just a rehearsal."

- Things like that. - That all?

Is that all? Why, I wanted to go right through the floor

because, frank, I was doing my very best.

I was dancing the way I always did with you. I-1 don't know what was wrong.

I do. Look, I don't want to hurt you, but...

When you dance with me... Well, when we dance together...

Yes, frank?

Well, when we dance together, it's just different.

How different, frank?

Oh, I don't know, but we hit it off.

Maybe we oughta stick together... You know, shackled. Married.

Oh, frank!

- Anyhow, it's an idea. I'll work on it. - You...

You'll work on it? Oh! Yeah.

Oh, frank, I knew I shouldn't have come back here and humiliated myself!

- Hey, take it easy! - Oh, I'll show you!

Take your hands off of me. Let me out of here, or I'll...

You'll what?

- Help! Help! - Pipe down, will ya?

- There's a show goin' on out there. - Let me go!

If I'd known you were gonna behave like this...

Help!

I never would've proposed to you in the first place!

J oh, oh, I never knew j

&' any boy like you &

and so they were married in the sight of god

and these witnesses.

The reverend Mr. winship, who'd baptized mother,

and had seen her through her Sunday school days,

read the nuptial vows.

It was a lovely wedding and a perfect day.

Grandma had made mother's dress, and she was very proud of it.

Of course, dad, who could charm the stars out of the sky,

had completely won her and grandpa over.

Alice and bessie took the whole day off.

It took them all morning to find exactly the right wedding gift:

A pickle fork.

The ladies of the chorus were busy with their handkerchiefs throughout,

but none enjoyed herself quite as much as Mrs. muggins, the character woman.

Even the doorman had donned his best bib and Tucker.

Papa capucci's wedding present was his finest 75-cent Italian dinner,

replete with opera singers, garlic and red wine.

Looking back, mother says it was the only time in her life

that she ever saw dad completely subdued.

Amen. You may kiss the bride.

Congratulations, frank. Congratulations!

Grandma!

J this is my favorite city &

j this is my favorite town j

j I like the way that people meet you &

j they greet you with a smile and not a frown j

j and when my ramblin' is over &

j this is where I'd like to settle down &

j so when someone will say where are you from, chum? J

j I can proudly say that Rochester is my hometown

j this is my favorite city &

j this is my favorite town j

vaudeville... dear old two-a-day.

One town after another, one show after another,

but always giving their all.

J so when someone will say where are you from, chum? J

j I can proudly say j

j St. Louis is my hometown &

J this is my favorite city &

j this is where I'd like to settle down &

j I can proudly say that Boston is my hometown j

j this is my favorite city &

d' this is where I'd like to settle down j - j to settle down j

j I can proudly say Philadelphia's my hometown &

- j' I really mean that & - J' Philadelphia &

j is hometown &

The next season was even better.

Dad says they might even have hit Broadway

if suddenly, out of the blue sky,

mother hadn't announced that she was going home to grandma because of...

Well, I believe the term is "an act of god."

Myrt, you're kidding.

- Yahoo! - Oh, frank, stop it!

You'd think this was first time anybody had ever had a baby.

Come on. Let's tell the gang.

Don't be silly. Nobody needs to know yet, not for a month or two anyway.

After that...

After that, we'll take a couple of months off, both of us.

No kid of mine is gonna be born in front of a backdrop.

Frank. Yeah?

I'm not going to take just two months off.

- I'm going to quit... for good. - You're gonna do what?

I don't want my baby born on the stage any more than you do,

or brought up there either.

I want him to have a home and a mother to take care of him.

But myrt, you can't quit. What about me?

Aw, you can get a dozen partners as good as I am.

But I don't want a dozen partners. I want you.

Why, myrt, you... you're the act.

Look, frank.

It's been wonderful together, but this is going to be something even more wonderful.

You be the papa. We'll let you work and make the money to send home.

Aw, frank, this is what I've wanted all my life.

From now on, please just let me be the mama.

Frank Burt Jr.

Oh.

"An act of god." And what an act it was.

"Frank junior" it was to have been, but under the circumstances,

mother thought that perhaps "Iris" would be a little more appropriate.

Then, three years later, me.

"Frank junior” it was to have been this time for sure.

But again, under the circumstances,

mother thought that perhaps "Miriam" would be more suitable.

They compromised on "mikie."

Mikie, don't touch that.

- Stop that, mikie. Mikie. - Ow, it hurts!

- It does not. - It does too. Give me that comb.

- Stop that, mikie. Stop that. Mikie. - Mikie, stop it!

- Give me that comb, mikie. - Stop it this instant.

Aren't you ashamed of yourself?

Do you want me to write daddy and tell him what a bad girl he has?

All right, now go upstairs and get dressed, both of you.

Yes, mama.

- And, Iris, you help her. - Yes, mama.

- Myrtle. - In here, grandma.

- This... th-this telegram just came. - Oh.

Why on earth do they think up these things?

Scarin' a body half out of their wits.

- Will you open it now? - Oh, no, grandma. You open it.

- Heaven be praised. - Oh, grandma.

- The man's not dead. - Then what is it? What's happened?

Now, nothing to worry about. Nothing to worry about at all. It just says,

"can't get woman to replace Dolly.

Meet me, Albany, 4:00 P.M., frank."

Let me see it. Why, I can't do that. I can't just pick up and leave.

Why, it's nearly 10:00 already.

He's your husband, isn't he? If he says "go," you go.

- But the children... - The children won't starve with me.

I've filled their stomachs before, and I can again.

Besides, the idea of a married man

traveling all over the country with a woman named Dolly,

and her a redhead, aye, and dyed red at that.

Oh, they don't travel together. She's just a part of the act.

Now would I be sayin' anything against me own grandson-in-law? Why, of course not.

But he was a man before he was a husband.

Oh, frank's never even looked at another woman.

Maybe, maybe not.

All I say is, you're his wife, and a wife's place is with her husband...

First, last and always.

But grandma, this means he wants me to work in the act with him.

- All the better to keep an eye on him. - But I've given up the stage.

We agreed on that. I want to stay home and look after the children.

Besides, I haven't sung a note for... for six years.

Singin' for babies is very good for the voice.

And as for dancing... Oh, stop it, grandma.

If your dress is short enough, then never worry about your singin' and dancin'.

Now you've just time to make it.

Get a move on now, and I'll fix you a lunch to eat on the train.

Oh, frank, here I am!

Frank, frank!

- Myrtle! - Oh, it's so good to see you.

Baby, have I missed you.

- You only gave me one hour. - Well, it was long enough, wasn't it?

- Frank, what happened? - Oh, Dolly got an offer to make pictures.

- Pictures? - Movies.

- Oh, those. - Where are your bags?

- Right here. These two. - Yeah, this one and that one.

Taxi, sir? Yeah.

How are the kids?

Wonderful. They sent you a million kisses.

And grandma?

Oh, she made me come. You know, she never liked the idea

of your traveling all over the country with another woman,

"and her a redhead, and dyed red at that."

She says a husband needs a wife's affection.

Took the words out of my mouth.

- When do we open? - Tonight.

Tonight? Oh, frank, I can't. I wouldn't know what to do.

Don't worry about that. I'll tell the orchestra to play good and loud.

Oh, couldn't you have gotten somebody else?

Oh, yeah. I had a dame.

One of them big, gushy mamas. But she started handin' me a line

about what pretty eyes I've got, and can't she have equal billing.

So I told her...

Never mind what you told her. We haven't got time for that.

We've got lots to do. I've even got to get something to wear.

Bread and butter.

Bread and butter. You know somethin', Mrs. Burt?

What?

If I wasn't such a good friend of your husband's,

I'd advise you to keep your door locked tonight.

& who knows how much I love you j

js youdold

js no one means more to me than j

js youdold

j you take December &

j and smile it into may &

j and then December j

j comes back again ©

j when you're away &

! Who has a charm &

j that very few do j

j who makes life necessary &

js youdold

j and who can take my dreams j

j and make my dreams come true &

j who j

j don't give me three guesses j

j one will »

j DOJ

j who has a charm that very j

j fewdojdj

j who makes life necessary &

j you do, you know you do j

& and who can take my dreams j

j and make my dreams come true &

j who j

- & don't give me three guesses j - J darling, one j

j one will »

j DOJ

Of course, the inevitable happened.

It started all over again.

Every season was to be mother's farewell tour,

but, like Sarah bernhardt, she couldn't quit.

It was in her blood.

J we're a couple of Broadway bounders &

j we are a part of the heart of New York j

j we're a couple of been-arounders &

j we do our steppin' to the poppin' of a cork j

j I know all the fair maids at shanley's and rector's j

j I know all the gay blades and chicken inspectors j

j romance, adventure the street of mystery j

&' well, way down deep inside it's not for me j

j tired of Broadway the glamour, the lights &

j the roaring '40s, the fabulous nights &

j it's not for me, no, sirree j

j not for me j

j strange as it may be I wholeheartedly agree &

J wish I were back again with all the sweet and simple folks &

j I call my kin &

j in kokomo, Indiana &

j well, if it isn't pop, and hiya, mom &

j you always had the cutest grin &

j in kokomo, Indiana &

j just look at rover wag his tail j

j gosh, he remembers me j

j and get a load of sister grace j

j you can't see the freckles for the jam on her face j

j how would you like to go and see j

j that old wabash-ful Beau you used to know &

j in kokomo, Indiana &

j wouldn't you just as soon go out and spoon beneath the hoosier moon j

j oh, what a moon j

j for all of the many reasons that I've mentioned heretofore &

j my heart will always be in kokomo &

j and of course, you know the town of kokomo j

j will always be indefinitely in &

j in... Diana &

J wish I were back again where first I wore j

j my panties with a safety pin &

jind - & kokomo, Indiana &

j wish I were back again where I was just another j

j huckleberry Finn &

jind - & kokomo, Indiana &

j just look at rover wag his tail j

j gosh, he remembers me j

j he'll give you all of central park &

j for one big, beautiful sycamore tree j

J of course, you know the town of kokomo j

- & will always be & - I' geographically I

- j' indefinitely in & - J' indubitably in &

j in... Diana &

Meanwhile, we were growing up, Iris and I.

And while we loved to travel with mother and dad as often as we could,

every winter, of course, we had to stay with grandma and go to school.

I particularly remember the December I was ten.

Mother and dad were booked solid in and around Boston that winter,

and this was going to be... Our first Christmas apart.

Is it a cold you've got now?

No, ma'am.

Let me see that painting you're making.

Ah, now won't your father be the proud one? I can hear him now,

boasting to the other gentlemen, what a fine artist we have in the family.

Oh, grandma.

There, there, child. I know, I know, I know.

But think. Think of the fine, big package that'll be arriving soon,

and think of all the fun we'll be havin'.

Fun without them? But how could it be any fun, grandma?

Are you forgettin' all the fine things we'll be having to eat?

Turkey and mince pies and plum puddings and...

I don't want any Turkey!

I don't want anything. I just want to be with mother and daddy!

Yes, yes. I know, child, I know. And you're right.

Christmas is for mothers and fathers and children.

It's no time for either of them to be traveling the world.

But why did they have to take a booking for Christmas week?

Why?

Do theaters close on Christmas? Come now. Stop this cryin' and carrying on.

- Remember, there's still Santa claus. - Santa claus?

What's he got to do with it? And anyway, there isn't any Santa claus.

No Santa... saints preserve us, what a thing to say,

and him with ears that reach to the north pole and beyond it.

I'll tell you what. We'll send him a letter.

Who knows what the good man will do when the facts are laid before him?

Just remember this:

Santa claus and your grandma workin' together...

They're mighty hard to beat.

It says, "do not open till Christmas."

But I guess it won't do any harm to look at the packages.

It is Christmas. Anyway, it will be in about 30 minutes.

And if you think I'm gonna wait...

For you "from mikie."

Aw, look how cute she wrapped it.

This is from Iris. I can tell by the handwriting.

Oh, she made handkerchiefs again.

"From grandma." A fruitcake.

- We still have some from last year. - Yeah, but it'll keep.

For me "from mikie. To my father"...

A great school these kids are goin' to. They got their own way of spelling:

M-e-r-y, "mery" Christmas."

Well, let's see what we got here.

Well. Look at that.

Just what I needed.

Frank. Yeah?

Listen. "To my wonderful mother.

"There is no other like my mother.

- Her wine-tinted lips, her raven hair"... - Since when?

"Her beautiful arms...

How I wish I was there. Mikie."

Oh, frank.

- Now remember what you said. - I'm not crying.

“Who is it?

I'll get it. Here, figure this out.

I can't tell which is right-side up.

- Another package, Mr. Burt. - Oh, good. Where is it?

- From Chicago. - You monkeys!

Daddy!

- This is wonderful! - Oh, mother!

How did you get here? Why didn't you let us know? What happened?

- It was grandma's idea. - Good old grandma.

She made us write Santa claus what we wanted most of all.

She did?

Call the desk and tell them we'll have to have another room.

I will not.

I'll make 'em give us a suite, and the best one they've got too.

Come on. Let me take off your coats. I can't get over it.

I'm not over it yet. Uh, room serv... Room-room... clerk, please.

- I-1 can't believe you're really here. - Well, we are.

What happened to your clothes? You look like you slept in them.

We did. We were afraid to take them off.

We were afraid we wouldn't know when we got to Boston.

Oh, you gooses.

Why didn't you let us know you were coming so we could have met you?

Grandma wanted it to be a surprise.

Oh, I know, dear, but, well, we couldn't wait.

Oh, my.

What's the matter, mother?

Your presents. We sent everything to Chicago.

Oh, that'll be fine. Thanks.

Frank, do you realize we haven't a thing here for the children?

- Not even a tree. - Holy cow.

We don't mind. All we want is to be with you and daddy.

I know, but your presents...

- Where are you going? - To hitch up my reindeer.

But frank, it's midnight. Everything will be closed.

I'm surprised at you.

I'm santy claus. I use chimneys!

- Well, hurry back. - I will.

Poor dad. He'd looked everywhere, but you know Boston.

He was just about to give up, when suddenly...

Hey, you! Where are you goin' with that tree?

Come back here, you! Come back here!

Hey, you! Come back here!

- Merry Christmas, officer. - "Merry Christmas," is it?

You'd think on this one night in the year, folks would behave themselves!

No presents? Well, maybe not.

But no two kids ever had a happier Christmas morning.

The whole troupe, even the headliners, had volunteered to entertain us

and had brought along the greatest of all gifts: Their talents.

Ohhh.

J Dee, Lee-Dee-Dee-Dee j

ohhh!

Ohhh!

Ohhh.

Ohhh.

And now, kids, Santa claus has another real treat for ya.

This next artist to entertain you has appeared

before every crowned head in Europe.

You're lucky, so keep your royal eyes peeled.

My good friend and fellow thespian, senor wences.

Aren't they wonderful to come to our rescue like this?

You'd almost think actors were human, wouldn't you?

- Merry Christmas. - Same to you.

Thank you. You're welcome.

Can you tell me, please, what is your name?

Yes.

- What? - Johnny.

- I never remember. And second name? - Martin.

- Martin. Good boy? - Good boy.

That's nice. Give me a kiss.

- Nice. - Thank you.

- What have you done today? - I was studying my song.

I don't believe you. I will try your voice.

- Now? Why? - Now. I will tell you.

Simple. Because I need to know your lung capacity, your lung resistance.

- All right. - All right. And if you are a good boy...

- Good boy? - Yes. I will give you some candy.

- Candy? - Candy. Lollipop.

- Lollipop? - Yes. Don't worry.

Listen to me first.

- You first? - I first.

- Excuse me. - Okay.

- Don't be silly, eh? - Sorry.

Sorry. I do.

You.

- That's all right. I believe you. - All right?

- Quite good. - Very good. How is your throat today?

- No good. No. - No good?

- Open your mouth. Let me see your throat. - Why?

Open your mouth. I know. Open more.

Open little more.

Show me your tongue.

- That's right. - All right?

- Do you want some chewing gum? - You have?

I have plenty. Sure. It's very good for you. Open your mouth.

Little more. That's good. There.

- Do you like it? - It is very sweet.

- How do you feel now? - I am thirsty.

- Are you thirsty? - Yes.

- Oh, simple. I will give you some eggnog. - Eggnog?

- You like? Okay. - Yes.

Open your mouth. Close. Drink slowly.

That's nice.

- What is the matter, Johnny? - I am drunk.

And now, Johnny, please, sing me that Spanish song.

Yes.

- You remember? - Sure.

- Okay. With feeling, eh? - I know.

- Tempo. Ready? - Yes.

- Now. One... - Two, three.

- No, no. I count. I count. - Sorry.

It's all right.

Su amor. > Suamord

la noche. La noche j

El dia. El dial

- la nieve. - Don't tell me. I know.

Now then.

Bravo. Bravo.

For mother and dad, it still wouldn't have been Christmas

without Iris singing their favorite song.

J silent night &

j holy night j

j allis calm &

j all is bright j

j round yon virgin mother j

j and child &

j holy infant j

j so tender and mild

j sleep in heavenly j

j peace j

j sleep in heavenly j

j peace j

j silent night &

j holy night j

j Shepherds quake &

j at the sight j

j glories stream j&

j from heaven afar &

j heavenly hosts &

j sing alleluia &

j Christ the savior &

j is born

j Christ the savior &

j is born

Mother had one weakness...

Never could she resist a travel folder.

Every vacation, she decided we needed a complete change of environment,

and this year she selected the most fashionable

and, according to the travel agencies,

the gayest of all summer resorts...

Berkshire highlands.

Good morning. Good morning.

- Morning. - Good morning, sir.

I'm frank Burt. I made reservations for four.

Oh, yes, Mr. Burt.

- Will you sign the register? - What's the matter? Death in the family?

I beg your pardon, sir. “When do we view the remains?

Oh. Yes, it does look a bit that way, doesn't it, sir?

Don't these people ever do anything or say anything?

Hardly ever, sir.

Sometimes they say, "good morning."

Now that's right broad-minded of them, isn't it?

Yes, sir.

Show Mr. and Mrs. Burt to their rooms, 208 and 209.

- This way, sir. - Yes, sir.

"Deadpan alley."

These places are always much livelier at night.

Yeah, well, it reminds me of a well-stocked morgue.

Frank.

- Oh! - Don't break your neck, kid.

You'll never get any laughs in this joint.

Thank you. I-I'm sorry.

- That's all right. - Well, thank you.

Goin' up!

- Crown it! - Oh, frank!

- Shh! - Oh!

He looks so lonesome. Why don't you speak to him, frank?

Introduce him to the girls. Yes!

Iris has been making eyes at him all night.

- You shut up. I have not. - I've been watching you.

- Mikie! - Come on. Let's go to the piano.

Maybe we can liven up this joint a little.

That's a good idea. I'm sure that's why they have a piano.

Mother, please don't. Everybody's looking at us already.

Since when did actors not wanna be looked at?

Especially at these prices.

- How about "tra-la-1A"? - Good. Hit it.

J tra-la-la-la, la what a merry world we live in j

j tra-la-la-la, la all of it is yours and mine j

j so wear a smile sing a little while it's raining j

j and through the clouds every little star will shine j

j tra-la-la-la, la what's a little bit of trouble &

j you live and learn j

j things are gonna turn out fine j

j just feel that way and every little day &

j will seem like spring &

j if you'll just sing tra, la, tra-la-la-la, la &

come on, everybody. Let's have a little fun!

All you have to know is "tra-la-la-la-1A." Okay, myrtle.

Now everybody!

J tra-la-la-la, la what a merry world we live in j

that's the spirit! > Sing it out, tra-la-la-la, la

- j' all of it is yours and mine j - Let's hear the men's voices too.

J so wear a smile sing a little while it's raining j

j and through the clouds every little star will shine j

- come on. Limber up. - J tra-la-la-la, la &

- > what's a little bit of trouble & - Courage, Camille.

J you live and learn things are gonna turn out fine j

j just feel that way and every little day &

j will seem like spring &

j if you'll just sing &

j tra, la, tra-la-la-la, la &&

- tra-la-la. - Tra-la-la.

Hmm.

The next day was every bit as gay...

The only difference was, they changed to the chairs on the lawn.

Beautiful day.

Uh-huh. "Sure, frank. It's a fine day.

Nice to see you up and around."

I give up.

I'm sorry, dear. I guess I just made a mistake.

If anyone speaks to me while we're here, I'm gonna keel over in a dead faint.

And I'll join you. Why don't you girls run along and try to have a good time?

- Doing what? - Well, at least the view is nice.

Oh, very well. Come on, mikie.

- Let's go down and look at the fish pond. - Who cares about old goldfish?

- You heard what mother said. Now come on. - Hmph.

Here. Take another look at this. You've only read it twice.

I'd much rather go down by the swimming pool. Where do you suppose it is?

I don't know.

On! I get it.

Mikie, darling, must you play with that absurd ball all the time?

I'm trying to bounce it a hundred times without missing.

But it's all so childish.

Then why'd you beg me to lend it to you yesterday?

Don't be ridiculous.

What in the world would I be doing with a silly old ball?

If I wanted to waste any time, I'd much rather waste it on a good book.

On.

- This your ball? - Oh. Yes, it is.

Thank you. It belongs to my little sister.

Here you are, darling. We have a silly old bet

that she can't bounce it a hundred times without missing.

- Haven't we, mikie? - No!

Of course, we have. Now run along and play. I'll watch you from here.

Oh, all right. It'll probably be dull anyway.

But she does love to bounce it too. And she hates books.

Oh! I'm so sorry.

I detest scenes, but you know how children are

at that age.

Would you... would you like to sit down?

Thank you, but I really better not.

I was just going for my, uh, constitutional.

Oh! Oh, I'm... I'm sorry.

But then it's early yet. I suppose there's really no rush, is there?

Oh, no.

On.

Well, uh, are you... enjoying it here?

Oh, yes. It's heavenly, isn't it?

Oh, yes. Yes, it is.

- Oh, hello. - Guten tag.

I saw you last night when we were singing.

Ja.

- Mama, what is this she does? - She bounces.

It's a joggling board. You jump up and down and joggle.

- What she say? - It's a joggling board, papa.

Oh. And your mama lets you joggle like this by yourself?

Oh, sure. She used to joggle herself when she was little.

She says it helps a woman keep her figure.

Why does your mama want to keep her figure?

Because she's an actress. “What is?

Her mama is an actress, papa. She has to keep her figure.

Actress? What does she act, this mama?

Oh, she and daddy sing and dance and tell jokes.

Mama's the straight man. Daddy's the funny one.

Haven't you ever caught their act... Burt and McKinley?

We don't go to the theater anymore.

You don't? Gee whillikers! I thought everybody went to the theater.

My husband used to take me to the academy of music,

but now he don't hear so good.

You ought to go to vaudeville sometime.

My mother looks awfully pretty from the front.

- What she say? - Her mama looks nice in the front.

- Oh! - And your papa? He sings too, maybe?

Oh, yes, but he really just talks his songs.

- What he does? - The papa talks when he sings.

- Huh? - That what she says.

He does a number called "chewing gum." You know "chewing gum."

- Mm-hmm. - Have you heard it?

- No. - It's cute. Listen.

& my ma gave me a nickel to buy pickle j

j 1 didn't buy a pickle I bought some chewing gum &

j chew-chew-chew-chew-chew chewing gum j

that's good.

Oh, but there's more.

& my ma gave me a quarter to tip the Porter &

j 1 didn't tip the Porter I bought some chewing gum &

j chew-chew-chew-chew-chew chewing gum j

j chew-chew-chew chewing gum I didn't tip the Porter... j

oh, my goodness! Papa!

She's hurt! Mother!

It's mikie!

- What did she do? - She hit her head.

Oh! Quick! Get some water! Do something!

- Hadn't we better get a doctor? - Mikie.

Oh, mikie, darling.

Oh, frank! Frank, she's out!

- Here. Let me have her. - What happened?

She was showing us how you sing and dance. She fell.

Oh! Are there any bones broken?

I don't think so, but she's got a nice goose egg on her head.

Oh, mikie.

Here's the water. Hurry. It's leaking out. Never mind. She's coming to.

- Daddy? - You're all right, kid.

Daddy, did my pratfall get 'em?

Get 'em. Why you couldn't make this bunch of longhairs laugh

if you split your head wide open.

Come on, frank. I've had all I want of this place.

- That goes for me too. - Come on, Iris. We're going to pack.

- Well, I... I guess I have to go. - For good?

- I don't know. I hope not. - Oh, me too.

Well, good-bye.

Good-bye.

- Oh. - What do you got in here?

We didn't have all this trouble when we left home.

It always happens when you travel. Kneel on it.

Oh. Did you call a bellboy to get the bags?

- Yeah. He'll be right up. - We're all ready.

Iris, take another look through those bureau drawers,

and, mikie, see if I left anything in the bathroom, will you?

- I almost got this side. - What is the matter with this thing?

Look out. I'll fix it. Oh!

Frank.

Well, how do you suppose those got in there?

The way they always do. Really.

Mother, why do we have to leave?

Because I'm not going to have our whole vacation ruined

by staying here with these stick-in-the-muds.

- I know why Iris doesn't wanna go. - You shut up. That's not it.

- Ah, that does it. - She doesn't wanna leave her fella.

Stop saying that! “What fella?

Bob. “Who's Bob?

Oh, you know. Bob clarkman. The one she's been behaving so disgusting about.

- Mother, make her stop. - Clarkman?

Isn't his old man a big something-or-other on wall street?

If you asked me, they're all big something-or-others.

But mother, Bob's not like the others. Really he isn't.

Well, I'm not staying to find out.

He's been so lonesome here. His mother and father are in Europe.

He had to come here with his old tutor, and I...

You can let the boy in, frank. The bags are ready.

Okay.

Mr. Burt?

No!

Frank Burt, behave yourself.

I told ya I'd faint if anybody here every spoke to me.

We just wanted to ask how the little girl is.

Yes.

Oh, she's fine. Anyway, she's able to take a little nourishment.

- We brought you some candy. - Gee, thanks.

We just like to say, we are sorry you fell down.

Ja.

Well, that's awfully nice of you. Won't you come in?

- Thank you. - Thank you.

Not leaving, are you, Mrs. Burt?

- Yes, we are. - Oh, we'll be sorry to see you go.

We were in hopes that, perhaps, you'd stay on and help give this place a little life.

I'm afraid that's hopeless. Yes. I know.

A few of us were talking about it downstairs.

And you're right, Mrs. Burt. We've gotten to be a bunch of old fogeys.

We've been coming here so long and doing nothing

that I guess we've sort of dried up.

What did he say? We are dried out.

- Ja. Completely dried. - But we have enjoyed your being here.

And we would like to make an effort to "limber up"

if we can persuade you to change your minds.

Well, that's up to the missus. She picked this place.

Well, we're all packed, ready to leave.

- Oh, mother, please, let's stay. - Ja. Please.

- We all have good times together. - Oh, ja.

What do ya say, myrt? We've played tougher audiences than this

and never walked out on them, and the kids wanna stay.

J' Lily, Lily of the valley &

j dearie, dearie, let's be pally j

j sweetie, you're the nicest flower of the lot j

5 oh, be my Lily oh, be my Lily &

j I'll be your forget-me-not Lily, Lily of the valley &

j dearie, dearie, let's be pally j

j sweetie, you're the nicest flower of the lot j

5 oh, be my Lily oh, be my Lily &

j I'll be your forget-me-not &

mother's faith in her travel folders

was triumphantly restored.

Even dad had to admit that it was the gayest of all summer resorts.

And we had one of the best vacations of our lives.

J Lily, Lily of the valley &

j dearie, dearie, let's be pally j

j sweetie, you're the nicest flower of the lot j

Iris particularly loved it...

5 oh, be my Lily oh, be my Lily &

Iris... and Bob.

J I'll be your forget-me-not &

What are you doing out here, darling? Aren't you sleepy?

Iris, what is it? Is something worrying you?

No, mother. It's just that it's our last night here, and... I don't wanna go.

Oh, but we have to go, darling. Our month's up.

Daddy and I have to get back to work and you and mikie have to go to school.

I know, but I wish we didn't.

Oh, we'll have other summers.

Not like this one.

You like Bob, don't you?

He's going to college in the fall...

To Harvard like his father.

I don't suppose I'll ever see him again.

Of course, you will, if you want to. “Where would I ever see him?

All the girls he knows go to finishing schools and places like that.

And all we ever see is... oh, I know you just think I'm being silly, mother, but...

Oh, no. I don't.

I think... well, I think you'd better go in and get some sleep now.

We'll talk about it in the morning.

Good night, mother. I love you.

Good night, dear. I love you too.

And everything's gonna be all right.

You'll see.

I suppose I'll never get another night's sleep now that you're in love.

Mikie, you were eavesdropping.

Yes, and it was all so boring.

Oh!

- Frank. - Mm-hmm.

I was just thinking about mikie and Iris.

When did you ever not think about 'em?

I mean, seriously. About their futures.

What futures?

Oh, about the kind of people they'd go with, things like that.

What's wrong with the people they been going with?

Nothing, except,

well, I was wondering if maybe we hadn't been a little selfish.

- Us, selfish? - Making them lead our kind of life.

After all, they are individuals.

They have the right to choose some things for themselves.

- What do they want now? - Oh, nothing definite. It's just...

The trouble with those kids is they've had too much.

Are you trying to say the girls are spoiled?

You mean, you didn't know?

Frank Burt, that's the meanest thing I've ever heard you say in your life.

- Of all the unspoiled children... - Okay. Skip it. What do ya mean?

- Well, for one thing, school. - School? They go to school.

Yes, well, I was thinking maybe a boarding school. And after that, college.

If that mikie makes college, I'll eat my sombrero.

The stage is all right for us. We love it.

Maybe they will too, but we don't wanna force them.

I'm not forcing anybody. I'm just trying to find out what you're talkin' about.

At least we should give them a chance

to meet nice young girls and boys their own age

who are interested in other things like, well, books and, well, things like that.

Books? Great guns, myrt, you couldn't get either one of those kids

to read a book if you tried.

That's just the point. They should.

All right. We'll give 'em a book... Two books. One for each.

Oh, frank. You're just being stubborn. Look, Iris is growing up.

She's beginning to think about boys, and they like her.

Are you talking about this wobbly-legged goof

that looks like he's gonna break into a run every time you look at him?

He's not a goof. He's a wonderful boy.

Ah, he can't even walk without falling over himself.

He's shy!

- I'll bet if I said, "boo," to him... - Don't you dare!

Would you mind telling me what we're fightin' about?

Oh, go to sleep.

We'll talk about it when we get home, huh?

Okay.

They did talk it over and, as usual,

mother allowed dad to convince her that she'd been right all along.

So, the following September, our hearts in our throats,

we found ourselves approaching

miss ridgeway's exclusive boarding school for young ladies.

- Oh, mother! It's beautiful. - Breathtaking.

It's like a lovely stage setting, isn't it?

Where do you suppose we eat?

Oh, mikie, don't you ever think of anything but your stomach?

- Can I help it if I get hungry? - Why I'm surprised at you, mikie.

You know your mother wouldn't send you to a school

where the young ladies were vulgar enough to eat.

Now, frank, stop that. It's a marvelous school.

The catalog said the nicest girls in the country come here.

And don't you dare trip or pull any gags when we go in.

- Can't even pop my garters? - No.

Or mine either.

Ridgeway's is not just a finishing school, Mrs. Burt.

We try to give our girls a good, solid education,

one which will make them good citizens, good wives and good mothers.

All we ask in return is that our girls be Sincere and unaffected

and help us to bring out the best that's in them.

Yes, I know, miss ridgeway. That's why we wanted to send them here.

I hope you'll come to see us again, both of you.

We like to have our parents visit the school and meet our girls.

You'll take care of them, won't you, see that they're happy?

- We'll do our best. - They're a little bit on the goofy side,

- but underneath, they're pretty nice kids. - I'm sure they are.

Well, good-bye, miss ridgeway. Thank you.

Not at all. When you girls get through saying good-bye, you'll come back in here.

- Yes, they will. Good-bye. - Good-bye.

We'll get back to see you the first chance we get.

- Good-bye, darling. - Good-bye, mother.

Good-bye, baby.

Remember now all the things I told you about hanging up your clothes.

- Yes'm. - And, darling, you will try not to make

those terrible noises after you've eaten too much?

Yes, I'll try not to bu...

- Mikie! - I didn't say.

- You'll be good girls, won't you? - Yes, we will, mother.

Don't forget now, bear down on your algebra.

After all, look how well I speak it.

Well, I... I guess you'd better get back to miss ridgeway now.

Good-bye, mother.

Bye, darling. Good-bye, baby.

Let's get 'em, take 'em home.

This is what they need. This is what they're going to have.

They didn't have any chicken, so I got corned beef.

That'll be fine.

- Which one is that for? Iris? - Mm-hmm.

I thought you were gonna save that material

and have a dress made for yourself.

I was, but Iris is going on a wonderful house party with some of her classmates.

Again? When does she do her schoolwork?

This is over the easter holidays. There's her letter. Read it.

Better take those pins out of your mouth.

What do you think you are, a sword swallower?

They'll be parties every night. I only hope I can get this to her in time.

- Who are "Bob's father and mother"? - Well, you know. The clarkmans.

That nice boy that Iris liked so much in berkshire highlands.

- Hold this. - Oh, the goof!

Frank!

Hmm. Sounds pretty swanky.

Well, they tell me there's nothin' like a house party to brush up on mathematics...

Especially in the moonlight.

J when the moon is on the rise honey, I'm so blue j

j watchin' lovers making eyes like we used to do &

js when the moon is on the wane j

j still I'm waitin' all in vain &

j should be swingin' down the Lane &

j with you j

j the Lane with you j

not bad.

That was lovely, children. Don't stop.

Oh. Anything you and dad particularly like, mother?

Let Iris choose one. She's the singer in the crowd.

Let's see. "When you wore a tulip"?

- How about "beach at waikiki"? - Does anyone know "stumbling"?

Oh, I've heard it. Go ahead. I'll follow you.

J stumblin' all around stumblin' all around &

j stumblin' all around &

j so funny I

j stumblin' here and there stumblin' everywhere I

js and I must declare &

j I stepped right on her toes j

j and when she da-da-da j

j I fell in la-la-la &

j I felt ashamed &

j la-la-la, la-la-la-la-la &

j that's the latest step that's the latest step, my honey j

j I notice all the pep I notice all the pep &

j I notice all the pep &

I said »

- & stop mumbling & - I' though you are stumbling j

j I like it just a little bit just a little bit, quite a little bit j

- &' she likes it quite a little j - D' I like it quite a little &

- &' she likes it quite a little j - D' I like it quite a little &

- &' she likes it quite a little j - D' I like it quite a little bit &

j she likes it quite a little a-bit &

"stumbling" happens to be one of our numbers.

Yeah, we've been eatin' off it for two years.

I hope my voice didn't throw you kids. I'm one of those il-don't-care singers...

All hips, who cares about the voice.

She had one of the sweetest hog-calling voices

before I roped her and put shoes on her.

- Oh, ed, you fool. Say, kid, you can sing. - Oh, I can't really.

The heck you cant. Hey, ed. Who does she remind you of?

Somebody I've seen, but I can't quite place her.

You know. That kid on the bill in Jersey

that told you that big shakespearean ham was annoying her.

You remember how cute she was? Yeah.

And did I put the kibosh on his balcony scene.

"Listen, Romeo," I said, "why don't you pat my cheek or squeeze my arm

or smooth my hair.”

I thought I'd die!

I'm sorry we're getting out at the next stop. We'd like to join you.

If there's anything we like, it's low-down Harmony. We gotta get our bags together.

You know how these trains are. They don't stop in these hick towns

long enough to let you get your breath, especially in these corsets.

So long, everybody.

So long, kids. Don't do anything we wouldn't do...

- Or haven't done. - Ed, you fool!

- Boy, were they hams. - Imagine, breaking in like that.

Did you ever hear such a laugh in your life?

And that hair!

Why do all actors have to be such show-offs?

I don't know, but they all are.

Dear old ridgeway's... How we loathed and loved it.

But nothing equaled the thrill of a letter from mother...

Even a letter without a check in it.

- Special delivery. - For me?

- For both of us, from the family. - Here. Let me have it.

- I'll read it. It's from Cleveland. - They must be at the hippodrome.

"Dear kids. Daddy and I have the most wonderful news.

"We've been keeping it a great secret, but now you can know.

"We've arranged a booking in the very town where your school is.

- We'll be there with you"... - They're... they're going to play here?

Sure. Isn't that scrumptious? “When?

Wait a minute. I'm coming to that.

"Three weeks from this Thursday. So be sure to tell miss ridgeway."

- Oh, boy. - Oh, but, mikie, they can't.

- They mustn't. - Why mustn't they?

- Oh, don't you see? - See what?

Oh, you're too...

You wouldn't understand anyway.

They can't come here. They mustn't!

Iris, you're ashamed for them to come.

I'm not. That's not it at all.

It's just that... oh, why do they have to spoil everything just when I...

Oh, Iris! You are ashamed. You are so.

Ashamed of mother and daddy?

Oh, Iris.

You and mikie wait here.

- Mother. - Hello, darling.

Mother, what are you doing here?

Mikie wired us you weren't well.

- Did daddy come too? - He's just outside.

He'll be in to see you later.

Iris, what's wrong?

Nothing, mother. I just don't feel well.

Don't you wanna tell me?

Th-there's nothing to tell.

Iris, look at me.

I know what it is.

Mikie did this. She told you.

Oh, mikie loves you, dear. She only did what she thought was best.

Oh, I'll never forgive her as long as I live.

- Iris, don't turn away like that. - I wish I'd never come here!

Oh, you've loved it here. You've made friends...

Miss ridgeway, everybody loves you.

- Don't say things like that. - Oh, but it's true. I hate it.

Do you think you're being quite fair to your friends, Iris,

to think that they would stop liking you

because your mother and father are on the stage?

Oh, mother, it's not that.

It's just that my friends are different from us.

They think and they act differently.

Oh, mother, it's not you and daddy.

You're the sweetest people in the whole world, but...

But people on the stage are not as refined as your friends.

Is that it?

I wish you could see some of their houses

and how their mothers and fathers...

Oh, this is what I mean.

Listen. "Yippee! Zippo Grant and Molly mcguire of Grant and mcguire

"announce the marriage of their daughter Trudy

"to Joe blink of blink and skitch.

The kids are going to Europe on their honeymoon,

and mom and pop are going along. Whoopee!”

Don't you see, mother?

They couldn't even let their daughter get married

without taking a whole page in variety to...

To advertise it like a three-ring circus.

And Bob's mother and father and their friends wouldn't have done that.

Oh, no. They're so nice and dignified.

They want me to come and visit them and go to the opera and things.

Oh, mother,

you don't hate me, do you?

- Of course not, dear. - You know I love you and daddy.

Yes, I know you do.

Oh, mother!

Don't worry, dear. Daddy and I will talk this over.

We'll figure something out.

And whatever we decide will be for your good.

You know that, don't you?

- Yes. - Now get up and get dressed.

We'll take you out to dinner.

You don't want daddy to see you looking like a ghost, do you?

- No. - Hurry now.

I can understand it. I'm sure all young girls go through a phase like this.

She's just all mixed-up.

- I'll say she's mixed-up. - Frank, please.

I'm sure this is the best thing to do.

I'm grateful to you, Mrs. Burt, for coming in and telling me this.

I know what it must mean to you. How simple it would've been

for you and your husband just to have canceled your engagement.

- Then you'll do it? - I think under the circumstances,

ridgeway's can stretch its rules that far.

I told my wife that what we ought to do is...

Yes, dear. I'm sure you're right, but, please, let me handle it in my own way.

But if you want my advice...

- Yes? - May I come in, miss ridgeway?

Oh, yes. Come in, Iris.

- Hmph. - Now, frank.

- Good afternoon, Iris. - Good afternoon, miss ridgeway.

Hello, daddy. Iris.

Are you feeling better now? Yes. I think so.

I'm glad to hear that.

I know how terribly disappointed you'd be

not to be able to go to the theater next week

to see your mother's and father's performance.

Isn't it sweet of miss ridgeway?

She's going to let you bring your whole class to see us.

Oh, mother. How could you?

J in me you see a doctor j

j not an everyday md

j but a prominent, preeminent doctor of psychology j

j in me you see a patient waiting patiently &

j to see my noted, widely quoted &

j favorite phd j

- j how do you do & - & how do you do j

j and what can I do for you j&

j I'm jumpy, I'm jittery of late, I'm all a-twittery j

j I'm too upset and too extremely nervous j

j step into my office glad to be of service &

j will I get a bitter pill to swallow &

j will I get some medicine to imbibe &

j you have a slight neurosis &

j that's my diagnosis j

j and here's the simple logic &

j I prescribe j

j there's nothing like a song &

j when a fella feels dejected &

j strange how things can change unexpectedly &

j with the magic of a simple do-re-mi j

j there's nothin' like a song &

j when your cares are kind of chronic &

j a tune can be a tonic if you are wise

j so don't be a yokel come on and vocalize j

j for if you sing a little jingle j

j everything'll be okay j&

j spring'll come your way j

j if you gather around and sound your a &

j for a rondelet &

j so use your common sense &

j happiness is inexpensive &

j and when you have a feeling you don't belong j

j all your cares can find replacement j

j in Mr. sunshine's bargain basement j

j and remember you can get it for a song &

J all your cares can find replacement j

j in Mr. sunshine's bargain basement j

j and remember you can get it for a song &

- doctor. - Yes, ma'am.

J can you possibly explain j

j why I feel so sad every time I see a train j

js when I see a weather vane j

j way down deep inside I feel a funny pain &

js why am I so tearful j

j when I should be cheerful

my dear...

J it's only 'cause you're lonely &

j wish I were back again with all the sweet and simple folks &

j' I call my kin & nd

j kokomo, Indiana j

- & well, if it isn't pop j - &' and, hiya, mom j

&' you always had the cutest grin & nd

j kokomo, Indiana j

J just get a load of sister grace &

& you can't see the freckles for the jam on her face j

J for all of the many reasons that I've mentioned heretofore j

j my heart will always be in kokomo &

j and psychologically j

j a simple melody &

j can make you go j

js from kokomo to j

j rolling down bowling green &

j on a little two-seat tandem j

j rolling down bowling green &

j and stealing a kiss j

j at random j

J you'll find your dreams come true &

j' just exactly as you planned 'em &

j rolling down bowling green &

j though it's nice and dark in battery park &

j rolling down bowling green &

j on a little two-seat bicycle &

- What do you think? - I don't know. The others liked it.

- Weren't they grand, miss ridgeway? - Charming.

You must be very proud of them, Iris.

J we will Cherish deep &

js the memories j

j of the joyous days

js we knew &

j and we always shall be loyal &

j to your gold j

j and royal blue &

j as we walk along j

j life's highway &

j Alma mater &

j we'll walk along j

j with you j

j and we always shall be loyal &

j to your gold j

j and royal blue &

j as we walk along j

j life's highway &

j Alma mater &

j we'll walk along j

j with you j

j ooh, ooh, ooh j

And, now, it gives me great pleasure

to present the highest honor student of our school of music,

miss Iris Burt.

I have a feeling we're going to see a lot of that young man when he gets back.

He hasn't said anything yet, has he?

Does he have to?

Ladies and gentlemen,

I suppose I really ought to do a school song,

but, please, with your permission,

I would like to sing a song especially for my father and mother.

A song they introduced in vaudeville many years ago.

J who knows how much I love you &

js youdold

js no one means more to me than j

js youdold

j you take December &

j and smile it into may &

j and then December j

j comes back again ©

j when you're away &

js who has a charm j

j that very few do j

j who makes life necessary &

js youdold

j and who can take my dreams j

j and make my dreams come true &

j who j

j don't give me three guesses j

j one will »

j DOJ > no one j

j means more to me than you j

j DOJ

js who has a charm j

j that very few do j

j who makes life necessary &

j you do j j you do j

j and who can take my dreams j

j and make my dreams come true &

j who j

j don't give me three guesses j

j one j

j will &

j DOJ

j no oneld

j but you j

j will do j

Another star in the family.

And Iris was a star. She still is...

Though, of course, in private life, she's Mrs. Robert clarkman.

But then I'm sure you suspected that all along.

As for me, well, I didn't take to the stage.

I've been too busy at home...

That and taking the children out to see their grandparents every Sunday.

Frank. Frank!

- Hmm? - Better clean up now.

- The family will be out in a little while. - Oh. Uh, yeah.

Where are my glasses?

- Where they belong. - Oh. Thanks.

Where's my pipe?

Where you put it.

Anything else?

Yep. “What?

A kiss.